#ppl experiences disorders mental states etc)

[mute-call]

i’ve talked about this before but like steven is genuinely Not a Well Man. like. he has some screws loose if you know what i mean. no one normal 1. works the night shift for 6 yrs on & off while everyone around them is either quitting or getting severely injured 2. goes “oh…. Huh,” when they KNOW they’re literally about to get brutally murdered

[successfulgoddess333]

IDK WHAT TO TITLE THIS??? Just read

I think by creating countless amounts of posts to help people reach the state of shifting or enter the void state is low key pointless

Because why do I have to continue to tell you

A bunch of people I’ll never actually talk to

Irl

How to do something we were all created and born TO DO??

You’re just read this and then proceed to not do it anyway

The reason you’re on here is actually why you “can’t do it”

It’s not that you can’t

You won’t

Because you’re procrastinating but not only are you procrastinating you’re also

Trying to figure out how to do something

You’ve always known what to do

I read somewhere some ppl can’t enter the void

Because it was scientifically proven that we all have different parts of brains that’ll allow it or something I don’t remember but google it

I think that’s weird

Because the void state is literally conscious

Every single human being has consciousness

And we can all access it through meditation hypnosis etc

Why some ppl enter it more easily

Is because they don’t overthink it most ppl look at it as a “oooh I wanna try it”

When you’re excited to try something you don’t over complicate it or assume it’s not gonna work

Even if you do you’re still too excited to try it to care

it’s important that if you’ve already discovered the loa void state and shifting

You should continue to believe in it

But the actions matter just as much as the intentions

Your actions shouldn’t be wavering like

Is it real?

But then saying you believe it is

Figure it out

Do you believe in it or not?

Stop confusing your subconscious mind

Now back to what I was saying earlier

You keep treating it like a chore or a job

When you finally lay down to meditate you think

“What’s takin so long?”

Babe

Your impatience is the reason you’re not getting it

The whole point is for relaxation but since you’ve all put it on a pedestal

With the manifesting

You act as if

It’s a wish granter

It’s not

You are the reason you get your desire

You could get in the void rn but you’d only get your desires if YOU say your affirmations

Stop

Waiting to enter the void

If you have this mindset it’s not gone happen

Think of it as a

You’re setting the intention and just vibing

That’s why my method with the music works so well

Because I don’t overthink with music on

Music keeps me awake mentally and certain songs keep me relaxed physically

Plus it’s a good energy then just depending on a subliminal or something

It’s not doing it for you

My method plus ppl on here literally getting in the void

With no background noise is proof that subliminals are just guiding you to a destination you were already going to reach on your own

So what to take from this post

1. Stop depending on subliminals it’s fine to use them but thinking it’s gonna get your results is putting power into something that isn’t as powerful as you

2. Procrastination is going to be the cost of a life you could be living The more you linger on this looking for the answers you already know the longer you’ll be living in a world you are desperately trying to escape from congrats you’ve got a Dr you can daydream and escape this reality mentally but what’s the fun in that? That life you keep fantasizing is real and the universe knows how bad you want it so why fantasize? Go there

3. Why are you wondering how ppl get in the void easily? Simply just stop thinking about it so much literally just meditate think affirm whatever don’t even think of the void but still have that intention in your mind you wanna move your body? Why? You hate this reality you wanna block out all the physicality it actually feels so good to just be in a moment of peace I’m telling y’all the key to entering the void shifting etc other OOB experiences is literally just stop paying attention

You know so many ppl with adhd

Or other neurodivergent disorders think it’s so difficult to focus

But I remember years ago I accidentally entered the void without knowing what it was

I was so sleepy I laid down

Got distracted by a thought

And literally it went black for like five seconds and I felt nothing

So literally just stop paying attention

Affirm

If you want

Set the intention count whatever

Or you could just set the intention and just think

Of literally anything

That doesn’t cause physical reactions like a funny thought you’d laugh at

But just pretend you’re dreaming like how you normally would

Which brings me to my method

THE DREAM METHOD:

You could pretend to be dreaming

Like if you can’t visualize it still use your sense

Image your dreaming

And in that dream you’re living your dream life or you could “dream” that you’re in the void

However you want your void to look

By not moving you’re tricking your body into thinking you’re asleep

And by pretending to be dreaming

You’re tricking your mind into thinking

You’re both sleeping and dreaming

This will make you either dream Forreal

Or you could use this to get in the void

When or if you feel symptoms

By the way

Those floaty etc symptoms are actually signs that you’re astral projecting because shifting your awareness is a mind thing

NOT an outer body experience

So if you feel floaty dizzy spinning etc

You are astral projecting

BUT

You can use astral projection to shift and to enter the void

You’re Welcome

Also P.S but have you ever zoned out and stared at something til your vision got all blurry and background noises get fuzzy and whatever you’re focused on is the only think you can subconsciously focus on?

Yeahhh it’s a trance

Try doing this while meditating with your eyes open then close them and keep doing it

What ever you were focus on

Close your eyes

Set the intention

Affirm for a bit

Breathe then

Imagine something

Anything you’d want

And pretend to dream

By just visualizing or thinking or using your senses

You could put on an instrumental and imagine your doing a music video

If you feel symptoms just remember

Nothings physically happening to you

So why focus on it?

If someone saw you you’d still be in bed

Not moving

Itchy feelings mean your body is feeling as if you’re awake

There’s no actual physical symptoms of entering the void

Because it’s not really an out of body experience it’s you shifting your awareness has nothing to do with your body

Since you’re shifting to the 4D

The 4D is not physical

I may have mentioned symptoms in my previous posts I don’t remember I’m not a hypocrite I just learn and get more educated

But no matter

Take this how you want

And even if I could help

I could never get you into the void state

It’s literally me trying to tell YOUR subconscious mind to do something you already know how to do

Like cmon

Also

You don’t need the void to shift

Trust me there’s a gagillion methods

Another also

You don’t even need a method just lay down don’t move

Trust me weird shit will happen

[sophieinwonderland]

I'm the one that left the comment on the post critiquing your take on inner dialogue and plurality that mentioned my understanding of how trains of thought would work and why a thought process akin to Kronk's dialogue with his shoulder angel/devil doesn't seem to imply that he's "plural" in my opinion. I don't really agree with your rebuttal, that in that example he'd be plural due to the pronouns they use, how they interact, have their own memories, etc.

