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space-blue · 6 months ago

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The Acolyte Brendok Re-write

I went ahead and reworked the entire Brendok storyline to flesh out and improve on character development. This rewrite ends up to the same outcomes but is set to be one long episode or two back to back if need be, with a much deeper focus on our star POV character:

This rewrite is very long (5.3k words) so I'm putting it under a cut. If anything is confusing let me know. Some scenes are not fleshed out at all as they're intended to be mostly the way they are in the show.

Thanks to my friends Paula and Vincent who helped craft this plot.

Torbin POV — He's our focal POV character for Jedi sections.

Instead of picking moss for 7 weeks they have been on a hyperspace survey, hopping from blighted world to blighted world, exactly what they expected to find. Torbin makes a deprecating joke about how excited he is to sample new rocks.

They drop out of hyperspace and discover the lush green world of Brendok.

Cockpit scene with the Jedi arguing loudly, strong emotions : excitement, confusion, lots of back and forth with words we and Torbin don't understand, and some of the conversation made all the more confusing by Kelnacca's shyriiwook.

The audience gets to be educated about vergence alongside padawan Torbin. But clearly the Jedi aren't sure this is what it is, and the vergence is made to be a very mythical and improbable thing. Sol argues it must be one, and Indara says he's being far too hasty.

> Establishing early the theme of Sol seeing what he wants to see in things and getting ahead of himself.

Torbin seems excited that they can finally report something significant and go home.

Kelnacca laughs and says something. Torbin is crestfallen and asks "Really?"

Sol, fixed on the world with poorly veiled enthusiasm, says "Of course, we can't pass up such an opportunity. We have all the tools we need as well."

Indara agrees and says they will land and take samples. When Torbin gives her a wounded look, she smiles and says this is definitely the last world on this mission before going home, but they can't not investigate.

They crash land or damage their ship in some way as they come down. They try to call for rescue and find their comms broken. They trigger their distress beacon and prepare to wait. Indara decides to deploy the team collecting samples and data to not waste their time, since they're here either way.

On that first night, Torbin has nightmares. We don't get in them but see him have tremors and kicking.

Montage of how tedious and boring the life is, collecting moss and not finding the clues they expect. They have a camp OUTSIDE their ship (like a campervan extending so they can process samples and cook on fire, etc.) Field biologist vibe, and the adult Jedi all give off that field tech nerd vibe enduring the elements to get stuff done.

Torbin (who is shown rubbing his forehead on occasion and blinking at his samples/at the horizon) is complaining a lot about the feeling that this is pointless, and Sol—who is very excited for the possibilities of a vergence—keeps trying to uplift and reassure him, getting in the way of Indara's training. They have a chat about it like in the show, making it clear that Sol is overstepping, despite it being in good spirits.

Torbin goes and has another nightmare, this time we're in it with him.

He's running through a forest, and spirit/demonic smoky figures are running around him, laughing, cackling. He's being hunted. The trees part before him, shining bright. He comes to a hard stop. When the brightness equalises, we see the vista before him is the coruscant skyline.

Cut to his face, teary-eyed, quivering smile of relief.

An arrow shoots through his throat. He goes to fall to the ground—next cut, the thing that actually hits the ground is an animal, shot there with an arrow by the witches.

(It's a scene transition to daytime in the real world)

Osha POV

Mae and Osha are there, being taught how to hunt. Mother Koril makes them rehearse their lessons on how to poison their arrow tips, and what poison is used for what season, establishing their mentor/student relationship and the future poison name-drop. The witches hunt as a group, and we see them using the smoke power to get ahead of an animal or away from danger. It is shown to be positive and useful.

Mae uses the Force to freeze one of the animals Osha is supposed to shoot and she takes exception to that. She starts an argument between them over how to hunt, saying Mae always does stuff like that and to stop. She wants to prove herself alone. Mae doesn't get it: they are always together so they should hunt together.

A scout crashes the end of the hunt by reporting the presence of intruders further in the forest. Koril is first curious and cautious, but the witch says they seem to be Jedi and Koril goes into panic mode and repatriates everybody home.

The girls bicker the whole way home and wonder what Jedi are like and how dangerous they really are, with the adults too busy hurrying to really mind them.

