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Jax x Ragatha: The snake and the water spring
The Amazing Digital Circus AU: Oasis.
Author's note: I found this show by chance and I took a great liking to it! So now I did a thing, instead of studying for upcoming exams, because I love making things difficult for myself, apparently.
I have no idea what the fandom is like, but I'm playing it safe just to be... well... safe. I just loved the concept of this show so much that I couldn't help but be inspired by it! It got me thinking and I let it all out in this... thing.
I want to write more one-shot fics about the other characters and how they fit into this au too, but I don't know when I'll be able to.
WARNING! None of these characters are mine and everything mentioned and described is purely made-up fiction; inspired by works that are not my own. Nothing should be considered canon or taken seriously - we are all here to have some harmless fun! No age restrictions. I think this might be appropriate for all ages...?
Please show some love and support for Gooseworx; the creator of The Amazing Digital Circus!
I definitely butchered Gooseworx's characters by adding unnecessary 'relationship dynamics' and deviating from their original personalities. I promise that the actual show and characters are so much better than they are in my false portrayal of them.
SUMMARY:
A fanmade take on the events following Pomni's arrival and after the crew had dinner together. This is focused on Jax's point of view, but still written in the third person.
Jax confronts Ragatha after the pilot episode's 'dinner' and does his best to comfort her in a way that works for them. That's it.
Please enjoy!
THE SNAKE AND THE WATER SPRING
Jax was a desert snake.
Nothing but a cold-blooded pest that lived to find his next meal.
When one is left to die under the scorching sun, you can’t stomp on the sun for creating a desert, but you could stomp on the desert snake if it added to the pain of surviving in said desert. The Digital Realm was nothing but a desert sun – a cage with no exit and an evil with no target.
It was no secret why so many had lost their minds here.
Jax took on the role of being the snake. It was never announced or planned, but it was deemed necessary by all who came to know the realm. The inhabitants of The Amazing Digital Circus craved any sense of control; something they could hold accountable for their torment – something they could punish. A menace, parasite.
Evil with a target: Jax.
It was fun to act out while everybody went about their lives. He could unapologetically be the worst being known to man and thrive on the rage and hatred of all he had affected. If they hated him, he was fulfilling his role perfectly… and that meant they could stay sane and do their parts as he did his. Less people would be lost to insanity… and the group would grow stronger.
Everyone had a role in their system – an oasis was established, with Ragatha as the heart of the oasis; their very own water spring.
But when a new invading creature bursts into the oasis with no knowledge of this system, their system would be doomed. Pomni happened to be that invader. Everyone could collectively, yet silently agree that she was acting by her own careless devices since she arrived a few hours ago. She greedily soaked up their water source and left it barren, dry, and suffering.
Granted, Pomni didn’t know how their oasis worked, but it didn’t change the fact that she disrupted everything by showing up. She would have to catch on quickly and prove herself useful, before anyone else loses their minds.
They lost one of their own already… and they almost lost their beloved Ragatha; Jax’s equal and opposite.
Their precious water source.
Snakes offered venom, while water springs offered hope of life. They all desperately needed Ragatha to survive. While most would assume her to be fine after being fixed by Caine, Jax knew better than that. He saw her reluctantly stand aside Pomni to support her – beautifully acting within her role as she always would, but it was clear that Pomni still didn’t understand how scarce the water was by then. Rags was spread thin enough by handling the extra stress and enduring the continuous pain of being corrupted by the abstraction, but that didn’t stop Pomni from practically having a mental breakdown at the dinner table.
Jax saw that coming from a mile away. Thank goodness he silently took the open seat next to Pomni, silent in his insistence that the ragdoll should keep her distance for the time being. He’d give anything to destroy the little jester for abusing his doll. Ragatha was acting perfectly normal at the time – her masked smile perfectly set on her face – until it was time for them all to retire to their respective bedrooms.
Jax wished that he would’ve just dragged her after him when he booked it from the abstraction earlier today. Pomni would have been the perfect distraction for them to escape and get Caine.
He stood at Ragatha’s door after dinner.
Jax made a point to ring the doorbell this time. Usually, he’d just pluck out a key and saunter in like he owns the place, but with what happened today, he’d make an exception. Everyone has their limit – and someone has already reached their limit today. They couldn’t risk losing another one. Especially not Raggs. They all really needed her.
