#queso my boi

[angelnumber27]

My baby

[prentissluvr]

guys most exciting day of my little latine life was dean winchester pronouncing tamales right

[quesoarts]

i'm not sure how to begin explaining this au but she's an undercover agent with severe gender dysphoria in it.

[shinynx]

Chilli Cheese Fries.... TOMORROW

[meatghosts]

That look of betrayal your cat gives you when they steal your food and it's too spicy for them.

[xoxo-bunnydumpling]

Up feeding babyson and I asked him if he was also fiendin for cheese dip or if that's just a me thing and he sneezed on my boob...

I take that as a yes.

[roses-red-and-pink]

Me trying to have a serious conversation with my landlord while trying to heat up my salmon dinner in the microwave.

Queso starts meowing

My landlord: and how’s your cat?? Is he ok?

Me: yes he just smells the salmon

[vamp-kiss]

ME WITH 'LOVE LIKE A CANCER, STILL YOU BEG ME TO STAY'

the only fic i've ever read more than twice tbh. it's all that op said but more, i can't explain it without sounding deranged hold up

it's a character study more than anything else. yeees, i dooes have smut, BUT it has another layer to it. they're obsessive with each other. they *NEED* each other. they '""love""' each other in their own fucked up way-- and the both of them are fucked up.

it's beautiful in a sick manner, because the fic never tells you that what they are doing is right. they believe it is, and you can almost feel pity for them. they belong to each other... because nobody would give the same love they feel for each other. nobody could compare.

they got no remedy. it's bitter, but if they have each other, with those sprinkles of actual healthy, genuine love, they think they have some hope. and they're wrong.

reading it, akira gave me chills, his attitude is lowkey terryfing and you can read his intrusive thoughs, and how EVEN HIMSELF gets scared of his own mind. and i felt so bad for goro sometimes, his hunger of validation, of praise, it makes him a shell of who he used to be. it's really ooc in a way, but i loved it nontheless. i bet they would kill eachother at some point, or try, because i doubt they would have a normal relationship ever.

"It was easy turning himself into a monster when everyone around him already assumed he was one. It gets a lot more complicated when Goro looks at him as if he’s hung the stars in the sky"

please guys read it i BEG YOU it's awesome

i just really was hoping for someone to bring the topic so i could talk/analyze about my fave shuake fic i'm so sorry really im so so sorry

Queer people really be like “omg, this is my comfort fic!” and then send you the most fucked up, emotionally draining, morally questionable piece of literature you’ve ever read. /pos

[hurtspideyparker]

The team learns about Peter's stress baking fairly quickly after he moves into the tower.

"Why does this place smell like cookies?" Tony asks suspiciously, "Pepper put an end to homemade care packages after that Cap incident."

Steve protests from the dining table. "Hey, that fan seemed totally normal. Y'know in my generation you do not mess with baked goods, that's sacred."

Natasha pats his back comfortingly as she joins the conversation.

"They came from the kid. They're actually pretty good, here."

Nat hands a still-warm cookie to Tony, who bites it curiously.

"Damn, it melts in my mouth like buttery ambrosia and still has a perfect crunch around the edges. Is that a nutty aftertaste?"

"Yes!" Peter yells from the other room, a clatter sounding before his head pokes around the wall, oven mitts still attached to his hands.

"I brown the butter, it really deepens the flavour!"

"Good on you kid. What's the occasion?"

Peter stutters, "uhhhh, no occasion. I just like cookies!"

He disappears around the corner again, and Tony sends a confused glance towards his teammates.

Steve shrugs his shoulders, mouth still full of cookie, and Natasha sends him an arched brow. Tony isn't sure what that means, but feels intimidated enough to exit the room anyway.

* * *

The baking lasts the rest of the week, until Peter comes home yelling, "I aced my calculus midterm!!!" running out of the elevator with a stapled set of papers in his hand.

"So no more baking?" Nat asks neutrally.

"Nope! Woohoo!"

Just like that the kid is gone, jumping down the hall towards his bedroom.

Tony looks at Nat quizzically.

"It was midterm week. He baked 3 dozen cookies, 2 types of muffins, and a cheesecake."

"So he stress bakes?"

"He stress bakes."

* * *

It becomes a "thing" in the tower.

Sam eats toast from freshly baked bread one morning while watching Bruce quiz Peter on his upcoming AP history test. Each slice is cut, toasted, and buttered to perfection by Peter while he explains sectionalism in the 20th century.

* * *

Bucky grates carrots while Peter mixes a bowl of dry ingredients furiously, the boy mumbling to himself non-stop.

"Has he gone insane?" Clint asks from the doorway.

"Spanish oral exam," Bucky replies.

"Ay caramba."

"Tal vez pueda sobornar a mi maestra con glaseado de queso crema..." Peter starts mumbling. (Maybe I can bribe my teacher with cream cheese frosting...)

Bucky and Clint share a concerned look.

Clint approaches the boy, "put down the spatula Pete, let's talk about this."

Peter looks up in alarm.

"In English! Just English!"

* * *

"What's up kid? It's spring break, what could you possibly be stressing about."

Today Tony walks into a full kitchen; Wanda, Natasha, and Pepper are occupying the space while Peter pours something creamy into a metal bowl.

"He's asking MJ out tonight, so he's making cookies and cream ice cream in case it goes wrong." Natasha crosses her arms when she replies to him, eyes focused on Peter's mixing.

"Does ice cream even count as stress baking? The very meaning of 'bake' is to put under heat. But I suppose it does feel wrong to call it cooking."

Peter looks up, his brown eyes large and sad like a baby cow, "I still baked the cookies from scratch."

"Yeah he's a real Nara Smith!" Wanda adds enthusiastically.

"Oookay... I'll pretend I know what that means. And since when do we have an ice cream maker?" Tony points to the fancy hardware out on the kitchen counter.

"Oh, I got that for him. We lacked a lot of the tools for basic baking recipes," Pepper informs him.

Tony ponders how ice cream machines count as a basic baking tool, and decides not to argue with three powerful women and their favourite lovesick teenager.

Peter picks up his bowl and moves it into the freezer, clearing away a couple frozen pizzas and a bag of peas.

"Should I even bother with the cones?" Peter asks with a pout.

"Pete she's gonna say yes! Also if you're wallowing in misery with a tub of ice cream we still want our cones so we can emotionally support you with a crunchy treat," Wanda says with a supportive smile.

The others nod along.

"You're right!" Peter agrees before turning around and grabbing an honest-to-god waffle cone maker, with the cone shaping kit to boot.

"Why..." Tony begins to protest, "y'know what, I don't care. Let me know how it goes kid."

The man is ignored as he moves through the kitchen to grab a banana, the women coaching Peter on his manners, flirting, and first date ideas as he exits the room.

* * *

Thor hums around the delicious treat.

"Mmm. You know young Peter, you could have a shop for your creations. Is there a Stark Industries for baked goods?" Thor asks the young lad, crumbs falling from his mouth as he chews the cookie bar.

