#rewatching s1. and after that I’m probably going to rewatch it again.

[divorceblogger]

very invested in how lumon is explicitly described as a company that has a foothold in the medical field, initially established as a manufacturer of medicines right around the time the concept of the modern pharmaceutical industry started taking shape in the 19th century, and its products/services are floated as the sale of medical equipment and health & wellness to its customers. they facilitated the development of the surgical procedure for severance and use psychological tactics to keep their workers in line. after helly r attempts suicide, her orientation into her new situation on the severed floor is framed as a patient’s admission into a psychiatric facility - objects that can be used to inflict bodily harm on herself are locked away, which offers continued commentary on her consistent lack of access to self determination and bodily autonomy. mark s commits to the procedure anticipating that it’ll allow him to better deal with his grief.

this goes hand in hand with their forays into research - the services that macrodata refinement render are directly in service of keir’s vision of automating the human condition (re: keir’s theory that unique ratios of the tempers - dread, malice, frolic, woe - make up different people). the concepts of natural selection preceded, and eugenics was developed, within keir’s lifetime during the 19th century. also thinking about how emotional regulation goes hand in hand with shaping the perfect worker - health and wellness are once again emphasised when it attempts to corral its wayward workers; but these concepts are relative, and constructed in the corporate’s interest. they’ve also constructed company towns for their workers where, for all intents and purposes, they hold a significant amount of power over the bodies housed at their expense. where do you draw a line on the work-life balance issue when the corporate world has entered your home and your body?

[scribbly-artist]

Calling it a Night

Summary: You and Viktor have been working late at the lab. But you’re concerned for his health after all these late nighters. You’ll pull him away from his work desk by any means necessary.

Author’s Notes: I let the Arcane brain rot win lmao. Season 2 was dope, I’ve rewatched S1 and I’m making my way through S2 again. I looked up some tickle content for Arcane, and while there isn’t a whole lot, I got sucked in, hard. So he is a little ler!reader fic featuring my favourite inventor/scientist, Viktor. :)

He was a little bit difficult to write for, but after rewatching the show I think I could portray him a little bit accurately. Apologises if not.

*I have written a sequel! If you like this one, here is part two.

Warning: a tickle fic. If you’re not into that, I’d advise not reading.

Words: ~1,400 | AO3 Link

The weight of your head felt like a boulder as you awoke from sleep. You weren’t even sure when you gracefully passed out on your work desk, papers strewn about messily. You swiped at your mouth with the back of your hand, letting out a yawn as you reached up to rub your eyes. Your back felt so stiff, probably from leaning over on the desk. You arched your back as you cracked it. You continued to lift your head in this drowsy state, your eyes looking at the tall, elegant windows. The sight shocked you.

The moon was high up in the sky amongst the stars. But why were you still here so late? Your gaze turned to the left as you shifted in your seat to witness your reason.

Because Viktor was still here, working away.

Both of you were doing some research in the laboratory. Both independent work, but you both enjoyed the pleasure of each other’s quiet company. You helped out Viktor when you could. Whether that be handing him a tool that was just out of reach, or to grab both of you a nice beverage or a snack so he didn’t have to grab his cane and hobble over to the kitchen nearby to do it himself. He apologised every time you went out of your way to do that in particular, but you didn’t mind. You liked caring for him and helping him out.

However, it was getting way too late at night. It looked like even Jayce had already left with no sign of him in the shared lab. You were no stranger to the late nights doing research and experiments - Viktor even more so - but you worried for Viktor’s health as he appeared more tired and pale lately.

You rose from your seat, pacing over to Viktor’s workbench. He didn’t seem to notice your presence behind him. He was heavily focused on carefully putting together a little machine. Something for Hextech, you assumed. You admired how delicately and calmly he could work. You placed a warm hand on his shoulder, making him jump, his head whipping around to look at you with his amber eyes.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you.” You spoke up, alarmed.

“It’s quite alright. Mm, I was just focusing and didn’t hear you get up.” He reached up to put his own hand on top of yours. “You must be tired - I could hear you snoring earlier.”

Your cheeks flushed at his comment. “We should really get going. The moon is already out, and it looks like it’s been for a while.” You gazed out the window.

“Just for a bit longer, it’s nearly complete.” He replied, his hand slipping away from yours as his head turned back to the pieces of metal in front of him.

“Viktor, I know you’re no stranger to all-nighters. But if you keep working, your body will shut down. You haven’t gotten a lot of rest lately,” Your mind wandered as you spoke. “I could see how tired your eyes looked. Surely you can finish this first thing tomorrow.” Your other hand joined his opposite shoulder, gliding your palms on top of them. He hummed at the touch. Maybe you could convince him to stop and leave with a bit of comfort. But he shook his head, his hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck.

“It is indeed tempting. And I appreciate your concern. But this will only take, eh, twenty more minutes or so.” His hands went back to work, picking up a screwdriver to carefully tighten a screw. You let out a sigh at his reply, leaning back on your heels, hands still on his shoulders. You pondered for a minute. If he can’t pull himself away from his work, you would have to do it by force. Literally.

“You’re so stubborn, you know that?” You pointed out as your hands slipped down from his shoulders to grip under his arms near his ribs. You felt his body jump at the touch as you attempted to physically pull him away from his desk. “If I have to pick you up like a toddler, I will.” Your hands slipped under his arms as you pulled some more. You got as far as lifting his elbows off the bench before you heard a noise leave his mouth.

“Hahaha— please, do not grab me there. Please, be patient. I won’t be much longer.” He steeled himself from laughing anymore than that, resting his elbows back on the table as he continued to work.

You heard his laugh and felt his body jump when you previously grabbed him. You started connecting the dots in your head, devising a plan.

Your hands dropped down from under his arms to his sides instead, dragging your fingers along the way. He jumped and twitched at the touch, stifling any noise before it left his mouth. “What was that laughing about, Viktor? Is something funny?”

He started to slowly catch on. “No, it was nothing of concern. Please, disregard it.” He was aware of your fingers being dangerously close to his sides. His body went stiff as a board.

“I think it was something else. And I think it’s our ticket out of here, Viktor.” You replied as your index fingers started to draw ticklish circles into his sides, his skin quivering under your touch.

He took in a breath, steeling himself. It was hard to concentrate and not react now that you’ve already started tickling him. But if he stayed calm, he could will himself to concentrate. He didn’t dare speak, as even replying to your comment would make his focus slip. He tried to distract himself by tinkering on his little machine, but even that was difficult.

You added more fingers as drawing circles turned into scribbling into his sides. A grin plastered itself on your face. You knew that if you kept going, he’d have to give in. You glanced over to view his arms, his elbows already shaking. It was taking every ounce of willpower within in to not turn around and grip your wandering hands by the wrists.

“You’re forcing my hand, Viktor. I’m doing this for your own good.” You warned as your hands slid up to his ribs, gently tickling between the bones through his vest.

Viktor’s body shook, his hands pausing but still gripping onto the machine and the screwdriver in his hands. He shut his eyes, leaning forward to try to get away from your touch. But your hands simply followed, pinching his ribs. He let out a laugh, he could no longer hold his reactions in.

“Pleahahahase, I j-just need to tighten some more screws— haha!” Quiet laughter escaped Viktor, his shoulders shaking. You couldn’t help but laugh alongside him, his sweet laughter you never got to hear often was quite contagious.

“Trust me; you can do it tomorrow. C’mon now, let’s go home.” You punctuated your sentence by quickly moving your hands to wiggle your fingers under his arms. Viktor let out a loud bout of laughter, quickly rising from his seat and grabbing ahold of your wrists, swiveling around on his heels. He met your smirking face.

“Alright, ohohokay, I believe you have made your point,” He stated, taking in a couple of breaths to rid of the residual laughter. “We will do some more tomorrow. Let’s go rest up, and maybe even have some tea?” He suggested as he let go of your wrists and shifted, grabbing his cane from off the side. You nodded as you started to leave with him, walking side by side.

“I’ll make us some chamomile tea when we get back. It’ll make us well rested and we’ll have lots of energy for more experiments tomorrow.” The rhythmic thump, thump, thump of his cane soothed you as you both walked together, matching his pace as to not leave him behind.

“Certainly. Mm, just before that though, so you’re aware. I’ll be getting you back tenfold for all of that.” As his words left his mouth, you thought you had misheard him. Your gaze darted to his face, a small but confident smile on his lips.

Uh oh.

You could feel a little bit of sweat collect on your forehead as your face turned red.

[whosthere54]

Ok ok ok Royal au Royal au ararararah

now to yap about my Royal au cause I’m normal. (Longer post- I just infodump about my AU basically-)

So what I have in drafts is all mainly brothers or prison duo centric, as if you know my fics I usually write from Icarus’s perspective on things. The main ships I would be focusing on are ghaae, nightingstar, Wolftross, and then prison duo- but I have cameos of all of the cannon ships of course. I’m gonna kind of just go through and explain roles of my main guys tho- so hope you like this as a sort of starting summary? I guess?

Icarus is the crown prince of the gilded kingdom. Basically the other full representative of the overworld who’s not Fable. Basically, they are heir to the throne, have to maintain a public image, help Fable out with royal duties and pretty much prepare to be the next monarch to ensure a smooth transition if “mortal king Fable” passes away. (He can’t die- I’ll get to that maybe- but yknow. God.)

I’ll talk about Isla and things later in this post, so I won’t mention it now- but yeah. Icarus is the only heir to the gilded kingdom.

Centross is Icarus’s bodyguard (yes I’m going down that road for the prison duo content. I’m so unpredictable /silly/sarc/lh) Royal guard? Close enough probably. Which- idk if I have to get into what he does. I think you can assume. Protection stuff. He was a former assassin, having used to work with Enderian. I’m doing a cliche maybe- but- yknow- he was sent to kill Icarus, ended up unable to do so… so now he’s a bodyguard for them instead of going back to Enderian. (There’s probably a promise of mutual protection somewhere- I’m sure Icarus would not have let Fable give them a bodyguard before then, and when he did they’d make it everyone’s problem- instead wanting to prove they could protect themself. There’s something there. Yeah.)

Wolftross is yes a thing, I think they were probably together for a while- maybe not long after he first became a royal guard. At Icarus’s request, he can visit Fenris whenever he wants probably. Easton replaces him when he’s gone (even after he became blind- at Icarus’s request he will continue that role. They trust him- and he’s capable.)

In the one thing I wrote, I gave him end features as well. I’m moreso debating on that- but I think it’d be a cool thing as a byproduct of being one of Enderian’s closest advisors and trusted assasin. Or- I give them to him later when he gets to be god. He gets them at some point- for me.

Rae is the crown prince of the end kingdom- full representative of the end that is not Enderian. I’d think she gives him more freedom than Icarus gets from fable, her being the end mother she is. She did have the same I guess cruel past that she does in cannon- I’m trying to figure out how I’m translating s1 into this AU still, and maybe you’ll get a oneshot of that eventually. Atleast the prison arc- of course. He left the gilded kingdom (either with Isla, or later on his own I have drafts for. But- probably with Isla) and lived with Isla for a bit- she runs for help from soul and things like in cannon and she helps hide them for a bit. Though- Isla ends up having Rae stay with Enderian. She probably stays as long as she can without compermising Rae’s safety, but maybe gets caught by Fable eventually.

Fenris is Rae’s bodyguard. He is a former general for the Nether’s army, just like in cannon. (I have to rewatch some of his lore before confidently talking about how he gets to become Rae’s bodyguard, so I’m sorry I won’t have too much info at the moment <3)

He becomes Rae’s bodyguard later- Enderian probably heard of his reputation as “the wolf” and hired him. (May try to include the wolf arc- but am again, trying to figure out how to integrate it.)

Now- basic plot summary? Something of the sort? Yeah. Some random details too cause I have no one train of thought ever and am just writing whatever I think of down. /lh

So for some backstory- Islas story is basically the same as in lore. But it changes for that bit after Rae was born just to adhere to the different circumstances Royal AU brings to the table. So, Rae grows a bit before Isla takes him and runs in this AU- he’s older, couldn’t tell you how old (age is a lie/silly/j) but just. A child. She notices how he’s being treated by Fable, takes him and leaves. She doesn’t take Icarus. There’s a lot of consideration for that fact- of course there is. Their her child. But- they’re not close, Fable makes sure of that. They spend most of their time with him, and their his heir after all. Their disappearance would be the worst to explain. So she doesn’t take them with her.

She takes Rae, and over the course of a few years- stays in a sort of safe house like in cannon, learns the things she does there, goes to soul for help, all that stuff. But she ends up taking Rae to Enderian, he becomes crown prince. She stays with them until it compromises Rae’s safety. Fable finds her, she doesn’t give away that she’d stayed with Enderian and that stays secret for a long time. Fable finds her, messes with her memories and things (he’s messed with Icarus’s too at this point- probably erasing Rae entirely) end she goes into a coma. He locks her away, Icarus doesn’t even know she’s here- and ends up having no memories of her anyways. Only fable knows where she’s locked away. Some tower in the castle sleeping beauty style probably.

Rae grows up in the end kingdom, Icarus grows up in the overworld.

Rae meets Caspian in the end prison- advocating for his freedom and things. He gets him a place in the end kingdom, and they get together at a peaceful festival in the overworld. That is an annual festival- Rae meets aax and takes her there too. He and Cas talk- and probably end up asking Aax out there too- making a whole day out of it probably. It’s a tradition for them, after all.

Aax lives with Cas, and Rae stays with them on weekends? Mayhaps? Something like that. He’s allowed to visit them whenever.

I like to think maybe Cas helps Athena and Bruin run the bakery on occasion. Bed and breakfast. Idk. Rae is definelty still the taste tester on Aax safe foods. And also a waiter on opening day for multiple reasons- one, it’s funny- two, yknow. Royal press. Media(?) purposes. Yknow what I mean hopefully.

