#she didnt go to any of my plays. or my graduation celebrations

[not-the-grave]

the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane

[marshmallowprotection]

Hello, maybe you coukd give me some tips. I send you that ask already but it means ght be deleted by tumblr and it was all messy and ugly.

So I have one childhood friend, we used to do everything together till highschool. Often she was my only friend, like now. We slowly started to distance from each other sonce she has a boyfriend. For all those years I did my best to accept him and all, told myself that duh she is not obliged to spent time only with me even in situation when she spent less and less time with me. Sometime I had a bit trouble to fully accept bf because sometime when they argued she was venting to me and I felt like his is hurting her but she refused to break up with him. Boy eas very insecure, no friends and so on and one day around graduating junior hight school she wanted to break up with him but he said something like he is gonna hurt himself if she will, or just drop out the school. So she wanted to wait at least until he graduate, but she waited longer. Then just after we graduated hightschool she broke up with him like she had enought. It was prolly a mistake but after she vent I said one or two things about him concerning past events and I said 'wow finally'. After a while they made up and she said she just missend him. I promissed mtself I will never comment whatever she tell me about them, unless in a good way.

Well... the point is that I am probably jellous, that she doesnt want to spent time with me anymore. Alway if I ask her out I give her to eventually pick the date, if nit today then maybe tomorrow etc y know introvert way :D And im trying to save this friendship? She is not the person busy 24/7, unless maybe when she is in uni or we count playing games as being busy. I play games too sometime.

Sometime it seems like she tries to avoid me and dont want to tell me anything. One day I was talking to her in cafee and she was just fidgeting with her phone. She didnt even like heck the socialmedia, just switching between random (system?) folders on the phone. When I asked abt it why she doesnt listen, she said she wanted to do sth but forgot what. Another time I havent seen her for months and she alway soent holidays 1 month her bf comes to her (he lives abroad already I guess) and I dont want to disturb them of feel like third wheel and the other month she come to him. So like week before she pnanned to go I asked her to go out next day. She said she cant. So asked another day, she answered : but I go to my bf. So I surprised that its that soon and sad I missed the oportunity: oh really? When? She: on Friday me: but its Monday(?)(no answer) so...? She: ught I know ;;; but lately I dont really feel like going anywhere :(

Well... maybe I'm childish but I felt sad.

I'm also jellous that they even celebrate each others bdays altought she never do that bc of religious reasons and I've always respected that.

Once I asked her what is with us, we barely talk for last few years and I feel like she is avoiding me. She had no Idea what I was talking about, she felt like everything was the same.

I was told to not have much hope or expectations toward her bu maybe try to text her or maybe arrange a meeting once in a while and try not to become bitter.

The other one sait that that how adulthood looks like, we become busier with private issues and so on and I may act childish and selfish, but as far as I know except for time she go to uni or to her bf she is not that busy, definitely not that busy not to have time to meet with me more than once in a whole year (or none) when we live ~20min apart by foot. I dont want to be burden to anyone or feel like third wheel so I dunno what to do. I have problem with finding friends, she was my only one friend (?) for years. I dont trust ppl easly

I wanted to do more things together outside since we both used to or still do soent too much time on the computer but well... you know, together is easier.

Since I have to do it on my own maybe you have some ideas? Thats stupid wuestion I guess since you dont know my environment. Jogging and biking wont work I guess since I dont have proper bike. I wanted to plant some flowers but I was afraid I screw everything up since im kida kid who grow up in the bubble and Im not sure how to do basics and nobody wanted to help me and its too late already... Walk is fine but I prefer places far from road and since I'm not supposed to go to the forest that I love I dont have many spots to go.

I am sorry for long post. Any even tiny help would be appreaciated. I hope thats not much of the problem, have a nice day or night :)

-PineconeAnon

I do think that it's time for you to let go of the friendship. I know that's hard to do but people grow apart and that's okay. It's okay. You'll be able to make better relationships and move forward but you have to learn to let go and keep walking forward. It sounds like you're holding onto this friendship because you want to keep going on like it's the past but...

It doesn't work like that. Change happens. It hurts sometimes but it's not a bad thing. You can reflect on this with time and learn how to be able to accept it. You need someone that wants to hang out with you and relax with you. It's not childish to be upset but it's important to see when people just... don't have time for you anymore and feelings change.

It just seems like you both have a fundamental misunderstanding and if you can't talk that through, then it's not working. You can try to talk about it but it seems like it'd be better to just let go. She doesn't think there's something wrong but you do. If you feel stress around her instead of friendship, it's not great.

But, that's up to you, you know? You decide your relationships what you want them to be.

I don't really have great advice for making friends as an adult. I'm not exactly going out and interacting with people. I can suggest finding a new set of friends online by joining Discords and interacting with the fandoms you're in because that's how I've made friends. It's easier to do that if you're anxious about making friends outside.

Try new hobbies. Take a deep breath. If you want to garden, try it out. You're not going to be perfect the first time. It's a learning process at anything and you have to just try. You don't get to live it if you don't try. You have to consider your limits and reflect on what is going to be the easiest thing to try.

It's never too late.

Try to start small and work your way up.

[levinneheart]

I'm the tanaka request! o.o I didnt see the other prompt lists! it's from prompt 1 and I'd love a fluffy scenario?? but if you add a little angst to make me suffer i wouldn't be opposed to it thank you bbyyy

❝ heeeey!! i looove your writing!!! it makes me go fnfjkdksnaj idk if you're taking requests but if you are can i ask for 13 + 28 with Tanaka? my boy needs some loveeee thank youuuu ❞ — requested by anon

ASDFGHJKL! Thank you for my first request and for requesting this bby, anon! I’m so sorry this took so long! This was supposed to be a headcanon but it ended up getting super long so I decided it’ll be a scenario. Glad you enjoy my writing, hope I did him justice here 👉👈 Also, I left the ending up to you! Tehehe. N e wayz... Happy reading!~ (Fun fact: I was this 🤏 close to turning this into a fully angst story but I held back hahahaha). Love from Levinne

Uno

requested on: 26-27th of July 2020

finished on: 31st of July 2020 (around 9pm)

➳ Pairing: Tanaka Ryuunosuke x F!Reader (ft. Shimizu Kiyoko)

➳ Synopsis: u·no(adj.) — one in spanish

➳ Genre: Fluff, Angst, First Kiss, Pinning, Scenario

➳ Prompt: 13 ‘Wait! Please don’t pull away... not yet’ + 28 ‘You were my first kiss’ from prompt 1

➳ Word count: 1k+

➳ Warnings: Slight angst, slight manga spoiler if you squint

➳ Playlist: Both Of Us by B.oB. (ft. Taylor Swift), Just A Dream by Nelly (Sam Tsui Cover), Just Give Me A Reason by P!nk (ft. Nate Ruess), Sad Song by We The Kings (ft. Elena Coats) that inspired this scenario!

They first met and became childhood friends because both of their representative parents were close to each other since college but unlike their older siblings, Saeko and (r/n)... (y/n) and Ryuunosuke weren’t exactly friends.

They were more like... acquaintances who went to each other���s houses to celebrate a relatives’ bday or some special occasion that their parents dragged them to.

(Y/n) always meet Ryuunosuke with your mother and vice versa, but when they do encounter each other... she’ll politely nod her head to greet him whilst he awkwardly waves a hand in response.

Until one day on Saeko’s birthday, (y/n) and Ryuunosuke were partnered up by the game host on a game called: newspaper dance. Wherein players are grouped into pairs and given a page of a newspaper. The players dance around the paper until the music stops wherein they have to stand on the paper and remain so until the music starts again. As the game progresses, the paper is folded in half for each round and each pair must make ways to pass each round. A pair which steps out of the paper is eliminated and the last team standing wins.

The competition was steep since there’s only two pairs left: them and a pair of their siblings’ friends – they were surprisingly winning by a hair, it was also unexpectedly easy to adjust and cooperate with Ryuunosuke.

On the next turn, the newspaper was folded to a one-fourth sized intermediate paper, causing them to struggle with putting both of their feet on the paper and keeping their balance — the adrenaline was now high and the pressure was on as the game host and everybody else started counting down.

In her panicked self, (y/n) boldly asked Ryuunosuke if she could carry him and when he nodded — she immediately put one leg on her hip and wrapped her arms under his butt before carrying him as she tipped over the small folded newspaper.

She couldn’t see the other pair in her position but she focused on the task at hand, quite literally. After what felt like eternity to her was actually just five minutes. “You can put me down now.” He said, tapping her shoulder as (y/n) slowly crouched down and settled him on the ground.

They were obviously announced as winners!

After that incident, they started talking more. Ryuu began changing to a loud extrovert before shaving his beautiful blond hair off, although (y/n) liked his hair - if he preferred it shaved then she’ll respect his decision.

It wasn’t until middle school that they became tight knit like surrogate siblings! These days are when Ryuu became hot-headed and prone to fights while (y/n) was the one who kept him in line and helped him study, especially when he needed a high score to continue playing in the volleyball club.

They were now on the middle school graduation, (y/n) actually managed to help Ryuu pass and graduate with her help. He knows she know that he’s indebted to her so after the ceremony, Ryuu approached her and asked if he could do anything to make it up to her since she was always so patient with him.

“Ice cream and a hug.” She answered.

His eyes widen in disbelief. “That’s all?”

“Mhm.”

“I’ll give you a hug after the ceremony on the after party.”

“There’s an after party?”

“Yeah, at our house with our families.”

“Of course.” She scoffed, rolling her eyes.

Ryuu chuckled. “But we’re not attending.”

(Y/n) looked at his smirking face with a smirk of her own, thus forming a plan that only them could think of. It would surely bring chaos to the after party and to their families because they won’t know what hit them.

In the graduation ceremony, they went up to their friends and made small talk before taking a bunch of pictures with them and their families. It was a heartwarming and fun experience to everybody who graduated and attended. However, on the way to Ryuu’s house, they started chatting with each other on their phones and internally snickering to themselves in the backseat of their parents’ cars as they went through their plan once again.

Once they arrive at their destination, the plan commences. (Y/n) approach her parents and asked if she could have a sleepover with Ryuu after the after party as she removed her graduation gown and handed it to her mother before informing them, she’ll ask Saeko if she could borrow some of her old clothes so that they won’t have to worry about that. (Yer mother’s name) told her if she behaves then she could, to which (y/n) eagerly agrees on.

Stage one of the plan was a success! Now, stage two is to borrow clothes which was the easiest of the plan since when Saeko heard little (y/n) was staying the night, she immediately gave her old clothes that didn’t fit her anymore. Next is the tricky part... stage three. They worked fast and diligently as they started by taking pieces of food, one by one so no one would noticed and that was also a success. Stage four is to escape unnoticed from the after party which went without any hitch. And lastly, stage five: locking themselves in Ryuu’s room and having their own little party.

Ryuu went out of his room to buy you ice cream and got seen by his sister as everyone was looking everywhere for you guys. He went back out of breath, locking the door behind him and giving her the vanilla flavored ice cream before joining her on his bed. His door banged multiple times as they sat inside hysterically laughing before it got unlocked with its own keys.

(Y/n) would look back on those good memories as they now looked at each other, knowing that they soon had to parted ways in high school.

“I never had that hug back then, Uno.” She stated with a wry smile as she sadly watched her parents pack their belongings and place it on the trunk of their car.

Ryuu rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh yeah... I forgot.” He awkwardly admitted.

“(Y/n), say your goodbyes to Ryuu-kun. We’ll be waiting in the car.” Her parents informed her before leaving the two alone.

“Last hug before I never see you again?”

His heart broke when he saw tears flowing down from her eyes and he couldn’t help but cry himself. He opened his arms, widely as she immediately tackled him into a hug. “Shh. We can still talk to each other and maybe someday.. we’ll be reunited. You never know, (nickname)...”

“Really..?” She pulled away slightly to look up at him before hearing her parents called out to her. “I have to go—”

“Wait! Please don’t pull away... not yet.” Ryuu glanced at her eyes then her mouth before looking at her with red tinted cheeks.

(Y/n) leaned closer to him while he closed their distance as their lips met for a quick yet soft kiss before parting shortly. “This is my promise to you, (n/n)... we will see each other again.”

“It’s a deal, Uno.” She replies before getting inside of her parents’ car, feeling giddy and shocked from her first kiss.

They continued to text one another, sometimes he would send pictures of his volleyball team, although Ryuu went to Karasuno while she went to Inarizaki.

She would take on the role of being their manager as she thought it would bring them together someday and it did... in the worst way possible.

(Y/n)’s heart shattered as she saw Ryuu talking to a pretty girl with black shoulder length hair and glasses before letting him carry her bag for her. She took a picture and texted him.

