#scary scary scary my chest hurts
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btw i got myself a kouhai for the missions :p through society so idk anything abt them but hopefully we can sync our schedules this is scary and exciting
#the thing im not talking abt rn is that i feel a bit sick bc of anxiety#i have. an important thing tomorrow. aaaaaaa#scary scary scary my chest hurts#and im still not finished with the event#nor with my papers and stuff.#and then ill have. a blood test on tuesday and another one on wednesday eugh#spare me
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gay ppl
gay people
sniff sniff i wish i could save you sigh… i have a math test tomorrow i might die
#i still need to finish like majority of my math hw#but i’ve been having horrible chest pains#idk why#that’s not important tho#0507 is#hell yeah#hel#yehah#i hate them#DIE#top ten domestic dates number one aquarium number two bakery number three park number four evil scary dungeon number five cafe number six c#i’m actually dying help me#everything hurts starts beatboxing#chibi's ramblings#lee postings
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beyond the spiderverse shouldn't come out until 2030 imo the animatiors and editors need to fucking rest
#they literally finished the edit DAYS before the premiere. the character designs weren't cleared until months before the premiere#i knew working on that film was no smooth sailing job (like most animation) but the fact that they're still#making edits of this movie is scary. i hope the people that worked on this build a union because pascal and phil lord#had them working like anything. the intense crunch sessions are making my chest hurt
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The only ONLY thing that triggered me in the entire 238 minutes of Baby reindeer is 27 seconds of donny's parents hugging him.
#and the agony that I never felt it#Coming out to parents about your trauma history is scary!! What if they never hugged you.. (she never hugged me)#NOW this hurts more than the trauma part#i'm letting this out of my chest.. tears won't stop flowing whenever I go near her after I've watched this.. I'm sorry this became#a vent post#tw#baby reindeer#kimuona
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i have so many thoughts about the whole orym and will "i'll be waiting" "see you soon" exchange in the context of how dorian is also supposed to fit in the picture with orym like dUde
orym i love you and you love will and that's precious and lovely but are you gonna pursue a romance with dorian while thinking about how will is waiting for you and reuniting with him in the afterlife? like idk i get it but that just feels a little unfair...
#now listen i know they can pull something like#'oh the three of them can be happy together in death'#like sure but i can't imagine that because i wouldn't do well in a poly relationship so all i can think about is like#how if i were in dorian's shoes id feel like second best#or like a fuller relationship#idk#i also get that will was like 'don't live in my shadow' but AT THE SAME TIME#HE SAID HED BE WAITING#THATS#THATS KINDA CONTRADICTORY#ive been trying real hard to not let the 'dorym is doomed by the narritive' thing hit#but this aspect makes my chest hurt whenever i think about it#i don't want to tag cause being perceived is scary but i also want to tag so people can avoid things if they want hhhh#critial role#critical role spoilers#cr c3e104
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Fighting for my breath rn, this is fun
#my chest hurts#I’m lightheaded and I keep coughing#like full on coughing fits#every breath I have to fight to take#this is scary
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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now
#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope#like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday#i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them#then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right#and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying#for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam#and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard#and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs#and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes#but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too#and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50#and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell#like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good#because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence#he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously#and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell#granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends#only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares#and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking#that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta#and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but#idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best#to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin#it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me#or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents#and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house#and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE#ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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#when my mom had just passed away#I struggled the most with talking about her in past tense it just didn’t make sense#and I remember being in the living room watching tv and then staring at the door to the kitchen bc I thought I heard her steps or#maybe hoping to see her come in#but it didn’t happen#it’s a very difficult thing to navigate through but you just gotta be kind with yourself#it’s been almost two years and I haven’t fully grasped how much losing her the way we did has changed me#in May for example I realised I’m a lot more quieter than what I used to be#and that the little questionnaire I went through every morning when I woke didn’t really go away#I still do it but it’s more automated than it used to be#this got too long sorry my point is#grief changes us and it’s scary but it’s gonna happen anyway so it’s best to be find the things that make you feel like you’re afloat#I’m finding a lot of joy in watching videos of Liam dancing and enjoying his songs#he’s always going to be smiling in those and I want them to be the last thing I see before I fall asleep even if my chest still hurts#there are so many grammar mistakes here maybe the pills have kicked in
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You want to know how bad my memory is?
