#parts of the house out of the reach of louis for no good reason at all. or nah?

[psyche-in-the-window]

yah guys i think armand was sooo in love with louis or wtv...

[starrystevie]

it's 2004 when steve finds himself back in hawkins for the first time since he moved away for good. he has a master's degree under his belt, a mortgage on a house outside of st. louis with a dog and picket fence, and a rockstar that wormed his way into his heart next to him in bed every night. he's closer to 50 than he is to 20 and life feels good, life feels settled, figured out in a way he never thought he'd get to see.

"you gonna tell me why you're shakin' like a leaf?"

but sitting across from wayne munson and his sharp gaze is enough to make him feel like a teenager again.

steve takes a sip from his glass of water before setting it down on the end table next to him and watches the way wayne's finger taps against the side of his coffee cup. it's like he's keeping rhythm with something that steve can't hear, like a drum beat in his head that proves that he's the reason eddie has musical talent.

"i'm fine," he responds back to wayne, a stilted smile crossing his face. wayne's gaze deepens like he he doesn't believe him. "i'm fine!"

there's a clock ticking somewhere in the living room and the faucet in the kitchen is dripping quietly and it makes the silence that falls between them even more deafening. steve takes in a deep breath and nods absently as he rubs his palms over his denim clad knees.

"is he in trouble?" wayne asks in a gruff voice, low and to the point. steve shakes his head immediately, stutters out something that sounds like no, and wayne looks at him with his eyebrows pinched together. "are you in trouble?"

"no, it's not-" steve stands up and paces out some of his nerves, hands shoved into his pockets so that he stops waving them around. he sighs and looks back at wayne. "it's nothing bad."

"if it ain't bad, then just say it."

steve groans and runs his hands through his hair. it's harder to do this than he thought it would be, quite possibly the hardest thing he's done in years and that's including having to admit to eddie that he does indeed like the stupid beard he grew as a dare from jeff. wayne is still staring at him with a determined look, like he won't let steve get away with any of his usual charming bullshit, and looks so much like eddie that it makes something in his heart explode.

"fine! i'm asking eddie to marry me and i need your permission or something. happy old man?" he finally says, or well, shouts. it's too loud in the quiet house and he can see wayne wince from the decibel he reaches but it's out. it's off his chest and he's finally said it.

and wayne is smiling.

seeing him smile is strange, not because he doesn't look good with a smile, but because it's not often that steve gets to bear witness to it. it starts off slow, clipped at the edges before it spreads to his cheeks and crinkles his eyes. steve's breathing hard when wayne stands up and wraps his hands around the tops of his shoulders. he can feel himself shaking under wayne's grip and from this close, he can see the tears that he knows wayne is fighting against.

"it's about damn time, boy. took you two long enough to pull your heads outta your backsides."

getting hugged by wayne is almost weirder than seeing him smile. it's short, to the point, with pats on backs and chuckles that break loose from steve's too tight chest. part of him wishes eddie were here to let him be a part of the moment, but it would ruin the surprise he's so carefully planned, so he revels in the rare time between just the two of them.

"had to wait for somewhere to allow it first, wayne," steve mutters as they pull apart and he feels hope unfurl somewhere within him when he says it.

"well, alright, i guess you're off that hook then. but y'know," wayne's sitting back down in his arm chair and steve does the same, matching grins plastered on their faces. "you don't need my permission. that boy is crazy over you and if you think you ain't a part of this family already, then you're crazier than he is."

steve looks around at the pictures on the shelf behind wayne's head. sees young eddie and wayne with arms around each other, sees a makeshift graduation picture, an out of focus one of the two of them outside their house in missouri, one of all three of them around the chritmas tree in '99 when they had wayne come down to see them, and he thinks, yeah. they're already a family. at least now it'll be paper official.

[bandydear]

sorry I’m still insane about Armand and his game of obfuscation. he starts out by playing the role of the demure and submissive servant boy both For Kink Reasons and to see how much Daniel Actually Remembers and teehees through every interaction they have about how he gets to Play With the Fascinating Boy again. And this is just the top layer of his deception! The entire fucking story Louis tells has been filtered through the history of their relationship. Up until arriving in Paris can’t be edited, because Claudia wrote Primary Source Documents—but wait, Armand cut pages out of those and placed them on a high shelf no one else could reach. He wrote the lines and directed the play this time, but he’s not that good a writer! All his dialogue sounds the same. The bit part he cast himself in fits too well into the whodunnit formula. The remaining named character who cannot be the hero or the red herring and therefore must be the villain of the story.

He does all of this to main control of a relationship he doesn’t even enjoy living in! He’s picking lint off the sofa for a whiny existential queen who’s been mocking him to the hallucination of their mutual ex for the entirety of their 77 year relationship. He’s shacked up with ANOTHER art dealer but unlike with Marius he gets to pick the terms and the wallpaper of the enclosure he’s trapped them both in. He could play housing swap with Lestat’s sad broke ass widow pad and be happy as a clam with some lamps, his iPad, and a bunch of rats. All of this for an empire of “Dear, this is a Stein.”

[yearnerspermit]

The more I sit with it the more I love the way the writers have introduced dreamstat throughout the season, getting the audience used to not only his presence, but what he is to Louis and how much of him is or isn’t lestat. And now more than ever with the reveal of dreamstat being there in Dubai

This is me speculating now but I’m wondering if they’ve done this to set up the contested NOLA reunion happening in the last episode. And this is not a new theory but I’m thinking in particular right now about why they might do that, and possibly with dreamstat

Maybe it’s in modern day, maybe it happens just prior to the show, and the reason he’s there now isnt because he’s been there all along but did come back at a certain point when Louis might be accepting idea of lestat back into his life

Here’s the thing: the show overall does revolve around Louis and Lestat’s relationship, but only because for these first two seasons, the story is about Louis. Their relationship only matters so far as what it does to him and says about him. I don’t think a reunion has to happen with real lestat yet to be meaningful

The last time we saw dreamstat, it was an entire conversation of louis with himself because he’d reached conclusions about himself and their situation, about what he needed to do and who he needed to be in that moment. and dreamstats presence and then absence during that is a result of Louis resolving himself to that state

Now, the outcome of that conclusion? IMO it’s not great. It was maybe necessary for survival but it’s not good for him. It’s reactive not proactive.

Louis very sharply reverts back to the persona we see him start the show in, when he felt constantly scrutinized and under threat, and so had to perform strength constantly, even when it conflicted with his own internal feelings and care, because weakness couldn’t be shown

So. I think it could be a very fitting parallel, for either the reintroduction of dreamstat into his life, or a current meeting with dreamstat to be nothing to do with lestat himself, but the culmination of their relationship for this season being a character-defining turning point for Louis

I don’t think they’re ready to meet again much less get back together as we see them in the show, but for Louis to have a moment with what Jacob has called his conscience, to reach a moment of actualization and come to terms with his own guilt and trauma, to accept parts of himself he’s been denying his entire life, and to do it again through a moment of vulnerability with the only person besides Paul he’s ever gotten close to having that vulnerability with? It makes sense

Even more so because he never actually was able to have that with anyone else before, even the real lestat. But the version of him in his own head? That we’ve seen him have those unusually personal and revelatory moments with? I think that makes sense. and it could also be really really effective

I could be completely wrong and I trust the writers at this point to execute whatever they have incredibly well

But I could see the end of episode 8 playing out something like that. Louis getting out of the Dubai penthouse. A book, a gesture, a message sent out into the world saying come to me. Returning to an empty house on Rue Royal. Not finding lestat, but finding in his own mind, through the image of the first person he ever felt seen by, the words and acceptance he needs to move forward. To want to exist. To want anything for himself in general. To feel like he deserves that. And then maybe, somewhere out there. Lestat strolling past a bookstore. Seeing the cover in a window. The fantasy he had the first time around with the interview, but this time with a more honest story and more honest intent. The set up and necessary character development to make a future possible

Because the story isn’t about Louis and Lestat. Not yet. Right now it’s about Louis. And there are some things that maybe he needs to hear from himself, even if it’s someone else’s voice. And maybe that opens the door to the next season being lestat, and then the story finally reaching that point of them and their stories together

[1dmonthlyficroundup]

— 1D Monthly Fic Roundup —

Hi, and welcome to the 1D Monthly Fic Roundup for July 2023! Below you’ll find 1D fics that were all published this month in the order they were submitted to the blog. We hope you’ll check out these new fics! If you would like to submit your own fic, please check this post on how to submit or visit our blog @1dmonthlyficroundup​. You can find all our other posts here.

