#really dreading the next few
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no particularly interesting or funny patch notes for this week - mostly I was just removing adverbs, replacing weird dialogue tags with “said,” average edits like that
#thwth#thwth revisions#a solid but not especially memorable chapter#not a lot to edit here tbh#really dreading the next few
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birthday (im 12 now)
#my art#legit feel like I just turned 20 yesterday tf happened#i was gonna draw a silly joke about my americansona being allowed to drink now but im going with existential dread :3#dont worry i have a really funny one in mind for next year. if im still into asoiaf which lets be real. probably#shit ive been into these fuckass books for like 4 years that's embarrasing. anyway idc#technically im not 21 yet i think its in a few hours. still time to go to the us have 1 drink and get arrested
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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slept maybe 4 or 5 hours this whole ordeal is really burdening me i feel so disheartened 😔
#i still can’t believe 2 grown people would act like this#one of them is even older than me#she always acts so nice towards everyone but talks behind their back#i always knew they didn’t like me much and talked behind my back as well but i never imagined it was to this extent#to go to the boss behind my back…. i’m just baffled#and i need to work from 2pm til 8pm today again#at least they won’t be there but work was already dreadful for me now it’s absolutely unbearable#having to work with people who talk so poorly abt me and are so deceitful just thinking about seeing their faces again makes me sick#a friend told me i should call in sick and i really think that’s what i’ll do next week#like this whole situation is burdening me to the point i can’t sleep this job is draining me both mentally and physically#and if they claim i don’t do anything anyways it shouldn’t make a difference if i’m there right#i know that’s not true and they will be understaffed when i’m not there and it makes me feel a little bad for my other coworkers but i have#to look out for myself and my own wellbeing#idk what i did to deserve all this sometimes it feels like my life is just one punch to the gut after another#i’m not your strongest soldier god…. i can’t do this#cried so much last night hoping i wouldn’t wake up again after finally falling asleep#and here i still am….#sorry for all the negativity to the few people who might actually read my tags but i’m really hanging on by a thread and it feels like it’s#about to break off any minute#also thank you to all the people who’ve reached out me i really appreciate it i’ll try replying soon but today will be another long day so#it may take a while#☁️
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this election feels so hollow even though it’s likely ostensibly gonna be a good outcome. labour really just sucks fucking ass rn huh
#if the tories lose bad enough to make lib dems the opposition though… a guy can hope#I think it’s the fact that this is the first general election I can vote in that’s making me lose my mind a little here#I have done basically nothing but read today. I DO know a whole bunch more abt voting systems and the nightmare the tories have been now tho#I’m just kinda like. okay so what happens next? bc labour WILL do some decent shit but they also. fucking suck.#planning to look into the local green party once I’m back at uni bc I could actually do stuff there#I think I’m just dealing with a little bit of whiplash going from doing a biology degree where Everything is about climate change#like unambiguously it gets brought up in every topic (I DO focus on ecology and agricultural stuff and not like genetics but still)#clear consensus from literally everyone you talk to that shit has to happen right the fuck now.#it’s not even like I’m unaware of the state of policy rn I KNOW it’s a nightmare to do anything but we at least TALK about it#and then this election where it’s barely a footnote. biggest thing is the sewage dumping everyone’s talking about and yeah fucking finally#but is that all you’ve got?? the labour manifesto is bleak. it has a section and the stuff they’re proposing isn’t bad but it’s so little#and yeah no they’ve changed the official line on the manifesto to ‘make Britain a clean energy superpower’#I SWEAR it was different a few days ago#maybe I’m being pessimistic bc their plans for clean energy if they actually do them could be huge especially if they manage it by 2030.#it’s just that I know what the targets are and they’re already pulling back on shit like EVs bc of the shift right and I am So Tired#two party politics is a curse. as much as reform is an actual nightmare them getting a decent vote share might actually be the thing that#gets people talking abt proportional representation again bc they are nothing if not good at being loud#did you know we had a fucking referendum in 2011 bc what the fuck. and it went SO BADLY even though people generally supported it#god idk I think I’m once again being naively optimistic about people and election coverage has been very good at knocking me down a bit#people generally are good. I have to believe this. but man the british public is making that really fucking hard#genuinely I think a good chunk of that is down to first past the post driving politics to be divisive and aggressive#like is it the only problem? fuck no. but it’s definitely poisoning the way this shit goes bc when all the parties do is jab at each other#what are we actually doing here#idk I’m gonna stop now but this is taking up a ridiculous amount of bandwidth rn I can’t wait for it to be over#already dreading what the next election could look like in 4 years if starmer continues to suck ass bc I don’t trust him to not like at all#luke.txt#I said i was done but I just looked at the lib dem manifesto and oh my god it’s actually pretty good on this? holy fucking shit
