#robin atwood

[angel-atelier]

For the wages of sins is death

[tinyvault]

The OC.

[heavywithhaving]

my local bookstore was selling dearly by margaret atwood for like 300 php which is a really good price for a book, especially for a poetry collection. ive never bought anything so quick lol

[webweabings]

FINDING A LOST LOVER

Jonathan Carroll; // M. Edwards; // Sue Zhao; // Alexander Dumas, from "The Count of Monte Cristo" tr. Robin Buss; // Mary Oliver from "Thirst"; //Margaret Atwood from "Selected Poems 2: 1976 - 1986"; // Euripides from "Orestes"; // Cassandra Clare from "Lady Midnight"

[imtiredthatsalligot]

We're the TITANS

Dark Crisis #6/ Elecktra- Sophocles// New Titans #?// Titans Annual #1// Tumblr// Inheritance- Devin Grayson// Titans ?// The Last Days of Judas Iscariot- Stephen Adly Guirigis// Teen Titans Year One #1// Robin and Batman #2// Unknown// Wonder woman #?// Titans Annual #1// Heroes in Crisis #8// The Blind Assassin- Margret Atwood// Titans #26// Unknown// Elecktra- Sophocles// Titans Annual #1// Outsiders #18// Tumblr// Outsiders Secret Files// Titans #21// Nightwing #75// Dark Crisis #6

If i messed up any issue numbers or anyone knows the issue numbers for the ones I missed please let me know! I just couldn't wait to get this idea out of my head.

[mostlyghostie]

What I read in May.

All great!

Nearly read every Elizabeth Strout book now and they’re all perfect, though this probably less so than the Lucy Barton/Olive Kitteridge ones

I cannot believe I never read Susan Cooper as a kid, I can’t wait to continue this series

Very impressive, creepy, funny Atwood poetry and short fiction

The ninth (ninth!) of the Robin Hobb books I’ve read, the only modern-ish giant under-edited fantasy series I’ve ever Ben able to get on board with. Too long and oddly paced, but better characters than any other similar series, love them.

Instagram / Shop

[ed-recoverry]

List of free audiobooks on YouTube for anyone interested

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Jeff Kinney

The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain

Alice in Wonderland

Animal Farm by George Orwell

The Shadow Over Innsmouth by H P Lovecraft

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Hatchet by Gary Paulsen

Twelve Years a Slave by Solomon Northup

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck

The Village by Caroline Mitchell

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone (fuck JKR)

Sense & Sensibility by Jane Austen

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Upside Down by Danielle Steel

The Fiancée by Kate White

The Silence of the Lambs by Thomas Harris

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Theif

Accidentally Married by Victoria E. Lieske

I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

The Collector (book one) by Nora Roberts

The Lies I Told by Mary Burton

Dead Man’s Mirror by Agatha Christie

The Hobbit

The Taken Ones by Jess Lourey

The Good Neighbour by R J Parker

The Island House by Elana Johnson

Desperation by Stephan King

The Healing Summer by Heather B. Moore

The Last Affair by Margot Hunt

To Be Claimed by Willow Winter

Romeo and Juliet by Shakespeare

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

The Inn by James Patterson

Wonder by R J Palacio

Faking It With The Billionaire by Willow Fox

The Lost Years by Mary Higgins Clark

Forrest Gump by Winston Groom

The Janson Directive by Robert Ludlum

The Catcher in the Rye

The Lottery Winner by Mary Higgins Clark

Where Eagles Dare by Alistair MacLean

Death of a Nurse by M C Beaton

Yours Truly by Abby Jimenez

Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson

The Sonnets by William Shakespeare

Frozen Betrayal by Clive Cussler

The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

Line of Fire by R J Patterson

Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen

The Remnant by Tim LaHaye

The Magic of Reality by Richard Dawkins

The Secret of Chimneys by Agatha Christie

Payment in Kind by J A Jance

The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida

The Game of Life and How to Play It by Florence Scovel Shinn

The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

A Marriage of Anything but Convenience by Victorine E. Lieske

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

The Inheritance Game by Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life

Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

The Kama Sutra by Mallanaga Vatsyayana

The Wisdom of Father Brown by G K Chesterton

Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe

Robin Hood by J Walker McSpadden

The Poor Traveller by Charles Dickens

Days on the Road: Crossing the Plains in 1865 by Sarah Raymond Herndon

Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

Atomic Habits by James Clear

I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream

Trading in the Zone by Mark Douglas

The Art of War by Sun Tzu

The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett

A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson

The Return of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle

The Epic of Gilgamesh

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

Man After Man

Five on a Treasure Island by Enid Blyton

The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane

Charlotte’s Web

Midsummer Mysteries by Agatha Christie

Out of Silent Planet by C S Lewis

The Valley of Fear by Arthur Conan Doyle

Eaters of the Dead by Michael Crichton

The Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

The Castle of Otranto by Horace Walpole

21 Lessons for the 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harai

Hamlet by Shakespeare

[the-star-rigel]

