#is his sexiest trait as a character by far

[ladythot]

Baki boys (not them all but pick who you like so far) Dick headcanons

I probably don't need to tell you that any of em are about the sizes of a horse's LMAO

Warnings: Dick talk, 18+, oh this is crack

Characters: Yujiro, Jack, Baki, Sikorsky, Doyle

Yujiro's is more than anything big you could imagine probably. Might I say his sons inherited this trait too but Jack's a bit different, he's an inch or two longer than yujiro with just about a fine line sticking out the edge. But of course, there's no point on being picky if two of them wouldn't even fit inside an ordinary person on their own. Anyway, I think this man's Dick can make you cum 10 times another minute you catch a breathe. He's pretty veiny too, you wouldn't see the whole thing with the ginormous amount of vein hugging it. You wouldn't even Dare call it a Dick.

Jack: now this gentleman will prove you an evidence of a cock that's more than the size of your arm once he slaps you with his meat just like the use of an entire arm. Not the typical Dick you'd write home about, he's got veins all over it but they're firm and neat unlike yujiro. His length's about over the back of any human cunt. Here's a lil sex headcanon about him; He refuses to put all that weight inside his s/o. He'll tell them he's inside whole but really it's just half in, he convinces himself he perhaps will be able to cum that way at least, that he knows they won't be able to take him entirely.

Baki: probably the shortest out of the two—it's slim-curved, less veiny til it's hard and throbbing mad. It's thick, it makes you think he really inherited some Dick nutrients from yujiro. You'd be afraid of it too. I'll say his Dick was the only part that was saved (for last probably, you'd bite it anyway) from all his scars.

Sikorsky: pretty neat one. Makes you think of a silicone dildo. I'll headcanon he doesn't like pubic hair so he shaves em all, he's not that clean. His dirty actions ruins the glossiness of his cock. Also less veiny about six engulfing him, his veins are hella big and noticeable.

Doyle: has the sexiest looking Dick around. Wields the finest of all shapes, it's curved as if it'll hit the perfect spot in no time. Two veins by the side and one by the bottom that trails hugging the base upward, the last goes noticeable as well. Y'know, the typa Dick you'd write home about after seein it.

[our-detective-so-supreme]

For the ask game

19), 9), 38) and 14)

Thanks for the ask! :D

19) Which is the funniest moment in the series?

Moran in the anime version of the Phantom of Whitechapel arc, specifically at the start and end. I can't help but crack up when he calls Louis a "traitor". 'Cause it's like? How??? XD

To clarify: I know what he was getting at in that scene, but I can't help but laugh at him! At least he comes around later.

Then at the end when Jack joins the team, again, idk what Moran was so worked up about, but it's just so hysterical! Especially his "Huh?!" in the dub!

9) Sexiest character

Just one?

Well, Moran is basically 75% of the series' fanservice; I mean, look at those muscles! Well, actually most of the guys are ripped-

Then of course, there's William with his infamous line that sends chills up my spine every time!

I don't think I can choose just one; I could so easily measure them on a scale of cute to sexy, however! (I'll have to do that for a separate post, though; these answers are getting kinda long-)

38) Do you read or watch any other adaptations of Sherlock Holmes?

As a matter of fact, I do! :)

The Granada TV series is one that I'll always recommend; it was actually what got me to read the canon again! The attention to detail and faithfulness to the source material are things I never get tired of. There is a reason subsequent adaptations pay homage to the late Jeremy Brett; he was literally born for the role. (Heck, he was even Jean Doyle's headcanon Sherlock)

And while I'm currently taking a break from it (very long story), the Hayao Miyazaki & Kyosuke Mikuriya collab that is Meitantei Holmes (known in English as Sherlock Hound) is another great anime based on Sherlock Holmes. It has many of the traits typical of the Ghibli movies. Need I say more? Also, that version of Moriarty is essentially inB4 Waluigi.

The Great Mouse Detective (the children's books, not the Disney film, though it's good too) is another series I've enjoyed so far, even though I've only covered three of the eight books so far. I look forward to continuing when I get the chance!

Much like YuuMori, these three are also really great introductions to the canon, or just enjoyable on their own.

I've seen others, too, but I don't think I can really recommend them as much. Maybe I should make a tier list one of these days!

14) What is your favorite quote or scene?

The scene in The Final Problem arc where Fred tells William there's really no reason for him to die had an impact on me.

Because aside from it being absolutely true, it's also the first time Fred speaks up without so much as a nudge from anyone else. That was all on his own accord. And if he does finally get a backstory in Part 2 (please Miyoshi-sensei!) , it will only add more to his speech later on. Though even without a backstory, it still tells us how much William means to Fred (and the others as well, obviously).

[mammameesh]

Weekend Wip Game

thank you @jesuisici33

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more)

Without a 2nd thought Fantasy Island By the Seashore Drabbles - Halloween Knotted Frozen Over

Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

Without a 2nd thought (Schitt's Creek) (63,283 words)

Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest? I think Seashore will be?

Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why? Seashore

Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why? Fantasy Island. Um…plotting? I've started it several times.

Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about? Why? Fantasy Island. I've never written Magical Realism before. It starts as a rare ship.

Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why? A-noble dragon is reading Seashore and has hopefully agreed to help me by betaing noted. I don't typically use a beta because I have a lot of self-doubt. If you are reading this, you can apply and just cheerlead (also I'm dyslexic so I do have issues with grammar and staying in the same tense)

Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block? Without a 2nd thought :(

Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them? Rose Hockley/Alex Hill from Without a 2nd thought. Barely OCs.

Which WIP is the sexiest? Knotted is ABO so….

Which WIP is the angstiest? Probably Fantasy Island?

Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

I'm so in love with my Autistic!David. His personality is quite different from canon David, but I've tried to balance canon traits so he's not too out of character.

Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)? I think Seashore since It's not in Schitt's Creek?

Which WIP have you worked the hardest on? Probably Without a 2nd thought since it's the longest?

Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why? I don't know what this means! My Seashore is fairly popular?

Do you dream about any of your WIPs? Yes. All the time. Every night…

Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't? I'm going to say Seashore because David is Autistic.

Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour? maybe my drabbles IDK

Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process? Without a 2nd thought has Stevie and Alexis POV but they are the minor ship. Fantasy Island it's going to be David's POV, Stevie's POV and Patrick's so far…

Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs How am I supposed to know what you do or don't know?

@a-noble-dragon, @ramonaflow no pressure tags.

[philosophicalparadox]

For the deranged ask, 4, 5, and 6!

4. Do you write in public? Like where people can see your screen?

Hell to the hell no lolllllll I would rather die. Writing discreetly at home on my phone is one thing. But no, never in a public place. I won’t even write essays in public. Won’t do art either. Inevitably some nosey nobody ends up looking over and trying to start a conversation about it and nope, I’m good. I’d rather not.

5. Who's the sexiest non-human character in your current fandom? (must actually diverge from human sexual characteristics - no elves or asari)

Hmmmm….pure monster-fuckery huh? Dunno if there really is one that has no human traits at all, but among the fandoms I presently occupy probably Farcille. (DM) If I’m going to completely ignore the no-human sex characteristic (how, exactly, is that meant to be taken????) then unironically Amaimon. (Blue Exorcist) Dunno why it is but that demon boi is something else. Mephisto’s got his appeal but Amaimon wins by a hair just because I like his aesthetic better lol. In the newly revisited Naruto fandom 100% young Orochimaru wins for me. He’s so pretty. (Especially in the manga, which makes him look younger overall)

6. What nasty/evil/maladjusted character traits do you enjoy exploring in your little meow-meows?

What traits don’t I enjoy exploring is a better question 😝 I’m open to pretty much anything as long as I’ve got the right character and the right angle. That said I gotta say, I am a sucker for possessive characters, and for general “mate guarding” behaviour, be it strictly jealousy or justifiable defence. Also a real sucker for the “runs away from love or affection because they don’t believe they Can be loved” trope.

Also fond of exploring power dynamics, and love to pick apart where a character is in their respective hierarchy and sort of centering my character interactions with them based on that to some degree; if character A were to push, would B shove back? Or bow out? And while this does not inherently seem toxic, or maladaptive, believe me it absolutely can be. Some characters just don’t know when to back off or seem to misunderstand the disparity between where they think they are and where they actually are in the pecking order. I inexplicably love to sort that stuff out, by fair means or foul; sexy or downright disgusting.

Speaking of foul, in the spirit of the question, by far the most “evil” thing I’ve explored in a blorbo however is probably a rapists mind frame. (Thank you Berserk for making that so easy). That was honestly an interesting character study moment for me, and weirdly cathartic, but I ended up scrapping the scene because it was just a litttttttle too much for that particular narrative (somehow) at the time.

I have since revisited the concept mentally a few times, with other characters, at least one of which ticks every box — maladaptive, nasty and evil — but I’ve not written any of it down just yet. It takes a braver soul than I to post a one shot scene of such brutal depravity solely because I know I can never write just one chapter 😮‍💨 and I don’t need more tummy-hurting projects right now lol

Thanks for asking @thebeingofeverything !

[camalyng]

psqqa:

#where are all the people gnawing on phoenix's bones so white?? #i need to find the phoenix bone-gnawing corner of this fandom PLEASE #this is me asking for the Phoenix Fic btw #where is the fic meditating on phoenix's whole mental state in general? #where is the fic about how it's phoenix's cageyness and poker face and flat affect under stress that is the hurdle? #the relationship ramifications of being actually really fucking hard to read when it comes down to it? #where is the fic about the week of his disbarment? #the one detailing the panicked blow by blow of it rippling through his social circle while he stands in the eye of the storm? #the one that ends messy and anxious and unresolved because it's week 1 of 7 years? #where is the birth of phoenix wright: poker legend fic? #where is the art school/theatre major phoenix fic? #no not the able to art/act phoenix fic but the kind of person who chooses to go to art school/study theatre phoenix fic #where is the supremely disinterested in pop culture phoenix fic? #where is the actually incredibly meticulous and competent phoenix fic? #capcom can tell me all they want that he's essentially an adhd disaster flying by the seat of his pants making it all up as he goes #but that's not what they're actually showing me #they're the ones who created an in-fiction legal system that functionally necessitates that #and the nature of the game is that phoenix is almost always proven right so rather than him coming off as hare-brained #his opponents rather just come off as short-sighted. either negligently or maliciously so #and the choices the writing makes in service of retaining mystery and audience suspense in fact function to make phoenix a person #who is astute and puts the pieces together but is cautious in his conclusions #i will grant them that phoenix does tend to lose sight of his overarching goal in getting drawn into proving or disproving minor points #the fact that edgeworth on the other hand never loses sight of this or where the various arguments stand in relation to it #is his sexiest trait as a character by far #but those minor points are actually functionally critical to the ultimate argument phoenix makes #so even though i do read that trait through the game mechanics i do also judge the other characters for being dicks about it #my point is phoenix wright does in fact have the character of a lawyer and is conventionally good at his job fucking fight me #my point is that you all have had 20 goddamn years to Rotate this man #my POINT is that there should be Intricate Fucked Up Meditations On Phoenix that rewire my fucking brain and i NEED to know where they are!

yes, yes i know edgeworth’s big wet eyes and loser boy personality have captivated us all, but listen. listen.

