#promised myself I would do more posts in portuguese

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Ainda estou surpreso que tem pessoas chocadas que o José de Alencar era um racistinha pró escravidão. Tipo óbvio. Tu já leu um livro dele? Eu já (infelizment). Impossível ver como ele tratava de indígenas nos livros deles e a super luz positiva nos latifundiários e achar qualquer outra coisa.

P.S: Ele também era extremamente machista nos livros e honestamente eu pessoalmente acho ele um escritor péssimo, os livros dele não me prendem de forma alguma, mas mais que isso são dolorosos de ler - principalmente pelo mencionado acima machismo e racismo, mas em menor grau porque a escrita dele é bem macante (e eu digo isso como alguém que normalmente gosta de livros muito verbosos).

PS. 2: Eu sou Alencar hater desde os 12 anos. Nunca fui a criança que odiava as leituras obrigatórias da escola, na real amei todas MENOS o Guarani (Iracema eu só li resumo porque me recusei a passar por Alencar de novo). Na real o Guarani foi o primeiro livro que eu odiei na vida. Genuinamente me forcei a terminar tremendo de raiva e surpresisssimo que era possível não gostar de um livro.

[Translation: I am shocked there are ppl genunally surprised that José de Alencar was a pro slavery racist. Like duh. Have you ever read one of his books, because I (unfortunally) did. It's impossible to see the way he depited indigenous people in his work and the super positive depition of rural landlords and think anything else.

P.S: His books are also very sexist and, I, in particular also find them just bad as books, they are deeply boring and I found them painfull to read - mostly because of the aforementioned sexism and racism, but in a smaller level because his writing is just not good (and i say that as someone that likes purple prose).

P.S 2: I'm an Alencar hater since I was 12. I was never the kid that disliked the school mandatory readings. In fact I loved them EXCEPT O Guarani (I only read a summary of Iracema because I refused to endure Alencar a second time). In fact O Guarani was the first book I hated in my whole life. Genuinally had to force myself to finish it, trembling, in pure anger, while shocked that hating a book was actually possible. ]

[multifandomfanfic]

you should totally do a messi x daughter fanfic. One where she is in a relationship with Kylian Mbappe’s brother, Ethan Mbappe.

I love you writing btw. it’s awesome. Keep the good work!

A/N: So about this request--seeing as Ethan Mbappe is underage, I'm uncomfortable writing something for him. I'll do the fic with Kylian Mbappe instead, but I'm sorry, I won't do Ethan seeing as he's 16 and barely even legal in France.

I also combined it with this request: "will u make a fan fiction about Messi x daughter in which the daughter is an actress and they all go to a, premiere or an award show where she is nominated (and she wins), with her. Also an after party part will be good!"

Face claim for most photos: Haley Lu Richardson

Messi x daughter!actress!reader (also Mbappe x reader)

yourusername

liked by leomessi, sydney_sweeney, dannyramirez, and 3,328,498 others

yourusername: tiempo familiar, pt. 1

monicabarbaro: this movie better be good if you dyed your hair for it 😭

yourusername: i promise its worth the wait!! chrishemsworth: I can attest to that!

leomessi: Te ves hermosa, cariño! (translated from Spanish: "You look beautiful, sweetie!")

comment liked by antonelaroccuzzo and yourusername yourusername: gracias papa🥺 antonelaroccuzzo: 💕💕💕

neymarjr: obrigado por vir ao jogo, y/n, foi bom ver você de novo! (translated from Portuguese: "thanks for coming to the match, y/n, it was good to see you again!")

yourusername: you too! ❤️ user307: 👀

fanaccount1: how is she so pretty as a blonde and brunette???? she's so lucky

user203: she's literally anto roccuzzo's daughter be fr

user892: my favorite nepo baby

yourusername added to their story

celebritygossip

liked by pierregasly, ethanmbappe, and 837,238 others

celebritygossip: The first photo was posted on @yourusername;s story yesterday morning. The second one was posted by @k.mbappe just hours afterwards. Coincidence? We think not.

user487: i'm not sold at all but i'm glad it's not (possibly) neymar. i was not for the whole age-gap, dad's best friend thing.

fanaccount2: Totally agree. user008: me three, but we really shouldn't have any opinions on who y/n dates. we don't know her. fanaccount3: no one asked you to act all high and mighty.

user918: Y/N could have any man in the world and she choses someone who looks like a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

fanaccount4: She said we'll find out eventually, maybe this is it??

user773: i don't think she meant some random gossip account 'connecting the dots.' we still have to wait

yourusername

liked by leomessi, k.mbappe, glenpowell, and 2,385,019 others

yourusername: "Figures and Strangers" has officially ended production. I would like to thank everyone who I've worked with on this project; you have made every moment of this past year special, and I will remember our time together for the rest of my life.

"Figures and Strangers" is about family, love, and perseverance in the midst of hard times. While I may not have had hard times, the other themes of this movie pertained to my life when I auditioned:

Without my family's unwavering support and direction, I would not be where I am today; seriously, without my father, I wouldn't have been tipped off about Spielberg shooting his first film in Paris, and I would not be typing this today.

A year ago, I had gone on one date with the man I now call my love. Since that day, he has been with me through thick and thin: from nights spent crying over hard-to-memorize lines, to entire weeks when I was hardly home. He saw me through my highs in lows, through enjoying life then doubting every choice I've ever made. Honestly, I believe he's more love and understanding than man. I would have never known the man my father introduced me to would be such a blessing, but I am so glad to call him mine.

And, finally, perseverance: when I heard about this movie, I was still struggling with the notion that all I would ever be was my dad's child. I love my dad with all my heart and all my soul, but seeing myself called "Lionel Messi's daughter" instead of "Y/N Messi" in headlines about my own accomplishments damaged my self-esteem (not to mention all the "nepo baby" comments--yes, I read all of those). Yet, all of this motivated me to work even harder and persevere, as my character in "Figures and Strangers" does. I am glad to say that I am happy with where I stand right now, and I have made myself proud.

Anyways, to wrap this up, I'll quote the ever so wise Winnie the Pooh by saying how lucky I am having something that makes saying goodbye so hard. I am eternally grateful for everything that has happened in the past year because of "Figures and Strangers," and how it has transformed me as a person.

Thank you all again, and I'll see you in the movies.

~ Y/N Messi

leomessi: También nos has hecho sentir orgullosas, Y/N. (translated from Spanish: "You have also made us proud, Y/N.")

yourusername: muchas gracias, papá. te amo más de lo que sabes. ("thank you very much, dad. i love you more than you know.") comment liked by leomessi and antonellaroccuzzo

zoeisabellakravitz: Best Actress nom when

evanpetes: can't wait to see it!

psg: All of us are so happy for you!

comment liked by yourusername, k.mbappe, neymarjr, and leomessi

masonmount: seriously, y/n, congrats on everything. you deserve all the awards.

yourusername: ❤️❤️❤️ fanaccount5: guys???

k.mbappe

liked by celebritygossip, yourusername, chloegmoretz, and 3,389,291 others

k.mbappe: 🖤🤍

tagged: yourusername

chrishemsworth: Had a fun premiere with you both! Here's to more success yet to come!

comment liked by anyataylorjoy, jayrellis, and k.mbappe yourusername: you too!!

antonelaroccuzzo: You look stunning, sweetie 💕

yourusername: thank you mom 🥺🥺

fanaccount6: WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH

user940: how did we NOT see this coming it makes so much sense yourusername: i told you you'd find out eventually 😉

fanaccount7: they're so perfect omg????

user038: my wife and husband

leomessi

liked by yourusername, cmpulisic, leonardodicaprio, and 7,289,064 others

leomessi: (translated from Spanish) I couldn't be more proud of my daughter tonight. I remember the little plays you used to put on with your cousins and brothers, and today I watched you walk across the Oscars' stage to accept the Best Actress award. All of your hard work and dedication has paid off, and you've truly made a name for yourself. Congratulations on everything you've done and will accomplish in the future. I love you very much.

tagged: yourusername

yourusername: i'm going to cry dad! i love you too!

antonelaroccuzzo: We're both thrilled for you, Y/N. You've exceeded our expectations and turned into an incredible young woman.

yourusername: thanks mom!

k.mbappe: proud to call you mine💕

comment liked by yourusername leomessi: Take care of her!

yourusername

liked by k.mbappe, keleighteller, antonelaroccuzzo, and 3,510,389 others

yourusername: can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you

tagged: k.mbappe

k.mbappe: mon amour ❤️

leomessi: The best daughter and son-in-law a man could ask for.

comments on this post have been limited

[randomprojectsbeforeidie]

Heyoo, I'm back!

So, before I go on explaining my other goals for the year, let's see what I did about the first goal I explained yesterday:

Goal number 1: study like Wade Watts

The app I use for my reviews is Anki, for Android. It's an authomatized flashcard app, and it's really good to memorize stuff (which I need for my tests to be a public server), if a bit time consuming.

Today I studied: 30 min. This is what I've been trying to do this week, so I can up the time next week. Success!

In my progress to study on at least half of the days of the year, I'm at: 5/184, which amounts to 2.73% of my goal!

Cool!

Now, to the second goal, to fight like a Bene Gesserit. As I said before, I'm obese to the point it's affecting my mobility. I gotta gradually get out of this obese zone so I can safely fight. So, here's my plan: I consulted my nutritionist (dietician? I don't think there's a difference in Portuguese, but I know there's one in English) and he said that, to lose weight in a sustainable way, I should be losing 2kg for month. It's slow, but it's susteinable.

So I set the goal to get to 69kg by the end of this year. Considering I was weighting 85,5kg by the beggining of the year, this is quite possible! It would require me to lose 16kg to get there. It's even lower than 2kg per month!

So I decided to use the method I read about on r/xxfitness (yeah, I use Reddit), which consists in calculatind your TDEE (using Nerd Fitness Calculator) and then subtracting 10% of it to get to your conservative deficit. And then you gotta count calories, which I've being doing using the app "MyFitnessPal".

I also watched a video by ATHLEAN-X in which he made a plan for losing weight gradually. I measured myself (weight, neck, waist, hips) and got my aproximate body fat percentage according to the US Navy Calculator. And then I started my plan.

Right now, I weight 85,5kg, have a neck circunference of 35 cm, a hio circunference of 94 cm and a waist circunference of 118 cm. This amounts to 49,10% of body fat, according to the US Navy Calculator. Cool.

So here are the actions I'll take by this level, which I call Level 1: from 50-45% body fat level:

1. I will not try to modify WHAT I'm eating right now, just HOW MUCH I'm eating. Doing the calculations above, I should eat 1.636 calories for the day. As long as I stay below that, I'll not worry about much at this point.

2. I'll reduce my alcohol and limit myself to drinking at most 2 days a week, and at most 5 drinks per week.

3. I'll take 3 walks per week, for 30 minutes each. This is the funnest part for me. I love walking and hiking, and I just found out about rucking! Which sounds like the perfect training for hikes! Basically, you walk with a weighted backpack on your back. I started with a bit more than 5% of my body weight, or 5 kg of weight.

To expand on this part, I'm a bit of a nerd. So, along with tracking my walks with an app called "MapMyWalk", I've been using another app called "The Walk". It's basically a game/audiobook in which you are a spy (I think?) carrying an important parcel across the UK while running from a terrorist groups. As you walk, you get to check points where you listen to new parts of the story. It's been nice!

(Also, I daydream a lot, and sometimes I've been running my own story in my head where I'm a human in a post-apocalyptic alien world carrying with me a parcel I got from a dying alien who told me that would be the only thing to save his race from extinction, and I promised to get it safely to the others of his species, but it is a long walk, and I gotta keep it safe. Anyways. I do have an overactive imagination sometimes)

I also have been trying stretching. Got the routine from r/Flexibility. Maybe this will stop me from injurying myself.

Oh, and I also made a deal with myself to only weight and measure myself on the first day of each month. I've never had an eating disorder, but I'm terrified of getting them, and I'm hoping this will help me track my progress without getting obsessed with my weight.

Anyways! For the tracking:

Number 2: to fight like a Bene Gesserit:

Yesterday I consumed: 1.535/1.636 calories.

Today I rucked: with 5kg on my back for 30 minutes, walking a total of 1,98km.

Today I stretched: my upper limbs.

So that's it for today! See you guys tomorrow!

[fujoreads]

Going through changes

Hello everybody, welcome back! I haven't been active these past few weeks and I apologize. When I started this blog, I wanted to be super productive and do a full review for each single book, but I'm slowly starting to realize that maybe that isn't working.

