a.k - he/him/he/hymn - adult - did and cptsd recovery arc
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Nikita Gill, from Your Heart is the Sea: Poems; "Your Heart is the Sea," originally published in 2018
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don’t delay your healing by keeping tabs on them. live your life. let them live theirs. let yourself move on, and don’t waste your energy on them.
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thank god for my best friend i love them more than words can express
ah it turns out as most things are it was the poorly disguised rage
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ah it turns out as most things are it was the poorly disguised rage
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rereading my posts from all of 5 minutes ago and the silent undercurrent of i want to die i want to be dead is so strong that it’s actually terrifying
#i need to get my act together good god#bc i do Not want to be institutionalized rn#and damage myself and all the people around me#i guess i do have to actually start contacting therapists. God fucking damnit
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beginning to realize that there are other ways to relapse into self harm tendencies than physically hurting yourself
#sighs. stares at myself trying to blow up all my relationships#and treating myself like dirt#mamma FUCKING mia here i go again#the self loathing for being disabled/ill is literally fucking endless#and so mean#i LOOOVE preexisting mental health issues with new chronic conditions#god fucking dammit.
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Healing is also realizing you're going to have trauma reactions even after you decided to be healthy. That even after saying: "I want to heal, and rest, and I'm going to try to get better," you still let yourself reject help, struggle with trauma reactions, and unhealthy habits. That it's okay, and it's a part of healing. As long as you try to get better.
It's not going to happen immediately. If anything, at first, it's going to get way worse, horrible, even. And then better, and then bad again, and then you'll start getting relapses. And that's okay.
Relapse is a part of healing. Feeling all the bad stuff is a part of healing. Allowing yourself to be traumatized is a part of healing.
-host
#sigh.#stapling this into my brain#this is another depressive/suicidal/self destructive episode isn’t it
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i wish i was a better person. i wish i wasn’t sick and didn’t take people for granted and was better at accepting love and happier and knew how to actually return love and affection. i wish he wasn’t stuck with me. i wish he would leave and find someone better than me. but i don’t want to break up with him in case i’m wrong about everything and ruin it all again. i don’t know what to do. i wish i could just be left here to be numb and rot
i wish he would break up with me and find someone better than this who actually deserves him and isn’t just a tar pit
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i wish he would break up with me and find someone better than this who actually deserves him and isn’t just a tar pit
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and it’s NOT that im trying to override your pain with my own i know you’re suffering i know you just got bad news today and you don’t feel good and you’re sick and can’t help the way you want and you feel helpless and can’t do the things you want to right now. I KNOW. i want to be there for you. but it’s more news on top of more bad news on top of more bad news and i’m sick too and i can’t take care of myself let alone another person and im trying and it’s not working and i know im failing you and i know you think you’re failing me and maybe you are but im going to be sick forever and nothing can change that and i wish you hadn’t been so unlucky as to get stuck with me. i know you hate this i hate it too i know you hate all of this but i promise i hate myself more for letting all of this happen. im so sorry i failed you i fail everyone at some point and it’s just too much. i cant be there for everyone and help you too and host the holidays and keep a house clean and take care of myself and deal with all the things i need to do and coordinate all of the help and events and keep pretending it’s fine and that all of this is fine and i’m happy for you and not sick out of my mind with worry. because i am happy for you but you never take it easy and you won’t listen and now you’re hurting worse and i cant fix it and you keep overdoing it and i cant live with all of the stress. i cant live like this but i have to live with this and i dont know how to do them both at once and im just keeping it together so you dont lose someone else. and im very worried that i am still at heart a bad person but id rather die than address all of that. i thought things were going to be better than this. im so sorry that im leaving you to die again
#aka a formal and secret apology letter to my partner#who i do not deserve and who deserves better than putting up with me#i hope i can get better than this or that he finds someone better. god i hope so
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just found this and now i’m googling self lobotomy
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so. bad news. we have to keep going tomorrow. good news is that I’ll keep going with you
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It doesn’t happen like that. You don’t just wake up one day and find that everything has worked itself out. You must get out of bed, morning after morning, and make a conscious effort to control the circumstances of that given day. You must learn to handle your issues with grace because you respect what they are attempting to teach you. You must drown your insecurities slowly, one self-realization at a time. You must allow yourself to feel the fear bubbling just beneath your skin but you must never allow it the satisfaction of crippling you; grit your teeth and march on. You see, they never tell you how hard these things will be. This fight to reclaim yourself is not easy or straightforward but, my god, is it necessary.
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"everybody hates me" factoid actually just a statistical error. The average person doesn't hate you, especially not your friends. You, a person who sits in your room experiencing self loathing every day, are an outlier adn should not have been counted.
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