#please come talk to me about the worst women in the world i love them so

[saskiavalentineapologist]

sketch time

you will sit down. you will look at my horrible little women. And You Will Appreciate Them

no this is NOT going under a cut you will see the blood sweat and tears i put into belialah's demon form and you will appreciate it, me, and saskia's off the charts world class monsterfucker status

we got saskia. we're familiar with saskia--or at least you should be. go look at the art by korppipoika and give them so many notes--this post will wait. and while you're out, look at the post about the matriarchs too. and if you're not up to date on saskia and belialah, here's another one for your list. i'll be here when you get back.

up to date? excited? horny? me too!!

so we got those two. in order for the images: saskia (recent), belialah (first draft, still happy with this and haven't been able to capture this vision since)

we got their dynamic:

saskia being a bitch and belialah being, despite everything, head over heels. still can't quite nail belialah's human face, but we're learning

...it took me a long time to nail down belialah's demon form. it went through a lot of drafts---many of which i am not sharing. this one is the oldest one i'm willing to share:

i believe this is draft 3? patch notes from earlier drafts: 4 fingers instead of three, took out "humanoid" eyes, added floaty halo bits. other than that, this is what it's mostly stayed true to. chase gave me an inspo and i remixed it and made it worse because i love body horror. so we have this! extra joint between the wrist and elbow, loads and loads of eyes, sharp teeth (yum!), wings, and a broken halo plus the big horn. love her. she has spider legs below her waist--she has "skirts" that are made from her skin that she usually wears (has?) over them.

made some eensy sketches for ideas:

i tinkered on size, proportion, posture, etc. it's vague, but not exact for either of them. i want a bigger height difference and this is for me first and foremost

i settled on this body type for saskia:

no nipples so she's not naked :) this is for anatomy reference, tumblr. ANATOMY. be so nice to me ;-;

ignore the stuff at the edges, this is part of a larger project idk if i'll finish where i look at all the matriarchs and their body types. saskia is the most...well, besides ethalind, the most hourglass shape. this is the most recent drawing of her i have besides the one at the very end, this is the one i would say is most canon. hence why it is included--the last one i have doesn't quite hit right for me. still working on consistency.

as i improved my art, i wanted to take another stab at belialah. which meant figuring out her lower half.

i did these ones reeaaally recently. i looked at so many things for inspo: crabs, spiders, human pelvises, centaur speculative biology, drider speculative biology, an introspective look at how much of a monsterfucker i am, etc. until i found something i was happy with. these are within the last few days. the lil sketches at the far bottom right of the first page are what i settled on. after that, i tinkered with how she looks with skirts vs no skirts---ignore the sword, it's no longer accurate to what it actually looks like, but that's endgame shit and no spoilers :)

i'm really happy with how she's turned out and i think she's kickass and awesome and i can't wait to beat her and saskia into the ground.

and then we have:

team gaslight gatekeep girlboss :)

i drew this last night!! really happy with how my art is coming along. i hesitated on whether to draw the skirts, because i think the spider legs are so fucking cool and i know logically the skirts are there but tbh its funner drawing the spider legs than the skirts :(

i want to make it very clear: belialah is submissive in the way a guard dog is submissive, to quote a post i once tagged as gilt and lost. belialah is loyal, devoted, willing to protect--but will wait for an order before acting

btw, to make something else clear: saskia? saw the demon form first. is more attracted to the demon form than the human form. is far more willing to smash with belialah in demon form. i love my weirdest little freak of a woman <3

ok that's all bye

[nerdvi]

In the wake of the whole james somerton fiasco and inspired by this post, I wanted to share a few of my um, soft signs, like, orange flags to detect when someone is bullshitting you.

First of all, I am on the spectrum which means 1) I tend to take what people say at face value and 2) I have a strong sense of justice which makes me prone to biases, all of which combined means I am at perpetual risk of swallowing the bullshit.

So, what to do about it? You turn on the critical thinking and pay attention.

As one of my favorite youtubers, Hannah Alonzo, likes to say: "consider the source, remember the motive". Who is talking to you?? What do you know about them?? What biases might they have?? How do they interact with your own biases?? Where are they talking from?? Is it anger?? happinness? boredom?? Also, why are they talking to you? Are they trying to sell you something?? Are they trying to convince you and why?? How do they go about the finantial motivation, if present? If you have, in this case, a white cis gay man talking to you as it he has it the worst of the worst in the world, there's probably some exaggeration and you should start to wonder. There's a good chance he's bullshitting you.

How they talk about women and POC No, no, stay with me. There's a rule I had back when I was dating men: Always beware of how they treat their mother. With the exception of extremes like mama's boys and cases of abuse, how a man treats the woman with whom they have that familial bond is a good indicator of how they are going to treat you. Do they berate her? speak ill of her? are aggressive or controlling? do they dismiss her opinions? Same with creators, and by god I tell you, specially cis male creators, queer or otherwise, always always beware of how they speak of women, how they treat women, how they treat POC. Somerton had a weird vendetta against straight women. It went mostly unnoticed. Then, he was dismissive towards lesbians and other queer women and it was once again overlooked. Then he went ahead and made sinophobic content about genres and cultures he knows NOTHING about. Again, it went unchecked. What I am telling you is IT'S NOT NORMAL. Contempt about women and non white-western cultures is not normal and if someone has them as them as an enemy or a scapegoat, they're probably bullshitting you. Take what they say and fact check it, see for yourself.

If at any point in a video or an essay you find yourself thinking "wait, really??" then it's time to fact check. Is it a bit suspicious?? is your logic telling you that's not quite how this works?? Then take to google, my friend, they might be bullshitting you. At worst, you dodge a fake fact, at best, you learn way too much about a topic you were already interested in.

Beware of the lack of nuance. I can not stress this enough. We all love monochrome, but life and societal issues are never black and white. It's just impossible, there's too many factors to consider. If you are being presented situations or anecdotes as absolute truths, you're probably being bullshitted. If it's too good to be true, it is. If it sounds waaay too convenient, it probably is. A good researcher, a serious investigator, will always have some nuance because they have done the work and checked the sources. If someone provides you 1) no nuance and 2) no sources, THEY'RE BULLSHITTING YOU.

These are the ones I can come up with just of the top of my head, I'm sure there's more and please, add them. Remember that naivité isn't a crime, I'm fairly naive and that's made me distrustful, and these are some of the techniques I've found that help me navigate through a world of information without losing myself.

[silken-moonlight]

okay, here me out :

a seductive vampire women, who likes to get men to “hook up” at her place, pretend she’s gonna give a blowjob but actually bite and feed off of his dick (bonus points if she kills them from blood loss, maybe collecting some for later)

do either of you this what you will (though, idea would be she meets a female reader who she actually falls in love with and tries to get in a real relationship with)

I love this. My mind is wild about this. Lets get into it:

Female Vampire Seductress x female human reader

Warning: Mention of violence, sexual assault and murder. Abusive language

Don't like, don't read. Mdni as usual.

Lethia was a huntress. She loved the chase, the rip, and the thrill of a kill. It was in her nature, in her genes, since she was a vampire. Turned around 110 years ago, in her mid-twenties, she had always been the life of every party she attended. She was popular in vampire circles and clubs, with friends all over the world and constantly changing partners of any species. Lovers for a night, strangers in the morn.

Lethia had a special way to feed and hunt...Walking into clubs, catching the attention of a man who had ill intentions for her. Sometimes they put something in her drink, sometimes they made her drunk and carried her out of the club. Since humans were unaware of the existence of vampires, it was easy. Like this, Lethia got to kill someone who was human scum and saved some other girls by doing that. Sometimes she chased them when she bared her teeth, sometimes she just attacked them and drained the men, sometimes she felt mean and bit their dick off, spitting it infront of them and letting them bleed out when she didn't feel like drinking their blood. All of them begged to be merciful, yet none of them were merciful when the situation had been switched.

She has made a Sport out of it, using the Internet and nasty Forums to find the worst men in her city. Currently she was hunting a man named Dave Cornwell. The self proclaimed 'Bitch Rider'. Filming and assaulting the girls, then sharing it with his followers. Tonight, he would be her victim. A grin adorned her face as she found him in the dark club. Currently he was trying to flirt with a girl who looked absolutly uncomfortable to be here and talked to. She slumped over, falling into his arms.

"Sorry..." she slurred, walking quickly away. The man, Dave, followed her. "Hey, babydoll, do you want a free cocktail?" Lethia turned with a big grin. "Yes! Something sweet like me, please." He laughed and slung an arm around her, bringing her to the bar. The bartender mixed them two cocktails. Lethia tried not to scrunch her nose at the disgusting smell of sweat and alcohol coming off him. "Such a pretty thing, are you all alone?" He asked her, his gaze dark and lustful. "Yep, friends left me." Lethia lied, takimg the drink. There was already a drug in it, the barkeeper was in on it. Such things didn't work on Vampires. So she drank it in one go and they went to dance.

After a moment she pretended to become drugged and he carried her out. He carried her into a dark alley and thre her onto the ground:"Such a bitch. Getting caught by the bitch rider." He said and grabber her hair with one hand, unbuckling his belt with the other. Lethia was about to attack him, but a voice disturbed them.

"Hey asshole!" You screamed, walking over, looking so scared vut putting a brave face on. "Take you hands off her! Now!" You yelled, you hands on something little and pink. Lethia saw that it was a taser.

"Two bitches tonight? I am blessed." The man said letting go of Lethia to grab you. But as soon as he was close to you, you tased him. The seemingly little taser was so strong that he fell to the ground. You tased him again so that he stayed down. You heart was running so fast, Lethi could here it from the distance.

"Are you okay?" you asked, looking Lethia up and down. Lethia decided to continue playing along, liking your attention. "No..." she said, looking up at you with her dark doe eyes. "Let's get you somewhere safe," you said and helped her stand up. Lethia clung to you, leaning her head onto your shoulder. "My savior..." she crooned as you walked with her to a car. You looked worried instead of flattered. "This is my car. We're going to sit inside, okay?" you said and put her in the passenger seat before getting in as well and locking the car.

"Can I call someone for you?" you asked while turning on the heat since her skin had been much too cold for you. "No, I'm all alone," she answered, looking at you from the side. "Okay... Then how about I drive you home?" you asked her, still trembling from the scene you had witnessed and the adrenaline from stepping in. You were so afraid your taser wouldn't work. "I would like that. I live on Forwell Street, number 23." You started the car and began to drive. "How do you feel?" you asked her softly, concerned for her. "Better... I think I'm sobering up. I'm Lethia..." she said hesitantly. It wasn't often a girl or somebody had stepped in. It was surely the first time someone was tasered in front of her eyes.

"I'm Y/N." She heard you say as she admired you from the side. You looked over at her and gave her a gentle smile. Her beautiful, curly brown hair was a mess, and the little black dress she wore left little to the imagination. "Do you want something to put over yourself? You must be freezing," you asked. Lethia nodded, hoping you would give her a hoodie of yours. You smelled so good to her; she loved your perfume. "Grab behind you. I have a hoodie there." She did that, grabbing the desired hoodie from the back row and putting it on. It smelled like you and looked so wonderful on her. Little butterflies fluttered around in her chest. You were so cute and caring.

You arrived at her home, helping her out of the car. "Can you come with me...please?" She asked and you nodded. You walked her to her apartment in the second floor. She unlocked the door, a very modern and tasteful. "Home sweet home..." She said and you giys walked inside. She slumped on the couch and you sat next to her. She leaned against you, saying softly:"I know its strange but...can you stay the night? I don't want to be alone..." She asked. You were suprised but nodded.

"Yeah no problem, I understand that you don't want to be alone." She smiled an hugged you:"Thank you for saving me..." Lethia whispered, pretending to be all sleepy. "You're tired." She nodded and leaned more against you. "YLets get you make up off the." You said and you guys ealked into the big bathroom. There was so much make up and skincare everywhere. You quickly found some make up remover and washed away her make up, she loved it. The attention was so good, so pure and honest. You cared for her hair, detangling it with a curl comb and putting oil and curl cream in it before braiding it into a loose braid. After that you took of your make up as well.

Lethia rook you into her bedroom, changing infront of you. She wanted your attention and for you to look at her body. You averted your gaze, giving her privacy. Her undead heart beat fast....you were amazing.

It only took a few more moments, she comvinced you to sleep in her bed with her, to realise she wanted to keep you. Now, that she was cuddled up so close to you and safe.

You were safe, you were good - and now she would make your hers.

[charles-eclair16]

~The 5 times Charles talked about you publicly~

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x actress!reader.

Warning- it's my first time ever writing so please be kind. English is not my first language so please ignore it if there are any mistakes.

1. The first time Charles was caught talking about you was pure accident and it wasn't even him who brought you up. It was an overly competitive Carlos who couldn't keep his mouth shut. It was during a C² challenge of who knows your teammate better and it was all going pretty much in Charles favour because the questions were too easy according to him. So when the score was 6 to 4 he was feeling pretty confident about winning but what he didn't expect was the next question to throw him off.

"Who's your current crush?" Was honestly not a difficult question to answer and Charles knew he would nail it. He totally knew who Carlos was crushing on.

"It's Y/N! He watches her interviews and giggles because she's so beautif-oww mate stop hitting me!“ Charles knew he had to make his teammate stop talking before he spilled anything more.

"Is it true?" Now this was a question Charles didn't know how to answer, should he own up that he was hopelessly crushing on her and that it was true that he watched all her interviews. But then again who could blame him she was so beautiful and he honestly loved the way she spoke, something about the way she spoke made Charles want to listen to her for hours.

"Yeah it's true. I really like her as an actress and she's very pretty but I don't giggle watching her!" He thought that was a decent answer.

