#praying to god that i dont FUCKING TALK IN MY SLEEP

[anaskunk]

just had my first fucking coherent thought in fucking german and it was about my fucking gaming mouse

“wo ist die maus?”

[boxwinebaddie]

oh freckle, freckle⠁.. what makes you so s p e c i a l?

[orcelito]

God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[irrelevaantidiot]

How much aura did I lose for mentioning having an art blog to my digital art/graphic design teacher.

[not-the-grave]

the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane

[tension4mari]

Sex with Nam-gyu and Reader who has a hand fetish >ᴗ<

Not proofread

☘︎ ݁˖Paring-Nam-gyu x Fem!Reader

.☘︎ ݁˖Warnings-18+content. Fingering, soft choking, Reader has a hand fetish, cursing, fem receiving, Probably more im just too lazy to tag it

.☘︎ ݁˖Summary- Was requested... Here

.☘︎ ݁˖Blowing all of your money on stupid things was the worst mistake you could have made. Now you're here, inside of a room with hundreds of people you dont know.

.☘︎ ݁˖You had made friends with a girl who was nice enough to invite you into her group she was forming. it was only the three of you before two other guys came up, one claiming to be a rap God named 'Thanos" and the other, you didn't really take notice on his speaking, you were distracted, by his hands.

.☘︎ ݁˖They looked rough but soft at the same time, how would they feel around your neck? you wondered if you would ever find out. you started to bite your lip from the thought, unfortunately you were interrupted by your new friend, Se-mi asks if it was ok with you to let them join you three.

.☘︎ ݁˖ "Huh" you look up from your distracted gaze to the stranger Infront of you, praying no one saw you looking. "Well? what do you say, you don't mind if they join, right?" she asks playing with her lip. "Oh, yea I don't mind." you softly mumble playing with your own hands. "Alright. That settles it! we will be a team!" the purple haired guy announced pretty loudly.

.☘︎ ݁˖ Luckly you all made it through the death obstacle in one piece. Sticking close to the only other girl in the group Se-mi, your eyes betrayed you once again drifting to the guy Infront of you. You look down at his long thick fingers. 'fuck' you thought to yourself. How would they feel inside you? God, you could only imagine, you squeeze your legs together at the dirty thought.

.☘︎ ݁˖Once arriving back at the beds, you decide to stick with your group, you all sit down, Thanos and Nam-gyu cooking up a conversation in a hurry, Se-mi and Min-su talking about nonsense. You're left alone thinking deep in thought. It doesn't take long for your mind to reach back at dirty thoughts you had earlier, but seriously, who wouldn't want those fucking hands on them?" you could feel yourself getting wet from all of that thinking.

.☘︎ ݁˖You could see from the corner of your eye, Nam-gyu using his hands to sweep the hair from his face, you're watching his hands every move. You're so desperate, it honestly sad. As you're busy staring at his fingers, he looks at you for a spilt second, seeing you nonstop staring at his fingers, He could only let his mind wonder at the thoughts you're having right now.

.☘︎ ݁˖He decides to test the waters, bringing his hands towards his thigh, letting his hands rest there for a spilt second before moving to the middle of his pants.

And you're watching his hands every move.

.☘︎ ݁˖'Lights out in 30 minutes' the feminine voice called out on the speaker, opting you had enough of today you decided to bid your farewells to your group. "I'm heading to my bed. Goodnight guys!" you spoke out in a whatso lively voice. "Are you sure?" "You're not gonna stay with us?" Se-mi asked looking at you. "Yea, You're not going to stay with us tonight? You scared?" Nam-gyu asked in a teasing voice chuckling softly "Nah I'm al good, you guys have fun, I'm feeling tired already." Nam-gyu got up, placing his hand on your shoulder. Leaning down and whispering in your hear quietly "Night." before his hand made its way to the crook of your neck, squeezing it softly and being removed fast before anyone else could notice.

.☘︎ ݁˖"Mhm!" you quickly mumble before sprinting off and waving back at everyone else.

.☘︎ ݁˖You make your way to your bed before slipping off your shoes and taking off your green jacket. You lay down getting comfortable before drifting off to a deep sleep.

.☘︎ ݁˖You wake up, noticing everyone was still sleep. You sit up on the bed, rubbing your eyes before breathing in a long yawn, you were abruptly interrupted by a dark figure roaming behide you, before you could scream a hand catches you in the act.

.☘︎ ݁˖"Chill-It's just me" Nam-gyu reveals himself standing Infront of you before moving his hand from your mouth. "What were you doing?" you said raising your eyebrows and scooting back onto the hard mattress. "None of your business." he spoke before stepping closer to you "Well? You can go...It's still night and we need sleep." you said lifting the thin sheet onto your legs.

.☘︎ ݁˖He grabs the sheet, throwing it to the end of the bed. "Nah im not tired." "Plus, I came to ask you something" he uninvitedly sits beside you on the bed, before putting his hands on your upper thigh. "Ok... What is it?" you said staring at the warm touch on your thigh "What's your problem with my hands? is it a fetish or sum?" he said eyeing you "W-what- I have no idea what you're talking about! ' You whisper shout before trying to scoot away from his hands. "Don't be embarrassed, it's hot.

.☘︎ ݁˖While you were trying to find an excuse, he cuts you off. "Shh.. Just shut the hell up, Fuck." He moves his hand from your thigh to your chest, squeezing your tits. "What the fuc-" you were cut off by his lips hitting yours. "You attempt to push him off of you to see what the hell is his problem "Do you want this or not." he's staring in your eyes. You turn your head from him.,"Mhm.." "Then just relax... I'll make you feel good."

.☘︎ ݁˖He pushes you onto back before reaching for your legs, traveling his fingers from your ankles to the waist band of your pants. He slides them down enough so that he can get a clear view of your panties. "Fuck... Look at this, you're soaking..." You cover your face from the lewd words. "Stop talking..." you mumble into your hands.

.☘︎ ݁˖He brings his finger towards your clothe cunt, rubbing his finger up and down on your wetness leaking through your underwear "Hm! stop teasing me... It's annoying." "What are you in the rush for? we have all night.." he says before finally pulling your panties off and tucking them into his sweatshirt, going unnoticed

.☘︎ ݁˖His middle finger finds it way inside you. Moving it back in forth, he immediately adds in another finger. You turn into a moaning mess he quickly shuts you up by shoving his free hand finger into your mouth "If I were you, ill shut up. Don't you see these people sleeping? Hm?'' He says in a deep voice that you swore you got more wet hearing it. "Unless you want them to hear you." he says smirking. thrusting his fingers even harder into your wetness. He pulls his fingers out your mouth bringing his hands to the softness of your cheek, smothering your own saliva on your face and giving your face a couple of soft taps.