While the ones I did write were good and I enjoyed writing them, I'm thinking of trying something simpler and more practical for me. Instead of big tasks like full reviews, I will merely have a "reads of the week/month" and a shorter commentary on each title.

I am not sure how to do this yet: on one hand, I would love to do a weekly post updating my readings; on the other hand, I don't want to pressure myself again like I'm used to do. I want reading to flow naturally, and right now, that is working, even if I'm not making an over-the-top progress.

I will try to update the blog every week, but if I can't, I can't. Instead, I will only promise to write the monthly post, so you can see the weekly updates as "bonus content" :p

So, since today is Sunday, let's have a Weekly Update!

I was meaning to review some past reads but at this point, I don't think my memory will make them justice, so I'll include them here.

Past Reads

✦ . 　⁺ 　✦ FICTION ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

She's Too Pretty to Burn by Wendy Heard ⇢ 3.75⭐

Waiting for Ted by Marieke Bigg ⇢ 4⭐

Before the Coffee Gets Cold: Tales from the Café by Toshikazu Kawaguchi ⇢ 3.50⭐

I took a job as a Fire lookout in the middle of the woods, I found a strange set of rules to follow ⇢ 3.50⭐

O Vício dos Livros by Afonso Cruz ⇢ 3.50⭐ // pretty sure this one doesn't have an English translation! He's my favorite Portuguese author :)

A Contradição Humana by Afonso Cruz ⇢ 3.25⭐// another PT read, this one is more of a children's book

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── NON-FICTION ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Não É Só Sangue by Patrícia Lemos ⇢ 3⭐ // another PT read, but this was kinda boring. Maybe I just wasn't too into it?

How to Reduce Your Carbon Footprint by Ellen Tout ⇢ 3.75⭐// It was good, though I will only check on this when I have my own house.

₊˚ ‿︵‿︵‿︵୨୧ VISUAL NOVELS ୨୧‿︵‿︵‿︵ ˚₊

Blood Domination ⇢ 4.25⭐

I Wanna Fuck my Mom's Best Friend ⇢ 3.25⭐// review

Bunny Girl Cumming for my Carrot ⇢ 3.25⭐

Hentai Homewrecker ⇢ 2.75⭐

Cosplay Cumdump: Doing it Doujin Style ⇢ 3.25⭐

Ara Ara Auntie Incest ⇢ 2.50⭐

In a way, some of these titles (the really porny-sounding ones, usually) are for my 'work', but I still want to count them here because they do take time to get through.

Currently Reading

The Unwomanly Face of War by Svetlana Alexiévich {non-fiction, female and soviet POV of the WW2} ⇢ 75% // So far, loving it! It's soul-crushing, though...

What Is to Be Done? by Nikolai Chernyshevsky {fiction, Tsarist Russia; aka the book that inspired Lenin and the Soviet Revolution} ⇢ 33% // I DNF-ed this at some point, but I'm trying to finish it now. It's aight, my hype was waaaaay up there when I bought it.

Sexcalibur: Knights of the Pound Table {VN, smut} // I'm starting this today!

The Fruit of Grisaia {VN} ⇢ 15% // Common route finished, time to go to Michiru's!!

Umineko: When They Cry {VN, big chonker} ⇢ Chapter 6 (75%) // Ugh I stalled this way too much... and it's not even boring!! What am I doing... time to finish this once and for all! At least this sixth chapter, that is.

And that is it! Hopefully you haven't given up on me,,, orz

[rajghafa]

I am so sorry for how much I have talked... anyways... here it is.

thanks for answering and for showing me, I had forgotten about that part and good god it was worse then I remembered lmao. I agree with everything you said and I feel like most of the books are like this to be honest, colleen writes something that it could be just imaturity or maybe irrational ramblings, but then finish at it. as if that is just it. as if she thinks of it this way, that's the only explanation I can think of. Kelsey could have a ableist thinking/perspective and that not be what the authot thinks/agrees with and colleen was just portraying someone who thinks like that? yes absolutely, but that is no coherent at all with what CH presented to us in the prior books so I do not think it is a case where the character says something shitty to reflect people irl, is just shitty writing and thinking.

and as for my opinions, I have many, A LOT. I first read the 2 first books when I was 11, then reread when I was 12 to continue reading and finishing the series. but I don't remember much of all of them except for tiger's dream and I never read tiger's promise because for me it always felt as CH writing something just for the sake of it and not because it was necessary? anyways. I will say what I think based on what I remember, so I might get some things wrong.

first of all, I never reread the series after finishing reading it. I read the book 1, 2 and 3 when I was 11-12 then read the 4 and 5 (tiger's dream) when I was 15. pretty young and I had not yet all the opinions I have now. not that I am 30 something now and have read thousands of books, I just wanna say I was a child when I read it and tho I knew and thought the books were bad I just wanted to have fun and read something that didn't make me think much of it sometimes. so yeah, why I liked it and went as far as reading the 5 books? because I was a child I guess, if it was bad then whatever at least there's some characters I like in here, like a guilty pleasure I think. it's one of those medias that you consume that you KNOW are bad

now, moving on to talk abt the books itselves.

- bad writing: I read the books in my native language (portuguese) and I feel like this might have made the book a little bit better, from what I could see of the englishs quotes you and others posted here on tumblr they managed to make colleen writing look better then it is. it wasn't so simple in portuguese, I mean, I look at this quotes and it feels plain, not compelling, not interesting, just words in a page. but that's not what I remember from when I first read it. I mean, it was not the best thing either, but they at least felt like a story?

anyways, I always thought CH had this horrible habit of making everything too obvious in some chapters and then too complicated on next. and I am not exactly talking about the events happening, but the way she delivered informations too us. she wanted to create a suspense sometimes and I was like girl what are you doing like what is this. it was just NOT it. she wasn't good a creating these vibes she wanted most of the time, because the rest of the book was just us receiving information too easily and obviously for her to make it coherent.

the dialogues were also something I sometimes found bad, too unrealistic, I had to repeat to myself "maybe they're just talking like that because they are ancient or whatever" but then kishan sometimes sounded waaay more normal than his brother and kelsey also said some weird shit sometimes.

like her saying she was a radish. like please. who is the seventeen (I think she was 17 on the first book?) years old who would compare herself with a veggetable to say she found herself ugly and unworthy. really? there were none other analogies to be made? idk it never sounded realistic to me. but kelsey was always "not like other girls" so I guess that was a consequence of that. I know 17 years old are not THE reference to communication but just the fact kelsey sounded so childish sometimes made me so mad, like she is not dumb!!! she is just young, they are not synonyms. she is immature sometimes? that's okay, she is a teenager and everyone has their moments, but her being immature in everything was too much, that made the writing get boring and repetitive and TOO on the nose.

- kelsey: since I started talking about her, let's continue...

kelsey hayes. white. seveenten. orphan. adopted. not like other girls. loves reading. is very ladylike when is convenient to the author.

that is just trashy y/n fanfic from watppad where the protagonist is a cliché.

I have always disliked kelsey, sometimes even hated. also kelsey sounded a bit more interesting when she was talking about something else that had not the minimum relation to her so I that's also something to think about.

but talking abt her personality now - there is none. that was my problem with kelsey, she was the main character and I knew NOTHING about her except she was an orphan and liked/loved ren, liked mr.kadam and considerated him a father and felt whatever she felt for kishan and also liked reading. that was it. nothing more. she was shallow. we only start to see GLIMPSES of a personality and an actual different kelsey (who somehow manages to have the same responses and "personality" throuought all the series even after facing traumatic events) in the 4 and what was to be the last book. that made me mad as hell, like wdym I will only see the mc being "interesting" on the last book??

kelsey was also a dumb girl who made impulse choiced and wanted everyone to be solicit and emphatic with her after. I really don't like her most of the time, there were sometimes where I actually liked her but those were moments when she was in battle or doing something useful because then she'd stop talking shit so that's not much.

also, everyone was in love with her. everyone. EVERYONE. like why. why why why why why. it was casually thrown in every book, everyone loved or fell in love with this blank piece of paper of a girl. and she still talked about herself as a radish, "oh noooo I am soooooo unlikable omggggg no one likes meeeee except the two indians princes fighting for me and also the other five guys hitting on me like ohhh nooooooooooooooooo!"

- dhiren: hate him guts. like even more than kelsey. I really dislike him. hate might be too much, but I really had troubles reading everything kelsey talked about him, so indifference might be the proper word here. I felt indifferent too him. he was a copy and paste dark tall handsome blah blah blah whatever. but my main too problems about him are: it was obviously fetishization and he was too perfect. ren was the sun and the stars. ren was the earth and the sky. ren was a gentleman, but also masculine and dominant and assertive. ren liked shakespeare and was a prince !!! royalty !! yay like fuck off am I supposed to believe he is perfect? he doesn't have any trauma? he is stuck IN A TIGER FORM and he is patient, calm, sweet, gentle, *add here all the words that mean good guy in the dictionaty* ALL THE TIME? 24/7? he never cries, never gets sad, never gets angry, never nothing??? he just is dirhen the perfect barbie made out of plastic prince all the time??

I always felt like santana lopez feels about broody weston. that guy isn't real he is for sure made out of plastic and wax and it freaks me out.

tho I liked when he called kelsey dumb so points for him, someone just had to do it.

and idk how this is even possible, but it feels like ren has even less personality than kelsey. THAN KELSEY HAYES. A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD WHO IS NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!! like tell me what do we know about ren besides what kelsey deems attractive? NOTHING! we know NOTHING. because he has NO OTHER "FUNCTION"/ROLE besides being kelseys romantic interest. "oh he likes shakeaspeare and cookies" KELSEY SAYS THAT! KELSEY who ALSO likes shakeaspeare and cookies, she NOTICES that because she in love with him and will highlight everything they have in common. besides that, ren is just a prince who happens to be cursed and has a estranged relationship with his brother - a brother that for most of the series he showed no love for except for brief moments. (I have a lot to say abt their relationship too and how I think that had potential to be one of the best, if not the best, things in the entire series if it were written good)

- mr kadam: I do agree with your tags, I think he is easily replaced by a computer. but this - like many other things in this series - feels to me like one of the cases where a author who writes badly creates a good character and doesn't give them space to breath. so he is not someone important in a explicit way, he is always acting implicitly, from behind the curtains, and CH expectes us to love him even tho we don't a shit abt what is that he is ACTUALLY doing.

the thing is - I guess I liked him because he was a father figure that stayed by the boys side even after he lost everything, and he cherished them and took care of them not only because of a promise to their fathers, but because he grew to love and consider the boys as family. I like that. I think the idea is great, compelling, but it was developed shitty and mr.kadam feels like just a tool they needed because of 1 he can solve everything we can't 2 he has the money, when the potential was there... I think I made a mistake saying he was one of the most developed characters**, what I really wanted to say was, the idea of him - the character he could've been, bounded by faith and an oath, losing everything and everyone he loves, but keeping himself strong for the boys - that was good. he could've been and ACTUAL and ACTIVE father figure who also had a compelling backstory and was not just Around.

this might be the same way I feel abt kishan... that is, I filled in the blanks and ignore the canon and turn him into a blorbo/oc-like and he is FIne! and Interesting!

** mild spoilers alert --> (Idk if I can give u spoilers SO !!! MILD SPOILERS ALERT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but he has more mentions and actual/active actions in the 4 and 5 (tigers dream) book)

- kishan:

so. kishan. I like him a lot - have in mind that when I refer to him, kadam or anamika, I tend to (not just tend too, I completely do) ignore canon and books and "fix him". he is my blorbo. basically an oc at this point. I think the little me that felt hurt and like a pariah in her own family heavily related with him when he was introduced and now I just kinda of don't want to let go, because I do like his character and the potential he had, and also related to him in some way.

anyways, much like kadam, I feel like he had potential, but he wasn't developed well and I feel like that also had something to do with mental health stigma, fetishization, toxic masculinity and also plot convenience.

