#pissed at myself for not finishing chapter 11 before this

[charmac]

X

[callsign-magnolia]

Undiagnosed // Ch. 12

Jake Seresin x Neurodivergent OC

Summary: Katie Blair grew up trying to be the perfect daughter. She always struggled to be the prim and proper little girl her parents wanted. Big personality as a kid, but now at 25, she's the shy admiral's daughter who just keeps her head down and tries to get through law school. So what happens when she's had enough and with help from a certain Lieutenant, she gets out.

Warnings: Emotional abuse, trauma response, abusive parents.

Word Count: 6.4k

Chapter 11 | Masterlist

For the first week I was lost. The only reason I really got up was to feed Calypso which is what I named my new fish or to eat. I was still upset with Jake, or myself.I didn’t quite know. Part of me wants to ask him, but I couldn’t get a hold of him even if I wanted to. The other part of me is screaming that it’s not my fault he’s mad at me. He couldn’t be mad that I went to Phoenix’s. I left because of him and Kelly and I didn’t force him to lay on the couch and wait for me. But every day while I lay here I can’t help but think I did something wrong, and that’s the reason he didn’t wake me up. That I did something that pissed him off to the point he didn’t want to see me before he left for six weeks. My emotions were everywhere. One minute I was angry, the next I would cry, and sometimes I just didn’t care. If he didn’t want to see me, I don’t want to see him. There was one point for all of an hour I considered moving out but that was shot down quickly when I realized that I had no money, all of my friends were gone besides Kelly, and I probably couldn’t make it on my own if I tried. I finally dragged myself out of the bed roughly a week after they were deployed and went downstairs for lunch, seeing as I slept through breakfast. That’s another thing I realized, my sleep schedule is all out of whack. I usually get up when Jake gets back from his morning run, but without him here, I’ve been sleeping till all hours of the day. Once downstairs I opened the fridge and peered inside. I glanced through it and the freezer, finding we really only had vegetables and things for sides. No real food. 

I huffed and realized I had to go to the grocery store. So I stormed upstairs, pissed that my plans changed so suddenly. I didn’t want to go anywhere today. I wanted to stay here and finish up my last book and maybe find a movie to watch, but now I had to go to the damn store. I took what I thought was a quick shower, it was actually forty-five minutes. I was losing all sense of time. A simple shower and getting ready should only take me an hour or so, especially now that my hair is shorter. But it took me two hours to get ready. I simply blow dried my hair, put on some mascara in hopes I’d feel normal, and slipped on a light blue t-shirt dress. It was so hot outside today, I couldn’t even imagine wearing pants. I grabbed my glasses and slid them on before making my way downstairs. Jake told me a few days before he left that he was leaving me his credit card. I know he told me he was leaving it in one of the cabinets, tucked away but I couldn’t find it. I shoved my hand in every cabinet and even grabbed the step stool to look up on the top shelves. I was pretty sure Jake wouldn’t put it up that high but I had to check. 

I still hadn’t found it and I was so frustrated I could’ve screamed. I looked under the stack of mail, moved things around on the counter, wondering if it fell and after half an hour I still hadn’t found it. Rage bubbled within me. Where the hell did he fucking put it? It’s not like I could call him and ask where it was. I let out a yell of frustration and became even more angry when I saw the card and a note on the other side of the kitchen, tucked between the coffee pot and the wall. “I don’t know why the fuck he thought that was a good idea.” I sneered, slamming my hand down on the card and tucking it in my wallet before looking at the note. ‘Get whatever you want or need, darlin’. Plenty of money on it.’ I scoffed, crumpling it up and tossing it into the trash can. Darlin’ my ass. Even the nice words and the name pissed me off. I grabbed his truck keys and my purse before making my way out to his truck. I got in and shut the door, turning the ignition. The vents blasted hot air at first but then cooled down pretty quick. “Fucking mountain.” I remarked as I slowly moved the seat closer to the steering wheel. Once I was all situated I backed out of the driveway and drove out of the little neighborhood and towards the store. I was still mad, so much so I turned the radio off completely. I usually blast music but I just needed a silent drive. I was heading for the closest little market which was about fifteen minutes away. I didn’t want to be out longer than necessary. 

I leaned my elbow on the door and propped my head up as I pulled up to a red light. I sat there, waiting forever for the light to change and looked out my window. The car next to me looked slightly familiar, the silver color reflecting the sun off of it and into my eyes. But as I leaned over I caught sight of the familiar face of my mother. Thankfully, Jake’s truck sat higher than her car so as she looked out the passenger window she only saw the black exterior of the truck. I slammed back in my seat, hoping she didn’t just see me. My heart thudded in my chest and I squeezed my eyes shut as I attempted to calm myself. The honking of a horn made my eyes fly open and I slammed my foot on the gas, speeding off. Seeing my mother made me realize that I was about to go to the same grocery store as her and I quickly changed where I was heading. I drove an additional twenty minutes to the target on the north end of San Diego and felt a little better. I knew my parents never traveled farther than they had to, but I still felt uneasy. I walked into the store, opting for coffee from starbucks before I started my shopping. Although, coupled with the anxiety I just experienced it was probably a bad idea. But I didn’t care. I took my large coffee cup and grabbed a buggy before turning for the back of the store where the food sat. 

I couldn’t help but look over my shoulder occasionally, fearing one of my parents would be right behind me. I grabbed things such as ground beef, chicken, pasta, a few microwave or one pot meals. I took my time, scouring the aisles for anything I may need or want. As one person, cooking big meals was almost a waste so finding ways to cook single servings was the best way to go. With Jake I could make a full meal and he’d eat over half by himself. I left the grocery section, heading straight over to the book section and looked around every aisle. I found a few books that piqued my interest, one of them was called Twisted Love and the other, A Court Of Thorns and Roses. I was into older romance stories, Wuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, The Princess Bride but I felt like I should try something else. So I went for a more modern romance and a fantasy. I thought back to Jake’s note, ‘Get whatever you want or need.’ Smirking, I grabbed a few others that seemed interesting and went to check out. Once I paid I loaded everything into the car and decided to stop at Five Guys for a burger, fries and a milkshake and rushed home. The closer I got to the house, the more nervous I got. Seeing my mom made me realize I didn’t go far. Bumping into them is very much a real threat and now I understand why Jake was cautious about where he took me. 

Once I was home I rushed to get everything inside and locked the door behind me. I sighed in relief, knowing I was home and there was no way I could bump into my mother. Once everything was put away I sat on the couch with my food, deciding to eat while I watched a movie. One Natasha suggested was the Princess Bride. I had read the book dozens of times but I had never seen the movie. So I sat, ate and attempted to forget my mothers face. I thought I was totally safe here, but it’s not like I ran off to another country, I basically ran down the road. But as I sit here, a full stomach and my sweet tooth curbed, I can’t help but worry that my parents really know where I am. I tried to not worry, but it seems to be something I’m good at. Halfway through the movie I decided to lay down on the couch, maybe a nap would do me good. As the movie was coming to a close I could feel the exhaustion creeping in on me.

A loud bang woke me up and I jumped up in fear. The banging was coming from the front door, I could see it shaking from the force. I stared at it as I slowly stood from the couch, making my way over the window. I moved the curtains and the blinds only to see blackness. It was the type of black you see in underground tunnels and caves, you can’t see your hand in front of your face, the type that seeps into your bones and scares you to the core. I couldn’t even see the white railings that lined the front porch. The banging continued and I walked over,standing on my toes to look out the peephole. As I did so the banging stopped but I looked out the peephole to once again, find blackness. I sighed and lowered myself off my toes just as the wood on the door splintered and a large hand came through, grabbing the front of my dress and slamming me face first into the door before letting me go. I fell to the floor scrambling away from the door as the hand reached for the locks and turned them. The door slowly swung open to reveal my father. Everything was silent, save for my heaving breaths as I tried to breathe and fight the tears back. He simply stood there and I took the opportunity to get up and run. I went for the back door but it was gone. Why was it gone?! The garage door through the kitchen was gone as well and I panicked, rushing for the stairs. I would go into my room and lock the door before scaling down the lattice by my window. But as I started up the stairs my father was suddenly before me. His hand shot out before smacking me clear across the face and sending me head first into the banister before tumbling backwards down the stairs. 

Pain blossomed across my face as I sat up with a yell. I pulled my hand away to see blood on it and the carpet. “Oh, it was just a dream.” I sighed out. I heard my phone buzz and saw it was a facetime from Bradley. Excitement swelled within me and I immediately answered. “Hang on.” I called, standing and rushing to the bathroom with my phone. “Well hello to you too.” He remarked. “Everything okay?” He asked. “Yeah, I just had a nightmare and I’ve seemed to roll off the couch and I hit my nose on the coffee table.” I answered as I wiped the blood from my face. “Let me see?” He asked and I sighed, propping up the phone so he could see me. “Damn.” That’ll probably bruise.” He said. “I know.” It went quiet for a moment before he spoke up. “What was the nightmare about?” He asked. “My dad broke in. All the doors disappeared so I was forced up the stairs…” I trailed off. “Then he smacked me and sent me backwards down the stairs. I must’ve been moving around a lot on the couch and fell off, smacking my face on the coffee table.” I said. 

“How often do you have nightmares?” He asked. “I haven’t had them in a few weeks. But…” He raised a brow at me. “But what?” He asked. I chewed on my bottom lip. “I went to the store today and when I stopped at a red light… I saw my mom.” He was silent, his lips pursed in a line and I couldn’t quite tell his emotions. “Are you sure it was her?” He asked and I nodded. “One hundred percent positive.” “And did she see you?” He asked and I shook my head. “I don’t think so. At least, she didn’t look right at me.” I said. “Good.” He said and I walked out of the bathroom and into my room where I flopped down onto my bed. “Woah, your bed’s not made?” He asked and I shook my head. “Nope.” I was usually uptight about my bed. It had to be made or else I wouldn't sleep good. Sleeping in an already messy bed stressed me out for some reason. “Katie? How long have you been in bed?” He asked and a blush crept up my cheeks. “Don’t lie to me.” He added. “Today was the first day I really got up.” I answered. “God. Hangman is gonna lose his mind.” He said and I sat up. “You aren’t gonna say shit to him.” I said and he raised a brow. “He doesn’t get to know every little thing that’s going on with me, especially since he left without waking me, saying goodbye, nothing.” I spat. 

“I’m sensing some anger.” He said. “If you were getting deployed, and you asked someone if you should wake them up the next morning to go to the docks with you or at least say goodbye, would you do it?” He raised a brow as if that was a dumb question. “Of course I would.” He answered before he gasped. “Jake didn’t say goodbye.” I shook my head. “No, he didn’t and I can’t help but think it’s because he’s mad at me. But I didn’t force him to sleep on the couch and wait for me to come home.” I had started pacing at this point, my phone propped up on my pillow so he could see me. “Wait, what am I missing?” He asked and I realized he probably has no idea what I’m talking about. I flopped onto the bed, lying on my stomach as I looked at my phone. “The night before you guys left, I heard Jake and Kelly… having sex.” His eyebrows shot up. “That’s weird, Hangman says Kelly is always worried someone would hear and he can hardly get her to say a word in bed.” I brushed it off. “Yeah, well she didn’t seem to care that night. But I went to Natasha's for a while. I felt like I was intruding but I came back home really late and he was asleep on the couch.” Bradley hummed and nodded. “He didn’t seem mad when he got up. He asked if I wanted him to wake me up before he left and I said yes, but then I woke up and y’all were long gone.” I said, letting my head fall to my mattress. 

“Katie, I don’t think he did it out of spite.” He said and I huffed. “Then why else would he leave without saying goodbye? It makes no sense!” He shrugged. “I-I don’t know. It’s so unlike him.” He said and I heard a door open on his end. I sniffled, wiping my tears before they fell. “Aw, Katie. Don’t cry, please.” He said and I sat up, sitting cross legged in front of my phone. “Katie?” I groaned as I heard Jake’s voice on the other end. “What’s wrong? C’mon darlin’, talk to me!” He said and I scoffed, scowling and I flipped my phone face down on the comforter. “Katie?” Jake called. “What the fuck did you do to her?” I assume his question was towards Bradley. “What did I do? I think you might want to be asking yourself that, bagman.” Bradley snapped back. “Me?!” He asked, shocked. “Katie, darlin’. Talk to me please.” I knew it was childish, the way I was acting, but I knew if I even looked at him I would give in. “Katie, c’mon. You’re scaring me, I’m worried.” 

I grabbed the phone, flipping it over and glaring at him through the screen. He seemed to notice the anger in my eyes and leaned back in surprise. “Oh, you’re worried? Bless your heart.” I said before setting my phone back down. “Wha-You-” He stumbled over his words until he found the right ones. “You don’t get to insult me like that!” He called out and I rolled my eyes. “This is my call with her you know, not yours.” I grabbed my phone again. “Yeah, this is mine and Bradley’s call. So why don’t you find something else to do, without saying goodbye.” I snapped and Bradley snickered at Jake’s confusion. “What?” Bradley laughed at him. “Just leave us alone, Jake. I don’t want to talk to you right now.” I said and Bradley snatched the phone. “Yeah, she doesn’t wanna talk to you.” He said, walking out of his and Jake’s room. “You know he’s going to pout all day.” He said and I rolled my eyes. “Let him. Like I care.” I spat and he just grinned at me. “You know you care.” He said and while I wouldn’t admit it, I do hate making Jake feel bad but I’m so angry with him. “Can we change the subject?” I asked and he nodded with a smile. “Wanna see something?” He asked and I nodded. He turned the phone around and I saw a beautiful view of the ocean and what seemed to be a sun rise. “Oh my god.” I gasped out. “Bradley, it’s beautiful.” I said and he turned the phone back around, a giant grin on his face. “Isn’t it?” He asked and I nodded. 

“Hey, Bradley?” I asked and he hummed in acknowledgement. "Why did you use your call on me?" I asked and he just smiled. "Truth?" I nodded. "I've never had anyone to call on deployments." My heart broke for him. I could never imagine being so far away for so long and never having anyone to call and talk to. "I knew Hangman would use his calls to talk to Kelly, so I wanted to call you. Keep you updated, and just talk to you." He said with a grin. "With an answer like that, Jake may believe you really do have romantic feelings for me." I joked and he laughed. "If it gets him to admit his own feelings then good!" I gave him a small smile. "He doesn't have feelings for me, Rooster. Besides, if he did he wouldn’t have left without at least leaving a note.” I said. “You just don’t see it.” I scoffed. “See what? The way he looks at his girlfriend?” I asked, chuckling at the end. “I’m telling you, Katie. There’s something there.” I rolled my eyes at him and we continued our conversation, without the mention of Jake. Once we were done I went upstairs and got ready for bed. My nose still hurts from my fall and I’m sure I would have a nasty bruise just like Bradley said. But thankfully, I’m ninety-nine percent sure that it is not broken. As I laid in bed that night I couldn’t help but realize some of my anger had faded away. Jake telling me he was worried, made me a little pleased. It was so easy for me to give in to him and all because of my own stupid feelings. But I couldn’t just let this go so easily, couldn’t be weak. My thoughts cast me off into sleep, one that thankfully was nightmare free. 

I spent the next few days reading and trying to think of what else to do with my time. I had my next therapy session in two weeks and I quickly remembered I told Dr. Davis I would apply to some nursing programs. So I spent a few days applying to a few programs, ones that I would have a decent chance of getting in. The thought of going back to school scared me, but I knew that I would regret not even trying. I was cleaning a few days later, about a week after Bradley called me when the doorbell rang. I froze in the middle of my mopping and looked out of the kitchen and towards the front door. I slowly stalked forwards, standing on my toes and looking out the peephole. I was relieved to see Kelly’s face, looking straight at the door so I swung it open with a large smile. “Hi!” I greeted cheerfully. She gave me a small smile and stepped inside. She hung up her purse like usual and walked into the kitchen. “Oh! Be careful! I was in the middle of mopping!” I called, following after her. She didn’t seem to notice nor care as she traipsed across the clean floors and opened the fridge. “No beer?” She asked and I shook my head. “I don’t drink it.” I said. “Well Jake does.” I nodded, a little caught off guard by her stern tone. “Well he finished the last of them before he left and I plan to get some closer to the time of him coming home.” I responded as she pulled out a water bottle.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked and she hummed. “Is Jake mad at me?” I asked. She pursed her lips, sighing. “I wouldn’t say mad. More annoyed.” My face and hopes fell. “Oh…” I said. “It’s just… you’re always around.” She said. “We keep trying for alone time and you’re just there. Like the night before he shipped out. We had to change up everything so as not to disturb you and you still left.” I bit my lip, looking down at my bare feet. “I’m sorry. If you had asked me to leave I would’ve.” I replied. “But we shouldn’t have to.” She snapped and my head hung even more if possible. “You just follow Jake around like a lost puppy and it’s even getting on my nerves.” She said and I furrowed my brows. “Does it bother Jake?” I asked. “Of course it bothers him!” She said loudly. “It bothers the both of us.” I opened my mouth to reply but didn’t know what to say. “Maybe it’s time you find somewhere else to live.” She said and I could practically feel myself go pale. “I think I'd rather talk to Jake about this.” I said, standing tall. “It is his house and he did invite me to stay… So I’ll talk to him about it.” She scoffed. “He’s going to tell you the same thing I just did. Better to leave before he gets home and avoid the awkwardness.” She grinned at me and all the anger that I’ve had pent up came to the surface. My fists clenched at my sides, my nails making crescent shapes in my palms. 

“Is that all you have to say?” I asked, the anger evident in my voice. She just grinned at me. “Did I strike a nerve?” She asked mockingly. “Yeah. You fucking did.” She seemed surprised by my honesty. “I don’t know what kind of satisfaction you’re getting from coming here and telling me these things, but you're done.” I snapped. “It’s not your house.” She said, taking a step closer. “It’s not yours either.” Her face fell. She thought she was clever. “Now please leave.” Her eyes glanced at my fists and she noticed the shaking. “I will leave you with this reminder. Jake is my boyfriend and you will never take him from me.” I scoffed in her face. “And I’ll leave you with a reminder. The world does not revolve around you and I don’t want your fucking boyfriend. You can keep him and I hope that you have the life you deserve with him.” I sneered. “Now leave.” She stood before me, her face mere inches from my own. Her breath fanned against my face and I could smell alcohol. “And brush your fucking teeth when you get home. That’s disgusting.” Her hand immediately flew to her mouth before she stormed towards the door. She grabbed her purse from the hook but it got caught and instead of lifting it, she yanked it and the force pulled the board with the hooks off the wall. “Fuck you!” I yelled as she slammed the door behind her. “Now I have to clean this shit up.” 

A few hours later I had cleaned everything up and finished the rest of the house before pouring myself a glass of wine. Before I could even take my first sip my phone started ringing and as I lifted it, Jake’s name flashed across the screen. I slammed it down on the table and stared at it. I took a sip and was going to let it continue to ring, but decided to answer at the last second. “Hey, darlin’.” He said with a big smile and I propped my phone up. “We need to talk.” My voice was stern and it shocked him. “What happened to your nose? What’s going on?” He asked. “My nose doesn’t matter. If you wanted me gone Jake, you should’ve fucking told me. What did you just want a house sitter while you were gone? Just decided to wait till you came home to tell me to find somewhere else to live?” I snapped. “What are you talking about?” He asked, brows furrowing. “Don’t play dumb. Kelly told me how I was getting on your nerves and that I need to find somewhere else to live.” His eyebrows shot up and he leaned back slightly. “Woah! Hold on!” I shook my head. “No! You should’ve told me! If you want me gone, if you’re mad that I’m interrupting your alone time with your girlfriend, you should’ve told me!” I yelled out as I stood. “I can be reasonable if you’re honest with me! But dammit, Jake! I have spent so much of my life around lies, I can’t just let that go!” “Katie. Darlin’-” “Don’t fucking call me that.” I interrupted and he nodded. “Katie. I never lied to you and I never would. I don’t know what Kelly was saying, but I sent her over there to check on you.” 

“She sure checked in! Busted up in here and told me all about how I was wrecking your relationship and that I needed to find somewhere else to live, and how you’re her boyfriend and I will never steal you from her. Newsflash, I don’t fucking want you.” I snapped. Saying that to Kelly didn’t phase me, but saying it to Jake, that hurt. “Wait what?” He asked loudly. “Yeah. So you get your wish. I won’t be here when you get home.” I said. “No! Katie? Katie please!” He yelled as I stood up. “What?” If steam could be rolling out of my ears, I'm sure it would. I was shaking. I was so mad. But also upset. I should've known better than to hold out hope that this would work out. Nobody can handle you. You run every one off. “Darlin’, please. Don’t leave.” His eyes were misty as tears filled them and a part of me felt bad. “Please. Don’t leave.” Was he… begging? “Why shouldn’t I?” I asked. “Because whatever Kelly said, it’s a lie. I didn’t lie, she is.” I furrowed my brows. “You’re calling your own girlfriend a liar?” I asked, surprised. “Yes. Because she’s lying. I don’t want you to leave. Katie, if anything I never want you to leave. I’ve grown so used to having you in the house and I don’t want you to leave.” 

“Wh-why don’t you stay there and we’ll talk when I get home.” I sat back, huffing. “Jake-” “Katie. Please.” He said sternly. “Please, just stay.” My jaw tensed. “I will be here when you get home. But we are having a talk that day, no putting it off.” He nodded. “Good. Great!” He said. “But if I want to leave, you won’t stop me.” I said and his face fell. “If I stay we have to have a serious talk about what we’re gonna do moving forward because I am so fucking tired of assuming you’re angry with me everytime I turn around.” I said, tears of my own forming. “Katie, I’ve never been remotely angry with you.” He said and I sighed. “Let’s talk when you come home. I’m exhausted.” I said and he nodded. “Alright, darlin’. I’ll see you in four weeks.” He said. “Bye, Jake.” He barely said goodbye before I hung up and chugged the entire glass of wine. This was going to be a long four weeks. I thought before getting up and grabbing the bottle. “Might as well keep this nearby.” I muttered as I strolled over to the couch, flopping down on it. 

The following week was my therapy appointment and as soon as I sat down in Dr. Davis’ office, my leg was shaking. “I’m sorry I was late. I can’t seem to get myself together lately.” I said and she shook her head. “No! It’s okay, it was one minute!” She said but I couldn’t help but feel like she was actually upset with me. “Are you sure?” I asked. “I’m not upset or frustrated with you if that’s what you're asking.” She said. “Do you often feel like people are upset with you?” She asked and I nodded. “Let’s talk about that.” I explained everything, from my parents constantly being upset with me, to feeling like Jake is angry with me. We had started EMDR which was a little weird at first. My eyes were closed and I was tapping my knees in a steady rhythm, “I didn’t tell him why I thought he was mad.” She hummed and immediately I felt nauseous. “Are you okay?” She asked as I opened my eyes. “No, I feel nauseous.” She nodded, jotting some stuff down. “You seem to feel everything physically. The dizziness, the nausea.” She said and I took a few deep breaths, the nausea slowly subsiding.