My comment was again, my understanding of how some people have mental trains of thought. I think it's important to note that everyone thinks/rationalizes differently. Some without words at all but rather things like the perception of the world around them and emotions. They may not think "that's a beautiful photo, I wonder who took it and when. I wish the lighting was a bit better" with those words but they actively feel those things. However the absence of an inner dialogue doesn't mean someone who processes this way without words can't experience something like DID, if that makes sense. Just as someone with it might use "I" and "me". It was hard for me to understand at first how one could "think" without thinking, but I'm mostly going by my understanding and the experiences of people I know and that was also true in my comment as I know others have thought processes like that (and ppl seemed to agree). Which I know isn't a credible source, just different perspectives I've heard based on how different individuals think and process.

It's also normal to my understanding to not only use first person pronouns but also "we", "you", "us", etc. It doesn't mean you perceive yourself as having more than one identity or are otherwise interacting with a different identity with agency and such. I can't imagine that not being normal. For some, it seems thoughts can alternate between feeling like a monologue and dialogue, particularly if you're facing inner conflict or have multiple thoughts on something. I think factors like neurodevelopmental disorders can play a role in this.

A train of thought might interject while someone with a singular identity is thinking about something or having an inner conflict. Someone may think "I think I want ice cream" and another thought might be like "you should have dinner first" and a third may interject as someone remembers something like "wait remember what our doctor said about lactose?". But those pronouns are kind of interchangeable depending on the person, and the memory of the interaction with their doctor brought forth by a train of thought is still their memory. It didn't come from a third party it's just them whereas in someone with alternate identity states, it would be sourced from an alter that is autonomous at least in some regard. I mean is it not possible for that to just be one person at war with themselves? I won't understand how everyone's mind works but that just seems normal. You're you but your thoughts may offer a perspective you didn't initially consider or reference a memory- your memory

So with Kronk again, the back and forth may seem like a dialogue but the difference is that it's sourced from one identity. Might not seem that way but it seems the angel/devil is still his personified inner dialogue. They all experience the same things, have the same memories, and while maybe having different "personalities" everyone has different sides of themselves. Yknow like the evil Kermit meme? One side of you saying to pick up the fallen ice cube and the other saying "you/I/we should kick it under the fridge". Still one person. That's my understanding but again brains work differently even in those with a singular identity state. I hope that's coherent enough (I struggle to condense my words oftentimes) but it just makes sense that a lot of people who think in words would experience it that way? Between what feels like a monologue/dialogue but still being one identity?

These are some fair points.

I would agree that people do just think differently sometimes. And having an inner dialogue or using these sorts of pronouns aren't necessary for plurality. It can even be possible for singlets to have an inner monologue that uses "you" pronouns.

Before going on, for what constitutes a person, I want to being up John Locke's definition of personhood, defining a person as...

a thinking intelligent Being, that has reason and reflection, and can consider it self as itself, the same thinking thing in different times and places

This is what I tend to mean when I say headmates are people.

This is also a general criteria I use for differentiating between multiple and singlet experiences. (With the caveat that plurality is a spectrum and there's a gray area in the middle for median systems.)

A headmate in my opinion follows the same pattern.

1. A headmate can think 2. It's capable of reason and reflection 3. It can consider itself as itself the same thinking being in different times and places.

The first is a bit redundant. Criteria two can't really be true if criteria one isn't. These two though are able to rule out a lot of psychotic hallucinations and dream characters from personhood, as most aren't capable of self-reflection.

The third criteria is actually two in one. It's being able to recognize yourself in different times and places. But it's also being able to distinguish yourself in different times and places.

To recognize when an action is yours and when it's someone else's.

Another layer to this is that it inherently implies some sort of persistence and autobiographical memories. After all, you can't recognize yourself in the past if you don't have a past.

With this context in mind, I'd like to step back to the Kronk point.

So with Kronk again, the back and forth may seem like a dialogue but the difference is that it's sourced from one identity. Might not seem that way but it seems the angel/devil is still his personified inner dialogue. They all experience the same things, have the same memories, and while maybe having different "personalities" everyone has different sides of themselves.

I don't actually agree that they have the same memories.

At least not entirely.

See, they'll each remember the same things happening. They'll each know the general events. But they'll each relate to memories differently.

If Kronk were to recall the conversations he's had with the Angel and Devil Kronks, he would likely recall it in terms "I said this, The Angel said that, the Devil responded this way," etc.

Kronk wouldn't consider their thoughts or actions to be his own. And this would go both ways. If you asked the Angel about things Kronk did, the angel would likely recall those in terms of Kronk doing those things. He wouldn't have a feeling of "I poisoned Kuzco." Because he didn't. Kronk did.

What is happening here can best be described as compartmentalization dissociation. The Angel, the Devil and the core Kronk are dissociated from each other, and don't view the actions of other members as their own.

"Trains of Thought"

I don't believe you're using this term the way most people would use it. When the majority of people refer to having multiple trains of thoughts, they're referring to an ability to think multiple things simultaneously.

What they aren't generally referring to is these "trains of thought" having their own intelligence, identity and recall.

You don't have a "train of thought" that thinks of itself as a separate entity from you, and will still remember things it told you a week later.

If you do have multiple "trains of throught" that are able to think for themselves, have their own distinct sense of self and autobiographical memories, and are self-conscious being able to recognize themselves as separate agents, I think you should consider that maybe your "trains" were people all along.

[multifandomslxt]

Yea I’m on break but…

It’s Autism awareness month😊

April is Autism Awareness Month. At the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), it's a time to reflect on our progress and reaffirm our commitment to supporting research that responds to the needs of people on the autism spectrum, now and into the future.

Even though I’m sure a lot of us knows how autism looks on someone on the more severe end of the spectrum…there are those who are on the not so severe end…in most cases those ppl don’t even know that they’re autistic 🧍🏿‍♀️.

Remember the spectrum is very wide guys so don’t be ignorant🙂. ( you can research on this to gain my understanding)

Even though I’m sure we should all know and do this…treat EVERYONE with respect and try to help out where you can. Living with Autism is actually not easy.

Here’s my story

I was diagnosed in December 2022 and I went into a state of depression. It was shocking for me as I was basically told that I was living most of my life as an autistic person w/o even knowing.

I thought I was just too sensitive to changes, too over organized in certain aspects etc.

I would constantly engage in stimming (self- stimulation) without actually knowing what I was doing. I would bang my head with my fists, shut my eyes tightly and twitch etc. when faced with stressful situations.

I became angry and annoyed when I experienced any type of sudden change, I was attached to objects specifically my ear phones and would feel the need to lash out or freak out when I was deprived of them r when I thought they weren’t near me.