Their settlement is in a crater/mountain/old mine too, but many of the buildings are made out of local wood. Only the inner chambers and private quarters of the girls and mothers seem to be in the stone buildings. However, LOTS and LOTS of lush carpets and tapestries are everywhere within these areas. Despite the abandoned mine setting, things are warm and cushy. That will also be great fuel for fire later. It gives the witches a strong visual aesthetic. They clearly do a lot of crafts. Visual representations of the Thread abound, and lots of spirals and dot work.

It becomes very clear that the girls are the only children and treated as little princesses.

Koril goes to talk to Aniseya. She reveals the presence of Jedi on the world. Aniseya smiles at her and says 'I know.'

Start of an argument, Koril demanding, 'When were you going to tell me about this?'

Aniseya saying it's fine, she's just keeping an eye on them through the eyes of their weakest member (Torbin). They crashed down in a valley beyond the river and should pose no threat. There's only 4 of them and they seem to be scientists/researchers/academics.

Koril remains angry and says they can't afford to take any risk as the ritual is fast approaching and they can't miss this chance to tie the girls to the coven.

Aniseya has strong words then, challenging Koril over how much she thinks she cares for the girls and asserting she would never endanger them and only thinks about what's best for them.

Here is when the girls come running in, having changed, and Aniseya flips to good mom and feeds them treats. Insert some cute family time together. Here is a good moment to have Osha voice how scared she is of the coming ritual and further the bickering between the sisters. Osha can complain about how Mae got in the way of her hunt, that she won't let her do anything on her own and this isn't resolved when Aniseya interrupts the fight and makes them hold hands, just like in the show.

Torbin POV

It's morning and Sol and Torbin are eating rations in the sun, sitting on crates by the ship.

Sol gives a sheepish look over his shoulder to the ship's entrance, but approaches Torbin asking him if he's OK. He heard him scream early this morning.

Torbin breaks and confesses to his nightmares (and maybe headaches, triggered from Aniseya taking glances through his eyes). He's distraught and Indara approaches, annoyed, thinking that Sol is overstepping again. Kelnacca is on her heels. She arrives in time to hear Torbin say he thinks they're not alone on this planet. He's seen them. He sees them in his dreams. Adds something cryptic like "they live in the mountain".

This should be shot almost like a horror film moment.

The masters exchange looks, but can sense his unease and agree to go investigate. Sure enough, they find proof of habitation.

Torbin looks relieved at the news: it wasn't him losing it. But he's extremely aloof and clearly torn between going to confront these people and ask for hospitality + broker peace, vs. keeping clear of them since his dreams are so ominous. Anyway it's clearly not his call to make and they are very low on resources + have only a distress beacon and hope to send a message to the order.

Emphasise that the knights are more hopeful and open and consider themselves welcome anywhere in the galaxy, highlighting how unusual Torbin's anxiety seems. He looks like he's overreacting as far as the jedi know.

They bang on the door and after an awkward wait, a woman comes out and asks what they want.

They explain they crashed and have low food and no comms, and hope to trade and send out a message/confirm they're being picked up.

The woman frees the way and invites them in.

The vibes are off the entire time, but more in an awkward or uncertain way.

When they are allowed to step in and talk to the mothers, the witches at the door perform a small welcoming ritual, dabbing their foreheads with a dash of white paint. Something intrusive and unconventional. Indara and kelnacca care the least/are used to putting up with weird local stuff, while Sol seems a little put off or wary, and Torbin is outright uncomfortable with being touched.

They go inside, get to be shown around a bit. The witches are very standoffish. Kelnacca strikes off to inspect their craft and is curious about the spirals and chats to an artisan who speaks shyriiwook. Indara is focused on getting a message out. Aniseya insists on sending it themselves (to make sure they don't plot against them). Indara promises them safety though if they could help understand the planet it would be great.

Aniseya plays dumb about the vergence (IDK what you mean?) but says they can answer their questions. Sol starts asking, more and more questions about the planet and the witches (when they arrived, where they landed, was the mine operational when they arrived, etc) making them grow visibly uncomfortable, as it seems like he's asking to figure them out, rather than the planet.