"He does! He does it! He even watches fan edits of h-" Carlos was cut off by a wildly flinging hand of Charles.

" I do not!" was what Charles could come up with as he tried to stop Carlos. The next day he woke up with thousands of mentions of fans telling him that they understood...he didn't knew if he should feel embarrassed or laugh at some of the memes. He even liked a few of them.

2. The second time Charles mentioned you it was after you had soft launched each other for two months without the fans knowledge. It was nice to share secret moments with each other and bask in the privacy of home dates. It had been 7 months of dating and Charles was on the moon. His car was great, he was leading the championship with 10 points and he had a wonderful women supporting him. The only thing which bothered him was him not being able to shout his love and show you off to the world. So a mutual decision was taken between you two to not hide anymore but what you didn't expected was Charles to come running towards you as he got out of the car after coming p2 in the Silverstone Grand prix. You weren't even able to utter a word before he was kissing you. It wasn't a peck it was Charles expressing his love and gratitude for your unwavering support.

" How does winning feels now? Much sweeter than before?" Was the teasing question he got as he went to the post race interviews. He wasn't surprised. He knew he was going to get questions after a public kiss.

"Yeah, it feels great winning here with Carlos coming p1. It's a great weekend for our team" he laughed as he answered the question.

" So I'm sure you have plans to celebrate tonight. Any special plans?" He knew what the interviewer wanted to hear so he gave it to him with a smile so big he knew his dimples were all out.

" Yeah there's a plan to celebrate tonight definitely, the teams been throwing different ideas but honestly I would just prefer to spend my time with my girlfriend and have a quiet night. She came directly from her shooting so I'm sure she would want to stay in. And we can party with the team next time!"

It was safe to say that they both were trending worldwide.

3. At first Charles didn't know why he was trending and before he could check it he was asked to hurry up and get in the car. It was the worst race of the season for him. He was leading the race with pole position in France but he lost traction in his rear tyres and crashed into turn 11 which caused him the race. He was frustrated and tired. He just wanted to go back and not think about the horrible way he got out of the race. He wanted to cuddle you and forget about the day so when he was told to to attend a group media pen he was annoyed. When the question came he was speechless at first his brain shutting down from the ridiculous question.

" It's a very bad time for you Charles with the dnf and your recent breakup so how do you seperate these things from your work? Did your breakup caused you maybe to lose?" He wasn't aware of his break up.

"My what?!" Charles was shocked he didn't knew he was broken up because he was not planning to break up anywhere in the future.

"You didn't tell me you broke up?!" Perrie was genuinely confused now. If it was true wouldn't Kika tell him that? He knew the girls were close and he was sure that Charles would tell him that, wouldn't he?

"What did you do?" It was Lewis who glared at Charles and he finally got his wits to answer.

"No! We are very much together and happy! Who told you that we broke up?! Is that why I was trending Today?"

"Yes there was news that you broke up with your girlfriend and that you were heartbroken." The interviewer nervously let out a chuckle which caused the drivers to laugh

"Oh my god! No! We are together and I plan to be together for a long time so there's no need to worry about that ...I don't think I would survive without her pasta to be honest and her too." He reassured.

When he finally got the chance to check his notifications later in the night he could only laugh as he looked at the memes and the threats he got for fumbling a baddie like Y/N. He showed her some too as she layed on his chest on their bed.

4. The fourth time Charles gets asked is the first time he felt nervous talking about you ever in the entire 5 year relationship. It was because he knew he was absolute shit at lying. So when all the fellow drivers continue to tease Daniel for throwing the wedding party of the year. He remains quite and laughs at appropriate times.

" Charles you're quite there! So now that your friends are settling down with Daniel and Max getting married is it safe to assume that you're next?" Oh shit! He was sweating. He didn't know how to answer that without revealing that he had already picked a ring and was going to propose very soon. He had even taken her father's approval last month on their family trip together.

"Yes mate when are you getting married?"

"He's definitely getting married next!"

"With how whipped he is for her how do have any doubts about that!“ Charles tried to tune out the teasing remarks of his friends to formulate words to answer.

" Uh yeah, I would very much like to but we are focusing on the present at the moment but there's no doubt that I plan to marry her because honestly I can't imagine anyone else by my side when I think of my future. I want to start a family with her and get old with her. She completes me in the true sense and is my piller of strength. I don't think I have ever felt this much love for anyon-"

"And this is why we don't question Charles because then he doesn't stop!" Charles laughed at that as if Max was any better when talking about his wife.

"So yeah marriage is definitely on the cards on the future " he concluded.

And after 2 months he knew why he was trending and he couldn't be more happier. He now laughed at the mentions and yes he knew how to fight for his fiance.

5. The fifth time Charles was asked about you he was smiling ear to ear and anyone who looked at him can see that he was glowing.Others would say it was because he was starting the new season as a world champion but he knew it was because of Y/N and what she had told him the night before and later to their closed ones. So he felt quite happy answering questions.

"How are you feeling for the new season? Excited? Nervous?" the interviewer couldn't stop himself from smiling too. Charles happiness was contagious.

"It feels good to be back to the racing. The car feels good and after last year we are quite excited for this season too. We are looking forward to the races and with new tracks added to the calendar the excitement levels have increased. Yeah there's nervousness too-ah only little bit but that's totally normal...But I am quite confident! Also now I have to be a little careful because now that we are going to have new addition to the family I can't risk it! I have to-"

"New addition?" He stopped talking eyes widened and looked at the camera.

"What?" He was fucked, so fucked. She was going to kill him. He knew.

"You told new addition? Is it true? Are you going to be a father? Congratulations!" He could only nod and accept the hug he was receiving. They were supposed to announce it with a cute insta post and he had ruined it. He was the one to suggest it, he had even thought about the caption.

"Tell us more! Is she going to come to the races now? I'm sure everyone would like that?!" The interview continued

"Oh yes! Yes she wants to come to the races but I think we'll keep it a little private and only between family to enjoy this moment together. It's a new beginning with my person so I want to be there for her at every step. Its- it's definitely a blessing for us and I'm so grateful for her."

The next thing he knew he was trending along with y/n as parents and he couldn't ask for anything more.

[hwangism143]

pillow talk

synopsis: the three times in which you sleep over at seungmin's childhood home as his friend and the one time you're something more.

pairing: non-idol!seungmin x gn!reader

genre: hurt, comfort, angt

warnings: mentions of abandonment, reader is an orphan and in foster care, swearing, food

word count: 3.3k words

now playing: you make me feel - easha

requested: by the lovely @booksndpoetry

a/n: wrote this is two days no wonder it's so bad (pls dont kill me)

"the colors of your love came so suddenly"

The first time you slept over at his childhood home was accompanied with the dull throb and apprehension of yet another new beginning.

Your one solitary bag and the pillow that was your only prized possession were the only things you had with you. Your bag hung off one shoulder and the pillow was clutched to your chest.

You found yourself wondering what Seungmin's family was like. Being a pessimist, you didn't hope for the best and braced yourself for the worst. When the door opened, warm yellow light spilled through the silhouette of a middle-aged women and temporarily blinded you.

Your posture slightly relaxed. Families with an abundance of yellow lights rarely mistreated you.

Your situation was laughable really. You weren't even a full two weeks into the Jang's care, and yet the neglect had already begin.

Stop, you told yourself, at least they were willing to take your old ass in. The Jangs' were away for a business trip and informed you last minute that their flight had been cancelled. They told you to g once she locked up left.

It wasn't that you weren't grateful to the Jangs; but the years you had spent being grateful and getting nothing in return caused you to offer a cautious thanking to their actions. They were sweet to you so far, but you didn't blame them for wanting you out of the house when you were gone.

Foster kids and newly adopted kids had a history of stealing, and while you had never done the same, the feeling of paranoia was one that you were well accustomed to.

Mrs. Kim had a kind, slightly wrinkled face and a wide smile. "Hello dear. You must be Y/N. Come in, come in. Don't stand in the cold for too long."

You could instantly feel the maternal protection that radiated from Mrs. Kim, something you felt in dots and dashed from Mrs. Jang. You knew the Jangs cared, but they didn't quite know how to care. You knew that the Kims had two kids however, an older daughter in college and a boy, sixteen and your age.

Younger you would be mentally cartwheeling in happiness at the thought of being under the care of Mrs. Kim, even if it was for a night. Older you couldn't care less.

Two years until I leave the fucking system for good.

You shifted uncomfortably as you gazed around the house. Wow. It was well decorated and definitely reflected the luxury that the Kims resided in. Everything in sight was in warm and inviting shades of color that made you feel very appreciative.

Interior design had always been a point of interest for you. You realized that there was a lot you could learn about a person from the way they designed their home.

Mrs. Kim turned to look at you. "Ah, you'll be in Seungmin's sister's room. I have told him to clean it up, so you won't have to worry about that. His father is out playing golf, but he'll be home soon too."

Mrs. Kim handed you a glass of water which you accepted with a genuine smile. You were gazing at the family portraits on the wall as you sipped quietly. The entire family looked like they were surrounded by an aura of calm, unbothered by the qualms of the world.

Oh how sweet would it be, to live like that.

"Can I- can I go change upstairs please?" you asked Mrs. Kim softly.

She looked up from the chopping board, lettuce diced evenly. "Oh, of course darling. No need to ask. As long as you're here, this house is yours."

"Seungmin!" she yelled to an unknown entity who must have been on the second floor of the house.

"Coming!" yelled back Seungmin.

The sweetness of his voice took you aback. Just one word made you crave to hear more. His voice was smooth and rich like honey, washing over you. You wondered if he had an inclination towards music, singing in particular; with a voice like that, it would be a shame if he wasn't.

Footsteps pounded down the stairs and a boy with a black t-shirt and grey sweatpants appeared in front of you and Mrs. Kim. He was cute, almost puppy like, with flappy hair and defined features. Seungmin bounded over to his mother and looked at you curiously.

"Seungmin, this is Y/N. Take her upstairs, will you?" Mrs. Kim asked.

"Okay," Seungmin replied.

You extended you hand. "Hello. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Seungmin accepted with a non-judgmental, but curious expression. Mrs. Kim visibly smiled into the large pot she was currently stirring, clearly amused at your outdated usage of language. You cringed internally, mentally cursing the British family that you were with for two years from the age of five for forcing you into greeting people this way.

"It's nice to meet you to," his warm hand grasped yours and let go with a firm shake.

"Come on," said Seungmin, cocking his head towards the stairs in front of you.

You followed his slowly, taking in the houses beauty. Somehow, everything worked with everything. This must have been artistic living.

Seungmin opened his sister's bedroom door and motioned you to go in. You gave him a small smile, if it could be called that, and shut the door. When you turned around, you were met with a lot of surprise.

When Mrs. Kim mentioned that Seungmin was cleaning up the room for you, you were prepared to face a light skimming and dusting of things. In reality though, everything was meticulously arranged and kept in it's place.

Such level of neatness was slightly terrifying.

You changed and kept your things to one side. When you came out, you went downstairs with the clear intention of trying to get a read on the enigmatic Kim Seungmin.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

This was going to be a disaster.

Both you and Seungmin were quiet by nature. Albeit for different reasons, you both sat awkwardly, waiting for the other person.

Seungmin was quiet because he liked observing. He was a listener, and enjoyed hearing what others had to say rather than talking himself. He found the art of listening to be the most brilliant that there was.

You, on the other hand, were forced into being quiet to the point where you forgot what it was like to hold meaningless conversation. All your life, you had been taught that the key to a successful life in the foster system was to remain submissive and deferential.

You never even bothered to make connections with people. You had learnt the hard way that when you bounced around houses and cities, it was difficult to maintain contact with people. You had made up your mind at just the tender age of eight that making friends, hell even acquaintances, was pointless. You were just saving yourself and the other person from future heartbreak.

As a result of being alone so much, you didn't exactly know how to hold conversation with people in your age range.

"So, uh, wanna do something?" Seungmin asked.

You shrugged. "Sure."

You both sat in his basement, a bowl of popcorn in between and half drunk iced tea beside you. Seungmin was very respectful, not once brining up your living situation. He brought the drink to his lips and downed the rest (which was very little) in one go.

"Okay, um, twenty questions?" He asked.

You instantly felt discomfort rise in you. Ah, here it was. His opening to ask you intrusive questions. "I- fine," you relented.

You were ready for whatever shade he was going to throw at you. He didn't ask about your personal life apart from the usual questions (favorite color, movie, etc.) a single time. You were slowly warming up to him.

"Last question. What's something you haven't told anyone?" asked Seungmin innocently.

You snorted, "Why would I tell you that?"

Seungmin smirked, "I mean, I'm very trustworthy. Plus, it's always better to tell your secrets to a stranger rather than a person you know."

You found it strange, but conceded. It felt nice to talk to someone after so long.

"You know the pillow I brought with me, right? That's the most important thing in my life. I was found near a train station laid on top of it, covered in a blanket and a sweater. Those were taken away from me a long time ago, but the pillow was something I fought to keep."

You finished nonchalantly, suppressing a laugh at Seungmin's expression of pure shock.

"I was expecting something along the lines of breaking something fancy or something. I mean, I was going to tell you about the time I broke into my parents liquor closet but chickened out and never drank anything."

You regarded him with a guarded smile. Kim Seungmin was an enigma, but for the first time in your life, he was one which you felt an odd temptation to solve.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The second time you slept over at his childhood home was full of fear and anticipation that was directed towards your college entrance exams tomorrow.

Although the Jangs never formally adopted you, you had stayed with them for close to two years now. You formed an interesting bond with Seungmin: you weren't quite friends, but you understood each other on a deeper level.

Seungmin was easily the only person you would talk to. You both started engaging in combined study sessions, filled with silence interrupted only by a pen scratching against paper or a groan of frustration.