When she didn’t open, he tried the bell again. Nothing.
Well, time for the key, then.
He shoved his hand down his front pocket and fished out the doll’s room key. The bunny didn’t waste time opening the door. He wanted to see what state the girl was in, despite dreading the possibility of finding an abstracted amalgamation on the other side.
Silence.
Not even a creak was heard from the hallway. The room was lit up as it usually was, so that was a good sign, at least. Jax couldn’t see an obvious black body of eyes – another win. But where was Ragatha? He did see her walk into her room, so she had to be here.
He walked around, keeping his cool, casual composure fixed, despite no one being around. It was effortless at this point. It became a way for him to focus on what he could control in this crazy digital prison; himself.
He couldn’t, however, control his ability to spot a blasted ragdoll, it would seem. He scanned the room again, until his eyes fell on her ¾ bed. Could she-?
The bunny rolled his eyes at himself as he lowered himself onto his knees – maybe he could convince himself that he was not phased by the situation. Bending down, he peered beneath the bed frame.
Jax sighed in exasperation. Or was it relief? Both?
Ragatha was in the state she was in before retiring to her room. No gliching, no extra eyes.
Just Raggs.
She didn’t look good, though. The doll was curled up beneath her bed and blindly staring ahead of her. It didn’t look like she was breathing – not that they needed to anyway, but it was uncanny to see Rags like this. She was their voice of reason. She was a water spring in this desert.
If she dried up, their desert would be doomed.
Jax silently stood up and walked back to the open door again. No need to make a fuss over this. He took hold of the door handle and shut it from the inside. Key in hand, he locked the door and nodded to himself. Ragatha needed a raincloud… and he’d have to fill that role now. It’s the least he could do after leaving her to fend for herself when they found the abstraction today.
Why didn’t she run with him? Why did think she could fix someone whose mind was broken beyond repair? Why didn’t she just leave the rookie as bait?
Because that just wasn’t her role, was it?
If it weren’t for her nature – her role – none of them would have made it this far. It dawned on Jax, once again, how close they were to losing their beloved doll. How close they were to being stuck with an invader who knew nothing about what it took to survive in this hell hole.
Enough.
Back to the bed, crouched down and silent Jax positioned himself to lay down and simply look over the red head from a relative distance. There was enough space for the doll to crawl out of hiding without having to touch him. The bunny still hadn’t said a word. It’d be stupid to talk, and he didn’t feel like making the effort. He just wanted things back to normal again – well… as normal as it could have been.
Now Kaufmo is gone, a new creature was invading their home, tearing it up from the roots and tipping the delicate scales of the balance they worked very hard on creating. All because of a lunatic ringmaster having the bright idea of creating a fake exit-door. Someone better get that jester on a tight leash to get her to fall in line, like the rest of them were forced to.
He knew he, for one, wouldn’t mind roughing her up a bit. It was his specialty – his role. The parasite. The menace. The instigator.
Evil with an actual target.
The sound of shifting and movement had Jax blink out of his own head. Ragatha was slowly and dumbly making her way out from under her bed. Her eyes were still fogged over and her face still eerily blank, but at least she came out of hiding out of her own will. In a matter of seconds, the doll was out from her hiding place and settled on the floor beside Jax. She was staring him in the eyes now, waiting for the bunny, silently pleading.
Jax hadn’t had his aloof-douchebag persona engaged since he locked Ragatha���s door. She didn’t need a menace now – she needed to be grounded; revitalized. She needed a dark raincloud to fill up the water spring they all needed.
He didn’t look forward to what needed to be done, but he wouldn’t allow anyone else to do it.
He moved to stand up and held out a hand to help her up. He took note of the way her hand was shaking when she took his and gently guided her to the bed. The red head was the first to sit, then moved to lay down on her back and numbly stare at the ceiling. With a deep breath, Jax gathered himself mentally and cautiously crept onto the bed and positioned himself to briefly hover over her, before lowering his full weight onto Ragatha.
He had his head in the crook of her neck, on the left shoulder with his ears folding back to floppily droop to his upper back… with his left hand resting on the opposite shoulder. His body, although slim, enveloped hers and caused her to sink slightly into the mattress. His legs just loosely laid over and aside the ragdoll’s. It was more important to have his weight resting on her torso anyway.
