#maybe i dont like art enough?😥

[md3artjournal]

9:15 PM 12/2/2023

I've been thinking of giving up on drawing fanart or even human figures. I just don't have the confidence to compete in the fanart space, doing character art. I barely have confidence to promote myself as an artist of my original art that I've already done. And frankly, I've had so many negative experiences in fandom by now, I feel like I've probably burned bridges I don't know about, and people would not only not want my fanart, but actively disdain the idea of any art coming from me because of my fandom opinions. I mean, one of the top artists in that ship blocked me on Tumblr, after all. (Maybe they didn't like that I like Bottomitri? Maybe they found my hidden posts about enjoying a quick laugh out of jokes about DMCL being teasing, tsundere, and/or flirty, but actually preferring headcanoning them differently. I really don't know.) Like, I already have stickers made of one of my favorite claumitri fanarts, but I'm so reluctant to post in the tags to ask if the fandom wants to buy any, because I feel like that fandom hates me (with a few exceptions).

I've been thinking for some time, about rebranding. I'm thinking of focusing on my sketches of my photography. It's mostly photos of my backyard's flowers and the sky. (Maybe I should go out to Angeles National Forest to take some photos of landscapes. I live across the street from there, after all.) After I found out I couldn't make any merch of my tiger sketches, my best illustrations, because they were based on other people's photos, I started taking my own source photos for reference. But the only subjects I have are my backyard. I'm kind of too socially anxious to leave my house for the past several years. But my flower sketches have turned out pretty well. I just wish I had done more. And I also take photos of the sky: clouds, dusk, etc. So I want to start trying to draw sketches of the sky too.

I subscribe to all these YouTube artists who talk about the small business side of being an artist, and I just don't have the guts to do any of the advice they're giving, because I don't have any confidence in my art. Because I don't have any confidence in myself.

I once told someone that I'll probably WANT to return to an office job, by the time I NEED to return to an office job. (Something like that; I can't remember anymore.) I think I need to return to an office job. I mean, I still have money. But not enough to comfortably outsource and invest in stocking items for sales. I try to hit sticker producers' sales, but I couldn't make the last one in time, and what if it takes a while before the next sale like that in my price range? But if I can't stock enough for a store, then do I just give up? But then I'm still stuck with the same problem I had, when I first decided to try to make my living as an artist:

I just can't be happy not doing art. Even if I'm bad at it. I spent so much time at offices, having excess money, secure with employer sponsored medical insurance, and I had everything everyone said I needed to be happy. Yet, I was still self-destructive and my suicidal ideation crept back. Not as bad as during school---I had improved from cutting myself, to simply digging my nails into my skin or clenching my hands in ways that hurt my joints---but I could feel it coming back again. That's when I decided that if I was too tired after work to do art, and art was what I needed to do to feel life was worthwhile, then art needed to be my job.

But I'm just not good at it. Maybe I don't want it enough. Otherwise, wouldn't I be studying and training more? But I just can't get myself to work hard at it. My dad said once that when you're really into something, you'll automatically find yourself working hard at it without trying. Well, I found myself doing that with art in college. But now, I'm not doing that with art anymore. At least, not at the level I should be. There are people studying so hard in their spare time, that they post astronomical leaps in their 1-year-progression posts on social media. I'm not doing that. Why aren't I working as hard as that?

But I can't go back to an office job. I don't want to go back to feeling suicidal. I don't want to go back to school, because that DEFINITELY made me suicidal and self-destructive (at least at those levels). I don't want to go back to feeling that way again.

But I guess I still have suicidal ideation now. One little mistake today with some grownup responsibilities, and my thoughts are already spiraling about how I'm not cut out for being alive. But if I'm not happy while doing art, nor while not doing art, then maybe I really am not cut out for being alive. I've lost the guts to be actively trying to suicide, as I did when I was in school. But maybe I was onto something. But like I said, I still just don't have the guts for anything. But I'm also not cut-out for being alive.

9:34 PM 12/2/2023

Anyway, I just wanted to remind myself to try sketching my sky/cloud photographs.

11:32 PM 12/4/2023

I've started actually browsing how to get a library job. I've talked several times, on an off, throughout my life, about working at a library. Though, technically, I've already worked at a library during college. It was nice. A lot of times throughout my life, but especially during college, the library was the only place I could be. I had too much social anxiety to go to my dorm and all the communal spaces to hang out were social. (One time, I was racing to study for a test, in one of those communal spaces and religious solicitors took up my precious little study time, trying to recruit me. Ugh.) The library was the only place I could go to be undisturbed, sit down, be warm, and rest---Not that they had enough seating for that, most of the time. But it was still a reprieve my my endless walking around campus, because most spaces aren't built for non-social people. When I was little, I used to be a big bookworm, and constantly beg my mom to drive me to the library again and again. But I learned to hate reading in high school, so I thought I couldn't work at the library. All the library job listings required degrees that looked like they entailed a LOT of reading. And I just can't do that anymore. But my elderly mom got a job at the library for a few years a long time ago, despite her lack of a Library Science degree. So lately I've been reconsidering a quiet life with a library job or any unassuming job, with art as my hobby. Maybe art would be better as a hobby. Less pressure to be on parr with the "competition", and more freedom to feel proud of doing better than me from the past. But then the old fears creep in again about a job taking all my time and energy, until I can't do the things that make my life feel worthwhile, and then I'm self-destructive again.