The night before, you needed to go to Seungmin's house to revise. Or rather, to confess.

You were pacing in his room as he lay on his bed. Seungmin was on his back, flipping through one of his textbooks. Finally, he let out a sigh.

"Alright. What is it?" he asked.

"I need to get the top score," you insisted. Seungmin looked at you with a raised eyebrow.

"Everyone does," he said matter of factly.

"No, everyone wants it, but I need it," you repeated.

Silence with Seungmin was never uncomfortable, post your initial interaction. Silence with Seungmin alleviated your tensions. This silence, however, felt pressing.

"Tell me something you have never told anyone," he asked you quietly.

The routine asking of this question had become a habit between you two now. Whenever you noticed that the other was shifty, holding something back, this was their cue to tell you what was wrong.

"I'm being selfish," you groaned, "I need to so that my name gets published somewhere, anywhere, so that my birth parents know I'm alive and find me. I'm not giving them the liberty of me searching for them. They lost that a long time ago. If they want me, it's them who need to look for me."

You plopped onto Seungmin's office chair and pointlessly spun in circles. He studied you carefully.

After a pause, he responded, "I'll be honest. You are being selfish. You want this, no, apparently need this for reasons that have nothing to do with your future studies, which is what college entrance exams are all about. But considering you situation, I believe it's completely justified."

You instantly felt at ease. This boy you only know for two years astoundingly always knew the right thing to say.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

You and Seungmin had the house to yourself. His parents were visiting his sister, helping her settle into her new apartment. You ads Seungmin had to share his room, the other rooms stored with his sister's things that needed to be moved.

You were practically asleep in his bedroom but an uneasy churning in your stomach kept you awake. You could hear Seungmin lightly open the door and step inside.

"Wait, I'm gonna go get the air mattress," he voiced in the dark room.

You turned towards him. "No, just sleep with me."

"You sure?" He asked.

Seungmin knew about your hesitancy towards forming attachments and committing. You hummed in affirmation, knowing that he would get little to no sleep on the air mattress and wouldn't let you sleep on it either.

He slid in beside you, his face facing yours. You both just looked into each other's eyes until you broke away, turning to the other side. Seungmin felt a part of his heart chip away for reasons he couldn't really identify.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

You felt bile work it's way up your throat and knew you wouldn't be able to suppress it. Carefully getting out of bed to make sure Seungmin didn't wake up, you made your way to the bathroom.

Routinely swallowing your vomit, you got to the bathroom and without even switching on it's lights, heaved out the contents of your stomach as quietly as possible.

Or so you thought. A drowsy Seungmin materialized at the doorway, turning on the light and watching you in concern. You flushed the toilet and violently splashed your face with water.

"Being half asleep is a very good look on you," he mumbled dryly.

"Likewise," you panted, an apologetic expression on your face.

You hated physical touch. Seungmin knew you hated physical touch. But when you reached over to lightly squeezed his hand as an apology, Seungmin felt a similar constriction in his chest.

To Kim Seungmin, you were a mystery he hadn't quiet solved, but he was still, willing to do anything for you, and the unfamiliarity of such a feeling scared him beyond belief.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The third time you slept over at his childhood home was full of nostalgia and memories.

You both were twenty two, finishing up your undergraduates, when you mentioned to Seungmin in passing that you would be in town on your way for an assignment that would require you to travel. Seungmin jumped at the idea of you staying with him, since he was house sitting for his parents that very weekend.

Seungmin would be lying if he said that he wasn't hurt by your slowly decreasing contact. Conversation between you both slowly dwindled, but he never pried as to why. He understood that you rarely ever maintained an attachment, and that he was lucky for what he had.

You wondered what it would be like when you went back. The Jangs had never fostered a child after you, but never called you their daughter. They maintained contact with you but never attended events like graduation.

Still, deep down, at the end of the day, you knew you carried two things in your heart: Your now battered pillow and Seungmin.

⋆˖⁺‧₊☽◯☾₊‧⁺˖⋆

You both were sitting in his backyard, legs crossed over each other on Seungmin's folding chairs. Stars littered the sky the way they littered his eyes, and you couldn't help but be entranced by the wistful gaze that Seungmin held.

"Tell me something you have never told anyone," you asked, leaning your head over, near his shoulder. Just a few inches, and it would placed on it.

Just a few inches, and everything would mean something.

Seungmin knew his words carried gravity, but he was tired of walking on coal around you.

"I missed you," he said, a near whisper.

You stilled. "Your turn," came his voice after an eternity.

"I talk to my pillow sometimes. I pretend like it's a family member. It stopped, when I used to live here. But it grew in frequency during college. There is something inherently wrong with me, and I think that it's either me being undeserving of love or me never having been loved."

When your voice finally faded, Seungmin turned to look at you. Your eyes were glassy and unfocused. He wanted nothing more than to shake some sense into you, tell you that you were loved. Hell, he was proof, if you needed it.

"You're loved. If you weren't you wouldn't be here," Seungmin said hoarsely.

You snorted in response. "Yeah, I sure as hell wouldn't be here if I was loved."

Your words stung but Seungmin wasn't deterred. "I love you," he said softly.

Your eyes widened fractionally and you turned to look at him. "What?"

"No," he laughed, "Not that way. I love you as a friend, a confidant, as someone I know I can always talk too. Not... whatever it was you were thinking."

You visibly eased under the effects of his words, but noticed that Seungmin didn't do the same. His body was still tense, still rigid.

"What is it?" you asked.

"I- I know I said I love you as a friend but," Seungmin's voice faltered.

"But?" you prodded, your own heartbeat increasing with each passing moment.

"I would be falsifying my emotions if I said there weren't times when I wanted to love you in different ways as well. Romantically. Intimately. Devotionally," he added in an uncharacteristically shy tone, "If you'll have me."

And you realized, with a start that you did want him. But doubts started plaguing your mind, started seeping into your body and mixing with your being. What is the pain of it was so irreparable that you would never be able to love, if you ever could in the first place, again?

"What if I can't recognize your love for love?" you questioned meekly.

"Then I'll say it to you everyday. Platonically at first, romantically, maybe, afterwards, but I'll say it to you every single day. If every hour if you want me too. Because it's the truth."

You felt the warmth that accompanied thoughts of Seungmin blooming in the pits of your stomach. Or maybe it was the barbecued chicken you just ate. In the heat of the moment, you weren't quite that sure.

"And what if I can't love you? All I have ever known towards this world is hate."

"Then I'll teach you. We have all the time in the world to do so. If all you have known is hate, then love should come easily. They're very similar emotions," Seungmin said softly.

He hesitantly moved his hand towards yours, and laced his fingers through the pads of your knuckles. You did the same and moved you head to place it on his shoulder. Now, everything did mean something.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The fourth time you had slept over at his childhood home, Seungmin taught you that love could be found in every aspect of the world.

It was hidden in the way sparrows flew towards each other in the summer, in the way mothers looked at their children and the way a child looked at candy. It came in droppings, reflected in the way you felt about rain and cherry blossoms.

Seungmin taught you how love was found in the grand and the simple.

Love was when he sent you large bouquets of roses that you had know idea where to keep and the surprise picnics you planned for him. It was the coffee he prepared for you every morning without question and the way you paused whatever you were watching when he had to step out for a phone call.

At the Kim house, you experienced even more love.

Sisterly love, when Seungmin's sister showed off the clothes she brought for you. Maternal love, when Mrs. Kim squealed in excitement when she spotted you holding Seungmin's hand. Paternal love, when Mr. Kim placed a bet against his team while giving you a wink. Brotherly love, when Seungmin's cousin tried to steal food off your plate.

You felt love everywhere, and slowly but surely, you spread love everywhere.

That night, Seungmin held you close and sang into your hair the way he did every night.

"I love you," he yawned, and snuggled into you.

And, you wanted to say it back. Mustering up the courage, you replied, "I think I love you too. No, I know I love you too."

Seungmin looked at you in astonishment and you realized that you were right all along.

He did have stars in his eyes.

You didn't know much about love. You were still learning, still faltering. But you knew one thing for certain: the love you held for Seungmin and the love he held for you would never go away.

please reblog and comment if you liked this fic! it means everything to me and I love reading your thoughts <3

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@seooj444

[feminine-obedient-alexandra]

In praise of real Men  

i hear so much about toxic masculinity and how bad the patriarchy is and how Men are "keeping women down" and it makes me sick. i love Men. i love masculinity. And i never want you to be afraid of who you are or doubt your own strength. Men are awesome and this is my love letter to you all.

Today's society wouldn't even exist without you. So thank you so much for my mobile phone that lets me stay connected with all my friends. Thank you so much for the internet that makes it possible for me to express these feelings right now. Thank you so much for cars and public transport so i don't have to walk everywhere. Thank you so much for the houses you built so that i can live in them. Because all those things wouldn't exist without Men, without our patriarchal society. Men did this. You did this. You built the cornerstones of our world. Men build the houses and girls make them homes.

We work well together like that. So thank you for giving us the opportunity to support you like that. Thank you for all the sacrifices you had to make, thank you for all the hardships you endure. Real men are protectors too. So thank you for keeping us safe. Thank you for upholding the law and thank you for risking your life to fight fires and rescue people from dangerous situations.

The world would be a very different place without masculinity and all the greatness you brought with you. So i am terribly sorry for all that "toxic masculinity" talk. i am sorry for all the feminism that made your life miserable. And i am so sorry for the "blame game" against Men that happens everywhere. i don't want you to be ashamed of your masculinity, of being a man, of not conforming to society views on what a man should do. i want you to be happy in your bodies.

i am sorry there are hardly any good role models on being a Man. i am sorry that there is a lot of body shaming but never any support about male bodies. i am sorry how society shuns you when you are having emotional problems and i am sorry how your motives come into questions so often. i am sorry for how stupid we girls act sometimes and i am sorry we can be such an annoyance to you.

So i wanna say here, you Men are appreciated. Maybe not by everyone, but by us good girls. By the girls who are not afraid of their femininity. Not only did you built this world we are living in, dear Men, you are our world. We love that we can rely on you, that you are holding strong even against the worst storms. You are our safe haven, our strength.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for giving us all these opportunities to make life great. Thank you for providing for us and making us feel special. Thank you for tackling even the most complicated problems and thank you for never running out of solutions. Thank you for your courage to never falter and withstand the hardest of circumstances. Thank you for being Men.

In return, we promise to always love you, honor you, and obey you. To support you in your endeavors and to always have your back. When you come home from a hard days work we will be there giving you the strength to continue. We will take your constructive energy and turn it into beautiful creativity. We will appreciate the things you create and we promise to add beauty to them. We will be there for you when life gets tough and you can be sure to always have a home with us.

i am sorry for the many Men who struggle to find their way in this world because they are no support systems for you. i am sorry for the many Men who struggle with their masculinity because everyone tells them it is toxic behavior. i want you to know that it is not. Be yourself, be who you want to be, and go your way with a head held high. i am sorry for all the setbacks and failures you will encounter but please remember it is not about how often you fail, it is how you deal with it, how you learn from it, and how you push yourself up. i want you to know that it is Ok to struggle sometimes. Just be you. Because you are awesome.

So, dear Men, thank you for everything. i know society can be mean and treat you bad at times, but i want you to know that there are good girls out there that love who you are, that bask in your masculine strength, and that think the world of you. Thank you for being Men.

sincerely, the good girls 

[natequarter]

💣 commiedyke Follow

i fucking hate clowns

#is it just me or are they creepy as hell #ace speaks

12 notes

👑 fred Follow

past me is a naive fool. future me is unbearably horny. alternate me is evil. and as for me well i am the world's first ethical dictator

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

Why would you say something so controversial and yet so brave?

👑 fred Follow

you are literally the person this post is about

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

Awww honey you're so cute when you're angry <3

#just shout if you want to hook up

79 notes

❓ the--adventurer7 Follow

google where to find clowns

❓ the--adventurer7 Follow

google top 10 most clown infested planets

❓ the--adventurer7 Follow

google creepiest clown societies

🎻 the--adventurer8 Follow

have you tried arvania? lots of clowns this time of year!

❓ the--adventurer7 Follow

thank you so much for this, google was getting me nowhere

#my fault I guess for using the worst search engine in the universe #we are going to have the BEST day trip out

887 notes

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

"You are running this planet into the ground" Rassilon forbid women do anything

🐧 coordinatorsupreme Follow

You are not a woman. Also, you keep on testing my loyalty with extremely dangerous missions? Please stop.

🗡️ worsthumanongallifrey Follow

can confirm, romana sent me away """for my own safety""" into an active warzone

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

You're looking lovely today Leela

🗡️ worsthumanongallifrey Follow

i am NOT TALKING to you

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

And yet here we are, gorgeous. Talking.

#they call me sweet and charming because I am sweet and charming #well charming at least

34 notes

🚬 fitz-crier Follow

need hhim to leasfe my corpse outt in the sun til my bonesd are glesming whyite theh cryshvthem snd snort them like cocacine

🎉 yourbutchgirlfriend Follow

i mean the doctor has crack cocaine. would it not be quicker to just do drugs

#what is going on here

1 note

💣 commiedyke Follow

i'm going to blow up everyone in this room and the myself

#WHAT PART OF I FUCKING HATE CLOWNS DOES THE PROFESSOR NOT GET #god. had the worst day today #you have no idea #ace speaks

56 notes

🗡️ worsthumanongallifrey Follow

and i mean the worst part is she still does something to me

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

Whenever you're ready, Leela ;)

🗡️ worsthumanongallifrey Follow

p.s. i still haven't forgotten that you murdered my husband

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

That was literally the one time

🗡️ worsthumanongallifrey Follow

yes!!! i know!!! that's the fucking problem!!!