Meanwhile Osha and Mae are spying on them. Mae insist on going back to their room as they were ordered to stay out of the way. Osha distracts her. She says look at the mighty scary jedi. They're not so bad. Sol is smiling as he asks his questions, Indara laughs politely with someone. Kelnacca is now trading food. They aren't that scary and also... There's a boy.

The girls fixate on Torbin, who looks tweaky and uneasy. They nudge each other, comment on his curls and wonder what he's like. Osha spots his lightsaber and points to it. She decides to go have a closer look. Mae insists it's not safe and that they should go back to their room.

Osha goes and pspspshhhs Torbin. He spots them and follows them to a more secluded area. He makes fast friends and shows off his lightsaber when asked. He looks much more at ease seeing kids around.

They start quizzing him with dozens of questions all at once. Mae and Osha have different interests (Osha asking about other kids and what life is like on Coruscant, Mae asking why he's carrying a weapon and can she see it, or something like this).

Torbin, who is clearly good with younger kids, answers them and starts reminiscing about what he left at home. The temple, his classes, his friends... he seems increasingly homesick. Osha asks how many other children there are and is shocked when she learns there's hundreds of them, living equally all together.

The chat goes in the direction of Torbin being the one asking questions and the girls guard is down. They tell him about the ritual they're about to take part in. Maybe he likens it to a knighting and they clarify they will become the leaders of their coven. Torbin asks how come they can become leaders if they're kids still learning. The girls don't really have an answer, but maybe Mae says it has to do with how good they are with "pulling on the Thread". They reveal they are FS that way (maybe pulling Torbin's saber out of his hand with a victorious smirk, which would make Torbin freeze in realisation).

They are then caught. Torbin is dragged away and the girls are forced back into the building. He is made to swear to not speak of the girls to anyone. He does. He gives his word.

The Jedi go back to their ship and very quickly Torbin says they are force users. This immediately clicks for the Jedi. "ah so that's why the vibes were so off. They're witches." sort of realisation.

When asked how he knew, Torbin hesitates but quickly reveals the girls' presence. He says they claimed they too can "pull on the thread", which the older jedi immediately understand to mean use the force.

Sol shows interest and curiosity and some concern. Only two children? Twins? And why are witches hiding them? Again we get to hear more about the Jedi's relationship with force cults via dialogue between Torbin and the masters. They explain to him why some force cults are seen more negatively, and he has only heard of nightsisters.

Torbin is asked for details and mentions what the girls said about being part of a ritual and becoming the coven leaders.

Sol continues to worry and the POV shifts to him.

In the morning he goes to spy on the witches, climbing the side of the walls.

At first he only sees normal life scenes, but then he follows a large group that makes its way to the pit to begin a ritual. They carry a very elderly witch. Then they head to fields set in terraces carved from the rock wall. There he witnesses with increasing distress a death ritual, in which the elderly witch, clearly at death's door but still alive, is levitated between chanting witches with black eyes. She dissipates into smoke.

We experience and see how incredibly wrong and disturbing this feels to Sol. Dune-style montage of his vision/sensation of this, to highlight that her passing into the force was not usual. This is not peaceful or light. Maybe he feels nauseous. Visible reaction.

But then the plants in the fields experience a mad growth spurt (close ups of sprouting seeds, things rotting faster, soil shivering with worms and insects, buds exploding into flowers and seed). Would go with whoompy and base heavy, oppressive soundtrack.

The witches come out of their trance delighted and go observe the results in the fields while Sol makes his shaky exit.

He goes back to Indara extremely concerned and insists on "rescuing" the girls. Torbin feels more guilty now that he spoke up at all. He just wants to leave and is against going to fetch the kids. Outvoted again. Indara accepts the risk seems great and they can use the Jedi looking for kids as an excuse to confront them about this.

Osha POV

The girls are still arguing as they prepare for the ritual. Talk with Aniseya. Very little needs to change. The ritual proceeds and is again interrupted. Make that ritual look a little spookier but remain visibly just as safe.

Torbin POV

We go back to the show's scene of a home invasion by the Jedi, interrupting the ritual for the girls. The girls are hidden but this time Indara says she knows there are children here. Koril glowers at Torbin who tries to make himself very small.