I realized that these really weren’t normal behaviours and I needed to see someone…long story short here I am.

An autistic Black woman who is still trying to adjust to changes, trying to deter my self from harmful self stimulation, trying to not let autism define me.

People often associate autism with children but those children will grow up and then there are adults and elders who as I said don’t even know they’re autistic. When they find out though…or if they do similar to my experience they may feel like it’s the end of the world…but I learned something

Autism is a disorder not a death sentence.

To all my fellow autistic people especially those of colour …live your life to the absolute fullest.

It will be harder for some that’s a given but that’s why we’ll have people who will love and support us no matter what…who’ll have patience and sympathize with us…we will care and be cared for that’s how the world will evolve.

Happy Autism Awareness Month💙❤️💛

[vorpalfae]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[unknowinglydeceasedlol]

About Me

vent blog - yes, you can reblog anything and everything I post unless I specifically state otherwise :)

TLDR: 20, They/He Queer, Severally Mentally Ill

DNI: pro/ed pages (pro recovery is fine), racists, terfs, homophobes/ transphobes/ etc, anti-feminist, ableist, body shamers, fetishizers (anyone who glorifies any toxic behaviors, fetishizes mentally ill ppl in any way, people with savior complexes who think every mentally ill person needs “saving”; etc), anyone under 13 (these spaces aren’t spaces you should be in lol. i understand wanting people who can relate to you but it can be equally as damaging if you’re not careful. coming from a former 13 yo who was in spaces they shouldn’t be, take care of yourself)

Me

♡ 20

♡ Queer/ Gender-fluid

♡ They/He

♡ Demi-Sexual/Romantic

• heavy preference in women/ fem presenting people

Disorders

♡ BPD

♡ Anxiety

♡ Bipolar

♡ OCD

♡ EDs

• won’t elaborate/ talk about it

• anti “pro-ana/ ed”, “meanspo/thinspo”, etc pages

• pro-recovery pages are fine <3

♡ Autistic

♡ Psychosis

♡ ADHD

♡ Safe Space for anyone struggling. <3

Hey! I’ve decided to start a new tumblr :] I had one years ago and it kinda got big but people were taking things in ways that made me uncomfortable so I abandoned it. I’ll probably be using this to vent/ ramble/ get my thoughts out there so big TW for any topics mentioned above and more. Browse this page with your own discretion.

As you may be able to tell from the list above, I am pretty mentally fucked. It’s not the complete list of my disorders but probably the ones I’m most comfortable disclosing. I hope to provide a safe space where people can relate and find comfortable in. I know sometimes all you really need is to know people are out there with the same experience and being able to interact with them helps so I hope to be that person for some of you if possible <3 feel free to send me ask with questions or if you need some advice and I’ll try my best to give some advice when possible.

Comment “🖤” (if you’re an adult) or “🤍” (if you’re a minor) under any of my posts if you wanna be mutuals! (Please be honest about your age lol. I’m not asking for you to be specific but I’d rather know off the bat if my mutuals are minors or adults because there’s strict boundaries I have for different age groups.)

I’ll probably edit this in the future but just wanted to get something together quickly to pin <3

[prettypei]

REQUEST RULES + INBOX RULES ∞ ₒ ˚ ° 𐐒

this is an sfw blog! Do not request nsfw or dark content works please

I also won’t write for suicidal thoughts or eating disorders or mental disorders. I myself do not have experience with the topic, and I do feel uncomfortable writing them. I don't condone harassment over consumption of fictional media. However I can write body positivity fluff :) and also no self-harm, incest, abuse, noncon, or cheating. Alpha/Omega troupes are not allowed too ^^ (cuz I don't really grasp the concept of it lol)

Please also not request nicotine or drugs! I will not write for nicotine unless it is canon in the character ex. Shoko, aki… etc I see a lot of ppl saying that geto smokes/gets high but I’m not really comfortable with writing that request!

you can request anyone in the JJK or GENSHIN fandom. I don’t play genshin a lot nowadays so I will mostly write for mondstadt characters to sumeru, no Fontaine (yet)

characters I will not be writing for: diona, naoya, principal yaga, mahito, sukuna, junpei (I either don’t like writing them or I just don’t understand their character enough, sorry)

for LGBTQ! I will write for wlw,and mainly that. I don’t feel comfortable writing mlm because again, I don’t have much experience. You can request stuff other than mlm like neopronouns….etc etc

how to request: use the ask box (no dms!), request the characters you want (maximum up to 4 characters), specify if you want a headcannon (bulleted, short-worded) or drabble (short paragraph) or one-shot (one character, short story), state what reader you want! (I can’t really write for m! Reader so fem! Or gn!, if you don’t specify I will write it as gn! Reader) and submit!

also remember I am still a student, I do not have a lot of free time! I will get to your request eventually, promise.

please don’t spam chats! don’t go crazy and send twenty asks a day, one is enough.

don’t vent please! Even if we are mutuals I don’t want venting here on my blog, please respect that! if you want to vent, speak to a loved one or family member that cares about you with their consent!

ask if you wanna be moots! don't feel shy, and you can become an anon too just by asking! again, no dms.

ask away! Personal asks about my life are a-okay too 🙏 just not too personal like “what school do you go to” yk

I respond to all asks! (If I’m uncomfortable with it I’ll just answer it privately, most of the asks will be posted publicly unless you state otherwise!) If you don’t think I received it, send it again! Tumblr is glitchy sometimes I have this problem with my moots a LOT lmao

[tainbocuailnge]

one thing about the way socialed medias are like. reducing the experience of having adhd/autism/etc but mostly those two lately to like a list of quirky habits while simultaneously armchair diagnosing everyone who has any of those quirky habits for whatever reason. is i think a lot of the like habits and coping methods of people with whatever combination of adhd and autism and whatever else are things that literally anyone can benefit from it's just that if you have problems disorder you Need that benefit in order to function in a society not built for you.

this post prompted by seeing a thread that went something like "adhd people need floor time! just sit on the floor to become emotionally stable!" "is this an autism thing too" "yeah autism too" like maybe I'm the one whose experiences are not universal here but I think the tactile experience of sitting or lying on the floor can help literally anyone with or without disorders. you're literally physically grounding yourself which will naturally help stabilise your mental state too this is monkey brain level stuff. it's just that when you have a disorder that makes you more prone to being overwhelmed you end up having a much higher need for methods to ground yourself, so sitting on the floor every now and then becomes a hard necessity to keep yourself from ripping your face off instead of a quirky habit. ppl with autism often need advance notice for anything and will have a significantly worse than average time when things happen without warning but ppl without autism also appreciate being told ahead of time when things will happen it just doesn't throw off their whole day the same way when they don't get the notice.

