#schizo awareness month

[schizodiaries]

World Schizophrenia Day was a couple months ago (May 24th), and I had intended to publish this post on that day but I couldn’t finish it in time, so consider this a belated Schizophrenia Day post, or perhaps this can be a Disability Pride Month post!

I want to send positive energies to all people on the schizophrenia spectrum, but I want to give a special shoutout to those who don’t get enough recognition, or are often forgotten in our community:

Early onset schizophrenics, or those who are diagnosed as children or teens.

People with schizotypal personality disorder, delusional disorder, schizoaffective disorder, or schizophreniform disorder.

The schizophrenics who are considered gravely disabled and therefore cannot live independently or care for themselves on their own.

Homeless schizophrenics, especially those without access to mental health treatment.

The schizophrenic people throughout history who never got the chance to be diagnosed or treated.

Schizophrenics part of other marginalized groups, like schizophrenic people of color and queer schizophrenics.

The schizophrenics who have to be institutionalized long term and don’t currently have access to the outside world.

Schizospec people who also live with physical disabilities.

The “crazy” or “scary” schizophrenics- those who talk to themselves, behave aggressively, act unpredictably, or have unusual beliefs.

People who were misdiagnosed with schizophrenia, but turned out to have a different illness, and vice versa.

People who have schizospec disorders alongside other mental disorders, like autism, DID, personality disorders, mood disorders, and so on.

Schizospec people who are not “out,” who have to mask and appear neurotypical, whether it’s for safety or other reasons.

Unmedicated schizophrenics, whether by choice or reasons out of their control.

The schizophrenic survivors of abuse at the hands of their family, partners, or medical staff.

Schizophrenic victims of police brutality.

The schizophrenics that we lost to suicide.

And there are still so many more of us. (If you feel like I left anyone out, feel free to respond to this post with any additions you have.)

Happy World Schizophrenia Day / Disability Pride Month to all of you, from one schizospec to another. The world is a more beautiful place with you in it. I hope there will come a day when we don’t have to be ashamed of who we are. And I hope we can all find it within ourselves to not only survive, but thrive, in a world that likes to demonize us. So let’s all be here for one another, and remember you are never alone. I have so much gratitude the schizospec community for teaching me how to love and accept myself, and I wish the same for all of us. I love you, I see you, and I hope you can live happy and fulfilling lives, schizophrenia and all 🩷

[schizopositivity]

Happy pride month to every LGBTQ+ person who has psychosis or a schizo-spec disorder!

You are a vital part of both communities.

Your mental health does not invalidate your identity.

I believe you. I trust that you know yourself best.

Your identity is not a delusion, it's who you are.

Your identity does not invalidate your mental illness.

Us LGBTQ+ people are an important part of the psychosis and schizo-spec community.

Us psychotic and schizo-spec people are an important part of the LGBTQ+ community.

You may feel like the only one who is both, but you are not, there are people like us that exist.

You are important.

You are valid.

[five-thousand-loaves-of-bread]

autistic people dominate AAC conversation on tumblr so for this AAC awareness month (October), let us also remember all non-autistic AAC users & autistic AAC users who not use AAC because or solely because autism.

people use AAC for from intellectual & developmental disorders to neurocognitive disorders to neurological to physical disorders. people use AAC for disorders from birth & acquired disorders. progressive & non progressive disorders.

some AAC users have mouth speech, motor, and/or sound clarity related difficulties, others use for language and/or cogntive difficulties, some for combo of reasons.

those with…

intellectual disability

genetic & chromosomal disorders like down syndrome, rett syndrome, angelman syndrome, williams syndrome, etc.

cerebral palsy

speech language disorders like aphasia & dysarthria

schizophrenia & schizoaffective & schizo-spec

brain injury

dementia

amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), multiple sclerosis (MS), huntington’s, frederick’s ataxia, etc.

tracheotomy

locked in syndrome

n so much more not listed here

[jeffyyyyyyyyy]

Okay something we need to talk more about when it comes to living with a schizo spec diagnosis or psychosis is internal hallucinations.

I’ve never heard of them before until a couple of months ago, and only then I realized I’d been experiencing them almost constantly and still do. For example I hear random voices talking about random things or telling me to do things inside of my head. They a majority of the time don’t respond to me or anything like that though.

I feel like if we brought more awareness to them a lot of people might go “oh I’ve been having this all along” like I did and we can have more conversations about it, how to manage it etc.

[somewhat-sanguine]

i am drifting through the stages of the rapture born within this loss (the schizoaffective diagnosis)

“Abilify, 10mg in the morning and 10mg at night, Wellbutrin 150mg once a day, 5mg of Prasozin and 100mg of Trazodone at night. Come see me again in a month.” 

I didn’t ask for my diagnosis. I didn’t think it was important, honestly. I figured it was just for the same thing I had always been treated for: Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. I was to diligently take my pills, not ask questions, and (attempt) to abstain from alcohol. I wasn’t exactly truthful at that point with my psychiatrist about just how much alcohol I was consuming, but she was aware I had been in and out of rehabs and psychiatric wards for about three years at that point. 

I looked over my paperwork. The diagnoses were listed plainly, with no explanation or any sort of information.

“POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER”

Okay, that’s fair, I figured. I had been traumatized since I was a young child, and the doctor had mentioned that the Prasozin was specifically for that.

“SCHIZOAFFECTIVE: BIPOLAR TYPE”

It felt like the cogs in my brain stopped working, caught in the flood of words that filled my mind trying to figure out what exactly those words meant. I knew what bipolar was… schizo…schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder…schizophrenia.

Schizophrenia.

I opened up a tab on the browser of my phone. I googled the words “schizoaffective”. Maybe it was just one of those silly psychology terms that didn’t mean what it sounded like. Maybe.

“Schizoaffective disorder is a mental health disorder that is marked by a combination of schizophrenia symptoms, such as hallucinations or delusions, and mood disorder symptoms, such as depression or mania.” were the words I first saw on the Mayo Clinic website. 

My heart sank. Flashbacks to my mother babbling to herself about conspiracy theories, about the end of the world, about Christ, about God appearing to her in a cloud and hearing the “word of God” through thundering in cloudy skies. Going up to random people and proclaiming that Jesus spoke to her. Telling me I was possessed by Satan for spilling a glass of water by accident.