Anyway, I should at least open an Etsy shop and make some more stickers. I'm really leaning towards rebranding. Maybe into multiple brands, to include my figure photography.

After all, since my figure photography keeps winning contests and features online, then doesn't that mean my best art, the art I should be focusing on, is my figure photography? I've been thinking for a while to start a YouTube side channel for my figure photography. I can be objectively aware that my figure photography isn't exactly the best, especially compared to all the other figure photographers out there. But since it keeps winning recognition, doesn't that mean that people like it enough? Maybe I should be doing something with it? Or at least taking it more seriously. I don't even have an Instagram solely focused on my figure photography! I don't even have a DLSR!

There used to be a figure videography channel I loved called fullOanime, who made figure showcase videos that reminded me of the cosplay music videos that I watched a lot of, at that time. Fulloanime deleted all their figure videos and rebranded, but I always wanted to watch videos like that again. I began to want to make figure videography music videos, like cosplay videographers. (For a long time, I WAS a cosplay videographer. Just not the ones with gyroscopes, making music videos. I just documented cosplay gatherings.) Something for myself to rewatch, the way I used to repeatedly rewatch fullOanime's figure showcases. So often, I see the Nendoroid YouTubers I Follow, talk about how no one is watching their unboxing videos. So even though people have told me that my collection is diverse enough to make a good unboxing channel, I've felt reluctant. (But mostly because i like taking my time, documenting my unboxings for myself, so i can be sure if any damage or missing pieces were like that straight out of the box. I dontwant to redirect focuson turning unboxing into a video, versus documentationfir my records. But also others make it sound hopeless. I don'tneed more of that feeling.) And even the ones doing figure showcases, just aren't using the rewatchable style that fullOanime or cosplay videographers do. It's usually just the figure spinning on a rotating pedestal. Granted, some Nendoroid showcase channels I'm subscribed to, do that well. But I am craving a showcase that is just as interesting as a cosplay music video. I want those videos back, to rewatch over and over, like cosplay music videos or fullOanime's figure showcases. But it's becoming increasingly clear that I guess I'll have to do it myself. But I'm not a film editor! I used to draw comics and people from the animation college would compliment it as "storyboards", but it's been a LONG time since I lost that skill.

So should I make a figure photography YouTube channel about DIY miniature crafts for photoshoot props? Because I do that too. Not to the extent of diorama makers and the figure photographers who assemble entire miniature model buildings from scratch. But just the simple stuff. …Maybe I should make a channel about lazy miniature crafts and the most simple diorama backdrops? lol

Basically, i wonder if I'd be better off with art as just a hobby. I love seeing other artists doing well with their business and making beautiful things. But i don't enjoy knowing that's the bar i have to reach to make a living. Because i can't do it.

[nidailylife]

8.13.2023. I feel like i keep venting too much on my main blog, forgetting i have this sideblog.

My main blog is supposed to be about fandom stuff. ...Unfortunately, a lot of my meltdowns and mental crisises are about famdom stuff. (I dont have too much else in my life. Too much social anxiety.) I must be scaring people on my fandom blog. No wonder even some of my favorite arists blocked me. 😥

Maybe i just need to get back to journaling offline. But it can be a hassel to boot up my computer. And once i turn it on, i often forget to turn it off. It's going to wear out too soon. Sometimes it's just easier to write on Tumblr. It's been so much more dependable than other apps I've tried in the past. Apps that lost everything when my phone died. Like all those notes i took of my symptoms when the pandemic first started. I wish i could still reference those. So many habit trackers that just got bugs and messed up my notes too. Tumblr is just more reliable. And it's not like I'm followed by non-bots anyway (except for maybe like 2 or 4 people). Maybe i should just have a private Tumblr for my journalling and venting. But i never remember the passwords for private sideblogs. And writing my hand is unsustainable for me. There's always too much i want to write and not enough stamina in my hands.

Anyway, i got really annoyed over a fictional character, almost for the entirity of yesterday. I dont want to delete my ranting posts, because those are important personal fandom records for me. But it's also pretty ridiculous, embarassing, and unnecessarily hostile. But you cant Archive tag search private posts. So i went back and hid all my ranting posts under cuts. I just hope leaving my rants posted publically doesn't make me the infamous crazy fangirl they talk about behind my back or on other platforms. ...But it's alwaysba possibikity because I AM a crazy fangirl.