point i'm trying to make I guess is I just don't think it's constructive to separate certain experiences and habits as being Only for These Specific Disorders because a lot of it is stuff that's really just part of a normal human experience just in more or lesser amounts than "average" or perhaps more accurately than what society is built to accommodate for. there ARE experiences that are unique to having particular disorders but even then I think it's often way more useful to talk in terms of "if you experience x you should try y about it" rather than "if you have x disorder you should do y" because i think destigmatisation is also about not framing certain needs as belonging only to "abnormal" people. like if you set up a whiteboard with a schedule in the hallway because you got autism and need to know everything at least two days in advance the housemates without autism are also gonna be looking at it to see what's happening the day after tomorrow you feel me. it's not solely and exclusively useful to people with the list of board certified disorders.

[bpd00m]

welcome to ur d00m

ha ha. get it?

***dni at bottom***

shit i post ab

bpd

cluster b in general

csa (child s3xual abuse) & cocsa (child on child s3xual abuse)

shitposts ab my mental health/experiences

serious educational posts & resources on cluster b and/or csa

ptsd

occasionally peter steele, vampires, favourite films (typically gothic), acid bath, mutiilation, music-related shit in general, other irrelevant shit

chronic illnesses

my constant mental breakdowns😎

shit ab me

u can call me d00m/doom

she/her but i'm cool with they/them

i don't like to censor but will if needed

i've been professionally diagnosed with bpd, ptsd, social anxiety, adhd (w intrusive thoughts), a speech/processing issue

i have psychogenic seizures specifically connected to my ptsd from csa

former bulimic (stiiilllll in recovery), former addict, former 🅱️elf 🅱️arm-er

this blog is anonymous- so anything like my name, age, location, identifiable features, etc will be kept under wraps. pls respect that.

i am open ab my trauma & willing to share, i'm just not sure how or when to do so. or if it's even something ur interested in

lgbtq+ we queer in here

i am chronically ill (unknown mystery illness/disorder & endometriosis)

i'm always open to asks & messages. i’m kinda shit at talking and being a human being but i try my best to sound semi-coherent. sometimes i might respond a little bit late but i promise i respond..eventually

do not interact

anti-cluster b

stigmatise mental illnesses (especially cluster b)

support p3dos/MAPs

p3do/MAP

pro-ana or pro-ED blog

radfem, believe men can't experience SV, homophobic, transphobic (esp towards trans women), ableist/saneist, victim blamer, or just trying to spread unnecessary hate

blog solely dedicated to cnc (and specifically use the word rape throughout your posts in a sexual manner) or sexual age play

anti-recovery

"cluster b abuse" blog (ex. narcissistic abuse)

"empath" blog

call urself an empath & preach that everyone with cluster b disorders are horrible, abusive ppl

use my posts for "aesthetic" reasons (yandere)

r trying to send me peen pics, explicit messages, etc

^these are for personal reasons, such as my own triggers & opinions. this is my safe space and i want to ensure that it remains that way. please be respectful.

if u wanna be mutuals just send me a message, ask, or reblog one of my posts stating it & i'll follow after checking out ur blog!

**my original posts are tagged my post (working on it) & my personal/unrelated/reblogged with captions are tagged d00m thoughts (with zeros)

..incase that's useful for u 

um anyways

i love u, ur so sexy, all my followers r bimbos/himbos/thembos & i love them so much

[maximuswolf]

Entity encounter: Satan or Eblis? Was i being lied to or tested for initiation? via /r/satanism

Entity encounter: Satan or Eblis? Was i being lied to or tested for initiation?

I was wondering if spirits lie to test you as an initiation or something. I will try to make this short so i’ll leave out some details even though might be important but I need help and want more people to read. Ik this is long but BEFORE YOU SKIP KNOW THAT I NEED YOU SO JUST SKIM THRU.

One day I was sitting on my laptop without any background in magick other than the youtube channel mind and magick and LoA. At that time i was at my lowest point in life and have released myself from religious beliefs being very disappointed kn how it repressed my emotions about sex etc... suddenly every hair on my body stands up from fear the room turn red (i dont remember if it was my minds eye or actually turned red) and on my left an entity made itself known as the devil. At that time i didnt know that satan, eblis and lucifer are different. So it just telepathically identified itself as the “devil”. Paralyzed from fear I couldn’t face it to see it. I knew back then from what my family told me that we have been cursed with black magick as we found sigils and voodoo bag things stuffed in our couch at home. Arabic djinn magick. But I didnt remember that during this. I was having a belief crisis because of religion and the abusive ways my parents raised me and i fought very heavily with them on the phone with pure rage and anger. The entity spoke telepathically not with words but with just “knowing”, you just know what it says without hearing words. It showed me being surrounded by women and drugs of my choice not sure tho about the next part—> being in a gang or a secret society also being a rapper. Which were things aside from being a gang member were all things i believed would make me really happy and didnt want much from life other than that. I asked...”you want my soul for that?” The entity said “No i want you to abandon your family and never speak to them again because they are Narcisists who just want you dependent/weak/fucked in general.” (Which is untrue but due to long isolation and negative thinking researching psychology: Trauma, personality disorders, repression etc... he framed it in a way which it all seemed true and clicked). I was going to take the offer 99.9% due to the shitty state i was in. I was even ready to sell my soul if it was the case just for some relief. He said “ God has always hated you, he wants you mentally ill, he made you date borderline women to crush your heart, he wrote down your life script from start to finish with nothing more than agony.” I suffered from depression like legit depression since i was a kid for no reason. “This depression god gave you will never go away. I can change all that and if you dont take my offer you will stay fucked for the rest of your life because you cant make it on your own”....Now I am a Leo sun sign, Rising and ascendant so pride and ego are my middle name. With my hands paralyzed with fear i managed to raise my left hand giving him the finger! I said “Can’t do it on my own? Watch me! Fuck you!” He said “you couldve just refused the offer but because you insulted my majesty watch whats going to happen to you.”

My best friend for 9 years who was my girl friend for a while said she went into a weird psychological state and married someone she knows only for 3 months while we were together. She was madly inlove with him then after the ceremony she realized she wasnt and that he doesnt either. I went into psychosis twice hospitalized.