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i did some rlly cool traditional doodles today but im too tired to take pictures of em so pretend theres some rlly cool doodles posted rn ok
#ill do it tomorrow if i survive the heatwave while at work :[[[#im really reall yrealllyyyyyyy dreading the next few days
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Phil filming Happyish in New York City, September 2013
#and eating mike and ikes :)#philip seymour hoffman#psh#*#happyish#missing you so badly it aches and i'm scared of the next few months. really dreading it#but. look at you.#love ya bug
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hi everyone remind me to never look at deviantart again
#haunted ecosystem#probably jsut take this post at face value tags are if youre really curious 👍#i was trying to find something. immediately got blasted with a person who i did not want confirmation was out of prison is out#if im weird the next few days this has been an un-fun experience 👍i just wanted to look for some furry bases ok not. dread.#i just wanted to work on beest & saturn </3#actually feel nauseous ah this is going to be fun im going to go. draw things. do something. i need to get rid of this dread#why did he fucking follow my new account there? why? didnt he get enough? didnt he fucking get enough god i.#sorry chat im feeling things and if i remember this later i'll probably delete these tags but i need to just put this somewhere#im not a kid anymore i can handle this i shouldnt be this scared but fuck i am. maybe it wasnt just paranoia! joy joy joy oh joy!#tomorrow will be better tomorrow i'll forget about this and i'll move on like i never saw it and i'll continue being happy#i have people that love and care about me and that i talk to every day i have people that i trust and know i can rely on#i don't have to be scared anymore i don't need to worry i'll be fine and that has to be true because things are better now
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He likes coming into my room and having me move a chair next to it so he can look out the window
Second update as promised, finals are over for sure this semester, did well on all of them :D classes picked for next semester too. I've got two studios again next semester (yippie) and one of those is a figure drawing class with the same professor I had this semester (extra yippie, I'm extremely excited for that). Am also advancing from elementary japanese to intermediate, so that'll be fun. I might be posting more in japanese in the future because I really need to keep practicing it outside of class, but don't worry, I'll always post translations as well :D
...I've also gotta retake a class I failed last spring, so umm, wish me luck with that. If I go insane next semester, that class will be why.
Anyway, bonus bc I love my dog and he's cute and he found a bird on a power line (he needs a trip to the groomer though):
#im actually really dreading next semester#there's literally no other professor that offers that class which seems extremely unfair#but its only for a few months#I'll live#my room is upstairs so my dog likes to look down the street from here#it really is a cute neighborhood#I'm extremely thankful that my parents are letting me stay here with them while I'm in school#bc theres no way in hell I'd be able to afford to live here otherwise haha#not rb#his name is moses btw#my sister named him but i dont think it was after the bible moses#she just picked it for some reason and it stuck
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i’m so tired but so hyped up but i need to be at a boxing class in less than 6 hours but i feel really lovely rn and just want to sit in it a bit longer
#got to talk to my best friend today. did several cartwheels after a work event. organised to meet this boy tomorrow.#i’m dreading things that are coming up but the next few days could be really really lovely and i’m going to do my best to make it that way
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gosh I love the morning shift
#despise and dread my few night shifts#but mornings??????#mornings???????#three pretty and nice girls and I got to tell one happy pride it was actually so fun she was so noce#and one really really nice guy from the Home Depot next door#he was so nice aaaaaaaaaaaa#and the morning vibe is so nice it’s all the best coworkers#<33
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you know, i was trying to figure out why my brain is going so haywire all of a sudden and i realized it’s prooooooobably because it’s about a year since All That went down which like. Yes, perhaps that WAS a tiny bit traumatizing, come to think of it!!