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[zuxnon]

CEO SVT | Seungkwan - Incompatible

authors note: i know everyone who knows me already KNOWS this BuuuuTTTT i wanna warn yall,,, absolutely a whole ass 0% percent proofreading went into this and since it took me so long to write it i dont know if its coherent,... does it make sense FHGSDUJKA ill find out at some point but yknow~ nshfksghk i am SORRY its also rlly short rip

summary: anyone would’ve said you were incompatible, even seungkwan himself. but he was interesting, he was real, he was sassy and entertaining, and he was drop dead gorgeous. therefore, you didn’t care what any of them had to say. you would pursue him until you got bored of doing so. that was just who you were.  

boo seungkwan hated the elevator ride down from his apartment every morning. not because he was tired, because it was six in the morning and he wanted to sleep in. not because he hated the elevator- nothing that simple. it was his luck. his horrible, damned awful luck. it was never good- for some goddamned reason every morning, that horrible downstairs neighbor took it upon herself to wake whenever he did, leave whenever he did, and confront him about his day or night, telling him she heard him up at 3am getting a glass of water and he should learn to walk quieter. he made the mistake of bringing a girl home once, when he was insanely drunk and horny, and god had he heard it from her that next morning. it wasn't as if she was silent either. it definitely wasn't as if she hadn't had her fair share of rather loud one night stands- but arguing with her was of no use and he found it a hassle to talk to her in the first place, so he rarely complained.

he tried putting earbuds in one morning, tried to block her out, but she plucked one from his ear and turned him to face her. he tried ignoring her, but no matter where he turned she would always follow, standing right in his face and talking louder so he couldn't possibly pretend she wasn't screaming in his ear. when he got home late from helping seokmin clean up the aftermath of the party, he knew he'd be getting an earful in the morning. why did she have to be such a damn light sleeper?

sure enough, he had the same thought when the elevator stopped at her floor on the way down. and sure enough, when the elevator doors opened, she was the only one waiting. her eyes were shielded by sunglasses, a mask covering her mouth and nose, a bright, sunflower colored windbreaker and black yoga pants clothing her body. the jacket was zipped all the way up and the hood was hiding her dyed red hair. she usually looked like this in the mornings, sometmes prettier, sometimes less pretty, but usually well hidden. at least, until she stepped in the elevator. as soon as she stepped foot in the elevator, she pulled the mask down. the hood was tugged off her head and the sunglasses pushed upwards to rest on her hair. her arms crossed over her chest- she looked like she was ready for a showdown.

seungkwan didn't waste time pretending, he immediately let his head roll back, dropping against the wall of the elevator and groaned in exasperation. she felt her heart beat faster, nerves and frustration rushing through her. it was his fault, anyways. why did he act so angry? why didn't he just like her in the first place?

"why were you out so late last night?" she barked, puffing her chest out and pointing her nose up as she went to stand beside him. from an outside perspective it would've looked almost comical, the way she stood as if a pole had pierced all the way up through her, contrasting the way he leaned against the wall like he wanted to sink back into it. the difference between the long, fashionable dark blue coat and dark jeans and burnt orange sweater he wore and the workout clothes she wore. the way both of them refused to look at each other, bodies facing straight ahead but they stood so close that if she swayed even slightly to the side her shoulder would brush against his arm.

"it's none of your business."

she scowled, her arms visibly tightening. "it's automatically my business when your carelessness is interrupting my sleep. if i don't sleep well, my skin doesn't glow like it should. i gain weight. i get dark circles and red eyes. i can't afford to lose sleep every time you stay out getting drunk somewhere." she grumbled, leaning slightly sideways to elbow him in the side.

he shot her a glare from the corner of his eyes, trying to squeeze himself tighter into the corner, further away from her. alas, it didn't work. thankfully, though, they were nearing the bottom floor by then.

"invest in some earplugs." he hissed, carefully maneuvering himself further away from her, closer to the doors. "then you won't hear me."

he could practically hear the wheels in her head turning, the steam coming out of her ears as she dropped her arms, both fists clenched at her sides and her lips parted in furious thought.

"why should i have to-" she was cut off by the ding of the elevator, the squeak of the doors opening and seungkwan's footsteps as he hurriedly escaped before she could explode.

-

for about half of the day, work was particularly slow. your angry manager shouting at everyone who came near as you looked through offers for your next show or movie- whatever you thought she could play best. a victim in a horror film. a low-budget rom-com missing a plot. a romance/mystery show. there was even offer for you to be in a thriller film with a warning of multiple graphic sex scenes. they were crazy if they thought you'd accept that. you hardly liked scary films anyways. your 'no' pile was stacking up, your 'yes' pile was nonexistent and your maybe pile was thin. only the mystery and a superhero movie. as much as you would love to see yourself playing a superhero, as proud as you would be, you didn't know if you could handle the strain it would put on your body. sure, you would consider it, though. there were far too many offers to go through, you were starting to get tired of it. you were sore from sitting in the uncomfortable chair in that stuffy office all day,  hungry from not eating lunch, you had three different papercuts on your hands from flipping through so many envelopes.

you were so, so close to giving up, fingers twitching with a desire to throw the whole pile and storm out. maybe you would have, had the sky-blue of the pretty letter next in your hands not caught your attention. a name that sounded vaguely familiar. boo broadcasting. (forgive me i cant name things for shit) you thumbed at the corners for a few moments, trying to think of where you'd heard it before, why it seemed more familiar than just the company. trying to find the bell the name had rung in your mind.  after a few moments, instead of giving in and ignoring the question in your mind, you decided to pull out your phone and look it up. to your surprise, your most pleasant surprise, the first face you see is that of your upstairs neighbor.

'CEO of Boo Broadcasting, Boo Seungkwan seen leaving unknown woman's apartment late at night.' it read, with a blurry, dark picture of the the boy, with his recently dyed blue hair and his trademark long, dark coats, slipping out of an apartment you didn't recognize. curiously, you decided to click it, setting the letter down in your lap as you quickly scrolled to the bottom. you didn't bother reading the article, only the comments. oftentimes, those were more accurate than the dramatic, disgusting articles written by slimy, slithering liars. she had seen too many kind people be taken down by the words they shamelessly spoke.

'the woman in the picture is his mother. she was in the pictures for his graduation.' 'that's his mom, how can you post such blatant lies? really shameless' that was all she needed to see. the comparison pictures in the first comment proved it to her. good. less competition, right?

she let her phone fall back in her lap, one hand grabbing the envelope and tearing the side open to pull the letter out and read it. a variety show with various a-list celebrities- and a special guest. the handsome ceo of the company broadcasting the show as none other than the host.

somewhat of a roleplay show, it seems, where you'll be surprised with the theme of each episode you film, pick a role from a hat and act it as well as you can. you should be filming for just over a month. it sounded perfect- like exactly something you'd enjoy working on. sounded like a perfect chance to hopefully seduce your upstairs neighbor at the same time as you worked. entertaining in more than one way. so, with a smile on your face, you brought it to your manager.

-

lots of nagging and purposeless early morning elevator rides later, your awakening at 5 in the morning had a real reason- not that you didn't consider nagging your upstairs neighbor a real reason. if you didn't, you likely wouldn't be in the elevator at 5 every morning just to talk to him.  to your surprise, he wasn't dressed up when you entered the elevator- didn't groan or bother to even look at you. he kept his eyes closed, head back as he leaned against the elevator wall. you walked over beside him in silence, stood for a few sweet seconds wordlessly before you tilted your head slightly to the side, posture slouched as your eyes trailed over to his makeup-less face. there were a few small blemishes, his skin was a tiny bit more red than you would expect, but he looked... pretty. beautiful maybe, without makeup on. you lolled your head and stared up at the ceiling instead.

"you were quiet last night... what got into you? didn't wake me up once."

he sent you a quick glance from the corner of his eye, but didn't  say anything in response. his eyes didn't even linger on you-  they quickly turned back to the elevator ceiling and closed, his body relaxing against the wall.

you pouted to yourself, bit your lip for a moment before turning to face him again.

"where are you going today?"

this time he completely ignored you, didnt even give you a look. that was fine, you could think of something else to attract his attention if need be. it took you a few seconds to think, a few sweet seconds that he enjoyed like nothing else that morning, but soon enough (or, rather, too soon,) you were granted with an idea. a genius idea, for more than one reason. the main being that if he said yes, you wouldn't have to wait for your manager to drive down here and get you in an hour.

"can i ride with you?" you asked, grinning to yourself in pride at your own genius. should he choose not to allow you, it would be a fault of his own. what harm did you ever do to him anyways?

"you already are," came a low, deep voiced grumble from the corner of the elevator. "you do every morning."

bouncing happily on the balls of your heels, you move over to stand in front of him and look up towards him, arms crossed over your chest casually. "no, i mean in your car. can you drive me? we're going to the same place and i can't drive." you explain, and instantly, as soon as the word 'car' slips out of your mouth his head snaps down, eyes scanning yours as if to see if you were kidding. you weren't. that didn't take him long to realize.

"what do you mean, 'we're going to the same place'?" he asked, looking surprised- maybe even afraid. of course, he had no reason to be afraid, he was the CEO of not only the company broadcasting  company, but the company which was literally producing the show. if he very well wanted to, he could absolutely get you kicked off the show. so you knew you had to be on your best behavior. the elevator bell dinged a few times, signaling that you would soon be coming to a stop in the lobby. he slipped around you to stand by the door, you turning on your heels to follow him, stand shoulder to shoulder against him, both staring at the silver doors.

"we're filming together." you state matter-of-factly, smiling in triumph as you fought to hide the smugness in your tone. of course, you knew there was a 50-50 chance that he'd tell the producers that like hell would he work with you, but still this was closer to him than you'd been before. the door slid open, and for once he waited for you to get out first. he seemed a bit sulky when you turned to glance at him, watch him walk out after you, but he followed anyways, soon stepping ahead to lead, you assumed, you to his car, as he occasionally glanced to make sure you were following.

"they didn't tell me any of the people i'd be filming with, it was supposed to be a surprise i guess so i wouldn't go into it with a bias." he shot a glare at you from the corner of his pretty brown eyes, and you smiled in return. "glad i got a warning."

it was hard to stifle the giggle pulling at your lips at his grumbled words, quite obviously not intended for you to hear but you heard anyways. he was adorable. whether he hated you or not, he was so cute, you loved talking to him. and, if it came down to it, listening to him insult you. he was funny. quirky. adorable, and rather entertaining. you liked how he spoke his mind.

"so can i ride with you, sir?" you asked, practically bouncing happily as he led you into the private parking garage, unlocked his car (clicked twice, ensuring all doors would be unlocked, you noticed) and turned to glance at you. he sighed.

"don't call me that... get in."

[serpentsangel]

Can you write boyfriend!reggie imagine where the reader tells reggie to say “Ily” back but it’s hard for him bcs his reputation and they end up breaking up and she ends up dating sweet pea GOSSIP GIRL VIBES WHEN CHUCK DIDNT TELL BALIR ILY BACK :’)

“I Love You”: Reggie x Reader Imagine

I decided to split this into two parts!!!! I hope you enjoy this first one.

Words: 1,742

Warnings: Light swearing and heartbreak 3

You and Reggie have been dating for a fair bit, or at least it seems that way, Reggie was never able to hold a stable relationship due to his flirtatious nature but somehow, just somehow you managed to entice the jock enough to get him to be faithful. And yes, you’ve had your doubts but Reggie couldn’t be sweeter than he already is. Which is why it makes your stomach turn when you realized he has yet to repeat the words back to you. “You’re over-thinking it, (Y/N). Maybe it’s the anniversary blues.” Betty says, as you wrap yourself in endless blankets, eyes stained red with the drying tears from the night before. “Plus, as much as you want to believe you’ve changed Reggie, there’s always going to be a part of him that’s too proud of his masculinity to say soft words like that. Just give it time.”

And time you gave. Your 3rd year anniversary with Reggie is approaching, along with graduation. Maybe it’s the sadness in your heart consuming you, the sadness that this may or may not be the last time you see him depending on where either of you go to college. Reggie, already a prospect for a sports scholarship all over the country and even in Canada but you? Your parents got you to work at their production company for a year or two before going to college. A destiny you were bound to have before you could make your own choices. 

Taking a deep breath, you approach Reggie at his locker and getting up on your tippy toes to give him a kiss on the cheek. He jumps back slightly, a little surprised at you being there. “Woah, you scared me.” A small smile plays at his lips as he gives you a quick peck. Taking a look around, as if to check if any of his teammates saw him give public affection to his girlfriend.

“Is everything alright?” You ask and Reggie, as he has been doing lately, brushes it off and shuts his locker. “Homecoming is coming up. Are you ready for the game?” You change the subject, hoping that trying to take an interest into his hobbies would somehow allow him to pay more attention to you. It’s the time of the year where all the seniors are packed with applications and final projects that none of their minds are set straight. Especially with homecoming, no one could focus on anything else.

“Yeah. I’ve heard that a lot of scouts for schools could be there and yeah.” Reggie sighs as he squeezes your hand, smiling down at you with begging eyes.

Your hand drops to your sides as you sigh. Holding onto your books in your arms, Reggie’s eyes fall. “You have to cancel another date night? I understand. I’ll just see you, whenever I guess.” You walk past him as your shoulders bump. Another date night cancelled because Reggie needs as much practice as possible for the big game and though you understand, this is important for him, but he’s been blowing you off for sometime now and you can’t think of the last time you two properly spent time together and you wonder if he even remembers that your anniversary is coming up. Most likely not.

Another night of you being cooped by the bar at Pop’s, stirring your milkshake absentmindedly as you eat fry by fry and stare into the distance. You don’t notice a tall figure, clad in all black with the exception of a flannel, slide into the spot next to yours. “(Y/N)?” Your ears perk as you look up and see Sweet Pea, one of the Southside High students that transferred over to Riverdale High when their school got shut down. “You’re here alone?”

“As I always am.” You raise your hand and ask for the food to be packed for home. “What brings you here? No Serpent duties tonight?” You question. You were one of the few students that opened their arms to the Southside students when they first arrived. Reggie? Not so much. Funny enough, it was how the two of you met, when he first cascaded down the staircase and you sassed him to the point Veronica had to hold you back before you punched the guy.

“Nah, I’m too busy right now applying for college. Especially because I’m trying to get into medical school and trying to keep my grades as high as they are until grad.” Sweet Pea looks around, usually whenever you’re here Reggie is at your side but today is different. “Where’s Reggie?”

“Flaked me. Again. He’s worried that the stress from school will ruin his game for homecoming and he needs to be at the top since scouts and whatnot are going to be there.” You pick up the food and slide a few bills on the counter to pay for your order. “I’ll see you around Pea.” You leave with one forced smile before heading home, only to sit in the darkness with your thoughts clouding your mind. You check your phone every few minutes to see if Reggie has replied to anything you’ve said, and as you expected, he hasn’t but it still hurt. Maybe you are over thinking it a little, just maybe. So you promise yourself you’ll try to be the supportive partner for as long as you can.