Now the doctors call it psychosis but it was exactly what people called kundalini awakening as it was euphoric and I felt divine and saw that seperation was an illusion and I was getting downloads and when i went to take a walk And looked around and saw ads and technology I was like... this is the devil’s work. We are being hijacked psychologically to be a battery to the system we call society and goverment.... now spirits could talk to me through giving me thoughts but they were in my own voice. I didnt know that this is how it worked so djinn deceived me and fucked the whole experience up getting me arrested and put in the hospital for trespassing into a mall thinking i’ll meet my creator in an elevator like the song lyrics i was listening to said to me taking it as a “sign” to go into the building and that someone was waiting for me there... enlightenment or paychosis there were definitely some delusions. I also believed 100% this is a computer simulation that was created so that god(me) can be channeled through the technology spiritually and experience being a human. Anyways 2 years later i’m deep into magick but not much of practicing until recently because i want to break the curse mostly but i realized from reading that all the information i received in my so called psychosis were all in occult books and things secret societies have kept secret. During my paychosis i was guided by angels and lucifer the whole time. It took me time to trust lucifer because i thought that lucifer is the devil and shouldnt be trusted. He never lies tho. He even felt bad for me because i was in the hospital against my will. So hes like... want some fresh air? Im like please. He said let me possess you. I was like fuck it. And he was just manipulating reality and ppls actions im ways i was able to go through 2 security doors and eacape the hospital at 11:00 pm when all the doors were completely locked! So i believe its not mental illness and it was scary yes. Fucked up my life for years yes. But i feel that shit wasnt punishment... it was the best gift I ever received. Now i enter altered states easily. I read tarot like im the fucking god oracle. I do magick that works. I became a god.

Submitted November 02, 2020 at 09:51AM by HavokMage via reddit https://ift.tt/2HSO1E6

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Thank you both on your answers for the social exhaustion one. I am already neurodivergent (3 anxiety disorders) but none of my other friends with similar mental health issues seem to experience it so I was very confused. I usually CAN feel it build up, but sometimes I can’t and that’s when it rlly sucks. My time limit is eh... last time I timed it... 1 hour and 30 minutes?? Then I shut down and everything is just bad. I both do it in situations where things go OVERTIME (more often)

(social shutdown anon) and also just randomly in public. Wait a second, this got lengthy again, and I have just in the middle of writing this forgotten exactly what I was going to say, but really— thank you. I was a bit afraid I was the only one who reacted so severally with everything suddenly becoming too much, and everything starting to get bad. It’s rlly nice now that I know other people experience it. Thank you!!

Anonymous said:

(Social exhaustion anon here) I JUST REMEMBERED WHAT I WANTED TO ASK haha sorry... I have extremely bad memory but I also wanted to ask if you had any advice for when things go overtime and I’m forced back into that state again.... It’s hard to mask, and I never know what to do. I don’t know if I should tell the person I’m with or...? This happens very often and it’s very tiring and I feel really bad for the ppl with me. Anyway, thanks again!

Since things are a bit hectic at the Petting Zoo these days, I have taken it upon myself to answer your ask, even though I had promised it to other people.

I’m so glad our answers managed to provide you some relief, it’s deff always nice to know you’re not alone in an experience! 

If I were you, I wouldn’t try to mask it, and I would tell the person I’m with. Basically something like “Sorry, I’m a little socially exhausted, it’s nothing person, it just happens time to time. Would u mind if I took a little walk/listened to music on my headphones/etc for a bit?”....... I know Bear is well-known for their 30-min toilet breaks, because they try to recharge social energy in there.

Try not to feel bad for the people you’re with; it’s always ok to take a break when you need it, or want it. Overexerting yourself won’t make anyone happy!

Cat

[noussommeslessquelettes]

Tips on writing a character who’s ADHD

Courtesy of yours truly, an actual person with ADHD (who’s just slightly sick of bad ADHD characterisations)

We don’t ramble randomly, we infodump. I see a lot of writers writing ADHD characters as speaking these enormous, unbroken paragraphs on essentially whatever topic happens to be current, which isn’t how ADHD works. We might be long-winded at times (though really, not any more than non-ADHDers are,) but when it comes to those signature rambles, it’s about a topic we’ve hyperfixated on. Often, these topics seem random to NTs, but for us it’s very specific and topical. Often times, I’ll have only a handful of functioning hyperfixations at a time, and it’s usually something you can put under a specific header (cold war history/biology/etc., a particular band/genre, a specific show, and so forth.) My advice? Get a sense of your character’s hyperfixations before you write it in; Rick Riordan does a fantastic, albeit slightly heavy-handed, job of doing this with Leo Valdez in Heroes of Olympus. (another VERY IMPORTANT tip: just don’t write big unbroken paragraphs of rambling if you’re expecting me to actually read that shit. As an ADHDer it’s like physically painful for me to try and sift through that lmao)

We experience a wide range of emotions, and we experience them very strongly (AKA we’re not just balls of hyperactivity and joy.) Intense emotions are a hallmark of ADHD, which is why a lot of the time we seem super happy and energetic all the time to non-ADHDers. It’s a L O T more socially acceptable for us to express the intense happiness we feel, not so much the other emotions we feel just as intensely. Particularly for impulsive-type ADHDers, the main emotions we struggle to regulate are excitability, irritability, frustration, and dysphoria, all of which are emotions we’re taught from a very young age to be ashamed of and hide (which happens, in my experience, like this: you exhibit the strong emotion, you act in a way that is seen as unreasonably intense to non-ADHDers, and rather than learn to cope with the intensity of the emotion we’re taught to turn it inwards.) When we experience these intense negative emotions, we internalise it like we’re taught to, and our emotions appear more subdued to the people around us, though we still experience them intensely. We’ll typically close off and downplay our state if pressed, but in my experience we open up to people who we know to be ADHD/ND. That being said, we’re not always able to internalise it–especially (honestly, almost exclusively) when stressors pile up/when we’ve dealt with it for so long–and that’s when we explode. Because we experience emotion a lot more intensely than non-ADHDers, we almost always cry when this happens. I’m talkin’ ugly cry people. I’ve got hella information on the subtleties of a good ol’ fashioned ADHD-brand meltdown, which would make this post even longer than it’s already doomed to be, so if you’re interested in some tips on that feel free to shoot me an ask!

