#read too much into bad movies

[redsea8me]

I just watched Conan the Barbarian (1982) and why I am literally so emotional over Conan and Valeria’s relationship like…

what do you MEAN she was also killed by Thulsa Doom, who took away his family, his home, and turned him into a warrior who had long since forgotten kindness?

what do you mean that her last words were ‘keep me warm’ when both of them were wandering travellers, and before that warriors, what do you mean they found warm in each other

what do you mean that she died in Conan’s arms, as he casts a scathing look out onto the Mountain of Power, vengeance and rage so clearly evident in his gaze

do you see the way he looks back to her? when they lay on her on the pyre? she’s dressed in silver and with her blades and they fought side by side and he looks over to her body for just a moment, scared and lost

he can’t cry for her, so Subotai cries for him, because he knows the immense grief his friend is feeling?

the way they set her body on fire, a classic funeral pyre of course, but she told Conan to keep her warm and so her body burns in a bright dazzling display

keep me warm

…

and then he’s fighting, fighting for everything he lost and has yet to lose and when he’s almost overwhelmed and he’s almost lost she’s there again, for only a moment

silver, shining, the sun behind her, she fought the gods to be with him, Valeria, Valkyrie

and she saves him so that he can keep fighting and her pendant is around his neck as an eternal memorial

don’t you want to live forever?

[sugarcoatednightshade]

thinking about how Humans Are Space Orcs stories always talk about how indestructible humans are, our endurance, our ability to withstand common poisons, etc. and thats all well and good, its really fun to read, but it gets repetitive after a while because we aren't all like that.

And that got me thinking about why this trope is so common in the first place, and the conclusion I came to is actually kind of obvious if you think about it. Not everyone is allowed to go into space. This is true now, with the number of physical restrictions placed on astronauts (including height limits), but I imagine it's just as strict in some imaginary future where humans are first coming into contact with alien species. Because in that case there will definitely be military personnel alongside any possible diplomatic parties.

And I imagine that all interactions aliens have ever had up until this point have been with trained personnel. Even basic military troops conform to this standard, to some degree. So aliens meet us and they're shocked and horrified to discover that we have no obvious weaknesses, we're all either crazy smart or crazy strong (still always a little crazy, academia and war will do that to you), and not only that but we like, literally all the same height so there's no way to tell any of us apart.

And Humans Are Death Worlders stories spread throughout the galaxy. Years or decades or centuries of interspecies suspicion and hostilities preventing any alien from setting foot/claw/limb/appendage/etc. on Earth until slowly more beings are allowed to come through. And not just diplomats who keep to government buildings, but tourists. Exchange students. Temporary visitors granted permission to go wherever they please, so they go out in search of 'real terran culture' and what do they find?

Humans with innate heart defects that prevent them from drinking caffeine. Humans with chronic pain and chronic fatigue who lack the boundless endurance humans are supposedly famous for. Humans too tall or too short or too fat to be allowed into space. Humans who are so scared of the world they need to take pills just to function. Humans with IBS who can't stand spicy foods, capsaicin really is poison to them. Lactose intolerance and celiac disease, my god all the autoimmune disorders out there, humans who struggle to function because their own bodies fight them. Humans who bruise easily and take too long to heal. Humans who sustained one too many concussions and now struggle to talk and read and write. Humans who've had strokes. Humans who were born unable to talk or hear or speak, and humans who through some accident lost that ability later.

Aliens visit Earth, and do you know what they find? Humanity, in all its wholeness.

[notbecauseofvictories]

sometimes I think they put some sort of...aural drug in mediocre movies. If I played all these thoroughly middling movies in reverse, would I hear a satanic message telling me, YOU WILL BE TEMPTED BEYOND ALL REASON TO WRITE FANFIC ABOUT---YES, THE MOVIE YOU HALF-WATCHED WHILE COOKING AND ANSWERING EMAILS. YES. YES, I---YES, I'M SERIOUS. YES, THIS MOVIE. THE CHARACTERIZATION OR LACK THEREOF MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. UH HUH. MHM. YEP. LOOK, I DON'T MAKE THE RULES, I JUST WORK HERE OKAY?

[daincrediblegg]

personally I think the best thing that the joker sequel did for me was expose the exact degree to which how much of internet/public criticism is not based on genuine analysis of the content using social and cultural resources to support an actual argument but is actually adult children whining because someone took their batman toys and put them up on a high shelf for once and they, as a consumer, feel like they're entitled to throw a tantrum about it

[satorisoup]

people will think im ordinary until they say one (1) thing about tmnt and all of a sudden im explaining the entire lore starting from the 1990’s movie & why donatello is the best turtle i fear… T^T

tag limit fights me… i must yap… please listen… SOB </3

[iamnmbr3]

the moment when you realize an ai would've written a better larry show than mike waldron bc an ai would've been trained on previous loki content and thus, unlike mike, would've actually watched the films

[moominpopzz]

Nothing can break the bond of a person and their 6th grade hyperfixation when it gets an update

[aristhought]

im like a huge horror fan in theory but not in practice. too scared and overstimulated to consume it but more than capable of spending several hours obsessively reading in depth analysis of one niche scene in a horror movie ive never even watched

[zandrawz]

Finally watched Kung Fu Panda 4, tell me why it unironically changed my life

[altruistic-meme]

i didn't get the specific one i was after, but i DID get a k-cup coffee maker!!! fuck yeah!!! and it came with a coffee filter too, so i can still make regular coffee in it :D

[batemanofficial]

hello upper middle class northern usamerican tumblr user. i want to play a game. you will notice that you are in a super america convenience store in rural kentucky - you have three minutes to purchase a snack and drink of your choice and make normal small talk with the cashier. however, if you use the word "cryptid" or generally make reference to appalachia and its inhabitants as "wild", uncivilized, or lacking restraint around alcoholic beverages during your time here, i will personally tie you to the chassis of a four wheeler and tip it into the river. live or die. make your choice

[sydmarch]

NOT understanding the hype around longlegs

[stinkrascal]

that one post thats going around thats like “What hobbies do you have that ARENT related to media consumption!” and everyone’s replies are like “i love writing and creating art!” because those things are completely separated from the media you consume im sure. it just so happens that youve had the most original idea ever that wasnt influenced by the media you consume at all in the slightest. god whispered the idea into your ear in a dream

[un-pearable]

oh yeah saw blue beetle last night and one million thumbs up. going into having heard it’s very tokusatsu and comic booky made it one million times better. goofy and stupid in fun ways. i’m so glad we’ve looped back around to comic book movies being like comic books: confusing chronologically and catered to fans willing to put up with wildly specific nonsense. also heck of a great job making a movie about gentrification and colonization out of the chaos of blue beetle lore and corporate blandification i genuinely had fun

[the-acid-pear]

see the thing that gets me about the human centipede is that you're either a normie going to watch a movie and getting scared over nothing of you're a freak whos going like WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN?! and like both can backfire bc i cannot stress enough The Human Centipede is such a stupidly tame movie there's barely any blood at all but thing is what makes me be SO insane about it it's that Heiter's actor May He Rest In Peace just put his WHOLE PUSSY into playing him making it such a fucking enjoyable and hilarious movie.

Like you cannot go watch the human centipede first sequence expecting to be scared bc you'll get bored in the first 40 minutes of doomed yuri but you gotta embrace the sheer campiness of it. Nobody cares about the campiness bro. He makes chicken sounds. He makes horrible silly chicken noises. Are you listening to me.

[patt-is-cool]

a lil lightning mcqueen and cruz doodle post lawl