#rather than a 'i really want to'
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eourghh i hate when i spend so much time engaging in the things i like that i get a little sick of them so decide to take a break and realise the suns almost set and i havent spoken to any of my friends today and ive forgotten to eat or drink and i feel like shit but i cant do anything about any of it bc theres too much so idk where to start so i dont and i just sit there not enjoying taking care of my needs or enjoying my interests because both feel so out of reach and my home starts feeling less like a home :(
#day thoughts#vent#sort of#i wish i could telepathically let my friends know i would love to spend time w them#but i am just so incredibly exhausted i cant reach out to them first#like i always do#i wish i could let them know it is exhausting always being the first to reach out#because eventually that gets to me and makes me wonder#if they actually think abt me as much as i think abt them#or if im just another thing theyve gotta do#like i would gladly make space in my schedule whenevers possible to hang out w any of my friends#and i do get i have a much less busier life than them but like#it feels as if theyd only want to spend time w me if they werent doing anything anyways#and im more of a 'might as well'#rather than a 'i really want to'
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calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.
#nonbinary love#nblnb yearning#nb4nb#nblnb#wholesomeposting#yearning hours#ive been thinking about how some languages dont have a possessive tense#so you dont say “i have a thing” but rather “a thing is by me”#and like im not usually one for psycho linguistics and like critical thoughts etc etc etc#but i really like the framework of responsibility/commitment rather than ownership#i think about this mostly in terms of ecology#and relation to land#but i also love it as it applies to language shared between lovers#like i LOVE calling them mine or for them to call me theirs#but i'm also nonmonog and that was kinda weird to square for a while#and it clicked one time when i was talking about my neighborhood and i was like well#when i say my neighborhood or my city it's understood i'm not taking it away from anybody else#its understood i just mean the city where i live#so why cant we apply the same to lovers?#mine in the way i want to show up for you again and again#ok#done now
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I feel like many people have a fundamental misconception of what unreliable narrator means. It's simply a narrative vehicle not a character flaw or a sign that the character is a bad person. There are also many different types of unreliable narrators in fiction. Being an unreliable narrator doesn't necessarily mean that the character is 'wrong', it definitely doesn't mean that they're wrong about everything even if some aspects in their story are inaccurate, and only some unreliable narrators actively and consciously lie. Stories that have unreliable narrators also tend to deal with perception and memory and they often don't even have one objective truth, just different versions. It reflects real life where we know human memory is highly unreliable and vague and people can interpret same events very differently
#the way some people (usually lestat fans lol) talk about louis being an unreliable narrator has frustrated me#i still insist louis' unreliableness is mostly subtle (passing quickly over things he doesn't want to think about#presenting things that factually happened in a way he can build a story that makes sense to him#not knowing what lestat is thinking and feeling so interpreting him differently than lestat himself probably would)#rather than he's telling something that didn't really happen or is under armand's mind control or something#like for example i think it's been made very clear all the abuse really happened they're not gonna suddenly pull the rug from under it#if anything i feel lestat is going to turn out to be even worse than louis perceived him when we hear people who are not in love w him lol#keanu.txt
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yes, yes i know edgeworth’s big wet eyes and loser boy personality have captivated us all, but listen. listen.
