#resorting to actual homophobia

[idiotsonlyevent]

im sorry but i really do think all of the 'yuri is better than yaoi,' 'yaoi is eating from a garbage can and yuri is a michelin star meal,' 'this would be better if its yuri' ... 'jokes' have 100% allowed actual homophobes to exist, and in some cases even thrive, in fandoms

[lesbianamalvada]

are you a fucking moron? obviously they arent saying they want to be a dog/cat. please kill yourself.

@bluebarrymastochism I know this is u don't act like u got any friends 😂. The audacity to act like a clown and then turn it back on me for pointing it out. You say I have "internalized hatred" or am angry or whatever, but I don't feel the need to call people slurs when they lightly clown on me. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[arisu-alisa-alice]

𝓒𝓪𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓲𝓷𝓮 𝓪.𝓴.𝓪 𝓒𝓪𝓽𝓱𝔂, 𝓒𝓪𝓲𝓽, 𝓑𝓵𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓮 𝓒𝓪𝓽

[boypussydilf]

i also had forgotten that katze Literally calls hajime a bitch. with the english word. that shouldnt be funny but it extremely is

[bastard-sweet]

why do leftists always have one area they’re completely mask off in. from minimising fatphobia (and/or being outright fatphobic), to using “gay” as an insult, to saying being trans is defined by gender dysphoria, to subconsciously always favouring the whites in fandom and saying “why can’t you just let people enjoy things” when called out, to deciding asexuality or polyamory or enbies are “cringe” identites: why the hell are leftists some of the worst bigots I’ve ever had to deal with?

[audioroleplayconfessions]

i dont want to reveal my identity (youll see why in a sec lol) so im saying this here rather than my main account cause im relatively well known in redacted tumblr (annnd im a pussy and this is sort of weighing on me a bit).

i dont know how to say it but there are these chats?? like mainly on discord and instagram and i think some other places too (idk i dont have twitter or x or whatever but i think theres one there too) where people have lists of these accounts they dont like and resolve to 'punish them'. im sure im explaining this terribly but i cant really say much without the people in these chats instantly knowing who i am and adding me to their insane hate pile puritan police bullshit.

i got added to one of the discord chats in august by a mutual from a redacted server i was in (not the main one like some fan one from tumblr) and genuinely? it is fucking insane. think genuine csi shit. like sorting people into who supports 'problematic ships' and 'supports problematic characters' or who are 'rape apologists' or even just 'icky' and genuinely allocating certain people to harass and threaten them. and i mean seriously organising. as in scheduling when to spam anons or making hate posts or trying to work out their real identities to 'drill the lesson in' (actual quote).

whats worse is that many bigger accounts in the fandom are in these chats. like people ive been friendly with for months (if not years) who i thought were cool, but then act completely different there. i wont name drop or anything, mainly to respect the rules of this blog and preserve my own identity (cause god knows they dont deserve that after some of the shit theyve said and done), but if youre in redacted tumblr, you defintely know at least some of them. 100% you do.

ive gone out of my way to warn some of these accounts ive seen on there frequently (so if you got an anon warning you about these chats hello!! its me!!) but i cannot understate how fucking crazy they are. not only do these supposed 'progressive accepting people' resort to misogyny, transphobia, homophobia and racism (esp this one, jesus the slurs) towards any account they dont like, they also genuinely view themselves as these insane moral authorities set on 'cleansing the fandom of the filth' (another actual quote from one of the discord chats. i genuinely had to take a lap after reading it bc it was so cringe and insane it physically hurt)

i swear im telling the truth with this btw, i know it sounds so stupid and unbelievable but i just needed to get it out of my system because ive been lurking in this chat and i feel kinda responsible for all the hate these poor people are getting, since im not standing up against them. so to anyone whos received heavy hate for 'problematic opinions' im really fucking sorry man. i shoulda tried to put a stop to it but there were so many big accounts there i was afraid of getting ostracised from the community or targeted myself.

anyway, point is. be careful. watch ur faves. and god, everyone in this moral brigade stop being so fucking demented. youre making this unfun for everyone.

(thank you for giving a space for me to speak about this btw bc i genuinely dont know how i wouldve told people widescale otherwise. i really appreciate the space you provide for us all <33 )

.

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

„why are radical feminists always talking about male violence? women can be violent too“

listen. violence will always exist because it is not (just) a gendered issue. even in a non-patriarchal society, there will be violence, because its sadly human nature to some degree. we as a society should strive to reduce violence. for that, we need to figure out why people become violent and how to prevent it, and how to protect potential victims, and how to intervene and stop violence that is already taking place.

in a patriarchal society, male violence is incentivised, fostered, legitimised, and even protected. female violence is not.

violence is essential for most conceptions of masculinity; the ability and will to enact violence to restore your or your familys honour, for example. that is not expected of women. the military is a male institution, meant to defend and protect; reflecting mens supposed role in the patriarchy to defend and protect (with violence if needed). women are the creators of life, meant to be nurturing, passive. being aggressive is unfeminine - its masculine. men who are not aggressive/violent enough are actually chastised by other men and sometimes even women (for example being called pussy, gay, which is demeaning in a patriarchal context). a man hitting his woman is considered right and normal still in a lot of milieus and cultures, and has been for the longest time. a man enacting violence is living up to his manliness, other men respect him for it most of the time, especially if its against women or even other men. gang violence is another good example of this: men not bound to law will resort to violence.

the patriarchy needs male violence: the constant threat of male violence keeps women in our meant role as submissive and small, and other men in a constant need to prove themselves, keeping the cycle of violence going. so women need men to protect us, from other men. and we accept and excuse mistreatment and disrespect by men.

and then there is sexual violence which men are already more predisposed to enact because they have a penis, and a penis can reach orgasm by penetration whether that be forceful or not. and then the patriarchy enforces this through phallocentrism, through a culture of treating the penis as a weapon, as superior, as a tool that can dirty and undignify others. as a means of enacting violence. this is not the case for vaginas, they are reduced to just „holes“. penetration and how its treated is a key element of the patriarchy. homophobia stems from this too: penetrating someone is treated as an act of domination, and its supposed to be men dominating women this way, which means men being penetrated are „lesser“ men or even considered feminine.

this is why we need separatist options. single sex spaces, especially when girls and women are in an intimate or vulnerable position there. to protect. this is why we talk about male violence, to uncover the roots, how it is ignored, downplayed, and even encouraged and justified, which leads to violence. female violence is sometimes not taken seriously because it is not meant to exist, it is against feminine gender roles and how women are supposed to act in the patriarchy. which means if gender was abolished - which radical feminists are striving for - this issue would be solved with it.

[whetstonefires]

So like, I'm pretty darn sure Mo Xuanyu did not actually make a pass at Jin Guangyao.

For several reasons, like for one thing hitting on your own actual brother who is also your boss is genuinely insane behavior, in a way nothing else we know about the guy actually matches, other than his reputation for being crazy which mostly seems to originate from the same point as the sexual harassment allegations. which tracks because even with rampant societal homophobia, that's such a crazy thing to do people would question it if it didn't come paired with the information that he's insane.

Then there's the fact that if that had actually happened, there's basically no way master spin artist jgy would have let it get out, because actually experiencing that would trigger his sense-of-uncleanliness issues so hard.

But what we see is that somehow Everyone Knows that it happened, but also that Jin Guangyao totally didn't tell anyone, because he's too merciful and kind and respectable. It just mysteriously leaked somehow that this private scandal happened.

(Also, to step up a meta level, the gay goth kid who was never quite accepted into his own family and wound up self-destructing was in fact guilty of the homophobic allegations spread by the powerful man who manipulates reputation for personal advantage? This is not the kind of story where that would be true. The thematic dissonance is too much.)