I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.
I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'
'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'
#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck??#When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue#Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting#Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha'#It's scary.#I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make#Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it#I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time#And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you.#Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :)#Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather#So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction#Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it#Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write#Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul.#I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin#In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone#I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that.#Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster.#Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you#Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves...#ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter.#I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic#Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying?#Yeah GROOVY
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I'm fine now dw
#this is not a good long term solution but weed does make me significantly less depressed#thus far extremely effective in ending mental and emotional breakdowns#''will I still want to kms if I'm high?'' the answer is always no when I'm high I want to eat dry cereal and listen to video game music#the hatsune miku pikachu song has by the power of weed restored my will to live#if I didn't care about the long term effects I'd stay high all the time tbh. so much less pain. everything is funnier. its easier to smile.#my chest doesn't hurt. nothing is scary. i simply do not care about the general state of things. brushing my teeth feels nice.#the water is soft. I have my earplugs in and the sound of my own breathing is soothing instead of annoying.#I can do anything but I have to do it extremely slowly. Thats fine. I'm not upset about people yelling at me because I don't care.#All is well. keep on keepin on. no need to think beyond tomorrow. no need to think beyond tonight.#no need to think beyond making myself safe and warm and clean and fed and cozied up with only sounds that make me happy#this is the feeling humans were created for. the feeling of being cradled by the universe thrumming in the back of our hearts.#the feeling of the vast being not uncaring but simply unaware and inherently caring in its ignorance.#water to drink soothing and aiding and fueling her creations. all is well. all is well.#there is a crack in the paint in my bathroom that looks like a super buff ant
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sobs and sobs and sobs
i love her
#god#the last time i loved someone like this it…. was not good#i repressed it. she was my best friend. my friends kept joking that we should get together. it was a HOT MESS#and it hurt so. fucking. bad.#but this is so different and it’s just-#i can touch her and kiss her and hold her and be with her guilt-free and i can tell her that i love her more than anything in the world#instead of just whispering it to the sky late at night when i think no one can hear#and it’s just hitting really hard#i never thought that i would get to have this?#i thought i would have to choose- either i could repress being not a girl (and be miserable) but have someone who loves me#or i could embrace being not a girl and be alone for the rest of my life because who would want me like that#and i just- she kissed me and then called me theo and i just broke down in tears#and it was after that that she told me she loved me#and it made me cry so much harder#because i guess this is the beginning of realizing that i CAN have both#i can be theo and i can cut my hair short and i can hide my chest and i can wear whatever the hell i want#but i can also have the girl of my fucking dreams who loves me just as much as i love her#god i’m such a sappy bitch right now#and i wish i could work up the nerve to tell her all this#and i know i will eventually it’s just scary right now#but. yeah#in love for realsies i suppose#gayte
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my job interviews both asked for no masks to be worn during them and i was like ok fine i guess bc i do v much need the interviews
guess who started feeling like they had a shitty cold last night, but brushed it off, and now feels way worse and like this is definitely a chest cold?