For a long moment, they just motionlessly laid on the bed like this. To an outsider, it would look like they fell asleep atop each other or simply cuddled together very closely.
An outsider wouldn’t see that Jax was focused on the slow process of Ragatha’s body relaxing under his weight and her breathing slowing to a regular rhythm. An outsider wouldn’t have known that this was hardly the first time they’d done this – how long it took Jax to learn that this make-shift deep-pressure therapy was the most effective grounding technique for Ragatha to collect herself again.
They wouldn’t understand that Jax didn’t do this out of wanting to, but rather out of necessity.
Jax didn’t like to be touched. If anything, he was very capable of merely tolerating it. Everyone in the circus knew that he was touch-averse; some even used that as leverage to mess with him if the situation called for it. It was a necessity that he endured to keep his doll sane – to keep anyone of importance here in the circus, sane. Their whole lives revolved around mental strength. It was all just a matter of staying sane.
The laid there for what felt like a lifetime.
Slight shifting beside Jax alerted him that the doll was moving her arms – previously stiffly pinned to her sides. This was good, she felt comfortable enough to move around now!
Her left hand gently snaked up to the bunny’s head and slowly, softly petted his ears in a longitude motion. Her right hand wrapped loosely around his middle-to-lower back – motionless. This was bad, Jax did not like being touched like that!
While he was fine with the rhythmic touches of Ragatha’s left hand, he despised the idle position of the right hand resting on his back. He couldn’t prevent himself from tensing up in discomfort.
Bad touch, bad touch, bad-
This caused the ragdoll to tense up and rip her hands off him as if he burned her.
Oh no you don’t! We are not starting all over again.
He slowly pulls away and propped up unto his elbows, hearing Ragatha’s breathing pick up as she presumably spirals into her own thoughts on how he was going to leave her like this. Jax cast down a disapproving look. He broke his gaze to unceremoniously take her right hand – now clutched close to her chest – and intertwined their fingers, before resting his head on her left shoulder once again. He close eyes as he use his free hand to put her left hand on his head again, waiting for her to resume her petting.
Good touch; this was a good touch. Please understand.
Thankfully, Ragatha relaxed… and continued her previous slow, rhythmic motions. Slowly, Jax felt her relax once again and he indulged into her need for touch by stroking his thumb over hers occasionally.
Soon they fell into a rhythm; Ragatha would pet Jax’s ears 3 times, then it was his turn to stroke his thumb over hers. Then they would repeat the routine. This also helped Jax cope with the touching; the routine. The rhythm.
It felt like hours ticked by as the two just practiced their little unspoken routine. Jax grew used to it after a while, almost forgetting that his new mattress was now a sentient ragdoll and completely tuned into their rhythm of touches.
Pet… pet… pet… thumb. Pet… pet… pet… thumb.
Jax didn’t like touch, but he loved routine.
The doll and the bunny’s time together, once nothing but grounding techniques, grew to become an intimate exchange of touches and caresses – all wrapped in a routine, like a dance. Jax felt warm and fuzzy inside; for once he basked in the moment of enjoying his dolly. He lazily wondered if Ragatha felt the same. He shifted his head to look at her.
The doll looked down to meet his eyes when she felt him move. He could swear that she looked at peace, basking in the bliss of their closeness. For some reason, she looked like an angel. They all saw her as their angel. Had he successfully pinned a heavenly body beneath him?
Her gentle, longing gaze made a kaleidoscope of butterflies erupt from his core.
This wasn’t the first time this feeling invaded his being when they did this – as rare as these moments were. He wasn’t sure when he started experiencing such feelings during these rare encounters, but as months crawled by, he felt drawn to his dolly more and more. Based on how she looked at him, he could only assume that she felt it too.
Something so foreign, yet so familiar.
He didn’t fail to spot the warmth rushing to her cheeks when their eyes met. She looked so ethereal beneath him, especially when her breathing picked up under his firm gaze. Her lips were parted, and her eyes were lidded. This time, it wasn’t fear or overstimulation. It was anticipation. It was desire.