Jason (from the Greek Iásōn, “healer”) Peter Todd (from the German Tod, “death”) - I hope you find your way out of that grave.

dc comics + The Oresteia, Aeschylus / Lady Windermere’s Fan, Oscar Wilde / Grief Lessons: Four Plays [tr. Anne Carson], Euripides + Batman v1 #385 / Batman: The Cult #3 / For Example, Mary Oliver / Batman: Legends of The Dark Knight #100 / Batman: Under the Red Hood / Eight, Sleeping at Last / Red Hood and the Outlaws: Rebirth / Batman: Urban Legends #10 + ? / On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Ocean Vuong / Red Hood and The Outlaws #25 / Slay the Princess / pinterest + Batman #422 / Batman #424 + Rilke's Book of Hours: Love Poems to God, Rainer Maria Rilke + Batman #428 | A Death in the Family / @/metamorphesque, tumblr / American Teenager, Ethel Cain / Anecdote of the Pig, Tory Adkisson / interpretations of A Death in the Family + The Oresteia, Aeschylus / Nightwing: Secret Files and Origins #1 + the Haunting of Bly Manor + Red Hood and the Outlaws #23 / @/petrichara, tumblr / I Didn't Apologize to the Well, Mahmoud Darwish / Infinite Crisis: Secret Files + pinterest / Ruin and Rising, Leigh Bardugo / Red Hood and the Outlaws #26 / The Cruel Prince, Holly Black / pinterest / Red Hood: The Lost Days / Sue Zhao / Red Hood: The Lost Days part II + Red Hood: The Lost Days #4 / I See Boats Moving, Fernando Pessoa / Oedipus the King, TV Tropes / @/devilsmoon, tumblr / Red Hood: The Lost Days + Speeches for Dr Frankenstein, Margaret Atwood / Saving June, Hannah Arrington + embroidered patch / Slay the Princess / unaligned, @/hamletmaschine + Batman: Under the Red Hood / Batman: Under the Red Hood + Batman and Robin #11 + South and West: From a Notebook, Joan Didion / The Good Fight, Ada Limón / Batman: Under the Red Hood / Grief Lessons: Four Plays, Euripides [tr. Anne Carson] / Batman: Under the Red Hood / Slay the Princess / Under the Red Hood / Slay the Princess / @/sainticide, twitter / The Truth About Grief, Fortesa Latifi + Batman: Under the Red Hood / Batman: Under the Red Hood / Ten Legs, Eight Broken, mandana on tiktok / War of the Foxes, Richard Siken + Under the Red Hood + Batman #428 | A Death in the Family / The Unabridged Journals Of Sylvia Plath, Sylvia Plath / Under the Red Hood + Batman #428 | A Death in the Family / @baitmeat, tumblr + Batman: Under the Red Hood (Deluxe Edition) / Origin Story, Desireé Dallagiacomo / Vive, Vive, Traci Brimhall / The Dogs I Have Kissed, Trista Mateer + Batman: Under the Red Hood + Three Jokers / Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #9 / @/sainticide, twitter + Red Hood and the Outlaws #10 / Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve, Taylor Swift / ? + Robin 80th Anniversary 100 Page Super Spectacular / Ep. 4: Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth -- 'Sacrifice and Bliss', Joseph Campbell / White Knight #7 + Heaven, Mieko Kawakami / Forest Fire, Mitski / Red Hood and the Outlaws Vol. 2 #9 + Batman Annual #25 + Free Will Astrology, Rob Brezsny / Letter XV, @/lucidloving / Red Hood and the Outlaws Vol 1: REDemption / briscoepark + The Civil War, Anne Sexton [compiled by @/lovejoyparadox here] / @/soapstore, tumblr + I Await the Devil’s Coming, Mary MacLane + Claire C. Holland / @/havingrevelations, tumblr / Meditations in an Emergency, Cameron Awkward-Rich + Deathstroke #34 / Grief Lessons: Four Plays by Euripides [tr. Anne Carson] + Red Hood and the Outlaws

[llovelymoonn]

Could you please do a webweave about guilt?

cheryl savageau mother/land: "graduate school first semester: so here i am writing about indians again" \\ frank bidart the war of vaslav nijinsky \\ robin ekiss the mansion of happiness: "the bones of august" \\ anne sexton the complete poems of anne sexton: "the double image" \\ margaret atwood the door: "europe on $5 a day" (via @flowerytale) \\ @el-im

kofi

[mostly-mundane-atla]

Real talk: i have been pretty absent from this blog (i wouldn't say slacking necessarily because it is first and foremost a hobby, a means of communication second, and i do not consider it a job to any degree). Do not worry, nothing bad has happened, and a big part of it is rediscovering my love of literature. Got my hands on a copy of Thomas Kinsella's The Táin, read The Handmaid's Tale, and recently finished Ivanhoe through audiobook.

