#public disorder

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

"Police Chief Told to Get Help To Arrest His Son Over Brawl," Toronto Star. September 1, 1943. Page 2. --- Plage Laval, Que., Sept. 1 - Police Chief Rene Bolduc of Plage Laval was ordered by Recorder Rene, Dubois to enlist the aid of Quebec provincial and R.C.M.P. if he could not quickly arrest his son, Rene Bolduc, wanted on a warrant in connection with a recent Saturday night brawl, at a local dance hall.

At last night's trial of Andre Bigras, arrested following the fight, Bolduc told the court he had not been able to apprehend his son. Judgment on Bigras, charged with disturbing the peace, will be pronounced Sept. 14.

Dubois stated he was satisfied the brawl in which a well-known Montreal athlete, Moe Herscovitch, was seriously injured had not merely been a spontaneous incident, but had been deliberately planned.

Herscovitch is still in hospital and will shortly undergo an opera- tion in the hope of saving the sight of an eye.

"It is clear now who started this whole affair," said the recorder. "These French-Canadian boys thought that they could take the law in their own hands." Recorder Dubois expressed horror when evidence was given that Herscovitch was writhing on the ground while seven or eight attackers kicked him in the face.

Bigras admitted telling young Bolduc that "we should leave the police alone. It is these Jews that we are going to fight." He denied having used brass knuckles.

[inkskinned]

hey btw if you're in the USA at  2:20 p.m. ET on Wednesday, Oct. 4, they're testing the emergency broadcast system. your phone is probably going to make a really loud noise, even if it's on silent. there's a backup date on the 11th if they need to postpone it.

if you're not in a safe situation and have an extra phone, you should turn that phone completely off beforehand.

additionally, if you're like me, and are easily startled; i recommend treating it like a party. have a countdown or something. be surrounded by your loved ones. take the actions you personally need to take to make yourself safe.

i have already seen mockery towards any person who feels nervous about this. for the record, it completely, completely valid to have "emergency broadcast sounds" be an anxiety trigger. do not let other people make fun of you for that. emergency sounds are legitimately engineered to make us take action; those of us with high levels of anxiety and/or neurodivergence are already pre-disposed to have a Bad Time. sometimes it is best to acknowledge that the situation will be triggering for some, and to prepare for that; rather than just saying "well that's stupid, it's just a test."

"loud scary sound time" isn't like, my favorite thing, but we can at least try to prevent some additional anxiety by preparing for it. maybe get yourself a cake? noise cancelling headphones? the new hozier album? whatever helps. love u, hope you're okay. we are gonna ride it out together.

[star-anise]

reading supercut: disability, body image, and trauma

A glimpse into the clothes thrashing around in the washing machine of my mind, with apologies that it is still a wet lump and not an actual synthesis of ideas.

From Easy Beauty: A Memoir by Chloé Cooper Jones:

[This event] embedded a damaging idea in me, one I’d recognize deeply when I read Scarry years later: beauty was a matter of particulars aligning correctly. My body put me in a bracketed, undercredited sense of beauty. But if I could get the particulars lined up just right, I could be re-seen, discovered like the palm tree is discovered. To be deserving of the whole range of human desires, I had to be extraordinary in all other aspects. In this new light, I started to see my work, my intellect, my skills, my moments of humor or goodness, not as valuable in themselves, but as ways of easing the impact of my ugliness. If only I could pile up enough good qualities, they could obscure my unacceptable body. [...] accepting the argument that beauty was malleable came, for me, with a cost. The Platonian view rejected me cleanly, but Hume and Scarry left a door ajar and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to contort my form to see if I could pass through it.

From Til We Have Faces: A Myth Retold by CS Lewis:

I now determined that I would go always veiled. I have kept this rule, within doors and without, ever since. It is a sort of treaty made with my ugliness. There had been a time in childhood when I didn't yet know I was ugly. Then there was a time (for in this book I must hide none of my shames or follies) when I believed, as girls do — and as Batta was always telling me — that I could make it more tolerable by this or that done to my clothes or my hair. Now, I chose to be veiled.

From Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy of Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan:

Inhibited grieving is understandable among borderline patients. People can only stay with a very painful process or experience if they are confident that it will end some day, some time—that they can "work through it," so to speak. It is not uncommon to hear borderline patients say they feel that if they ever do cry, they will never stop Indeed, that is their common experience—the experience of not being able to control or modulate their own emotional experiences. [...] In the face of such helplessness and lack of control, inhibition and avoidance of cues associated with grieving are not only understandable, bur perhaps wise at times. Inhibition, however, has its costs. [...] Volkan (1983) describes an interesting phenomenon, "established pathological mourning", which is similar to the pattern I am describing. In established pathological mourning, the individual wishes to complete mourning, but at the same time persistently attempts to undo the reality of the loss.

From How to Respond to Criticism by Danny Lavery:

Apologize, but don’t really mean it, and plant a seed of secret resentment so deep in your own heart that years later you can’t even remember that you’re the one who nurtured it and made it grow, it seems that much like a native part of you.

From Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed:

[After learning that state child protective services had made a budgetary decision to only intervene with children under 12, to one of the teenagers that regularly shared stories of abuse at home] I told her it was not okay, that it was unacceptable, that it was illegal and that I would call and report this latest, horrible thing. But I did not tell her it would stop. I did not promise that anyone would intervene. I told her it would likely go on and she’d have to survive it. That she’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it [...] I told her that escaping the shit would be hard, but that if she wanted to not make her mother’s life her destiny, she had to be the one to make it happen. She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything. She had to grab like a drowning girl for every good thing that came her way and she had to swim like fuck away from every bad thing. She had to count the years and let them roll by, to grow up and then run as far as she could in the direction of her best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by her own desire to heal.

From Essays in Aesthetics by Jean-Paul Sartre:

Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.

From "I Know What You Think of Me" by Tim Kreider:

if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.

[misscammiedawn]

Ok but like aren't you just promoting further dissociation by treating DID like your own personal character sheet of online personas? Can you explain why that's a legitimate thing to support people doing instead of seeking professional help to stop the dissociation in the first place?

(Edit: we never implied people should not seek treatment. Do not understand why you thought this. We are heavy advocates of mental healthcare and write about that often)

That is a fair and valid question and one that is personal to every person who receives care and treatment.

The ISSTD guidelines specifically caution against treating parts/alters as individuals in the very first words of their section on treatment and care:

Although the DID patient has the subjective experience of having separate identities, it is important for clinicians to keep in mind that the patient is not a collection of separate people sharing the same body. The DID patient should be seen as a whole adult person, with the identities sharing responsibility for daily life. Clinicians working with DID patients generally must hold the whole person (i.e., system of alternate identities) responsible for the behavior of any or all of the constituent identities, even in the presence of amnesia or the sense of lack of control or agency over behavior (see Radden, 1996).

This is often quoted in support communities as a way of invalidating alters/parts and imply that treating the parts as individuals is unhealthy.

The unhealthy thing is not acknowledging that we are the same person. As the writing above states, we have collective responsibility for our shared life.

There is only one name on our driver's license.

In fact with our own treatment it took over 3 months of consistent work for the parts in denial to accept we had the condition. The first step was acknowledging that there was a divide.

In Janina Fischer's book Healing the Fragmented Self there is an entire unit on befriending dissociated parts that covers this important step in the healing journey:

“Befriending” one’s parts is not simply a therapeutic endeavor: it also contributes to developing the practice of self-acceptance, one part at a time. When Learning to See Our “Selves” clients pause their reactions to “befriend” themselves, to be curious and interested rather than dismissing and reactive, they slow time. Autonomic arousal settles; there is a relaxing of the sense of urgency to do or be anything different. They feel more at peace because their parts can be more at peace. Self-alienation, that is, disowning of some parts and identifying with others exclusively, does not contribute to a sense of well-being, even when it is absolutely necessary in order to survive. Self-alienation creates tension, pits part against part, communicates a hostile environment (often much like the traumatic environment), and diminishes the self-esteem of every part. Befriending means that we “radically accept” (Linehan, 1993) that we share our bodies and lives with these “room-mates” and that living well with ourselves requires living amicably and collaboratively with our parts. The more we welcome rather than reject them, the safer our internal worlds.

In a therapeutic setting for recovery one needs to accept that the parts exist and that contradicting desires and impulses are happening within the patient. Accepting and acknowledging parts is essential to that and getting to know them, or befriending them as Fischer puts it, is part of understanding these desires.

We are a fairly neat and tidy system as far as many dissociative systems go. Over the course of our therapy and in allowing our parts to have agency, autonomy and individual expression we have come to learn that as a single unified being there are aspects of our personality which we cannot accept as part of who we see ourselves or allow others to see ourselves as.