- HOMECOMING NIGHT –

It’s the night of the big game. Your heart racing as you cheer from the sidelines with the rest of the Vixens. The one night where all students can forget about all academics and just bask in the school spirit one last time. You’ve managed quite well to forget the pain you’ve felt from how distant Reggie has been and you could spot the scouts out easily and could tell Reggie was at the top of his game. He’s playing better than ever but, then you remember, it also happens to be your anniversary and you haven’t heard a single word from him. 

As the cheerleaders take a break, you sink back into your seat, fiddling with the pompoms. “Everything alright, (Y/N)?” Betty asks, taking a seat next to you as she notices you eyeing Reggie. “What happened this time?”

“It’s our anniversary. He’s forgotten. I mean, does he even know I exist anymore, Betty? He’s barely looking me in the eye, he barely talks to me anymore and when we do he dares not to show any kind of affection. I don’t think he even loves me anymore.”  You look up at Reggie, he spots you but looks away as quickly as he does.

“Has he, you know, said the words?” You shake your head. You truly felt like what you have is special and people would tell you so. Even Reggie has said it before, that he’s never felt so strongly for someone but thinking back at it now, it all just felt like lies to keep you by his side. Everything you ever knew was slowly crumbling but you weren’t about to let it defeat you. You were determined to get him to say the words he’s always choked up on saying.

And as expected, the Bulldogs won and you felt proud. You let the Bulldogs celebrate with each other first before Reggie makes his way towards you, rather slowly. Archie sprinted up to Veronica and engulfed her in a big hug whereas Reggie looked like he didn’t want to be there. He smiles softly at you, leaning in for a kiss but you turn your head, so instead of your lips, he kisses your cheek. “Babe, is something wrong?”

“Is something wrong, really Reggie? You’re just going to pretend that you haven’t ghosted me for the past three weeks and have forgotten what today is?” You feel your throat close up, but you suck it in, you have to be the strong one here. Don’t let him see how much he has hurt you.

“It’s Homecoming?” Reggie says, confused as to why you could be angry at this day. “Babe, we just won! All the scouts look happy and I’ve played the best I have in my entire Bulldogs career, why can’t you be happy for me?”

“It’s our Anniversary, Reggie. Our third year anniversary!” You shout. Archie and Veronica noticing and having to be pushed away by Betty to give you two space. “I knew that dating you, the big cocky jock captain was going to be dangerous and people warned me that I’d end up getting my heart broken but I couldn’t help the way I feel. We know that this is something special and I want us to last Reggie but I can’t help but feel that you don’t want the same. I love you, Reg. I do but I don’t think you reflect these feelings.”

Reggie sighs, taking a step closer and whispering to you. “I do, I just…”

“Then say it.” You demand. “Say that you love me, Reggie. Look me in the eye and say the words.” A small crack in your voice rings through, paining your heart just as little as it is hurting Reggie. In his mind, it races a million miles an hour and he lifts his head to look around, wanting to push those words out but the pride he feels for his reputation always blocked the way. “Unbelievable.” You scoff. “You’re so fucking worried that people will see you as a weak little bitch just because you say ‘I Love You’ to your girlfriend. I can’t deal with this anymore, Reggie. I can’t keep giving you the benefit of the doubt. I can’t keep sticking around this way if you wouldn’t do the same for me.” Your words catch his attention, worry clouding his eyes as he knows whats coming but he still couldn’t muster up the words to say anything. “It’s over, Reggie. I’m done. Hope your scholarship was worth it.”

You throw your pompoms to the ground as you turn to run away back to your car. Betty and Veronica starting to go after you but they couldn’t keep up. Sweet Pea, witnessing it all, gets up from his seat but he too couldn’t get an escape route out. Reggie stands there frozen, as he plays the image of you running away over and over again. There’s no turning back now. You were gone. And there was nothing he could do to bring you back.

[drakinq]

06/03/21 —

I woke up crying today. I tried to go back to sleep to create a false reality to escape to, but every time I woke up there were tear in my eyes. I finally got up and decided throwing myself a pity party wouldn’t be worth it. But as I lay in bed, I can’t shake this feeling of sadness. I went to Waukegan yesterday to work on my car and my mom didn’t even call. I told her I’d be coming up there and I didnt hear from her. I didn’t feel like calling because I just didn’t feel like being around anyone who has better things to do than to spend time with me. That’s why I didn’t call any of my family. I wanted to try to build my relationship with Jazz but she kind of hinted that I was unloyal to her and we will never have the same relationship. Which hurts me because my whole entire family including her was unloyal to me but I’m not even allowed to talk about it or being it up without being “stuck in the past.” And I don’t blame her for feeling the way she feels, but my family has done way worse to me and it doesn’t seem to matter. I wanted to call Jas and talk about it with her but she always victim blames me, instead of putting the accountability on the wrong doers and that’s a lot of weight on my shoulders. I wish I could talk to my mom about it but all she does is tell me to be the bigger person. She’s just very uninterested because she doesn’t want to believe how poorly my family makes me feel. My mom is really focused on her graduation. I’m trying really hard to be there for her but I didn’t realize how jealous I would become. No one has ever celebrated any of my accomplishments. It’s also irritating like this is the only thing she is excited about. I understand she needs this for her but… still I go without any needs met. I think about not having any close friends right now. But I don’t blame myself. I don’t get why people treat me so poorly. I’ve never done anything to Jimmy and he talks so poorly to me and looks down on me just because my dance journey isn’t going like he feels it should. So he wrote me off. I’m over the Melanie shit , I don’t need any friends that insecure and emotionally unhealthy. I just hate how she tried to make me out to be something I’m not. I’m still human with flaws and things I can always improve on. Which I was willing to do. But she’d rather beg Christian to take accountability for almost killing her and give me another chance even when he doesn’t. I know I shouldn’t be worried about Enrico because he doesn’t even exist in my life. But to have people ask me if that’s me he’s talking about me so poorly in his podcast hurts. Because hes already treated me so poorly in the past. I think about how poorly bureau treated me just because I’m happy being myself. I think about how Angel acts disgusted with me. I think about how Robbie just hit and ignored me. I think about how Javi is so mean to me and I’ve never been anything but nice to him. I think about how boomcrack decided I wasn’t enough for them while I was going through a really tough time in my life. I think about past situations where people have treated me so wrong and moved on in life and seems like they are doing so much better without me. I think about how it feels that so many people get away with wronging me. I wonder when I’m gonna get to live the life fulfilled with people that love and celebrate me. I know God has to be saving me for something great but I wish he would take away this feeling of low self esteem, this feeling of being unwanted. I know it won’t last forever. I have faith in my God that he doesn’t play about my spirit. And thinking about his love for me and staying close to him helps ease it a little, but I feel like I need a little more of something else to keep me pushing through. Why? Why do I encounter people that either don’t care enough about me or absolutely hate me. Why don’t my feelings matter. Why do I have to be perfect before considered being worthy. Why do people want to project and kill my spirit. Why do people drop me when I mess up once or show one flaw. Why are people so hateful towards me when I’ve d

[sasukechiha]

tagged by: @krshima​​ - thank you for tagging me emeryyyyyy im bored to death n its 1am lmfao

Objective: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag somebody

i tag: @kylornx @wattashi @v0ngola @oeruki @atsushisnakajima @kishou @kojiiro @miuroko @youngwholock @nozakis @hatkekakashi @trashysasuke​

LAST

drink - diet coke phone call - my..... friend text message - "kalke koitar shomoi ber hoba?” translation: “what time are u going out tomorrow” song you listened to - anxiety by blackbear  time you cried - when i finished devilman crybaby, so like over a week ago

EVER

dated someone twice - yes kissed someone & regretted - no been cheated on - kdlkdlkdj ye lost someone special - yes been depressed - yep, its a lot worse now  gotten drunk and thrown up - yes im rly bad w alcohol

FAV COLOURS

black and red (if any of y’all come at me sayin black aint a color im gonna clock u)

IN THE LAST YEAR, HAVE YOU…

made new friends - not irl, im v picky w my friends and i like having a small circle. i’ve made a lot a lot a loooot of friends on here tho, 3 v special ones in particular fallen out of love - yes laughed until you cried - yes ltrly 3 days ago found out someone was talking about you - yes ppl just lov havin my name in their mouth met someone who changed you - yes found out who your friends are - i already been knewwwwww. i’ve always had the same circle of friends since i was 4 years old and they’re all are ltrly the best kissed someone on your facebook friends list - i dont have facebook who tf uses that shit

GENERAL

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - again,,,, fuck facebook do you have any pets - 4 turtles and 4 beta fish do you want to change your name - nope. i used to h8 my name before but i’ve grown to rly like it and im happy w it what did you do for your last birthday - my friends threw me a surprise party at my house and they decorated my entire place and stayed till like 2am it was gr8 what time did you wake up today - 11:30am lmfao what were you doing at midnight last night - on facetime w my friend what is something you can’t wait for - my class’ pre graduation bbq tomorrow  what are you listening to right now - anxiety by blackbear (its my fav song rn if u cant tell) have you ever talked to a person named tom - nope lmFAO something that’s getting on your nerves - ltrly every single youtuber other than shane dawson at this point. fuck logan paul and his disgusting dumb bitch ass most visited website - tumblr LMAOO hair colour - black long or short hair - medium???  do you have a crush on someone - yes what do you like about yourself - appearance wise my smile, personality wise i like to think im rly fun to be with im ltrly down to do anything want any piercings - i got my nose pierced just this year but i still wanna get a few more ear piercings (tragus in particular) and my belly button  blood type - a+ nicknames - aloo (fam n close friends), leema (only fam) relationship status - ;) zodiac - pisces  pronouns - she/her fav TV shows - english tv shows bore me so im stickin w my weeb ass anime. so uhh rn its devilman crybaby, naruto (it,,, sucks but its my childhood n i love sasuke), one punch man, code geass, sailor moon, cardcaptor sakura tattoos - none right or left handed - right ever had surgery - nope sport - i was captain of the volleyball team b4 i graduated highschool a month ago, and play football & badminton occasionally piercings - nose piercing and ear lobe piercings vacation - all of asia tbh. mostly the south asian countries, but i also rly wanna go to china n japan trainers - wtf does that mean. if ur talkin abt my shoes its either converse or i just stick to sandals

MORE GENERAL

eating - nothing rn drinking - diet coke LMAOOOOO its 1am im so unhealthy about to watch - uhh im gonna finish the recent few eps of mtny waiting for - my class bbq want - to be happy get married - i want to.... not now tho lmao career - genetic engineer is what im aiming for since im plannin on doin a bachelor of science majoring in genetics next year for uni

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses - hugs lips or eyes - eyes shorter or taller - taller (my ass is ltrly 5′3 so im biased bc i wanna be tall) older or younger - uhh i like ppl a few years older than me even when it comes to friends nice arms or stomach - idrc hookup or relationship - relationship troublemaker or hesitant - a lil bit of both. be responsible, dont do stupid shit but have fun and make the most out of ur life

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger - nope drank hard liquor - yes lost glasses - yes turned someone down - yes sex on first date - nope broken someone’s heart - yes had your heart broken - yes been arrested - no cried when someone died - yes fallen for a friend - yes dhjddlk

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself - nope (its a huge prob of mine) miracles - no love at first sight - no its bs santa clause - im muslim so i dont celebrate christmas skjldkl i didnt even know who santa claus was until i was like 5 kiss on a first date - if its consensual angels - yes

OTHER

best friend’s name - arya eye colour - black but its brown under the sun ok fav movie - the little mermaid forever n always fav actor - uhh deepika padukone, leonardo dicaprio, idk i dont rly have any fav actors lmfao

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

[ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse]

Hey for the ask thing, all the questions you're comfortable with answering

oh boy!!! heck yeah fun shit thanks my dude! little did u Kno…… I LOVE oversharing !!! lmao muahahahahaha i’m probably gonna answer all of them thank u for enabling it lmfao

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

yah on Rly Bad days

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

like… 3.5? i like the dark but,,, ‘m Scare,,,,,

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Orange Turnip

4. What is your favorite word?

it changes tbh,, hm but i can’t think of any rn!

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

i’d be….. a nice oak! thicc and full of secrets

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i didn’t lmao reflection what’s that

7. What shirt are you wearing?

i’m wearing the dress i wore to work

8. What do you label yourself as?

annoying or boring lmao but also the Goblin King and that is Good

9. Bright room or dark room?

i still don’t know if this is referring to like paint shade or like the amount of light it gets or like if i sleep in a bright room or dark room so like??? *shrug emoji*

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

i was?? drawing i think

12. Who told you they loved you last?

i think it was @wrenn-frug​ 💕💖 lov u fren!

13. Your worst enemy?

dunno man probably myself but that sounds cliche so like??? the sun bc it always burns me

14. What is your current desktop picture?

a screenshot from song of the sea!!! lOVE that movie!!!! i’d post it but like?? i don’t think i have it saved anymore or if i do i don’t feel like looking but it’s that one scene where they’re walking thru the pretty field towards the trees and there’s foxes in the corner and she’s playing the shell it’s so pretty,,,,,

15. Do you like someone?

uh yah my cat

16. The last song you listened to?

Young God - Halseygood song lov it,,,,

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

oraNGE TURNIP

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

orange turnip my dude i Hate

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

uh nobody ????