Also- end kingdom I think had parts in the overworld and end? Like- overworld has the stronghold portal as the center and then made a kingdom around that, and then there’s an end part of the kingdom. This was probably a result of a peace treaty Isla had led years before between the realms after the war. Because badass mother deserves it. But to explain that- yeah. I think the Nether doesn’t- but has a trading hub spreading through portals and things. Yknow. Just not kingdom- I think the overworld is still more cold to people from the nether so. No kingdom. But portals can be made anywhere instead of having just one like the end, so that makes sense.

Gilded kingdom is just the biggest kingdom in the overworld areas we know- as Fable is the god of creation. I just have cool ideas for kingdom designs. May build them in Minecraft actually who knows- (if I do I will in fact post the pictures)

The Aether kingdom was a thing for souls and stuff as it was in cannon, but fell the same way. Alerion and Will live peacefully in one of the overworld kingdoms living normal lives away from everything, as they deserve.

A lot of the fable characters probably lives in the overworld, and just travel between realms.

Athena’s house probably has an area like his lab, where half is in the overworld and half is in the nether. If not, maybe their bed and breakfast- or atleast she has some nether bakery locations maybe with nether specific treats! Cause I think they deserve it and I just think it’d be cool.

Will has a cartographers shop in his village- like a cartographer villager type thing.

Rae has his archives he runs in his kingdom, there are two- one in the overworld part and one in the nether.

Starbarks definelty exists, does Fenris cannonly in this AU run all of the businesses he runs in actual cannon? Probably not. Do they exist? Probably.

Ven works as a close advisor for Fable, and Ari is hired as a knight or general of a sort for fable. Maybe more like a spy. Cat scratch records exist probably.

The world sisters do exist, most likely- (logistically if this was like a alternate “fable raises Icarus AU” they probably wouldn’t but I can do what I want and I say they’re here cause I love them- /silly)

Addie- Addie idk- maybe they work on like a night shift for the archives? Or like as an intern.

Ulysses- idk where to put Ulysses. Oh you silly fish man you. I will incorporate all the telchin stuff, definetly, I think just think of the cannon lore for that one.

Also- Quixis is there somewhere. Probably not in the same way for plot- but gotta include them in every au somehow /silly

Yeah. Royal AU. I’m eepy so I shut up- but hope you like my rambling ig idk-

I didn’t realize y’all enjoyed this au that much- I appreciate all the excitement about it /gen tehe <3

[vidavalor]

Hi! In your post earlier today discussing the importance of subplots, you said

“You might think a subplot about The Hellhound and The Ginger Cat learning to play nice and that they have a fuckton in common and should maybe bury the hatchet and just become eternal bffs already is filler but Crowley and Gabriel aligning is set up for the end game.”

and you included a gif of them looking out the window together while Crowley explains his plan to make Nina and Maggie “vavoom.” It reminded me of something that puzzled me on yesterday’s rewatch, and I thought maybe you might have written about it already or, if not, have some thoughts you could share.

We see multiple glimpses of Crowley and Jim/Gabriel in the bookshop while Aziraphale is away in Edinburgh. Crowley seems tolerant, even maybe friendly — certainly not afraid. Then, in the “smited? smote? smitten” scene, we see Crowley wary of returning to the bookshop because of the “amnesiac archangel hiding out” there. And, when he does go to “talk to” Gabriel/Jim at Aziraphale’s suggestion, he is clearly very angry.

I guess I’m wondering why we see Crowley go from initially suspicious (terrified) to seemingly unconcerned (willing to bond alone with Jim in the bookshop) to suspicious (angry) again. I’m not sure whether the important part here is the absence of suspicion in the middle or the return of suspicion nearer the end.

(On a side note, after countless rewatches, this is the first time I heard Crowley whistle at Aziraphale at the start of the smitten scene!)

I appreciate any thoughts you might have to share and I’m grateful for all your recent posts about the upcoming conclusion to this story. I’m glad that be getting one and thought your recent statement summed it up perfectly. “It's going to be very queer and very Pratchett and very good.”

Hi there, @killingmenotatallsoftly! Thanks for reading that meta, for the kind words & for the ask. 💕 I'd be happy to share some thoughts & you can see what you think. There is hot chocolate, of course, because there is nothing more appropriate for meta involving Gabriel and tough topics than that. *starts gathering marshmallows and other mix-in options*

I'm really glad you sent this question because I've seen some other people with similar confusion. I think I can help because Crowley's behavior, imho, is 150% a trauma-related thing. It's actually such a good portrayal of it that diving a bit on this fictional demon's issues might be helpful for some for better recognizing trauma-adjacent behavior with actual people in real life as well, which is why I wound up making this post a whole thing about how trauma informs a lot of Crowley's behavior. That is why it took a minute-- thank you for your patience! 😊

A deep dive under the cut below on how Crowley's PTSD is shown in his behavior, including in his response to Gabriel's presence in the bookshop, and what all of this has to do with his story arc around self-doubt.

TWs: PTSD; anxiety; rape; fire-related trauma... if Crowley's living with it, it's probably in here somewhere.

Crowley's up-and-down response to Gabriel in S2 actually doesn't have that all much to do with Gabriel himself. It has everything, though, to do with Crowley's own trauma-adjacent self-doubt issues.

When a person survives traumatic events, they are very often wired as a result of the trauma to become hyper-vigilant when it comes to their sense of personal safety. This is especially true of those who, like Crowley, have suffered violations to their bodily autonomy and those who, also like Crowley, have developed PTSD. This is related to the self-doubt issues, as we'll see.

One example of this self-doubt is given to us in S2 and that's the revelation that, since S1, Crowley-- a demon of Hell who can make fire with his body-- is now, as a result of the bookshop fire in S1, terrified of fire.

Fire has become a trigger for Crowley's PTSD to such an extent that Aziraphale, in an effort to help Crowley manage his anxiety over this, has replaced every candle in the bookshop with battery-operated ones and scattered fire extinguishers all over the shop. He's even replaced the tapers in the candelabra with LED battery-operated ones so they can continue their candlelit dinners, noticeable when he wields the candelabra like a sword during the bookshop attack.

Aziraphale has done this because the fire in S1 had so triggered Crowley's PTSD that he had been having trouble relaxing in the bookshop, which is the only place he has been able to go for the last few hundred years and be and feel truly safe.

Changing the lights to battery-powered and electric ones are an effort to reduce the likelihood of another fire and the fire extinguishers are there to help Crowley feel more in control. He needs to know that he can quickly and easily put out another fire, should one start. Aziraphale understands this and has been doing what he does best, which is try to help Crowley feel safe.

Crowley's continued trauma over the bookshop fire is also a great example of self-doubt, though, in the sense that he's in a period with his PTSD where it has worsened and, as a result, Crowley is afraid of something that his body is actually capable of making.

In other words: he's afraid of himself.

In S2, Crowley is having trouble overcoming self-doubt about his ability to assess a situation, which can be a very common element of PTSD.

It's not a new thing for Crowley but it was worsened by him watching in S1 as his safe space and the place he considers his home burnt down around him while he, more importantly, thought he had lost the only person he feels truly safe with-- the love of his life-- all at once.

So, why and how does Crowley doubt his ability to assess a situation?

What often happens as a result of being raped is that the person who was harmed feels as if it were their own mistakes that led them to be in a place to have been attacked and that, while the perpetrator is to blame for the assault, they themselves hold some blame for having been in a position where they were vulnerable to being hurt.

This is not true. The only person who holds blame here is the perpetrator and, intellectually, many survivors know that, but trauma response is emotional, not logical. Whether it's conscious, semi-conscious, or unconscious, one of the most difficult aspects to heal from for someone who has survived these kinds of horrors is often the feeling that they hold some blame for it.

Often, resulting behavior from this, though, is that the survivor is always worried on some level that there's something that they are missing that could impact their ability to accurately read a situation.

They are worried that they're going to miss something that puts them in a position to be hurt again in some way or that will endanger those they care about. After all, they think, if they once failed to judge the situation that got them so badly harmed, how can they trust themselves to be sure that they won't make a similar mistake again?

This causes them to react with an extreme sense of hypervigilance around safety that can often get a bit illogical at times, depending on the situation.

This all goes hand-in-hand with other trauma-related behavior we see in Crowley, especially his control-seeking behavior. To be clear: I am not saying controlling behavior, I am saying control-seeking behavior-- rituals and actions in everyday life that are about trying to regain through unrelated things the sense of self-control that was taken in the assault. Crowley's sunglasses, driving, obsessive cleaning, etc. are all examples of control-seeking behavior.

Everyone reacts differently to different forms of trauma but Crowley's story is using pretty much all the hallmarks of common struggles and behavior patterns in people who have been assaulted and who have developed rape-related PTSD and, at the same time, it has shown Satan assaulting him through non-consensual possession, emphasized that as allegorical for rape all over the story, and shown that it was not a new thing the first time we saw it in 1.01.

There is nothing funny about having suffered trauma but there can be some objectively funny aspects to trying to deal with the aftermath of it. Good Omens is great at finding humor in the dark things while also respecting that it's dark stuff, which is a tricky line to walk but is something that is done very well in a very trauma-informed way in Discworld. Sometimes, the easiest way to come at the dark stuff is actually through a comedy but it's a delicate thing and I think what resonates about it in this story for people who have been through different traumas is how they hit the right notes with it.

Crowley's obsessive cleanliness, his spotless flat, his alphabetized music and books, are all because he self-soothes by maintaining order when it comes to the material objects around him. He is at home in Aziraphale's cluttered bookshop but he needs that particular clutter to be undisturbed to a point that he's bothered by Gabriel moving one pile of books from one place to another.

The sunglasses are an attempt at control-seeking behavior because they allow him control over how others see him and mask his full expression from others, allowing him to feel more powerful by feeling more aloof. The biggest example of this stuff, though, is The Bentley.

It's a truth universally acknowledged that many, many people who are pretty far into rape recovery and are more functioning than not with PTSD, if they've developed it, fucking love to drive.

This might initially seem counter-intuitive to what I'm saying because the hypervigilance aspects of PTSD and the overall concern for safety sometimes result in survivors being less risk-averse and driving comes with risks. Its rewards tend to outweigh those risks for many survivors pretty quickly, though. Driving is actually an activity that helps build back self-trust in survivors and it's the ultimate in a sense of control.

People who have survived stuff like this benefit from small, frequent examples of successful situations of which they were fully in control to help build self-trust and work on overcoming self-doubt.

Driving a car requires the successful navigation of several tons worth of machinery from Point A to Point B without accident or injury and back again. It's simple but simple is often the point because survivors need both to feel in control of themselves and their immediate environment while also proving to themselves that they can trust themselves to assess situations. Driving solves those issues at once and helps build that confidence back in people.

It's what makes the already horrifying scene in 1.01 a thousand times worse. The decision to show Satan going through every one of Crowley's desperate attempts at defenses is what emphasizes the brutality of this but it was the fact that Crowley was driving when this happened as part of our re-introduction to him in the first episode that makes it even worse.

That his control over the car is forcibly taken from him and he has to watch as he comes within a breath of killing the guy in the on-coming truck is basically one of his worst nightmares. This guy we've seen wearing the dark clothes, the sunglasses at night, dripping in snark, is already someone for whom abuse is clearly, horribly, nothing new, but it's seeing him lose control of his ability to drive that emphasizes the horror of his loss of control over himself.

This moment is mercifully fairly short, if only because of Crowley needing to deliver the baby to start Armageddon. It shows us, though, that the point is the cruelty with Satan. The only information he gives to Crowley during the assault are instructions as to where to drop off the baby-- information that Hastur & Ligur could have been told to verbally give Crowley. He assaulted Crowley for his own pleasure, to try to exert power and control over him, and part of that involved not relinquishing control so Crowley could drive until Crowley almost killed a human... all with Satan's own infant son in the backseat the whole time. Crowley's inability to use miracles when possessed like that means he wouldn't have been able to stop Satan from forcing him to do someone harm (compounding the guilt and self-loathing from his fall) and he might have thought, during one or more times of this, that he was going to die himself.

So. Yeah. Many people who go through the real world horrors that Crowley's story is about are often just like he is, in that they usually have an overwhelmingly common tendency to need to feel every bit of control over themselves that they can, in an effort to compensate for the control that was robbed from them. They often like to drive, they often relax by cleaning, they likely will absolutely self-soothe by re-alphabetizing their already alphabetized collections...

They might even also try to deal with these control problems and their anger and depression by taking that 'grow a garden to experience some self-trust wins' thing a little too intensely...

I'm not even being tongue-in-cheek here-- gardening, especially small batches of indoor container gardening, is one of the most frequently recommended activities for people who suffer from PTSD. It's low-maintenance enough that it doesn't overwhelm someone experiencing anxiety and/or depression and there are some houseplants that are borderline unkillable, making it a safe, likely win.

Keeping plants alive can be therapeutic for people who find it difficult to trust themselves because they can often find a win in having looked after the plant's basic needs enough to have kept it from dying, which also comes with the joy and pride in seeing it grow. We all can see from a hundred miles away Crowley's issues projected all the fuck over his gardening 😂 but, as um, Crowls, you good over there? as him pretty clearly reenacting his fall and lording over his plants, it's a healthier direction for his anger than taking it out on people would be. Better he's screaming at the plants he thinks don't really understand him than at Aziraphale.

The spots on the leaves really, really bother him, though, because he personalizes the growth of the plants. The criticism isn't really about the plants-- it's self-criticism he's projecting onto them. If the plants aren't lushing up perfectly constantly, Crowley yells at them but he's really blaming himself because he's the one in control of taking care of them. The spots, in his mind, reflect a failure on his part to have anticipated the needs of the plants-- a situation he did not properly assess, a thing that he should have seen coming and missed.