⤷ mental health stigma and plot convenience:

it felt as if kishan was the troubled and disturbed brother. the brother who could not control himself and his impulses and was too much, too sarcartisc, too rude, too savage and wild, too intense. kishan is the opposite of ren, and yet, always deemed as weaker. it not ouright or explicit stated from what I remember, but that is the feeling/conclusion you take from the text. phisically and mentally, ren is portrayed to be stronger than him, more trustable than him.

it felt to me as if kishan was supposed to be the brother who got most of the trauma from everything they lived and didn't know how to deal with things in a healthy way. he was the one with the ptsd and who got the consequences.

first of all, that is not a bad thing, I do think it is way more realistic than dhiren by the way, kishan is way more compelling than him. he has actual feelings and "a bad side" - but is that developed well? no, absolutely not. and I have many many problems with this.

kishan had the potential to be a character who overcomes his traumas and learn from the past and tries to heal, a simple and yet compelling narrative. he went through a lot, he always felt like brothers shadow (the potential for this was THROWN IN THE TRASH when CH used it for romance instead of developing a fraternal very nuanced bond between the brothers), he lost his family and friends (something that also made me mad/frustrated was how CH never depicted the rajaram brothers having friends in their past life as princes, the reader is just supposed to fill in all the blanks of their personality/backstory holes) and had no one he really trusted. the material and the potential was there, you'd think it would not be hard to use it and actually do something good. but well, turns out that for CH it was very hard. kishan is twisted and shaped to be this disturbed and wild little guy who resents his brother that once he overcomes his trauma, turns out to be another version of dhiren. AND YET, he is still portrayed as lesser than dhiren for not acting or having the same "personality" and temperament his brother has.

kishan being healed on the second book was something that I took years to realise I had hated it completely because it took the decision and the path of healing out of his heands and made it seem like something simple and it took away a major part of his storyline. I am not saying his whole personality was resenting his brother and being traumatised, but I am saying that that was something important for his development. and that would've made it him a character that more people could connect and relate with, and actually make at least ONE character on this series to feel real.

as for the plot convenience, 1. how would CH describe and write kishan healing journey if the books is told from kelseys pov? I think she was lazy af and didn't want to search and find ways to depict that and just focus on the easy "spicy" part = the annoying and shallow romance and 2. becaus of said romance, kishan had to be a "proper" love interest, and that meant no more traumatised kishan! because why would a girl fall in love with a hot headed disturbed guy right?

⤷ fetishization

colleen is thirsting over the rajaram brothers and everyone can see that. she wants them to be hot and masculine and oh my god a hot !!! indian !!! prince !!! wants me <333 what do I do !!! and that ruins them. like ruins them. dhiren and kishan are sometimes nothing more than himbos (but withouth the funny and satirical or interesting part) they are just the typical oh wow fantasy-hot-guy-who have powers-and is soooo strong-and look at those muscles-damn!-that boy is hot. and it KILLS ME because for me, what made me actually want to finish reading the books was the curiosity to see if the mission would succed and the brothers and how their end would be, I didn't care for the romance (and how could I when it was so bad?) and wanted to see dhiren and kishan actually being their own beings and not just hot pieces of meat.

⤷ toxic masculinity

a man cannot be weak, right? a man cannot hide or be traumatised. that's how it feels, that's what the text transmit when kishan is not allowed to feel nothing if not what is deemed right (again something that relates to mental health stigma) and masculine! wdym he wants to stay hidden? hasn't him had enough of throwing this tantrum? he needs to MAN UP!!! kishan is again depicted as lesser or weak or immature because he is not acting in a way people expect and want him to act.

and I also want to add here that a lot of things he said or did to kelsey felt just like wanting to prove himself as apt or whatever. he was not in love with kelsey, but the idea of her, of what she and his brother had, but instead of using that and writing something good CH made him go oga booga kelsey is hot and I like woman. as if kishan could not keep it in his pants. because a man and a woman could not possibly be friends also...! she had the chance to make kishan and kelsey besties on a journey and went on to make them a weird situationship with dhiren crammed in the middle.

I have sometimes wished to "fix" and rewrite some kishan scenes, for I really hate how he was portrayed most of the time. so, returning to what I said at the beginning I often think of kishan as not book accurate and a character that could have something else if written different.

- kishan and anamika:

I like them both as a couple, but at the beginning I had a big problem with "accepting" them because it felt too much like a consolation so that kishan wouldn't be sad and miserable forever and anamika was not just throw and spun around the story at the last moment without actually having a connection to things.

and I don't know how much of it I can say it to you, so I will not dive into this topic too much and just say that I liked how they ended up, growing fond of each other, but also have problems with some stuff about that. again, the idea was compelling and even great, but CH manages to write somethings badly, like always.

- ren and kelsey:

suck balls. not an attractive or compelling couple. two of the most annoying people on earth started date, great, I might kill myself. wished they would've parted ways at the end of the book but it is a romantasy so that'd never happen, but they were not meant to end up together AT LEAST not until kelsey developed basic communication skills and ren was a real human being made of flesh and blood and not a barbie doll.

- racism/sexism: I think you have said everything there is to say about this. CH didn't research probably and cultures and countries are portrayed through a racist len. orientalism is very heavy. fetishization also. it was one of the things that actually made me want to research things correctly and learn about them in the right way tho.

- lokesh: he was a soap opera villain. but a trashy and really bad one. I am brazilian for gods sake, I was RAISED by soap operas, I LOVE them. so this is the worse thing I could say abt this guys. he is the villain you hate not because he is good and it's fun to hate him, but because why the fuck would someone write such a shitty character and still have the courage to publish it.

what drives lokesh? power. what lokesh wants? power. to do what? to gain even more power and then be the most powerful of the powerful guys! powerfullines and power and did I mention power? lokesh just wants and wants and tho that could've been worked well through the perspective of corruption and how a human can go, this is not the case, lokesh is not the case. he just wants because it is necessary for the story to have an antagonist. we know nothing about him besides him being cruel and borderline creepy about sex and woman and breeding, another big problem for me. I wish I could understand why is it ren and kishan are so so so deeply scared of him and still managed to live all of this time without dying. and okay we know based on some explanations we are given, but it still feels shallow and rushed.

- "love triangle":

sigh. do I really need to say it? say how bad and cliché and nonsense the "love triangle" was?

was it necessary? no. was it compelling? no. was it infuriating? yes. was it something that prejudiced the relationship between kishan and dhiren and made it hard for the readers to connect with them and consider their love for each other interesting? YES YES YES YES YES. was it the only thing remotetely close to a personality that kelsey ever had? yes.

I think all I said was enough, but... yeah, I hated the love triangle. I don't like to think of writing and art in general as something that was to have utility to be deemed good or bad, utility/purpoufulness and art do not walk together, sometimes art is just is, without wanting to teach something meaningful or life-changing or a moral lesson, BUT I do think there is cases - mostly talking about books - where we need to turn and look at the theory and understand what are we doing. and colleen was doing something called self inserting. and that, is not a very solid base to build your romantics plots and relationships...!

- kishan and dhiren:

they had the chance to be compelling (omg I am repeating this word a lot I am sorry I am sleepy) and interesting and were not. because between there a white elephant called kelsey. they would sometimes feel like brothers who had been bound together by destiny and were facing a major curse and had their freedom and life taken away from them, but then they would just become two horny teenagers who know nothing but looking at woman again and it the moment would be gone and CH would take 20 more chapters to be able to do it again.

- self-insert/(y/n):

colleen wrote this for herself, that's the truth. she wanted to be y/n and thought why not? and that how kelsey hayes was born. just look at where kelsey goes to live at the end of story... look where she and ren go and settle down. that answers everything from the series, literally everything. kelsey is colleen projecting. that's why it feels so bad, is a poorly and rushed written wattpad fanfic.

- conclusion:

I have completely roasted this book to the point you might ask what do I like in the books. well the answer I don't know exactly, most book accurate/canon things I like only happen in the tiger's dream and yet most of them are because I have heavily interpreted and also filled in some blanks. I do like more the idea of what could've been that the books lmao, and I do like some characters (and treat them as separate from the book) more than the books too.

but it was a special series for me for a very long time, and it was one of the firsts books, the first I think , of fantasy that wasn't happening on united states or europe and it made me curious and excited when I was a kid. it made me want to know more and read more from other cultures, although I recognise how poorly depicted it was and how racist too.

this series feels to me too much like something that could've been good, maybe even great if done right, correctly, but at the end who I am to say all of this? at the end it's just how I feel about a silly books series that is very niched and that I am actually glad was never that popular. and if one day this story is adapted I hope they change everything and make it actually good and not racist. but that's like waiting for a miracle.

@jelly-as-in-grape-concord made this for me

Tiger’s Curse book 3 is officially the worse book I’ve ever read and Colleen Houck is my eternal enemy.

[dayurno]

okay so listen. about my taylor angst kandreil au. this isn't posted anywhere? i literally only write this for my friend and then we scream about each other's writing in our whatsapp chat. also, and that might be the more pressing issue, it's entirely in german cause, you know, i am german. i only started writing in english when i started writing smut cause ew, can't do that in german, but taylor came before that so. there's that. i am sorry, i would definitely let you read it!!

ALSO thank you SOSOSOSOSO much for those new years day snippets i am going to COMBUST????? this is. so them i wanna SCREAM AND DESTROY SOMETHING preferably myself

on reputation kandrew: i just wrote an entire thing about king of my heart kandrew cause

your love is a secret i'm hoping dreaming dying to keep???

the end of all the endings, my broken bones are mending???

i totally agree on your dress agenda, i have been listening to it nonstop these past few days and this is SO kandrew. may i offer you call it what you want kandrew as well? because:

my castle crumbled over night, i brought a knife to a gunfight, they took the crown but it's alright

loves me like i'm brand new

he built a fire just to keep me warm

all the jokers dressing up as kings, they fade to nothing when i look at him

OKAY this ask got way too long already, so i am stopping now, but i think you get what i mean. my kandrew brainrot is bad, and i adore it.

(one last thing.

my reputation's never been worse so you must like me for me)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, time to learn german i guess ........... even though i am fundamentally against european languages on every aspect. "dont you speak portuguese" yes, BRAZILIAN portuguese, do not compete where u cant compare!

REPUTATION IS SOOOOOOSOOOSOOOO KANDREW ESP PRE-CANON ive been playing with the idea of a pre-canon long fic for a while now and i was just thinking abt how much reputation would Fit. i feel like it has such a slow romantic pace and has all that tension of liking someone a Lot but not it just being a very chaotic moment all around............ call it what you want specifically imo is just. LIKE IT DESCRIBES KEVINS FALL FROM GRACE SO WELL.. my castle crumbled overnight / i brought a knife to a gun fight / they took the crown but its alright? AND LIKE. AND!!! and i dont know maybe i just got issues but i have a thing about kevin praising andrew. i feel like he is a person whos as quick to scold as he is to praise (seen in: everything he does with neil) but with andrew specifically, when kevin thinks hes done good, andrew will know bc kevin isnt shy about it! so when she says shit like "my baby's fit like a daydream" its like. I DONT KNOWWW HONESTLY but something just clicks in my brain at the thought of kevin feeling that way abt andrew

also i know i know i know..... I want to wear his initial / On a chain round my neck, chain round my neck is not the most healthy thing to say about a man but. i think something i hold dearest to me is the idea that under deals and promises, after all is said and done, what andrew most wants is that the people he puts so much effort into choose to stay with him Willingly u know? not because of coercion or fear or necessity but because they really want to stay w him. and i feel like, for kandrew specifically............... isnt that the biggest thing? kevin being his because he really really really wants to be, and not bc he needs to be. (nicki minaj voice) i got issues yeah bitch i got issues

anyway hehe ahem. my apologies for the just as wordy reply

[paintedpeeta]

hi. I'm sorry for what im about to say, but i just need to let this go somewhere, otherwise imma explode. i can't talk to most of my friends right now, and i don't wanna bother anyone.

that's hypocritical of me since im coming here to bother you... and that's what im sorry about the most, but since you answered my previous ask with the most gentle treatment ive been given in days, here's me again.

im in the fandom for almost a year now. it's still difficult for me to write for everlark, specially following canon because they mean a lot to me, and im always afraid that im doing it the wrong way. I've been working on a longfic since february and there was a time where I was SO GENUINELY PROUD AND EXCITED about how i was writing, but i can't feel that anymore.

i can't feel that with anything i write. and when i do, or at least have some hope that someone will read it... nothing. not even my friends, the ones who pressured me to post it earlier than i planned in the first place. and now i feel like i have nothing, since nobody reads my thg shit and i pretty much stopped writing for other fandoms.

as a brazilian i kinda don't have the right to expect much, bc people who read everlark in portuguese nowdays are basically extinct and im not exactly using the best plataforms... but i still do. and that's making me sick.

i had to deactivate my twitter account this week because some family stuff, and i used to post a lot of my writings there. i created a new one, but now i have lost all of the lil reach i had, and i can't find most of my mutuals. my friends still couldn't care less about my writing.

i feel like im a bad author. not because my writing sucks or because I can't build storylines. i can, and feel like i do that decently. what i mean is that... nobodys reading what i put into the world. and what's the sense in all writings, if not make others feel so comforted and welcomed by our stories as we do, as authors?

i genuinely feel like getting out of twitter for good, because being there is not nice anymore. not when i see all people that promised me they would read my fics tweeting all day about all kinds of subjects and leaving me on read on dms. not when i post drabbles and have to delete them hours later because nobody sees or interacts w it.

at the same time, i don't know how to use tumblr. and every other part of my life is falling apart.

im sorry, again. but that's what I feel right now and i guess I just wanted someone to listen and comfort me, since my two other happiness sources are fictional. ignore that if you want. please, don't answer it because you feel like it's the polite thing to do or because you feel like you have to. you don't.

