#people just love being fucking miserable
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People only ever say shit on this site if it's to complain and NEVER even fucking bother to mention ANYTHING positive whatsoever lest they explode I guess. So I will say; I like the update to the reply system and I think it's a good change that makes reading replies on popular posts a shit ton easier 👍
#text post#heaven forbid we acknowledge anything positive tumblr changes#It might ruin our cool kid cred for shitting on everything bad tumblr does#even the bad stuff we made up that tumblr supposedly does#Sorry but the consistent lack of coverage when ANYTHING good happens makes me so fucking angry#Remember the year a virus broke out among the kakapo population and EVERYONE was sharing it???#AND NOBODY followed up on how they bounced back and had their BEST BREEDING SEASON EVER THAT YEAR?????#Because fuck positivity I guess#people just love being fucking miserable#And even better they love being fucking victims
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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one
#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts#course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism#being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people 👍#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn#i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus#cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself#into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation#but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy#and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system#you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao#yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic#aromanticism#aro positivity#aroace#arospec#sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon#you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better#life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not#i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao
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Bouncing off all of the fanfics where the Dead Boys are brought back to life again for a period of time to suggest that their thoughts on it are the opposite of what you’d anticipate based on their perception of the living while they’re ghosts. Charles sorely misses living while a ghost, despite all the awful, awful things he was subjected to. Edwin, despite 70+ years in Hell, is perfectly content as a ghost and finds the living distasteful to a degree.
But, when they get hit by an “aliving” spell, that’s not how it goes down at all.
Edwin has not been in a human body for over a century- and even then only got sixteen years of it- so he forgets how much he was missing as a ghost. Actually being able to feel things- the warmth of human touch, the breeze through his hair, the texture of worn book pages. The smell of petrichor after rain, a warm cup of sweet tea. Even just sleeping and having the ability to give his overactive mind a break. He’s forgotten how many good things there were about being alive.
Charles, as expected, is thrilled to be alive again and his first few days on solid ground are a whirlwind, but his energy is short lived. He frequently sleeps over 12 hours a night, and can’t bring himself to get out from under the covers for another hour longer. His appetite fades quickly, and he finds that foods he’s been craving for 35 years just don’t taste the same. Initially he chalks it up to his mind and body readjusting to human life (despite Edwin having none of the same issues), and continues enjoying what he can. But eventually, it becomes clear that something is very very wrong. His right arm that he shattered at age 14 (and didn’t get properly treated for days) begins to ache again. Sudden touches are no longer a gentle spectral sensation, but an unexpected pressure that he shrinks away from. His body feels heavy, and his energy drains quickly if he has any to begin with.
It turns out that over three decades of repressed physical and emotional trauma took its toll on him, and he had naïvely forgotten-or perhaps willfully omitted- the struggle that was his life when he wasn’t out kissing girls and pretending like his father didn’t exist.
Edwin feels a sense of freedom in being human again, away from all the supernatural trauma he has endured, while for Charles it is more of a burden than he ever recalled it being.
#just the idea of Charles ‘i hate being dead’ Rowland being just as miserable when he’s brought back to life#and also thoughts on how depression can fuck with your body#even when your mind isn’t aware of how much the rest of you is struggling to keep up with the responsibilities of life#but also Edwin rediscovering his love for life once he can experience it with people who care about him#ugh these two have me ill#payneland#dead boy detectives#dbda#save dbda#save dead boy detectives#charles rowland#edwin payne#dbda au#dead boy detectives au#fanfic#kinda#jess’s thoughts
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yes i'm rooting for m*leven breakup because byler is neat but mostly? i'm rooting for m*leven breakup for the sake of el and mike.
to me, their romance was always a puppy love born out of a combination of social pressures, naïve curiosity, and a lack of true understanding regarding intimacy and romantic love and what it really is. it was real in that they do truly, deeply care about each other and they are close friends, maybe even shared an attraction, but a maturing romance is so much more than that. they've grown up and out of being boyfriend/girlfriend, and that's okay! i think television/film needs to show more often that most of us don't have definite "soulmates" or first childhood loves that we spend our whole lives with. it doesn't mean these relationships meant nothing and didn't impact us, it just means they've run their course and that something else is in the cards, and this is part of life!