Dialogue remains similar. The girls are brought forward. Sol softens and mellows and clearly is smitten with them and tries to recruit them. Torbin blurts out the mark on Mae's forehead is new, which makes everyone tense up.

Indara insists the children be tested. Osha wants to. Koril argues. Sol argues. The camera pans to Torbin instead and their voices fade out to a hum. His face is twitching. Voices around him accuse him of lying, breaking his word, and being spineless. Intruder, child snatcher, etc. He breaks, blinks, and whispers "I'm sorry", and the moment the word is out, his eyes instantly go black.

Scene proceeds as in the show. The witches promise to bring the girls in the morning for their tests.

Sol is vindicated and extra worried due to the way they treated Torbin. Unlike in the show though, Indara cannot ask for council guidance. She sticks to the rules and says Sol can't be for real, the girls are too old, the witches too weird, they won't let them go. Torbin may add they're here with their mom and it's fine and to please leave it.

As they walk to their two speeders, the celestial bodies overhead separate (the opportunity has passed and the ritual cannot resume)

Osha POV

Chat with their mom about the test with the Jedi the next morning. Girls arguing. Mae says there's no point as they're part of the coven now. Osha saying she isn't. Aniseya tells her that of course she's part of them, even if the ritual wasn't fully completed. She tries to reassure her, says she must lie.

Osha whines and says she wants to show her progress and what Aniseya taught her. Aniseya explains that it would be dangerous and that the jedi have to know as little as possible about their true capabilities. Both girls ask why, as they still both think the Jedi were nice and don't seem like bad people.

Aniseya explains that the Jedi aren't bad as individual people and that maybe all of them here are very kind and good, but the order they belong to is enormous, wields power and controls it. It gets to decide who can use the Thread and in what way. Then she segways into a gentle and kid friendly explanation that many generations ago, their coven already had to flee a world to escape from the Jedi. She may say that they claim to be peaceful, but have gone to many wars against the Sith, and that you can't even call it a war when they wipe out a small coven.

The girls go to the ship and make their promise to lie.

We see Mae lie and tell worrisome things about becoming "one with all" to the masters like in the show.

Then Osha goes in. The same happens but she already knows about other kids and she simply asks what it was like for Sol and is shocked to hear they have babies too and that Sol was given pretty old at 4 yo.

Once she's done with the test she's now not failing, we get to see her try more things. The remote and saber, a little spar with Torbin with sabers on low settings, push-feather with Indara. She's exhilarated and bright eyed and admits she wants to become a jedi. We SEE her be happy with them and ask questions she likes the answers to.

Indara is looking quite displeased with this. Torbin is very uncomfortable standing in the doorway, and Sol is smiling brightly and encouraging Osha, clearly bonding with her through the test.

When Osha steps out Mae already knows she must have told them the truth because she stayed in the ship for so long.

We go back with the witches. Have same scene as in the show with osha deciding she wants to go, Aniseya promising to take her opinion into consideration, the witches being against it, and Aniseya choosing to let her go.

ASIDE :

The reason why the girls are so OP, must become leaders and the witches have no other kids (all relevant to the back and forth with Aniseya and should inform dialogue)

The coven uses group action. Most of the witches are fairly weak individually but can be powerful as a group working as one. The power of many. They rally behind powerful leaders. On their last world they were subject to attack, lost a lot of their children in particular, and their OP leader. Mother Aniseya/Koril were younger then, but the two next OP. They fled to Brendock in hiding, and discovering the vergence, Aniseya created the twins. Seeing their potential they were made as next leader. This would mean leading group rituals and protecting the Coven. They are only as powerful as their best witch, and Mae and Osha are like multipliers.

The witches don't make it sound like this is taboo, and more like Jedi would definitely take the girls away to study them and never return them. They can't afford this because of protection, they are not even done recovering from the damage of their last conflict.

Back to the story, with Mae furious. She is kicked out before Osha leaves the room. We now see her lock the doors and break the pad without anyone knowing, before she runs back into the building to get to Osha.

Torbin POV

The Jedi rescue finally arrives at the crash site. It's just one man in a small ship. He's here to give them a ride back. Torbin wants to go now, Sol wants to stay. The blood test ping right then.