Jax internally flinched at the tingly sensation when he smoothly burrowed his face into Ragatha’s neck. She shivered at the breath he let out against her skin. He could tolerate the touching a little longer, as long as he could see her crumble again. He wanted to see her walls crumble again.
“Jax- ”
Oh… he had to hear her again. More clearly, next time. This was torture, but she made him into her own personal masochist. His skin crawled at the sensation of her skin shivering against him, but he needed more. He could take it. Just a little longer – he just had to stand these sensations a little longer. He looked at her again.
Ragatha was reverting to a helpless puddle. The doll’s arms were gripping at the covers beneath her, successfully eliminating the bother of excessive contact that he despised. Jax didn’t know if she did it with that intension or without thinking, but either way, he was thankful. He really wanted more.
Why couldn’t he just be normal?
He lifted onto his elbows again and – dare one say – lovingly looked at her face. She could only peek back at him, breathing slightly faster than usual. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shaky hand rise from the covers and hover next to his cheek, while her eyes pleaded for his mercy. He hesitated but bit the bullet to comply; leaning into her touch while desperately trying to ignore the odd tingles. Jax convinced himself to kiss her wrist and drowned himself in the pleasure of hearing her softly call his name.
He only heard it because he was listening so closely for it.
Yes.
DING DONG
In a flash, Jax braced himself up into a crouch and slammed his foot down with a mighty THUMP upon hearing Ragatha startle into a fit when the doorbell chimed. His hair on his back stood on end and his claws ripped through his gloves, leaving gouges in the covers beside the doll’s head.
His precious doll was disturbed again!
He heard her soft cry of fear and his blood boiled with a thirst for vengeance. Only he can make her cry out. He’ll skin the soul that dared to-
“Ragatha…? Can we talk?”
That DAMN jester!
“Jax?” a quiet voice trembled in his ear from beneath him. Jax stopped glaring at the door to softly glance down and see what his little doll wanted.
“Don’t…” Raggs sounded like she was begging while being held at gunpoint, whispering despite their rooms being enchanted to not hear anything from the outside when the door is shut.
Jax wouldn’t dare let that thing inside. Raggs was upset enough as it is.
“Look, I know it probably wouldn’t make a difference…” Pomni’s voice came from the other side door again, “…but I’m so sorry for running off… Again… I saw that exit and I had to see if it was real. No one else believed me and I started to think that I was losing my mind. You understand that, right?”
Jax placed both his hands down on the mattress, blocking the doll’s view of the door as if it could block the sound of the voice from reaching the Raggs’s ears, still hovering over her. He knew that his dolly didn’t want to hear anything the harlequin had to say now – he had half the mind to get up and bash the newbie’s head in.
“I hope we can talk about this some time. You are probably tired after such a long, crazy day.” Pomni’s voice died down near the end, “It feels like you’re the only good person here.”
She really is, but she’s too good for you. Selfish leech.
Jax looks down to the girl, still stiff as a board beneath him. Her eye was shiny with the swell of tears. He melted at the sight – anger simmering down. She was just a sweet little rag dolly, she didn’t deserve any of this, but oh, he was so happy to see Ragatha finally emote something again. She was OK again. Their water source was filled once again, now threatening to spill over. He’d happily welcome the flood.
He needed her.
The sound of fading footsteps causes Jax to rip his eyes to the direction of the door. His hearing was better than the dolls, probably thanks to being a rabbit.
Good riddance.
Ragatha seemed to relax at the sight of Jax deflating his stance, reading that Pomni probably left her door. She hesitantly reached up to cup Jax’s cheek. Jax followed her hand’s motion and scoffed, cringing at the invasion. He’s had enough touching for a week. It sucked to leave his doll so soon after being distressed again, but he couldn’t bring himself stand any more of this. He quickly got up and smoothed out his clothes, but not without missing the flash of hurt in the doll’s eyes. He felt bad, but he had to be strong with the new girl around, so straining himself now would only make matters worse and mess up the whole system.
Still, seemingly bored, Jax stood in his spot while rocking on his heels and looking off to the side, only sparing her a glance. Raggs sat up by then. She looked a little worse for wear, but it’s an improvement from hiding under her bed. She rested her elbows on her knees with her chin in her hands. The hurt in her eyes was long gone, but she looked tired. Poor thing, Jax shared the sentiment.
