#probably would have cheered me on
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
whenever me and my therapist talk about how other people perceive me she always says there's nothing negative, only that i come across as "distanced and slightly cold" (hard to translate the german term but it's not negative) which okay anna sure, if i am so nice then why did 99% of the people who interacted with me ended up contributing to my trauma???
like of course i'm fucking distanced and cold now, i don't want anyone to do that shit to me again. everyone wanted me to be like this so i would stop bothering them, so they could try to forget about my horrible existence that was so unbearable it made them try to erase it.
#alex yells at the void#vent post#i just want people to leave me alone but even that was too much to ask for#they had to hurt me to cope with me daring to exist in their vicinity#i was either a fun little plaything they could torture or someone so bad and disgusting they wouldn't have cared if i'd killed myself#right there in front of them#probably would have cheered me on#im glad my brain is refusing to let me remember almost all of it. only good thing life ever gave me was a severe dissociative disorder#what a sentence
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think marinette is worse at resting when she's sick but adrien is worse at sitting things out if he's injured. i have no explanation, these are just the vibes
#ml#marinette dupain cheng#adrien agreste#okay i lied i do have justifications#adrien probably just. would love being taken care of if he's sick#it's maybe something his mom used to do but not ENOUGH#and marinette would absolutely spoil him#but marinette is all I AM FINE IT IS JUST A COLD I AM FINE meanwhile she nearly falls off a rooftop in a dizzy spell#but adrien hate being kept away from ppl he loves. hates not being able to protect them. and an injury is more long-term and isolating#meanwhile...idk marinette feels to me like an injurt would leave her more defeated. she'd feel like she failed somehow#like she is SUPPOSED to be ladybug she is SUPPOSED to keep herself together to keep the city safe#so i think that would take a lot of her energy she'd be frustrated about it yes but also sort of...admit defeat#adrien would find ways to cheer her up though 🥺
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so it’s very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that they’re not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world it’s such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously it’s important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might not���“it’s hard! it’s scary! people will make fun of me! it’s useless because there’s too much evil!” are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesn’t get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
1K notes
·
View notes
Text
one thing i am really noticing on this rewatch is how long it takes for silver to start looking like silver. seeing him in (especially in the early part of) s1 always feels so jarring to me idk why but with everyone else already having their Look down (character driven style pivots of flint and eleanor nonwithstanding) he still feels very Unformed.
idk if thats just me on my nth rewatch projecting my foregone conclusions and opinions abt him as a character on him but i do think even w the change he undergoes being a very gradual one (unlike the previously mentioned pivot of eleanor from Pirate Boss to Ladywife or flints buzzcut of grief and political radicalisation), there is a definitive period where he is not yet locked in, so to speak.
i think what gets me as 'not silver yet' is him being clean shaven and that he wears light colours but genuinely. thats a chameleon still deciding which colour to turn while it watches the room and once hes decided with whom to side he commits not only to a 'personality' but also to a wardrobe style which in his case is first unassuming dark clothes and growing his hair and beard and then slowly bit by bit hes adding details like necklaces and rings and starts wearing his hair differently etc until he ends in his Coat Era once he starts to assume real power as he begins the transformation from 'john silver' into 'long john silver'
#black sails#john silver#once again im turning my own tags into a post bc i have many thoughts that have v little to do w the post under which im having them#and i also want to elaborate so here u go.#im still in s1 rn so correct me if im wrong but i cant remember a post s1 scene of silver in a light shirt like.#whoever he was before he decided to take the cooks place was someone who wore white and blue#both colours noticeably absent later iirc#bc as silver he wears mostly browns and greens#he also didnt accessorise much as a Proper Sailor which is probably due in part to dress regulations but i bet it is also character driven#i always felt like the man he was on parrish's ship was a happy smiler :) bc in the beginning he still smiles on reflex when ppl look at hi#and a man w a simple cheerful disposition would have a simple cheerful look without any frilly details so to speak#listen idek where im going w this. its not like this is in any way new information but i am on this site to talk to myself so.#cavetext
107 notes
·
View notes
Text
Jinx’s eyes and lost innocence
This sequence.