"I didn't invent the blondie Thor. I was just trying to explain what it is, a cookie brownie! I did decorate them all by myself though," he says with a satisfied grin.

"Ah yes," Thor lifts up another blondie by the pretzel stick Peter put in the squares, attached with a bit of melted chocolate so they're shaped like Mjolnir, "now you are all worthy of the hammer. Ha! This is funny, I'm sure the others will find your talents equally amusing."

Peter picks up his own mini-Mjolnjr and waves it around, "it is I, son of Odin. Don't worry puny Midgardians, I will protect you with my mighty hammer and beautiful hair!"

Thor laughs thunderously at the impression, clapping.

Bruce walks into the room, enticed by the laughter.

"Ah! My friend, Peter has made edible Mjolnirs so you, too, may be worthy. It's delicious and hilarious. Imagine Banner wielding my hammer, ha! Ridiculous," Thor is all too amused by the situation.

Bruce gives Peter an offended look as Thor continues laughing with himself, the younger just shrugging. Bruce takes one of the treats anyways, pointedly not holding it by the pretzel stick.

"Y'know Pete, have you ever considered opening a bakery? You are quite talented. I think the Avengers alone would keep you in business," Bruce asks politely.

"Well I only like to bake when I'm stressed. That wouldn't be a very stable business model," Peter points out.

"True. Although running a business can be quite stressful, so maybe you'd have a continuous supply?"

"Hm. Efficient and unhealthy," Peter nods like it's the perfect plan.

"Wow you really are Stark's intern."

Thor bursts out into another bout of raucous laughter.

"Imagine Stark wielding my dessert hammer," Thor barely gets the words out, "Stark being worthy-AH HAHA."

Bruce and Peter share a look of wide-eyed alarm before joining in on the laughter.

They all share the moment before Bruce straightens up a bit to ask, "what are you even worried about anyways Peter?"

Peter wipes a tear from his eye, "I forgot to call Aunt May this morning like I always do and she only let me move here if I promised I wouldn't neglect her. So now I'm too scared to check my phone."

"I see," Bruce sympathizes.

"Yeah, baking is good for procrastinating. I pretend I'm being productive while also creating comfort food for after my breakdowns."

* * *

Tony steps into the dining room one afternoon to find Peter slicing apples while Steve sits across from him cutting intricate patterns into pie crust. There is an array of leaves and flowers set out on the flour-sprinkled table.

"So is the ornamentation necessary, or is Cap also developing a delicious self-soothing habit," Tony inquires.

"I was just talking to Peter about pie recipes from the 40s and he asked if I could help make his prettier," Steve smiles up at his companions, "it's actually a lot of fun, I can't say I've ever used food to make art before."

"He's a natural talent Mr. Stark!"

Tony agrees with the quirk of an eyebrow and cheeky sideways nod. He observes for a moment before asking something that's been bothering him recently.

"Pete, I gotta ask. Why baking? You inherited your Aunt's terrible cooking skills, and it's not like you're built for other domestic duties. Your room is a mess. What gives? How are you so... refined?"

Peter pauses his chopping to look up incredulously.

"It's science Mr. Stark. Baking is just chemistry! I'm great at chemistry," he says with a grin.

Tony thinks about it.

"Huh. I guess you're right. So, what has you stressed this time? Girl troubles? You get too good a grade in P.E. and Flash is suspicious? Decathlon competition?" Tony lists off some of his previous turmoils.

He hopes it's the decathalon again, those butter tarts were divine.

"Um. Can I finish my apple filling before I tell you? I'll lose motivation if you start yelling at me..." Peter says with a hopeful smile, strain lying underneath it.

Tony's eyes narrow.

"Okay so I maybe blew up your test tubes when trying to develop fire webs and Dum-E may have covered your entire lab in fire supression foam."

Tony's jaw clenches, "I'm gonna let you stew in fear for a bit longer because apple is my favourite - if this was pumpkin you'd already be squashed - but best believe I'm not done with you yet." Tony slowly takes a deep breath before pointing a finger at Peter. "Never change kid, never change."

Tony leaves, distinctly in the opposite direction of his lab, and Peter goes back to slicing apples, now with a genuine smile on his face.

[angelnumber27]

a sequence of events

[chukys-mouthguard]

I know youve probably been getting a ton of rempe request which I have to add to it too (I’m so sorry) but a good enemies to lovers with a bit of angst would be 😮‍💨

Party’s Over

Words: 3.49k

Featuring: matt rempe x female reader

Genre: angst, fluff; enemies to lovers

Summary: who the fuck invited matthew rempe to your birthday party?

“So, guess what Braden just told me.”

Your friend setting her phone down after reading a text from her boyfriend, an awkward smile on her face. “No, absolutely not, tell him no!”

Not needing her to even give the answer you were already fully aware of what Braden had said. But there was no way in hell you were okay with it.

“If those boys dare to bring Matthew Rempe to my apartment, they are going to get beers thrown in all of their faces!” She laughed as you pointed to the case of beers you were getting unboxed into an ice bucket for the guys to dig into once they arrived. The rest of the girls just silently munching on chips and queso as they all knew this saga between you and Rempe all too well. And as much as they would love for you to join the club and start dating a Ranger like the rest of them, they weren’t planning on that being Matt.

While you loved all of their boyfriends, the one Ranger you couldn’t stand was Matt Rempe. From the day you two met he had gone out of his way to be nothing but a dick to you. Constantly ragging on you, taking jokes too far, and now he was going to be in your apartment. No doubt any little action of his would piss you off to your maximum, simply because he was in your place.

“Look, it’s your birthday, I don’t think he will be an asshole to you today. Plus, they are already on their way here. What are they gonna do, throw him out of the car?” “Yes! That sounds like a great plan!” Rolling your eyes you finished setting up the appetizers and drinks before the guys arrived.

“Hello hello? We heard there’s a birthday going on?” Vinny Trochek called out before the boys filed into your apartment, each of them with a significant other soon joining them, the few single guys and girls introducing themselves as everyone was grabbing drinks and getting food.

You had greeted everyone but were also too preoccupied with being a host, in hopes that it would distract you from how angry you were with Matt being in your apartment.

“Y/n…it’s your party and you’re making drinks for people. What the fuck? Go drink, mingle.” Braden’s girlfriend quick to take the bottle of Tito’s from your hand and push you toward the kitchen island, your sudden presence stopping a conversation between Matt and Chris Kreider. “Oh I’m sorry, did I interrupt something?” You glared at Matt, your tone a bit harsh as he sipped his beer. “Actually yeah, Matt was just saying how good you look tonight.”

Shaking his head in protest, Matt quickly swallowed down his beer, “more like the opposite. I said no such thing, don’t flatter yourself.” He smirked at you while Chris just shook his head, hating the constant immature bickering between the two of you.

“How about, you take that beer bottle, and show it up your ass Rempe? I think that would be such a fun party trick.” Flashing a fake smile you quickly left the kitchen, heading to your bedroom to cool off.

