#psychosis mention ? /

[gor3sigil]

I’m Trans and Insane and I’m doing fine.

[TW Psychosis, transphobia, psychophobia, medication, psych ward]

“Are you sure ?” she asked.

I remember looking back at her in disbelief, because that was certainly a question I never asked her when she came out.

“Why do you ask ?” I say.

“Dude, I’ve seen you go into depersonalization so hard you even thought you were a human soul in a robot vessel and now, you want me to trust you when you say that you, too, are trans ?”

That’s the memory that comes back to me as I fold and put in my bag my psychiatrist’s note attesting that I suffer from gender dysphoria, NOT LINKED to any psychotic symptoms. Here it goes in my folder with my prescription note, an increase - again - of my anti depressants and Xan, and my endocrinologist’s HRT prescription, increased too - finally.

I go to two separate pharmacies to pick up each prescription for two reasons:

There is only one in this godforsaken town that always had testosterone in stock.

I can’t explain to you with words the look you can get when you give back to back, to someone who, despite not being a doctor, works in healthcare, a note for trans HRT and then a note for psychiatric meds.

And I’m lucky, because I’m not taking antipsychotics anymore. Contrarily to what you could think, it doesn’t magically makes the voices and the shadowy people disappear, but it can make a mess of your head pretty bad and my doctor and I both agreed that I didn’t need more damage up here than what I already had. And no, it doesn’t make your delusions vanish magically too: in fact, I was still pretty certain that I was talking to my soul family out here in Argentine telepathically about my mission on Earth, the meds just made it more difficult to understand their voices, but the belief was still solid.

Anyways, I’m back home with the Hoy Grail I fought tooth and nails to get: a letter from the Sacred Council of Mental Sanity also known as Psychiatry that I was, indeed, a bit delulu, but also trans, and that both things didn’t play into each other. My transness wasn’t a delusion, my delusions didn’t have anything to do with being trans.

Or did it ?

Chicken or egg, you know the drill. Did I have my selves fractured before and one of the piece that shattered my brain happened to make me trans or was I just trans with a shitload of traumas in the back that made me insane ?

But don’t worry, at least, trans people when we’re together, we have each other’s back ! Right ?

“Transidentity ISN’T a mental illness !! We don’t DESERVE to be FORCIBLY LOCKED UP and MEDICATED and MADE TO CONFORM FOR OTHER’S SENSE OF SECURITY !!”

Neither do I, RIGHT ?

Oh

Or do I ?

Remember what she said, my girlfriend, right at the beginning ?

How I can’t be trusted about myself when sometimes I don’t even have a sense of self anymore or I have too much selves who fight against each other ?

And what do we say to that ?

Get treatment. Get in-patient. Take medication. And for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it, you’re giving us a bad name.

Because being trans and crazy can’t exist. It’s absurd. You have to fix one of these two things. Choose which jacket I’ll wear, and they call it a straitjacket for a reason it seems, so am I queer or am I insane ?

All I know today is there isn’t a universe in which I’m a trans without any mental illnesses, or mentally ill without being trans. And yet, I can’t tell you how many time I got asked “do you think you’d be trans if you never got through [x trauma] ?”. I. Don’t. Know. I’ll never know. And I deserve just as much agency as you get despite being mentally ill. If you don’t believe in that, don’t come yapping about “liberation for all of us”, but “if one of us is crazy they’ll all think I am too and that can’t happen”.

No LGBTQIAA+ person deserves to be told they need to be put away, to be cured, to be allowed out in the open only if they’re deemed “acceptable” by society’s standards. And no mentally ill people deserve to either.

No trans person should be going through years of counseling to have the access to HRT.

And I shouldn’t have had to threaten my own mother’s life to avoid being locked in an adult psych ward at 14.

If you ever think, for one second, that these two things have nothing to do with one another, you are far removed from history.

To hear queer people say “yeah but some mentally ill people are dangerous !” feels like you don’t even know where you come from.

And if I want to say, that me being trans is linked to me being mentally ill, or at least, that both are connected in a way, all hell breaks fucking loose.

So I’ll explain very carefully.