A bomb like she made in her youth. Except that unlike then, this one works, this one explodes… With paint and glitter and powder, instead of intending to kill or hurt.
The man who shielded himself from it sure that it would be his end, surprised, checking himself for wounds with disbelief, covered in paint, as if it was just some harmless prank. Relief. But the second surprise comes with the sound of the gun behind him. We see their eyes shift, both of them, her steeling and readying her shot without urgency and him understanding with urgency that yes, he is going to die, at her hand, and the bomb was just a fluke, a cruel prank, a distraction at best.
And this. These are the seconds that interest me, what ties it all together. The way we linger. The way she lingers. To, during a fight scene, slow down the pace to watch her face as she pulls the trigger and feels the recoil of her gun, watch her take in how she just took another life, watch her mouth part and her eyelids flutter when she notices the kid.
There are not enough emotions on her face for someone who just killed, but also there are more than there should be for a cold-blooded killer showing as much practice ease as she is. Does she always have this moment when killing someone? Did seeing her paint bomb go off, shooting someone covered in her paint and glitter of it, make her feel anything? Did she see the change in her that empowered her that she both loathes and clings onto in that split moment, too? Why did she even remake that first bomb? Why make it work and make it work to shoot off harmless fun showy things? Why indulge in this remnant of her past, why with that innocent intent intact stills if it didn’t get warped with the use of distracting an enemy to better sneak attack? Why taint that memory? Is the reaction only when she sees the kid?
Why does the camera linger, why does she linger? We’re not sure, and I’m sure she herself doesn’t know, but what we know is that she’s changed, and yeah, we’re low.
The kid, watching the fresh corpse fall, with curiosity more than anything.
Jinx with the gun gesture, reflecting their earlier conversation, referencing it. A shared secret, shared smirks, a relationship forming. Complicity. Jinx is knowingly or not taking her under her wing, shaping her by example like mentorship. A little girl that she resembled once getting desensitized to violence at her hand, encouraged to see killing positively. Empowering.
Episode 2 explores her past and upbringing in many ways, talking about Silco, her many mistakes, seeking out Sevika the last remnant of a person of her life with him and sticking with her, doing something for her despite knowing she should be betraying her any minute now. But fast forward to episode 3, the next time she has to confront it and herself.
Jinx praises Vi for finally using the right name for her, Jinx, and Vi talks about how she’ll kill her so she stops sullying the memory of Powder, blahblahblah. They exchange some punches and rows of bullets, we see Jinx’s eyes take in and calculate and shift here too, react and then react. Vi using the same mirror Caitlyn shot into intending to kill Jinx to shield herself from Jinx’s shot.
But this is it. When Vi uses her huge metal hextech fists to rip her invention, her gun, apart. Jinx is not the only one sullying memories, Vi is here, as an enforcer for Piltover, using Vander’s choice of weapon, and she uses it to hurt her, destroy her things, her inventions whose worth was such a source of insecurity and identity growing up.
This is when Jinx sees so very closely, at the other end of it, her sister’s rage and murderous intent as she rips metal apart.
We see her expression shift again and again during these few shots and the ones before and after. Her face as she watches Vi’s through the wires of her gun. As Vi roars. She grows less confident, less sure, more nervous, dare I say more fearful.
The music kicking up. Jinx’s face right then cutting to Jayce’s with a very similar expression, staring at something he doesn’t understand. "What have we done" he says.
Vi has always always been stronger than Jinx, inventions were how she made herself strong, and Vi can destroy them, Vi can rip metal apart.
And oh. Oh. This is truly really for real now. A fight to the death. No punches pulled.
She crawls away from Vi and it’s only the hextech malfunction that saves her.
Sevika smiles at Caitlyn biting her hand, with newfound respect as she draws blood. At her will, her bloodthirst, how far she’ll lower herself to hurt and fight. This is a scene about corruption arcs.