Happy reading!

＊ Not Safe For Work by bluegreenish / @greenblueish [E, 23k, Harry/Louis]

I want to drown myself in Harry’s scent until I smell like him.

“I think I'm open to trying that too. Sounds very good.”

Louis shakes his head a little to get out of the Harry’s-scent-spiral. “Huh?”

“The dish your finger's pointing at. I thought that might be what you’re choosing?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

or, the one where the boys work at Niall's fashion start-up 28 Programme Designs, and omega Louis has a lot of not safe for work thoughts about his colleague Harry, but little does he know that the alpha can read minds.

＊ Let The Ocean Worry About Being Blue by bluegreenish / @greenblueish [E, 5k, Louis/Harry]

In a society where young adults go through the so-called Colour Test which determines their affiliation to a Colour - Blue, Yellow, Red or Green - and thus where they'll live, work and socialise for the rest of their lives, Harry is finally about to take the Test. Born and raised in Yellow, he met his boyfriend when he was still a teenager - against the government's recommendation. Louis, however, changed from Yellow to Blue two years ago. The problem: Harry needs to receive a Blue Test result as well, because a relationship between two people who live in different Colours is forbidden.

＊ The Truth In Me by @hellolovers13 [G, 1k, Harry & Zayn]

Harry is ready to come out to her best friend. Series. Part 2 of She

＊ Hold On Tighter by @hellolovers13 [G, 1k, Harry]

Harry finally has the house to herself again. Or so she thought. Series. Part 3 of She

＊ Take the Moment and Taste It by @hellolovers13 [E, 4k, Louis/Harry]

“You made him a bracelet?”

“Yeah. It’s a whole thing, people make these friendship bracelets and trade them at the shows. I got a bunch from fans while I was there, but I wanted to give Harry one, with my number on it.”

“Your number as in 28, your squad number, or your phone number?”

Louis smirked. “You know which one.”

or Louis didn't get the chance to give Harry his bracelet in person, but Harry isn't one to leave fate alone.

＊ Glasgow by @hellolovers13 [T, 859 words, Harry/Louis]

Louis' first moments with his newborn daughter. Part 3 of When the City’s Sleeping

＊ Paris in the Rain by @aquamarinedaffodil [T, 17k, Louis/Harry]

“Of course, I want to go to Paris with you,” Harry declares fondly, pushing himself up with one warm palm on Louis’ chest. Pleased, Louis smooths his hands over Harry’s thighs and licks his lips. His vision narrows as his eyes crinkle with the grin unfurling on his face.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” His cheeks heat up as Harry stares at him with a mix of excitement and disbelief in his eyes, those gorgeous emerald eyes that have become Louis’ favourite thing to wake up to. Reaching for Harry’s hand on his chest, he interlaces their fingers, pressing a tender kiss to Harry’s knuckles. “Happy Birthday, baby.”

I love you, Louis thinks but doesn’t say.

That’s what Paris is for.

— Or Louis attempts his first-ever grand romantic gesture and things don’t go according to plan.

Series. Part 2 of Darling Universe

＊ Suddenly Last Summer by @disgruntledkittenface [E, 44k, Harry/Louis]

Louis is bored, rich and lonely. He has no reason to expect that this summer in the Hamptons with his friends will be different from any other – until he meets Harry. Suddenly he has someone who listens to him and cares about what he thinks. Someone who really sees him. But their happily ever after is forever marred by an incident at a party during Labor Day weekend, and Louis is left with a choice to make.

＊ A Social Construct by YesIsAWorld / @louandhazaf [E, 7k, Louis/Harry]

Five times Harry and Louis try to lose their virginity and one time they finally do. Part 4 of Swallow My Words

＊ does it always end in heartbreak? by fearsparks / @onlythebravest [E, 47k, Harry/Louis]

It was only when Harry and Niall were on the bus on their way home that Harry got the chance to ask him what he thought of Louis.

“He’s great. I really like him.”

“Yeah?”

Niall nodded. “Think you’ve found a jealous one though,” he added. “A jealous and protective one.”

Harry sighed. “If he stays.”

“You haven’t told him yet?”

“You think I wouldn’t call you the moment I did so and tell you?” His voice changed, turned a bit shakier, when he continued, “I’m going to. Next date. I just –”

(Life never plays out the way one wants it to and no one ever goes through it unharmed. A story of two relationships, two life stages and more than only two broken hearts.)

＊ Running Over Thoughts That Make My Feet Hurt by @enchantedlandcoffee [E, 4k, Louis/Harry]

Louis is the little league coach of 'The Ducklings', the team that Harry's daughter plays for. Whilst she tries her best, she doesn't quite have the skills so Coach Tommo steps in. He offers private lessons to try and help her, and if he gets in her dad's good books? Well that'd just be a bonus.

＊ Are you ready for a new sensation? by yeah_alright / @uhoh-but-yeah-alright [E, 2k, Harry/Louis]

Louis's never had his toes sucked. Harry can't let that stand.

＊ No (Birth) Control by @haztobegood [E, 2k, Louis/Harry]

They’d been so careful the past few years, ever since the twins were born. Two pups were quite a handful. But, the twins just turned four. They’d be nearly five. They knew someday they’d try for more. Was that distant someday finally now?

“Or maybe…” Harry paused unsure how to say what he was thinking. He bit his lower lip, averted his eyes. Would Louis be on the same page?

Louis waited a few moments before prodding, “Maybe, what?”

“Maybe we go without,” Harry said. Dropping his voice, he whispered a suggestion into Louis’ ear. “Maybe you could breed me for real this time.”

Or, An unfortunate situation left Harry without contraceptives a day before his heat.

＊ Into The Mist by @babyhoneyhslt [M, 15k+, wip, Harry/Louis]

Sneaking on board the famous pirate ship Compass Arrow to get a story for his journalist father, Harry must do everything to keep a low profile. But when one of the crew discovers him, hiding from the ruthless Captain Tommo becomes almost impossible.

＊ Meet In A Minute At The Rendezvous by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove [E, 3k, Louis/Harry]

Harry and Louis' sons are on rival high school football teams. And whenever they play each other, Harry and Louis sneak off to hook up in the restrooms after halftime. They've never been caught yet -- and if they were, it's anyone's guess whether people would be more scandalized by what they're doing or who they're doing it with. When their sons are injured on the field, Niall comes to find them.

＊ Truth Is I'm Gonna Dare by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove [E, 3k, Harry/Louis]

“Truth or dare?” Louis asks.Harry takes a sip from his beer. “Dare.”Louis’ eyebrows rise. “Feeling brave, are we?” His forehead wrinkles for a moment as he considers the possibilities, and Harry feels a pang of unease twist in his gut, though it’s quickly drowned by another sip of his drink.A billow of laughter rises up from below, some group of strangers wandering home from their own festivities, and a wicked grin spreads across Louis’ face as he peers down through the railing. “I dare you to piss off this balcony.”

Or, Harry and Louis are groomsmen for Niall and Shawn's wedding. At the bachelor party, they realize they have a few things in common.

＊ Make Me Your Aphrodite by LiveLaughLoveLarry / @loveislarryislove [M, 16k, Louis/Harry]

“I just – I don’t know." Harry sighs. "I go on so many dates, and they’re all just… nothing. The guys are boring, or they’re terrible in bed, or there’s just no chemistry. It’s just so frustrating. Enough to make a girl want to give up on men altogether.”

“I mean, I did give up on men, like a decade ago,” Louis says, laughing. “Have you tried dating girls?”