My mother is schizophrenic. I’m not like her, not at all. I’m not even religious, I’m agnostic. I don’t listen to conspiracy theory bullshit. I hear the occasional odd sound that no one else seems to hear. I see the occasional shadow that no one else seems to see. Big deal, doesn’t everyone? The mind plays tricks on you. 

I hear the sound of voices in the buzzing of machines. I feel the vibration of my phone in my pocket even though it’s in another room. 

I laugh when I’m alone and there’s nothing to laugh about. I hear my name being called out in an empty house. 

Big deal. Doesn’t everyone?

…Doesn’t everyone?

[nightloidsdiary]

Daily diary 64 (extremely early this time)

I am about to vent hold on…

You guys can hate me but I am one of the craziest family member out there. Why?

This is because I rot alot! I don’t do anything in life and I don’t take everything seriously (except being gluttonous). So that’s what I have been doing lately. Like not too long ago, I almost cried when someone heard I was crazy for my habitat while we were trying to get my…you know what, it’s personal so I don’t want to share with you guys. And I thought to myself…I have wasted my plans for the last few months, not following what I supposed to do like interacting with others, animating, doing projects, etc., Instead, I had alot of fun entertaining myself by daydreaming and coping with schizophrenia. It’s more important to me but in reality, it’s not healthy to live like this. I just love entertainment than anything else. And I would never stop until my schizo has ended. I am autistic, there needs to be somewhere that can just be normal by going to rehab or just go to prison (if I had a criminal record). Something that needs to be fully aware of. I need to keep going until I die or just forget about everything and just start all over again to have a new chapter. I am not sure but will you all excuse me and just let me enjoy myself so I can be happy as always. Thank you and have a nice day. I’ll do it again and again….oh I just said that already haha!

Please don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t even think about me okay? Im a nowhere girl, alright? Just leave me alone; I am the most annoying, sociopathic, crazy and delusional person than you’ll ever think. >:3

And as always, I did nothing all day, everyday and this time, I did not eat anything today! I will no longer eat anything until the second week of January because I am too gluttonous and I need to stop sinning for gluttony.

*constantly cries in fear* i…failed…everything…good night everyone.

[sams-venting]

Ough ok, today's eaps episode really Got to me and boy I was not prepared

I find it interesting, that the things that would trigger and harm other people, I love to seek out as a hobby. Shock sites, well made args, real life disappearances in the woods, existential conspiracy theories, etc. shit my schizo ass Really shouldn't be indulging but I do anyway for the sillies even tho it triggers persecutory hallucinations (please for the love of God don't do as I do). I find morbid and gorey shit fascinating

but then you just, have something simple as a 'make a wish kid' concept in a silly little VRC rp. and. it really fucks with me

because like, I'm never Not aware of how little time I have left. I am constantly under the ticking tower of death. Everyone talks about graduating college, getting a career, getting married, being able to live on their own. and I?-

I am just stuck. I'll maybe get to accomplish One of these and that's it. Knowing that I most likely won't live to see my 30s. And in two more months, the clock ticks down to 6 years left. 6 years till I develop bone marrow cancer or skin cancer from my immunosuppressant. And that's assuming that I survive till then, the never ending surgeries that remove my organs piece until there's nothing left; assuming I don't catch a skin or respiratory infection that everyone else can fight off except for me; assuming that I don't resume trying to overdose like I should've done when I was 14, before the universe decided I was a parasite it had to slowly kill off; assuming I survive living in a sundown town; assuming I don't die in a freak accident like a normal american on the highway; assuming I don't give into the impulse to do opiods to escape the neverending pain; assuming I'm able to get my shit together and take care of myself without having some needing to intervene before I literally wither away; etc. I could keep going about how the former prognosis is infact a positive outlook by all calculations.

Surprisingly, I've come to terms with this a few years ago. It's not a big deal. Well I mean it is, but it's nothing that can't be worked around. Everyone lives on borrowed time, we are never promised tomorrow anyway. The wise say to live like very day is you last, and whether I like it or not, I have the most reason to follow that compared to the average Joe

But what they don't tell you, is that, you never go through the grieving process once or twice. When you know your time is going to be up in less than a decade, it doesn't Ever stop. You just suffer the same stages over, and over, and over, and over again. Till you're fine. and then the next day your brain decides the last dozen times wasn't enough, time to process the state of our mortality all over again :) bc why not :) :) fml in particular ig

And honest to God that is the worst part of this all. It's not the colonoscopies, it's not the endoscopies, it's not the surgeries, it's not the thousands of needles that I've been stabbed with to the point where I can rate nurses like it's doordash. It's the grieving process that won't stop repeating once you know you're going to die

Anyway I just- I don't even know if I can finish the episode, and I'm only a few minutes in. This might honestly be the first video I'll ever have to skip. and it's SO FUCKING STUP:ID. Like I can go through all of this other bullshit jsut fine and not bat an eye, but THIS, THIS IS THE BREAKING POINT??? Fucking pathetic. I hate myself so mcuh tjhis is so stupid and I hate it. I think what I hate most is how I can never fucking get over myself. boo hoo so fcuking what. Just push through and stop being a limp dick coward for two mcfucking seconds. It's not even real, are we really gonna get our panies bunched up over pixles ona fucking screen? Is this Really the level we want to stoop to? Fukcing piece of shit good for nothing idiot.

It's not like I don't know Why it affects me so badly. It's all so stupid but I Know why. For fucks sake, I got body slammed into fnaf as a whole to cope with the fact my grandma literally got admitted to the hospital for emergency brain cancer surgery on the hour of Thee solar eclipse that happened in April. When she got admitted to hospice in May and we were dealing with the funeral, obsessing over the dca and later solar lunacy and TSAMS was the only thing keeping me sane.

Words cannot describe accurately just how fucked it is not only to watch someone else lose their mind as they're dying (and knowing that one day that's going to be me, and that's the future I have to look forward to), but also get slapped with traumatic flashbacks from my own medical procedures. It's almost funny in a twisted way how the simple smell of saline solution and cleaning alcohol can fuck a guy up. Istg I've never had my surgery scars impossibly itch in the worst way possible except when I'm around it in recovery wings.