.☘︎ ݁˖"Is it as you wished? Feeling my finger inside you?" you nod your head with closed eyes. "Good." his hand reaching your neck, rubbing it before wrapping his hands around it completely. "You look so good like this-" he says moving his face to lick your abused cunt "And you taste amazing" "God you're going to kill me.."

.☘︎ ݁˖He's sucking your pussy like his life depended on it, he looks up at you squeezing your neck "Look at me-" you open your watery eyes looking down at him eating you oh so good. "Mhm.." you moan. bringing your hands to go through his hair, slightly tugging at it "Don't stop!" you silently moan bucking your hips up into his face, basically full-on riding his face.

.☘︎ ݁˖You don't stop pulling his hair till you came undone on his face. "Fuck.. you've had the best pussy I've ever tasted-" he says catching his breath, you're too fucked out to comprehend what exactly he's saying.

.☘︎ ݁˖You're laid on your back with squeezed closed legs from the orgasm you just had. "Uh huh." you blabber. His hands go to spread your legs, kissing your cunt before letting your legs go flop on the bed. "You did so well for me" he says rubbing your thighs, "I have to go back now..." he says pulling the sheets onto your exposed legs "I'll see you later." he says letting go of the sheet, "m'k.." you groan finally opening your eyes.

.☘︎ ݁˖Nam-gyu disappears into the dark and eventfully you got up to put back on your pants, wandering where the hell you put your panties?!

Sorry if it's all over the place in the beginning.. took me two different days to complete this.. ☠️

[jammiesjars]

MDNI

Warnings: Accusation of Infedelity, heavily unedited writing (wrote this in a power outage in my notes app xx), fingering, eating pussy, dirty talk, dumbification if you squint REALLY hard.

One message is all it took for you to spiral.

Outrage was an understatement. A month, a single month, into Price’s deployment you had recieved a message from an unknown number. They insisted of Price having an affair with his so-called ‘receptionist.’ Being his wife, you didnt believe it. You and John had been married for years now. He wasnt that kind of man! (You hoped.)

Weeks passed and wheels start turning. Seeds of doubt had started digging into you. The late nights he had stayed at base before his deployment, only sending as much as a quick text of ‘Be home late. Dont wait up.’ Or the necessary secrecy between what happens at his job or deployment were starting to plant ideas in your head you wouldnt have ever had if not for that message. Youre being worn down, and its killing you. Its not like you could ask him; being thousands of kilometres away without any time to do as much as glance at his phone.

So the emotional resentment grew. You find yourself wondering how he could do this to you, crying in your empty home that housed the both of you not long ago. Before you even come to terms with it, Youve packed your bags and lawyered up, letting your resentment fester for far to long without any outside input.

On the third month of Prices deployment, you drive yourself up to base with one intention; leave the divorce papers on his desk to find when he comes back and to leave without confrontation.

Security on base knows you as ‘Price’s missus’ by now, offering a small wave and a smile as you walk by and into your husbands office. You put the papers on his desk, that frustration and hurt bubbling up all over again. He has your wedding photo framed on his desk and it only hurts more. What did you do to deserve this?

You turn to go, heading back towards his door when you hear muffled laughter and the sounds of gear being unzipped and dumped from down the hallway. Theyre back. You pick up the pace, praying you can slip out before he gets close enough to notice. You reach for the door handle, but the door opens before you can even grasp it.

Shit.

And there he is, your eyes drinking in the sight of the awfully more rugged version of your husband; beard outgrown and messy with tired eyes that light up at the sight of you.

That light dies as soon as sees just how mad you look.

“So youre telling me, one message is all it took to lose all fucking faith?” Price practically growls, fingers rubbing at his temples. Hes sat in his chair with you on the other side of his desk, just as furious. “Everything makes sense! The staying late at base, the short messages and lack of updates when your deployed!” You hiss, frustration bubbling over making anything small seem huge.

Price takes a deep breath, a futile attempt to calm his temper. “The shit I deal with doesnt sleep. Theres reasons i stay back that you will never know, love. The law itself, wont let me tell you. Same goes for messages. Im sorry i dont have the time to let you know im okay when im deployed, god knows i wish I did.” He scowls, his gaze so heated and intense that you almost look away despite your own fury.

“And what about this receptionist huh?”

Your tone has changed, soft and shaky. vunerable.

Price’s expression softens, but he doesnt say a word, simply rounding his desk to pluck you out of your own chair and putting you down in his office chair. He sinks to his knees in front of you, hands rested on your thighs. Blue eyes peer up at you, sickeningly sincere. “Love, I dont interact with her unless necessary. This isnt some romance movie bullshit.” Your heart is working overtime, lips parted as guilt bubbles. “You- you understand where my doubt is coming from, though…right? Everything lined up perfectly, and-“

Price simply tuts. “We’ve talked about that pretty little head of yours overthinking too much, havent we?” You freeze, throat drying. You nod. “Answer me, sweetheart.”

“Yes-“ you croak. “We have.”

Price grunts in approval, his hands now running up and down your thighs.

“Have you been feeling neglected, hm? Is that it? My sweet wife needs some attention?” Price rumbles, his large, calloused hands that have been marked by countless battles now playing with the hem of your skirt.

“You’ve got my attention now, luvie. No need to play these stupid games with me.”

Your mind is already growing hazy; your husbands words making you almost want to forget about this whole incident. A finger hooks onto the waistband of your panties, bringing you back to the moment.

“Stupid games? John i was prepared to divorce you-“ he shushes you, dragging your underwear down your thighs, then your calves and over your shoes before slipping them into his pocket. A cheeky smile graces his face. stupid muttonchops.

“Must’ve left you alone for far too long then, if you were willing to take it this far.”

He slings your legs over his impossibly large shoulders, making you squeak as your pulled forward on the chair.

“Wouldve come home and fucked those stupid thoughts straight out of your head if i had known you were having doubts about my loyalty, sweetheart.”

He presses a messy kiss to your clit, making you gasp. He grumbles something incoherent (“Me? Cheat? Silly girl.”), before licking a long stripe up your neglected cunt, causing your hips to buck. The taste of you after going months without has price groaning into your heat. He eats like a man starved, a mix of desire to prove his loyalty and that he finally gets to taste his wife after being away for so long.

Hes fuming, really. Toward you? No.

Towards whatever stupid bastard sent you that message. He’s glad you didnt notice him slip your phone in his pocket, because he knew you’d be against him hunting the fucker down. You just need a distraction to keep that pretty little head thinking too hard. And he’ll give you just that.

“Oh, my poor sweet wife…” He grunts, before sucking on your clit with a renewed fevor. He pulls off with a lewd pop, two thick fingers replacing his previous ministrations. You’re squirming in his office chair, mind hazy and hips bucking.

“Thinkin’ I was out here cheating on ya’… you know better, love.” He tuts.