phoenix wright
phoenix “genuinely unable to reconcile the girl on the stand with the girl he dated for eight months, a cognitive dissonance so profound it’s ultimately explained by them being literally two different people, but which he first sits with for five years and does not talk about at any point to anyone” wright
phoenix “don’t mention that name to me. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to think about it. i am just going to keep myself in this state of perpetual crisis mode focus on other people’s problems until eventually i die and get to hang out with mia on the astral plane and never have to deal with any of these emotions ever again” wright
phoenix “overnight loses his career and reputation and sense of identity while gaining an adopted, probably pretty traumatized eight-year-old daughter, and rather than leaning on his friends for help, or getting therapy, or taking any time to process any of this, he *checks notes* spends seven years dedicating all his free time and energy to investigating the weird fucking circumstances around it and maintains a friendship with the guy he suspects was behind it all” wright
phoenix "runs across a burning bridge and falls through it, half a day after the game establishes that he is terrified of heights, because his friend is on the other side of that bridge" wright
phoenix “i sure felt surprised. maybe i had my poker face on” wright
phoenix “looking back on it that was actually a pretty dark period in my life” wright
phoenix “don’t ask me how i got started. i don’t remember” wright
phoenix “only you stood still, your eyes calmly watching” wright
phoenix “sometimes, life just sucks” wright
just
phoenix wright
crunchiest man in the world
and all i wanna do is chew and chew and chew on him
#ace attorney#where are all the people gnawing on phoenix's bones so white??#i need to find the phoenix bone-gnawing corner of this fandom PLEASE#this is me asking for the Phoenix Fic btw#where is the fic meditating on phoenix's whole mental state in general?#where is the fic about how it's phoenix's cageyness and poker face and flat affect under stress that is the hurdle?#the relationship ramifications of being actually really fucking hard to read when it comes down to it?#where is the fic about the week of his disbarment?#the one detailing the panicked blow by blow of it rippling through his social circle while he stands in the eye of the storm?#the one that ends messy and anxious and unresolved because it's week 1 of 7 years?#where is the birth of phoenix wright: poker legend fic?#where is the art school/theatre major phoenix fic?#no not the able to art/act phoenix fic but the kind of person who chooses to go to art school/study theatre phoenix fic#where is the supremely disinterested in pop culture phoenix fic?#where is the actually incredibly meticulous and competent phoenix fic?#capcom can tell me all they want that he's essentially an adhd disaster flying by the seat of his pants making it all up as he goes#but that's not what they're actually showing me#they're the ones who created an in-fiction legal system that functionally necessitates that#and the nature of the game is that phoenix is almost always proven right so rather than him coming off as hare-brained#his opponents rather just come off as short-sighted. either negligently or maliciously so#and the choices the writing makes in service of retaining mystery and audience suspense in fact function to make phoenix a person#who is astute and puts the pieces together but is cautious in his conclusions#i will grant them that phoenix does tend to lose sight of his overarching goal in getting drawn into proving or disproving minor points#the fact that edgeworth on the other hand never loses sight of this or where the various arguments stand in relation to it#is his sexiest trait as a character by far#but those minor points are actually functionally critical to the ultimate argument phoenix makes#so even though i do read that trait through the game mechanics i do also judge the other characters for being dicks about it#my point is phoenix wright does in fact have the character of a lawyer and is conventionally good at his job fucking fight me#my point is that you all have had 20 goddamn years to Rotate this man#my POINT is that there should be Intricate Fucked Up Meditations On Phoenix that rewire my fucking brain and i NEED to know where they are!
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and you may say to yourself: "my god! what have i done?" and you may tell yourself: "this is not my beautiful wife!" and you may tell yourself: "this is not my beautiful house!" and you may ask yourself: "well, how did i get here?"