The only way it's believable that mxy made a move on jgy is if jgy spent a long time maneuvering him into it, hinting and deniably flirting and just generally being maximum skeeze, just a huge elaborate incestuous honeypot, just to bait a 'ruined reputation' trap. Which makes no sense at all.

I don't think jgy is necessarily above that kind of creepy grooming behavior but I do think he would hate it, and definitely wouldn't resort to it when sowing rumors would work just as well. and expose him to less risk.

So Mo Xuanyu didn't do it.

So what we've got is that Jin Guangyao systematically obliterated this kid's credibility.

No one would listen to anything he said after being expelled in that sort of context, especially anything against Jin Guangyao, whom he now has obvious motive to smear. This was a preemptive strike against some kind of leak.

It's exactly the kind of thing jgy would do--it targets individual vulnerability, leverages the weak points in Mo Xuanyu's reputation into gaping chasms, in a way that associates jgy with scandal but makes him personally look better. also shows signs of jgy projecting his own issues onto others. The MO fits.

And his motive is easy to construct: Mo Xuanyu had had access to his secrets, such as Wei Wuxian's manuscripts and probably a lot of the other ugly shit. And Jin Guangyao needed him silenced, due to some thing or other, but as with SiSi didn't want to have to kill him.

(A fascinating thing about jgy as a villain is the moments where he yields to sentiment pretty consistently contribute to his destruction.)

But then we come around to: so why didn't Mo Xuanyu sic Wei Wuxian on Jin Guangyao, then?

In cql wwx does have a curse cut for jgy, to keep him in the plot and create an additional open storyline to resolve, since viewers are gonna be denied romantic catharsis, but in cql the homophobia plotline isn't there because all the gay is censored, and mxy allegedly hit on qin su instead. which is less utterly unhinged to do though still big wtf.

In the book, mxy summoned the Yiling Patriarch just to kill the Mos. (Which he didn't even do lmao.)

So I've always been sort of poking at that, like if you're destroying your own soul to get revenge, why spare the person who deliberately ruined your life?

Even if he had done the thing, it was weird! Maybe even weirder; if you're in a headspace where making sexual advances anyone should be able to predict are unwelcome seems like a good idea in the first place, there's a pretty good chance getting punished for them isn't going to make you think you were in the wrong. Otoh there is a zone where he could have done it, gotten the backlash, cleared his head a bit, realized it was fucked up to do, and therefore not held a grudge in that particular direction, but it's still weird. (And also he definitely didn't do the thing.)

But if he was so angry, why was he not angry at Jin Guangyao? Who definitely kicked him out of the Sect, all else aside?

And then I looked at the passage in Jin sect where we swap to Jin Ling's pov and he tells us one of the few first-hand things we hear about Mo Xuanyu: He thought Jin Guangyao was the most amazing person in the whole world. He adored him.

And being betrayed and rejected by him didn't turn that into resentment. Even though he resented the other side of his family enough to want them gratuitously murdered.

So you know what I think happened?

I think Mo Xuanyu thinks it was an honest misunderstanding. That Jin Guangyao, his idol, falsely concluded that his gay little brother was creeping on him based on a misinterpretation of his admiring behavior, and was appropriately revolted. And that Mo Xuanyu doesn't blame him for it. He blames himself.

He went back to his mother's family to rot genuinely feeling like the ruination of his life was his own fault for being creepy. And died like that.

Because of that, to a considerable extent. How can you bend any of your will to saving yourself, to getting out of an abusive situation and seeking a better one, when you don't think you deserve to be saved?

Fucks me up.

[bloopitynoot]

9 "I birthed him myself!" WangXian Mpreg Fic List

This list was asked for by @yiling-laozu-is-loml but is open to all!!

Note: This list is made up of tried and true fics, meaning I have read them all and loved them. If you would like a specific rec list- send me a DM! I love putting together personalized lists. If you are shy, you can send anon too.

The ask:

Must have Wangxian Mpreg (they are the biological parents**!)

BottomXian only

no yin iron plot- book canon only

** okay, so yes, most of these - 6.5/9 (6.5 because there's a fic with mpreg but does the dream universe count?) - have them as the biological parents BUT I do have two fics that take the "I birthed him myself" gag and run with it (Read: the cultivation world truly believes Wei Wuxian birthed Lan Wangji's child).

Enjoy!!!

1 A Mother’s Curse (A Mother’s Blessing) (33516 words) by Eudoxia

Chapters: 1/1 Rating: Explicit Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Alpha Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji, Huli Jing, Huli Jing LWJ, Huli Jing WWX, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Curses, Case Fic, Animal Transformation, Arranged Marriage, Misunderstandings, No Sunshot Campaign (Modao Zushi), No Yīn Iron (The Untamed TV), Cloud Recesses Study Arc (Modao Zushi), ish, Shrek References, Very vague references, Because I couldn't resist…, LXC is a good brother! He tries so hard!!, Mentions of Ace LXC, Mentions of Ace WN, Background Relationships, Jiāng Yànlí/Jīn Zǐxuān - Freeform, Lan Xichen/Wen Ning, Jiang Cheng/Nie Huaisang/Wen Qing, AND NOW FOR THE SEX TAGS, Knotting, Rimming, Blow Jobs, Oral Sex, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mating Bites, Mating Bond, Size Kink, 69 (Sex Position), Mpreg, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji and Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian Have a Breeding Kink, Intersex Male Omegas, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, Cunnilingus, Squirting, Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji and Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian Have a Non-Con/Rape Kink, but no actual CNC/rape play occurs in this fic. It's only discussed., there is also discussions of monster fucking but no actual monster fucking, (Intersex Female Alphas also exist in this fic but it's literally not relevant at all.), (I just wanted y'all to know they exist), Translation Available, links in first author's note to Spanish translations Summary: To avoid an arranged marriage, Lan Wangji places a curse on himself, one that can only be undone by his soulmate. He knows his family—particularly the elders—are upset about it, but Lan Wangji will not marry someone he does not love. Or, huli jing Lan Wangji curses himself to be trapped in his fox form until his soulmate comes along to free him. Enter, Wei Wuxian.

NOTES: I ADORE this fic. I love any fic in which Madam Lan is alive and well and we have mythical hybrids. This one is so damn sweet, honestly good on Lan Zhan for setting his boundaries and sticking to them. The mpreg is really a little bonus (a/b/o pregnancy), it is mostly these two Huli Jins falling in love in a sweet little slowburn.

2 A Thousand Paths, a Single Mountain (138898 words) by RohansEarings

Chapters: 23/23 Rating: Explicit Characters: Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji, Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Original Child Character(s), Original Characters, Lan Huan | Lan Xichen, Lan Jingyi, Lan Yuan | Lan Sizhui, Jin Ling | Jin Rulan, Nie Huaisang Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Established Relationship, Domestic Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mpreg, Miscarriage, Fertility Issues, Guilt, C-Section, Period-Typical Homophobia, Trauma, Smut, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Porn with Feelings, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Hugs, Slice of Life Summary: Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji decide to settle down and start a family. It's harder than they thought it would be, but they're not alone in getting through it. They have each other.

NOTES: This story is lengthy and does have a good ending but getting there is very hurt/comfort. This features handwavy cultivation magic male pregnancy but as a last resort. A CW for homophobia (wangxian wants to adopt but because they are cutsleeves there is discrimination) and pregnancy loss that causes the characters significant distress. I do promise a happy ending though! The focus is very much mpreg of this story.

