#people refused to look or hear him
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I always thought this was Toga (disguised as Camie) simply talking about her ‘disappearing’ technique, but I realize - this could be applied to her life pre-crime.
Hiding herself - her true self - from everyone. Stop thinking for herself, think of nothing at all, just move on automatic, obeying without thought. The whole “not thinking” is the hard part - we have brains for a reason. We have a mind and heart unique to ourselves, thinking our private thoughts - but now you need to shut that away.
When people stop breathing, they die. If Toga ‘stops breathing’, she dies. Toga Himiko dies, then there’s no longer a ‘Toga Himiko’, no longer a self.
Be empty and dead inside, and you can blend in with the crowd. Have no sense of self, and you can be whoever people want you to be. Had Toga stop being herself, then her parents will stop yelling at her, people will accept her.
She can live a ‘normal’ life, but only if she’s a hollow shell.
#Toga Himiko#It’s fun how Spinner joins the League because he felt empty#While Toga joins the League because she knows what that emptiness is like and never wants to go back to it#Stop breathing stop thinking - rules for survival#Toga made herself visible and lost her family and friends and security and stability#Spinner became an empty shell and managed to get by as a hikikomori which while not ideal#at least allowed him to have family and home#a place on the social order that is low low rung but not thrown away altogether like villains#If Tenko had just stop thinking about Heroes then he would not be rejected#then during the walk#people refused to look or hear him#making him ‘disappear’ and turn into that hollow shell#Twice simply could not stop being himself and he got killed for it#Endeavor refused to look at Touya and Touya refused to disappear or let the past die so now he’s Dabi#Mr. Compress who are you#nalslastworkingbraincell#not saying Toga is 100% correct#just pointing out this observation
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*grips Shen Qingqiu by the shoulders*
aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you want to crack under the pressure of the system and the robbed autonomy of being forced into a role you had no choice in but have to play anyways? don't you want to buckle under the realization that, to you, no matter what you do your life is going to end in a horrific death? Whether that be under Luo Binghe's hands or the System's?
Don't you want to realize that no matter all the good you have done and the lives you have changed and saved, you're still standing at the ledge of a cliff with a sword to your disciple's chest?
Shouldn't it be you at the edge instead? Balancing on the crumbling dirt's end of death on either side, and you can either walk into it or be forced?
don't you want to go apeshit?
#I AM SO NORMAL YOU GUYS I PROMISE *visibly foaming at the mouth and gritting my teeth so hard you can hear them crack*#svsss#scum villain#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#scum villain self saving system#HI YES I MAY NOT HAVE READ THE NOVEL AND ONLY BEEN HERE FOR A WEEK BUT I AM. OBSESSED. FIXATED IF YOU WILL#luo binghe standing at the edge of the endless abyss and he sees something snap in his shizun's eyes like metal creaking under#the pressure of the deep sea. or like heat rising too quickly. the steady slow snap of someone hanging on by a thread.#i dont think i've fully understood sqq's characterization howEVER. i think i've got enough of his character down to try and twist it the wa#i think could happen. forgive me if this isnt in character or anything ajhf#anyways i love isekai anything and i think the system could slowly drive someone who didnt ask to be here insane#SY adjusts rather quickly from what i've heard but what if he DIDN'T. what if it wasnt fine what if he was trying his best and it was#taking its toll because apparently trying his best just wasnt enough. his stubborn refusal to view the people around him as people#but as characters following a script is very frustrating to me but also it works in my favor for this. look at the best way to break him is#*stares at SQQ* i think he should go apeshit. as a treat. skin a man alive SQQ. bite someone. rip out their throat.#i know thats prolly not his character but what if it COULD be. what if it IS. people are so nuanced and niche and can change at the turn#of a dime and SQQ has been forced into an unfavorable position and frankly traumatic experience. he could change or he could not and#isnt that FASCINATING? to erode or to stand tall. are you copper or are you a canyon. will you change colors and stay the same or will you#crumble and shear and become something new? when facing the elements when facing the inevitable what will you become?
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him.