The big one that many people know is Dawn. We are terrified of erotic intimacy to the point of pre-diagnosis shutting down completely if we were touched in certain areas. We still had our drives, impulses and intrigues though and so Dawn was a version of us that would create online accounts and exist in kink communities and frankly push us beyond the point of comfort which caused us to have meltdowns, delete accounts and try to deny our sexuality entirely. The same is true of our gender expression.

We were married for 11 years and there is not a single erotic encounter that Dawn did not handle for the body. We have no memory of any of it.

As we accepted Dawn and made space for she has simmered down, no longer needing to tug on her leash in order to act and have her needs met. As a symptom we have evened out and are much more comfortable presenting as a sex-repulsed asexual, even when she is front.

The reason is, again, we are one person. Dawn is just a version of us that is not impacted by the terror we have towards eroticism.

Every part of our system exists for a reason. Forcing ourselves to accept the extreme reactions of our parts as "who we are" is as unhealthy as rejecting it outright.

There is nuance and gray.

Integration is finding where the lines are. What is combined and accepted behavior for the system and what is unique to individual parts. Finding these little bits of individuality has been healing. Particularly when each individual trait is something we have rejected and hated ourselves for at a point of our life.

We are healing by accepting the differences.

If we ever get to the point of Functional Multiplicity versus Final Fusion we will decide what to do next.

We are not at the point where we are willing to make those decisions. For now we are one and we are many. We are comfortable with that. Rejecting that and hiding under the knowledge that we are one is denial in another form.

[little-pissbaby]

PSA: tangling or tying these up off the floor is how someone like me dies on the floor of a public bathroom. if you untangle/untie an emergency cord, make sure it's resting OVER any bars in the wall so that you don't impinge its range. ty ly 😚

[clearpathscounseling]

More great content from Angie Cibis [Instagram]

[feything-n-frothing]

some quick sketches of feh Embla, the goddess of broken bonds and barriers and closure :) (and also a divine dragon with a bat motif!) because she is now on my mind.. 24/7..

[autismcultureis]

autism culture is eating food in a different way than others

.

[afannishknitter]

friendly reminder for northern hemisphere folks...

winter is coming.

this means a) the end of Daylight Savings Time in most places and b) less sunlight in general.

if you use a light therapy lamp it's time to find where you put it last spring and set it up somewhere useful.

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

"BEFORE THE MAGISTRATE," Winnipeg Tribune. February 4, 1943. Page 11. --- By V.V.M. WHEN Irene sought admission to a local dance hall, Wednesday night, she was informed that her presence was not desired owing to that fact that she was more than somewhat spifflicated. This rebuff annoyed Irene so much that she started kicking and pounding on the door of the hall in a most unlady-like manner.

Result was that Irene appeared in city police court today charged with being drunk on the street. She pleaded guilty and, because it was not the first time she had been in for the same sort of thing, she was given the usual alternative of paying $5 or spending seven days in jail.

On Wednesday afternoon police got a tip that two men who were deserters from the army could be found at a certain address. Detectives dropped around, picked the men up, then notified military authorities.

When members of the provost corps arrived at police headquarters to collect the prisoners, the captives said they wanted to see a detective before being taken away. They are then said to have confessed that they broke into a garage and stole an auto some time ago.

So, today they appeared in court with no charge yet laid against them, and were remanded until Friday. Meanwhile detectives will check up on the auto theft story with a view to laying a charge of garage breaking and theft.

[celestie0]

so out of the gojos who do u think is most likely to fall asleep between readers thighs like face still all up in there absolutely pussy drunk fucked out

yh maybe ihm daddy is the biggest munch cause by his old age he got that veteran experience

but like kickoff gojos such a big baby and ik he’s a reformed F boy but you did explain in chapter 7 I think that and he’s a no feels attached type guy and just a whore wanting to be layed 24/7 and we have every right to a call him an asshole

(LOVEEE THIS TROPE HE FELLLL SO HARD AAHH <3)

So I feel like it was just mutual pleasure and shi he was never big on the pillow princess treatment but maybe he gave head as pay back for a good bj

but with reader ofc he worships her and I feel like he’d be SO addicted and stuff his face in her any chance he gets a chance and then shed come down from her high and start stroking his hair and looks up to see him literally passed out with his face still snuggling near his sweet haven and she thinks its so cute and takes a picture