His fingers curl so nicely into that spongey spot that makes you see stars. “M sorry-“ you’d slur, “I didnt believe it when I first saw the message I promise-“ you gasp as price presses his thumb against your clit, rubbing in small tight circles.

“Lovie, you stormed in here with divorce papers. Dont tell me you didn’t believe it.”

Your head tilts back as you pant, small gasps slipping past your lips.

“There we go.” Price coaxes, his fingers picking up their pace.

“Wouldnt even cross my mind to look at another woman when my gorgeous girl looks like that as I stuff her cunt full of my fingers.” He coos, watching your face intently as your release crashes down; intense enough to make you writhe and moan.

Price pulls his fingers from you, licking them clean before getting up off his knees. Your throat runs dry, bracing for whats to come even as you grapple your bearings. You’re mentally preparing for Price to be dissapointed, upset with you, maybe even mad.

He analyzes your expression, leaning back against his desk. His eyes scrape over your small form sat in his chair.

“Im not upset, love. That pretty little head of yours had months to overthink that message without a voice of reason.”

Price tilts your chin up.

“Lets just not have to do this again, hm? Then i’ll be mad.”

Its sounds like a threat, but it isnt. Price knows he’ll always be there to talk his beloved wife down from the edge.

[boysbeware2]

all the old tptm girl journal entries w the new (if anyone wants to see them again and compare them)

please proceed with caution as many of these could be upsetting to read

disposable girl (jordyn)

(old)

i cant fucking stand this. i try so goddamn hard to make friends, to be attractive to people, to be even somewhat appealing to them etc etc. it never works. i thought it would get better the older i get. thats what i was told. guess what! i was fucking lied to!!! im alwasy left out of EVERYTHING i never get invited to shit and my own friends ignore me all the time. everyone looks at me weird. i cant go in public anymore im so fucking terrified of everyone. nobody fuckinf wants me, man. im so close to doing something stupid i feel so gross and ugly and dumb i should actually just die id be doing everyone a favor LOL

(new)

man, i havent been on here in forever. the internet is kind of dumb. what is there to say? my friend group celebrated our outpatient graduation anniversary the other day, that was pretty nice. we’re all trying to figure out housing stuff, nora’s been helping with that. freyja + mayra + kairi found a place already (how are they so responsible??) and the rest of us are trying to find places near them so we can visit more often. i never expected to have such a big group of friends. if you told me 2 years ago that i’d be living like this, i wouldn’t believe you. it’s still surreal to me. i’m not sure what i did to deserve them. same goes for my girlfriends. i don’t wanna say who just yet, we’re still figuring things out, but i’m just so thankful for them. i feel so lucky to have a second chance at life. i really didn’t believe people when they said it would get better, and then it did. how funny…..

irreverent girl (kairi)

(old)

I do not want God to see me anymore. I do not want anymore eyes on me. This is near unbearable. I have no one to turn to. My mother is in the church. Many of my friends are in the church. They would tell me to find hope through Christ. They would tell me to pray to Him. They would tell me that He will save me. He must not remember He made me, and if He does, He simply does not care. I know this is unbecoming of me, and I don't mean to be dramatic. I am simply depressed, nervous, and I cannot tell what's real and what isn't anymore. I know I'm supposed to hear God speaking to me, but I do not, and I am tired of straining my ears. I just want to see a doctor. I want some kind of tangible solution. I do not want to pray anymore. Praying hurts. I only do it when I am afraid, but I am afraid much of the time. I don't want to be unheard anymore. I do not want to hold out hope for someone who does not act like they're there. I am hurting. I am hurting. I am hurting. Belief is hurting me. The idea of God is hurting me. I need an out. I am hurting.

(new)

When I have a job and money and I can move away from my shitty Mormon parents

splitter girl (tahira)

(old)

theres something so broken in me thats beyond saving. so i dont know why i keep trying to be saved. i meant to kill myself when i was 18. i didnt. all ive wanted to do lately is kill someone or something. i havent. im too much of a pussy to plan anything concrete, no matter how much i hate everyone around me. no matter how much i get off to videos of people dying or how much i love cutting myself i cant actually take action against other people. i am fucking purposeless. i was born from evil and i will always be evil and i cant even live up to that. i hate myself i hate myself i HATE myself and the universe hates me too. i dont know what to fucking do at this point. i talked to one of my friends about wantingto die and they said smthn about hospitalizing myself. maybe. i dunno. i dont know what else there is for me/. my eyes are fucking burning from lookign at my computer for so long adn not getting any goddamn sleep. i am not a good person. i dont think i can be helped but i just dont wanna fucking keep goign to school and being around people and pretending like everything is norma;l. i cant keep doing it. what the fuck is wrong with me whagt happened. why cant i be loved or feel love for other people when did something change in me that switched the aggression and affection parts of my brain. im hyperventilating ill be back. maybe

(new)

getting myself onigiri from this one good boba place 2nite bc im 8 months clean…… its the little things~ ^^

fainéant girl (freyja)

(old)

i know i dont hate being disabled... i just hate being disabled in a society that makes existing difficult... but sometimes i really just dont want to be disabled anymore. i dont want my family to lecture me about how i could be helping out more, or how i should get a job. i dont want teachers to keep asking me whats wrong or the fuckin uni counselor to try to get me hospitalized. i dont want to be in so much pain anymore, to feel so exhausted that i cant even do so much as prepare food for myself, let alone do anything meaningful or fulfilling. its not fair. i shouldnt have to stay inside and sit in the dark all day,. i should be able to have friends. to talk to people and to go out with them and to feel like i am alive. its lonely and traumatic to suffer through this and on top of that no one around me understands, and they never fully will. i am tired of trying to justify my existence to everyone, to explain the pain that i am in and why i shouldnt have to experience it. i know the problem isnt me. i know i live in a world that isnt built for me. but if the world cant change then sometimes i truly feel that i should just stop living in it. my lifespan is already shorter than everyone else's anyways. what difference does it make

(new)

my qpps didnt seem to appreciate me playing Alien Kids Alien Rap for them. Do they even love me

caliber girl (nora)

(old)

唉～It is 3 AM and I should go to sleep but I can’t. I have a work zoom meeting early in the morning and I gotta hit the gym also because I haven’t done leg day in like… weeks. Oh well, it doesn’t even matter. My value is depleting but I don’t think I care anymore. The turnaround date for my code is also in a couple of days and I haven’t made any progress. I keep getting the same error and I’m too tired to figure out what’s wrong. I might get fired at this rate LOL(笑). If that happens, I think I’ll just consider ending it all. Not that anybody will miss me. God I sound so weak and pathetic right now. When did it get like this. How did it get like this. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I’ve been through worse before and this is nothing. Ugh, why is it so hard to breathe? My chest hurts and I feel like something is wrong but I don’t know how to make it go away. Should I call someone about this? No. No one is awake or around to help. I’ll be fine. I’ll just sleep it off. Shake it off… shake it off…