I've already been singing the praises of the Táin Bó Cúailnge so i'll spare you having to read through that gushing. Ivanhoe is incredible and shockingly sensitive on the topic of antisemitism for something written by an early 19th century Christian author intended for a majority Christian audience. The scenes with Robin Hood also filled me with a childish glee and i think it was suppose to be a surprise that this guy is Robin Hood but he introduces himself as Locksley and wins an archery contest and leads a gang of outlaws in the woods, including a hermit who refers to Alan-a-Dale quite a bit so it's very obvious to a modern reader. Handmaid's Tale was also as good as i've heard it was, but there's a specific detail i want to discuss that feels relevant to how i think of this blog and how others use it.

I've read the reviews and the plot synopses amd analyses, i knew about the epilogue that frames the story as a historical document a century or so in the future. This did not surprise me. What did catch me by surprise, and something i feel is entirely overlooked, is that this story of an oppressive theocratic regime that uses Biblical precedence to excuse extreme atrocities of human rights violations and turned out to not even last very long, is contextualized as the topic of a discussion hosted by First Nations academics who study white people cultures. You can be pedantic and say "oh but technically they're only First Nations coded because it's presented as a transcript with no physical descriptions" and to a degree you would be right; but when you see names like Maryann Crescent Moon and Johnny Running Dog used for professors of a University of Denay (an anglo-phonetic spelling of Diné/Dene) in Nunavit, there isn't much room for speculating what ethnicity they're supposed to be.

There are so many little details in the book referencing Indigenous genocide. Details suggesting forms of genocide Atwood would be familiar with as a Canadian citizen. To only bring up religious fanaticism and patriarchal regressive politics in Middle Eastern nations like Iran and Afghanistan as well as the United States as inspirations for a surface level five minute summary is one thing, but to ignore all the anti-Indigenous policies that are also obvious inspirations (literally just read the passages about how the Narrator/Offred's daughter was taken from her, renamed, and given to a "proper home" to get what i mean, it's that blatant) when the iconic epilogue makes it as explicit as it can be without writing "THESE ARE NATIVE ISSUES" in big red letters? I won't lie to you, it feels like a slap to the face. Especially when the take away message of such a conclusion seems to be that Native peoples will outlive these regimes.

[angel-atelier]

Lazari and Stripes: Two sides of the same coin

Lazari never knew exactly what was going on. She was always behind closed doors, locked away from the public eye. But then again, she felt she deserved to be hidden after all, she was a shameful display of wickedness in a pure world. 

Of course, what didn't help this feeling was not knowing who she was. Her first memory was waking up in Silverwood National Park underneath a maple tree. The only thing she knew was her name, Lazari. As Lazari began to fully take in her location and begin to rise, she noticed she was being watched by a woman. She was dressed in a habit, rosary at her hip. She couldn't be more than 24, with firey hair and a massive scar running down her cheek and over her eye. Looking back, Lazari finds it strange for a few reasons.

She stood watching the young girl inquisitively. While the woman was surprised, she didn't seem too perturbed. “What are you doing out here?” Lazari looked down at her dirty feet. “Dunno…” “..Do you know where you live?” Lazari shook her head. The woman pondered and looked around, a bit displeased. No one within miles. It was going to be dark soon, too. “Fine. Then come with me. I'll get you cleaned up” The woman came closer and reached out her arm.

Lazari grabbed her hand and rose, dirt and moss falling off her like a blanket. The way she stood was awkward and off kilter, like a baby deer taking its first steps. She was dressed in filthy rags, but her body, minus her hands and feet, were relatively clean, all things considered. 

“Your name?”

“Lazari”

“Robin”

As she dusted off her rags, Robin was already starting to walk ahead of her. Lazari gave one last look around, trying to recall any reason why she might have been out here. Surely someone must be missing her? She survived till this point even if she couldn't remember how. “Let's go” Robin stood waiting, her voice commanding but still pleasant.

Together the two made their way to a dirt path.

18 years before this, a baby, almost swaddled in English ivy and moss, was found underneath a Tibetan Cherry Tree. It wasn't uncommon for weird things to happen in cedar springs, but this was a new one. The couple who found her had always longed for a child. Had God answered their prayers? The only worldly possession the baby had was a dog-tag around her neck, overside and clunky for her small frame. It was engraved with one word “Stripes”

Stripes' whole world was her family, they all loved each other dearly. Their miracle baby was everything they could ever hope for. Intelligent, kind, brave, and most importantly happy. 

As she grew, so did her temperament. Tantrums were normal for kids, but it escalated as the years went on. When she was 8, she had begun having sudden and explosive out bursts. This was strange as she had long outgrown toddler behavior. Maybe since she had been such a good kid thus far, she would have problems now? Her parents reasoned with themselves. She was their first and only child. Maybe it was just growing pains. She was still a wonderful child when she wasn't acting this way. 

When she was around 11, she began biting fellow classmates and shrieking at the wee hours of the night. She always denied the screaming the next morning, but it wore down her parents. Sleepless night after sleepless night made them irritable instead of understanding towards her. Stripes had no idea what was happening herself. She felt as if she had lost control, a runaway train heading straight for a brick wall. She was angry, scared, and even more so she was so damn hungry. No matter how much she ate, it seemed she had a never-ending hunger. Nothing seemed to fill her up, which just frustrated her more. Maybe it was puberty? Growing bodies need more food, she knew that, but this seemed excessive. Her reputation at school naturally suffered as she did.