Honestly I wish none of it affected me. Not to be selfish on main or anything, I'm just sick of wasting wasting what precious little time I have on pissing and moaning over things no one can change.

Maybe I'll be in a better headspace to watch EAPS later tomorrow or something. Hopefully. I despise the idea of trauma having any control over what I do and don't do in my life, and if there's one thing anyone should know about me, it's that I live on pure spite. Nothing will stop me istg, even if it kills me. People identify as male or female, and then you have me, certified stubborn little shit supreme

P.S. If you know who I am, don't bother trying to contact me outside of this post. I'm making it 'anonomus' bc I don't want ppl pussy footing around with sympathy or any of that bs. It's not wanted, and I hate the simple concept of being treated differently just bc I'm medically fucked. I can't stand ppl throwing pity parties for me. I ain't got time for that shit. literally. Also I already have hives and a migraine from crying while venting, don't make me relive these emotions please

Anyway, this is your local lunatic signing off. I've got fanfiction to write before I die, and I refuse to kneel to fate until all 3 of my main projects are finished - Winter

.

[sussyside]

My brother told me my eyes look kinda dead

Nothing happened today. I was legit goofing around with my friend and him an hour be4 he said that.

Yknow, im very good at acting like everything is fine. Just so yknow, dissociation is the key. I think me being surprised is oso something I unconsciously told myself to be cuz I have no idea how he managed to spot that. Like sure I have all these issues over here but today I’m completely fine. Like how can my eyes look dead when I’m genuinely don’t feel depressed today. It’s been a week since. I alr make sure I don’t look fatigued or depressed anymore like just how?

On one side ye sure it’s obvious cuz my mental health has never been cool for a few yrs now. But on the other hand, it’s not abt the fact I wanted to hide it, it’s more of I genuinely feel happy why would he said my eyes look tired and dead. We legit abt to go on holiday to one of my fav place in the world I’m genuinely excited to go there. How can I be depressed over it.

My mental health often has this kind of relapses like this since I started high school. Just every 3-6 months, I would went into a period of being insanely depressed. Probably cuz school, who knows. The thing here is I hallucinated stuff with it. Voices often come up in my head when I was sleeping. I’m pretty used to having voices in my head cuz ADHD so it’s just my voice. But during these periods other ppl’s voices it is. The 1st time was a slowly builds up of many different screams of both men and women just right at my ears with a stinging continuous wooden table knock. They said something but I forgot. The 2nd time a women voice just chanting bullshits at me. The 3rd time, just a month ago, my cousin's voice and my teachers voices, all at them scream at me to burn to death. twice in a single night. I'm not suicidal actually, or do I? Rn I'm sure I'm not tho.

I used to suspect that I have psychosis man. Or even worse, schizophrenia. I talked to my school counselor abt it and she said ppl with psychosis most of the time they are not aware of their delusion. Well, I'm clearly aware of my hallucination so I put that thought aside pretty quick.I never told her abt my thoughts abt schizo tho.

I often write abt what i feel at the present somewhere online cuz my memory is very not good. I think there is still texts of me talking abt my 1st hallucination somewhere with details.

Ik the internet is not somewhere so u can self-diagnosed. So you guys can treat this as just me sharing my rambles abt what im thinking cuz truly, idk where can I talk abt it man. What i feel is never seems to be taken seriously with insightful thoughts irl so here i am.

[takataapui]

schizo awareness month prompts 2019 #5

List of prompts here, my last post here.

Just now realising that I could have scheduled these posts for like a week apart. Sorry to everyone who’s being spammed with these. Not sorry enough to stop though.

5 more beneath the read more!

21. How do your symptoms affect you in your everyday life?

Oh boy, my day to day functioning has gone way downhill. Some days I can’t leave the house because everyone’s trying to kill me and being outside my safe space is dangerous, sometimes I can’t sleep because the demon possessing me won’t let me, things like that.

Things like negative symptoms fucking me over when I’m trying to do homework, or even get out of bed.

For the most part, it’s getting more manageable with meds, but it’s still a daily struggle.

22.  When/how did you realize you had schizophrenia/get diagnosed?

Uuuh, up until today I thought I had schizoaffective disorder. Then my doctor explained why she doesn’t think I do, so I guess now I see her point of view.

But I don’t have an official diagnosis, just a verbal confirmation that I have schizophrenia, and just that has taken 4 years.

23.  Schizophrenia and creativity For me, schizophrenia both inspires and deadens my creativity. Certainly, the bizarre delusions my brain comes up with is a form of creativity, and I get many good ideas from my schizophrenia, but at the same time, as it sucks away my motivation it makes being creative that much harder than it already is.

24.  This is what schizophrenia looks like

/my-face

But also, it looks like people who look the same as everyone else, people who are visibly neuroatypical, people talking to themselves, people with their backs to walls and refuse to move, people who can’t bring themselves to make eye contact, people who can’t leave the house, just, people.

25.  Do you have any advice for newly diagnosed schizophrenics?

Lol, I am one. So I guess I don’t really have any advice for us.

Thanks for reading!

[mythicalcoolkid]

Happy mental health month y’all. I have schizoaffective disorder (schizophrenia and, in my case, depression) and anxiety and I’ve spent time in a psych ward. I’m down to answer any questions about my disorders and experiences

I’ll probably reblog this a bunch throughout the month so feel free to filter #ama

[vixalial]