phoenix wright

phoenix “genuinely unable to reconcile the girl on the stand with the girl he dated for eight months, a cognitive dissonance so profound it’s ultimately explained by them being literally two different people, but which he first sits with for five years and does not talk about at any point to anyone” wright

phoenix “don’t mention that name to me. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to think about it. i am just going to keep myself in this state of perpetual crisis mode focus on other people’s problems until eventually i die and get to hang out with mia on the astral plane and never have to deal with any of these emotions ever again” wright

phoenix “overnight loses his career and reputation and sense of identity while gaining an adopted, probably pretty traumatized eight-year-old daughter, and rather than leaning on his friends for help, or getting therapy, or taking any time to process any of this, he *checks notes* spends seven years dedicating all his free time and energy to investigating the weird fucking circumstances around it and maintains a friendship with the guy he suspects was behind it all” wright

phoenix "runs across a burning bridge and falls through it, half a day after the game establishes that he is terrified of heights, because his friend is on the other side of that bridge" wright

phoenix “i sure felt surprised. maybe i had my poker face on” wright

phoenix “looking back on it that was actually a pretty dark period in my life” wright

phoenix “don’t ask me how i got started. i don’t remember” wright

phoenix “only you stood still, your eyes calmly watching” wright

phoenix “sometimes, life just sucks” wright

just

phoenix wright

crunchiest man in the world

and all i wanna do is chew and chew and chew on him

[jungshookz]

teeny tidbits: emma comes home past curfew & y/n's not happy about it

➺ genre; kindergartenteacher!taehyungiverse!! honk honk humour!! sixteen year old emma reminds y/n of herself and she doesn't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing

➺ wordcount; 1.5k

➺ p.s. this takes place far faR off into the future!! i just thought it'd be nice to see emma as a spunky teenager :'))

(unfortunately i wasn’t able to track down the original maker of this gif but this is where i sourced it from! all credits go to the original creator of course :-))

. ⋅ ˚̣- : ✧ : – ⭒ ⊹ ⭒ – : ✧ : -˚̣⋅ .

the sound of the front door rattling at four in the morning would usually be something that would terrify pretty much anybody, but for you-

"oh, come on!"

it's really just another day in the life.

"em's home," taehyung reaches over slowly to pat your stomach and wake you up (as if you haven't been up waiting for the past four hours), his voice laced with sleep as he rolls to the side, "i'll go open the-"

"nope." you reach over to turn the lamp on before flicking the covers off and stepping out of bed, adjusting the strap of your tank top before pointing a finger at taehyung, "you're not opening anything."

"okay, well-" taehyung pauses before propping himself up a little to frown at you, "wait, what?"

"you know, i cannot believe her-" you snap, pulling your hair up into a bun as you hurry over to the window, "it's like she likes to be grounded! i told her she could go out with her friends as long as she came back before curfew, but no-"

"well, it's not that late, is it?" taehyung tosses the pillow he's hugging to his chest aside before turning to look at the clock sitting on his bedside table, "it's only- oh. it's 4:18."

you unlock the latch on the window before digging your fingers underneath it and pulling it up with a snap, watching as emma rushes out from the front porch at the sudden noise

"why, good morning, miss kim!" you call out, leaning down against the edge of the open window with a bright smile, "now i can rest well knowing you weren't murdered tonight."

"the door's broken or something!" emma strategically ignores your snarky comment, placing a hand on her hip before sticking her hand up in the air to flash you her keys with a jingle, "my keys aren't working!"

"oh, your keys are fine, sweetheart." you let out a sigh before scrunching your nose, "i triple-locked the doors. better to be safe than to be sorry, right?"

"okay, well-" emma pauses, scratching the back of her neck before gesturing towards the door, "are you gonna open the door for me or what? i really have to pee-"

"you could always take a squat and pee in the bushes." you point out, emma's jaw dropping slightly before she lets out a scoff

"are you serious? i'm not taking a piss in the bushes-"

"well, i guess you should've thought of that before coming home four hours past curfew!" your tone changes as soon as you get to the point and even from here you're able to make out the slight twitch of panic that runs through emma's body

"don't be ridiculous, i'm not four hours past curfew-" emma grumbles, turning to pull her phone out of her purse and glancing at it before pausing for a second and then looking back up at you, "i'm... four hours and twenty minutes past curfew. so take that!"

"you know, i was just being nice and i rounded down, but if you wanna say you were four hours and twenty minutes late, we can definitely say you were four hours and twenty minutes late-"

"mom!" emma whines, stomping her foot down on the ground as she shoves her phone back into her (your!!) purse hastily, "you can't just- are you seriously not going to let me into the house?! you're gonna make me sleep out on the front porch?! i can't- what if the coyotes get me?! if the coyotes get me, you're gonna regret this decision so bad-"

"the only thing that's going to attack you in this neighbourhood are the little girl scouts who won't leave you alone until you buy, like, ten boxes of cookies from them-"

"i'm sixteen, mother!" emma cuts you off with another whine and you can't help but roll your eyes at the sight of your daughter throwing a tantrum on the front lawn, "i'm grown! i should be allowed to go out with my friends and come home whenever i want!"

you thought you were 'grown' at sixteen too

(spoiler alert: that was not the case at all.)

obviously you love your daughter more than anything in the world but you hate that she inherited one of the traits that you're not fond too of: your stubbornness

and look, of course you know that she's getting older and that she should be allowed to go and have (safe) fun with her friends but this isn't the first time she's broken the rules and knowing her, it certainly won't be the last time

and it doesn't help that taehyung always gets to play good cop and you have to be the bad one!!!

like last time when the two of you caught emma climbing into the house through one of the windows and she ended up getting stuck - instead of reprimanding her for coming home late again, taehyung just laughed and immediately went over to help her out

sure, the sight of your daughter flailing around trapped in a small window was hilarious, but someone had to be the serious one in the situation (1) she lied to you about just having a chill night with her friends because you're pretty sure a chill night doesn't involve body glitter and the faint smell of vodka on her breath! 2) she climbed up the side of the house like a maniac and could've gotten seriously injured????) and of course the responsibility to do that fell onto your lap

taehyung's also just not very good at disciplining which is why you usually gently push him aside and take the lead and it looks like it's time for you to turn on your i'm not mad, i'm just very disappointed in you act once again

"you're going to wake your brother up if you keep screaming like that, and you know how fussy he gets when he doesn't get a good night's sleep-"

"he's the world's sleepiest baby, i could blow up fireworks in his room and he'd be fine- dad!" emma's eyes immediately light up when a sleepy taehyung suddenly pops up next to you and you raise a brow when he nudges you aside gently, "oh my god, thank god- mom's literally being insane right now, you have to let me in-"

"what time did you say you'd be home?" taehyung interrupts, "because i think we agreed on midnight when i dropped you off at hope's apartment..."

"i-" emma presses her lips together before letting out a little scoff and rolling her eyes, "okay, yes, we- i said i would be home by midnight, yes." she sighs before suddenly perking up again, "it's not my fault, though! no one goes home before midnight, it's so lame- hope's dad lets her stay out as long as she texts-"

"ah, texts! let's talk about that! didn't you say you'd text us to let us know where you were if you weren't home by midnight?" taehyung points out, crossing his arms over his chest before reaching up to stroke at his chin to feign deep thought, "because my phone hasn't gone off all night... has yours, darling?" he hums, turning to glance at you

"nope!" you chime in with a helpless little shrug and you nearly crack a smile when you see emma reach up to pinch the bridge of her nose in frustration, "my phone has been dead silent. no texts. not even an emoji!"

"you hear that, emma? not even an emoji." taehyung tsks, shaking his head in disappointment, "you know what this means, don't you?"

"i'm grounded for two weeks, i know-"

"two weeks?? oh, you're grounded for a month." taehyung pauses for a second before looking down at her again, "and! and you have to change all of your brother's diapers the whole time you're grounded. also, i just want to let you know that he had sweet potatoes for dinner and you know how gassy he gets after a helping of sweet potatoes-"

"a month?!" emma roars and your eye twitches at how high her voice goes, "you can't ground me for a month, lucas is throwing this huge party next weekend and i have to be there! are you kidding m-"

taehyung slides the window back down before emma gets to say anything else and he turns to face you with a grin before opening his arms slightly, "well?? what did you think??"

"i think... that was probably one of the sexiest things you've ever done for me." you laugh lightly, happily giving him a quick kiss when he leans in for one

"duly noted." taehyung beams before letting out a quick sigh and then turning on his heels to head to the door, "okay, i'm going to go let our daughter into the house now because i don't think my hydrangeas are going to survive being peed on-"

🎙️give emma some diaper changing tips (talk to my characters/send in a message!)

✨why don’t you explore the rest of the library while you’re here? (full fics!)

💫or perhaps you want something shorter to read? (drabbles! mini series!)

🌟or something even shorter? (teeny tidbits like this one!)

[house-of-laminations]

I think you know what I’m gonna ask for but uh… directors cut to responsibility please? -🥀

a tl;dr of below the cut -

Me, before writing Responsibility: far out I hate writing Diavolo

Me, after writing Responsibility: far out I love writing Diavolo

Ngl when I first saw your ask I was like ‘uuugghhhh whY did someone have to ask me about diavolo’ bc at that point I had written 0 words speaking about his motivations outside of the greater good of the devildom. However, after thinking about it for a bit - You inspired me my dear 🥀 anon

Before your ask, I'd been tossing around ideas and headcanons about how to read Diavolo's character within canon. It seemed interesting to me that there was this demon who didn't really show all that many demonic tendencies or traits. Sure he's a bit of a dictator, but overall his policies and actions are all for the greater good of the realms. There's a dissonance at the heart of his character that was really tricky and tasty thing to try and wrap my head around. I actually had a meta post in my drafts that talks about exactly that - the dissonance between what it takes to be a leader versus the selfishness at the heart of demons. I deleted it though - This prompt provided me a way to show rather than tell.

The thing you have to understand is that I don't write linearly. If I'm having trouble with a word, section, or sentence, sometimes I'll just leave it half finished and move to a different section of the story. It keeps me writing but sometimes that also means there's the side effect of a half-finished word or sentence by the time I post that I missed bc I don't proofread.

“I can’t be a demon," was the first line I wrote for this.

And then I immediately abandoned it to go back to the safe territory that was writing the brothers. I had discipline though - write a sentence about diavolo and you’d get to write a sentence about the brothers. I wanted to try and give all the brothers a bit of a spotlight - even asmo and Satan who aren’t actually in this fic, and that’s why I made sure their ‘influence’/vibe was more heavily present throughout the entire Drabble. That’s why it’s coming from this place of wrath, and why I tried to write Dia’s true form as being one that is both terrifying but appealing.

Once I started writing about dia’s true form slipping through the cracks I got more comfortable - back to familiar territory of vague prose and random descriptive words thrown together in ways they shouldn’t be. Which. I don’t know if you’ve noticed is my strategy for literally everything. Once I was in a good rhythm I realized that Diavolo embodies so many tensions and tensions are so fun to write about. Characters who acknowledge that they navigate and hold within themselves opposing and disparate ways of being are literally the sexiest to me. So yeah now he’s my favorite to write.

The ‘make him pay’ line at the end was a little homage to the fact that grace - or the forgiving of others unconditionally - can be the most soul shattering experience. Because with grace, there’s no excuse to hold onto any guilt unless it’s to torture yourself - and that’s exactly what diavolo does.

I think that’s everything of note for that fic that I can remember. I hoped you enjoyed this (very tired, incoherent) ramble! 💛

[sevenkittensinatrenchcoat]

Cats 1986 (and Others) vs. 2016

A post I made a few months ago comparing information gathered from interviews with different Cats casts has come up again recently and I’ve heard even more interviews since, so I want to add on to that a little and elaborate on the things I’ve already said.