He's yelling at them on the surface and, internally, trying to figure out what he did wrong. Did they need more fertilizer or less? More water, more sun, and when? How did he not see the yellow spot coming?! <insert negative self-thoughts as a result of this here>

Obviously, not super-healthy, right?

The concept of 'sometimes, plants just get yellow leaves and one or two here or there is not a big problem'? That is difficult for Crowley, just as the concept that, sometimes, a person is not going to be able to judge every single situation perfectly and most mistakes there are not a big deal, is also difficult for him and people like him who have experienced trauma and have a lot of self-doubt as a result.

All this need for a sense of control over himself is also what makes the show's several references to Crowley enjoying Aziraphale periodically restraining him in bed such a big deal. The level of trust it takes for that to be even attempted, let alone enjoyable, for someone who has been raped is enormous. Sex, as a whole, can get understandably complicated for rape survivors. There's this bit o'meta about all that mindful sushi, if looking at that aspect of this story is of interest to you.

Right, so, all of this control-seeking, hypervigilant, self-doubting behavior also causes very high levels of anxiety in survivors. As would make sense, right, because if you're worried that you're missing something, you're attempting to be hyperaware of everything, all the time, in an effort to not be blindsided and harmed, and that gets stressful.

To give you an example of how used to Crowley having periods of high anxiety like this Aziraphale is, look no further than The Meeting Ball, when Aziraphale initially failed to see one example of Crowley's high anxiety actually being more warranted than just alarmist, simply because he's so used to Crowley's default state, especially of late, being something is wrong.

Aziraphale overlooks the possibility of Crowley being right about this danger because Aziraphale is going through his own stuff on this night but also because he's so used to Crowley being constantly jumpy and worried about everything that it's gotten to a point that his default response is to just try to help Crowley calm down because, nine times out of ten, there's no real, actual danger.

Aziraphale thinks Crowley's just nervous about the party so he's just like ok tell me what's upsetting you and I'll listen and we can talk but let's dance while we talk. He flirts with him and tries to get him to eat a vol-au-vent during The Meeting Ball because talking with him, hearing his worries, and then offering him reassurance and affection and trying to help him calm down by making sure he's not spiraling worse from low blood sugar and the like is Aziraphale's (genuinely helpful and effective) go-to strategy.

In Aziraphale's defense? Crowley's like this all the time and most of the time, he's grossly over-estimating the danger because he's anxious, so it's more often than not the case that Crowley is just overly-cautious rather than that something is genuinely wrong. Aziraphale tries to just provide Crowley the reassurance that Crowley seeks from him that they are safe (while making sure that they genuinely are safe) and to help him with perspective.

These same people who are survivors, though? They can be very, very different in behavior when they are in a situation where they aren't being triggered as much by their PTSD.

They can be patient, kind, thoughtful, and great at big picture thinking and managing life when they are in a situation that is not triggering. They can be wonderful friends and partners and, maybe because of being exceptionally in tune to noticing trauma in others, they can also be really exceptional at helping loved ones manage their own dark stuff, as we've seen Crowley show time and again with Aziraphale.

The key thing here is that they're at their best when they're not in a situation where they're being triggered by the things they're trying to manage themselves. When those things are overwhelming them, it's going to be pretty much all they can deal with or think about until the situation becomes manageable for them.

This is basically the state of things for Crowley for much of S2 and in his interactions with Gabriel, which we're on the scenic route to here, I promise. 😉

When triggered by something that they experience as a threat to their safety, many survivors can experience a panicked kind of tunnel vision. Their only response becomes about getting as far away from the threat as possible, as fast as is possible.

Logic tends to fall by the wayside in these situations. Crowley's default response of running away to Alpha Centauri whenever he thinks Hell is after them is the most trauma response that has ever trauma responsed. It makes absolutely no logical sense. Heaven and Hell can absolutely find them in the star system they all share. The reason why Crowley chooses this as his default is because, in reality, there is nowhere for him to run to escape Heaven and Hell and his default response is to just get as far away as possible.

It's to literally put as much distance between himself and potential harm as possible, as quickly as possible, even if he cannot ultimately outrun it. This fear response is the body flooding itself with cortisol and other stress hormones screaming we are under attack! at the first sign of danger as its strategy for keeping another attack from happening. It's an almost animal instinct to run for safety.

To Crowley, safety is Aziraphale and a threat from Heaven or Hell looming means he goes into a state of tunnel vision where all he can think about is keeping Aziraphale and himself safe in whatever way he can manage. In S1, that meant getting Aziraphale into the car and apparently Chitty Chitty Bang Banging it to Alpha Centauri-- just getting as far from pain as possible with the person who makes him feel safe and whom he cannot bear the thought of losing.

Did it make any sense? Good heavens, no. Neither did asking Aziraphale for holy water in a panic in the public park where the listening ducks had ears back in 1862, which is a very similar kind of PTSD-induced panic but one that can see a survivor run in a different way, which I looked at over here in this post about insurance, should you be interested.

The problem is that a person that is panicking cannot think clearly and so isn't super-great at making a strategic plan to overcome whatever the threat actually is-- presuming there even is a legitimate threat.

While Crowley is under threat from Hell in the Alpha Centauri scene in S1, he's panicked and all he can really think to do is to get safe which, for Crowley, means getting Aziraphale and getting as far away from the danger as possible, even if that isn't a great plan for actually eliminating the overall threat of the danger itself.

This is basically the same thing as his initial response to Gabriel in S2.

Crowley has legitimate reason to be afraid of Gabriel after S1 and his panic over seeing him again in the bookshop is understandable and no joke. Good Omens, though, is good at finding the humor in the darkness, and Crowley's outsized response to Jim as the scenes continue gets amusing, even as the reasons for it are dark.

When Aziraphale first saw Gabriel at the door, he was obviously and understandably surprised and anxious. He was able, though, to evaluate the situation rationally and make decisions based on the facts in front of him because his own traumatic experiences are a bit different from Crowley's. Aziraphale does not have rape-related PTSD. This is why Aziraphale is able to look at Gabriel from the get-go, see that he doesn't pose a threat to them, and begin to consider that he and Crowley and Gabriel might all need one another.

Crowley takes longer to get to this place because he takes one look at Gabriel, whom he believes that he last saw trying to kill Aziraphale and who is now in the middle of their bookshop safe space, and his PTSD goes into overdrive.

What makes this funny is also what emphasizes the horror show that is living with PTSD that Crowley exemplifies, which is that Gabriel in 2.01 could not possibly be less threatening.

He's wearing a tartan toga and not much else when Crowley first sees him. (Aziraphale was really hoping that would help mitigate the alarm for Crowley lol.) Gabriel's dusting the books. He's super-friendly. We're all calling him Jim now, for whatever reason. He is, quite clearly, having a complete and utter mental health breakdown, and is in desperate need of help. It doesn't take much to see that, all things in the past aside, their naked man friend is not really especially scary-- a fact that becomes more evident with each passing moment.

Crowley's response to this, though, is if Aziraphale had invited Hannibal Lecter over for dinner. His initial response is what, of course?

To get as far from Gabriel as he can!

The immediate response to this from Crowley is just basically running for the private room in the back of the bookshop, shutting himself inside it with Aziraphale, and looking at the closed door with an eye so watchful that you'd think he expects Gabriel to Kool-Aid Man through it at any moment.

Crowley is literally incapable of thinking logically at this point. His mind and his body are screaming at him that this situation is unsafe because Crowley's trauma over the body swap in Heaven is such that he's never been able to think rationally about it or about how he and Aziraphale have managed to elude deception all this time. He's never considered the idea that Gabriel is as trapped as they are and was flanked by other angels Up there and so had to lay it on thick or risk death himself.

To Crowley for most of S2, Gabriel is a villain and that's the end of it, and he's certainly not capable of thinking this through right after he sees him in the bookshop again, as he's triggered to the moon and back. Nuanced thinking-- the stuff that big-picture thinkers like Crowley are usually very good at doing-- goes out the window when they're triggered.

The only person that Crowley feels truly safe with is Aziraphale. Aziraphale has earned a level of trust with Crowley where, even in Crowley's most panicked state, it's never just his own safety he's concerned with but his and Aziraphale's. He can't run without Aziraphale because he can't live without Aziraphale. Aziraphale is the only one who gets to see him at his worst with managing his PTSD because he's the only one Crowley truly trusts.

Gabriel is in the bookshop, though, so it's not like they can run from him because this is their house 😂 so Crowley's PTSD pivots it to become that if they can't get away from Gabriel here, then they need to get Gabriel away from them.

To Crowley, Gabriel is immediately a threat and one that needs to be gotten as far away from him, Aziraphale, and their bookshop safe space as quickly as possible.

This is how Crowley's initial plan for how to deal with Gabriel is the absolutely hilariously ineffectual "we could drive him out to the middle of nowhere and leave him for dead!"

Right, and what's the plan for when the angels show up at the bookshop looking for him, Crowley? Do we also have a strategy for how we're going to feel about leaving a guy who can't remember his own name in the cold on the side of the road when we're a soft-hearted, Jemimah's-pot-saving, Richard-Curtis-film-devotee marshmallow? No? Of course not. 😂

There's no logic here. This is an ineffectual as running to Alpha Centauri. He's pacing and wide-eyed and not even really trying with the PTSD response at this point, completely impervious to Aziraphale's more rational honey, I don't think the amnesiac guy in the towel is going to kill us opinion of the situation.

What Crowley needs is for Gabriel to be nowhere near him and the precious, peaceful, fragile existence he's carved out for himself here, right?

And, ouch, Crowley, when it's clear that Aziraphale is right-- this existence (really: a life) is one that they've carved out for themselves, together. Crowley is choosing, though, to respond as if Aziraphale isn't listening to to his need for safety when, in reality, Aziraphale wouldn't have allowed Gabriel to stay if he hadn't deemed him safe to both he and Crowley. Crowley is scared so he's saying I can't be around him, I can't deal with this. It's my life, not ours, if you're letting him stay here, which leads to their argument.

PTSD is hard to manage, especially when new triggers come up unexpectedly out of nowhere during a time that is already been difficult, and we've been given some indications elsewhere in the season that Crowley's been struggling of late, like the fact that he's having an existential crisis on the park bench at the start of 2.01, among other things. Crowley can usually can do better than this with managing his PTSD and he fails at it while Aziraphale winds up more successful with his own trauma-adjacent issues during their argument, resulting it being Crowley who is apologizing later on. Aziraphale understands, though, and lets it go with the apology because he knows how difficult this is to deal with, especially when they are not fully free of Heaven and Hell.

The reason why Crowley cannot look at the Jim situation in the first moments he's informed of it with anything resembling logic has nothing to do with Aziraphale or Gabriel, though.

It's entirely because Crowley struggles to be able to trust himself to be able to judge what this situation actually is.

Being always worried that there's something going unseen that could lead to harm for themselves or the people they love leads PTSD sufferers to feel a lot of stress and anxiety. This is especially true because, to an extent, missing something will eventually be a self-fulfilling prophecy at some point, just because no one sees everything clearly all the time.

Everyone misjudges situations at times or doesn't see what a person was trying to say or do. Not all of these are five alarm fire situations but no one gets it right all the time and, when that happens to someone who has PTSD, it can worsen self-doubt issues.

The problem for people with PTSD is that, sometimes, worsening self-doubt issues can snowball. If they miss something and that worsens the self-doubt, they might then wind up in a panicked tunnel vision state of mind. This heightened level of panic might cause them to keep making mistakes and misinterpreting situations or intent with other people, causing more errors in judgement. It hammers away at their ability to feel like they can trust themselves to accurately judge situations and keep themselves safe, worsening their state of mind. This happens with Crowley in S2 and it's actually still on-going heading into The Finale because he's missing something massive in The Final 15, which is you can read more about in The Kiss, if you're interested.

Crowley already had been suffering for awhile ahead of S2 with the loss of control and feeling of having misjudged a situation in S1 that led to what he thought at the time was the loss of both the bookshop and Aziraphale. This was bad enough but, then, something else happened in 2.01 that caused the self-doubt to get really bad for the rest of the season and that affected his interactions with Gabriel.

That thing was his conversation with Beez about The Book of Life.

When Beez brings up The Book of Life, Crowley has an immediate answer. He has a memory of him and Beez having made up The Book of Life to tease more impressionable angels. He has a memory that Beez does not and Beez's expression says that they think that Crowley might be correct. (We see their expression but they are angled away from Crowley, who does not.)

Beez is embarrassed to think that they've been afraid of a thing that is something of their own making and not real. A thing that is of someone's own making and only as real a threat as they allow it to be?

That's also true of anxiety.

The Book of Life being something that Crowley and Beez once made up as angels that reflected their anxiety over living in Heaven becoming something that they convince themselves is a real threat is a plot that works basically the same way as anxiety does and emphasizes that anxiety as part of both of their stories.

Beez's embarrassment over having believed this results in them doubling down over it being true. Crowley could have decided that he was sure about his own memories but, instead, he chose to default to Beez, assuming that they would know more from running Hell and that it must be him who was incorrect.

There's that self-doubt again.

He trusted Beez over his own mind because he doubts his ability to accurately parse his own memories at times-- which is to say that he doubts himself.

The irony is that it's this lack of self-trust that causes him to doubt his own mind that leads him to believe in The Book of Life and not mention it to Aziraphale all season, in a misguided effort to protect him and not give more to worry about, that means that Crowley is so worried about The Book of Life that he can't see what is actually happening in The Final 15.

So, after talking with Beez, Crowley is now even more anxious, because he thinks that they're all going to die if they get caught helping Gabriel. He absolutely knows that helping Gabriel is the right thing to do but living with the up-and-down of PTSD is this level of exhausting:

Here's where we can add in the extra-stressful layer to helping Gabriel here, which is that Crowley has been, more or less, living in the bookshop. He and Aziraphale both get "plenty of use" out of it and various hints-- the book he gives Muriel being likely his own; the fact that Gabriel appears to be wearing Crowley's tie and shoes later on, etc., a bunch of other, little things-- emphasize that the bookshop is, unofficially, also Crowley's house.