3 Vow (216627 words) by draechaeli

Chapters: 47/47 Rating: Explicit Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Mainly Novel with a few CQL and Donghua bits, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Temporary Character Death, WWXs dead for a lot of this, but he’s having fun, BeliefGod!WWX, Original Children Characters – Freeform, Adoption, Adoption but WWX birthed them all, Pregnancy Kink, Mpreg, minor male lactation, Consensual Non-Consent, Light Bondage, easy to skip nsfw chapters, brief crossdressing, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, because JGS, Mentions Canon Typical Incest, Canon Typical Violence Summary: “If you’re not good the Yiling Patriarch will steal you in the night!” It was never true, in fact the first child stole herself, the second was gifted, the third begged. By the time people realised that all the homeless children of Yiling, and all the daughters about to be sold had disappeared, it became, “If you’re unloved the Yiling Patriarch will save you.” Sometimes when you make a vow not even death can release you; as Xian-Gege the Eliminator of Evil, the Protector of the Weak, and the Saviour of Children finds out.

NOTES: okay you might be asking, "how do you have an mpreg story when the main character is dead basically the entire fic" I do not answer the question but I do respond "GodWWX/accidental God of Children- Xiangege". This story is very sweet and takes so many twists and turns. Lan Zhan is the most dedicated partner omg. At times it has very crack fic energy (enter the most bizarre dream scape pregnancy and wedding), but I promise it's a good read.

4 To Love And To Lose (and to gain again) (7979 words) by PotterheadAvengerDemigod

Chapters: 2/2 Rating: Not Rated Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alpha Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji, Omega Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Omega Verse, Parent-Child Relationship, Adopted Children, Cute, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, but i hope you guys like it anyway, honestly im not sure what to tag this, its just a self-indulgent fic where i get very confused with myself Series: Part 1 of Blue Blood Summary: Wei Wuxian wishes that he’d told Lan Wangji about the child. Maybe Zhenli would still be alive, then. The Gusulan Sect wouldn’t have let a child of one of their twin jades be killed, even if his mother was the Yiling Patriarch himself. /OR/ The self-indulgent one where I create a Wangxian lovechild and go nuts.

NOTES: This fic says it's under 10k words BUT it is part one of a 21 part series. In which WY has Lan Zhan's biological child (OC) as well as adopts a-yuan. Canon still happens and WY comes back. It has some angst, it has some fluff, and it has a happy ending! The other parts also contain an au of this au with a fix it- so if that interests you there is a LONG read ahead.

5 All I Want (47042 words) by Selenay

Chapters: 7/7 Rating: Explicit Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Mpreg, Post Holiday Romance, Consequences, Reunions, Idiots in Love, wangxian attempt to be sensible adults about it, they are very bad at it, Teacher Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Rating earned in later chapters, Handwavey Biology Summary: Wei Ying leaned a little closer. "The conversation we're having right now is about how it turns out I'm a bearer and we weren't careful and I'm not expecting anything from you, but now that you're here you should know that I'm…ah…you know…" "Pregnant," Lan Zhan said mechanically. "Pregnant," Wei Ying agreed. "You knocked me up, Lan Zhan. Sorry."

NOTES: A modern au with hand wavy biology. Lan Zhan, on a trip, knocks up WY unknowingly- finds him again later. WY sure is pregnant and Lan Zhan is definitely the father. The pining and miscommunication is so wild in this fic but the ending is solid!

6 Tied To The Ocean (51086 words) by NebulusCharlie

Chapters: 9/9 Rating: Not Rated Characters: Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji, Lan Huan | Lan Xichen, Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Madam Lan (Modao Zushi), Uncle Qiren A-Yuan Additional Tags: MerXian - Freeform, Mermaid/siren AU, Happy Ending, Fluffy Times, No Angst, eventual domestic bliss, First Kiss, Dating, Swimming, Identity Reveal, Tails, Mpreg, Merji, have to update the tags because things happened, Wedding, Children, Found Family Summary: Lan Zhan goes to visit his mother who lives by the sea. He gets swept away by the currents and MerXian saves him. But who is this boy-fish?

NOTES: This is the cutest story :'3 a little bit of Whump with Lan Zhan and his mom's relationship. it has mpreg, it has a wedding, it has supportive uncle lan qiren, includes wei yings parents(!!!!), AND it has mermaids!!! Super sweet, a little bit sad at times, but mostly sweet.

7 The Winner Takes It All (46781 words) by YilingSani

Chapters: 14/14 Rating: Mature Characters: Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, Lan Zhan | Lan Wangji, Lan Yuan | Lan Sizhui, Lan Qiren, Lan Huan | Lan Xichen, Lan Jingyi, Jin Ling | Jin Rulan, Jiang Cheng | Jiang Wanyin, Wen Qing (Modao Zushi), Wen Ning | Wen Qionglin, Nie Huaisang, Mo Xuanyu Additional Tags: Modern AU, Single Parent Wei Ying | Wei Wuxian, lan zhan doesn't know he has a son, Old Friends, One Night Stands, No Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Panic Attacks, Forgiveness, Second Chances, Inspired by Mamma Mia! (Movies), Teen Pregnancy, Mpreg, mention of miscarriage, Birth Trauma, amniotic fluid embolism Summary: "Wei Ying doesn't know why he ended up on this exact island. All he knows is that he's scared, alone and hungry. And with a child." ----- 18 years later Wei Yuan has grown into a proper young man, helping his Baba to run the hotel on the island. On the week of his wedding, Wei Yuan comes across Wei Ying's diary and decides to invite the man mentioned in it to the island, unaware of the consequences it will bring.

NOTES: The Mama Mia! AU I didn't know I needed. This story was incredible- light angst (but still some) and a relationship that finally comes together. It really follows much of the plot and A-Yuan is getting married! Who is his dad though....(jk it really can only be Lan Zhan).

BONUS FICS: "I birthed him myself!" (not really, but the cultivation world needs better sex ed).

8 Propagate Understanding (175626 words) by draechaeli

Chapters: 34/34 Rating: Explicit Additional Tags: Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Pregnancy Kink, Consensual Non-Consent, Light Bondage, Adoption, Adoption but WWX birthed them all, Mo Xuanyu Lives, Mò Xuányǔ has an arc, Original Children Characters - Freeform, Babies for Everyone, Crossdressing, Temporary Character Death, easy to skip nsfw chapters, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence Summary: A-Yuan was birthed by Wei WuXian, A-Yuan called Lan WangJi ‘Father’, A-Yuan had Lan WangJi’s nose! Was it the time that Wei WuXian took his forehead ribbon at the Wen Discussion Conference Archery Competition?—he’d have to ask Brother. As a physician, Wen Qing has to suffer fools constantly; if Lan WangJi is determined to be Wei WuXian’s baby daddy, she wasn’t going to stop him, especially if it could save them all. And if it leads to some misunderstandings on the topic of marriage and propagation—well, it is not Wen Qing’s fault if Lan WangJi became the world’s best and worst matchmaker, making sure that children everywhere had parents. Fic is finished at 34 chapters and about 175,000 words. But as I read through before posting chapters those numbers may fluctuate.

NOTES: I honestly may have already shared this fic but I'm not even upset by it because poor Lan Zhan LOL. Also Wen Qing deserves an oscar for her performance; the fact that the entire cultivation world truly believes Wei Ying birthed a-yuan, Lan Zhan's biological son is WILD. A fic about saving the wen's through the worlds biggest (but best) misunderstanding.