(click for better quality)
Minor spoilers below for those who haven't watched it yet
Tell me this isn't how it went rn/j
Dying in the theaters when Floyd's attempt for sympathy/persuasion immediately backfired on him. I wanted his reaction to it so bad
#trolls 3#trolls veneer#venner#guess who invaded my brain since Friday#honestly not the best shading but it's metal i refuse to work on this anymore ;A:#i know they probably love each other this is just my brain thinking its funny#i was just talking about how i wanted more villians who are just messed up without any deep lore about them just simply bad people#then they came??? and they're twins??? what a fucking win#their songs were so good too#i wanted to hear more of veneer but i love that velvet was more of the star? it showed off how their dynamic worked perfectly#i also like how they weren't forgiven despite the change of heart despite me loving him and he just accepted it like a champ!#he didn't go back on his character development but was optimistic about it. i am looking too deep for a children's movie lmao#i like velvet too i am just brainrotting for him at the moment#flame draws
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I'm pretty sure that's not what's happening, but whenever I hear Polites echo Odysseus', "You and I'll go ahead" in Full Speed Ahead, I think of that moment someone says something as a joke and then people are like, "yeah let's do that," and the person who first said it is like, "Wait I didn't mean me!/I didn't think you'd take me seriously!" -internal panic- And they sort of look like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.
Polites, excited: Look! There in the distance, I see an island I see a light that faintly glows Maybe they're people lighting a fire Maybe they'll share some food, who knows?
Odysseus: All right, let's you and I go.
Polites: You and--Wait I didn't mean me! And alone?!
#full speed ahead#epic the musical#epic: the troy saga#polites#odysseus#I'm pretty sure Polites is just hype to get picked#it's just a thought that refuses to get away from me whenever I hear it#Shaggy looking horrified people are volunteering him for his idea#why is polites shaggy rogers idk#something about the chill lotus eaters thing and shaggy always being assumed to be a druggee I guess#if this is an old thought someone's had before don't mind me I'm new#zoinks odysseus I meant one of the other guys#like a taller one who's more buff#and also not me#fallfthoughts
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Haunted by gladiator! Bruce and consort Clark/Talia thoughts
#like. im utterly pathetic when it comes to worldbuilding. but let me set the scene okay#you're bruce wayne. you're carved out of your mother's stomach when your kingdom is invaded while your father's head rots on a spike#you used to be a prince; you used to be someone. and now you're a battle spawn -- a thing. less than nothing. a machine of gory#entertainment. you refuse to kill. everytime you do they punish you. everytime you care HURTS. you keep caring#you never hated anybody but your emperor might just make you. the first fight you lose is to a blue eyed CHILD. trembling in his armor#before you. you let him pierce your abdomen. when you fall you hear him weep. when you fall you see the king's consort - a new one z#look at you with big eyes and shock. you 're bruce wayne getting sewned back in place because you'll be dead before you're free#you're bruce wayne and the king's consort comes to see you regularly. they ask you 'just name what you desire. i'll do my best to get it'#you're bruce wayne and you haven't spoken in years. battlespawns don't speak. speaking is for people. you point at your abdomed#*abdomen and lay back in bed. you're bruce wayne and the king's consort touches you gently and you weep.#text#gladiator bruce au#aaaAAAAA#superbat#brutalia
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#i dont think i’ve talked my nonverbal!Diluc hc on here yet#but i keep seeing posts abt disability/chronjcally ill/neurodivergent hcs for genshin characters so here’s one from me#idk i feel like after That Night™️ and being on the run from the Fatui/working with a secret organization#diluc not just learns the ‘value’ of keeping secrets and staying quiet but also internalizes his guilt and trauma of saying smth that could#hurt people#it started with him telling Kaeya that he’s not a Ragnvindr anymore and then is exacerbated by his 3-4 Year Fatui Murder Rampage thru Teyvat#and with all ghat trauma and self-deprecation and paranoia he just. stops talking.