“How do you feel about the situation with Jake now?” She asked. “It’s an eight.” She nodded. “Good! We started at a ten and we’ve already gotten it down to an eight! Just remember you may not feel like this is resolved until you talk to him.” I nodded. “Now, let’s talk about nursing school.” She said and I practically jumped in my seat. “Yes! I applied to three programs!” She smiled. “Good, which ones?” She asked and I told her. “Those aren’t very respected schools. Their graduation rates are low.” She said. “Yeah but… I struggle in school, a lot, and I think these are the only ones that will take me.” She shook her head and started writing. “I want you to apply to these two schools.” She said and handed me the paper. “San Diego State University, University of San Diego? These are the best schools in the city.” She nodded. “I don’t think I’ll get in.” She just smiled at me. “You’ll never know until you try.” She said and I stared at the paper. Once I apply to these two I will have applied to five. “What if I don’t get into any of them?” I asked. “Then we’ll figure out what to do in the meantime and if you want, you can apply again next year.” With that my session was over and I walked out to the truck, the paper clutched in my hand. Once I got in and got the air flowing I looked down at it. “She’s crazy to think I will get in.”

I set the paper down on the table when I got home. I couldn’t think about it right now, my mind was swirling between Jake, the Kelly issue and school. I decided to get lost in a book, I decided to open up Twisted Love. Maybe a little romance will make me feel better. I laid on the couch as I read and had wine and pizza for dinner. It took me a few days to work up the courage to apply and it was Bradley who convinced me too. “So why haven’t you applied?” He asked as I sat on the couch eating a sandwich. “What if I don’t get in?” I asked. “Sounds like a dumb reason to not apply.” He said, making me frown. “You think?” I asked and he nodded. “I know. You should apply! If they say no then you can always apply again next year.” He said and I sighed. “But what will I do if I don’t get in? I can’t just sit around and wait a whole year.” He chuckled. “We’ll figure something out. Why don’t you just do it?” He asked. “I guess I really don’t have a reason not to.” He nodded. “If anything, you have every reason to do it.” He was right. “Okay, I’ll do it once we get off the phone.” I said. “Just so you know, Jake has been pouting since your call.” He said and I giggled. “You haven’t told him?” I asked and he grinned at me. “Absolutely not. I’m enjoying this way too much.” He said. “Has he asked?” He nodded. “At least once a day, and when he realized I knew why you were mad he’s taken to practically begging me to tell him.” I giggled at his words. 

“Well I guess it’s almost time for you to go to bed.” He said as I yawned and then I nodded. “Yeah, but I’m gonna send in those two applications before I go to bed.” I said. “You sure you’re not too tired?” He asked and I nodded. “I’ll sleep better if I go ahead and send them in. They’ve been stressing me out every time I think about them.” I said. “Makes sense. Well I’ll let you send those in and I’ll call you next week.” He said. “Alright. Bye, Bradley.” I said and he waved before the call ended. I took a deep breath before going upstairs and going into Jake’s room. It smelled like him and always made me feel better. I snagged his laptop that he’s been allowing me to use and went downstairs. I sat on the couch for an hour sending these two in before I got ready for bed. I put Jake’s laptop back in his room and turned to leave but I stopped in the doorway. Smelling his cologne brought me comfort and I hadn’t been sleeping the best. Maybe I could just snag one of his shirts. I made my way to his dresser and opened the drawer, it was mostly boxers and socks so I closed it and opened the one below it. 

I found a burnt orange longhorn shirt and it smelled strongly of Jake. Is it weird for me to wear his shirt? “It’ll be washed and back in his drawer before he ever gets home.” I took the shirt into my room and slipped it on. I looked in my mirror and honestly, I looked good in his shirt and white thong. If Kelly ever found out she’d lose it, but who gives a fuck what she thinks anymore. I crawled into bed and grabbed my book again. I was about halfway through the book and was growing tired until I read the words, ‘On your knees.’ My face burned and I closed the book. “Did I just read that?” I had never read smut before and part of me felt embarrassed. The other part of me had to continue. So I opened the book back up and read on. My entire body was burning as I read and with the smell coming from the shirt I had on, I could only think of Jake and I. Specifically, Jake and I in this situation. An entire weekend hidden away to do nothing but explore each other’s bodies. “Oh my god.” I said, slamming the book shut. “I did not just think that.” I said before setting the book down and rolling over in bed. “I just have to put it out of my mind.” I muttered but it took forever to fall asleep, the ache between my legs was strong but finally I drifted off. But of course Jake was an ever present figure in my dream.

After that I couldn’t pick the book back up, so I started A Court of Thorns and Roses instead. But at this point I also couldn’t fall asleep without wearing Jake’s shirt, so all night his scent wafted around me and he was constantly in my dreams. It was about three days after I sent in the applications that I started receiving emails about the nursing programs. So far I was asked to come in and interview for two and as I prepared dinner, my phone dinged again with another email. I wiped my hands clean and picked up my phone. I opened the email and smiled, ‘Miss Blair, congratulations on moving on to the next stage of the application process. We would love to have you in for a panel interview next week to see if you would be a good candidate for our program.’ I squealed as I looked at the logo for San Diego State University. Between them, United States University and the University of San Diego, I had to get into one, right? I immediately sent an email to Bradley and Natasha in my excitement, but I asked them to keep it quiet. I wanted to email Jake so badly, but I was still so mad at him. I needed these few weeks to hurry by so I could get everything sorted out, but with all the dreams I’ve been having I don’t even know if I could look him in the eye anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taglist: @wkndwlff @alltimereverie @cherrycola27 @daisydaisygoose @rosiahills22 @deanoheartspie @cornishkat @high-speed-r @fogle97 @mygyn @ohgodnotagainn @emma8895eb @senjoritanana @kmc1989 @sandaltoesocks @mayhemmanaged @dempy @itsdesiree86 @sunderland-6 @jstarr86 @brooke-stinson @rachkon @topguncultleader @bethbunnyy @topgun-imagines @clancycucumber230 @seitmai @kkrenae @djs8891 @shanimallina87 @wildxwidow @eugene-emt-roe @hisredheadedgoddess28 @littlewhiterose @formulapierre @wade-wilsons-chew-toy @bethabear12 @halstead-severide-fan @gg-trini @memeorydotcom @schreksdoubledeckerhomechecker @inthestars-underthesun @praline357 @fanboyluvr @greaser9902

[akehoshimystar]

Chapter 10

Together We Make the Strongest!

By Misora (@alcmisoyou on X)

Soyogu: We’re done here.

Shizuka: “Got it, then the request is complete. Let’s group up.”

Soyogu: Roger that.

Shinobu: Roger that!

……Hahh! This means another mission is complete!

As I thought, the two of us together make the strongest!

Soyogu: Hey, I don’t mind you getting all excited but don’t start saying something so embarrassing. 

Shinobu: But we were too nice of a combination this time, don’t you think so?

But doesn’t Gucchi think so too? Both of us are too nice of a combination this time.

Of course, it’s ‘cause we’ve got Shizuka-san’s amazing strategy, and the relief that Mika-nee got our backs, too!

Even so, the two of us together are the strong-est, best part-ner! ……Or what I felt like saying.

Soyogu: Flattering yourself makes you sound like a small fry instead, so stop.

Well, I get that we were especially really at it today.

It actually felt like we were working together. It was different from when I was paired up with Anego. 

Shinobu: I know, right?

Of course, we will be completely in sync no matter who we pair up with.

You see, when it's Mika-nee with Gucchi, rather than working together as a duo. It just feels like two of the strongest rampaging on their own.

Soyogu: Doesn’t that mean I’m already the strongest when I’m by myself?

Shinobu: Ehh, don’t say something so lonely!

Soyogu: I won’t comment anymore.

*phone ringtone*

Soyogu: Hm? There’s a message from Anego.

……We’ll have an afterparty right after the meeting so buy something before grouping up.

Shinobu: Ooh, roger that!

Well then, let’s get to shopping as the strongest combo and finish with a bang!

Soyogu: Besides calling me Gucchi, it seems like you like to come up with shit that pisses me off. 

……Okay, I got it. Let’s get this over with as the strongest duo, in per-fect harmony.

Shinobu: Ah.

Soyogu: What?

Shinobu: Nothing~…… It just feels quite embarrassing when another person says it.

Soyogu: Hey, you shouldn’t double-cross me.

Chapter 11

[thebiscuiteternal]

got tagged by both @mostlikelytofangirl and @jaimebluesq, so i guess i'm not getting out of it.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

107, unless you were to count the chapters of the big archive separately, in which case 234 (oof).

2. What's your total AO3 word count? 706,507

3. What fandoms do you write for?

On my own wherewithal, I'm pretty entrenched in MDZS. But by request, I'll still write for MLP, Madoka Magica, (with some reluctance) Voltron, and others.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Including the archive feels like cheating to me, so just on standalone stories:

Cracked and Scratched, Not Broken - Super Danganronpa 2 - 581

Another Cute Animal Video - Tiger and Bunny - 536

The Puppetmaster Moves The War - Star Wars - 401

And One In the Cage - Mo Dao Zu Shi - 392

Finding Balance - Tiger and Bunny - 379

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I didn't used to when I first started on Ao3 (I did all the time on Livejournal), but I'm starting to be more open, especially if someone has a question about the characterization or worldbuilding.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

(scratches head) Good question. Probably... either All Your Sins on Display (Instead of Nie Mingjue, it's Nie Huaisang's death Jin Guangshan demands, and though Jin Guangyao goes through with it, he immediately regrets it, especially when Huaisang's unwitting ghost appears) or Broken-Down Fairytale (Tarvek and Anevka Sturmvoraus dealing with her impending death as a result of their father's obsession with The Other).

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Mmmmh.... I dunno what the objectively happiest ending is, but the one that made me the happiest for the characters was Medical. Allura has her mom back, Coran's managed to reconnect with some old friends and is in a comfortable relationship with Shiro, and Zarkon's dead and the Empire is on the back foot.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've had a few run-ins with the weird Huaisang hater that pops up every now and then, but nah, not really. I used to get more in my LJ days.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not anymore. I was never particularly good at it and I mostly was just writing it for easy attention anyway. Best I leave it to those who actually have some skill.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I do occasionally if an idea nests long enough, but not nearly as often as I used to. Probably my oldest and weirdest one was in high school, when a friend and I did one of those "cram every role this person has played into a space station" plots and for some inexplicable reason we chose anime characters who'd been dubbed by Scott McNeil???

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes, ages and ages ago in Sonic the Hedgehog fandom. It didn't take me long to quit caring, the story was crap anyway.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

A few times. Spanish and Russian.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Ohohoho have I. So many back in my Marvel and Fullmetal Alchemist days.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Nuh-uh, I'm not falling into that trap.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Worldbuilding, inter-character feelings.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Mostly over-planning an idea until it feels too big and complicated to finish. And fight scenes. My god I hate writing fight scenes, and it pisses me off that I usually end up having to do at least one in every long fic.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Hah. No. I do that bracketed or italicized shit instead because I know I will butcher any attempt and I'd rather not embarrass myself.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Sonic the Hedgehog was baby's first real internet fandom.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Whichever ones I've actually finished.

Uuuuhhhhh, I have no idea who's done this and who hasn't, so I'm gonna throw it at @tavina-writes, @gffa, @banahbanah, and @fountainstranger.

[wetcatspellcaster]

20 Q's for Fic Writers

Thanks @redrocketpanda for tagging me ^_^

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

11! 9 completed, 2 WIPs.

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

:)))))))) 831,063 :)))))))))) I don't wanna talk about it.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I am a fantasy videogames girlie, with a brief foray into Darklina sickness. I have written for BG3, Dragon Age, and Shadow and Bone.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

Party Favours at 1,804

The Stars Don't Shine They Burn at 1,196

A Bleeding Heart at 1,133

Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth at 1,026

Eye of the Storm at 645

Before this year I had no fics over 1,000 kudos, so that was a cool development in 2023!

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to reply to everything, unless I am crippled by depression (or crippled by illness)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

That goes to!!! Sunblindness!!! The only time I've foregone 'I can fix him' for 'I can make him worse (and I deserve to, as a treat)'.

I was actually planning to end that fic with a major character death and then a close friend was like "jfc this is what people read for fun Emma, chill the fuck out"

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

The happiest ending is probably Party Favours? But I also think Stars Don't Shine They Burn with the 'I can't fix him I can make him fix himself, but at my end, I can also make us immortal soulmates' tied up pretty neatly, and I was very proud of it at the time.

(Also shout out to A Man's Word is His Bond for being the final chapter I'm happiest with.)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Nope, not yet! I've had some entitled comments and a few mansplainers, and if anyone sends a WRITE MOAR comment when I have 9 completed fics and over 800k for people to read if they want to, I'll likely become pissed. But no hate!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Queen of the Fade to Black, the moment anyone touches anything racier than a waist when I'm the one behind the keyboard I start blushing :')))))))))

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I have written one whole crossover, my darklina Shadow and Bone/Stardust AU, and tbh it sent me pretty feral at the time.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes :-) twice I think. it's fine.

12. There was no question 12 so I'll make one up myself: What's the longest you've ever spent working on one fic? And the shortest?

Screaming, crying, throwing up. I remember the Emma who used to only post fics once they were fully drafted. I remember writing a Zevran/Warden fic in a week in the height of living alone in lockdown. I also remember writing A Bleeding Heart in a worryingly brief 3-week period.

Then I got hit with the crippling depression. The longest I've spent working on a fic is 19 months for Sunblindness when I got the Big Sads.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! Not a group projects girlie. I'm here to cater to me and me alone.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

Lol. Of the ones I've written for, it's a tie between Zevran/Surana and Astarion/Tav, as their dynamics were the funnest (seems rogue/mage is my jam). Of all time, it's Spike/Buffy - I have no need to write for them bc I am already well fed.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have a Darklina Wintersmith AU that I have 2 out of 3 chapters down for and then BG3 full release happened. But the depressing answer to this question is 'original fiction projects' - I want to try and write something original but my confidence always fails me. I'm trying to transfer the things I enjoy about fic to original stuff to combat it but I'm not there yet!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Idk man, who could say? I think I'm good at dialogue/banter bc that's the compliment I receive most often in comments. I also think that if I've got a plot-twist in mind from the very beginning, I usually land it? The rest of the plot might be squiggly and messy as fuck, but if a scene was there when the fic was dreamt up (the ending of Sunblindness, the stag scene in my Stardust!AU, the agoraphobia reveal in A Bleeding Heart, the study scene in Pieces, etc.) then it usually ends up being received well and being exactly the way I pictured it in my head.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Can't write smut!!! It's the only thing holding me back!!!

(also if I have the choice between describing something in a sentence or in 3 paragraphs, I usually pick 3 paragraphs. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is a fucking travesty. See answer to question 2!)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Amazing and encouraged but not something I can do, as I am bad at languages so it would just end up being a colonial hate crime facilitated by google translate.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Dragon Age: Inquisition!

20. Favourite fic you've written?

Despite the way that Full Access recontextualises it, my favourite fic is absolutely A Bleeding Heart. It was so much fun to write, it was my first time doing unreliable narration, and I was really proud of the plot twist in the final chapter. Also for someone who doesn't write smut, the fact that I got a friend to walk out of their house with the hair-pulling scene made me very smug tbh.

Tagging anyone who wants to do this!! I have made a bunch of new friends and mutuals lately, so if you're a writer and you want to answer these qus please do this so I can see your answers.

[mrsaguapapi]

Ch 1  Ch 2  Ch 3  Ch 4  Ch 5  Ch 6  Ch 7  Ch 8  Ch 9  Ch 10  Ch 11 Ch 12  Ch 13  Ch 14 Ch 15

Chapter 16

PDA

We're about 2 beers in of this 30 min interrogation tag teamed by Foggy and Matt when Namor excuses himself to use the bathroom. He kisses me on my cheek, "Jáan in yaakunaj ' I'll be back my love' " he says

"Taan pa'atik ' I'll be waiting," I say smiling before he walks away; I watch him waiting to speak before I'm sure he's out of earshot, "Alright yall knock it off," I say pointing at them

"Knock what off?" Foggy fakes innocence, then breaks out in laughter, "Cut the shit, who is he really?"

"Obviously I can't say, not my truth to tell. Karen help me out here" I half beg

"Lay off guys, I'm sure they have their reasons" she pauses, "But um-" she clears her throat "what about the ears?"

"What's wrong with his ears?" Matt asks

"They're pointy" Foggy and Karen say in unison

"Pointy? Like an elf?" Matt says

"Alright, Alright. Let's not act like a mysterious man with pointy ears is the craziest thing to ever happen in this city. His identity is a secret for a reason, kind of reminds me of someone" I say looking at Matt, "Can we respect that?"

"She's looking at me isn't she," Matt says

"Yep" Foggy laughs

"Yes we can respect that" Karen speaks up for them

"Thank you" I relax," I've missed you guys" I laugh

"We miss you, which reminds me, we have something for you! Foggy walk me to my car real quick" Karen says pulling Foggy from his seat and scurrying away.

"We'll be back" Foggy groans and waves his hand

With both of them gone it was just Matt and me all alone, "So how have you been alter boy?" I laugh taking a sip of beer

"I've been good actually, kind of seeing this girl" Matt Smiles

"No way! Tell me about her"

"She's a lawyer in LA, her current focus is in superhuman law"

"What's her name, I'm gonna look her up" I laugh menacingly

"Jennifer Walters," He says

"No" I gasp

"I take it you've heard of her," he says smiling to himself

"Have I HEARD of her? Am I a human woman on social media? Of course I have. How the hell did you pull the 'She Hulk'?"

"I mean she kinda 'pulled' me"

"Omg, you slut! Is it serious?" I ask

"I mean I met her family and we talk every day, so yea?" he softly laughs

"Matthew Murdock you cheeky devil," I say holding his hand "I'm happy for you"

Squeezing my hand back, "I'm happy for you too, you sound content" he says

"Very" I laugh to myself

At that moment I feel someone touch my lower back and I automatically assume it's Namor and I lean into him but I quickly move when I see an unrecognizable hand wrap around me.

The Vibe:

Black And Gold - Sam Sparro

"Get off her" I hear Matt say as I shove this creep off me and turn around. The man touching me was the stereotypical douchebag, he had a nasty unkept beard, was balding, and reeked of liquor. He was accompanied by 2 equally disgusting friends who smelled of piss and cigarettes

"Sorry sweetheart I couldn't help myself," the creep says trying to touch my hair.

"Don't touch me" I say smacking his hand

"When you're dressed like that you're asking for it" he replies laughing

I sense Matt walk up to my side ready to defend me but I hold my arm out stopping him.

"What are you gonna do? You're a blind dumbass. Can't even see how hot this piece of ass is" he drunkenly laughs with his friends, causing a small crowd to form around us.

"Let me make this clear enough for you," I say stepping up closer to him, "You have a better chance of sprouting wings than you do getting into my pants"

"Come on baby, I could give you a good time," he says grabbing his crotch

"I'd rather fuck a cactus" I plainly say

He spits beside my feet, "You Cun-" Before he could finish I grab his neck firmly squeezing and lifting him, successfully cutting off his airway. The room was filled with gasps and whispers of fear.

"Finish it," I say as he gasps for air and pulls and punches at my arm, "Finish what you were going to say" he continues to choke now kicking his feet.

I loosen my grip a bit so he can speak, "Put-" He coughs "Put me down"

His friends begin to yell and walk up to me so they could help their friend, "Touch me and you're fucking next" I say without even looking at them, causing them to quickly stop.

"I think that's enough Millie" Matt speaks up

Ignoring him I continue, "Are you going to respect women?"

"Fuck You" he chokes out.

Filled with unbridled rage, I squeeze his throat again, and he begins to turn red coughing and gasping for air, "The answer I was looking for was 'Yes'" I say practically hissing, "I'm getting real tired of being touched by assholes like you. Fucking pathetic" I seeth

"Put him down Ki'ichpan, you'll kill him" I hear Namor speak up stepping from behind the man, "Ta vale le pena K'astal junxóot' a humanidad 'Is he worth losing a piece of your humanity?'" he says lightly touching my shoulder

Finding a moment of clarity I snap out of it and I sigh. Rolling my eyes I drop him face-first on the floor. As he coughs finally breathing air, I walk up to him and bend down lifting his head and whispering in his ear:

Bad intentions, divine interventions.

Convictions of disgrace shall call upon my face

"Now anytime you decide to disrespect women, you'll see my face and remember this moment." I pause letting that sink in for a moment, "Have a good night!" I playfully whisper and tap his head before standing up abruptly dropping his head to the floor.

"Sorry Josie," Matt says to the woman behind the bar

I echo Matts's words, "Sorry Josie" I nervously laugh

"No need," she says "Get him the hell out of here," pointing to the creeps friends. They quickly help him up and drag him out of the bar.

"What just happened," Karen asks as she and foggy walk-in

After we all sit back down, I bring them up to speed, "He should be thankful I didn't permanently hurt him, just his ego" I laugh

"What did you whisper to him?" Namor asks

"Bad intentions, divine interventions. Convictions of disgrace shall call upon my face." Matt repeats, "She cursed him"

"You what?!" Foggy asks

"Not all curses are bad, this one will teach him a lesson. Be happy I didn't cause him impotence" I Scoff finishing my beer.

Namor whispers to my ear, " Yaan k'intaj ti' u llegaras leti'e' yáax, tu habría kiinsik ti' le acto. 'He's lucky you got to him first, I would have killed him on the spot " he says causing a shiver to go down my spine

Whispering back to him, " Wa teene' ma' in tsa'ayaj, Teeche' ma' a ' If I can't, you can't" I half laugh, "Yuumbo'otik je'elel in. Ma' in wojel ba'ax Ku taal yóok'ol 'Thank you for stopping me. I don't know what came over me "

Still whispering in my ear, "Mantats' táan in waye' teechi 'I'm always here for you' " he says, "Bejla'e', ti' jump'éel Páaybe'en asab seria, táan u yuk'ik tuláakal in muuk' yo'osal ma' atar a jump'éel pak'o' yéetel follar a kíinsa'ab tu táan tuláakal ' Now on a more serious note, It's taking all of my strength to not pin you to this table and fuck you in front of everyone.' " he says as he roughly grabs my ass under my skirt.

