#meta of light and night

[wedreamedlove]

To Live In A World - Light & Night Group Essay

Light and Night has an 18+ rating in China but, in my opinion, it's not for sexually suggestive scenes, it's for the topics they bring up that only individuals with solid worldviews can appreciate and discuss. One topic that comes up again and again is how an individual lives in the world: what makes someone choose to leave and what makes someone keep going?

Out of the 5 male leads in Light and Night, Sariel, Evan, and Osborn have tried to kill themselves. Charlie cannot even conceive of the idea of suicide, but he also discusses this topic and has his own coping methods to deal with suffering. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Jesse has the standard response that he can't give up on everything because of his responsibilities, his attachments, and his loved ones [SSR Prairie Fire DATE].

Trigger warning for discussions about suicide. Spoilers up to Chapter 19 and Charlie's 2023 birthday.

[SSR Escaping Into Dusk DATE]

Evan: "Do you know how to meet a mermaid?" His tone sounded like he was asking someone a question, but also like he was simply telling the opening of a story. Evan: "You have to swim to the bottom of the ocean—there it will turn pitch-black and blue skies will become a memory." Evan: "When you lie down in that silence and decide to become a part of it, mermaids will appear." Evan: "If your love is sincere and pure enough, they will accept you and take you away forever."

This story comes from The Big Blue and, in the context of Evan's date, refers to committing suicide. I think it's only fitting to start this essay with this haunting metaphor, and this also happens to be one of the times Evan tried to commit suicide during the period of his life when he enjoyed freediving.

TO LIVE IS TO SUFFER—

Since Evan opened this essay, we'll continue to talk about him. First, to understand what could drive someone to commit suicide, I will summarize Evan's background. He was born into a caring nuclear family that quickly disintegrated and so, at the tender age of 5, he lost the love and protection of both parents. Right after that, he was forced to go through the brutal training all Blood Clan members go through, such as survival training in the woods and the indoctrination of their superiority.

[SSR Secrets in the Shade DATE]

Evan: Yes, it was when I was a child and driven into the woods for the first time. Evan: I witnessed wild beasts hunting and escaped from the mouth of a snake. I felt that the forest was full of dangers and only wished to get out of there quickly. Evan: And, just when I was hungry and exhausted, I saw a bamboo mushroom. Evan: At the time, I didn't know what it was and whether or not it was poisonous. I looked at it and thought hopelessly that I might as well pluck it and eat it, and resign myself to my fate.

[SSR Illusionary Light - 14 Years Ago Fall TRAJECTORY]

I felt my pulse beating, ba-dump, ba-dump—and so I aimed the screwdriver at it and stabbed down hard. The second the blood spurted out I heard the sound of my soul drilling out too. It cheered and sang for the freedom and sunlight it waited for so long. I was a bit happy, because I discovered that my heavy body was gradually turning light. That feeling of being able to fly even without wings was addictive. The smell of blood was a strong fragrance and when it dripped onto the mud it even blossomed as a vivid flower. [...] This time no one would be able to stop my footsteps. When the blood ran out, I would be free.

[SSR Against One's Heart - 11 Years Ago Spring TRAJECTORY]

Whenever my body was spread open to be seasoned, I always prayed in my heart for rot to come. I think I would greet it with extraordinary calm and even a small smile. Of course, I would allow myself to retain a bit of sadness and this would be my last reverence and friendliness to life. I held this thought until the first spot of mold appeared on my body—I meant the fresh and still bleeding bowl-sized wound in my chest, large enough that my heart could almost fall out. There was no moment closer to death than now, however a long-lost fear suddenly grew crazily in my body until, in the end, I was defeated. I watched myself stuff cotton balls into my body, along with all my obsessions and wickedness, and the blood stuck them together, forming a new piece of flesh of its own. If death happened to arrive at this moment, he would surely laugh at my hypocrisy and cowardice. Fortunately, the dense night outside the window stretched in front of me like train tracks and I could even hear his departing footsteps that were too lazy to step over those tracks.

The Blood Clan ground away his individuality, his sentimentality, and his attachments. In his 1st birthday [SSR Enticing Feast DATE], Evan explains that all members of the Blood Clan are brought up to have no affections for anything but family. He couldn't be picky about his food, he could only read books that were approved, and his pet rabbit was killed. To make matters worse, Evan is also the black sheep of the Blood Clan. He cannot bring himself to be like them with their cruelty, arrogance, and depravity. He shares their instincts but he instinctively rebels against it and questions all of the Blood Clan values.

Can someone even be considered to be "living" in this existence? It's no wonder Evan doesn't think there's anything to keep him in this world, because he grew up without even knowing who "he" is as a person.

Despite all this though, Evan did manage to find a way to reconcile his self-destructive impulses. However, this answer is going to be left for the next section and, instead, we are going to move onto our next male lead who suffered, Osborn.

Much like Evan, Osborn was also born to a loving family that disintegrated, starting with his father leaving and ending with his mother's multiple attempts to abandon him before she finally succeeded. Once that happened, Osborn had no more attachments to this world and thought about how easy it would be for him to disappear without anyone noticing or caring. He grew up with this fear of being abandoned again and so was afraid to get close to anyone. This self-isolation was only exacerbated by the prejudice of people around him, who saw him as a juvenile offender, and made no attempts to understand him.

[SSR The 400 Blows TRAJECTORY - 14 Years Ago Early Spring]

I look forward, beyond anything else, to the moment I kill myself. At least this proves that, at the very end, before the world abandons me, I severed my relationship with it first.

[SSR The 400 Blows TRAJECTORY - 8 Years Ago Early Summer]

After waking up, he climbed to the edge of the rooftop and looked at the rusty red marks on the concrete floor that couldn't be washed away, like they were a silent accusation. So long as he jumped, he could escape everything. Will anyone grieve for me? Will anyone care about my death? Osborn blankly thought.

[SSR Free Fall TRAJECTORY - 6 Years Ago Early Winter]

He suddenly raised his hand and slashed at his own neck hard. However, the biting pain didn't bring a sense of relief. Instead, it hurt more.

[SSR Free Fall TRAJECTORY - 4 Years Ago Early Winter]

All my classmates had jumped and kept hurrying me. The waves grew larger and larger and I realized I really would die if I didn't jump. But there was an instant where I seriously had the idea of giving up. I thought about leaving things like this, because to me this had never been an act to survive but instead a punishment.