#he picks up sign language in Fontaine and still writes but at some point he just stops talking and never speaks again#when he comes back to Mondstadt it was hard to adjust to for both him and the people around him#Kaeya initially assumes that Diluc just refuses to talk to him until he later hears gossip abt how no one has ever heard him speak since he#came back. he goes to Adelinde and/or Elzer abt it and they tell him that they neve even hear Diluc so much as hum or grunt#afterwards everyone changes up real fast— Kaeya and Venti drinking at the bar and seemingly just talking at Diluc but they’re always#observing his reactions and body language even when they’re drunk#Jean tries her best to be patient but she has a hard time reading him bc he’s changed so much in the time he’s been gone#Adelinde & Elzer and the winery staff are the most communicative he’s with— Diluc is far more likely to write with them to communicate#at some point Diluc has a business meeting with some rich dude from Fontaine or smth#Kaeya walks in bc he has an actual important mission thinf to discuss and he sees Diluc and this Fontaine dude and the dude’s wife#moving their hands so fast and with all kinds of gestured and stuff#and it’s the first time Kaeya sees Diluc look so EXPRESSIVE— he’s frowning and raising his eyebrows and mouthing words and all this#and Kaeya just goes ‘what’#turns out the Fontainian dude is deaf and both him and his hearing wife know sign; she helps interpret this to kaeya for the dude and Diluc#and Kaeya is like ‘oh okay’ and goes to the kitchen like ‘i’ll just wait here till yall are finished’#and he sees Adelinde and Elzer there with stoic faces and they just. stand there in quiet for so long.#Kaeya finally says ‘…..so. sign language huh’ and Adelinde and Elzer have the most pained looks on their faces#later that week Diluc finds like everyone around suddenly doing basic signs with him#he later learns that the winery has ordered a shitton of signing books from Fontaine and are trying to learn#+ Kaeya and Jean too with help from Lisa bc like dont you know learning several languages is a requirement for graduation from the Akademiya#soon the use of sign starts spreading in Mondstadt— there might be some small communities where they have their own native sign but it’s not#as standardized nor widely known as it is in Fontaine#this is getting really long so I’ll stop here but yeah. nonverbal Diluc who signs fjskdjs
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another thing I enjoy about asmos character is that we get hints about some of his past romantic relationships
Im sure the other brothers have engaged with others in the past but actually getting to read about it is interesting to me
#obey me asmodeus#i wanna learn everything about this character hah#it makes him feel more real the more info i get#also this info in particular makes sense for his type of character#being the avatar of lust and having so much love in his body#and ik it sounds weird cause#“ahh this is a self indulgent dating game we dont wanna hear about them being interested in others or having past lovers"#but i think it ENHANCES the importance of asmo falling for MC in the end (thats the whole point of “flirty” types tho)#also im nosy...im down to know!#trying to date changed my brain chemistry#me before would have not cared i think#anyways i refuse to believe none of the brothers other than asmo havent been interested in anyone other than mc#like only mc?#are u sure....#idk how to say it without sounding mean#but....thousands of years of existence and u never looked at anyone else other than mc?#no crushes even?#if they were aromantic it would make sense but they aren't cause mc (and even then people can experiment)#ik its fictional self indulgence but...it feels so unrealistic i cant take it seriously#when a character is only capable of falling in love with mc#and apparently NO ONE ELSE in the whole wide world#im already like “...hmmm naur” but now factor in that the character is not human and has been around for a very long time....#like theyve had to met so many people by now please be for real right now#well thats my spiel but i feel like i can keep rambling about this honestly
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#You'd think of all times I'd be having stress dreams right now‚ but I'm not actually#In fact usually my dreams are horrible things of dreadful desperate danger and darkness and blood. Losing my children‚ losing other people#who trust me to help and save them.#But they've all been things like “woman is criticizing my soap bottles” (🤨) and “there's a tornado - but it doesn't hit us actually” and#“you missed a phone call btw”#But it's not that I'm not stressed. I am. I am tied up in all sorts of knots over this pending divorce hearing. And the pending CPS case.#<- That's going to court btw. Dallas has had a full year to do the mandatory six weeks counseling and has opted not to finish it�� so they'r#taking him to court over it to codify that he is not allowed to have anything to do with us.#Fine by me‚ him being legally prevented from having anything to do with us has always been my hope. It'll be a hassle for me having to#*also* appear in court‚ but overall a small price to pay. And it also removes my last theological objections to the divorce;#the unbelieving has chosen to depart indeed.#So! *Good* news. But also not not-stressful.#(My back is *killing* me and it gets worse the closer February 6th looms.)#On the other hand I REFUSE to worry. Because there is No. Way. that God would bring us this far just to abandon us now.#And His fingerprints are *all over* the last two years.#(I am still not precisely 'looking forward' to the court appearances.)#Anyway. Fun stuff‚ fun stuff.#Nattering into the void
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ADA WONG in Resident Evil 4 Remake (2023)