CW: Some of the language regarding Demeter’s backstory is a bit darker than I’ve previously mentioned

So, I’ve now heard interviews from US Tours III, IV, and V, spanning from 1986 to 2012. They’re all Broadway-based, and the Broadway Revival went in a very different direction, but the three tours were all very similar to each other.

In both the tours and in 2016, the cast was sat down before rehearsals to hear the “story of Cats”. However, this meant two completely different things. The Tour casts were told the plot of the show, who their characters were and what they were meant to be doing. The 2016 was told the story of how the show Cats was created, how ALW had the idea and made a show out of it. No mention of the story and characters. This means that the Tour casts were given useful information for building their characters, while the 2016 cast got something that was interesting but did nothing to help them do their jobs in the present. More emphasis was put on the show’s legacy than on how to actually perform it. Trevor Nunn did the 2016 explaining, I believe, and it sounds like he was on an ego trip, talking about what he did instead of what the cast was supposed to do. Trevor Nunn is one of the few people who knows how the show works, so this is quite frustrating.

Though the Tour cast was given a whole story, most of them only remembered the perspectives of their own characters. The point of learning the plot was so that they knew what they were doing. It wasn’t supposed to matter to the audience. So, everyone mainly focused on their own jobs. But, everyone knew Demeter’s backstory, because it was the first thing they were told and it caught their attention. It almost became a meme that the first sentence of the plot was “Demeter was raped by Macavity”.

The story begins with Demeter having just escaped from Macavity. He kidnapped and raped her. Though she didn’t want it, she kind of enjoyed the sex, which messed with her head quite a bit. Bomba went through the exact same thing, but because she enjoyed it, she acts like the whole thing was nothing more than an annoyance. The two react to the same situation in different ways.

Jacob Brent was either given a toned down version of the story (he mentions kidnapping, but not rape), or he chose to give a toned down version to avoid the uncomfortable subject. 

The 2016 knew that Macavity and Demeter had some sort of backstory, but they weren’t very clear on exactly what happened. They decided that they’d had an abusive relationship, but that the whole thing was consensual and there was no kidnapping, because the only element of this story that the audience can pick up without context is that there was some sort of sexual relationship between Macavity and Demeter, but she’s now afraid of him.

At least one cast member said that Macavity was a rapist, but she didn’t elaborate.

This messed with Demeter’s character far more than anyone expected. The rape element honestly isn’t necessary. Demeter and Macavity had some sort of sex, but it could’ve been consensual, with Demeter enjoying the sex but hating the man. That’s actually what Gillian Lynne seemed to have implied in interviews. However, the kidnapping part of the backstory is important, because it establishes the connection between Demeter and Grizabella. While hiding from Macavity, right before the story begins, Demeter sees Grizabella on the Bad Side of Town. Due to not being a Jellicle before this night, she doesn’t know who she is, and therefore has no bias against her. She just sees this woman living on the streets, humans wondering aloud why she isn’t dead, and felt sympathy for her. 

So, when Grizabella appears at the ball and everyone hates her, Demeter wants to intervene, but she doesn’t want to upset her new friends. She came to the Jellicles for protection and is afraid of them rejecting her for siding with their enemy. Still, she tells the tribe what she knows about Griz, possibly trying to convince them to be nicer to her, but it doesn’t work and Demeter just starts following the crowd.

The lyrics Demeter sings, by themselves, are musical exposition that doesn’t imply sympathy. A line like “You’d really have thought she’d ought to be dead” sounds like it could be played as an insult. The words can either mean “I’m surprising the poor thing’s still alive in her condition” or “Why can’t the bitch fuck off and die already?”. Without the context of Demeter’s backstory, Kim Faure picked the latter, when with the context, it’s clearly meant to be the former. So, Demeter’s delivery of her lines in Glamour Cat in 2016 is venomous, almost sadistic.

Later on, towards the end of act one, 2016 Demeter reaches out to Grizabella like she does in most other versions, despite the earlier delivery. What made her change gears? I have no idea.

So, there was a lot of insight on Demeter. She’s the character with the most detailed backstory, making her the closest thing the show has to a protagonist. 

Another character that gets a lot of attention, as he demands, is Tugger. Many Tugger actors were interviewed. I think he’s the favorite character of the host of the podcast. Different Tuggers from different eras responded to certain topics differently. Tuggers from the 1980s were unaware that Tugger was commonly interpreted as Not Straight and that Tuggoffelees is a thing. But, the more recent the show their from, the more they’re aware of and interested in the topic. The Tour V Tugger joined very late, during the last few years of the tour. He had access to the internet and could see what the fandom was up to. He played Tugger as ambiguously bi and, though he hadn’t thought of it at the time, liked the idea of the Tuggoffelees pairing. Tyler Hanes, 2016 Tugger, was the only one interviewed who played Tuggoffelees on purpose.

Tyler Hanes was very interesting. He watched the 1998 film while preparing for the role and didn’t seem to like it very much. He wanted his version of Tugger to be his own and avoided taking inspiration from any other version. John Partridge’s Tugger and Hanes’ Tugger being so different from each other might’ve been deliberate.

But, the choreography is what really messed with Tugger’s character. The host of the podcast mentioned Tugger’s pelvic thrusts and Hanes said that he wanted to do that sort of thing, but the new choreography removed all of it. He couldn’t make Tugger as horny or sexy as he wanted to. It was a key part of the character, but the choreography just wouldn’t let it happen. The result is that a bunch of queens fangirl over Tugger, but because Tugger’s defining trait in his number is being vain and obnoxious, the reason why he, of all toms, is considering the sexiest is completely lost. He’s just a dick to everyone (except Misto) and they love him anyway. 

Other Tuggers do act like assholes during the number, but it’s not the focus. The lyrics are about Tugger being difficult, but the choreography, often to a comedic degree, isn’t about that. The message of Lynne’s choreography is that DESPITE Tugger being obnoxious, he’s a sex god and that’s what matters to his fans. Blankenbuehlers’s choreography mainly focuses on Tugger being obnoxious, which is a better match to the lyrics, but it makes the character less likable.

Also, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: The two most sexualized numbers are Tugger’s and Macavity’s. Tugger’s number is about a man being sexy. Macavity’s number has two women being sexy. Blankenbuehler redid Tugger’s number, toning down the sexuality, but he left Macavity alone completely, so it’s as sexual as it always is. Male sexuality needs to be toned down, but female sexuality is fine. This is what happens when a woman is replaced with a straight dude. I doubt it was done on purpose, but there was definitely some subconscious bias going on there.

The way the casts talk about the two choreographers is also different. Both of them are treated as the experts on the show, more like how a director is normally treated. But, how well they filled that role varied. Lynne could explain what every single move meant. Those who worked with her knew exactly what they were doing. Nobody has ever described any of Blankenbuehler’s choreography with the same detail. In numbers in 2016 that Blankenbuehler left alone, even without Lynne present at all, everything was clearly explained. Skimble actors, since Skimble’s number wasn’t altered much, describe people who’d worked with Lynne talking them through the choreography. No one talked about Blankenbuehler’s work like that. Every move of Lynne’s Jellicle Ball apparently represented something. Blankenbuehler’s Jellicle Ball looks fine, but there isn’t that level of detail.

The rehearsals of the the choreography were paced differently as well. 2016 was apparently put together in something of a hurry. Most Cats rehearsals begin with several days of the cast studying cats and learning how to move like them. 2016 devoted only a few hours to this. Gillian Lynne reportedly visited a rehearsal and was upset the none of the dancers knew how to move like cats. Cats has unique choreography in a unique cat-like style, but the 2016 team had no time to practice it, so they often come across as a bit too human. They’re talented human dancers, but they’re not very cat-like. Blankenbuehler’s choreography is often in a different, more modern urban style, that doesn’t seem like it was done with cat-like movement in mind.

I don’t hate Blankenbuehler. In behind the scenes stuff, he seems like a nice guy that the team liked working with. But, I don’t think he really understood what his role was. He was a choreographer and he did choreography. This would’ve been fine, even great for any other show, but not Cats.

Most modern musical theatre is based on opera. Characters sing about their feelings and that tells the story. The added element of dance takes the feelings of the song and amplifies them. The actors are emoting with their entire bodies in a larger-than-life way that creates an emotional intensity that audiences can empathize with. The music makes the audience feel what the characters are feeling in a way nothing else really can. Music is kind of magical. You hear a certain melody with certain instruments, and suddenly you’re happy, or sad, or angry.

This, by the way, is why going for realism in musicals is a terrible idea. Musicals don’t exist in physical reality. They exist on an emotional level that realism takes away from.

Cats rarely works like opera. The lyrics are mainly just adaptations of whimsical poems, so they don’t tell you much of anything. Memory, which features original lyrics and no dancing is an exception to this rule. In general, because they’re not dance roles, Grizabella and Old Deuteronomy have to use music and song lyrics to play their parts in the story. Jemima also does this whenever she does something connected to either one of them.

But, Cats is normally more of a ballet than an opera. Ballet tells a story purely through dance. Because the lyrics in Cats matter so rarely, it ends up working like a ballet, because the dance, unrelated to the poems, means something. It’s still a heightened reality where music invokes emotions and actors emote with their whole bodies, like in other musicals, but instead of the dance being an amplifier, it’s the storyteller.

ALW really liked a bunch of poems and wanted to put them to music. The result was a bunch of songs with a similar them but no real connection to each other. That works as a concept album, but Webber wanted a musical, an actual show where people danced to his concept album. He didn’t care about the story and didn’t expect anyone else to.

But, other people cared about the story. No one knew how to make a musical that’s not about something. Trevor Nunn added Memory and the storyline with Grizabella as an emotional centerpiece. There wasn’t a clear plot, but, on an emotional level, it now felt like something was actually happening. Gillian Lynne had no idea how to choreograph a musical about nothing, so she didn’t. She came up with her own interpretations of things and made the show about something. Several somethings, in fact. Victoria is going through puberty and discovering her sexuality. Demeter is recovering from an abusive sexual experience, with Bomba having a different attitude towards being in the same situation. The women in the story were given detailed story arcs that often revolved around their sexuality.

How sexuality is portrayed in Cats could be its own essay. 

Anyway, Cats tells its story with a unique style of choreography. Because the choreographer is the story teller, Lynne had a lot of influence over the show. She was the one who knew all the details. Blankenbuehler was brought in to choreograph a show, like a normal job for him, not knowing what that would actually mean. He came in to have dance amplify the emotions in the song lyrics like in any other musical, not knowing that that’s impossible to do with Cats. The role of choreographer meant a level of knowledge and control that would normally belong to the director, composer, and lyricist. He didn’t realize that the show having any story at all depended on him.

So, he did stuff that looked cool, but didn’t tell the story, or that took the story in a direction that it wasn’t supposed to go. Tugger dancing in front of a giant mirror is funny in the moment, but that sort of narcissism, though funny, isn’t likable, and Tugger needs to be likable. He’s a major character and he helps save the day at the end by hyping up Misto. But, 2016 Tugger hypes up Misto because if feels like Misto is the only cat he truly respects. He has the same respect for Old Deuteronomy that the others have, but he doesn’t sound quite as sincere when he sings about him. He spends so much of his number antagonizing Munkustrap in particular that it’s hard to believe that he has any respect for him.

What can be learned from these interviews is that Blankenbuehler didn’t know what his job truly was and was there because someone important thought Cats would be more popular in 2016 if it was more like Hamilton and got the Hamilton guy to give it a make-over. Nunn was so proud of the show’s success that he neglected what made it successful in the first place, and the 2016 cast was rushed through rehearsals without proper instructions. Everyone tried their best, but they were all stuck.