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

my squishy thighs and my fantastic stretch marks (which have taken me YEARS to accept)

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

No

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

????????????? secret???? talent?????? lemme check, ,, , , *reaches into a bag* nope bitch empt y aint got No Talent lmao

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

okay so like this is really dumb and i partially answered this in this ask abt the flushing toilets @ night thing but like to elaborate and make it even more dumb not only am i afraid to flush toilets @ night bc it’s just rly creepy and loud to me (esp if i’ve been asleep) but like,, , sort of in the same vein of fear is that when i was little my older sister told me that there was a ghost in the toilet and if i don’t flush it’ll get me and like i kno it’s not tru but like,,,,,, Sometimes,,,,,, (i must clarify i’m not scared of toilets themselves but like flushing freaks me out sometimes like @ night or if i don’t flush fast enough lmao don’t look @ me i’m a mess)

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Excuse? is this like that i can ONLY eat this sandwich or is it that this is the only sandwich i can ever eat or like i can only ever have one last sandwich bc honestly i’m Not Okay with any of those scenarios no matter how many ingredients i get for the initial creation

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Dream daddy dating simulator lmao uh?? also probably more food for archie bc he is Expensive

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Ireland probably. always wanted to see ireland

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

“Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out” like???? no???? if u don’t drink alcohol why would u want a lifetime supply??? unless i could like…. sell it??? whats the Most Expensive kind i’ll just get an unending supply of heavenly Expensive Alcohol to sell for incredibly inflated prices to the rich bc it’s From Heaven and give the money to the poor bc like,,, why not

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

bitches gotta keep they damn opinions to themselves if they can’t respect somebody’s life based on factors they can’t help (race, religion, orientation, gender etc) also no money like We Don’t Need It i’m so tired of Needing money

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck bc u can use it in So Many situations

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

o shit probably the twenty dollar metallic watercolors i got bc shit son??? actually probably like my laptop or smth idk

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

my childhood thx

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

this is.. not a questionalthough it is a wonderful scenario

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

none of them bc if the celestial gates of the beyond is real then all the people i’d want to bring back are probably in a Better Place or something and why would i want to drag them to Hell?

34. What was your last dream about?

Cannot remember to save my life altho i kno it was rly weird and convoluted

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

u did not put anything Here so i will Ignore

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Nope

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yAH it’s fun!

38. What is the color of your socks?

not wearing any

39. What type of music do you like?

A Lot

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets,,, evening is so nice mm m

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate ayyyy

43. Do you have any scars?

a couple but like for Dumb Reasons

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

I’ve graduated hs but i wanna be an animator when i decide which college to go to

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

my brain pls bartender can i have a Healthy One (correction to favorite word #4: fav word currently is deign)

46. Are you reliable?

i would like to think so

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

are you happy?

48. Do you hold grudges?

YAH but only if i’ve been Pushed Too Far which is Pretty Damn Far by most ppls standards

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

none I am Not a God

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

i have had So Many???? the most recent one was two times in a row random ppl i barely knew asked me for my netflix account bc they didnt have one and like…. bro what who R U,,,,, (i had literally only talked to the first guy once for ten minutes on fb)

51. Are you a good liar?

is the sky green? don’t think so

52. How long could you go without talking?

Very Long but like Only on Bad Weeks

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

None my hair is Magnificent (idk)

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

like birthday cake? never but i lov to bake cakes so like i bake myself cakes all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

i am so bad @ accents i can’t even Read in my Head in accents even though i know what the accent Should Sound Like

56. What do you like on your toast?

peanut butter and banan slices

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

working on a picture of a tiger redraw

58. What would be you dream car?

a Bike bc i Do Not Like cars

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i only sing in the shower when nobody is home (which is infrequent bc my mom is Always here) bc i am self conscious around most ppl but like Music,,,,, also when i was little i would pretend that i was standing in the rain all sad like in movies lmao

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yah

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

i follow an astrology blog and i read homestuck i mean,,

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

i??? A maybe bc there are a lot of ways to write it pretty idk but like specifically capital A ig

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons they’re fire-breathing friends and i love them

64. What do you think about babies?

Gross

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

U Didn’t put anything Here either so like how abt i give u a random fact abt myself that seems good my favorite bird is the lammergeier bc they’re basically irl dragons and they’re so pretty??? love them??? also i hate monkeys and apes esp chimpanzes bc they are scary and too much like humans to me i don’t like them

BOY that took way longer than i thought bc i had to feed my cat halfway thru and everything and like this is a Long Post sorry guys but ayyyyy this was fun thanks ari

[adult-diversion]

lots of things happening recently

yesterday i got into my first graduate program, and today my girlfriend and I broke up. i’d say i was having some emotinal whiplash but the truth is my joy yesterday was conditional and I knew it wasn’t going to last . today’s events put me squarely back on the side of being really fucking sad but that doesnt mean that nothing’s changed.

things that are different now

1. i have one less person to regularly talk to (probably)    - at the same time, lauren and I didnt get a chance to talk all that much because she’s so busy, so I’m not sure how much of a change this will be 2. I do finally have some light at the end of the tunnel because I got into a good grad program 3. I probably won’t be having as much sex unless i suddenly become a real casanova type which is unlikely but its really not that big of a deal. 4. I’d say I have less of an emotional support network, and that may be true, but i’m not sure how. Lauren wasn’t incredibly reliable for that kind of support, she so often had her own worries and I often didn’t want to lump my own problems on hers so that may not be too different. 5. I may not be able to hang out with my friends on campus as much. I have no idea how this is going to pan out (its probably fine but its been like six hours, gimme a break) but I have a lot of trouble like inviting myself over or trying to arrange hangouts when its not with a significant other, which is my own weird damn problem. I’d hate to hang out with them less. 6. neither of us has to worry about being a ‘good’ partner anymore. I know she would stress over the fact that she didnt have a lot of time or energy to spend on me, which was true and pretty frustrating, but very understandable given everything else (no bad blood). I think it will prove to be a good thing, it was a major reason we both cited when we were talking today. thats what ive got for now. i think this is going to be a good thing, it just really sucks right now. I’ve been feeling for a long time like lauren and i were really good friends who also had a deep affection and slept together, so I’m not really worried about like losing that friendship, we’re on the same page there. the semester just started so we have time to figure it out.

I think that we both really helped each other through 2017, and are better off for it, but I think part of me is excited to be single. I havent been alone in this way for four fucking years at this point, much less as an adult, so its another adventure. plus i know myself, bouncing back is what i do, i kind refuse to let things bog me down. I am going back to school, I am going to do well, and I am going to be happier with my life, no matter where that school is or what I have to get through to get there.

I told my friend anna last night that being a millenial is like being on a roller coaster that you know is broken, you just dont know where. you have to enjoy it while it lasts even if the world comes crashing down around you. well, by my guess im about halfway through my tenure of my now-gap year of adulthood, and im very excited about what the future holds but i cant make it come any faster. I just have to buckle in, take it slow, and know that I am going to make it, and I am going to be ok, and I am typing this to myself in my room because I don’t know who else is gonna listen to my goddamn word vomit at this point. also its my birthday on saturday and im celebrating by going to someone elses party, but I’ll figure something out yet,

(im also salty because I cant take tomorrow off and be a lazy piece of shit and play monster hunter all day, but I’m saving up my time off for a possible spring break trip with all my friends to LA, which is worth sucking it up in the meantime, even if it ends up not working out what with our no-longer-dating status)

sorry this is so long, if anyone reads this i appreciate it more than you know, your caring at least this much means more to me than you probably think.

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/comedian-eshaan-akbar-i-want-people-to-see-the-funny-side-of-the-koran/

Comedian Eshaan Akbar: 'I want people to see the funny side of the Koran'

Eshaan Akbar is a diplomatic provocateur.

The 33-year-old stand-up is one of the BBC Asian Network’s latest breakout talents. He first made waves on the comedy circuit supporting Micky Flanagan on tour in 2014 but now he’s wading into choppier waters. His latest set-piece, Prophet Like It’s Hot, aims to show the Koran “is actually quite funny” at the Edinburgh Fringe. 

“If someone kills me for doing this, which a lot of people are worried about, I think it will at least make people sit up and take notice,” says Akbar, tucking into a halloumi burger at Bill’s in Kensington. “I don’t know if I want to die for my job — I’ve got plenty more shows left in me — but what a legacy that would leave, eh?” 

Dangerously funny, maybe. But there’s plenty of humour to be found in religion, a fact that’s crucial to the show’s mandate of demystifying Islam. “Comedy is an integral part of making people think and feel differently about issues,” he says. “I want people to be challenged, have conversations and feel uncomfortable. Well, fundamentally I want them to laugh. They can feel uncomfortable while in a plush seat and not walking out, hopefully.”  

Edinburgh Fringe comedian Olga Koch on coming from Russia with laughs

Three weeks ago a woman came up to him after a preview show. “It turned out she was on that train at Parson’s Green with the bomber on, and had sat opposite him,” says Akbar. “She was in tears because she said that ever since that incident she’s struggled to reconcile her relationship with people from the Islamic community and the fact of what could have happened to her. So she cried and held me because she said I made terrorism funny. I was able to somehow make her laugh about a quite serious thing, and there’s something wonderful about that.” 

Born in Whitechapel, Akbar’s family moved to Essex and he attended a Church of England school, Stonebridge, on a scholarship. “I was a bit of a misfit, the poor brown boy at a private school in Essex,” he says. 

It was a nuclear family at home: mum a Bangladeshi Thatcherite, his dad a Pakistani Labourite, both strictly following the tenets of Islam (he has a younger brother, now a teacher). “When I visited Bangladesh I was too British to be Bangladeshi, and here I’m too Bangladeshi to be British,” he says. “It’s weird. My mum first heard me speak English when I was seven, and I had a bit of an Essex twang, which would not wash. She’d pull out her favourite book, Wuthering Heights, and say: ‘I want you to read this like you’re on the BBC. If you start swallowing your ts I’ll smack you’. I gave Heathcliff a Yorkshire accent, which really annoyed her.” 

Yet Akbar hasn’t been a practising Muslim for years now. This, he says, grants him perspective. “I was raised within the faith but my mum said: ‘The lottery of life meant that you were born a Muslim. I’ll tell you Islam is great but if I’d been Jewish I’d be saying Judaism is great. The same if I’d been born a Christian’. So with that upbringing I was always able to respect everything.” 

The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

9 show all

1/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Jen Brister

Idil Sukan

2/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Sara Barron

Carla Guler

3/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Rosie Jones

Aemen Sukkar

4/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe

Suzi Ruffell

Jiksaw

5/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Jamali Maddix

6/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Nish Kumar

BBC/Endemol Shine UK

7/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Norris & Parker

8/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

David O’Doherty

9/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Lazy Susan

Bobby Goulding

1/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Jen Brister

Idil Sukan

2/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Sara Barron

Carla Guler

3/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Rosie Jones

Aemen Sukkar

4/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe

Suzi Ruffell

Jiksaw

5/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Jamali Maddix

6/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Nish Kumar

BBC/Endemol Shine UK

7/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Norris & Parker

8/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

David O’Doherty

9/9 The best comedy at Edinburgh Fringe 2018

Lazy Susan

Bobby Goulding

He found the teachings at the mosque inflexible. “Even the revelation itself came from the prophet asking questions of society. But we weren’t taught any of the historical context. All I was told was: ‘Read this’. The first alphabet I learned to read was Arabic and I didnt know what any of it meant. If I dared to question I’d get slapped. They said: ‘This is the word of God and that’s it, don’t ask questions’. As I got older that pushed me away.”

Comedy was not his next calling though. There was a long fixation with the diplomatic corps. Three of his uncles were in the service, and used to pick him up, aged six, in a limousine. “I used to wear a clip-on lime green tie every time they visited,” he says. “I wanted to be an ambassador.”

He studied economics at Queen Mary, University of London, and bought a house in Chadwell Heath, near Romford aged 18 — “I lucked out. Easy credit.” He buckled up for a career in banking through Barclays’ graduate programme — his parents lost their house in the 1991 recession and he needed to support the family.

“The main thing I did was wealth management for celebrities. There were some big names, including a comedian of much repute whose financial affairs were a bit of a scandal.”

So…  Jimmy Carr? 

“Right, so there we go. You look at someone like Jimmy Carr’s bank account and the remarkable thing was he had as much money as he did. For context, to open an account with me you needed £5 million in investment assets or an annual cash flow of £450,000. So, big money. And I’m a 21-year-old going ‘I’m never going to see that much’. And he’s doing comedy.” 

The best new writing to see at Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2018

He was made redundant during the 2008 financial crisis and went into occupational overdrive. He briefly reignited his diplomatic aspirations, studying for an MA at Birkbeck before dropping it. He then freelanced for The Observer and worked as a researcher for Sky News. “I’d even been a dance choreographer for a bit outside work at Barclays,” he says. “It was Bollywood. I choreographed groups for weddings, that kind of stuff.”

Then, some luck. A producer at Sky filmed him for a broadcast audition tape and spotted his flair for comedy. That was the nudge he needed. Akbar took an eight-week stand-up course and was spotted by Micky Flanagan’s agent.   

In 2014 his mum died. “I had two gigs left after her passing. I was going to do them, and that was going to be it. I couldn’t think about anything but my mum. But I hadn’t realised how cathartic comedy was for me. Confronting people who didn’t know me and my story and not thinking about my mum, it just became this safe space where I could enjoy myself.”

Akbar still lives with his dad and brother but even that’s comic material. He’s written a sitcom — still in the works — about trying to find love while living with his “housemates”. “They have loads of sex and I get nothing in the show,” he says. 

London’s best comedy clubs and nights

15 show all

1/15 The Soho Theatre

Sara Pascoe’s favourite comedy venue, and with good reason: the Soho Theatre is arguably London’s finest place to see both up-and-coming and established acts. Being a theatre, rather than a comedy club per se, expect to see full sets from individuals rather than bills with a few comics. Its three rooms host all sorts of things, from the latest Edinburgh winners to big names road-testing their latest bits. The standard is reliably excellent: even if you’ve never heard of a comedian, chances are, if they’re playing here, they’ll be worth watching.

2/15 The Comedy Store

Another old favourite, the Comedy Store benefits from being built for purpose: no other venue in London suits stand-up quite so well (and the beer isn’t too ridiculously priced, either). After starting out above a strip club in Soho, this place made its name throughout the eighties by breaking the pioneers in alternative comedy. It’s happy to host mainstream stars these days, and never struggles to draw top acts, but if you can only make one thing, try The Comedy Store Players, old pros whose improvised shows on Wednesdays and Sundays all but guarantee hilarity. Tuesday’s The Cutting Edge is best for those who like topical humour.