Jinx stands before Vi whose symbol of corruption just failed her, chained her to the ground vulnerable, and Jinx pulls the trigger just like Caitlyn, just like Vi was ready to do. No punches pulled.
Except they are. Jinx has steeled herself but Vi is softening. Vi is strong but she is vulnerable too and she can be made weak with Jinx’s guns and bombs.
And despite this when Jinx falls from her own weapon misfiring at a shot meant to kill her Vi is reaching out to catch, not hurt. Hold, not claw. Deflect, not counter.
Push, not punch.
Jinx’s eye shines pink like shimmer and this is when Vi shifts on the offensive, just before Jinx fires the shot that barelly misses her as she throws Jinx roughly at a wall.
And now they’ve fully switched places. The longer Vi has to fight Jinx the more she’s conflicted, the more Jinx loses herself to the fight the more she rages.
The chorus swells. "Just when you’ve done it all / you will turn it all / to ashes and blood" No words left to say, nothing left to mend.
She’s ready to die when she lunges at Vi with only her fists, she expects to die, hopes so. Knows from experience their respective results in that punching arcade game full well, even if she were to try with all her might, having tried all her might. She’s felt cursed by fate for a long time and she accepts it, just wants to go out with the most fireworks, to have been seen, to have mattered one way or another.
Vi punches the altar next to Jinx even as she’s got her pinned down defenseless and she readies her fist. And she has all the time to do it, she could have done it, except she couldn’t. And it costs them the chance to killl her.
The scene as a whole has a split focus on Jayce, Jinx and Vi centrally, and the song lyrics match that quite well. The full ones lyrics are worth looking at but to keep it quick: "How does it feel to reach the line that no one ever got to cross? Does it make you a god now?" A rethoric question of course, the song spells it out like it’s a damning wake-up call. The scene is all about regret. Our choices have led us here, it says. Jayce is dreading and afraid of what he’s done, Jinx is empty and as self-loathing as ever, Vi wants to stop blaming herself and is still conflicted on what side she should be on. "Catch the fire burning out your soul / Just make it die or you will turn it all / To ashes and blood" Jinx, accepting this is where she dies. She’s said in episode two she wants to kill the last of her family, but we all know it’s a lie, she’s never wanted to destroy and break things, never wanted to cause ashes and blood. She wants to fix things. She wants things to fix. She just wanted glitter bombs and arcade games. She wants there to be something left she can fix, but it’s all just dust now.
Jinx has never been in that place before, she took the time to draw all those Powders and Vis on pillars while waiting for her to show up so they can kill each other. She’s lingering on the past again, bringing it into the now to use it as a stage for battle.
Jayce is reckoning with the consequences of what he’s created and done, that he might cause a lot of ashes and blood. Vi being corrupted too, by Piltover, by rage, by Jinx, by Powder. Vi is being turned to ashes and blood, this is what jinx has made of her, what she’s made of herself. Vi is being corrupted too, by Piltover, by rage, by Jinx, by Powder. Vi has changed, too. Their whole society, their whole lives, their world figuratively and literally, it’s all crumbling.
"Every sin will be forgiven / If you lay down your weapons to the ground" But that’s not really how this works, is it. Jayce or Jinx can’t fix what they’ve done. Vi can’t say this, can’t fix her. No, they’ve dug their graves and the ground is where they’ll all be. Powder is dead.
Just when you think you’ve lost everything. Everything can get ruined and marred a little more, always. The past is not only in the past, it’s here and it’s haunting. Jinx will keep sullying the memory of Powder for Vi and Vi will keep tainting Jinx’s memories of her sister and their childhood.
#Arcane#jinx#vi#Scene analysis#Meta#Spoilers#arcane spoilers#arcane s2#arcane s2 spoilers#If it were your usual action fight scene having successfully shot the enemy would have been both over and done with and a resounding cheer#Inhale YOU WERE BORN BLUER THAN A BUTTERFLY / BEAUTIFUL AND SO DEPRIVED OF OXYGEN#I don’t hate you but I can’t saveee youuuu……#Lingeringggg in the past ohhhhhhhh#Analysis#Me eating my words from literally yesterday that i probably wouldn’t find much to say analysis wise#Arcane staff: how much meaning can we pack into 20 seconds? Also Arcane staff: yes#I love overanalyzing micro expressions#Fumi rambles
68 notes
·
View notes
Text
Concept art wip part 1
Body types ~
All of the types are elven size no human!