See, when I was young, my mind got shattered into a thousand of pieces I had to try to glue back on. All these pieces of myself broke further more down the line because I couldn’t catch a fucking break. And now, it happens that the final puzzle does not have the same face it had before. It happens that its shape changed over time, for reasons over the control of all of us who tried to build ourselves back. Now there’s a bigger picture, less pieces, a few other shadows, and me. Built from the shatters. With my own needs and afflictions.

And whoever you are, whatever your agenda might be, I will not let anyone take any agency away from me under the false pretext that I can’t know anything for myself. They say that about children, they say that about minorities, about physically disabled people, about the people they want OUT. And my trans siblings, you know that.

I came out for the first time 7 years ago, to my then girlfriend, who was the one asking the question that is the first sentence of this text. I came out a second time 3 years ago. Been on HRT, had top surgery, had psychotic breaks, got my meds changed, switch therapist.

Because I am trans and crazy. And yet, all these choices I made, I made myself. It didn’t have to be that hard to get the basic care I needed. It didn’t need to be. But it WAS. And I’m part of the lucky crowd of people who had access to out-patient treatment, who never have been locked up in ward, who managed to stay alive through meds withdrawals without medical assistance when I had no therapist.

Be very careful of when you start to put conditions on the rights you think you deserve. Be very, very careful about your definition of sanity and of how it warps the way you see people. When you start to say “I have access to that, but there’s people like X or Y who shouldn’t BECAUSE”, pause and ask yourself what led you to think this way. More often than not, you’ll find yourself playing the same mind games as the ones you swore to fight against, and when it gives them the upper hand, they won’t hesitate to come for you after that.

[star--stricken]

*clicks on an interesting drama video* ”this person is a psychopath/sociopath/psychotic/narcissist/delusional!”

*sighs*

*clicks off the video*

[lowpolypony]

stamps set #5

rip brian griffin, sonic chaos, sonic i see you sinning, spinning ufo, weed leaves, spongebob imagination, spongebob reef blower, spongebob patrick where are my antipsychotics, warriors, we love warrior cats

[heartnosekid]

well, friends. i’m sure a good lot of you have seen this post. i was denied today. i have to contact a lawyer and i don't even know how to begin advocating for myself outside of simply contacting the firm an ex-friend of mine used to obtain disability.

if you would rather not read the whole vent, i completely understand. but if you would still like to provide answers or support to me, here are my main issues.

i need advice from others who have been denied disability and have gone through a lawyer to obtain it. i need advice on what to do about getting started with victim advocacy. that's about it, i reckon. i love you all. my dm's are open. you will be blocked if you clown.

and yes, i realize my stim blog is not the place to talk about this. i understand, but this is my largest audience and i feel i would be a fool to not post this somewhere it may be actually received.

tw for mental health talk / long vent under the cut, particularly of the despairing kind, and also mentions of CSA / CSAM, psychosis, and my general disabilities. if this post needs more trigger tags, please let me know and i'll add them.

my whole life i have been treated as if i am not struggling because i can do the bare minimum to keep myself alive. i can survive, but never thrive, and even surviving now has become difficult. i can't feed myself regularly, my guardians do that for me. i can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time without extreme duress and pain, which makes cleaning, showering, and going out super difficult and beyond draining. i can understand abstract concepts and certain ideas and am emotionally intelligent, but i struggle heavily with understanding money or how government works, particularly when it comes to laws and loopholes. i don't know when i'm "being had", as it were, and others have pointed this out to me throughout my adulthood. it feels as though this entire disability journey has been me "being had". they gave me something to cling on to, the possibility i may be able to receive real help, and it seems as though they basically knew the whole time they were going to deny me again. for the fourth time. i know that is unrealistic but, it does feel that way.

i wrote several full length books when i was a child / young teenager, and had two published. i won't share the titles because i have outgrown what i wrote and find them childish and frankly embarrassing, but everyone upon learning that i have written and had novels published, immediately jumps to the conclusion that i am some kind of self-sufficient, incredibly intelligent and capable person. i have never once been able to effectively take care of myself. without my guardians, i wouldn't be able to manage money, insurance, bills, cars, groceries, among other things. i don't even halfway understand how insurance on anything even works despite having been shown how it works.