- I.H.

hello, anon :)

first of all i’m sorry that you’re feeling so down, i wish there was something i could do to help you more than just replying to this ask - so please remember that my messages are always open (i won’t take offence if you’d rather communicate through my inbox to keep ur anonymity of course) if you wanted to talk a little more. you must be hurting pretty bad if you feel like you can’t talk to your friends about it :(

and second of all, please don’t feel so discouraged that you stop with your writing. i really don’t read multi-chapter fics myself (i don’t even have an AO3 account if you’d believe it or not) so i sometimes feel a little guilty that i don’t do enough to support fic writers, who give up so much of their time to give other people some enjoyment and a little bit of escape. if you’d like to share the name or link etc of your fic with me i’d be more than happy to post it on my blog if you thought that would help any.

as for your troubles with writing in your native language, i can only imagine how frustrating that would feel for you. i wonder if anyone in the fandom would be able to help in the way of translation or something in order to help you in that respect? sadly i don’t speak portuguese, so i doubt i’d be any use on this one :(

and honestly i only have twitter for personal use so i’m not any help there but is there perhaps a way to reactivate your account? i wasn’t so sure but according to google you can get a deactivated account back within 30 days, if that would be in any use for reconnecting with your followers on there.

and lastly i hope you keep the faith in the longfic you’ve been writing. it would be terribly sad for you to lose all that you’ve worked on since february. that being said, if you feel like it’s giving you so much stress and just feeling fruitless it’s also okay to take a break and step back for a little while. no one will feel disappointed and you certainly shouldn’t feel that way about yourself. tumblr is sort of a pain in the ass to use i won’t deny it, but there are some amazing people and writers on here who i’m sure would be willing to help you out.

please don’t be a stranger if you need to rant again, and i hope any of what i’ve said is at least a little bit useful for you 😊

[naralanis]

Fic Writer Review!

Thanks @mssirey for the tag! I totally didn't have a crisis with the very last question, not at all bwhahaha

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

41, soon to be 42. ASJKLDBLAHSDSD how. And also why. But mostly, how.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

565,934 EXCUSE ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I was going to check my unpublished works but ya know what. Maybe I've written enough akdjsa

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Technically speaking, I've written and published fics for five fandoms. However, I only have one story for OUAT (and I have @shadowdianne to thank for that... or do I?) and one for Captain Marvel. Mirandy was my first love, Cissamione the second, and Supercorp has burrowed in my brain and just won't let go.

I've also technically written for Xena, Legend of Korra, and Criminal Minds, but since I never published those, we're going to pretend they don't exist!

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

Only two are WIPs! YEAH! They're the top two, but WHO CARES, here they are:

1) Perhaps, aka my baby, my child, my darling, the apple of my eye. If I ever had to choose to finish only ONE of my WIPs, this would be the one. This story has grown with me, and I think you can tell when you read. Or maybe not!

2) For the Better. If the former is my baby, this one is like... my moody teenager. I love it dearly, but... it takes a lot out of me. An ode to one of the first fandoms I actively wrote for, it sits unfinished, but nearly, oh so nearly done. I will finish it, damn ittt.

3) The Date. Honestly, this one really surprised me -- it's one of my oldest one-shots, and something I definitely dashed off between lectures back in Scotland, maybe alternating with FtB chapters. It's one of my first attempts at humour, I think.

4) Bits and Pieces. AYY, I wasn't sure Supercorp would make the cut, WOOOT! This one was the second Supercorp fic I ever wrote, and I did it because Lena Is Baby and the idea just wouldn't leave my brain.

And lastly, the fabulous number 5... Perfect. AKA Nara's First (published) Explicit Fic, featuring Praise Kink and an Enchanted Dildo (for... reasons). I'm not gonna lie, I am so HAPPY this one made it, because it has a special place in my heart. It's where Soft Butch Hermione comes to life, and if you don't love Soft Butch Hermione, I'm sorry, we can't be friends. I love her.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

Eeermmm... some? I do want to respond, but I'm terrible with keeping up with comments, I really am. For whatever reason, even when I do my best, I don't really love responding directly on AO3. I also turned off all email notifications for AO3 because turns out my brain WILL be distracted by even a single one.

I'm much more responsive on Tumblr, I promise!

6. A fic you've written with the angstiest ending:

Any of my Narlily works, I guess? Like... All Flowers Wither or Carry On.

Unshackled would be another one, though it's Cissamione... but I caved and made a happy(ish) second part for that one.

7. Do you write crossovers?

Nope! Crossovers just don't do it for me, generally speaking (reading or writing).

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

EvEr rEcEIvEd hAtE-- yes. Oh, yes. I've been told my writing is terrible, I've been told my stories were a 'waste of time,' or 'overhyped,' I've had people tell me there was only One Way to write a certain pairing and my way was definitely Not The Way.

The list goes on.

It used to really, really bother me--still does, but in a much smaller way. Delete/Block buttons are my friends.

9. Do you write smut?

I write an absurd amount of smut. I just don't publish any of it because. Fear.

My pretty, pretty pens have created some filthy, filthy things.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

A couple of times -- only once or twice like, straight up attributed to someone else who acted like they were the one writing it. The other times were reposts or translations (without my permission, so still. stolen).

11. Ever had a fic translated?

I've authorized a couple of translations of a few of my DWP works. I'm usually cool with people translating my stuff IF THEY ASK ME FIRST and GIVE ME PROPER CREDIT.

9/10 it's some Brazilian who translates it to Portuguese without my permission and then gets upset when I, another Brazilian, do not endorse it and politely ask them to take the thing down. Thankfully it's been a while. ASK ME, DAMN IT.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Nothing published bwhaha!

13. All-time favourite ship?

Right now SuperCorp is definitely barking a little louder, so to speak, but I don't really have one favourite overall. It depends on the fandom, sometimes! Cissamione is very dear to my heart, because it's just so fucking out there and literally every one in this ship has some of the most fascinating headcanons for this pairing and it's just. So wonderful.

14. WIP you want to finish, but don't think you ever will?

Eeeeuuughhh.... Right now? Probably The Appraisal. I forget what I wanted to do with it, I'm not sure if I'm still feeling the premise... IDK.

I think the same could be said of For the Better, but I PROMISED to finish it, and GOD DAMN IT, I am so close I can't throw in the towel just yet.

15. Writing strengths?

You want ME to say good things about MYSELF? I'm still learning how to do that asldkjbasdn it's a work in progress. But I think I'd say... maybe world-building, at least on my longer works?

I would also like to think I do pretty OK in... IDK, some of the punchy stuff? The 'oh wait a minute' moment? IDK if that makes sense!

16. Writing weaknesses?

Organizing. Plot (HAHA IKR). Consistency. Editing (which is rich from someone who literally edits shit for a living... but go figure). Pacing. Weirdly long sentences? Commas for DAYS.

I could go on.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I am a-OK attempting it in French/Spanish/Portuguese. It may not sound natural, but it will be correct. If I'm trying another language, I'll definitely get help! But I've got no problem with it.

18. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Harry Potter, Dramione specifically, and you'll never find a shred of it. I was like 12, and almost a decade later I figured out Hermione was much better off with Draco's mother.

19. What's your fav fic you've written so far?

DON'T MAKE ME CHOOOSE asdkljasdl I CAAANNN'TTTT

I mean, obviously Perhaps is one of them -- it is my baby, that has been established. I think Little Bumps in the Road is also up there, because it was just a random writing exercise that got out of hand, and honestly? I'm here for it. Andddd.... I GUESS I'll put A Valentine's Evening up there as well, because it was the first time I didn't second guess every word I wrote when posting smut. I just... felt it, went for it, wrote it, and it felt really, really good to release some of that into the world lol

WHEW, this was a long one! I'll be tagging @intheinkpot, @shadowdianne, @delirious-comfort, and @16-pennies because I am a curious bastard. But, as always, feel free to treat this as an open tag. Go nuts!

[marycecilyy]

A much needed rant (long post)

How are you all doing, my loves? So, this post is going to be about my writing. If you've sent any request recently or just like my blog, this might be of your interest. Okay, here we go!

I'll be taking a break from new requests. A long one. I'll work on clearing my askbox, right now I have 12 prompts to be asnwered. I'll do my best to answer them all, I'll even combine 2 or more asks to make the process easier, but I can't promise I'll do all of them. I'll try.

Don't send me more requests, please. I might open my askbox again, but it's not in my plans anytime soon. I'll explain why, but first I'll take you guys back to 2017, when I first started writing fanfiction.

I was in the Fairy Tail fandom at the time (didn't stop checking on it, but I'm not active anymore). It had been about a year since I started reading fics, but I had never written anything. Then, I decided to give it a try. I wrote two oneshots (in portuguese) in a short span of time and published them in Spirit Fanfiction, a writing platform. They're still there, if you search for the user marycecilyy you'll find them.

I loved the experience and weeks after that I started planning my first multi chapter fic. It was in portuguese as well. Its name was "Make a Wish". It was a police story about a detective trying to catch a mysterious serial killer. It had a lot of ocs I created myself and the main couple was Nalu (what a surprise XD). I got so invested in the plot and I had so much fun writing the skeleton, coming up with the plot twists and figuring some eventual holes in the story. I hold sweet memories of that time.

I completed the fic. It didn't have a lot of favorites and comments, but I was proud of myself for writing a good story!

Cut to 2019, when I started this blog. I had been checking on the mcl fandom for a while and, again, decided to create a blog. Few time passed until I started taking requests for MCL and ED. In two years, I can say I have a big masterlist. Sometimes I took breaks to take care of personal stuff, but soon after that I went back to writing.

A few months ago, for a lot of reasons (toxic friends, studies and, most important, my disappointment with mcl love life), I quit MCL fandom. In that time, I started writing for mysme but, to my surprise, I was facing problems that I thought would go away when I stopped wrtiting for the first fandom.

I wasn't enjoying writing. It had become something tiring and difficult to do. I wondered why, since when I wrote Make a Wish I never had those problems. When did writing stop being fun?

So, two months ago I came back to this blog determined to make it work. I opened my askbox and wrote some requests... And soon enoguh, it became boring as well.

Now, after reflecting on myself, I understand.

When I started only taking requests and prompts, I stopped making writing about myself.

I always forced myself to write what others asked me to, even if the idea they gave me didn't inspire me at all. If I was a professional writer, this would be my job, but that's the thing. I'm not. Writing is my hobbie, my passion.

Not only that, but when you don't write what you would want to read, it appears. The work doesn't come out nearly as good as something you actually enjoyed doing.

That's why I'm pausing my requests for an indefinite time. But that doesn't mean I'll stop writing, not at all. I'll just be a little selfish and write for my own good.

I'm working right now on a fanfiction about Zen and MC (Mystic Messenger) that will have about 20 chapters. It's something that a friend suggested after seeing my list of things I love reading about. After giving it a thought, the prompt really got me. I was hooked by it.

Now that I'm writing for myself, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders... I hope you'll understand and won't hate me hahaha.... Anyway

XOXO

Cecily

[ayellowcurtain]

Hi! I'm sending you this message in hopes you take no offence whatsoever, because I LOVE your fics and I love you for taking the time to produce all this content for us!

This is about the last promt regarding Robbe not eating because he'd be bottoming later that night. That fic, although it was great, was just a little confusing. In the first paragraph, you switched from a present, to a past and back to a present event, with no notification. You maybe could have used "That WAS a pleasent surprise" to indicate that it was over. Shortening overly long sentences can also help with reader confusion.

Also, about that bit about "introduce him to his mother" and "a friend offerered me a room". Is this fic set before the start of canon season 3? If yes that's cool, but would Sander not be a little excited/relieved for his bf to live alone or maybe concerned that the situation at home is so bad that he has to move out?

Sometimes you work on prompts you receive and sort of miss the point a little bit. I understand that you do your own thing and maybe are not comfortable with the direction the promt was going... In this case it was Robbe’s friends teasing him for his obviously sexual plans with Sander and his reason for not eating (bottoming).

Again, I adore your content, and I can only imagine how much time and effort it all takes. It's just my suggestion that putting a few side notes before the fic to hint at the setting and rereading for just one more time to be save, would eliviate your stories even more!