When she was 12 her parents took her to doctor after doctor, looking for something to help her. Misdiagnosis after misdiagnosis left her ragged. She’d try a pill, and then another, and another. Nothing seemed to help. What's worse was that her family seemed reluctant to give up any of their family's own medical history. After enough prying and pushing, she got the truth out of them. She wasn't theirs, never had been. She bore only slight physical resemblance to her father, but just figured she would grow to look more like them. 

Everything came to a head. She already had issues, but this? A huge betrayal of her trust from some of the only people she still gave a damn about. The argument that followed was awful. Through hot tears, Stripes said every hurtful thing she could think of, and her parents just screamed back at her.

Locking herself into her room, she slid back against the door, curling into a ball and sobbing. When she was calm enough to see, she noticed something shocking. Her hands had become longer, grotesque flesh like claws replaced her normal fingers, and at the end it became pitch black. What the fuck? She ran into her bathroom, looked into the mirror and almost vomited. Her head had sprouted tiny twig like horns aswell. As she tried to ripped them out and washed her hands raw she thought What the hell am I? What's happening to me? on repeat until she couldn't bare to anymore.

Stripes had to get the hell out of this place and fast, figure out what was happening. She was so confused and hurt. No one could see her like this, especially not her parents. All she had ever known had been a lie.

In the dark of the night, she left behind all she ever knew and loved.

[roseverie]

do you have any poetry/anthology book recommendations? 🤍

- Les Fleurs du Mal (The Flowers of Evil) by Charles Baudelaire

- Ariel by Sylvia Plath

- Poems 1962-2012 by Louise Glück

- Averno by Louise Glück

- Certain Magical Acts by Alice Notely

- The Carrying: Poems by Ada Limon

- Selected Poems 1: 1965-1975 by Margaret Atwood

- Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson

- The Complete Poems of Anna Akhmatova

- The Moon Is Always Female: Poems by Marge Piercy

- Extracting the Stone of Madness by Alejandra Pizarnik

- Cherry Blossom Epiphany: the poetry and philosophy of a flowering tree by Robin D. Gill

- I Always Carry My Bones by Felicia Zamora

- Howling at the Moon by Darshana Suresh

- The Black Unicorn: Poems by Audre Lorde

- Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda

- Haruko: Love Poems by June Jordan

- The Ink Dark Moon: Love Poems by Ono no Komachi and Izumi Shikibu

- Devotions: The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver

- Orpheus & Eurydice: A Lyric Sequence by Gregory Orr

- Crush by Richard Siken

- Rose by Li-Young Lee

- A Red Cherry on a White-tiled Floor: Selected Poems by Maram al-Massri

[darkpurpledawn]

my favorite Batman fics from 2023, part one

I read a metric ton or so of batman fanfic this year--this is part one of my faves from January-November. We’ve got harlivy, batfam/gen, batcat, and Bruce-centric stuff in this list, next one will be rogues ships, batjokes, and riddlebat. I’ve only included fics that were completed this year, might make a separate post for faves that are ongoing

Harlivy

Client Services by Anon_and on_and on

Lawyer Pamela defends Harley from a malpractice suit...just in time to fall in love with her client. Totally fun and well-realized no capes AU

The Fantabulous Emancipation of One Barbley Quinn by iamawilderness

This is one of the wildest fics I’ve ever read--a lovely crossover that doesn’t seem it like should work but does beautifully. The writing really sparkles!

Retail Therapy: Gotham Edition by paprikaflakes (@paprikaspice)

now that’s some grade-A Harley Quinn dialogue

Batfam-ish (aka Dick and Alfred)

the quiet noise by orphan_account

Batman's in surgery and Jim Gordon and Superman sit with a distraught but stoic Robin in the hospital waiting room. Really lovely outside pov on baby Dick Grayson

They Also Serve by Ginevra_Benci

Really lovely look at Alfred’s POV on the morning after a young Dick Grayson comes to stay in Wayne Manor

Happy Endings: a John and Mary story by @lordwisteria

Based on a Margaret Atwood short story, this metafictional piece about Dick Grayson’s parents is stunning

Umbra by TheResurrectionist (@frownyalfred)

A hilarious and poignant look at the batcape’s debut through the eyes of Alfred Pennyworth

Batcat

Catch and Release by winterkill

A super hot 2022 batcat fic to warm you in the winter chill

I'll Bring You Sparrows by AnonymousMink

Bruce makes Selina a new costume, things get E rated from there

Bruce-centric

Oh Man Oh My Oh Me by whaleofatime (@cetaceans-pls)

Two Bruce Waynes show up at the same party, and Batman is thrown for a loop. Shenanigans ensue!