Schizo-Spectrum Awareness Month Day 1 - Introduction

I decided to do this thing, and hopefully I see it through to the end of the month. My name is Edward, or Ned as a few people call me. I’m a bisexual/pansexual guy. INFJ, Scorpio, Ravenclaw. I’ve been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder since the summer of 2014/2015 (I forget exactly when). I was never told whether I’m the Bipolar type or Depressive but I assume the latter because I’ve also been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder; as well as Generalized Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and people think I’m somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Mental Illnesses seem to run in both sides of my family as I have relatives with Bipolar, Borderline, Depression, and alcoholism among others. So it seems I was going to get something either way. I’m currently on Seroquel XR 300mg. I have openly talked about drugs I’ve done on this blog, like shrooms and molly. I may be on the way to becoming an alcoholic and I smoke cigarettes. I grew up in poverty in a family of five kids. My father left when I was 9 to deal with his own mental health and my mother was often emotionally absent. Two of my siblings left home at an early age and so I basically raised my two youngest siblings myself until I too left home at the age of 15. I’m from a small-ish town in Northern Ontario, but I now live in Montreal, working for an industrial sewing company. I make things for mining, forestry and the like. In my free time I am an artist. My main area of expertise is writing, but I’ve done some pretty good sketches and I was a part of my first highschool’s drama club. I also play Ukulele. Right now I’m caught between writing a novel and writing lyrics/music to go with them. I took Creative Writing in college but stopped before I got my certificate. My writing is often dark and centered around themes of lovecraftian horrors and mental instability. A lot of my songs deal with my own mental health and the hallucinations/delusions I deal with on a daily basis. Dungeons and Dragons is also a thing I do; I am a dungeon master for a homebrewed world that I created (I drew a world map and created an entire history and lore for the universe). Another thing about me is that I am a pagan; a Celtic Polytheist to be specific. I am new to the path, but from the moment I stepped foot in this direction I have felt like I have always belonged here. The forests have always called to me and have felt more like home to me than anywhere I’ve lived. My patron god is Cernunnos, but I do believe in the other gods in the pantheon. At first I believed this path of mine to be just another aspect of my mental health, but as I traveled along it I learned they were separate, it is simply where my faith lies. I think that’s about it for an introduction. Feel free to message me about anything anytime, I’m friendly and sometimes like social interactions.

[juliadirectz]

Being positive isn’t about only ever having good things on your mind -- it’s about the ability to take the bad things and turn them into positive experiences.

(X)

[subwaysurf45]

Venom

summary: you have full control over venom, Fury has forbit you from showing it unless necessary and Bucky tests you without knowing what’s coming.  

Pairing; Venom!Reader x Bucky

words:  3627

warnings: fighting, that nickname “ Schizo “, arguing, ptsd/nightmares

Masterlist!

Venom’s dialogue is bolded!

you always hated training, it was never fun for you because while you just lifted weights and did cardio everyone else was fighting and practicing combat. It’s not like you enjoyed fighting, it was just getting a little tiring seeing the dirty looks from some people; especially Bucky.

You’d never spoken to the man, you’ve only been here three months after Fury tracked you down and sent Wanda to find you, half the people who were currently fighting on the mat hadn’t said a word. But what irked you the most was that no one really said their problems with you, you were completely in the dark about why they hated you.

Venom was your only friend, it was sad because he was literally just another part of your brain. He wanted to meet everyone, he was a friendly guy to new people he could trust; but now he also hates them all. Wanda and Fury were the only ones who knew Venom, Wanda got a little freaked out but she learned that he really liked her red hair and said it reminded him of fire she got friendly.

Venom also tried to eat Fury’s eyepatch once.

go over there and say hi, maybe they’re waiting for you.

“they don’t like me, V, they never will, I just need to do what I need to do,” you huffed as you kept biking on the stationary bike.

“Schizo is back at it again!” Sam laughed, that was also your nickname because venom talking to you was just an internal monologue.

“Leave her be,” Wanda slapped his arm.

“Come fight Bucky, he’s been wanting to see what you can do!” Sam yelled to make sure everyone could hear him.

you sighed and got off the bike, this was going to be hell and you knew it. Bucky looked like he was fine, not sweating at all or even remotely tired. You were almost done with your long cardio so the odds weren’t exactly even, also you weren’t a trained assassin; you never fought hand to hand.

Bucky jumped back and forth on the balls of his feet, his hands already up to protect his face. you just copy him, always turned into venom to fight but Fury told you he would lock you up in a cell if you ever just decided to turn into him for fun. Bucky’s metal arm flashed and distracted you- and that’s when he hit.

a flat palm to your nose, it stunned you and you toppled back.

you need me?

“no, I’m good,” you groan and stand.

“I didn’t ask,” Bucky snarled and punched you in the stomach.

the hit made you fall back again and harder, your head hit the mat which surprisingly didn’t have much cushion. your hearing went blank, it was just a constant sound ringing in your ears. It took you a couple seconds to realize Bucky was choking you out, his metal hand gripped tightly around your throat.

that’s it, I’m coming out.

“no, don’t!” you gasped and tried to pry Bucky hand off, as your vision darkened it was so clear to see when you were turning; Bucky’s face went white.

Venom took over, his black slick on his neck squeezed Bucky’s arm so he couldn’t pull away. Venom stood and was taller than anyone in the room, he had let Bucky go. but Venom’s tongue flicked out between his sharp teeth, saliva trickled down onto the mat. The black slick looked like it should melt and move on the floor but it stayed in its shape, Venom’s eyes large eyes that looked like spider-man’s but were rougher scanned the room to see the reaction.

a few people screamed, most of them stood in shock. They would have never thought this was the thing you were hiding, Venom looked around the room, now fully aware. His eyes locked with Bucky’s.

Venom leaned in, now getting on all fours. spit from Venom’s long tongue dripped into Bucky’s arm, without a second though the longest teeth Bucky had ever seen was crushing his metal arm. Bucky couldn’t feel it but he still screamed like a child, the metal looked like aluminum they way it folded on itself.

As Venom's teeth left Bucky’s arm one tooth remained lodged, sparks flew up from the open metal plates, the tooth allowed the wiring to show and all the little things inside the arm. Venom turned to scream at everyone, almost like the Hulk but a higher pitch.

Bucky just sat there, tracing the open wounds. He peered into his arm and he felt like he was peering into his soul, no one had ever taken this away from him, he never loved his arm but he was finally accepting it. it was weird to him, he tried to rip it off everyday for fifty years, scars littered his left shoulder. And yet this thing did it without thinking.

“What is going on!?” a voice boomed through the room, Bucky looked up and saw Fury screaming orders at everyone. He turned to Venom, “you know what happens, come with me!” he was starting to walk out of the room, you were still venom. “would you get back to human form!” he yelled again.

“not until she is safe,” Venom growled, everyone was shocked at the low gravelly voice.

“what does that mean?”

Wanda stepped forward, “Fury, if I may, y/n had been picked on this whole time, everyone calls her schizo and every Friday during movie night- it’s not movie night it’s a night where they talk about her behind her back...Venom doesn’t think it’s safe for her, I’ve tapped his part of her mind before, he’s been wanting to come out and hurt Bucky for a while, sorry Bucky,” Wanda turned to him, he was still sitting on the floor.