He felt her eye bore into the side of his face and the bunny couldn’t stop himself before he rolled his eyes and looked to her again. He could’ve choked on air when he saw her face, but the years of steeling his demeanor left no trace of his inner turmoil.
Raggs sported that longing look in her eyes again.
They were so close this time – closer than they’ve ever been before. Each time they spent together on nights like this, although few and far between, they grew closer… and hungrier. Neither understood what it was, but they never had the chance to just collapse into it, tonight being the closest to that.
But there was always something, right?
Jax allowed gaze to soften. His doll offered a small smile that almost ripped his heart out if his chest. It was drenched with melancholy of something she knew they could never have.
Because their roles in their little ecosystem didn’t allow for it to ever be theirs. It would never work.
This was survival.
The rabbit steeled his demeanor once again, but this time, his doll’s face didn’t fall.
Good, as it should be.
Jax walked to the door and fished out the key from his front pocket. He didn’t bother looking back. If he did, he wouldn’t have the will to leave anymore. When he opened the door, though, he couldn’t help but mumble out teasingly.
“See yah later, Doll~!”
He wished that he could shout his affections for her out into the void instead.
“I’m not your doll.” Ragatha responded, voice still wobbly and tired, but perky regardless. She knew just how to indulge him.
Yes, she is… she always will be.
Fanart: Evil with a target
Oasis: TADC AU list
Masterlist
#the amazing digital circus#fanfiction#tadc fanfiction#tadc jax#tadc ragatha#jax x ragatha#bad analogies#tadc oasis au#oasis#mutual pining#angst and fluff#soft jax#touch averse jax#deep pressure therapy#aggressive cuddling#psychiatric episode#unhealthy coping mechanisms#healthy coping mechanisms#Jax has one line of dialogue#jax hates pomni#ragatha is trying her best#everyone is traumatized#yeehaw new fandom#i cant tag#tadc pomni#animal instincts#gooseworx
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No cause it's not funny at all when perisex trans ppl pretend to be intersex to "avoid trouble".
Being visibly intersex didn't protect me from trouble when I was 5 years old. It brought me trouble. I was 5 years old and people already made unwarranted comments about my lack of easily gendered features. I was never allowed to exist without my gender and sex characteristics being interrogated and punished repeatedly.
You're not protecting yourselves at all. Those who hate trans people hate us for not existing within their narrow scope of gender and sex. Intersex ppl have to face this from birth. I would know, man, I'm literally both.
If people are willing to call a child a "eunuch" and physically grope them as an act of public humiliation because they're intersex, as was done to me... Do you seriously think you're doing something by pretending? You're making things worse for yourself and for me. Stop it. I'm sick and tired.
And using intersexist terms while doing it, too, like "hormonal disorder/deficiency"... I'm not disordered or deficient for having a different body than you. Go directly in the bin if you think that's an okay thing to say.
I'm so tired of it. You don't understand. The violence inflicted on my body has happened since before I was old enough to know what my body parts were all called. You have no idea. You really, truly don't understand how exhausting it is. I'm not outraged anymore, not even upset. I'm just tired and want it to stop.
I want people to stop exploiting my body and I don't think that's too much to ask. Especially of other trans people who are supposed to hold community with me. The fact that other trans people are openly flaunting the fact they exploit bodies like mine for their own gain makes me want to throw up. You people are foul.
#intersex#intersexism#trans#yes I'm angry. Because I have been seeing intersexist bias in action in my own local trans community#And it sent one of my closest intersex companions into a severe psychiatric episode#Because people were using her 'masculine features' to paint them as violent and scary. And trying to ruin their career#An entire targeted harassment campaign trying to destroy my close friends livelihood#And they've turned on me for actually listening to him and making sure they were alive and well. This is the price we pay for having bodies#We fear for our lives and prospects because someone who doesn't like us can simply use our bodies as an excuse#To treat us like monsters who aren't capable of reason or emotion
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Patalliro! is fascinating to me because of stuff like this. It's unapologetically gay - even within its anime which aired during primetime hours in 1982 - in a way that many later BL manga would never be, like the ones from the early 2000s which would never dare to call their characters actual homosexuals. Patalliro has actually aged quite well in this regard, there's something comforting about how campy it is.