Our thought process is not random; we have highly-associative brains. Please. For the love of GOD. Stop fucking characterising us along that “OOH SQUIRREL” line of bullshit. I’ll come directly to your house and curse your shins to bump against every coffee table you encounter. Don’t fucking test me. Our thought process is highly-associative, which essentially means our brain makes more connexions between memories and thoughts when they’re being solidified, which results in memories triggering thoughts that wouldn’t occur to non-ADHDers. These links might seem tenuous when you don’t have a highly-associative brain, but they’re there, and they’re fairly evident on the part of the person with ADHD. And as a writer nota bene, don’t retroactively make these associations–in other words, don’t try to justify the link after it’s made just because a subject change is plot convenient for you. Try your best to make these transitions organic if you’re gonna include them. A good example of this is Jake Peralta in Brooklyn Nine Nine: he makes pretty sizeable leaps in topic, but the transitions always make sense.

ADHD is highly comorbid with other neurodivergencies. I’ve not met a single person with ADHD who is *only* ADHD; I personally have almost ten other neurodivergencies I’ve been diagnosed with. The most common comorbidities are: anxiety/depression (every ADHDer I know has at least one if not both of them,) autism spectrum disorder, and dyslexia. ADHD is a developmental disorder, which means our brains are fundamentally structurally different from NT brains, and this lends itself to the presence and development of other conditions. Don’t be afraid of including those other conditions/symptoms in your character’s story for realism! That being said, for the most of us, our ADHD is the most prominent condition we have, so we identify with it the most. The way we often see it, ADHD is the *main* condition, and the others feel like tag-alongs (this isn’t always the case and it isn’t always true, but that’s how we tend to interpret it.)

Our symptoms get worse when we get tired or stressed, but especially tired. When we’re stressed but reasonably rested/fed, we typically have the mental faculties to perform pseudo-neurotypically (we do decently well with controlling our symptoms,) though they might become slightly more pronounced. Lack of sleep/mental rest amplifies our symptoms and inhibits our ability to control them, most noticeably in our working memory (remembering/following instructions, immediate task completion, concentration, etc.) Just as NT/non-ADHDers become scatter-brained as they get increasingly stressed, so do ADHDers. The two main differences are that 1) it’s more pronounced and has a lower threshold, and 2) we (conveniently for you!) have a set list of symptoms that are going to react predictably to this.

We are very aware of our symptoms, thank you very much. While there will be times where my symptoms slip out and I’m not paying attention to them, nine times out of ten I’m very painfully aware of how non-NT I’m acting. When I simply can’t slow down my speech for the life of me, when I feel myself rambling about a hyperfixation, when I get stressed over something little and have an emotional outburst, I know. A lot of authors miss this, but ADHDers are very early made aware of why we’re perceived as different, and often times that’s done so at the expense of our self-esteem. Our ADHD doesn’t exist in a vacuum in our minds, and we’re very often self-conscious about how we’re socially read because of it. If you’re trying to get into the mind of a character with ADHD, that’s an important dimension to keep in mind. The self-consciousness factor is usually diminished when we’re around ppl who know that we’re ADHD, but when they show up around people we haven’t told we’re ADHD, we’re not usually quite so keen to share it. While this probably isn’t the same for all people with ADHD, it’s been my experience at the very least.

Anyhow this has been sitting in my drafts for God knows how long, so I’ll just release it into the wild. ADHDers, if you have any other tips, or want to share your experience, please feel free to add on!

[forgxtemall]

@illunaris​ has sent: 38, 3, 5 @obliviouskind​ has sent: -13, 16, 21 and 35?- @victorydestined​ has sent: #6, 14, 22 (to be honest meme) @waveraging​ has sent: 1, 3, 8 — be honest meme!

the be honest meme.   [NO LONGER ACCEPTING!]

Everything is under read more!

1. What would prevent you from following someone?

// Here’s a quick run down of things, bc I think I’ve made this quite clear in my rules:

Political stuff. Regardless of the person’s stance & views, RP isn’t the place for this - take it to a personal blog or somewhere else.

The blog is empty. There is no sample of their writing, it is nothing more than a bunch of generic aesthetic/musing/their own promo posts. This generally hints, at a blog that won’t stick for the long run.

Lack of a rules/about page. Basic stuff, that surprisingly a bunch of people don’t have. This also includes, blogs with those types of themes that leave you with “Where the fuck are the links???”. Also, no, linking your “about page” to the wiki doesn’t count as an about, I want to know your muse, not the character I already know.

Anyone under 18. I am not comfortable with interacting/talking to anyone below the legal age. I touch on a wide variety of topics, most of which, aren’t suitable for anyone underage.

Assosciation with people who I’d rather avoid. This used to be bigger in the past, when filtering on mobile & blacklist weren’t a thing, but I still find myself doing this on rare- isolated cases here & there.

The writing style/interpretation clashes with mine. This is self-explenatory. English may not be my first language, but if I can’t understand your writing- then what’s even the point?

Fandom I don’t want to assosciate/crossover with. MLP, Under.tale, League of Leg.ends, Home.stuck...

Fictional/other kin.s. Self-explenatory, I don’t wish to waste my time with ppl who can’t distinguish reality from fiction. & I’ve had a bunch of bad experiences with those in the past.

3. What current rp trend do you hate?

// Those IC-blogs. Just... No. Nope, nopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Stop this please.........

5. Do you prefer interacting with male muses or female more? Why?

// TBH the muse’s gender isn’t something I pay attention to, unless I’m looking to ship with mine.

My focus is on the character/muse as a whole.

6. Do you prefer writing male muses or female more? Why?

// Imma say it: Kahili is the very first young woman, I picked to rp as in a long time.

I prefer writing male muses, because I’ve had some god awful experiences in the past that have put me off from rping as females for the longest time. I’ve had my own fair share of bad experiences, while rping as men- but they never came anywhere near to what I had to endure as a woman.

From complete creepers (both coming from male muses & females alike), to having f/f forced onto me when I didn’t want it & so on. I was just generally having a far better time with guys, than with girls.

8. Name any three things about the rpc that bother you.

Policing people’s blogs contents (self-explenatory);

People making their muse POC/Trans/LGBTQ+/have a mental disorder just to avoid criticism (self-explenatory);

People’s entitlement for RPing (nobody owes you an interaction/plot/etc. Srsly cut this nasty attitude out)

13. Have you ever thought about leaving rp? What caused it? What changed your mind?

// There was a time I was, way more invested & interested in my discor.d rps than the ones on tumblr. So, for a moment I thought of going exclusive Dis.cord.

It all changed, when I managed to find a balance to them... For the most part- but still.