(new)

My Tamagotchi beeped during a meeting fml

chocolate box girl (morgan)

(old)

i thought i was doing better but i cant stop thinking about them. their touch, their interests, their smile, everything. the worst part is that i miss them, after all of what they've done to me. i was 13. i dont even feel justified calling it rape since our relationship was so muddy... they never yelled at me or was angry at me, they just got so sad when i tried to speak my mind, and got all my friends to hate me when we finally broke up. i never said no so i feel like im insulting actual survivors by feeling violated. i wasnt even trying to get into a relationship with them, it just happened... i feel like everyone around me wants me in the same way they did, even though im an adult now and i dont even try to make myself appealing. i wish i could trust people not to take advantage of me, and i feel disgusting and selfish for feeling like everyone has ulterior motives of getting me to fall in love with them, or worse. that's so self centered of me. i dont know how long i can keep doing this

(new)

girl help i cant stop looking at anime figures on japan yahoo auctions !!!!!

taxidermy girl (mayra)

(old)

I don't remember ever not having a sex drive, is that normal ? I was born and then it was all downhill from there, something happened to me sexually i think, I don't know what happened, because I don't remember much, but something happened and I was beaten for it and yelled at and my mother hated me, and now I am an adult and I try to have sex, and I'm not there mentally, even if my body is participating, I feel like I am in the past again, being beaten and yelled at . I want to keep trying, I want to have fun, to feel safe in someone else's arms, to reach the heights of pleasure, but my mind scares me so much, I haven't been able to eat anything today because I feel so horrified by my body . If I was good I would have been born as a nonsexual being, no parts, no desires, no instincts, a blank slate, too empty to be enjoyed . Do you know what it feels like, to have your mother tell you people want to sexually abuse you when you are a child, and then to be made fun of by your peers for being so ugly, to have your middle school and high school classmates joke about how much they don't want to have sex with you ? I am illicit and undesirable at the same time, I am everyone's last option, I am nothing and still too much, rotting deer meat on the side of the road . I wish I had been born as something beautiful and pure, I wish I could start over, that whatever that initial sin was had never been committed .. I want to start over

(new)

Went to a kink event the other night and everyone was so nice … The low lights were fucking with my vision so one of the hosts helped me navigate the place . I ❤️ you random disabled ally with a pup mask on

chemical girl (joy)

(old)

LMAOOOOO im too angry and miserable to be around. i think i just need to give up at this point because theres clearly like. something broken inside me that cant be fixed. that has 2 be it because i try to talk and i just sound cold, i try to make a joke and it comes out overly edgy and unfunny, i try to be like everyone else but its too much. i cant even be a collection of the positive traits i see in others, i try to replicate it and it comes out warped and wrong. im either fucking enraged or in abject misery or way too happy and nobody can keep up with me. the thing is i dont even blame them. i wouldnt want to be around me either. do u know what thats like? being someone you wouldnt want to know? i keep hoping that one day ill wake up and suddenly be normal, the mood swings will be gone and everyone will like me and i wont do stupid shit that pisses them off. but i know that day isnt coming. theres no hope for me and i want to say sorry to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of knowing me but i know it wouldnt do anything. theres nothing i could ever do to make myself right

(new)

i need to convince my gf to take me to Round One again soon

refraction girl (nataana)

(old)

i don't want to do this anymore. i'm going somewhere better

(new)

talked with my psych and i’ll be starting TMS soon, it’s some thing where they put magnets to ur brain and it’s supposed to treat depression.. trying to temper my expectations bc i’ve tried so many treatments that just do nothing for me, but i’d be lying if i said my hopes weren’t riding on this. i want to confidently say i’m glad to be alive. i feel like i’m getting closer to that

nurse parallel/machine girl (xiomara)

(old)

I am so excited... Tomorrow my experimental outpatient treatment plan begins!!! I'm beyond delighted. I have complicated feelings about my DID being in remission, but it's nice to feel stable enough to be in charge of something this big, and to not have terrible gaps in my memory anymore. I still don't remember everything that happened to me, but maybe I don't need to. At this stage of my life, I feel content. I can confidently say everything was worth it. I want to help others feel that way, too. I think I can.

(new)

I’m meeting up with a new friend tomorrow… I feel nervous, but it’s a good nervousness, I think!

[astroyongie]

Seventeen: They Text You One Month After Your Death

Note: heavy angst and mentions of S* Scoups

"Wake up y/n and stay with me"  "I swear to god that right now, I need you here"  "I need you to stay strong baby.. Can you yell those words at me again please?"  "Ever since you left i try to remind me where I came from and where I belong, but without you i feel so lost in this earth"  "So wake up y/n.. and stay with me"

Wonwoo

"Its been a month already y/n.. do you remember, summer after high school, when we first met?"  "We maded out in my car and on my 18th birthday, we got those stupid matching tattoos. I still cry when i look at mine"  "do you remember when we used to steal your parents' liquor and go to your room? we spoke about our future like we had a clue you would leave me"  "fuck i never planned that one day I would be losing you. Why did you got to leave?"  "In another life y/n, I would be your husband and we both could keep all our promises of being happy together"

Mingyu

"I've been holding my breath each time i think of you"  “Wonwoo told me he put lillies on your tomb today. Sorry. didn't come, I've been holding back tears ever since that day"  "I miss you so much y/n"  "I've done a lot of things wrong, but i swear loving you was never one"

Vernon

"y/n"  "I can't imagine a world with you gone and yet here we are. Fuck i am still in denial"  "I have always said i would be so lost if you left me alone in this fucked up world"  "I can't stop crying"  "the images of you locked in the bathroom, lying on the floor when I broke through"  "and i pulled you y/n, did you felt me? did you heard me y/n? I pull you in to feel your heartbeat and i couldnt hear a damn thing"  "did you hear me screaming?"  "Please don't leave me"

Hoshi

"It's not true. Even today i can't accept that its true"  "y/n, please tell me I've been lied to, that you are still here, that you are still alive and well somewhere"  "Crying isn't like me, but i didn't stop ever since you left"  "What the hell did I do?"  "I love you but I don't want to"  "this hurts so much"

The8

"Hey y/n how have you been? Have you been sleeping well? have you been eating well?"  "I hope you are wearing that hoodie i gave you. I am wearing the one you gave me. as a matter of fact i dont have the heart to remove it"  "I hope you bribed the door on your way to the sky. I know god wouldnt mind it"  "y/n wait for me yeah? I miss you. Dont cry for me. The end is near”