i can see something, be "taught" to the best of someone's ability, and i will still not be able to learn. this has been a constant issue throughout my life, and the american public school system has continually helped these issues perpetuate. all schooling has done is teach me how to parrot back concepts and ideas, remember them for a limited amount of time before losing them to the void, and not how to fundamentally understand and learn them or utilize them in daily life. even higher education was like this, and i was not able to thrive throughout my experience with college despite making mostly okay grades (i cheated and lied a lot, okay. i'm not proud of it but i felt i had to get through or i would be severely punished). i had to a sign an agreement that i personally still do not fully understand to "obtain" my associate's degree, and i do not know why despite the fact it was explained to me, in detail. the information has not registered, and i now no longer have anyone that was involved in said agreement to explain it to me. everyone i say this to is like, "what? that doesn't make any sense." and i'm like. yeah. it doesn't, and i have zero ability to explain it to them in a way that makes sense.

i mention my associate's degree because i am sure in some form or fashion it was used against me in the disability process, since i was "able to complete higher education". also it should be noted i did an early college program. also probably has been used against me. also cheated through most of it.

people have always considered my kind of autism to be hyper competent, since it appeared that way when i was a child, despite showing several signs that i was struggling with a math-centric learning disability, called dyscalculia. i have since deteriorated to the point of barely having the knowledge a young adult should have, about how life works financially and honestly in general.

i have extreme fear about what may happen to me without proper assistance. my guardians will be able to take care of me for some time, but after that? that feels like a black hole to me. it doesn't exist nor will it while i am under-assisted, and this black hole fills me with utter despair. i try not to let it permeate my daily life, so as to not dwell in a future that doesn't exist yet and has the possibility for change. but god. it fills me with literal existential dread, and it is becoming so much more difficult to ignore the older i get.

a lot of factors have been used against me my entire life to deny me assistance, and these reasons being yet another factor has really dredged up a lot of shit from my past.

this is besides the point, but i also learned recently that CSAM was made and distributed of me when i was a child and wow. that has hit me in ways i cannot even describe. part of me is like, why was i not allowed to know after the fact, even when i became an adult? i was directly involved. why did no one tell me my abuser was convicted for counts of spreading CSAM, and that they lied directly to the court system about their inappropriate actions with me? i was disenfranchised in more ways than one by more than one person on allowance of my abuser, and i am just now hearing about it. i don't know how to deal and i don't know how to get started with victim advocacy in my area.

but at the same time, whilst being treated as severely more competent than i am, i have also been infantilized relentlessly, by nearly everyone around me. how does this make any sense. i feel incredibly stupid and uninformed and at the same time privy to things about my disabilities others are not, while not being able to effectively communicate it. i feel i am screaming and begging for help, nearly at my wits end with a lot of things, and all of it is reading as "owie booboo" to anyone who could do anything to help. i feel i am falling through the cracks, and i fear having to crawl back up through them. i fear i won't make the trek. i fear i will lose motivation and let myself rot. it feels like no one in a position of power has taken a true effort to really help me and i cannot help or advocate for myself. i am very scared.

on top of all of that stuff, i am withdrawing pretty heavily from cymbalta, experiencing heightened panic attacks every day, PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures), more episodes of psychosis and hallucinating than i'm used to, all of my mental and physical issues are out of control, and now this disability stuff. i also won't be able to see a psychiatrist for...maybe a week or so more, so no bridge meds till then.

these last couple weeks have just really kicked me down. thank you for reading if you got this far. i appreciate you more than you know and i have no idea where i would be without y'all and this blog. i love you all so very much.

-ish

[kyntypes]

I think I may actually be experiencing delusions. I haven't been delusional since I was 14-15 with psychotic depression. I'm nervous about what this could mean for me. Is all of my nonhumanity just a waste of time to discover? Were those DNA shifts even real???

I really, really don't want to call myself a clinical zoanthrope for fear of being incorrect. Though, I'm starting to fit that description. I dislike using psychology terms on myself if I haven't been officially checked out for anything. I dislike self diagnosis on myself, personally.

I was aware of my delusions back then, and here I am now able to double bookkeep and realize that I'm actually experiencing a delusion, and the morphing I felt could've been entirely psychogenic. But it's hard to push away that belief that I was indeed physically, genetically changing. I FELT that. I experienced that.