#i still dont really understand how they got away with this kind of thing honestly#female VAs i get that - but first m/m kiss in an anime in episode THREE?????#theres also the maraich/thomas episode where they are *Both* voiced by women....advanced yuri#patalliro#i love how bancorans gender expression is pretty much explicitly to attract only bishounen#you blushed - so you must not be a girl#etc#i also love how joyful it all is#theres never anything sad or tragic about being gay - only that bancoran is forced to kill the bishounen spies/assassins/etc#when bancoran finds out that gay sex feels good after demian; in the manga he is elated. its basically a positive thing#he awakens to his true power...lol#also notable is that while bishounen youth is glorified maraich is 18#this means it portrays being gay as an adult as normal; not a phase relegated to nostalgic adolescent periods of time#according to the NYT japan's psychiatric body called homosexuality a mental illness until 1995#im NOT going to say patalliro changed that or anything lmao but its just significant to me that banmara get to live their lives happily#even raise children together in the manga....???#especially contrasting that with kaze to ki no uta and other manga of the time (no shade intended)#yaoi#<- for tagging purposes#obviously it also got away with a lot by being a gag manga. but still!#months later edit: want to say im not intending to moralize BL manga from the 2000s either. like gen. no hate on them.#as a gay person i just appreciate when characters who act gay are considered gay textually#and its kind of disheartening how gay-as-identity was treated as something incredulous in those manga a lot of the time#even the mere suggestion of attraction to men as a whole and not just the other male lead...yknow#this post is meant to praise patalliro for being unique in its approach to gay content compared to other titles#ive enjoyed plenty of 2000s yaoi titles despite their shortcomings lol#joseiposting#shoujo
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post depressive episode clarity like what the fuck do you mean they'll never disappear, just fade.
#mine#tw: sh#i'll be a 30yo woman a 40yo woman a 50yo woman a 60yo woman and someday an old woman with SCARS ON MY ENTIRE LEGS?? like forever????#and i KNOW i broke through enough skin layers for these to never heal entirely like catscratches do#forever? for real? like the rest of my days? i'm never gonna have a healthy clean body like everyone else ever again?#it's THAT easy to just throw it away forever in a second?#i'm gonna be sick#what the fuck man#like both shoulders both thighs both calves entirely ruined#what the actual. fuck.#FUCK.#the awful part of the last year is over thank god#it was an episode lasting from like idk january until#august maybe#i think i'm finally feeling better#but i was really looking into legal psychiatric euthanasia there. drafting my fucking mail to the Dying With Dignity type companies#cause i went to a shrink who told me that i have bpd and while i didn't believe him#fact of the matter is that in some eu countries you're allowed to get euthanized for that. so .#but that doesn't matter i'm a bit better now i'm not thinking about it as much anymore#but it sickens me that#not only do i have to fucking take it alone#but i also have to deal with a lifetime of ridicule disgust “turn off” and pity afterwards#my own best friend told me to make sure to cover up when we slept at a relative's#and i felt it was ridiculous that anyone could even judge me negatively based on the scars when it's me who had to deal with this shit#not them!! and clearly it wasn't fucking easy!!! like if anyone it's not you who's getting hurt from this!!!!!!#i asked her whether she would ever be thrown off by seeing healed scars#and in the coldest tone she replied 'No but I would not know how to explain that to my kids.'#the relatives did not. in fact. have kids.