For the most part, I blame whoever decided to have Blankenbuehler rechoreograph the show. Blankenbuehler did what he thought his job was and the cast did their jobs to the best of their ability. What really ruined Cats 2016 was an executive decision to fix something that wasn’t broken, believing if they made the Old Big Show more like the New Big Show, that would make people love it again. But Hamilton is no more like Cats than a cat is like a dog.

[rinharu-purple]

Hi, nice to meet you!

As a fellow Gavin stan, I found your analysis quite interesting and I'm very happy that someone finally understand the other side of our ginkgo boy... Idk whether you play in CN server or MLQC. I'm just curious, what do you think of Gavin in S2? Because I hear that everything is gonna be different. Also, the latest main story in CN server--do you think the story will be more angst?

Thank youu..

Waiting for more analyzes from you ❤

Dear Anon, 

Thank you very much for your kind words and I’m also happy to meet you ^_^

Please excuse my belated answer. I waited specifically for cheri’s translation of the S2 CH11, so that I could give you a worthy answer <3

I play MLQC, because I don’t understand Chinese (yet), so I am following @cheri-translates on a daily basis for the season 2 material. (Thank you cheri, you’re the best! (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc) )

From what we get so far, Gavin shows some differences in his aura and character in S2 due to two main reasons:

1) He didn’t have the extreme teenage drama from S1 (except for his mother’s passing)

2) He and MC were companions during high school, so their relationship has a healthier fundament.

The events of the second season take place in a “parallel universe”, therefore MC’s relationships vary from those in S1. But also the Loveland City they are in is a different one, with different players but also different villains. So things DO change in S2 in general.

What do I think about Gavin in S2?

I - AM - IN - LOOOOOOOVVVEEEE - WITH - HIM!!! <3 <3 <3

Gavin was the main reason I watched the anime and downloaded the game in the first place. He was a very caring, understanding, talented and *ehm extremely good looking guy. He still is btw. This guy has a very big heart and is the most human among all LIs if you ask me. But sometimes I had the feeling in S1, that he wasn’t reaching to his full potential. His love for MC was at times awkward, mainly because he doubted himself a lot and was underestimating himself in many topics with regards to MC. His past with his father and brother was also weighting on him big time. Thus affecting his actions to a great extent. Gavin’s potential was bound by ball and chains and he didn’t seem to be able to free himself from them. And yet, he was a resilient guy, who made peace with his past, always finding the love&faith in his heart and following his own path. Those unnecessary insecurities caused by his experiences were Gav-babe’s downside in S1.

In the second season, we meet a very self confident Gavin who doesn’t get worked up in front of MC easily, let alone shy away from her. On the contrary, Gavin is teasing MC shamelessly and even toys around with her as he lets her hover over the ocean. Would you ever think that S1 Gavin would dare to do that? :D He interrogates her just for the kicks even though he doesn’t suspect her one bit, or asks her if he should detain her, since she looked like she was asking for it (I really recommend you to read the scene in CH11). Gavin is carefree towards MC and this makes him unbelievably attractive. Sure, I was surprised at first as I saw him immobilizing MC after meeting her for the first time after many years and was afraid, that he would be hostile towards her. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case...so far.

In S1, Gavin and MC were already in a harmonious relationship and were moving forward side by side gradually. But they were also having difficulties in terms of protecting each other from harm’s way and hiding their dangerous missions or wounds from each other. Which didn’t go along with a healthy relationship, even though they came a long way by the end of the S1. Plus, their positions weren’t even equal in respect of being a couple since Gavin was quite the simp and was insecure at times about his interactions with the MC. There was a teenage Gavin in him, who was telling him that he wasn’t good enough for her, that he is useless, that he is worthless. Therefore he always had his gloves on, so the speak.  

These insecurities are downed to a minimum in S2 and Gavin no longer has the self loathing inner thoughts, so it feels as though, he is the real Gavin. The Gavin who he could be, he should be. Up to this point (S2 CH11). I feel like we are watching a Gavin who’s reached, or is reaching, to his full potential. 

In S2, we see him co-operating with MC right from the beginning with little reluctance at first, which is natural since -you know- they are working for the opposing sides. But then we saw in CH11, that they make one hell of a team! In all honesty, Gavin and MC don’t even need to talk to each other to understand what the other thinks. We witnessed many times in S1 when they were thinking/saying/doing the same thing at the same time. But this time, they are aware of the fact that they can see through each other without words. Moreover, they banter with each other by calling one another out. Which is mostly Gavin calling her out btw. This almost flirt-like sweet bantering makes their interaction all the more titillating to me. The chemistry between them is very evident and Papergames makes sure to let us producers know, the attraction is mutual and on equal grounds. Maybe its only my opinion, but I find S2 Gavin way more sexier than the Version 1.0. But its probably because I find self-confidence to be the sexiest trait a person can have. 

On a side note, Gavin also doesn’t display jealousy as in S1 and I believe this also has to do with his self confidence. Jealousy is an emotion which arouses from lack of self-confidence and trust. And the level of trust Gavin and MC share in S2 is off the charts, dare I claim.

One might even say, that the tables have turned in S2. MC has her memories from S1 whereas Gavin has started having flashbacks or dreams about their past just recently. Because of that MC already carries her romantic feelings from S1, she is the one with denser emotions in the new chapters and is rather insecure in front of Gavin. Thus making herself vulnerable for his “toying sessions”. Gavin on the other hand is beginning to explore his heart’s desires towards MC only piece by piece. He cares a great deal about her and is drawn to her inevitably, but can’t quite put his finger on it. His body and soul is already reacting to her, but his mind is a little bit slow on this front. But as stated in R&S “Inevitable”, his heart is destined to get drawn to hers. 

Whether the story is going to get angstier...Let’s not fool ourselves, Papergames has the word angst in block letters carved in marble in their office. So yeah, I am pretty sure that the story is going to get angstier. But I haven’t seen anything as angsty as in S1 CH13, 14, 15, 18. Those chapters were really hard to read, but let’s wait and see.

Another important point about Gavin’s character in S2 is related to his position. He is now the Commander of the STF and therefore carries a heavier responsibility than in S1. We see in every chapter how strategically he is acting and picking the best option in which nobody gets hurt. He is still a maverick and does things in his own way and yet he is now well aware of the fact that each of his actions are affecting great numbers of people. With his subordinates he shares special bonds all the while keeping them disciplined and whatever he does, he prioritizes everybody’s safety equally (only with MC as an exception).  Of course, this was one of his strengths also in S1, but in S2, he can have a bigger impact, since he has more resources to do so. He has become the perfect leader.

Which can be tied to his balanced temper. In S1 there were times, where Gavin wasn’t able to control his Evol and caused mayhem. We haven’t seen any uproar like this in S1 so far. Gavin is in control of his Evol, his emotions and his blushes...hih...well... almost. But he certainly blushes much less in S2. 

So to sum it up, yes, Gavin is different in S2, but in all the good ways and I couldn’t find anything that goes in the wrong direction so far. We have a more mature, confident and experienced Gavin in S2 and I can simply say:

AMEN

I hope my answers can help you with your questions and you can always feel free the contact me if you have any questions...be it anonymously or not.

Have a nice weekend dear anon! d=(´▽｀)=b

[cina-full-moon-xanadium]

transformers combiner opinions

Devastator: he is The combiner and i cannot deny his presence, though i think when i marathoned G1 it got overshadowed by just how much the other combiners kicked his ass once they got there. which i mean every G1 character ever suffers from but ya know. I don’t know I’ve just never been that interested in him? He’s Iconic but I was never as attached to him as the other season 1 decepticons. Guess it’s hard when you’re competing with soundwave and shockwave

Superion: he’s Okay. not really much to him aside from his general superhero gait. Alpha Bravo’s the best thing that ever happened to him

Menasor: who cares

Defensor: wins points by First Aid being great and the membership being ever-expanding but I can’t lie he is otherwise a little forgettable. I like him personally but I really can’t blame anyone for not caring

Bruticus: Are you fucking kidding me you cannot fuck this man. He would simply have been amazing if just confined to his G1 and WFC appearances where he’s mostly just really cool, the lynchpin of Starscream’s plots and has multiple memorable components; but then he also had to go and be in IDW where they make every single one of his components including goddamn Blast Off interesting and multi-faceted. You cannot fuck Bruticus

Predaking: Does he or his components have any notable character traits or even media appearances? No, not really. Is he the sexiest goddamn thing on this or any other planet? Hell yes he is LOOK AT THAT GUY

Computron: he’s also Okay, basically Superion but, like, Superion+? Superion but a bit more interesting. Space-agey 80s futuristic stuff going on so that’s sorta fun. Forget he exists most of the time though. 6/10

Abominus: I’m not convinced Abominus has any fans. In the first place I’ve never ever been fond of the really cool diverse scary monsters combining into a gestalt that has the most generic appearance ever; like it should surely be an absolute monster but he’s just some guy. One of those cases where the base components are far FAR greater than the whole but I won’t act like they have much going on either beyond their visuals

Piranhacon: maybe one day i’ll actually watch masterforce

Monstructor: Okay this is like Abominus round 2 and in the original toys he sucked just as much but in IDW they ACTUALLY made him monstrous so you get points there. He was kind of a fun threat in that sense but never much more than that. 6.5/10

[howtowhumpyourhiccup]

Questioning

Summary: Written for Banned Together Bingo. Set in a Modern AU. When Heather corners Hiccup over something Astrid has told her, he makes a realization about himself.

Rating: Teen and up

Characters: Hiccup, Heather, Ruffnut, Snotlout, Tuffnut

Pairing: Hiccstrid

Words: 1 784

Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon

Prompt: “Questionable

Whumpee: /

Author’s Notes: Reupload from yesterday.

I've decided to take this prompt literally by having one of the characters question a big part of themselves, a part to themselves that is often seen as something "questionable". A.k.a, one's sexuality.

Constructive criticism is appreciated.

Enjoy!

Ao3

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, time to spill the beans, Haddock!"

Hiccup knew that when four of his friends decided to corner him in the kitchen during game night that he must be in trouble for something. He can't possibly fathom the reason why, but they couldn't have all followed him in here and surrounded him at the counter for nothing.

Because usually, the ones getting cornered like this are the twins, Snotlout, and occasionally Fishlegs purely when the former three want to get under his skin for something. But cornering him? That doesn't happen too often.

"Well, I don't currently have any beans on me, but I was just about to grab something to drink. So maybe I'll spill that, we'll see!" Hiccup tells them, sassy as always. None of them amused, but Heather looks the most serious.

"Look, I just wanted to talk to you about Astrid and these three overheard us and then followed me here," Heather tells him, referring to Snotlout, Ruffnut, and Tuffnut. They weren't a part of the plan, she wanted to talk to Hiccup alone.

"Yeah, we're pretty much here just to watch the drama unfold," Tuff admits shamelessly, his sister nodding in agreement beside him.

"Of course, you are." Hiccup sighs, why else would they have followed them in?

"Heather, what did Astrid tell you? What's wrong with her?" But he quickly focuses on the matter at hand. He wonders what his girlfriend had to tell Heather that she didn't feel like she could tell him.

"Well," Heather begins, eyeing the third, fourth, and fifth wheel of this conversation. "It's about what you two do in the bedroom. Or lack thereof, I should say."

She knows that in this particular group of friends talking about such things isn't entirely as awkward. Any such awkwardness about the topic of sex and similarly related subjects went out the window the second they all went swimming together this one time and they all witnessed a leech on Tuffnut's-

"Ohohohoho, no! Does Hiccup perform badly in bed?!" Snotlout is quick to laugh, immediately drinking this all up.