I don't know, I'm just rambling, but all of this scares me. I don't want to call myself a p-shifter either due to how the community is viewed by the general nonhuman community. I've already experienced enough backlash about another identity on here to understand that some folks aren't so open-minded after all.

I'm unsure where to go at this point. I still believe myself to be an animal, especially a lemur right now after my "DNA morphing" but I'm worried about me potentially experiencing psychosis for whatever reason. I don't know what it'd be caused by.

[kickabel]

[mental-ch-illness]

you can’t really understand psychosis until you’ve been through it. actually, you have to fully process and accept that you’ve been through it first. psychosis can be extremely traumatizing for the one experiencing it and people don’t understand that.

[gregorybacon]

a personal view point.

[stupid-twink-girl]

oh also i made a comic. i’m not an artist but this joke only really worked in a comic format so i doodled it out.

[kalo-p-sia]

it’s been a while, darlings.

I feel so connected to me right now it’s crazy. It’s like feeling me flow through my veins. Besides that, I got diagnosed for ASD and psychosis. Yay. Right?

Anyways, I’m bored. I feel a little empty today, but then again back to the top paragraph I don’t.

kinning is hard these days. especially with finding sourcemates, aha.

Love you guys, though. (my mutuals and whoever is looking at this post— I don’t even know you, what am I talking about? back sided compliment, I’m feeling it today).

[gor3sigil]

I have to share a story about why I HATE the term "trauma dumping".

So basically, we were at my at the time partner's house with friends of them and we were talking about mental health.

I don't remember exactly how we came to this but one woman started talking about psychosis and her sister who is schizophrenic.

She had a lot of preconception about this and, while I am not schizophrenic, I dealt with psychosis and hallucinations.

So I started to talk about my experiences with that, stating AGAIN that I wasn't schizophrenic but I thought it was an interesting point of view.

Some other people started asking questions so I answered them, asking here and there if it was okay for me to talk about it, and nobody, INCLUDING the woman who started the conversation in the first place, said anything.

And at one point I saw she was uncomfortable and asked her if she'd rather drop the subject.

And then, she BLEW UP on me saying that I was trauma dumping, that she felt like she was partaking in a conversation she NEVER ASKED to partake in (again, she was the one who brought up the subject), that I was being insensitive and over sharing shit and that she didn't like it.

Like, bitch, I asked a bunch of time if it was okay, you were the one talking about these symptoms without even living it and trying to teach people some crappy over the counter shit, but now that she wasn't the Main Character with the Knowledge it became an issue and I was the problem.

I know that I'm open about my experiences and tend to talk about it but I ALWAYS make sure that people on the other end are okay with me sharing this. This was just utter bullshit.

And online or IRL, I just noticed that the term "trauma dumping" is just the easy way out of a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable while putting the blame on the person doing it.

You can absolutely put boundaries, but don't you dare guilt someone just to avoid being seen as an asshole and make yourself clean of anything. It's healthy to state that you are uncomfortable talking about things, but you can do so without making up shit about others.

[cryptidsandchamomile]

Felt the presence of Jesus today while getting ice cream AKA my psychosis is getting worse again

[thecouncilofidiots]

Gross gross gross

Vent/Rant below

Fucking

Saneism

(/no one here) Please don't post "educational" shit if it's untrue and harmful

Like

Sharing your experiences? Cool beans, let's learn about and respect one another!

Invalidating others because they don't experience something the way you do? Claiming it's "wrong" for them to exist as they are? Under the guise of "helping educate"? 🚩🚩🚩

Doesn't matter the topic/"discourse" (this was about anti-physical alterhumanity), don't be saneist or ableist or just a plain old asshole

Fucking

And don't reality check others (unless you have their explicit consent, consent is everything)

If they are delusional (though let's be honest, most people misuse the word delusional), reality checking can be really fucking dangerous

Not only is it super invalidating, it can make the delusions worse while making the person feel isolated and unsafe

There are ways to actually help WITHOUT reality checking or "feeding the delusion", such as acknowledging that their fear/feelings are real, and asking what you can do to support them instead

Or!