“Why Bucky?” Fury asked.

“He started the nickname and has been the rudest, I mean, you should hear what he’s been saying about her,” Wanda said, “but that doesn’t take away from the other full grown adults doing the same to a kid.”

“Bucky, come with me.” Fury barked.

Bucky walked beside a sulking Venom, they reached what looked like a holding cell. when they saw it both of them started to freak out.

“No, don’t, DON’T!” Venom yelled, his voice shaking the building.

Bucky just dropped silent, he hadn’t been in a cell since Hydra.

“Both of you will survive in there, now get!” Fury shoved them both in, the cell door slammed behind them and it shifted into a mirror. they both knew it was one way.

Venom fell flat against the wall and started to wail, long cries for help. He was punching the floor and screaming for someone to get him out, his tears were black but they had a shiny coat to them. Bucky just watched and only imagined the kid who was in there still, crying as well.

“Would you shut it, you monster?” Bucky groaned, knowing there was no amount of crying to get them out of this.

“I no monster!” Venom yelled, his slimy hands wiping the slimy tears.

“you’re literally a six-foot-six, covered in black goo, screaming monster, there’s no other word.” Bucky watched in disgust as Venom licked away his tears with his long tongue.

They went to either side of the room and turned away from each other. Bucky used his workout shirt as a pillow because there was no bed or anything remotely soft, just a toilet and sink sticking out of the wall.

Later on in the middle of the night Fury came by, he said Tony had found a way to fix Bucky’s arm. Bucky was awake from a nightmare so he joined Fury and walked to Tony’s tech room. The metal plates were put back into place and some of the wiring had to get fixed up. Tony kept the tooth to study, but Bucky knew it would just go into a jar or something.

******

it had been a few days, Bucky kept waking up from nightmares and thinking they were real due to the cement walls that matched his memories. He would look over his shoulder to see Venom still awake, Venom would notice Bucky awake and simply wave with a little smile on his face.

Fury stopped by everyday, he gave them an hour outside to do whatever they wanted. Bucky sat in the shade and read mission reports or books while Venom, who still hadn’t changed back to you, was running out in the woods.

Bucky had actually struck up a conversation, “why won’t you be y/n for a little while?” He actually wanted to talk to her because he liked her rather than the freak.

venom would only shake his head, “she’s not safe around you, you call me monster, you call her monster. I won’t allow her to be hurt again.” It was the same mantra.

“Not even if I promise to be nice?” Bucky would ask.

“You've never been nice,” Venom would then turn to the wall and give the silent treatment. That statement was false, Steve found Bucky nice, so did Nat, but that loving personality was turned off when you walked into the room.

yesterday Bucky ended the conversation, “Well, maybe I want to be, trying to extend an olive branch or something here...”

today Venom ran back to the holding cell a little later, he was clutching a stick in his hand. Fury allowed it, not really caring; Venom wasn’t very old so his part of your brain still thought like a child.

Venom went straight to Bucky, the super soldier was sitting and still reading his book. Bucky looked at Venom who was smiling and holding out a stick, when Bucky gave a confused look Venom just shook it closer to him.

“For me?” Bucky verbally questioned.

“Your olive branch,” Venom was jumping as he sat beside Bucky, “it was her idea, she said to also extend a branch, so...” Venom trailed off and placed the stick in Bucky’s lap.

Venom headed over to his side, a content smile on his face, Bucky heard him say: “he liked it!” in a whisper most likely to you.

Later in the evening they were served dinner, Venom got a little bigger portion than Bucky but neither was complaining. They were different, “what did you get?” Venom asked.

“I got some pasta with a piece of garlic bread, what about you, V?” That wasn’t the first time he’d used the nickname.

“I got alpha-getti!” Venom and Bucky shared and laugh.

“Here,” Bucky broke his garlic bread in half and instead of throwing it over to Venom, he walked it over. After that, they ate beside each other.

“Look, I spelled your name,” Venom whispered.

*****

Bucky was back in that chair again, the same doctors with the same greedy smile. They were laughing as they threatened to wipe his brain again, Bucky just looked around for an escape.

for no reason he saw you, not in Venom form, locked to a table that was angled up. Like that trick magicians do where you spin the assistant who is locked on a spinning board and try not to hit them when the magicians throw knives. You were the assistant, your wrists and ankles were strapped to the board and there were doctors over there as well.

Bucky tried to break out as new doctors approached you, he grunted and pulled on his own restraints trying to help you.

“Let her go!” he yelled, he knew his nightmares didn’t need you there, he knew this was his brain trying to get something out of him.

He saw you react to his voice, you looked over and tried to scream from him but all that came out was Venom’s scream, that high pitch screech that Bucky hated. Bucky saw you tug and try to pull away again and harder but there was no budge.

Bucky watched this stick with what seemed to be a taser on the end edge near you, Bucky watched in fear as half of your body turned into Venom while the other stayed the same. Venom’s limbs were longer than yours so they stretched the restraints and broke them, Venom tried to run but you were still held down.

Bucky saw your skin tug and move, he could hear your voice and the loud screams of pain involved.

and all at once, he woke up with a gasp.

Bucky looked down at his hands, he always did it to ground him. But when he looked up he saw you, in your human form, crouching beside him. The worry on your face was like no other, he’d never seen so much care in another human before.

“Bucky, what happened, you were screaming?” you sat beside him and held out a hand, “take my hand, V won’t come out.”

“Do you think I’m safe?” Bucky asked, still seeing the visions of the nightmare.

“I talked to Venom, when he’s asleep were are even and I told him to change, I finally slept in human form and I had a horrible nightmare, you were being brainwashed or something and then there words- it was all so crazy,” you decided to take Bucky’s hand, allowing him to know you found him safe.

“I had a nightmare you were being split of something, this wand-”

“Don’t,” you said with a shaky voice, “please don’t talk about that.”

Bucky nodded with a sad smile, “I understand, could you so the same for me?” you nodded at his request, Bucky looked down to see you gently rubbing his arm, your fingernails soothing down when the pads of your fingers went up. “that feels nice,” he smiled.

“I know,” you whispered.

*****

Wanda walked back into the kitchen, rubbing sleep out of her eyes, “that was cruel.”