Glancing at yourself in the mirror, you began to second guess your outfit.

knock knock

“Y/n, what’s up? Chris said you stormed off after Matt made some smartass comment. Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay? Like, should I be wearing something different?” Chris’s wife Francesca rolling her eyes as she took a seat on your bed. “Really? Rempe said shit about your outfit and now you want to change? Have you ever thought that maybe the two of you just need to fuck and get it over with or something? I really think this whole act you’ve got going on needs to stop.”

Ignoring her comments completely, you went right to your closet, pulling out a white short sleeved bodysuit and a new pair of jeans. Quickly pulling them on and then pairing them with some heeled black boots.

“Okay, thoughts?”

Francesca lightly chuckling at how self conscious you’d become the second Matt said anything negative about how you looked. “I mean, you look hot as fuck. But, I feel like you’re trying to look good for him now.”

“Don’t be silly, I’m simply just trying to look hot and make him eat his words. And if the boy starts drooling about my tits practically being on display, that’s his problem not mine. Now let’s go do a shot!”

After you reappeared from your bedroom, newly clothed, you couldn’t help but notice how Matt’s demeanor had changed. He kept his distance and didn’t say a word to you. Though he didn’t have to, his eyes on you almost constantly and you were happy to know he was eating his words.

Three rounds of shots later, everyone was piling into Uber’s to head out, of course everyone finding it funny to put you and Matt in the same car, as well as make you both sit in the back seat together. Keeping your back somewhat to him, you tried to not as much as bump him with an arm or a leg, though his hand had tapped you multiple times as his arm was draped across the back on the seat.

Once at your destination you quickly pulled out your lip gloss and turned on your front camera to aid in your application.

“You know, I never understood the point of lip gloss. Like, it’s just gonna come off on your drinks or when you kiss someone.”

Matt practically whispered in your ear as he peeked his face into the view of your camera, making you roll your eyes. “Yeah well,” turning to face him, you hadn’t noticed how close his face was to yours, causing you to swallow a breath, “guess you’re in luck, I definitely won't be kissing you tonight.”

The group headed inside the club, having a table reserved at the back as to hopefully not draw too much attention having a handful of the Rangers with you. Everyone getting comfortable and situated with drinks as you threw back a few shots to erase the backseat interaction with Matt from your mind. This was your birthday, you were not going to let that cocky asshole ruin it.

The night had so far consisted of Vinny Trocheck getting so drunk he attempted to dance shirtless in your section, Chris and Matt competing to see who could chug their beers the fastest, and you losing track of just how many drinks and shots you’d had. But one thing you knew for sure was that you were about to pee your pants.

“I’ll be right back, bathroom.”

Slowly making your way through the crowd by yourself, Matt’s eyes followed you, making sure you made it to your destination. “Dude, cut the shit. This tough guy act, being dick to her. It’s not working for you.” Matt scoffed, taking a sip of his beer, “Krieds, I have no clue what you’re talking about.” He tried denying it, but Chris could see exactly what Matt thought he was doing. And despite his efforts, majority of the guys could see right through him. “All I’m saying is, for someone who dislikes her so much, you sure do care a lot making sure she made it to the bathroom safely.”

“Look, there’s a difference between me not liking the girl but knowing how to be a decent human being. Should I want her to not make it safely? Gosh Krieds now you sound like the asshole.” Matt attempted to put an end to the conversation, turning away from Chris, though keeping an eye on the bathroom.

After what felt like a thirty minute wait, you were able to evade peeing your pants in public and were headed back to your party. Though not before a drunk guy could try and creep on you, immediately making you remember why you didn’t go out to clubs anymore.

“Hey beautiful, you here alone?”

“Nope, actually here with friends.” Flashing a soft smile you attempted to brush past him in the hall, but he moved with you. “Oh, so you’re the one celebrating a birthday. How about I get you a drink?” Again flashing a smile you shook your head, “no thank you, we are stocked on drinks. I’m good.” The drunken man catching up to you as you could barely maneuver your way through the crowd. His hand snaking around your waist as he pulled you into him. “How about more than just a drink then?”

Immediately pushing against his chest to get out of his grip, you questioned the man but he didn’t let go. However soon enough, another arm reaching around to pull you free, to which you were surprised. Ready to thank the individual who likely saw the event and stepped in, until you saw the face of Matt Rempe appear next to you.

“Pretty sure that’s not any way to treat a lady. You wanna tell me why you put your hands on her?” Rolling your eyes you didn’t bother to stick around for Matt to be the hero and ask for your praises. Matt noticed you run off, but made sure the drunken man wouldn’t cause any more trouble for the night. Heading back to the table and immediately downing a shot before asking your friends to dance.

It was now 2am and you were down for the count, not able to hold your head up and just wanting food and your bed. Your friends helping you to your uber as everyone was more than happy to head home for the night. None of them partying like this in awhile and already anticipating the hangovers that were on the horizon.

“Okay, so as much as I want to take y/n up to her bed, I’ve got to get Chris home before he’s knocked out and I can’t deal with him alone.”

Francesca doing her best to keep Chris awake next to her as you were in the back seat once again with Matt, though you were oblivious to that as you were asleep with your head on his shoulder. “I can take her.”

Francesca a bit shocked at Matt’s offer to help. “You sure you’re not just gonna take her up there and draw on her face or something to mess with her?”

“Oh come on, I’m not that much of an asshole.”

Matt laughed, shaking his head as he looked down at you sleeping.

“Y/n…Y/n, wake up. We are back at your apartment.” Your eyes slowly fluttered open as Matt was attempting to help you out of the Uber. “I can do it myself.” Pulling your arm away from him as you were adamant about getting yourself inside, though only stumbling up the sidewalk and practically breaking your ankle in the process. “Y/n, just let Matt help you please. I gotta get Chris home before he’s sleeping on the street tonight. Stop hating him long enough for him to get you into bed.”

“I will never let this man get me into his bed!”

Francesca shaking her head with a sigh, “that is not what I meant, Jesus Christ…Matt, please let me know if you need anything. But I gotta get this man home.”

Matt laughed as Francesca guided a drunken Chris to their car, knowing that he would never let him live down this moment of being carried by his wife because he couldn’t hold his alcohol.

“Alright, let’s get this over with.”

Matt put a hand to your lower back as he helped guide you inside, trying his best to keep his distance so as to not upset you any more than he already had. The ride in the elevator was silent as you just stared at the numbers slowly counting up until you had reached your floor. Doing your best to walk to the door without issue, though now you were in for it as you tried to fumble with your keys and unlock it.

“Can I-” “No, I got it.”

Quickly opening the door you tossed your bag on the counter, soon collapsing on your couch. Not caring that the walk to your bed would have been only sixty seconds more, you needed to be horizontal and not in these boots any longer. Trying your best to kick off the boots, but having no luck, Matt soon came over to help. Your need for the boots to be off stronger than your want to be Miss Independent.

“I guess I will get you some water, heat up some of the food from earlier…”

His voice trailed off as he walked to the kitchen, your eyes opening to watch him. Why was he being nice all of a sudden? You didn’t like it, after he had made it his mission to be an asshole, all of a sudden he starts trying to be nice? He was clearly trying to get something out of you, praises or thanks for stepping up and taking care of you. Most likely to rub it in your face later and laugh at you for thinking he was a changed man or something.