14. Do you think rp has had a positive or negative affect on your life or you as a person?

// It was through RP I got to finally share, my opinions & views on the series I absolutely love. Not only that, but I came across people who were genuinely interested on them. In a way, I was able to finally join the fandom through RPing. So I’d say, on this aspect- yes it definetely had a positive effect on me <3

16. If you could change one thing about rp on tumblr, what would it be? Why?

// As much fun I have wih making these graphics & icons, I can’t help but feel like nowadays RP has lost its focus from someone’s Rping/writing skills.

if tumblr screwed up and Thanos snapped the possibility of putting graphics/icons/etc, it would do wonders for the RPC.

The photoshop skills competition would stop right there. Also, it would be wonderful for artists, bc of ppl using fan arts for their edits without any credit/permission for their work.

21. Have you ever followed someone because you felt like you had to, not because you wanted to?

// Y  E S. It was the worst, it felt like I was being held at gunpoint........... Not fun at all, bc- our muses just didn’t have any real way to interact with each other in the first place.

22. What would make you block someone?

// Besides what I’ve stated above- at the start of this post?

Well, if the person rubs me in the wrong way, I’ll block them. Like... The person may not even have done anything to me, but I just don’t feel comfortable having them unblocked/following/interacting with my blog.

So I block them, just to avoid any possible awkward situation.

35. Do you read other people’s threads or do you only read your own?

// I wished I had the time to read MORE from the dash TBH. I do read some threads here & there from time to time! And I’ve read some great stuff from my mutuals!

38. What advice would you give to someone new to rp?

// Focus on your portrayal! Work on it! Develop your muse!

People will eventually find their way to you, just take your time & don’t be afraid to draw your limits/lines. Go do your thing & have your fun man!

[ironghoul]

(hey yall)

(So its been a while and im v sorry ive been away so long!!!! ;; my mental health has crashed and gotten really, really bad over the past few months (my bipolar disorder+manic depression in specific) and its been very hard for me to function on a daily basis, and unfortunately the act of writing things, from general messages to RP posts to fic to ecen this post, has become very VERY hard for me bc of the brainfog I endure from my bipolar 2. My ghost muse in general has also kind of gone to sleep in a sense LMAO and i cant be 100% certain as to why it did, though i have some p clear ideas on what at least contributed (from the state of this fanbase being, to put it bluntly, complete Scheiße and also i got super into the Suspiria remake anskdkdshusjdj). Im making this post today bc a) i honestly really miss this blog a lot and b) i wanna get back into rping again...really bad. Im just not really sure of what my brain is gonna do next and how capable of keeping up w replies im gonna be bc of that ;; so I dont wanna rush into smthn I cant dedicate to again yet nor like.....push myself back into RPing if im not ready yknow???

I have however had a couple thoughts abt Irons character recently, and esp after having so much time away from her, ive begun to realize that I might want to change quite a few big things about her???? After thinking abt it some ive come to realize that im not really sure that like....i want to keep her so much how she is now, which is still very coherent and humanlike with a few inhuman traits here and there, so just super fucking depressed and angry and grieving all of the time, etc. For one, I honestly had more of the intention when I first made Iron to make her wayyyy more feral than I have been depicting her in my RPs, and as well, idk if its just a moodswing or something or other but I have found myself growing very weary of iron's horrible neuroses and constant sadness; maybe ive just been through too much recently or its my mental health but Im so sick of having this character just be literally so horribly fucked up and tragic and sad all the time yknow??? Like im just...im weary lmao i dont seem to have the perserverance anymore to have that be her set character bc like its starting to hurt me too at this point and im sick of it, and so what Ive been thinking about in specific is that I think I would like to make some kind of marginal changes to her character. I always ended up forgetting to make iron more feral and animalistic most of the time bc i myself am a...human LMAO and so thats the only life experience i know, obviously, and I think i was so afraid when I first made her to make her meaner or more monstrous bc she might not have really "fit in" well with everyone elses OCs and also I was afraid ppl just wouldn't wanna interact w her if she was Too Mean ahsjdnbdhdhsk but now at this point i think im ready to say fuck that to all of that bc Ive definitely learned now that yall will really interact w just about any character with any personality type or behavior or whatnot, and also, i think it would not only make iron more interesting but more fun for me to write if she was more of a....you know...Awful Gremlin LMFAO and life is short, OCs and RPing were made for fun too and i dont have Time to worry abt that stuff and end up having to sacrifice half of my preferred vision for this character in the process. So basically i think she would definitely still be pretty sad abt Papa 3 but she abolutely wouldnt be constantly haunted and tortured by it anymore, and I also think I want to remove that whole little tidbit abt her always being kind of violent post-ghoulification, even before 3 died. She would also act a lot less human on a regular basis, like i would have her still being perfectly capable of walking upright, talking, being neat and having critical/articulate thinking skills & emotions etc, however there would be a new quality to her of her primarily being, well, again: feral. Not speaking much, probably running around barefoot quite often and sometimes crawling/moving around on all fours, having that sort of primal timidness with whatever new things she experiences, putting things in her mouth off the ground that shouldnt be there, etc you know how it is. She would basically be like fucking Spongegar (Irongar if u will) most of the time LMAO but again she would still be perfectly capable of acting more "humanlike", and staying in line with that Iron Brand Personality(tm) she would absolutely pick and choose who she would decide to act more 'composed' around VS who she wouldnt and would also definitely purposefully act way More feral than she rly is around (to spite some of them im sure). She would probably be more prone to (gasp) Actually Smiling and being happy on a reg basis too, not just being this dark cloud of an awkward troubled depressing fuck tbh. Which fits in more with how im thinking I want to portray her now.

So thats all that, sorry this went on so long and i cant put it under a readmore bc im currently on mobile ahsjdjdjdndjd but like i hope i said what i needed to say well enough. I also wanna know yalls (esp my mutual RP partners!) Thoughts and Onions on the changes I might make to Irons character!!! Ty all, ily 💙💙💙)

[prettypei]

✰ REQUEST RULES

this is an sfw blog! Do not request nsfw or dark content works please

I also won’t write for suicidal thoughts or eating disorders or mental disorders. I myself do not have experience with the topic, and I do feel uncomfortable writing them. I don't condone harassment over consumption of fictional media. However I can write body positivity fluff :) and also no self-harm, incest, abuse or noncon. Please also not request nicotine or drugs! I will not write for nicotine unless it is canon in the character ex. Shoko, aki… etc I see a lot of ppl saying that geto smokes/gets high but I’m not really comfortable with writing that request!

you can request anyone in the JJK or GENSHIN fandom. I don’t play genshin a lot nowadays so I will mostly write for mondstadt characters to sumeru, no Fontaine (yet)

characters I will not be writing for: diona, naoya, principal yaga, mahito, sukuna (I either don’t like writing them or I just don’t understand their character enough, sorry)

for LGBTQ! I will write for wlw,and mainly that. I don’t feel comfortable writing mlm because again, I don’t have much experience. You can request stuff other than mlm like neopronouns….etc etc

how to request: use the ask box (no dms!), request the characters you want (maximum up to 5 characters), specify if you want a headcannon (bulleted, short-worded) or drabble (short paragraph) or one-shot (one character, short story), state what reader you want! (I can’t really write for m! Reader so fem! Or gn!, if you don’t specify I will write it as gn! Reader) and submit!

also remember I am still a student, I do not have a lot of free time! I will get to your request eventually, promise.