Anyway and option number 3 is retail au gojo bc I haven’t forgotten abt him and we already know he eats till his jaw is fucked

unless reader meant it when she said he’s not that good lol

-spinster anon 🤭

i think ihm gojo would bc he's an old man (i'm just kidding i don't think being in your 30s is old lmfaooo) and so he'd probs pass out after sex or after eatin her out or sumn lol. dude's exhausted tryna pay his mortgage. so reader running her fingers thru his hair while his head's still btwn her thighs wld get him knocked out in ten seconds flat loool.

but kickoff gojo? he's the robust age of 22. i remember when i was 22. i had all the energy in the world (jk i would rot in bed for hours) hahah so idk ab kickoff gojo passing out btwn reader's thighs. i feel like he the type to be energized asf after eating her out. like he'd make a habit of doin it before games just for the euphoria that he'd later channel into his plays on the field. some ego thing probably idk

HAHAH thanks for including retail au gojo in consideration. fuck ihm gojo and kickoff gojo cuz l&l gojo canonically ate l&l reader out for two hours in a storage closet LMFAODSFJDS. and no babe he's good at giving head, l&l reader just can't focus on cumming bc she's too worried ab getting caught n getting fired 💀💀

[ocd--culture-is]

questioning ocd culture is swearing up and down that you do NOT have ocd and are being dramatic/that even suspecting that you may have it makes you a bad person or a faker and then heavily relating to every symptom you come across on an otherworldly level.

this fr before being diagnosed, very normal apparently but it's so frustating

[misscammiedawn]

You may have discussed it before, but would you mind speaking a little bit on how you discovered you have DID?

I feel like I have a pretty stable core identity but there have been times under intense stress where I’ve experienced sudden “switches” in my personality. During a particularly bad period for a little over a year there was a time where I distinctly felt like a different person and did things I wouldn’t normally do, and I remember the specific moment where I came back into my body and became “me” again. This doesn’t happen often, but it has happened more than once throughout my life. When I see people talk about plurality I feel a little confused because their identities often seem to have their own names and genders and ages and backstories, and it seems so cut-and-dry.

I know these are all things to discuss with my therapist but I love how you talk about your own experiences. How can you differentiate between DID and other kinds of dissociation?

Thank you for asking, anon! I'm glad you are going to talk to your therapist about it while also doing the reading and reaching out-- heaven knows our own journey within the US mental healthcare system was rocky at best. The latest chapter of Madison/Belladonna is heavily sourced from IRL circumstances both in receiving the diagnosis and the decades long journey in the mental healthcare system to get there.

But to answer more directly-- (as always we are answering from a psychopathology lens for care and treatment, we recognize the beauty of plurality and do not reduce ALL experiences to mental healthcare concerns, we are approaching our own situation and experiences this way as it is how we lived it)

Our journey was guided from the outside. Both therapists and our partner who was able to see these "mood swings" in us were able to gently guide us to water despite our fierce denial and rejection of our situation. What started as "we're fine" turned to "mood swings" turned to "BPD" turned to "---maybe we should read up on OSDD?" Turned to our current therapist telling us over a year ago that we had DID after months of testing and interviewing to determine.

I should also note I likely realized it MULTIPLE times in my history and buried it again and again. I legitimately think that people in my former life knew and either assumed I knew too or worse I had told them and forgot that I told them. It worries me because I cannot ever be certain. I once asked my ex-wife about it after the divorce/diagnosis and she did say it was weird how she had a "different husband" depending on environment and social group. She said she never noticed it during the interactions, but she would always think back and feel that the "me" in any given moment was different from the ones she observed in social/work situations etc.

So like--- even if people notice, sometimes they don't even realize what they're seeing. Honestly I go full No Mask at work even when a male part fronts and no one really bats an eye. I don't think *most* people are as observant as we worry they are.

ANYWAY! Looking back these are the signs that I ignored:

- I not just wrote a consistent journal through every phase of my life (even going as far as to have a "memory list" that I populated "when I felt like it" (<- IE: when a part that associated with the memory was fronting and wanted to type about it) and more importantly I READ it. Often. I sometimes think that the majority of our memories are just imagined versions of what we wrote. That notion is helped by the fact we [used to] stop journaling during times of crisis or delete journal/chat log to prevent us thinking about distressing things.