From left to right:
Normal slim-normal buff-young celebrimbor-tall slim-tall buff-maedhros
Listen I'm having a blast with this project!!!
I make for @dfwbwfbbwfbwf very detailed-over-multiple-week-made Armor and Weapon post here !
Since I really like those game concepts arts I make my own but with feanor and his sons
But to make the whole thing easier and fun looking I make on big template I can reuse and then show off the different characters !
Something like this :
Yeah can you even see something here??
So that I can put enough details in I need to "just" tape 4 Din A 4 pages (average paper size) together or two of my din A 3. So it is going to be huge xD
I never made such a big piece of art before but I have a good plan and I will draw the different part separately and then put them on the final papers.
I can't stress enough how much joy this brings me.
Sadly it's winter season so I have alot of work to do.
The good part is with that template I can draw many different characters rather faster and all would have a similar style!
#silmarillion#traditional art#art wip#this is probably just interesting for a few very obsessed people in the silm fandom#i love this project but im worried people will lose interest because it will take a while#and the finished pic definitely will look on the pc the best because of size issues#if you want write in the comments who would have wich body type#exept for celebrimbor and maedhros#the body types can be reused#also please tell me that those poses look good like can you belive i never drew a male body 2 months ago??!#i could use the extra cheering after my double soup accident and a bad work week!#btw i love how maedhros sticks out like a sore thumb
28 notes
·
View notes
Note
What physical part(s) of Arsay does her partners find the most attractive! Is it the same for all partners or does it differ between them?
(also optional bonus ask of what part(s) of/about Arsay generally do they love the most, physical or not!)
Meanwhile, if you were to ask the same of Arsay:
#ffxiv#wolship#g'raha tia#y'shtola rhul#wolgraha#wolshtola#y'shtola x wol#arsay nun#graharshtola#y'shtola calling arsay a pain in her side is very much an affectionate thing btw#and i couldnt pass up the joke of g'raha giving the sweet gentlemanly response only for yshtola to be like 'tits tbh'#her defaulting to an answer that would probably stop the conversation before she has to talk to much about her deeper feelings imo#i have. a lot of feelings about yshtola and arsay's friendship#someone who is constantly trying to build walls between herself and others vs someone who desperately wants to form real connections#its not a 'wearing that person down' type situation either#just one lonely person seeing another lonely person and hoping that they could be less lonely together#or that she could at least bring some cheer to#and idk yshtola strikes me as the type to have been like 'if they want to be my friend they have to work for it'#which arsay certainly did#i could ramble on and on how their friendship lines up so well with yshtolas character development but theres a limit to these tags#so just look at how cute shtola is with the slightest blush on her cheeks#graha is a much more complicated topic since he went from Extreme adoration to I want to be her friend but I dont think im good enough#to 100% Hero worship again to Shes my hero and I love her to Shes a person and I love her#to I love Arsay. Even the parts she can't love in herself. I will love all of her till my dying breath.#he thinks shes the most beautiful person in the world and the most important thing in his life#but he now knows how insane she's been about being everyone's hero and he really doesnt want to feed that beast#so hes trying to build her up in other ways#focusing more on the adventuring side than the saving the world side#and then there is arsay who loves so much about her partners and is in capable of narrowing it down to any one thing so its#'here let me list everything that comes to mind right now' with 0 shame or filter