Jun

"Hey y/n"  "sorry i am only talking to you now.. ah, i may have fucked up ahah"  "I am currently laying in the silence, waiting for the sirens of the ambulance"  "yeah.. i fucked up.. but i missed you so much"  "I'm alive still.."  "I don't wanna lose it but i cant bare being apart from you"  "but I'm not getting through this.. y/n what should i do?"  "should I pray? to whom? to myself? to a God?"  "y/n.. help me"

Dino

"miss your touch every nights y/n.. lately i have been feeling a little hollow. And you how have you been feeling?"  "I know you crossed the bridge that I can't follow, but hey brat, you could have said goodbye"  "but now we cant change the past.. the love that you left is all that I get"  "I want you to know that, if I can't be close to you, I'll try settle for the ghost of you"  "I miss you more than life"

Woozi

"I am sorry i keep texting you. i just hate you so much right now.” ”never saw it coming, I couldn't read the signs that you werent okay and fuck this.. i hate myself"  "Now I know that it means nothing"  "you are always on my mind y/n"  "the others are trying to tricked into believing that everything will work out in the end"  "fuck them. You were the only one for me"

Joshua

"Hey baby how are you? I am not doing good ahah.."  "All I want is nothing more but too hear you knocking at our appartment door"  "if I could see your face once more y/n, I could die a happy man"  "When you said your last goodbye that night, when that fucking disease took you, i swear to all angels I died a little bit inside"  "y/n, i miss you so much and all i do is lay in tears in bed"  "I never felt so alone"  "But if you loved me, why you leaved me?"

Jeonghan

"Yo brat.." “Woozi and Joshua made me text you.. tsk they are idiots.."  "but hey brat.. you were the light to my shadow, did you know?"  "fuck god to take my star. another star they say, fuck them. you are fading away in my memory"  "Where are you now brat? Are you okay?"  "Please... y/n."

DK

"y/n I think I lost myself again"  "But I remember you told me to stay strong and Seungkwan has been nagging me to eat more"  "But I wish you would be the one telling me that"  "y/n tell me why our love is six feet under ground? Are you cold down there?"  "I will go to your grave tomorrow.. Wonwoo told me to watered the Dahlias"  "Would they bloom?"  "It's all too much for me"  "How could you die carelessly? Whos gonna take care of my heart now?"

Seungkwan

"Hey baby"  "i decided to text you bc sunday mornings were your favorite and we used to meet with the gang"  "your last sunday you did your hair up, you looked so pretty"  "y/n, I have been screamin at a God for the past weeks"  "I'm still holding on to everything, I don't wanna say goodbye bc this one means forever"  "I don't want to say goodbye so please.. come back to me"

[heister-shmeister]

a list of my payday headcanons

houston has kleptomania and not in the sense that the others do he has the disorder

houston autism

jacket would never kill a civilian willingly

if jacket is ever responsible for the death of civilians he will not be physically able to go on a heist for at least a week

jacket is hispanic

sokol grew up being taught some yucky ideals and has to learn how to not be an asshole

houston lost an eye in prison

sokol adhd

hoxton ptsd

clover pcos

joy transfem

i bounce between jacket having physical trauma making him mute or past trauma making him practically unable to talk for one reason or another

jacket collects vintage game consoles

joy has crashed tetris but cant share it online due to being a wanted felon

joy is cringe on purpose

jacket needs to be reminded to eat drink sleep and piss and he has developed numerous health issues due to depression

houston trans depending on the moment

sydney intersex

clover big fat lesbian

core 4 heisters hoxton, wolf, dallas, chains are a polycule but dont know what polycule means theyre just all dating each other and never bring it up

jacket is obscenely good at claw machines

houston miraculously knows the code to most employee only doors in any grocery store

jacket owns way too much junk that he doesnt do anything with

jacket eats disgustingly sour foods like nothing

one warhead would kill sokol (one nuclear warhead would kill anybody but i mean the candy)

if you made kraft mac and cheese for joy she would cry

sokol gambling addiction

jacket is very prone to throwing up

gore doesnt make jacket nauseous but things like the gunk at the bottom of the sink, chewing his food for too long, touching paper with his bare hands, and unnecessary civilian casualties can make him gag or throw up

this being said jacket autistic

jacket and sydney are both not beyond throwing a brick at a cop. none of the heisters are but these two seem to be jonesing at the chance to pick up a brick and beat a cop with it even if they have weapons already

jacket has tan lines

clover finds the luckiest loot and has the luckiest chance to lockpick doors and stuff but jacket gets the luckiest kills such as throwing one brick and knocking over three cops in a domino effect

jacket tans during summer and becomes pale as fuck in the winter

houston and sokol burn in the sun they shrivel immediately

houston likes the beastie boys, acdc and queen

jacket likes the talking heads and has been caught doing the once in a lifetime dance on multiple occasions

dallas makes hot chocolate with water and tea with cold water because he didnt understand how it worked until someone yelled at him

sokol doesnt know a lot of chemical safety tips he has combined bleach and ammonia before and joy stared at him in total shock

the smoke and carbon monoxide alarms are both lacking batteries in the safehouse

wolf they/he

sydney she/it

whenever sokol is asked for his pronouns he answers “man”

jacket wont answer you if you ask but fr he prefers he/him he just thinks its rlly funny when people call him something other than that because he doesnt answer

hoxton uses fag to describe a cigarette way too often like too often for it to just be british bullshit he says it every chance he gets like hes jonesing to say it

sokol has dyscalculia which means he cannawt do math

sydney also has dyscalculia

i think itd be funny and ironic if duke was dyslexic

jacket fucks with dragonball HEAVY

JACKET. WOULD NOT HURT A CIVILIAN. WILLINGLY.

sydney likes slipknot in my heart

houston fucks with crossword puzzles

clover and dallas will both beat the shit out of you if you spoil the wordle

houston likes to sit at the table with a cup of coffee staring at the newspaper like hes a middle aged father

dallas does this normally completely unironically

theres this one cloaker that never dies that jacket has immense beef with

houston, wolf, or chains will be sitting by a drill actually praying to god thatll unjam then sokol or jacket will wander over, whack it, and itll miraculously fix itself

jackets like those videos of a guy going through the side quest that is starting his really shitty car and the thing is whining until he threateningly holds a pair of pliers by it and it stops

hes like that but with drills. he will walk over and hold the carpenters delight by it threateningly then itll just unjam

sokol tries to record it happening but nobody believes him

joy skateboard bottom text

joy has made playlists for everyone in the payday gang like theyre her little blorbos

[erosjournal]

੭* ‧₊° ~ some song lyrics that remind me of valgrace;

"you with the dark curls, you with the watercolor eyes," - dear arkansas daughter

"when they closed their eyes and prayed you would change, and they cut your hair and sent you away, you stopped by my house the night you escaped, with tears in my eyes, i begged you to stay, you said 'hey, man, i love you, but no fucking way," - twin size mattress