“It's what they needed,” Fury said, “they are basically the same, Bucky just needed to realize that.”

“I’m serious, I’m never controlling dreams again, I had to watch that y’know? I had to see their darkest secrets and they will never know, I hate that.” Wanda shook her head and walked to her room.

*****

You and Bucky were finally let out, you found out your rooms were across the hall so you promised each other you’d have a sleepover. after the nightmares you both decided to get along, for some reason Bucky felt like he really did know you because of the things you’ve been through, half the time people try to relate to him, they try to water-down his trauma, but you just sit and listen; sometimes hug him as he cries into your shoulder.

Bucky was sitting on your bed as you got out of the shower, it was a weird phase. You both flirted, you both wanted to date but there was something in the way. You had the most open to each other about your pasts and everything you’ve been through, but it still felt off.

you sighed as you flopped on the bed, Bucky was reading again to try not to get distracted by the overwhelmingly good smelling shampoo you used, it was that one thing that make him buckle at the knees.

“So...” he closed his book.

“So.” you copied.

Bucky wanted to get something out, “what’s something you never asked me even though you have always wanted to?” before you could answer he added on, “or just like, something you’d always want to say to me.”

“Nothing really,” you shrugged but didn’t look at him, silence fell around the room, it was so blatantly obvious you wanted to say something.

“say it,” Bucky urged.

“sometimes when I looked at you when we fool around I can’t help but see who you were before the cell, the Bucky who called me Schizo, freak, and all those other things, the guy who’d trip me up walking down the hall or add extra weights without me knowing just so I'd throw out my back,” you picked at your fingers as your spoke, pulling your cuticle so hard it was starting the bleed.

Bucky sighed, how did he forget that important moment in time, he really was a jerk. There was no good excuse for the way he treated you, there was an excuse but just not a justifiable one.

“I-... how do I put this?” Bucky turned to you, but you still pulled on the bloody skin. “When I was allowed in, everyone hated me, I was seen as this loser who never talked. Tony would pick on me and I wanted to quit, I wanted to leave so bad.” he thought back to that time, “but when you showed up everyone just let you be, Wanda made sure no one touched you, you were never the butt of the joke.”

“until you made me,” you added, “until you decided to become what Tony was to you,” you sucked the blood off your pinky finger because you didn’t want it on your sheets.

“But that was different,” Bucky said.

“it wasn’t, Bucky, I really wasn’t. I mean, I wasn’t there when you showed up but I know for a fact Tony’s hate for you wasn’t far off from your hate for me.” You finally looked at him, “and Wanda had my back because she said she tried to have yours when you came in but you threw a cup at her.”

“I didn’t know that- I know I threw a mug at her but not her side,” Bucky looked off and out the window, piecing together it all. I guess it was true that he became the loser who bullied the new kid, “I just- you never showed your powers so we all thought you’d be dead weight, y’know?” Bucky added, trying to figure out his side of the story.

“I get that, I’m no trained assassin like you but...I have my guy.” You shrugged.

“can you fully control him?” Bucky asked, he sighed when you nodded, “that’s good to hear.”

“sometimes he can override but as much as I don’t want him to come out, I let him.” you slip under the covers, after the shower everything is cold.

But Bucky stood, he went to your side of the bed and stood, “y/n, I’m sorry, I was an ass and I really like you and I will do anything to make up for it, I really am sorry.” he kneeled beside the bed to get eye level, “I wanna be in a relationship with you, I really like you but I think I need your full forgiveness before we do that- If you even want to date me and all that-”

“my laundry.”

“what?”

“you have to do my laundry for a month, fluff and fold,” you flashed a toothy grin.

“that’s it?” Bucky gave a confused look, “you’re supposed to say ‘beg for forgiveness’ or something like that!” Bucky took your hand and shook it, “give me something better.”

“All I want is to see the first week versus the last. If you’re still putting in the same amount of effort and care, then I know I will forgive you. You can do something once at full force but the test is if you can keep doing it.” you smiled at his confused face, you just laughed and pulled him into bed, his head deep in your shoulder as you both fell asleep.

*****

Bucky pulled your laundry out for the last time, mentally thanking himself for not actually making her choose something harder because this was already enough. This time he learned about folding and how not to fold your underwear in on itself and basically make a knot, because he definitely didn’t do that (awkward cough)...

as Bucky folded in all on his bed he felt his heart drop at the men’s boxers that didn’t belong to him in the mix, it was a rule not to mix loads so this wasn’t his or anyone else’s. He put them off to the side and folded the rest, thinking of who they could belong to. you two weren’t exclusive yet, that would be up to you after Bucky finishes this load, so he couldn’t get mad if you slept with some guy; but it still hurt.

“Hey, buck-aroo!” you cheered as you walked in, “what’s wrong?” you instantly noticed his sour face.

“Do you still want to date me?” He asked, it had been a while since he started folding so his mind had been wondering and making up fake scenarios.

“Of course!” you walked over and hugged him, “what makes you ask that, babe?”

“the boxers in your laundry that aren’t mine,” he pulled out of the hug and held them up.

you doubled over laughing, “I wear those!” you chuckled, Bucky didn’t laugh, still uptight about it. “awe, poor baby, c’mere,” you opened your arms and Bucky fell into your hug like a child.

“I’m not a baby,” he whined in his low voice.

“you are,” you giggled, “don’t worry, I wear them to sleep sometimes, but I totally get where you’re coming from.” you rubbed his back, “I only want you.” you kissed his head.

“So are we official?” Bucky pulled away quickly, a smile on his face.

“Yes, boyfriend.” you joked.

“ahh!” Bucky jumped, “I’ve been waiting for this!” he pulled you back into a hug, only pulling away to give a couple more kisses.

“this means you’re also dating Venom,” you warned.

“what?”

you changed into Venom quickly, his long tongue licking a large stripe up Bucky's entire face, Bucky pulled away to try and wipe it off but it didn’t work.

“Bucky Boyfriend!” Venom cheered.