I hope you will not be at all upset reading this... I would hate to troll, I just noticed this pattern in many of your fics and thought I'd point it out. If you disagree just ignore this message please!

Hii!

Before I start, I’m just gonna say: Even if I feel all types of shame getting messages like this (not because of what you’re saying or how you’re saying it, it’s just that I feel dumb and ashamed when what I write isn’t as good as what I had thought) I would never not answer it because I don’t wanna be creating this bubble where I only share when people are happy with what I write or say. So yeah, I’ll take the good and the bad and roll with it ❤️

Now, these days I was thinking about changing what I have written as my bio because I wrote it a long time ago when I was really happy with how my relationship with the people that read my prompts was and I was mad at the time but then I didn’t change to something more “professional” because, well, my writing is messy.

I can’t promise you or anyone that what I write will always make sense or that’ll meet canon or anything. Because yeah, sometimes I will work harder, I’ll reread anything I write a million times, I’ll search on my doc of vocabulary to see if what I’m saying can be written in a better way, not the usual broken english. Last week I was reading, watching every possible video about how to improve my writing. So sometimes I’ll go that extra mile but it’s not always that I feel like doing that. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and I’m just taking my word-vomit and posting it as it comes out of my brain. Sometimes my lack of enthusiasm will come from the little notes my prompts get, sometimes I will just not have the energy or inspiration to do better.

So: I’m not a planner, I have very little patience, my english is so far from perfect and sometimes I struggle and I just want to put some ideas out because I’m excited about it or I’m tired and if I work hard or not, the notes are basically the same.

Writing in a language that I’m used to but it’s still not my mother language is not easy. The grammar is completely different, the way of using words on a phrase are completely different and I struggle a lot with it, all the time. I NEVER know where to put commas in english, it makes absolutely no sense to me (with my portuguese brain).

Now about that fic specifically: it was one of those ideas where I just ran with it, had absolutely nothing planned, wrote it for fun and post it as I wrote it. It’s not exactly canon because the boys are not gamers, they weren’t online friends that quickly became lovers so I didn’t worry much about meeting S3 events but decided to nod at some of them. Robbe was living with his parents when they met, he was living with his parents when Sander invited him to spend a few days at his place. Since we were basically in Sander’s POV most of the time, he didn’t know but in between them talking while playing games and Robbe going to his place, “a friend” offered him a place to stay, so he’ll be moving out of his parents’ place on the weekend and he invited Sander to help him out. It’s a slice of life, so I wrote it as Sander already knowing Robbe isn’t happy living with his parents. He doesn’t ask because he knows Robbe uses their time together playing as a distraction and he doesn’t want to keep asking about a matter that Robbe doesn’t share naturally. I think this is what I was thinking while writing.

Missing or not missing the point is not something I think too much about these days, to be honest. I’ll read the idea and I’ll write as the idea comes to me when I read the prompts. It may be something similar to what the person asking wanted and it can be something completely different. I try not to think if I got it right or not because that would give me too much anxiety trying to meet goals of people I don’t know instead of my own that I do know.

If the person is not happy, anyone can come back as many times as they want to ask for it again (like I got the messages asking to get more in depth about Robbe’s sex conversation with the boys a few times, like I get people asking me to write protective Gio, etc). I’ll write the idea that comes to me at the time that I sit to write the idea, that’s why I have some prompts that have very similar core prompts, that’s why sometimes I just send people old prompts - because the idea they want me to write I already did and I can’t seem to find another way of writing it.

I promise you I’m working as hard as I can right now to not let these mistakes happen often or at all but there’s only so much I can do.

I try to reread my fics before posting but sometimes I don’t have the energy. I’m not a planner, I’m not a writing notes before writing (trust me, I tried with my SKAM NL S3 fic, and with the Druck chaptered fic and it’s not something that works FOR ME, I feel like when I write notes before writing the fic I lose the main idea in the middle and it’s even worse) I’m not a slow-burn type of writer (or reader) because my patience and my basic understanding of english can only take me so long.

I’ll really try to pay attention next time and work harder every time but I can’t promise it’ll be like that every time, I can’t promise to write things that make sense all the time because just as I am trying to write good, fun things for the fandom, I’m also trying to have with it myself.

Not that anyone cares about my proving what I'm saying but here's some of my notes

[justkindaoverhereobsessing]

2020 IN WRITING

tagged by: @indestinatus​

tagging: no one, because I am unable to think straight. But whoever is interested in doing this: I’m interested in reading it. <3 

Wow, okay, I’m getting real in this little questionnaire... read at your own risk, friends.

1. List of works published this year:

I genuinely can’t write them all out here... there are too many of them! (I’ve done so little besides writing this year!) But I keep a running list of all my projects here. I’m sorry for cheating on this one, haha. 

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

This question comes up a lot on these things, and I always put the same answer: That We May Forgive. It’s has emotional moments, silly moments, heartfelt moments where the warmth made me cry as I wrote. It was written in one sitting, and it’s the story where I felt most connected to the characters I love so much. It sums up the joy I feel knowing that these (fictional) friends of mine have finally reached peace after too many years of trauma and hardship. I began the story with a single line in mind, after which the characters took over and told the story for me:

Ziva's second pregnancy is nothing like her first.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

You Stumble, You Soar, which was written for one of my dearest friends in the world, @why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee​. I wanted to do so much better by her, but as I ran out of time to complete the story by the end of her birthday, I rushed the writing and I think the story suffered for it. It made her happy, though, and that’s the most important thing. She deserves all the happiness, all the time—but especially on her birthday. 

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I can’t think of a favorite excerpt of my writing, because I’ve written so much that I can’t think back!

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

“Wow. Let me just tell you that I am absolutely in love with this story. I wake up everyday and, as I log into fanfiction, my only hope is that you've uploaded a new chapter because DAMN. The characters are so well written, the story is beautifully constructed and this last chapter just broke my heart into tiny little pieces. What a remarkable job you've done. Please, don't ever stop writing NCIS/Tiva fanfiction- specially this one story: it's one of my all time favorites. Thank you :)”

An incredibly kind and inspiring comment by a reader named Alexandra on my longest (WIP) fic, We Are an Ocean.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I’ve had two periods of NCIS hiatus this year—and actually, I’m still in the midst of the second one right now. These have periods of turmoil in my own life. When I’m upset, feeling sick, feeling sorry for myself and I’m depressed and aching... that’s when I write the best, because writing is my safety blanket. When I’m feeling numb, though, or lost... the characters are lost to me, too, and so are the words I use to wrap them (and myself) in comfort.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I’m going to deviate here from NCIS, which is—I’m well aware—why most of my followers have chosen to follow me. But in the last month, I’ve written a single fic for Criminal Minds—it’s called In Possibility, it’s unpublished, and it’s now over 100,00 words. It’s centered on Spencer Reid, who was intimidating to me when I started writing the fic. He’s far more intelligent than I am, requiring me to do a lot of research to give him realistic lines, he’s a deep and complicated character with complicated motivations and a tangled, traumatic past. He also has a sweet, really good heart that’s been scarred by years of difficult work and an emotionally taxing personal life. 

I thought he’d be difficult to write; to my surprise, he comes as naturally to me as any of my other favorite characters ever have. He gave me my first nanowrimo win! To be frank, he’s gotten me through a lot of shit this year. That was the best surprise.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

To be honest, I wasn’t much of a writer before this year. I enjoyed writing, especially in a roleplay setting with fandom friends... but I deeply struggled with trying to write alone. I didn’t do much of it.

Then, this year, well... the concept of writing exploded into the most important distraction, escape, and joy I could imagine. 

I didn’t grow as a writer this year. I became a writer this year.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

My most recent project—the one that, as I’ve said, is (and will remain) unpublished—has given me a new perspective. It’s written for an audience of me and only me... so I’ve given myself permission to engage in the most ridiculously self-indulgent writing I’ve ever embraced and thrown myself into. 

And it has been the greatest joy I could imagine in a time of great pain.* 

Next year, I want to throw myself into every project I work on with as much reckless abandon as I’ve done in this last project. I want to stop worrying so much about what people will think and pursue the words that are bursting out of the fingers on my laptop keyboard. I want to have confidence in my ability to draw out emotions—if from no one else, at least from myself.

“If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.” —Emily Dickinson

And it’s alright if that one heart is mine.

That’s what I want to accomplish in my writing next year, and what a growth that would be!

* I’ve mentioned this in my last post, but I’m recovering from brain surgery, I also have the COVID-19 virus, and I’m working on passing a kidney stone that may be too big to pass. I’m writing 10,000 words a day to get through it—and it’s working. Distraction is everything to me right now.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Like Sof, I have to tag three people here, because I really couldn’t choose just one. My three best friends in the world all influenced my writing in their own ways! <3 (Sorry for deviating a little from the writing thing in some of the following lines, oops. I just have emotions that are all over the place this week!)

@indestinatus — One of a few best friends who has had my back every day for so long now. She listens when I need to talk things out—whether or not I’m talking about writing. She really gets me when I need to be silly, or I need to be serious, or I just really, really need a friend. Also, she inspired me to start learning Portuguese this year, and I’m actually practicing by writing a fic in Portuguese, lol. It’s slow going... but Sof encourages me (and corrects me, haha) whenever I work on it, just as she does with absolutely anything else I work on. Truly, I’ve had few friends in my life that are so special to me, and I love her. I really do. 

@why-did-you-just-lie-to-mcgee — Is there a better cheerleader on this earth? Is there a better friend? Doubtful on both counts. She thinks I’m a disaster—and, by the way, she’s absolutely right—and she sometimes has to remind me to eat and sleep, but she’s totally cool with being my internet mom. Doesn’t matter that she’s nearly a decade younger than I am, lol. All of these things have bolstered me when the writer inside of me has faltered, and she has carried my burdens as I wrote them out. Anyway, she reads everything I write, and she has requested to gain access to all of my unfinished chapters and unpublished works in the event that I die—I completely trust her with that nonsense. I’ve written it into my will. Really. Like with Sof, I genuinely love Tiz, and I’d do anything for her. 

@honeybadgerdocare — Best friend of 20 years. She doesn’t watch the same shows that I do, and my endless ranting makes very little sense to her... but she listens. She’s my sounding board for everything I write, everything I read, everything I watch, and everything that gives me big feelings. I genuinely can’t describe how much she has helped me with my writing every single day, so I’ll leave it at this: I could not do it without her. I’d drown in my own struggles and I’d stop creating the art that sustains me. She’s my soulmate—sorry to her fiancé. All of my love goes to her!

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

HAHAHAHAHA it’s cute how you think my writing is anything other than a re-organized and fictionalized version of my life and my feelings. Real life shows up in my writing, and my writing shows up in my real life. It gets crazy and obsessive, but like... I had a trip to Israel booked this year (obviously canceled due to the pandemic, but still) because Ziva comes from Israel. (Also because of my Jewish adoration for the spiritual homeland, but the thought of going and the trip planning all started with Ziva.) I went to Baltimore so I could run down an alley yelling “YOU CAN’T OUTRUN ME, I’M WEARING TUBE SOCKS!” to encourage my inner Tony DiNozzo. I nearly froze to death in Washington, D.C. and called my mom every time I saw a little red mini coop that looked like Ziva’s, or came across a place that was featured in an NCIS scene.

And to answer the actual question here, because I obviously flipped it around like the moron I am... when the pandemic canceled things I was desperately looking forward to, I wrote a fic where Tali’s excitedly anticipated dance recital got canceled because of the pandemic. I lost my appendix (last year, but the fic was written this year — does that count?) and wrote a fic where Tali loses hers, too. (I swear, I don’t always write things that torture Tali, lol, these are just my best examples!) When I lost a couple of loved ones this year, I wrote a funeral scene where Tony and Tali remembered Ziva. Writing is definitely free therapy, y’all.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write for yourself—write what you love, and you’ll love what you write. That’s all. That’s it. That’s my advice, something I’ve learned this year.

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’ve been working on We Are an Ocean for roughly a year now, and 2021 needs to see it finished. I’ve got a number of lovely, dedicated readers who deserve to see the story play out as it’s intended to be played out. 

Also, my greatest love right now, In Possibility, will probably write itself to an end in 2021. Or... who knows? Maybe it will worm its way into 2022, too. :-)

14. If you could recommend only one work from yourself published this year:

Since I already went into detail about my favorite fic of mine from this year (That We May Forgive), I’ll recommend a different one: The Stars Always Make Me Laugh. It has some of the darkest moments I’ve ever written, but it also has some of the lightest moments I’ve ever written. It was an answer to two different challenges, and if I can say this without sounding arrogant, I think I met the challenges beautifully. It gave me comfort, catharsis, and closure for a few things in my own life... and I hope it comforts my readers, too. 