#visuals#ada wong#2004#resident evil spoilers /#resident evil 4 remake spoilers /#re4r spoilers /#there's something so much darker about this reunion that i enjoy very much and it's all down to sinister nature of how ada smiles#and lily gao's detached performance#leon's all of grief and heartbreak showing no emotion and ada can't help but revel in it - in what her death and his years of service#have turned him into#she loves what she's become in the six years since raccoon city - she's accounted for all her failures there and more - she's better#but leon? where she has risen far above he has sunk deep and will only continue to sink deeper and ada adores that#at least that's how i interpret it#this is a part of resident evil 6 i see people ignore because they hear ada call leon's confusion cute and turn their brain off#she's leaving him again with more confusion and heartbreak to bear - she's died once more#carla took the life of thousands with her vengeance and put the blame on ada wong#and she refuses to explain the truth of it all#like she refused to explain her work as a double agent inside wesker's operation even after her mission was over#partially because it doesn't matter - ada wong was never real and she can discard that identity for another#but also because she does enjoy looking down on leon#and has ever since spain#or maybe ever since she found herself above him - rocket launcher thrown down - saving his life as an act of parting#god i love her so much she's so fucked up#thank you capcom#i don't ship aeon in fact i hate it if you can't tell
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Mike johnson has so god damn much blood on his hands, obviously Ukrainian blood, but also plenty of American blood
Refusing to renew something that helps vets exposed to atomic blast and Americans who were downwind of the fall out... it's just sick. I can't fucking stand mike johnson, he's one of the worst scum to ever be in congress, and that's fucking saying something
"Johnson refused to allow House members to vote on bipartisan legislation to renew and improve the program"
Fucking quivering little pimple seems to have a real MO for just wringing his hands while insisting it's not his fault, he just can't do the one fucking part of his job of putting shit up to a vote... oh boo hoo, so sad, he'll just have to unilaterally let funding expire on things instead of literally just putting it up to our elected representatives to see if they want to vote yay or nay
Single handedly make the choices but it's not his fault when they work out how they do
Murderer
#I'm sorry; I both genuinely hate the man and will never forgive him; so seeing this just adds more fuel to that fire#and I'm also genuinely pissed to hear that we aren't gonna be bothering to fucking help out people we fucked over#it's fucking sick#listen; I try not to talk politics too much and I try not to tell people how to vote cause it's not really my business#and cause I don't like arguing with people on tumblr; waste of my time#but for all the dems many many many many many fucking flaws; it's shit like this that makes me hate the gop#every last line about sticking up for rural or poor people or whatever is such a fucking lie#god bless our troops... unless it would cost money to compensate them for making them stand near atomic detonations#at every turn I see fucking simple easy decent bipartisan policy shot down but fuckers like johnson; who is the gop at this point#fuck em; can't stand em#go fucking vote if you can in whatever country you're in; try and get a mail in ballot for your sake#I'm still not gonna tell you how to vote but uh... maybe keep in mind when someone's hands are fucking caked in blood#and keep in mind what kind of company people keep in their political party#fucking murder#cause inaction is murder as sure as if he stood their and kept them from getting treatment directly#removing the funding to let these people get cancers and stuff operated on#it's the same as murder#and again; that's not even going back to him personally; like literally it was just him and him alone#holding up aid to Ukraine for months because he refused to put it to the floor#where... oh look... once it was put to the floor it passed just fine (with a fucking tiktok ban added)#(hate that site but I hate government overreach with this kinda shit more)#one of the few people in this world I think I actually truly hate#I'm never gonna fucking stomach the 'he was so brave for holding a vote' shit lie#bullshit; if he had a spine or a soul he would have brought Ukraine aid to the floor before funding ran out#just like if he had a spine or a soul he'd have brought this radiation victim funding to the floor before it ran out#almost like there's a fucking pattern here of him squirming like a pus filled pimple simpering about how he just can't do his job#can't do the one fucking thing he's supposed to do and bring shit to the floor for a vote#I have more opinions on him; but if I said how I really feel right now I think it would get me put on a list#and... sadly just cause of who I am; if I were in a room alone with him I think I'd just lay into him instead of beating his ass#but he's a fucking monster and reading this story just now... I'm almost seeing red with how much it's pissing me off
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Ichiban looks like a beautiful lady ☺️
real and true