Freedom is a double-edged sword. In protecting himself by keeping others at a distance and not getting attached, Osborn had also walled himself off from the world. It was all too easy for him to be indifferent and flippant with his own life because he cherished nothing and believed that no one cherished him.

However, as we all know, people (and animals) did get under Osborn's defenses and became family members he took under his wing and who ended up binding him to this world. He also discovered his own way of reconciling with the world, which we will talk about in the next section.

The last suicidal man was Sariel. Unlike the others (except for Jesse), Sariel was born to a loving family and there were no tragedies in his childhood. Instead, it was the trauma of war in his early adulthood that brought him to despair. On the battlefield, he saw the cycle of hatred and revenge, what humans do at the extremes of desperation (cannibalism), massacred a village, and ultimately ended the life of someone he loved with his own hands. Everyone he knew and loved passed away, either due to circumstances or the long passage of time, and after fulfilling all of their leftover wishes he himself was left with nothing of his own but crushing survivor's guilt.

[SSR Meeting Spring FILM REEL - Undead Nightmare]

Sariel lay on the shore of the lake and it was unclear whether it was lake water or tears on his face. Sariel: Yet another failure. After that, Sariel tried countless times more. Since his talent would save him, then he would try even more drastic methods. However, his talent followed him relentlessly like a curse. Cut veins would heal, torn off limbs would be restored, and even his heart could recover its function after being pierced by a long blade.

Not mentioned above is how, for his first attempt, Sariel jumped off a cliff and his body was practically pulverized or how, in the scene prior to the translation, he tied himself to a rock and sank into the bottom of a lake to drown. Unlike the other men, Sariel would have truly ended his life on multiple occasions if it weren't for his talent, but since he couldn't die he became an empty husk that wandered the world instead, attempting to drown out his pain in vices like gambling and wine.

So now, after seeing how some of the men in Light and Night hit absolute rock bottom in their lives, how did they pick themselves up and walk all the way to the present to stand before us?

—TO SURVIVE IS TO FIND MEANING IN THE SUFFERING (GORDON W. ALLPORT)

As I have been mentioning, all the men in Light and Night were able to come to terms with living in this world, although it's arguable how "healthy" their coping methods are. In this section, I will not be listing the men in the order I introduced them, but rather by my opinion on the worst-to-best coping methods the men demonstrate. Naturally, this is an incredibly personal opinion and you do not have to agree with me at all. In fact, discussion would be happily welcomed!

First, we have Evan.

[SSR Escaping Into Dusk DATE]

Evan: Actually, it can't be called liking it. It's just that I was once a little addicted to the feeling of freediving. Evan: In a turbid world without sound, color, or light. Evan: You toss aside every tool and means and rely only on the limits of what the human body can do... Evan: It's true the pain brought on by this method is inevitable, but the freedom of the soul gained from this is very captivating. Evan: You will genuinely experience and truly reach your inherent limitations as a human being. Evan: And, in this process, you can also expand the limit of your boundaries bit by bit as much as possible. MC: It sounds like it's nearly walking on the edge of death. Evan: More or less. But it's certainly attractive, isn't it?

[SSR Secrets in the Shade DATE]

MC: When you're feeling down or that things are difficult, just fantasize about the wonderful life you'll have after achieving your goals. [...] Evan: After I achieve my goals? Evan: At that time, perhaps nothing will be important anymore.

There are two parts to Evan's reconciliation with the world. First, as I brought up in my essay "The Depth of his Feelings", I believe the way Evan flirts with death is a homage to traditional vampire literature and their attraction to their own death, but I also think this is a natural act of those who are suicidal and lost as a person. Owing to the Blood Clan, Evan questioned himself and his perception of the world, but nothing is quicker at grounding someone to this world than the undeniable physical sensation of their body's primal instinct to survive.

Second, Evan ended up becoming indifferent to death. Even though I'm mentioning Evan first for "unhealthy" coping methods, it's mostly directed at his near-death outlets, and I actually appreciate his acceptance of death. On that note, there isn't a contradiction here because, even if his body emotionally wants to survive, he has intellectually made peace with death.

Evan's view on death reminds me a lot of the Stoic ideal of the good death. The Stoics do not believe that death is anything to fear because everything comes to an end and, in fact, they believe that suicide is a choice and amoral. The door is always open to you if you choose to leave; the only caveat is that you must consider your circumstances seriously and make your decision logically and not on a rash and impulsive decision. For Evan, he calmly accepts death after he achieves his goal (of wiping out the Blood Clan) because, to him, his life would be complete and there would be nothing more for him in this world. It would be a good death. Evan's acceptance of his own death can also be seen in his 2nd anniversary card [SSR Yesterday's Elegy TRAJECTORY].

Alright, we've seen how Evan reconciled with the world, so now we're going to move onto Charlie.

[SSR To the Oracle DATE]

Charlie: Fiancée, freedom exists. Charlie: It's pain and sacrifice that let him feel the value of existence. [...] Because that person who treats pain as feeling the world and touches the weight of freedom is Charlie too. [...] Charlie: But they can't stop themselves from interacting with others. MC: Why do they have to be so persistent... Charlie: Because they still have hope for this world.

[SSR Solar Flare DATE]

Charlie: I cried terribly when I learned that he would never come back. Charlie: But when I grew up I gradually understood that maybe he had already decided to say goodbye to this world. Charlie: So long as people live they will get hurt. No one knows how much pain the seemingly optimistic and cheery people around them have endured alone. Charlie: Time couldn't heal his wounds and so he gave up on saving himself. I could hear the conflict in his heart. He was someone who clearly valued life a lot and always spared no effort in saving every single person. How many similar things had he gone through, how many helpless moments had he experienced, and how had he carried all of this to this day to stand in front of me... I had no way of imagining it. I could only hold his hand tightly to let him know that I was trying to understand how he felt. Charlie: The look in Myron's eyes before he was lifted into the ambulance made me feel that everything I had done just now might have been meaningless. Charlie: But I will still choose to save them. I can't explain why, maybe it's an instinct.

Like I mentioned, Charlie cannot even conceive of the idea of committing suicide but, ironically, he experiences the world through suffering. As a phoenix, he innately loves the world and its people, and that's why the injustices and despair in the world hurt him so much. So, how does he find an outlet for this pain?