9 Assumptions (50943 words) by draechaeli

Chapters: 9/9 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Mainly Novel with a few CQL and Donghua bits, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Adoption, Adoption but WWX birthed them all, not mpreg, Not Established Relationship, But Shh… don't tell anyone, Fluff, Canon-Typical Violence, Fix-It, gender non-conforming titles Series: Part 1 of Induction Summary: The sects vote to use an array to spy on the Burial Mounds. The Jins want to show the evils of the Yiling-Laozu, the Jiangs hope everyone will see Wei WuXian the radish farmer. Lan XiChen felt guilty and sent Lan WangJi on a night hunt. They make assumptions when they see Wei WuXian having lunch with Lan WangJi and a toddler in Yiling. And sometimes assumptions don’t make an ass out of anyone, but save everyone.

NOTES: This is literally one of the funniest fucking things I have ever read. I am not even exaggerating. These two weirdos are over there being their adorable mpreg kink selves not knowing they are being watched by every great sect, their leaders, and the gods themselves in a live broadcast. This fic ft's Lan Qiren qi deviating in a corner, Lan Xichen and Jiang yanli planning a shotgun wedding, contracts flying across the room, lots of yelling, and Jin Guangshan having a VERY bad day. 100/10 recommend.

[lily-fics-11]

Good Luck, Babe! Part 2 (Ellie Williams, TLOU)

Good Luck, Babe! //Ellie Williams, TLOU//

Part 2 (Part 1 here)

(Inspired by Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan)

@dynsdiary made a post about Ellie x closet!reader Good Luck, Babe! by Chappell Roan and I couldn’t go to sleep without writing it so this is not super well edited. Then @fictionalgap mentioned a happy ending to I had to write a part 2 lol

Word count: 2k

CW: Profanities, allusions to sex, internalized homophobia, drinking, minimal editing 

With tears blurring your vision you watch Ellie leave. Her hands are in her pockets and she is walking with her usual swagger, but almost stomping, and at a quick pace. She should have done this a long time ago, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s heartbreaking to see Ellie disappear into the night, but even more so knowing how hurt she is. You force yourself to watch her go, as a punishment for all that you’ve done. It’s the least you can do to try and repent for your sins. 

The other bar patrons standing around don’t pay much attention after the yelling stops, but you still wish you could get the hell out of town and never return. For both your sake, and Ellie’s. Not that running away is what you really want. Ideally, Ellie would take you back, her arms out like an angel, which is what she would be if she ever forgives you. But Ellie has never been one to forgive or forget. You want to be Ellie’s girl, for everyone to see, but you are too late. 

In trying not to blow up your life you’ve set fire to the one thing that actually made it worth living. Yes, you still have your friends and family, but Ellie falls into both of those categories. She knows you better than anyone, because no one has ever made you feel as comfortable as she does. Ellie makes you laugh harder than anyone else, wipes away your tears, and gives you everything she has. Though you give her the same, you've always done so behind closed doors. Ellie doesn’t always know what to say, but that has never stopped her from trying. Even if she has to resort to using puns as a distraction from whatever you are feeling. 

That argument sobered you up quite a bit. You would shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling, but Ellie was right, it’s only a temporary solution. 

Going home immediately would be ideal. However, Ellie’s house is on your way and she is already angry enough. Having to see you would probably just piss her off more. That girl has been through more than enough. Even if she had time to cool off, the sight of you would only be a bitter reminder of everything that’s gone down. Leaving in 10 minutes will give her more than enough time to get home before you even start walking and prevent any unnecessary interaction. 

You felt nothing when you kissed guys. The kisses you’ve shared with girls had sparks. But kissing Ellie ignited the brightest, most colorful, fireworks. 

Ellie is the only person you have ever loved, but you’ve had quite a few crushes on girls over the years, and even a few flings, despite having convinced yourself you just really wanted to be their friend or were just messing around. They were all special in their own way, but would never compare to Ellie.

As you sit and wait you decide it’s time to make a confession. You owe it to yourself, and to Ellie. 

“I’m gay,” you whisper out loud. Then you whisper it a few more times before you can finally say “I’m gay” at a regular volume. You would yell it at yourself if it weren’t for the other people hanging around, you’ll have to do it when you get home. What’s the point of exposing yourself when the only reason to is gone?

Thinking about the future Ellie had described forces you to ask yourself what do you really want in life when it comes to love? You’ve been pushing who you are down so hard that you haven’t ever been able to think about it before. You would never allow yourself to even dream, because it made you feel sick to your stomach. 

Finally allowing the thoughts to flood in, there is much less to unpack than anticipated. There really is only one thought. Ellie Williams. 

You could’ve had everything, but you were too immature, too insecure, to take what was being offered to you. The only way you could forgive yourself would be if Ellie did so first, which she is not known to do. Not that you even have a right to her forgiveness, after everything you put her through. So however many years you live, is how long you will be hating yourself. 

Sure, there are other girls out there, but none of them even quite like Ellie. You may be young, but she is without a doubt the love of your life. Or she was, now she is nothing more than the loss of your life. Ellie will move on one day, and you will have to watch from afar, grateful that she has found the happiness she deserves, though it will kill you to watch that happiness come from someone else. 

Ellie Williams is just about the only thing in your head and you know she won’t ever leave. 

After ten minutes you walk home, feet shuffling, shoulders hunched, head hung low. When you turn onto Ellie’s street you cross to the other side, avoiding close proximity. Your heart rate increases exponentially the further you walk. You smell weed, Ellie must be out smoking on the front porch. You look straight ahead and veer into the darkness, out of the illumination cast by the street lights. Silence had been your goal, but in order to stay in the darkness you had to step through a bush… and it rustles. “Fuck” you whisper to yourself. Without a doubt, Ellie’s hypervigilance hears the sound. 

“Who is that? Why are you skulking around in the dark?” Ellie’s voice calls across the street. You can tell she is suspicious and ready to start a fight. 

“I-it’s me.” You step back into the light. “I figured you wouldn’t want to see me.” You panic and take off at a run. “Wait!” Ellie calls and you stop dead in your tracks. That was the last thing you expected. It would have made more sense if she had cursed you out. Slowly, you look over your shoulder to see her standing up, holding onto the railing and leaning over it ever so slightly. 

“I want to talk to you,” she grumbles, crossing her arms, just loud enough for you to hear. 

“I’m sorry, I should’ve just crossed through someone's backyard or something. I’ll do that from now on.”

Ellie shakes her head and takes a hit, then slowly exhales a cloud of smoke. “That’s not it.”

You turn around to face her. “I know where and when you hang around town. I promise I'll stay away.”

“Just come over here,” she say and motions with her hand. You can hear bitterness in her voice, but not the anger you expected. 

You walk over and stand in front of Ellie as she sits down on the steps. She continues smoking as her knee starts to bounce. “I’ve decided to give you the chance to talk. But only one chance.”

You gulp, feeling the weight of the immense pressure. 

“I know you won’t forgive me, and that I don’t even deserve it, but I still have to tell you how fucking sorry I am. I’ve made you, the unbreakable Ellie Williams, cry, and that’s not fair. You deserve someone who loves you for the world to see, without caring what they think. Even though I’m ready now, I know I'm too late. I'm a fucking fool. I wanted to stop the world just to stop the feeling, so I had to stop you, because you are my world. I should have called it love so that you didn’t have to call it off.”

Ellie’s eyes are wide as she bites her lip. She pats the spot next to her for you to sit down. You sit as far away from her as you can and avoid looking directly at her, only able to see her in your peripheral vision. 

Legs spread casually, and elbows resting on her knees, Ellie starts her explanation of her uncharacteristic behavior. “Normally I would cut off anyone who hurt me this badly. But on the walk home, I remembered that you aren’t just anyone.” Her audible disdain is all but gone, replaced by a sense of yearning. 