“I don’t need your help, you know. I can do all of that myself.”

Matt just ignored you, continuing with making you a plate of food before he brought it over to you on the couch. He smiled softly as he held out the plate, and as much as you were starving, you couldn’t bring yourself to accept anything from him. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?”

He looked at you confused before setting the plate on the island in the kitchen. “Pretending like you care! Trying to be some hero and swoop in to save the day. You know what your problem is?”

“What’s my problem?” He leaned against the island, crossing his arms as he let you continue with airing your frustrations.

“You think that anyone is going to fall head over heels for you and just give you everything you want. You’re so full of yourself. And then, the second a girl doesn’t fold for you, you treat her like shit, like how you did with me. Do you know how annoying it is? Being friends with all those guys, and you’re the only one who hates me? Who talks shit about me, bashing me whenever he can? I fucking changed my outfit tonight because you made me feel like shit about myself! And for what? Because I didn’t drop my pants for you the first day we met or something? Get a fucking grip, and stop thinking so highly of yourself. I didn’t need your help at the bar, and I don’t need your help now if you’re only doing it to hold over my head later or try to use it against me. I don’t need you trying to embarrass me for ever thinking you were actually a nice guy and gave a shit. So if you’re only doing this to look good to everyone else, then please leave.”

You stomped off to your room to change, needing your jeans off and sweats on. Removing your bodysuit and replacing it with a hoodie, a deep sigh leaving your lips as you pulled the fabric over your head.

knock knock

“What!”

Glaring towards the door you saw Matt slowly appear from behind the frame. His demeanor a bit defeated as he tossed a small box onto your bed. “Here.…happy birthday. I’ll call an Uber then head out.”

Your angered facade fading as you looked from Matt to the small box on your bed. Only moving to open it once you’d heard him head back down the hall. As you untied the blue ribbon, you lifted the lid to reveal a beautiful necklace of your birthstone that you had been eyeing for months. Instantly your heart sank, regretting all the words you just spat at him. But, you weren’t actually feeling bad for Matt, or regretting something negative you said to him, you couldn’t. Because you were supposed to hate each other. Though this was an expensive ass gift for someone to buy if they hated you.

Setting the necklace down on your dresser, you darted out of your room and down the hall. Stopping in your tracks when you saw Matt still in your kitchen. “Sorry, I’m leaving, it's just raining and I figured I’d wait until my Uber got closer. I’ll be out of your hair in a minute.”

He went back to his phone as you could tell he was embarrassed and upset. Clearly this not being how he planned for the night to go, and you shared in the embarrassment for all the things you’d just said.

“Matt….how did you?”

Playing with the hem of your hoodie you awkwardly closed the distance between the two of you, eventually resting on your forearms against your kitchen island.

“Francesca told me you’d been eyeing it for months. I asked what was something I could you for your birthday, I wanted it to be something nice, special. But, clearly I fucked that up because I’m such an asshole.”

He wasn’t even making eye contact, his voice low as he mumbled his responses, shrugging it off like it was nothing. But it was clearly something.

“I just, I don’t get it…why get me such a nice, thoughtful, expensive gift. If you hate me?”

Matt laughed, finally looking up from his phone. “You really don’t get it do you? I don’t hate you y/n, it’s actually quite the opposite. When Chris told you earlier I was talking about how good you looked, he wasn’t lying. I really did think you looked good. And I felt awful when you went and changed clothes. I mean, you still looked hot as hell, but I felt bad that you thought I really didn’t think you looked good.”

He locked his phone and set it on the island as he made his way over to you.

“I acted that way because I've never met a girl like you. For starters, you never seemed interested in me, and I didn’t know how to take that. You were hard to read, and I thought if I messed with you, I would learn your personality. But you only dished shit right back at me just as I gave it. So I thought you weren’t interested and truly did not like me. Not to mention, coming into this group of people, when everyone is close already. I was trying my best to fit in, but I’m awkward okay? I wanted you to like me, and I fucked that up, clearly!”

You laughed along with him as he ran a hand through his hair. “And, I thought tonight I would fix things. I’d be able to give you that gift, and apologize for all the shit I started. But then, you got so mad at me when I tried helping at the club. And then when we got back here, I know I brought it on myself with being such a dick. But, I figured, there was zero chance I even got to make this right.”

“Well…” You sighed as you walked closer to him, your brain still trying to make sense of all this. “How about we start over? Blank slate, and we can forget everything. Stop this pretending like we hate one another and just be ourselves?”

Holding out your hand, Matt smiled before accepting and shaking it. “I’m Matt.” “I’m y/n.”

The two of you chuckled to yourselves, soon moving to the couch after you’d reheated the food Matt got for you which was now cold.

“Oh, um, aren’t you gonna cancel your Uber?”

Matt looked at you with a sheepish grin, “I never called an Uber.”

Your jaw dropping to the floor as you punched his shoulder. “Oh, so somehow you just magically thought things were going to work out and we’d be sitting right here on this couch? You thought you could easily just win me over and get a second chance with me? Matthew Rempe I swear to-”

Before you could finish your threat, Matt had placed his lips on yours, cutting you off with a kiss. Though shocked by the action, you didn’t fight it. Relaxing into the kiss before he pulled away.

“I just figured, with that gift I got you we were a little past first introductions.”

“You know, you’re lucky your cute Matthew Rempe…”

“Oh, so you do think I’m cute? I knew it!” He shot you a cocky grin as he dipped a chip in some queso. “We still have plenty of beer bottles, don’t make me bash you on the head with one.”

“Sweetheart, I get punched in the face on almost a nightly basis, I think I could handle a little beer bottle.”

[toulousewayne]

Daily Batfam Shenanigans Pt:2

———

Batmom heading downstairs to attend a gala and finds the boys yelling and shouting in the foyer.

Batmom: How many idiots does it take to tie a bow tie?

Bruce:…..

Dick……

Tim……

Damian: Three it seems.

———-

When your brothers speak multiple languages.

Batsis:Tell them I want taco with the tasty red chicken, with Spanish rice and extra cheese on the beans.

Jason: sí, el número uno con queso extra en los frijoles. You want chips and salsa?

Batsis: Sí

**

Damian: Tt, I don’t see why you can’t order yourself.

Batsis: 🥺

Damian: *Sighs*fine, you want soup with your order?

Batsis: yes, thank you little brother.

—-

Jason: We’ll slap me silly and call me darlin’ it’s raining again.

Dick & Babs (Unison): Not even gonna ask.

**

Jason: Wipe my butt and call me a baby.

Batsis: Dad said you can’t swear didn’t he?

Jason: We’ll I’ll be a monkey’s uncle, you sure they brightest crayon in the box.

Damian (While reading a book):Just because you have the features of a primate does not give you right to compare yourself to one.

Jason:….Fuck you

Bruce: Jason!

Jason:I like Mom so much more.

——

Tim:I’m sad

Dick: We know Tim.