"Comportar u 'Behave' " I say looking at him, "Lelo' a chen advertencia, 'That's your only warning'" I say smiling and booping his nose

"You guys make me want to throw up," Karen says laughing at us, "Here," She says handing me a gift bag, "Before I forget, I know we're like 2 weeks early but, Happy Re-Birthday!" She squeals

"Oh you guys, thank you" I smile

"Re-birthday?" Namor asks

"It's the day Peter found me at the lake. I don't know my real birthday so we use my 're-birth' date to celebrate." I say a little embarrassed, "You guys didn't have to get me anything"

"Don't worry it's not expensive," Foggy says

"Pro Bono work doesn't exactly pay great" Matt laughs

I look in the bag and see a bottle of Whiskey, a Framed picture of us, and a weird engraved case. I pull it out and open it seeing 2 handcrafted Kunai's, "Oh you guys shouldn't have" I pull them out and test the agility of the weapons, spinning them in my hands "where did you find these?" I asked amazed

"A friend from K'un-Lun gave them to me. Not my weapon of choice so I figured you could use them" Matt says

"Thank you guys, so much," I say "I can't wait to use these," I say tucking them in my boot

"Let's hope you don't have to" Karen laughs

The rest of the night was easygoing, we had a few more drinks and talked for another hour or so. Namor finally began to warm up to my friends; laughing and making jokes with them. It was nice to see his guard down a little. Feeling a little tired I rub Namor's leg and whisper in his ear, "Táan wáaj a ts'o'oksik u bin 'You ready to go?'" he nods his head yes and smiles at me, "Alrighty guys we are gonna head out"

"Really? It's still so early though" Karen whines

"11 pm is way past my bedtime" I laugh, "I love y'all," I say before hugging them all

"Bye Mills, Love you too!" Karen says as Foggy waves at us

"Don't be a stranger," Matt says before we walk out of the bar

Now outside and finally alone I look to Namor, "Ready?" I smile. He nods his head and we begin to walk the other way

"Your friends are way more than you let on, especially the blind one," he says

"They are" I laugh "They're good people though," I say.

He responds with a head nod and a grunt, "Roughly how long before we make it to your place" he asks

"40 min without traffic" I respond

"Okay," he says nodding his head, "Will Peter be home?"

"Yes, he should be. Why do you ask?"

He abruptly stops and pulls me close to him "Because I intend on doing things to you that will scar the boy if he overheard" he says roughly grabbing my ass and pulling me into him, "Tell me Millaenyia, have I been on my best behavior?" he asks causing me to feel a heartbeat in my pussy.

Wanting to play along, "Yes Daddy you have," I say snaking my hand down to his dick and lightly touching him just enough to feel him get hard.

I have an idea, hehe

"Come on," I said pulling his hand

-------------------------------------------------------

The Vibe:

Woo

I decided it would have taken too long to get home so we checked into a fancy hotel down the road. This will give us much-needed privacy and won't traumatize Peter. I booked us a nice Suite with a balcony overlooking the city.

"Alrighty Mrs. Parker your room is 2007, the elevator is that way, and check out is at 11." The hostess says to me as she hands me our key cards

"Thank you," I say pulling Namor away to the elevators. We get in and another couple tries to come in after us but Namor just holds his hand out and stops them. Not saying a word and just staring at them until the door closes causing me to laugh, "What is wrong with you?" I laugh hitting the elevator button to bring us to our floor

"I just wanted a bit of privacy," He says before pinning me to the wall and looking down at me like I was his next meal, "You were so sexy earlier when you handled that man," he says, "So powerful," Slowly, he slides his hand under my skirt and touching my pussy making me gasp from his cold hands.

I forgot he still has my underwear in his pocket

He roughly slides 2 fingers inside me beginning to slowly finger me as he begins to speak, "I hope you're not too tired my love" he says hooking his fingers and going deeper inside of me prompting me to moan out, "That rights let it out Ki'ichpan" he says breathing down my neck picking up his speed and driving me wild. I throw my head back hitting the wall behind me; this left my neck exposed giving Namor the perfect opportunity to bite and suck on my bare skin.

Feeling the elevator starting to slow down as we approach our floor, Namor takes his free hand and holds my chin, "Open" he says as he pulls out of me. I listen and open my mouth allowing him to place his soaked fingers on my tongue; I grab his wrist holding him in place while I clean his fingers, licking up all of my juices and never breaking eye contact.

When done, I pull him out of my mouth and fix my skirt just in time for the elevator to stop. Namor takes my hand and pulls me behind him as he walks us to our room. When we arrive I open the door with the key card and begin to walk in but before I could take a step further Namor lifts me up bridal style and walks us in, kicking the door closed behind him, "You are too much" I say laughing at him.

He puts me down and takes a seat in front of me on the bed removing his shoes and his shirt, and throwing them both to the floor. "Take off your coat" he calmly demands

I drop the coat to the floor, "What now?" I playfully ask

"Come here"

I walk over to him and stand in between his legs and place my hand on his cheek gently stroking his face. He leans into my touch and breathes in my scent eventually grabbing my wrist and placing it down to my side, "Turn around" Slowly I do as he says. He gently takes both my hand and holds them together behind my back. I feel him shuffle in his pocket looking for something, "Almost forgot I had these" He says

My Panties

I feel him take my panties and use them as a rope to tie my hands together firmly, "You know I can easily break out of these" I lightly chuckle.

He slowly rubs his hands up my legs stopping at my waist, "Be a good girl and don't" he says before forcing me to sit down in his lap. I can feel his erection grow harder under me; taking this opportunity I begin to slowly grind in his lap, massaging his dick under me. Hands still gripping my waist, Namor begins to match my grind back, breathing heavily and softly moaning under his breath. We stay this way for a few minutes enjoying each other's longing touch, eventually, this wasn't enough for Namor; very abruptly I feel him rip my skirt off so easily that for a moment I thought it was paper.

"Hey! I liked that skirt" I half complain

"I did too," he says ripping off my bra and holding it out for me to see, "I liked this too"

"You're an animal," I say as he roughly grabs both of my breasts

"An animal?" he says before grabbing a handful of my hair and holding me back to his chest, "Shall I fuck you like one?" he whispers in my ear

Completely speechless and unable to move I just shake my head yes. Namor chuckles under his breath and stands us up; he walks me over to the desk next to the bed and gently folds me over it. Face down, ass up. I feel him take the majority of my hair in his hand and wrap it around his wrist, kind of like a dog leash. He then takes his dick and positions himself at my entrance, "Are you ready Ki'ichpan?"

"Yes, Daddy" I smile to myself.

Namor takes the okay and begins to slowly enter me and stops when he's balls deep, "If I get too rough, say my true name 'K'uk'ulkan'" I nod my head in response. Before I knew it Namor began to slam into me as if his life depended on it. With each thrust, his hips made a loud slapping sound when he made contact with my ass. The position I am in is extremely uncomfortable, my hands were bound and my hair was being pulled so I couldn't move my head; but despite that, all I could think about was how good Namor was making me feel.

I swear with each pump I can feel him go deeper inside me, inching closer to my cervix. This feeling was painful but mostly I felt a sense of euphoria wash over me causing me to instinctively clench my walls around his dick and arch my back so he could go deeper. With each desperate thrust from Namor, I was sent closer and closer to the edge. I swear I could feel every vein and twitch from his dick as my walls form around his incredible length. I let out my cries of pain and pleasure unable to compose myself, "Oh fuck" I yell out

Namor growls out and pulls me from the table and roughly walks me toward the balcony pressing me against the window and continuing to pound me to oblivion, "This is what fucking you like an animal is like; out in the open for the world to see" He says between grunts, "Do you want to me to stop?" he says gripping my neck and breast from behind

I don't want him to stop... but anyone can see us. And yet, something about that is turning me on more.

"No" I choke out

"Are you scared someone will see us?" He says smacking my ass

I heard his question but I couldn't answer, he has been hitting my sweet spot for the last few minutes and I was about to burst. Pulling me to his chest and bear-hugging me, he continues to slam into me, "Answer me" he says in my ear

"Yes!" I moan out

"I hope someone sees us, I wish Bucky could see us right now." He laughs sinisterly, "You're mine. You will be my queen. Say it" He demands

"I'm yours!" I cry out as he drills into me, "I'm so close, don't stop," I say blinking back tears.

Namor then releases me from his arms and unties my hands allowing me to fall forward on the window to brace myself. With every hard thrust, my tits pressed against the glass; it was a wonderfully lewd site to see. I feel Namors dick begin to twitch in me as he rests his head on my shoulder, whimpering and breathing in my ear. That was all I needed to reach my orgasm; my walls firmly hold Namors dick in place, practically forcing him to cum with me. My Climax was so strong that I begin to black out a little and my legs give in. Fortunately, Namor was holding me upright and in place as he released himself in me. Unable to keep my eyes open and maintain a balance I feel myself drift off...

Oh my god, am I fainting?

[sudsandspectre]

20 questions for 20 writers

tagged by @hopefulnightlady !!

1. How many works do you have on AO3? i have an old account, my main one, and the secret smut side where i also threw my cod fic (moonjon) because i didn't really want them associated with my main. so!! across all of them, 46 but i also orphaned a bunch of homestuck stuff way back in the day

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 265,026 on my main! but plus the sides it's 498,415

3. What fandoms do you write for? star wars, witcher, cod, assassin's creed, narnia, dc (dick grayson), fullmetal alchemist, final fantasy vii, hobbit, legend of zelda, maze runner, merlin bbc, naruto, and then many more one-offs i've never posted. used to write for voltron, teen wolf, and fake ah crew

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? i'm still not comfy yet connecting my sides and my main unfortunately

5. Do you respond to comments? i used to respond to every single one, then got overwhelmed, and now rarely respond unless it's a direct question. i want to respond to all of them tho 😭

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? uhh i'm not big on angsty endings tbh, so if they're not happy endings they're still hopeful. angsty-EST? maybe my second biggest fic, that one is going to leave a lot of loose ends to be picked up in the sequel

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? my big main fic is gonna have like. EVERYTHING go right for them

8. Do you get hate on fics? i've gotten a few more like.... annoyed comments? but no outright hate. one person was pissed i didn't tag a specific character as trans even tho i had the tag trans and nb characters

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? yes, and they are on the same ao3 where i'm dumping my cod stuff. dfab trans smut! not super kinky, but not wholly vanilla, either. am ace and know what i like lmao

10. Do you write crossovers? yes, but as fusions! don't think i've ever written one where the different main casts interact

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i think way back in the day, but nothing in the last decade as far as i know

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? not to my knowledge!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? yes but it never got finished and was never published, and it was years ago

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? oh boy ummm not sure i have one, but i keep coming back to jangobi, og pricesoap, gersakier and yennskier, royed and edling, casmund, ezides and altdes, revalink, wangxian and zhancheng. i usually latch onto one character/blorbo and then explore a bunch of different ships with them? merthur has a very special place in my heart but i'm not as into it as i used to be.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? that one teen wolf longfic i started in 2015 lmao. i did SO MUCH world building and i miss it, but boy howdy was it more than i could chew

16. What are your writing strengths? shaping au things to insert into canon, or rather, lying through half truths and omissions, both on a doylian and watsonian level

17. What are your writing weaknesses? pacing and staying interested in a fandom for long enough stretches to finish long-fic

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? there is no excuse not to put the translations at the TOP of the chapter instead of the endnote, though i'm also of the opinion that it is very rare entire sentences need to be in another language ESPECIALLY if the character whose pov you're in understands the language. there are ways of incorporating dialogue in other languages cleanly, i've seen it done and am working towards it myself, it is just so often done so messily

19. First fandom you wrote for? shugo chara, i think. oh wow that was a long time ago. well, actually, one could argue the first i wrote for was canterwood crest lmaooooo but that was before i knew what fanfiction was

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? i am VERY proud of a rexobi au i wrote, and a pre-s2 dinpaz, but my revalink on my old old account will always hold such a special place in my heart

thank you for the tag, lovely! i don't have many friends on this side blog, so i don't have any to tag, except maybe @czigonas ? we're not friends but you follow my main and many of my side blogs and i'm always so happy to see your username in my notes! you've also got some STELLAR takes in the cod sphere, so if you're up for participating, i'd love to see your thoughts! no pressure tho~

[kerosenecrushh]

20 questions for fic writers!

Tagged by @sensitiveheartless (kind of, they left it open at the end to anyone who wanted to do it)

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

40, as of today!

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

79,131

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Mainly Bungou Stray Dogs, but I occasionally write for My Hero Academia and Sk8 the Infinity as well.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

tastes like candy

raw

Kinktober Day 4: Praise Kink

Kinktober Day 3: Dirty Talk

wanna get out of here?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yep, pretty much always! The only times I don’t are if someone leaves a one-word comment or I’m not sure how to respond lmao. I love when people show their appreciation for my writing, so I try to show that gratitude by replying!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I wouldn’t even necessarily classify it as angst, but the Fyolai Blood Play fic didn’t exactly end with aftercare and cuddles.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Pretty much all my fics have happy endings. I hate sad endings with a burning passion, so as a treat to myself, I just don’t write them!

8. Do you get hate on fic?

I haven’t so far, thankfully! I have had people comment vague stuff about being “traumatized” by my work, but that’s mainly people who didn’t expect to find smut, I think.

9. Do you write smut?

Yepppp haha, in fact I’ve only recently branched out to writing SFW stuff.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven’t yet, but I wouldn’t rule it out for the future. I just haven’t felt inspired to write one so far.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

No, but I have seen a fic that HEAVILY borrowed from one of mine. It pissed me off a bit, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that these things happen.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so. No one’s asked me if they could translate any of my fics, at least.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I’m curious what that would be like. So far I’ve only ever worked alone in the writing process, so think it would be challenging to adjust to working alongside someone. Again, not something I’d rule out though!

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Man this is tough. Fun fact, I have a Pinterest board for ships with 26 subsections of specific ships, so there are plenty to choose from here. Soukoku and BakuDeku are ones I love to write and consume content for, but my favorite to actually write would probably be Ranpoe. They’re just so fluffy! I always feel better after writing a fic about them.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

There’s this one idea I had based on a BSD theory that ended up being wrong. It would essentially be a long multi-chapter fic where abilities were written out of existence, so the story restarts at the beginning and the characters all eventually find each other, even without abilities or past memories pushing them together. So, for instance, Kunikida would still be a math teacher; Atsushi would never have been kicked out of the orphanage; Yosano would (interestingly enough) be working at a candy shop; and so on. I don’t know that I’ll ever get around to writing it, since it’ll take a TON of research on the canon materials. I’ve started the planning phase but it truly is a mammoth of a fic. Link to my theory if you’re interested in the details.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think characterization is a strength of mine. I also typically have a first draft that’s like 95% ready to post, since I edit while writing. I usually do a quick read-through, change a word here or there, and post.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Non-character details (like setting). I get too caught up in the action! I can also be impatient with transitions between scenes, hence the massive amount of one-shots.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I’ve translated one word for a fic, but even that felt a bit cheesy when I did it. I try to avoid it, since there’s almost definitely native speakers out there cringing at literal translations and google translate errors in fics.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The first one I wrote for was Bungou Stray Dogs, and that remains the one I write for the most!

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Kinktober Day 31. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I must have read it at least 5 times now. I’m really proud of how it turned out.

Following @sensitiveheartless’s example, I hereby tag anyone who sees this and wants to do it! Have fun!

[aubzikins]

Coffee On Us: Chapter 4: The Client

Anise walks into the café and looks around. It is small, has a darker tone and is very intimate. This place exudes more of a place you would take your significant other rather than a place to meet someone working for you. Anise is greeted the by hostess who immediately addressed her as ‘Ms. Michaels’ and leads her to the corner in the right side of the restaurant.

Anise immediately notices a tall dark man standing next to the table in the corner. He’s handsome but arrogant looking. He also looks a bit pissed. Anise thinks to herself. She walks up to the man and holds out her hand to shake his and attempts to introduce herself.

“Ms. Michaels… you are late.” The man says in an aggravated tone. He turns to pull out a chair for Anise and motions for her to sit down. Anise puts her hand down feeling a little embarrassed and moves to sit in the chair he pulled out.

“My apologies Mr. Tang, I thought our meeting started at 11 am. I will double check my calendar and make sure this does not happen again.” Anise says.

“It was scheduled for 11 am. I’m a true believer of if you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. But not everyone has the same work ethic.” Don says in a chastising manner.

Anise remains silent and looks up at Don. Don recognizes that he may have upset her, “Ahh, I’m sorry Ms. Michaels, I tend to forget that not everyone is like me. Please do not think less of me for my outburst. You may also call me Don.”

“Alright then… Don, I will keep that in my mind for next time. It is good to meet you. I'm looking forward to working with you going forward.” Anise says with a pleasant smile.

The server walks over before Don can respond. Don smiles at Anise and then at the server. “We would like two glasses of Villa Blanca Rose, Scallops and that will be all.” Before Anise can protest, the server walks away. Don doesn’t give her a chance to say anything before he’s talking again. “I'm excited to see how you and your company help promote our franchise. We are really excited to expand more in the US eventually.”

“We are excited as well. Expanding into the US would be amazing. I'm sure we can achieve all of your goals.” Anise says.

The server returns with two glasses of Rose and the scallops. Don makes a plate and serves it to Anise.

“I apologize Don, but I unfortunately cannot eat scallops. I’m allergic to most fish and shellfish.” Anise says.

Don is stunned as he pulls the plate away from Anise, “Oh my, I didn’t realize. Luckily this is a short meeting, so you’ll be able to grab something afterwards.” He says.

She nods and takes a sip of the rose. Dons phone pings and he looks at the message. “Ms. Michaels, I apologize but it looks like I must head out already. I hope to meet with you again soon.” He smiles, gives the server a wad of cash, finishes his glass of rose and walks off.

Anise sat there for a minute dumbfounded. This client is a bit frustrating and demanding. Hopefully he is worth all this effort. Anise pulls out her phone and sends Chan a text.

Anise: Hey Chan, its Anise. Sorry for the short notice but it looks like the meeting is already done with.

Chan: No worries, I will be there in a couple minutes to grab ya.

Anise: No rush! I know you had a meeting as well. I can wait.

Chan: My meeting got canceled so I’m free now.

Anise: Ahh okay ill see you when you get here.

Chan: Alrighty 😉

Anise finishes the glass of rose and gets up to head outside. As soon as she walks outside, Chan pulls up. Before he has a chance to get out and open the door, Anise shuffles over and gets in herself.

“Hey now, I was going to get the door for you,” Chan says with a fake pout.

“I am perfectly capable of opening the door myself Chan, but thanks for trying to be sweet.” Anise says giggling.

“I tried! How was your meeting?” Chan asks as he puts the vehicle in drive.

“Weird, my client is definitely used to being top dog. Even ordered for us but didn’t ask me anything. Ended up ordering something I was allergic to!” Anise says.

“Naur! He did not! Rude, what was it that you were allergic to?” Chan asks.

“Scallops. I have a seafood and shellfish allergy.” Anise says.

“Noted! So, you didn’t even eat?” Chan asks.

“Nope, he told me since the meeting was so short anyways that I could just go grab something myself.” Anise says as she crosses her arms and rolls her eyes.

“Well, we can’t have that, do you have to go back to work right away?” Chan asks.

“Not really, technically my schedule is blocked up for another hour or so.” Anise says.

“Good, I know this little diner spot right around the way here. You okay with going?” Chan asks.

Anise nods, “Mmhmm, I need a good diner spot.”

“Lets go!” Chan says as he switches lanes and takes a right.

They settle into their seats at the diner. Chan hands Anise a menu and smiles.

“Oh, you don’t want to order for me?” Anise says jokingly.

“You are perfectly capable of ordering your own door, why not your own food.” He says and winks. “Plus, I have no idea what you like and what you don’t like, rude of me to assume.”

“What a gentleman!” Anise coos and pretends to fan herself. This causes them both to start laughing.

“Ok so, I’m allergic to seafood and shellfish. I don’t like mushrooms, I love asparagus, I love comfort foods and while its not a food type, I absolutely love coffee!” She says smiling.

“Where is my handy dandy notebook when I need it?” He jokes. “Good to know!”

They continue to chat and laugh throughout the whole meal, Chan pays and as they are about to leave, Chan looks at Anise softly. “Hey if you’re not busy tonight, we are going bowling tonight. Normally it’s just staff members and I, but I’m sure they would love if you came to hang out.” He says.

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to intrude.” Anise says.

“No intrusion, we would love for you to come spend some time with us. Although, it might be a bit much for ya with all of us together. We can get a bit rowdy.” Chan says with a chuckle.

Anise pauses and thinks for a moment, “Actually, I think that would be fun. Count me in, just let me know what time.”

“Six work for you?” Chan asks.

“Yup, six would be perfect. Do you want me to bring anything?” Anise asks.

“Nope, just bring yourself. We will meet up at the café and then go to the bowling alley.” He says smiling.

“Deal!” Anise says.

Chan walks quickly and beats Anise to the vehicle just so he can open the door.

“I win!” he says with a wink.

“That’s how this is gonna be Chan? I got you…” Anise says with a smirk.

Chan smiles, gets in the vehicle, and drives her home.

When Chan gets back to the café, Felix is already smiling at him.

“That was a long time…” Felix says with a smirk.

Chan looks at him and rolls his eyes. “Her meeting was over pretty quickly; the client sounds like a pain in the…”

“Language!” Felix scolds.

“Like you have any room to talk!” Changbin says laughing as he walks out from the back.

“But he is supposed to be the boss and set the example for the rest of us.” Felix says.

Chan just shakes his head, “Oh by the way, I invited Anise to bowling tonight. She said she would come!” He looks at Felix and smiles.

Felix has gone wide-eyed at this, “Really!? What happened to not pushing her?”

“It’s not pushing her, there was an opportunity and so I took it and asked her. I didn’t force her. She said yes on her own.” Chan says.

“We are gonna have to make sure we order enough snacks and maybe some dinner.” Changbin says.

“Nothing with mushrooms, seafood or shellfish. She is allergic to seafood and shellfish and doesn’t like mushrooms.” Chan says.

Both Changbin and Felix stop and look at Chan, jaws wide open.

“How did you figure that out?” Changbin asks.

“I… um… took her to the diner we always liked. She was hungry.” Chan says as he rubs his hand over the back of his neck.

“WHAT!?” Felix yells in shock.

Chan shrugs, “You are the one who insisted I give her a ride to the meeting. I gave her my cell and told her to text me afterwards and I would pick her up and take her home. She told me she hadn’t eaten at the meeting so I offered to take her to the diner.”

Felix puts out his bottom lip in a feign attempt to pout and Changbin laughs at Felix.

“I think Felix is a little jealous Chan.” Changbin says.

“No fair!” says Felix.

Chan just shakes his head and laughs. He pulls out his phone and texts the group chat. Anise is coming to bowling, so best behavior and get here a little earlier so we can prep.

[allofmytoxicity]

Chapter Synopsis; An argument is had between Kaitlyn and Xander and it’s sorted out by a few very stressful words before the ball.

part 1 / part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10 / part 11 / part 12 / part 13 / part 14 / part 15 / part 16 / part 17 / part 18 / part 19 / part 20 / part 21 / part 22 / part 23 / part 24 / part 25 / part 26 / part 27 / part 28 / part ...