46 notes
·
View notes
Text
Yesterday I've been doing some proper physical exercise for the first time since last year and I'm just imagining how proud my f/os would be of me🥹
#it was just a 20 minute beginners home workout and I can feel every muscle in my body now but I think they'd be so happy I pushed through!#I've had particularly Heinz and Maximilian on my mind I think they would be sooo happy that I'm trying to take better care of myself💖#Heinz because he's always there anyway of course but I kind of imagine Max is probably overall the fittest out of my f/os#he seems like the kind of guy who'd want to be an example for his soldiers and always hold himself to the same standards as them#he'd be so supportive and cheer me on and be proud of me every time I get myself to do something😭💖💖#I've never particularly enjoyed doing sports (aside horse riding but in the past year I didn't have time anymore for that bc of uni😭😭)#so I didn't really do anything anymore after I finished school#I started doing simple home workouts last year but in winter my mental health went a little📉 and then I had no motivation to keep going#dunno how long I'll go through with it this time but better than nothing I guess#again with the home workouts lmao bc driving to the nearest gym ain't worth the time for me and I'd need some basic fitness first anyway#I'm doing it mainly for health reasons but this time I'm also motivated to actually get a bit stronger#I don't mind looking like a stick figure and I'm overall content with my body (maybe it could help me to look a bit more masc tho?👀👀)#but I know especially for my posture and such it would be good if my muscles were just a tad bit more developed#my mum was proud of me too when I told her about it hehe :) she works in healthcare she's always a little concerned#she's just a little worried about me getting health issues when I'm older that could be avoided by taking proper care of my body now#I get where she's coming from but it's not easy but at least I'm motivated to try again now :)#selnia talks
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
I love Decked Out for so many reasons; the build itself is beautiful, the gameplay is fun and engaging, Tango deserves it, the competition is thrilling and the deck-building strategy is intriguing. But by far my favourite aspect of the game is how it has brought the Hermits together.
There are almost always Hermits hanging out in the Citadel, and they gather in numbers for the phase rankings reveal and shard distribution. Tango watches as many runs as he can. It is ridiculous fun to see them all interacting and talking and laughing together.
#the hermits built themselves a babysitting room on the first day#they worked together to build somewhere they can hang out while they wait#with games#and then worked together to design a smart cycling queuing system#Gem hangs out at the Citadel regularly#even once she doesn't have any shards left#just to hang out with her friends#and everyone cheers on each other#and teases each other too#and they discuss card choices#i love Pearl's run compilations#but not seeing any of the interactions that surely happen around them makes me a little sad#I would totally watch 4-plus hour compilations that include some banter#although now that I think about it#she probably streams them#so i could watch the vods#oops#too busy watching Tango's vods lol#hermitcraft#decked out 2#minecraft yt#Tango Tek#hermitcraft season 9
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
Kaiju Number 8 Incorrect Quotes <take 6>
*depressed Iharu sitting on a bench* *Aoi and Haruichi come over and sit on either side of him* *Few minutes of silence later* Haruichi: Wah nee nah nu nee nu nee nu Wah nee nah nu nee nu nee nu- Aoi: *Starts thumping out the beat on the wall behind them* Iharu: . . . Iharu: SHE'S GOT A SMILE THAT SEEMS TO ME, REMINDS ME OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES-!