It’s meant as a joke, but Harry looks thoughtful. “Maybe I should,” she says. “I’ve considered it, but never actually tried – I mean, goodness knows it can’t be any worse than some of the guys I’ve gone out with.”

Louis blinks. “Wait, do you – are you serious?”

“Why not?” Harry says, pulling out her phone. “I’ll change my Tinder settings right now, look.” She taps the screen a few times, navigating through the pages. “If it doesn’t pan out, then oh well, I’ve had some nice conversations with some nice girls – not the worst thing. Maybe we can even be friends. And if it does…” She smiles. “Well. You know.”

Written for the 1D Astro Fic Fest, based on the prompting heavenly body: Venus.

＊ Ice, Ice, Baby by cherrylarry / @beelou [G, 1k, Louis/Harry]

Figure skater Harry takes Louis out on the ice for the first time

＊ (Gimme a Solution and) Watch Me Run With It by @lululawrence [NR, 21k, Louis/Harry]

This second, this minute, this hour, this day... hell, this week the trend was for Harry to feel overwhelmed. He was having a hard time not drowning in all of the responsibilities he had heaped upon himself and it had exhausted him. Beyond that, really. He had gotten to the point where he didn't even remember why he used to be so focused on getting back on stage every night.

Fine. Maybe this trend had been going on for even longer than a week. It might have even been months.

Harry is getting dangerously close to his breaking point, and that is when things start to change, starting with a favorite childhood sweet a member of the touring crew leaves for him in his dressing room.

＊ U-Pop Truck Stop by @kingsofeverything [E, 4k, Harry/Louis]

After driving their big rigs all day, Harry and Louis park at the same truck stop.

＊ In Shining Armour of Trackie and Trainers by LadyAJ_13 / @ladyaj-13 [T, 9k, Louis/Harry]

Online dating isn't exactly working for Harry. In fact, it couldn't really be going much worse. But then the door of the bar opens, and the pack of friends walking in parts and - that’s Louis Tomlinson.

Louis fucking Tomlinson.

＊ The Touch of Your Hand by larry_hiatus / @larry-hiatus [E, 8k, Harry/Louis]

Louis has decided to bite the bullet and get himself a dick piercing. He knows it’s going to hurt, but what he doesn’t know is how to calm down when he finds himself on the brink of a panic attack in front of the incredibly attractive piercer, Harry. Luckily, Harry is really sweet and offers to help ease his nerves.

＊ Proper Little Darling by larry_hiatus / @larry-hiatus [E, 6k, Louis/Harry]

Harry loves the days when Louis makes him dress up pretty and tells him not to go to the loo. Today is one of those days. Their fun, however, does not go quite as planned…

＊ I got me an appetite, now I can taste it by @enchantedlandcoffee [E, 935 words, Harry/Louis]

"Haz, are you sure about this? I don't want to hurt you, love." Louis asked, hovering over Harry's chest.

"Lou..." The omega whined, bringing his hands to the alpha's butt in an attempt to bring him closer. "You won't hurt me."

"Are you sure?" Louis asked again, staying rooted in his position until he was sure he wouldn't hurt the omega.

"I'm sure," Harry whined, moving his hands to the top of Louis' thighs. "How about this? If I'm uncomfortable in any way, I'll tap you twice, like this, okay?" The omega demonstrated the movement for Louis, tapping twice on the alpha's upper thigh.

OR Louis and Harry try something new in the bedroom.

＊ (drippin' on me) till my feet are wet by @justanothershadeofblue [E, 3k, Louis/Harry]

They’ve known each other so long, is the thing. More than a decade, at this point; their entire adult lives. They know each other with a deep and abiding familiarity, know each other's ins and outs, hopes and fears, secrets and kinks. There’s nothing hidden between them, and little that escapes each other’s notice.

All of which is to say, Louis knows exactly what Harry’s up to, making this huge pitcher of lemonade and waiting until the lads were out the door to bring it outside and press a cold glass into Louis’ hand. He’d poured the liquid carefully, sunglasses concealing his gaze as he filled it to the top.

“Drink up,” Harry had said, and Louis had, tipping the contents down his throat in one long pull, letting a few drops slip free and run down, chilled and sweet, into his short beard. He’d caught Harry’s eye and held out his glass for more. “Good,” Harry had said, voice deep, and filled it again.

＊ The Beautiful Game (Group Stage) by @justanothershadeofblue [E, 2k+, wip, ot5]

Neil: Right, lads, you ready for this?

LouLou🍋: bloody christ

Neil: Kick on the first game is in three days!!

Leeyum: kick on wut?

Neil: *slaps you* The Women’s World Cup, you eejit! Where have you been?

Leeyum: London mostly

Z: ☘️ gon 2 win it all thn?

Neil: Obviously! Have you seen Katie McCabe play lately?

Z: she is good u rt

Haz: What are we doing?

Neil: Right, there are 32 teams going in. Five elimination rounds. We’ll leave England and Ireland out of it, since we’re all biased there.

LouLou🍋: oh god here it comes

Neil: I’ve assigned us all six teams each. We’re playing old tour rules.

＊ Play for Keeps by Rearviewdreamer / @all-these-larrythings [M, 18k, Harry/Louis]

Aside from being a supportive friend, all Louis expects from being dragged to an annual board game convention is boredom. Then, he meets Harry, and suddenly conventions aren’t as boring as he thought.

＊ Speed Dates and Slow Lanes by zita17 / @louisandtheaquarian [E, 35k, Louis/Harry]

Overworked drama TA and script reader Louis Tomlinson just wants to make it through the end of the semester unscathed when an impromptu road trip turns his relationship with his best friend and roommate Harry Styles upside down.

Basically, this is the story of what happens AFTER a pair of idiots try to become lovers.

Co-starring Harry’s vintage Mercedes named Delilah, with cameos by Shakespeare, mix tapes, Denny’s, Walmart, Frank Sinatra, Joshua Tree National Park, Harry’s crocheted bucket hat, and Louis’ mesh tank top.

Based on the prompt: "harry & louis not together but living together get into a fight, and harry goes: "get in the car” “what” “get in the car. we are going for a drive and we are not coming home until we figure this out" “harry, it’s 11pm on a tuesday” “so what. get in.” and they solve their issues and end up having to stay at a bnb cause they drove too far, and guess what yea baby there is only one bed."

＊ The Heart's Home by @homosociallyyours [T, 10k, Harry/Louis]

Louis is alone in the world, working long hours at a restaurant job that barely pays his bills, when he's roped into helping his bosses with a scheme. All he has to do is guard the special catch they've brought in, the one that they expect will bring them unbelievable wealth. But there's a problem: the creature they've caught is definitely half human, with the heart and soul of a human and the voice of an angel. Louis knows immediately that he can't let this mer-squid, Harry, become a wealthy person's dinner. As they spend more time together, growing ever closer, Louis realizes that he's got to find a way to get Harry back to his home-- the sea --even if the thought of losing him hurts and doing it means risking everything.

[goongiveusnothing]

The thing with Louis is that, he has no radio play. The only times his songs get played are when fans request them. Why is it like that? The bands that support him have radio plays and they are way more Indie than he is, one of them is like proper punk. When his album reached number 1 in the UK, bbc (jack Saunders) made the customary phone call, where louis tells him that he got that without radio support and it is thanks only to his fans. Guess what, they edited this part out before putting it on YouTube. Why would they do that? When his first single was released, and there was no radio play, some of his fans from the UK wrote a written complaint to the officials in BBC and the song was added to the c playlist, which they play at 2am. Even that they wouldn't do for more than a week. There was a q&a he did two weeks ago in London, where he again talked about the lack of radio play.

He cannot reach new audiences without that. He is the only one from ot4 who hasn't played bbc live launge or similar stuff. The next thing he can do is play festivals. Again he himself said that he doesn't get invitations to festivals. It is evident that he can pull in a crowd, then why wouldn't he get booked? He made a festival by himself and even that would hardly get any media coverage.