Story Masterlist

Words; 2,873

Hidden in Plain Sight

16 June

“Keep your eyes on your opponent,” Xander said as I grunted, trying to keep myself stable while holding Xander’s sword away from me with my own.

“Well, I would, but the fact that my Father’s watching me distracts me a bit,” I say through gritted teeth, and manage to throw Xander off “And you’re going easy, when you know I need more practice,”

So, we restart.

Fighting is more like a dance than actual pushing and shoving. It’s more like a skill where you gracefully try to hit your opponent. It’s taken me a while to learn the steps of the graceful dance of near death, but it has paid off when I’m coming close to beating the youngest knight in the kingdom. Today though, I was just being sloppy. Sloppy as I was getting my anger out on Xander for what he had said to me earlier.

“Why are you pushing yourself so hard today?” Xander asked as I blocked one of his attacks.

“Why do you want to know so bad?” I say as I take a jab at him.

“Katie, come on. You can’t just cut me out of your life for yelling at you once, so please, just tell me,” Xander says as I push myself harder and harder.

“Can’t you just mind your own business for once!” I yell as I lunge at him and knock his sword out of his hand, onto the ground just by my Father’s feet.  

I give Xander one last glare before sheathing my sword and running back into the Castle to get ready for tonight's ball.

{----------}

I slammed open my door and walked in then slammed my door closed and took off my stuff.

I was so angry at him. At everyone that was preventing me from showing how much I love Jameson.

Alice came in and closed the door quietly as I stripped and got out what I would be wearing to the ball, but as I started to get things like a corset on, she tapped me on the shoulder, making me drop it on my foot, hurting it.

“Dang it, Alice!” I say as I walk over to my bed and pick up the corset on the way there and check to see if my toes were in any way damaged badly.

“What’s gotten you so pissed off?” Alice asks me and takes the corset from my bed and turns me around to stick it on.

“Just something Xander did earlier,” I say as I suck in a breath as Alice pulls the corset tight, not tying it though “It’s nothing big,”

“Well, it clearly is if you’re slamming doors, it’s not nothing,” Alice says as she finishes tying up the corset and starts untying my hair “But if you don’t want to talk, don’t,”

I ignored her as I sat there in a huff.

Father then suddenly burst through the doors, an enraged look on his face as he stomped towards me. Alice stood back as he did so. I tried to keep a calm look on my face and got comfy on my bed, getting ready to be told off.

“What on earth was that! To start with, you were sloppy, your posture was terrible throughout the whole thing and lastly, you almost injured the only person that you would let teach you as you tried to deliberately injure the rest of them!” Father said as I tried to finish taking out my hair, then tried to get up during Father’s lecture, but he pushed me back down.

“No, you will sit here and wait till I am done talking until you get up,” Father tells me.

“Well, would you want me to be late to the ball in which you are saying about how I truly ‘need’ a husband? Or would you like me to be fashionably late like normal? I wouldn’t mind being late as it would mean that I don’t have to spend as much time in a room with the person I’m holding a grudge against,” I said, a straight face fully intact as I contained the inner emotions I had, that wanted to burst out so easily.

“Well, the person I suspect you are holding a grudge against will be escorting you to the ball. There, you two will have to discuss your emotions and what happened out there today. If nothing is done, he will be escorting you everywhere until you two can talk things out,” Father says and then swiftly changes topic “Anyway, I don’t want you to be late, so go get ready. We will discuss this later,”

And then he leaves.

I breathe a sigh of relief when Father leaves and I can get up to go get the dress I’m wearing tonight to the ball.

“You know he doesn’t mean to be hard on you,” I hear a voice say from behind me that wasn’t Alice’s “Miss Lysandral, you can leave. I can help your sister prepare for the ball,”

“Please Xander, just call me Alice. You’re best friends with my older sister, and I’m nothing like the dungeon spider that is my younger sister.” Alice says, and I manage to push out a small smile on my face as I grab the dress I want.

I compose my face again before turning around to see Alice leave the room and the door shut.

“Why are you here?” I ask as I walk over and stick the dress down on my bed.  

I pick up my corset and try to put it on myself, finding the small task surprisingly difficult as I feel warm hands on my waist, taking the corset from my hands, and tightening it, no questions asked.

“Thank you,” I say, before stepping over to my dress.

“If you can’t even get into a corset on your own, how do you expect to get into what you call ‘a death trap’ on your own,” Xander says, and only now, is when I fully turn to face him, looking at him up and down as I did so. He looked wonderful. Clearly, someone had told him what I would be wearing, as he was wearing a forest green suit that matched my dress. I smiled at the fact someone had told him what I would be wearing.

“Why do you think I can do nothing on my own?” I ask, staring at him intently.

“I think you can do a lot independently, Kaitlyn, it’s just that, when you’re angry at someone, or holding a grudge, you’re terrible at doing things. Even with help,” Xander says, picking up the dress as he did so and unzipping it “I care about you, and want the best for you. So, what happened earlier with you and Jameson almost being caught. . . I want you to be able to be open about who you love. With the invisible rules your Father has set out for you, I will help you as much as I can in keeping your relationship a secret. Now, let me help you into this dress, or I will force you into this, and you’ll be fashionably late. Again,”

“I think I would like to give it a try first,” I say, grabbing the dress from Xander and trying to get into it.

I struggled. I could barely get one foot into it before falling. Luckily Xander caught me, and I pushed myself out of the dress. I looked at it, lying on the floor and I don’t know what it was, but I just walked away. I walked away from the dress and into the bathroom.

I closed the door and locked it. I sat down on the toilet. From there, I cried.

After a couple of minutes, I heard a knock followed by Xander talking.

“Kaitlyn,” He said and then went quiet.

I continued to sob as I heard a sliding sound on the other side of the door.

“Kaitlyn, until you open this door, I will sit here and wait. Even if that means I have to get Jameson up here, or your Father shouts at me,” Xander says and I hear him bang his head against the door.

“How would you even know where Jameson is?” I ask, sticking my head in my hands.

“She speaks!” Xander yells and I let out a small laugh “He told me yesterday when I was sneaking him out of the Castle that he would be here doing portraits at the ball to keep people interested, as well as you and your sisters not being bored out of your minds,”

I took a deep breath and stood up, unlocking the door. I opened it, clearly catching Xander by surprise as he fell through the door.

“Thank goodness you’re out! My butt was getting numb, and I don’t think I could sit here for hours on end, just waiting for you to come out of a bathroom,” Xander says and I give him a small smile “Now, you have a wonderful dress, that matches my very uncomfortably tight suit, and I want to get this night over and done with as soon as possible, so then I can get out of this suit,”

I smiled, walked over him and went over to my dress and started to try and get ready.

{----------}

When we arrived, it was only just on time. And when I say that, I mean, Father was giving me the looks of ‘how will this kingdom ever last with a queen like my own daughter?’ and I knew then, with what I had planned in my head for when Father had passed, he would be rolling in his grave.

As Xander and I walked down the stairs, I was hit by what felt like a wall of sound in my head. One that hadn’t been there before and it felt like a tuba was playing right into my ears.

I winced and Xander turned to look at me, a worried expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked as I tried to block out the other sounds of the ball surrounding me.

“I don’t know. I need to get to a quieter space to hear what’s going on in there,” I say, all my focus turning to what was happening in my head.

“The voices? They’re back?” He asked, a now deeply worried look on his face.

“Yes,” I say shortly, not bothering to give any sort of context to guests as they tried to greet the pair of us as Xander and I passed them on the way to a quieter room.

On our travels through the ballroom, I saw Jameson on the edge, painting Alice’s portrait. I watched them smile and laugh about something, and then she pointed to me with a smile on her face, glancing at Jameson as she did so.

Soon enough after though, I was briskly shoved into one of the study’s Father uses and I was plonked down into a chair.

“Now we’re in a quieter room, listen to the voices and nothing else,” Xander says, standing in front of me like listening to the voices would save a life.

“Well, I would be able to listen to them better if you would shut up,” I replied, sassing him.

I listen in as I hear Xander sass me back, but I don’t decipher what he says as I was concentrating too hard to make my mind do anything else.

“Use this warning wisely; you only have months to prepare before you rule.”

I sat there in a stunned silence as I listened to this. My Father only had months left to live and there was a high chance there was nothing I could do about it.

Xander saw my face drop as I retained the information I was hearing as the door to the study we were in slammed open when Jameson burst through it.

“I saw you two rush away to somewhere when Alice pointed you both out. So, I decided to follow you both and see where you went. You both went in and from what I could hear, it was deadly silent, so something is wrong and I want to know what,” Jameson rushes out as Xander stands up, expecting someone like my Father to have walked through.

“When we were walking down the stairs, Kaitlyn heard a fresh set of voices in her head,” Xander said, returning to his original position.

“I couldn’t hear them properly, so when Xander asked about what they said, and I said the room was too loud, he dragged me in here,” I said, brushing down my skirts and taking a deep breath, before looking Jameson in the eyes.

All I could see was pity and worry.

“So, what did they say?” Was all Jameson asked of me from there before walking towards me and lifting me so I could nuzzle into him as I spoke.

I took a deep breath before answering the question as it deeply worried me what both of them would do from my answer.

“They were saying how I should ‘use this warning wisely’ and that I only have ‘months to prepare before you rule’ and that was it. They were saying my Father is going to die in less than a year,”

Xander taps me on the shoulder so that I look at him.

“Could you give us an exact quote of what they said?” He asks and I nod my head.

“An exact quote of what the voices said is ‘Use this warning wisely; you only have months to prepare before you rule.’ so there, that’s what they said. You’re welcome,” Was all I said before trying to get up, but was held down by strong arms.

“So you’re saying there is a high chance you’re going to be a mother in less than a year?” Jameson asks me straight up.

“Yep,” Was all I said as I felt redness creep onto my face as I heard Xander snort.

“What are you laughing at?” I ask in confusion as I thought that Xander would be worried, not chuckling at the fact my Father would be dead soon.

“Oh, I’m not laughing at the fact your Father will be dead in a few months, I’m laughing at the fact, that in a few months, you two will have had intercourse and will probably still not have revealed your relationship, let alone be married,” He says.

“And why are you stating this?” I ask.

“Well, because if you have a child out of wedlock, especially after his Majesty is dead, everyone will call you things like ‘the slut queen’ among other things,” Xander replies, a slight grim look on his face, that was outcasted when the small smirk came through his facial expressions.

“Don’t you dare talk to Kaitlyn like that,” Jameson growls out at Xander, a snarl showing on his face and venom dripping from his words.

While the boys continued to growl at each other, I managed to slip out of the study and back up to my room where I found Alice pacing by the door.

“Alice, what are you doing here?” I asked in confusion as to why she wasn’t down at the ball, enjoying being the life of the party for once.

“Well, your boyfriend abandoned painting me to go check on you, so I slipped up here to make sure you didn’t disappear up here for the night. So, I’m telling you, go back downstairs, have fun and forget about it,” Alice rants as I stand there smiling before taking her hand and leading her back downstairs to where I found Xander and Jameson, running around, trying to find both of us.

“Finally found you,” Xander said, breathing out a sigh of relief as he hugged me, gave me a once-over and then did the same to Alice “I’m not losing you again, so I hereby command you to stay by your boyfriend all night. I don’t care if you two are caught. All I care about right now is that that doesn’t happen again,” He said and then calmed down a bit.

“I would like to say I’m not happy about this, but that would be a total lie,” I say before turning to Jameson and kissing him on the cheek “Now, come on, I want to have some fun tonight,”

So with that, I forgot my worries as the fun-filled night of dancing, laughs and giggles began, and Of course, there was some hiding from Father that happened as well.

The night had to end at some point though, and the last thing I can remember from tonight was that Jameson kissed me and then snuck out of my room before I went to bed.

The one thing that bothered me all night though, was the voices. I know the truth will come out at some point but can’t I just have one small bit of happiness for once?  

The answer is clearly no from the words that now keep me awake at night.

‘Use this warning wisely; you only have months to prepare before you rule.’  

[igotanidea]

Counterparts: Morpheus x OC chapter 11

Prologue Chapter 1 : sometimes reality sucks Chapter 2 :Welcome back to reality Chapter 3: A rough nightmare Chapter 4 : crumbling Chapter 5: Falling to pieces Chapter 6: Reunited Chapter 7: Remedies Chapter 8 : The Fates Chapter 9 : On the verge Chapter 10: Opposing sides

masterlist

I know you have waited long enough :D

Chapter 11

Hell is a place you believe in

Here we are. Standing on a hill in an empty and depressing place like Hell is. Being as old as I am (do not forget I am a reality) I can clearly recall how much the names of this place has changed throughout the history. Avernus. Tartarus. Hades. Funny how people can be attached to terminology.

“So Hell does exist” Matthew turns around a bit nervous, judging by his behavior. I do not blame him. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve been here once before I would probably freak out too. And even despite that I was feeling uneasy. After all Hell exists out of reality. 

“It does. For some.” Morpheus explains vaguely. Talkative as always and it leaves Matthew with more questions than answers.

“Does that mean it doesn’t exist if you don’t believe in it?”

“Did you believe in it? When you were a man?” I ask trying to capture his attention and ease my nerves by focusing on the conversation.

“Yeah. I just didn’t expect it to be cold.” He ruffles his feathers.

“ Tell me more” – I crossed my arms in search for some warmth – you got your plumage, Dream has his coat and I’m just in a T-shirt. But it wasn’t always this freezing here. “I suppose the bills are killing even the Lucifer himself” – I try to joke to cover up my evident fright.

 “Kayleen” Morpheus eyes me with serious look in his eyes. “Hold your tongue”

“Sorry” I mutter looking down playing with my fingers. I know. I’m sorry. I won’t be doing this here again. Believe it or not, I do want to help you.

I know – he mutters looking down. I can tell he’s scared too, but since he knows Lucifer longer and well.. better he also knows better how to hide it.

“What do you mean it wasn’t always? Have you been here before.”

“Yes. Once. It is truly surprising how many beings you can piss off just by doing your job…”

“What did you do exactly.” Matthew insists.

“Let’s just say that being part human and part a supernatural being who has way to much knowledge and skills may or may not get the attention of ruler of Hell. And not in a good context.”

Flashback. 9.000 years ago

I did “unimaginable” thing. I talked to the First People about their beliefs. I listened and explained how what we see and what is real differs from what we imagine and what functions only as a fragment of our inner self. Like Heaven And Hell obviously. Apparently, my teaching caused some of the members of the tribe to stop fearing the former and therefore the Devil lost a couple of souls. Is it necessary to say that she didn’t like it. In result I was summoned to her realm for a little chat. As innocent as that sounds, it was not and truly I was fearing the day to come. I was even considering asking one of the Endless, preferably Death to come with me, but the “invitation” was just for me and I did not intend to get myself in any more trouble. Dealing with Lucifer would be so much different than getting in Fates’ way.

“You are nervous” Morpheus said as he visited me before my departure

“Really? You don’t say. I’m about to go the Hell. Literally. I have no idea what will happen and if I something shall happen to me….”

“Nothing will happen.”

“How can you be so sure? You are well familiar with Morningstar, given your history and the fact that you ….”

“Don’t you dare finishing that sentence.”

“ Fine. I’m going. It’s time.”

“Reality.”

“Yes, Dream?”

“Be careful. And perhaps you should hold your tongue for the time being.” He took a step closer, reducing the distance between us and almost touching my hand “I wish for you to return.” He leaned closer opening his mouth like he was trying to do something more but stopped “The Waking would suffer without you” he turned around abruptly.

“Right. Thank you, Dream. I suppose I see in the Dreaming upon my reappearance.”

Crossing the realm was a menace, but I suppose I might have already mentioned that. However, getting through to Hell came along with a burning sensation and losing all hope.  It was like in Greek myths, lose all hope you who enter here. How true that sentence was. If it wasn’t for my little magic trick that bounded me to real world I would already be a depressed mess. Standing by the gates of hell I noticed one of the demon approaching.

“Who are you, human? What do you seek here?”

“You lack information, demon. I am the Reality. I was summoned by your Ruler. Shall you keep me here….”

Without any further questions he opened the door and lead the way to the palace .Quite short and moderately easy which was a clear sing for me that Lucifer was anticipating me eagerly. I wished it wasn’t at least a bit longer.

“Kayleen. Reality.” Lucifer’s soft voice echoed through the chamber.

“Lucifer Morningstar. I believe you called for me.”

“Indeed. You and I my dear have an important matter to discuss, don’t we?” The flames shoot up and I shivered as the Ruler of Hell circled me like a predator. I believe I was his prey. “You have been messing with people’s head and that I do not like”

“How was I messing with them, Lucifer? By simply talking”

Oh, my dear. You know well enough how powerful words can be. They shape reality, don’t they. Words are stories and stories are what keeps the world going…”

I was silent but my breathing fastened a bit. Almost unnoticeably, but of course Lucifer saw that and smiled widely, innocently by all appearances.

“Shall I show you what words can do? Do you wish to see or experience their power?”

“I don’t think that indispensable.”

“And yet, you dare defying me”

“You sound like someone else I know, Morningstar.”

“Dream, I suppose. Yes. I recall his last action when someone decided to stand against him. Perchance I should follow his example. Keep you here. Maybe then you will learn something. And you would not be able to get my way. How does that feel?” she put a hand on my shoulder from behind and I felt all the pain of tortured soul, the power of Hell fire and the emptiness of everyone kept here which made me double over. “No. I don’t think so. This would be to easy, Reality. I think of something better. I shall give you an eternal warning. Everytime you decide to cross me you shall feel the fire, the burn, the despair. I shall mark you” she grabbed my hand, gently caressing it with her thumb. In any other circumstances it would seem innocent and affectionate but not here and not now. A second later Lucifer pushed her index finger into my palm and I was left with a scar in the shape of flame. Pulsating, hurting reaching right to my core “Now. Remember that next time you try to talk to people, Kayleen. For your own safety, however, I hope this won’t ever happen.”

“You know, your Majesty. The heat never bothered me anyway. It’s cold I can’t quite stand. Maybe what you did is a gift instead of a curse” I eyed her gathering all my strength.

“We shall see about that” she spat a bit angered “Farewell, Kayleen. Give my best regards to Dream.”

End of flashback

“Which way do we go then?” Matthew stopped his questioning and I was really glad of that.

“I suggest we follow the damned” Dream looked down and as we followed his gaze we saw the souls walking the line straight to the gates of Hell.

“They make you bring your own fire to Hell?”

“I suppose a lot of things has changed here” I muttered. My scar was now starting to pulsate and I could not understand why. After all I did not interfere with Lucifer matters. At least not yet. I quickly hid my hand in the pocket of the pants so neither Matthew nor Morphues would notice it’s redness and puffiness. Not that Dream cared. He was too consumed by his purpose of retrieving the helm. Or at least so I thought, but when I took a step to truly follow the souls he stopped me by grabbing my arm. I turned around and looked at him surprised.

“What?”

“How is your scar?”

“Burning. But I did not expect anything else.”

“Kayleen.”

“What?!”

“You may need your link now.” Right. I almost forgot. Good thing he… cared?

“What link?” Matthew started turning his head, looking between me and Dream.

“It’s just a little trick, Matthew. Something to keep me grounded in reality. Like we said, Hell is based on belief, not the true environment and this can … be tricky. Especially for me. So this ....” I raised my hand and a white aura surrounded it “is just a precaution to help me keep my head up. Not really strong, but still helpful.”

“Can I have that too?”

“I don’t know. I think since you are the Raven of the Dream that is enough of protection for you, but I can try if you wish….”

“No.” Dream’s word made us both look at him. “You shall use your powers just to yourself. Disintegrating your strength would do no good. I shall keep Matthew on my watch. You as well. Now, come. “ He moved forward leaving us no choice but to follow. Despite my better judgement I motioned Matthew to sit on my shoulder and pass some of my magic to him. Just a speck for safety. It was not like I could do much more. In silence we reached the gate where the damned disappeared and both Dream and I stopped instantly, standing close enough so that our hands were almost touching. I don’t know which one was seeking more support from the other, but sure as Hell we both needed it.

“This is it” – I whisper to Matthew when we reach the metal gate, behind which the damned disappear.

“We’re not sneaking in with them?”

“We can’t do that. Neither Dream nor me. I’m still partially human and this may get me killed and Morpheus….”

“A monarch of another realm cannot enter uninvited – he speaks – there are rules. Protocols  that must be followed. And the same goes for you, Reality. It has nothing to do with you being human.”

“I am not a monarch ….. “– I protest, but as usual he doesn’t care. Taking a step forward he spots some sort of drum, but there’s no stick to it.

„How….?”

“Shh, Matthew, not a word. He knows what to do, just observe.”

Suddenly, the figure that initially seemed to be carved into the wall move toward Dream, handing him necessary accessory. Without hesitation Morpheus bangs into the drum announcing our arrival.

“And now, the Hell breaks loose, Matthew” – I sigh before I bite my tongue. I move forward but Dream stops me right behind me, shielding me from what may be coming from the inside. I suppose it’s going to be some sort of demon, because what else can you expect. I look at him and nod my head trying to assure him that we can do this, but he doesn’t seem to care about my reassurance. Fine, then, I’ll keep my support quiet.

“There’s one at door ….“ a familiar voice comes from the other side of the entrance. Squatterbloat – I think – the keeper of the gates. If we were in another place I would even joke that he’s my counterparts in this role but given the circumstances it’s not funny at all. The demons stops for a second, wrinkling his nose.

“There’s two at the door” he smiles wickedly “a nightmare and something worse. What do they want? There’s two at the door, seems like some loss.”

“Greetings Squatterbloat” Morpheus speaks with all the confidence he can get.  “I seek an audience with your sovereign.”

“And who might you be?”

“I am the King of Dreams. The ruler of the nightmare realm.”

“And the girl?” Squatterbloat smirked pityingly.

“I am…”

“She’s with me. And that is all you shall know.” He stated. Wow, such protectiveness is something new to him.  

“Yes my clown. So where is your crown? “

“Guard your tongue, demon. The ruler of Hell will not be kind to those who insult an honored guest. And I am a guest in this realm as I am  monarch of my own.”

“Where’s your ruby then?” Morpheus’s face stiffened but he did not let it show taking a step forward and speaking with his deepest, darkest voice.

“Shall I use it to haunt your dreams? And your waking hours too? Or will you open the gates of Hell and let us through?”

The demon took just a single look at him with all his darkness. Then at me with my glowing hands and eyes expressing that I won’t let go. I guess it made him a bit scared of what we are actually capable of since he unlocked the gates and motioned us inside.

“Now, take us to the palace” Morpheus said following close behind him, not turning around to see if I’m doing so too. Ok, so he is back to his old self, focused solely on the mission and forgetting everything else. It’s my sign to just watch myself since now. Morpheus is for sure in his tunnel vision.