You can finally take your first deep breath since before the argument. “Thank you for taking the time to talk to me, I know this can’t be easy for you. I really appreciate it.” 

She just nods as she takes a drag. “You’ve been thinking too, haven’t you, about everything I've said.”

She has managed to make you laugh a little, the way only she can, something you thought you would never experience again. “You know me so well, don’t you. But yes, and you were right. I could kiss a hundred boys in bars, I could even kiss a thousand girls in bars…” you trail off. 

“Well kissing girls is kind of the whole point, guess. All though I was thinking about just one girl in particular…” Ellie sounds so disappointed.

You finally look over at her and meet her mesmerizing gaze. “I could kiss every girl on the planet, but not a single kiss would matter unless it was with you. When I wake up in the middle of the night, and think about you all those years ago, I want it to be because I’m watching you sleep in our bed in our house. I’d listen to you breathe, and smile at the way your nose twitches when you are dreaming. I’d be grateful that I’ve gotten to spend my life with you.”

Ellie’s breath hitches and she searches your eyes like a human lie detector. “Did you really mean it, when you called it… love?”

“Yes. I love you. I really really love you. I’m so in love with you that I was afraid of it. But I also love you enough to stop making excuses and coming up with stupid reasons.” You look out into the darkness and yell, not caring who hears, "I'm gay and I’m in love with Ellie Williams!”

“I love you too baby.” No tone is left in her voice aside from an air of wonder when Ellie laughs and puts her toned arm around you, pulling you against her warm body. 

“You’re like an angel,” you whisper, lost in her beautiful eyes. 

“If I’m from heaven I can’t imagine what you think hell looks like.”

“It’s full of men,” you sigh. 

“Fair enough,” Ellie chuckles.

“So are we.. something?” You murmur. 

Ellie places a gentle kiss on your forehead. “I don’t know how you haven’t gotten it through your pretty head, but I’m absolutely in love with you. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be my girlfriend and show you off.”

You reach out and stroke her freckled cheek. “Then show me off. Let’s go back to the bar. Show every guy I kissed that I’m your girl. I want everyone in town to know that I’m the Ellie Williams' girlfriend. 

Ellie’s eyes light up and she bites back a smile. “If I’m the Ellie Williams than you are the most amazingly beautiful girl there ever was. It’s really the least you can do, let me emasculate every sorry bastard in town, they’ll be shitting themselves knowing the best girl we have is mine.”

You nod shyly. “Yeah. You deserve a girl that’s proud to be yours, and I am.”

Ellie kisses your temple before taking one last drag from her joint. The two of you walk together, her arm around your shoulders and yours around her waist. 

“I’ve always wanted to dance with you, can we dance together?” You ask shyly.

“Of course baby,” she tells you with a dreamy look in her eyes before giving you a quick kiss. 

The two of you are all giggles and smiles on the way back, though it doesn’t stop Ellie from teasing you and telling you owe her big time. 

As a happy couple, you two approach the bar and no one outside even takes a second glance at you, too occupied by their cigarettes and drunken conversations. You walk through the door, ahead of Ellie, holding her hand as you push through the crowd. Any man that would normally pay attention to you does, but the only person who you take notice of is your guy friend that you had promised a date to. Oops, you’ll have to deal with that at some point but now is a time to celebrate. 

You quickly look back at Ellie and smile after accidentally making eye contact with him. “I really want to punch that guy in the face.” She murmurs, glaring at him. Nonetheless, her rough exterior melts away when she looks back at you. Anyone who saw the way Ellie looks at you would think that you put every star in the night sky, just for her. 

Taking a spot in the middle of the dance floor, you put your arms around Ellie’s neck and she grabs you by the waist to pull you close. The music isn’t the right tempo, but you start slow dancing like you are the only ones in the room. You lean in to give her a real kiss. No cheek, or forehead, or peck on the lips. You want to show her just how much you love her. Ellie’s soft lips move in sync with yours and you aren’t even thinking about all of the people around you. When you finally pull away Ellie says “Baby, I can’t believe you’re really mine.”

“Well, I am. You’re stuck with me. Good luck, babe!”

[keep-looking-to-the-sky-me]

The zelda fandom and homophobia and sexism to shippers

Before you read I'm not trying to say ALL yona defenders, zelink shippers or people who dislike sidlink are homophobic/sexist. This is a 'if the shoe fits' type post but I encourage everyone to read.

A type of homophobia I've seen in the fandom which isn't new to fandom spaces is the idea of wlw vs mlm. Presenting wlw as pure, more genuine and sexless well mlm is just sex and can't be deeper than that. No mlm ships are inherently unpure or immoral, even if they do have a lot of sexual content. spending so much time calling mlm shippers freaks does nothing to support wlw ships. you don't have the right to go on and on about how zelink and sidyona are 'really lesbian relationships' or 'straight ships for gay people' or just gay in general and actively try to push out actual gay ships and gay fans.

Whenever an anti sidlink post or tweet gets popular we see in the comments and likes, hard line conservatives and homophobes agreeing with y'all. I know this is unintentional but with the constant focus of proving why ships between two men are disgusting, you invite those type of people into fandom spaces and making them more unsafe for queer people as a whole.

Me and many others don't like sidlink just for sex. We like them because we like them. The idea that someone has to have a dark alterier motive for liking something is also deeply flawed.

if you can't defend yona from misogyny without resorting to misogyny yourself and demeaning others than your not getting rid of sexism in fandom spaces but adding to it. You don't get points for demanding woman for their personal interests. You're not helping the character by calling people who dislike her or ship sidlink bitches, slut, fujos, coomers,fetishist,groomers, cum-for-brains,cumdumpsters, dickriders or literal slurs(all things that I've seen). inorder to be a good feminist you have to care about the feelings of real life people more than a cartoon stingray and realize misogyny affects every one in fandom, including people who ship things that you dislike.

[ninja-go-to-therapy]

Math, Kind Of

ao3

Summary: Stan is subjected to hearing about his brother’s past relationship with the local demon. He would very much like some brain bleach.

yeah this is just 300 words of crack. Past Billford, suicide jokes, and talking about sex.

329 words

“You fucked. The triangle.” Stan said, feeling absolutely insane for such a sentence to come out of his mouth in such a serious manner.

Ford’s jaw dropped open, before he resorted to indignant sputtering. “It wasn’t like that!” He finally argued.

Stan was pretty sure he was tripping out of his mind right now. Honestly, he wished he was. It would have made whatever… this was, much easier to handle.

“Then what was it like?” He asked, waving his hand around for emphasis. “You slept with a bitchy little geometry problem!”

“It was 30 years ago!”

“He doesn’t even have a dick! How does that even wo—? Actually, I think I’d rather die than find out.”

Ford crossed his arms, looking away. “It was mostly in the mindscape,” he grumbled.

“I told you not to tell me!” Stan groaned, pressing his fingers over his eyes, hoping if he pressed hard enough he could erase this entire conversation from his mind.

“You would’ve thought it was weird otherwise!”

“Ford. I think it’s weird anyways. I think it’s fucking insane.”

“He seemed nice!”

“That’s what you say about the goddamn grocery store clerk, not the demon you’re sleeping with!”

“30! Years! Ago!” Ford shouted. “You know what?” He asked, “this is homophobia. This is you being homophobic.”

“I’m going to kill myself.”

“That can’t be your solution to everything, you know!”

“Watch me!”

“Stop being dramatic,” Ford said, “you’ll live.”

“I would have preferred to live without knowing that you got dicked down by a geometry problem!”

“How do you know I wasn’t on top—”

“What about geometry?” Dipper asked, appearing in the doorway alongside Mabel.

Both of them froze in their places.

