#project idea reminders for myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

md3artjournal · 1 year ago

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9:15 PM 12/2/2023

I've been thinking of giving up on drawing fanart or even human figures. I just don't have the confidence to compete in the fanart space, doing character art. I barely have confidence to promote myself as an artist of my original art that I've already done. And frankly, I've had so many negative experiences in fandom by now, I feel like I've probably burned bridges I don't know about, and people would not only not want my fanart, but actively disdain the idea of any art coming from me because of my fandom opinions. I mean, one of the top artists in that ship blocked me on Tumblr, after all. (Maybe they didn't like that I like Bottomitri? Maybe they found my hidden posts about enjoying a quick laugh out of jokes about DMCL being teasing, tsundere, and/or flirty, but actually preferring headcanoning them differently. I really don't know.) Like, I already have stickers made of one of my favorite claumitri fanarts, but I'm so reluctant to post in the tags to ask if the fandom wants to buy any, because I feel like that fandom hates me (with a few exceptions).

I've been thinking for some time, about rebranding. I'm thinking of focusing on my sketches of my photography. It's mostly photos of my backyard's flowers and the sky. (Maybe I should go out to Angeles National Forest to take some photos of landscapes. I live across the street from there, after all.) After I found out I couldn't make any merch of my tiger sketches, my best illustrations, because they were based on other people's photos, I started taking my own source photos for reference. But the only subjects I have are my backyard. I'm kind of too socially anxious to leave my house for the past several years. But my flower sketches have turned out pretty well. I just wish I had done more. And I also take photos of the sky: clouds, dusk, etc. So I want to start trying to draw sketches of the sky too.

I subscribe to all these YouTube artists who talk about the small business side of being an artist, and I just don't have the guts to do any of the advice they're giving, because I don't have any confidence in my art. Because I don't have any confidence in myself.

I once told someone that I'll probably WANT to return to an office job, by the time I NEED to return to an office job. (Something like that; I can't remember anymore.) I think I need to return to an office job. I mean, I still have money. But not enough to comfortably outsource and invest in stocking items for sales. I try to hit sticker producers' sales, but I couldn't make the last one in time, and what if it takes a while before the next sale like that in my price range? But if I can't stock enough for a store, then do I just give up? But then I'm still stuck with the same problem I had, when I first decided to try to make my living as an artist:

I just can't be happy not doing art. Even if I'm bad at it. I spent so much time at offices, having excess money, secure with employer sponsored medical insurance, and I had everything everyone said I needed to be happy. Yet, I was still self-destructive and my suicidal ideation crept back. Not as bad as during school---I had improved from cutting myself, to simply digging my nails into my skin or clenching my hands in ways that hurt my joints---but I could feel it coming back again. That's when I decided that if I was too tired after work to do art, and art was what I needed to do to feel life was worthwhile, then art needed to be my job.

But I'm just not good at it. Maybe I don't want it enough. Otherwise, wouldn't I be studying and training more? But I just can't get myself to work hard at it. My dad said once that when you're really into something, you'll automatically find yourself working hard at it without trying. Well, I found myself doing that with art in college. But now, I'm not doing that with art anymore. At least, not at the level I should be. There are people studying so hard in their spare time, that they post astronomical leaps in their 1-year-progression posts on social media. I'm not doing that. Why aren't I working as hard as that?

But I can't go back to an office job. I don't want to go back to feeling suicidal. I don't want to go back to school, because that DEFINITELY made me suicidal and self-destructive (at least at those levels). I don't want to go back to feeling that way again.

But I guess I still have suicidal ideation now. One little mistake today with some grownup responsibilities, and my thoughts are already spiraling about how I'm not cut out for being alive. But if I'm not happy while doing art, nor while not doing art, then maybe I really am not cut out for being alive. I've lost the guts to be actively trying to suicide, as I did when I was in school. But maybe I was onto something. But like I said, I still just don't have the guts for anything. But I'm also not cut-out for being alive.

9:34 PM 12/2/2023

Anyway, I just wanted to remind myself to try sketching my sky/cloud photographs.