#gah why must you be so dense

927 notes

👑 fred Follow

stay strong leela

#don't let her silver tongue trick you

45 notes

❄️ icemaiden Follow

Who is Leela

👑 fred Follow

uh. don't worry about it

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

DO worry about it. She's everything

👑 fred Follow

GO AWAY

#losing my mind here

81 notes

💣 commiedyke Follow

trampolines trampolines trampolines i hate them sooo much. bounce bounce motherfucker. it's so awful when i have to jump everywhere springy floors are the worsttt

#cosmo wanda the professor sees this post #i am so DONE #ace speaks

4 notes

❓ the--adventurer7 Follow

google most fucked up trampolines within 5 miles of me

🎻 the--adventurer8 Follow

you know looking back on it i was in a weird headspace in those days. no self awareness. kinda terrible begaviour tbh

📺 compassion Follow

Are you kidding me.

#Some things never change I see

846 notes

🎼 the--adventurer6 Follow

Nothing like a refreshing pit of acid on my early morning stroll :) pushed a Cyberman into one today and listened to the screams! Great way to wake yourself up after less than 3 hours of sleep

🌈 ijustwanttobeabotanist Follow

?????

#doctor please say sike

99 notes

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

⚔️ warqueenextraordinaire Follow

Oh come on I cannot be the only one on this website into selfcest

#and also Leela #@ fred this one's for you

63,855 notes

❓ the--adventurer7 Follow

do not look at my search history please and thank you

🎸 the--adventurer12 Follow

too late

23,367 notes

[bjornswoman]

Nemesis's wish

Author's note: Hello everyone! I'm back with this fic which is my favorite so far. It was supposed to be shorter but eventually it couldn't, so this isn't the end about these two characters. This fic is the first of a trilogy (hopefully). Anyway, thank you for your support and till next time stay safe and have fun.

Pairing: Ubbe x Reader.

Genre: Mini!series, drama, angst, slight romance.

Summary: You were forced to marry a man you despise.

Warnings: Mentions of cheating and pregnancy, mentions of divorce, jealousy and strong language.

My enemy and me masterlist |

Life had always been a challenge for you. And your wedding couldn't be any different. The worst part of it was that your husband, the man you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, was horrible and you hated him.

Well, horrible wasn't a word people would use to describe Ubbe Ragnarsson. They preferred to call him loyal, reasonable, honorable and names like these, but for you he was horrible. A man you were forced to waste your life on his bloody side.

Your relationship was almost non-existent. Ubbe tried to have a deal with you or even approach you somehow but you wanted nothing with him. So he was never around the house.

You knew that he had affairs with other women, something that he had never admitted. It worked for you until you were with child. His child. It was a miracle that it happened. You almost couldn't believe it but it was the truth. After all, people were talking about you two and this child came to end the rumors around your marriage.

You hated Ubbe but you loved more than anything and anyone in the world your son. He was blonde and his eyes had the same blue as his father's. He resembled him a lot but you didn't care. Your baby was so peaceful, unlike his father and his brothers who were always too loud.

Thankfully for you, most of the year he was not around the town, because he was raiding in the spring and was back in the winter. The unlucky part was that winter was approaching and that meant that Ubbe would be back within some days.

It was like your son had notice your moody self all these days and he was upset as well. He would cry all time and he wouldn't sleep easily, like usual.

Your hands were wrapped around the toddler and you brought him on your lap trying to calm him down.

"Come on baby. Relax please. Just do it for mummy please." You muttered to your son as you tried to calm him down. You stood up from the bed, walking through the room holding the baby on your hands.

You didn't understand that somebody was watching as you were whispering to your son his lullaby. The one you sang every night. The one which could only calm him down, but lately even this specific one couldn't work on him.

"Here, give him to me. He will be delighted when he will see me." Said the guy coming out of the shadows, scaring you so much that you clenched the poor baby on your breasts. You turned your face and saw the person you didn't want to see at all.

Ubbe was standing next to you waiting to have his son. You wouldn't let him lay a hand on him, but you did when you saw the little boy smiling at the sight of his father.

"I thought you wouldn't be back until next week. You came quite early." You were saying as you were placing the boy on his hands. When the baby was on his hands, you took some steps away and placed your hands in front of your chest.

Ubbe's blue eyes were on his son smiling and playing with him. When you finished talking, his eyes left the baby who was almost sleeping on the hands of his father and turned to you. Eyes as blue as you had never seen them before, as beautiful as never before. Or you had never noticed them like that before.

A smirk formed on his face before he started his own words.

"Much to your displeasure, we managed to raid the Christian cities in less time and we decided to come back before the first snowflakes fall." He replied to you and left the sleepy baby on its crandle. The direction of his face returned to you and he placed his hands before his chest, as you did before. You were looking at each other for some seconds without talking, but Ubbe was the one to break the silence. "I didn't think that you would be here when I'd be back home. I was expecting you to take the boy and disappear." His voice was softer than before. Probably because the little boy was sleeping peacefully inside the crandle.

You chuckled when you heard him talking. You were asking that same thing to yourself. You could do that. After all, you were thinking about that all of the months of your pregnancy. You even tried to scheme, but you ended up doing nothing.

To be fair, life wasn't that bad next to Ubbe. At least lately it was quite better and after seeing him back safe and healthy you felt happier and quite more relieved than before. You couldn't find the reason behind all this. The only thing you knew for sure was that you felt strange.

"I thought the same thing, but it wasn't easy to run away when your mother had her guards watching me like hawks." You replied smiling and he smiled as well for a moment. Then, his eyes went darker. The darker shade of blue that you had ever seen in your life.

"I'd never let you go anywhere with my son. You could run away, go wherever, but little Ragnar stays here with me." His words were harsher than any other time before. You felt yourself getting confused. Ubbe had never talked this way to you before this night. He would leave this house and wouldn't talk to you. When he did talk to you he was kind most of the times. He moved closer to you and one his hands made it on your chin.

You moved away from his grip on your face and looked at him all mad. For one moment you thought that you could feel something else than hate and anger for him and he had to destroy these feelings.

"Command your men, not me. And don't be so sure that you will find your son here tomorrow when you would come back from your whores." Your words came out of your mouth like they were drops of poison. You could see his face transforming again. He went mad. If eyes killed, you would be dead by now. If Ubbe was another man, you would be dead by now.

His hands grabbed your neck and he pushed your body on the wall behind you using his own one. You were trapped between him and the wall with his hand around your throat. He could kill you if he wanted to. You were right there at his mercy looking at him angry like before. Looking at him like you weren't afraid of what he could do to you.

"I could kill you for that and nobody would guess it was me." Ubbe whispered to you. His angry eyes were burning your face. You didn't hold back. Your eyes were looking straight at his eyes.

"Go on then." Your voice came out as a whisper due to the pressure on your troat causing by his larger hand.

"Don't test my patience, woman." With that last whisper right above your left ear, Ubbe set you free from his strong grip and walk to your shared bed. He laid on it.

"My name is (Y/N)." You were saying within pauses as you were trying to catch your breath.

"I can recall your name."

"Then use it when you are referring to me!" You raised your voice this time, forgetting about the toddler sleeping next to the bed.

Your son's crying came right after your yelling. You rushed to him and grabbed him from the crandle before Ubbe could touch him.

"You hate me so much that you didn't even care for our son." He said as he sat on the edge of the bed, watching you holding and trying to calm down the crying baby.

"That's not true!" You whisper–yelled looking straight at Ubbe. "This boy is the best thing that has happened in my life since the fucking day I was forced to fucking marry you!" Tears were dropping from your eyes without your notice. "You claim that I hate you, yes I do hate you, but not more than you hate me! You are horrible to me! The mighty Ubbe Ragnarsson who is fair and reasonable to everyone else treats his wife horrible! I get it that you loved that slave girl and you wanted her, but it insults me." You said and wiped away the tears from your face. After that, you held the baby closer to your body and you caressed his hair and then his back. "Go. Find her like any other night. Hopefully, she might be with child and your mother will free us both." You spoke calmer than before and after this you turned to your baby. His teary eyes were looking at yours. "I'm here, my little warrior." You spoke softly at him and started singing only for him.

Ubbe didn't say a word back at you as you were trying to calm the kid so it could sleep. The only thing he did, was to leave from the house and slam the door behind him. When he left, you let the tears stream down from your face.

That night Ubbe didn't come back home, but it wasn't unusual for him. He wouldn't spend the nights at home when he was back. Probably he was drinking with his brothers at the Great Hall and then he was beding that Margrethe girl.

You didn't sleep more than two hours and not because Ubbe wasn't there, but because of your boy's crying. He would wake up every two hours due to fever.

The day was downing when you heard knocks on your door. You opened just to find Hvitserk holding your drunk husband. You moved your head unimpressed and opened your door fully so Hvitserk could move Ubbe on the bed. Little Ragnar was on your hands crying the whole time.

"Is - Is everything alright?" Hvitserk asked quite uncomfortably and brought his hand at the back of his neck.

"No, but it is going to be." You replied at him, caressing the head of your calm now baby who was sleeping. You tried to force a small smile on your face, but you failed as it was expected.

"Why is my nephew so upset today?" Hvitserk was speaking as his hand was caressing your son's blonde head.

"Your nephew has some fever and he is more cranky than usual." You said to your brother-in-law and your lips met your son's forehead. When you felt his decreased temperature you smiled. "But, he is quite colder than before so that's a good sign." You said again and left the boy in the crandle. After that you moved to your kitchen to offer some of your newly baked bread to Hvitserk. He admired your skills in cooking and you appreciated that. "I baked this some time ago. The little monster wouldn't let me sleep." You said when you offered him some of your handmade bread.

"He always calms down when his father is around and don't try to deny it." He pointed out with his mouth full of bread.

You gazed at Ubbe, then at the toddler and at Ubbe again. It was true. Little Ragnar adored his father, it was obvious. Ubbe had a unique ability to charm him, as everyone else. Those son of Ragnar Lothbrok had this ability in their blood.

"I was - I was not going to deny it. I admit that my son adores his father. Everyone adores him." You turned to Hvitserk.

"Everyone except from you."

"What?"

His words caught you off guard. It felt strange when you heard these words coming out of the mouth of a third person. Not so due to the sound of them, but because after the birth of your child people assumed that your relationship with your husband was better. The relationship that a husband would have with his wife. They believed that you grew to love each other and you let them believe so. You wanted them to believe that. You acted like a loving couple in front of others and you even agreed that neither his family should know the real. They seemed relieved and convinced that you finally loved each other.

Hvitserk's eyes landed on your face. You were upset, he could tell by the look of your eyes. He left the empy plate in front of him and concentrated on you.

"Don't act like the loving wife you pretend to be to me. I know better (Y/N). My brother isn't a good liar or pretender. Plus, he spoke a lot last night. Luckily, it was just me there to hear." Hvitserk spoke to you and your eyes met the darkness that covered Ubbe's figure laying on the bed. Before you could even form a word to defend yourself, Hvitserk spoke again. "He was talking about little Ragnar all the time when we were back on the battlefield, you know. He even talked for you a couple of times. It slipped from his lips that he thought that you prayed to Gods for him to die there and I acted like I didn't hear that." He confessed whispering and you felt a tear threatening your left eye. You fought that tear back, you wouldn't let yourself cry in front of Hvitserk. You had cried in front of Ubbe before, but only in front of him because for a strange reason it felt really hard to keep them in.

As for Ubbe's beliefs about your false prayers. Even if you hated him, you would never pray such a thing for the father of your child.

"I - I never - I didn't—" You stopped for a moment to catch your running breath. You closed your eyes for a second and then you re-opened them and looked right at Hvitserk. "I would never pray such a thing. Ubbe and I are whatever we are, but he is still the father of my baby. This boy right there needs his father and whatever bullshit I have told him and he went mad tonight, I wouldn't leave, not after I gave birth to Ragnar. To be honest if it wasn't for him, probably I wouldn't be here right now, but I don't thing that this matters after all." You said honestly.

Hvitserk run his fingers through his messy hair and stretched. After that he took a deep breath.

"If you wanted to leave (Y/N), you would be gone by now. You had your chances before Ragnar but you never did." He spoke and you frowned. You had never thought things that way. But Hvitserk's words were truth.

It had always been a threat that you wouldn't be there when Ubbe would be back home after the raid, but you had never actually done that. You waited for him even when you didn't want him to come home just yet. You caught yourself bringing him up on your prayers just to make sure that Gods would keep him safe, but away for a little longer.

You didn't know what you should have answered him. On the other hand, he didn't need an answer. Hvitserk, as a third person and outside of all this madness, he knew the reason behind both of your behaviors, Ubbe's and yours.

Hvitserk smiled at you and stood up from tbe wooden chair he was sitting. Before he lay his foot outside your house, Hvitserk turned to you.

"It's not a crime to admit that you care for him. Even if you don't want to see it yourself, you have feelings for Ubbe that are not just hatred and anger. You don't need to argue or convince me differently, not me." Hvitserk spoke after his gaze had landed on his brother just to make sure that he wouldn't hear his words. He didn't wait for an answer of yours, he walked through the way that led to the door, but first he looked back at you again. "My advice is only one and hear me for once. I know I am not the wisest person on Midgard, not even close to that, but you have to believe in me just for this once. Don't do anything stupid and let Ubbe go away. You are reaching the end of the line. Both of you are on the edge. You will regret letting him go. Try to think what you want and if you realize that you feel something other than hatred, change. That's my advice to you sweet (Y/N)." Those were Hvitserk's last words. After them he stormed out of the house and left you sinking in your thoughts.

They couldn't be truth, Hvitserk's words. This would be madness. You hated Ubbe and that was it. You were waiting the moment when this marriage would be over. You were living for this same moment. Hvitserk's words confused and made you reconsider everything you thought you felt before this moment.