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tw sui ideation
elliot version
psychiatric hospital got me even more su|c|dal
elliot version
#tw sucidal ideation#tw sui ideation#psychotic episode#psychiatric hospital#hospitalisation#schizophrenia#actually schizophrenic#c ptsd#actually cptsd#elliot alderson#mr robot#darlene alderson#i just want to leave#and finally rest forever#depression#mental illness#depressing shit#i hate my brain
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not to bipolarpost on the art blog but
it is really interesting to me how for as much as I Feel very artistically motivated when hypomanic I find it incredibly difficult to Execute anything that's in my head, digitally at least. I have all these ideas and the moment I go to pin them down they're too weaselly and loose, like trying to get a good grip on some jello. I can do traditional art no problem but digital stuff, not so much, which is why my last 2 posts have just been doodles, this is fine by me im not pressuring myself I just find it interesting. I've always had an easier time sitting down to make art when depressed which sounds great on paper but it's because I just do nothing else. not eating nor sleeping barely using the bathroom and such etc. since going on lamictal I've had a lot less of a struggle with depression which is fandamntastic but it's a little sad, sometimes, to think of how much art I "lose" by being healthy. arguably you can't lose what doesn't exist but y'know what I mean, right? but maybe if I can get the hypomania wrangled, I can channel it into making more art, more illustrations i mean. I think the animatic I did was thanks to hypomania, so clearly I can do these loose sketches no problem, it's just buckling down to do detailed work that becomes impossible, because every 10 or so minutes I Need to go be doing something elee—usually pacing aimlessly, though sometimes i get sucked into social media or just abruptly derealize. I've tried a lot of different tactics and workarounds and they've just slowly lost effectiveness so after my top surgery in July my psych wants to put me on benzos for it. maybe that'll help?¿ I'm hoping so. since my dx isn't "official" (in order to avoid the lovely Florida ableism machine that is our healthcare system) I can't get on antipsychotics or anything for it, so if that doesn't work, it forces my hand. besides that, really, I won't be able to afford medications once I get booted off my insurance at 26, so I suppose I should probably start working more on wrangling things without meds.... and I'm hoping art can help with that but I may be making more personal art about it perhaps .... I'll be reblogging it here probably. alright I'm going the fuck to bed now it's past 1am
#im p sure im having a mixed episode atm cause shits been weird. im okay though just aware of it#rambles.txt#delete later#reply commentary is welcome on this one I don't talk much about being bipolar but. i am!#as much as i believe in Any psychiatric label anyways
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the way proper subs aren't even out for some of y'all and you're already talking sh*t on MDL about whatever decision Gil Chae makes in ep 9 based on the comments of those who watched it without subs......... i can smell the misogyny from here
#tv: my dearest#my dearest#mbc my dearest#namgoong min#nam goong min#ahn eun jin#kdrama#local gay watches My Dearest (and is subsequently f*cked up).txt#local gay watches k-dramas.txt#look i still haven't seen the episode but#wow ok maybe we shouldn't be literally slandering her rn especially since yk. she has to f*cking survive#my concern is the rumors of the ep 10 preview with Ryang Eum THAT is what has my stomach in a knot#if by the way they're talking it's more of an 'oh you're f*cked' thing and not a repeat of the scene in the marketplace with the#dagger attempt then we have to worry. this is My Dearest y'all came in expecting angst and you're mad now. aight#i'm still breaking into their house if anything happens to my gay son in the last ep of part one that does not include#him possibly being the psychiatric patient we saw in the first ep. i can live with that. i can't live with some of the other options#(local gay says as they already open up the notes app and start writing about said preview that they also have not seen)
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classic comedy 👏👏👏
#5x11 spn#i find it veeery funny#dean winchester#(doesnt have any elephant books 😞)#this episode had thee most bizarre portrayal of a psychiatric hospital but this was funny#angrelrot#spn#babarnatural
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Whenever I see the official art of Kian Stone and I'm that image of the guy digging their nails into his legs. "Why does Kian have abs." YOU FUCKING KNOW WHY..... When ppl say 'I know what you are' like yeah she's queer, but when *I* say 'I know what you are' I'm clocking her mental illnesses.
#📚 my posts#📌 thoughts#cw ed#cw ed mention#whenever i see her i go 'fucking hell please please seek psychiatric help. oh you did? of course u would'#am i allowed to say 'girl eat hamburger' if ive been thru that shit myself? becuz i think its funny#babygirl eat hamburger. life is too short for this bullshit#<- direct quote from rand probably#i bet rolan devours hamburgers like twili sparkle in that one episode#sorry this is getting off topic
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If I'll take my bipolar medication, and use it to trigger mania, will it become manication, or...?
(I'll see myself out.)