Batsis: We’re all depressed, look who’s our father.

Bruce(Stoic):…

Alfred: I think it’s time I call the therapist.

———

Jason,Batmom are in the kitchen making snacks. While, Cass watches and steal one every once and a while.

Dick: FUCKING HELL!!!

Batmom rushes out the kitchen and Jason and Cass share a look before she returns carrying Dick like a small child.

Batmom: Get me the med kit now!

Cass graciously leaves and returns with it.

Jason while eating: What you do this time big bird?

Dick: I dropped my razor and it cut my leg.

Batmom places a Superman bandage on his cut. : All better.

Dick (happily): Thanks Mom.

Bruce standing in the doorway: You managed to carry a grown man down two flights of stairs.

Batmom turns to him and leaves the kitchen with an apple: Never underestimate a Mother’s will to help her children Brucie boy.

——-

Damian walking into the cave with a skateboard.

Dick:Whatcha got there Lil D?

Damian:Tt, Kent wants to go skateboarding but Mother never showed me how to use these devices.

Tim vibrating from not sleeping for 72 hours, five shots of espresso, two Red Bulls and a few bites of cold day old pizza.

Tim: We ride at Dawn!

Damian & Dick: 😳

—-

Batsis watching a movie with Damian and Titus in her room. Jason walks in flexes his biceps in her mirror turns to look at them then pushes her hair spray off the nightstand. And leaves her room with the door open.

Titus…..

Damian:….

Batsis:Damian—

Damian (pulling a Katana from Batsis’s closet): I thought you’d never ask. Come along Titus.

[spidybaby]

Pleasee we need a “Begin again” oneshot where polo meets Gavi and the rest of the team 😩🙏

"Okay, gordo, we're here." Pedro says, taking him out of the car seat.

The team was having a little father/daughter or father/son activity today, they ask the fathers to bring their kids.

The majority of the team found out by an instagram post that he made. But his friends like Ferran and Gavi knew before anyone.

Ferran was the only one who met Polo before the announcement. Something that Gavi didn't like was that he couldn't meet him before, even when he was the one who told Pedro about your return to Barcelona and gave you his number.

Xavi also knew before anybody else. He and the higher-ups of the club.

Polo was in a very good mood today, thinking that was great, considering he just had a cold and was in a very mad mood all day these past days.

"Hoy te daré un tour por donde juega papi." (Today I'm giving you a tour of the stadium where daddy plays)

"Papa"

"Yes, mi amor, and you're meeting some of my teammates, maybe some friends for you."

Pedro was one of the first ones to arrive. Xavi and him made conversation. He was happy with him because he stayed, Xavier knows that he is a very important player for them.

"Es que ya veo al futuro número ocho." (I can see the future number 8) Xavi jokes. "I don't know about your girlfriend, but I can only see you in him."

"My mother says the same thing." He laughs. "But I think he's going to change, I used to look like my dad, and now I look like my mother."

"I can relate. My son used to look like me, and now he's all my wife." Xavi points at his son. "I can't even believe I met you when you were a child, and now we are talking about our kids."

Pedro laughs, remembering how young he was, believing that being coached by Xavi was the best thing ever. And it was.

"Dios mio, mira esos cachetes." (My God, look at those cheeks) Ferran says, hugging Pedro carefully. "Hi beautiful boy, you're so big."

"He's heavier too." Xavi jokes.

"Gavi is so excited to meet Polo. He was so mad at me when I posted the picture to my WhatsApp."

"Macho, estaba enojado a más no poder, me tuvo bloqueado por varios días." (Man, he was mad as fuck, he blocked me for a few days)

"Who had you blocked?" Gavi ask, eyes fixed on his phone. "Man, this place is going to smell like dirty diaper and cheese."

"You heard that Polo?" Xavi says serious, "Tío Pablo dice que le caga que llegaras a oler a pañal cagado y a queso." (Uncle Pablo says he hates that you'll smell like dirty diaper and cheese)

The way Pablo lifts his head from the screen makes everyone laugh.

Xavi passed Polo back to his father. Pedro points to another room for Pablo to follow him.

"Polito, hijo mío, this is Pablo, he's your uncle, yes a piece of-"

"Don't say that González." Pablo quickly covers his friends mouth. "Introduce me nicely."

"This is Uncle Pablo. He's a little piece of mind, but it turns out to be one of the best people I have ever met."

Pablo has his eyes on the boy. He's so like Pedro, but he can definitely see some of you.

"Puedo cargarlo?" (Can I hold him?) He ask excited.

"I don't know." Pedro laughs. "Polo, do you want Uncle Pablo to hold you?"

Polo smiled at Pablo. He has his hands out, ready to hold him.

"Vente, I want to see if your uncle Fernando is right about you being a little rock."

Polo extends his arms to Pablo, and he didn't miss a second to take him.

"Joder, si que eres lindo, y eso que este de acá." He points at Pedro. "Es tu papá." (Fuck, you're really beautiful, and that on this man being your father)

Pedro couldn't help but laugh at how his friend is talking to the child about how thanks to him, his parents are now together.

"Venga, vamos afuera que ya va a empezar." (C'mon, let's go outside. This almost begins) Pedro tries to take his son from Pablo, but this one walks away with him as if it's his own. Still talking to him about different things.

"Hey guys" Frenkie shouts, he was so excited for this day, even tho he's not a father himself, he loves kids, they're funny, cute and he loves hugs and kids love giving hugs. Perfect day for him. "Pablo? Do you have a son?" He asks, confused.

Before Pablo could answer, Pedro and Ferran say yes. Even giving him the diaper bag.

"I'm a father now, right Pablito Jr?"

"God, I hate that name." Ferran laughs.

"You're just jealous because Pablo Jr. and I are going to have an amazing day today." He says, sticking his tongue out as he walks to the field where the other players and their kids are.

"Did he just stole your son?" Xavi asks, watching the way Pablo is showing Polo around.

"Yes."

"Joder, that kid is crazy. Let him try to change a diaper, and he'll give the baby back so quickly."

Pedro laughs at the idea, but he can't lie that the way Pablo's bragging about his kid is adorable.

And he was kind of right, without him finding you at the grocery store and giving you his number. It would've taken more time than necessary for you two to reconnect.

"Pedro," Ansu calls, waving at him to come. He recently welcomed his firstborn to the world. So it was the first time they met the baby. "Where's your kid?"

With his eyebrows, he points towards Pablo. He and Raphinha are talking, both with kids that aren't theirs.

"Don't worry, once they start fussing, they're getting them back." He laughs, "This is Mike, he's my son."

"We're getting a new player in a few years." He says, taking the kid in his hands. Before Polo, he would have denied holding any babies, too scared to drop them or something. But after Polo, he was confident in himself. "Epa, he's really cute."

"He's a pain in the ass at night, but I wouldn't change a thing." They laugh, knowing what it is, Ansu more than him.

The activity begins, it was a fun recreational event. More focused on the bigger kids, but they included all the kids with all kind of activities.

"Pedro." Pablo hurries to his side. "I think he pooped."