His number 1 album got four mainstream reviews that qualify for a meta critic score, just four. Out of which one is by an ex larrie, who wants to impregnate harry styles and fuck Zayn. He went private on twitter now. He has been abusing louis on twitter since 2017. Again if there is no review, good or bad, no new audience. Bruce Springsteen's album was released the day louis' album was released. This guy from official charts tweeted about the extreme level of promotion Springsteen has been doing and mentioned Columbia and one direction and BMG. Louis's uk promo was near to non-existent. No Graham norton, no tv performance, nothing. Again no new audience. All of this cannot be a coincidence. I hope Harry is not at least directly complicit in this( but I also hoped he had nothing to do with that whole euphoria mess, which he clearly had) . Sony 100% has involvement in this. Do the Azoffs have? I don't know, there is nothing to implicate them directly. But as you have mentioned they have a clear history of sabotaging artists. Afterall louis and harry share a fanbase. Larries like to tell that all this is happening because he left syco music. That is not true. This has been happening since his second single with bebe Rexa came out. At that time in 2017, there was this twitter conversation between her team and some rj's, where the rj's mention the lack of effort from his label's part as the reason for it not going viral. His next single just like you(which also mentions the Sony- George Michaels clash in the visuals). Was pulled off the radio within a week. And it has been like that ever since.He teased an album and world tour for 2018, instead he became a judge in x-factor. He said that he could not get people to write with him( even though he is the one with the most writing credentials in 1d), he said recently in Zach zang show that he contemplated leaking his album walls because it was going nowhere. He isn't even invited to events or after parties, since 2017. Absolute blacklisting!

Then there are larries, the bane of his existence. They have been writing essays on why he shouldn't be let to grow as an artist for the past many years, especially for the past two months. Spoiler alert: their theory is that louis is forced to make music, his life ambition is to get inside a suitcase and travel alongside harry styles and be a good loving house husband. Apparently he broke his arm, to not promote his album and go visit harry who had the flu. Now a large chunk of them are boycotting him, because he celebrated his birthday with his son. Some of these buffoons are cis white women who are senior citizens.

I am actually quite surprised that he got to make two albums. Honestly didn't expect even that.

Sorry didn't realise it became this long.

it's just that music is a gamble, and sometimes popular musicians don't even get the steam they need, and really talented ones are overlooked entirely. so it's hard to say well it's all because they're being blacklisted or whatever. it's just not a set in stone industry.

i have to say that with radio everybody knows it is a payola industry. it's pay to play. i've always assumed that because louis has real genuine convictions about pay to play and the machinations of the industry, that he's just never been willing to pay to get his music on the air. that he wants the success of his music to be organic and real, not a playlist payola or a radio payola scheme like harry styles.

with the other things like festivals and reviews, i've felt that's because the industry has decided because he's a former one d member, and because harry styles and maybe niall horan are the only ones you're "allowed" to like from one d, that they don't do these things for him. niall does more radio friendly music. louis doesn't and he knows that he doesn't. louis is trying to break into an area of music that is pretty tough because rock/indie music is very gatekeepy, so they don't want former boybanders to show up, as they think it's uncool. we've seen this already in random bands try and make fun of him. he has to really work hard to break into that scene.

we also know how the industry is all about connections. harry has masses of them, and they all cater to him. rolling stone interviews, vogue, another man, auditions to every movie in the world, MET gala, even louis has basically spoken about that. louis could try and spend his time in hollywood trying to schmooze people, but that isn't him. is louis willing to literally become a family member to some random powerful member of the industry just to get a career? do people think louis would be happy like that?

and while i also think showing up to events is something that would boost his profile, again these are things that louis has always said he's not interested in. he's always hated these PR event things, he even hated when in one d. they're very fake and everybody's posing and being full of it, it's exactly where louis would hate to be.

maybe i'm wrong about things. i can think of good promo ideas that don't involve these types of machinations. doing charity work, being seen at local charities or music for like impoverished kids type things, doing low key cheap gigs at small places, learning an instrument or showing how far along on the guitar he is.

personally, i would also change louis's sense of fashion, i think it's just boring to me to see a guy in hoodies onstage. but again, louis thinks wearing that stuff is authentic because it's him. but i personally think it's cool and fun for a musician to have a bit of flair and fun with fashion onstage, of course not clown costumes and maybe he has PTSD from thinking if you dress onstage you gotta dress like a clown like harry, but just something a bit fun. i remember the clash used to talk about how nobody would show up to a gig if you looked like shit, you had to dress cool in a way other dudes want to dress, i do think that does create a coolness and appeal and would be fun.

[a-skirmish-of-wit-and-lit]

Book Review: Twice in a Lifetime by Melissa Baron

Part The Lake House, part The Midnight Library, and part butterfly effect, this book has a cross-genre aspect to it that makes it a time-crossed love story as well as an achingly raw life story that's populated with heavy themes and emotions. Tackling things like chronic depression and anxiety, it gives pulse to real struggles. It gives delicate depiction to the gains and setbacks that people who suffer from these conditions experience on a daily basis.

For that reason, it can be intense and despairing to read at times. Overwhelming. As a reader, you feel everything. You suffer everything the characters suffer. However, it's also hopeful in the way that it champions love, compassion, empathy, and finding one's support unit in the unlikeliest of people and places.

After moving from Chicago to a small cottage in a St. Louis suburb, in need of a fresh start after her mother dies from cancer, Isla starts receiving text messages from a man who claims to be her future husband. She's pretty resistant at first. Disbelieving, too. (Who wouldn't be? It sounds impossible.) But he changes her mind by sending her a photo of them on their wedding day and revealing details about her that nobody else knows.

After that, she relents and they cautiously start a texting relationship. She learns that Ewan is sweet, patient, funny, and good-looking. She can talk to him. He also seems to love her for who she is, which is something she has a hard time wrapping her mind around thanks to an anxiety disorder that keeps her self-worth toddled to LOW and her mind buzzing with subjectively perceived failures.

In part, that is why Ewan is reaching out. He is texting through time in order to try and save her from a dark fate he won't discuss but will result in them no longer being together.

So the question becomes: what can Isla do to prevent that fate from occurring? How can she learn to be happy in the present? Grow? Accept herself and overcome her bad mental health days? And if she does manage to veers paths, what will happen? Will she be able to meet and fall in love with Ewan twice in the same lifetime?

I liked that this wasn't simply a lighthearted love story. I appreciated the representation of mental health struggles, feeling keenly for Isla as she attempted to get a handle on her intrusive thoughts - sometimes succeeding, sometimes not. That felt realistic to me. It was lovely that Ewan was so kind and patient with her, too. I think it's important to see compassion represented because we could all learn how to be more supportive and understanding, especially when it comes to health conditions people are suffering from that are invisible.

The timeline structure and pacing could have been better, though. Isla and Ewan stumbled from texting strangers into "I love you" exchangers rather quickly and I would have preferred for there to have been a slower, more progressive build-up. There was also a narrative switch about halfway through that was jarring. Though I wasn't sorry to get some of Ewan's perspective, it felt like it came out of nowhere. Like a bolt of lightning that strikes when the sun is still shining. Perhaps it wouldn't have been as noticeable had the book been separated into two parts, but who's to say?

Overall a decent debut. It'll resonate with fans of The Midnight Library, for sure, because of its mental health focus.

Special thanks to NetGalley and Alcove Press for the ARC!

3/5 stars

**Follow me on Goodreads

[starshine-wagner]

Reasons to Hope (part one)

Pairing: Sam Kiszka x F!Reader

Summary: On a walk in the woods, Sam and Rose encounter someone in need of a friend.

Word Count: 2.4k

Warnings: language, mentions of sex, angry boss, toxic boyfriend, cheating, Rose Kiszka

Author's Note: I couldn't stop thinking about Dog Dad Sammy. Oops. I also am impatient so here is part one.

You'd had it. The week's heartache had finally caught up to you, and you needed to just get out. The office could feel so constricting, and the break room was certainly not where you wanted to spend your hour on lunch break. So, you headed for the woods.