i've always felt el was at her best and most confident self when broken up with mike, discovering who she was and what she liked alongside another girl her age instead of just relying on mike for mentorship on how to live in the real world. she deserves more of an opportunity to find herself, her autonomy, and her independence, and to love who she is, and she's made it clear she's felt insecure in the relationship with mike because she isn't being loved and understood the way she wants, needs, and deserves from someone who is her partner.
also, it's okay if mike doesn't love her in "the way he should". he is not obligated to love her romantically and stay in a relationship with her just because she's a girl, because she "needed someone", or because he cares about her a lot. he shouldn't be pressured into a romance if it's not truly coming from his heart. he deserves freedom to find out and honour who he is, too, instead of just staying in his non-functional first relationship — one he got into as a child, essentially — and defining himself that way because it's what's expected when a boy and a girl are close. he loves her in some way, yes, but it's okay if he doesn't feel comfortable or secure being her boyfriend anymore, for whatever reason that is. he's felt insecure too, and that's valid and it matters.
they are their own people and are steadily growing and changing every day. they need time to figure out who those people are, and it's become clear (at least in my opinion) that those people aren't meant to be a couple at this stage.
they deserve freedom. they deserve to grow up and be authentic to themselves and not feel like they need to lie for the sake of a relationship. they deserve to move on from this version of their relationship that isn't making them happy and rekindle the best part of their bond: their strong, beautiful friendship. they don't have to be a couple if it doesn't make them stronger and better and happier people.
i think it would be healthy and wonderful for a show, especially one consumed frequently by young adults, to show a relationship starting, progressing, and ending on good terms in this way. sometimes things don't work out, and that is okay.
#eve text#elmike#stranger things#byler#only tagging byler because i feel like yall will like this take lol#tagging tagging tagging WHAT ARE EVERYONE ELSE'S THOUGHTS#god i can't believe i'm making a post about stranger things. this feels like poking a bear#i'm not particularly anti m*leven but like... they'd have to do something pretty special at this point for me to feel like it's viable#i'm seeing the bts of s5 and it's got me Having Thoughts#elmike friendship is something i am so passionate about#even before i ever liked byler (didn't ship at all until s4 even though i knew it was a thing before) i've felt this way about elmike#i always believed they were close friends at heart and needed to break up#the romance part of them felt very distinctly young and very much “he was a boy she was a girl” to me#and it hasn't deepened into anything more mature and i don't see how it could based on the current state of the writing...#the fact that lumax exists — a young relationship that is actively maturing and is healthy — makes that clear to me#and the “love confession” in s4 and how disingenuous and miserable it felt was just the nail in the coffin#also the fact that will (who is IN LOVE with mike) was instrumental in making it happen? ... uh... okay... interesting choice…#fucked up and reductive if they make it another queer unrequited love sacrifice for the sake of pushing the heterosexual agenda YUCK#so i really hope the speculation about a m*leven breakup is real!! i think it just makes sense for their characters but who knows#i don't believe in the notion of love at first sight or one true love and i think the writers don't too???#love to me is an accumulation of experiences and we inevitably choose it at some point rather than fall into it... but idk#tv is so fixated on keeping couples together... sometimes it's just not reality guys especially with young people... LET IT GO...#like i said though i'm not 100% sold that they're going to give up their “golden couple” LMAO#stranger things hasn't historically subverted too many tropes if i'm being honest#anyway i seriously need this season to come out quickly... i'm so bored and getting my master's is crushing my soul#i need frivolity#ALSO btw i won't respond to hateful messages about this so please don't bother. it's not that serious. this is a netflix show
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i truly thought it couldn't get more insane than the last snyder interview segment i posted but he's proven me wrong once again. what the actual fuck
(source)
#if he was trying to make it a no homo thing with the whole “people mistake it for literal love” he failed MISERABLY#bc like. “it transcends the kind of definition for love that we have”#“religious and unequaled kind of devotion to someone else where you'll do anything it takes to make them a better version of themselves”#“he loves living in service of batman that way he loves being the thing that he thinks the city has made him into for batman”#yeah it would've been significantly LESS homoerotic to just say “joker wants batman to fuck him raw”#also. “i am the crazy girlfriend you love the most”#SNYDER. YOU CANT JSUT FUCKKIGN#AUAUUUUUUUU#i know this has some problematic implications all of dotf and endgame do lmfao but like. bro#batjokes#snyder you're going to be the fucking death of me#i have. a bunch of interview snippets i'm saving for. a bigger post#but this one and the last one were just. too fucking crazy#couldn't resist
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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WHAT TAROT CARD ARE YOU ?