You couldn't like this guy even a little bit. That couldn't happen. Never. The only good feelings which were trying to form were due to the fact that Ubbe was the father of your son — the only happiness you got from your marriage to your husband was this child. Your miracle baby.

You gazed over to your son and after to his father. You shook your head to avoid your endless thoughts.

You hated Ubbe and wanted to divorce him that was the situation. It wouldn't change. It couldn't change. You waited a very long time to be free from this man, so you wouldn't change your mind just like that, because Hvitserk tried to push some feelings that you didn't even have for his brother.

You stood from your seat and grabbed your basket. You had to clear your mind from all the thinking and going to the market seemed a good solution. Before you leave, you checked oj your sleeping baby and glanced at Ubbe just once.

When you made it out of the door and walked through the streets of Kattegat, people were looking at you suspiciously and you even cought a couple of them whospering to each other as you passed them. At first, you thought that it was a usual day and all this was normal, because you were Ubbe Ragnarsson's wife or something like that. You started to get suspicious when it didn't stop and their stares were persistent on you.

You tried to find a familiar face to ask about the situation, but you weren't that lucky.

After you bought some things you needed you headed back home, where you found Ubbe playing with little Ragnar.

Them playing together — more like Ubbe tickling Ragnar and Ragnar laughing — wasn't a picture you got to see every day. You felt a strange feeling in your heart. It was like a bird flying inside your chest though it didn't last long, because Ubbe's voice made you feel like your usual self towards him.

"Where have you been?" The tone of his voice was imposing and demanding, like he was questioning you. When you heard him you felt quite angry, but you didn't want to cause one more scene in front of your son.

You moved a little bit from the door and left your basket on the table.

"I have been in the market." You spoke as you left your cloak on one of the wooden chairs. As you were speaking, your hands were organizing your kitchen and the stuff you had bought.

When Ubbe heard your answer clicked his tongue inside his mouth, a sound that annoyed you very much.

"What a stupid excuse to leave your child all alone." He said bitterly. Something which made you to turn and look at him. Ubbe had placed your son back inside his crib and was at the other side of the table whick was standing as an obstacle between you and him.

Ubbe was leaned on the wall and his hands were crossed in front of his chest.

You took a deep breath and tried to remain calm for once more because of your child. It wasn't good for your son growing up in an environment where his parents were fighting all the time.

"I didn't leave him all alone, I left him with his father." You responded and leaned your body on the cupboards and placed your hands in front of your chest, like he did before.

"I was fucking sleeping and he was alone! Alone (Y/N)! Anything could have happened to him!" Ubbe yelled as he came even closer and stood inches away from the table.

You closed your eyes and tried to keep your patience.

"I am telling you he wasn't alone, he was with you. You would hear him crying if anything happened." You reasoned angry in low tone of voice, but Ubbe wasn't a bit pleased by your answer. In fact, he was even more angry.

The crying of your baby stopped Ubbe from saying whatever he was going to. You passed from him and grabbed your son from his bed, trying to calm him down.

Your lips placed on his forehead to check on his body temperature and when you knew that he was hot you placed a kiss on his forehead.

"He has fever." You muttered to Ubbe without looking at him.

"What?" His voice sounded different from before when he was talking to you. He sounded surprised and scared.

Undoubtedly, Ubbe loved his son and was an excellent father for him. This child was all he dreamed about. Ragnar just had the wrong mother.

"How long?" He asked again and this time he was close to you caressing the back of your boy.

It was the first time he was this close to you and you two weren't forced to pretend that you wanted it. This time both of you were anxious about your son's health.

"Since last night." You answered him and finally looked at his worried blue eyes. It wasn't the first time you noticed how lovely they were, but it felt like it was. Ubbe was looking back at you, the exact way you looked at him. "Here, hold him for a while." You told him and placed the boy on his hands.

"Where are you going?"

"I'll fetch some water and a wet cloth. They will help."

Within a minute you were both sitting on your shared bed. Ubbe was holding the kid and you were holding the wet piece of cloth on your son's forehead.

"He seems quite better now" Ubbe pointed out and you agreed, taking the cloth away from your baby's sleeping form.

After that, both of you stood from the bed and Ubbe placed your son back inside his crib and both you stayed there looking at the baby for some time.

It felt strange and weird being that close to him and not fighting. When you stopped looking at the baby, you went back to your kitched and he sat on a chair looking around uncomfortable.

Both of you felt uncomfortable and weird around each other for not reason. It wasn't like you didn't know each other, but you felt like strangers to each other indeed. Like you weren't the ones who were fighting some time ago.

"(Y/N)." Ubbe was the first to break the silence between the two of you and you turned to face him.

"Yes, Ubbe." You muttered.

"I—"

He didn't even get to form a proper word when loud knocks on the door startled both of you. You walked pass the table and opened the door. When you did, you met a very worried version of Hvitserk Ragnarsson. You hadn't seen his this way ever again before.

"Brother, I want to talk to you about something." Hvitserk spoke quickly, without greeting you. Ubbe's expression changed when he saw the one his brother had on his face and you were curious yourself, but you didn't ask anything. "Privately." Hvitserk added and glanced at you.

Ubbe stood up from the chair he was sitting and walked to the door.

"If anything happens with the child, go to the Great Hall." Ubbe told you.

"I know." You whispered before he close the door behind him.

It wasn't the first time he left like that. Actually, those times were countless and you felt nothing about it, you didn't really matter where Ubbe was, until this moment. You could feel the agony inside your chest. Your heart was pounding in your chest and your hands were sweating. You had a bad feeling. Or you were just sick. Maybe you had caught the cold from your baby.

That must have been. It was the only reasonable reason about your feelings.

Fortunately, a soft knock on your door stopped your thoughts and you rushed to open. When you opened, you noticed Torvi's worried look on you and frowned.

"Come in." You were the faster one to start talking, as you opened the door wider for her to come in the house. When she was inside, you closed the door behind her.

"I heard that a certain someone is sick and came to help you. I know how it is to have a sick boy. Hali would get sick almost every winter until he was three." She spoke and you smiled warmly.

"He is getting better now. I hope he will be fine in a couple of days." You said smiling, watching your little boy sleeping. But your smile died when you looked at Torvi again.

She had the same worried expression as when she stood outside your house.

"Is everything alright?" You asked as you moved to your kitchen to prepare some tea for the both of you.

"Well, I didn't come only for Ragnar here, I came to see you, too. You are barely around lately." Torvi's voice was softer than usual, but you didn't want to think too much about it. You were just upset because Ragnar was sick that was all. There was nothing suspicious.

But, on the other hand, too many of coincidences were standing in your way in one day. If you knew one thing, it would be that you didn't believe in coincidences.

"Yes, I know, but Ragnar was sick and you know how I am when is time for my husband to come back from raiding." You spoke and placed a cup of hot tea in the table.

When you looked at Torvi, she was still standing. You motioned her to sit opposite of you and she did it.

You didn't speak much of Ubbe, or the state of your marriage, but Torvi knew. Every member of his family knew the truth about you. They just didn't speak about it. Even Ivar, the brother who was known for his poisonous words, didn't say anything ever, at least not when you were around, and you appreciated that.

Torvi didn't answer you. She was just staring the table speechless which was suspicious. It felt like she knew something and she came to you to tell you, but for some reason which you didn't know she was saying it.

"Torvi." You said her name and leaned closer to her, placing your hand closer to hers. Her eyes met yours and at that moment you knew for sure that something was up. "I can sense that something is wrong, tell me what it is." You spoke again and she her eyes left you for once again. "Torvi, tell me." Your tone was firmer.

You saw her tensing and closing her eyes, then opening them again. Torvi took her hand away from yours and you felt even more confused.

"Alright." She wasn't looking at you when she was speaking. Something that felt even worse. "There is something that I assume that you are not aware of and I think that is unfair for you not to know it. Probably, I am not the one to tell you that and maybe it's a mistake the fact that I am here now, but I consider you my sister and I couldn't keep it away from you." She paused for some seconds and before she started speaking her eyes reached yours. "Margrethe, you know Margrethe, right?" She asked you and you felt you mouth turning bitter at the sound of her name.

Of course you knew her. She was the mistress of your husband. The woman – the thrall girl – he loved and wanted to marry and dreamed about being with her, having the family he always wanted with her, but instead Ubbe stuck with you – the woman he despised the most.

"Are you kidding me, right now?" Your voice was more ironic than you wanted or intended it to be, but when it came to that woman you couldn't keep yourself together.

"I assume you do, considering your answer. Anyways, Margrethe is pregnant." She spilled and you felt your blood turning cold inside your veins.

For a couple minutes nothing was sounding. You couldn't think properly, or even form a proper word to say. You were horrified.

"I didn't want to say it so straightforward. I tried—"

"Who is the father?"

Both of you spoke almost at the same time.

Torvi took a deep breath and that was enough as an answer for you.

"It's been said....... she said that....... I mean......." She was trying to say that your husband was the father of her bastard child, but she couldn't find the right words about it and to be honest were there any right words about something like that?

Probably not.

"It's fine. I guessed that Ubbe is the father." You voice was calm, as you intended.

You were upset. You were angry. You felt hurt for some unknown reason. But you kept yourself together. After all, that was all you wished for to happen. Now, after Margrethe's pregnancy, his mother would approve to your divorce. People would understand. You were humiliated but took all you wanted.

Also, the looks and the whispering in the market this same day made sense. Nothing was a coincidence at the end of the day.

"Hey, aren't you happy for me?" You stood up, trying to sound happy, trying to be happy. It was all you wanted all this time and now it felt like Hel. "Torvi, Torvi, Torvi, let's not lie to each other, you know my problems with him. I have always wanted to find a getaway from this nightmare and now I am finally free to live by my own rules, without a person I hate. And wanna know something else? I knew it about them and I fucking told him to impregnate her so the queen would let us divorse. See, that's all I ever fucking wanted." Your voice was bitter and poisonous. At the end of your speech, you turned your back on Torvi and placed your hands on the counter to steady yourself.

When you did that you closed your eyes and refused by that way to let tears fall from your eyes.

"(Y/N), you don't mean that. You are just upset right now, I understand, I totally understand, but—"

"Torvi, leave me alone." You said, trying to be calm, or at least the calmer way you could be. "Please." Your voice almost gave you away. It almost broke and Torvi was clever she knew – even if you refused to admit it even to yourself – that you were hurt.

Torvi did as you asked her too, she left without speaking a word behind her. When you heard the door closing, you let yourself break.

You fall on your knees and cried worse than your baby. You cried gor something you claimed you wanted all the time you were married with this man and after he did what you told him to, you felt awful – betrayed that was it.

Two words came to your mind when you cried. Weak and stupid. That's how you called yourself and you felt that way because what you didn't want to happen and hated to even think about happening, happened. You had developed feelings for him and you hated him for that, even more. You hated that you loved him.

Hvitserk was right. Everything he told you was right, but nothing of that mattered anymore. You should have admitted and tried to do something to save the last pieces of this marriage, but now, there was nothing that could be saved.

Even if you wanted, even if you tried, Ubbe wouldn't want you. She was all he wanted all this time and this baby of hers and now he had it all. His biggest dream was becoming truth.

Your son's loud crying brought back for once more. He was your saviour after all and you owed him for that.

Your hands wrapped around his little body and tried to relax him, but it seemed impossible when you yourself was crying loudly too.

It was just the two of you now – like you craved – and it felt lonely and strange. It felt like a piece was missing and you knew damn well which piece was that. All you wanted was to leave him and live all by yourself with the only person you loved in the world, but now it was different. It was hard to let go of him and your life with him.

Only the thoughts of finally getting freed from this painful marriage made your heart ached.

You couldn't fall for him. Especially not now.

"Your father will be always there for you, Ragnar. He will always love you deeply, after all you are his firstborn son, you carry his legacy the most. It's just that you will have to grow apart from him, but that doesn't change anything. And I – I love you more than anything in this cruel world. You are my only child." You whispered leaving your tears to reach your jaw. As you were speaking, your heands were caressing your son's back and your eyes were closed. Your were trying to calm down both of you. "Also, we won't be that far. You can see him whenever you want. He and I just won't be together." You didn't know whether it was your son the one you wanted to calm with these words, or yourself. "Never forget—"

You didn't get to finish because the door opened and closed loudly and the only thing you were able to do was to turn your back at the person who entered – Ubbe. But you failed to cover your wet face. He had seen.

"What had happened? Is the kid alright?" Ubbe asked and by the sound of his voice and the way he stormed inside the house, you could say that he was upset. You could guess the reason, but you couldn't get the reason he was upset. Your wishes were coming true. You wanted to divorce with him and he wanted to marry the blonde slave girl.

"Yes. He is just a little bit upset." You spoke swiftly and gazed at your son's big blue eyes. He was just looking at you now. You smiled at him and kissed him softly on the forehead. After that, you left him inside his cradle.

"What about you?" His voice came out softer than before and almost startled you. You didn't expect him to state anything about you, it wasn't like him to care about your feelings.

Your eyes met his for the first time after you found out about the girl's pregnancy and after overthinking your complicated feelings about him.

"I will be." You mouthed quickly and walked past him, or at lest you tried to, because the man you wanted to despise like no one and nothing before stopped you by force.

His hand wrapped around your arm violently and made you stop just inches in front of him. You frowned out of anger and looked first at his hand and then at his angry face.

"What is that? You are acting weird again." He pointed out and wanted to laugh out of your frustration.

You wanted to yell — yell like a madwoman — after the news you received and his audacity to want to be treated differently. You couldn't act like anything had happened. Neither you wanted to tell him about it. If he had the guts, he would tell you himself.