You were lucky that your building was right next to a public recreation area. Skyneck Woods had all sorts of walking trails, fields, benches, playgrounds, and paths to enjoy. Here, it was almost as if the stressors of your job, your family, and your broken relationship couldn't reach you. Here, there were no deadlines, no tensions, and no checklists.

You grabbed a snack from your bag and set off onto one of the many trails. The further you went into the woods, the less you could hear the cars on the main road, the kids on the playground, and the static frustration in your head. It was a silent retreat, and for that you were grateful. After the reaming you'd just received from your boss, you needed silence. He'd been patient with you all week, but, when you forgot to place an important order, he had to lay it on you. And so, here you were. Boots in the dirt, heading for God-knows-where.

--*--

After the weekend you had with your long-distance boyfriend, you had admittedly been useless at the office. Apparently, it wasn't good enough for him to plan for a relaxed weekend in. He had insisted on going out when all you wanted to do was spend time on the couch watching Bachelor and eating Chinese. Just like you used to at home. You explained how exhausted you were, how you missed just getting to hold him, but he wasn't having it.

"God. Honestly, Y/N! It's like we never do shit anymore. I don't want to watch your stupid fucking show. And when was the last time we even fucked? Like-"

"Don, please-"

"I only see you every other weekend and it's like every time I do, you wanna play fucking house. I'm tired of spending my hard-earned money and time to drive all the way here just for this," he motioned to the living room, "and some mediocre head."

You weren't sure what compelled him to say such a stinging remark. But you knew exactly why your hand went up to slap him across the face. His hand caught your wrist, though, just before you could make contact and slap some decency into the man who was supposed to love you.

"Nice try. I'm out. If you need me I'll be at O'Leary's. Who knows? Maybe finding myself a lady willing to put out for once," he said as he slammed the door shut, leaving you alone in the apartment.

He'd been becoming more and more of a dick these past few months. Even his name was dick-ish. Donovan. Who the fuck named their kid Donovan? Worse, who thought it would be a good idea to date a guy named Donovan? You, apparently. It wasn't the first time he'd thrown a tantrum over something like this. Once you moved to Nashville while he stayed in St. Louis, things had started to change. He got angrier. Impatient. It was like the boy you fell in love with in college had morphed into someone you didn't know. Long gone were his sweet gestures and gentle caresses. No more were the "good morning" texts and the random flowers.

Not having the energy to cry when he left, you simply fell back onto the couch. You reached for your phone to check the time when you realized Donovan had left his by the pillow next to you. You hadn't meant to even look, but a notification caught your eye. A message.

Katie (8 min ago): You think so, baby? I'd say you were just as good.

Baby? Who the hell was calling him baby? Who was Katie? Oh, now this was something. Just as you were getting ready to helplessly text your best friend, Donovan came crashing through the front door once again.

"Fucking forgot my-"

"Who the fuck is Katie?" you interrupted. You stood up from your spot on the couch and marched over to the door, where he still stood in its frame. The instant look of shock on his face told you everything you needed to know. But he still played the game.

"Katie? Katie who? What are you-"

"Shut the fuck up. Katie." You threw the phone towards him and it clanged onto the vinyl floor. "Hmm?" You crossed your arms and waited, mostly so that you wouldn't ball your fists in his direction.

"Babe I don't know what you're trying to say here. Katie is on my sales team. We-"

"Your sales teammate calls you 'baby' now? That's fucking rich."

"I don't know what you want me to say. I don't even know her that well, like, she- Actually, no. No. I'm not going to explain myself to you. I haven't done whatever you're thinking. And fuck you for doubting me, Y/N." He with a final huff, he shoved the phone pointedly in his pocket, shut the door, and left.

Needless to say, your weekend ended with more screaming matches, a half-assed excuse, a confrontation with this Katie, and a bitter goodbye. Donovan was gone. You were finished. Though you knew it was a long time coming, and probably for the better, it still hurt. It still made you question what you could've done wrong. Why you weren't enough. What Katie had that you didn't.

--*--

With the events of this weekend replaying through your mind, you found a spot to sit some half-mile or so onto the path. Nobody was around, and it was midday, so you figured it was a good a time as any to let the dam welling in your chest break. Criss-crossed on the log, you let your head fall into your hands and wept.

You wept for the old you. The one who dreamed of a life with Donovan. Who imagined 3 little mini-you's running around a fenced-in yard while the two of you held hands.

You wept for the current you. The one who was hurting and betrayed and broken and helpless. Who couldn't seem to catch a break.

And you wept for the future you. The one who you didn't know yet. You prayed she was happy. You wished she was successful, and loved, and cherished. All the things you weren't.

It was a relief to be able to get it out. The pain you'd been holding in all week was too much to carry in silence. So, you didn't hold back. You allowed the sobs to come from deep within your chest, emptying out the caverns of your broken heart into nature. You remained like that until you thought you had no water left in your body to cry out.

Then, a shuffle of leaves caught your attention. You figured it was a squirrel or some critter just pattering around. But soon, the rustles got louder and closer, until finally you saw a dog skipping right towards you. Now, this would have been a welcome surprise if it weren't for the reality that the presence of a dog meant the presence of a human somewhere nearby.

"Rose! Rose Bud Kiszka," someone yelled, feigning severity. "Get back here- I have treats!" you heard a man calling down the path. You stood up to try and start walking away, but she was too quick. The dog had jumped into your lap and you were twisting and bending to keep her from licking right into your face. Her muddy paws were soiling your work pants with dirt and you tried to get her down, but it was no use.

"Rose! Shit. I'm so sorry-" Her owner had finally caught up. "Rose no!"

You managed to pull your face away from her excited sniffs to reply, "No, it's fine! Don't- oh!" Just as you spoke, she licked right into your mouth. Not the worst thing in the world, but definitely a little gross.

He wrangled her back by her harness and attached her to the end of the leash. "I'm so sorry. Seriously. I kinda assumed nobody would be out here so I let her off..."

You finally had a moment to look up at Rose's owner as he rambled on and- oh. He was... yeah. Your brain took a stalled out for a second taking in the attractive man before you when he spoke again.

"Are you- oh my God. I'm so sorry she made you upset. Did she hurt you? She's usually not-" He seemed overly apologetic. You realized, then, that your face was probably puffy, red, and dreary from the cry you just had. Snot was likely gathering somewhere on your face, and you clearly looked rough. And the poor guy thought it was because of his dog.

"No! Please. Don't apologize. I was just- it wasn't her! Promise." You gave him a small smile and beckoned for Rose to come towards you again, proving your point. He slowly led her over to your side again, though slightly more calm.

"What kind of dog is she?" you asked, changing the subject as quickly as possible from your emotional display.

"She's mainly a pit, but with bits of terrier and boxer mixed in. My little mutt girl. Aren't you, my Rosie?" he smooshed the top of her head with his hand and slipped into his doggie voice, causing you to chuckle. Cute.

"Aren't you just precious!" you agreed. "And how old?" By this point, she'd made herself comfortable sitting between your legs while her owner stood facing you.

"She just turned one year, actually. Still a pup!"

"Well she's lovely..."

You continued to pat her head as she sat in a glorious bliss. Clearly, she loved the attention.

"I'm Sam by the way," he smiled. "Mostly Polish with a bit of German and French mixed in. 24 years old." Oh. So he was funny too? And his teeth were perfect..

"Nice to meet you Sam. I'm Y/N." You stood up, wiping your now-dirty pants down, much to Rose's dismay. So, you reached down to satisfy her need for pats at all times. Sam quirked up an eyebrow, still hung up on the way that he'd found you.

"Are you sure you're okay...?" he pressed.

"Yeah! No. Sorry, I'm fine. Just... long day." You went to smooth your hair back, only to realize it had half-fallen out of place. Great.

"I get it. More than you know, unfortunately."

You rocked back and forth on your heels, feeling a little awkward, before deciding to put the man out of his presumed misery.

"Well, Sam, Rose. I hope you have a good walk! It's a beautiful day for it."

"Oh we will! But I'm not quite sure she's gonna want to move on," he suggested, looking down at Rose. "You might just have to join us."