#All That being my Pop-pop’s health decline and death#my mom is probably feeling it even more… she did a hell of a lot more than me#but yeah it affected me a LOT at the time and i was told that anniversaries were Bad… especially the first year…#but the ACTUAL date isn’t till December so i guess i wasn’t thinking in terms of the Whole Saga…#but yeah. that would be about now#so there’s this sense of stress and dread kind of hanging over me… like something terrible could happen at any moment#and this is a REALLY good explanation for that#and makes me fee better about being such a goddamn mess this past week#my executive dysfunction was SO bad today…#i actually got a decent amount accomplished… i’m being very hard on myself#but it was TOUGH to do… i really had to push whereas these past few months i’ve been HAPPY to do stuff#everything just feels so hard and i’m so sad all the time and i don’t want to be like this#but Yeah.#anyways - i think that’s the situation#so just a heads up… sorry if i’m a mess this next month or so#i’m hoping now that i’ve recognized the issue it’ll let up a little - but we shall see
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just had paramedics called on me for the first time todayy
#'just' means like 9 hours ago ive been resting btw also im fine i was just scared#i was 90% sure it was a panic attack! but Both my parents having tons of heart problems was making me really dread that other 10%#that i wasnt so sure about#but i am fine it was a confirmed panic attack and nothing is wrong#i had some kind of mental revelation that ive been slowfully and painfully untangling ever since#but its going to be the literal turning point in my ENTIRE life. i am not the same person who woke up this morning#sorry everyone im late for updating you all about my newest medical history update today#no but seriously im bringing this up now because the next few days migjt be rough! for me#im going to try and keep it off the internet as much as possible but just in case i somehow end up doing it anyway i guess#hashtag rosies first honest to god panic attack <3#im fine. and i will continue being fine. i will simply need an appropriately approximated mandatory adjustment period#yeah so ummm the thing i am astounded by the most right now is#i dont think i have EVER been SO truly angry in my whole. i have never felt the need to describe myself as 'furious' until today#boy they werent kidding that post traumatic stress disorder can COMPLEX#sorry just trying to be a little bit silly its called i get a little bit silly i just need a little controlled boost dose of normalcy here#im fine.
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Currently battling with some psychological barriers regarding posting my art on here but just know that the piece I'm working on currently is a banger and I am excited to share it w you guys
#ramblings of a lunatic#ofc then there's the fear that ppl wont match your energy w/ their engagement but also#i feel. dumb for caring? bc im a staunch believer that youre under no obligation to like/rb certain things#I'm just paranoid bc all my last few toh art pieces have gone. overlooked? ig??#i shouldn't put so much stock in ppl interacting with my stuff for sure but at this moment in time i don't know how to stop#I'm getting better about making art for myself but i still do want to share some (if not most) of it#ofc then there's also the mental pressure I've invented that bc fandoms tend to wind down after a show ends (boooo!)#that means i have an arbitrary time limit on when i can get all my ideas out and post things#which is DUMB!!!! THAT'S STUPID!!!!! but I'm still struggling to internalize that it's not Real#OUGH. there's a whole lot goin on in my head rn#swamped with school but also I'm really close to finishing all my coursework#the general low level anxiety and concern that goes on in the back of my mind at all times#the fact that despite all the pre-grieving I've done I'm STILL not done being upset abt the owl show ending#I'm fighting low level demons rn but like. there's a few. 3-4 imps#but like i said even if ppl don't like/see the next bit of art i post i think I'll still be proud of it? deep down??? somewhere???????????#i kind of have to be for my own sanity. lmao <3#anyway april 1st is almost over where i am. goodbye april fools hello dread
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why am i not gonna go see my therapist for the next two weeks i need to unpack my incredible baggage
#my problem with therapy is that#an hour is NOT ENOUGH to say everything i need to get out#and i get so wrapped up in one of the things i'm saying that i completely forget everything else i'm gonna say#watch that the next time i talk to her she's gonna be like oh well you're basically alright now you don't have to keep coming to therapy#like no madam i still need to fix my constant dread of talking to people because i don't want them to think i'm weird or boring#or really obnoxious#as well as my constant fear that literally the few people i talk to don't actually like talking to me#A N D the fact that i cannot stop fuckjng thinking like oh my god there is too much noise in my head#also the fact that i cannot hear people shouting and yelling without wanting to cry#even if they're not talking to me#oH mY gOd YoU jUsT nEeD tO gEt ToUgHeR sKiN no i need HELP lmao#tumblr keeps trying to prevent me from posting my insane ramblings
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