The demon was guiding us through some unknown path, if you can even call it like that. There were bones on the ground and as much as I hated it the view made me feel like vomiting. This visit was nothing like my last. 9.000 years ago I was showed straight to the palace without any detours. I suppose this time Lucifer was trying to show us how powerful she is and who is truly in control of this place and situation. The fog surrounding the entire place, the gloom and lack of orientation was really messing with my head so I did my best not to let Dream out of my sight. Obviously, it was only because I was watching for myself. And perhaps Matthew. It has nothing to do with me being afraid how Dream being himself may act.

“any idea where are we?” Matthew cawed from my arm. He refused to take even a step on the ground and honestly I was glad of his warming presence on my shoulder.

“The landscape is subject to the whim of the Morningstar.”

“The morning star? We have to spend the night in this literally godforsaken…” the Raven was oblivious to whom Morpheus were referring to.

“Lucifer Morningstar” Dream and I said in unison and locked our eyes. He was scared.

“As in the Devil?”

“The ruler of hell is no mere Devil.”

So you two know each other? And do you know him too Kay?”

“We’ve known each other for a very long time.” Morpheus started to explain “When we first met Lucifer was the angel Samael.”

“I forgot the devil used to be an angel.”

“Yes. But not just any angel The most beautiful, wisest and most powerful of all angels” I continued “I did not really get the chance to know her in that form, but we have met.  First time, it was not even in Hell.”

“Then where?”

“Night club in Los Angeles. Guess someone were bored at the time. Anyway, it’s a long story, hopefully for some better time. I will tell it to you then. For now, we need to focus, since….

“…..since Saving the creator, Lucifer is perhaps the most powerful being there is. “ Morpheus interrupted me and I nodded my head in agreement.

“More powerful than any of you?”

“ I do not have any meaning in this comparison, Matthew, believe me” I shrugged

“By far. Especially now.”

“Why now?”

“Last time I was here I was an honored guest. An envoy from my own kingdom. This time I have invited myself, and I lack my symbols of office.”

“But you’re are still Dream of the Endless right? You got your sand.”

“This may not be….” I stopped looking straight ahead as well as the Dream.

“What’s wrong Kay? Boss?”

“Squatterbloat. He’s gone.”

“Is it just me or did the fog just become thicker? I shuddered.

“All right, don’t panic. I’m just gonna fly up and see where we are” he took off the ground.

“Um, Matthew….” I pointed towards the trees and he immediately gave up on his plan.

“Nope. Nope. Not doing that.”

If we needed another reminded we were in hell here it was. The beings that once before were humans were now coadunated with the trees. Their twisted limbs following the branches, their corpses serving as trunks. Their groans and pained expression were rubbing off on me making me gasp in pain and causing my scar to pulsate again. I nearly collapsed behind Dream who didn’t even notice that, too focused on  finding the path, even though he knew it was impossible unless the ruler of the Hell decided to grant the passage through.

“This way. “Squatterbloat appeared again grinning ominously. He was surely instructed by Lucifer on everything he was doing. Or at least I believed so when he guided us up, making us climb in circle on extremely high and steep eminence. On my right there was an abyss, dark and ironically endless.  I forced myself to look ahead instead of down since it made me dizzy and weak. Dream must have felt my emotions since he turned around and grabbed my hand. Highly unlikely behavior but I did not complain since this gesture made me more steady. After all I was not alone here. And neither was he. Maybe he was in need of some comfort too.

“Does this seem like the way to the palace for you?” unlike me and Dream Matthew was not so good at hiding his fear and concern. This Raven had a lot to learn if he were to serve Dream.

“A demon has a hundred motives for what he does.  All of them malevolent.” Dream Lord squeezed my hand “ Demon. This is not the way.”

“Something is not right here.” I mumbled as Squatterbloat smirked and kept on moving without a word “Maybe I should try to …..”

“Kai’ckul?“ before I could finish my proposition of trying to get into demon’s head a women voice came from the left. It seemed like it was some sort of prison for the souls. Tightly closed, some sort of window barred with twisted branches and thorns. I knew this voice and so did Morpheus. And it was not a good sign. We both stopped, our feet rooted to the spot. I risked a glance at his face but his mind was already elsewhere. Head full of memories. “ Dream Lord?” a face of a beautiful, young women appeared behind the crate “ It is you”.  

“I greet you, Nada.“

That women’s eyes were fixed solely on Dream who, in her eyes had quite different attire. The one she knew him thousands years ago when they first met. She had a mix of sadness, relief and unbelief on her face, not sure if what she saw was true. I was glad she only had eyes for Morpheus. We were not exactly friends back in the time. She was rather ….possessive and me being around Dream was something she could never accept. As much as I pitied the situation she was in I could not forget her jealousy and cruelty. I took a step back, almost tripping just observing. It was not my show to participate in. Honestly, I felt a bit awkward being a witness to what was happening.

“Kay…” Matthew whispered into my ear, once again not knowing who was she and why Dream became tense.

“Shh. Later, Matthew. Later.”

“Kai’ckul. How I’ve prayed for this day” Nada spoke nearly crying “I knew you would come”

“It paints me to see you like this.”

“Then free me lord. Only your forgiveness can free me. Do you not still love me?”

“It has been 10.000 years Nada.”  The woman looked down, tears flowing down her cheeks as she took his answer as a no. “Yes, I still love you.” What? Now her whole face just lightened up, her eyes opened wide, she was trying to form a question but was not able to. Why does those words that made her so happy caused me pain? Did he really still love her? I mean, not that I cared but… it’s been so long…..

You are a bad person, Kayleen. How could you even act like this? This poor woman ended up here because of you. You caused her jealousy and her actions towards dream lord. You are a reason of her pain.  I heard a little voice inside my head. It was not mine and I instantly knew the Hell was playing tricks on me now. Guilt and self-torment was the worst kind of suffer and Lucifer knew how to mess with me. My hand was burning and glowing, but luckily no one noticed my struggle. There were more important matters.

“But I have not yet forgiven you. Come Matthew, Kayleen.” Morpheus finished this little exchange of words and that made Nada’s emotions take control of her

“It’s you!” she spat as her eyes landed on me “it’s always you. Why is Reality so cruel on me? He brushed me off and sent me here because of you! But I’m the one on his mind. He will never be with you. You will never get what you want you hear me, Reality?!”

“Nada! This place is making you lose your mind, can’t you see?” I spit “It was never, never about me. He does not care about me that way!” Dream looked at me surprised and with pained expression and at this point I did not know whether it was because I was having an argument with his imprisoned former lover, his emotions and love for her or my words that he didn’t care. “Calm down!”

“Come Kayleen or I shall leave you here alone” Morpheus commanding voice made me move but as we walked away we were chased by Nada’s screams.

“Kai’ckul I will not give up hope. I will never give up!”

Upon that little encounter all came running back. Nada’s and Morpheus history. Their love. Tragic love may I add. It was like a reminder to both him and me that his romantic interest always ended up in suffering. He would never be happy and I would have to watch him suffer and feel that pain as a Reality. Dream was marching on a few steps ahead of me, his posture unnaturally stiff and straight, face blank.

“So, Kay, that woman back there…..” Matthew cawed

“Not my story to tell Matthew. If you want to know ask Dream, not me.”

“But….”

“Just do it. He won’t hurt you because of asking, all right. But if you scared….”

“Hey, boss?”

“Her name was Nada.” Of course he heard what we were talking about behind his back “She was the ruler of the tribe that call themselves the First People. We were in love.” How hard is must have been for him to say it out loud.

“So what did she do? How did she end up here?”

“She defied me.“ not a single change in Dream’s voice was like an indicator that he truly did not forget her disobedience.

“Wait. You put her here?” The Raven’s eyed widened in terror of what Dream was capable of.

“The Morningstar is letting me know that the Hell has prepared for our visit” he cleverly eluded the answer. Matthew looked at me but I just shook my head.

“this is what you get when you mess with his ego” I whispered and since I was looking  at my feet instead of ahead I bumped into Morpheus’s back. He was quick to grab me before I felt and given everything that just happened his touch just felt wrong.

“Why are we stopping?“

“We’re here.” I whispered noticing the palace in the distance. The only thing left to do was to cross the bridge and get through the gates. Easy, right? The last phase of our journey was the one we were supposed to go through by ourselves, without the demon guard. If it wasn’t so gloomy and dark I would think we were crossing the bridge of the Dreaming. That and the blood that flooded the bridge as we knocked on the gates. Matthew was lucky. He used his wings to avoid getting drenched but me, in my simple t-shirt felt the coldness and ominous of this place. We passed the gate and as it closed behind us, that little bit of light and hope that was still lingering in me was gone forcing me to put all of the inside strength in my spell causing my hands to glow a bit stronger in the murk. Thankfully it was only a few steps left to enter Lucifer’s ceremonial chamber. The ruler of hell was standing on the edge of it, back facing us, black wings furled. Calm and gentle by the look of it, but we both knew that was not the truth.

“Hello” she spoke gently, turning around to face us now coming closer, and raising her hand to make the fire in the fireplace grow bigger. “ Hello Dream. Hello, Reality.” I just bowed my head slightly.

“Greetings, to you Lucifer Morningstar. And to you Mazikeen of the Lilim.” He addressed the demon standing in the shadows.

“Greetings, Dream Lord. Reality.”

“You look well Dream. Are you well?. And your family? Destiny, Death, Despair and the others?

“I presume the Ruler of Hell knows this is no social call”

“Have you come to join forces then? To ally your realm to ours? To acknowledge the sovereignty of Hell?” Lucifer smiled angel-like at the very thought. Oh, I bet she would love if that were to happen.

“You know my feelings on that Lightbringer.”

“Feelings change. Especially  when one has been caught and imprisoned by mortals. We expected better of you sweet Morpheus. “ Dream was a second before losing his calmness and before I could think I spoke

“Lucifer. Are we done with the pleasantries, here? You know the reason behind our … visit, don’t you?”

“Reality” Lucifer smiled back at me “it’s been a while since we saw each other. How is your hand? Your mark? Not causing trouble, I hope?”

“Not really. However ….”

“I have come because my helm of State has been stolen from me” Morpheus shut me down, disapproval of my actions on his face. “I believe one of your demons has it. I shall like it back.” he hesitated as the tension between him and Lucifer were growing. “Now” I know from experience that no monarch reacts well on commands and threats and this time was no difference as Lucifer made a sad expression.

“Dream” she pouted “If only it were that easy. But there are rules you see, protocols which must be followed.”

“So bound to the principles, Lucifer. It does not look good on you….” I fell down on my knees as the pain in my hand and truly and entire arm up the heart took over me.

“Release the girl, Lucifer. This matter is between me and your subject. She will stand back.”

“Knowing her I don’t think she will. After all, she’s the one to come here with you just to keep an eye on you and protect you.”

“I don’t need her protection.”

“Surely not” Lucifer raised eyebrows as she lighten her invisible grip and I was able to breathe again, Matthew jumping right next to me making sure I was ok.  “Now, which demon has your helm? Name it and we will bring it here“

“I confess I do not know the name.” Hard pill to swallow for his pride.

“Then we will have to summon all of them. “ Lucifer approached the edge of the room once again raising her hand and calling upon her subjects. Morpheus helped me off the ground and as we looked down… There were hundreds of demons, all angered, ready for fight. Nothing like dream’s nightmares. This residents were far more dangerous and erratic.

“Then now Dream, you may inquire. Which demon has your helmet? Shall we interview them one at a time or …..”

“That won’t be necessary.” I answered for him not caring if he would get mad at me. I was not a girl to stand in the back and let someone else drive even if this situation was not about me. I just felt inside that Dream could use a bit of support for a change and a couple of seconds to regain himself. And he did. Just not really in the way I expected when he turned around towards the exit.

“It surprises us how easily you would give up Dream.” Well, it is new to me too. “We know how you relied upon your tools. But tools are the subtlest of traps. We become reliant upon them and in their absence we are vulnerable, weak, defenseless. “

“Not entirely. I have recovered my sand. It brought me to Hell and now it brings that which is mine in Hell to me.” He started to spread his sand on the floor and I smirked. It seemed like he had a plan after all. Unnoticeably I waved my hand helping the sand to flow on the wind and a few second later a new being appeared in the chamber. Holding Dream’s precious helm. Now, it was going to be a challenge for Dream’s temper.  I stood my ground, fighting the urge to stand behind him and hold his hand. That would be …. Unwise, giving the circumstances. After all, he had to appear strong and independent and I knew that. And that was also why I hold Matthew back before he came closer to his boss.

“Tell me your name, Demon.”

“Do I have to tell him?” the demon whined

“That is Choronzon. A duke of hell.” Ruler of Hell introduced his subject.

“Choronzon.” Dream let the name hang on his tongue ”The helm is mine. You must return it to me.“

“No. it’s mine now.  I traded it for a mortal for a paltry thing. It was a fair trade. I broke no laws. And if the Dream King wants his helm back he will have to fight me for it.”

Dream’s face stiffened as he said those words that were supposed to change everything.

“Very well. I challenge you, Choronzon”

“You know the rules, Dream Lord.” The demon smiled ominously.

“If I win you will return my helmet.” Of course Dream focused only on the positive outcome. I hoped it was out of his confidence.

“And if you lose, you will serve as my slave in Hell. For eternity.” Right. The other side of the coin. 

“I accept the terms.”

Matthew cawed loudly which made the whole situation even more serious.

“What is this challenge about Kay?”

“Mostly about imagination. Change. Wisdom.”

“It’s not boss’s strongest trait, am I right?” the Raven asked nervously.

“I’m afraid not….” I shifted my gaze between the demon and the dream. What an irony.

“And who will you choose to represent you in the battle?” Lucifer asked

“I shall represent him!” I spit without hesitation.

“You will not….”

“It has been decided” I gazed him. Ok, I defied him, but what was he going to do? Put me in hell? Well, a little late for that.

“I am sorry Kayleen. As much as I appreciate your effort rules of Hell does not allow human to participate.”

“I am not a mere human, Morningstar” I hissed “I am….”

“The Reality. Yes. And therefore you should not even be here, let alone participate in the game. You shall stand your ground, quietly and do not interfere. I hope I make myself clear” I felt defeated but had no choice but to retreat.

“I shall represent myself” Dream stated coldly turning away from me with inscrutable expression. Oh, he sure hate me know. Good. Let’s hope this pain make him win.

“Choronzon, whom will you choose to represent you?”

“I choose you, sire.”

His words hanged. That was not something we have expected and yet maybe we should have. After all, demons are sneaky bastards known to bend the rules and twist the facts to suit them. This was no difference. Dream showed no fear but his eyes gave him away with that signature wet glint. Shit! This was supposed to be me. He was not smart enough to fight the devil. He may know him, but it was I who spend the eternity amongst human, seeing how twisted decisions they can make. I was the one to learn how to adapt to circumstances and retorts attacks.

“Apologies, Dream, but the laws of Hell demand that I become his champion. But if you would not fight me…...”

“I have accepted the terms. Let the challenge begin.” He shifted towards the Morningstar now dressed in his leather suit. Yeah, right, like the way he looked was most important thing at the moment.

“Matthew. “ I whispered to the raven “it is official, now. Your boss is an idiot and a diva. Not sure which is worse.”

***

“Welcome. Ladies and gentleman.” Choronzon acted like a host of some crazy TV show.  “Today for you entertainment and delectation, a formal challenge. The challenger is Dream.” He mocked . “Once the Master of the Realm of sleep. As the challenged, I have selected my champion. Ruler of Hell, Lucifer Morningstar. To represent me in the contest of skill, confidence and transformation. The oldest game” his words were widely applauded by the gathered demons. Oh, this was really going to be a shitshow.

While Lucifer, Choronzon and Dream were standing in a place where everyone could see them me and Matthew were hanging in the back quietly discussing what was about to happen. Well, more like I was explaining to him the next steps.

“What is this game, Kay? Do you know?”

“I do. Though I wish I didn’t “

“Tell me….”

“It’s about transformation, like Choronzon said. Basically, each of them would imagine to be something, a being, a creation, a natural phenomenon and the other would have to come up with something to beat it, you know. “

“Like what?”

“Like… ok, imagine me being a worm, and then the opponent would turn into a bird, and the other move would be a hunter and then a flu or something like that …”

“Ok, now I get it.”

We were so deep in our talk that we did not notice Morpheus approaching us.

“Matthew. I need to return to the Dreaming. And you Kayleen, you shall go back to the Waking.

“What? No!” We protested in unison.

“I’m not getting you out of my sight. You can’t do this alone, Dream. You lack craft that Lucifer has in surplus.”

“Well, I;m not leaving either, boss.”

“It’s the only reason I allowed you both to come”.

“So we could leave you?” Matthew titled his head and I frowned. Maybe Dream truly did lost his mind.

“If I should not be able to leave this place I would not have Lucienne left alone with no word of my fate. Not again.” he looked at me with pained expression almost like a reminder what we both been through during his imprisonment. “And I know you will take care of the Dreaming, Reality. The sand will take you back.”

“I am not going back.” Matthew insisted.

“Neither do I” I crossed my arms stubbornly “don’t even look at me.”

“Kayleen…” Dream stood up to my level and gently put an arm on my shoulder “Don’t do this…..”

“Do what?”

“I don’t want you to see me….”

“You won’t lose, ok?” I grabbed his hands “but it still should have been me, you fool”

“Kayleen….”

“Morpheus? Am I interrupting a preliminary bout of some kind?” Lucifer finally took a notice of our conversation and interrupted it causing us both to jump back a bit embarrassed of letting guards down and feelings out. Dream looked at me once again, eyes full of passion and  something more I was not really able to decipher so I just raised one corner of mouth.

“Just a ringside pep talk, Your Majesty.” Matthew bowed his head “We came here for the Helm and we’re not leaving here without it. “

“We shall see.“ Lucifer smiled viciously.

Matthew was lucky since he took off and flew away to the nearest pillar placing himself in a position that allowed him to watch the whole scene from the distance. Since I could not do this Morningstar focused his gaze on me.

“No interfering, Reality. This is between me and Dream Lord. No help, no hints, no tricks”

“I would never” I smirk.

“Oh, I know you would. You are a rebel in many forms, especially when it comes to protecting the ones you care about. Because you do care about Dream, don’t you?” she came closer “despite all his lovers and romances you are still here with him, not letting go” she whispered “I wonder what that means.”

“it means I support him. Just like Maze does for you”

“Perhaps. And speaking of Mazikeen, she will watch your every move from now on. Very carefully, so watch yourself, Reality”. With that words she left me and began the game.

“As the challenged I set the meter and take the first move“ she stood opposite Dream.

“Very well. Make your move.”

Let the hunger games begin. Sorry, not the time for jokes, I know.  

“I am a dire wolf. Prey-stalking, lethal prowler.“ Instantly everyone in the room has an image of the predator in their head. The one emerging from the shadow, showing his teeth in carnal instincts.

“I am a hunter. Horse-mounted, wolf-stabbing.” Dream retorted and suddenly Lucifer gasped and clenched on his stomach where she felt the sting of the hunter’s spear.

“I am a serpent. Horse-biting, poison-toothed.” An invisible amphibian jumped towards Dream’s trapper and pack a fair amount of toxin into his body. His face became purple and his veins extended and starting to pulsate. I shifted nervously, rubbing my hands almost using my light to help him, but Maze gave me a warning glance and I stepped back, biting on my lip as I watched the scene unfold.

“I am a bird of prey. Snake-devouring, talons ripping.” Good safe  I though as Lucifer bend feeling claws scratching her cheek in unimaginable power. She was now furious knowing this wasn’t going to be an easy fight.

 “I am a butcher bacterium. Warm life destroying” Morpheus fell down on his knees and this caused Matthew to flew down back on my shoulders.

“Not a move or we are all lost” I whispered to him, forcing myself to stand down.  

“I am a world. Space floating. Life nurturing.” With those words the peace surrounded us all. Only for a while though

“I am a ….. nova” Lucifer spread her wings in utter frustration and power. “All exploding, planet cremating.“ the impact of the hit made me stagger and close my eyes for a second. If that had such an impact on me what was it doing to Morpheus now? It’s not real, it’s not real. Focus on Reality.  

“I am a universe. All things encompassing, all life embracing. “ He was still fighting even if it was visible how much effort it was now taking

“I am …. anti-life. The beast of judgement. The dark at the end of everything.”  Why is the room so dark and cold. Why does it feel like Death is coming for us. Why do I feel like giving up all hope….? I closed my eyes dealing with all the pain inside “ What will you be then Dream Lord?” Oh, shit! Morpheus!

“I… I….I….” he was on the floor, barely breathing, faltering and shaking. His face was pale and his body was slowly giving up on him. Without hesitation and ignoring Mazikeen watchful gaze and her spear pointed towards me I made a dart for the place where he was lying, Matthew close on my feet. Surprisingly, no one stopped us, probably because Lucifer believed she won.  I gently lifted his head and placed it on my lap.

“You idiot” I whispered “I told you it should have been me, I am smarter than you.”

“Boss? Hey, boss.“ Matthew added in frightened voice.

“Still with us, Dream.” Morningstar approached the three of us, his voice just a bit mocking.

My eyes were burning. At this moment I was capable of anything. Wise or stupid, never mind, but I would burn Hell to the ground if …”  

“He is and it is his move, you majesty” Matthew;s words made me sit up and took notice.

“There are no more moves.”  She said coldly “What can survive the anti-life?”

“Morpheus, hey, listen to us“ I put a hand on his cheek, flicking his messed up hair back from his eyes “this is just a game of imagination, ok? This is not reality. Just believe in what you can create. Trust you can think bigger than that.” I whispered a bit afraid to reveal that I was in fact breaking the rule of no interfering.

“Boss, you know what can survive the anti-life? You. Dreams don’t fucking die. Not if you believe in them. And I Believe Dream of the endless would never leave his raven and his friend here alone in hell, with Lucifer.”

Dream blinked moving slightly in my lap and then started to regain his composure.

“I… am….” He muttered “Hope” with that words he slowly stood up back to Lucifer’s level, back in his full power, colors back on his face, all the poison and despair rinsed. The chamber was filled with light and brightness that made me cover my eyes in protection. That was… a bit cheesy and sentimental can’t lie, but also refreshing and I sighed in relief. He was back on his feet, unlike me.

“ Hope….” Lucifer was shocked with such turn of events.

“Well, Lightbringer. It’s your move. What is it that kills hope?”

Having no answer to that Morningstar turned towards the demon.

“Choronzon, give him his helm.” He ordered

“No. I won’t It’s mine” the duke of hell defied “please” he then futilely begged. Mazikeen approached him and with all her strength (which was a lot) grabbed him by his throat, reached for Morpheus’s precious tool and threw Choronzon right at the arrayed crowd. No grief for him on my part.  

“Thank you, Mazikeen.” Morpheus clenched his hands on the helm acknowledging her ”Thank you, Lighbringer. The ruler of Hell is honorable, indeed. I will not forget this.”

