#relationship progression

[demaparbat-hp]

Damage.

Quote by @desertbcrnnobody

[the-royal-blue-network]

Let’s Make It Official

Jordan had met Tia and Corey on a dating app. At the time, both Jordan and the couple weren’t looking for anything serious; Jordan was about to begin his first year of medical school, and Tia and Corey where just looking to dip their toes in the polyamory pool. Now, almost four years later, Tia, Corey, and Jordan have been spending all of their free time together. No one has said it yet, but Corey, Tia, and Jordan have all been thinking the same thing; it’s time to make this relationship official! But as a throuple, what does ‘official’ actually mean?

CLICK THE TITLE, AND FIND OUT TODAY!

[irisesinyoureyes]

wow, super helpful. i am 100% guilty of jumping right into the Bonding stage and don't give NRE a chance. in fact, i literally told my therapist i hate NRE. this is eye opening.

Let's talk about Relationships!

When my relationship opened up and we jumped into the polyamory life, the first thing people told us to do was read read read. Read books about Ethical Non-Monogamy, read books about Relationships, and read books about Self Improvement.

Something that kept coming to mind was a graphic I remembered learning about in a sociology textbook. Which looked something like this:

The Life Cycle of Relational Development.

Pictured in the Knapp model (I don't know if it's the exact same as the text book but it covers all the points).

If you're like me, my first reaction was uncomfortable distress! The model gave the impression that relationships were doomed to end. It was the last thing that I (diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and a history of codependent relationships) wanted to hear.

The reality was that, yes, most relationships DO come to an end. Ouch! But let's note that this graphic isn't just about romantic relationships, but all. It can be applied to familial, platonic, and even professional partnerships.

But let's take a step back and look at the earlier stages of a relationship.

One of the big complaints from anyone who dates a lot (poly and mono) is that relationships often seem short lived. In my experience this is because early stages tend to get glossed over. Most of us want to get right into the middle stages of Integration and Bonding. This is where the relationship is most stable. You're spending a lot of time together, making commitments and future plans.

The thing is once you reach the Bonding stage, the next stage is Differentiating and further decline. We come together and then begin to separate as individuals. "Yes we like to watch movies together, but sometimes I want to watch a romantic comedy and he doesn't like those."

This isn't a negative thing! It's a perfectly normal and natural progression of all relationships. Don't freak out just yet.

I'm Polyamory we talk about NRE - New Relationship Energy - a lot. Those early stages are emotionally intense and become the foundation for all relationships. An important thing to note is that there is no perfect timeline for these stages and relationships progression. But most of us want to skip ahead to the Bonding stage ASAP! so we miss the key building blocks in the early stages.

The importance of Experimenting and Intensifying.

Early in my Polyam journey I went on a lot of dates. One thing I ran into over and over again were people looking specifically for a relationship. Of course, there's nothing wrong with that, but because they had little success they were convinced that no one else actually wanted a longterm relationship (despite saying they did) or that they were somehow unlikable and defective.

One date in particular was quick to tell me that he was looking for someone to spend time and watch movies with during the day while his wife was at work and since he worked from home. This sounded like a great deal (as someone who is disabled and not working). Until I realized, that since we both agreed that was an ideal goal, he was done initiating and experimenting with the relationship. He was ready to skip to the Bonding stage. No need to go out on dates or continue getting to know each other, we can start cuddling on the couch tomorrow! He was convinced we were the perfect match just based on attraction and how our schedules aligned. Why keep looking for more?

Another relationship I had lasted about a month. After an amazing and fun couple of dates, I was suddenly in the girlfriend role. He messaged me regularly to ask how I was doing and to tell me about his daily struggles. I suddenly knew more about his day to day life than I knew about his interests. During that time I had a flare in my chronic illness and he did what any boyfriend would do. Asked how he could help, checked in on me regularly, gave suggestions about what I could do to feel better. He fussed, he worried, offered to bring me things, and showed immense sympathy.

While this doesn't sound negative - I had only been on 2 dates with the guy and known him for a month. I had dealt with chronic illness for years (and had a husband at home to support me), he wasn't someone I knew well enough to even feel comfortable reaching out to for support. Because he skipped right to the Bonding stage (treating me like a long term relationship) I felt trapped in an tumultuous cycle with a practical stranger and quickly moved into the Avoiding Stage.

When I ended both of those brief relationships both men responded negatively. They thought I lied about mutual interest in a long term relationship, and they both felt they were bad people doomed to never find another partner. The reality was, I wasn't ready to remain bonded with a stranger.

The more time spent building a relationship, the less likely it will end.

I know, that sounds like an obvious statement.

NRE often ends once a relationship gets into the Bonding stage. But by skipping those early stages of Experimenting and Intensifying, you're going to end up in an emotionally intense 'committed' relationship with no stability.