3/15 Old Rope at The Phoenix

Old Rope is popular with circuit veterans and newbies alike, so the weekly show usually has a mix of big names, comedy veterans and ones-to-watch. Host Tiff Stevenson leads an evening of new material – yes, lots of jokes given their test run – and it’s given its name for the noose that hangs over the stage. Ironically, this noose is a bit of a life-saver: if the new act is going badly, comics can grab the rope and fall back on old material.

4/15 Knock2bag

Always top value, the Knock2bag nights offer the chance to indulge in the odder end of the comedy spectrum: expect serious helpings of whimsy, eccentricity and surrealism. If you’re looking for something different, this is your place to go.

5/15 Monkey Business Comedy Club

A first-rate comedy club and well worth travelling for. We’d pick the Thursday night over Saturday, but you’ll get a decent show on either day. There’s a mix of big names and up-and-comers, and host Martin Besserman is a pro who’ll keep you laughing in between acts. Of which, there’s often as many as twelve a night, so you’ll get your money’s worth. If one isn’t to your taste, another promises a laugh.

6/15 Banana Cabaret Club

The Banana Cabaret Club hosts a lot of top drawer comics, and is well loved in comedy circles – in part, because they’ve been going a good thirty years and in part because of the man running things, David Vickers, whose had everyone from Eddie Izzard to Stephen K Amos performing. Stars pop-in, and comedy circuit regulars play often, but it’s also on the finest spots to see new talent . No wonder Marcus Brigstocke name-checked it as his favourite London comedy club. Besides, once the two-hour show is done (typically wrapping up around 11pm), DJs strike up and everyone dances till 2am. Splendid.

http://vivivi.co.uk/

7/15 Piccadilly Comedy Club

Hats off to the Piccadilly for keeping comedy cheap: their shows cost £10 at the most, and they do a ‘meal deal’, where you can eat at Tiger Tiger and see the show for £20 all-in. A bargain. Expect a mix of well-known TV regulars alongside the best newcomers on the scene. Line-ups are particularly well thought out here: they don’t just sling together anyone, so the nights tend to be uniformly excellent.

8/15 Leicester Square Theatre

The Leicester Square Theatre draws the big names, so expect to see top flight acts: Richard Herring hosts a weekly podcast here on Wednesdays, and the likes of Bridget Christie, Micky Flanagan and Frankie Boyle all make it a stopping point on their tours. That said, check the website for what’s upcoming – there are chance to see some under-the-radar sets too.

9/15 Live at Zédel

The excellent Brasserie Zédel – whose Bar Americain is one of the finest drinking spots in the capital – relaunched Crazy Coqs as Live At Zédel last year and following a successful first run, are launching their second season. Besides comedy – the standard is usually very decent – they also host musical theatre and drag acts. The cocktails are terrific and there’s at-table service. Eat in the restaurant beforehand (or after), too: we swung by recently and the food is as good as its ever been. Cheap, too.

10/15 Happy Mondays

This fortnightly show boasts the best new up-and-coming acts in the capital, combined with big name hosts – expect the likes of Miles Jupp, Sara Pascoe and Holly Walsh – who keep the standard up to scratch. Definitely up to par, somewhere to find your new favourite comedian.

11/15 Angel Comedy

Just how a comedy club should be: small, crowded and above a pub. Best of all, it’s free, and each night offers something different, from open-mic nights to well-known names giving their latest sets an airing. Check the website for details, but you won’t be let down – just get down early, as it fills up quickly.

12/15 Ginglik Comedy Club

Following a decade of success in Shepherd’s Bush, this comedy club has found a new home at the ever-popular Roof Gardens. Known as ‘Jimmy Carr’s favourite comedy club’, the Ginglik has had everyone from Al Murray to Robin Williams play, and is set for more success.

13/15 Laugh Out London

The likes of Stewart Lee, Reginald D Hunter and Tony Law play these nights, which gives an idea of just how decent they are. Laugh Out London always do a good job of bringing the highlights from Edinburgh festival to town, so take the chance to see who everyone’s been tweeting about.

14/15 The 99 Club

This Leicester Square club is much, much better than you might expect for a place that continually flyers. A big favourite with the Chortle Awards, it always attracts big names – it runs a little like ‘Live At The Apollo’ but on a smaller scale. There are three acts a night, and shows are fairly priced: some are as cheap as a fiver, though most will cost around £10 – £15. They’ve also got venues in Soho and Covent Garden.

15/15 Live At The Chapel

Bit of a shame that shows here are so few and far between – usually about once a month – but there’s no place more beautiful than the Union Chapel to see comedy in London. The upside is that, with so few performances, they always get the big names headlining, with unfailingly impressive support. Plus there’s usually a live band, who are fab. The atmosphere is everything.

Anthony Devlin/PA Wire

1/15 The Soho Theatre

Sara Pascoe’s favourite comedy venue, and with good reason: the Soho Theatre is arguably London’s finest place to see both up-and-coming and established acts. Being a theatre, rather than a comedy club per se, expect to see full sets from individuals rather than bills with a few comics. Its three rooms host all sorts of things, from the latest Edinburgh winners to big names road-testing their latest bits. The standard is reliably excellent: even if you’ve never heard of a comedian, chances are, if they’re playing here, they’ll be worth watching.

2/15 The Comedy Store

Another old favourite, the Comedy Store benefits from being built for purpose: no other venue in London suits stand-up quite so well (and the beer isn’t too ridiculously priced, either). After starting out above a strip club in Soho, this place made its name throughout the eighties by breaking the pioneers in alternative comedy. It’s happy to host mainstream stars these days, and never struggles to draw top acts, but if you can only make one thing, try The Comedy Store Players, old pros whose improvised shows on Wednesdays and Sundays all but guarantee hilarity. Tuesday’s The Cutting Edge is best for those who like topical humour.

3/15 Old Rope at The Phoenix

Old Rope is popular with circuit veterans and newbies alike, so the weekly show usually has a mix of big names, comedy veterans and ones-to-watch. Host Tiff Stevenson leads an evening of new material – yes, lots of jokes given their test run – and it’s given its name for the noose that hangs over the stage. Ironically, this noose is a bit of a life-saver: if the new act is going badly, comics can grab the rope and fall back on old material.

4/15 Knock2bag

Always top value, the Knock2bag nights offer the chance to indulge in the odder end of the comedy spectrum: expect serious helpings of whimsy, eccentricity and surrealism. If you’re looking for something different, this is your place to go.

5/15 Monkey Business Comedy Club

A first-rate comedy club and well worth travelling for. We’d pick the Thursday night over Saturday, but you’ll get a decent show on either day. There’s a mix of big names and up-and-comers, and host Martin Besserman is a pro who’ll keep you laughing in between acts. Of which, there’s often as many as twelve a night, so you’ll get your money’s worth. If one isn’t to your taste, another promises a laugh.

6/15 Banana Cabaret Club

The Banana Cabaret Club hosts a lot of top drawer comics, and is well loved in comedy circles – in part, because they’ve been going a good thirty years and in part because of the man running things, David Vickers, whose had everyone from Eddie Izzard to Stephen K Amos performing. Stars pop-in, and comedy circuit regulars play often, but it’s also on the finest spots to see new talent . No wonder Marcus Brigstocke name-checked it as his favourite London comedy club. Besides, once the two-hour show is done (typically wrapping up around 11pm), DJs strike up and everyone dances till 2am. Splendid.

http://vivivi.co.uk/

7/15 Piccadilly Comedy Club

Hats off to the Piccadilly for keeping comedy cheap: their shows cost £10 at the most, and they do a ‘meal deal’, where you can eat at Tiger Tiger and see the show for £20 all-in. A bargain. Expect a mix of well-known TV regulars alongside the best newcomers on the scene. Line-ups are particularly well thought out here: they don’t just sling together anyone, so the nights tend to be uniformly excellent.

8/15 Leicester Square Theatre

The Leicester Square Theatre draws the big names, so expect to see top flight acts: Richard Herring hosts a weekly podcast here on Wednesdays, and the likes of Bridget Christie, Micky Flanagan and Frankie Boyle all make it a stopping point on their tours. That said, check the website for what’s upcoming – there are chance to see some under-the-radar sets too.

9/15 Live at Zédel

The excellent Brasserie Zédel – whose Bar Americain is one of the finest drinking spots in the capital – relaunched Crazy Coqs as Live At Zédel last year and following a successful first run, are launching their second season. Besides comedy – the standard is usually very decent – they also host musical theatre and drag acts. The cocktails are terrific and there’s at-table service. Eat in the restaurant beforehand (or after), too: we swung by recently and the food is as good as its ever been. Cheap, too.

10/15 Happy Mondays

This fortnightly show boasts the best new up-and-coming acts in the capital, combined with big name hosts – expect the likes of Miles Jupp, Sara Pascoe and Holly Walsh – who keep the standard up to scratch. Definitely up to par, somewhere to find your new favourite comedian.

11/15 Angel Comedy

Just how a comedy club should be: small, crowded and above a pub. Best of all, it’s free, and each night offers something different, from open-mic nights to well-known names giving their latest sets an airing. Check the website for details, but you won’t be let down – just get down early, as it fills up quickly.

12/15 Ginglik Comedy Club

Following a decade of success in Shepherd’s Bush, this comedy club has found a new home at the ever-popular Roof Gardens. Known as ‘Jimmy Carr’s favourite comedy club’, the Ginglik has had everyone from Al Murray to Robin Williams play, and is set for more success.

13/15 Laugh Out London

The likes of Stewart Lee, Reginald D Hunter and Tony Law play these nights, which gives an idea of just how decent they are. Laugh Out London always do a good job of bringing the highlights from Edinburgh festival to town, so take the chance to see who everyone’s been tweeting about.

14/15 The 99 Club

This Leicester Square club is much, much better than you might expect for a place that continually flyers. A big favourite with the Chortle Awards, it always attracts big names – it runs a little like ‘Live At The Apollo’ but on a smaller scale. There are three acts a night, and shows are fairly priced: some are as cheap as a fiver, though most will cost around £10 – £15. They’ve also got venues in Soho and Covent Garden.

15/15 Live At The Chapel

Bit of a shame that shows here are so few and far between – usually about once a month – but there’s no place more beautiful than the Union Chapel to see comedy in London. The upside is that, with so few performances, they always get the big names headlining, with unfailingly impressive support. Plus there’s usually a live band, who are fab. The atmosphere is everything.

Anthony Devlin/PA Wire

Based on real life experience? “Slightly. My brother’s got a girlfriend in America and he’s having more sex than me.” He laughs. “I get no matches on Tinder. None. Muslim Tinder however, aka Minder… oh boy. You can declare how religious you are on there and a lot of girls, when they find someone who’s not religious, they’re like, ‘Oh, hello’. I’m the bad boy. I never thought I’d play that role.” 

You’ve got to have faith. Even when you don’t. 

Eshaan Akbar’s Prophet Like It’s Hot is at the Gilded Balloon, Edinburgh (edfringe.com) August 1-26

Source: https://www.standard.co.uk/go/london/arts/comedian-eshaan-akbar-i-want-people-to-see-the-funny-side-of-the-koran-a3895681.html

[roughentumble]

a freaky and disorienting thing is that ive realized that, as i accept more and more that i am a trans guy and thats ok, the more i sympathize w/ male characters that are just........ objectively The Worst. like i suffered through the ENTIRETY of Just Friends(2005) for Ryan Reynolds, and-- actually, hold on a sec, before i get back to the point i gotta take a quick sidebar to explain the pain, the TORTURE that is Just Friends, the 2005 film starring Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart, and written by Adam 'Tex' Davis. 

i had to watch it muted for like 90% of the film. the intensity of the “cringe” aspect of this film that bills itself as a “cringe “”””comedy””””” was so off-the-charts that i physically could not stop myself from vocalizing my discomfort through groans and screeches. i would mute the film, turn the screen away, play on my phone for a minute because i literally could not handle seeing the rest of the scene, only to turn my computer back around and find it STILL ON THE EXACT SAME SCENE. i skipped entire swathes of the film. it literally got to the point that i could not handle what was happening and i just--

i gave up! i gave up and i just skipped forward until i found scenes i thought i could handle, or that featured two people Talking instead of some Event Happening, and i’d watch that, and then the scene would change and i’d be in Suffer Town again, population 1: me. Me is the only inhabitant of Suffer Town. so much of the movie hinges so thoroughly on like-- like. A Person Failing At A Thing They’re Good At. and it made me want to die. i think this movie gave me depression, on top of my preexisting depression. it squared my depression. 