“Honorable? You joke, surely. “ Lucifer hissed. “Look out there Morpheus” she pointed down and I followed her movement ”The billions lord of hell stay arrayed about you. Tell us, why should we let you leave. Helmet or no you have no power here. After all, what power have dreams in hell?”

“You say I have no power here. Perhaps you speak truly. But to say dreams have no power in Hell…” he shook his head. “Tell me Lucifer Morningstar, what power would Hell have if those here imprisoned were not able to dream… of Heaven?” Oh! Maybe he was not an idiot after all. This one… this took courage and smartness and even I hummed impressed.

“One day, Morpheus…. we shall destroy you.”

“Until that day, Lighbringer” he shot her a glance, speaking with his darkest and lowest voice, bowing his head slightly and turned around to walk away. On the halfway he grabbed my hand again leading me towards the exit almost like if I was not able to walk myself. Well…. To tell the truth… I wasn’t. What he did made my legs become jelly and my cheek  flushed so I let him walk me up towards the gate where he let go.

“Don’t ever do this again” he stopped

“Do what? Save your ass?”

“Defy me. It was not your place or duty to try to take my place in the challenge. You believe me to be weak?”

“I believe you to be stupid.” I exclaimed

“Careful with your words, Reality” he stepped closer, not looking me in the eyes which was a bit suspicious.

“Why can’t you look me in the eyes, Dream?”

“Don’t make me.”

“And why is that?”

“You may see something you don’t like. Kay.” he muttered putting hands on my shoulder and resting his forehead on mine, his lips inches away from mine. He started to lean in a bit, brushing his nose on mine, his hands moving towards my waist and I couldn’t help but wanted more almost giving in when he pulled away. “ You helped me and therefore I shall not punish you, but try that once again and I shall not be so forgiving. You strain my patience, Reality.” Oh shit! Was it just me or did Hell just became a bit hotter? I was definitely feeling warm.

“You think Lucifer will come after you?” Matthew asked as we were back on the Hill we arrived on.

“Why?” nope. Still not so smart. Dream learned nothing.

“Because you just publicly humiliated the Ruler of Hell.” I mocked, but he did not bother answering putting on his helm

“Can you even see in that thing?”

“I can see the ruby.”

Once again he reached towards his pouch of sand and made us appear in some tight and cluttered room. There was an unusual glow coming from one of the boxes and when Dream opened it he finally got his ruby back, almost smiling. This expression was however wiped off fast as he realized it was different.

“Something’s wrong. Someone altered it.” And a second away a wave of power got him flying back and knocking unconscious against the wall. Suddenly all of my senses were going crazy. I felt panic and pain. Someone really was messing with unearthly powers. Hurting Waking and in process hurting me. I whined in pain feeling this person approaching.

“Matthew. Stay with him” I moved towards the door.

“And where are you going?! Don’t leave me here with him.”

“Sorry, Matthew. I’m going to deal with some lunatic tampering with my realm.”

And this was not going to be easy.

@marvelsmylife

@wickedly-grim

@thereeallink

@lisacarolined

@boofy1998

@endlessdreamqueen

@mikariell95

@pinksirensong

@amandarobertsboyce

@somest1

[myveryownfanfiction]

18+ MINORS AND THOSE WITHOUT AGE IN BIO DNI

OTHERWISE YOU WILL BE BLOCKED

Chapter 11

Warnings: vampire feeding, jealousy

David and I woke up just as the sun set. We left the building and took his bike right to the boardwalk. As I held onto him, I couldn’t stop the rush of new feelings and urges that rushed past just as quickly.

“You doing ok back there?” Davids voice was soft as we took a sharp turn.

“Yeah. It’s just…” I loosened my grip on his waist. “It’s a lot.“ he chuckled and nodded, shooting a glance at me over his shoulder. “And there’s this…need underneath it all.“ he nodded again.

“yeah that’s maxs blood finishing up the shift. And mixing with mine. It’s gonna feel like your high for a bit.” David pulled up in front of the video store like he normally did and helped me off. “That other need can be solved easily enough. If you’re ready.“ I nodded, knowing exactly what he was talking about. “Wanna see max?” He teased. I rolled my eyes and took his hand anyway.

“he’s gonna be so pissed.” I giggled. David chuckled as he led the way into the store. I waved at (Y/F/N) before walking over to the managers office. I turned around and waved David off. “He’ll freak if he sees you with me. Best go hang out with (Y/F/N).” David kissed my cheek before turning towards the counter. I knocked on the door and poked my head in. "Hiya Max." I chirped as I walked in.

"(Y/N). You missed your shift today." I draped myself in one of the chairs in front of Max's desk. He didn't seem too pleased to see me. Or maybe it was just the fact he already knew.

"Let's just say I missed a kind of shift. One, by the way, you said I could take off." I smirked as I looked him over. "Why didn't you tell me Max?" He looked up from his paperwork and gave me a once over.

"About what?" I scoffed and stood up.

"Vampires Max. Vampires." I walked up to his desk and leaned on it. "Specifically, your own little gang of Lost Boys." Max raised an eyebrow and I giggled to myself. "So does that make you Peter Pan? Because I could swear you were Captain Hook." Max stood to his full height, but it no longer intimidated me.

"(Y/N), whatever that boy told you about me is wrong. You have to know that. It is his gang and his coven. Nothing more nothing less. I keep out of his way and he keeps out of mine. Do well to remember that next time you want to come in here making accusations." I fist pumped.

"So you are a vamp! Ding ding ding we have a winner!" Max looked me over again and his eyes widened for a second.

"He mixed the blood." It was said too quietly but I heard it clear as day.

"Yep. Yours and his. So wanna try again Max? Are you Peter Pan or are you Captain Hook?" I watched as Max walked out to the floor of the video store and searched for David. "Be careful doing that Maxie! David ain't too happy with you right now!" Max spun around at my comment and marched back into his office.

"And why is that?" He leered.

"That's for me to know and you to find out." I teased, the thoughts in my head making it hard for even me to know if I was telling the truth or not. "Anyway, just stopped by to let you know. Oh and that I quit." I pranced out of the room and waved to my friend. David had left the store and was chatting with the boys as they turned up.

"So?" David asked. I giggled as I flung myself into his arms. "Alright you're fairly drunk at this point." I wasn't drunk but some part of me rationalized that comment was for the passers-by and not me.

"I may have told Max you were mad at him." I leaned against his shoulder. "So come up with a reason to be." David chuckled as he gently and slowly led me further down the boardwalk with the boys. "Oh and I quit." David nodded, knowing even tomorrow I wouldn't question that decision. "So....can we get something to eat?"

"That's the plan babe." David was careful as we walked down the stairs and landed on the beach. He was playing up my inebriated state and leading me further towards the bonfire roaring in the distance. "Tonight is going to be easy since it's your first time. As you learn more about your abilities, it'll be get harder. More like a hunter looking for prey. But I know you won't have a problem with that." We reached the edge of the bonfire and David pulled me into the shadow of the boardwalk. "These assholes are drunk. They also were harassing (Y/F/N) back at the store. So we're going to take this nice and easy. Walk out to the one with his back to us, lean over and just bite his neck. Instinct will take over from there." I nodded and followed David's instructions. It didn't surprise me that it seemed like I already knew what to do. Nor did it surprise me that despite thinking blood had tasted like a copper penny my whole life, it now tasted like the best thing in the entire world. What did surprise me was the mess that it made. After taking out one guy, the others panicked. David and the boys swooped in, containing them and allowing me to feast until I couldn't feast anymore. Then they started. The best description I could think of was a shark frenzy. And I loved it. When it was over, David walked towards me and slung his arm over my shoulder.

"Better than I expected it to be honestly." I laughed as I used my sleeve to wipe off the blood staining my cheeks.

"Feeling better now?" David asked, using his thumb to wipe off a few streaks that I had missed. I nodded and followed him as he started for his bike.

"Much."

[chaosandgunpowder]

So how is chapter 11 coming along? btw, I would read the shit out of sci-fi au. But finish PD first, pretty pretty please?

Ahaha, don't worry, I'll definitely be finishing PD first before properly starting that monster. I'd get major characterisation bleed between the two if I tried to seriously do both, I think. That being said, I have taken a small break from ch11 the past week or so to note down all the little plot points/write key scenes/dialogue exchanges that have sprung forth for the scifi AU, because I will be SUPER pissed at myself if I come back to it later and can't remember half the frickin plot.

Chapter 11 is...coming along. Ha. We're currently at approx 10-11k, though I've not checked each separate document recently to be too accurate.

Honestly it's not as far finished as I would like, considering how long I've spent staring at it, though the longest and most agonising part (going from a whole-ass list of plot points that need to be touched on to a detailed plan of the scenes, flow between them, where and how those points will all be hit naturally, etc) is now fully done, which I am fucking ecstatic about because now I can just pad it all out.

Easy right?

She says, when padding it out will be adding an extra 15k...

[cosplayprincess21]

I posted 471 times in 2022

140 posts created (30%)

331 posts reblogged (70%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@acilykos-art

@disasterpersonified

@im-surviving-off-of-tea11

@the-ancient-ocean

@headphonemouse

I tagged 226 of my posts in 2022

#dr stone - 176 posts

#dcst - 168 posts

#dr. stone - 151 posts

#drst - 127 posts

#gen asagiri - 72 posts

#asagiri gen - 72 posts

#ryusui nanami - 59 posts

#senku ishigami - 54 posts

#kohaku - 51 posts

#nanami ryusui - 42 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#seriously ive rewatched dr.stone. how i met your mother. the originals and moriarty the patriot multiple times now

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Senku hcs

Oh this shall be fun

Realizes he's aromantic asexual in middle school. Everyone else was going on about romance and dating and all that other stuff, and all he cared about was science.

Was the one lecturing people in elementary school about why certain super powers can't be real and crushed the hopes and dreams of those wanting lazer vision

Would secretly leave Taiju money or other things he needed but pretended he had no idea where they came from

Since hes the definition of aroace, his gaydar is never wrong

Tried to figure out if he could turn himself into a robot as a kid, it did not work

Speaking of robots, he had robot pj's up until he was 11 in which he traded them for science ones

His experiments would make stay up late into the night, so naturally, he developed a taste for energy drinks.

At night he will sometimes think of Byakuya and remember all the memories he has with his dad, he might try to act like the man was embarrassing and all, but deep down hes a kid who never got to say goodbye to his dad

The only two people he can fully confide in are Taiju and Yuzuirha

While its common for kids who are adopted to want to know about their biological parents, he doesnt. He had Byakuya after all, and Byakuya is his dad, nothing else matters.

Hope you like them. Senku is a very fun character to make headcanons for.

45 notes - Posted March 28, 2022

#4

no one in Dr.STONE is an autistic retard so why do you plan to make a post about it? just cause you're retarded doesnt mean they are

congrats you got me to use Tumblr Desktop instead of my phone because im going to have a lot to say.

First of all, fuck off with the R word here, its an outdated and harmful term thats rooted in Ableism. Secondly i was going to ignore this and delete it when i saw the first line but then you also decided to insult me so you know enjoy getting your ass handed to you.

But whats wrong with noticing that certain characters in Dr.STONE are ASD coded? Like everyone accepts that Ryusui has ADHD but being autistic is something bad right? News Flash it isnt. Also show me where in the manga that Sai and Yuzuriha dont show traits of autism? i feel explaining to you would be a waste of energy but just know this is only going to make my post on it even longer cause holy fuck the beginning will now have a rant about people like you. Do me a favor and never send an ask here again and kindly fuck off.

Also this comment really pissed me off and i was going to focus on just Sai and Yuzuriha but now im gonna add Magma,Senku and Ruri to this as well cause ive also been seeing them as ASD coded but have been keeping that to myself.

47 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

#3

so i finished fmab

sobbing crying wailing etc it was SO GOOD and completely destroyed me at the same time fhjfjkfjhfkjhsahjsdjhfkjdjghdkjsk definitely the anime of all time

welcome to the world of FMAB. The obsession will never leave, and the pain gets worse with every rewatch. But with that also comes seeing little things you never noticed before which makes the series even better. 

47 notes - Posted January 23, 2022

#2

Ok so ill be posting about the final chapter soon but. IM SO HAPPY SENKU DIDNT GET ANY LOVE INTERESTS. HES AROACE AND STAYS AROACE HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

54 notes - Posted March 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Ok but i really need to know what people have against aroace characters? Like theres nothing wrong with any character being aroace but for some reason it just causes others to be so upset and for what? Ive seen it with mostly One Piece and The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. Luckily havent seen it as much with Dr.STONE or at least on tumblr. The number of people ive blocked on tiktok for getting upset about Senku being CANONICALLY aroace is ridiculous. But yeah can someone just explain this to me? Cause aroace exist and we do deserve to have our representation in media and not in the "oh im rude because im aroace and thats my only personality" way. But in a way where we ardnt dehumanized for not feeling romantic or sexual attraction.

331 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Here to Misbehave (Pt. 20 | S.R.)

Series Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20 | Part 21 | Part 22 | Part 23 | Finale |

Summary: Reader lies to Spencer.

A/N: Please read the content warnings for this one if you have basically any triggers, lol. This is a very heavy chapter - it is the penultimate climax of the story. Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Angst (NSFW) Content Warning: 🚨 IMPORTANT – READ BEFORE READING🚨 This episode covers a number of very dark topics, and should be approached at a time when you have support systems available. Potential triggering topics include: sexual assault, violations of consent, suicide, self-harm, pregnancy/termination, infertility, domestic dispute, fighting, and underage drinking, sex w/ blanket consent Word Count: 11K

MASTERLIST

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Rossi’s house was every bit as extravagant as I had expected. I had come in honestly hoping to be slightly disappointed so I could mock him for it, but, as always, he had to force his appearance to be as unnecessarily elegant as possible.

That being said, I was a little surprised to find that most everyone gathered in one spot - the kitchen. It was only to be expected, considering it was usually the happiest room in the home. That certainly remained true for Rossi. But they were also all gathered there because that was where the wine was – wine that I was not allowed to drink.

Rossi didn’t have a problem with it… Spencer did. Because of course he did. And while I politely declined when Rossi offered me some, anyway, I found another offer a little more tempting. Which explains why I found myself clutching Derek’s flask and draining half the contents quickly enough to remind him that I was, in fact, in college.

And if anyone were to ask, I would simply tell them that we were hanging out in the hall outside the bathroom to have a very deep and secret heart-to-heart about our shared love for a certain mop headed genius. It would have been the perfect cover to use on pretty much everyone except…

“Ahem.”

The sound of Spencer’s throat clearing behind me was enough to cause me to choke, and I quickly tossed the closed flask back to an already giggling Derek as I shouted, “Fuck!” I didn’t even turn around when his hand snaked around my hip. Instead, I just groaned.

“The narc’s here,” I whispered to Derek, but he knew better than to answer.

“The narc?” Spencer balked, much to his friend’s delight.

“It was fun while it lasted,” Derek offered in consolation, taking a swig out of the flask and earning a very defensive glare from my boyfriend. In fact, Spencer seemed downright pissed, which wasn’t what I had been expecting when I agreed.

Oops. What’s the male equivalent of a cat fight?

“Morgan, didn’t you lecture me about her drinking underage a few months ago?” he snapped, grabbing the flask from a more than willing Derek. Spencer sniffed the contents and immediately recoiled, tossing it back again.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he mumbled, shooting a glance down to see me sort of just making heart eyes at the sight of my boyfriend being a stupid level of jealous that I'd been caught in the hallway with another boy.

“How does that make it better? That makes it patently worse,” he argued. Derek might have responded to it, too, if I hadn’t latched myself onto Spencer’s side.

“You’re so cute when you get all stupid and possessive,” I drawled, burying my face in his shoulder in what I think was supposed to be a playful kiss, but actually just ended up being a muffled laugh.

“That,” Derek chuckled, pointing to me teetering back and forth on my heels at Spencer’s side, “That is my cue to leave.” With one final wink, he whispered, “Don’t be too hard on him, Princess.”

Spencer’s angry sigh and entirely stiff posture should have served as my warning, but it was just funny to me at the time.

“They all think I’m the boss of us,” I giggled. “Me! The boss!”

“You’re drunk.” His tone dropped the second Derek was out of earshot, and on intimidation alone, he managed to back me against the wall.

“So is everyone but you. They won’t even notice,” I mumbled, although the more the hallway started to spin, the less I believed that. I'd never been very good at math or shots, and this was a pretty horrible miscalculation of just how much of my tolerance I’d lost.

“You really couldn’t wait a few more months? Or at least until we got home?”

He was chastising me, and I just wasn’t there to hear it. I probably could have figured it out if I’d tried, but it all sounded like sexy nonsense at the time. Walking my fingers down his chest, I paused at his belly before hooking them in his pants and pulling his hips against mine.

“I’m allowed to drink if my daddy says so,” I purred.

Spencer didn’t find my taunt as charming as I’d hoped, and before I knew it his hand was roughly pressed over my jaw. He tilted my head back to look him in the eyes, and I wondered if he could smell the whiskey on my breath.

“Well, I didn’t,” he growled.

I never said I was a perfect person, or even a smart one. And when I was drinking and Spencer whipped out his Daddy voice, I don’t know what he really expected me to do. But apparently, trying to grab his dick through his pants was the wrong move. He snatched my hand away quickly, slamming it against the wall before he continued his little impromptu lecture.

“I’m not rewarding you for this. We’re going home.”

“That’s not a very scary threat,” I deadpanned, throwing my body weight back against the wall.

That lasted about four seconds before he pulled me back to my feet and leaned forward to whisper in my ear. “Just wait, little girl. Just you wait until I get my fucking hands on you.”

I was going to make a snarky joke, to remind him that his hands were surely and firmly already on me, but I never got the chance. We were both too distracted by the very loud and very high pitched squeal of Penelope as she rounded the corner.

“Ah! I saw nothing!” she shouted, covering her face with her hands and refusing to remove them.

“Yeah, because we aren’t doing anything,” I laughed. But then, being the slightly cruel brat that I was, I stuck my tongue out at Spencer before tacking on a completely unnecessary, “anymore.”

“We weren’t doing anything before either!” he squeaked back. He wasn’t using his Daddy voice anymore. So swiftly, so easily, he’d been knocked from his higher footing.

Penelope took the words to heart, but only enough to slowly lower her fingers and peek between them. With a shaky voice and an awkward laugh, she started to rant. “Oh. It’s fine. I’m cool. We’re all cool. We don’t have to talk about that thing from the first time I met you ever again. Because we said we’d never talk about it again, do you remember that?”

“I do remember that,” I answered with a very sarcastic tone and a nod.

“And I just brought it up again, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” I whispered, “Yes, you did.”

“I’m so sorry. Spencer, Hotch is looking for you,” she rushed, turning to the beet-red boy at my side. “Okay, that’s it. Take your time, because I’m cool and not at all mortified.” She was basically already gone before she'd even finished talking, taking off in the direction she'd come from while downing the drink in her hand.

With a loose, clumsy wave I shouted back, “Bye, Penelope.”

“Mortified is a good word. An accurate word,” Spencer huffed as he wiped a hand over his face. His bashfulness, while cute, was not as exciting as the pre-Penelope behavior.  

Running my hands underneath his blazer and up his back, I pressed my chest against his. “Gosh, Dr. Reid. You need to be more appropriate in such a public setting.”

The words, while meant to get him riled up, did more to frustrate me. My drunken mind was more than happy to revert to the metro, and before I knew it, my daydreams were filled with images of Spencer stuffing me into the tiniest closet he could find and having his way with me.

“Oh, I’m the one lacking manners?” Spencer chuckled as he apparently read my very lewd thoughts. He pried my arms off of him and pulled them back to rest at my sides before pressing a strangely chaste kiss on my forehead. “Go get your stuff. I’m going to go talk to Hotch and I’ll meet you by the door.”

Before he disappeared around the corner, he shot me one last warning glance and ordered, “Do not mingle!”

“Don’t worry, I will!” I yelled back.

Once he was gone, it was my job to figure out how to make my body work again. Luckily, it wasn’t the first time I’d had too much to drink in a room filled with drunk adults. Granted, they usually weren’t all cops, but, whatever.

Turns out, it somehow made it easier. I managed to grab my things off the counter without alerting anyone except Penelope, who quickly turned back around with a blush. She probably figured I was gonna go blow him in the bathroom or something. I’d have been offended if the thought hadn’t literally just crossed my mind. I made it all the way to the door before I heard it. Back through the halls, a few of the group had separated to talk about how much harder it had been to see Hotch and JJ. It was nothing, just a little bug spreading through daycares like wildfire. That wasn’t what upset me, though.

No, the thoughts running through my head were more than just a passing thought of kids sick with a cold. I looked up at the walls of the entryway to Rossi’s home and saw intricate moulding and nothingness. I saw the exquisite, pristine rug underneath my feet, and I thought about how lonely it felt.

I was standing in a house that should have felt happy, filled with friends and family and love. There was no doubt that everyone who was there wanted to be there, and probably had nowhere else they’d rather be. But the tall ceilings and thousands of square feet felt so goddamn empty.

It isn’t the building, I heard a tiny, terrified voice call out from inside my own conscience.

It’s you. You’re empty.

I had to leave. I had to get out of the house. I had to hear the silence so that the nothingness would feel more appropriate and less noticeable. I couldn’t let them see me, because if they saw me, they would know. They would know that I was nothing but a husk of the girl they used to know. Without even thinking, I threw the door open, stumbling forward and almost falling flat on my face as I misjudged the small step down to the patio.

“Fuck!” I muttered, the world rocking around me with a stubborn persistence. If it weren’t for the frankly freezing temperature, I was sure I would have been sick. To make matters worse, there was a person quickly approaching.  

“Hey, are you and Spence leaving already?”

It was JJ. Thank god, it was JJ. Probably the only person who wouldn’t make fun of me for being a mess on Rossi’s steps after only a few shots of whatever Morgan was drinking.

“Oh. Hey, JJ. Yeah. He’s…” I turned to my side, half expecting Spencer to be there to answer for me. But he wasn’t, so I ended up just pointing to the closed door before slurring, “he’s doing a thing.”

She was, per usual, very kind when faced with my buffoonery, and just laughed as she shook her head. “A thing. Sounds like him.”

I honestly thought that would be the end of it. It was a good, easy segue into a farewell. She already knew we were leaving, and she knew Spencer well enough to know that he wouldn’t leave me alone for long.

And I think she almost did leave. She almost walked right past me and into the warmth and comfort of a home filled with family and friends. But she didn’t. She stopped and asked me the one question I was really hoping she wouldn’t.

“Are you alright?”

I didn’t want her to ask because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to lie to her. Even if I could have managed it, she would have seen right through me in a second. Not only would it have been an exercise in futility, but she would also know that I thought it was worth it to try to lie.

So, I was honest… quite possibly too honest.