"Don't let me ruin your walk! I was just gonna head back actually..." You looked down see Rose's snout exploring your left jacket pocket. Ah, yes. The snack you'd brought and neglected to eat. She found it.

"I don't know! I think she likes you too much. Walk with us? Just for a bit and then we'll see you off?" he insisted. You considered it for a moment before giving in. This Sam and his eyes were just too sweet to say no to.

"Alright then."

The three of you set off down the path together. Sam asked you a bit about yourself, your work, where you're from and what you're doing in Nashville now.

"It's a great city. Really. I've only been here a few years, but it already feels more like home than home ever was," he explained.

"Home?"

"Michigan. A random German town with a lot of Christmas decorations. And world famous chicken!"

"World-famous, you say?" You kicked up some rocks as you went, attempting to distract yourself from staring at his slender fingers on Rose's leash.

"That is exactly what I said. But I never said it was any good..." he peeked over at you with a sly smile.

You laughed nearly the whole walk and were amazed at his ability to set you, a total stranger, at ease. Conversation seemed to flow so easily. He spoke about his brothers and his sister. He asked for your thoughts on the Space Force and whether you think that we really landed on the moon or not. And the way he said things was so casual, yet elegant. He spoke of the beauty in the mundane things in life. He pointed out the colors on the trees as you passed by a particularly beautiful section of the woods. Sam mentioned that he was a big jazz guy and played music with his brothers, much to his father's pride. He stopped plenty of times to give Rose some love. By the time you neared the end of the path, finishing almost a two mile loop, it was hard to believe you'd only just met. As cliche as it sounded, it felt even more so.

"Thanks for convincing me to tag along. I needed that little break," you admitted. He only gave a shrug in response, as if to say I told you so. Looking at the time on your phone, you realized you only had a few more minutes to get back to the office. "Shit. I gotta run, though. My boss will literally kill me if I come back late."

"Okay, okay. At least text me when you get back? Just so I know you're alive?" He snuck the phone out of your hands and shot himself a message.

You: Sam Kiszka. Weird guy from the woods.

"I will." You gave goodbye pets to Rose before scurrying as fast as you could towards the office and back to your desk. Settling in, you tried to look as unfazed as possible in front of your boss. Then, your phone dinged.

Maybe: Sam: Alive?

You smiled to yourself.

You: Yes! THANK GOD.

You quickly saved his number into your contacts.

Sam Kiszka 🐶: Glad to hear it. Drinks later? If you're not busy.

You: I'd love to. You pick where!

You had big plans with your couch that night, but you were she'd understand.

Sam Kiszka 🐶: O'Leary's, then. 8?

You: See ya then :)

(to be continued)

edit as of 2023: im so sorry I didnt make another part lol but im stuck. maybe one day Inspo will strike!

[beneathashadytree]

Hii! I saw requests are open, I was wondering if you could write for Yuumori oneshot where (Y/N) is part of morigang and bonding with everyone especially after William's return? I'm craving for the found family comfort and I imagine (Y/N) helping Moneypenny with the housework now since everyone lives under the same roof and listen to Herder talking about his inventions (╥﹏╥) I'm not sure if there's character limit for requesting but if there is, just Louis, Fred, and Moneypenny(or William) would work fine. I'm sorry this came off too long, but if you decided to take in this request then thank you so much!💕

TO COME HOME - LOUIS MORIARTY, FRED PORLOCK, MONEYPENNY, AND WILLIAM MORIARTY X READER

Warnings : this is platonic and not romantic, this is once again not proofread, some mentions of knives, reader is gender-neutral!

Genre : domestic found family fluff <3

Word count : 1.3K words

Additional notes : Thank you so much for requesting! I was a little confused as to how to format this, and decided in the end to stick to mini drabbles for each character! I added William as a bonus because I’m so soft for him🫠 I hope you enjoy this! 💗💗

Requests : Are open! Check the rules over here.

Want to support me financially? Here’s my CashApp!

Masterlist

The house had been so empty for so long, despite having been quite full of people for the most part. But the absence of three people who’d poured their hearts and souls into it meant that everything was far less livelier without them.

But now that they’re back, Louis had once again slipped into his role, taking the reins and directing everyone to ensure that this would become a perfect evening. Watching him put a smile on their face and a warmth in their heart—one that still remained even as they pushed through the crowds.

“Let’s not get separated,” he’d gently nudged them, encouraging them to hook their arms with his, and though they knew that his reasoning was sound, they understood that he simply wanted them close.

Humming as a familiar feeling of happiness enveloped them at the thought of picking out ingredients to cook a feast that gathered them all at the table, they couldn’t help but grin widely as they saw Louis frowning at the produce, as though demanding the freshest to show itself.

“It’s good to see you worrying about making hearty meals again,” they spoke their thoughts out loud, and Louis looked up with a blank, slightly confused expression.

They leaned in, thumb reaching out to smoothen the crease between his eyebrows, before picking out the vegetables they needed in a bag, elaborating as they did, “You’ve had a lot on your shoulders without them there, and now it’s relieving to see you worry about more mundane things.”

A slightly embarrassed flush made its way on his face, though his no-nonesense manner remained as he looked down, pretending to busy himself with doing the same.

“It’s a force of habit,” he cleared his throat, before falling silent for a moment, a softer look crossing his eyes, and he glanced at them, “It feels more like home when there’s good food.”

“And good company,” they added, as they both paid for their picks, before entwining their arms once again, squeezing his fondly, as he nodded in agreement, a half-smile on his face.

“And good company.”

“Do you need any help, Fred?” they asked, poking their head from behind the door to watch as he brought in bags teeming with the ingredients he’d been tasked with buying.

He gave them a small smile, making his way over to the kitchen counter and setting the bags down carefully, “No, thank you.”

“It’s been a while since you last shopped for so many people. I bet you’re tired,” they kindly patted his back, ignoring what he’d said and rolling up their sleeves as they switched the faucet on, “Could you just dry the fruits after I wash them? That way we could get done with this quicker. Louis said he’d make an assortment of fruits pie.”

Giving up on trying to get things done on his own, his body visible relaxed, nodding along to their request and taking position beside them.

“This routine’s nice,” he softly admitted, his sweet smile warming their chest inside.

If there was anything they’d missed more than anything, it was the way Fred tended to smile to himself when his self-fulfillment demanded that he take care of others in his own small ways that always amount to something larger than could ever be expressed in words. With the house turned into a home once more, they knew they’d see more of that content expression.

“It is, isn’t it?” they chuckled, rinsing another apple and handing it to him to towel it off, before wrinkling their nose as the next think they picked up was a bag of fish, “I’d almost forgotten about William’s… odd… fascination with fish-containing desserts.”

Fred blinked, a look of mild horror on his face, realizing that Louis had specifically requested these for his older brother’s favorite stargazy pie.

“I don’t think I’ve missed that,” he mumbled under his breath, not-so-discreetly shoving the bag to the side, not even sparing it another glance—and they couldn’t help laughing at his rather endearing put-off expression.

“Would you be a darling and help me out over here?” Moneypenny’s voice came from behind them, and they turned to see her rolling up her sleeves and tying her hair back in preparation for a proper day of extensive washing, “I can’t reach the curtain rail without using a chair, and all of the sturdy ones have been taken out for the dinner party.”

“Sure thing, Penny,” they nodded as they made their way over, before getting down on their knees and hoisting her up with their hands respectfully settled on her calf and shin, “Should I lift you up higher?”

“A little, yes,” came her voice from above, a bashful blush dusting her cheeks, “Sorry to be a bother. I normally do this myself, you know, but given the current circumstances…”

“You could never be one,” they kindly replied, a mischievous smirk making its way onto their face soon after, “And now that Moran’s back, you could always bully him for his height into doing more chores around the house.”

After being set back down to the floor, Moneypenny let out a chuckle of her own, “He’s got years to make up for. I won’t be letting him off easily.”