OKAY, back to my original point. or like, a mixture of explaining The Film, and explaining why my own reaction to it startled me so much. anyway.

so, ignoring the intense amount of Suffering you’ll have to live through if you’re bound and determined to watch ryan reynold’s entire filmography and you get to this monstrosity, the gist of the plot is thus: ryan reynolds plays a man who was a Stock Dweeb Character in high school. overweight, very low self-esteem, “uncool” hobbies, a very uncomfortable fixation on the one pretty girl who is nice to him and hangs out with him(who herself is dating a Stock Jerk Jock Football Player, who we’ll call SJJ, because I can’t remember his name and he doesn’t matter). on their graduation night they throw a party, he signs her yearbook with a Love Confession, and intends to give it to her.

something something The Yearbooks Accidentally Get Swapped, something something She Reads The Wrong Note And Goes “Um. Wtf My Dude????”. cue him going “NOO I DIDNT WRITE THAT WHAT? WHAT? WAIT OH NOOOO!!!”. cue him running downstairs and seeing SJJ reading his confession aloud to a chorus of twittering classmates.

so yeah, he’s embarrassed, the whole school’s laughing at him because of Course. he runs from the party yelling that he’s going to “be somebody” and also something about how the rest of them will never be anybody. ya’know. that usual thing you see Generic Stock Nerds saying when their feelings are real hurt in movies. 

cut to the future. he looks like ryan reynolds in 2005, so, you know. Really Fucking Good. like, Only Reason To Watch This Garbage Film levels of good. like, They Should Have Given Him Shirtless Scenes As Payment For Me Sitting Through The Rest Of It kinda’ fine. anyway. he’s hot and beautiful and is a talent manager for celebrities. he’s all rich and attractive, and he’s a complete sack of garbage to women. 

he’s actively horrified of the “friendzone”(im cringing right now just writing the word. its so awful) and he’s really not interested in women above a surface level. we see a woman at a bar who’s clearly his date telling him that he’s the Worst and that he needs to see women as people. as she talks he is disinterested at best. she walks away and another lady, who’s overheard the conversation, looks him up and down and decides she doesn’t really care what he’s like because he’s pretty, they flirt, and suddenly he’s been broken up with and acquired a NEW date in the span of about a minute of screentime.

he gets women basically wherever he goes, because he’s only really interested in a specific type of person and(i promise this is the last time i say it) because he looks like 2005 ryan reynolds. 

so because of some Plot Devices, he ends up back in his hometown and unable to get a plane out. he sees SJJ who is now a washed-up drunkard who wears his old varsity jacket around because Of Course. ryan finds him offputting, as do i, and it’s one of the few nearly funny scenes in the film, just because i enjoy juxtaposition and so(despite it being the most boilerplate, run-of-the-mill, dull point to make in a film) it actually was something i didn’t hate to see. 

he also sees Pretty Girl From High School. they semi-hit it off. she’s shocked that he looks Like That(i know i promised not to mention it again but it’s a legit plot point this time leave me alone), he’s shocked she still looks Like That. they agree to get food the next day. 

ryan acts like a bit of a dick, name-dropping celebs he works with left and right, and getting really aggressive when a waitress drops off a plate of his old usual(a really fattening pancake... thing. it looked gross tbqh.) and like, ok, so, i just, here’s where i--

okay. okay. okay. okay. in Ye Olde Days, i wouldve written him off as a douche, and hated him, and, i. i

i couldnt help but, feel, SO bad for him???? like. okay. he just. he had NO self-esteem as a teen. he felt extremely bad about himself, for a TON of reasons, so he literally ran away and reinvented himself entirely and, found a marginal amount of enjoyment from his life???? like, was he happy? no. but he was... he hated himself a little less maybe? he worked really hard to feel good about his body, he worked really hard to get a job he felt any semblance of pride in, he worked REALLY hard to eventually get to a place where he could feel... literally anything positive at any point. he genuinely truly put in real effort to become healthy and have a good career.

and then he, he gets stuck back at his old house, and people are trying to force him to eat food that makes him feel awful and then mocking him when he gets defensive about it, he gets injured and needs to go back to wearing his retainer again, he openly fails at a BUNCH of stuff that he’s specifically been working REALLY FUCKIN HARD AT, for YEARS, because he was insecure about being bad at it in high school(like ice skating, he’s really good at it now because he sucked in high school and he wanted to overcome that), and then also receives more mocking for failing at it, and. you just.

you’re watching someone who was at the bottom of a pit of despair, who clawed tooth and nail at the clay walls of their misery-prison in order to haul themselves all the way up to the lofty height of “misery pit again, but different this time”, as they get caught in a downpour that completely erases all their progress and they slide right back to where they started. you see him completely regress and it K I L L E D me. he gets stuck back in a place where every single flaw he tried to overcome is just! shoved! back! on him! all over!

and, yeah, he’s. not great to women. he’s not beating them or anything, i don’t think he treats them SUPER badly, or actively thinking of them as lesser. but it doesn’t change the fact that he is BAD to them, and he thinks of all interactions with attractive women as transactional. and thats TERRIBLE. but i just!!! i cant help myself man i cant stop i just i look at him and all i feel is like!!!!!!! 

leave him alone!!!!!!!!!!! get the boy therapy or something!!! dont tear him down like this!!!!!!! we cant just tear someone down every time they make a semblance of an attempt at being Not Miserable!!!!!!!! just!!!!! he doesnt need this, man!!!!! hes literally just The Saddest Person with The Lowest Self Esteem Of All Time, so he uses his newfound ability to find people willing to sleep with him, as a way of raising his self esteem. is he the Best Person? not on your life. but he’s just! a sad little man! who’s trying his best! i dont wanna see him torn to shreds, man. i just want him to realize that his self-worth doesn’t have to rely entirely on whether or not he’s sexually appealing.

because at the end of the day, i think that’s his major problem??? his own self-worth is so thoroughly wrapped up in whether he perceives himself as someone who’s sexually appealing to others. 

which like! fuck you! thats considered a Big Problem and So Sad when it’s a girl, if she feels her only self-worth comes from being sexually attractive to men, but, it feels like every time i see a dude goin thru somethin similar, its like “oh hes just a Bad.” and i get it, not only do men have the societal power in this equation, but also when theyre dealin with this same problem, dudes tend to externalize it in really unhealthy and sexist ways, and im not. im not saying every sexist dude just needs a manic pixie dream girl to waltz into his life or some shit!!! im just!!!!!!!!!! idk!!!

i just cant stop sympathizing w/ the dude. and wanting him to get Help. and suffering immensely when i see him literally regressing into a place of misery right before my very eyes. 

when really all i was supposed to get from the movie is “man was Fat and Gross. he grow up 2 b Sexist Womanizer. now he see old crush and learn Sexism Bad. then kissy”

[samanthasroberts]

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Id call it time traveling. Most of the time I didnt know I was doing it until I was already in too deep. It didnt matter the day of the week or the time, or who I was with. I was just as capable of bending time alone, as I was with a handful of friends.

There was no such thing as one or two or three drinks. Just like a two headed giraffe didnt exist, neither did grabbing a couple of drinks. Its that simple. I really cant explain it any other way. My average was a drink every fifteen minutes. I never thought about that. I didnt brag about it or work towards it or talk about it, my rhythm just happened. The drink was in my hand and I drank it. I didnt think of slowing down or having an empty hand.

Id start somewhere- at an apartment or at dinner or a happy hour or on a date and Id arm myself with whatever I was in the mood for. There were the regular players: Jack Daniels and diet coke, chardonnay, Redbull and vodka, Blue Moon and those few years in my early 20s where I thought the only two drinks on the planet was a Sex On The Beach and Cosmo. Drink menus were for amateurs.

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

For a long time the only shot I tossed back was Patron XO. Lemon drops and Kamikazes were too collegiate for me. I was smart enough to know that I always got sick after Whiskey. That was my kryptonite. It didnt stop me from drinking it again (and again), just in case getting sick was a one time thing. Spoiler alert: it wasnt.

So that was me, always, from the first time I got drunk during a party at 16 years old to my four day New Years Eve bender at age 30. But lets not call it a bender, or else my parents will worry. It was celebrating a new year with friends. It was a vacation and a belated birthday. It was me letting present, in the moment Diana take the wheel for a few days.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

It was all so normal and always OK: competing with friends how many guys we can make out with in one night (one of my favorite games), bouncing around speakeasys in the East Village, sneaking into the high end member only clubs in the Meatpacking District, 4am pancakes at a diner then going home with the cutest guy there, leaving without paying your tab, putting your drinks on a strangers tab, hooking up with your friends crush, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend (what, he had an accent, ok?), telling work you have a doctors appointment when you need an extra hour of sleep, telling work youre sick when youre too hungover to get out of bed, napping in the bathroom stall at work when you realize you went to work still drunk.

Theres wasnt a problem with any of this. I could go to six bars in a night and only remember two of them (seetime traveling). Others had different, less poetic names for it- like graying out or even more ominous, going black out. But lets not talk about that. Those words are scary.

It all just made so much sense to me. I had a desperate thirst for life, for new experiences and stories that were only mine and drinking was my very own special key to open that door. I dont remember being trained but I knew this truth: that I needed to drink- to have fun, to meet a guy, to de-stress, to celebrate, after a bad day, after a good day, when its more than 50 degrees out, when its under 15 degrees, because its Monday.

Its dramatic sounding, I know, but when I was drinking, like really in the middle of a good run, I was untouchable. My thoughts evened out and worries were left at the coat check. I was charming and funny. I was weightless and sexy. Nothing could ground me.

I wasnt stupid. I knew what was happening. There wasnt a river in Egypt. The biggest part was the after, when Morning Diana gradually and reluctantly pixelated back into place ready to droop down into the exorcist-like hangover.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

Sometime in my mid-twenties while I was gripping on to my spinning couch, I googled hangover and depression and was so relieved when I read the phrase emotional hangover. I immediately felt better seeing the feeling I felt printed on my screen. It was a relief: I wasnt alone in this feeling and it had a name. Urban Dictionary knows about it so it must be OK. Ill finish my bacon and chocolate milkshake and be just ducky.

The recovery time was always different- sometimes I could slide out of bed and be partially human the next day and other times I needed a day alone to stew in a mental playback of the night before. During those days the biggest challenge was the trek from my bedroom to couch. No matter how I recouped I never thought it was bad. I thought my friends were doing it too.

Country songs and Van Wilder confirmed for me that getting drunk and hangovers were a part of life. I never raised my hand to question it. So, about the men. I bet you thought it was hard to find a man with all this time zig zagging and space jumping but it wasnt. Lets go back ten years again and Ill tell you about all the threesomes I had. It was me, the guy, and alcohol.

It was how I flirted, played, connected, and bonded with men, always. If the boyfriend had a bad day wed start downing drinks in the hopes that hed open up and talk to me. To flirt with the new cute coworker Id suggest we play beer after work. Hed find it charming and cute and wed drunkenly made out in the corner of the bar after swapping 1st pet names and office gossip. I had a fling with a British banker off and on for 3 years and when wed meet late night hed pour us shots of tequila first. It was our thing. Our inside joke with Don Julio.We didnt know each others last names but we shared an appreciation for top shelf tequila at 3am before having sex. Im a romantic, I know.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

During each encounter, each date, I wouldnt feel satisfied until I heard those words. He could shout it or whisper it in my ear, either way I wanted those words. It meant: he liked me, hes having a good time, and he wanted to keep spending time with me. He didnt want the night to end. It meant intimacy, it meant hand holding and flirty eyes and of course, sex.

I could count the number of times I had sober sex on one hand. I didnt enjoy it. To avoid it, Id explain that I simply didnt like morning sex. Most of the time Id be too hungover to move from a fetal position so it wasnt pursued for long on his end anyway. Hooking up drunk was sexy and fun. We could let our inhibitions go and really connect. Fun was had by all. I wasnt worried about any of it.

Theres unfortunately worse parts. Im not going to tell them to you though. Mostly because my mother may read this. But also because I was once told that you dont need to go all the way to the bottom floor in order to get off the elevator. So lets baby step off the lift, shall we?

I was in one of my first sessions with my new therapist when she told me I repeated the word untouchable a lot and made me explain why I thought that was a good word. (See all of the above for my response). Valentines Day was two weeks away and I was mentally preparing to be single again during my least favorite holiday of the year.

I wasnt too worried though because Id participate in my friends annual BOVD- Black Out Valentines Day. The year before included colorful fish bowls and sushi till 2am. Problem solved. I was talking but realizing more and more how much she looked like Lily Tomlin when she put a piece paper down in front of me. It was a wordy contract with bullet points in the middle and a blank line next to my name at the bottom.

I was supposed to go a week without drinking. Thats a lie. I could drink. But only three glasses of beer or wine, two different nights. If I broke the contract I had to give $100 to her. Lily was crazy. How was this legal? I couldnt do this. Fact. I shouldnt have even been there. I wanted to deal with this but apparently not by actually dealing with it. I argued with her and left the session with the unsigned document squished to the bottom of my purse. That night I didnt sleep and express ordered Alan Carrs Easy Way to Control Alcohol. Problem solved. I went out drinking all week. And I drank like no one was watching.

Then I signed the contract. And then when week one ended, I signed the next contract. Was it easy? Fuck no. Did I have to write some checks to my therapist? Yes. Did I cry? Did I rant? Did my hands and mind twitch and turn during dinners with friends as I stared at my 1 drink for the night? Hell to the yes. Most nights all I could think about was my hand stammering under the table and how much I wanted and needed another drink.

I thought of the contract and Lilys annoying face staring down at me. I thought of how I felt when I was hungover. I thought of the fuzzy nights. I thought of the fuzzy years. I cried a lot. I stayed in and watched Netflix even more. I watched Vampire Diaries starting at season 1, many times. In therapy I compared my drunk self to being a vampire with no soul. There are many different points of view on vampire rule and regulations but most of them agree that the creatures of the night have no soul. Stick with me here. In Vampire Diaries the rule of thumb is that vampires can turn this soul switch off and on. When its on they feel everything, when its off they feel nothing and become untouchable. Follow me now? The easy way to live is to keep the switch off. I did that, over and over again. I was tired of it and wanted to be in the world of the living again. I didnt decide this overnight. It took months, a lot more episodes of Vampire Diaries and most of 2015. Something weird happened around the same time I switched to watching new episodes of Arrow that wouldve really pissed off my 23 year old Cosmo drinking self- I stopped enjoying drinking.

By November I was completely sober and joined a boxing ring. I could get up in the morning and exercise. I didnt need to sign a contract anymore. I sober dated. I sober celebrated friends birthdays. I sober had a fun Thursday night. I went to AA meetings sometimes and spent most of the meeting listening and nodding my head. I was funny and smart and friendly during the day and I was funny and smart and friendly at night. I added to my own life and stopped letting drinking take away from it. I started a social group. I started a book club. I started.

Sometime between the last crippling snow storm of last year and planning my 31st birthday, I stopped wanting to go to Edit Undo. I re-entered my own life. I went through those years and theyre a part of me for worse or worser. I went through it before knowing there was another side. I hit my rock bottoms (yes, there was more than one). Im still learning how to talk about it- what I want to say about it and to who. But the further I get from the person I was then, the more I like who Im turning into now. But letting go of her seemed like an impossible ask that the tiny tired voice deep inside me was begging for.