"Wh-what?! No!" Hiccup's protest is instant as he blushes. "Besides, if I do, this is the first I've heard about it."

With a hand on Snot's face, Heather pushes him back and comes to stand between him and Hiccup.

"No, that's not what I wanted to ask. It's something a little different." Okay, maybe there are no secrets between these six, but Heather does still feel a little uncomfortable just sharing this with the group.

Astrid looked mortified when Heather dropped her controller and chased after her boyfriend when he'd announced he was thirsty and wanted a refill of his drink. Or maybe it had something to do with Snotlout and the twins sharing a look and following quickly after.

Without a doubt, she's planning her escape as they speak. But if Astrid won't talk about it with Hiccup, Heather will have to.

"Oookay?" Hiccup asks that Heather elaborates.

"Are you still attracted to Astrid?" The second she asks, Snotlout can't contain his snort.

"What? Where does that come from?" Hiccup asks in turn, surprised that this even needs to be questioned.

Well, I know I shouldn't be asking you this, but-"

"No, you shouldn't, but you are." The two agree on one thing, at least.

"But you two are my best friends and you are so cute together and I want you two to work out. So I'm worried!" Heather admits.

"Ah, right, the original Hiccstrid shipper." Snotlout tells Tuffnut, elbowing his ribs.

"Well, to answer your question, Heather, of course, I think she's beautiful. Why on Earth wouldn't I?" Hiccup provides her with both an answer and a question, wondering why this needed to be asked in the first place. Does he not tell her enough? If he doesn't, he'll have to make it right.

"But are you attracted to her, you know, sexually?" And then this question comes and it sends Hiccup reeling while the remaining three are amused with the guts it takes to ask this question at all.

"Oh, that took a turn." Hiccup gasps.

"Hiccup, you've had sex before, don't clutch your pearls now." Ruff lectures him, almost rolling her eyes.

"He clutches his pearls when someone swears in his earshot, I think he's a lost cause." Snotlout remarks and he isn't wrong about that.

"I'm not sure what you want me to say, Heather, I think she's the most gorgeous woman I've ever met." Hiccup decides to ignore that tiny discussion about him in the background and answers Heather's inquiry instead.

"No, what she means, Haddock, is if you like her boobs and ass or if there's some reason, a.k.a a certain lack of attraction, keeping you two apart?" Ruffnut dares to be blunt where Heather does not. He can think she's beautiful all he wants, but that doesn't necessarily mean he wants to sleep with her.

"... I regret asking you guys over for game night." This is his and Astrid's house, though, maybe he can still kick these four in particular out.

"Answer the question, Haddock!" A very forceful finger is forced into his face.

"Do I have to?" He asks and, judging by the looks he's getting, he has to.

After this conversation is over, he's so having a group talk to set new boundaries.

"Well, I think they're nice." He answers quickly, without hesitation, doesn't need to waste a single second to think.

But for some reason, there's a beat of silence.

"You think they're... nice?" Tuffnut asks questioningly?

"You think Astrid's fit, worked-out body is nice? Her strong muscles and her abs? Her voluptuous-" Hands up, Hiccup makes a series of noises to stop Ruffnut in her tracks.

"Yes! Every part of her is nice! Why wouldn't I think so?" Hiccup reiterates and hopes that now they will please stop talking about his girlfriend's body in such detail.

Heather, Snotlout, and Tuffnut cock their heads to the side together and in similar fashion.

Ruffnut hums thoughtfully, in the meantime, a thought sparks to life in her mind.

Hiccup realizes by the faces they're giving him that they were never worried he wouldn't like her looks, "nice" just wasn't the kind of word they were looking for.

Oh Gods, how to explain this?

"Listen, it's not just Astrid, okay? That's just my general opinion on all breasts and-and butts." Why do they make him say that? He feels so miserable.

Ruffnut raises a brow, taking a mental note of the discomfort Hiccup is showing discussing his sexual attraction to the human body. She adds it to a list of traits only she's keeping track of.

"Okay, so, what's your opinion on men?" Snotlout asks, shrugging. He's genuinely invested in this conversation now.

"And other genders." Tuffnut chimes in wisely, pointing matter of factly.

"Oh yeah, those, too. Are they just "nice", too?"

"They're nice, too? All people are nice." Hiccup sighs. "Listen, guys, what do you want me to say? Astrid is beautiful and smart and fierce and she can lift me over her shoulder any day of the week. What else could I possibly want?"

Three of his friends find themselves agreeing with him on that, but one has one unresolved question she means to bring up.

Ruffnut has a knowing smile, she's about to enlighten everyone present in the kitchen.

"Well now, is one of our two straight friends not as straight as we thought they were?" She asks, stepping closer to throw an arm around Hiccup's shoulder.

"How? I don't think Hiccup has ever shown any interest in men either." At least, not as far as Heather can recall.

"Well, he is pretty close with Eret in a way he isn't with us." Tuffnut is heard muttering thoughtfully, but that is something to unpack on another day.

"Hiccup, what's your intellectual opinion on sex scenes in movies?" Ruffnut asks confidently, already knowing exactly what he's going to say.

"Ew, unnecessary if not relevant to the plot, they make me uncomfortable."

"And which celebrity would you sleep with?"

"Literally none of them? I would much rather just play games with them."

"What is the sexiest thing you've ever done in bed?"

"Get a full eight hours of sleep."

This series of questions and answers between Ruffnut and Hiccup lasts for a little while before Tuffnut reacts.

"Oooh, I think I'm catching on!" He states, earning himself a look from Snotlout, who hasn't caught on yet.

"Uh, catching onto what? Ruffnut's questions that barely relate to Hiccup and Astrid's future marital problems?" He asks with fists on his hips.

"Hiccup, my friend, what does asexuality mean?" Ruff asks and Hiccup raises an eyebrow, but he decides to answer this question as well. If she wants him to start giving definitions now, he will.

"Well, sexuality refers to one's sexual attraction to others. So asexuality is the lack of that sexual attraction and a low or complete lack of desire to have sex, it's a sexuality. But what does that have to do with-" He stops himself there, a look of surprise appearing on his features.

"Oh."

And as it hits for him, it hits their friends, too.

Snotlout laughs.

"That explains a lot! Like, how Astrid was trying to show off her boobs in that new top that one time and all Hiccup said was that she had her top on backward!" He adds to the laugh.

"Wait, that's what she was trying to do? I thought she was just happy to wear that new top." Hiccup replies innocently. It looked really good on her, too.

"Doesn't help that he's an idiot either." Ruffnut chuckles and Tuff and Snot follow.

But while they're amused, Hiccup looks like his entire reality has just shifted.

And it probably has. He's 23 and all this time he thought he was the "straight friend" of his very gay friends. Well, one of the two.

Now he's wondering about Fishlegs.

In the meantime, Heather looks relieved. Her two best friends aren't growing apart after all.

"I guess that's all cleared up." She says, still feeling awkward over having made such a big deal out of nothing, apparently. She should leave the kitchen, let Hiccup, who wears quite a confused expression, be.

"And I guess I need to have a chat with Astrid and then look at some relatable ace memes to see how much I relate to them." He figures and the twins come to stand on either side of him, each throwing an arm around his shoulder.

"Oh, we know some places," Tuffnut reassures him and pulls out his phone to do a little bit of investigating online.

[frenchibi]

A rant-essay about The Witcher books (and comparison to the show)

((after having read book one, and started into a good chunk of book two.))

Proceed at your own discretion, there will be a lot of frustration and swearing. Also, spoilers for basically the entirety of the Netflix show. Also, there is discussion of sexual assault and objectification and lots and lots of sexism.

The structure of my rant is as follows (because yes I structured it):

 1. Things that I enjoyed in the books

1.1 Geralt talks more

1.2 Geralt and Jaskier have a better relationship

1.3 The fairy tale theme

2. Things that made me want to scream

2.1 Geralt (is not a good character)

2.2 Yennefer (deserves better)

2.3 Jaskier's sexism (Netflix!Jaskier would NEVER)

2.4 Female Characters; Sexy Fantasy That Fucks (it's bad)

2.5 Narrative devices and structure (it’s bad)

3. Bonus: Why the audiobook grinds my gears

Total length: 4k words :’) Click to proceed.

(So, we’re doing this? I think forty likes is sufficient general interest, so... okay. Obligatory disclaimer here: This Is My Opinion. However, I am not fabricating any of the… grounds for my opinion, it is based on the content of the books, that I read, and which are broadly available, so anyone can read them and see for themselves. Personally, I would not recommend the experience, and below I will detail the reasons why. If, like I was, you’re hesitant about reading them, this essay might sway your decision either way. You might go “oh thanks op now I know I won’t like it” or “huh I think I wanna see this for myself because you’re yelling a lot”. It’s all equally valid. Anyway, let’s proceed with “things I enjoyed”.)

1.1 Geralt talks more Geralt in the books is a bit of a mess as far as characterization goes - but I don't hate that he's less stoic here and less... idk, arrogant/superior towards humans than he is in the show. He talks to people, engages with them, discloses opinions and thoughts and… it's a good look. We even get several pages of monologue from him at one point (because he is talking to a priestess who has taken a vow of silence, but I’ll take it – the books in general have a monologue/structure problem which I will address in 2.5) which is way more than the show ever provided us with. I’d like to say it gives us an insight into the character but maybe that’s a bit of a stretch, see below (2.1).

 1.2 Geralt and Jaskier have a better relationship

Geralt and Jaskier are FRIENDS. And I mean that literally the first thing we hear Geralt say about Jaskier in canon in book one is "of course I want to see him, he's my friend". Which - Netflix!Geralt could NEVER and I'm salty about it. Jaskier in the books has his own problems (2.3) but I still think he's my favorite overall, he's fun and Geralt genuinely enjoys his company. They travel together and ENJOY it, they joke, they reminisce and it is Good. Netflix, take notes.

 1.3 The fairy tale theme

This gets lost in the Netflix adaptation altogether but. The idea in the books is that all these monsters that Geralt encounters are dark twists on fairy tales and I'm HERE FOR IT. Renfri is literally Snow White But Badass. Cinderella, Rapunzel and Rumpelstiltskin’s stories are mentioned in passing, and other ideas that are explored here have fairy tale elements, e.g. slaying the dragon. It's cool, but apparently the story loses this aspect in later volumes so I guess it makes sense that the show decided to omit it. Still a bummer tho bc I liked that.

 So. Now on to Things that made me want to Scream, which is what we’re all really here for.

2.1 Geralt (is not a good character)

Geralt, oh Geralt, I wish you weren't such an obvious Mary Sue, Saviour™ and thinly veiled Jesus allegory. Geralt is always, ALWAYS right and it pisses me the fuck off. Geralt gets all the women he wants with NO PROMPTING and it makes me angry. Geralt always has the last laugh in every and any situation. Geralt is always smarter and more powerful than the Idiot Humans. Geralt ignores advice and suffers no consequences for it. Geralt has no well-thought out character, no consistency - he just is the "main character" and "hero" that the story needs - if the story needs him to be smart, he is, if it needs him to make a mistake, he does - he has no AGENCY and it’s BORING. Why am I supposed to care about him, exactly? Because the plot tells me to, and because everyone else is framed like an idiot in comparison and you’re supposed to like strong and smart characters. Cool. Bleh.

 2.2 Yennefer (deserves better)

Strap in, because this is the longest part.

Yennefer in the books is… a badass (but sexy) until the plot needs her to be a damsel (but sexy). She also occasionally has one (1) other character trait and that trait is Crazy Bitch.