[SSR Perpetual Journey Home TRAJECTORY - New Era 44 Late Autumn]

Charlie clenched his fist, making the tense veins in his arms and wrists bulge out before they submerged into his palm. His flat nails nearly dug hard enough into his skin to bleed. Only then did I suddenly notice that his broad palm was covered with crescent-shaped scars that curved in the same direction. The protruding white marks were old, but it was obvious they were quickly covered with new purple marks before they faded. MC: ... Don't hurt yourself. I placed my fingers on the tips of his fingers and tried to pry them away. But Charlie didn't loosen his hand. He bent his knuckles so hard that it seemed as if he was biting the skin of his palm painfully. And that pain actually entered my body through this touch. MC: Charlie, let go! I heard my own urgent voice, as well as the imaginary quiet sound of flesh being separated. His fingernails dug into his palm, which slowly began to turn red. MC: Charlie, I don't understand... I shook my head, tears staining my cheeks. I didn't understand why he had to torture himself like this. Or— I did understand, but I could only use this common logic to persuade him to stop harming himself. The glaring redness of his palm filled my mind like the shallows of a sea. I smiled bitterly. Wasn't pain just another way of breathing?

[SSR Under the Stigmata DATE]

He walked to my side and sat down, watching quietly as the boy turned back to plucking his black feathers, as if he had seen this done countless times. In a daze, I saw Charlie sitting there in a firefighter's uniform, his face covered with smoke and dust. And every time the boy plucked a feather, his expression that was on the verge of a breakdown softened a little, as if that action could relieve his pain. I also saw Charlie, wearing a white coat and looking exhausted. He sat there blankly, his hands still shaking slightly. I recognized this action, it meant that he had just completed a long operation. They all had the same contentment of pain on their faces. It dawned on me that this place, this house, might have been built by his father originally, and Charlie had also once destroyed it. But in the present, Charlie had built all of this by himself, brick by brick. Here, he overlooked the pain of his past, again and again, gaining the power to rebuild himself from it. I thought about how he found a way to use this pain, but this didn't mean that this pain no longer existed and I didn't want to see any Charlie trapped in it.

This is how Charlie reconciles with the world and his powerlessness. It reminds me of these tweets about trashed bathrooms and how, when people have no control over their life or environment, they will want to assert control over the small part of their environment that they still have the power to affect. In this case, what can you always affect? Yourself. In a way, this is somewhat similar to how Evan paces on the border of life and death, because not only does it make him feel alive but it also gives him control.

For Charlie, there are so many things that he cannot control in the world, especially other people's decision to take their own lives. He also lives under the extraordinary pressure and control of his father, who has been trying to mould Charlie into his perfect heir (and a god to rule this world?). By hurting himself, Charlie can be assured that he is still in control of his own life and his own decisions and this gives him the strength to pick himself up again and again, among all this suffering, to try and help more people.

You can probably see why I don't rate Charlie's method that highly either, because I don't advocate self-harm, haha. Next, after having seen Charlie's method, we move onto Sariel.

[SSR Seeing the Spring FILM REEL - The Mayfly]

Sariel (Phantom): Everything has a conclusion that you have no choice but to accept, regardless of whether it goes against your heart or not, or whether it hurts you or not. Sariel (Phantom): When this pain is too heavy, it's better to forget it than to confront it bruised and bloody. Sariel (Phantom): Living on relies not on redemption or reconciliation, but on forgetting. Sariel: Did you survive to that time just by forgetting? Sariel (Phantom): Yes. Sariel (Phantom): Rather than letting regret and pain erode your heart into an empty husk, it's better to forget everything. Sariel (Phantom): Live on, Sariel. Someone is waiting for you in the future.

As we saw earlier, Sariel would have succeeded in committing suicide if it weren't for his talent. This is why his coping method is to forget the weight of his pain before it drives him mad and turns him into something else. In this dialogue between himself, Sariel does question whether forgetting is just another way of escaping his pain, much like drinking; but, in my opinion, it's a valid choice to set aside the pain when you cannot handle it in the moment. Sariel sealed his power and memories away but, now that he has you to support him, he's unsealed his power and memories and has the strength to look back on his past and come to terms with everything with a less despairing outlook.

Lastly, we come to Osborn who, in my personal opinion, has the healthiest mindset.

[SSR Free Fall TRAJECTORY - 1 Year Ago Midsummer]

To be honest, I was disappointed in that moment. It was no different from any other rainbow that appeared somewhere after the rain. It was very beautiful, and very ordinary. The end of the rainbow was in fact just the end of the rainbow, and it was only my imagination of it that idealized it. But I still stared at it for a long time, until I found that the disappointment wasn't that terrible either. Because the world didn't care at all whether or not I was disappointed. Even if I never set foot on the road again because of this, the world wouldn't use anything I longed for to urge me to stay. After understanding this, I suddenly no longer gritted my teeth and fumed about disappointment. Because I discovered I had other things that could transcend disappointment: people who were willing to take risks with me when I took risks, and people who could understand my emotions that weren't understood.

The world being indifferent is supposed to be comforting, because it means that setbacks and disappointments aren't targeting you in particular. Successes are because of your own efforts and failures are because there were more uncontrollable elements than there were things you could affect.

Osborn internalizes this message and I believe it explains why he's such an active person. He has no expectations for the world and thus cannot be harmed by it any longer. He no longer needs to feel like he did in his childhood, about abandoning the world before it abandons him first. He managed to turn his independence from the world, which used to make him feel isolated, into one of his greatest strengths and it's also because he now has personal connections that bind him to the world by choice.

For my headings, I used a quote by Gordon Allport but, to be honest, I prefer the old Buddhist saying that "pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional" and, in my opinion, it reflects Osborn's perspective and why I, personally, think he has the healthiest relationship with the world. It's inevitable that there will be times when things don't go smoothly in your life and that you'll experience (physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual) pain, but it's your choice on whether to suffer during this period or not. Suffering is optional means you should realize the impermanence of this pain and if you can accept when things are out of your control, manage your expectations, and understand that whatever the world does externally to you does not affect your core as a person, then you will realize there are actually a lot of things you can overcome and that you need not dwell on them.

In the end, Light and Night is a game about hope and all the characters are growing, hopefully including the players who are following all of these characters in their journey. I also really like how the game doesn't affix one theme to one character, but instead approaches a theme from multiple angles through all the characters because, in this case, there is no right or wrong answer on how to live a life in this world. But, hopefully, seeing how hard these characters struggle to keep living can also provide some courage to those who are struggling and searching for their own path.