If I stopped drinking Id lose all of me, not just a part. I was terrified as if I was going to lose a limb or my hearing. My life would be filled withwhat? Id have no buoy or security blanket or man behind the curtain. Id be dry, unfilled, just curved edges and rims. The thought paralyzed me.

Now, Im at this other side. Im still learning what this other side is like and who I am in it. But I do know this- Im more now than I was before. Im more me and more strong and more present. I feel more and I listen to me more.

Days are now broken up between feeling this raw, strength of life and connection to people and namastes and really fantastic Im part of the universe and not from vibes to a total, giant uncertainty and instability, and anger and exhaustion. I never knew I could get tired of feelings. Weve moved in together, you see. We wake up together and go to bed together and they insist on forming an invisible fanny pack around my waist during the day. Hello intimacy, party of two. Theyre normally the big spoon. My thoughts continue from one moment to the next and connect without taking breaks. I had years and years of turning myself on and off and more off and now I just want to be on.

I wish I could say that when I wake up sober now, Im not depressed anymore or lonely, my friends became better friends, I became the perfect best friend, sister and daughter, and my love life came together Prince Charming Cinderella style. But becoming more sober didnt mean everything clicked into place, it just means I see the pieces more clearly and I dont hide from the messy parts.

So now whatdo I become resentful and guilty and depressed thinking about the years I spent avoiding intimacy and feelings and honesty and fuck, concrete memories? Do I think those years dont count? Do I blame my bad habits on the constant excess of New York City? Do I blame the alcoholic-like attributes that run in my blood line? Do I blame my friends? Or the work hard play hard Don Draper industry I work in? Do I blame shitty men boys?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Ive had men yell at me, not being able to grasp the idea of my moderated drinking habits, insisting that Im just pretending I dont drink because I wanted them to buy me drinks. I dont get it either. No means no guys. My friendships have changed, my god have my friendships changed. One friend who pre-games with a bottle of wine (a standard respectable approach I once followed), on multiple occasions, dumped her wine into my water when she realized I wasnt drunk like she was. Yeah, I dont spend time with her anymore.

I went sixty days without drinking before I decided to drink again. For me it was like breaking up with a boyfriend and then meeting up again two months later. Never a good idea. Youll never want to be just friends who catch every up every now and then. I drank Vueve Clicquot and it didnt make the night better but it didnt make it worse. I didnt gray out. I didnt break down. That night isnt fuzzy. I could wake up in the morning.

Theres been other times when I drank recently and couldnt move far from the couch. Those times are a quick, slap in the face of what not to do. But old feelings and doubts still come flooding back in. Will I always want another drink? Why cant I just stay sober? Why does everyone make it look so easy? Is my therapist actually Lily Tomlin?

Deep down I know the majority of my problems start and stop with alcohol. Drinking will always be a part of my life whether Im drinking or not. Itd be easier to figure out if I wasnt both the variable and constant in this little conundrum of mine.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

Im not 100% sober and I dont know if I ever will be. One day, maybe sooner rather than later, I could decide to sign up for a sober lifestyle again. But right now, I cant imagine midnight on New Years Eve without a champagne toast. I can do without five toasts but one still feels OK to me. So yeahmy relationship with drinking? We file it under Its complicated.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/

[adambstingus]

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Id call it time traveling. Most of the time I didnt know I was doing it until I was already in too deep. It didnt matter the day of the week or the time, or who I was with. I was just as capable of bending time alone, as I was with a handful of friends.

There was no such thing as one or two or three drinks. Just like a two headed giraffe didnt exist, neither did grabbing a couple of drinks. Its that simple. I really cant explain it any other way. My average was a drink every fifteen minutes. I never thought about that. I didnt brag about it or work towards it or talk about it, my rhythm just happened. The drink was in my hand and I drank it. I didnt think of slowing down or having an empty hand.

Id start somewhere- at an apartment or at dinner or a happy hour or on a date and Id arm myself with whatever I was in the mood for. There were the regular players: Jack Daniels and diet coke, chardonnay, Redbull and vodka, Blue Moon and those few years in my early 20s where I thought the only two drinks on the planet was a Sex On The Beach and Cosmo. Drink menus were for amateurs.

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

For a long time the only shot I tossed back was Patron XO. Lemon drops and Kamikazes were too collegiate for me. I was smart enough to know that I always got sick after Whiskey. That was my kryptonite. It didnt stop me from drinking it again (and again), just in case getting sick was a one time thing. Spoiler alert: it wasnt.

So that was me, always, from the first time I got drunk during a party at 16 years old to my four day New Years Eve bender at age 30. But lets not call it a bender, or else my parents will worry. It was celebrating a new year with friends. It was a vacation and a belated birthday. It was me letting present, in the moment Diana take the wheel for a few days.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

It was all so normal and always OK: competing with friends how many guys we can make out with in one night (one of my favorite games), bouncing around speakeasys in the East Village, sneaking into the high end member only clubs in the Meatpacking District, 4am pancakes at a diner then going home with the cutest guy there, leaving without paying your tab, putting your drinks on a strangers tab, hooking up with your friends crush, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend (what, he had an accent, ok?), telling work you have a doctors appointment when you need an extra hour of sleep, telling work youre sick when youre too hungover to get out of bed, napping in the bathroom stall at work when you realize you went to work still drunk.

Theres wasnt a problem with any of this. I could go to six bars in a night and only remember two of them (seetime traveling). Others had different, less poetic names for it- like graying out or even more ominous, going black out. But lets not talk about that. Those words are scary.

It all just made so much sense to me. I had a desperate thirst for life, for new experiences and stories that were only mine and drinking was my very own special key to open that door. I dont remember being trained but I knew this truth: that I needed to drink- to have fun, to meet a guy, to de-stress, to celebrate, after a bad day, after a good day, when its more than 50 degrees out, when its under 15 degrees, because its Monday.

Its dramatic sounding, I know, but when I was drinking, like really in the middle of a good run, I was untouchable. My thoughts evened out and worries were left at the coat check. I was charming and funny. I was weightless and sexy. Nothing could ground me.

I wasnt stupid. I knew what was happening. There wasnt a river in Egypt. The biggest part was the after, when Morning Diana gradually and reluctantly pixelated back into place ready to droop down into the exorcist-like hangover.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

Sometime in my mid-twenties while I was gripping on to my spinning couch, I googled hangover and depression and was so relieved when I read the phrase emotional hangover. I immediately felt better seeing the feeling I felt printed on my screen. It was a relief: I wasnt alone in this feeling and it had a name. Urban Dictionary knows about it so it must be OK. Ill finish my bacon and chocolate milkshake and be just ducky.

The recovery time was always different- sometimes I could slide out of bed and be partially human the next day and other times I needed a day alone to stew in a mental playback of the night before. During those days the biggest challenge was the trek from my bedroom to couch. No matter how I recouped I never thought it was bad. I thought my friends were doing it too.

Country songs and Van Wilder confirmed for me that getting drunk and hangovers were a part of life. I never raised my hand to question it. So, about the men. I bet you thought it was hard to find a man with all this time zig zagging and space jumping but it wasnt. Lets go back ten years again and Ill tell you about all the threesomes I had. It was me, the guy, and alcohol.

It was how I flirted, played, connected, and bonded with men, always. If the boyfriend had a bad day wed start downing drinks in the hopes that hed open up and talk to me. To flirt with the new cute coworker Id suggest we play beer after work. Hed find it charming and cute and wed drunkenly made out in the corner of the bar after swapping 1st pet names and office gossip. I had a fling with a British banker off and on for 3 years and when wed meet late night hed pour us shots of tequila first. It was our thing. Our inside joke with Don Julio.We didnt know each others last names but we shared an appreciation for top shelf tequila at 3am before having sex. Im a romantic, I know.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

During each encounter, each date, I wouldnt feel satisfied until I heard those words. He could shout it or whisper it in my ear, either way I wanted those words. It meant: he liked me, hes having a good time, and he wanted to keep spending time with me. He didnt want the night to end. It meant intimacy, it meant hand holding and flirty eyes and of course, sex.

I could count the number of times I had sober sex on one hand. I didnt enjoy it. To avoid it, Id explain that I simply didnt like morning sex. Most of the time Id be too hungover to move from a fetal position so it wasnt pursued for long on his end anyway. Hooking up drunk was sexy and fun. We could let our inhibitions go and really connect. Fun was had by all. I wasnt worried about any of it.

Theres unfortunately worse parts. Im not going to tell them to you though. Mostly because my mother may read this. But also because I was once told that you dont need to go all the way to the bottom floor in order to get off the elevator. So lets baby step off the lift, shall we?

I was in one of my first sessions with my new therapist when she told me I repeated the word untouchable a lot and made me explain why I thought that was a good word. (See all of the above for my response). Valentines Day was two weeks away and I was mentally preparing to be single again during my least favorite holiday of the year.

I wasnt too worried though because Id participate in my friends annual BOVD- Black Out Valentines Day. The year before included colorful fish bowls and sushi till 2am. Problem solved. I was talking but realizing more and more how much she looked like Lily Tomlin when she put a piece paper down in front of me. It was a wordy contract with bullet points in the middle and a blank line next to my name at the bottom.

I was supposed to go a week without drinking. Thats a lie. I could drink. But only three glasses of beer or wine, two different nights. If I broke the contract I had to give $100 to her. Lily was crazy. How was this legal? I couldnt do this. Fact. I shouldnt have even been there. I wanted to deal with this but apparently not by actually dealing with it. I argued with her and left the session with the unsigned document squished to the bottom of my purse. That night I didnt sleep and express ordered Alan Carrs Easy Way to Control Alcohol. Problem solved. I went out drinking all week. And I drank like no one was watching.

Then I signed the contract. And then when week one ended, I signed the next contract. Was it easy? Fuck no. Did I have to write some checks to my therapist? Yes. Did I cry? Did I rant? Did my hands and mind twitch and turn during dinners with friends as I stared at my 1 drink for the night? Hell to the yes. Most nights all I could think about was my hand stammering under the table and how much I wanted and needed another drink.

I thought of the contract and Lilys annoying face staring down at me. I thought of how I felt when I was hungover. I thought of the fuzzy nights. I thought of the fuzzy years. I cried a lot. I stayed in and watched Netflix even more. I watched Vampire Diaries starting at season 1, many times. In therapy I compared my drunk self to being a vampire with no soul. There are many different points of view on vampire rule and regulations but most of them agree that the creatures of the night have no soul. Stick with me here. In Vampire Diaries the rule of thumb is that vampires can turn this soul switch off and on. When its on they feel everything, when its off they feel nothing and become untouchable. Follow me now? The easy way to live is to keep the switch off. I did that, over and over again. I was tired of it and wanted to be in the world of the living again. I didnt decide this overnight. It took months, a lot more episodes of Vampire Diaries and most of 2015. Something weird happened around the same time I switched to watching new episodes of Arrow that wouldve really pissed off my 23 year old Cosmo drinking self- I stopped enjoying drinking.

By November I was completely sober and joined a boxing ring. I could get up in the morning and exercise. I didnt need to sign a contract anymore. I sober dated. I sober celebrated friends birthdays. I sober had a fun Thursday night. I went to AA meetings sometimes and spent most of the meeting listening and nodding my head. I was funny and smart and friendly during the day and I was funny and smart and friendly at night. I added to my own life and stopped letting drinking take away from it. I started a social group. I started a book club. I started.

Sometime between the last crippling snow storm of last year and planning my 31st birthday, I stopped wanting to go to Edit Undo. I re-entered my own life. I went through those years and theyre a part of me for worse or worser. I went through it before knowing there was another side. I hit my rock bottoms (yes, there was more than one). Im still learning how to talk about it- what I want to say about it and to who. But the further I get from the person I was then, the more I like who Im turning into now. But letting go of her seemed like an impossible ask that the tiny tired voice deep inside me was begging for.

If I stopped drinking Id lose all of me, not just a part. I was terrified as if I was going to lose a limb or my hearing. My life would be filled withwhat? Id have no buoy or security blanket or man behind the curtain. Id be dry, unfilled, just curved edges and rims. The thought paralyzed me.

Now, Im at this other side. Im still learning what this other side is like and who I am in it. But I do know this- Im more now than I was before. Im more me and more strong and more present. I feel more and I listen to me more.

Days are now broken up between feeling this raw, strength of life and connection to people and namastes and really fantastic Im part of the universe and not from vibes to a total, giant uncertainty and instability, and anger and exhaustion. I never knew I could get tired of feelings. Weve moved in together, you see. We wake up together and go to bed together and they insist on forming an invisible fanny pack around my waist during the day. Hello intimacy, party of two. Theyre normally the big spoon. My thoughts continue from one moment to the next and connect without taking breaks. I had years and years of turning myself on and off and more off and now I just want to be on.

I wish I could say that when I wake up sober now, Im not depressed anymore or lonely, my friends became better friends, I became the perfect best friend, sister and daughter, and my love life came together Prince Charming Cinderella style. But becoming more sober didnt mean everything clicked into place, it just means I see the pieces more clearly and I dont hide from the messy parts.

So now whatdo I become resentful and guilty and depressed thinking about the years I spent avoiding intimacy and feelings and honesty and fuck, concrete memories? Do I think those years dont count? Do I blame my bad habits on the constant excess of New York City? Do I blame the alcoholic-like attributes that run in my blood line? Do I blame my friends? Or the work hard play hard Don Draper industry I work in? Do I blame shitty men boys?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Ive had men yell at me, not being able to grasp the idea of my moderated drinking habits, insisting that Im just pretending I dont drink because I wanted them to buy me drinks. I dont get it either. No means no guys. My friendships have changed, my god have my friendships changed. One friend who pre-games with a bottle of wine (a standard respectable approach I once followed), on multiple occasions, dumped her wine into my water when she realized I wasnt drunk like she was. Yeah, I dont spend time with her anymore.