If you really can't talk without being saneist, don't fucking engage

It's super easy to just

✨️not✨️

[jeweledstone]

More shitty filler for the yt channel

I think I’m funny

[amzarashi]

okay so this is something i want actual input on so it'd be nice if you guys could weigh in:

i used to be a huge fan of horror over a decade ago until my brain decided to amp up my hallucinations/paranoia/general ickyness. owing to this sudden shift, i had to stop consuming any and all horror/unreality content over the course of five years, completely quitting it during the covid pandemic. this meant i stopped watching/reading/listening to any and all media that referenced horror of any kind, (no but jjk, bastille, hozier, everything shane and ryan, trc, the list goes on). while i have found loopholes to enjoy content, it's really not worth the feeling of debilitating dread and paranoia that follows.

which brings me back to horror.

i was a huge fan of internet horror in the mid-2010s and now that analog/found footage horror is at an all time peak (tma, the mandela catalogue, backrooms, the lucids, even the scp lore) i find myself wanting to get back into it because at the end of the day, it remains my fave genre even if i don't actively consume it.

but i can't. i can't risk getting triggered. i can't risk going back to the headspace i was in. can't risk the hallucinations or paranoia, but at the same time i want to try. the content and premise and the fandom seem so wonderful and rich and everything i used to love and it's honestly sad when i remember i can't partake in it;///

i would appreciate any and all inputs on this matter since the general consensus on forums seems to be "don't bother/avoid/not worth the risk"

sorry about the rant but please do share your thoughts!

[girlcalledwhatsername]

Not a whole thought if you're willing to entertain it here, but we just wish people would be openly and loudly supportive of our endogenicity re: plurality because, like, we can keep ourselves going usually but sometimes it gets to us that even the more understanding allies will be very quiet about it. :(

Not sure if this deserves a whole explanation on our own blog, but it's not quite something we can just Not Say either, and your blog also fits? Why are people loud about everything but inlcusys stuff (if we can be incredibly crass and oversimplify for a bit in our frustration)?

Anywayssss also hello, we hope you're doing okay. :D

Hello! Hope you're doing okay as well

I understand the frustration when it seems that a discussion about something only stays within that particular community, it happens with a lot of disabilities or controversial ideas and it can feel quite alienating, I'm sorry that you're facing this too :(

Idk if you're actually looking for some kind of explanation or if you just wished to vent but if it was the latter I apologise

I think for one, DID is not often discussed in the mainstream that much. I can't speak for how it is offline in western spaces, but at least here the awareness is very very vague even with those who are in mental health advocacy circles. People started calling it DID instead of MPD only recently. I myself hadn't heard the terms like systems and endogenic/traumagenic till I saw them on Tumblr, and from what I can tell from when I looked them up back then, all the sources on it also seem to be independently published by people within these communities themselves, so the discussion hasn't quite breached the mainstream yet. Hopefully that part at least will be rectified in time.

As for within online spaces, when I came on here and heard these many terms i didn't understand I too was overwhelmed and confused by it, took some time to read enough to understand it. Honestly from the kind of understanding I had of DID, I always assumed some people are gonna be that way just because and some are gonna develop these personalities because of specific events. Much like most human differences or neurodivergence.

One thing I do want to bring up about more talked about ideas around DID and even how it's represented is how it is seen as inherently unhealthy and something to be "cured" as these differences often are. I personally believe anything that isn't causing distress, even if it's a "symptom", doesn't need to be changed in any capacity, it's a similar reaction that people often have to hallucinations that aren't necessarily distressing where just because it's different it must be unhealthy and needs to go away at any cost. And i think these notions being internalised is where a lot of this refusal to accept what I understand endogenic systems to be comes from. Because people can't handle someone being at peace with their differences, doing it the "wrong way", even if the person themself has no issue with the way DID is manifesting for them personally.

I'll confess that I keep putting off thinking about my own plurality like I used to do with my gender, and a big part of that is how I'm still quite intimidated by labels and terminology, it's not affecting me badly so I just brush it aside to be understood another day. And I've never found someone with more experience to talk it through with either.

So I genuinely believe that by and by the discourse will breach containment so to speak and get talked about more. Again, i can't speak for how it is in other regions but the terminology is probably new to a lot of people who will understand it by and by. It's gonna take time but we'll get there, and in the meantime, if you ever want to talk about this stuff my messages are always open ❤️