I just feel so stuck as an artist, when all i want to draw and make merch for is my OTP...but Ive probably destroyed my reputation in the fandom. I can't be confident about opening an online shop or selling stickers or especially networking and advertising my art/merch, when i know the fandom i make art for, probably hates me, ON TOP of my illustration skills being objectively bad. But "small business artist" is my only career/financial option right now. And I'm destroying it by expressing my fandom.

The other day, someone poated a list of things to do to have a good reputation online, for small business artists, or maybe it was for people in general. One point was to not post opinions about anything (especially political). I'm a human being. Is that really possible to do?

I keep thinking about rebranding, separating my past fangirl self from my art business. But i hit a wall when i realized almost all my art is attached to my fandoms. Even if i changed my online name brand, it'd be too easy to anyone to find my art also on my art blog or fangirling blog, then realize i eas that crazy fangirl with a ruined reputation. How can i feel confident, sinking hundreds of dillars, making merch out of my fanart, and then advertising it to the corresponding fandom communities, when even a rebrand may not save me. I used to be so hopeful that a rebrand could free me from all my worries. But if you need to advertise your art, it's too easy to use that very art to track my old identity. I really feel trapped and stuck, and unable to move.

...But i guess that's usual with my frequently catastrophizing brain. I still dont know what to do tho. Im still too afraid to open that online shop or advertise my merch.

I think about rebranding to only my original art, cut ties with fandom when it comes to my small art business. But I've watched too many marketing vids to know that not piggybacking off a preexisting community, is the opposite of smart. ...but ive ruined my rep with them...i think...

Just feeling trapped. Paralyzed. Too afraid.

And journalling on Tumblr. Tho even that is stressing me out, in a way, too, i guess.

[sylviethewizard]

ii was tagged by @humanovoid 1)  Nicknames –  uhhhh everyone calls me like sylvo or idk my art teacher sometimes calls me ms. slyvie idk ive been called t’hy’la in the past by a cute boy 2.) Gender – idk lol i use she / her or they / them pronouns but I’m v genderfluid 3.) Star sign – cancer 4.) Height – im 5 foot 8 ish 5.) Time – 9 pm!!! 6.) Birthday – july 13th!! 7.) Favourite band – KASABIAN or as noel fielding says,,,kass a bein 8.) Favourite solo artist – idk at the moment im screamin abt sufjan bc my REECE made me but idk a popular artist I like mayb lorde or Florence they’re neat 9.) Song stuck in my head – Portuguese Knife Fight by cage the elephant 10.) Last movie you watched – The dark crystal I think,,, 11.) Last show you watched – rick and morty :/// 12.) When did I create my blog – dec 2011!!! In like seventh grade 13.) What do I post – lately its been spirk and pink aesthetic shit and just….memes n anime bullshit 14) Last thing I googled – “Halloween town 4 title” (it’s Return to Halloween Town) 15.) Do you have other blogs – I have a pink aesthetic blog I haven’t used since like 2013 it’s like??? My-cat-says-hi or something 17.) Why did you choose your url – i honestly don’t know but I sorta regret it bc I feel like everyone expects me to like Harry Potter but I DONT but also it’s,,, idk I use it for everything now (like snapchat intsagram and twitter if u wanna follow that shit) 18.) Following – idk I’m too lazy to look but I know half of them arent active anymore and it’s like over a thousand lol 19.) Followers –  727 💕 20.) Favourite colours – pink ,,yellow and recently periwinkle 21.) Average hours of sleep – like 4 lately but I sleep a lot normally like I’ll sleep through tornados and shit 22.) Lucky number – 13 I guess but I don’t think it’s actually lucky lol 23.) Instruments I played – oboe !! 24.) What am I wearing –  a black long sleeve shirt and black ripped skinny jeans cause I’m so goddamn edgy lol and NO SHOES even tho I’m out in public rn 25.) How many blankets I sleep with – right now three, a white fleece one,, a small FLUFFY white fleece electric blanket which usually isn’t on while I’m actually asleep but guarantees a cat will come sleep w/ me cause warm,, and a quilt 26.) Dream job – Idk maybe an artist but I don’t think I’d be good enough so maybe,,, idk I’ll just scream 27.) Dream trip – just ??? The woods somewhere with friends and the moon and midnight hikes and campfire truth or dare 28.) Favourite food – olives??? Idk always has been olives 29.) Nationality - hhhh im ,,american 😥 30) favourite song - anything by kasabian or i do margot and the nuclear so sos anyway woa guess tag @saturmime @drunkengoat @derpythewolf @dare-g