#rejections sensitive dysphoria

[boundless-n-bare]

audhd confessions - my own worst enemy

being active in this community as a neurodivergent individual (audhd) can be very challenging in unexpected ways. for me the hardest thing to deal with is the rsd - rejection sensitive dysphoria. i have this BAD. this doesn't strictly pertain to real or perceived rejection from individuals in the community although that can be part of it, but more broadly its like a very intense and painful feeling of fomo. having to miss NEST this year was a huge trigger for me - no one rejected me, but i still felt rejection because i couldn't be there. my brain told me i wasn't allowed. that no-one wanted me there anyway and i wouldn't be missed.

its also very hard seeing other members of the community being active and fulfilling their desires in a way i wish i could but very deeply feel and have been telling myself for years that i can't. this one honestly kills me, like it can be super debilitating to the point that it legit keeps me away from interacting in these spaces which i hate. its a huge reason ive been so distant - it sucks majorly feeling as though you're surrounded by people who have it all figured out, or at least seem to, while you feel lowly, alienated, and incapable.

for me, rsd is this ever present voice screaming "you're not allowed." woah see this community member posting about the really awesome session they had with this other community member? you'll never have that. they flew halfway across the country for that session, you're broke and will never be able to do that. they have social skills and you're a socially inept loser who no one wants to talk to. "they" are allowed to have those experiences, "they" are normal. but you are not allowed. you can be a spectator, at best. you get to yearn

the truly fucked thing is that i have had those experiences! i have been to NEST! i have traveled long-ish distances for sessions! i have had the good fortune of having multiple tickling experiences while many in this community may struggle to cement even one. yet i still look at myself and my experiences in this completely ass-backwards light that tells me that they are nothing special, its everyone else who is out there living the absolute dream and nothing i achieve will ever live up to what they're doing - it can't, it simply isn't possible because you are not allowed!

this shit has paralyzed me for far too long. it makes me not even want to look at tumblr, or reddit, or anywhere i might come across that sort of content because what if i see another post like that and then i get sad? then i suddenly have to wrestle with these feelings of inadequacy and isolation and who needs that? its easier just to ignore it all entirely... right?

well, no, because tickling is my passion and if i ignore it completely, to the point of not even letting myself engage with the community, then im depriving myself of not only the community and any potential support network therein but literally the pursuit of the one thing in life that bares any semblance of importance to me at all! when i tell you nothing else matters to me, when i tell you there is nothing in my life that drives me forward the way tickling does i am not fucking exaggerating - if i have learned anything over the pandemic and throughout the years that followed up until now it is that i forget who the fuck i am if i sever myself from my desires for too long. i'll put it all on the back burner and then wonder why im so miserable all the time. then i'll eventually come back, start getting into the hang of being active, then the asd starts surfacing, then i experience some sort of meltdown, then isolate for a few more months, then dip my toes back in and start the cycle all over.

i honestly dont know the best way to combat this but my plan is basically to kill this ideology with persistence - from now on i won't back down and dip out when im confronted with these feelings but rather i will challenge them and keep doing what im doing anyway. i will tell myself that with patience and persistence i can do any damn thing i want, and it might not happen immediately but sooner rather than later i will prevail and i will be content with my place here.

i intend to seriously challenge any assertion by my brain that im not good enough, moneyed enough, social enough, likeable enough, etc. to participate in this community. sure, there might be very real barriers to what i can and can't do compared to others but even still there's ultimately nothing i can't do! i have even told myself for the longest time that i could never be any sort of content creator... yeah, well guess what? im challenging that shit because the very act of my brain telling me i can't do it signifies that its obviously something i want to do, therefor i should! i've deterred myself from buying toys, bondage equipment, etc. because "you're not even active! you don't even talk to people! you're so socially awkward you'd spend all the money and never use it!"