Aziraphale's got Gabriel staying in a bedroom in the residence upstairs and it's shown a bunch of times to be next door to the room at the top of the stairs, the door to which stays shut all season but is, more than likely, Crowley and Aziraphale's bedroom. Gabriel's presence in the shop to Crowley means that he and Aziraphale are risking Gabriel getting the impression that they are a couple. (Like seeing them for three seconds together wouldn't give someone this impression lol.) It might not matter that much to Jim who doesn't know what the fuck is going on lol but Crowley's more concerned about what happens if the person he thinks is Gabriel suddenly pops out of Jim. What happens if Jim's amnesia disappears and the nice dude becomes this evil person that Crowley has convinced himself that Gabriel must be?

Crowley was never really that safe in his flat but he doesn't have that to go to anymore because, ya know, kipping with Shax around isn't the most zen way to unwind. He hasn't told Aziraphale for reasons looked at in that The Kiss meta linked above but part of why Aziraphale hasn't realized it is because Crowley is just in the shop most nights until the early morning hours. He leaves before dawn in an effort to keep them from being caught. The bookshop is basically Crowley's house, too, so having Gabriel stay there means them figuring out what to do about the fact that they've been trying to hide their relationship for thousands of years.

Crowley is having difficulty processing the idea that, amnesia aside, Jim is Gabriel, and that Gabriel came to him and Aziraphale for help. Aziraphale is more capable of seeing that he and Crowley are the ones in control of the situation, which he helps Crowley to see a bit more once Crowley has calmed down from the initial shock of it and come back to the shop, worried about The Book of Life threat and feeling guilty about their argument and, especially, about saying that he's leaving Aziraphale on his own, when he knows that's as triggering for Aziraphale as all of this Gabriel stuff has been for Crowley himself.

As Crowley sees a little more of Jim and how really vulnerable he is ("Hello! Where did you come from?... Can I go to the outside?" lol)... and as Aziraphale gives Crowley a task-- something he can do to help and to feel in control of what's happening... Crowley gets a little bit more comfortable with what's happening, if still nowhere near relaxed about it.

Crowley is shown to be very unsure about Aziraphale acting in a way that is normal for them when in the shop with him around Gabriel-- mainly, with Aziraphale getting so near to him and moving to touch him in a way that, if Crowley hadn't backed up, would have been ridiculously couple-y. Crowley isn't sure what the whole deal with Jim really is at this point and he's not sure that he wants Gabriel to see anything that suggests that he's Aziraphale's partner, even if that's exactly what he is.

The irony here is that Gabriel's first scene in the first episode-- the one in the sushi restaurant that is cut into off of Crowley being assaulted-- shows that Gabriel had absolutely no reason for being there in the restaurant that night other than to try to help Crowley by telling Aziraphale what was happening and then trying to tell Aziraphale that he'd cover for him and Crowley. He told Aziraphale that he was under special assignment to watch Crowley (which, as Aziraphale pointed out in the scene, is just Aziraphale's usual job lol) and to "keep him under close observation." (Interesting, doctoral choice of phrasing from Gabriel there.) He was giving Aziraphale an excuse-- if you get caught, we can say that I gave you this assignment and I'll do what I can to protect you both is essentially the message.

Gabriel's entire reason for being in the sushi restaurant was because his informant (Beez) was upset over not being able to keep Crowley out of Armageddon and Gabriel's response to that was to try to help Crowley and Aziraphale by trying to tell Aziraphale listen, I'll take care of Heaven. You just take care of Crowley. His very first scene in the show is him trying to do what he could to help Crowley but Crowley and Aziraphale don't really see this and remain afraid of him when, in reality, 1.01 suggests that Gabriel and Beez have been trying to protect them all along and are the strongest allies they both have.

In S2, Aziraphale is in a more logical place. Gabriel has amnesia, showed up naked, needs help. Even if he recovers, he owes them one, and he also protected Aziraphale from Sandalphon in S1. They can trust him and they are the ones in control of the situation. Crowley manages to listen to Aziraphale's idea, though, as he's calmed down a little bit by seeing again just how unthreatening Jim is and by Aziraphale taking charge of what they can do and giving Crowley something specific that he can do to help protect all of them.

Aziraphale all smiles at seeing Crowley grinning and hippity-hopping for the first time since the whole mess started...

Aziraphale knows Crowley well and he knows that, sometimes, Crowley needs to prove to himself that he can handle things and tries to find ways that he can help by having Crowley do something to help prove to himself that he can trust himself the way that Aziraphale trusts him.

Aziraphale's confidence in Crowley helps Crowley trust himself more, as we saw on full display in S2 in one of the biggest moments in the series:

Chief among Aziraphale's many reasons for being the one of the two of them to go to Edinburgh is that he wanted to help Crowley by giving him control over the bookshop and the Jim situation.

By trusting Crowley to mind the shop and care for Gabriel while he was gone, Aziraphale was reiterating that he trusted Crowley to judge accurately any situations, including those with the angels, that might come up. He was trusting him to manage his PTSD, in spite of the struggles with it that Crowley had been having that week, because he trusts Crowley, which is a reminder that Crowley needs a lot and that can be very helpful in boosting his confidence in his ability to trust himself.

Aziraphale also knew that Crowley was tired and didn't want him to feel kicked out of his home. Aziraphale didn't know that Crowley was living out of his car but he didn't know that because Crowley was just in the bookshop so often that it meant that Aziraphale hadn't noticed that Crowley didn't have his flat. Crowley had low key moved in as much as that was possible for the two of them. He was used to sleeping in their bed and being in the bookshop which, even as it had been a bit stressful because of the fire, was still the place that made him feel the safest.

Aziraphale wanted him to get some rest and relax for a bit in the shop and was hoping that, since he was charging Crowley with Gabriel's care, it might cause them to talk a bit more, which Aziraphale wisely knew would be good for both of them.

All of that was a good plan but, as we see, though, Crowley's response to Gabriel starts to go up and down during the rest of the week. Why?

One of the reasons is a series of things, most of them not terribly consequential, but which add up to Crowley having one of those weeks we all have from time to time when new information is causing us to feel like we don't know much of anything or can't do anything right.

Crowley is the one who knows popular music but he doesn't know this "Everyday" song so he's not much help with that mystery. He bungles his Vavoom attempts for Maggie & Nina by collapsing the awning with too much rain. He had absolutely no idea that his old pal, master spy/brandy smuggler/brains behind the 1810 Clerkenwell Diamond Robbery/all around legend, Jane Austen, wrote books, let alone classic, romantic ones.

These are also nods to how Crowley's missing memories means he's fuzzy on the origins of things. "Everyday" is one of the foundational songs of rock 'n roll and Jane Austen is the same for modern romantic stories but Crowley knows better what came after-- Queen, Richard Curtis films, etc.. It emphasizes that he feels more sure of his memories since his fall but, because he lived through these eras, not knowing things from them are then also examples to him of times when he wasn't fully aware of his surroundings and missed things.

What unsettles him is that Aziraphale knew that Jane wrote books so it's overall a case of Crowley having missed something important. It's something that, in this case, everyone seems to have known but him, which is the most unsettling kind of thing for someone dealing with PTSD. It's not the end of the world but it didn't help his already bad week.

Another thing the different perspective on Jane Austen did is emphasize how Crowley having to deal with trauma causes him to move through the world differently than other people. The way that other people commonly experience things aren't always his experience, even if he can intellectually understand theirs. This is just a fact of life for people who have been through things like what Crowley has but, when a reminder of it is mixed into a time when the self-doubt is especially high, it can worsen a sense of being 'other' from other people, and worsen PTSD.

In the middle of all of this are also Crowley's interactions with Shax. Shax is a devout diabolical minister and the closer she gets to figuring out that he and Aziraphale are a couple, the more Crowley's stress is compounded as his usual fear of Satan turning up increases.

Shax is also a constant reminder of Satan-- one that has an unnerving habit of just popping up places and being far too close for comfort. She doesn't hide her attraction to him and he doesn't want anything to do with her. He's balancing that disinterest with trying to keep her from figuring out about Aziraphale. He's technically not a demon anymore but Hell is still following him around via Shax and Hell is, fundamentally, Satan. She's the inability to escape reminders of trauma that can come up in different periods and worsen PTSD.

Then, there's the bigger problem: Crowley kinda likes Jimbriel.

He is relating to Gabriel. He has been the whole time. An amnesiac former angel leaning on Aziraphale for safety and comfort while struggling with trauma and memories... yeah, Crowley knows nothing about how that goes. 😂 Gabriel's struggle with his memory was very familiar for Crowley and he empathized enough to, in his own way, try to help-- revealing another example of just how hard Crowley is on himself in the process.

What's causing complications for Crowley is that he both likes and sympathizes with Jim. Crowley knows that the most logical answer here is that it's really that Jim and Gabriel are the same person. Crowley is being confronted with the idea that maybe this scary monster he's built up in his mind really isn't a scary monster and he can barely make sense of that.

Crowley has not previously put a lot of thought into the idea that Gabriel has been as trapped as he and Aziraphale have been and that he might have had to act a role to survive, in a way that Crowley himself often does and did in the past. He's tended to see Gabriel as a threat and nothing else... but the Jimbriel currently driving him insane rearranging the bookshop is anything but a threat.

Then, while Aziraphale is in Edinburgh, it's just Crowley and Gabriel for a time, and Crowley's perception that Gabriel is not a threat just keeps increasing. Gabriel just looks more like walking depression, struggling as Crowley himself has done with his sense of self, and trying his best to be helpful to those around him.

He's kind to Crowley, eager to help with whatever Crowley is up to, and not at all threatening. There's no sense from Crowley that this is all some master plan where Gabriel dons a Christmas jumper and earns their trust, only to slit their throats in their sleep. He's just a lost guy who needs their help.

Jimbriel, it turns out, is fucking nice. He's kind to Crowley and appreciative of his help. Crowley has no idea what to do with this. This messes with Crowley's perception of what he thought reality was so it's confusing for him.

Because Aziraphale has tasked him with managing this situation and given him reassurance that he can, Crowley has dived into not letting Aziraphale down with it. He's gotten a bookseller outfit on, he's keeping the place somewhat organized so that Aziraphale won't lose it too much over Jim's reorg project 😂 (really, probably, just pulling his own books out of Jim's piles because a traumatized demon can only give up so much control at once here lol) and he's being generally pleasant to Jimbriel, whom he'd rather, at this stage, die than admit he kind of likes.

He's cautious about things but he's also relaxing a little more around Jim, which is scary for him because what if he's misjudged this?! But, Aziraphale wants him to try and all objective evidence points to Aziraphale's assessment being correct and Jim not being at threat, so Crowley tries, as he supposes that there are worse things than having an archangel owe you a favor, even if Crowley is still not at all for this situation as a whole because the wolves keep circling.

Not only is Crowley worried about the angels and demons who are trying to find Gabriel getting them erased from The Book of Life that he's convinced himself is real, Crowley now has the new problem of ugh kinda caring about what happens to Jim. Goddamned feelings. 😂 To be sure, he'd still chuck Jim off a bridge if it meant keeping himself and Aziraphale from harm, but Crowley's warming up to him a bit.

Early on, he's more amusing himself than anything, when explaining the plan to make Maggie and Nina Vavoom to Gabriel. In that moment, Gabriel can't remember anything so the concept of The Vavoom is new information to him but it's funny to Crowley that it would be because it's something of a repeat of how he and Aziraphale once fooled Gabriel to save Job and Sitis' kids off of what, essentially, was Gabriel's lack of information about human sex.

There's an argument to be made that Gabriel let himself play the fool in that scene but, even if you think he genuinely did not know then that all human babies are not made and birthed through ribs, he certainly has acquired that information since, among other scenes, that dry, "it's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet" to Aziraphale in the sushi restaurant scene was overflowing with sexual innuendo.

Crowley chats on, using words from his and Aziraphale's language around Gabriel in the vavoom explanation scene to ease his stress and have something amusing to tell Aziraphale when he comes back. He's still snarky in the other scenes ("well-observed") but he also shows genuine empathy and provides calm, patient answers to Gabriel, especially in the gravity scene.

He sympathizes with Gabriel and helps him try to process what he's going through. He's seeing Gabriel as a person for the first time in doing this and the image Crowley has of him is changing, which, as we've said, is overall positive, but also compounds anxiety in the short-term because he cannot find a path to reconciling it with the past in his mind.

The self-doubt doesn't disappear but he's gathering some more information about the situation to inform his decisions the longer he's around Gabriel... and the longer he is, the more worried about all of it-- the threat of the situation to him and Aziraphale, but also now the danger to Gabriel himself-- Crowley becomes.

Still, he had every opportunity to betray Gabriel during the time that Aziraphale was away and he didn't. He could have chucked him at Shax more than once, if he was of mind to do so, but he didn't because Crowley has a good heart and he knew that Gabriel needed them and that helping him was the right thing to do.

The more Crowley saw about what was happening to Gabriel-- especially the eerie "there will come a tempest" moment when Gabriel isn't even really Gabriel and can't remember what just happened and then is in a state of distress afterwards-- the more he wanted to help him and the more Crowley believed that whatever was happening to Gabriel was genuine... but that didn't stop the larger threat to Aziraphale that concerned Crowley more.

At the same time as he's making sure that Jim is safe in the shop, he's also then turning around and growling at him that Aziraphale is risking his existence to help save him-- something which Gabriel, without his memories, doesn't really have any concept of, which just frustrates Crowley because it's unsatisfying to vent fear at someone who really doesn't have the ability in that moment to understand your fear. It looked and sounded like anger but it was really fear.