#snap chats#i love how i have a genre of asks where people tell me how beautiful ichiban is#like SOOOOO true im glad we all agree...... gets it from his papa 😷#anyway cheer for me ipicked up my son today <- i got my kirby figure from hot topic#HT is so evil they gave me an in-store-only coupon that i only really can use today...#i refuuuuse to i refuse to spend today. i wanna get metroid prime 2... and a new gamecube controller....#so i MUST save.... esp cause i lowkey also want metroid dread 😷#NO LISTEN I WANTED DREAD WHEN IT CAME OUT BUT I DIDNT HAVE MONEY#i still dont have any but yk thats what im saying....... the wishlist BUT ALSO THE PRIORITY LIST.....#why is money everything. priceless is SOOO right...#I WATCHED THE SECOND EP TODAY AND OUGH. SOOOO true show...... im loving it so far......#ok im rambling too much i want to eat my LUNCH because i got LUNCH with my BRO while we were OUT so BYE !!!!!!#anyway im crying why the fuck is ichiban behind me like we’re in front of this ice cream place#and suddenly i hear this dude yell WHAT !!!! and we all look at him and he’s all#‘is there a bigger cup of this because this is the best thing ive ever had- i hope you have a great night thank you so much !!!’ like YO???#how good is that ice cream... now im curious...#OK I SHOULD EAT i have mango lassi anyway... hehe... tastes EXACTLY like mango pudding hehe...#OK BYE FR THIS TIME
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truly been at my limit for a long time now and i dont know what to do anymore
#gab gabs#my jobs keep me too busy and tired to look for work but they dont pay me enough to live. like at all. I'm in debt and i cant get out#i cant move back in with my parents bc i think my step dad would make me more miserable tjan i am now..plus i cant afford the move anyway#im so fucking stupid for thinking i could do ok living here and working with dogs#i dont even feel like i can work full time rn because of my dog and i cant offload him onto my roommates or afford care for him#I'm just truly not sure what to do anymore and i know I'm not going to be able to afford my bills again this month lorl#sorry for venting on main i have pushed a lot of people away and i dont think they want ti help me anymore or hear from me becaue its the#same thing over and over again from me and they're probably tirwd of it bc i refuse to help myself#trying my best to do the graphkc design shit but if i cant afford to pay bills in the meantime what am i supposed yo do
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Simon gets a message from reader while he’s on base. It’s a video. The thumbnail looks like a blurred image of a store isle
Once he has a moment to himself, he’s able to sit back and finally check out what you had sent.
The camera pans down to show yours and simon’s two year old daughter. She has half a mini chocolate muffin clutched in her little baby fist and chocolate smudges on her nose and bright pink cheeks. She’s standing, staring at something out of frame.
The camera is a bit shaky and Simon can hear you trying desperately to hide your laughter.
“Baby,” you say, “baby, look at me.” You bend down to bring the camera closer to your daughter, who only turns to look at you for a second before going back to staring at the same spot out of frame.
“Who is that?”
Your daughter raised one of her chocolate covered hands to point towards whatever it was that had been captivating her the entire video. “Daddy.”
Simon here’s more of your pained stifled laughter and the camera follows your daughter’s gaze, revealing a cheaply made Halloween grim reaper statue, with dusty purple robes, a plastic scythe, and a hilariously misshapen skull face.
He reads the accompanying texts that had followed the video.
[She just started saying “daddy daddy” over and over and it took me forever to figure out what she was talking about]
[for a second I thought, “oh is he here?”]
[Im so dense lol]
[she really misses you ]
[I miss you too]
The next text was a picture of your daughter fast asleep in her car seat. Now cleaned of chocolate, she had replaced her muffin with a giant plastic rat that she hugged to her chest like a teddy bear.
[she refused to leave without it]
Simon smiles. It had been a long time since he had a family. People who loved waiting for him to come home.
Your texts had been sent hours ago, and he felt bad about not responding all day.
[that’s unfair. My mask is made of much better materials]
[I miss you both too. If everything goes right I should be home by Monday]
[and don’t call yourself dense]
Simon thinks for a moment, something eating at him about that video
[I wish she didn’t know about the mask. I don’t want her to see me that way]
You respond quickly, making Simon feel worse about his delayed reply
[Dont worry about that honey. She’s only two, and I think she only saw you wear in mask once once or twice. She’ll forget in a month.]
[She doesn’t see you as anything other than her daddy]
[her daddy and her jungle gym]
[lol yes that too]
[Im sorry I don’t have a lot of time. I’ll try and call you tomorrow]
[ok Im heading to bed now anyway]
[goodnight I love you ❤️]
[goodnight I love you too ❤️]
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i want to talk about real life villains
Not someone who mugs you, or kills someone while driving drunk, those are just criminals. I mean VILLAINS.