fuck you, brain! the only thing truly getting in my way is you! im not making excuses to minimize myself anymore. im going to do the thing! the fuck is even the point of living if all you're going to do is keep yourself from the shit you want? its beyond fucking stupid

i doubt its going to be easy. i doubt that i won't slip up. but persistence means getting back up and doing it anyway when even when i feel like giving up, and hiding from or not interacting with the community is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing from it at all

[burntblueberrywaffles]

Bestie I can feel rejected by things you wouldn’t even think of

[chai-penguin]

On Isolation

[evilkitten3]

extremely unsexy of adhd to make me both very annoying and very sensitive to the concept of being perceived as annoying

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

It is estimated those with ADHD receive 20,000 corrective or negative messages by age 10

Neurodivergent_lou

[crush-echoes]

i dont know if anyone actually likes me

it doesnt feel like they do

everyone seems so close to each other

what if theyre talking about me

do they hate me

[theteleportingtransfem]

Reblog if you’re a transfem who is shy and you fear abandonment, even when you know that your friends are amazing and would never leave you.

Or if you like pizza.

[captainswan618]

there is a person standing 73 yards some distance away, watching you. they look like they’re trying to tell you something. you can’t get away from them, nor can you get close to them. they’re just...standing there.

so your friends and loved ones try to help you by talking to them, and the person must be saying something to them, because they look at you differently now. but you have no idea what it was, all you hear is static.

you try to tell them not to listen to the person, but no matter what you do, no matter how much you plead with them, they look up at you with suspicion-hatred-fear and just run. they don’t care where they’re going, just that you’re not there. and you can’t do anything to stop it.

the more that the people in your life care about you, the worse it is, because anyone who tries to help is turned against you. so you are just gradually shut out of your own life by the people you love the most, until eventually you no longer recognize your surroundings.

there is a person standing 73 yards some distance away, watching you.

[messrsbyler]

you. yes you, person with rejection sensitive dysphoria. this message is for you. your friends DON'T hate you. they aren't mad at you. they aren't talking behind your back or wished to cut their friendship with you. they love you and treasure you and they are good people who wouldn't hurt you like that! ok, that's all. have a nice day.

[existennialmemes]

It's been said before but I'm saying it again: being mentally ill and very self aware of it is extremely annoying because it's like:

My Brain: You are worthless and everyone is making fun of you.

Me: Uhh, no? I just had an extremely minor, low stakes misunderstanding, and everyone was very cool about it. It's fine. No need to panic.

My Brain: [immediately dousing itself in cortisol] You don't get to decide that. Now I'm cancelling all of the dopamine and serotonin. You can just sit there and think about your unforgivable error.

Me: Wildly unnecessary, but ok I guess

[thepeacefulgarden]

[openmindpsych]

i think there needs to be a shift in the way people talk about rejection sensitivity. while the sensitivity is often more than is necessary or appropriate, it's not totally unreasonably making things up to be anxious about. it reminds me of hypervigilance in ptsd - during childhood, there were tons of small rejections you experienced. and social rejection is a big deal - in the past, being rejected by your social group meant death! so your brain learned to pick up on those small rejections to stay safe. and even if you're in a safer environment now, like among friends who love you, your brain has already learned how to be cautious. it's annoying, and often unhelpful, but your brain is just trying its best to keep you safe. it's not just an overreaction or making up problems where there are none.

[andiv3r]

Instead of being a normal person I get to feel like I'm going to throw up whenever someone politely corrects a misunderstanding I've had.

[clown-around-and-find-out]

is this a safe space for me to admit that i absolutely hate the term "neurospicy." is it just me or do other neurodivergents agree

[starrybeedraws]

Did it hurt? When you were telling your parent about your special interest, and they responded with annoyance?

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

ADHD Signs of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Extremely defensive

mind replays upsetting events

Severely hurt when they feel abandoned

Often has low self esteem and is socially anxious

Never feels like they did a good enough job

Often believes that people are disappointed in them

Positively DBT - BPD, Autism, ADHD Peer Support