#Heard this on the radio on the way home from work#Mind immediately went to the Pitch Perfect version#Tried to picture this with Iharu and Reno#One version and Reno singing and the other had Iharu doing it.#I thought about and That wouldn't be a thing to cheer up Reno and Reno would just take Iharu to the movies instead#Then I thought “ Nah lets give the RGB trio some lovin.”#A lot of the Ed photos have them all together/ they were all shown in the first few frames of the first episode#they just seem like that kind of good friends/ lots of people put them together platonically.#Iharu would absolutely have a guns and roses tattoo#he would look like a wooden desktop on its 5th tour of a middle school back row if Japan didn't give tattoos a horrible stigma.#covered shoulders to treasure trail in ink#hell: if someone who worked on the manga told me he had a secret d*ck tat I would probably believe them.#wow I haven't done one of these in a while#kaiju no. 8#iharu furuhashi#aoi kaguragi#haruichi izumo#inncorrect quotes#kn8
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
billions also comedy gold presenting winston as a scapegoat for abuse culture fans when it's like but hey it can't be actual scapegoating if you Enjoy It or consider it Justified or experience Reassurance from Its Opportunity For A Group Cohesion Substitute For A Cohesion Based On An Inherent Equal Degree Of Belonging, The Absence Of Which Allows For, Encourages, Reinforces, & Rewards Scapegoating
it can't be Bullying if someone's Weird or you Just Don't Personally Like Them or Nobody's Actually Stopping You, Maybe At Least If They Don't See Too Much Of It, Maybe Others Are Supporting It
it can't be Abuse if you're just doing things Normally or are Following Rules or Aren't Feeling Malicious And Aren't Getting Divine Revelations Otherwise and probably it's just that a lot of abnormal people are being whiny &/or unfair &/or the Real malicious ones. kinda just like how that scapegoat is the real person ruining everything and really just forcing you to treat them like this
#might note hardly limited to billions; the series doing bog standard suffocatingly common [Being Normal can't be abusive] replication#nor is their Unaware Replication Of [it can't be ableist if i'm not reacting to ppl who walked up & said Hi I'm Autistic]#well abuse & traumatic treatment can't be Everywhere. like how umm sexism can't be everywhere. neither can white supremacy. ableism. cmon.#oh please not everything can be political. Just Be Normal. which makes it ''apolitical.''#now we all agree abuse can't ever be made palatable; insulated; easy. now ppl doing it never said it wasn't That bad.#if they did they must have been maliciously lying. whereas when i say it can't have been That bad; i mean it :)#and if that person says it was; well they must be lying. or clueless. or a pussy. or scheming to destroy me. Must be. Gotta#& we wouldn't be able to look around & see contexts of imbalance. who's vulnerable. who's life gets smaller. who's supported automatically#who's supported if someone even posits they May have done anything like No; Impossible; now instantly definitely get their ass#you can just go on all day about the ''um i'm just the Realistic Normality vessel'' arguments made boundlessly in bad faith#being like ohh Everyday Interactions / ''Normal'' Semi/Public Situations Can't Be Uncomfortable Imbalanced Dangerous Abusive....#if they are that must be So Rare & created only by Rare Bad Actors with Malicious Mens Rea (itself a great concept to make any act Okay)#something framed as Extreme must be an outlier. could never be part of everyone's everyday life & some much more than others.#could never be what's defined as Normal (associated with Superiority) like how Abuse can't be shit i'd think of as Normal#like how damn if ya don't just wanna kill the autistic coworker and everyone agrees & would clap & cheer if you did And That's Great#you'd have to feel Weird / Abnormal about it! b/c Weirdness & Abnormality is what's bad!#like the autism or the cptsd (the Real abuse can only be: inflicting the existence of a victim's survival skills on Superior Normals)#or whatever else gets pathologized with Polite ABA arguments about how it's not ''social skills'' so hide it or suffer the consequences#winston billions#having that perspective too like oh [our blessed successful conformity] [their barbaric xyz Issues]#if the best you can argue for or against smthing is as Normal or Weird respectively like. no. what's behind that door#the authority figure/s who must be supported lest this all crumble. vs the ruinerrrrrr#billions recognizing winston & tuk the next most shitted on would probably get along & have a mutually supportive friendship#billions also recognizing that mutual support better not be Allowed to get that far. lest this all crumble#like look see we Knew it. we knew the bottom tier ppl who don't really belong in the group who we bully & scapegoat are Always Ruining It.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ok I'm going to start rereading ITNL today
This is part of my journey for continuing my great big beast of a project