Not like trump or musk, who are... cartoonishly evil. And not sexy villains, not grandiose villains, not even satisfyingly two dimensional villains it is easy to hate unconditionally. The real villains.
I had a client who was a retired executive for one of the big oil companies, i think it was Shell or Chevron. Had a home just outside of San Francisco that was wall to wall floor to ceiling full of expensive art. Literally. I once accidentally knocked a painting off the wall because it was hanging at knee height at the corner of the stairs, and it had a little brass plaque on it, and i looked up the name of the artist and it was Monet's apprentice and son-in-law, who was apparently also a famous painter. He had an original Andy Warhol, which should have been a prize piece for anyone to showcase -- it was hanging in the bathroom. I swear to god this guy was using a Chihuly (famous glass sculptor) as a fruit bowl. And he was like, "idk my wife was the one who liked art"
I was intrigued by this guy, because in the circles i run this dude is The Enemy. right? Wealthy oil executive? But as my client, he was... like a sweet grandpa. A poor widower, a nice old man, anyone who knew him would have called him a sweetheart. He had a slightly bewildered air, a sort of gentle bumbling nature.
And the fact that he was both of these things, a Sweet Little Old Man and The Enemy, at the same time, seemed important and fascinating to me.
He reminded me of some antagonist from fiction, but i couldn't put my finger on who. And when i did it all made sense.
John Hammond.
probably one of the most realistic bad guys ever written.
If you've only ever seen the movie, this will need some explaining.
Michael Crichton wrote Jurassic Park in 1990, and i read it shortly thereafter. In the movie, the dinosaurs are the antagonists, which imo erases 50% of the point of the story.
book spoilers below.
In the book, John Hammond is the villain but it takes the reader like half the book to figure that out. Just like my client, John is a sweet old man who wants lovely things for people. He's a very sympathetic character. But as the book progresses, you start to see something about him.
He has an idea, and he's sure it's a good one. When someone else dies in pursuit of his dream, he doesn't think anything of it. When other people turn out to care about that, he brings in experts to evaluate the safety of his idea, and when they quickly tell him his idea is dangerous and needs to be put on hold, he ignores his own experts that he himself hired, because they are telling him that he is wrong, and he is sure he is right.
In his mind, he's a visionary, and nobody understands his vision. He is surrounded by naysayers. Several things have proven too difficult to do the best and safest way, so he has cut corners and taken shortcuts so he can keep moving forward with his plans, but he's sure it's fine. He refuses to hear any word of caution, because he believes he is being cautious enough, and he knows best, even though he has no background in any of the sciences or professions involved. He sends his own grandchildren out into a life-threatening situation because he is willfully ignorant of the danger he is creating.
THIS is like the real villains of the world. He doesn't want anyone to die. Far from it, he only wants good things for people! He's a sweet old man who loves his grandchildren. But he has money and power and refuses to hear that what he is doing is dangerous for everyone, even his own family.
I think he's possibly one of the most important villains ever written in popular fiction.
In the book, he is killed by a pack of the smallest, cutest, "least dangerous" dinosaurs, because a big part of why we read fiction is to see the villains face thematic justice. But like a cigarette CEO dying of lung cancer, his death does not stop his creation from spreading out into the world to continue to endanger everyone else.
I think it is really important to see and understand this kind of villainy in fiction, so you can recognize it in real life.
Sweetheart of a grandfather. Wanted the best for everyone. Right up until what was best for everyone inconvenienced the pursuit of his own interests.
And my client was like that too. His wife had died, and his dog was now the love of his life, and she was this little old dog with silky hair in a hair cut that left long wispy bits on her lower legs. Certain plant materials were easily entangled in this hair and impossible to get out without pulling her hair which clearly hurt her. When i suggested he ask his groomer to trim her lower leg hair short to avoid this, he refused, saying he really liked her usual hair cut.
I emphasized that she was in pain after every walk due to the plant debris getting caught in her leg hair, and a simple trim could put an end to her daily painful removal of it, and he just frowned like i'd recommended he take a bath in pig shit and said "But she'll be ugly" and refused to talk about it anymore.
Sweet old man though. Everyone loved him.