JUSTICE — what would you do to ensure justice? you know full well i don’t speak of lofty ideals and courts and magistrates, dearest. what would you do to those that hurt you? if I dropped them in your lap, what would you do? what kind of pain could you possibly inflict upon them? you are right to do so. you are right to want to do so. ignore the screaming, dearest, you are the hand of justice now, and they hurt you. do not look too closely at their faces, dearest. you are within your rights. you spell out your own rights, now. are you happy about it? are you certain that this is the right person you hold by the hair? does your anger hurt less now?
tagged by: @nonpareil
tagging: @lenfear , @wulfmaed , @oflorien , @belayadeath , @sanctamater , @lcerys , and @zalarys
#DASH GAMES //#her concept of justice and her concept of what makes things even is entirely ? it has its basis in what she considers fair and the black#and white nature of her own morality like it’s#her conceptualization of justice is set wholly in courts and the legality of the situation and the importance of one’s sworn word in the#society she was brought up in#like IT IS based in ideals - it IS based in court#and like there has just 😭 been so much. there’s so much - she can’t punish everyone who’s attempted to diminish her or hurt her in any#sort of way because it’s all blurred into one consistent stream of things that she has ? she needs to let go of - she can’t respond to#every little thing when the allegations flung at her most post the birth of her children are that of high treason#like there’s so much simmering anger that she just buried deeper and deeper until she can pretend it doesn’t exist#she doesn’t hurt alicent she doesn’t hurt helaena she’s even reluctant to attack KL after Luke’s death due to her fear of kinslaying like#she has her limits and that still is ? The people she would perceive as innocent and people like Alicent who ? in the book viserys loved an#in the show who she herself cared for like it’s#‘ does your anger hurt less now ? ‘ no! it does not#because the price she’s paid to successfully reclaim what they stole from her is ! too! high !#the price she never wanted to have to pay which she said at the start of it was too high of a cost was paid anyway and she’s fundamentally#fucking miserable because of it#like visenya is dead luke is dead jace is dead and viserys is missing and likely dead and all she has left is joff and aegon#and like the notion of the opposition to her succession was something she expected at that point. But what hurts the MOST is the way they#went about it. What hurts the most is what happened as a result of the shock she experienced from it#like she miscarried from it and she lost visenya - and the subsequent confrontations afterward led to the losses of her other children and#it’s like ??? they could’ve called a great council - they should’ve called a great council but no one did#what hurts is the fact the excuse is the vows sworn to her were ‘ stale’ and thus the people who turned their backs on them didn’t need to#uphold them so they could go about oathbreaking with their honor in tact when it’s like ? ( to her ) it feels as if she wasn’t even worth#the grace of them being honest with themselves on what they were doing#like it’s ?