By the time Aziraphale returns from Edinburgh, it's first thing on Thursday morning, and Gabriel's been in the bookshop since Monday morning. At this point, after the last few days and what Crowley's seen, it would be pretty absurd to still think that Gabriel himself poses a threat to them, and Crowley knows that's true. He knows that, if Gabriel were there to harm them, he would have done so already. He knows that if Gabriel wanted to kill them, there would have been no better time to start that then when Aziraphale was gone but, lo and behold, Crowley is still alive and breathing.

Gabriel was very scary while Aziraphale was gone, doing things like looking sad and lost, sleeping, rearranging books, and, occasionally, singing to himself. Very frightening lol.

That said? Crowley's self-doubt is such that, while all of the evidence that Gabriel is not a threat is overwhelming at this point, he cannot shake the fear that he's misjudged this, and he's terrified about not getting it right because the stakes are so high.

Crowley wants to trust in Aziraphale's assessment, as he always does when he's not sure of his own, but what if they're wrong? What if he fails to see some flaw in Aziraphale's assessment that he normally would have noticed if he weren't so anxious and that proves to be their fatal undoing? What if Aziraphale's got this backwards? Then, if Crowley doesn't get it right, he'll be failing to protect him. He'll have been a bad partner to him and, atop that, they could wind up dead.

Aziraphale didn't just meet Crowley yesterday, though, and he knows how Crowley's mind works. When they start to talk about this at Marguerite's, Crowley fails to tell Aziraphale the big threat that's on his mind-- The Book of Life. I remain pretty convinced that if Crowley had chosen to bring this up, instead of trying to manage all of this on his own, that Aziraphale could have reassured Crowley that Crowley's initial memories were correct and it wasn't a thing. If that had happened, The Final 15 never would have happened the way it did because Crowley wouldn't have been so distracted from The Book of Life that he failed to see what the threat really was.

But, in that moment, while he didn't tell Aziraphale about his concerns over The Book of Life, he did talk with him about how he was feeling about the Gabriel situation.

In the scene, Crowley admits to being awake the prior night worrying about the Gabriel situation. (And also likely because he missed Aziraphale.) He's self-deprecating as he expresses concern about what might happen if Gabriel "wakes up" and about the possibility of Gabriel "faking it"-- which they both know isn't really a thing at this point. Crowley turns the concerns into a flirtation with Aziraphale, needing a moment of play, and jokes that Gabriel could smite him, before flirting over the past tense of the verb to smite... the most Crowley and Aziraphale flirtation possible. 😊

Crowley knows how absurd the ideas he's saying sound aloud but he's saying them aloud anyway-- giving voice to some of his most anxious thoughts, which is a good thing-- because he needs reassurance from Aziraphale. It speaks to how much he trusts him and how healthy they are in being pretty open about talking about how they feel.

Crowley needs Aziraphale to tell him that it's okay and that they're safe and to just flirt with him a little and get him out of his head and Aziraphale does that. It's the same thing as this:

Crowley trusts Aziraphale and he sometimes just needs Aziraphale to tell him when he's going around the bend with something. Part of that is running his most anxious thoughts about the flagpole to Aziraphale and seeing if Aziraphale thinks that they sound like legitimate problems or more like the product of Crowley's anxiety talking. Crowley usually already knows the answer to this-- and he definitely did in the smitten scene-- but it's comforting to have Aziraphale tell him in that fond way of his that it's all alright and that he doesn't need to worry so much.

Aziraphale is very gentle in his response when he gives Crowley that reassurance. He teases him a little-- saying that the appropriate past tense for what Crowley would be should Gabriel smite him would be 'smitten', which is the one that corresponds to being infatuated, teasing Crowley a bit because you know he'll never miss an opportunity not to after Crowley said Gabriel was beautiful on their date in 1827 😂 -- but the sweet part is actually the wordplay in the soft "you're being silly."

The tone alone is sensitive enough but the choice of the word silly is an interesting one, especially since they're wordplay-flirting in that moment. It contains sill, a word that means threshold, usually of a door or a window. There's a level of humor to this because it's saying that Crowley is being silly about Gabriel-- about who they've let in past the threshold of the bookshop door-- and that all holds true. There's also, though, that the context of what Crowley's saying in this scene-- about the reassurance for his anxiety that he's looking for-- especially when coupled with remembering Aziraphale's "you can call me an old silly but I think The Devil is coming" from back in S1 suggest that silly is an already-existing PTSD-related word to them.

Aziraphale saying that Crowley is being silly is meaning that Aziraphale's is trying to gently say that he thinks that the anxious thoughts are related to Crowley's trauma, and the threat is more of a perceived one than a real one. They're things related to Crowley's own threshold that has been forcibly crossed in the past, leaving him wracked with self-doubt and anxiety.

Aziraphale's gentle "you're being silly" is a way of reassuring Crowley that, yes, the threatening things he's suggesting that might happen with Gabriel are really out there and very unlikely to occur and that this is the PTSD talking.

Aziraphale then asks has Crowley considered just talking to Gabriel? You know, like how he is talking to Aziraphale in that moment? Just openly telling him what's bothering him and going from there? That might be a healthy option? 😲😂

This is a great idea but the for the fact that Crowley is a little drunk and then decides to basically drink the rest of the bottle of wine before having the conversation in question but we're at least sort of headed in the right direction!

Crowley decides to confront Jim-- who remembers precious little about prior events so, you know, really satisfying confrontation for Crowley here lol-- about that whole "shut your stupid mouth and die" business back in S1.

This is the big problem for Crowley-- the one thing he's having trouble getting around. Jim, the last few days? A pleasure. A fellow snarky, fucked up, gent that Crowley wouldn't have an issue becoming eternal friends with. His impression of His Royal Smugness from back in S1, though? A little lacking.

Note the emphasis in the "And I do remember..." as he confronts Gabriel in the moment above. It shows how the conversation with Beez is still bothering Crowley and how that is worsening the self-doubt.

What Crowley is sure he does remember correctly, though, is the "shut your stupid mouth and die" scene from S1 and we know he's correct in doing so because we were there with him. We can contextualize it better than Crowley can because we've seen more of Gabriel during the story and, also, we aren't so directly traumatized by this that we can't consider other reasons for his behavior, like that he was also trapped and being watched by other angels.

This is where, even though the biggest sticking point for Crowley here is this moment of Gabriel's behavior from S1, Crowley's response to Gabriel is still really not fundamentally about Gabriel himself so much. How so?

It's because Gabriel doesn't mean to be, of course, but he is, unintentionally, the biggest, possible trigger there is for a lot of Crowley's PTSD. Why him, more than anyone else?

Well, not for nothing, but the last time Crowley trusted an attractive Supreme Archangel? It didn't exactly go well... Gabriel has been the Supreme Archangel since the only other, prior one fell and that other one was Crowley's abuser.

Gabriel has moved into the bookshop showing similar symptoms that Crowley himself did after his fall, unintentionally bringing all that up for Crowley, and, atop that, Gabriel had held the same position of power that Lucifer did. By pointing out across several scenes in S2 that Crowley is attracted to Gabriel (even if that's going nowhere as Crowley's a one angel kinda fella), it's also emphasizing the semi-conscious parallels in Crowley's mind between the powerful ex he once trusted who then harmed him and the handsome Supreme Archangel Crowley isn't sure he can trust but that, bizarrely, seems actually trustworthy.

The last time Crowley listened to his friends and supported an attractive person who seemed like they were going to treat him well and that everyone said could be trusted, Crowley wound up damned for eternity as a result. He wound up a rape survivor.

When Crowley and his wine go to talk to Gabriel, what they're really saying under the surface of all of that anger is that he is terrified that the Gabriel he saw in 1.06 is not a construct, like what Aziraphale thinks, but the real person-- that Gabriel is cruel and that the Jim thing is the charade, not the whole Archangel Fucking Gabriel thing.

What Crowley is really saying is that he doesn't know how to get it but he needs proof that Jimbriel won't hurt them.

Aziraphale wasn't the one there in 1.06; Crowley was. Crowley can, and has, heard Aziraphale's opinion on it, but he thinks he knows what he saw, and it's what he thinks he saw that is keeping him from fully agreeing that Aziraphale is correct and Jim can be trusted.

Crowley is too traumatized to really pull back, think about it a bit more, and understand what he saw, though. He's having trouble recognizing Gabriel with his trauma blinders on but it's really, really hard to take them off when, even though Gabriel had no intention of doing so, this situation is triggering everything for Crowley.

What Crowley hasn't given a lot of thought to is that Gabriel had two other angels standing there, including Sandalphon, whom we already saw earlier in S1 that he didn't trust at all. That he was in trouble with The Metatron over the failure to start Armageddon and that he didn't yet know that The Metatron wouldn't send him to Hell.

Gabriel was a dick, yes, but he was fucking terrified of falling and, even worse, at failing the angels he had been trying to protect, who would be left with no one really fighting for him without them.

Crowley's never really considered what Gabriel meant by don't talk to me about the greater good, sunshine.

Gabriel was also angry at being put in the position of it being Aziraphale-- the only angel he somewhat regularly saw whom he really felt was good and trustworthy and the closest thing to a friend, besides Beez, that he had-- versus the thousands of angels that he felt it was his duty as the Supreme Archangel to try to protect and keep safe.

How many times has Crowley put on a show around the demons to seem like he's one of them to try to stay alive? More times than he can count, right? But what Crowley hasn't been doing with Gabriel is consider that he was in the same kind of boat up in Heaven-- that "shut your stupid mouth and die already" is Gabriel acting like the angel that Sandalphon and The Metatron would think was on their side but that angel is not the person that Gabriel really is-- Jim is.

Crowley's basically projecting a version of his own fall over what's happening with Aziraphale and Gabriel here and has been for most of the season. He's worried that if he gives in and trusts Gabriel that Gabriel will turn out to be like Lucifer and Aziraphale will be hurt. It's basically trauma that is keeping Crowley from seeing that these two situations really are not the same at all.

Part of Crowley brings up the body swap plot to Gabriel in the hopes that he'll see Gabriel "crack", which will expose the whole Jim thing as a fraud, and then Crowley will have a reason to just say that Gabriel is like Lucifer and get Aziraphale away from him. It's the simple solution that Crowley knows isn't coming because he already knows, deep down, that Gabriel isn't Lucifer, but he feels he basically has to try and test him.

When he does, Gabriel is just continually nice. He expresses gratitude at how kind Aziraphale has been to him. He is-- to Crowley, wonderfully and infuriatingly at once-- patient and understanding about the fact that Crowley is drunk and expressing a lot of anger and hostility towards him. When Crowley says that he's endangering Aziraphale, Gabriel is upset and asks how he can help them.

He's fucking great lol and Crowley, drunk and angry, in one of the darkest moments of the show, tells him to jump out the window. [This is why you don't have intense conversations about trauma with wine involved.]

It's more of a flippant comment because Crowley doesn't actually think that Gabriel will attempt to do it but then he finds himself watching in horror as Gabriel proves that he is so lost and despairing that he would kill himself in an effort to be what the only friends he has needs.

Gabriel, it turns out, would jump out a window to his death without a second thought to keep Aziraphale from harm.

Crowley is shocked out of both his wine haze and his PTSD-related stuff and quickly keeps Gabriel from killing himself.

For the first time, Crowley really sees Gabriel there because this person who just-- really unnecessarily-- tried to sacrifice himself for his friends is, Crowley suddenly realizes, the complete fucking opposite of Satan.

Gabriel is someone who is actually way, way too self-sacrificing but he got there because of how deeply he cares about others and how isolated and lonely he feels. This is someone who has been taught that he exists as a symbol and feels like he's failed to live up to the impossible standards of it. He's struggling and he's depressed. He's not actually a symbol of Heaven; he's a victim and a survivor of it, the way Crowley and Aziraphale themselves are.

He really is Jim, just as Crowley has been seeing him the last few days. Gabriel is Jim. There is no secret evil about to come to the surface here and Crowley knows that for sure now-- he's just horrified that it went that far for him to see that realization.

Crowley's "Well, if you're not really him, what are you?" is such an interesting line. In addition to the idea that if he's not really like what Crowley thought Gabriel was like, there's also an element in there of:

If you're not really like him [Lucifer], then who are you?

It also mirrors Uriel's "What is he?" from the same scene in 1.06 that Crowley had been bringing up to Gabriel here. It's not just *who* someone is but *what* they are. In that way, it's comparing Uriel having her mind blown by what she thought was an angel who was immune to hellfire with Crowley having his mind blown by an angel who he thought was a villain turning out to be just a snarky lovebug.

For Crowley, the rest of this scene is the bigger realization-- the thing that Aziraphale has seen all along, and why he correctly thought that Gabriel and Crowley could become good friends if Crowley could get beyond his trauma to give that a try. The thing Crowley has been trying to avoid seeing, even as Gabriel's struggles over the last week so reminded Crowley of some of his own.

It's that Gabriel isn't just like Lucifer. He's just like Crowley.

As they talk about memory, the more honest and nice to him Gabriel is, the more Crowley feels guilty and terrible for how awful he was when he first came into the room. He came in angry that Gabriel had said terrible things to Aziraphale and then turned around and did basically the same thing to Gabriel. He almost leaves without trying to rectify it but, well...

...he and Aziraphale are quasi-immortal beings with no other friends who aren't human. Jimbriel is still willing to talk to Crowley, even after Crowley went, in his mind, full on embarrassing PTSD anxiety mess on him. He deserves a 'sorry for drunkenly telling you to kill yourself and would you like to be friends forever?' hot chocolate.

Worse to Crowley, even though Jimbriel doesn't remember enough to really understand during this scene why Crowley is Like This, he doesn't let that stop him from being kind and empathetic about it. He responds to Crowley's hot chocolate gesture by reassuring him that he is nice but it's here that Crowley truly adopted Jim forever:

Jimbriel doesn't remember the specifics in this moment but he can recognize in Crowley someone whose sharp edges are an act to cover for how badly they've been hurt. Crowley brings the mug in, holding it from the bottom so that Gabriel can take it from the sides-- and Gabriel does, but from lower than could have. As he takes the hot chocolate and thanks him, Gabriel brushes Crowley's wrist, very gently.