"I don't get what you mean. I'm just myself like usual and apparently you are acting like yourself." Your answer and the unphased tone were enraging him more. You notice by the way his grip on your arm was tightening. "Now let me go. I have to teat my son." You tried to escape from his grip, but Ubbe didn't let you. He pulled you even closer to him. You were both pissed at each other.

Well, you weren't just pissed at him. Deep down you were hurt. He had hurt you like always, but this time — unlike all the others — the pain was piercing through your guts. This pain was something you hadn't experienced before.

"I just can't understand you and I'm fucking trying!" Ubbe let go of you and started walking in the house with his hands running through his breaded long hair. "This morning we were alright and now you are back to your annoying self — to that hateful woman who despises everything." After he finished, Ubbe turned to face you. Your face hadn't change a bit after his words.

You could feel wrath in your veins, but something bitter was there too.

"That's what you believe of me, huh? Then wanna know what I believe of you?" That last part wasn't even a serious question. You were going to tell him anyway and you were going to be harsh. "You are just as hateful, but trying to pretend that you are someone else so that people like you. You expect them to love you when you treat your wife worse than the thralls. I should not talk about that matter — your way with the thralls. You wanted to belittle me so much that—"

You stopped yourself there. You couldn't continue. You were indeed becoming hateful. For a moment Ubbe was just staring you without speaking as his words were replaying themselves inside your mind.

You had become as heartless as your father was. You treated Ubbe so low, but he wasn't better.

"That what? Why did you stopped? Maybe you understood yourself that all these nonsense you are speaking are bullshit! I fucking treat you the way you treat to me! I have never wanted to belittle you!" Ubbe was yelling — it was one of the very few times that he was so mad.

But you weren't going to hold back your tongue. You were as mad as Ubbe — if not more. You had crossed the line some times, but he was worse. He cheated on you multiple times and even impregnated his mistress.

When you heard his words, you were the one who run her hands through her hair this time. Instead of yell immediately, at first you formed an ironic smile on your face and the next thing you did was to yell.

"You belittle me every fucking night of those you are back in Norway! You are cheating on me with that slave and you even got her pregnant this time. You humiliated me! Everyone in the market was gossiping about your exploits! All Kattegat knows! If not all Norway!" You were yelling without even thinking of what you were saying. You hadn't even understood that tears were streaming from your eyes all the time you were talking. "But that shouldn't mind me! After all, that's the best reason to divorce you. No one can stop me after this. And, of course, they can't prevent you from marrying her! Go ahead take her, but I inform you; this is the last time you are looking at me and my son." At the end, all you could do was whisper at him. It was pointless.

Your little boy didn't even cry this time, like he could sense that even him couldn't stop you from saying all these. He was just playing with some of the toys inside his cradle.

Ubbe's expression changed after all the poison you let your mouth spit.

"I've never intended to humiliate you or belittle you." His voice this time was softer than you were used to. You had never really talked in calm tones. "When we married we didn't love each other — we married for that alliance. At that moment, I loved Margrethe and I was planning to marry her, yes and yes, I had slept with her, but that stopped when Ragnar was born. Well, to be precise, I had stopped some time before I learned that you were with child."

All this time you had your back turned at him and were trying to stop the tears that were falling mercilessly from your eyes. But when you heard his last words, you wiped away some fresh tears and faced him. Ubbe was calm — it was a rare moment — a beautiful moment.

"I was trying to give in to the feelings I felt for you. The way I had you in my mind when I was at the battlefield. Don't ask me how those feelings were formed — I have no idea. I was thinking of you, knowing that you were praying for me not to return. Those feelings couldn't be replaced by any fight we had. At the end of the day, all that stayed in my mind was one of your rare smiles and the way you care for our son."

Those words were even harder to process them than the news about the child of the slave girl. You couldn't even think that Ubbe would ever form that kind of feelings for you.

His confession made the rock walls of your heart to fall one by one.

"I have never prayed for you to die on the battlefield. I did quite the opposite in fact and it felt strange in my heart. I hated — I told my self to hate you — I was telling myself all the things I hated in you so I could hate you. I felt strange for you — my heart was beating in a strange way as much as I tried to avoid it, it exists, still." You spoke truly without daring to look in his eyes. "But it doesn't matter anymore. Our marriage will end. Those rumours is humiliating enough for me to leave you. If I have enough dignity, I should leave you."

Ubbe tried to reach for you, but you stopped him with a motion of your hand. If things were different, you would stay and try to make this marriage work, but you had no other choice but to leave him.

Taglist: @bruher, @utterlyhopeful-fics, @hypocritic-trash-baby

[river13245]

Witchcraft and adoration

Navigation / SPN Masterlist

Rowena x Male Reader

"we are going to have to call her Dean" Sam says as he's looking through all the books they currently had to try to help their current situation in any way they could.

Dean glares at him from across the table in the main room and shakes his head. "No absolutely not"

Sam just shakes his head at his brothers stubbornness and goes back to reading the book he was currently on. But even after hours of doing research his own eyes had started to hurt so he decided to take a break. "I'm not getting anything. There's nothing we might have to Dean. I know we don't trust her but its not the worst idea we have ever done"

The oldest brother sighs and stands up grabbing himself a drink. "Damnit. You know she's just going to come here and cause trouble right? Remember what happened last time she was around us?"

Both the brothers recall exactly what had happened last time Rowena was around the four of you. Rowena had been giving you looks from across the room and eventually that turned into you coming over and flirting with her. Having no shame in your game what so ever.

You were one of their best friends growing up as you were also raised in the hunting business. This resulted in you guys being around each other a lot but also away so as the years went on Dean had taught you how to flirt and pick of women or men. While you and Sam had flirted a lot throughout the years he fell in love with Jess and nothing ever happened between the two of you which the both of you were fine with you two were close friends.

However they both had grown protective over you and so seeing you flirting with the enemy was a BIG no for them. "Okay so maybe we just keep them two separate from each other" Dean says and Sam nods.

Its to late though because you had heard the last sentence as you walked downstairs. You were about to pick up some groceries when you overheard them talking. "Who are you keeping separate from each other?"

Dean takes a drink out of his glass leaving it up to his brother to take over. "We are having a few people come by to help us with this case since none of us have been able to figure anything to solve it and two of them don't like each other"

Now did you believe what Sam was saying. No. His voice was coming off very matter of fact and when he is speaking truth he doesn't have to seem so convincing. However you choose to ignore it and just nod. "Okay well you two have fun with these friends of yours. I'm going to the store anything you guys want while I'm there?"

You grab a jacket of yours and put it on since its been cold recently with the Christmas weather around the corner. Before you walk out the door you hear the both of them yell out what they want. "Pie, Fruits and vegetables"

"okay if I'm not back after an hour I'm dead" They both glare at you when you say that causing you to laugh and walk out.

As soon as they hear your car start and pull out the drive way is when Sam pulls out his phone. "I cant believe we are actually asking her for help" Dean grumbles like a child and Sam rolls his eyes as he presses the contact and it rings.

"hello boys" Rowena's voice comes through the speaker. "screw something up already?" She teased but was completely serious. Which resulted in Dean speaking "No we haven't. But Sam here thinks we need your help"

Dean not having much manners doesn't hide the fact he is unhappy with this arrangement. So Sam speaks "Rowena we need your help. Will you help us we cant find anything in the books or we wouldn't have called"

There is silence through the other end for a moment before she speaks. "well I hate to be one of these people but what's in it for me?"

The brothers look at each other for a moment "world peace should be good enough of a reward"

She laughs "oh please where is the fun in that. I guess we will just have to figure something out then hm." There's a pause for a moment "is the pretty boy there?"

They can hear the smile forming on her face and they sigh as Sam speaks "He went out. You might miss him if you don't come over now"

A beep is the only thing they here in response. They think she had chosen not to but when footsteps are heard across the wood floor they see her. Her red hair curled and falling down her shoulders nicely. She had also put on a nice outfit and they knew exactly who she was trying to impress.

Dean walks up to her glaring at her. "listen if you even think about flirting with him or even Looking at him with those eyes of yours ill kill you"

She smirks and places her hand on his shoulder. "oh Dean I'm not intimidated by you. I'm here to help you show me what you need me to do"

Sam brings her to all the things they had been researching and she nods and they get ingredients all out before she begins to slowly use her witchcraft. Making sure to do this correctly.

About an hour goes by and she's still there and you walk in through the door. "okay boys I've got everything for Sam's healthy smoothies cause he's a freak and Deans pie"

You look up and see the both of them looking at you "what?"

"Well took you long enough. I was beginning to think I would have to stall for even longer" You turn your head to look at Rowena and a small smile forms on your lips. "hello gorgeous sorry for keeping you waiting"

Sam grabs the bags from you and puts things away but not before telling the both of you to stop flirting. "well Sam if you and Dean don't want to watch us flirt I suggest you both remove yourselves from the room"

This causes the both of them to roll their eyes and they both leave and go to the kitchen. They knew that you liked her but you also wouldn't let her screw anything up for them. So as soon as they left the room you walk behind Rowena and look at what she's doing. "what are you doing with all these ingredients?"

She rests against you a little as if her body couldn't help but gravitate towards yours. "well watch and ill teach you a little something" A smile forms on your face as you place your chin on her shoulder lightly. "yes ma'am you have my full attention"

You could have sworn you seen her cheeks turn red but she chose to not draw attention to it. She began to show you slowly how to do simple things. She left out some of the steps because she didn't need you to know everything. If you wanted to learn how to do witchcraft she would teach you simple things first.

As she explained some of the steps to you. You listened to her words and after a while you were wondering why the boys weren't in here yet but you had a good idea of who is stopping them from being able to and she's right here with you.

Even when you knew she was trying to focus on the task at hand you couldn't help but want to get a reaction from her so you began to kiss her shoulder and to her neck and as you did you felt her relax and try to continue to work.

However when you got to her collarbone she leaned back and brought her hand to turn your face to look at her. "As much as this is amazing. I've got to finish this and what if Sam and Dean see you kissing me like this?"

Your response was shrugging your shoulders. "well they wouldn't be able to say anything. If i want you im gonna be with you" This results in her placing a quick kiss to your lips. Then you speak again "plus Sam was into a demon at one point in time and we are all pretty sure Dean had a thing for a vampire named Benny and now hes with an angel so"

She laughs and nods "okay well then you still need to back up so i can focus on this and not you" You nod and back away and go to the kitchen and let the both of them out.

When the three of you walk back to the room Rowena is finished with her work and walks over and hands it to Dean. "here now I believe you said there was something in it for me"

"what do you want and don't say what I think you are" He tries to sound stern but when she looks at you he sighs and Sam crosses his arms. "it might be a little to late for your opinions boys"

They give her a questioning look as she walks over to you and pulls you into a kiss and your hands go to her waist leaning into it and before you could stop her she magically takes her back to her home and then un connects your lips

The night is filled with her teaching you a little about witchcraft then movies and dinner. You knew she would let you leave at any time but tonight it was the last thing you wanted to do.

----

The boys back at the bunker both look at each other and try to grab onto you so you didn't go with her but they were to late. They weren't really worried about her keeping you hostage because even if they hated the fact...they knew she really did like you.

"oh come on!" Dean yells and Sam just laughs a little

"well they never were one to listen to well" Sam says

[curiousaromantic]

Just finished Ghost of Tsushima main storyline AND Iki Island DLC.

sighs

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, OMG

One of the best games I’ve ever played tbh, it was beautiful, I fell in love with Jin Sakai and his character, like, he is genuinely a beautiful person and omg I felt pretty charmed by his resolve throughout the entire game—more men like Jin Sakai please. (yuna youre so lucky girl…)

I’m not much of a gamer myself, kind of I guess, I play when I have free time in my PS5 and when it comes to action games I’m a coward lol idk why whenever I am pushed into a battlefield I freak out (I almost had a heart attack when I started Ghost of Tsushima and the mothafuckers sent straight to fight at Komoda Beach, HELLO? The intro was so beautiful tho…). But Ghost of Tsushima balanced everything very well, and I enjoyed doing NPCs side missions, I felt powerful and badass.

(The way how the fear that the Ghost inflicts on his enemies is portrayed??? Chef’s kiss honestly. And the Records items, especially Conversations with the Khan, I enjoy the lore with so so so so much glee hehe.)

The characters, I fell in love with the characters. I knew I liked videogames when I first played Far Cry 4 and the characters felt so dear to me, and Ghost of Tsushima brought me back to when I was like 9?? and I was playing FC4 on my dad’s PS3. Jin’s story and the rest of the characters’ Tales hypnotized me, idk. The flashbacks, the foreshadowing, the small conservations within Jin and the others…I was sobbing in the ending and in Masako’s and Yuna’s tales. AND THE LOVELY WAY WE GOT SO MUCH APPROACHES TO IMPORTANT THEMES AS WOMEN EMPOWERING, FAMILY, QUEERNESS, TRADITIONALISM, ETC. jin baby you deserve the world.

Ngl, while I was playing the game not only I cherished every single interaction of Jin and his allies/friends, but I was glad he had the time to talk and rest, yk? And that’s why I love Yuna so much, gods.

From what I’ve seen, many ship Ryuzo and Jin, and while I kind of understand and respect Ryuzo, I don’t personally ship them. I was too excited to duel him the moment he was deemed a traitor lol, this game brought out the worst side of me (i was cackling when i got the ghost stance, run fuckers!). I did cry a lot on Iki Island whenever Jin had Ryuzo’s hallucinations, like, ouch, I would hurt forever if a childhood friendship ended like that.