“When did you get back, kids?” Ford asked tightly.

“Just now,” Mabel chirped brightly. “I’m starving!”

Stan sighed. “Let’s get you some lunch,” he said. As the younger set of twins walked further into the kitchen, he shot Ford a look. “Let’s never talk about this again.”

“…agreed.”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

tw: mentions of abusiveness, racism, homophobia

AITA for asking my mother to stop touching me?

my mother (while driving!!) kept on trying to touch me even after I'd tried getting her to stop, so I physically pushed her hand away and said to stop touching me

she then went silent for a few seconds, and said something along the lines of "that's actually very hurtful,,, to tell me to stop touching you when I don't even do it that often. and to see you go around hugging all of these other people, when you wont even let me touch you"

when I went to explain what I really meant to her, she went "stop talking, I don't want to fucking hear it", I tried to tell her again and she threatened to push me out of the car if I didn't stop talking

she later went to talk to my sister about this behind my back (which I could hear all of, unintentionally), saying stuff like "I just went to touch her thigh", "she's such an asshole", "after that shit she pulled yesterday, I'm suprized she still has her head" (what happened yesterday: she got to a place I was earlier than I thought she was going to be there, and I asked her "why are you here so early?", I, apparently, had used some sort of tone to make her bitch about it)

she still refuses to talk to me

now, I believe I have a justified reason of not wanting her to touch me, or at least not in certain circumstances she has anger issues and a history of being abusive, racist, homophobic, etc - some of which was directed at me due to her anger issues, she resorts to violence to deal with them - and takes said violence out on whoever is closest to her, me being that person multiple times

every time she did go to hurt me, she got really close, and did it really randomly and out of the blue - every time she has touched me, and I've reacted like this, it has been really random and out of the blue

I've been dealing with this for at least a year now, and I haven't said anything about it other than this incident

AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[hexelein]

Little rant about biphobia in fandoms and the possibility of Eddie being bi below. You think Eddie is gay ? Perfectly fine but don't start arguing with me in the notes about it, especially if you haven't actually read what I said here.

Look I have nothing against gay Eddie but I think it's super weird how people insist he has to be gay. He's not even confirmed queer yet, and people already come at bi blogs for hc him as bi... Unless he is confirmed gay in the show or by the writers outside of it can you just leave bi people alone ? It's always like this when gay hc get popular in fandoms, and I'd like to remind all of you that bi people can have complex relationships with the opposite gender, and that up until now Eddies issues with relationships were all related to Shannon and the trauma he's had from how their relationship ended, and him wanting so badly to recreate what they had before their problems started. That's pretty much canon as of now and everything else is your personal interpretation. If he had relationships with other men he'd probably have the same issues. Hell even if he ends up with Buck he'd struggle a bit at first if these issues don't get resolved beforehand. I genuinely do get why people hc him as gay, but I also think it's extremely biphobic to say he can't be bi at all and that reducing and resolving the problems he has as just related to his sexuality wouldn't fit how his story was written before and would simplify it too much. Even if he was gay that point would still stand but a lot of you don't seem to treat it this way.

What bothers me most about this is the reactions of the fandom, and also the fact we already had a gay and married to a woman storyline with Micheal. And besides Buck pretty much everyone that is queer on the show is monosexual. Like all of that is once again a reminder how bisexuality is often treated in shows and fandoms: the last resort kind of queerness and less queer than monosexuality. Better not have too many bi people on a show, too complicated for people to understand how not every bi experience is the same. People have such a problem with the concept of bisexuality, the reactions to bi Buck also show that: we've had queer characters on the show, but when Buck came out a lot of people said they'd stop watching. This was specifically biphobia, not just homophobia. Buck also fits the bisexual stereotype so well, he's a womanizer, he's been very promiscuous in the past. He hasn't actually talked about his label either or specifically called himself bi in the show yet. People had hc him as bi right away, but with Eddie who has never shown any interest is other men it's he's gay cause he has problems with commitment and forming lasting relationships. It's just very disheartening to see even other queer people follow this weird pattern of who can be bi and who can't, mostly based on stereotypes and who was more promiscuous (this is also often the case in other fandoms ). Despite Eddies romantic relationships not working out we see him being intimate with woman, having interest in them and never any direct indication that it's genuinely his sexuality that is the problem here. Again I can see why people hc Eddie as gay as well, but to say he can't be bi is just denying that bisexuality can be complicated too. I've also seen a lot of people hc him as demi, which is also fitting but often enough it was demi and gay. Why can't he be demi and bi ? We've had so many stories about comphet and heteronormativity preventing gay and lesbian people from being true to themselves, and I'm not saying we shouldn't have those stories anymore, but I think fandoms tend to go with monosexuality by default instead of thinking about how bisexual people can also deal with similar issues in relationships, or that not all of our relationships have to be good to count. It's also just very annoying that stuff like that always ends with peoples reasoning for their hc going into biphobic territory... All I ask is until we have a confirmed sexuality for him, if we even get one, stop being so nasty about bi people seeing themselves in Eddie and stop treating your hc as canon. I swear this pattern is so common in fandoms... Maybe you should examine why you feel so threatened by the possibility of more than one bi character in a show that is or would be in a same gender relationship.

Obviously if he ends up actually being confirmed gay I won't argue with that. I guess what I'm saying is that the biphobic views some of you have and the way bisexuality is treated in general everywhere annoys me more than the possibility of Eddie being gay. And no being bi yourself doesn't mean you can't have weird views about bisexuality btw... Bi storylines always have the same mold and that's cause people aren't willing to listen to bi people and their different experiences. I also can't remember lots of shows that have confirmed bi4bi couples, especially not mlm ones. The ones we have people love to erase all the time. His story could fit someone who is bi and demiromantic/arospec very well (though I don't think they'd actually go anywhere in canon that isn't monosexual or bisexual) and we don't have much bi rep in the show, I'm just kinda hurt that this seems hardly an option for anyone....

I just think having Eddie be bi and his issues not being a result of his sexuality would be a break in how bi characters are usually portrayed and also make people realize that maybe there is a lot underlying biphobia in the community and fandoms.

[nowoyas]

koi no yokan 23: come home (nishinoya yuu/reader)

First - Prev - Next - M.list - Ao3

A/N: woe! surprise celebratory "author went to the doctor today and does NOT have cancer and is getting treated for pmdd" update be upon ye!

Summary: You come home from the training camp and have a long-overdue conversation with your father.

Warnings and tags: family drama, subtle homophobia, depictions of a panic attack, discussion of death of a family member

Words: 3300+

That night, having taken a quiet walk back from the school with Noya, you linger on your porch with a lump in your throat. It takes an embarrassing amount of time to open it, an embarrassing amount of time to confront him. You half wonder if Noya's watching you stand there like a coward from his house.

He'd tell you to steel yourself and get it over with.

You jerk the door open without a second thought.

Inside, your father sits on the couch. He looks up from the book on his lap at your intrusion, and you, hopeful, mumble I'm home once the staring contest starts getting boring.

"Welcome back," he says. "Have you eaten?"

"I had a slice of pizza at the rest stop, but that was a few hours ago." Your eyes scan the room—blinds opened, TV on low. Fresh fruit out for Mom—the ones you'd left behind were at risk of turning when you left a week ago—and no trash overflowing from where you can see the can in the kitchen. "I can maybe throw something together. I have some curry in the freezer, so—"

"Let's eat together," he says. "You used to love that donburi place³⁸ nearby, right? We'll go."

The thought of inevitably blowing up at him in the middle of the restaurant makes you feel sick. "Can we do takeout? I'm really tired and don't think I can handle eating in public right now. You know. Because of the concussion."