[secriden]

So I wonder if the wardrobe department is intentionally going to bleed color into Fadel’s wardrobe as Style gets more and more under his skin.

In episode 1 he’s entirely in black (or black and red in the diner), but we open episode 2 with Fadel being in yellow (and black, but still).

I mean we also have the literal baring of his chest (heart) in the sauna/locker room scenes, but if clothes are to be taken as an allegory for armour, the bleeding of more colour into Fadel’s wardrobe would be a nice touch.

It’s also interesting how he goes back to being in all black after this point but has his arms bared (which visually ties him with Style) specifically in all the scenes where he is privately most affected by Style (the gym and bedroom scenes).

The wardrobe choices until now very much feel intentional and well thought, so if this is what they’re doing I just think it’d be really neat!

[kafkasapartment]

Edward Hopper en el museo, Washington DC, 2007. Yolanda Andrade. Archival pigment print.

The original Nighthawks painting is in the permanent collection of the Art Institute of Chicago.

[the-northern-continent]

A fun headcanon is to read Solas as an on-the-clock pride spirit first, everything else second.

Provoking people into defending their heritage and choices, because even when they disagree (especially when they disagree), someone leaves the conversation more prideful than before. Cavorting around for 10 years leaving eluvians unlocked, villain monologuing, and being Generally Menacing™️ because even if he gets stopped, he’ll be stopped by people who take pride in modern Thedas. Equating contentment to death, until Varric reframes it as fighting against the world’s attempts to take it away.*

If we think of pride spirits as personally prideful, it’s a bit like viewing sloth spirits as personally slothful. It may be situationally true, but it can mask their attempts to make YOU more prideful.

*Solas is not the only one coming out of that conversation with a change in perspective; go ask the viscount of Kirkwall.

[kerryweaverlesbian]

God I'm suddenly thinking about Jack's pov of Castiel because Cas wasn't there for the Box thing, and the entirety of the Destiel Divorce happened while Jack was dead. He has absolutely no way to know that Cas even argued in his favour. He comes back and Cas takes him back to the Bunker and he and Dean are still friends. And it's still important to placate him and humans. And it's still important to mask how inhuman you are. Last time Jack saw Dean he was about to shoot him in the head in cold blood.

[bat-snake]

Just kinda. Noticed that both the Sunfire Elves and Celestial Elves have purification rituals that remove dark magic.

The differences being that the Sunfire elves (as far as we've seen) appear to use it forcibly by exposure to the sun - after already using light in a different place to "expose true character", as they do to Viren. Janai seems to expect it to roast him down to nothing.

But the Celestial Elves offer Callum the chance to, voluntarily, cleanse himself of Dark Magic, and at most offer guidance for a journey that is his own once he sets off.

[gayofthefae]

A classic, old stand by. Mike and El consistently kiss and have romantic moments at night.

And their platonic

Or negative moments are in the morning

Whereas Mike and Will consistently have positive or romantic moments in the morning

With their only night ones being either negative for their relationship or goodbyes/something final (knowing or unknowing)

Also shoutout to the shed scene which I just realized is done at night despite being romantic because it is their last moment like that before El gets back!

Also makes me wonder about the ily2 scene, which takes place in the morning, and if that is, rather, emphasizing the fact that it's the first scene in the plotline of Mike's inability to say he loves her. That would make sense as, though it's played as romantic, we now know that it is starting a big plotline for the following season.

(If you're confused, mornings = new beginnings, night = endings is one of the oldest tricks in the book. So mornings is what will be their future and nights is what is/needs to come to a close. It's near universal, if not universal)

A great, direct example of this is also simply Mike saying goodbye to El at night and then staying up at the hospital to say hello to Will in the morning in 1x08. Establishes this really clearly for the audience.

Also, of course, can't talk about lighting without bringing up...

In general, seasons are typically ended in the morning with hints and lead-ins to the future seasons - with Mike, this is consistently El. The one time it ends with El, the season ends at night.

[l1ght-n1ghts]

happy meta knight monday (I'm late) have a meta dragon

+Extra details below cut (mostly headcanons/elaboration on design)

The Galaxia emblem on his chest is fused to his skin. He got it when he became Galaxia’s Champion. This event also gave him the yellow details and eyes (prior he had white eyes)

Galaxia manifests herself via energy during battle. Ex. The mini sword on Meta’s tail can lengthen and become a proper sword, and he can get like energy claws

Yeah he has a magical girl transformation to put all his armor on. Ain’t no way he’s putting all of that on as a dragon. Thanks Galaxia! He can take his mask off himself though

The Dimensional Cape is now… DIMENSIONAL WINGS! They can be activated for storage or teleportation. Prior to acquiring the cape, his wings were smaller and he didn’t have the yellow accent on his wings

Puffballs (Astrals, puffs, whatever you call Kirby’s species) gradually grow to look similar to the people they surround themselves with. While Meta is old enough that being around his friends won’t significantly change his appearance (such as going from fur to feathers) his fur length and color does change due to being around his friends :)

Along this same vein, Galaxia and the dimensional cape can be seen as copy-ability… like? Except unlike Kirby, these items can’t be spat back out. They’ve become a part of him

He is a bat/cat combo. To me. Sleeps upside down, purrs, etc.

Yes he has whiskers. Yes he wears a mask all of the time. Yes the whiskers being constantly against the mask overstimulates the FUCK outta him. He’s so ready to snap at any moment

He can see in the dark! He also has such bright eye-shine in the dark that his eyes just look pure white

When he sits, he wraps his wings around his front like he does with his cape in canon.

His teeth, except his canines, are retractable! His claws are not retractable.

[thefreshprinceofjunes]

reading about kh3 gameplay mechanics on the khwiki (cuz i didnt do shit fuck with 99% of them when i played it) and like

the shotlock for oblivion is called ‘dawn eclipse’ in japanese, while oathkeepers is ‘sunset bright’

and i realized

kairi is associated with sunsets, which in kh (and in real life) are symbolic of endings

while riku is associated with dawn/sunrises, which are symbolic of new beginnings

also, dawn eclipse? like the dawn being eclipsed by something?

and sunset meaning the loss of (day)light, while sunrise means the return?