"luck of the draw only draws the unlucky, so i became the butt of the joke. i wounded the good and i trusted the wicked. clearing the air, i breathed in the smoke. maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down. maybe i've stormed out of every single room in this town, threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now, it's brighter now, now," - daylight

“oh, wont you kiss me on the mouth, and love me like a sailor? and when you get a taste, can you tell me whats my flavor? i dont believe in god, but i believe that your my savior. my mom says that shes worried. but im covered in this favor. and when were getting dirty, i forget all that is wrong. i sleep so i can see you ‘cause id hate to wait so long, i sleep so i can see you ‘cause id hate to wait so long.” - sailor song

“please, i’ve been on my knees, change the prophecy, dont want money just someone who wants my company, let it once be me, who do i have to speak to about if they can redo, the prophecy?” - the prophecy

“it was summer when i saw your face, looked like a teenage runaway. oh god, i never thought we’d take it that far, some killer queen you are. now im running and i cant stop anywhere i go i think about it every day and night, i cant let go. man, im never the same. we were shotgun lovers, im a shotgun running away.” - rollercoaster

“you know i talk too much. honey, come put your lips on mine, and shut me up. we could blame it all on human nature. stay cool, its just a kiss, so why you gotta be so talkative? i talk too much, we talk too much.” - talk too much

“meteor shower, quick take cover. but the hues in our hair compliment one another. id sell my bones for sapphire stones, ‘cause blues your favorite color.” - meteor shower

“ive been runnin' through the jungle? ive been runnin' with the wolves to get to you, to get to you.” - wolves

“oh, all i really wanted was that look in your eyes, like you already know that im the love of your life, like you already know youre never saying goodbye, but im not yours. im not yours, im not yours. i want more.” - yours

[oinkinpigprince]

Osomatsusan older sibling headcanons!!!!!

In this the sibling is still in highschool, lol(I’m in high school, I want out I’m boutta go bonkers)

Osomatsu

This little shit, he tries so hard to be the respectable older brother. But you know damn well he’s a little scum bag

Gives really bad dating advice, like he knows what he’s talking about. You listen to him and you got yourself a one way ticket to a restraining order

Tries to help you with homework n shit but, he’s secretly illiterate and can’t do long division. He tries his best

If you ask him to do your homework though and you get a low grade, he’ll be so fucking offended. Probably go down to the school himself to complain

DONT THINK JUST BECAUSE YOUR A BABY HE WONT BE A DICK TO YOU

He makes fun of you so fucking hard, it won’t matter if you’re turning 18 in 2 days he’ll come up to you like “ew who left this ugly deformed baby here, get out you stupid little baby!!!”

He isn’t allowed to pick you up from anywhere, you had to walk in the rain cause he forgot you existed lol

This has happened more then once

He worked his ass off to repay you each time though, he’ll spend all the yen he earn to make you forgive him

Genuinely does care for you and if you bring someone home, he’ll pull the scary big brother act. Doesn’t matter your gender or your partners gender. He needs to show them who they’re gonna have to deal with >:((

Karamatsu

Karamatsu is SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING, YOU CANT GO ANYWHERE WITH HIM

Pray to god he never sees you hanging out with friends, he’ll unintentionally embarrass the hell out of you

You two locked eyes and you knew damn and well it was over for you

“Is that my dearest baby sibling? Oh and they have company! My dearest angel baby sibling may I accompany thee to make sure no one gives you any trouble”

“Karamatsu I’m fucking 17” “nonsense, I know you have trouble speaking up for yourself so allow me to! My darling baby sibling”

He just wants to make sure his dearest darling angel baby sweetest little sibling is okay and doesn’t get hurt

Actually very sweet, and just wants you to know you’re loved and cared for. He’s probably the best one to come to if you’re having problems

He probably will cry if you struggle with insecurities and self doubt, you’re so cool how fucking could you >:((

If you wanna explore your style him and Todomatsu are your guys. He’d probably love dolling you up in his flashy clothing

The rest of the brothers make fun of you, but the happiness in Karamatsu’s eyes seeing his baby sibling indulge in his wacky clothing sense makes it worth it

Cannot fathom you doing ANYTHING wrong, he could watch you smoke crack out of a pipe and he’s just like “lol, what cool magic tricks my dearest sibling does!”

Will fight tooth and nail for you, even if you’re in the wrong

“Hey (y/n)! You took my fucking donut”

“how could you even fathom them doing something so stupid they would never!”

“Lol i totally did”

“. . . My dear baby sibling once again, taking the blame so their elder brothers don’t have to fight! Taking on the burden of keeping us from tearing each other apart! Truly remarkable!”

Choromatsu

Mother hen!! Smothers you a lot to make sure you’re doing fine and you’re getting enough sleep, food, and water(I think he just likes the authority he gets over you)

If you’re a shut in he’ll take you on walks around the park and maybe buy you a little treat, to make sure you don’t shrivel away in the dark

Has beaten osomatsu and Karamatsu’s asses for doing your home work for you. Makes you do it yourself but guides you to the right answer

Probably pressures you into taking higher classes, joining clubs, and other things. Wants you to he successful and well rounded so you aren’t stuck like him and the other brothers

If you are also into idols he is ECSTATIC, if he wants to share his interests and hobbies with anyone it’s YOU

Actually loves listening to the music you enjoy, even if it’s death metal or rap. He’ll indulge in it to get closer to you.

You and him have lazy days where you watch magical girl shows like salior moon or madoka

Hassles you on your friends and what they’re like, doesn’t care for drama but likes to keep tabs on the types of crowds you’re in

If you get sick, it’s fucking over for you. Will not let you out of bed for a hurricane, will make you sleep in that bad and take all of the gross medicines that make you feel sicker than before

Ichimatsu

Doesn’t actually talk to you much, he loves you and all but just kinda tries and hides from you at home

He feels like a total fuck up, and hates the idea of you seeing him as a useless bag of garbage

Ichimatsu though does like watching you grow up, when he sees you out with friends he can’t help but tear up a little

Seeing you so happy with your friends makes him feel all warm and fuzzy, he just hope you’re being true to yourself unlike him

He totally goes to fuck it up though, 100% he spots you with your friends and decides ‘I’m gonna ruin this precious moment’ strolls up like “you kids ever heard of goatse?”

You have to SCREECH at him before he scares off your friends, he thinks it’s so fucking funny the way you try and claw at his face to give him to shut up

“You ever heard of this thing called un-bir-” “OMFG GO AWAY YOU CHRONICALLY ONLINE TROLL!!!!!”