#bipolar disorder#manic depression#manic episode#mania#bipolar mania#mental health#actually bipolar#mental illness#bipolar#psychiatric medication#bipolar thoughts
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everybody got to watch succession season 1-3 as it aired and witness bonkers television history together while i was too busy trying for the 19th time to get past the second hand embarrassment of season 1 episode 1 for 5 years
#oh you got to witness ‘my number one boy’ live? pusillanimous fools gold? kenshiv hug in saferoom? the press conference?#’dad just tell them its gonna be me’?#you got see ‘hey are you queer’ live? good for you.#its whatever#its like. fine tho.#the only reason i ever actually ended up Finally watching the whole show this year was because i had the genius idea to just skip episode 1#and start at episode 2#which turned out to be literally. one of my all time favorite episodes.#but its fine. like it’s totally fine i dont even care.#just the same way that i totally dont. even. care. that i watched connor’s wedding 2 days late.#its Fine.#<<<< girl who has psychiatric levels of fomo#esp s3 cuz i was THERE. but i still couldnt get past ep1#m
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don t come near me with that ssri shit
#ssris are an ongoing pratical joke on the mentally ill by healthcare providers#ssris work for approximately seven people worldwide#and also they can make you die and make your dick/pussy stop working (occasionally permanently!)#and most commonly and notably if you prescribe them to basically anyone who doesnt have the precise chemical dysfunction that they target#it will actively crash their mental state. they can trigger bipolar and psychotic episodes in people already susceptible.#they have a very high voluntary cessation rate because they don't fucking work for most people and they have awful side effects#it is fucking insane that they are STILL the first resort go-to psychiatric medications for anyone coming in with mental health issues#for most doctors anyway#we literally have better safer and more versatile meds on the market right now as we speak
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wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone
#ray txt#well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring#short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings#eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some#disease or illness and that I was gonna die#if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit#chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe#random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso#random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression#anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in#psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists#they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now)#and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are#perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit#so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up#andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now#wait but that's not the end of it!#the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal#that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever#i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications#turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned#this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again#and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it#Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken#he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and#none of it working out#I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question#although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out#really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being#experimented on
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i hope vice versa writer's took a big dose of their favourite crack before writing for ourskyy 2 because i need even higher level of derangement
LITERALLY COULD NOT AGREE WITH YOU MORE ANON I NEED THE SAME AMOUNT OF DERANGEMENT THEY PUT IN 12 EPISODES OF THE SHOW CONDENSED IN THE 2 WE'RE GETTING IN OUR SKYY EXCEPT EVEN WORSE (READ: BETTER)
like if we don't get at least 3 different implications of puen eating talay out on a daily basis, cheesy puns like carbo-narak, talay teasing puen by purposely turning him on just to leave him there with blue balls because they have to go to work, their wedding, hints of food kink, the two of them going shopping to ikea and turning their new apartment into a pink dreamland, clingy and pouty puen begging talay for kisses and cuddles and sex, slow dancing, manhandling, and even more bathtub time together THEN WHAT IS THE POINT
#okay tbh im gonna be fine with anything as long as they come back to us and the writers don't pull some nonsensical and unnecessary angst#but also i do hope it's gonna be so deranged it will make me need a whole new level of psychiatric care#me seeing the first pics of the our skyy episodes for the eclipse: imagine when we're gonna get the first ones for vice versa#[needs to be sedated immediately]#vice versa#m: ask
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I have to find another horror podcast to hyperfixate on, do yall know anything similar to ogoa or twv?
#ive already listened to uhhh#tma and quiet part loud and tunnels#i started alice isnt dead but it wasnt my cup of tea#i listened to the first episode of i am in eskew but i understood shit???#and sometimes i listen to shows like disturbed or LNM or TNSP but id like something w a bit more plot#oh and lore! lore was my first horror podcast#a few others more that i liked but i cant remember the names#that one abt a girl following tapes that eventually got a show and uhhh one abt a psychiatric where they experimented on the patients iirc?
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vertical nystagmus gang anyone
#tt#i knew my left eyelids had really bad episodes of twitching bc i could feel them#n thats been happening for years and yesterday a coworker told me that#my left eyeball flicks up and down really fast at the same time#thought it was bc of being on the same psychiatric meds for almost a decade now (tardive dyskinesia happened to my friend) but#after looking into it it MAY be because of my previous bad ambien abuse lol…#my eyes are so sensitive to light now too i gotta keep my phone and laptop on like 20% or i die. and fuck the sun
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