[thelonelybrilliance]

ok you know what I'm going to be a little reckless on the dash. Friday Night Lights subverted tropes it thought it was playing straight, and that only contributed to its timeless power. Landry Clarke was the holier-than-thou-nerd-who-gets-the-girl self-insert (Pete Berg my Eye is on you) who actually is one of the most sinister and entitled "Nice Guy" prototypes I've ever seen on the screen. He insinuates his way into Tyra's life despite her evident lack of interest and actual repulsion. He schemes and plans for ways to get close to her, and when she's recovering from the trauma of an attempted rape he actively incorporates her need for protection into his approach to ingratiating himself with her. When he kills her assailant (lol the infamous s2 "Murder" plotline) he equates his role to the David-Bathsheba-Uriah dynamic in the Bible, aka the king lusting after the most beautiful woman and killing her husband to get him out of the way. (Newsflash bud you didn't kill her HUSBAND and thus get RIGHTS to her, you KILLED THE MAN WHO ASSAULTED HER.)

Anyway, Landry decenters Tyra in her own experience through manipulation, condescension, and outright shaming. By killing her assailant he doesn't rescue her, he further limits her ability to seek help and healing, while constantly negging her for her complex feelings of panic, fear, rage, and relief. His feelings always take precedence. He willingly accepts her sleeping with him as recompense. Whenever she shrinks away from him thereafter, he shames her for not wanting to be with the "good guy." Literally ONE EPISODE after the attempted assault on Tyra, when she reconnects with Tim (platonically, as a trusted, if complex figure from her entire past life--aka someone who actually knows her, unlike Landry), he denigrates Tim's intelligence and character, all but slut-shaming Tyra for wanting to rekindle that friendship. Mind you, Tyra is not dating Landry at this time and in fact shows zero romantic interest in him until after he kills her assailant, which begs the question of how genuine her interest actually was. Their entire "relationship" over the course of s2 and s3 includes Tyra being the one to have to feel guilty and uncomfortable whenever her interests and desires do not align with what Landry wants. This is/was popularly seen in the fandom as Tyra "using" him. There is literally an episode of the show called "The Giving Tree" in which we are supposed to believe that Landry helping Tyra do homework etc is equivalent to the little boy destroying the tree for his own selfish ends. Meanwhile, Landry has had his eye on her since mid-season 1 with the most gross teen-boy-fantasy mindset imaginable, and there is actually no canonical basis to support them getting together had it not been for Tyra undergoing a string of deeply traumatic events. One of Landry's first physical overtures (which she does not appear to pick up on as romantic) occurs when he is staying in her empty house with her becuase she is afraid her would-be rapist is about to return. Landry literally calls Matt for advice on how to subtly initiate physical content, i.e., how to cop a feel on this traumatized girl who has only invited you in to protect her against another assault. On more than one occasion Landry jealously squares off against other men Tyra is interested in, often embarrassing her, or gives another girl attention only to drop her when he thinks he has another chance with Tyra. These behaviors were not cast negatively by the show. At the time (early 2000s), it was likely written as a nerd wish-fulfillment power fantasy that treated Tyra as a conquest, something to be earned, something that was obviously a "hot commodity" (as Landry's own father, a cop, implies to her face). Tyra is constrained by men's objectification, even while she resists her mother's and sister's even more sexualized paths. Tyra is seen as a bad girl, a temptation, a siren-song--but Landry himself does everything he can to ensure she can't get away from him.

And then? She does. Call it actors having other commitments, call it a change in the show's core arcs, call it what you want, but Tyra gets away. Through her own hard-won work, relying not solely on his assistance but also on her own experience, her own life, and her own wits, Tyra gets into college and makes a clean break from Dillon and specifically Landry. Until she returns in Season 5 (to reunite with Tim, the actual love of her life and her true narrative parallel, but that's for another meta), she has avoided Dillon and outright ghosted Landry (~deserved~). Despite being judged, scolded, abandoned, and pressed by almost everyone in her life, she forges her own path and doesn't offer continuing "compensation" to the Nice Guy(TM) just because she was beautiful and sexualized and once had the nerve to resist him. I genuinely don't believe the show intended to write such a commentary on the unfair stakes a girl in Tyra's position takes, but damn it made for a rich text.

[wedreamedlove]

The Depth of his Feelings - Evan Character Study

I am going to open this essay with a shocking sentence: Evan is an unreliable narrator.

One of the most magnetic traits Even has as a character is his resolve about his goals, even if it conflicts with his personal desires. This trait has led some people to misunderstand him and think he doesn't love the heroine until Chapter 17 and that he was just using her this entire time. Surprise! These two facts are not mutually exclusive, you can love and use someone at the same time.

(P.S. Every time I think about Evan's romance with his heroine, I think of Margaret Atwood's poem "A truth should exist, it should not be used like this. If I love you—is that a fact or a weapon?").

So, here I am going to tell you that Evan has been falling for the heroine ever since they first met and that it's just his ability to be stunningly ruthless (to his enemies and to himself) that created the "tragedy" of Chapter 16.

First though, I will prove that Evan is an unreliable narrator.

[SSR Illusionary Light - 11 Years Ago Late Autumn TRAJECTORY]

Evan: Every time I come to see you, it always seems to be raining. Evan: I heard it was also a thunderstorm the night I was born. Evan: That Guang Qi City had never experienced such a large storm for many, many years. Evan: At the time, you were alone in the hospital. You must have been very scared. Evan: Later, I often wonder whether or not this counts as a sign from God, that in fact I shouldn't have been born. Evan: That way we would have all been a little freer, and I wouldn't owe you anything. Evan: You wouldn't have had to suffer in silence and you could have left this household unencumbered, returning to who you were before. Evan: Your life would surely have been much better than now. Evan: I saw your past photos and many of them had smiles. Evan: It's a shame I never saw you smile. Evan: I know, you actually never loved me much, most of it was out of responsibility. Evan: I could see it. Evan: But you were the person who treated me best in that household. Evan: ... Mama, even now you must still hate me, right? Evan: All these years and you've never once come into my dreams. Evan: If that day I didn't insist on playing in the back courtyard, would this incident not have happened? Evan: I knew the path was icy, that it was very slippery and unsafe. Evan: Why does fate love to play with people? A person who doesn't want to live can always avoid death, while a person who wants to live ends up dead. Evan: It would have been best for everyone if the person who had drowned was me, right? I'm really not afraid.