Absolute bastard, he knows it pisses you off

Sometimes though, he’ll bring you a random cat and just kinda, hand it to you. You have to pet it, it’s the law, you have to listen to your big brother, he’ll call the fuckin, pet the cat, don’t make him call the police on you

He’s the reason why you cannot tell your brothers if you’re going on a date, he’ll find you, and when he does. You might as well have cancel the date and faked your own death and move to Russia

Scares the shit out of you and your partner, you and your partner are sitting at a cute cafe and he just sits right next to your partner and stares so intensely, unblinking

It doesn’t end until your partner leaves, mission success. Doesn’t even say goodbye just leaves

Jyushimatsu

Makes you play baseball with him, he’s the reason you can pitch a perfect throw

Wants to be around you constantly, and knows exactly how to make you smile and laugh, and abuses it horribly

He’s actually one of the sweetest brothers, he’ll try and help you with EVERYTHING, doesn’t matter if he’s any good

Would really want you to join a sport but if you end up being more into the arts he’s just as happy

He still thinks of you as a little baby so when you mention anything about highschool or normal teenage activities hes Just Like “BUT YOURE LIKE 3?!” “JYUSHI IM FUCKING 18”

Jyushimatsu had no perception of time, you’re 3 years old forever, sorry

Him and Choromatsu bring you out a lot, especially if you don’t go out he’ll drag you to do activities, and he gets creative

He’ll pick you up and go “ewwww, look at this stinky baby, let’s throw it back in the dumpster”

Jyushimatsu never lets you over work yourself, every time he sees you even remotely stressed he is ON IT, he’ll octopus wrestle you onto the floor for a nap, no escape

Jyushi also is probably the most ride or die person you will meet, if you told him you kicked a yakuza member in the balls and stole their money and contraband he’ll just nod and say “okay, let me go get my bat” and help you dismantle the entire crime district just so you don’t get hurt

But usually he’ll just drive you to target to go replace a vase you broke

Todomatsu

You’re his only sibling, he only has a younger sibling and he will die on that fact

Todomatsu will often take you out to drink coffee and take pictures, he loves spending time with you almost as much as Jyushimatsu and buys you tones of cute clothes

He loves playing dress up w/ you, especially if you’ll let him dress you up really girly

He’ll grab you and use you to pick up chicks too, playing the perfect big brother role. He acts so sweet but you know it’s a slimey little act

Todo constantly asks who your favorite brother is, kicking his legs up trying to look cute. God forbid you say anyone but him, he once refused to talk to you for a week cause you said someone else

“ WELL WHY DONT YOU GO ASK YOUR FAAAAV BROTHER THEN!!”

He is really cuddly though, you’re having a bad day and just wanna relax go to him. He’ll get you some snacks and put on a movie and you two will just sit under a blanket and talk shit about the other people at your high school

He also loooves the Highschool drama, he will sit you down and buy you coffee just for the chance to judge a bunch of children’s morality choices and also spend time with you. Friend drama? Class drama? Some kid almost died from alcohol poisoning in math class? He��s all ears

Todomatsu will also tell you about all of the shit he use to get into during his highschool year (he’s totally not lying or really did happen you have to believe him)

When it comes to dating he actually have some decent advice but also complains, how can you get bitches and he can’t?! It’s not fair he’s cuter than you!!

You feel so loved in this house

[megamindsecretlair]

I was wondering how you stay consistent with all the fics you be posting. Gurl give us the tea. You dropped like four back to back.

Lmfaooo, yall making me feel like im a fic addict 😭🤣🤣

See, what you do is meditate for 2 hours straight, praying on your muse to beam ideas and writing straight to your skull. Grab an acorn, a candle (your favorite scent), red twine, and a bottle of henny. And make a circle...lmfaooo jk jk.

TL;DR: my mind never shuts up 🫠 never turns off, never stops running, and that energy has to go somewhere, okay 😭

I wish I could take all the credit. I am the one writing it. But I have a close group of friends who let me vent out my ideas or give me ideas on how to improve. They listen to my nonsense, love yall so gd much 😗 @planetblaque @westside-rot @babybratzmaraj .

Other times, the ask is just so detailed, so rich, that it sparks some inspo and I get to writing. I am so in love with the creativity yall have on here. Completely blown away by these ideas you request!

It also helps that I went to film school and was taught how to think visually. You don't have to go to school for that, you just have to expand how you currently think about scenes.

Most times, as mentioned, my brain doesn't shut up. Even when I'm sleeping. There's this running commentary in my mind where I'm constantly turning over fics in my head. I think about scenes, I think about dialogue, I think about sex positions. Half the time, I'm scatterbrained irl because I'm too busy fucking in my head 🤣🤣

I write in my head, if that makes sense. I have these loose scenes in my head that I kind of play around with. I attack the scene from multiple angles trying to think of what sounds better.

Soo, when I sit down to write ive already done half the mental battle. I've already thought about the characters, the scenes, the motivations, the positions. It's just a matter of sitting down and writing it and it flows. I re-read my own writing all the time. But *way* after I've written it and moved on.

There's still moments where I have to pause and think about what comes next. Theres still times where I have to picture what tf is happening 🤣 or what's being said. Or what they're feeling at the moment.

Truth is, I just like to write. I've been writing since I was 11. It wasn't until I re-joined Tumblr at age 30 that I fell back in love with writing. I always loved it. But at a low point in my life, I felt hopeless that no one would ever want to read my writing. I thought I should've just quit altogether.

But by writing on here, I discovered that writing is for ME. If im having fun, then i know you will. I wont lie and say its not scary. I post overnight because I dont want the anxiety of seeing comments and reblogs trickle in 🤧 but the one rule I had for posting my writing, was to write for me. Write for the little girl who thought she couldnt. Write for the little weirdo who loves marvel and has anxiety and constantly feel like im being rejected. Thats who i write for. Thank God I didn't quit 😍🥹 I never would've met any of you. I never would've grown as a writer.

Being here with all of you, sharing my writing, seeing your reactions makes my fn day every day 😭 it's because of YOU that I felt confident enough to write a book.

I didn't get here by accident, I just write. And write often. And I read often. I learn from every single person that posts on here. I learn from all the feedback you give me.

My brain ought to do something useful since it doesn't know how to sit the fuck down 😩😩😩

Sorry this was long? Hope this helped? Feel free to ask more? Idkidk. Its still weird talking about myself. Thanks for this ask though 😗😗😗

[mythicalcowboyatheart]

Meat and Greet 3: I'd fuck you

Warnings: murder, smut, oral sex (m and f receiving)

Part 2 Part 4

An: yes more smut lol, smut below the cut! Also Spencer in wig and makeup!! 🤭

»»———-►»»———-►»»———-►»»———-►

I awoke, not feeling the warmth of Spencers body I sat up slowly. I noticed I still didn't have the hand cuffs on. I sat there in bed for a minute letting my eyes adjust to the darkness of the room, and secretly hopeing Spencer would come back to bed. I stayed sitting on the bed for a moment or two after my eyes adjust to the darkness then I decided to get out of bed and decided to explore abit.