Just as Crowley's hot chocolate gesture is some softness to try to mitigate how harsh he was before and start anew, Jimbriel shows that he has intuited the problem without remembering all the details by touching Crowley lightly, taking intentional care in trying to show Crowley that he doesn't have to doubt that he's safe with him.

They're both saying the same thing:

I won't hurt you.

All that understandable anxiety? All that self-doubt in Crowley, where Gabriel was concerned?

It turns out it was all very silly.

[oscconfessions]

A confession from someone whose first impression of II was II2 Episode 15 because I went to the meetup as a fan of BFDI only:

I may have come in to the meetup as a fan of BFDI only, but I came out of the meetup resolving to watch II. A lot of it had to do with Taco’s song. I was going feral over the song and was impatiently waiting for the episode to get officially released so I could listen to it again. (Yes, I know it was probably leaked on YouTube, but I wanted to respect the creators’ wishes and didn’t want to reward the leakers.)

Another big part of this was the challenge and the psychological aspect of it (even if I didn’t fully understand what they were talking about when I first watched it since I lacked prior context). So yeah, I love the episode.

Having fully caught up to II now and rewatching the episode having seen all the other episodes, I finally understood all the references to the past. But now I’m confused about the timeline.

Baseball said they saw MePhone last night and the contestants all acted like not much time passed, but we know Season 3 happened while Season 2 was going on. Does time work differently on the Season 2 grounds than on Season 3 grounds? (…oh maybe this is why I keep getting Fan on “Which II character are you?” quizzes)

Also, after the meetup, I kinda assumed that II was like Total Drama World Tour in that they sing a song each episode, so watching the actual show, I spent a long time wondering, “when are they going to start singing?”

Also, watching II, I realized that it was kind of just… everything I’ve been wanting to see from BFDI (well S2 and S3 II, S1 II is a different story…). I’m sorry, BFDI, you will always be my first love, but I think I might just like II a bit more.

.

[dandelionjack]

THE LEGEND OF RUBY SUNDAY ANTI-REVIEW, AKA: I WANT TO SCREAM. CAN I SCREAM. CAN I SCREAM REAL LOUD

well that was … depressing. might go and rewatch something from s1 or s4 or s5 or s8 or s10 to remember what good doctor who feels like. or listen to some big finish.

really thought that the VHS tape would be the truman show reveal. oh well. we all thought something. silly me, expecting complex postmodernist media critique from a disneyfied children’s show. this is my cue to go back to watching things intended for adults, i guess.

i’ll delve into why sutekh is a shitty villain to revive for the new era in my next post — this one’s just for moping.

when you’re autistic, realising that your special interest media will probably never be good again is like growing apart from a childhood friend. it’s a slow, nagging sense of grief and loss, however absurd that may sound. this show saved my life in november after i’d just dropped out of uni. that’s what i’ll remember it as. not… this marvel-ised lacklustre forgettable slop.

and please, don’t you dare put false words in my mouth. you all know how big of a doctor who fan i am. despite what the bigots, racists and homophobes say, it’s not the doctor being Black or openly queer or a woman that killed earnest enjoyment of the show. the openly progressive politics are actually one of the few remaining positives about it. no — what killed it is what killed every long lasting franchise: the inevitable enshittification of all mainstream tv, brought about by unregulated capitalism, a complete disregard for artistic expression in anything but independent/diy media. anything that’s funded by corpos such as disney inevitably turns into figurative capeshit (even if it’s not literally about superheroes, you know the semantic field i’m discussing when i bring up that word). not even a formerly brilliant screenwriter like russell t davies can avoid falling into the trap of becoming complacent. “family-friendly” suddenly means “safe, dull, predictable”. as if children’s minds can’t be challenged or unsettled. as if weird and outlandish art isn’t what children remember for their entire lives, forgetting the other, trite, generic TV they were shown.

casual audiences remember Blink long after watching it as kids because it was wild and experimental on a shoestring budget. it was like nothing else on TV. same with The Empty Child/The Doctor Dances. the main issue with “series 1” (14) that i’m trying to express here is that, save two or three exceptions (73 Yards + to a lesser extent Boom and D&B), it is exactly like everything else on TV.

the only way out is to write our own worlds. fund them ourselves. cardboard, clingfilm and bubblewrap. that’s how doctor who used to be when it was funded by the BBC. that’s how it survived. whatever it’s trying to be now — well, that’s none of my business.

because business is all it’s become.

[incorrectsibunaquotes]

Ok, so I’m on a rewatch and one random pet peeve I have is the British characters saying “fries” instead of “chips” lmao.

Like I know it’s probably written for an American audience but with a mostly British cast you’d think someone would tell the writers. “Fries/chips” is one of the most well known vernacular differences between the US/UK and it just takes me out of it.

Dudeeee this drives me CRAZY!! It's like after the first few episodes of S1 they decided they'd done enough to establish that "Things Are Weird in England According to Nina" and then never emphasized any differences ever again, even going so far as to Americanize tf out of the school and the slang to the point it's actually offensive to the American youth's intelligence.

Like, WHY did they talk about money in $$$ instead of £££ ?!?!?!?! Why did they talk about college instead of university?? They talked about their grades the way Americans do ("I got an A!" instead of "I got full marks!") !!!!

There's SO many more examples, we could be here all day, but this has ALWAYS made me mad. Did they really think the American public were so brain-dead we wouldn't understand what they were talking about??

[initiumseries]

Hi,

I searched your blog but didn’t see anything, not sure if I’m using the wrong keywords.

I’m watching Angel for the first time and I’m wondering what your takes were on Spike being a champion and the whole Nina/Angel relationship.

Thanks for looking! I haven't talked too much about s5 because usually on a rewatch I'm sick of the show by season 3, but I've contemplated skipping s4 entirely or just watching episodes and then jumping to s5 to refresh me. But anyway, I never really had strong opinions about Nina and Angel. I think at most, I was glad we were finally no longer acting like sex was off the table for Angel, because it never was. Sex with Buffy is off the table and that's because, well, true love. So with Nina came the acknowledgment that there was not the same kind of feelings there and that was fine. Especially after the whole horrible Cordelia thing, it was a breath of fresh air at the time. I don't know if I'll still feel that way now, but I did at the time.

As for the Spike thing...well...hmm. Lol. I don't believe Spike earned his position as a Champion. I think that they made Spike a poor man's Angel and I think his character deserved better than that. Angel's soul was thrust upon him, sure, but he rose to the occasion when called. Spike, did not. Spike lamented his circumstances despite doing it to himself. He whined and self pitied and then was used against the side of good to kill potentials for the first because he was so weak willed. I don't think he did a single think in s7 BTVS to deserve being a champion other than sacrificing himself, which, honestly, isn't enough, because again, he didn't do that to save the world, he did that to save Buffy. Spike's motivations for being "good" have always been either, because he still got to kill (when he had the chip), and then eventually because it got him closer to Buffy. In Angel, s1-3, Angel is put through hell because he is still atoning, but Spike...just gets to be a Champion now? Lmao. He doesn't earn it, and it's insulting honestly. But I think shows struggle with characters changing while still maintaining their core personalities, because it requires a longterm goal and plan.

Consider Zuko's redemption arc. It's probably the best redemption arc ever done on television. But it's because from the very beginning, Zuko was not irredeemable. He struggled, but he received love, he was forced into situations that exposed him to the violence of the fire nation, and ended up on the receiving end of that brutality. He was stripped of his royal status and had to interact with every day people, seeing the scars of war. It fundamentally changed him as a person. And even then, when the time comes for him to make a big choice, he makes the wrong one. He chooses his home, his sister, his previous life, and Aang nearly dies for it. But he had idealized the palace, and when he returns, and his uncle refuses to speak to him, he feels shame and regret. He realizes he isn't the same person he was when he left. He finally makes the right choice, and seeks out the Gaang, and they don't accept him easily. When they do, it's because Zuko *acknowledges* how he hurt them and how he plans on doing better. And even after ALL that, he still has to win over Katara.

But Spike? Lmao. Spike gets a chip in his head - which on its own is hilarious and fun - but becomes exhausting after a while. He doesn't spend more time around the scoobies and begin to see value in what the scoobies are fighting for. He doesn't begin to realize all the fear and harm and damage demons do to humans. He doesn't even actually save anybody, he just kills demons because it's the only people he can kill. He creates the buffybot out of his obsession with Buffy, and she rewards him for it. He doesn't go out and save people on his own, he kills demons on his own. He doesn't begin a path to redemption and keep trying to do right. He manipulates Buffy into spending time together "fighting evil" to expose Riley and stands outside her house so long he leaves piles of cigarettes. When he keeps Joyce and Dawn safe, it's to impress Buffy. It's not really about Joyce and Dawn. Sure, he likes them, but if they weren't an extension of Buffy, he wouldn't care about them nearly as much. He has no path to redemption, no reckoning with who he used to be, no guilt even. With a soul he mocks Robin, and wears his dead mother's jacket. Angel was ANGUISHED over what he'd done before. Spike tries to rape Buffy, then gets a soul to punish her. He never truly apologizes or is forced to confront what he did to Buffy. The scoobies aren't even allowed to be mad at him over it, much less make him work for their forgiveness. Buffy just lets it all slide. Then he self immolates and he's a champion? Where's the path to goodness? Where's the redemption? Where's the amends? Angel has an entire episode dedicated to making amends. Spike? Lol.

So all that to say, I don't think him becoming a Champion is any more earned or deserved than I think it made sense for Cordelia to suddenly take Buffy's place cuz she got visions.

[lynxthewolf1]

Wrote this at like 2am yesterday and I’m feeling sappy so screw it I’m gonna be sappy for a second. This probably gonna be a lot of me repeating myself I tried my best to make this coherent but this post is long and it’s almost 2am again

I don’t think it’s fully processed that fables story is over but when it does hit im gonna be sad but until and after then Im so thankful for being able to meet the people I have through Fable Smp. If any friends/moots I’ve met though fable sees this y’all are so cool and I’m so glad I got to met you. If someone told me when I started watching fable I would be as active in the community as I am even tho I’m a lurker who occasionally appears to ramble about my thoughts and feel so at home here I would’ve thought ur lying and honestly teared up at the thought a community like that could exist. Now I can sit here teary eyed knowing I found that place and people I can talk 2 who get the emotional pain that is fable smp. Also they’re all just neat and fun to hang out with and talk to.

I was in a really dark place when I found fable and ended up gravitating a lot to certain characters I related to a lot at the time Caspian and c!Athena mainly. Seeing there stories progress and the characters get through what they have gave me the confidence to deal with my own personal stuff and situation. I remember watching my first stream it was ether S1 Halloween or a bit after that seeing it the whole way through has been such an incredible and emotional experiences of trying not to cry and rooting so hard for these characters to have one nice thing. Through this community I found a the safe space and in a sense that I gave up looking for. Thank you to the cast for giving me and so many others a safe space and comfort series and characters that we can watch to get through the hard times and representing not just minorities but struggles that aren’t shown often and the different ways it effects people.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe the feeling of Rae and Caspian show not telling the fact they’re Demi and going “they’re like me! It’s not just a me thing there’s a name for it??” And feeling so seen. After being called weird and broken for what I found out was because I’m demiromantic aroace was such a moment I remember being so excited because for once I didn’t feel broken. It felt like if a fictional character I relate to is Demi then why should I care what other people think of how I feel about people. Whisper duo was my wake up call to my own situation with my “friends” that I needed at the time and overall this series showed me how much family isnt blood it’s the family you make and I found a home in this community as a lurker who sometimes appears to ramble on Tumblr and go back to the void.I wanted to feel seen and fable did that through its characters.

Thank you to the cast for making a series and community that so many people can enjoy and characters who feel like call outs even tho anytime I relate to a character in any way I take 1d6 physic damage (/j) and a safe space for people who was looking for it or found it by accident and now we’re in the rabbit hole. I don’t plan on leaving this fandom I’m gonna continue to rewatch fable and just cry about it. For prob not the finale time my counsler and friends will be hearing about how much fable Smp has changed my life for the better /pos.

[trans-spidey]

Is it purely platonic to call me like, every night?

Summary: Mulder has a nightmare and calls Scully in the middle of the night for help.

Wordcount: 770

You can also read here!

A/N: 'sup! this is my first fic in this fandom and therefore it might not be brilliant yet but practice and all that I was rewatching s1 while writing so this may kinda have s1 vibes/be influenced by that yes the title is from a conan grey song but i just saw it on pinterest and the line reminded me of them

Her phone was ringing.

Her phone was ringing and she was going to kill him.

Scully moved her head slightly, fumbling for her phone before bringing it to her ear, “I’m going to kill you.” She hadn’t even found the motivation to open her eyes yet, but she knew she was going to kill him. A small laugh came from him on the other side of the phone, a little crackly but him all the same.

“I mean it Mulder, if this is an x-file, at—” She paused, finally cracking her eyes open to see her clock, red numbers staring her in the face, 2:47 almost burning her eyes in the inky blackness of her bedroom, “at quarter-to-three in the morning, then I’m going to kill you even more.”

“It isn’t an x-file,” He promised, pausing with a small yawn that she almost recognized from cases. It was the little suppressed yawn, where he didn’t want to reveal how tired he truly was, where he only wanted to keep talking to her about anything in particular, rather than falling asleep.

“Mulder, we have work in about five hours. Is there any way this can wait until we’re in the office?” She rubbed her eyes, letting them fall shut again after a moment. She knew he wouldn’t be talking about anything too important or work-related, or that if it was, he’d bring it up again once they were in the office.