(Talking about Iki Island, Kenji doing a cameo there LMAO, and Jin teasing him with “so you left Tsushima and you didn’t even bothered to say goodbye?” AJDKAKDKAKS YES YOU TELL HIM JIN)

Now, Jin and Yuna??? Muah muah muah, they are soulmates, romantic or platonically or both. Its the way Jin (throughout the story this loyalty builds up, love that) does everything no questions asked when it comes to Yuna, going with her to her tales? Damn Jin straight went and brought her heads! How romantic. The way Kenji was like “he cannot refuse if I tell him Yuna’s waiting”, AND THE WAY JIN HIMSELF OUTRIGHT SAYS THINGS LIKE ‘I would give my life for you’ OR ‘so you and Takeshi…?’ Hehehe they are so precious. They are definitely in love your honor, at least for me.

Wish I could still find the characters in the map or something after the main story ends, I’m at my new home behind Omi Monastery full of nostalgia because Jin’s home is a mosaic of gifts and remembrances of everyone he has known. Yuna’s gift, Ryuzo’s hat, Taka’s hook, Kenji’s sake, First Horse’s saddle (Nobu precious, I wish you had been there with me 😭) and lots of other stuff from Masako, Ishikawa, Lord Shimura, and many others that I don’t remember rn. Like, it is clear Jin loves his homeland, his people, his friends, I’m sure he would have made a perfect Lord, aw.

Thank you for reading my venting. Now, I need fanfics.

[notesfromthepalace]

I'm Not for Everyone

And that's okay.

As I have said before, my blog pieces are based on my real life as the Sarah Chanel.

Meaning, my story times about the jelly sisters, my career endeavors, me being a full time student, my weight loss and continuing healthy habits, and yes to the lurking desperadoes and pickmeishas, my relationship, are personal to me. So I write about them.

I know my personal content is not for everyone, so there is no mandate here for you to follow me or read my posts.

But it's just something about a desperate pickmeisha that I just have to address because they are the worst type of women.

I do not exclusively talk about my Man on here. He comes up when the story time involves him or pertains to him, i.e. the double date story, or when a man was trying to ask me on a date even after I told him I was in a committed relastionship, and I mentioned how I told my man because why not. There are a few other instances but when I talked about my weight - loss, he wasn't mentioned, when I talked about my career transition and talked about my conversations with women in that field, he wasn't mentioned, when I post my personal visuals, he's not in them.

But if the mention of MY MAN in MY LIFE makes you feel like I have made my whole identity about being in a relationship, your IQ is really low.

I will never understand why people choose to follow or look at pages they feel like don't speak to them or they simply don't identify with or like. Again, very low IQ.

I follow a lot of influencers who speak about religion (Christianity specifically), politics, home decor, fashion, marriage and motherhood (because that is what I find interesting and valuable), and finances. I don't follow ideas, opinions and narratives that I don't like.

I'm not sorry that I have an amazing life full of blessings given to me from the Almighty. I am back in school full time, I travel, I am with a beautiful Black providing, protecting, and professing Black man who are families are in agreement with our future union, and again, I am blessed and highly favored by God.

Please, if @notesfromthepalace isn't the place for you, I'm pretty sure pickmeisha world is taking applications for the spring.

With love,

Sarah Chanel

P.S.

Since my blog is called Notes From the Palace, this was a lesson on how to be, in the words of the Nene Leakes, nice nasty. Cheers

[thedepthsoffandomminds]

The guest PT 10

Masterlist

Jack Dawkins x fem reader.

The Navigator had been wrapped and placed in a bed on Jack's ward, Belle had fallen asleep, sat in the viewing gallery. You looked up at her, then to Jack who was sliding down to sit against the wall. His deep brown eyes met yours.

"I can tell things are different, the way you looked at her then. That's not how it happened is it?" He says.

"No, not exactly." You walk over to him and sit beside him on the floor.

"At Government House, I heard your sister say that this was your eighth attack. What did she mean by that?" He asked, eyeing you curiously.

"Oh nothing, you know I'm new to all of this, the clothes the air..." you try to laugh it off.

"No, please don't lie to me. I heard Sneed talking to the Professor, he said he had to check you again recently."

You bite down on your bottom lip as he talks.

"Jack I... I'm not well but please you just need to do as I say. I need you to try and love Belle.."

His hand comes up to your face.

"I don't want to. I want to be with you, to look after you."

"Jack."

"Stop lying to me. You're just saying this because you're with Sneed."

"I'm not. Jack he asked me to marry him and I said no. As nice as he can be he isn't a person I would marry." You try to convince him. "He has since set his cap at either of the Fox girls."

"Then why? Why won't you let me kiss you?" He asks and a tear falls from your eye. You take his hand from.your face and turn yourself so your head is resting on his shoulder.

"What the Navigator said, about the sea, did that sound true for you?" You ask. Jack testis his hand so your fingers interlock.

"It was the greatest day of my life when I got promoted to sublieutenant. They gave me my own bed. I'd never had my own bed before. And my own room."

"Must be wonderful to be at sea. Travel the world."

"It was. It was the best and the worst of times. I saw all kinds of things I didn't even think were possible. Wild animals and festivals. In Hong Kong, I saw this giant paper dragon with fifty people under it and as they moved, this dragon appeared to dance and breathe fire. It was quite amazing."

*_*_*_*

"Where the devil is Dawkins?" Sneed bellowed when he saw the navigator lying in the bed. He stomps through the halls to the operating room, where he sees you still sat on the floor, curled around Jack.

"I can scarce believe my eyes." He gawps.

"Sneed?" Belle asks from her place in the gallery. All three of you waking at his voice. You remove yourself from Jack.

"I insist you both return to Government House immediately and we will discuss this later."Sneed growls at you both.

" Or possibly not." Belle quips as you leave. You hear the two men beginning to argue as Belle pulls you away.

"I have always known you to be a reprehensible, arrogant upstart, with no respect for your betters." Sneed growls

"I have enormous respect for my betters. It is just there are none around here." Jack bit back

"You have directly performed an operation I had forbidden you to do. That I specifically said was not a safe operation in the patient's interest."

"And I agree with your diagnosis. A surgeon of your skill level, Sneed, it would have been impossible." Jack quipped angrily .

"I am to be Head Surgeon here in two months."

"Only if you can force one of the Fox's daughters into marriage right? Or y/n?" Jack squares up to the other man.

"I see that is truly what this is about. You will never be good enough for any of them."

"And you think you are? Money you never worked for is not a personality trait, you pompous, overgrown toff. Y/n will never love you."

"When I am head surgeon you will no longer have a role here and I will ensure you have it nowhere else in the country. You can crawl back to your own kind, Dawkins and I will have my pick of the three women."

Jack's fist collided with Sneed's nose before Jack fully knew what he was doing. A trail of blood dripped down Sneed's top lip. He pulled a glove from his pocket and slapped Jack across the face with it.

"Is that how you fight in Mayfair?"

*_*_*_*

Sitting in the carriage around half way back to Belle's house your memory of the show flooded back to you.

"Oh god no. Belle stop the carriage, I have to go back!"

"Y/n what, what is it? What's happened?" Belles asks fearfully.

"Just please stop," you banged on the top of the carriage and hear the driver pulling at the horse's. "Belle go home. You need to.implore your father not to allow any duels." You say to her jumping out of the carriage and running back to the hospital.

You as fast as you can until your chest starts to tighten. Your foot catches on rock and you fall to the ground. Your head smacking down, everything going dark.

@fandomfan-102 @deanstolemydragon @mydeputyghostwagon

[j0kers-light]

Joker x reader on her period ? On my mine right now I’m dyingggg 😭😭 (I love ur fics! ) 🩷

15 days later..

Hi anon please don’t hate me 😭

I split this into two categories: heavy and light periods. Every female is different and y’all know I love showing diversity because not every body is cookie cutter perfect. I might come back and polish this a bit more but for now, I hope you enjoy!

Let’s talk about a heavy period🩸

You are miserable and it’s not fair that the world expects you to smile through the pain as if everything is fine. It’s not. You are ready to pass out.

For an entire week you are going through it.

Symptoms you are subjected to are nausea, bloating, dizziness, intense cramps, body aches, and fatigue are just a few to name. Each one has you in the worst mood ever and Joker definitely notices.

He saw you wince and rub your lower back as you disappeared into the bathroom. The version of Y/n that emerged was irritable and not one to be messed with.

Joker asked if you were alright and you literally hissed at him before slamming your bedroom door shut.

He didn't see you for the rest of the night and resigned himself to a lonely night in the guest bedroom. Maybe you'd be in a better mood tomorrow?

Anhhg wrong answer. You're worse. Absolutely worse. Any noise he makes, you're yelling at him to shut up (apparently you have a headache)

Joker is flabbergasted yet turned on that you raised your voice at him but before he could get in the mood, he watched you make something to eat and take a bite of it, only to hack it back up in the trash can.

And the most horrifying part? You wiped your mouth, gargled your mouth clean with water and went about your business like nothing was wrong. "Eh first day is the worst" You threw over your shoulder.

Nothing phased you, yet Joker surmised you were in excruciating pain. He would tense up whenever you doubled over and groan, only to witness you straighten back up and resume whatever you were doing with a calm demeanor.

He wasn't stupid he knew what a period was but yours was a beast of its own.

Your mood swings were legendary, you lost your appetite, yet gained a sweet tooth and balanced it out with eating straight salt.

You said it was to replenish the salt you were losing. Whatever that meant. Joker thought you were bleeding. What did salt have to do with anything?

If you use tampons, you save Joker the infamous 'sending boyfriend to the drugstore to buy them' rite of passage but he's in disbelief that you insert something in your pussy and keep it there for hours. Like what? Does it feel good like him or...?

Mid cramp you explain how a tampon works to Joker.

You might as well explain everything that's going on this week and give him a crash course on menstruation and spare no details to the madman. Joker applauds you and the women around the world.

"You have to do this for the rest of your life?!" Poor Joker. He has a lot to learn..

He sees women in a new light and he does everything he can to make your period as easy going as possible. He sends his goons to buy anything you need so he can keep a watchful eye on you

If you use pads, Joker makes fun of you wearing a diaper and joyfully asks if you need help changing it. You're in such a cranky mood, you take him up on his offer.

Cue Joker following you to the bathroom, cracking up jokes along the way but his teasing smirk fades as you pull your pants down and reveal....

"That much is coming OUT? How are you still conscious doll?!" You clean up and change and leave Joker horrified counting the pile of used pads in the waste bin. He quickly does the math and faints.

No wonder you are so miserable. Woman are powerhouses to do this each month until menopause because Joker cannot even fathom!

Joker drinks his daily dose of feminine juice and does his research about women's health to better educate himself when he notices you are awfully quiet today.

Joker began to worry when he called your name and you hardly moved from your blanket burrito position on the couch.

"Y/n?" He walked over and saw the empty bottle of pain killers on the coffee table, and his eyes snapped to yours staring off into the time continuum. It takes several minutes for you to return.

You finally hummed out a what and Joker grabs your face. It was clammy and riddled with ache but he was worried about your glassy eyes. You were half baked.

"How many did you take?" He demands.

It was period day five and you were still bleeding heavy, passing full clots with no end in sight. You just wanted some relief so you took an extra pill. Like it did anything, but it took the edge off at least.

The rest of your body however was feeling the effects.

You never saw Joker look so concerned before. If you had more energy, you would tease him about it but at present you felt his warm hands cupping your face.

"Your hands feel good." You murmur and guide one to your belly and the other to your lower back. Then you groaned in bliss. Joker was better than any heating pad!

However he was beyond concerned now.

"Bunny, how many pain pills did ya take?" He saw your body sway on the couch before you fell forward, leaning majority of your weight on him. He barely picked up your reply, "Two maybe.... four? Wait. What time is it?"

He gave you the time and his eyes widened you chalked on two more tablets. You were tetering on an overdose.

"The daily max is six! Y/n, loook. At. Me."

He tries to get your attention but you're already falling asleep, finally comfortable enough to do so, with your personal space heater holding you close. You wake up in the middle of the night with Joker cuddling you (worried sick about you) but happy to announce that your flow is slowing down. You think its a little odd that he changed your pad but he's proud that he did it correctly.

It's just another weird Joker trait you guess. Hopefully by tomorrow morning, your period would be over.

Let's talk about a light period🩸

You are blessed with a more tamer menstrual cycle.

The ones that men think all women go through because that's what Hollywood depicts periods on the screen to be. You bleed three days tops and hardly have any intense symptoms.

Joker hardly notices a change with your demeanor. You are a tad bit more irritable but nothing to be concerned about.

The only tell-tale sign is the first day when you literally have a fainting spell right in front of him. One minute you were laughing at something he said, the next your eyes are rolling back and you're falling down.

Joker catches you, asking a thousand and one questions but you come to and weakly ask him to get you some juice and something to snack on. It's that time of the month. You forgot since you have a habit of irregular periods.

You feel yourself leak through your panties and mourn another good pair of underwear but drink down the juice J got you and munch on your favorite snack. He's impatiently waiting for answers so you just come out and say it.

"Umm I started my period." Joker mouth forms an O and he nods to himself.

He's been with you for months but this is the first time he knew you were bleeding. Joker is ready to take care of you but much to his shock.... you're fine.

Make no mistake, you wince every now and then mid conversation or rub your lower back, but no drastic changes to note.

He's a bit let down actually. Movies and other media made 'taking care of your partner on her period' into a rite of passage but you're not letting him experience that!

If you use tampons, Joker buys enough to last you for the rest of the year. He likes the smooth applicator ones that are comfy and easy to remove.

For a moment you'd think Joker had a vagina with the knowledge he's giving you but he is straight faced as he explains everything he bought you.

It shows just how much Joker cares about you so you nod along and put away his impulse buy in the storage room. You highly doubt you'll put a dent in the stash.