time isn't holding up, time isn't after us, time is a pony ride! (images described in alt text)
#gravity falls#fiddleford mcgucket#LETTING THE [FIDDLEFORD FRI]DAYS GO BY#“sir it's tuesday” i know. my computer has been busted for two weeks so i couldn't post them when i wanted to. just let me have this#again still new to alt text. i like being a little bit silly but let me know if it gets in the way of accessibility#artwork of the damned#uhhhh yeah this is actually something ive kind of wanted to draw for years now#favorite guy + favorite band = prime high-effort meme material#also. for the record. yes i have a mcgucket playlist. yes it has three talking heads songs on it. no none of them are “once in a lifetime”#also also i know that the lyrics in the description are in the wrong order. it's on purpose. i put them backwards for dramatic effect#also also also i'm pretty sure the “time is a pony ride” line is not actually sung on the album version of the track#but if you listen to/watch the live version from “stop making sense” you will hear it!#as well as hear a much more satisfying ending to the song imo. rather than it just fading out it has some really nice vocals#basically the moral of this story is you should watch “stop making sense”#if you made it to the end of the tags: congrats! you win a prize! the prize is permission to reblog this post
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zayne and his carrot nemesis x 🥕
#can anyone who picked 'your cafetaria should be bigger' reply on zayne's squirrel post tell me what zayne said#love and deepspace zayne#i really wanted to pick that choice initially#lads zayne#lads mc#love and deepspace#carrot is the easiest vegetable for me to eat rather than the green vegetables i don't understand characters who dislike carrots :^(#love and deepspace mc#fanart#zayne#mc#windy carrot#especially if made into chicken soup
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i think i got blessed by the cosplay gods again because i was looking for fake leather for some armour and i managed to find 2 identical xl leather jackets AND a tablecloth in the exact right colour
#ramble#cosplay#i actually hope i find another jacket bc one of them is really nice and i might keep it asdjfdhd#would recommend thrifting for cosplay fabric bc it ends up being £10 of material vs £50+++#my isobel coat is also made of a tablecloth :3#i didn't want to buy a roll of fake leather bc it's too expensive for my first time making leather armour lmao#i know fake leather is plastic but i would rather make something than have them go in the bin y'know#this isn't even for next week this is for mcm in may bc i'm starting my job soon and i will have No free time
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in case you are in the mood to feel devastated here’s an alternate way of viewing charles’ response to edwin’s confession:
we know that charles kinda puts edwin on a pedestal- yes they are partners but there is a bit of a hierarchy between them. charles just looks up to and admires edwin in so many ways while constantly looking down on and being really hard on himself. he puts on his big happy persona because he thinks that people wouldn’t like him if they actually got to know him.
so when edwin confesses, it’s like a blow to him. he took his charming persona too far and went and tricked the most important person in the world into thinking he was worthy of love. and it’s worse because he does love edwin in that way, which is exactly why he can’t let him know that. charles still believes that he is like his dad, and he saw exactly what his parents’ relationship did to his mother.
he thinks that loving edwin in the way that he wants to would only cause more pain to this boy who has already been through far more than he deserves. so he blinks back his tears, attempts the same charming smile he’s used all these years, and dishes out the gentlest non-rejection in the history of forever
#i don’t really think this is what happened but my brain just loves to add an extra sprinkle of angst to everything#but honestly the more that i study that scene the more i think this is a possibility#at least to some extent#like specifically his facial reactions after edwin says he’s in love with him#he looks panicked and devastated#almost like it was something he thought about before and was afraid of it happening#and then he cracks his little joke to downplay it because he isn’t ready to accept that what’s really happening#because he already had to watch edwin get dragged away before he could step in to protect him and now this#his two worst nightmares became reality in hell#anyways i do think he’s just oblivious and will figure it out in season 2#but i just wanted to ramble#i do think a lot of the reason why he has to figure things out is because he’s afraid he’s a bad person#so it’s more him figuring out if he’s good enough to love edwin rather than if he actually does#okay i’m done yapping for now#dead boy detectives#payneland#charles rowland
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this disability pride month, stop making jokes about people in wheelchairs standing up or walking.
can I stand and walk? sure, for a short while and with pain. the consequences for trying to be out all day without a wheelchair are that I'll be in bed for the rest of the week, too tired and in too much pain to move.
but the government won't give me my own wheelchair because they have the same attitude as these jokes - I can stand up, so I don't need one. exercise is good for you, you should walk!
it keeps me trapped in the house, unable to do anything more than short stints anywhere without borrowing or hiring a wheelchair - one that causes me pain to sit in and relies on someone to push me (usually with difficulty), because they're not going to have a high-end chair for that sort of thing.
it's not a miracle that a wheelchair user can stand or walk. it's something we should aspire to see more often.