As I mentioned, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Emotional Intensity is my middle name. Relationship Termination sounds like the end of the world. Most of my relationships (prior to lots of hard work) were fast lived rollercoasters. We'd meet, combine our lives, and then break up in a relatively short amount of time. They'd feel suffocated by my love, seek to find some autonomy from me (Differentiating Stage) and I'd either return to Intensifying the relationship or move to ending the relationship before they could. This led to beliefs that I was broken and unworthy of love.

I really just lacked skills in building a healthy relationship. Most of my partners did too.

Long Term Relationships are going to cycle through these stages over and over again. Taking the time to Experiment and Intensify (build a relationship) means there will be more success with the Integrating and Bonding stages where the relationship is most stable.

The Bonding stage will always lead to the following stages.

"We've been married for 10 years and we spend a lot of time apart. We have different hobbies and friend groups (Differentiating). We don't have a lot to talk about since we know everything about each other (Circumscribing). We don't have fun anymore, we go through our routines and life is pretty humdrum (Stagnating)."

This is NORMAL. Assuming the relationship doesn't end, it usually leads to going back to the Experimental phase. They go to couples counseling, find a new hobby to do together, spice up the bedroom. In some cases this leads a lot of couples to giving Non-Monogamy a try. Things become exciting again, the relationship feels stronger than ever (Intensifying), they begin to connect and create a new normal and the relationship feels stable again (Integration and Bonding).

Polyam Thoughts and Struggles.

Someone who goes on a lot of dates and seeks multiple relationships is also likely to experience a lot of break ups. It kind of comes with the territory. A lot of times this can lead to feelings of self doubt and even discouragement about if Polyamory is worth it.

Coming to the conclusion that relationships have a life cycle and most of them come to an end actually gave me a sense of peace. The relationship wasn't a failure, it was an experience. Understanding the natural progression of a relationship and each stage also gave me a lot of room for self improvement in my relationship skills.

"Did we rush over the early stages of a relationship before making commitments?"

"Did NRE take away from important building blocks to really get to know each other and integrate out relationship?"

"When things became stagnant did we move into the Avoiding Stage or try rekindling with Experimentation?"

Acknowledging that relationships run a natural course also meant that no one needed to be "the bad guy" (note: we aren't taking about abusive relationships). I've watched Polyamory communities (and friend groups for monogamous couples) get torn apart when relationships end. Relationships where no one did anything wrong, but there's feelings of animosity and a need to take sides - because break ups suck.

Conclusion

If you're struggling in your relationships, don't give up. Remember these experiences are opportunities for growth - always!

What stage(s) are your relationship(s) in? I guarantee if you can identify that it'll change your perspective on it.

My husband and I have been together a lot time, we're constantly cycling between Stagnation and Experimentation. We move through them pretty seamlessly especially since we became familiar with the relationship lifecycle.

Most of my other partners fall into the Experimenting and Intensifying phases at the moment, and in my experience most ENM relationships hang out longer in these areas than other types of relationships. But I have also found that people who want to move too quickly and don't give NRE a chance to run its course, burn out more often.

The most important thing is to give yourself grace and keep reading, reading, reading.

Anyways I needed this reminder and it was helpful to actually type it out. Maybe it'll help someone else.

The End.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

sometimes i stalk fancy bakery instagram and

[tenderjock]

SPIKE: do you need a dog. i can bark caps frm

[tending-the-hearth]

me: making a silly little video about annabeth's progression from making percy a blue birthday cupcake vs. her recognizing is as something sacred between percy and sally and not making blue food

tiktok commenters: um actually that's definitely a plot inconsistency and it shows how little rick pays attention because why would that even be a thing

SHUT UP I'M EXPLODING YOU WITH MY MIND IT'S ABOUT ANNABETH FIRST THINKING IT'S A NONSENSICAL LITTLE THING AND AFTER THEY GET TOGETHER OFFICIALLY PERCY OPENING UP ABOUT THE ABUSE HE AND HIS MOTHER FACED AND HOW THIS ONE SEEMINGLY SILLY THING BECAME THEIR WAY OF REBELLION AND COMMUNICATION DURING DIFFICULT TIMES AND ANNABETH RECOGNIZING THAT AND LOVING PERCY SO MUCH THAT SHE NEVER TOUCHES THE IDEA OF MAKING BLUE FOOD AGAIN BECAUSE SHE KNOWS AS MUCH AS SHE LOVES HIM THAT'S SOMETHING SO SPECIFIC AND IMPORTANT TO PERCY AND SALLY THAT IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT FOR HER TO BE PART OF THAT

[serial-unaliver]

nothing infuriates me more than, when someone points out rich people donate a lesser income percentage, the response is "well that's why they're rich loool poor people are so dumb for donating money to anyone" because 1. they'd still be fucking rich if they have a consistently high income and 2. what a bleak worldview to have. "you're such a loser for caring about people less fortunate than you when you're not financially stable yourself ". the fact that anyone hears that and thinks they're a good person for agreeing is insane. completely devoid of compassion and connection to fellow human beings. I do not view you in a more positive light than billionaires.