[azenta]

sorry for it's not related to anything i just don't know where else to write it. is it normal to feel inherently unable to be fulfilled? i haven't lived for long and my earlier memories are blurry but the things i'm able to recall all have this weak flavor of not being satisfactory enough. i started to be more proactive and moving towards things that i believe will make me feel better but as soon as i reach my goal i find myself wishing for more of that thing or maybe something completely different and go for the next goal without really appreciating what i've managed to earn so far. i have friends i'm close to and i love them dearly and yet it feels we're not close in a way i wish us to be so i try to spend more time with them and really get under their skin in a way that fulfills me but they never seem to let me in like this or be as concentrated on me as i am on them so it's like i'm ultimately alone and unable to have proper relationships with people. i don't consider it depression because i experience the full spectrum of human emotion and can perform just fine it's just that even at my best i'm aware of the fact my happiness is merely a patch covering the ultimate despair just like being full of food is a patch covering the ultimate hunger. even if you try to avoid getting hungry you know it's your natural state to be so and here it's the same with despair being something you can never get rid of. i considered it being so normal no one really talks about it but it felt wrong because there's no way so many would accept it. there's still hope i can actually patch the despair for good and be happy and fulfilled just like everyone around seems to be but it seems naive. at this point it feels like if i can't be fulfilled no matter what i shouldn't care about what i 'want' and just go for whatever will secure me in this world. if i'm destined to be disappointed in what i do i can go for a stable well-paid career instead of the one i personally found interesting and if i'm destined to be disappointed in people i can stop trying to be close to them at all. i could go to killing myself with this kind of thinking considering the existence is ultimately painful but i'm too afraid of pain and death to go through it. and maybe i'm still somewhat hopeful. sorry for the schizo text wall i just wonder if it really is a normal experience and if so how people don't kill themselves even more often.

The state of despair is not "normal" per se, or rather it indicates a myriad of things that I will elaborate on. But the feeling of being unfulfilled can be. The nuance is despair is felt when we get many or some particular needs not met on a regular basis, so it's a chronic feeling of dissatisfaction (feeling unfulfilled).

If you've been privated from some needs, especially for an elongated period of time, when you will encounter those needs, it's normal to "want more" at first. The need hasn't been satiated for so long that it will take time before you feel truly satisfied. You just have to think of someone who hasn't eaten properly for months, even tho they get a full day of eating properly, their body has been lacking in resources in many regards, therefore they will feel more intensely their hunger.

Also, that wanting more stems from a feeling of insecurity, which in itself speak of another crucial need (security). Since you haven't had this need met for so long, then your whole organism have retain that it may again take a while since you meet it again. In itself, it is a need to secure what you have obtained and how to obtain it to be able to fulfill it again. A need is a need, you cannot live without it without degrading your survivability. Nobody wants that.

But there is also another phenomenon I need to mention because it could be a possible reason why the dissatisfaction persists. There is the version where you find "something" that makes you feel like you have fulfilled your need, but it's only creating the feeling of fulfillment and not actually filling the need itself. That creates the phenomenon of addiction, where your need is never met, so you always feel the urge for it, but certain things or actions give you the "result" without really fulfilling the need. Therefore the behavior or object becomes associated with how to fulfill the need, when in reality it doesn't. This create the infernal loop of perpetual dissatisfaction and even the feeling of emptiness. And btw, I don't mean addiction exclusively in term of substance abuse, it can be anything really.

There are also many more things to take into account:

1. Your relation to your emotions.

2. Your beliefs around certain needs

3. Your awareness of your needs

And all of those three are affected by your life experiences and what you had to do to "survive" and strive through your environment.

If you have a poor relation with your feelings and emotions, then you are less likely to be in touch with your needs and therefore, less likely to be able to fulfill them. Emotions and feelings are how our brain tells us when some of our needs are affected (postively and negatively). And your environment might also have been punishing toward the attainment of certain needs and even rewarding toward some, at the detriment of some other too. This leads also to addictive behaviors or simply, maladaptive strategies that make you constantly unfulfilled regarding certain needs.

Since having the knowledge of what are freaking human needs is kinda necessary and practical, I'll use the pyramid of Maslow to give you a basis of what are those human needs. Here is the illustration of the said pyramid, but I will elaborate on each.

So, the first layer, in blue, is all about physiological needs. This is the very basic that we all need to account for if we want to meet anything above. If you eat like shit and sleep poorly, everything above will be difficult to accomplish. You won't have the minimum energy required to secure your work, to maintain a place to live, and even to care for your relationships and maintain a positive self-perception, even less actualize yourself. Let's not mention lacking air, you won't go anywhere without breathing lol. But, more seriously, if you live in a place where air is low quality, borderline toxic, it could be important to take it into account, because it means this primary need is poorly met and will automatically affect the rest. Your ability to work or preserve your other resources will considerably be altered.

The second layer, in light blue, is all about security. It's all about doing the necessary to secure every other needs. It also impact the first layer, as gaining easy access to healthy resources allow the first layer to be better attained as well. That's the need I mentioned earlier as well. This revolves a lot around the notions of accessibility and durability. The more accessible and durable "it" is in time, the more secure I feel. This applies to basic resources but also relationships, and even opportunities for growth in general.

The third layer, in green, is the sense of belonging and intimacy specifically. People underestimate greatly how humans as a species are fundamentally social and thus, dependent on others to survive properly. This is usually the category where shit hits the fan. People nowadays have a poor sense of intimacy and/or of belonging, in big part because most of psychological wounds are impacting this level (ex. Fear of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, injustice, humiliation, etc.) and also come from unmet social needs. Intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable with another and feeling understood and supported. The sense of belonging is the ability to relate and support each other. Those two demand effort and commitment toward people, and they demand a sense of security also to establish those needs and simply a sense of security in regard to the given relationships. If your sense of security is affected, you'll have a hard time being vulnerable and supportive of another, since you'll be more in a state of continuous distrust. You'll also not feel able to maintain those relationships and become either needy or avoidant of relationships. However, if you have poor relationships, it's also harder to maintain a sense of security and stability, since others help by providing access to resources, opportunities and help maintaining it altogether. They can facilitate the establishment of security in one's life (ex: having good relationship or network at work vs bad ones).