If you use pads, Joker was a little confused which size to buy since you don't have a heavy flow. He dons a disguise and travels to the store to see the products for himself.

Guaranteed Joker is asking you what size your pussy is. "What are the wings for?" He has no filter on the phone, and you can't take him seriously. He tells you to stop laughing and help him but this is too good not to laugh at!!

All in all, Joker does not care about the looks every female in the store is giving him. He buys your preferred supplies, sugar, and other snacks to make you happy. When he gets home though, it seemed like your cycle did a complete 180.

You're in fetal position on the floor cursing Eve for this anguish you must endure. The delayed cramps hit you like a freight train. Just because your flow is light, doesn't mean your overall period doesn't hurt like a motherf--

You notice Joker standing by the door and blink back the pain to stand up and resume your normal duties. You limp back to your laptop and get back to work. Joker is terrified yet in awe.

A few minutes ago you were on the floor in agony, now you're working on your wip as if nothing is wrong. Are women secretly aliens? Perhaps superheroes? There's no way you can be calm about this.

Joker has to know what you're going through. He thinks he can handle period cramps and buys that viral machine that simulates the pain.

You roll your eyes and wish him good luck as you waddle to the bathroom to change and clean up a bit.

Joker unboxes the system and follows the instructions so the pads are connected to his abdomen. He's fully confident-- with his high tolerance to pain-- that he can start out pretty high. He turns on the power and

You come back out into the living room to see Joker writhing on the floor. He looks like he's being tased.

You glance at the level he chose. You scoff and step over him. "Wimp. Try surviving for a full day... on this level."

You turn up the voltage to reflect your current pain and roll your eyes when Joker begs for you to turn it off.

You don't.

[shelaghdette]

theory: trixie franklin is a lesbian

alright, this one may prove slightly controversial, but please bear with me! i've always taken the view that trixie is bi, but thinking about it more, i've come to a different conclusion.

glossary -

wlw - woman loving women, a blanket term for any woman who is attracted to women.

sapphic - another blanket term for femmes who are attracted to femmes, arguably more inclusive than wlw - here used interchangeably with the above.

lesbian - a woman or femme who is exclusively attracted to other women or femmes.

bisexual - a person who is attracted to two or more genders.

a note on compulsory heterosexuality -

before you read this, if you don't already, it's probably best to understand the concept of compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet.

this is when societies (like most in the world, even in the modern day) enforce the normalisation of heterosexual love and relationships, to the point that lgbt people feel pushed towards straight-passing relationships when they may be happier in a queer relationship.

comphet applies to all genders and queer sexualities, but today i'm going to be discussing it specifically in the context that it impacts lesbian women.

relationships with women -

full disclosure - i am a trixadette shipper (i think i might've even invented the ship). i have analysed quite a number of scenes from the first two seasons where trixie and sister bernadette interact, and there doesn't appear to be much in the way of heterosexual explanation for their behaviour towards each other. that in itself deserves its own post, and will get one in due course.

my theory that trixie is attracted to women mostly stems from her interactions with sister bernadette, and later shelagh. there are a few longing looks, some flirtatious body language and just a general air of gals who are a bit more than pals.

however, aside from this, trixie never appears happier than when she interacts with other women. she seems to gain the most fulfilment from her relationships with her female friends, far more than she does with the men in her life. barbara and valerie are prime examples of this.

prior to realisation of being sapphic, it's very common for wlw to experience intense attachment and deep love for female friends. this can truly be just platonic, or it can be a crush that is so repressed that it presents as overwhelming platonic love.

"attraction" to men -

ever since the first season, trixie has been presented as the "boy crazy" girl. she often talks about men, but if you actually watch her behaviour, she rarely pursues any particular man. additionally, closeted queer people may often overcompensate for their insecure identities by putting forward a highly straight image.

it's extremely common for lesbians who are experiencing comphet to fantasise about an abstract concept of a relationship with a man, but not have much idea of WHO that man might be. in the early seasons, when she DOES pursue a man, it is with an ulterior motive (getting that actor to be a judge for the baby show) and it ends disastrously for her.

when she does eventually get into relationships with men, it is because they pursue her. it happened with all three of her relationships we've seen on the show - tom, christopher and matthew. i do not personally think trixie showed any interest in them prior to them showing interest in her, but YMMV.

image consciousness

it's very telling that, during her AA meetings, trixie speaks at length about her ability to put on a show to please others around her. obviously, she talks about this in the context of placating her mentally ill and alcoholic father, but this skill from childhood has been highly transferable to her adult life too.

trixie is extremely good at putting on a front and looking well put together, even during her worst moments. when she was relapsing, she hid it well until her secret was unwittingly revealed to phyllis by a patient. the girl can lie and lie, but it's all a defense mechanism.

trixie clearly struggles with a view that she must be seen as perfect at all times. it's easy to see how, if she was a lesbian, this would not fit into the image she tries to display to others. i believe that part of her striving for perfection includes wanting a relationship with a man. this leads me into my next point.

cultural context

it probably goes without saying, but the 1960s was not an easy time to be a sapphic woman, especially if you weren't attracted to men. we just need to look at the story of patsy and delia to see how the show acknowledges this. comphet is still a problem we face today, in the year of our lord 2024, but it was absolutely rampant in those days. female lgbt behaviour was never criminalised like male homosexual acts, but it was harshly viewed. wlw faced a lot of the same challenges as mlm, as well as their own unique struggles when homophobia is coupled with misogyny.

marriage to a man and child-bearing were still considered the most important things a woman could do in that era. and by the time trixie gets into a relationship with matthew, she is approaching her mid-30s. in that time, trixie would have already been considered "on the shelf." the show really implies this by her becoming a lot more focused on her search for a husband in later series, like when she joins the marriage bureau.

relationships with men

i won't say much about tom, but trixie makes no bones about it when she told him he and barbara are much better suited. there's a real notion that trixie feels out of place in her relationship with tom, and ultimately she breaks it off when she realises she couldn't be happy with him in the long term.

this continues into her relationship with christopher. i really like christopher, and i think trixie does too. by far, he is the person who treats her the nicest out of the three men she has had major relationships with. however, even then, she doesn't seem entirely comfortable, and breaks it off when she fears how intimate the relationship has become. i think the situation with alexandra is mostly an excuse for her fear of commitment to a man.

i also want to talk about sex (minors, cover your ears) when i mention christopher. he's the first man she is ever implied to have slept with, and she agonised over it for a very long time before she makes the decision to do it. some people read this as her being asexual (which she still could be, even as a lesbian!), or just "proper" for the era, but opinions vary. i view it as her having no sexual attraction to MEN.

finally, matthew. oh, matthew. he makes me so very angry.

matthew and trixie essentially traumabonded over the death of his first wife, and she is a good supportive presence to him raising his son in her capacity as a midwife. i think the convenience of him showing interest in her, coupled with her recent anxiety about find a partner, created the situation where they eventually married.

and she still isn't happy. when the new pupil midwives arrive and trixie hears them having fun with nancy, she looks really sad and lost, and my heart just breaks for her. it's a sign that she regrets leaving the lifestyle she loves for a life of domestic "bliss".

when they had their argument about trixie's work, it's very telling that her immediate response was to retreat back to her safe place of nonnatus house for half the week. trixie feels the most secure when she is among women, this is shown time and time again.

this was super long winded and possibly a ramble, but these are my thoughts on her. if you made it to the end, here's my favourite happy video edit of trixie and shelagh. i'll probably make a whole post about why i ship them next.

[hero-israel]

I know this is really hard for all of us to talk about, especially because of all the ways this discourse can be weaponized by the worst possible people, but....I am really, really disturbed by the hideously antisemitic consensus I see coalescing in Western non-white activist spaces. I'm a halfie and the non-Jewish half is non-white, so I suspect I feel a bit more okay saying this -- and I get why so many others in our community don't want to get into this. It's so fraught. But like....there's always been antisemitism in some of these spaces, we know that. But I feel like what I'm seeing right now is on a new level, especially among younger people. And with antisemitism ALSO rising on the right among younger white people.....where are we going to be in fifty years? What can we do to push back against this? I'm very involved in feminist organizing, and I'm hearing full-on blood libel from women I've known for years, many of whom are of my non-Jewish background. And I'm totally failing to get through to most of them. There's no understanding of how antisemitism functions, because it's so different -- but when I say that, it's now dismissed as, basically, colonialist white people complaining about "reverse racism." We're being lumped in with the Charlottesville kids, who also want us dead. I have no idea what to do. I'm really feeling how few Jews there are in the world -- how do we overturn this tide when the only people who really give a shit are us, and there are so few of us? They repeat things enough times, and it doesn't matter if they're wrong. They make reality, essentially. It just feel impossible.

I wish there was something specific I could offer, but I don't have the background here and would wind up just speaking over people who have faced different challenges. It feels horrible to have longtime purported allies go silent; what you are describing, where they become positively hateful and dangerous and one feels split in half, seems even worse.

I have often seen questions similar to yours on the Jewish areas of Reddit (r/Jewish and r/Judaism), and every time it comes up it has been handled with loving welcome and great detail. If you haven't already asked the community there, you should. If you are a student, perhaps your local Hillel can be of help. I also suspect some of my readers could be of more help on this than me, and hope they will chime in as well.

There have always been few of us, few enough that it often does not matter if widespread beliefs against us are merely factually false. But please don't despair. This is the worst moment for the Jewish people during any of our lifetimes, but our lifetimes have been unimaginably more fortunate than those of basically all past Jews for millennia, more than any you've ever read about and studied. We are still safer, stronger, with more allies, than most of them ever were - and they lasted long enough to make us!

[our-transmasculine-experience]

Sorry this is a bit of rant, but I hate toxic masculinity and gender norms so so so much because now I'm subscribing to them, and I cannot stop myself. Sometimes I want to wear a dress, but if I do, or even so much as think about it, my body shudders or I want to vomit. Because the idea of being seen as feminine even in the slightest way physically hurts me, and its all because of the way I was raised. I'm in an extremely conservative household, and there is so much toxic masculinity. My brother has fucking curls for gods sake, he is a cis man and my dad makes remarks about how its gay (otherwise sayings its feminine) to take care of his curls!

Now me being a closeted trans guy, every time I hear my dad talking to my brothers, or talking to other men when women are around there is such a stark line between the two groups. My dad and his friends and my brothers are MANLY MEN AND WOMAN CANNOT BE IN THE MEN GROUP while the women around me kind of drag me into the stereotypical womanly position and giggle and joke around and there's so much internalised misogyny. I had my mother the other day berate me for not shaving my own damn legs, her big point was that it was 'unhygienic' even though my dad is covered in hair. Then the real point came out, apparently not shaving my legs makes me look like a lesbian!

It sucks man, it just sucks. I love my brother though because even though he also as equally as transphobic as them, he doesn't subscribe to their weird toxic masculinity and honestly he's the closest I'll ever come to being out of the closest.

I used to think my sister might be in the closest but as we get older and she conforms more and more to my parents ideologies I realise I was just fooling myself. And I hate being like this, because my family are good people in general and their not unkind to me, or treat me poorly, they treat me really well, I'm really well off and I'm grateful to them. But if I ever came out, I would be cut from this family so quick it would make my head spin.

Being around all these stereotypes just feeds my insecurities because sometimes when I listen to the things the men around me say I know its so misogynistic and I know I should strive to be better than that, but I can't help but really want to fit in with them because all I want to be seen is as a boy. But I never will be. I really really fucking hate it (excuse the language) when the women in my family try to pull me into their side. I hate that my older brothers just see me as my dad's daughter from his second marriage, I love them so much and I just want to be friends with them but I'll never get that, my younger brother will though BECAUSE HE'S A CIS MAN!

Its selfish, I'm really selfish for thinking like this, because I live really really well, I have parents who love me even its not for who I actually am, and we have money. Seeing how bad others are living compared to me and then complaining about my household is selfish I know. I just wish these stereotypes would go away, I wish I wasn't trans, I wish I was a normal girl, but I'm not, I'm a boy, I'll never be a girl and it's the worst thing in the world. It doesn't help either that I'm bisexual and got outed by my so-called best friend and had to pretend it was just a phase that I grew out of. I want to scream, but I can't, and I won't. Because if I ever want to succeed in this world, I need my family's support.

I hate this, because I do love my father and my mother and my brothers. I just know they only love the girl they see. That's what I hate. My mother keeps telling me to dress like a girl, to be a normal girl, and honestly her acknowledging that I am not like your average female is the closest I'll ever get with her acknowledging that I'm trans. But I still love them, I love them so much, please don't think that they are bad people because they really aren't. I just cannot fucking stand how they continue to think that trans people aren't really trans or that being trans is 'demonic' its screwing with my head. I know they would never utter a bad word against a gay or trans person they met in real life but god the things they say when the curtains close.

Not to mention that all the stereotypes have ruined having children for me. I want children, I want to get married, but I can't! I can't get married! I can't have children because all I can think about is how that is the 'WOMAN'S POSITION' EVEN THOUGH ITS NOT! But if I ever have kids or get married, I will be shoved right into the 'I told you so' 'You're a woman!' I will be put in the feminine box, and I hate it! I will just be another woman who got married to a guy that pretends to be nice in public but is not so nice at best and full on abusive at worst behind the scenes which seems to be the constant with every woman I know. God forbid I ever married a woman!

Sorry that this was long, I really needed to rant. I'm honestly so grateful that the internet exists because I can't be out in real life, but I can be out online, even if no one actually knows who I am. Thank you for listening have a great day! I love your page so much it brings me so much comfort and joy!

i would get tf out of that environment as soon as you can. never apologize for feeling unhappy with that situation because most people would be, too. that sounds horrible, and i’m really really sorry that you have to go through that.

best of luck, brother.