#disability#disability pride month#chronic fatigue#fibromyalgia#cfs/me#post exertional malaise#like fucking hell people we should really be long past this by now#why am I seeing these bullshit jokes on my dash in twenty fucking twenty three#i did a short walk to a cafe yesterday because I thought I was up to it#and my right leg has seized up#my ankle can barely take my weight and my hip won't move properly#also lol I almost certainly have hEDS but cannot persuade a doctor to give me a referral#in summary#stop being fucking dense#i would rather people who don't need mobility aids use them than have people struggle because they don't want to be seen as a faker#or have people think that you have to reach a certain level of severity before you need it#also if I had a wheelchair I would bring my cat with me more places but that's by the by
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I wonder how many people really love and relate to Alisaie because they too were the girl who struggled to understand how folks around her could act like suffering and selfishness and hivemind behavior was normal and their softness was called a weakness and so they built up an abrasive exterior to force people to take them seriously and now they don't know how to be vulnerable without feeling embarrassed or cringe even though they still feel things so deeply it's almost suffocating...
#it's me#i feel like i really understand why ali is always trying to prove herself#how strong and capable she is#that she isn't just emotional or impulsive#like i stated on another post alisaie's “violence” is more related to both her desire to be taken seriously#and also her preference for direct action rather than politics#she's a protector and defendor#and she is deeply frustrated by the way the world turned out#and i think she partially has felt very lonely in that for a long time#she just wants people to do right by each other#and she hates to see suffering and injustice#and she maybe hates even more that the general public kind of just falls in line#alisaie#alisaie leveilleur
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The Winchesters could not do Dungeon Meshi, but the Toudens could do Supernatural, you feel me?
#dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#laios touden#falin touden#except falin’s takeaway from her death experience was ‘actually I want to try living life#independent of my loved ones and according to my own whims; though I will come home to them in the end’#rather than the spn ‘that was really cool self-sacrifice; it’s my turn next in this endless cycle’
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Leo getting hit with a truth curse but instead of forcing him to admit to super sad or worrying things it’s things like “it was me who broke the remote” “I saw Mikey prank Donnie and helped hide it because it’s way funnier if he didn’t know who it was” “I rip my clothes to look more like Raph’s because he’s really cool” “my stripes aren’t even red they’re pink!”
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rise leo#plot twist he COULD be admitting angsty stuff but he’s pushing the less oof truths forward instead on purpose#raph: hey leo what do you want for dinner#leo: *about to bare his soul on all his internal torment but pivots* I’m afraid of snakes#(no but fr Leo’s stripes being technically more pink instead of red is cute ngl)#(a very reddish pink to the point that in certain lighting it looks red but at the base they’re p pink)#(i also am very fond of the idea that Leo doesn’t just have questionable taste in fashion he also just loves Raph a lot and looks up to him)#but yeah I think that something like this would be 99% Leo admitting to unimportant things or admitting to how much he values everyone#like they all KNOW Leo loves them and he’s talked them up enough for them to know but it’s different when he’s like#‘I just wanna read my comics with you guys around - it’s my favorite place to be’#or again just random bs that doesn’t REALLY have a lot of weight like#‘I like using my portals to prank random people around the world’#‘I’m worried about being a bad influence on hueso jr’#‘sometimes I kinda wanna see hypno’s plans succeed’#‘it’s been way too long since I found this out and honestly it’s embarrassing but I actually don’t have a di-‘#SORRY COULDNT HELP MYSELF#(<-but did u know that that pink rather than red observation actually ties into this headcanon as well if u know about red eared sliders)
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the lamb smiling up at the wolf with unsettling passivity etc etc
#i already made the first comparison but i will do it again#humans who arent normal about how vampires need to take human life to survive 🙂↕️#humans who do terrible things and are bad people embracing vampirism 🙂↕️🙂↕️#humans with incredibly skewed morals who want to consume humanity and be with their immortal companions forever 🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️#theres something extra i wanted to include but couldnt really because of how i feel its more implied rather than outright stated for daniel#how madeleine mentions she got food and cigarettes in exchange for sex with the german soldier but what she craved was comfort#and how daniel hides his desire for intimacy by telling himself sex with men was something he had to do for drugs and survival and thats it#iwtv#madeleine eparvier#daniel molloy
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charmed + disarmed
#maccadam#MTMTE#TF Pharma#moving GIF#does this count as bot jewelry or lingerie?#they're supposed to be magnets with tassels#rhinestones and such#though that looks more like a flickering electric grid on his turbine than a sparkling net reflecting ambient light#which I suppose might be rather apt for the genre#but really the unsubtle effect is because I didn't want to put any more effort into this thing than I already have#even though this is just repurposing old art#...one of these days I'll draw something new#in the meantime I have a lot of writing to do
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you wanted to be a good friend, because you loved your friends, but the truth was that everyone else somehow had a pamphlet on being normal that you never received. most of the time you learn by trial-and-error. you are terrified of the next big mistake you make, because it seems like the rules are completely arbitrary.