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before i forget to tell you all
on wednesday my history professor pulled me out into the hall and asked me how me and my family doing. i told him about how we're trying to get people out of gaza but it's getting harder and egypt is upping the prices to leave. he nodded and then said "today i wanted to talk about the biden administration and how they're handling the situation in class" and i nodded and right before we headed back in, i stopped him and said "by the way palestinians are really sensitive over using the correct words for this situation. we don't like hearing 'conflict' or 'war' because that implies there are two militaries against each other and palestinians don't have a military, and 'war' implies it's an equal fight when it's not." and he nodded and said "okay what words do you want me to use" and i said "genocide. call it a genocide, that's what it is." and the LOOK. the LOOK he gave me. i can't even describe how horrible it was. just a pure look of surprise shock and disgust and it was like every single microaggression i've ever received all put in one face. you could instantly tell he was uncomfortable. i then said "you can also call it a humanitarian crisis" and he stared at me for a while and then nodded uncomfortably and said "yeah i'll just call it a humanitarian crisis". i shrugged, nodded, and we walked back into class.
the fact that people are SO uncomfortable with using the word genocide and refusing to use it to describe the situation in palestine is just so fucking frustrating. of COURSE genocide is uncomfortable, it SHOULD make you uncomfortable. but palestinians are suffering from censorship and people refusing to call it genocide is not helping our cause. call it what it is. a genocide.
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To be aware you might be trans but unwilling to do anything about it is to create endlessly bigger boxes within which to contain yourself. When you are a child, that box might encompass only yourself and your parents. By the time you are a gainfully employed adult, that box will contain multitudes, and the thought of disrupting it will grow ever more unthinkable. So you cease to think of yourself as a person on some level; you think not of what you want but what everybody expects from you. You do your best not to make waves, and you apologize, if only implicitly, for existing. You stop being real and start being a construct, and eventually, you decide the construct is just who you are, and you swaddle yourself up in it, and maybe you die there. There is still time until there isn’t.
This reading of TV Glow’s deliberately anticlimactic, noncathartic ending cuts against the transition narrative you typically see in movies and TV, in which a trans person self-accepts, transitions, and lives a happier life. Owen gets trapped in a space where he knows what he must do to live an authentic life but simply refuses to take those steps because, well, burying yourself alive is a terrifying thing to do. The transition narrative posits a trans existence as, effectively, a binary switch between “man” and “woman” that gets flipped one way or another, but to make our lives so binary is to miss how trans existences possess an inherent liminality.
Humans’ lives unfold in a constant state of becoming until death, but trans people are uniquely keyed in to what this means thanks to the simple fact of our identities. You can get lost in that liminality, too, forever trapped in a midnight realm of your own making, stuck between what you believe is true (I am a nice man with a good family and a good job, and I love my life) and what you know, deep in your most terrified heart of hearts, is real (I am a girl suffocating in a box).
And yet if you want to read the film as being about the dangerous allure of nostalgia, you’re not wrong. I Saw the TV Glow totally supports that interpretation, too! But in tempting you with that reading, the film creates a trap for cis viewers that will be all too familiar to trans viewers. Somewhere in the middle of Maddy’s story about The Pink Opaque being real, you will make a choice between “This kid has lost it!” and “No. Go with her, Owen,” and in asking you to make that choice, TV Glow is simulating the act of self-accepting a trans identity.
See, the grimmer read of the film’s ending truly is a nihilistic one. It leaves no hope, no potential for growth, no exit. Yet you must actively choose to read that ending as nihilistic. If you are cis and the end of I Saw the TV Glow left you with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction, a weird but hard-to-pin-down feeling that something had broken, and a melancholy bordering on horror — congratulations, this movie gave you contact-high gender dysphoria.
In an infinite number of possible universes, there is at least one where I am still living “as a man,” embracing my fictionality, avoiding looking at how much more raw and real I feel when I “pretend” to be a woman. I think about that guy sometimes. I hope he’s okay.
Consider, then, my cis reader, that TV Glow is for both you and me, but it is maybe most of all for him. I hope he sees it. I hope he breaks down crying in the bathroom afterward. I hope he, after so many years locked inside himself, hears the promise of more life through the hiss of TV static.
Emily St. James, “I Saw the TV Glow’s Ending Is Full of Hope, If You Want It to Be,” Vulture. June 4, 2024.
#i saw the tv glow#jane schoenbrun#isttvg#isttvg spoilers#i saw the tv glow spoilers#reading#emily st james
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