Damsel by @gement

um so this is possibly the most insanely hot fic I’ve ever read. Bruce has Issues and deals with them by hiring a guy to pretend to be Batman and have sex with him. yeah. it’s really good.

link to part two

[wedreamedlove]

The Depth of his Feelings - Evan Character Study

I am going to open this essay with a shocking sentence: Evan is an unreliable narrator.

One of the most magnetic traits Even has as a character is his resolve about his goals, even if it conflicts with his personal desires. This trait has led some people to misunderstand him and think he doesn't love the heroine until Chapter 17 and that he was just using her this entire time. Surprise! These two facts are not mutually exclusive, you can love and use someone at the same time.

(P.S. Every time I think about Evan's romance with his heroine, I think of Margaret Atwood's poem "A truth should exist, it should not be used like this. If I love you—is that a fact or a weapon?").

So, here I am going to tell you that Evan has been falling for the heroine ever since they first met and that it's just his ability to be stunningly ruthless (to his enemies and to himself) that created the "tragedy" of Chapter 16.

First though, I will prove that Evan is an unreliable narrator.

[SSR Illusionary Light - 11 Years Ago Late Autumn TRAJECTORY]

Evan: Every time I come to see you, it always seems to be raining. Evan: I heard it was also a thunderstorm the night I was born. Evan: That Guang Qi City had never experienced such a large storm for many, many years. Evan: At the time, you were alone in the hospital. You must have been very scared. Evan: Later, I often wonder whether or not this counts as a sign from God, that in fact I shouldn't have been born. Evan: That way we would have all been a little freer, and I wouldn't owe you anything. Evan: You wouldn't have had to suffer in silence and you could have left this household unencumbered, returning to who you were before. Evan: Your life would surely have been much better than now. Evan: I saw your past photos and many of them had smiles. Evan: It's a shame I never saw you smile. Evan: I know, you actually never loved me much, most of it was out of responsibility. Evan: I could see it. Evan: But you were the person who treated me best in that household. Evan: ... Mama, even now you must still hate me, right? Evan: All these years and you've never once come into my dreams. Evan: If that day I didn't insist on playing in the back courtyard, would this incident not have happened? Evan: I knew the path was icy, that it was very slippery and unsafe. Evan: Why does fate love to play with people? A person who doesn't want to live can always avoid death, while a person who wants to live ends up dead. Evan: It would have been best for everyone if the person who had drowned was me, right? I'm really not afraid.

At 15 years old, we see that Evan has been under the impression that his mother never loved him. This belief continues to the present and you can see it whenever he talks about his past or thinks about the concept of love. However, in Chapter 14, we are given another perspective.

[CHAPTER 14-5]

Letter: "Little Lang, I'm very sorry for how many creases this letter has." Letter: "My son has been very interested in origami recently and every paper in the house has suffered his ravage." Letter: "He's especially skilled at folding animals, so I asked him to fold a robin to be sent with this letter." Letter: "He knows I like to stay in my room and set the finished paper bird on the windowsill outside before leaving. Before I knew it, he's already grown this tall." Letter: "These are all irrelevant words. Thank you for your concern in the last letter, I'm living very well and I hope that you and my son will always be healthy and safe." The date was earlier than Evan's letter just now and the letter was signed by Robin. This was a past reply! Maybe too much time had passed, because I could no longer feel the emotions attached to it. But a gentle smile still appeared before my eyes, along with a woman who couldn't help but write these words as she watched her child do handcrafts below her windowsill. Did Evan not see that there was this reply? I stopped walking.

In truth, his mother did love him... it's just that things are complicated, such as how her relationship with Evan's dad deteriorated and how she forced a young Evan to practice the cello until his fingers bled or that she cared more about helping the innocent children caught up in the Eclipse Project over protecting her own son from the Blood Clan.

So, now that we know Evan can be an unreliable narrator, it makes his perspective on things untrustworthy.

[CHAPTER 16-13]

You knew it didn't belong to you, so you couldn't lose it. Relationships in this world were supposed to be like this. It was just that, when he took great pains to create a wound to keep her or perhaps even earlier, starting the day he tested her, the relationship between them had changed. Their so-called tacit understanding, coincidences, tears, forgiveness, concern, and trust... all of these were exchanged with lies. Evan turned around and directly pressed the button for the elevator. Just earlier, he nearly lost this weapon. He knew very well that if he didn't do this then she definitely wouldn't stay. Evan couldn't help but sigh emotionally at his superb acting. In that moment of hugging, persuasion to stay, comfort, heartache, jealousy, and interrogation, his body reacted before his brain as if he had really entered that scene. He even felt a faint pain in his chest. She had clearly been deceived, but she only cried and took a light revenge on him. Why didn't she hate him? Why did she still want to help him when she was tricked? Evan thought blankly. She ought to hate him. After being hurt so many times, she ought to know how to guard against him or ask him what he wanted. However, when she opened her bright eyes and took the initiative to say honestly that there was no reason, she just wanted to help him, Evan was at a loss. He even wanted to reach out and cover her eyes with his hand. He felt panicked for no reason, like his darkness and malice had been exposed bare without anywhere to hide.