15. Year word count: 

HOLY FUCKING SHIT (excuse my French). I just added up my AO3 word count + my current unpublished project, and... my word count is:

428,557.

FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND, FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN WORDS

I nearly just fell out of my chair. Goodbye, friends. I am deceased.

[narashikari]

Thank You, Haikyuu!!

So here we are. The final chapter of Haikyuu...

Excuse me for becoming an emotional mess down in the cut. I only got into the fandom very recently, but holy eff I got too attached to these volleyball idiots way too quickly...

So yeah, I did see a lot of spoilers over the week, but I tried to resist posting about them myself until the official Viz translation was posted. But I did have a lot of FEELS over them, aaaah-

Also, I have this particular track from the Haikyuu OST in mind while reading the finale and it really contributes to the FEELS. It’s called Itadeki no Keshiki- or, translated, The View From the Summit. And lemme tell you, just listening to it, even without reading the chapter, already broke my heart a little.

Anyways, without further ado, an emotional rant ensues.

Also, crying over ships ensues.

First- that gorgeous, beautiful colored panels of Team Karasuno and a match with Nekoma, their eternal rivals. Seriously, words cannot describe just how beautiful this panel is. In fact... just look at it in its full glory. THE CHARACTER INTERACTIONS ALONE. HOLY FUCK. 

THE PRETTY SETTER SQUAD OF AKAASHI, OIKAWA, YAHABA AND SEMI!! 

BOKUTO AND IWAIZUMI AND TSUKKI!! 

TENDOU LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF AT THE MIYA TWINS WHILE SHIRABU AND KUNIMI ARE JUST (-__-) 

UDAI PLAYING A MOCK GAME WITH HOSHIUMI AND AKITERU

DAICHI, TANAKA AND HINATA’S CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ALL WATCHING THE GAME

AAAH MY HEART CAN’T TAKE THIS ALREADY

Tendou as a chocolatier. Somehow it fits him. He does have that Willy Wonka vibe to him...

“Best friends” my ass... Furudate said UshiTendou rights and had them meet up in Paris for a romantic dinner date

Former Nekoma peeps losing it over Fukunaga’s paella?

Just when we thought pro-gamer/CEO/sugar daddy Kenma & sports promoter Kuroo was the power couple of Nekoma... Furudate brought out pro-volleyball player Yaku & supermodel Lev.. YAKULEV NATION HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW THAT YOU’RE WE’RE STANNING ONE HELL OF A POWER COUPLE

Also, Yaku bursting out laughing seeing Lev’s ad is just so... YakuLev

Wow, I didn’t expect Kanoka of all people to be brought back... and as the ace of the women’s national team of things! She may not have gotten the boy but man what a gig she got instead

And both Tanakas just being a huge supporter of her even now is just... my heart is so full rn

Furudate also said AsaNoya rights and had them run off for a world tour right when their friends are about to compete in the biggest tournament of their lives

Also how sweet is it that DaiSuga are still close to the Tanakas that they’re watching the Olympics together (and laughing at AsaNoya’s antics together)

THE RANDOM KID WHO TOLD USHIWAKA VOLLEYBALL WAS BORING BECAME AN USHIWAKA FAN I CANNOT

MONIWA OF ALL PEOPLE GETTING TICKETS TO SEE THE OLYMPICS LIVE

IWAIZUMI IS AN ATHLETIC TRAINER FOR TEAM JAPAN AAAAAAAAAH

AND THEY’RE PLAYING AGAINST OIKAWA AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Oikawa being the underdog as the “unknown” in since he never made it to Nationals in high school... then he apparently settled down in Argentina and became a player on the National team

Look I didn’t like his attitude towards Kageyama because it reminded me too much of how I was treated in high school but man. I could respect his efforts. Good for him.

THE NATIONAL TEAM ROSTER IS LIT AF AHHHHHHH

Tsukki is still the pillar of salt we all know and love lmao... I can’t believe he’s on a team with Mad Dog of all people though!

Did Furudate seriously just say KageHina rights and had their partnership acknowledged by the announcers in the goddamned Olympics? Why yes they did 

“FEARED AS POTENT MASTERS OF AERIAL COMBAT” 

Daichi, Suga and the Tanakas are all of us right now

“LET’S PROVE AGAIN TO THE WORLD... THAT VOLLEYBALL IS FUN!” 

If Furudate didn’t do that with Haikyuu I will eat my pants

Udai furiously working on his new manga... and holy hell, look at those arms (...I have an arm fetish thanks to Renn Kiriyama, sue me)

So... they didn’t do the “View from the Summit” speech, instead they did the other speech from the beginning of the manga. I highly recommend listening to this clip from the first Haikyuu stage show to accompany it. Fitting, not only because it was the FIRST stage show (which meant it portrayed the beginning of the manga)... but amongst those reciting the speech was Oikawa. THE FEELS!!

THIS PANEL UGH. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER IS IF IT WERE IN FULL COLOR

THE FREAK QUICK DUO IS BACK, LADIES AND GENTS!!!

NOPE I’M NOT CRYING YOU ARE CRYING-

OKAY NOW I’M CRYING...!!! THEY PROMISED TO COMPETE WITH EACH OTHER EVEN ON  THE WORLD STAGE... AND THEY DID IT

THESE FUCKERS STILL SHARE THE SAME BRAIN CELL ACROSS THE GODFUCKING GLOBE TEN YEARS AFTER THEY FIRST MET 

Also, their numbers are still right next to each others’. FURUDATE REALLY SAID KAGEHINA SOULMATE RIGHTS

And with that... Haikyuu!! has officially ended! Ahh, I’m so emotional right now... 

I probably won’t be able to sleep at all and I need to be awake in like 3 1/2 hours anyway so screw it, Imma go read more fanfic about volleyboys!

(Also also, now it’s practically canon that they will try to fluster the other by flirting/dirty talking in Portuguese/Italian. Language kink KageHina ftw?)

[drsilverfish]

Nine Minutes to Midnight

5x21 Two Minutes to Midnight

Nine episodes to beat God, and fifteen years since Kripke pitched his original On The Road fan-fiction meets folk horror. 

I’ve had a lot of fun in this little corner of Tumblr SPN fandom, over the eight years I’ve been here. I arrived as a newbie in 2012, and people already here were kind to me. I’ve seen people come and go, get disillusioned with SPN and move onto new fandoms, or arrive latterly into this one, brimming with excitement. 

This is a weird social media platform, and I doubt it will be around forever, as one of its joys is how singularly bad it has been at integrating advertising.   

Some of my favourite things here have been;

Comments in the tags, often funny, thinky, joyful - love this element of Tumblr.

Coda fic - this short-form story-style, which leaps into the fan-fiction gaps, loud silences and lacunae of the text - what a joy.

All the different roles people take on in fandom, as labours of love - gif makers, fic and meta writers, artists, vidders, archivists, signal-boosters, enthusiastic readers and beta-readers, art-lovers, networkers, collaborators, question-askers and answerers, and participants of all kinds (introvert and extrovert).

Completely unrelated to SPN, posts which are full of puns and hilarity, from “lik the bred” to Brits vs Americans on the subject of drinking tea. I still love Tumblr’s collective sense of humour; it’s witty and charming. 

The language of gifs; those delightful comtemporary hieroglyphics of emotive expression.

The diversity - English is the shared language, but gradually it’s apparent that despite US dominance of the site, there are people from all over the world here, whose native tongues range from Russian to Italian to Brazilian Portuguese.

The collective meta experience - sharing “live” textual analysis has been huge fun. Viewing a text in a hive mind this way always shows you something you’d have missed on your own. It’s like holding up a crystal to a thousand lights and watching all the different refractions happening at once.

Again, not SPN specific, but experts in various subjects, from Egyptology to Medieval History suddenly emerging from the depths to provide a passionate and erudite exposition on their topic. Often prefaced with, “My time has come...”   

Fandom has a dark side. It can be a coping mechansim, for many, in a healthy or less healthy way. There are unfortunately, always the formation of various “in-groups” and “out-groups”, ship wars, harrassment (of other fans, cast and crew), entitlement, and wild unpleasantness. And, that scourge of the internet in general; performative outrage (otherwise known as the outrage economy) which turns up the dial on provocative statements and negative emotion because that acts as catnip for engagement. A lot of people act out their shadow-selves online, projecting their own internal stuff onto others, from behind the screen.    

Almost no media texts get to run as long as SPN (fifteen years) but my first fandom was (and is) Doctor Who and that has been going for over 50. It has some absolutely horrendously toxic spaces and places online, and many of pure joy. My advice is - find the joy.  

Stories, by inviting us into the shoes of others, teach us at their (and our) best, the invaluable gift of empathy.

Take care of yourselves. Endings are hard, no doubt.

Special shout-out to fellow LGBTQ+ fans - hold onto your hearts. 

It can be complicated loving a story telling its queer (romantic/ erotic) love story implicitly (i.e. in subtext). 

Don’t forget (as I always say in my tags) subtext is part of narrative - meaning, the totality of a text contains its explicit and implicit elements; its text and its subtext, just like Metatron (aka Robbie T) told us in 9x18 Metafiction. 

I wasn’t in the fandom myself, here on Tumblr, but I saw some of the fall-out from BBC Sherlock S4, and it was particularly distressing to see so many young LGBTQ+ fans feeling deeply hurt and even suicidal, because they’d read all the (extensively crafted) queer subtext in that show as a promise which would, inevitably, lead to an unequivocal queer “coming out” for John and Sherlock.

Those queer fans weren’t “self-queerbaiting” - they were just reading the totality of the text. And after all, why not read the subtext that way, as a promise? Being of a generation who’d already gotten to see many explicitly out queer characters on-screen; why not dare to imagine the subtext was a slow-burn romance with an inevitable “out” climax? Especially because Mark Gatiss (one of the writers) is out and queer himself, young queer fans were even more certain that his Sherlock would be the first “out” queer Sherlock on-screen (The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, 1970, which Gatiss is on record as being a fan of, had previously queer-coded Holmes, as indeed does Downey’s version, in Sherlock, 2009, and Sherlock 2: A Game of Shadows, 2011.)

Of course, the corporate and production politics were no doubt complex behind the scenes at the BBC, and Gatiss himself (apparently) saw things differently saying (in an interview in Oct 2010):

“No, I don’t think I’d make a kind of gay programme. It’s much more interesting when it’s not about a single issue. And equally, I find flirting with the homoeroticism in Sherlock much more interesting.” (Buzz Magazine Oct 2010: p10).

All of which, is why I’ve been adding a disclaimer to my readings of SPN’s queer subtext for a while now - namely, that reading the subtext doesn’t promise a rainbow of obviousness at the end. 

As I said, take care of your hearts, lovelies.   

Perhaps we shouldn’t need the narrative closet any longer. 

But, we are walking between worlds, an old one and a new, both of them currently existing simultaneously, especially in a globalised world. 

Queer audience fractions are, generally, more attuned to queer subtext, because it often uses codes derived from queer culture (although reading cinematic/ television subtext of all kinds is a learned skill, and no one is born with text-reading gaydar). So, whilst queer subtext may appear “loud” to some audience fractions, it remains invisible to others. That is, historically, by design, because, whilst “out” queer characters have gradually emerged on-screen since the 1950s [and the end of the Hays Code in Hollywood] queerness was, and still is (depending on where one is in the world) subject to legal penalty, state censorship or corporate production censorship.

A contemporary kind of state censorship is e.g. in China, where overt LGBTQ+ themes and characters cannot be depicted on-screen (hence, the queer subtext in The Untamed). A contemporary commodity kind of censorship might be e.g. notes from the Network, or TPTB at Marvel Studios with an eye on box-office. Queer subtext has the ability to slip past the censors, or be tolerated by them; because, now you see it/ now you don’t. A character with a straight “surface” reading and a queer subtextual one may (depending on the film/ TV product and its market etc,) be seen to pose less risk as a commercial product, whilst being able to appeal to different audience fractions simultaneously. For example, Captain Marvel  (2019) and, as above, BBC Sherlock (2010-2017).

And yes, it’s complicated, because in the midst of that still extant censorship, which queer writers and other creatives on set may indeed be trying to work around by using queer subtext, we can see another world is possible. More out queer stories are being told. And, although we may love to see implicit queerness rather than no queerness at all, and indeed although implicit queerness may (arguably) have the freedom (still) to tell less boundaried or stereotyped stories than explicit queerness (with powerful effects on the audience fractions, both queer and straight, who do “see” it) we can’t deny that it does suit corporate entities, in some cases, to be able to appeal to a dual audience without the perceived “risk” of “outness”.  A form of “queer-sploitation” which leads to the charge of “queer-baiting”.