There was a pause almost long enough where if it was any other person she’d assume they’d fallen back asleep, however this was Mulder. “Yeah, we can talk tomorrow.” Scully could hear a small smile in his voice, she could hear the odd shift in his voice.

The pause lasted longer this time, neither of them hung up, even though a sense of finality seemed to come with Mulder’s words.

“What’s going on?” Her voice stayed simple and quiet. Every night since she’d gotten home he’d found some reason to call her, some reason to show up at his apartment. She hadn’t brought it  up—neither of them had—she’d assumed it would settle and she found no need for the awkward conversation if there was no point to it.

However now it was almost 3am again, and she was so close to dozing again, lay sideways and letting her phone balance on her ear carefully so that she could remain curled up under her duvet and cozy and she needed to know what was going on with him, so that they could both finally get some rest.

“What d’ya mean?”

She knew he was likely on his couch—she didn’t think he actually even used that bed of his—and that there was a high probability that he hadn’t even changed from his work clothes.

“Mulder,” She said, almost forcing a more stern tone in her voice, hoping that further poking would get him to actually speak to her. “You know what I mean, talk to me or I’m going back to sleep.” She knew that he likely knew that was an empty threat, she didn’t care though. There was the possibility she was going to fall asleep by accident anyway on the phone to him.

Silence rang out again.

“I needed to know you were still here.” The simplicity of the statement hung heavier than anything he could’ve said and it clicked.

“I’m here.” She said, her voice returning to the more gentle tone, “I’m not going anywhere, Mulder.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” She repeated. “But I am hoping to go to sleep, however, if it’s any comfort to you, I can leave the phone on until you fall asleep. So you know I’m still here,” She suggested.

“You don’t have to Scully, I don’t mind leaving you to sleep. It was stupid and I know you’re okay—I know you’re there.” He sounded almost defensive.

“I know, but just so you can sleep.” She argued, despite having absolutely no energy to argue and hoping that he was also tired enough that he’d simply cave. He’d been plagued with nightmares as long as he knew her—probably longer—but since her abduction he seemed to be barely sleeping—if at all. She wasn’t certain this could help, but she got the feeling this would ease his worries at least slightly.

“You sure you’ll be able to sleep too?”

“If I can’t, I will hang up on you.”

“Alright,” He laughed slightly and softly, “Goodnight, Scully.”

“Goodnight, Mulder.”

She focused on his soft breathing on the other end of the line as she peacefully drifted back to sleep.

[rocco-ko]

Unpopular opinion, probably, but I don’t think Aziraphale’s “I forgive you” was said just because Angel believed that he was fundamentally right while Crowley wasn’t. He didn’t “forgive” Crowley for messing with his already fucked up moral compass (and minisodes only confirmed it). That was true about “may you be forgiven” scene at the bandstand in s1, but not in the “we can go off together” moment and definitely not in the after-kiss bit. I rewatch those moments again and again but it doesn’t feel like forgiveness.

In the Bible, true forgiveness means forgiving everyone, every time, of everything, as an act of obedience and gratefulness to God. The Bible teaches that unselfish love is the basis for true forgiveness. But if Aziraphale’s “I forgive you” means love, why is it hopeless then? Aziraphale is on the crossroads. He had always been. He is so very lost. That’s why all he says is “My dear, please! Understand me! I love you… but I’m devoted to God” (“I forgive you”)

[lou-iz-stat]

Well I got to episode 5 in my IWTV S1 rewatch…

Truthfully I probably won’t say much about this episode since there is so much of it in season 2 that I think will be revisited. On top of that I am at the end of my semester at school so I probably won’t say much because of that too. Also out of all of the episodes of s1 this the episode that I have seen the least.

But we still have 3 more weeks until season 2 where I have no doubt that s1 will be tame when compared to it. I’m getting more and more nervous each week not going to lie.

Ok… here we go!

IWTV S1 E5: A Vile Hunger for Your Hammering Heart

The episode starts with Daniel reading Claudia’s diary and how she records the last words of the people she kills.

But then Daniel is interrupted by Louis feeding on ‘Rashid’. It is pretty nasty for Louis and Armand to do this in front of Daniel. He even reads his mind to try and throw Daniel off his game. I notice that whenever Daniel tries to talk about something negatively about Claudia, Louis will always try to do something to throw Daniel off that even holds through in the ‘Paris sucks’ clip we have in s2.

It’s funny that Armand tells Daniel he would not let him anywhere near his neck. He must still be mad at Daniel for something maybe Devil’s minion related? 👀

Then we go back to 1923 where Louis thinks that she has gone on a hunger strike because of Charlie but Lestat knows that she is just escaping when they have to go feed. Since they are so similar Lestat knows that Claudia would not skip out on meals.

Also the line “I know what I’d do, but you cut my hands off.” Like!!!!! Fucked up Nikki reference. 😭

Also Lestat reading the diary and the dairy being so graphic ugh… 🤢

Everything is just such a mess… oh boy… with all the bodies coming up

And of course Tom Anderson is trying to distract Loustat since the Police chief is there in the speakeasy.

I feel so much anxiety with all the cops in their home! And Claudia is not helping! 😬

There are still some comical bits such as the “We sell… incinerators.” Louis’s little shrug at Lestat. “To various American cities.” The delivery is actually very funny.

Also what’s funny is Claudia’s acting when the cop opens her door. Her face when she drops the blanket and the closet door opens to show the rotting man.

But all the fun and games stop when the cop is homophobic.

Yes Lestat is a jerk and treats Claudia like shit and still sees Antoinette so Claudia only feels like she has to leave.

Also establishing that Claudia is unable to turn people is a great thing to set up now.

And even though it’s heartbreaking I do love that Claudia gets mad at Louis for not just taking her to a hospital but made Lestat turn her into this monster. Bailey’s acting is just so perfect here.

We go back to Dubai and Daniel is telling Louis some harsh truths about what the public could do with Claudia. Yikes

And their home turns into a ruin after they wake up from their long nap

Man…Fuck Bruce

The part where Louis makes Daniel’s Parkinson’s go out of control as always annoyed me even if Daniel was stepping out of bounce it just never sat right to me. And of course Armand is there to ‘calm Louis down’

We go back once again and we see the scene of Louis saying his final goodbye to Grace and his makes Claudia come home after everything.

Lestat is such a bitch when she comes home. I understand what he is trying to do but it’s just all wrong.

And the fight happens. We will revisit what happened during the fight in the coffin room that we don’t get to see. But as an indication by some parts of the trailer we have already seen a glimpse of it. Hopefully the writers handle it well…

Also the during the drop scene it sounds a lot like what Armand said to Lestat before pushing him off a tower in TVL so I guess we’ll see what comes of it.

Okay good got through that one. Now I can get back to some class work lol.

I cannot believe that we are now 3 weeks away from seeing the premier for season 2 and for some of you, you will be seeing it in about a week and a half. Good luck to the NYC people that get to see it early.

[hawkai2406]

Guess who finally could watch Psycho Pass Providence

Yes it’s about me 🤣

I’ve been already 9 years into the fandom and considering how many other fandoms I’m in, Psycho Pass always remains as one of my top of the tops -alongside Shingeki no Kyojin-.

What’s more important is that when I rewatched lately some series I enjoyed during my late teens/early twenties, I found them just „different” from my first or second views a few years ago. And Psycho Pass, especially season 1, is one of the few constant titles that I’m regularly going back to. Of course I changed my views on some plot points and/or characters through the years, but they still make sense to me, some of them even more than before (*cough*for example Mika Shimotsuki*cough*)

(For the context: I mean that I rewatch it literally every year, seriously, it’s like it’s became part of my genetics that whenever it’s October/November - the months I’ve seen s1 for the first time - I get that feeling that I need to rewatch the series AGAIN 😂 I often omitted S2 from watching again but hey, this year I saw it for the second time so I guess that counts as a success 🤣)

But back to Providence - I think that I need a proper rewatch before my -final- opinion, even though I spoiled myself with most events when the movie came out in May.

Now all I can say is that I find some things differently than the fandom right after the premiere and that for me it feels like it’s a transition chapter between, let’s say, Psycho-Pass Part 1 (from S1 to Sinners of the System series) and Psycho-Pass Part 2 (S3 and First Inspector) - probably just how it should be viewed if it has both old and the new cast, lol 🤣 but the „transition” part really hit me after credits rolled on my TV screen.

Okay, rambling’s off, I just needed to get it out of my system 😂

Also excuse my english, I’m out of practice and also I’m sick so my brain isn’t working like it should atm

[stripedtabbycat]

since I’m rewatching gravity falls rn I thought I’d make a post about my thoughts so far. (I wanted to start on August 31 which is dipper and mabel’s birthday but I ended up starting on September 1 instead. watching 1 episode a night and challenging myself to do the credits code each time)

under a cut because this will probably get long:

first of all this show is so funny. not all the jokes hold up but I really enjoy its sense of humor in general

i remember liking the second season better than the first and not just because it’s more overarching plot-driven, I just think the plot is a little more focused and the characters and their relationships are more solidified

I love seeing the development of Stan bonding with the kids over time. I noticed in “carpet diem” (the season 1 body swap episode) he’s commending dipper (who is really Mabel trying to turn him against dipper) for finally standing up to him and the next episode is the best we see them get along all season. it’s nice but still done in a funny/weird way that fits the show’s tone

dipper and mabel are siblings of all time. I love how clearly the show establishes how well they get along and work together and how often they’re goofin around and having fun at the beginning of episodes and how realistic their teasing and bantering and bickering feels…if you hate on mabel you’re wrong btw

i appreciate that the show doesn’t need to bluntly state the lesson we’re supposed to learn at the end of each episode but still has clear themes for each one. i also like when they kind of have a subverted/parodied version of a typical cartoon moral like in the truth teeth segment of “bottomless pit” when the expected lesson of “sometimes a small lie is okay” turns into “sometimes you have to let your uncle lie to the cops so he doesn’t get arrested for regularly committing tax fraud”

that said sometimes i’m a little :/ at the conclusions of certain episodes. I try not to harp on this bc I think part of what drives the more intense discourse about kids’ cartoons is the idea that they have to be teaching good messages to their target audiences, or at least not teach them harmful ones. I don’t think all kids’ shows should be Wholesome and Morally Edifying but sometimes you’re like. oh this is imparting a particular viewpoint I don’t love

anyway I’m just thinking about how “fight fighters” seems like it’s going to be about how physically fighting over petty relationship jealousy is dumb and immature but instead it kinda comes off like dipper has to learn “you have to fight your own battles” which…idk. I could be misinterpreting

then again I just watched “the love god” which tries to raise the interesting dilemma of “is it right/okay to meddle in others’ relationships [using magic or not] if they genuinely end up happier?” but given all the baggage around using love potions in fiction you can tell they had to walk that back a little in journal 3. I don’t think the element of “it actually wears off after a few hours” would have undermined the question too much but whatevs.

(i will say that stan in dreamscaperers saying he's hard on dipper to toughen him up kind of gets questioned later when we see the stans' backstory and it's clear their dad was not actually that great of a guy. room for interpretation there too i guess)

another reason I like season 2 better is because the show is finally done with the dipper/wendy crush plot that really dragged down parts of s1 imo. mostly because it felt like dipper had to learn that a relationship between them wasn’t happening a number of times before the show definitively said it and it lead to some of those dubious episode conclusions.

(whenever people claim that mabel was selfish and dipper always had to sacrifice things for her sake I just think…most of the time what he was “sacrificing” was a chance to impress wendy or spend more time with her, and I feel like this is more a problem with that aspect of the show than anything else)

(ALSO when people say there are too many "mabel's crush of the week" subplots - i never really got that impression? when she's going over her failed summer romances i realized there were only like, 4 episodes up to then where there was a plot about her liking a guy and it didn't feel overdone to me. however that's also why i was disappointed with her part of "northwest manor mystery" because i thought we were done with that. i guess they figured she and pacifica had already had their bonding episode in "the golf war" but i still wish she got to be involved with the main plot in that episode, even if i mostly liked it. kind of felt like the writers couldn't think of anything else for her to do)

anyway back to positive thoughts! I really appreciate the show’s creativity with the supernatural elements especially when they need a way to do a standard fantasy cartoon trope. need to shrink the characters down to miniature size? crystals that change the size of things that get caught in the light they refract! need to do a body swap? how about a carpet that swaps your electrons when you static shock someone? time travel? the time machine is in the form of a tape measure. they can get pretty outside of the box and it’s always cool

i also like the balance of humor and (kid-friendly) horror it engages in. there are a number of moments throughout the show that seem like a sudden intrusion of sheer horror but because of their suddenness and (relative) over-the-top nature they’re also really funny. I’m thinking of dipper opening the convenience store freezer and seeing a horrifying brain monster, the summerween trickster eating a kid, bill cipher summoning “a head that’s always screaming” and its skin peeling off (or like. anything he does in that episode), a lot of moments from the shorts like the island head in “the tooth” or the ending of “lefty”…

this show is i think a lot of people's first experience with a cartoon that has overarching continuity and encourages the viewers to analyze it for clues to the greater plot and i love how it does that. also love how it still works as a show even if you're not actively looking for clues to the mystery. they knew full well how much the fandom was engaging with it and both the show and supplementary material are just chock-full of details that really reward repeat viewings in a way that very few other children's shows do.

i did a pretty good job keeping track of the end credits codes in season 1 but by season 2 i had to just look up on the wiki what the vigènere key words were because i don't have the time to scour the whole episode for those sorry. especially when they get more and more hidden throughout the season. i'm still proud of myself for figuring out how to decode those messages using the grid of all the letters though

i think i first caught up with this show right when "not what he seems" was airing and now that's next up on the schedule. it's a very different experience watching the episodes all in a row and not having to wait at least two weeks between each one lol. on the plus side it gave the fans plenty of time to pick over every episode and theorize like hell

final thoughts: i love that a disney channel kids' cartoon devoted an entire extra-long episode to the surprisingly realistic and sad backstory of the main kid characters' great-uncles, one of whom had mostly been a comedic side character for the first season, and it's fantastic. once i'm done with this i cannot wait to get my hands on the book of bill

[divinekangaroo]

furthering the tommy-sexuality dialogue with @deadendtracks and this post and this post:

“Did you see Grace and Tommy's first sex scene in s1 and their reunion sex scene in s2 as overly performative?” / “When I was thinking about this I kept coming back to the first two sex scenes we have with Grace, though -- where imo we do see him leaning into surrender, intimately and sexually. I don't know if it's a total loss of control, but he's certainly not avoiding it in my view. I think the whole reason he fell for Grace is that he *did* feel that surrender of intimacy with her, that vulnerability. And it's in distinct contrast to every other sex scene we get from him after that.”