“No, not really. But it’s a lot and I’m kind of drunk, so…”

The mom eyes appeared so quickly, with JJ’s body turning entirely away from the door and over to me. “Not usually a good combination, but an understandable one,” she softly replied, wrapping her arms around herself to make up for the fact that she was sacrificing her comfort in many different ways to talk to me, instead.  

She was probably just being nice— staying with me until Spencer could come take over the babysitting of the drunk twenty year old, but I wasn’t exactly thinking critically at the time. Which is only part of the reason why I blurted out the only thing on my mind; the thing that had been haunting me for longer than I wanted to admit even to myself, much less another person.

“Has Spencer ever talked to you about kids?”

The air, still freezing, also fell uncomfortably silent.

“Oh…” she mumbled under her breath, clearly unsure of how to handle that particular minefield of a topic. Especially with her best friend’s girlfriend, who also happened to be drunk. I almost told her to forget about it, but then she looked up at me with a powerful resolve. “Yeah, he has. Why?”

I thought about my next words more carefully, although you wouldn’t have been able to tell considering how much I stuttered.

“Do you think… Do you think he’d be happy if… I can’t have them?” I asked, wringing my hands together over my stomach. “Like, not just happy today, but like ten years from now?” I could hear how desperate I sounded, but I needed someone to hear the words playing on loop in my mind. Absolutely frantic and with tears pooling in my eyes, I asked, “Do you think he’d still love me if I can’t give him kids?”

“(Y/n), slow down. It’s okay!” JJ urged, lunging forward to cup my cheeks and gently wipe away any stray tears. “Don’t cry! You’ll ruin your make up and it looks like you spent a lot of time on it.”

I had to laugh because not only was it my exact brand of humor, she said it with such a serious face that I had to wonder if it was genuinely her biggest concern. Of course, I knew it wasn’t. In her usual JJ way, she just knew the easiest way to cheer me up was with a laugh.

“Yeah, there’s like $80 on my face, it’s really not worth it to cry,” I agreed, sniffling softly when she finally pulled away her hands. At least I could blame that part on the cold.

“Exactly. And if you cry, then I’ll cry, and then I’ll also ruin my make up, and we’ll just be $150 down the drain with nothing to show for it,” she joked with a tired roll of her eyes and a shrug.  

Together, we laughed, finding a pocket of warmth in a world that often felt too cold. Behind JJ’s eyes though, I saw an empathy I wasn’t expecting. That small, instinctual part of my brain tugged at my heart, telling me that there was an unspoken bond forming. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t know why. I had a feeling that it was one of those secrets you just didn’t ask about, so I let it go.

“Thanks. It’s a stupid thought anyway,” I sighed, shuffling my feet and knocking my heels against the somehow spotless patio. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, so why stress about it, right?”

But then JJ said something I wasn’t expecting. Something that I actually really, really needed to hear.  

“I don’t know, I think you’re allowed to be worried. It’s normal to feel scared.”

The sentence hit me like a freight train carrying lead and cement. At first, my brain refused to comprehend it at all. I struggled to repeat the idea, not because I was drunk but because it sounded so wrong. I had wanted it to be true so badly, and here she was, telling me it was okay.

Sensing my simultaneous trepidation and revelation, JJ cringed a bit when she said, “But I think it is a good idea to talk to Spence about it instead of me. Because, to be honest, I’ve also had one too many glasses to be helpful.”

That time when I laughed, it was full-hearted and involved every muscle in my body. “God, I love you, Jennifer,” I said through the noise.

She just shook her head, clearly enjoying the drastic mood swing she’d had a great part in. “I love you, too,” she whispered, running her hand over my shoulder and arm to pull me into a small half-hug. And that was how Spencer found us, giggling and sniffling on Rossi’s porch.

“Hey, are you ready to— Oh! Hey JJ,” he stopped, taking a very hesitant step forward in the hope that we wouldn’t both start crying on the spot. Drunk girls had a tendency to do that. “W-What are you guys doing out here?”

She let me go first, shoving her hand, still damp with my tears, into her pockets with a secretive smile. “Girl talk.”

“That usually doesn’t bode well for me,” Spencer answered with an awkward, nervous laugh. He didn’t make a move to grab me yet, probably too scared to step between the two of us. I was too busy giggling at the thought of his mind cycling through all the possible secrets I might have spilled in my uninhibited state.

I was tipsy, but I wasn’t that drunk.

JJ pulled two fingers over her mouth in a cheeky motion as she whispered, “My lips are sealed.”

“An even worse sign,” Spencer winced, turning to finally wrap his arm around me. He must have noticed the chill on my skin, because seconds later he had me practically wrapped in his coat. “I should just cut my losses and get her out of here, huh?”

“Shut up, old man,” I slurred, cuddling closer to his body heat despite my protests. Even in the darkness, I watched the heat bloom in his face at the nickname. By far, the worst part about the situation was the fact that I couldn’t kiss him, because I just knew he would be so warm, and I was really starting to get cold. I suspect that’s why he started to whisk me away, unceremoniously shushing me as JJ cleared her throat and raised her hand in a wave.  

Before we got too far, though, I heard her speak again. “Oh! (Y/n), your questions!”

“What about them?” I asked, glancing over my shoulder and nearly falling to the ground as a result.

JJ looked at me, and then back to Spencer, whose arm was wrapped possessively around me. She smiled a pure, toothy grin that filled her face, causing that weird feeling in my gut to flare up again. She saw something in that moment that I wasn’t sure I’d ever really understand, but her voice started to crack just enough to notice when she called out, “The answer is yes. To all of them.”

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 The ride back to Spencer’s place was uneventful, though I tried very hard to make it interesting. After the fourth time he'd swatted away my hand and threatened to throw me in the back, I gave in to his demand to behave. I blamed my compliance on the alcohol, although it was probably more so a result of total exhaustion.

The respite from socialization was apparently what I needed to be able to function again, because as soon as we pulled into his apartment parking lot, I was awake.

... Awake enough to try and maul him in the hallway. But, in his sober stubbornness, he continued to evade my advances all the way until his front door clicked shut behind us. His hands on my hips had never felt like such a victory before.

“Did you enjoy wreaking havoc all night?” he whispered, slowly leading us towards his room. I couldn’t see where I was going, but I didn’t need to. Even without an eidetic memory, my body cherished this path and the memories it always led to. I trusted him to catch me if I stumbled. Which, I definitely did.

“I’m the cutest devil you’ll ever see,” I slurred.

“At least you admit it,” Spencer laughed. I couldn’t tell if it was at my words or the fact that I was failing terribly at trying to unbutton his shirt. My drunk self was not a skilled multitasker.

Once I felt the bed against the back of my thighs, I hopped on top of the covers before he could even try to help me up. It was muscle memory. We’d been there before.

“I’m feeling more fallen angel tonight,” I sighed, sliding against the comforter until I found his pillow.

Naturally, Spencer saw the way I gravitated to his side. He smiled as he removed his shirt that I’d left mostly intact. “By all means, feel free to stay that way.”

I probably should have taken off my dress, or my shoes, but I didn’t. The world sort of felt like a wave pool on a sunny day, and I was worried that if I paid too much attention to what was going on around me, I'd think about something I really didn’t want to think about.

I couldn’t remember what it was.

But then Spencer’s hands were gliding up and down my calves, and I shuddered at the contact. He took his time removing my shoes before coming up to join me on all fours. I wondered if he could taste the whiskey on my tongue when he kissed me. Did it remind him of the circumstances that had brought us together? Did it remind him of his hangover and sins?

Did he think of monsters when he kissed me?

My hands were tangled in his hair, pulling lightly to try to keep him there. And when he pulled away, I tried to fight him. I tried to follow him, scared that once the kiss was over, I’d start remembering things I probably should have tried to forget.

He must have seen the denial in my eyes, because he hesitated. His hand came up to lightly grab my wrist and lead my hand that had a death grip on his hair down to his face. “Are you too drunk? Should we stop?”

Throwing my head back with a groan, I tried not to hate him for actually caring about me again. “If you stop right now, I’m going to actually scream,” I droned. It got me a laugh, at least.

“That doesn’t comfort me in the slightest.”

Once I opened my eyes, I found myself wishing I hadn’t. It wasn’t that I saw hesitancy or fear in Spencer’s eyes – on the contrary, it was the lack of anything bad at all that bothered me. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but a sincere, pure adoration that I couldn’t argue with.

I chose to ignore it, instead. I couldn’t remember why it made my stomach hurt.

“Are you going to make me do a sobriety test?” I giggled, letting my hands travel down his shoulders and chest. I wasn’t in as much of a rush as I had been earlier. I wanted to take my time remembering what it felt like to be pinned under him and surrounded by his embrace.

“I’m positive that you’ve practiced those while drunk,” he playfully replied while trying to hide the way goosebumps followed my fingers as they trailed down to more interesting territory.  

“Yeah, I can say the alphabet backwards and everything.”

It was meant as a joke, but Spencer apparently had some doubts. With a scrunched up smile, he laughed back as he asked, “Really?”

The fact that he believed I was capable of something like that might have been flattering if it hadn't been based on his incredibly flawed perception of my propensity to lawbreaking. But since it was based on ideas of immorality rather than intelligence, it just made me mad.

Smacking him lightly on the chest, I both pouted and laughed as I snapped back, “No, of course not, asshole!”

Spencer just grinned, giving a delayed wince at the offensive contact before he sat up again. I didn’t realize why at first, but as he slowly started to coax me into turning around, I remembered that I was, in fact, still fully dressed. I figured it was either his way of saying that I’d won, or just an excuse to take off the dress so I might actually go to sleep. I was fine with either.

“I was drunk the first night we met, if you’ve forgotten,” I mumbled, rolling onto my side of the bed and moving my hair so that he wouldn’t catch any in the zipper.

“I definitely haven’t forgotten that night.”

The nostalgia in his voice was both comforting and painful. We’d always joked about that night, though. It wasn’t an insult at all.

“No? Do you think about it often?” I replied playfully, forcing myself not to think too hard about whether he wished I was still the girl he'd met that day.

Spencer made it easy to forget, with his hand starting to draw the zipper down while he leaned forward to whisper in my ear, “I think about it all the time.” My breath hitched in my throat at the way his voice warped into a rough, raspy tone. “You almost made me believe that you were just some shy, innocent little girl.”

This time when he got me to turn back over, there was nothing gentle about it. His hands were clearly craving the kind of violence they got to use last time. I wanted to feel them again.

“We can make a new memory if you want,” I panted, looking up at him with wanton eyes and my dress loose enough to expose parts of my breasts to him.

“Fuck,” he muttered at the sight below him. He pressed his erection against my hip as he ran a hand over my cheek. “Tell me the rules.”

“I tell you to stop if I need to,” I carefully enunciated.

“Good girl,” he moaned, starting to rock against me. Struggling to pull my dress off himself, he pleaded in a slightly pitiful manner, “Can I…?”

I helped him, desperate to feel his skin against mine. I didn’t even think about what it meant for my dress to be gone. It wasn’t until Spencer’s mouth dropped to my chest so enthusiastically that I realized that he’d failed to stop and kiss my lips first.

With both hands on my breasts, he lavished each pebbled peak with his fingers and tongue. He hadn’t ever mentioned the fact that he’d missed me shirtless, but it was painfully obvious in the way his lips trailed along my body. It was obvious in the rumbling of his moans against my skin and the way his hands roughly kneaded the soft tissue.

I was forced to remember why I hadn’t let him see me topless.

I felt naked. Not because of the exposed skin, but because I couldn’t warp reality with lace or cotton anymore. My marred stomach might not have made a physical barrier, but it still made him feel so far away. It was a paralyzing kind of realization, and I felt myself retreat so quickly that it hurt.

Thankfully, it was Spencer who was kissing me. If it had been anyone else, I think I would have just laid there, terrified and small and alone. But I couldn’t do that with him.

“Spencer?” I quietly called, and he immediately stopped, his eyes meeting mine with all the attention a girl could ever ask for. I smiled, and the sensation almost felt foreign.

“Come kiss me here instead,” I said with a little giggle, tapping my lips to bring him back to where I wanted him. And he came to me so quickly, his mouth crashing onto mine in seconds and his hands tangling in my hair.

I had forgotten so quickly how easy it was to get lost in him. Thanks to the alcohol, my mind wasn’t able to stick with any thought for longer than a few seconds. Mixing that with Spencer’s hands and mouth, I was never going to be able to think in more than a few words at a time. And I shouldn’t have needed to, right? It was just sex. We’d done it many times before, and it had never been a disappointment. But there was a nagging feeling in the back of mind — some instinctual warning that told me I was doing something wrong.

I wanted him, so what could be wrong about that? There was nothing painful or unappreciated in the way he lined himself up at my entrance, and I certainly made that much clear. It was hard to even hear him over the sound of my own moans, and my nails dug into his shoulder as I guided him into me with my hips.

“I love you,” I cried, wrapping my legs around his waist and digging my heels into the back of his thighs.

“I love you so much, little girl,” he whispered against my lips, his forehead resting against mine.

For a moment, it was okay. The feeling subsided long enough for me to enjoy the fact that Spencer, the man I loved, loved me back. I thought about how long it had taken us to get to this point, and how I never wanted to lose it again. I held onto him for dear life, rocking my hips to meet his and bringing his mouth down to mine.

It was okay, until he spoke again.

“You’re such a good girl,” he groaned into my mouth, “even when you’re being bad you just want to be useful.”

Useful.

The word had come back to haunt me several times in the recent weeks. I hadn’t said anything about it because I couldn’t understand why it bothered me so much. There was no reason for me to be upset. He was just saying what I usually liked to hear.

So why did it hurt?

And I realized then, that the reason that experience felt so horrible wasn’t because of me at all. It was because it was Spencer. It was Spencer, the man I loved. There he was, trying to love me and comfort me and hold me and I…

In a rush of emotions and memories and repressed regrets, I was forced to face the fact that I had made a terrible mistake. The kind of mistake that if I didn’t do something about it in that exact, immediate moment, would become a disaster. The kind of disaster that meant he might never want to touch me again. The kind that would make him hate me. The kind that would make him leave and I couldn’t blame him for.

I had made a mistake.

“Wait, wait, Spencer, stop!” I slurred, my hands that had been holding him close seconds earlier shoving him off of me with the little force I was capable of. It didn’t take much, though, considering how fast he jumped back.

Frantic and terrified, he grabbed my face and tried to inspect my eyes that were avoiding him. “Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t look at him. “No, I just really need to stop,” I muttered, my breath picking up even more as I slid away from him, “Can I just— Can you just give me a minute?”

My hands slid over my chest, trying to hide the shame I felt inside to no avail. Spencer only made it worse in the way he quickly grabbed clothing, covering me in his shirt before he dressed himself. He even took the time to find me pants and help me in them, quietly and carefully. Like a doll.

I was going to be sick.

“What’s wrong? Talk to me,” he croaked brokenly while he curled up at my side, trying to wrap his arms around me before he realized I was shrinking away from his touch. He was so confused. He had no reason to know what was going on, but I could see on his face that he was desperately trying to figure it out.

“Does this have something to do with what you were talking to JJ about?”

An interesting question. I didn’t know the answer.

“Yes. No? Maybe. I guess?” I ran a hand over my face that landed on my throbbing temple. The lack of tears on my face almost surprised me. I probably should have been crying, but I wasn’t. In a way, it felt like I had no tears left to give. When I turned to him, bile rose in my throat and I was afraid that I might choke on it if I didn’t get the words out faster. I just had to tell him. He needed to know.

“Listen, I lied to you. And I need to say something.”

I had just gotten my breathing under control, just in time for his to go erratic. His pulse was visible in his throat as he swallowed. “Lied to me? About what?”

“I…” The world was rocking, and I couldn’t tell if it was because of the alcohol or my brain trying to comprehend my own self-destructive stupidity. I knew which one I was going to blame, though. “Fuck, I didn’t think I was this drunk.”

“What did you lie to me about?” he repeated, his hands gripping handfuls of the sheet in hopes of stopping the rest of his body from trembling.

“Well, I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you.”

It was the most useless clarification, and it did absolutely nothing to appease his concern. The longer the words stayed stuck and muddled in my mouth, the more devastated he seemed. In hindsight, I would realize all the millions of awful reasons his mind must have been feeding him in the absence of the truth.

“Please, whatever it is, just tell me,” Spencer begged with a hesitant, shaky hand coming to rest on top of mine. He wasn’t looking at me anymore. Instead, we both looked down at our hands. It was a mercy and a disservice. I just had to tell him, but I couldn’t convince myself to do it without looking him in the eyes. That didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful that he didn’t look back, though. Because once the words were said, there would be no going back from them.

He was going to hate me.

“I… stopped taking my birth control,” I whispered in a voice that felt so foreign. “Like, a while ago.”

Spencer’s jaw steeled, his eyes widening and shooting up to me with the same speed he used to jump off the bed. Despite my efforts to grab him, to stop him from leaving me, he was five feet away in a matter of seconds.

“What?!” he shouted. It was the loudest I’d ever heard him. Even the echoes felt deafening, and my hands covered my ears with a wince.

“Shit! That was loud!” I whined in a pathetic attempt to make him feel bad for me. I didn’t deserve it, but I think it worked. Because the next time he spoke, it was at a more manageable volume.

“What do you mean you stopped taking your birth control?! When?!”

“Stop yelling at me.” I pulled my knees to my chest and ignored the pain in my stomach when I did so. It felt well deserved.

“You aren’t joking, either. Why didn’t you tell me this?” Spencer continued, his hands raking through his hair while he started to pace the room.

Nothing about it felt real. I felt like I was stuck in one of my million recurring nightmares. I just wanted to wake up, to be somewhere other than in a room too small for the bass in his voice. I only barely saw him when he finally approached me. He still stayed a few feet away, but he met my eyes that stared vacantly at the wall ahead of me.  

“Answer me!”

Whether it was the order that broke me or the pain in his voice, all of my resolve and apathy shattered at once.

“You’ve always said you wanted to get me pregnant!” I screamed back, digging my nails into my skin in the hope of finding feeling there.

“Not like this! Not right now!” he scoffed. The sound would have hurt more if he hadn't stepped closer to me when he made it.

“Why not?!” I tried to sound angry, but all I heard was the plea beneath the words.

I just want to be useful. Please let me be useful.

“Are you serious?” Spencer’s disbelief was present in every ounce of his existence. His hands were alternating between fists and flat palms, his voice cracking and wavering in pitch. “What has gotten into you? You know that you can’t have a child right now.”

I bit down on my tongue in one final attempt to keep the scary words inside. But he couldn’t feel the way his words felt just like bullets and scar tissue that would never fully heal again.

“You almost died! Do you—“ he choked, but powered through his body’s attempt to stop the thought. “Do you understand the danger that would put you in?”

“I know, alright?! I know!” The words were loud and hoarse, and I covered my own ears to hopefully drown out the sound of failure on my own tongue. “I know I can’t have a fucking kid right now!”

“Then what are you doing?!”

I don’t know. Please, help me.

He waited for my answer, but it stayed trapped in my head. When I started to rock in place, my hands still clamped over my ears and the tears I swore I didn’t have starting to fall, he sighed.  

“Get up, we’re going to the store.”

“Why?” I spat, sinking further into my spot in a purely selfish manner.

“Get up,” he said again, this time reaching out for my hand.

But I didn’t want to touch him. I didn’t want him to touch me like this. I was scared that if I did what he wanted, then the fight would be over. And if the fight ended, then what would be left? Was this all just some elaborate ruse to get me in his car so that he could drive me home and leave me there?

His hand touched mine so softly, with so much patience and love that it burned. Why wasn’t he angrier? He should be.

“No!” I screamed, smacking his hand away from me. Although I knew it didn’t hurt, I saw him wince at the contact. His lips flattened as he looked at the stupid sobbing girl on his bed.  

Then he left. He turned on his heel, and with less patience that time, grumbled the explanation he'd refused to give before. “We’re going to the store and getting levonorgestrel so that you don’t make the stupidest mistake of your life.”

It wasn’t the words that got me to move, but the fact that he was quickly leaving the room. I scrambled after him recklessly, crashing into just about every stationary object in the way. The shock had hit me so hard that I forgot I was still drunk.

“Is it really that awful to imagine having a future with me?” I sobbed, chasing after him just to crash into him when he stopped.

He still caught me, but I couldn’t tell you why.

“You know that’s not what this is about.” He sounded so tired, but he kept going. He kept fighting with me even though I could see in his eyes that it was the last thing he wanted to do. “I love you, (y/n)! But you’re acting like… like a child!”

“Fuck you,” I seethed, pushing myself away from him.

I was scared that if I didn’t force our bodies apart, I would have fallen to pieces in his arms again. And I knew he would try to put me back together again. He would try to help me because that’s what he always did. But sometimes things are just completely, irrevocably broken. Sometimes there was simply no fixing it.

Good luck convincing Spencer of that.

“I don’t need this shit and I don’t need to go to the store,” I muttered under my breath as I made my way back into the bedroom to locate my purse that I’d so gracefully thrown on the floor.

“(Y/n), just because the chances of pregnancy are low doesn’t mean they are nonexistent, and I’m not going to be the reason you throw your life away! You said yourself you aren’t ready to be a housewife!” I heard him rambling from the other room. Eventually, he followed the sounds of plastic packaging and rustling paper.

“Shut up,” I groaned, finally getting the tiny pill free and successfully shoving it in my mouth before I managed to drop it. “Just leave me alone, Spencer.”

Obviously, it wasn’t going to work. After all, I was in his apartment, and currently sitting cross legged in the middle of his bedroom and trying to dry swallow a pill that tasted a lot like every mistake I’d ever made.

“When did you buy that? And why do you have it with you?” He didn’t sound angry at all anymore. He didn’t even particularly sound annoyed or confused, just… exhausted.

“You’re welcome for saving you the drive.”

Of all the things he could have done, he chose the one I expected the least. He came to me, and carefully lowered himself to the ground in front of me. At first, that was all he did. He just sat across from me with puppy dog eyes and an awkward posture.

“Look at me,” he called gently.

“I don’t want to.”

He sighed, waiting another second to catch his breath and let the earlier emotions settle in the air. “You had that in your purse. Why?” he asked as he reached forward to grab the remnants of the torn up box and confirm that it was what he thought it was. Once he was satisfied, he just sounded even more broken. “You’ve clearly thought about it enough to plan ahead, but apparently I wasn’t important enough to have a say in any of these decisions.”

The pain that was forming in my stomach hurt worse than the AR-15.

“Were you just… Just planning on making those decisions without even telling me?” He was on the verge of tears, though he tried his very best to hide it.  It might’ve worked if I'd been both drunk and an idiot, but unfortunately the adrenaline was combatting the alcohol pretty well at that point.

With both hands covering his face, I could still see the way his jaw tensed between the words. “It would be my child, too,” he forced out, “You don’t— You don’t get to make those decisions without me. T-That’s not fair.”