I exited the room and looked around I could see the bathroom ware Spencer and I had showered, besides the bathroom and the bedroom I had slept there were a few other doors on the upstairs of the house. I assume they are other bedrooms and decide to go down the wooden stairs.

I reach the bottom and I immediately see the living room ware I passed out in, a little off to the side I see the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and there's a door, I put my ear to it and hear talking it sounds like it's coming from a far away hallway or maybe a... basement! As I come to the realization it's most likely a basement I hear screaming coming from the other side of the door.

I slowly grab the handle and begin to as quietly as possible open the door. I see more stairs and a faint light coming from the bottom. I take a deep breath before beginning another descent down steps.

The screams become louder and louder as I reach the bottom and I peek around the agape door way. I watch as a man tied up in a chair wiggles and squirms attempting to brake free from his restraints. I notice he has blood running down his face and body. Before I can get to deep into thought, Spencer comes into my line of view. He is now wareing a pair of jeans and a long blonde wig? Spencer got closer to the tied up man I note Spencer has a knife in hand as he slits the man's throat.

I gasp loudly and I watch as Spencers head snaps my way. He's face soffen. And with this lighting I can tell he is also wareing lipstick and eyeshadow. "How was your sleep my love?" He asks not sounding bothered by the dead person sitting not even a foot away from him. I dont respond instead I back away from him shock and horror very prominent on my face. He drops the knife and walks towards me. Im frozen in place I can't move. He gets right in front of me. "Don't be scared love." He reaches his hand to coress my cheek and I flinch away from his touch. "I would never hurt you" he reassures me. "I just saw you kill a man Spencer how do I know if I'm not gonna be next?" I say my eyes welling up with tears. "Oh love I could never hurt you! He was a pervert that prayed on young girls. I would never do that to you I love you!" He pulls me in to his embrace also covering me in the still warm and sticky blood. l hug him back and we stand there for a bit before I speak again, "so whats with the wig and makeup?" I giggle while wipeing my tears. Spencer laughs. "Well I just kind do this when I killing." "why?" "Do you not like it?" Spencer questions. "No! I actually like it..." I blush. "Oh, do you like when I ware make-up?" He traes. I feel my face get more red.He started to kiss me, pushing me up against the wall behind me, then He kissed my neck and all the way down until he was in- between my thighs

He looked up at me, his eyes so full of lust that I could feel myself getting wetter. He lifted my leg and put it on his shoulder, then pushed his tongue inside of me. "Ohhhh God, "I moaned as he licked my clit

He sucked on it and flicked it with his tongue. My whole body felt like it was on fire. I grabbed onto his hair (well the wig) and pulled him closer to me. He slid two fingers into me and started fucking me harder and faster.

I couldn't hold back anymore. I came hard, screaming his name as I did.I opened my eyes slowly, still trying to catch my breath. His head was resting against my thigh, but his hand was still buried inside of me.

He looked up at me, smiling. "That was amazing." He said. "But we're not done yet." He pulled me off the wall and took my spot. "Come here." I walked towards him, still feeling a little dizzy from the orgasm.

He was now in front of me and motioned for me to kneel in front of him. "Now it's your turn."

I smiled at him and knelt down in front of him. He pulled out his cock and started stroking it. It was already rock hard. "You know what to do." I leaned forward and took his cock into my mouth.

I ran my tongue around the tip, tasting his pre-cum. Then I licked down the entire length, taking more into my mouth. He moaned as I sucked him. I knew he liked it when I deepthroated him.

I kept sucking him, making sure not to forget any part of him. I wanted to make him cum fast. I didn't want to stop. I wrapped my lips around his cock and started moving them up and down.

I could hear him breathing heavily. I increased my speed and heard him gasp. I knew he was about to cum. I sucked even harder and felt him tense up. He let out a loud groan and filled my mouth with his cum.

I swallowed every drop. After he was finished, I looked up at him. "I love you." He smiled at me. "I love you too."

[famouslastwrdz]

i wake, as i do, in agony. 

i turn over for my painkillers and take three too many. tim pretends not to notice. 

it came out of almost nowhere, that month. ive always had trouble with my knees but i couldnt walk. and then i couldnt extend my arms properly, and couldnt grip anything right. and i thought i was faking it, and then i was seizing on the floor of the hallway whilst my brother kept my head elevated and tried to reach his phone whilst still keeping me comforted. 

and then i was losing my balance on flat concrete whilst walking with friends.

and then i was dropping what i was holding.

and then i was vomiting pure alcohol because no otc painkillers worked for the fire behind my kneecaps and in my thighs. 

and then i was still convinced i was faking it. felt like the kid from the old groupchat. convinced i was just a fraud who wanted to be special.

and then i had a stroke.

i cant think about it too long, cant joke too much about it, cant sit with it. i can joke about anything else but the jokes i make about that are hollow and send me silent in the backs of cars and in my head. i have never felt mortal before then. i slash my wrists and swallow bottles of pills and drink mugfuls of vodka and never once thought i could die in any meaningful way, but for that hour i felt like death was a tangible thing with touchable grace. 

im writing this as a soul above the bed watching my body type and my body is sobbing. wasting away from the inside with gerd and the remnants of a regurgitated mcdonalds and unprescribed medication. 

i think my demeanor makes it easy to assume i abuse substances for the hell of it, just for fun and to have a giggle. lifts my mood for sure, but it frees me. 

i am in constant pain. i dont say that lightly because part of me still screams fraud for every pill i take. but i am in pain all the time and it makes me angry and bitter and isolated. it makes me deny friends, lash out at strangers, ignore family. it makes me beg for just one day a month to stop hurting. 

im sat here now waiting for medication to start working so i can go back to sleep and im staring at blue's "hidden" bottle. 

i cant pray anymore, not the way i need to. it hurts to hold my rosary for that long, fingers locking up on the beads, and i hate it. i hate everythjng. i hate this cage of a body and this poor excuse of a life and my friends who love and care too much to let me die quietly. i am full of hatred and i hate that in itself. i sit in an empty call and hate myself and the world around me. 

they made me a cane and i had to go home and sob. its bright orange, handmade, incredible. an incredible gift. there is so much love in it. i keep crying periodically at it because god, to be loved so much someone makes you an aid, to be given something like that. 

i am surrounded by love and yet i leech hatred into the air the three of us breathe. i turn it bitter and resentful without ever meaning to. i am terrible to hang out with and worse to talk to and i despise that the only thing that made me this way is some unknown parasitical fucking pain, its embarrassing. and it hurts. i would give anything for my forgiveness back, for my unfailing empathy back, my understanding, my kindness. 

i have nothing more to say.