The girls are suspicious to them immediately. Sol concludes they were born of the vergence. Indara suggests they might have been created from it, split somehow. She goes to use the new ship's comm to go as the council for guidance.

They are all in their camping area, half packed up. The new jedi is watching them argue while sipping on his soup, looking confused. Indara comes back out saying the Council said NO.

Osha is too old, and with her alone there's no proof they're the product of a vergence. They said they must come home, and will send another crew later on to mediate with the coven and investigate the matter.

Sol is distressed and says the girls are in danger. Mae is already marked. Osha outright said she wants to come. And if they bring back BOTH girls then the council will see they are a vergence and must be trained/studied. This is where he says he feels OSha is meant to be his padawan.

Indara goes to protest, but Sol runs for a speeder to say he can negotiate with the witches.

Indara yells for Torbin to follow him and stop him. (there's only two speeders and Torbin being lighter will be faster alone to catch up). She and Kelnacca run for the new ship telling the new guy that they'll be right back and please mind the camp. He looks very confused but resigned.

Torbin catches up to Sol outside the coven and begs him to stop. They can finally go home. They don't belong here. Sol ignores him and instructs him to shut off his mind so they don't get to him again and breaks in, Torbin on his heels.

Witches on high alert. Koril and Aniseya rush to the yard to confront the men.

Osha POV

Fight/argument with the girls in their room. They vent a lot of their usual criticism, push and pull over Osha's notebook, and in it Mae sees doodles of Torbin too (bit of a "turning Red" style acknowledgement that girls get crushes, but it also helps establish Osha as turned to other people and Mae perceiving this as a threat.

Now Mae mocks Osha for having known Torbin for barely a day and she's already boy-sick.

Osha rips the book from her hand and goes to hit her with it. Mae reacts by pushing her with the force out of reflex. Osha doesn't block (as she didn't with their earlier training which still can happen when they come home from the hunt). She sends Osha flying across the room, hitting her head. She passes out and doesn't see the lamp breaking on the carpet, igniting it.

Mae freezes, watching the carpet flare up. She tries to tamp it down, screaming Osha's name. She runs to her and tries to lift/drag/shake her but she's heavy and the fire is spreading. She rushes out screaming for help.

Torbin POV

The situation is heating up as Kelnacca and Indara arrive together. Sol has dropped the fact they should be taking both girls if they can and the witches are reacting like this is child snatching and straight up won't surrender Mae.

Indara tries to calm everyone. She's starting to make sense, and Aniseya goes to say something (maybe say she's OK to let Osha go), only for Mae's scream to be heard. She comes out screaming "Fire, fire!"

Sol yells "Osha!" Only for Mae to give him a weird look and say "Osha's trapped in the room!"

Sol blinks his surprise away. The witches turn on the jedi, many voices heard at once, asking what have you done!? Indara says "Nothing, we're all here, we just want to talk."

The witches fire back they are lying/they have a new jedi/he must be here.

Torbin whips out his lightsaber right as the witches begin firing at him.

All at the same moment or in very quick succession:

Koril goes for Indara and is deflected by Kelnacca

Aniseya goes to smoke rescue Mae, only for Sol to freak out at the sight of the smoke effect again and stab her. She still tells him "You could have taken Osha, she chose to go and I was going to let her".

Mae screams and rushes forward, falling over Aniseya. Indara leans over her and says they have to put down the fire, asking where Osha is.

Koril attacks Sol.

Kelnacca and Torbin block arrows while Indara picks Mae up and asks to show her the way.

Osha POV

Osha wakes up alone in a room in flames. To her, she was left for dead and left to burn. She makes her escape as in the show. She can't get to the door due to flames. We hear screams and explosions as the whole place flames up. She makes her way through the tunnels.

Jedi POV

Cut back to Mae and Indara, discovering the room is empty. Indara is calling out for Osha, tries to sense her, says she's not here. Mae has already spotted the open pipe and darts away.

Cut to the Koril vs. Sol fight and Torbin blocking arrows. Things proceed as in the show, with Koril disappearing to smoke and the witches taking over Kelnacca, except Indara stops her efforts to contain the fire and find Osha when she hears Torbin scream.

