uboym

[uboym]

I’m so tired. I have no way out. I’m trapped, I have no one. I have 3 friends, two of which don’t really care. They just talk to me to fill the space, but its nothing more than that. The one I can really call my friend.. I’m not even sure if he loves me. I can feel his resentment grow towards me every day. I’m sure he’d leave if the situation was better.

I cant provide anything he needs.. I’ve bleed dry on income. I cant please him sexually. I’m almost certain if the circumstances were better, he wouldve dropped me like a rock. I know he wants to. I wish he would. I cant imagine what it’s like to have me tied around their ankles, dragging them deeper into whatever shit this is. I cant make anyone happy, I dont make anyone laugh…

Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not new sights, not new things, not drawing, not gaming. The only company I have is from comment sections online. I have my cats, but even I know they’re not here forever. My best friend is bound to die in the next few years, if that. I dont even have family, its beyond superficial. My siblings dont talk to me, and my parents only want something to do with me when its to yell at me or try and convince me that my partner is seeking to milk me dry. As if thats what they havent been doing to me my whole life.

Say I cut them out, like everyone tells me to. Then what? I have no one, after my friends drop me, too? I’m 26, theres no time left for me. I’m too old for most people to consider me as a “new friend”, and all old friends.. the bridges have been burnt to ash. No amount of apologies or time could ever repair them. The best it’ll get is water flowing downstream, no bridge for it to flow under. How many friendships do I have to lose until I’m considered a lost cause?

No matter what I do, I’m chained to misery. I know I’ve done bad things, I can’t complain. This is the life I’ve made for myself since the very start, I don’t think theres a fix. The only comfort for me is within myself. I just wish I had someone, anyone to talk to. I’m tired of tough love, it’s not fair. I just want a friend. I just want a fucking hug. I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be normal. I cant stand being myself, and no matter how much I try to change, it’s never good enough. No amount of meds or therapy can change me into someone deserving of love. I just want things to end.