✰ INBOX RULES

please don’t spam chats! don’t go crazy and send twenty asks a day, one is enough.

don’t vent please! Even if we are mutuals I don’t want venting here on my blog, please respect that! if you want to vent, speak to a loved one or family member that cares about you with their consent!

ask if you wanna be moots! don't feel shy, and you can become an anon too just by asking! again, no dms.

ask away! Personal asks about my life are a-okay too 🙏 just not too personal like “what school do you go to” yk

I respond to all asks! (If I’m uncomfortable with it I’ll just answer it privately, most of the asks will be posted publicly unless you state otherwise!) If you don’t think I received it, send it again! Tumblr is glitchy sometimes I have this problem with my moots a LOT lmao

[riviae]

just venting abt my own indecisiveness lmao: 

i’m so stressed rt now :/ 

i’m graduating which is great, but i honestly don’t know what to do next. i’ve got a few viable options but i’m frozen at the crossroads of my education out of sheer indecisiveness. what’s the right choice?? is there such a thing as a ‘right’ choice?? should i fight for the hardest path or should i take the easier path, the one with the least remaining schooling? if i make a standard cost-benefit analysis then of course the easiest option is the best--but it feels like i’m giving up on my original dream. 

option 1: med school. that’s what all this work’s been abt--there needs to be doctors that are knowledgeable & supportive of lgbt+, neurodivergent, and disabled ppl as well as poc & understand how these identities intersect/overlap. the state of biomedical ethics is absolutely awful right now--it’s not a required course/topic in the majority of medical schools & so doctors are never really challenged to think past their inherent biases or how they should treat their patients or how knowing a patient’s background can aid in the patient-doctor relationship. patients aren’t a commodity, yet i can count on 1 hand the amt of doctors who know the 4 established virtues of medical ethics or can even explain them: beneficence (you must do what is best/good for the patient), maleficence (”do no harm”), justice (i.e., appropriate rationing of health care, services, supplies, & actively keeping historically-targeted groups of medical malpractice from harm), & autonomy (arguably the most important imo--the patient has their own autonomy & a doctor can /never/ take that away/do things against the patient’s will, which, by definition, makes mental health institutions unethical but i digress).

rt now i’m interested in working as either a neurologist, psychiatrist, pathologist, or specializing specifically in rural medicine (i.e., underserved populations/small towns), but can i really devote the next 8 yrs of my life to an occupation wrought w/ sky-high suicide rates, 36 hr shifts, & all the emotional trauma that comes w/ a field so intertwined w/ death?? idk if i’m strong enough for the demands. i don’t have any interest in money or prestige (i’d prefer to have no attention at all honestly), but i just wanna use my love of science to do some good, no matter how small. 

option 2: PhD in neuro. makes logical sense since i’m getting my MSc in a month & also neuro is my fave science of any subfield. i could do a lot of good w/ my research interests (that being of neurodivergent populations--seeing as i have adhd myself). understanding the neurological mechanism(s) behind neurodevelopmental disorders, for instance, can help in reducing harmful symptoms of certain disorders ((note: i do not mean wanting to ‘cure’ autism or anything that obtuse. more like providing pharmacological or genetic-based approaches to therapies. so for instance, i’m a big supporter of the cortical excitability hypothesis of autism which basically states that difficulties in sensory processing, insofar as being especially attentive to stimuli i.e., hypersensitivity/hyposensitivity is concerned, is due to the cortex’s inability to mitigate excitatory signals. so an ASD individual will experience sound or touch/texture aversion bc their brains are truly experiencing the sensory inputs at an incredibly high or low signal, as if their brain is a radio stuck continuously at a volume of either 100 or zero. it’s also why ASD & epilepsy are so often found to be comorbid--hypersensitivity to stimuli is more common & cortical excitability/excess firing of neurons outside of phase synchrony can explain the mechanics behind epilepsy too. oh, & this could also explain adhd symptoms since adhd and autism have considerable overlap both in symptoms as well as brain structure pathology). long story short, academia is great for me bc i love teaching, learning, and putting my brain to use (studying other brains). it’s a good fit & i’d be happy......... but i still have my own hesitations bc academia, esp science, is historically a field wrought w/ misogyny, racism, classism, u name it. it’s a mess™ 

option 3: pathologists’ assistant. the easy road. i could matriculate in jan (assuming i’d be accepted) & complete the degree in 2 yrs. i’d be able to teach, do clinical stuff (tissue sample analysis, post mortem autopsies, etc.), all w/o having to do all the paperwork, patient-juggling, & long hours that doctors do. i could specialize in pediatric pathology (by applying for a job at a children’s hospital) and really feel like i’m doing good work, helping to make accurate diagnoses of samples & leave it to the docs to tailor their treatment to my diagnosis. i love puzzles/solving things. this would give me a lot to do & it’d be good, honest work. it’d be behind-the-scenes so i wouldn’t need to overextend my naturally shy personality too much either. & the starting salaries are a real nice bonus (insofar as paying off my current student loans are concerned). but idk if i’m as passionate abt tissue sampling as i am abt the brain. i don’t wanna settle for a job simply bc it’s arguably easier than my other academic pursuits and makes good money or is ‘safe.’ ughhh can someone make the decision for me lol? 

& all this doesn’t even touch upon my own inferiority complex/inability to recognize my achievements as actual achievements. like sometimes i wonder if i’m even smart or capable of reaching any of my academic goals :/ as they say, u are always gonna be ur biggest critic. 2019 was supposed to be the yr i learned to love myself (or at least my brain), but i fell off at some point & i’m struggling to see my self worth as more than what i ascribe by default to myself & others (since all humans have intrinsic value no matter what imo).