Honestly, I think this scene in and of itself shows how much he is deceiving himself about his feelings. However, he has to harden his heart so that he can carry out his plan to use the heroine as a weapon to destroy the family head.

[CHAPTER 16 - EPISODE 2 IMPRESSIONS Scales of the Heart]

【1】 There was no moon tonight. Lu Castle stood quietly in the darkness, like a proud and silent shadow. Evan rejected Zhou Yan's offer to follow and walked into the castle alone. He didn't bother to maintain his gentleness of the past and ignored the bowing servants on both sides. His only goal was that man who had disappeared behind the truth. The dusty door to the study had not been opened for a long time and fine dust floated in the air. In the dim light, Evan was momentarily seized with terror but he soon reacted and turned his wrist slightly. The heavy thud of the closed door blocked all of the prying gazes behind him. Behind the large, black walnut desk was a heavy bookshelf that spanned the entire wall and was filled with all kinds of books accumulated over the years, many of which contained the history and secrets of the Blood Clan. Evan inspected this study. Without pausing for long, he walked over and took out the first book with a blank cover. He only had a short time to find what he wanted. Because, after two weeks, he had to present the most suitable vessel. 【2】 In the cold and silent study, only the sound of pages turning could be heard. "It's not this either..." Evan set down the file in his hand again. On it was his father's handwriting, which he was all too familiar with. A long time had passed and reason told him that those people may have noticed his actions, but he still relentlessly searched for evidence—was she a "god"? Evan lowered his eyes, concealing a hint of fatigue. His confrontation with Lu Ting had turned intense and the matter he had looked forward to had a new opportunity. His brain clearly knew what he should do, but a trace of hesitation appeared in his heart. He had forgotten this sort of emotion after his first trial. He searched for that evidence almost unconsciously, but he was uncertain if he truly wanted to obtain that answer. He just kept on repeating this futile action. His longstanding goal, the end of his longing; he had searched and planned for this for a long time and he had anticipated everything he needed to abandon on this road a long time ago. However, when this moment finally came, he found himself hesitating. 【3】 In the past, Evan had imagined it countless times. What was the deepest seabed like? It was lonely and dark, without a ray of light, and there was no way to convey sound, like a prison with no structure. And what was the end of the Blood Clan like? Perhaps it was the opposite of that, a void of nothingness. This bloody and sinful race would greet an eternal sleep in the void. They would have no reincarnation, no future, they would not be recorded in history, and they would be completely forgotten at the end. Recalling the savage and imbecilic arrogance of the Blood Clan controlled by desires, Evan let out a soft sneer from his throat. He knew that there were many eyes watching him, Lu Ting, his grandfather, and the clan. They were expecting him to succeed or perhaps they were expecting him to make a mistake. But he was no longer the child he was back then, and his plan could finally be started. It was just that the girl needed to be used as the most important chip. The scales of fate treated every person who experienced time fairly; to seize something meant losing something at the same time. 【4】 "If she really is a god..." The light in the study flickered for a moment and was caught by Evan's eyes, but the depths of his eyes were still a patch of darkness. He couldn't help but consider this possibility, and many of his guesses were confirmed. Or perhaps the day he tested her with a phantasmagoria, his subconscious had already made a judgment. "What do they think I'm going to do?" That he would do his best to prove the girl did not have the power of a god and could not be used as a vessel for the family head, thus exposing that his relationship with her was close, so much so that he would disregard the highest interests of his race? It was a shame they guessed wrong. If she was a god, then his plan would only become smoother. He would teach her how to use that power—this was also what he wanted to find in the archives—make her become his sharpest blade, and then give her to the family head as a "bomb" that would detonate in desperation. However, when he made this decision, his original thought still lingered—it would be great if he really couldn't find that evidence, he could lie to himself and he could still... send her home as usual. 【5】 Finally, Evan found a secret file in a corner of the bookshelf. He flipped it open. The paper was already yellow and it revealed to him the secret that had been concealed for many years—gods were once experiments of the Blood Clan and his father wrote many coded words about the power of the gods. The scales of his heart swung violently because of this secret. On one side of the scale was his longstanding obsession, on the other side was his already wavering feelings. He knew this opportunity was the chance of a lifetime and, if he missed it, it might be difficult to wait until the next time. He couldn't allow nor accept such a failure. The folder fell on the table and papers scattered in a mess. Evan took off the glasses set on the bridge of his nose and walked to the window. There was no moon in the sky outside, only twinkling stars that watched everything under the sky. To them, the obsessions and various turns and chapters of the world were nothing but insignificant moments. At this inopportune time, he wondered what the girl was doing right now. Was she worrying about the heavy work these days, or was she celebrating her success at this stage? Evan hesitated for a moment and then was silent for a long time. Finally, the scale still crashed to one side. His pale and stern face was reflected on the dark window and he withdrew his eyes, his expression turning cold. There had always been only one path he walked: by all means, without fear of sacrifice. Therefore, at least in this moment, and maybe only in this moment, he wanted to make this sort of choice.