#speculation nation#itnl shit#ITNL READERS REJOICE!!!!!!! i am taking steps to prepare myself for the experience once again.#now as for when this will actually lead to a chapter posted. um uh. uhm.#depends entirely on how my brain latches onto it and also fucking school. Fucking School.#if it werent for my exams and giant presentation etc etc ykno it'd be pretty alright actually#realistically speaking i probably wont be able to really get to writing for at least another week or so#buuuUuUuUuUUt the GOOD news is that the writing i Do have impending. will be rather exciting for me.#so i have a feeling that 20-22 are going to be written in relatively short succession.#big moments of the fic and all that. ya kno.#But First i must reread the fic. to remind myself of everything that has happened. and to get back into the headspace of itnl vash.#my wonderful guy. hes so frustrating. i love him. hes not going to be doing what Anyone wants him to and thats so fair of him.#anyways uhmmmm if ur excited for this id love to hear about it for writer's encouragement etc etc.#even if it's just a like on my posts about it lol.#getting caught up in my head about it again. ya kno. would love some cheering on if anyone's up for it.#gonna prep some lunch then get to reading WAHOOOO
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Anyway.... Back to what I was pondering earlier today... It's been 4 months but I'm still as deeply obsessed with Exotic Creatures of the Deep as at the very start
#00s sparks albums save me#save me 00s sparks albums#the question of how it's been 4 months already aside#i have decided to name this album my official Mental Breakdown Album TM#so it's a good thing that it doesn't really bring me any unhappy associations. even though it could#because when i started listening to it in early march#it turned out to become one of my lowest periods in the mental well-being sense. like. ever.#it's gotten better though and later i discovered that whenever i got into that slump again#and nothing at all felt like an alluring thing to do and even most music couldn't cheer me up#i still felt like listening to ecotd at least#sometimes you get into specific albums or artists at the exact right moment and this was one of such times for sure#i have so many thoughts about this album but if i tried to write them down#it would probably all just be an illegible mess. one day i'll do it though. or at least try to#as for now i can at least say that the possibly most suffering-inducing (positive) songs for me are strange animal and likeable#i'll never forget the moment i first heard strange animal as part of the from the basement set#what a SONG!!! and that entire performance changed my brain chemistry forever#and. GODDDDDKJHKEFLJMKBELKPJ... LIKEABLE!!!#the connection i feel on some metaphysical level to that song the melody the instrumentation the lyrics#is way beyond what words can explain. or i'm just bad at putting these kind of things into words#it's soooo oooughhggahgh.....#also i don't know exactly how it happened#but i can't believe etc immediately became my most listened to song according to my last fm (which i made around then)#and it has stayed in that spot ever since#ok that's my sparks madness talk for today. i'll probably never be normal about them. not that i even want to#sparks am i right. goddddd#goosepost
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry i haven't been giffing much recently, i've been busy working on my minesweeper skills
#you might think this is a joke but it is not#all i do is play minesweeper / mow my grandma's lawn / watch anime i've already seen#new job starts on monday so i'll have to eliminate minesweeper ig#i need the anime to keep my sanity and my grandma would live in a jungle if i wasn't mowing her grass#i'm doing poorly at keeping up w/ svt but i've watched the cheers to youth mv many times and it makes me cry literally every time#catharsis...#anyway that's what's up with me#with gose picking up i'll probably get back into the groove of giffing more frequently#once i settle into work#wzfct.txt
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
its wallowing hours! again.
#vwoop.noises#I'm sorry for like. One of these daily. I am trying to . Not#But my journal is only so effective opposite attention seeking...#I have been having an extended episode for a bit now and I just don't know how 2 distract myself anymore :(#They were not lying. Mental illness has hands#And I am substantially self aware too like I Know. When too much is too much for other people. It's just rough out here!#I wish I wasn't so dependent and suchlike#And I should do school stuff but like. I don't want to do anything at all because of The Episode. Just like. rot#Stuff that would usually cheer me up sorta got hit in the crossfire of other brainstuff too so its like. Sad Mrew Noises :(#nondescript personality disorders . Am I right gang#Well it's descript to me. But you see. People are so mean in this world and I am afraid people would think differently of me...#even tho. It Checks Out. It's not a well-kept secret#i should probably make a tag for when I'm Wallowing so it's easily filtered but like. I don't want people going thru it#Or to tag as The Catchall. Events. Because people go through that to be weird yknow.
4 notes
·
View notes