At 15 years old, we see that Evan has been under the impression that his mother never loved him. This belief continues to the present and you can see it whenever he talks about his past or thinks about the concept of love. However, in Chapter 14, we are given another perspective.

[CHAPTER 14-5]

Letter: "Little Lang, I'm very sorry for how many creases this letter has." Letter: "My son has been very interested in origami recently and every paper in the house has suffered his ravage." Letter: "He's especially skilled at folding animals, so I asked him to fold a robin to be sent with this letter." Letter: "He knows I like to stay in my room and set the finished paper bird on the windowsill outside before leaving. Before I knew it, he's already grown this tall." Letter: "These are all irrelevant words. Thank you for your concern in the last letter, I'm living very well and I hope that you and my son will always be healthy and safe." The date was earlier than Evan's letter just now and the letter was signed by Robin. This was a past reply! Maybe too much time had passed, because I could no longer feel the emotions attached to it. But a gentle smile still appeared before my eyes, along with a woman who couldn't help but write these words as she watched her child do handcrafts below her windowsill. Did Evan not see that there was this reply? I stopped walking.

In truth, his mother did love him... it's just that things are complicated, such as how her relationship with Evan's dad deteriorated and how she forced a young Evan to practice the cello until his fingers bled or that she cared more about helping the innocent children caught up in the Eclipse Project over protecting her own son from the Blood Clan.

So, now that we know Evan can be an unreliable narrator, it makes his perspective on things untrustworthy.

[CHAPTER 16-13]

You knew it didn't belong to you, so you couldn't lose it. Relationships in this world were supposed to be like this. It was just that, when he took great pains to create a wound to keep her or perhaps even earlier, starting the day he tested her, the relationship between them had changed. Their so-called tacit understanding, coincidences, tears, forgiveness, concern, and trust... all of these were exchanged with lies. Evan turned around and directly pressed the button for the elevator. Just earlier, he nearly lost this weapon. He knew very well that if he didn't do this then she definitely wouldn't stay. Evan couldn't help but sigh emotionally at his superb acting. In that moment of hugging, persuasion to stay, comfort, heartache, jealousy, and interrogation, his body reacted before his brain as if he had really entered that scene. He even felt a faint pain in his chest. She had clearly been deceived, but she only cried and took a light revenge on him. Why didn't she hate him? Why did she still want to help him when she was tricked? Evan thought blankly. She ought to hate him. After being hurt so many times, she ought to know how to guard against him or ask him what he wanted. However, when she opened her bright eyes and took the initiative to say honestly that there was no reason, she just wanted to help him, Evan was at a loss. He even wanted to reach out and cover her eyes with his hand. He felt panicked for no reason, like his darkness and malice had been exposed bare without anywhere to hide.

Honestly, I think this scene in and of itself shows how much he is deceiving himself about his feelings. However, he has to harden his heart so that he can carry out his plan to use the heroine as a weapon to destroy the family head.

[CHAPTER 16 - EPISODE 2 IMPRESSIONS Scales of the Heart]

【1】 There was no moon tonight. Lu Castle stood quietly in the darkness, like a proud and silent shadow. Evan rejected Zhou Yan's offer to follow and walked into the castle alone. He didn't bother to maintain his gentleness of the past and ignored the bowing servants on both sides. His only goal was that man who had disappeared behind the truth. The dusty door to the study had not been opened for a long time and fine dust floated in the air. In the dim light, Evan was momentarily seized with terror but he soon reacted and turned his wrist slightly. The heavy thud of the closed door blocked all of the prying gazes behind him. Behind the large, black walnut desk was a heavy bookshelf that spanned the entire wall and was filled with all kinds of books accumulated over the years, many of which contained the history and secrets of the Blood Clan. Evan inspected this study. Without pausing for long, he walked over and took out the first book with a blank cover. He only had a short time to find what he wanted. Because, after two weeks, he had to present the most suitable vessel. 【2】 In the cold and silent study, only the sound of pages turning could be heard. "It's not this either..." Evan set down the file in his hand again. On it was his father's handwriting, which he was all too familiar with. A long time had passed and reason told him that those people may have noticed his actions, but he still relentlessly searched for evidence—was she a "god"? Evan lowered his eyes, concealing a hint of fatigue. His confrontation with Lu Ting had turned intense and the matter he had looked forward to had a new opportunity. His brain clearly knew what he should do, but a trace of hesitation appeared in his heart. He had forgotten this sort of emotion after his first trial. He searched for that evidence almost unconsciously, but he was uncertain if he truly wanted to obtain that answer. He just kept on repeating this futile action. His longstanding goal, the end of his longing; he had searched and planned for this for a long time and he had anticipated everything he needed to abandon on this road a long time ago. However, when this moment finally came, he found himself hesitating. 【3】 In the past, Evan had imagined it countless times. What was the deepest seabed like? It was lonely and dark, without a ray of light, and there was no way to convey sound, like a prison with no structure. And what was the end of the Blood Clan like? Perhaps it was the opposite of that, a void of nothingness. This bloody and sinful race would greet an eternal sleep in the void. They would have no reincarnation, no future, they would not be recorded in history, and they would be completely forgotten at the end. Recalling the savage and imbecilic arrogance of the Blood Clan controlled by desires, Evan let out a soft sneer from his throat. He knew that there were many eyes watching him, Lu Ting, his grandfather, and the clan. They were expecting him to succeed or perhaps they were expecting him to make a mistake. But he was no longer the child he was back then, and his plan could finally be started. It was just that the girl needed to be used as the most important chip. The scales of fate treated every person who experienced time fairly; to seize something meant losing something at the same time. 【4】 "If she really is a god..." The light in the study flickered for a moment and was caught by Evan's eyes, but the depths of his eyes were still a patch of darkness. He couldn't help but consider this possibility, and many of his guesses were confirmed. Or perhaps the day he tested her with a phantasmagoria, his subconscious had already made a judgment. "What do they think I'm going to do?" That he would do his best to prove the girl did not have the power of a god and could not be used as a vessel for the family head, thus exposing that his relationship with her was close, so much so that he would disregard the highest interests of his race? It was a shame they guessed wrong. If she was a god, then his plan would only become smoother. He would teach her how to use that power—this was also what he wanted to find in the archives—make her become his sharpest blade, and then give her to the family head as a "bomb" that would detonate in desperation. However, when he made this decision, his original thought still lingered—it would be great if he really couldn't find that evidence, he could lie to himself and he could still... send her home as usual. 【5】 Finally, Evan found a secret file in a corner of the bookshelf. He flipped it open. The paper was already yellow and it revealed to him the secret that had been concealed for many years—gods were once experiments of the Blood Clan and his father wrote many coded words about the power of the gods. The scales of his heart swung violently because of this secret. On one side of the scale was his longstanding obsession, on the other side was his already wavering feelings. He knew this opportunity was the chance of a lifetime and, if he missed it, it might be difficult to wait until the next time. He couldn't allow nor accept such a failure. The folder fell on the table and papers scattered in a mess. Evan took off the glasses set on the bridge of his nose and walked to the window. There was no moon in the sky outside, only twinkling stars that watched everything under the sky. To them, the obsessions and various turns and chapters of the world were nothing but insignificant moments. At this inopportune time, he wondered what the girl was doing right now. Was she worrying about the heavy work these days, or was she celebrating her success at this stage? Evan hesitated for a moment and then was silent for a long time. Finally, the scale still crashed to one side. His pale and stern face was reflected on the dark window and he withdrew his eyes, his expression turning cold. There had always been only one path he walked: by all means, without fear of sacrifice. Therefore, at least in this moment, and maybe only in this moment, he wanted to make this sort of choice.