He blinks. "Sure. We'll do takeout. Do you want to go together to get it, or…"

"Maybe you could pick it up and I can stay back and recover from the bus ride? I've gotta unpack from the week and everything."

"Right. That sounds good. Do you still like the karaage set?"

Oh. He actually remembered that. "Yeah. Thanks. I'm gonna, um… I'm gonna take a quick shower while you're out. I should be done around the time you get back."

"Sounds good. See you in thirty…?"

"Yeah. Don't forget your wallet."

He doesn't. You shower, wash the week off with water so hot that your skin is red-tinged and a little raw when you step out to towel off. You agonize a little over pajama choices—the decision between comfort for a night you're sure is going to blow up or wearing some clothes you don't care that much about so you don't form a negative association with your favorite pajama shorts—and by the time you're downstairs and tossing your laundry into the washer, your father is returning with a plastic bag of your collective dinner.

He sets it on the coffee table as you linger in the hallway. "Ready?"

You sit on the neighboring armchair, take your share of the food. "Thanks for the food."

He nods, takes his order in the same manner. You eat in silence for a bit—when your father can't take it, he turns up the TV to fill the air. When you can't, you resort to delicately balancing your food container on your lap and texting with your off hand. Noya's sent you an additional Soba for the night, perhaps in anticipation of the shit night you're going to have—it's a selfie, really, and he's wearing the same shirt he just walked you home in, bag still hooked on his arm as Soba appears to be headbutting him directly in the face.

Noya: someone missed me

Noya: if you want to come see her tonight, I'm sure she missed you too

You can't help but smile.

[name]: I've definitely missed her 

[name]: coast clear for now but I miss her more every second

"How's the phone treating you?" your dad asks tentatively. "Not due for an upgrade or anything, right?"

You shake your head. "It's great. Uh, thanks."

"If you wanted a newer model—"

"It wouldn't fix anything," you interrupt sharply. "If that's what you're trying to do."

He flinches. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to buy your forgiveness."

You don't answer. The pair of you are left in the same silence as before.

This… doesn't feel any better than eating alone, truthfully. Or maybe you just got used to being alone, and now it feels weird to not be. You don't even know what he wants from you here. Did he think he could just come home and everything be normal? Did he think a fucking meal set was going to undo the past two years of loneliness?

"How was the training camp?"

"It was good. The guys were working really hard, and all the new stuff they've been working on feels like it's finally starting to come together just in time. We've got prelims the day after tomorrow, and I think the bracket's already out and I don't think any of the schools they're up against are any of the particularly strong ones in the prefecture, so they'll have a little more time between the initial qualifiers and the later part of the tournament, if they can just make everything work, and—" You slam your mouth shut. "—sorry, I'm rambling."

"No, no, I'm glad you seem to like it."

"When's my birthday, Otoo-san?" you ask suddenly.

"What?"

"My birthday. When is it."

"July seventh," he says. "Did you think I forgot?"

"I mean, I spent the day alone and the only present I got was a cat picture from my friend, who didn't know why I was asking for one, so…" You shrug.

He blinks slowly. "Isn't it… coming up?"

"You just said the right date. What do you mean, is it coming up?"

He suddenly goes pale. "What month is it?"

Holy shit. He actually doesn't know what month it is. "It's August, Otoo-san. My birthday was last month."

"Shit. [name], I'm—"

"Don't. I guess I already got my confirmation that you didn't do it on purpose. An apology is just going to piss me off."

He sets aside his dinner—mostly done—and pushes himself to stand. "Wait here. I'm heading out."

"Wait—"

"I'll be back in twenty—no, fifteen—minutes."

"But—"

He's out the door before he lets you get a protest out.

~

Hiro nearly trips three times on the way back from the convenience store. He's as careful as he can be while still being quick, careful not to drop his purchase. The cashier—an older woman—had looked at him like he was slightly insane for his urgency, then she'd looked at him with pity when he'd asked about candles.

Back at the house, he half expects you to have left or to have gone upstairs. He'd told you to wait there, but…

Well, you're in the same spot. That's about all the positive things he can say.

You're also knees to chest and hyperventilating, and that's not really what he was expecting to see when he returned.

He sets down the bag on the coffee table, amid the discarded plates and bowls and cups, and rushes to crouch in front of you, hip jolting the table when he drops to his knees. "What happened, what's wrong?"

You don't respond; you're too busy gasping for air, eyes somewhere far away and tears slipping down your cheeks. It's like you don't even notice that he's there.

"[name]," he says sharply.

Nothing. Your hands are clawing at your upper arms desperately for something, nails digging in. When he sees the red lines you're leaving behind, he reaches out and grabs your wrists firmly.

You seem to notice him at last, thrashing back with a wordless yell.

"[name], listen to me—"

"Don't—don't—don't—"

He clocks the fear on your face and it gives him pause. "Okay. I'm going to let you go, but I need you to stop clawing at yourself. Okay?"

You still. He tentatively lets your wrists go, and you wrap your arms around your knees, rocking in the armchair. He can't have been gone that long, but you look like you've just watched someone die. (He'd know. He's seen that face before, in nightmares.)

"Will you tell me what happened?"

"You—" You try, a shrill breath in cutting you off. "You—you left—"

"I just ran to the store," he explains slowly. "It's a ten minute walk, but I ran so I wouldn't be gone long. What's wrong with that?"

"Okaa-san—" you try, cutting off in yet another gasp.

Oh. "Sweetheart…"

"—never came back—don't—don't just leave like that—"

"Okay. I'm sorry. I won't do that again."

It doesn't soothe you—you're stuck in that loop, eyes barely focused, muttering under your breath whenever you can catch it long enough. It's devastating to watch. Can't he do anything? Has this happened to you before? How many nights have you sat on the couch like this alone and just—hyperventilated until you passed out?

Holy shit. Fucking man up, Hiro. Take care of your daughter.

He stands. "I'm going into the other room for just a moment, okay? I'm going to get you a glass of water and some tissues. Are you okay with that?"

You offer the faintest nod, and he sweeps out of the room. He doesn't know where you've been keeping the tissues, if you've been keeping any, so he grabs a roll of paper towels from the kitchen and returns with a glass of water. He hands you a balled up paper towel, and you crush it in your fist.

"Is… is this the first time this has happened to you?" he asks.

"No." Your gasps are coming more slowly now, quieter. "Just—just let me ride it out."

"I'm not leaving," he says firmly.

"You don't have to stay."

"I'm staying."

You stare at him a moment, eyes widening just a bit.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Hiro starts, which is true. He's completely at a loss. He's never seen you like this, never seen anyone like this. This wasn't grief—you were panicked, somewhere else entirely.

"I can tell."

Harsh, but fair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

A shrug. "Dunno what to say."

"Come on. You can't just not talk about that."

You dab at your eyes harshly before you speak. "Okaa-san and I got into a fight. The day she died. She went out for a walk so we could both calm down."

Hiro's jaw clenches. He's never heard this part of the story—at the time, you'd been too shell-shocked to say anything, and if he remembers, you didn't talk for days after. He'd had to hear from a neighbor—now moved away—that you'd seen Tomoko get hit and screamed, that the two of you were in front of the house. He hadn't had the heart to question it further—what more was there to know, except his wife was dead?

If he'd known, would he have been angry? Right now, all he can feel is his heart shattering. The only sound he can make is your name, broken and disbelieving.

"I came out to wait for her so I could apologize." Your tone has slipped from the teary panic of before to something detached and far away. The shift scares him more than he'd like to admit. "And then she died. And then we were—whatever happened, and you left, and—and every time you're out late, which is every day, I can't sleep until you're home. Even though you don't love me anymore."