First, I have to gush about this passage because it is one of my favorite impressions. It almost breaks the 4th wall, because among the eyes that are watching Evan's actions are ours, the readers, and we think we know the answer because this is an otome game and he is a male lead, except Evan takes this to the brink of no return. The repercussions of his actions, depicted later in the game, only cement the weight of the decision he makes here. He is so ruthless!

However, if there are still doubts about his feelings (despite how obvious his inner conflict has been depicted) then his actions later should thoroughly convince everyone of his feelings because:

After giving the heroine to the family head as a bomb, Evan was 0.1cm away from achieving his lifelong goal, except he turns back to save the heroine, thus exposing himself to all his enemies;

Evan, who could have killed the family head and Lu Ting, missed his opportunity because Lu Ting distracted him with the heroine's safety and now Lu Ting is stronger than ever after consuming the family head's soul; and

Warson is experiencing a financial crisis, thanks to Lu Ting manipulating the stocks, but Evan takes the risk in allowing the heroine to keep her fashion project under the brand Pristine instead of moving it to a more reliable brand for profit, an action that goes against what the chairman of Warson should do to maximize profits.

Now, look me in the eye and tell me that Evan is not horribly in love with the heroine, because he is making things endlessly hard on himself by making all these mistakes and concessions for her. This man is absolutely wrecked by love.

Shifting gears, but it's intriguing that Evan and the heroine share a commonality in how they were very close to their maternal grandmothers, one of the few people that showed them unconditional love. In Chapter 16, Zhou Yan comments on how the heroine reminds him of a younger Evan, because they both have a gentle exterior but they are opinionated and, once they set their eyes on a goal, they will achieve it no matter what. Evan believes they are similar because they both became tools.

However, my opinion is that both Evan and the heroine are too soft for their own good. Evan chides the heroine many times in his mind about how she's better off without him, but honestly the same can be said for him because he never considers his own safety when it comes to her either.

[CHAPTER 17-5]

Matters had come to this point, but why did she still not hate him? She should hate him after being tormented like this. Evan: Have you never thought about yourself? Evan: You should wish for something to happen to me, not worry about my safety. Evan: You're not eating properly or sleeping properly. You're disobedient, and you never learn.

[SSR Enticing Feast DATE]

Everything had been arranged to let her see his true self. That vile, contemptible, hypocritical, and brutal self. It was best for her to hate him. The farther away she was, the safer. So, when he saw her rejecting him with natural fear and dread on her face, he only felt happy.

But Evan and the heroine are helplessly drawn to each other and I once wrote an essay about how their relationship can be summarized "Like Moths to Flames". I'm actually going to revisit this topic again because the Light and Night writers have added a lot more onto this imagery.

In my opinion, while it isn't a golden rule in stories with traditional gothic vampires, a lot of creators like to explore the aspect of how these creatures—so closely linked to death but are immortal—long for some kind of oblivion. The ultimate romance for them is something that ends in their own ruin and death.

Now, look at these exhibits below, and see how Evan's feelings for the heroine also flirts with death.

[Serene Forest Night EVENT]

Did four-legged animals use less energy when they walked? My thoughts flew to the skies and I pestered Evan, asking him, if you can turn into an animal, what will you choose? Evan looked around and a moth happened to pass in front of us. He pointed at it casually and said, I'll be a moth then. Honestly, he must be joking.

[SSR Illusionary Light - 14 Years Ago Summer TRAJECTORY]

The second thing I lost was a mechanical pocket watch. I couldn't sleep the night after I threw it into the fireplace. The wind whistled outside and I felt my temples throb again and again, much like the tempo of that watch. That night I felt that I was about to become a pocket watch, a heinous one that would lead people astray and had to suffer abuse. I wanted to be it, I wanted to be it so badly. From the moment it broke free from my hand and threw itself eagerly into the face of the raging flames, I saw a kind of inspiration that put me to shame.

[CHAPTER 16-13]

Suddenly, a small figure appeared in front of my eyes. It was a skinny boy and he knelt in front of a fireplace that burned vividly like a fiery sunset. A few wooden blocks hit him all of a sudden and the boy picked them up without a word, throwing them into the fire silently. The flames leapt, just like the light in a pupil. The scene ended. I couldn't see the boy's face, but somehow I felt that it was familiar.

[CHAPTER 16-15]

These days I couldn't help but think of the scene I saw when I touched it that day. That must have been Evan's past. I didn't know why he threw those wooden blocks into the fireplace. Later, I tried to touch it again but I still couldn't see the cause, I could only see his hands gripping the hem of his clothes tightly. I even had the misconception that he wanted to throw himself into those raging flames.