you've learned to keep the prickly parts of your personality in a stormcloud under your bed - as if they're a second version of you; one that will make your friends hate you. it feels feral, burning, ugly.
instead, you have assembled habits based on the statistical likelihood of pleasing others. you're a good listener, which is to say - if you do speak up, you might end up saying the wrong thing and scaring off someone, but people tend to like someone-who-listens. or you've got no true desires or goals, because people like it when you're passive, mutable. you're "not easy to fluster" which is to say - your emotions are fundamentally uninteresting to others around you; so you've learned to control them to a degree that you can no longer really feel them happening.
you have long suspected something is wrong with you, but most of the time, googling doesn't help. you are so-used to helping-yourself, alone and with no handbook. the reek of your real self feels more like a horrible joke - you wake up, and, despite all your preparations, suddenly the whole house is full of smoke. the real you is someone waiting to ruin your other-life, the one where you're normal and happy. the real-self is unpredictable, angry.
your real self snarls when people infantilize the whole situation. because if you were really suffering, everyone seems to think you'd be completely unable to cope. but you already learned the rules, so you do know how to cope, and you have fucking been coping. it's not black-and-white. it's not that you are healed during the other times - it's just that you're able to fucking try. and honestly, whenever you show symptoms, it's a really fucking bad sign.
because the symptoms you have are ugly and unmanageable for others. your symptoms aren't waifish white girl things. they're annoying and complicated. they will be the subject of so many pretentious instagram reels. if they cared about you, they'd just show up on time. you care, a lot, so deeply it burns you. you like to picture a world where the comments read if they loved you, they'd never need glasses to see. but since that's a rule you've seen repeated - "one must never be late or you are a bad friend" - you constantly worry about being late and leave agonizingly early. there are no words for how you feel when you're still late; no matter how hard you were trying.
so you have to make up for it. you have to make up for that little horrible real you that you keep locked in a cabinet. you are bad at answering emails so every project you make has to be perfect. you are weird and sensitive so you have to learn to be funny and interesting. you are an inconvenience to others, so you become as smooth as possible, buffing out all the rough parts.
all this. all this. so people can pass their hands over you and just tell you just the once -how good you are. you're a good friend. you're loveable.