“I can’t imagine you would,” they happily agreed, wordlessly beginning to help her pick off the pins from the curtains, turning their head for a second to listen to the horrified yelp coming from the kitchen, “I think he’s found Albert in the kitchen again.”

Moneypenny blanched at their words, “Oh no… I don’t think I’d be able to take another round of food poisoning. Best let Bonde take the reins.”

After they’d both finished their ends, they plopped the curtains down in the laundry basket. Looking up momentarily, they shared a knowing smile as the ruckus from the kitchen only grew louder.

“It feels like home again, doesn’t it?” she pensively said, tucking a loose strand of auburn hair behind her ear.

They could only swallow thickly, fondness tugging at their heart strings at the familiarity of it all; the sense of completeness that washed over them.

“It does indeed.”

William heard the footsteps long before he felt their presence behind him. A faint smile made its way onto his face as he diced the carrots to his best abilities, pretending he hadn’t heard them.

“You’ve gotten better with a knife, William,” they commented, a slightly cheeky smile on their face as they peered at his handiwork, “Did it take you three years to perfect it?”

His crimson eye twinkled with amusement as he set the knife down, “Hardly. Two and a half, actually.”

They let out something between a laugh and a sob, and William felt his heart pound in his chest. He knew exactly what they were feeling; what everyone in the mansion was feeling at the moment—that sense of comfort and familial affection that they’d missed too much to ever be able to express.

Still, it surprised him to feel a pair of arms slink around his waist and tentatively hug him from behind. Startled, he was thankful that he’d had the common sense to set the knife down beforehand, because now his reflex was to stiffen momentarily. As their cheek pressed against his back, he relaxed, a soft smile making its way onto his face, as his vision blurred with unshed tears he tried his best to blink away.

“Welcome home, William,” their words came out muffled and wobbly against his shirt.

The blonde couldn’t help but affectionately pat their arms and squeeze them just a little tighter in response, his heart swelling in his chest ten times bigger. His family wasn’t made of 3 anymore, and he mattered to them so much more than he’d ever dared to allow himself to wish he did.

“I’m home,” came his reply rather belatedly, but the words that he’d been wanting to say for years had already been cast, and they settled over them like a well-loved, warm blanket.

Taglist: @sherlockscumslut @lilias-highlights @thispersoniscrazy @wifeofkyojuro

[raysofcrosby]

WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU – m. tkachuk

part twenty-six – YOU ARE THE REASON

warning(s): language

summary: while he doesn’t want to, matt fulfills caroline’s request and takes time to decide whether he wants to have a life with her and ethan or to take the out she gave him. caroline has second thoughts about her proposition, while she and ethan are still having trouble adjusting to matt’s absence. it’s time for game six– an important game to both brothers– one wins and one looses, but at the end of the night, there’s still an important decision to be made and the choice could make or break everything.

word count: 15,645

an: hello, we’ve reached the finale of whatever life throws at you and my heart is so full but also very sad. but whoops there will definitely be some extra bonus chapters of some things down the years for caroline, ethan. and matt. also, yes this chapter is inspired by the song ‘you are the reason’ so take that as you will as to how this series ends. be sure to stay tuned for the epilogue! 🥰

⇠ previous part • playlist • series masterlist • join the series taglist •  next part ⇢

It was hard for Matt to be home in St. Louis those next three days. Sure, he was able to see and spend time with his family, Ethan, and Caroline– but it was nothing like it was in Calgary. Not only did they lose that first game, but post-game when he and Brady went to meet up with their family, there was no greeting Caroline with a sneaky kiss or a hug that lingered just a little too long and was a little too close�� there was only a hug and a good game before they got caught up in conversation. He promised her he would do it– take a few days to think it out, though the moment he saw them walk through security, he wanted to buy a ticket just to get through and tell her that he thought about it, and it was her– he wanted to settle down with her.

But he promised that he would do it, so he tried to stick it out the next few days.

They had a day off and Matt invited some of his teammates over to his parent's house for a nice home-cooked dinner, courtesy of his Mom and Mrs Susan. A good amount took him up on his offer, especially the ones whose families didn’t fly in to watch them play and it was a much-needed day off. Ethan was in his element, trying to get them all to play hockey down in the basement or spent most of the time picking their minds for whatever hockey knowledge he could soak up. More than a few times Caroline had to tell him to reel it in, but the guys assured her that Ethan was fine and that they enjoyed getting to know mini-Chucky better and being around kids was always a fun time for them. Ethan even went as far as to invite the players to stay the night so they could all hang out at Matt’s parents’ place– but Matt and Caroline both shut him down, resulting in Ethan giving off a dramatic sigh and calling them boring.

Matt thought that arriving in St. Louis and not being able to greet her the way he wanted to, was bad. At least until the time came for the end of the second game in St. Louis and he had to say goodbye to them all right there in the hallway. It was hard to stay on that winning high when he knew that he wouldn’t be able to see them in person again until game six when the Flames would be back in his hometown. He wanted to tell her then and there that he thought it out (he hadn’t) and that he was one hundred percent sure that he was ready to settle down in a life with her whenever she was ready (he was), but he knew that she wouldn’t accept it. He always knew he was stubborn, but he wasn’t the only one who passed down their stubbornness to Ethan.

On the flight back home, while most of the team was either facetiming family, playing cards, sleeping, or watching movies on their phones– Matt was sitting in his chair, messaging with Ethan as he stared out the airplane window and at the night sky as he saw the three gray circles pop up as Ethan typed up a reply.

“What the fuck was that?” Sam asked, plopping down in the empty seat next to Matt that he had previously abandoned for cards.

“I’m going to need you to clarify because I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Matt replied, looking at him.

“Whatever was going on between you and Caroline in the hall after the game,” Sam said, waving his hand nonchalantly. “It definitely wasn’t the handsy kind of stuff you thought you were being sneaky about at that dinner when they were in Calgary. What’d you do to mess it up this time? It’s only been what? Four days?”

Matt sighed, leaning in his seat. “She gave me an out.”

“What the hell is that?”

“Saturday after the game, Annalee showed up and just ran up and kissed me. Care saw it and I think it freaked her out a bit. She says it didn’t...but things were good before that. I mean, she still said she wasn’t interested in a relationship until she figured out some stuff, but they were still good.” Matt replied, looking down at the screen to see the three gray dots had disappeared, so he locked his phone.

“So she saw crazy Annalee and now a relationship is out of the question?” Sam asked, furrowing his brows. “I thought you said you told her about the hookups.”

“I did and she doesn’t care about them. I also told her I had ended things with Annalee last year and I think she believed that too, but then with Annalee showing up, I think it just made everything real. It’s one thing for me to tell her I had multiple hookups the last eight years, but it’s another thing to see one right in front of you after having our...situation be what it is.”

“Okay, I get that, but I’m still confused.” Sam took a sip of his water, shaking his head. “What’s an out?”

“An out,” Matt sighed, digging his hands into his hoodie pockets now that he had changed out of his suit. “Is Care basically letting me decide whether I really want to settle down or if I want to keep living the bachelor life. I guess seeing Annalee made her realize just how little time had passed since I was doing the whole hookup thing and she thinks that I’m only interested in being with her because of Ethan.”

Sam nodded, shrugging as he settled into his seat. “It makes sense.”

“How?” Matt asked, looking at Sam as if he had to heads. “How in any capacity does that make sense when all I’ve told her for the last three or four months is that I want to be with her and that it took me two years to even get over our breakup, let alone even think about being with another girl?”

“Think about it, Chucky. You spend however long hooking up with multiple women, sometimes even having a main girl in whatever city. Then now all of a sudden you not only find out you have a son, but now you’re dead set on setting down and practically getting married when a year ago you were ending a seven-month hook-up. And technically, you were only five months done with Annalee when you saw Caroline again. It’s natural for her to be a little cautious. I know I would be.”

“But I told her that I’ve still had feelings for her all these years,” Matt huffed, turning in his seat towards Sam. “It’s not just because of Ethan—“

“How sure are you though?” Sam asked. “I mean, how do you know that you’re not wanting to settle down with her because you want to be in Ethan’s life and you’re worried that if you’re not with her that way, then you won’t be?”