That’s a good point – I’ll need to rewatch to double check, they were filmed differently to other sex scenes, too, even May's softer sex scene. (the camera was so focused on May it was clear it was about her...) (And there’s something in my head telling me there’s some very distorted/unpleasant film-technique callbacks to the S1 scene in what happens with Diana that I should probably chase to see if they really existed too.)

With the little that I do remember, S1 I had a sense he was performing as if for himself (unable to remember intimacy) until instinct took over and the performative sense disappeared. Given he lost Greta just prior to the war (his sole intimate relationship if we assume his brothers’ joking means he wasn’t really one with lots of girls) then had a one-off with Zelda then (judging by Duke’s age) immediately went off to war, he probably didn’t have a lot of experience being intimately connected with women? Lots of prostitutes and fleeting actions through and post war and not much else. So that first scene feels like he’s kind of unpacking/realising/*feeling* again through the action.

S2, my memory of the conversation and the leadup leaves me with a sense of something far more performative than S1 – but again, more for himself than for Grace. Almost a sense of proving something to himself (or Campbell, who knows). There’s too much bite in the leadup, that the sex itself felt like a necessary ‘tick box’ in some list he had going from the moment she returned. I think, there was no intimation Grace would stay with him, no baby, no ongoing intimacy to expect and to allow himself to fully let loose in the understanding his vulnerability would be compensated by an ongoing relationship, I’m just left with that sense that S2 sex was…proving something. It had much more of an edge than S1, S1 I’m left with much softer and intimate impressions.

---

“What do you make of that first sex scene with Lizzie in 2.01? I have thoughts of my own but I'm curious about how it fits into your understanding of Tommy & sex, beyond the need to avoid intimacy and the physical release. Because it's quite a strange scene if you look at the way he seems to be completely dissociated, he doesn't seem to even really be there.”

I have had multiple goes at unpacking this for myself over time especially given he then has the typewriter scene with Lizzie, and none satisfy me XD so take even this with a great dusting of salt. Any insight I would be very interested in reading!

Important for me: the joint context of Polly having just reminded Tommy to get over Grace, and him having to walk out immediately after the sex with Lizzie to assassinate that man.

That first S2 assassination seemed such a major moral trauma point for him: I think it’s often overlooked because…it’s just killing some rando dude right? But what it actually meant for him was huge when you look at his rage/terror around the entrapment. In S1, he’s partially brought all that shit on himself by holding the guns, and he acknowledges that and moves through it, but this S2 assassination – it’s repeated, his whole Chosen One loop, why me? He asks more than once, Why me – he really, really hurts, he is really really angry. The ability to get away from being used to kill, but then being locked back into it against his will.

So there’s this joint ‘get over Grace, Tommy, right now’ (because you will never have grace, either the person or the concept) = just fuck some other woman where it doesn’t mean anything, and ‘I’m being used [like a prostitute, for other people’s wants] and can’t get out of it because of who I am’ = he…calls in a prostitute and uses her, because….???? He’s projecting??? He’s angry? He doesn’t know how else to try to move through that or rationalise that being used?

I have such a sense he’s almost *forcing* himself to do it. Again, like proving something to himself. From Lizzie’s words (and how warm the two of them are in the typewriter scene) I have to assume they’ve had a relatively amicable paid sexual relationship, and Tommy’s definitely acting different in that particular scene. So if it’s a sharply different encounter to the usual and given the context: it’s almost as if he’s forcing himself to do it to remind himself that this is what we/I do, just fuck, there’s money, get it done.

Almost an image of himself in that bent-over position taking it and taking the money and taking what it gives him, but having to *take it* first. Kill the man, take the trade, move on. Be fucked, take the cash, move on. It’s not really about pleasure or release before a risky venture that might kill him. It’s not even about Lizzie at all, or a comment on his prior (or upcoming) connection with Lizzie. A reminder to himself about being used, the way certain disadvantaged people are always used no matter what they actually want, the way he feels about being used that way. And a very strong reminder at the end when Lizzie outreaches for connection that you take the money and treat the exchange as a transaction.

While Lizzie has her personal reasons/infatuation/desire for connection for that scene to be sad, at that point in time I don’t even think he’s thinking about her at front of mind at all. He has no room for her reactions/feelings at the front of his mind, which is totally full of his own anger/hurt/disassociation from the upcoming unpleasant task at that point. I do think his back of mind churns over her hurt/sadness, though, or he wouldn’t act the way he does to her in the typewriter scene. Did he feel regret, belatedly? Epsom as well, he gets regretful about using Lizzie, but only belatedly?

He seems to oscillate between using Lizzie like a tool/thing in S2, and perhaps the fact she was a prostitute means she’s coded in his head initially as that ‘sexual tool’, who can be used that way without concern. Then, these sorts of mental or emotional kicks he experiences that she is not, she is a person, and his attempts to reconnect and make up for it after.

Given Lizzie is the only one of Tommy’s lovers who is, by class and status, ‘less than’ Tommy, I think that ‘sexual tool’ coding and hierarchical coding is very strong in him. His focus on the symbols and manners of status and rank (and eventually money as his only agency when even his acquired rank doesn't deliver what he thought it would) suggest this quite entrenched hierarchical thinking as well. Something in his head which says those of lesser rank/status are used by those above, similar to how he is used.

So he uses Lizzie, not cruelly or unfairly in that desk scene given she is a prostitute then: she’s his only lover that he doesn’t have to perform with. He can have terrible sex, he doesn’t have to think about her pleasure, he doesn’t have to perform or satisfy her or try to influence her.

The typewriter scene, her status by S3, then S4, he consciously tries to lift her up and out of his default, ‘first thoughts’ coding and treatment of her as that sexual tool in fondness and liking/affection and recognition of her. But I also think it suggests much about his approach to sex/sexuality and how it intersects with class that this thinking of her as sexual tool does appear to be his first thoughts, it’s his second thoughts/later thinking that consciously go back on that first take.

Tangentially: I also think a lot of his behaviours with Lizzie are actually about what’s going on in himself, not about his feelings for her. She becomes a kind of substitute/blurry mirror where his actions and behaviours around her are him projecting what’s happening inside him. At the same time SK also writes Lizzie as an actual character with her own motivations for engaging with Tommy, and there’s that imbalance in what Tommy uses her for versus what she wants him for.

The physical and emotional mirroring they increasingly do over time, Lizzie actually mirroring him if not in sync, adds to this thinking. This Lizzie as a Tommy-distorted-mirror warps and shifts over time, but I think S2 in particular she’s almost this “sexual-tool / extension-of-himself” to be that mirror of him being used as a “killing-tool” where he has no choice, and he actively uses her that way in the sex scene and at Epsom.

This is one of those unformed/not properly unpacked niggles that stood out to me on rewatch, because of carrying the preconception of what happened in S5 with Mosley asking for Lizzie as a thing/a Tommy substitute – well, he actually did do that to Lizzie at Epsom, because he couldn’t do it himself. And this is quite different to his use of Grace where the intimacy/recognition is that he can’t do it because he doesn’t know what Grace actually is (except he knows she’s not a working class girl he can use); with Lizzie during the S1/S2, maybe even S3, he can use her this way, he doesn’t have the same hesitation he has with Grace.

---

“some of these might be considered trauma responses but my preference is to think he is/was always going to be this way *somewhat*#because he is this way.the particular traumas he went through were able to be framed in ways that allowed him to continue…for a while Also curious about this -- what do you think are the characteristics he has that were "always going to be this way"

The key ones:

- That he struggles with actually connecting deeply with people, reading sexual cues/flirtation, because he actually connects too deeply – he holds back to avoid embarrassment if he’s misread something. Some of this leads to an inclination to prefer sex that is openly a transaction (prostitutes) because it relieves any dialogue around intimacy or connection. He can treat sex as a physical need without having to think about the other.

- Deep connection is unrelated to sex, and that he’ll always look for deep connection with someone over the sex. If both, ok wonderful, but if the sex makes the connection complicated he’ll ditch the sex and find that elsewhere. (I really think of Alfie in this space.)

- Connection comes before physical/sexual attraction. People are physically neutral to him until he feels something for them first. For example, he couldn’t be seduced by a hot woman into a vulnerability in the way, say, Arthur or John probably could? I think of both Grace and Tatiana here. With Tatiana and no or limited connection, he pretty much flips her attempted seduction on its head and notwithstanding the essentially of them having ‘sex for the cause’, his sexual participation instead forges that double (is it triple by this point?) cross with her instead for their mutual benefit, rather than her sexual seduction exposing vulnerabilities in him for her people to exploit. With Grace, the connection comes well before the sex and it’s connection which exposes him/makes him vulnerable, not the sex.

[adhd-merlin]

merlin S1 rewatch: episode 8

this is a thing I was doing do you remember? do you remember this was a thing I was doing

it’s been like 3 months since I re-watched episode 8 (and 9!) so I’ve just re-re-watched it. Just now.

Would you let something terrible happen if it meant you'd stop something even worse happening in the future?

A fascinating ethical dilemma. Would you pull the lever in the trolley problem? Would you travel back in time and kill baby Hitler?

It isn't just Mordred’s life for Arthur’s, but Mordred’s life against the Golden Age and the freedom for magic people that Arthur is supposed to bring, so I understand why Merlin felt torn. There’s no clear-cut answer, which is what makes this storyline so compelling.

Anyway, let’s start with my main grievance – Mordred’s powers.

Merlin tells Gaius that he heard the Druid boy’s voice inside his head, to which Gaius replies:

Yes, I've heard of this ability. The Druids look for children with such gifts to serve as apprentices.

In this episode, Mordred mind-speech is a special ability that sets him apart from other children. By season 5, any random Druid can use it, to the point that Merlin is surprised when he tries to communicate with Daegal telepathically and the boy cannot hear him. The episode hints to Mordred’s magic being remarkable, even dangerous (like when he magically shatters a mirror in a fit of rage), but by season 5 Mordred barely even uses it.

I am fascinated by Mordred’s backstory and disappointed that the writers forgot their own set-up, or decided to ignore it. 

I only knew Asa Butterfield from Sex Education, so it was weird to see him as young Mordred. He did a good job at looking mysterious and vaguely threatening, though it must be said he spent most of the episode unconscious.

Who was the Druid accompanying Mordred? The Merlin Wiki transcript names him as Mordred’s father, which is not in the credits (where he's only named as “Cerdan”). I didn’t get father-son vibes from their interactions, but maybe it’s just me. My impression was that he was some kind of mentor. Apparently I saw Mordred and decided he was an orphan. Don't ask me why.

We see Arthur trying to challenge his father (in private) multiple times, but he still spends a good chunk of the episode as an antagonist. He searches for Mordred when his father demands it and he’s willing to let him die, even if he’s not pleased about it. It’s only when Morgana begs him that he caves in (30 minutes into a 43-minute episode).

Uther is a fascinating portrayal of an emotionally abusive parent. I wonder what he would have done if Morgana had “come out” to him – because he clearly cared for her, in his own fucked-up way. At least enough not to want her dead. Acceptance would have been out of the question, but I’m not sure he would’ve had her executed. Probably attempted to make her go through some kind of “conversion therapy”. He did keep Gaius as his physician after all, after making him vow never to use magic again (not that Morgana would ever have accepted it).

Now Arthur, I believe, would’ve accepted Morgana if she had told him she had magic. He’s so obviously fond of her, despite all the sibling bickering. 

We get the first mention of the name Emrys – from Mordred, then confirmed by Kilgharrah.

Morgana saying she couldn’t live with herself if anything happened to Gwen or Merlin is such a !!!! statement considering what will happen later in the series

You are a guard of Camelot minding your own business when suddenly someone knocks you out. Just an ordinary Tuesday. You don’t get paid enough for this.

Arthur telling Mordred (as he's freeing him from his cell) “Don't be scared. I've sent word to your people” -> HOW??? literally how. How does Arthur know where the Druids live. how did he get in contact with them. many such questions

Mordred glaring at Merlin when he finally comes to his rescue is so funny. “I had trouble getting out of the castle” he's like bitch you did NOT!

Mordred’s name drop at the end is so epic. Even if you aren’t familiar with Arthurian legends (I wasn't), the music and Kilgharrah’s warning to Merlin make this moment sufficiently ominous and tense (and if you already know who’s going to kill Arthur, you will have guessed the boy’s name already anyway)

Arthur returns Mordred to Iseldir. The next time we see young Mordred is in ep 2x03 (The Nightmare Begins) and then again in episode 2x11 (The Witch’s Quickening) — in neither of them he is with Iseldir anymore, though Iseldir is still alive, given he reappears in S3. WHAT HAPPENED. Mordred’s childhood is a compelling mystery. I like the idea of there being different Druid clans with different beliefs about Emrys and Arthur’s destiny – and possibly Mordred’s, too. Not every Druid recognises Merlin as Emrys or thinks of him as a savior, after all (see Sefa and Kara). Is this why Mordred was (perhaps?) abandoned by Iseldir? Did he find out something about Mordred's role in Arthur's death? It’s an interesting idea. To me.