The sounds were so pitiful, and I wanted to feel anything but what I felt. I wanted to feel angry or sad again, but I couldn’t. All I felt was hate; the most powerful, soul crushing self-loathing imaginable.

I didn’t want to be the reason he cried. I wanted it to stop, but I didn’t know how. I couldn’t control myself. I just kept rubbing salt in the wound so he would leave. So that I could hate him for leaving me instead of hating myself for making him.

“There’s no kid. I would’ve taken it either way.”

That succeeded in getting a response.

“Then what was the point of any of this?!” he fumed, dropping his hands to gestured to the state of us, dressed in pajamas and tears. “If you really believe that, then why tell me? Why risk it at all?!”

“I don’t know.”

“I deserve a better answer than that. That’s bullshit and you know it,” he demanded with an accusing finger.

But I didn’t know that it was bullshit. Really, it was the truth. I didn’t know why I was doing this. All I knew was that if I stopped, if I was just honest with him, I would have to face a reality I wasn’t ready for.

“I deserve the truth,” he said as his hand fell, unable to stay up under the weight of the feeling behind it.

I looked at him and I saw my mistakes in the form of tears trickling down his cheeks and a tremble in his lips. I saw a man who deserved nothing but the greatest love, begging me to give him something to work with. He wasn’t asking me for the world — he just wanted me to talk. To say something so that he could understand why I wanted him to hate me.

I didn’t have an answer. Not one that either of us would believe, anyway.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Spencer.” My lips moved without my permission, and my legs quickly followed the traitorous pursuit.

“What does that mean?” he begged me as he followed me. He followed me like he always did, with that suffocating hopefulness that we could make it.

But what if I couldn’t? What if this was it for me? What if, in my desperate desire to push him away, I was saving him from a miserable life with me?

I was trying to save him.

“It means…” I paused, turning to look him in the eyes so that he might finally hear what he needed to in my answer. “It means you should’ve picked a different 20 year old to fuck.”

His jaw finally relaxed, dropping open with a broken breath.

And I think he saw it. I think he saw the way I meant the words from the bottom of my soul. He heard me tell him that he should regret me while I tried to walk away, and he knew that I meant it.

“I’m leaving.” The words surprised me when I heard them in my own voice, but I followed them, nonetheless. I barreled towards the door with bare feet and my keys in my hand.

“Where are you going? You can’t leave like this.” His statements were logical, but that only served to further piss me off.

“You can’t tell me what to do. I’m not your property!”

That wasn’t why I was angry. We both knew that wasn’t why. The real reason, the truth behind the reckless self-destruction was approaching too fast and I couldn’t slow it down. Nothing could stop it from rushing down the predetermined path that we stood on, and I was begging him to get off the tracks.  

“If you leave right now, you’re going to fucking kill yourself!”

And then it happened. Practically foaming at the mouth with the unhinged rage that had been boiling underneath my skin for too long, I finally managed to let the words go.

“Maybe that’s the fucking point!”

Silence had never been so loud. It had never been that heavy.

“Have you ever stopped to consider that, Spencer?” I laughed because there was no reason in my mind not to. It all seemed so terribly obvious and we’d been skirting around it for so long. Why were we pretending like this was news? Like we hadn’t heard the horns and seen the headlights approaching?

“Please stop.” It was said like a plea but meant as an order. But I never listened to directions and he already knew that.

“I’m not your problem just because you were unfortunate enough to fall in love with me,” I continued, finding a freedom in being able to finally say what I’d been thinking all along. “Put me out of my fucking misery, Spencer. Just let me go.”

“Stop!” he shouted, pulling fistfuls of his hair as his chest heaved with deep, rasping breaths. I’d heard that voice from him before, but only once. The memories were locked away in the part of my brain that I swore to leave locked up.

I was back in the bank. I could feel his hands slipping in blood on my stomach and pressing into my cheeks. I was in the ambulance again. His hands were so warm that they burned, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to leave. I'd had one foot in the grave then. I felt like I was still there, teetering over the edge with nothing but Spencer’s frantic breathing and desperate begging keeping me from jumping in.

“Stop saying that!” Spencer ordered, his hands letting go just enough to come back down on his head with some force. I jumped at the contact and wondered when I'd started feeling his pain, too.  I wondered when we'd found ourselves back in his apartment again.

“Y-You aren’t going to die!” He continued. It didn’t have the force of an order or the pathetic breaking of a cry. It was just a statement he was trying to will into existence. An attempt to ward off memories that reminded him he was capable of losing me. He had already almost lost me once. In a way, it was this same scenario.

It was just that he wasn’t losing me quickly from a gunshot wound. No, I was bleeding out in an entirely different way.

“You can’t— I can’t lose you. I can’t do it again,” he sobbed, falling to his knees and not caring at all about the bruises that would follow. The sight of him collapsing in on himself was terrifying, and I realized for the first time the true consequences of my actions. I couldn’t pretend that I was trying to save him anymore. I couldn’t listen to the congested, barely comprehensible ramblings of a man begging me not to want to die and act like I was thinking of him at all.

I was being selfish. How very much like me.

“Please, anything but that. You can hate me forever, but please don’t…” The words trailed off, and I felt compelled to answer them. I needed something to release the knot in my chest and allow my lungs to fill again.

“I don’t hate you, Spencer. I could never hate you.” The words were infuriating in their honesty, but he needed to hear them. He needed to know that none of this was his fault, that he’d done nothing wrong other than meet me.

I couldn’t leave him like that. He deserved so much better than me, but that was all that I had. So, I climbed down next to him, reaching out to him and hoping that he would hold me back.

To my surprise, he did. His hands grabbed mine like they were a lifeline, bringing them to his lips wet with tears. And although he was silent, I could hear the way he prayed that they wouldn’t fade away from him again.

“I-I… I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell you. I’m supposed to be the adult here, I’m supposed to know how to fix these things, but I have no idea what I’m doing, (y/n).”

It was an admission Spencer didn’t often make. The complete helplessness and inability to fix the puzzle before him didn’t just hurt because it was painful to watch, it was also just another reminder of his limits.

One time he had promised me that he wouldn’t let anything hurt me. I should have told him that it was a stupid promise to make then. I should have showed him the skeletons in my closet and the mess in my hands.

But it didn’t matter anymore. He had already seen it, and it was too late. I’d made too many mistakes, and I had to face them. I couldn’t run away anymore. That meant listening to Spencer, pouring his heart out to me and clutching my hands like they would turn to nothing in front of him.

“You’re falling apart and you won’t talk to me. I don’t know how to make this stop hurting. I don’t know how to help you. Sometimes you’re so happy but other times I can see it in your eyes…”

Our eyes met, unguarded, for the first time in what felt like hours but was actually probably only a few minutes. We looked into each other’s eyes and tried to read each other’s minds. I didn’t know what he saw, but I heard the way it struck him.

“Do you… Do you want to leave me?” he asked.

And I realized then, that was what my behavior was leading up to. That was what my mind was racing towards, without ever considering whether it was what was best for me. Because I wasn’t thinking about what was best for me, or what I wanted, or what I should want. All I cared about was the same concern Spencer had for me— I didn’t want him to throw his life away just to be with me.

“Is that what you want?” I asked.

Spencer heard something in my question that brought life back to his eyes. I wished that I could hear his thoughts because he always seemed so much farther ahead. Like he could see the immediate future and knew what would follow.

Then again, maybe I was just idealizing him. I had a tendency to do that. He wasn’t a superhero. He was just a man, trying his best in a world that never really let him rest. I certainly didn’t help with that.

“No. No, that’s not what I want at all,” he said, his hands finding the courage to let go of mine and slide up my arms. He cupped my face with such an urgency and relief that it almost felt the same as before I had uttered those terrifying words. “I told you I want to marry you and I wasn’t kidding.”

It only took a few words for any progress and vulnerability to be obliterated. Four words. That’s all it took.

I want to marry you.

A white picket fence is what I’d promised him. I'd painted a vivid image of us with two children that were just like him. A normal, domestic life is what I’d said.

I hadn't known. I'd made a mistake. I had lied.

“Stop fucking saying that!” I wished the fight would leave my body and let my weary muscles rest, but it kept coming back. Sure as the sun rises in the morning, I couldn’t let go of the hatred. It had to go somewhere, and Spencer continued to be the stupid, stubborn man putting himself in front of me without any defenses.

I don’t think he was expecting that, though. He jumped back at the sound, his hands bracing his fall as I flailed to get away from him. I didn’t have the energy or coordination to stand, so I just let myself fall to pieces on the floor in front of him.

“Stop telling me about this future you have planned for us b-because I’m a useless, idiotic fuck up, and it’s freaking me the fuck out!”

Naturally, the only thing that could incense Spencer more than violating his trust was, apparently, talking badly about myself. Because as soon as he heard the words, he was wound up just the same.

“What are you so afraid of?!”

Without thinking about the words, implications, or consequences, I gave him the answer he fought for. I gave it to him because I couldn’t hold it any longer. I gave it to him and hoped that it would grant me the closure he sought, too.

“That I won’t ever be able to give you a baby and you’re going to fucking leave me!”

Spencer, in all his shock and disbelief, could only utter back a single, exasperated, “…What?” The way the word fell out of his mouth almost sounded like a laugh, the side of his lips curling into an almost imperceptible smile.

“I’m scared that when I stop being useful to you, you’re going to leave me like everyone else,” I explained, my voice as small as I felt in that moment.

But Spencer, in his uncanny ability to predict the future, was trying not to smile. Don’t get me wrong — he wasn’t laughing at me, and the words certainly brought him no joy. But there was something else buried beneath the suffering.

“Come here,” he requested with a sad, small grin and a wave of his hand. When he saw the hesitance on my face, he beckoned me closer again with more feeling. “I want to talk to you. Come here.”

So I came. I came as close to him as I could. And as I practically sat in his lap, I remembered how much easier it was to breathe when he held me, and how much lighter the tears felt when he wiped them a way.

“Why do you think I’m going to leave you?” he asked through a chuckle, like the very notion was so unbelievable that it couldn’t be uttered as anything other than a joke.

“Y-You want kids,” I mumbled, looking down at our t-shirts wet with tears. I played with the hem of his to remind myself that we were both still there. And although Spencer sympathized, he didn’t seem too keen on me looking away at that particular moment. With a gentle finger under my chin, he guided my eyes back to his.

“Okay. So do you, right?”

“Well, yeah…” I paused and pursed my lips and bit down on the bottom one. I waited until he raised his eyebrows in a challenge before I explained. “But what if I can’t have any?”

Spencer’s face scrunched up with his shoulders in a dismissive shrug, “There are other ways to have kids. I’m not worried about that at all.”

Just like that, he’d waved away my fears of inadequacy and failure like they were smoke from an already snuffed out candle. He made it so clear so quickly that biology wasn’t the thing that mattered. That it wasn’t my genetics or physical traits that made him want to share a literal life with me.

Spencer didn’t need me to have his children; he just wanted me to raise some with him.

“Why are you worried about that? Did something happen?” he pressed forward, unsatisfied with the idea that I might still be carrying some heaviness without his assistance.

“The doctor told me that I might not ever be able to have my own kids and I just...”

I should have known better than to doubt the insistence of his greedy hands. They would never let a burden belong solely to me. And I… didn’t want to bear the weight alone anymore, either. The dam was broken, and my heart came rushing out into his waiting arms.

“I’m so tired of it, Spencer. I’m tired of this stupid shit stealing my life away from me. You’ve been taking care of me for months, a-and the way you look at me sometimes-- I can see it on your face. I can feel the way it hurts you just to look at me.”

That hurt flashed in his eyes right then but faded with a swiftness I hadn’t seen in a long time. He didn’t want me to see it yet. One fight at a time, I heard him think. When this shifted load balanced between us again, we could figure the rest out.

First, we had to settle this. It had to end.

“If I can’t give you children, and I can’t... I can’t make you happy then—“

“Stop,” he demanded, his finger coming up to cover my lips. There was no argument to be made at his protest. With a deathly seriousness veiled with bowed brows and a lip that still trembled, Spencer whispered to me, “You can feel however you want to, but you don’t get to decide how I feel.”

Tears welled in both of our eyes, threatening to fall with the other. But they didn’t, they stayed pooled at our lashes and drowned us in visions of haloed lights and blurry reflections.

“I am so happy with you. No matter what. Every second of every day. Do you understand me?”

The only answer I had the strength to give was my surrender. Collapsing forward into his arms, I buried my face into his shoulder. I reveled in the warmth of his chest and the strength of his hands on my back. I felt his heartbeat against my cheek as the deep, joyful breaths he took in came out as relieved laughter.

“I love you, (y/n).”

He must have heard, or at least felt, my soft groan in response, because he peeled me off of him with a smirk. “What’s wrong now?” he asked in an equally tired whine.

“You only use my name when you’re angry or sad,” I grumbled through a pout. It only felt a little silly, to joke about something so stupid minutes after screaming our hearts at each other. We were just so tired, and the finish line was in sight. We just wanted to cross it together, and preferably with less tears involved.

Spencer didn’t say any of that, but I felt it, nonetheless. It was clear in the way he pushed my hair from my face before running his fingers down my jaw. “I use your name when I’m worried,” he corrected. “And you scared me tonight. I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this way.”

We were toeing the line back into heavy emotions, and I shook my head to ask him not to take me back there tonight. But I couldn’t blame him at the same time. He’d so gracefully handled all of my fears and rage; he deserved a chance to voice his own. They’d fallen so far behind in the race towards the truth.

“I understand you were scared to tell me, but...” he stopped, trying to find a way to explain it without hurting my feelings. He really was too nice to me.

“I know. It was stupid. I feel terrible,” I finished for him. Once my face hit his shoulder again, I closed my eyes. “I’m sorry, Spencer,” I said with almost all of the energy I had left. He stroked soothing patterns over my back, and after a moment I realized that we’d started to rock. I wasn’t sure if it was for his benefit or mine.

“I appreciate your apology, but please promise me that you’ll talk to someone about this,” he humbly requested, his words muffled in my hair.

“Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?”

It was almost a joke. Spencer wasn’t going to let it go, though. “Don’t try to be clever with me, little girl. I need you to talk to someone who knows how to help you,” he playfully scolded.

Through a yawn and a chuckle, I pressed on in my attempt to end the night on a horrible joke. “Isn’t that your whole job?”

“Yeah, I guess it is sometimes, huh?” he agreed halfheartedly. Really, he was only trying to give me a little bit of a win. We both knew his job wasn’t very good at helping people before the fact. It was just another poor attempt at avoiding healing. I had been holding on to that anger so tightly that there wasn’t room for us in the space that was left.

“But I think you also know I can’t be that person for you,” Spencer eloquently said, cradling my head as it started to rock with each motion.

“Yeah, I know,” I sighed, “I promise.”

I’m not sure how long we stayed like that, but no matter what, it wouldn’t have lasted long enough. The rhythm of his heart evened out over time, settling into the lullaby I needed to finally find some rest. But realistically, we couldn’t sleep there. Spencer was kind enough to practically carry me back into the bed we had shared when this all started, although this time he laid beside me.

From there, he helped tuck me in and pressed a chaste kiss to my forehead. My eyes were closed, but the smile that spread over my cheeks was enough of a signal that I was still awake.

“Look at me,” he whispered.

My bloodshot eyes opened at his call, and I found love staring back at me. I knew he could see my eyes bouncing back and forth as I tried to see all of it at once in his eyes, and I didn’t care. Even when he kissed me, neither of us closed them.

“We don’t have to worry about anything,” he said as our mouths broke apart. His thumb swept over my cheeks to all the places I knew he was thinking about kissing. There was a very poor attempt to hide his smile at the thought of the future, but I appreciated the effort he put in.

“When you’re ready to try to have kids, I’ll be right there with you,” he said.

It was clear that Spencer really wanted it to be a meaningful sentiment, but I was still a little bitter at his failure to laugh at my previous terrible jokes. So when I saw the opportunity, I took it swiftly and with no regrets.

“I sure hope so, or else I don’t think it’ll work,” I muttered through the side of my mouth before turning onto my back.  

Spencer’s first carefree giggle of the night was my prize, and I couldn’t have loved it any more. “That’s my little girl,” he cooed, curling up against my side and wrapping a possessive arm over my chest.

Just before my eyes fluttered shut, I saw movement below my face. I kept them open long enough to see his pinky presented to me and a knowing look in his eyes. “Everything will be alright as long as we have each other,” Spencer offered.

And despite our bad history with promises, I had no reasons left to doubt that one. 

—————————————————

| Part 21 |

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

He did? Umm.. what happened exactly?

(referring to this post)

my 11th grade chemistry teacher had an associates degree in liberal arts.

you know how in virtually every class you’ve ever had since middle school, your teachers made a big stink about the syllabus? she didn’t have one. this was her first teaching job, which she got because of her length experience as a substitute, not by her licensing qualifications. we were, at first, excited to have her, because she was a “fun sub” and we were 17 years old and stupid as all shit. we were the “normal chem” class in a system where the only other options were “honors chem” which was filled with children who actually know how to study (or cheat) and have an air of proper student activity, and “AP Chem”, which is clear enough if you’ve been an american student in the last 15 years.

she followed the mcgraw hill chemistry book in order of chapters, despite the fact that our state standardized tests did several of the chapters out of order. ever notice how you’ll suddenly be looking at chapter 11 when just last week you were on chapter 5, then the next week you’re on chapter 8? standardized testing is the reason. anyways by asking my friends in other classes who had chemistry teachers of relative competence, i was able to discern which chapters i should focus on, and while she was distracted with literally watching youtube videos all period, I was turning around in my seat and walking across the classroom helping my friends and enemies with the packets. (she was a two-packets-a-week kinda teacher.)

yes i said enemies too. the people i hated, i hated because they were sons of bitches i wouldnt piss on to put out a fire. i hated them so dearly i used to pray to god that they would bump into me so i could throw myself into the concrete and split my forehead open and get them expelled due to the blood-clause of our “zero-tolerance policy”. two of the kids in my class had, only the previous year, attempted to set my hair on fire.

i hated the teacher more. 

it gave me extreme pleasure to see her fume and clench her fists when a student would say “i need help” across the classroom and she would move to get up and they would say “oh not you miss, im waiting for vicky.” jesus christ the only time ive ever felt a comparable high was when i was at a halloween party in college where i was literally so zooted i couldn’t move.

it got worse over time, her getting more and more angry, my ego growing larger and larger. i was a huge bitch in high school, i really thought i was the smartest bitch in the room at any given moment. severe main character syndrome. imagine that kind of person actually being right for 45 minutes out of every day. can you even comprehend the kind of frustration that would create? in a room full of little sociopaths who dont give a shit about anything but getting this joke of a class over with so they can graduate? your first real teaching job and they look right past you, the teacher, to this annoying little shit whose grades are completely abysmal? how are they managing to learn anything from a child who can barely speak in front of more than 10 people? who turns cherry red in the face of literally every authority figure in the building except you? who can’t concentrate and stay still in one spot for more than five minutes? all of your other classes behave! they listen! they sit down and shut up and do the packets! so what fucking gives!!!

so you say “fine, since you all HATE ME so much i just won’t teach then!!!” on literally week fucking ten of teaching. and instead of prostrating themselves before you, begging you to like... point at transparencies and read directly from powerpoints i guess.

and they all collectively say “okay” and let the chipmunk child flutter between desks and help them memorize formulas and mnemonic devices and shit. surely her grades will suffer if she’s constantly dealing with other people and you’ll have justification that her horseshit is “distracting” and “a detriment to her studies”. she got bored gave up on that after two days after nothing changed.

then we did the midterm.

except at the end of the exam packet was something we never learned because again, she was going through the book chronologically. because i actually enjoyed the chem book (so much that i stole it when the year was up lmao), i knew the material.

it was about lewis dots/structures. i couldn’t tell you a damn thing about it today but in december 2010 i absolutely knew that shit. i didnt have too much of a problem with it in the exam, but the students who had gotten to that point were complaining and at first she pulled that “you should have been studying independently uwu” shit but the class was about to get loud during exam period so she shushed us and said that when we get to that point, just stop, and she’ll mark it correct during grading, no harm no foul just keep it quiet. one of the more confrontational students called horseshit and said theres no way we’re trusting that and there’s definitely no way anyone will keep an entire classroom cheating at the instruction of the teacher quiet.

i offered to teach it.

she scoffed, rolled eyes, said “sure fine but you can’t get your exam back” and i said “okay.” so when everyone was to the point in the exam, we piled them all on her desk and i used the whiteboard to briefly and quietly explain lewis dots, used the book examples and problems, and helped the other kids understand. there were a couple exam questions that were lifted straight from the book problems so i skipped those. while teaching i realized i had gotten a couple wrong which sucked :( it was an incredibly stupid experience overall, and no teacher worth the paper their certification is printed on would have allowed that to happen. and fucking yet.

anyways everyone but me got their exams back and finished it and many of us passed, only a few of them did particularly well.

discussing the chem exam with friends who also took the chem exam, many students found their anecdote about the lewis dots to be confounding, for you see, the exam we took was not, in fact, the midterm, but the god damned final.

she had us taking the fucking final because she didnt read the fucking folders which read “midterm” and “final exam” on them

she was reprimanded severely and we all had to take the exam on different days, in different classrooms, sitting very far apart. after that she hated me even more. like girl it was your fault lmao i am literally a teenager grow up lol. anyways you can imagine how much more fucking insufferable i became, knowing how miserable she was.

it all came to a head in february when some students were giggling quietly following a minor fuck up on her part regarding bellwork. they were making fun of her like “are you sure thats not tomorrows bellwork lol” and a friend next to me did the “hey i need help wait no miss not you sorry” thing and when i answered him, she solidly snapped. blah blah YOURE SOOOO DISTRACTING blah blah YOU THINK YOURE SOOOO SMART DONT YOU blah blah blah and she was like demanding i leave the room and shouting at the top of her lungs at me “ YOU POISON THE MINDS OF EVERY OTHER STUDENT HERE. YOU’RE POISONOUS VICTORIA, YOU’RE A VIRUS IN THIS CLASSROOM.”

i will never forget that line as long as i live. it was like crack to me. i moved to open the door to leave and the vp opened it first. he escorted me to the office and asked me what happened, then told me to keep my head down in class from now on, and that if i wanted to help my friends i should give them my number and help them out on our own time. i was like “bro thats really stupid” and he was like “thats all we can do right now but i promise we’re working on it”

i lasted the rest of the year giving smug smiles as we did packet after fucking packet for the rest of the year. they were all take-home work. i wasnt comfy giving my number to my enemies. the class camaraderie ended.

the final was altered. my class took a different final than the rest of the normal chem classes.

i started 12th grade and got a solid case of senioritis. i told that story to anyone who would listen. while it was happening, i obviously told my favorite teacher everything as it happened. when i mentioned it senior year he was like “oh yeah i forgot about her,

she was fired over the summer.”