"I don't know, man, that's Pablo Jr Paez, not Polo González." He turns and walks away slowly, knowing Pablo is panicking.

"Pedro." He cries. "I can't do this, I'm a kid."

"A what now?" He can't believe the scare face his friend has. It's comical. "I thought you were saying that's your kid."

"Es que," he tries to think of an excuse that's good enough. "I'm a kid."

Pedro can't keep with his joke since the face his kid has is a panicked one, he's uncomfortable and he knows it.

"Come here, precioso mio." He hugs Polo carefully, not wanting to smear the situation in his diaper. "Want to come with me?"

Pablo makes this funny face, saying no with his head. "But when you're done, I want him back, I really like holding him"

"Adiós." He says, waving his hand, walking to the bathroom. Lucky for him, Frenkie was there. "Hey man, are you done playing with the kids?"

"No, but Ansu wanted me to hold his baby, and I was nervous."

"So you hide in the bathroom?" He raised his eyebrow. "Why not just say no?"

"No, I hold him, but I almost drop him, so I'm done for the day."

"It's okay, that happens, just don't hold more babies for the day, and if you do, make sure to do it slowly."

Frenkie and him stayed there. He changed the diaper, and Frenkie told him about the things some kids told him.

The activities continued, and they all had a nice time. The club gave them some gifts for this fathers/kid Day, it was a funny experience.

"I got a bag." Pablo says happy, "and I got a lollipop." He lifts the gift with his free hand, proud of it.

"Why did you get a gift, and I didn't." Ferran ask confused, he tried to stole a gift, but he couldn't.

"Paula has a crush on me." He laughs, knowing that everyone in the club is aware that he's single and with no kids. But Paula saw him with the baby in his arms and gave him the bag without question.

"Asshole."

"You're just jealous."

"Okay," Pedro interrupted. They all got to their cars, coincidentally they're parked next to each other. "Give me my son, and go home with your gift."

"Adiós, Pablito Jr." He kisses the baby multiple times, Polo is laughing, loving the attention. "I want to take you home, but I can't even change you, so I'll come see you."

"You can come anytime." Pedro pats his back. Pablo and Ferran never needed an invitation for them to go to his house, and he didn't need an invitation to go to their houses. "Polito loves the attention, and you need a distraction from the videogames."

"Papa." Polo does grabby hands to Pedro, done with Pablo's arms. The two boys are in awe from this, Pedro is an amazing father, and they know it.

"No, but I'm serious. You both can come at any time." He shakes both the boys' hands. Polo also waved them goodbye, something Fernando taught him to do. Making both Pablo and Ferran almost scream in excitement.

When he arrived home, he bathed the baby, ready for his nap. After all, it was a good day for him.

"Hola hola," you greet, walking in with your work bag. "How was it?" You kiss Pedro hello, then kiss Polo, who was almost passed out with the way he's being swayed and the milk he's almost done with.

"It was good, Pablo told everyone that he was Pablo Jr., and Ansu has a babyboy. Remember me to send something to him."

"I'm not surprised with Pablo, I mean, he even sent me an audio mad when we didn't tell him first." You laugh, happy for your boys, mostly because Pedro is starting to become more secure about Polo being public and trusting himself with him outside.

"Yeah, crazy. Also, Xavi says -"

The doorbell interrupted him, and you go check who it is, laughing when you see who's at the door.

"Come in." You step aside for Pablo to come in. "I heard you have a kid now."

"Oh stop, but I got a gift from saying that."

Pablo walks in happy, gifts in hand. "I bought this when Pedro told me, well, Ferran announced it to me." He says, bittery joking tone. "But I wanted to drop it."

"Pablito," you hug him, Pablo, and you always had this special connection. He trusted you like nobody else, always asking you for advice, for help. He was like a little brother to you. Just like with Pedro, they had this relationship since the beginning. "Te quiero mucho."

The evening was good, Pablo and Pedro talked about future matches. He even learned how yo change a diaper when Polo woke up.

I guess we all can say that Pablo has baby fever thanks to your kid.

[dreamycloud]

❤️ first kiss / realization - I'd love to see this with Don and L3666 but would also be happy with regular Lokius!

Thank you for the first ask, @stillwanderingflame!!!!! Of COURSE I had to deliver a story specific to D3666 and L3666, but the challenge was that they already had their first kiss in my fic i bet on losing dogs. I needed to figure out a way to fulfill this prompt…and I think I got it. Enjoy!

“Of all the luck,” D3666 muttered, smacking his shin on the WaveRunner VX Deluxe he didn’t see in front of him until lightning illuminated the shop.

Rain fell as if heaven had a water hose aimed at Cleveland; he couldn’t see much out the windows beyond the silver deluge flooding the parking lot.

“You go on ahead, Dale,” Don whispered, rubbing his bruised shin through his khaki pants. “It’s Saturday night. Can’t keep that hot date of yours waiting. I’ll check the circuit breakers. No, I don’t need help.”

And look where his kind gesture got him. He was the one cut off from his family for the night with no way of reaching them. The phone lines were dead. He couldn’t even make smoke signals. A carrier pigeon would drown in that rain trying to fly home. He hoped Dale choked on his chips and queso.

He should have gotten off work at five, but his wristwatch told him it was past eight with no hope of escaping bunking down for the night in Piranha Powersports for the night. He and Dale had been on staff for the last shift, and at around 4:45pm, the power went out.

Problem was, despite one wall of the shop made of floor-to-ceiling windows, moving without walking right into the displays proved to be impossible. He also had no idea where the circuit breaker was. He may be a Chief Sales Officer, but he wasn’t the General Manager. Darlene was out on her annual trip to Honolulu and thought they could behave themselves like adults while she was gone. She liked cutting corners.

The biggest problem of all, he learned, at 5:10pm, was that the building’s security system kicked in. One feature was that the doors locked from the inside. Don, to his horror, discovered that he couldn’t leave. He had spent an embarrassing few minutes pushing and tugging on a door that would not budge. His arms were tired. His shins—both of them—hurt from multiple collisions. There should have been a flashlight in Dale’s station behind the counter, but damn it, he couldn’t find it.

So Don stumbled toward the back of the store, holding a prayer between his lips that he could do so without incident. Another lightning flash and he saw Thrustking before him. Don sighed and climbed up, tossing one leg over so he could sit up high and watch the nasty storm until he fell asleep still straddling the personal watercraft.

Loki would have put the boys to bed by now. Don had already cooked for the night, making plastic-wrapped plates of chicken parm made from cheap tomato sauce and dinosaur chicken nuggets. Green beans, French cut, drowned in butter for Kevin and Sean. Once he’d realized he was trapped, Don had scarfed down an old crinkly granola bar. So much for family dinner.

The pit in his stomach grew as he recalled the morning. He had been on his way out the door and stopped at the kitchen table to press kisses to the crowns of his boys’ heads. They squirmed and complained, splashing cereal, but they were not-so-secretly pleased by the attention from dear old dad.