- I wrote a lot of plural characters in my stories since my teenage years. Kinda like I kept writing female versions of myself? Funny how the Trans and DID acceptance arcs are so dang similar.

- I would emotionally cave in on myself after gatherings, berating myself for how I had acted all evening. Getting deeply upset at how "out of control" I was. We outright AVOID mood altering substances like alcohol or weed.

- When talking about traumatic memories we typically just tell the story rote. It doesn't bother us. We told therapists without batting an eyelid. This is dissociation. We were disconnecting ourselves from our memories. Emotionally distancing ourselves from the experiences.

- In the same vein, when we remember things we imagine things in locations like a 3rd person camera. Not populated. We don't hear or feel or associate. It's just a place and a knowledge. Our whole "context packet" thing where we just understand something without *feeling* it.

- Deleted emails and chatlogs, references to things we don't remember. Discord messages with people we don't remember talking to. It bothers me how many people in our online communities we were actually close to at some stage of our life and then erased. This is specific to us but Dawn has opened many accounts in the hypnokink community and Camden has shut them down and this has happened so many times that we don't even get upset when we find a buried email from 2013 with sign-up to a Yahoo Email account we don't remember having. That sounds dramatic. It's more just. Go into your emails, pull stuff up from 5-10 years ago and just scroll a while. See how much you remember and associate into. It's NORMAL to forget what websites you were browsing a decade ago. It's not normal to have an entire *LIFE* you hid from yourself.

- Sometimes people just... saw/knew us before we did and there were times when they would describe a version of us they weren't supposed to see and we got complete dysphoria over it. Sometimes it as joyful. Someone we love saw Cammie well enough to say when we transitioned that they wanted to see that "windswept girl with the big smile" all of the time. Sometimes it's mortifying, like when someone approaches Camden as if she is Dawn and Camden REJECTED that side of us so heavily that it caused emotional meltdowns and turmoil because Camden didn't WANT to be a sexy confident domme, she could barely see herself as a woman, when people saw the wrong version of us *without permission* it was just a violation that made things WORSE.

- On that note-- meltdowns-- we mentioned the whole "after a social gathering we'd emotionally cave in on ourselves" thing, there was a lot of that. After work we'd get a complete drop from having to be in Manager Mode all day or we'd have a crisis after erotic intimacy encounters because we're sex repulsed ace. The fact is our nervous system was activated during those times, our survival instincts were kicked in and brought the part associated to the surface to DEAL and when they backed off our body was still reacting to the trauma trigger and it would cause us to implode.

All of these things in therapy brought us to the conclusion of BPD. Because therapists be like that at times. A *TRAUMA* therapist gave us some DES-II, MID and ACE tests and worked out what was going on within 3 months.

It took a further 6-9 months with constant support from loved ones who were able to see us as individuals to *ACCEPT* it. This is a denial disorder, it doesn't want to be found. Asking questions, being honest and being accepting is the best way to come to terms with it. I wish it were easier and I wish you luck and support in your journey. Our inbox is always open!

You're not alone <3

[huellitaa]

"im so ocd" "im getting ocd" babe you saw a pen in the wrong spot and put it back to its original position. ocd is not perfectionism

[codecicle]

"support people! mental health matters!" until someone is even slightly weird or off-putting. yeah sure "mental health matters" you guys can't even handle mild depression

[shinsources]

You know what really irritates me? When people fetishize and/or don't do their research when it comes to personality disorders which leads to a lot of misconceptions and false truths. Here are some notorious examples:

Paranoid Personality Disorder and Paranoia are the same thing.

Those with Schizoid Personality Disorder lack emotions.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder and Schizophrenia are the same thing.

Those with Borderline Personality Disorder are manipulative and abusive and will do anything to be the center of attention.

Those with Histrionic Personality Disorder only care about sex.

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder only care about themselves.

Antisocial Personality Disorder and Psychopathy are the same thing.

Avoidant Personality Disorder and Introversion are the same thing.

Dependent Personality Disorder and Codependency are the same thing.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder and OCD are the same thing.

I don't really understand why people have the tendency to give everyone with Personality Disorders the cliché symptoms without actively researching them. And that's, of course, assuming they don't have the Personality Disorders. Again, for the love of whatever deity you do or don't believe in, do your freaking research. Watch videos, read articles, ask people what it's like for them to have said Personality Disorders, look up all of the symptoms, etc.