[CHAPTER 16-15]

He suddenly thought sorrowfully that, if she were to open her eyes in this moment, would she find that he was this unfamiliar to begin with? The person that you admired, that you cared about, that you forgave, was actually not him. Meanwhile, because he acted as that person, he lost himself in the act. He was too close. The girl's breath hit his face and it was very hot. It made him recall the firelight of the fireplace which had also once thrown itself onto his face like this many years ago. Time stood still in this inopportune moment and he was startled by the sudden surge of desire in his body. Evan straightened up and made himself cool down quickly. Desire turned to disappointment and stuffed his chest full. Don't get any closer, he told himself. Don't get any closer.

[CHAPTER 17-5]

Evan closed his eyes. He had carried out countless plans but this was the only time where he didn't know whether it was a success or a failure. Originally, he had only wanted to hide her that day and confess everything to her after the crisis was dealt with. It didn't matter even if she hated him, as long as she didn't leave again. He would rather be entangled to the bitter end than be strangers who owed nothing to each other. This wasn't right, but he wanted to do this and so he did. He had never been as loyal to his heart as he was then, truly and genuinely fighting for something for once. However, matters developed to this point and escaped his control a long time ago. In that case, she should just... hate him to the end then. It was better than being strangers.

In conclusion, I honestly think it's impossible to say that Evan was simply using the heroine until he caught feelings for her Chapter 16 and onwards. He's been attracted to someone who can so easily be his ruin since the very beginning and every step he's taken since has been him struggling with his goal and personal desires.

(P.S. Did you catch how I named this essay the depth of his feelings because of the homonym between "depth" and "death"? Haha, I'm sorry for the terrible joke.)

Lastly, I will end this essay with this scene about how hard Evan wishes to tie himself to the heroine, even after death.

[SR Butterfly Kiss On Top]

[MC]: Evan, if there was a day I left this world, will I also become a butterfly? Evan was slightly startled and the fingers that held my palm gradually closed in. Evan: What kind of butterfly do you wish to become? [MC]: Hmm... I've thought about it and, never mind, I don't really want to be a butterfly. I pulled Evan to jog a few steps forward and the light that spilled through the tree branches fluctuated. [MC]: I'll become sunlight! Then I can shine on the person I want to shine on. [MC]: When I land on him, he'll be able to feel my remaining warmth. I swung Evan's hand and sheepishly stuck out my tongue. [MC]: Does it sound a little weird? But Evan lowered his eyes, which contained a smile. Evan: Not at all. [MC]: What about you then? What do you want to become? He thought for a while, looking over my shoulder at the ray of light on the low wall. Evan: Dust, I suppose. [MC]: Oh? Why do you want to become dust? I stopped involuntarily and Evan raised his hand, combing my hair that had been tangled by the breeze. Evan: Dust is often difficult for people to detect, only when it's in the sunlight can you see its floating motes. Evan: I don't care whether or not I can be seen by others— Evan: Because it's only when you perceive me that my existence has meaning.

[tarotphil]

hey robin i just took your totally normal dnp uquiz and i need you to drop your poetry recs cuz what in the hell?? does choices killed me!!!

- @astrophilip

may!! hi, tysm :)) totally normal uquiz for normal people. I can ABSOLUTELY drop some poetry recs

Mary Oliver is my favourite forever and ever. the “new and selected poems” collection is very good, it has one about her dog that makes me want to weep. (It’s called Her Grave if you’re interested)

Marie Howe to me is like. The peak of a “conversational” poet. What The Living Do changed my brain chemistry

Margaret Atwood is an absolute powerhouse of a woman. some highlights of my favourites from her, I Was Reading A Scientific Article, variations on the word sleep, variations on the word love, and ofc A Boat

Sav Brown!!! I can probably credit her with getting me into poetry. both her poetry collections, Sweet Dark (<3333) and closer baby closer have been made available for free online. you can also see some of Sav’s stuff on YouTube

Rhiannon McGavin,,,, she’s never not hurt me. I’ve never got my hands on an actual collection by her, but here’s a good one I found floating on tumblr

Kiki Petrosino! I love her “Eater” poems, which I can’t find any links for, but if you can track them down, do give them a read!

this is Rudy Francisco doing a diabolical mashup of some of his love poems from Helium, an incredible collection in its own right

I used to do speech competitions in high school, and Shane Koyzcan is a goldmine for that. The Crickets Have Athritis is seared into my mind forever

[moremaybank]

MY LOVES… ᥫ᭡

nathan scott, pacey witter, jj maybank, rafe cameron, ryan atwood, seth cohen, sandy cohen, logan huntzberger, jess mariano, conrad fisher, phil dunphy, damon salvatore, klaus mikaelson, kol mikaelson, kai parker, steve harrington, eddie munson, nate archibald, harvey specter, mark sloan, alex karev, anthony bridgerton, benedict bridgerton, king george iii

brooke davis, haley james scott, olivia baker, layla keating, rebekah mikaelson, hayley marshall, cami o’connell, bonnie bennett, star davis, alexandra crane, simone davis, santana lopez, robin buckley, lorelai gilmore, sarah cameron, blair waldorf, donna paulsen, lexie grey, cristina yang, meredith grey, hanna marin, spencer hastings, mariana adams foster, kathani sharma