“See ya later, sweetheart,” Don said, catching Loki in doorway. He rolled onto his toes to kiss Loki’s smooth cheek, but Loki startled like a deer and flinched away.

Don’s face burned with the rejection. He hadn’t waited for Loki’s stammering explanation, if he was even going to get one from the god. He grabbed his keys and ran off to work.

The rain hissed. Don wrapped his hands around the handlebars and squeezed. This was his first week back at work after recovering from the injury that nearly killed him when the Kree attacked. He had a nasty scar on his stomach but he was happy to be alive. Except today, maybe. Today, he was hurt and confused.

He and Loki had been intimate nearly every night since their first time. Loki seemed to adore him, his face slack with pleasure as he moved above Don. But Don still needed to be gentle, tempering his touches, waiting for the god to consent to each spine-tingling moment in bed. And when Don thought about it, he realized that Loki was in control. Loki kissed first and last. Loki pushed Don into bed or against the cold shower wall. Loki melted into him. Not the other way around.

Maybe that was the problem. Don hadn’t yet kissed Loki first. And he really, really wanted to.

“No help for it,” he muttered, grimacing. He respected that Loki’s healing journey would be long and jagged. The torture he suffered couldn’t be erased overnight, no matter how deeply he and the boys loved the god. But this morning had cut Don deeper than any knife. Made him wonder if maybe he wasn’t desirable enough. Maybe the idea of being kissed by Don might be equal to having a bucket of cockroaches dumped on Loki’s head.

He was only human, after all. Understanding only got him so far.

A crack of lightning made Don jump, fingers flexing on the handlebars. A shadowy figure stood outside the shop.

“Shit,” Don said, sliding off Thrustking in a panic. A robbery on a night like this? Where could he find a weapon?

A new sound coming from inside the shop—the plink, plink, plink of rain hitting the tile floor.

Don held his breath.

“Your dinner’s gone cold.”

He exhaled harshly. “Loki?”

L3666 burned his image upon Don in the next lightning flash. He was sopping wet, hair slick against his pale, sulky face and black trousers and sweater sticking like a second skin to his tall, slim frame. A puddle formed beneath him. The darkness came again. Loki’s voice was soft like silk. “Sean and Kevin are asleep. The sound of the rain knocked them out early.”

“Good, good,” Don said. His palms felt suddenly sweaty. He wiped them on his khakis. “How did you…?”

“So this is where you’ve been hiding,” Loki said, sharp and full of hurt. “I must say, choosing work instead of a bar to avoid me is uninspired.”

Don blinked. What was he talking about? “How do you figure I’m avoiding you? In case you haven’t noticed, the power’s out. The phone lines are dead.”

Loki sniffed, offended.

“I’m trapped like a rat in his building until morning, O Great God of Limitless Power. Or did you forget to notice those details when you popped in here easy as pie?”

“Forgive me, I was more concerned with your absence,” he said stiffly.

“I’m glad someone was,” Don said softly. He took a few slow steps closer.

“When you didn’t come home,” Loki said, “I worried about what happened this morning. I didn’t mean to react the way I did.”

“I know,” Don said. The hurt he’d been carrying all day washed away with the rain.

“You were there so suddenly. In my face. I hadn’t been paying attention and it scared me,” Loki said, words tumbling over each other, silk turned frayed.

“It’s okay, Loki. I get it. I know.”

Loki’s ruined leather shoes squeaked as he approached. His hands slid over Don’s elbows, catching on his forearms. “You doubted me. I can feel it.”

Don looked up where he thought Loki’s face would be and felt the warmth of the god’s breath wash over his face. “No, no, no. I was hard on myself. Not you. Never you, sweetheart. I just wasn’t sure if I’m what you really want. If I can’t kiss you…”

Loki’s breath hitched. His fingers dug into Don’s forearms. “Kiss me, then.”

“Just like that?”

Loki let go, and in the next lightning flash, Don saw him tuck his hands into the pockets of his wet trousers. No longer touching, leading, directing. He waited for Don.

Don gently cupped Loki’s face, smoothing away the clinging raindrops on his cheeks. “Trust me?”

Loki trembled, his eyes electric green in the storm. “Always.”

Don led Loki’s mouth to his. Loki shuddered and moaned, leaning into Don’s kiss but made no move to control it.

He playfully smattered kisses on the god’s wet lips. My kisses are fun, he told Loki with his mouth, my kisses are a balm when you’re feeling blue. One hand slid to the back of Loki’s head and slowly curled into a fist, grabbing a handful of slick black hair. He pulled Loki even closer and slid his lips across the god’s, setting them both aflame.

Loki’s hands flexed restlessly in his pockets. Wordless begging between kisses, demanding more.

Don tilted Loki’s head and ran his tongue over Loki’s bottom lip. The god opened instantly. His other hand pulled roughly at the heavy, soaked sweater. They both moaned loudly then Don’s tongue curled around the god’s.

He wasn’t sure how long they kissed, lazy and slow, punctured by fits and bursts of desire. At one point, Don pulled away to catch his breath and saw the droplets clinging like crystals to his god in another lightning flash. He cupped the back of Loki’s neck and kissed the fragile column of Loki’s throat.

Loki gasped and raised his chin, exposing more of his neck. Don’s heart squeezed. This was Loki at his most vulnerable, bearing the most fragile part of himself. Don didn’t take that lightly. He was honored. Don supported the back of his neck and made a trail of kisses from his collarbone to the underside of his razor blade jawline. He licked up every droplet still clinging, cold rainwater melting on his tongue.

The rainfall let up right about the time Don’s lips had felt sore and sensitive from the small bites Loki allowed himself. They parted, breathing hard, searching for each others’ eyes in the dark.

“Suppose we go back now?” Loki asked hoarsely.

Don huffed, amused and madly in love. “That’s your call. I can’t get us out of here, but you surely can since you found your way in.”

Loki probably rolled his eyes. At least, Don hoped he did. He liked seeing the god get some humor back. “If we’re quiet, the boys won’t hear us.”

Don pressed a kiss to Loki’s cheek and grinned with Loki didn’t flinch. They could do this. They’d be fine. “Is that a challenge? Because I can’t think of a better way to spend our Saturday night.”

[goldengleams]

i’m so fucking cool so here is my request: adam fantilli.

ok sass !!!! but yes here are some thoughts about resident cutie hockey player: adam fantilli

ok where to begin!!!

adam is literally a ray of sunshine

like he's always cheesin

i feel like adam would literally never call you by your first name

babe is his all time favorite

"babe?"

"yes adam?"

"just missed you"

"adam i've been sitting next to you for thirty minutes"

loves to talk about things he's passionate about and the people he cares for

even though you don't totally understand the hockey world, you would listen to him talk about hockey for hours if he wanted to

super easygoing guy but...struggles to talk about his sad feelings

never outwardly says that he's upset or nervous, so you have to learn his tells

leg shaking when he's nervous, super quiet and avoidant when he's upset about something

definitely ghosted you when he was making his decision to go to the draft

you're quick to show up at his door, giving him one look that just makes him crumble

"how'd you know something was wrong?"