I’ll admit I was not her biggest fan after the show (I didn’t really connect with her that much after she became vindictive™, though I gotta say her role in the last battle was Very Cool) but in the wake of what I have read so far, I have decided to AGGRESSIVELY STAN because she fucking. Deserves better. Oh my GOD it makes me so angry. Here’s how I think her character creation probably went:

"Ok so here we have Geralt, who is a badass, and So Cool, and he could have any Female he desires. But his Female can't be inferior and giggly and vapid like literally all other women - she needs to be the ideal fantasy Fantasy.

First: she needs powers. So we'll make her a Cool Sorceress! And more powerful than the other sorceresses because Geralt deserves the BEST. But also, he needs to be able to be Cooler and save her so she needs to be (like all females are, because they are inferior) emotionally volatile and vulnerable, and Geralt will also be the only one who gets to see that Vulnerability because Geralt has the biggest dick is her love interest. So she will be weak around him because he's just so hung wonderful.

Secondly, she needs a believable weakness (besides being too emotional because all women are too emotional), and as we all know, women have one purpose: to bREED. But not Yennefer - oh no, Yennefer is (wait for it, this is the dramatic backstory, hold your breath) broken, she's BARREN, USELESS AND EMPTY AND SHE HATES HERSELF FOR IT!!!!!

*pause for dramatic effect*

I know right that's so SEXY

[This is the point where I’m like… this might, possibly, maybe, under very different circumstances have been a compelling storyline if the author had ever consulted a woman. Or, you know, if the story was written by a woman. This is objectification and fetishization of the worst kind and I hate it. The show has this element too and it’s bad there too but it’s nowhere near as pronounced as in the books. Anyway-]

Speaking of sexy - obviously Yennefer is the sexiest of all the women Geralt has ever encountered. And because I, as the author, am aware that's unrealistic, I will drop in YET ANOTHER PIECE OF DRAMATIC BACKSTORY: She used to be a HUNCHBACK!!! *air horns* I KNOW RIGHT OH MY GOD and now she made herself SEXY with MAGIC because YOU KNOW ALL WOMEN WANT TO BE OBJECTIFIED BY MEN!!! SEXY FANTASY THAT FUCKS!!!!

[also? This is revealed to Geralt (and the reader) not by her telling him, or by a flashback, but because he "sees that she has the eyes of a hunchback". I can’t even begin to state how much I hate this.]

Anyway every time she shows up it will be mentioned how shapely her legs and breasts are and how young she looks despite the fact that she must be Old. She will turn heads and men will scorn her because she is too pretty and not interested in them and men hate anything that has any amount of sexual power or agency. but not Geralt, no, because he gets to fuck her at the end of the day so he's the only one who doesn't objectify her out loud. (but he does in his internal monologue. hooray.)

Also, to emphasize this point, we will have a side character sexually violate her while Geralt is tied up because that is The New Hotness™"

And if that wasn't enough, she as a character subscribes to what is known as "Female Hysteria For No Reason" and will become a Woman Scorned over absolutely nothing if the plot needs her to be angry.

The plot regarding her relationship with Geralt is also a bit different - in the show, she gets angry once she finds out Geralt's third wish ties them together (whether this is justified may be subjective - except yeah, no, she’s absolutely right, Geralt what the fuck??). In the book, she hears his wish as he makes it because MAGIC and is somehow SUPER INTO IT because this author has never met a human woman before.

...and then I need to complain about the storyline with the dragon. Because, you will remember, in the show, she gets angry and storms off after learning of the third wish, but that can’t be the case because she already knows about it in the books, right?

Well.

 The story in the books goes like this:

Six years ago, after one of their affairs™ Geralt leaves without waking Yennefer (but like. Leaves her flowers instead) and admittedly that's kind of rude but also like... ok. That doesn’t seem too strange a thing for Geralt to do. Maybe he just wanted to let her rest? Anyway.

They don't meet for six years, in which Geralt idk... idly misses her or something, and Yennefer develops a deep lasting hatred based on her abandonment issues…? (I am. grasping. there's no good reason if this relationship is as casual to both of them as they have made it sound, but she is SUPER MAD because the plot needs her to be ANGERY).

So with his backdrop, cue the search for the dragon. Geralt is like "eh I'll join them. I have nowhere better to be, also Jaskier is here and he's not boring so ok" and then he hears Yennefer will also be there and goes "oh well all the better, haven't seen her in a while"

And when he follows her to her tent to greet her, she spits verbal FIRE at him and is like "bitch you're lucky i didn't gouge your fucking EYES out" and other lovely statements of a similar calibre, and Geralt just stands there and takes it and tells her he missed her.

which implies either a) he knows what he did and he thinks he deserves this, or b) he has done nothing wrong in his own eyes and this is just "bitch crazy" to be ignored. It is heavily implied to be b), because, in our third person POV narrative, we get NO REMORSE from him, no indication as to what he thinks about this whole thing Yennefer is accusing him of, nothing at all in terms of emotional response to her. Cool. She yells at him and then storms of, and he just… idk, shrugs I guess?

So, they travel, Yennefer is Icy Bitch Queen but also everyone hates her and insults her to an absurd degree (see above, she's Too Sexy and Powerful and also like, a Woman) and she takes it without saying anything back but it's obvious that everyone's trash talk is affecting her (so it’s obvious that at some point she will be Vulnerable again). Jaskier, who seems to have no personal grudge against her at this point in the books, joins in the teasing because he's there to make fun of everyone I guess? (boy.) No deeper malice from him than from anyone else though.

And then, for drama, the party reaches a narrow bridge. They’re debating whether or not it is safe to cross with all their supplies and then BAM! there's a landslide so they have no choice. The events go like this:

- Geralt lets the others cross first. Right as he wants to cross, he hears Yennefer yell because her horse fell over, because of course it did

- Geralt abandons his own means of escape to go help her up, and then she proceeds to save his ass because SHE HAS FUCKING MAGIC THERE WAS NO POINT IN YOU GOING TO SAVE HER YOU FUCKER she just makes a shield so nothing hits them and they stumble to the bridge

- they get caught on the bridge as it collapses, and of course Yennefer is the one who falls first, and he catches her, so they're both hanging there and he's holding on to her suspended over this. Canyon or whatever.

- Jaskier, from above, yells to the others to get a rope to help pull them up but they respond to "wait until the bitch has fallen, then we'll pull the witcher up"

which. wow. but ok.

Yennefer can barely hold on, and HERE is where Geralt asks her to forgive him for… his wrongdoings…? (you know, can't have her die with a grudge, I guess? Or whatever?) He's like "Yen, forgive me" and she says "NEVER"

((and also, she has consistently kept telling him to stop calling her Yen (which he first started when they started... having Relations™ so obviously now it has bad memories attached to it for her), which he blatantly ignores because her feelings don't matter))

In the end, Jaskier gets the others to help despite their reluctance and hatred of Yennefer and they travel on. Yennefer's back to being Ice Queen - and then they find the dragon. Some fucker tries to fight it alone and gets injured. Yennefer is in charge of healing this dude, and so she ends up alone with Geralt in a tent – where she asks him to double-cross everyone else and kill the dragon himself (after telling them all she would cooperate with them) - "for me. I want the dragon, Geralt, for myself. All of it. I don't want to share. Kill it for me" and then explains that not all is lost because with certain parts of the dragon, SOMEONE CAN CURE HER BARRENNESS and i want to launch myself into the fucking sun

Geralt is like "uhhhh"

she says "on the bridge, you asked for my forgiveness- if you do this, I'll forgive you"

and then HE GOES "well, that no longer matters to me. I'm over it now" which hsadjlkfhsajdklfhsajkldfhaskdfsj I cannot begin to impart to you how many levels of “UGH” I felt at the predictable reversal of roles because he can’t ACTUALLY have to apologize to her – it’s HER who has to apologize to HIM for being an irrational Female

and now SHE'S all like. quivering lip and wanting him back or whatever and I am SICKENED that SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS TO GROVEL NOW BECAUSE THE PLOT CANNOT HAVE GERALT EVER MAKE A MISTAKE AND OWN TO IT?!?

Thanks, I hate it.

 Oh and I almost forgot in all my rage about that storyline – when we first meet her, we learn that Yennefer apparently doesn’t “bother with the whalebone [i.e. corset] nonsense other women use” (literal quote from the book) so I guess her tits are magic???

This just in, if she needs boob support SHE’S A THOT, if your knockers don’t stand on their own you’re INFERIOR and NOT DESIRABLE, GTFO.

 2.3 Jaskier’s sexism (Netflix!Jaskier would never)

Jaskier, you have been done dirty.

It could have been so cool too - Jaskier in the books is witty and likeable and makes friends wherever he goes because everyone likes a bard?? Also he's really smart and knowledgeable because "a bard needs to know about many things" which is SO VALID??? And Geralt trusts him and cares about his opinion??? And also it's clear Jaskier likes Geralt, not just for the purpose of writing ballads about him, but because they're old friends, they've travelled together a lot - yes, their relationship is good here, regardless of your shipping preferences. (Also, he wears a hat with a large feather on it, which is how Geralt recognizes him in crowds, and it's amazing and hilarious.)

HOWEVER.

Jaskier treats women terribly. At his first introduction, he literally gropes a priestess (and then makes fun of the high priestess for chastising him for it). He sees women very much as objects to be… maybe not “won” but, well, persuaded, which makes him a tiny bit better than most of the other men, who are basically straight-up rapists. But then there's the scene with Yennefer which. Made everything turn sour tbh. It goes like this:

Yennefer wants to go after the dragon alone (see above), but before she can get Geralt to do it for her and double-cross everyone, she's overwhelmed by some of the other men in the party and they're all tied up (Jaskier, Geralt, some other pacifist sorcerer who is around, and Yennefer). And one of the men, who hates her for her (sexual) power, rips open her blouse and exposes her and assaults her while she screams, so then he gags her. And then when he’s done he walks away and leaves her exposed. Geralt looks away after she screams at him not to stare (wow, points for chivalry, the standard is literally So Low - also his justification for obeying her wishes is that he’s already seen her boobs so it’s not a big deal to him anymore) but Jaskier shamelessly stares at her even after she makes it absolutely clear she does not consent to ANY of this and has no choice because SHE IS TIED UP, and he even jokes that he'll write a ballad about her perfect breasts. And I'm over here like.... no. no, no, no, no, no. Jaskier deserved better characterization and Yennefer deserves a better fucking franchise.

 2.4 Female characters; Sexy Fantasy That Fucks (it’s bad)

I have touched a lot on this already so I'll try to be brief, but. Ugh.

Sexy Fantasy That Fucks™ is practically a legit genre and sadly a lot of semi-progressive fantasy falls into this category - where we have moved on from having only like one or two named female character (see: LotR) to having several, and look, they can even fight, but only as long as they're aggressively sexually attractive to men while they do it. Poor Harley Quinn suffered the same treatment in Suicide Squad - The Male Gaze Filter.

Here in the books it goes like this: Oh look, “vaguely tribal” women who fight - but they're also the most overtly sexual and involved in a canon off-screen orgy with Geralt and an older (practically old) man and are portrayed as Perpetually Horny. Oh look, Yennefer, a badass sorceress who falls apart when Geralt so much as looks her way because Geralt is so fucking great I guess. Then there’s the 14-year-old striga princess who needs to be described, once her curse is lifted, with emphasis to her “perky breasts”. SHE'S FOURTEEN. And there’s the young priestesses, who are subtly flattered by Jaskier's direct "advances" because, you know, they've dedicated their lives to serving a goddess but understandably they just WANT TO FUCK™.