The issue is, perhaps, particularly one surrounding male hero characters in Hollywood (and here in the UK) a) because “queer stories” are (still) often, not seen as likely to have universal appeal for broader audiences, whereas “straight stories” are not framed as “straight stories” but as universal ones, and b) because of the persistence of the prejudiced belief in particular that “queerness” undermines masculinity, especially “heroic” masculinity (here we have diverged markedly from the ancient Greeks). It’s somewhat different for female characters, but that’s another post. Fantasy, in the on-screen medium (if less so in fiction or comics) appears to be a more regressive genre than, say, comedy, in terms of the depiction of “out” queer central (rather than side) characters, with the exception of the Wachowskis’ Sense8 (2015-18) in which pretty much everyone is queer. I know there’s Ruby’ Rose’s Batwoman (2019- ) which I haven’t had a chance to check out yet, and we’ve got some queer Marvel (side) heroes upcoming, apparently; Valkyrie in Thor: Love and Thunder and Phastos in The Eternals - let’s see how that goes.

Moreover, queer subtext doesn’t have an exact analogy i.e. a “straight subtext” equivalent. Yes, many films and TV shows imply romantic/ sexual tension and interest between M/ F (pre)couples before it is “confirmed” they’re into each other in the text. However, because straight is the default assumption, audiences may muse and disagree about the potential for a M/ F romance at the implicit stage (as they have done in SPN fandom re Sam/ Rowena) but they don’t ask - “Does this mean they might be straight ????” It is assumed. Queerness, on the other hand, in order to be widely recognised (rather than solely by the subtext-reading audience fraction) must “come out” in some manner, explicitly, in the text (I don’t mean graphically, but “beyond reasonable doubt”).  In other words, as painful as it is, we are not starting on a level playing field. It’s not fair, but it is the deal. 

That doesn’t mean we can’t love contemporary queer subtextual stories, just that it’s important to acknowledge it can be painful, for some, to do so, and just as it’s important to acknowlege it’s OK to find them too painful to love, also (historical texts obviously operated under different circumstances). 

Queer audiences are not homogenous. We can, and do, see things differently from one another, perhaps particularly across generations. 

It is the case however, I think, that the structuring of a story by the narrative closet, as SPN has been structured by the narrative closet (up to this point, mid S15) (by which I mean its queerness is transparent to some, invisible to others, by design) cannot help but remind many queer audience members of our own struggles with the real world closet. Indeed that may make the story attractive, or unattractive, to different folk. 

Incidentally, which is why I avoid it, I think the “it’s canon”/ “it’s subtext” debate is a false dichotomy and a bit confusing, as there are two, perfectly legitimate (within their own terms) definitions of “canon”. In the fandom sense, where “canon” means a romantic/ erotic pairing explicitly confirmed in the text, Destiel (meaning romantic/ erotic orientation between Dean and Cas) is not “canon” (as at 15x11). It is implied. Of course, it is explicit text that they care deeply for one another - “You’re my family. I love you, I love all of you” (12x12 Stuck in the Middle with You), “You’re my best friend” (15x09 The Trap). The exact nature of that relationship remains, however, deliberately, ambiguous. 

In the literary sense, in which “canon” means “the official body of work”, SPN’s official body of work contains a metric tonne of implicit romantic/ erotic Dean/ Cas, so, it is part of the SPN “canon” in that sense - “subtextual canon” if you like. Although, of course, because implied, therefore open to interpretation.... deliberately transparent to some and invisible to others.

Despite all this complexity, and, indeed despite other elements of the SPN narrative which I have struggled with personally (the early seasons’ misogyny is off the charts sometimes, the brutally insensitive manner of Charlie’s death) I have loved this story, Supernatural, truly, madly, deeply, in large part because of its (implicit) queerness. And for may other reasons additionally, from its folkloric beginnings and dark initial cinematographic palette, to its melodrama, to its, eventual, Ourboros structure, and its Jungian alchemical journey marrying the cosmic to the earthly. 

Reading the show without the queer subtext remains possible, but oh boy is that analogous to only considering the above sea-level portion of an iceberg.  

I would prefer a rainbow of obviousness at The EndTM, but I don’t expect one. What I expect is continued, deliberate, ambiguity. Something I am sure we will be debating the ethics of, long after. 

I could be wrong :-). But I am taking my own advice, and taking care of my heart.      

For now, it’s nine minutes to midnight; let’s see how the story ends.

And afterwards, however the chips may fall, the characters will (as this most meta-narrative of seasons has been busy telling us) be set free of “Chuck’s” control. They will belong to us, in a thousand thousand fan-works, for as long as we care to keep on loving them.             

[quarantineroulette]

2020 Releases that I listened to more than once / stuck with me in some way.

Excuse my pessimism, but 2020 was a year in which finding solace in music was of little use to me. I also had less time than ever to listen to music. I spent the worst of the pandemic displaced and with limited internet access, then moved to another city and switched careers, two changes which I still haven’t fully comprehended. I also spent 98% of my free time feeling too anxious about the future as a whole to do any sort of listening, focused or passive. 

Things eventually got settled enough that I could at least check out what various music publications were fussing about in their year-end round ups. Not the most ideal avenue for discovery, but this has been a hard, tiring year and, despite some very promising releases and trends, I still feel a bit hopeless. I can’t even really be bothered to do any sort of ranking or make things even with a “20 for 2020,” so instead here’s a summary of some music that stood out to me. I can promise there are at least 15 releases mentioned - you can do a “choose your own adventure”  and rank them as you wish. 

Without a doubt, the only 2020 record that truly elevated me to a place where I stopped stressing out about things was Protomartyr’s Ultimate Success Today. These guys are by far my favorite band right now and their fifth album gave me so many new reasons to love them, from the propulsive “Michigan Hammers” and its stock footage masterpiece of a music video to elegant closer “Worm in Heaven.” Saxophonist Jemeel Moondoc, cellist Fred Lonberg-Holm and multi-instrumentalist Izaak Mills were deployed on most tracks and, rather than merely serving as a garnish for songs, their contributions added as much tension, heft, and brutal beauty as Protomartyr’s core members. Add in Half Waif’s Nandi Rose guesting on the Very Sad “June 21,” and you have one genuinely faultless release. In a similar vein, Algiers released their third and arguably strongest full-length, There is No Year, back in January and it served as a powerful, prescient (the title alone!) and just plain awesome reminder to keep fighting in even the darkest of times. 

This year I occasionally found myself praying for disco and I’m pretty sure Doja Cat’s sorta Chic-inspired “Say So” was the song I listened to the most in 2020 (yes, shame on me for a million different reasons). But little did I know 2020 was such an abundant year for mirrorball-indebted releases. Kylie Minogue’s Disco was a given, but what especially thrilled me were Roisin Murphy’s Roisin Machine and Jessie Ware’s What’s Your Pleasure? Murphy’s outstanding “Murphy’s Law” especially sounds like a lost classic from the ‘70s, while Ware’s titular “What’s Your Pleasure” is as fitting a Donna Summer tribute as any you could come across in the past 40 or so years. Ware’s record became slightly less cool when I realized she’s a podcasting mom who is friends with Adele, but What’s Your Pleasure?’s irresistible procession of Great Pop Moments solidifies it as one release I’ll keep coming back to. 

(Bonus: if you favor a no-wave / post-punk spin on disco, then look no further than Public Practice’s Gentle Grip). 

Ware and Murphy have been particularly prevalent on many of the major year-end lists, but I still carry a bit of skepticism about such things. Therefore, discussions such as this sub-Reddit (sorry) thread on regional picks has been useful in thinking outside the US and UK-favoring ranking systems (although there’s still a lot of anglo shit listed there as well). I’m hoping to listen to more releases from oft-overlooked countries thanks to some of these Redditors’ suggestions, although I’ve already spent a bit of time with Einsturzende Neubauten’s Alles in Allem and remain Team Blixa (if such a team exists). Despite my aforementioned trepidation, The Quietus’  list did compel me to check out the wonderfully somber offerings of Closed Circuits. This Portuguese artist describes himself as “Leonard Cohen being bothered by Coil,” and if that doesn’t entice you, I fear you may be a lost cause.  

This year we moved to Philadelphia, which means...A lot of things, but relevant to this summary, we found ourselves driving past some provocative graffiti stating “Make America Nothing Again” numerous times. Eventually I put two and two together and gave Nothing’s The Great Dismal a listen. Having not expected much beyond the clever marketing, I was pleasantly wowed by the quartet’s moody post-shoegaze offerings. I can barely discern any of the lyrics, but on vibe alone, The Great Dismal perfectly captures the heavy despair that permeated 2020. Add in Korine’s gloom-pop The Night We Raise and I can confidently say that Philly’s music scene is in good hands. 

I might have lied a bit at the start of this post - in saying I didn’t listen to music throughout 98% of the pandemic, I’m overlooking the many car rides spent revisiting Fontaines D.C.’s brilliant 2019 debut, Dogrel. While it didn’t impress me quite as much, this year’s A Hero’s Death was a mostly worthy successor, interspersing a few tranquil moments among the band’s more confrontational offerings. Not all of those moments worked for me, but these new directions were enticing enough for me to officially consider Fontaines a Band To Watch, if that’s still something people say. Oh yeah, and the video for the title tune slams. 

Speaking of music videos, I don’t usually rely on this medium for discovering bands, but that changed this year with Dehd. The trio’s videos are vibrant, conceptually clever, and relentlessly fun. Thank goodness that the music lives up to Dehd’s visual knack, with Flower of Devotion at times recalling The Jesus and Mary Chain and Roy Orbison in equal measure (especially on the stunning “Letter”). Emily Kempf’s versatile singing reminds me of everyone from Jana Hunter of Lower Dens to Carla Bozulich of The Geraldine Fibbers, yet it’s still bracing enough that every word she sings sounds utterly gripping. Who knows when gigs will happen again, but Flower of Devotion rocketed these folks to the top of my post-Covid gigging wishlist.  

Sparks is one act I can happily say I’ve seen numerous times. They are never ones to disappoint but, nearly 40 years into their career, the Mael brothers owe us nothing. Yet A Steady Drip, Drip, Drip is somehow an instant classic. It’s nothing short of astonishing that, at 75, Ron Mael can crank out a song that is equal parts insanely catchy, effortlessly humorous and deceptively sad, but he yet again nailed this trifecta with “Lawnmower,” to name but one. Russell Mael’s invincible vocals are in full effect throughout, particularly on the straight up lovely “Pacific Standard Time.” I would never even entertain the idea of using the term “pop / rock juggernaut,” but if it was regarding Sparks, I would at least not dispute it. 

(PS, special shout out to another singular duo of relatives, Prima Primo, who this year released my favorite song about Madonna since Sparks’ very own Madge tune, featured on 1988′s Interior Design.)

Finally, this list would absolutely be incomplete if I didn’t give mention to Bob Dylan’s fabulous Rough and Rowdy Ways. More than ever, 2020 felt like a year rife with stupid decisions, stupid actions and praise for mediocrity. A return to form from perhaps the greatest lyricist of all time is something many of us probably didn’t know we needed, but boy am I thankful for it (not as thankful as I would be for a second stimulus check, but still - next best thing). Dylan also gave us the fun bonus of having Fiona Apple guest on the outstanding “Murder Most Foul,” and of course Apple’s own Fetch the Bolt Cutters both featured her dogs as percussion and further solidified her place in the socio-political songwriting canon. Maybe there is something to be said for music after all!  

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

asks (16)

Anonymous said: Sorry in advanced that I'm asking about it, don't really know how your rules work precisely, I'm not trying to pull a prank promise. I'm romance repulsed too, I don't care about ships the way ships are cared about if it makes any sense. I just wanted to know if you block people who you follow if they ever reblog anything with a ship, since sometimes panels tend to have characters who are canonically a ship and maybe it's a meta post about some character's life n has a ship in it..

Oh no, don’t worry. I don’t really look at blogs that follow me. I block people that ask me ship questions or tag my fics with ship names. That’s about it. 

@babybatbrat said: thoughts on the best pizza topping

Oh yes I used to work at a pizza restaurant so I have Opinions about this. Steps to ultimate pizza:

Stretch simple dough thinly over a small-sized metal pan.

Lay down a base of olive oil. Rub minced garlic on top of your oil.

Add an over-generous topping of mozzarella cheese.

Add bacon bits, onions, and feta cheese. 