"you ever heard the phrase 'you wear your heart on your sleeve', fantilli?"

adam is pretty good at separating his personal life from hockey but when it comes to you, he tells you how he really feels about everything without pulling punches

he's quick to introduce you to his brother, luca

takes you both out for lunch and is extremely nervous

luca watches as you place your hand on adam's thigh, lock eyes with him, and take a subtle deep breath to show him that everything will be okay

and yeah, you're basically in the family after that

adam says 'i love you' pretty early on in the relationship but you follow his lead and say it back soon after

comfortable with showing pda even though he gets chirped endlessly by the hockey boys

"yo, keep it pg around the children!"

"i gave her a kiss, rutger!"

"three second rule!"

will casually talk about you and invite you to events that are supposed to be boys only because he just enjoys your presence so much

the boys also really enjoy your presence

seems like he would be really good at buying gifts

like down to the size and everything

very attentive to you, sometimes it catches you off guard

"hey babe, got you a bowl from chipotle when luke and i were out"

"how'd you know my order?"

"oh i just remembered it from last time, got you chips and queso, too"

will post you on social media!!!

i feel like a lot of things wouldn't get talked about because Adam is sure about what he wants but sometimes it drives you a little crazy since you're a planner

"adam, you never told me your parents were in town!"

"oh, i just didn't think it was that big of a deal babe, but don't worry, they're super excited to meet you!"

gives great hugs (i can just feel it)

will always bend down so you can wrap one arm around his shoulder and another around his torso, best hugs if you know what i mean

knows when you get your period and will discreetly leave his comfiest sweatshirt in your room the night before your cycle starts

knows you get emotional, so adam will provide romcoms and tissues and allows you to just lay on him for comfort

"you're my favorite person ever, adam fantilli, and you can't ever change that"

got carried away on this one but it was for a good reason! live laugh love adam fantilli

[aerodaltonimperial]

(crack treated seriously, inspired by a convo with @homoeroticgrappling. jack, darby, concussion protocols, and chipotle.)

"Just pick what you want on—"

"I'm deliberating."

"You are stalling, just pick one—"

"I don't know what I want, there's just so many options here."

"It's a Chipotle, Darby. They are literally everywhere. Just—"

"I just can't decide, I don't—"

"Do you want carnitas or beef on your fucking burrito, Darby?"

"Jack, has anyone ever told you that, like, first, you suck, and that second, you have no patience?"

"Jesus Christ, I cannot believe I am stuck doing this. Fuckin' concussion protocols that you keep ducking out of it, and I just won Anarchy in the Arena? I should be getting accolades. Instead, I'm being punished."

"You hit me with a bus, it's your job to make sure I don't scramble my brain by falling asleep."

"That is so not what this is about."

"No, you're right, I think it was the kicks to the face thing, but our satanic EVPs didn't want to do it, so they farmed it out to their new bitch boy."

"Pick a fucking meat, Darby."

"Beef."

"Hey, do you have any rat poison back there? He'd like a generous scooping."

"Fuck off, Jack, he makes, like, minimum wage."

"Could you please hurry up, this is the longest Chipotle run of my life."

"It's 1 AM and there's no one else here, it doesn't even matter."

"I'm literally losing brain cells waiting for you to decide—Jesus, Darby, pick some fucking vegetables, oh my god."

"That implies you had brain cells."

"I think you being this annoying means you don't have a concussion and I can leave."

"Nope, rules say you gotta stay and wait for an hour to make sure I don't fall asleep."

"You're not gonna fall asleep here."

"You sincerely doubt my spite, Jack. I'll sleep in that fucking guacamole just to fuck you over."

"Hopefully that's after he finishes putting it on your burrito."

"Oh, you gotta pay, too."

"What the fuck."

"Just pull out one of those fancy Elite credit cards I know you got shoved in your defiant jeans, man."

"Uuuuuugh, fine, move. Move."

"Dude, I said to use the Elite card, not your—"

"Shut up, and take your fucking drink cup, Darby."

"...I didn't ask for a drink."

"I'm gonna shove you in the queso."

"Fine, fine, god. You're so fucking grouchy. It's all that time with those douchebags, y'know. Are you gonna sit like three tables away, or you wanna sit down next to me and—oh, across, nice, we can play footsie."

"How long is it gonna take you to eat this?"

"Why, you got some kinda hot date waiting for you, Jack? Hope they like their midnight snacks flame-broiled."

"Ha, ha. You think your nose is broken again?"

"Does it look like it is?"

"I dunno, your whole face looks like shit."

"Wow, charmer."

"I didn't say it usually does, god. ... don't do that. Don't do that thing with your face, and that expression, do not—"

"So you think my face looks nice normally?"

"You're literally just putting words in my mouth right now. I absolutely did not say that."

"I mean, you kinda implied it."

"I did not, I'm tired, and I was set on fire today, so if anything, the only thing I implied was how much I hate you."

"Don't even fuckin' lie, you had so much fun."

"That's... not the point."

"Jaaaaaaack."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Here, eat some. I got you a spoon."

"I don't... yeah, okay, fine."

"Just save enough space for all that fancy room service you'll be ordering later. Champagne, and strawberries, and—"

"Yeah, i will not be doing that."

"Date unimpressed with bitch food?"

"I don't have a date."

"But Jack. You just won Anarchy in the Arena, remember? The accolades!"

"I am sincerely going to shove you broken nose first into your burrito."

"My face that you implied sometimes looks nice?"

"I did not!"

"No, but you are laughing."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Can't recall seeing you laugh since you've been back is all."

"... well, I guess there hasn't been much to laugh about. You know, with all the bullshit. And there was being on fire earlier, if you'll recall."

"Sounds hot."

"...god dammit."

"There you go again, fightin' it. Why're you fightin' it, Jack?"

"Why are you eating so slow?"

"Maybe I just wanna make it last longer."

"You know, we tried to kill each other earlier."

"Didn't succeed, though, so... whomp whomp. Guess we'll have to find somethin' else to do."

"Like eat Chipotle at 1 AM in Vegas?"

"... yeah. Like that. Or, y'know... you got a bed in the back of that bus?"

"What exactly are you implying here, Darby?"

"I dunno, you're the one playing footsie with me under the table. Good way to make sure I don't fall asleep, huh?"

"We have hotel rooms. We don't need the bus."

"Eh, not nearly as sexy, is it?"

"Boy, you're a cheap date."

"So you admit this was a date."

"Darby, this was a concussion protocol."

"Honestly, they seem like the same thing to me."

"You gonna bring your flamethrower?"

"Don't threaten me with a good time, Jack. And no. They kept it at the arena. Bitches."

"Are you done now?"

"You gonna take me home?"

"Sure, I'll walk you down the strip."

"Dirty."

"Fuck off."

"Guess we'll see how well the walk goes, huh? ... you're laughing again."

"I'm not, I don't even know how to laugh anymore."

"Hey, can you get cash out of an ATM from that Elite credit card? Let's go hit the casinos."

"Why, you feeling lucky?"

"Y'know, I kind of am."