There is a single female character who is not sexualized - the head priestess, Nenneke. She's described as fat and old (and wise though, throw her a bone). Geralt respects her because of her wisdom but that's it - she has a Use™. And also, he ignores her advice in the end anyway. Pity she wasn't more beautiful I guess. I am Sickened.

 2.5 Narrative devices and structure (it’s bad)

Now, we get to the bones of the thing. There's... one main thing that really bothers me and that's a CLASSIC - the fact that this author prefers to have action explained to the reader through monologues by characters that inexplicably have All The Information, rather than have us, you know, experience the action first hand. There are a couple of fight scenes of Geralt vs A Monster, sure, but that's all we get - everything else is told to us through monologues. (and yes it's still a monologue even if Geralt interrupts to say "go on" or "get to the point". It's not really a dialogue if the other person is only being expositioned at. Now Geralt just looks impatient and annoying.) Even the short story format (of the first two books) is explained this way: the individual short stories are monologues within conversations in the base timeline, explaining to the reader (and to Nenneke in the narrative proper) backstories and how characters met.

Which... it's a choice? It makes more sense than the show with it’s wack-ass timeline with absolutely no conext. But like. Why can't you have us at least discover the respective monster through someone else's POV though? I get that we're always staying with Geralt because Geralt is oh so great, but rather than have some Constable explain to him for like twelve pages how the princess (who is, without any intrigue, an incest-princess - this is not a mystery, everybody is aware of this at the beginning of the story and freely provides this information without prompting) became a striga and how many people she has killed and what people say she looks like and how to allegedly cure her - can’t we see that shit happen? Like... ok, thanks? I hate it. The show did this better.

 3. Bonus: why the audiobook grinds my gears

Last and definitely least - the audiobook is BAD (but I don't want to buy physical copies, and my library won't have the English version because I live in Germany, so I guess I'm stuck with it). The guy who reads it is Bad At Reading Out Loud because his emphasis/cadence is incredibly unnatural (also regrettably all the books are read by the same guy) and his pronunciation of names (most notably Jaskier, who is called Dandelion in the English version of the books) is inconsistent??? He started out by (correctly) calling him dandelion in book 1 and now has changed to pronouncing it dandelion, like the flower, which is not how you say his name (and... no offense if he’d started out that way because I, too, thought that was how you said it just from reading the word - but he says it CORRECTLY in the first book and then changes it to the wrong pronunciation in book two so I’m confused?? How does that happen?)

Also - different accents for different characters are only a good idea if a) you're good at accents and b) they aren't overtly connoted? Like. Don't give a guy in a fantasy setting a bad russian accent??? Also what part of Geralt as a character made you think SCOTTISH???? Oof.

And another thing - these little descriptors after direct speech? They MATTER.

"Don't touch me," Yennefer hissed

and

"Don't touch me," Yennefer screamed

are two very different sentences and should be read as such. You can't just. Say "Don't touch me" seductively and then add "she yelled". That's not how voice acting works. Please, pLEASE I'M SUFFERING. I was already struggling enough with some of the content of the books and now you’re making consuming them really difficult and irritating :’) Oof.

 In conclusion – I don’t even know. I was mad and now I’m tired.

  Anyway, all this to say – I didn’t hate every aspect of the books. I will keep reading (in my case listening) because I’m stupid, I apparently love to suffer and I am, thanks to the show, invested in the storyline and want to know what happens. But I will most certainly keep complaining about them because that’s the only way to make this fun for myself. And are you not entertained?!

Who knows. Maybe stuff will get better.

Take from this post what you will, and if it’s only my personal hypocrisy then that’s fine. I hope you had a nice day – I’m gonna go make myself some tea to calm down. And I’ll have you know that despite what you may have heard, I have never worn a bra in my life, because I’m not like other girls.

[michelles-garden-of-evil]

Quiz: Which Desmond Hall Character Are You?

SPOILER WARNING FOR DESMOND HALL ARCS I AND II

Last week, I was going to work on finishing my next review, but then my muse pulled me aside and ordered me to write a Desmond Hall personality quiz while threatening me with a conjure doll and silver pin. Not every Desmond Hall character is in this quiz, only the ones that I thought would be the funniest to write. Enjoy!

1. You have just arrived at an ancient manor house enveloped in darkness that rests atop a sinister network of haunted caves. When you learn this, how do you react? A. Lie in bed for several days while writhing in agony. B. Accept it and keep myself busy while pining for my voodoo island home. C. Act insufferably smug, because soon the house will belong to me. D. Go search for creatures in the caves to alleviate my boredom and satisfy my compulsion to do random disturbing things. E. Barely react at all because the writers have forgotten that I have a personality. F. Swan around while talking to myself about how the manor looks like something out of a storybook. G. Wish that I could live there again, because I've been trapped in a trippy magical closet for months.

2. The daily newspaper arrives and the headline reads, "GIRL BRUTALLY MURDERED.” What is your response? A. Retreat to my bedchamber and panic loudly about how I hope no one discovers that I’m the murderer. B. Get the body buried and all evidence concealed. C. Observe a moment of silence for my former doxy, then promptly forget she ever existed. D. Cut out the photo of the victim's face, suspend it from a papier-mâché gallows tree, and display it prominently in the foyer. E. Feel moderately concerned for my safety, but not too much. My ghost boyfriend will protect me...maybe. F. Scheme to blackmail the killer into marrying me. G. Wonder, "Was that my brother again?"

3. Your hobbies include: A. Moping around the manor house in fancy suits and contorting my face as though trying unsuccessfully to relieve myself. B. Reciting dramatic monologues with bits of scenery caught between my teeth! C. Plotting murder, robbery, and the corruption of young maidens while sipping sherry. D. I wander. I visit. I'm here and there. I'm a kind of ghost of Desmond Hall. E. I used to enjoy rebelling, flouncing, and bickering, but I've lost my taste for those. Now I prefer hanging out with old people in a cottage that smells of strange spices. F. Talking to and stroking my sweet little snake. (By which I mean "reptile with no legs and a forked tongue." Get your mind out of the gutter.) G. Necromancy.

4. Your favorite foods include: A. Bubbly eggs cooked in champagne. Definitely not kippers. B. The cuisine of my native island, before the evil of THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES made all the plants poisonous and killed all the animals! C. My spouse's hors d'oeuvres--but only when I don't have to eat them off the floor. D. Sugar, strawberries and cream, and the very best...*checks Teleprompter*...butter. E. Muffins laced with magical herbs. F. The delicious misery of the man who tried to strangle me and of all the other women who want him. G. I don't eat anymore. I'm a ghost. Food passes right through me--literally.

5. What turns you on? A. A lover who is unpredictable but not murderously crazy, and who likes to wear lacy nighties. B. I would not know! I have not felt those urges in three hundred years! C. Money. D. Anyone from my preferred gender who actually wants to spend time with me. E. A ghost who behaves like Edward Cullen. F. Jean Paul Desmond! He is the sexiest male character in the history of television. G. Submission and unquestioning devotion. Also, lesbians.

6. What is your signature look? A. Highly flattering mod suits combined with an unflattering combover. B. A long black Victorian dress. C. A stodgy gray/green suit, which is probably in desperate need of Febreze after being worn three days in a row. D. Turtlenecks. E. Bleached blonde hair and faddish early ‘70s fashions. F. Long pointed fingernails, false eyelashes, and a creepy grin. G. I once hung from the ceiling with my shirt torn open. Does that count?

7. Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. What is yours? A. Although I want to reach out and help the beautiful young women who come to me, instead my hands reach out to kill! B. I single-handedly cursed my employer's family by signing his grandfather’s (misspelled) name on a pledge to the Dark Lord. C. I am a black widower. D. I used to participate in necromancy rituals with my dear cousin. E. I stole a piece of my mother's jewelry and sold it at a pawn shop. F. I am a priestess of the Serpent God. G. Funny you should mention skeletons. My closet has a literal one hanging in it.

8. If you had to guess, which of these personages were you most likely in a past life? A. A freebooter possessed by the Devil. B. Myself. C. Henry Seewald--who looks exactly like a toddler version of me--transported back in time via the 49th hexagram. D. Someone named Claude. E. A young girl sacrificed by a priestess who looked like my mother. F. Ophelia, if she were real. G. My great-uncle with the same first name as me, who was allegedly disowned for being a poet.

9. Your favorite Dark Shadows character is: A. Barnabas Collins. B. Magda Rakosi. C. Nicholas Blair. D. David Collins. E. Carolyn Stoddard. F. Angelique Bouchard. G. Quentin Collins.

10. What from 1970 Dark Shadows do you believe was most likely inspired by Strange Paradise? A. The character of Judah Zachery, who is highly reminiscent of THE DEVIL JACQUES ELOI DES MONDES. B. The use of a retcon to completely change Angelique's backstory. C. The name Desmond Collins. D. The implied reincarnation in the Summer of '70 arc that (sadly) never got explored as much as it should have been. E. The subplot about Quentin falling in love with Daphne's ghost. F. The Leviathan cult's use of snake iconography. G. The carousel in Tad and Carrie's playroom.

If you answered mostly A, you are Jean Paul Desmond, richest man in the world and master of Desmond Hall. Tall, dark, and incredibly handsome in spite of his receding hairline, Jean Paul is the victim of two self-imposed curses, one of which causes him to strangle people when the Mark of Death appears on his hand (which is totally not a reflection of some repressed or hidden part of his personality, having formerly displayed megalomania and control freak tendencies on his island). When not under the effects of this curse, he is the living embodiment of charm and sweetness and attracts would-be partners like moths to a flame. Logically, the same must be true about you, because online personality quizzes are never wrong. ;)

If you answered mostly B, you are Raxl, daughter of the Priestess of the Serpent and winner of the Canadian 1969 and 1970 scenery-chewing contests. Far older than she looks, the Desmond family’s housekeeper may not be as loyal as she appears, depending on the whims of whomever wrote the plot outline for the final arc. She is an expert on all things occult and supernatural, from tarot cards to the Egyptian Key. Even after her retcon, she is awesome.

If you answered mostly C, you are Laslo Thaxton, husband of Ada (Desmond) Thaxton and master of Desmond Hall in the absence of Jean Paul and Philip. I would say that you are an unscrupulous, greedy Devil-worshiper like Laslo, but I’ve always hated those personality quizzes that make moral judgments about people just because they share some traits in common with the villain. Therefore, I’m just going to assume that you are most likely a decent person who only got Laslo because you happen to love money and Nicholas Blair.

If you answered mostly D, you are Cort Desmond, twenty-something cousin of Jean Paul and Philip. Eccentric and erratic but oh-so-adorable, Cort is a polarizing character loved by some fans for his good looks and (often unintentionally) funny lines, but hated by others for being somewhat of a spoiled brat. Like Hamlet whom he idolizes, he seeks justice for the death of his father, along with the inheritance his Dear Stepfather Laslo wants to steal from him.

If you answered mostly E, you are Holly Marshall--or, rather, what Holly has become since her creator Ian Martin left the show. Formerly a spitfire with a high IQ, a low boiling point, and a love for outdated slang, Holly has become a shell of her former self under the new writers. She spends more time unconscious and hypnotized than not; when she is conscious, she wastes her time pining after an unsuitable love interest who treats her like Edward treats Bella in Twilight. I hope this doesn’t describe you, because, if it does, you should seek help. Don’t be like Desmond Hall-era Holly!

If you answered mostly F, you are Agatha Pruitt, a young seamstress obsessed with Jean Paul. While the master of Desmond Hall has attracted many suitors, none are as strange or disturbing as Agatha, who blackmails him into letting her live at Desmond Hall after his failed murder attempt and proceeds to wreak havoc there along with the Serpent God (who may or may not be Raxl’s Great Serpent) whom she worships.