She winces in shared pain and rushes back out to see the end of the fight with Kelnacca. She intervenes again. This is way more visceral. We actively see depictions of her mental state. When the witches are cut off it's a thread snapping/strong sound design. Indara is shaken, mumbling an "oh no... I... I...' (clearly didn't intend to kill when she severed the bond)

There are still screams about the place as women try to escape the flames and smoke. Several explosions then.

Indara snaps at Sol "Find the girls!" before rushing to Torbin's side. Kelnacca is KO. Torbin is much more grievously injured. A sweating and visibly strained Indara takes a deep breath before trying to use force heal on him.

Sol POV

Sol, running inside to find the girls, stumbles on the witches all dead. Koril is WITH them, to highlight the fact she wasn't dissolving with the smoke effect, but teleporting, meaning Sol must have overreacted to this effect (and now he can guess what Aniseya most likely attempted and we know he knows).

He hears screams and follows them.

Instead of the girls being in a split gangway about to collapse just yelling each other's name, he finds Osha trapped outside the exit of her pipe system. She is still over the same drop, though it'd there is a lot more smoke that obscures the real depth of the shaft (and there's more coughing/strong impression things are burning all around).

Mae appears from the side and at a higher point (she's been tracing the path of the pipes trying to find where Osha would emerge and is getting to her now). She proceeds to move forward despite how dangerous the damage gangplank is, to try and reach Osha.

Sol yells for her to move back. He tries to find a clear pass, crying from the smoke in the air. Mae is saying she's sorry, she's also crying and saying "Mom's dead" to a horrified Osha who asks her "what did you do?!"

Mae says "The Jedi came for you!" as an accusation. "I didn't—" and then the ramp drops a bit, they both scream. Sol yells for them to hang on and gets closer.

Mae gets back up at the edge of the ramp and Osha grabs her hand and joins her. Their combined weight is too much. The ramp breaks and falls down over the pit. They hang on, screaming, and Sol grabs the entire ramp with the Force.

He's crying, blinking, straining. Mae is slipping, her grip on Osha loosening. She has one hand on the ramp and one on Osha's top.

Sol slips in the Force and the ramp falls. Mae and Osha are shaken loose, but Sol grabs Osha with the Force, letting Mae fall (She was behind Osha, grabbing the back of her shirt, so she doesn't really see what's happening in the moment).

Things proceed as in the show, with heavier smoke and fire and Osha being dragged away from Aniseya not just because Sol doesn't want her to see the wound but also because there's real urgency in leaving. They run past the main door, where we can maybe see collapsed bodies. Sol runs to the weird black pit, on the edge of the settlement, the only place still clear of smoke. The music distorts around it, ominous. He looks around, desperate, passed out Osha in his arms.

Light falls on him from above : the jedi ship, piloted by Indara.

Cut to the same scene as in the show with them in hyperspace, except they're not in their own ship but the much smaller rescue vessel. Kelnacca is passed out right next to Osha in a cramped room, and Torbin is sitting nearby, hugging himself, face swollen and eye shut by crusted blood. He's mumbling he's sorry again and again and Indara is actively soothing him/rubbing his back before the confrontation with Sol begins and she decides they have to cover this up.

Argument remains the same : Mae started a fire, everybody died, but we know the mom allowed Osha to be a Jedi, and she's the sole survivor. She also wanted to join, and though they can't exactly prove she was created by a vergence, they have blood samples and she can still be studied while she trains.

Osha screams and cries as Sol holds and hugs her. Camera cuts to Torbin. Pale faced, bloodied. He's finally still, his one good eye fixed dead ahead as we listen to Osha's wailing.

Indara places a hand over his shoulder and whispers, 'It'll be all right. We're going home.'

Cut to Mae POV

Close up of her face, stone grey. Flakes of ash fall on her and coat her as the camera pans out. She's on her back on a lower gangplank in the shaft. She wakes up coughing, confused.

She took a hard fall and is limping and hugging her arm, but she crawls to an exhaust port and emerges in the woods.

She's covered in soot and dried blood. Much, much dirtier than in the show. She turns back around : it's dawn, her coven is still burning/emitting a huge plume of smoke.

She looks around, the camera is far away, making her small and alone in the shot. She asks, in a trembling voice, "Oshie?"

Cut to black.

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