He jolts, eyes widening. "[name], no, I never stopped loving you. Please believe me."

"I don't." You turn away from him, cheek resting on your knees. "I've been alone for two years. At first I thought you just needed time—I mean, Okaa-san just died, of course you were upset—but…"

He sighs. Lets his head thunk against the side of the armchair. He shifts his body around to sit with his back against it so that he can see the altar from here. "I had a bet with your mother on who would outlive who. She insisted I'd live longer, and of course I thought I'd be the one to go first. Tomoko always had to be right, you know?"

"I was wondering who I got that from," you mumble.

"In hindsight, it was kind of messed up. The winner of the bet was the one who didn't have to live to see the results. I really, really wanted to win that one, but, well… I never liked the person I was without her, you know? When I met your mother, it was like I became real. And then we had you, and you scared the shit out of me. You're too smart. You get that from her, too. And then Tomoko was gone, and I didn't know who I was anymore. Still don't, honestly. I throw myself into work. I lose track of time. I let my emotions drown me. I remember my daughter's birthday is July seventh but I don't remember when July seventh is. She was always the one to remind me—not her birthday is July seventh but that means her birthday is next week. I couldn't make the connections like that."

"So when Okaa-san died, you…"

He nods. "Completely gutted. I lost my sense of time, my self control. And the longer I threw myself into working and drinking just to feel almost okay for a second, the worse it felt."

"…that doesn't give the past two years back."

"Please believe me. Please. I stayed alive because of you."

"Can you come home because of me, too?"

He pauses for just a moment. "I'll work on it. I'm sorry. You're right that it won't give you the years back, but you don't deserve to be alone anymore."

"I'm not, really. Alone, I mean. But I want my dad back."

He won't promise you. He can't—not with the promise of a promotion at work, of new executive duties, of more nights where he actually has to drink with coworkers and higher-ups for the sake of his career. Not with how integral he's become to the company.

Instead, he says: "I'll do the best I can to be here. We'll work something out."

You don't look at him, but you seem to understand without him saying. That's good.

A long moment of silence. The TV was turned off long ago—you must have done it before you broke down—so between the two of you, there's just your collective breaths, your errant sniffles. He can't take it.

"Do you… want a distraction…?"

A shrug.

He turns the TV back on, flips through until he settles on a rerun of some volleyball match or another. He barely knows enough to recognize that it's volleyball on the screen, but based on the whole club thing, it's a safe bet that you'd enjoy it.

You huff when you realize what he's put on, a cool seven minutes later. "Do you have any idea what you're even watching?"

"Uh." He coughs. "Thailand is, uh… winning? They have more points than China."³⁹

"They're in the lead for this set, but it looks like China took the first set, so they're technically winning right now."

"Why don't you tell me more, and I'll cut us some cake?"

You tilt your head. "Cake?"

"Yeah. I went out to get your birthday cake. It's, uh, late, but…"

A weak smile meets your lips. It's something. "I didn't expect you to do that."

"It's the least I can do. Should have done it a month ago."

"It's alright," you say as he cuts a slice for you. "I'm glad you're here now."

You curl up in the armchair with your plate and a fork—less "fetal position" and more "comfortable lounge". That's something. Hiro relocates to the couch to watch.

"So, uh… what exactly is happening here?"

"Okay, so, the short version is, they're playing don't let the ball touch the floor but with teams. Ball touches floor on the other guy's side of the net, and you get a point, so you have to try to keep the ball from hitting the floor on your side while also trying to force it to happen on their side." The more you talk, the lighter you seem to be. It's good progress.

He nods along. "I see. Why's one of them got a different jersey color?"

"Oh! That's the libero. You see how there's women on the team who are hitting the ball and others that are jumping up to stop them? The libero's entire job is to stand back and get the ball up before it hits the floor if it gets past those blockers. The way it was explained to me is that there's a whole bunch of extra rules that apply to the libero—she can't block or attack, for example, and she goes on and off the court using different rules than the other players do, so the refs need to be able to spot her easier."

All your explanations are like this—concise, easy to understand. You talk quickly, with a smile, interspersing basic explanations between bites of cake and pointing out what's going on onscreen.

He's struck, suddenly, by how much you've grown in the past two years. He'd thought it before—the cold way you looked at him when he interrupted you with that delinquent, the ice in every response, the fact that you were fooling around with some boy when you thought you were alone. You look more like your mother, ramble less, get to the point more, and yet, like this, he recognizes you.

"You really like volleyball, huh?"

You freeze. Turn away to hide your face. "I… y-yeah, I guess."

He laughs, turning back to the screen. "I'm glad you're managing instead of playing, at any rate. Half these women look like they like men."

You laugh. He can tell you're still recovering from the panic from earlier. "Right. Yeah."

~

Shimizu to Karasuno Managers!!! at 12:52

Shimizu: [name]-chan, how are you feeling? Nishinoya said you were taking the day but didn't explain further

Shimizu: if you need anything, please don't hesitate to let us know

[name]: sorry lol

Shimizu: will you be alright for tomorrow? We leave for prelims at 7

~

Shimizu to Karasuno Managers!!! at 15:34

Shimizu: [name]-chan?

Footnotes

38. While researching good takeout places for this chapter, I came across a magnificent discovery. Behold, [name]'s childhood favorite restaurant: Yoshinoya. It's written entirely differently than Nishinoya, but the phonetic similarities were simply too good to pass up. And they have over thirty locations in Miyagi! I've been salivating over the Karaage set for like fifteen minutes since discovering it. I just had karaage for the first time the weekend before last when I visited friends and it sort of got overshadowed by the rest of the meat (there was filet mignon involved because yakiniku in America is like embarrassingly high-end) but it was SO GOOD. I made the right choice in making it one of Reader's favorite foods fr.

39. They're watching reruns of the FIVB Volleyball World Grand Prix. I don't actually know whether this aired internationally or on normal TV or any of that, but the archives are on Volleyball World. The match in particular was a fun watch. I wanted to have them watch a match with the Japan women's team because that would make more sense to air on TV in Japan if a women's volleyball match is gonna be on TV, but I couldn't find playbacks of it and it felt important to actually watch the mentioned match if I was going to have it be a real one. The match in question took place about two months before this—Thailand won this match 3-2. Originally, it was going to be described more heavily, but I ended up not focusing on it as much as having it be set dressing.

Tags: @deeplightgarden @idonthaveanameideayet @dusstory @kazunish

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

changing the sex marker on your id without even having to medically transition is so crazy like what do you mean there is a risk of „outing“. you haven’t even transitioned. its more confusing when you are clearly a feminine man/a masculine woman and then it says female/male on your id respectively. one of the dumbest things the trans movement is successfully pushing for.

i feel like homelessness, the sex industry and the actual discrimination, violence and harrassment gender non conforming people face (whether trans or not) and the resulting mental issues should be the focus of trans activism? you know, the actual marginalisation? im all for advocating housing and shelter projects and general accommodations for trans/gender dysphoric people and special work protection etc but instead the focus is on changing your birth certificate, denying material reality/sanctioning people who insist that sex matters, „misgendering“ and bashing feminism that is centering women, giving kids puberty blockers and generally promoting transitioning not as a last resort but the ultimate solution to gender dysphoria even though homophobia, body dysmorphia and misogyny as well as porn are the biggest driving forces.

no wonder liberal feminists love trans activism, it is just as superficial, useless and even harmful to the group they claim to advocate for. this shows especially in how they tend to support and defend the sex industry despite both women and gay and trans identified men being overrepresented and harmed, individually and as a group.