🙋♂️💀
#text post#im so fucking mad bc if this is anything worse than a cold I really cant afford to deal with it rn#so this better be a fuckin cold#god this second one is a job i cant take for my own mental health and the first hasn't gotten back to me yet#with interview results and all that jazz#i did two hugely scary things for me and still have no job and now feel like complete shit physically#theyve activated my inner grumpy older dude#speaking of grumpy older dudes and being inside ppl; i should reblog some izzy content#that would cheer me up#fr tho breathing hurts i never get chest colds usually 😭😭😭
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he is so real for this and presave his album go on
#I DONT LIKE IT WHEN NEW PEOPLE START PAYING ATTENTION ITS SCARY AND MAKES MY CHEST HURT#me too my guy me too#will wood
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#having straight thoughts.#nobody will know of my fantasy of being a normal husband who adores his wife. i know i cant ever have that but#gosh do i want a cheesy romance with some random girl . i dont actually love but.#gosh..#the thought of being desired and being able to desire. the thought of making a lovely lady happy. gah...#how i wish to just be a normal and whimsy guy sometimes. i just want to charm girls.#all i can do is confuse them and thats pretty much romance enough for me#i wish. i could feel love. sometimes. and im okay with not. but. also. gahh...#its just!! love seems like such a cute feeling!! i want to see people happy and enjoying themselves and i want to just!!#sigh. i just wish i could charm people and not in my 'scary weird not quite a girl' way#i wish i wasnt percieved as a girl at all but. if it helps#they percieve me as a weird scary girl! which is pretty nice. others percieve my as what i am : a femboy. a lot think im nonbinary?#gender is weird. i dont mind being called nonbinary but i HATE being reffered to as trans. like yes its what i am but it doesnt feel Right.#i do wish i was a cis guy. if i was a cis guy i would dress like a girl or nothing.#i wish i had a packer. i hope i can get top surgery one day. i wish i didnt have this body but theres things i do like about it.#i do like my body i think? but. gosh. the way others percieve it is awful. i hate being catcalled its so awkward. i like my curves because#they make me feel closer to that femboy status! my tummy is cute! but. others see it way different.#tonight i feel wonderful about my body because i got to lie against my friend's chest and feel their heart and i adore their body because#its theirs! and i wouldnt have it any other way! and they probably feel that way about mine . so i must love mine regardless.#im tired and my body has been wonderful today because i got to have it with a friend.#i want to lie against their chest again the feeling of touching them and being so close it hurts so much i need it#i love my friends#i love how they dont think my touch is bad i dont need to be worried about my grossness with them because they understand me atleast a lil.#i love them!!#feeling love in this special loveless way is wonderful. i never want to feel whatever romance is. sigh <3 :-)
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Alfred honestly can’t say shit about Bruce bringing in strays, because what if the Waynes got him the same way?
I genuinely can’t recall HOW Alfred, British special forces extraordinaire, ended up working for Gotham’s (scary) sweethearts.
In my mind, he came to them bleeding.
There’s a tang of bitterness pooling in his gut. Soldiers don’t have friends. They have guns. And he’s all out.
Just when Alfred thought all is in peril, a tiny little hand gently covers a nasty bullet hole on his abdomen.
The first thing Alfred thinks about is: ‘Jesus, this kid has scary eyes.’
“Hi, Alfred.”
“…How do you—“
“Bruce! Jesus FUCKING Christ, I swear, I’m not paying for your ransom next time you run o—…What the fuck is that?”
If there’s one thing about Thomas that Alfred will never forget is his voice; The bass , so chasmic and powerful it could shake the whole world, and the burning care in his eyes despite his vulgarity.
Bruce, — who’s the tiniest bundle of a boy Alfred witnessed, is yanked up by his father’s strong hands, squeezed to his chest carefully. “Hurt,” he says. There’s a tiny, red handprint on Thomas’ shirt.
“Yeah, I didn’t notice,” Thomas mumbling, looking around.
Maybe local gangs? The bullet point is too precise, too calculated. “Who the hell are you?”
Alfred, with his raspy breath, says, “I’m the terribly rude bloke dying on your doorstep, I’m afraid. Alfred Pennyworth. At your service.”
For a guy who’s about to bleed his last, he sounds awfully sarcastic.
“Yeah, wise guy, no one’s dying on my kid’s birthday. Bruce, tell Dotty to prep up the basement. And tell your mama to get my Budlight out of the cooler. Jesus Christ.”
Alfred ends up hoisted on this man’s back. Thomas asks if he has anyone he wants to call? Anyone that’ll come pick him up? Anyone to bury him, if it comes to it.
Alfred whispers he does not.
Thomas sighs. “Well. Kid‘a been asking for a playmate.”
#Thomas isn’t that serious but Alfred KEEPS COMING BACK#he got attached to the strange round eyed ghost pale child#Martha came back from her trip to Russia and saw her husband performing surgery on a guy with no anesthesia#cigarette in his mouth - because this ain’t a hospital. and it ain’t even lit.— and Bruce hands him the tools and she sighs. god damn it.#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#thomas wayne#dc comics#dc#batman#baby bruce wayne#the waynes#text#text post
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