Bake to taste

Having been a pizza employee, I also have strong opinions about the WORST pizza toppings-- not by taste but by unpleasant-ness of preparation. Do NOT ask me for artichoke hearts. You may ask for anchovies ONLY if there is a box already open. If you make me prepare you a s'mores dessert pizza I will kill you on sight. 

Anonymous said: thoughts on non-english language/ non-western music? everyone's spotify wrap this year got me looking into this

One of my sisters is super into k-pop, and I’ve tried to share her interest, but it doesn’t really work for me. I do, however, love bollywood music. That shit slaps, and it reminds me of dancing in my friend’s living room all throughout high school. 

Anonymous said: Thoughts on Batman beyond?

I’ve never really been exposed to it honestly. I understand that was kinda a childhood staple for a lot of people, but my house didn’t do tv shows while I was growing up. 

@mediumsizedmedium said: Thoughts on Damian coming across the concept of furries?

I have no thoughts on this point

Anonymous said: You dont need to respond to this, but I wanted to tell you that my favorite thing about your fics is that theyre ship-free. It makes me so happy to read stories about the batfam just being a family. I wanted you to know that even tho people are being disrespectful about your boundaries, i really appreciate what you DO write and what you put out into the world is lovely and a joy to read. I know u probably already know there are tons of people who support you, but I just wanted to say I do too :)

Ahhh thank you my darling I appreciate you very much 

Anonymous said: I'm on a kick right now, and need more fics about Dick being confronted about Tim's emotions on the way Damian became Robin. I've read all the ones I can find, but you might know of ones I haven't found yet. Do you do you have any recs?

Hmmm I have a couple, but I don’t really read fanfiction myself, so I can’t give recommendations. 

Anonymous said: Okay, been a few days, but fun fact about myself. I thought that movies were supposed to be kinda fuzzy and movie credits were supposed to be borderline unreadable for years until I was 14 and my parents got me glasses.

akjgalfgslasf you poor child

@materassassino said: Facts about me: I am wearing Wonder Woman socks

That’s the pinnacle of fashion to be honest

Anonymous said: as a (portuguese speaking) kid, my dad always put on american songs and I thought english was a made up language

That’s so valid anon

Anonymous said: Fun fact about myself, I usually cook full meals for my daughter, friends and family but when it is just me, I can live off of a jar of peanut butter and half a loaf of bread for a week

[John Mulaney voice] I lived like a goddman ninja turtle 

@insideoflit said: Fun Fact: I have a total addiction to cheezy movies (Think: In Like Flint)

I saw my very first romcom the other day and ????? ?? ?????

Anonymous said: That’s not a super fun fact but I am also pretty drunk so I can’t think of fun ones uhhh I have my cat a middle name and his middle name is Alexander and he is perfect

I support you, your cat, and your drunken exploits 

Anonymous said: A fact about me is coronavirus got the play I’m in cancelled so I went to a castmates apartment and am now drunk for the first time but it’s ok i drank water and I’m goin to sleep

They took my graduation away :(

@areverieofchaosdreams said: Fun fact: I've broken every toe but one, and have multiple hairline fractures running theough my ankles and shins. 12 years of ballet will break you, literally. Also, you're adorable and are ome of the key reasons I stay here on tumblr.

Wowza!! Yikes!! I’m so sorry, but thank you very much too

Anonymous said: Canon but kinda different is canon divergent, not AU. AU in this fandom would not work the way it would in some other fandoms, here we already have alternate canon universes. We should use canon divergent more since that's the best way to explain the small-medium changes. Canon divergent would be Oracle never coming back to Batgirl or Jason coming back without Red Hood fiasco. AU would be they're all magical beings or reverse age or no cape. Fundamentally different universe.

Interesting, thank you

[missnxthingg]

Lovesick | t.h.

AN: I did this a long time ago, and I was just now organizing my own stuff and decided to post this. I found it cute, and I don’t know why I didn’t post it before. And sorry if it pure shit, it was from back when I started writing in english (I’ve been writing for a long time but in portuguese since I’m brazilian, but I only took the guts to start writing in english this year). 

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader.

Words: 2K

Summary: Tom and Reader are old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time and so much happened between them and they see each other again after a long year apart. 

Warnings: Nuddity, some swearing (not so much I guess), making out, lots of crying and cutness. I don’t own the gif.

“Is she really coming?” He asked for the third time that night, while looking down at his beer bottle. 

“I guess so. She promised.” Tom nodded at his best friend and looked at the door one more time.

“We’ve been here for three hours now Harrison.”

“Maybe she had a flight delay or something, there’s got to be some kind of explanation.”

“Or maybe she just didn’t want to see me.”

 "Stop doing this to her. She’ll show up.“

But after hanging around for an extra hour at that old pub in LA, they were about to give up, when they got a text from her.

"I’m so sorry for not making it. I had problems with my flight and I didn’t even landed yet. Go home, and I promised to see you tomorrow. I love you both, X." Tom repeated out loud and Harrison pitied him.

"I’m sorry mate, maybe you just need to go home and rest.”

“I just really wanted to see her tonight. She makes me feel like I’m home again.”

“I know. But I think you were expecting something else out of this date, like her crawling back to you.”

“I think I’m the one about to crawl back to her.”

“It’s been an year. She probably changed.”

Harrison was right, and Tom hated to admit that. The couple has too much tension between them, after that long history they had together, seeing each other again after a long break could make them confused with their feelings again. Tom and Y/N had a long history together. They didn’t date or anything, but they did have something between them, but didn’t work out and they decided to go on as just being like the friends they used to be. And right after it happened, Tom got too busy with work and Y/N too busy with Fashion School, and it was supposed to be the first time they see each other after that fatidical day with a lot of crying and goodbyes. A text made things happen. It was late night in LA, and Tom was waiting for Harrison to get his things done around the studio while going through some old pictures from when he was little. And there she was, a really happy girl hanging around with the boys she used to love so much. He missed her immediately, and grabbed his phone to text her.

“Sorry for not texting you in a while. I’m feeling homesick and kind of nostalgic and can’t stop thinking about you, how you make me feel like I’m home, no matter where I’m at. I wish you were here.”

“Thomas, you always get me right. I miss you and Harrison. Home isn’t home without my favourite boys.” She texted and Tom felt kind of frustrated that she talked about Harrison too.“Plus, we need to talk.”

She said she would come, she promised. Y/N even bought flight tickets but as Tom suspected, maybe she didn’t want to see him, like she did during thiswhole year. Not even one text from her. She was avoiding him, just to avoid her feelings.

 Harrison wanted to drive Tom home, but he said he wanted to walk around for a bit, and told him not to worry. So Harrison went home, and Tom started to quietly walk around the city, remembering every single moment he was with her, just wishing she was there, to hold his hand and walk around silently. He walked a few more blocks when a taxi pulled over and from there, a girl walked out of the car. Tom stopped to watch the girl pay for the car and get out of it. She was standing back but he would recognize that soft Y/HC hair from anywhere. She didn’t change a bit. Long coats, boots, glasses on and a bit of gloss on her lips. She looked exactly the same. Tom’s heart was pounding when he got closer and touched her shoulder. She turned back and smile to see who was behind her. And so they hugged, a strong and tight hug. They both closed their eyes, just feeling each others presence. She also smelled like the same fancy and soft fragrance she used to.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Tom said still holding her.

“I can’t believe we’re this close again.” She replied.

“How was your flight?”

“Exhausting.” something about her just seemed a bit off.

“So where are your bags?” He said and she took a step back.

“Fuck.” She said keeping her voice as low as she could.

“You were already here.” He said and she nodded. “Why didn’t you show up? I need you (Y/N). You didn’t want to see me?”

“No Tommy, that’s not it.”

“What is it so?”

“I didn’t know what to expect. I was so afraid of seeing you, and how much it was going to hurt.”

“But you didn’t have to lie, again.” He emphasized the again, and she dropped a tear. “Sorry.”

“That’s what I meant by how much it was going to hurt.”

She walked into the hotel right in front of her and was followed by Tom, who reached her wrist and pulled her closer to another hug.

“Fuck, Y/N. I missed you so much, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. For everything.”

His heart ached while he was holding her. They both started to cry, since it was the first time seeing each other after a very long time. They need to sort things out, to just sit down and talk. But at that moment all they needed was to hold each other for a while, nothing coming out from either of their mouths. The crying was already causing hiccups on both of them. So Tom slightly got away from her and wiped her tears away, but couldn’t help stop crying himself. She sighed and buried her face on his chest, listening to how fast his heart was beating, probably in sync with hers.

“Can we do this somewhere else?” He asked and she nodded, reaching for his hands. They touched softly and their fingers lanced on each other, and Y/N started to drag him to her room.

She called the lift and it came pretty quickly. He was caressing her hands, trying to hold the tears back, this time being successful. Y/N not so much this time, she closed her eyes, trying to hold them back and trying to suppress the pain she was feeling. But the touch of his fingertips somehow made her relax, but even with that, the tears kept coming. The 8th floor, she dragged him out of the lift onto the room 802, where she was staying. No words coming out of their mouths, just the feeling of being with each other. Once they were in, Rose just couldn’t stand up anymore, and she crumbled on the floor, making Tom go down with her to hold her again.

“I’m so sorry Tommy, it’s all my fault. I cheated on our friendship, I made you miserable. I hate myself for that.”

“Shh, it’s okay my love. You’re here, we’re okay.” He comforted her, stroking her hair and leaving a kiss behind.

“I didn’t call in a year, I left with no explanation. I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t either. We’re both idiots, and you should be feeling like shit, because that’s how I feel right now for making you cry.”

“You’ve been breaking my heart since you were born, Holland.” She said now looking at him, and returning the favor he did earlier and wiping away his tears, and caressing his cheeks. He melted into her hand, kissing its palm. “God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too baby.” He said pulling her into his lap, pressing her against his chest. “But why did you lie to me earlier? Didn’t you want to see me?”

“I did, more than anything in the world. But I panicked, and somehow I couldn’t go. And I’m so sorry for that.”

“I forgive you. Only if you forgive me.” She looked at him, and rolled his curls on her fingers.

“Forgive you for what?”

“Not being there when you needed me.” Her heart ached and she started to cry again.

“That remains in the past, alright? I just wanna be with you right now.”

 She sat straight to face him and he kissed her. Lips touching, tongues mixing just as the tears dropping from both of them. It tasted salty, but also tasted like desire and need. The desire and need to be with each other. That made both of them calm down, their lips hadn’t met in a year and it was the thing they missed the most.

She got back, and left a couple of small kisses on his mouth and got up, standing her hand for him to hold and get up. She kissed him again, and his hands went for her waist pulling her closer. He stopped the kiss to get to his phone to tell Harrison he wouldn’t be coming back home, and that he was with Y/N. She pulled him into the bathroom and took her coat and shirt off. He stopped, surprise on whatever she was doing.

“What are you doing?” He asked and she took his shirt off.

“We look like a mess, we need a shower. I wanna feel you for a bit.”

She took the rest of her clothes and so did he. She opened the hot water and pulled him into the shower. After many times, they were comfortable around each other’s bodies. They were home, their favourite place in the whole world. He kissed her again, making her bodies closer than it was possible, hands on her ass, holding them firmly. The water running down their bodies, heating them up from the freezing weather outside. She moved away from him and got the soap, massaging it over his naked body, hands slipping through his back, his chest, arms, and even his ass. He did the same with her, taking a bit longer than she did, feeling her and only her. Even though they desired each other so much, they were in much pain to make it sexual. She took the shampoo and applied a bit on his hair, and so did he, at the same time, making both of their hands be confused and bumping into each other. They shared a laugh for the first time that night. Once they washed it off, he took the conditioner and applied to her hair as she once taught him to. She turned back to the water to wash it off. He pulled her closer again, just to kiss her for a bit more.

“I love you.” He said, making her smile. “I don’t think I’ve told you this before, but I love you. And last time I didn’t and I regret it so much. If I had only told you that I loved you, maybe it would have worked out differently.”

“I love you too. More than anything in this stupid messed up world” She said, and kissed him one more time before they turned the water off and dried themselves with the tower.

 “What am I supposed to wear?” He asked and it made you laugh.

“You can use the same underwear. It seems clean.” She went to pick hers, only a pantie and a tight tank top.

“You can wear my shirt if you want to.”

“Maybe some other day, love.” She said and pulled him into bed.

She was the little spoon and he managed to cover them both. They remained silent, his nose on the back of her neck, smelling the soap and shampoo mix. His breath colliding with her neck, making her body tremble, but somehow relax even more. She loved him, and most importantly, he loved her back. If they had something to solve, they could do it in the morning.

…………………..

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@missmulti