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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i think the most we will get is PC release (if that) this year but that means we gotta deal with those trolls bc changing angrb0da’s skin color is such a big deal to these mfs and i still dont understand that sweet baby inc shit bcuz all the information im seeing is just bundled bullshit LMFAOOO i feel like her actual character gets overshadowed by the made up problems and no one actually talks abt HER as a character or even analyses her fr (outside of here ofc) lol sms abt to make a banger with her and atreus istg
#Truth be told i dont even wanna talk abt this anymore but this topic gets brought up pretty much every week atp#How weird is it that u would only accept her if she were white#Thats literally you admitting you like her character but her being black is a deal breaker#I feel like no matter how much they want her to be a white girl changing her skin wouldnt change their opinion abt her#Theres this one (big) acct in particular thats constantly shitting on rag and its like bro u need to just leave if ur not happy#or take a long ass break and come back at times and then leave again cuz hes just miserable as fuck and yall know exactly who im talking ab#I do see more people getting annoyed with this topic and i dont blame them#its getting super out of hand and dragged out atp#Once again i do not want ppl to like her out of PITY. she deserves a very honest group of fans and if those fans are ppl#That disliked her at first but started to like her later on thats fine as long as its out of being genuine#I cannot wait for her to gain more fans fr but i have to be careful what i wish for bcuz i dont want ppl to become too crazy lol#I might just post smth on that god forsaken reddit as an appreciation post of her or smth idk yet LMFAOOO#I for sure will have to be more brave and visible with my love for her one of these days#also very grateful for that one ragnarok vp. he loves angie for sure#Anyways#Love angie for life#Gow#god of war ragnarok#rant
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i've been feeling pretty bad about trans things these past few days and it's so disheartening that even after years and years i still have to feel like this
#truth is this world my world is not built to make us feel safe and happy and loved#which we deserve just like anyone else#even if i catch myself thinking maybe i deserve being miserable#i just... almost 8 years since i came out and my parents still misgender me. even in front of other people who don't know#and i wish it didn't hurt i really do. but it does. every time it still fucking hurts.#and yet i can never say anything i just take it and let it add to my pain
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#tw vent#ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going#i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere#i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary#school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this#i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better#and here i am six years later and just as miserable#except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out#and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like#at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life#i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them#i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird#i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule#i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen#i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone#it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger#i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself#because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me#i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it#how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts#but i guess i'll persevere#my cat needs me to#tw suicidal ideation#tw self harm
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thank god for platonic relationships honestly. thank god thank god thank god
#i love my friends but i also love being friends w people#does that distinction make any sense#i will just do basically anything for you if i consider you a good friend. those relationships are SO fucking important to me#ok goodnight. it is so fucking late jesus christ i am going to be Miserable tomorrow#ted talks
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#vent post#ok to rb without screenshotting the tags but idk why you'd do that anyways#I'm once again wishing every fellow adult living with their parents a very 'I'm sorry o7'#mom's getting on my case about 'not wanting to be part of the family'#but if dinners are always silent and uncomfortable with all of us not talking then I think it's normal for me to leave the table#when I'm done eating. it's not 'not wanting to be part of the family' it's just not wanting to be somewhere awkward as hell lmfao#like oh okay sorry let me sit here for another fifteen minutes silently bc y'all ignore every conversation I try to start. jesus christ.#goddddddddddddddddddd fuck the housing market lmao#I love my family but I'd like them a hell of a lot more if I didn't live here#a little distance does wonders#anywaysssss sending love to everyone else who is perpetually stuck at home. esp oldest siblings and ill folk 🤝#we'll get out eventually#no more silent dinners and people who find your optimism and attempts to lighten the mood to be juvenile#stay miserable and pragmatic and 'realist'. no joy or whimsy. fucking whatever. I'm not sinking down to cynicism.#what's the opposite of being the moody black sheep of the family lmao. I'm the only one who seems to enjoy being unserious#ok. vent over but fr anyone else stuck at home when they don't want to be: i love you and we'll figure it out in time. things WILL work out#delete later???
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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^ Bearer of the curse (Had to be the one to tell my therapist that some southern christians say "Daddy god" unironically)
#We've realized why I've been feeling so weird about my family being pentecostal#essentially I always joked about my family being a cult/part of a cult#it's my fun fact about myself! I escaped a cult!#makes people curious cause holy shit a cult but also wow! ur so cool! you escaped!#but it's a lot easier to make that joke when it's 'haha my family is quirky'#versus 'my family openly identifies with a group considered an extremist cult by mainstream standards'#its not a bit anymore#it's not a fun fact its like#A Real Recognized Cult#that preys on vulnerable people like my family and makes them think they're nothing without it#they get that high during the praise breaks and give a bunch of their already limited income#then go back to being miserable but saying they're joyful because the lord loves a cheerful giver#its fucked up#and it's not a bit anymore#I make it a bit with jokes like that but it's just Not#My therapist said he never met someone who grew up in that#but had seen it a couple times and thought it was Weird#So I make the same old joke about speaking in tongues sounding like gibberish#and it hits different because he doesn't get it#I made that joke with other family members who experienced it#but it's different sitting in a therapist's office walking back and forth back and forth#doing the little [ba dum ba dum badum HA] rhythm they all speak with#before the piano kicks up and people are crying screaming falling on the floor#stomping and shouting and singing#the emotional tension suffocated you and you don't know why you're crying but you are#and here I am#in my therapist's office#as he stares at me in horror and it all falls together#ex christian#religious trauma
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