I went sixty days without drinking before I decided to drink again. For me it was like breaking up with a boyfriend and then meeting up again two months later. Never a good idea. Youll never want to be just friends who catch every up every now and then. I drank Vueve Clicquot and it didnt make the night better but it didnt make it worse. I didnt gray out. I didnt break down. That night isnt fuzzy. I could wake up in the morning.

Theres been other times when I drank recently and couldnt move far from the couch. Those times are a quick, slap in the face of what not to do. But old feelings and doubts still come flooding back in. Will I always want another drink? Why cant I just stay sober? Why does everyone make it look so easy? Is my therapist actually Lily Tomlin?

Deep down I know the majority of my problems start and stop with alcohol. Drinking will always be a part of my life whether Im drinking or not. Itd be easier to figure out if I wasnt both the variable and constant in this little conundrum of mine.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

Im not 100% sober and I dont know if I ever will be. One day, maybe sooner rather than later, I could decide to sign up for a sober lifestyle again. But right now, I cant imagine midnight on New Years Eve without a champagne toast. I can do without five toasts but one still feels OK to me. So yeahmy relationship with drinking? We file it under Its complicated.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/167431371812

[allofbeercom]

Getting Sober: Redefining My Longest Relationship

Id call it time traveling. Most of the time I didnt know I was doing it until I was already in too deep. It didnt matter the day of the week or the time, or who I was with. I was just as capable of bending time alone, as I was with a handful of friends.

There was no such thing as one or two or three drinks. Just like a two headed giraffe didnt exist, neither did grabbing a couple of drinks. Its that simple. I really cant explain it any other way. My average was a drink every fifteen minutes. I never thought about that. I didnt brag about it or work towards it or talk about it, my rhythm just happened. The drink was in my hand and I drank it. I didnt think of slowing down or having an empty hand.

Id start somewhere- at an apartment or at dinner or a happy hour or on a date and Id arm myself with whatever I was in the mood for. There were the regular players: Jack Daniels and diet coke, chardonnay, Redbull and vodka, Blue Moon and those few years in my early 20s where I thought the only two drinks on the planet was a Sex On The Beach and Cosmo. Drink menus were for amateurs.

Never red wine though. It stained my teeth and lips, Id explain when asked, and respond with my quirky I only drink it alone and in the dark answer. Theyd always laugh.

For a long time the only shot I tossed back was Patron XO. Lemon drops and Kamikazes were too collegiate for me. I was smart enough to know that I always got sick after Whiskey. That was my kryptonite. It didnt stop me from drinking it again (and again), just in case getting sick was a one time thing. Spoiler alert: it wasnt.

So that was me, always, from the first time I got drunk during a party at 16 years old to my four day New Years Eve bender at age 30. But lets not call it a bender, or else my parents will worry. It was celebrating a new year with friends. It was a vacation and a belated birthday. It was me letting present, in the moment Diana take the wheel for a few days.

By the time YOLO was on T-shirts I had carpe diem booze down to a science.

It was all so normal and always OK: competing with friends how many guys we can make out with in one night (one of my favorite games), bouncing around speakeasys in the East Village, sneaking into the high end member only clubs in the Meatpacking District, 4am pancakes at a diner then going home with the cutest guy there, leaving without paying your tab, putting your drinks on a strangers tab, hooking up with your friends crush, sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend (what, he had an accent, ok?), telling work you have a doctors appointment when you need an extra hour of sleep, telling work youre sick when youre too hungover to get out of bed, napping in the bathroom stall at work when you realize you went to work still drunk.

Theres wasnt a problem with any of this. I could go to six bars in a night and only remember two of them (seetime traveling). Others had different, less poetic names for it- like graying out or even more ominous, going black out. But lets not talk about that. Those words are scary.

It all just made so much sense to me. I had a desperate thirst for life, for new experiences and stories that were only mine and drinking was my very own special key to open that door. I dont remember being trained but I knew this truth: that I needed to drink- to have fun, to meet a guy, to de-stress, to celebrate, after a bad day, after a good day, when its more than 50 degrees out, when its under 15 degrees, because its Monday.

Its dramatic sounding, I know, but when I was drinking, like really in the middle of a good run, I was untouchable. My thoughts evened out and worries were left at the coat check. I was charming and funny. I was weightless and sexy. Nothing could ground me.

I wasnt stupid. I knew what was happening. There wasnt a river in Egypt. The biggest part was the after, when Morning Diana gradually and reluctantly pixelated back into place ready to droop down into the exorcist-like hangover.

When I was in college my hangover cure was strawberries and chocolate milk. After I received my diploma I graduated to well-done bacon, coffee, Mimosas. Water never entered the equation.

Sometime in my mid-twenties while I was gripping on to my spinning couch, I googled hangover and depression and was so relieved when I read the phrase emotional hangover. I immediately felt better seeing the feeling I felt printed on my screen. It was a relief: I wasnt alone in this feeling and it had a name. Urban Dictionary knows about it so it must be OK. Ill finish my bacon and chocolate milkshake and be just ducky.

The recovery time was always different- sometimes I could slide out of bed and be partially human the next day and other times I needed a day alone to stew in a mental playback of the night before. During those days the biggest challenge was the trek from my bedroom to couch. No matter how I recouped I never thought it was bad. I thought my friends were doing it too.

Country songs and Van Wilder confirmed for me that getting drunk and hangovers were a part of life. I never raised my hand to question it. So, about the men. I bet you thought it was hard to find a man with all this time zig zagging and space jumping but it wasnt. Lets go back ten years again and Ill tell you about all the threesomes I had. It was me, the guy, and alcohol.

It was how I flirted, played, connected, and bonded with men, always. If the boyfriend had a bad day wed start downing drinks in the hopes that hed open up and talk to me. To flirt with the new cute coworker Id suggest we play beer after work. Hed find it charming and cute and wed drunkenly made out in the corner of the bar after swapping 1st pet names and office gossip. I had a fling with a British banker off and on for 3 years and when wed meet late night hed pour us shots of tequila first. It was our thing. Our inside joke with Don Julio.We didnt know each others last names but we shared an appreciation for top shelf tequila at 3am before having sex. Im a romantic, I know.

My favorite three words when I was with a guy were Want another round?

During each encounter, each date, I wouldnt feel satisfied until I heard those words. He could shout it or whisper it in my ear, either way I wanted those words. It meant: he liked me, hes having a good time, and he wanted to keep spending time with me. He didnt want the night to end. It meant intimacy, it meant hand holding and flirty eyes and of course, sex.

I could count the number of times I had sober sex on one hand. I didnt enjoy it. To avoid it, Id explain that I simply didnt like morning sex. Most of the time Id be too hungover to move from a fetal position so it wasnt pursued for long on his end anyway. Hooking up drunk was sexy and fun. We could let our inhibitions go and really connect. Fun was had by all. I wasnt worried about any of it.

Theres unfortunately worse parts. Im not going to tell them to you though. Mostly because my mother may read this. But also because I was once told that you dont need to go all the way to the bottom floor in order to get off the elevator. So lets baby step off the lift, shall we?

I was in one of my first sessions with my new therapist when she told me I repeated the word untouchable a lot and made me explain why I thought that was a good word. (See all of the above for my response). Valentines Day was two weeks away and I was mentally preparing to be single again during my least favorite holiday of the year.

I wasnt too worried though because Id participate in my friends annual BOVD- Black Out Valentines Day. The year before included colorful fish bowls and sushi till 2am. Problem solved. I was talking but realizing more and more how much she looked like Lily Tomlin when she put a piece paper down in front of me. It was a wordy contract with bullet points in the middle and a blank line next to my name at the bottom.

I was supposed to go a week without drinking. Thats a lie. I could drink. But only three glasses of beer or wine, two different nights. If I broke the contract I had to give $100 to her. Lily was crazy. How was this legal? I couldnt do this. Fact. I shouldnt have even been there. I wanted to deal with this but apparently not by actually dealing with it. I argued with her and left the session with the unsigned document squished to the bottom of my purse. That night I didnt sleep and express ordered Alan Carrs Easy Way to Control Alcohol. Problem solved. I went out drinking all week. And I drank like no one was watching.

Then I signed the contract. And then when week one ended, I signed the next contract. Was it easy? Fuck no. Did I have to write some checks to my therapist? Yes. Did I cry? Did I rant? Did my hands and mind twitch and turn during dinners with friends as I stared at my 1 drink for the night? Hell to the yes. Most nights all I could think about was my hand stammering under the table and how much I wanted and needed another drink.

I thought of the contract and Lilys annoying face staring down at me. I thought of how I felt when I was hungover. I thought of the fuzzy nights. I thought of the fuzzy years. I cried a lot. I stayed in and watched Netflix even more. I watched Vampire Diaries starting at season 1, many times. In therapy I compared my drunk self to being a vampire with no soul. There are many different points of view on vampire rule and regulations but most of them agree that the creatures of the night have no soul. Stick with me here. In Vampire Diaries the rule of thumb is that vampires can turn this soul switch off and on. When its on they feel everything, when its off they feel nothing and become untouchable. Follow me now? The easy way to live is to keep the switch off. I did that, over and over again. I was tired of it and wanted to be in the world of the living again. I didnt decide this overnight. It took months, a lot more episodes of Vampire Diaries and most of 2015. Something weird happened around the same time I switched to watching new episodes of Arrow that wouldve really pissed off my 23 year old Cosmo drinking self- I stopped enjoying drinking.

By November I was completely sober and joined a boxing ring. I could get up in the morning and exercise. I didnt need to sign a contract anymore. I sober dated. I sober celebrated friends birthdays. I sober had a fun Thursday night. I went to AA meetings sometimes and spent most of the meeting listening and nodding my head. I was funny and smart and friendly during the day and I was funny and smart and friendly at night. I added to my own life and stopped letting drinking take away from it. I started a social group. I started a book club. I started.

Sometime between the last crippling snow storm of last year and planning my 31st birthday, I stopped wanting to go to Edit Undo. I re-entered my own life. I went through those years and theyre a part of me for worse or worser. I went through it before knowing there was another side. I hit my rock bottoms (yes, there was more than one). Im still learning how to talk about it- what I want to say about it and to who. But the further I get from the person I was then, the more I like who Im turning into now. But letting go of her seemed like an impossible ask that the tiny tired voice deep inside me was begging for.

If I stopped drinking Id lose all of me, not just a part. I was terrified as if I was going to lose a limb or my hearing. My life would be filled withwhat? Id have no buoy or security blanket or man behind the curtain. Id be dry, unfilled, just curved edges and rims. The thought paralyzed me.

Now, Im at this other side. Im still learning what this other side is like and who I am in it. But I do know this- Im more now than I was before. Im more me and more strong and more present. I feel more and I listen to me more.

Days are now broken up between feeling this raw, strength of life and connection to people and namastes and really fantastic Im part of the universe and not from vibes to a total, giant uncertainty and instability, and anger and exhaustion. I never knew I could get tired of feelings. Weve moved in together, you see. We wake up together and go to bed together and they insist on forming an invisible fanny pack around my waist during the day. Hello intimacy, party of two. Theyre normally the big spoon. My thoughts continue from one moment to the next and connect without taking breaks. I had years and years of turning myself on and off and more off and now I just want to be on.

I wish I could say that when I wake up sober now, Im not depressed anymore or lonely, my friends became better friends, I became the perfect best friend, sister and daughter, and my love life came together Prince Charming Cinderella style. But becoming more sober didnt mean everything clicked into place, it just means I see the pieces more clearly and I dont hide from the messy parts.

So now whatdo I become resentful and guilty and depressed thinking about the years I spent avoiding intimacy and feelings and honesty and fuck, concrete memories? Do I think those years dont count? Do I blame my bad habits on the constant excess of New York City? Do I blame the alcoholic-like attributes that run in my blood line? Do I blame my friends? Or the work hard play hard Don Draper industry I work in? Do I blame shitty men boys?

Yes, to all of the above. I point the finger at all of them and then back at me, and then at them and back at me. Lily says hi.

Ive had men yell at me, not being able to grasp the idea of my moderated drinking habits, insisting that Im just pretending I dont drink because I wanted them to buy me drinks. I dont get it either. No means no guys. My friendships have changed, my god have my friendships changed. One friend who pre-games with a bottle of wine (a standard respectable approach I once followed), on multiple occasions, dumped her wine into my water when she realized I wasnt drunk like she was. Yeah, I dont spend time with her anymore.

I went sixty days without drinking before I decided to drink again. For me it was like breaking up with a boyfriend and then meeting up again two months later. Never a good idea. Youll never want to be just friends who catch every up every now and then. I drank Vueve Clicquot and it didnt make the night better but it didnt make it worse. I didnt gray out. I didnt break down. That night isnt fuzzy. I could wake up in the morning.

Theres been other times when I drank recently and couldnt move far from the couch. Those times are a quick, slap in the face of what not to do. But old feelings and doubts still come flooding back in. Will I always want another drink? Why cant I just stay sober? Why does everyone make it look so easy? Is my therapist actually Lily Tomlin?

Deep down I know the majority of my problems start and stop with alcohol. Drinking will always be a part of my life whether Im drinking or not. Itd be easier to figure out if I wasnt both the variable and constant in this little conundrum of mine.

Today, I stare all the feels in the face, and make sure they know the last sixteen years matter but the last thirteen months matter even more. Im not her anymore, Im a different, more me now.

Im not 100% sober and I dont know if I ever will be. One day, maybe sooner rather than later, I could decide to sign up for a sober lifestyle again. But right now, I cant imagine midnight on New Years Eve without a champagne toast. I can do without five toasts but one still feels OK to me. So yeahmy relationship with drinking? We file it under Its complicated.

The good news is, Ive learned how to unwind on a Friday night without the trifecta of a bottle of wine, pizza and Netflix. My secret is just pizza and Netflix.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/11/13/getting-sober-redefining-my-longest-relationship/