#spilled ink#woke up at 530 to write this lmafo#me in a cold sweat:#how do i be normal#edit in the tags:#hey so i've seen y'all talk about like ... wondering if ur ''allowed'' to relate#like if this is about X specific diagnosis#and when i first posted it i really almost labelled it ''please don't assume this is about a specific condition''#because as an artist i am often walking this line of discussing a symptom or discussing my conditions etc#and sometimes yes ! i do want to talk about an experience that is specific to who i am and my condition#but sometimes the effort of the post is about the EXPERIENCE rather than the diagnosis#because yes i am not neurotypical and as a result that influences my work but it is ALSO true that there are many reasons#why someone might experience this particular vague horrible feeling that you are... almost being CHASED by what you ''really'' are.#that you're outrunning your symptoms... that you're not really normal you're just sort of a mockery of a person#.... that's a really isolating and horrible way to feel no matter why you are feeling it. and the nature of this PARTICULAR post is that#it is inherently talking ABOUT that sense of isolation & of feeling not-deserving & of minimizing your own experiences to make urself#palatable for society in a way that others find easy-to-deal-with....#this post is about a certain experience such that my impression is there's a higher likelihood that those who relate#would have more difficulty thinking they ''deserve'' to relate - that it doesn't REALLY belong to them#bc often we are the kind of people who are SO used to being alienated and set aside and ''different'' that we AUTOMATICALLY assume#that things are not ''for'' us... they never have been why would it start now#we are the kinds of people to be ... ''too normal for X diagnosis but too symptomatic to be normal''#[or as this post points out... so good at ''coping''/masking/hiding it that we essentially conform to whatever shape we're poured into]#but i have witnessed others already say in the tags ''thought this was about me but it's about X so it can't be''#and im like ... of course it was about you.#art is not a resource that is diminished by greater appreciation .#you reflect in whatever mirror fits your frame. not just the ones in your bedroom. not just the ones i specifically give you.#there will be - and often are - times that i will talk about my specific conditions... but if you're reading this#regardless of why you're here... we are here together. holding hands through space and time. and i love you for carrying it#and i know you're exhausted. i am too. but i understand. and i see you.
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not enough discussion about the gavins' complicated relationship with feminine-coded/beauty products, i don't think.
#for klavier because it's not as direct it's about how we never see him actually wearing lipstick? even though apollo literally attends#a concert of his which is where you'd most expect him to wear makeup. but apparently he just doesnt. or at least not in public#klavier gavin#kristoph gavin#i feel like there are several ways you can read into it. the misogyny/toxic masculinity one is really obvious clearly with kristoph's#singling out of men specifically and klavier's (probably accidental?) condescending manner of calling women 'fraulein' plus his general#mildly patronising attitude towards many of the women in the game (also probably unintentional)#(i think he's trying to be charming and it's coming off wrong to some of them. like ema. and me.)#but i feel like there's also maybe an element of... inherent perfecfionism to it? like both of these products are conventionally beautifyin#products and kristoph while he is open to showing people he uses nail polish specifically chooses one that's clear and missable unless you#see him apply it. he also feels the need to justify his use of it and specifically spell it out as something he chooses to do rather than#needs to do even though duh. that should be obvious.#idk there's just something about his seeming need to take control of that narrative that i find interesting. his need to spin it into a#'there's nothing wrong with my nails but I had the foresight to see that even the smallest parts of my appearance should be kept immaculate#and it's a choice i'm making to refine an already adequate part of my personage /not/ to cover some unsightly defect.' the need to emphasis#that specifically is so. hm. and with klavier i could see it being a case of him liking makeup liking the pops of colour yet being unwillin#to admit to it because he's afraid that other people might see it as him being dissatisfied with his own appearance regardless of if he is#or isn't. or even just perceiving colourful makeup as being unseemly because it's so overt and unnatural.#like i can see this as them both viewing 'real' beauty to be that which is inherent to a person and seemingly effortless#thus somehow negating the beauty which one achieves through cosmetics or other external means.#and if you want to use external means to achieve beauty or neatness or whatever then your only valid options are those which blend into you#natural state. like clear nail polish. or really awful spray tan.#i feel like klavier's less confined by these ideas (if they hold merit at all) considering he actually owns coloured lipstick and he wears#jewellery (admittedly quite 'masculine' jewellery no gems or pearls or anything like that but jewellery nonetheless) but i think it just#makes it more interesting that he doesnt seem quite able to cross the line anyway. like it's that ingrained into his system.#anyway that's all i've got. you guys should tell me what you think too#annotations
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