First, I have to gush about this passage because it is one of my favorite impressions. It almost breaks the 4th wall, because among the eyes that are watching Evan's actions are ours, the readers, and we think we know the answer because this is an otome game and he is a male lead, except Evan takes this to the brink of no return. The repercussions of his actions, depicted later in the game, only cement the weight of the decision he makes here. He is so ruthless!

However, if there are still doubts about his feelings (despite how obvious his inner conflict has been depicted) then his actions later should thoroughly convince everyone of his feelings because:

After giving the heroine to the family head as a bomb, Evan was 0.1cm away from achieving his lifelong goal, except he turns back to save the heroine, thus exposing himself to all his enemies;

Evan, who could have killed the family head and Lu Ting, missed his opportunity because Lu Ting distracted him with the heroine's safety and now Lu Ting is stronger than ever after consuming the family head's soul; and

Warson is experiencing a financial crisis, thanks to Lu Ting manipulating the stocks, but Evan takes the risk in allowing the heroine to keep her fashion project under the brand Pristine instead of moving it to a more reliable brand for profit, an action that goes against what the chairman of Warson should do to maximize profits.

Now, look me in the eye and tell me that Evan is not horribly in love with the heroine, because he is making things endlessly hard on himself by making all these mistakes and concessions for her. This man is absolutely wrecked by love.

Shifting gears, but it's intriguing that Evan and the heroine share a commonality in how they were very close to their maternal grandmothers, one of the few people that showed them unconditional love. In Chapter 16, Zhou Yan comments on how the heroine reminds him of a younger Evan, because they both have a gentle exterior but they are opinionated and, once they set their eyes on a goal, they will achieve it no matter what. Evan believes they are similar because they both became tools.

However, my opinion is that both Evan and the heroine are too soft for their own good. Evan chides the heroine many times in his mind about how she's better off without him, but honestly the same can be said for him because he never considers his own safety when it comes to her either.

[CHAPTER 17-5]

Matters had come to this point, but why did she still not hate him? She should hate him after being tormented like this. Evan: Have you never thought about yourself? Evan: You should wish for something to happen to me, not worry about my safety. Evan: You're not eating properly or sleeping properly. You're disobedient, and you never learn.

[SSR Enticing Feast DATE]

Everything had been arranged to let her see his true self. That vile, contemptible, hypocritical, and brutal self. It was best for her to hate him. The farther away she was, the safer. So, when he saw her rejecting him with natural fear and dread on her face, he only felt happy.

But Evan and the heroine are helplessly drawn to each other and I once wrote an essay about how their relationship can be summarized "Like Moths to Flames". I'm actually going to revisit this topic again because the Light and Night writers have added a lot more onto this imagery.

In my opinion, while it isn't a golden rule in stories with traditional gothic vampires, a lot of creators like to explore the aspect of how these creatures—so closely linked to death but are immortal—long for some kind of oblivion. The ultimate romance for them is something that ends in their own ruin and death.

Now, look at these exhibits below, and see how Evan's feelings for the heroine also flirts with death.

[Serene Forest Night EVENT]

Did four-legged animals use less energy when they walked? My thoughts flew to the skies and I pestered Evan, asking him, if you can turn into an animal, what will you choose? Evan looked around and a moth happened to pass in front of us. He pointed at it casually and said, I'll be a moth then. Honestly, he must be joking.

[SSR Illusionary Light - 14 Years Ago Summer TRAJECTORY]

The second thing I lost was a mechanical pocket watch. I couldn't sleep the night after I threw it into the fireplace. The wind whistled outside and I felt my temples throb again and again, much like the tempo of that watch. That night I felt that I was about to become a pocket watch, a heinous one that would lead people astray and had to suffer abuse. I wanted to be it, I wanted to be it so badly. From the moment it broke free from my hand and threw itself eagerly into the face of the raging flames, I saw a kind of inspiration that put me to shame.

[CHAPTER 16-13]

Suddenly, a small figure appeared in front of my eyes. It was a skinny boy and he knelt in front of a fireplace that burned vividly like a fiery sunset. A few wooden blocks hit him all of a sudden and the boy picked them up without a word, throwing them into the fire silently. The flames leapt, just like the light in a pupil. The scene ended. I couldn't see the boy's face, but somehow I felt that it was familiar.

[CHAPTER 16-15]

These days I couldn't help but think of the scene I saw when I touched it that day. That must have been Evan's past. I didn't know why he threw those wooden blocks into the fireplace. Later, I tried to touch it again but I still couldn't see the cause, I could only see his hands gripping the hem of his clothes tightly. I even had the misconception that he wanted to throw himself into those raging flames.

[CHAPTER 16-15]

He suddenly thought sorrowfully that, if she were to open her eyes in this moment, would she find that he was this unfamiliar to begin with? The person that you admired, that you cared about, that you forgave, was actually not him. Meanwhile, because he acted as that person, he lost himself in the act. He was too close. The girl's breath hit his face and it was very hot. It made him recall the firelight of the fireplace which had also once thrown itself onto his face like this many years ago. Time stood still in this inopportune moment and he was startled by the sudden surge of desire in his body. Evan straightened up and made himself cool down quickly. Desire turned to disappointment and stuffed his chest full. Don't get any closer, he told himself. Don't get any closer.