Finally, if you answered mostly G, you are Jean Paul’s brother, Philip Desmond (not to be confused with his cousin Philip Desmond, or either of the two Philippes des Mondes). A secretive figure largely mysterious even to his own brother, the handsome Philip dabbles in the dark arts and other mysteries, which ultimately leads to his disappearance into the caves beneath Desmondton and reappearance as a ghost. His character alignment is unclear--he may be evil, or just chaotic neutral--but one thing is clear: whoever messes with Philip has the Devil to pay.

[hannah-deactivated20220725]

My OCs: Obey Me!, Intro

Okay... so as I promised @missionkitty, I am going to do a post about my characters and who they’d go for if they were to play Obey Me!/who their favorite demon brother is... I’m not sure if I should like include the other characters (like Chihuahua and Simeon and the prince guy, I forget his name... it’s been WAY too long since I’ve played xD)... but for now, I’m just going to do the brothers excluding Belphie because he’s still kind of an enigma to me, since I’m still at a point in which he isn’t really... very active in the story.

So, just so that you all know, I am going to be splitting these up into segments of 6 characters per post so that I can accurately tag all of the characters plus the characters from Obey Me!... so this may take a while. I do plan to queue all of the posts after the first one or two.

If you don’t want to see these, feel free to blacklist Obey Me :D

Anyway here are the possible answers:

Mammon: My personal favorite. Mammon forever!!! He’s greedy and loves to complain. Everybody calls him stupid and is always putting him down. He has silver-ish white hair and is the darkest of the brothers. He is also the sexiest. And that is factual, not an opinion.

Photo of Mammon:

Lucifer: the eldest of the brothers, and boy does he make that known. He is super bossy but also very regal. He is obsessed with his best friend, Diavolo. In fact, he gets teased remorselessly by his brothers about it. Lucifer is also sexy and in my top 3 favorites of the brothers.

Photo of Luci:

Belphegor: I’m actually not including Belphie in this simply because I don’t know enough to accurately be able to tell you who’d be attracted to him beyond just using his looks. Sorry. He is twins with Beelzebub.

Sorry, I actually don’t have any photos of Belphie by himself, but here is a photo of all of the brothers. He’s the one on the far left:

Leviathon: Levi is the anime nerd. I forget what the term is that he calls himself, but at first, he is really standoffish because he sees you as a “normie,” but as you get closer, he begins doing little things like letting you borrow his comics & movies that he won’t let anyone else near and he is just a sweetheart who’s full of surprises.

Photo of Levi:

Beelzebub: Beel is that typical “hungry all the time, will eat you out of the house” type that every anime seems to have. Beel has bright orange hair and is one of the tallest (if not the tallest) characters... he is super sweet and if he likes you, will share his food with you... but you have to earn it! He is twins with Belphie.

Photo of Beel:

Satan: Another regal character. His biggest personality trait is his hatred of Luci and how he loves to piss him off. He’s always trying to come up with new ways to make his brother angry and it’s super cute and endearing, them being siblings and all.

Photo of Satan:

Asmodeus: You guys know me well enough by now (I think) to know that I love me some flirty characters. Well, that’s Asmo. He is the pretty boy who knows he’s pretty and lets no one forget it. He is super flirty and friendly and is charming and cunning... or so he thinks. He is another of my favorites.

Okay, after this post, I’ll be posting posts about which of these brothers my characters would be into... and will link this post so that anyone that doesn’t know about the brothers can come back to this post and see what I’m talking about.

Have a lovely day, guys!

[monicalorandavis]

The Crown is back: Colman’s rule.

Olivia Colman is so good we’re all like, “Claire who?“

And slow your roll. I stan The Crown. I gobble up all things British royal family. My favorite house in Game of Thrones is House Windsor. And y’all don’t even know about it because in spite of it being the most vicious, it is also the most secretive. The Windsors are horrible and seductive and, above all else, secretive, and now you’re beginning to understand, that I truly ride for The Crown and those shady goofballs of Buckingham Palace (though Prince Andrew can kick rocks TODAY).

So I know The Crown. I know how good Claire Foy was. I left season 2 in shambles. How dare she leave us? We’d just come around to Elizabeth! Her life, with all her dull, unfashionable, yet dependable ways were imbued with a tenderness that Claire Foy brought. The young Queen that so many of us know is a portrait that Claire Foy created during her two astounding seasons. Peter Morgan struck gold with the first cast. And, as everyone will tell you, as good as Claire Foy was, we shall not forget to give Matt Smith his props. Oh baby, can he act.

Prince Philip, by all estimations, should be an insufferable, entitled man-child. And while he is all of that, he is so, so much more. Meticulously researched, The Crown delved into Philip’s childhood of abandonment and isolation. His air of indignation was as much with the world who’d let him down in his early years as it was indignation with himself.

And from there - from the personal insecurities that tie us all together in this fabric of humanity, did we find the heart and soul of Elizabeth and Philip. We fell in love with Matt Smith and Claire Foy as they seemingly fell in love with each other and embarked on their path as husband and wife. Something about them, actors and royals, just works. A natural chemistry emerged. Even when Philip is horrible (and he’s horrible sort of a lot), I rooted for him. I even rooted for Philip when he screwed around. But how he begged Elizabeth to take him back still remains one of my favorite moments of the entire series. Not very “I am woman, hear me roar” of me, but nonetheless, I rooted.

And while the first two seasons took place nearly 60 years ago, you’d think I’d be bored to death by the predictability of every story line. Yet, I know nothing. (We’re still decades from Princess Di and the crash that turned everyone’s attention onto Buckingham Palace.) The public eye should make the show predictable. And yet, we only know their public personas. (What would someone know of you if they’d only seen photographs?)

They live behind a window of double paned secrecy. We think we’re looking in, or rather, being let in, but we’ve never been privy to their private conversation. We’ve never heard who they really are.

Enter season 3. The middle age years.

Not the sexiest time frame, admittedly, but it does provide a new element into the royal marriage to which we can all relate - informality. These are people who have been through some shit. They’ve let go of pretending in their marriage and, too, to some degree, in their public personas. Long gone are the days of wearing makeup to bed and only eating salads. These are two grown people who have settled into marriage for the long haul. Yes, they nearly called it quits, but they fought through it, had some kids, and now they’re suffering through the normal bumps of having children - Are they normal? Will they fit in? Are we screwing them up? (For those keeping track at home: no, no, and yes.) But the gift of middle age could also be a curse for the actor portraying the royals during their “regular” years.

However, a curse it is not. 

Left in the hands of Olivia Colman and Tobias Menzies, the characters of Elizabeth and Philip have never sizzled with such lived-in chemistry and humor. And I am using “humor” here very, very loosely. These are not people who take to spontaneous fits of giggles. Instead, the tight-lipped chuckles Colman’s Elizabeth elicits from Menzies’ Philip ring loud, brightening the face of a man who, at any moment, looks like he’d rather be anywhere but where he has the misfortune of finding himself.

For whatever reason Prince Philip only becomes more charming the more bristled he becomes. Whether this forever annoyance is a natural trait of Tobias Menzies or not is of no importance because, boy, he does it well.

The ungodly rich perform disinterest like it’s an Olympic sport and Menzies’ Philip is an all-time gold-medal winning champ. His face holds entire chapters of stories he refuses to tell. But just under the surface, Menzies shows us the tiniest flickering of light behind the eyes. You see, to be enthused is to admit interest, which is basically announcing that you care, and to care is just so, so dreadfully middle-class. No, no. These are people who wouldn’t care if their house was on fire. They’d buy a new one...a bigger one!

We should hate them. But, we don’t, and, we won’t, I fear.

I fear it because I hold onto the idea of democracy. Fair elections. Proper representation. All of that. We’re Americans. We fought the British. We should rule ourselves.

But then again, should we?

Trump got elected in a democratic America (if you count all that voter suppression and constant meddling from Russian moles it starts looking less so). And I think even the knuckleheads who elected him regret their decision.  We’ve shown the world that democracy is a weapon in the hands of fools.

But tabling the larger political conversation for now, I push on. This, so far, has been a seamless transition from cast 1 to cast 2. And I would be remiss if I did not sprinkle a few words of praise onto Helena Bonham Carter’s portrayal of Princess Margaret. Talk about a revelation. (To be fair, I find Carter to be one of the most underused actresses of today so for her to have found her way onto one of my favorite shows, I could not be happier.) She is an actress that enlivens every role with a unique strangeness that never feels fraudulent.

Princess Margaret, ever the counter to her sister, grows even further from Elizabeth in middle age. Desperate for her place in the royal family, and her marriage, she flounders in excessive drinking. Her husband is distant, running off to corners of the world without any notice, leaving her to her own devices where she finds herself regretfully unfulfilled.

In a lesser actress’ hands, a rich, bored, drunk lady would come across a whole lot more Real Housewives of Orange County, but this is a woman that Carter has sunk her teeth into. Margaret is the role of a lifetime. The tragically younger, thus, forgotten sister to Elizabeth. Margaret always craved the spotlight and reveled in it. As queen, she would’ve made waves. She would’ve reinvented the entire monarchy. It’s the exact reason she was pushed to the margins. And Helena Bonham Carter does not exist in the margins. Ever the rebel, like Margaret, these are women who were born to perform. The parallels don’t stop there.

Carter herself is a woman that’s perhaps never been taken seriously enough in Hollywood. Yes she’s won BAFTA’s but stateside she’s never garnered the praise I thought she should. Has she, like Margaret, grown tired of living in the shadows? Could it be that through the role of Princess Margaret, Helena Bonham Carter has found the perfect disguise to finally get the proper recognition from Hollywood? I think yes. I think we’re watching the start of a second act for her.

The royals, though they possess a treasured space in pop culture in the States, also represent an old-timey class system that is deeply un-American. The Brits have their complicated feelings towards the royals, too. But we can look on at the royal family as these glamorous, bored robots. They affect none of our political decisions. They don’t even seem completely human. They aren’t on our currency, our stamps. So we can remain distant and removed. We can watch the stories about them, true or fictional, and restrain judgment. And that feels very...British.

[zdeno]

can you explain why zaddy’s the sexiest bruin i’m new here

some things in life are completely subjective, and opinions very much exist. however, some things simply cannot be argued and must be taken as fact: the truth is, chara is the sexiest current nhl player, and I would go as far to say the sexiest nhl player of all time.

let’s begin with the most obvious point, that being his appearances. I will only touch lightly on this, as sexiness is not skin-deep and encompasses the entirety of a person’s being.

Symmetry is what is considered the most attractive physical trait a person can have, but Chara denies this. He is asymmetrical, and that is what makes him so sexy. He embraces the unorthodox; what other 42 year old man do you know has an eight pack? Refusing to blend in makes him stand out. His colossal height is unfathormable and record-breaking in the league. His dark hair makes his icy green eyes pop and he has a wonderful smile. He is perhaps the most interesting combination of phenotypes in existence.

But sexiness is not all about looks, as mentioned above. Sexiness is all about having an amazing personality, and Chara has the greatest personality of anyone in the league.

He’s noted as professional and caring and players from across every team have never spoken ill about his character. He singlehandedly saved the Bruins organization the day he was named captain, bringing the responsibility to himself to learn as many languages as possible to make others feel comfortable and completely eradicating rookie culture in the locker room. With his intomidating frame, he could have easily decided to be one of the toxic captains we so often hear about, but he decided to be gentle and kind. Even outside of sports, he truly cares about the city of Boston and its people and it shows.