11:32 PM 12/4/2023

I've started actually browsing how to get a library job. I've talked several times, on an off, throughout my life, about working at a library. Though, technically, I've already worked at a library during college. It was nice. A lot of times throughout my life, but especially during college, the library was the only place I could be. I had too much social anxiety to go to my dorm and all the communal spaces to hang out were social. (One time, I was racing to study for a test, in one of those communal spaces and religious solicitors took up my precious little study time, trying to recruit me. Ugh.) The library was the only place I could go to be undisturbed, sit down, be warm, and rest---Not that they had enough seating for that, most of the time. But it was still a reprieve my my endless walking around campus, because most spaces aren't built for non-social people. When I was little, I used to be a big bookworm, and constantly beg my mom to drive me to the library again and again. But I learned to hate reading in high school, so I thought I couldn't work at the library. All the library job listings required degrees that looked like they entailed a LOT of reading. And I just can't do that anymore. But my elderly mom got a job at the library for a few years a long time ago, despite her lack of a Library Science degree. So lately I've been reconsidering a quiet life with a library job or any unassuming job, with art as my hobby. Maybe art would be better as a hobby. Less pressure to be on parr with the "competition", and more freedom to feel proud of doing better than me from the past. But then the old fears creep in again about a job taking all my time and energy, until I can't do the things that make my life feel worthwhile, and then I'm self-destructive again.

Anyway, I should at least open an Etsy shop and make some more stickers. I'm really leaning towards rebranding. Maybe into multiple brands, to include my figure photography.

After all, since my figure photography keeps winning contests and features online, then doesn't that mean my best art, the art I should be focusing on, is my figure photography? I've been thinking for a while to start a YouTube side channel for my figure photography. I can be objectively aware that my figure photography isn't exactly the best, especially compared to all the other figure photographers out there. But since it keeps winning recognition, doesn't that mean that people like it enough? Maybe I should be doing something with it? Or at least taking it more seriously. I don't even have an Instagram solely focused on my figure photography! I don't even have a DLSR!

There used to be a figure videography channel I loved called fullOanime, who made figure showcase videos that reminded me of the cosplay music videos that I watched a lot of, at that time. Fulloanime deleted all their figure videos and rebranded, but I always wanted to watch videos like that again. I began to want to make figure videography music videos, like cosplay videographers. (For a long time, I WAS a cosplay videographer. Just not the ones with gyroscopes, making music videos. I just documented cosplay gatherings.) Something for myself to rewatch, the way I used to repeatedly rewatch fullOanime's figure showcases. So often, I see the Nendoroid YouTubers I Follow, talk about how no one is watching their unboxing videos. So even though people have told me that my collection is diverse enough to make a good unboxing channel, I've felt reluctant. (But mostly because i like taking my time, documenting my unboxings for myself, so i can be sure if any damage or missing pieces were like that straight out of the box. I dontwant to redirect focuson turning unboxing into a video, versus documentationfir my records. But also others make it sound hopeless. I don'tneed more of that feeling.) And even the ones doing figure showcases, just aren't using the rewatchable style that fullOanime or cosplay videographers do. It's usually just the figure spinning on a rotating pedestal. Granted, some Nendoroid showcase channels I'm subscribed to, do that well. But I am craving a showcase that is just as interesting as a cosplay music video. I want those videos back, to rewatch over and over, like cosplay music videos or fullOanime's figure showcases. But it's becoming increasingly clear that I guess I'll have to do it myself. But I'm not a film editor! I used to draw comics and people from the animation college would compliment it as "storyboards", but it's been a LONG time since I lost that skill.

So should I make a figure photography YouTube channel about DIY miniature crafts for photoshoot props? Because I do that too. Not to the extent of diorama makers and the figure photographers who assemble entire miniature model buildings from scratch. But just the simple stuff. …Maybe I should make a channel about lazy miniature crafts and the most simple diorama backdrops? lol

Basically, i wonder if I'd be better off with art as just a hobby. I love seeing other artists doing well with their business and making beautiful things. But i don't enjoy knowing that's the bar i have to reach to make a living. Because i can't do it.

#just my typical catastrophizing #project idea reminders for myself #processing thoughts #ramblings #please ignore my idiocy #maybe i dont like art enough?��#quitting art

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