[dxndeli-n]

Abandonment issues go brrr

[wistfulwatcher]

emily prentiss + her waning tolerance of getting close to killers

[im-totally-not-an-alien-2]

Halloween prompts year 2 day 27

Danny watched on as Nightwing- his literal soulmate- did an amazing backflip off of a roof, spinning several times in the air before landing gracefully on the top of another building. Nightwing was so graceful and in control of himself and his movements. Danny found himself wondering how Nightwing would move as a ghost.

Heck, how would he look as a ghost? Would he have white hair like Phantom or blue hair like Ember? Maybe green hair like Kitty and Youngblood, but Ghostwriters hair was still black as a ghost so maybe he'd be like that?

Shaking his head he moved to get up from where he had been leaning up against an old chimney, Nightwing having long since left. How should he go about this anyway? He can't just go up to a famous vigilante and be like, "Hi I'm your soulmate. Wanna go out with a complete stranger who has no way of proving anything that they're saying?"

And there was the real issue. If Nightwing asked how he had seen his soulmark Danny could just tell the truth: he had seen it in that nasty fight last week where hoards of ninjas had attacked them and tore up Nightwings suit enough to see it from his vantage point.

But if he asked about Dannys soul mark...well that was harder to explain.

His own soulmark used to be on his torso before he died but after he stepped out of the portal it was gone. As in there wasn't a trace of it anywhere. It was one of the reasons he never went anywhere without a shirt anymore because he knew someone would eventually notice its absence.

He could probably explain it as Phantom to make it more believable but he would have to get Nightwing to know Phantom more for him to trust him.

Which lead back to "how do I introduce myself to him without earning an electrified stick to the face?"

After a phone call with Jazz, where she basically gave him the long winded version of "Just be yourself! You were made for eachother after all." He decided that yeah! He can use his ghostly instincts to guide him! Whats the worst that could happen?

Cue Nightwing and the other bats in the batcave a week later, crowded around a table covered in pictures of captured villians and thugs. All of them were the same. All of them showed a subject laying on thier bellys hog tied, and in a cage with the words "horny jail" etched into it.

The only real connection that all of these lowlifes had was them making crude threats, creepy unsolicited advances, catcalling or otherwise being a creep towards Nightwing.

Conclusion: Nighting either has a fanboy following him around getting in over his head or he has a violent stalker staking a claim

Robin disagreed with his siblings. Clearly whoever is doing this is defending Graysons honor and Damian approves.

Danny thinks he's doing a good job in the "showing soulmate that you are capable of protecting him from weirdos" maybe he should get Nightwing an Anti-Creep Stick of his own...

[visceravalentines]

okay but the way mulder closes his eyes when scully's fingers touch his skin while she's checking him for alien worms in 01x08??? and her little gasp when he yanks her back from the door and then the way he cups the back of her head before he checks her too??? the size of his hand on the back of her neck??? oh man. oh god. oh fuck they were really out here doing something huh. I'm never gonna come back from this one huh. oh boy. oh no

[mamawasatesttube]

what WERE tim and kon doing in that closet together that made kon have to get dressed afterwards anyway? wrong answers only. i'll start i think they were playing two person strip poker but tim cheated like a motherfucker. actually wait that doesn't make this sound any less gay. um. hold on. there's gotta be something. um

[galedekarios]

Karlach: Aw, was that Gale’s granddad? Player: That was Elminster Aumar - the most famous wizard in the realms. Karlach: Huh. Doesn’t ring a bell.

[apas-95]

the view that sexual predation is based on 'brain development' rather than life experience and social power is, like the common view that incest is bad because of 'inbreeding' rather than the control granted by the family structure, one where the issues of social power imbalance are replaced by an unhelpful bioessentialism - one that both makes permissions for these abuses (whether it's in the cases of non-blood relatives, or of an 18 year old being exploited by a 50 year old), and targets non-abusive relationships (if the reason for incest's immorality is that it might produce a disabled child, how does that logic continue towards people with inherited illnesses?). working within this essentialist logic, it's impossible to rectify these issues - neither extending the supposed 'undeveloped brain' to greater ages, nor simply deciding that there exists no real power a middle-aged man has over a new graduate, can fix the errors generated.

[vanmarkus]

everything else aside, it's such insane behaviour to ask someone you never said "i love you" to, to move in with you

[assorted-aesthetics]

im actually still thinking about jadzia and worf. it's the centering of female desire. it's her wanting him in secret and also never doubting how desirable she was. her making the first move and it being so over for him. it's how career driven and competent they both are. it's them literally sparring together. the way she never bent on her boundaries and the self respect she had but they both learned to compromise. how much they both grew together. his obsession with the wedding planning. how we see jadzia be loving and silly and flirty and confident from the start but we never see her as giddy and obscenely horny and human as when she was with worf. how worf literally fucking blooms into a better, happier version of himself with her. they're THE couple.