Then, the fourth layer, in orange, is all about the Estimation of self, or self-esteem. This evaluation of ourselves is crucial in how to properly survive since this is what help us evaluate our capacity and ability to handle challenges and difficulties. In other words, it informs us on how much we got the ability to survive and strive. If my self evaluation is poor, then it informs on problems at lower levels and it will also affect my ability to simply adapt to challenges. The need for relationships come before because our value depends a lot on the sense of utility we get from how we can provide and support each other. If the feedback we get from people is usually negative, it informs us we are doing something incorrectly. This force us to reevaluate ourselves, and so estimate our value differently. People serve as mirror of ourselves, to help us refine the necessary abilities to survive more easily. Of course, some environments are dysfunctional, toxic or simply inadequate for us as individuals, and this is why it matters to cultivate self-esteem apart from relationships to better recognize where we actually belong and who really deserves our energy and time, and simply with who we can actually cultivate intimacy.

This leads us to the last primary set of needs, in red, actualization. This one is about evolution, how to evolve and not simply survive. This is our drive, where our dreams lie, and what makes us make sense of life and the world around. This is the last one because you need everything else before to be able to construct a sense to life. If you lack food, shelter, or water, life will only appear as a perpetual and tedious battle of survival. If you have no security, same applies, everything will be a fight to stabilize the most basic aspects to survive, since everything will still be a potential threat until you get secure. If you have no one to rely on or to count on, nobody to relate, then things don't get much more purpose than maintaining yourself alive, which doesn't give much substance to life. If your self esteem is down the drain, you won't see your ability to actualize anything and so, won't be able to perceive a greater sense to life else than entertaining your relationships for the sake of it. But even then, your sense of utility will be doubted and you may start asking why you receive all this love or why it even matter. Usually, it even leads to self sabotage and self-destruction of relationship, which will of course worsen the sense given to life. And then, if you do have and believe in your capability but do nothing with them, you'll feel lost and will try naturally to find a purpose with all those abilities. Until it makes you cease to renew and empower yourself because there is no point to empower yourself if there is no use found into those personal abilities. The achievement of actualization also reinforce the self-esteem of ourselves and thus, provide further stability to all the other needs we have.

In the end, all of those needs affect each other mutually, but I do like the pyramid of Maslow because it helps to orient oneself in all of this and to identify our needs, and identify what needs we lack or have a harder time with. If you notice the lower layers are affected, then you can bet the upper ones are as well, and probably even more in deficit than the lower ones. So, this can be a good place to start and to aim which needs require more attention in priority. Like, if you notice your relationships don't give you the intimacy or belonging you crave, but your sense of security is crappy, then your relationships probably suffer from it, and that might be why the intimacy is not striving or satisfying as it should. It means you might be putting up walls without noticing or even lacking proper boundaries since you have no sense of personal space which is related to personal security.

In the end, life is not something simple, but it can definitely be enjoyable and not just a painful experience. Overall, with what you told me, I'd say to start with identifying your needs and working from below to top. I dont want to make this longer, but if you have questions on how to answer certain needs, I will let you ask. Or else I'll end up doubling the length of this already lengthy answer. You'll also certainly encounter personal issues that might be impairing the achievement of some of those needs. What will matter is your willingness to adjust and change to adapt.

Remember we are not static entities. Life is a perpetual movement, a perpetual process, and it is far more powerful than you are. So, if you decide to become an immovable object, be prepared to be broken into pieces. It's far more malleable, but also much more work to assemble back into a bigger stronger entity. However, it is also through adversity we are willing to change, since it is how we experience something is not working and impairing our survivability.

I hope this can help you some bit. Don't hesitate to ask other questions regarding this issue. Remember I'm not acting here as a therapist, so if you ever need more support or help, I'd advise seeking professional one.

[sleepy-shutin]

(if you're still fine w asks), are you aware of any other symptoms that may appear like systemhood? bc months ago i ended up questioning it because i had. strange identity issues (what looked like introjects/fragments), accompanied with heavy dissociation and what felt/looked like ''switching'', voices etc. lots of internal fighting. i possibly have bpd/cptsd+psychosis but never heard of psychosis nor bpd being able to cause something like this?? my experience seems so specific i cant look up anything. maybe its as simple as strong identity dissociation...

as far as i know, it's things like hormones, (think teenage years and PMS), regular PTSD, complex PTSD, another severe dissociative disorder that's not DIDOSDD, partial seizures, brain damage and head trauma, substance abuse, psychotic and schizo-spec disorders, and more, that are all various things that can look like systemhood but not be.

honestly, this list isn't even exhaustive. these are just some examples.

you just have to start by ruling out the ones that are definitely not related to you in some form.

[evernoddingaudience]

I seem to be losing my ability to understand what other people understand.

I used to be very good at understanding my target audience when writing anything from essays to personal letters. I could intuit which teachers liked certain senses of humor and I could put myself in my friends and family's shoes in order to better reason out my word choice.

I'd say it was one of my biggest strengths and probably the only thing keeping my autistic ass from accidentally burning my bridges as soon as they're built.

But recently (recently meaning a slow decline over a few months), I can't seem to figure it out anymore. I realized this as I wrote a letter to my brother and while it made sense to me as I was writing it, when I reread it assuming the perspective of my brother, as is my habit, I found it all gibberish.

The technical words and grammer were fine, but I couldn't tell at all if I was making sense or not when they were strung all together. I sent it anyway, deciding to trust that I knew what I was doing, and when I showed my therapist a copy to double-check, she said it made sense to her.

After that, I realized that I had been having this trouble for a while even when writing to my therapist, or texting others.

It's like. I'm aware enough to be doubtful I'm making sense, but not aware enough to know what to do about it. I've never had this problem before.

I don't know if it is only the written word that is affected because my verbal communication has always been poor so I have no standard of measurement.

If I were filled with less apathy, I might be concerned. I might even be crushed about the disappearance of one of the few talents I am genuinely proud of.

(I suspect that there is a part of myself somewhere I cannot reach that is emotional, but that doesn't help me here.)

As it is, I find it mildly interesting and very frustrating.

What happens if I lose this ability entirely? If I start communicating in nothing but nonsense?

Is this a prelude to psychosis? Is it just another sign of my poor mental health in general? Is this a relatively normal thing that I shouldn't even pay any mind to? The only thing I know this to be indicative of is schizo-spectrum disorders, but I've always had a higher level of schizotypy without psychosis anyway.

Regardless, I'll just keep an eye on it I guess. There's nothing I can do either way, I just want to make sure I have a written account of my experience somewhere.