[CHAPTER 17-5]

Evan closed his eyes. He had carried out countless plans but this was the only time where he didn't know whether it was a success or a failure. Originally, he had only wanted to hide her that day and confess everything to her after the crisis was dealt with. It didn't matter even if she hated him, as long as she didn't leave again. He would rather be entangled to the bitter end than be strangers who owed nothing to each other. This wasn't right, but he wanted to do this and so he did. He had never been as loyal to his heart as he was then, truly and genuinely fighting for something for once. However, matters developed to this point and escaped his control a long time ago. In that case, she should just... hate him to the end then. It was better than being strangers.

In conclusion, I honestly think it's impossible to say that Evan was simply using the heroine until he caught feelings for her Chapter 16 and onwards. He's been attracted to someone who can so easily be his ruin since the very beginning and every step he's taken since has been him struggling with his goal and personal desires.

(P.S. Did you catch how I named this essay the depth of his feelings because of the homonym between "depth" and "death"? Haha, I'm sorry for the terrible joke.)

Lastly, I will end this essay with this scene about how hard Evan wishes to tie himself to the heroine, even after death.

[SR Butterfly Kiss On Top]

[MC]: Evan, if there was a day I left this world, will I also become a butterfly? Evan was slightly startled and the fingers that held my palm gradually closed in. Evan: What kind of butterfly do you wish to become? [MC]: Hmm... I've thought about it and, never mind, I don't really want to be a butterfly. I pulled Evan to jog a few steps forward and the light that spilled through the tree branches fluctuated. [MC]: I'll become sunlight! Then I can shine on the person I want to shine on. [MC]: When I land on him, he'll be able to feel my remaining warmth. I swung Evan's hand and sheepishly stuck out my tongue. [MC]: Does it sound a little weird? But Evan lowered his eyes, which contained a smile. Evan: Not at all. [MC]: What about you then? What do you want to become? He thought for a while, looking over my shoulder at the ray of light on the low wall. Evan: Dust, I suppose. [MC]: Oh? Why do you want to become dust? I stopped involuntarily and Evan raised his hand, combing my hair that had been tangled by the breeze. Evan: Dust is often difficult for people to detect, only when it's in the sunlight can you see its floating motes. Evan: I don't care whether or not I can be seen by others— Evan: Because it's only when you perceive me that my existence has meaning.

[greatrunner]

Working Mamas on Television in the 2000s

Watching Friday Night Lights (from 2006), and, holy shit, I forgot there was this weird period in time when television husband/wife shows (adjacent or centered) always had this weird ass plot where the wife had to hedge around the conversation of getting a job, instead of letting the husband be the only person working.

Hedge around it and then fight with the husband about it. Like, I'm actively remembering how much of a thing this used to be in media, especially in sitcoms (where the expectation was making fun of the wife for trying to get into the workforce).

It was even a significant point in Medium (starring Patricia Arquette and Jake Weber), which debuted a year earlier in 2005. Allison DuBois went to law school but was effectively a stay-at-home Mom until she started having visions about crimes. Then, she worked as a paid consultant for the Arizona PD.

In either case, neither husband really puts up a fight (I think the writers knew that would just make them look bad), but I'm screaming. Ma'am, get you a job and tell your husband to cry in his beer about having to do more than pick the kids up from school.

Sorry, I'm realizing why the trad wife movement is the way that it is. It was some element of this weird expectation of asking your husband permission to make money and get a job of your own outside of child-rearing.

[cto10121]

Me: *sits up in bed at 3 am, bloodshot* Romeo and Juliet literally met at a masquerade ball, which means they would have worn masks, which means they fell in love with each other without seeing each other’s full face, which means their love is not even based on just looks, which means the R&J-is-based-on-lust anti clowns are even dumber than I thought

[twstunes]

if you're wondering why i seem to always be looking at the TWST backgrounds, simply do not worry about it. anyway Take My Hand we're walking through NRC again bc i noticed more stuff

An unusual recurrence in the main school building is the presence of plant aesthetics in the lighting structures.

The most conspicuous example of this would be the giant chandelier in the cafeteria. According to Crowley, the chandelier is a magical artifact that was created specifically for the school, and it was installed during the original construction. Its candles are meant to burn forever and are fueled by a magestone somewhere in its structure.

(All of this info about the chandelier seems to just be flavor to advance the plot. Billion-thaumark artifact or not, Crowley's tune changes fast when Deuce begs for a way to not be expelled for breaking it.)

In addition to the chandelier, the standing candelabras around the cafeteria also have a distinctly branch-like style to them.

Similarly, in the hallways and stairwells, we can see a chandelier and multiple standing candelabras with bramble- or vine-like designs.

Notably, the plant look and dangling bits are characteristics that can also be found in Pomefiore. Admittedly, I'd been hoping to find something along these lines; since Pomefiore was the first dorm at NRC, it only makes sense that the school would feature design choices that reflect this.

However. These same characteristics are also present in Diasomnia. I've shied away from using event backgrounds like the birthday lounge designs, but it's worth noting that plants are central enough to Diasomnia's aesthetic that they're featured prominently in the dorm's birthday decorations. Though Pomefiore's birthday decor features flowers, it's only flowers—not the stems, leaves, branches, etc.

The library presents an equally intriguing rabbit hole: the chandeliers seen in our view of it are specifically of the style unique to Diasomnia. Presumably, their shape is meant to invoke the image of that infamous spinning wheel.

The fact most lights in NRC are bright green can be chalked up to Disney notoriously using green lighting to convey villainy, to the point it spawned the acronym EVIL: Every Villain Is Lime. This doesn't make the connection to Diasomnia any less conspicuous, of course…especially when the main colors used in the school are green and purple, both of which are heavily associated with Maleficent.

Though Pomefiore was the first established dorm at the school in-canon, it'd be reasonable to assume that Diasomnia was the first dorm designed irl, and that its aesthetics permeate the school as a result.

However. I'm still on that "Crowley is Levan" train and don't think he would hesitate to alter the school to lean more Diasomnia in appearance—or just outright design it as such. After all, Crowley has been headmage for a very long time, and we don't exactly hear about anyone fulfilling the role before him.

…also, that chandelier in Crowley's office looks awfully familiar 🤔

[every-sanji]

[crazypreparedd]

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