Matt just blinked at him, saying nothing. It wasn’t so much that he was worried if he wasn’t with Caroline that he wouldn’t have a big role in Ethan’s life because he knew that he would no matter their relationship status. But now, the reasoning behind the out Caroline was giving him was starting to be a lot more clear.

“Cause dude, you literally grew up in that idyllic family, you know? Mom, Dad, two siblings. Both of your parents were involved in your lives and sports. I’m sure you want to be the kind of Dad and overall parent to Ethan that your parents were to you, Brady and Taryn. And I’m sure that’s probably what Caroline was thinking when she gave you the out. She doesn’t want you to think you have to be with her out of obligation.”

“I mean, that makes sense…but I told her I still have those feelings—“

“But you’re not the same people anymore, Chucky. You guys grew up. So who are those feelings for? The Caroline you knew eight years ago? Or the Caroline now?” Sam asked, digging into his pocket and grabbing some packaged peanuts. “That’s what she’s wanting to make sure. At least I think it is. That could just be something the two of you figure out once you think through this out she’s giving you.”

“I don’t even want to do it, think about the out,” Matt replied, shrugging his shoulders. “But I guess it’s something I’ll do if she wants me to. I don’t know what there is to think about.”

“Literally every single thing I just told you, doofus,” Sam replied, rolling his eyes as he opened the peanuts and tossed one into his mouth as he shook his head. “Geez, mess this up and you might as well be handing her out on a silver platter.”

Matt rolled his eyes, nudging Sam. “Don’t even think about it.”

“Just saying,” Sam joked, holding his hands up in defense. “I would be a great step-dad.”

“Go back to cards before I kick–”

“Relax, Chucky,” Sam laughed, patting him on the shoulders. “She’s all yours. Besides, from what I noticed at that party, you’re the only one she’s got her eyes on. Well, besides Marky. But hey, even Emma was looking at him and she’s engaged. Guy’s Swedish, he’s got great genes.”

So that’s what he did. Matt took the time to try and think about whatever Caroline wanted him to think about from the moment Sam left the seat next to him to go play Cards again, even continuing up to two days when his parents and Taryn were back in Calgary to come watch the Flames win game five. But the night before game five, when Matt housed his parents and Taryn in his apartment with Taryn sleeping out in the living room, he was only six days into Caroline’s request and he still wasn’t sure what the hell he was supposed to do. His Mom and Taryn were down at the pool, spending some time in the hot tub, while Matt and his Dad were up in his apartment.

Matt had just finished hanging up on a facetime call with Ethan when his Dad came out of the guest room, already dressed for bed before heading into the kitchen to grab the box of pizza they’d picked up on the way home– pizza Matt didn’t need to eat but was going to anyway. “Ethan says hi and told me to tell you that he wants to stay over soon.”

“I’m sure Caroline needs the break,” his Dad laughed, placing the pizza box down on the table in front of them. “He’s on constant go nowadays, especially since there’s no hockey going on and you’re not around. Plus, he’s still not quite off the hook for getting suspended yet.”

“Knowing Care, he won’t be off the hook until he’s 18,” Matt laughed, taking the plate his Dad put a slice on. “Or ever, really.”

His Dad chuckled and nodded his head as he grabbed his own slice of pizza. “Have you talked to her?”

“Care?” Matt asked, taking a bite of his pizza as he shrugged. “I mean, in background conversations when I’m facetime Ethan, but not on our own. Not since I dropped you guys all off at the airport. We’re kind of...doing a thing, right now and I guess part of it is just taking our time apart for a bit.”

His Dad chewed his bite of pizza slowly as if he was contemplating what to say or even just taking in what Matt had said. “What are you doing?”

“Huh?” Matt asked, looking around to make sure his Dad wasn’t talking to anyone else.

“I said, what are you doing?” His Dad replied, placing his plate down on top of the pizza box. “You do realize that you dropped us off at the airport six days ago, right? And if you do realize that, that means that you’ve gone six days without as much as talking to Caroline. Which, for two people who clearly have some things to talk about and work through, seems like the exact opposite of what you should be doing.”

Matt sighed, leaning his head back against the couch. “I know, but–”

“Clearly, you don’t know because unless the two of you are able to communicate without actually talking to each other, then I’d say that you’re not communicating, which means that you don’t know what you’re doing or supposed to be doing to make whatever is going on between the two of you.”

“Can I at least explain what’s going on before you go all Dad on me?” Matt replied, sitting back up as he turned towards his Dad, who was nodding. “So last season, I was involved with a girl, but I ended it when the season ended. Come October when I got injured, she showed up at my apartment that night I was leaving and I told her again that we were done because she thought we were just taking a break. Well, she showed up after the game when Care was here and Care saw her kiss me–”

His Dad sighed heavily, shaking his head. “Matthew–”

“I swear Dad, it’s not what you’re thinking. I didn’t try to pursue something with Care with Annalee back here. She just...she showed up again and I told her again that we were done and it sunk this time, but also I think it scared Care. She shut off the rest of the night and then the next day at the airport when we were talking, she said she was giving me an out. A chance to decide whether or not I really want to live the bachelor life or if I’m one hundred percent sure that I want to be with her, not just because of Ethan.”

His Dad just sat there, chewing his bite of pizza and nodding. He took a sip of his drink before looking at Matt. “So that’s what you’ve been doing the last six days? Trying to figure out whether or not you want to keep living the single life or if you want to be with Caroline?”

“I’ve been trying to, yeah,” Matt nodded, taking another bite of his pizza. “She told me to take a few days.”

His Dad wiped his hands off in his napkin before putting his plate back down onto the box. “Mind if I give you some advice?”

“Please,” Matt nodded.

“You need to get your head out of your ass. There is absolutely no reason why you should be sitting here sulking on your couch– and before you even cut me off and say you’re not sulking, yes, you are. There is no logical reason, besides excuses, for you to be sitting on this out she’s giving you for six days.” Matt felt like he was a kid again, getting scolded by his Dad for something that he did. “You are a 26-year-old grown man, Matthew. There’s not much that I can tell you to do, but I can step in and try and steer you away from making a really dumb decision, so that’s what I’m going to do. What are you going to do?”

“What?”

“What are you going to do?” His Dad asked, turned towards him fully. “You’ve had six days to decide and I’m not letting you sabotage the relationship you and Caroline have because you’re ‘trying’ to think about whether or not you want a genuine, loving relationship with Caroline or you’d rather continue having hookups. What are you going to do? What have you decided?”

Matt took another bite of pizza, using the food to take some extra time for himself and his answer. It wasn’t a hard answer, he knew what he was going to say and he’s known it since Caroline gave him the chance to think about it. Sure, he did genuinely think about it– the two different lifestyles and how with one meant that there were things he couldn’t have that he had with the other. But even then, it didn’t matter to him, because he was done with the hookups and coming home to an empty house after road trips or the late-night celebrations when he didn’t bring anyone back with him. He saw teammates get engaged, married, and start their own families. And while he knew that was something that he was wanting, he was even more sure of it now that that’s what he wanted– that stability, that for sure family outside of his own.

“Of course it’s her,” Matt said, looking at his Dad. “I’d always choose her and I’d love to be with her and Ethan if that’s what she wants.”

His Dad leaned forward and picked up his pizza again, nodding his head. “Then why don’t you tell her that, hm? Instead of dragging this out and the both of you going insane, why don’t you tell her that you don’t need to take time to know what you want.”

Matt nodded, taking another bite of his pizza. “Can I do it in person though? We kind of made an agreement on how I’d let her know.”

His Dad rolled his eyes and laughed. “I really will never understand your generation.”

She was now one hundred percent convinced that she was an idiot and it was the worst decision ever to give Matt an out– or to even suggest that he needed one. Caroline would be the first to say that she wanted him to genuinely take his time and think it through– whether or not he wanted to be with her and not just because of Ethan, or if he wanted to go back to the single bachelor life he was living before. But after saying goodbye to Matt for the second time before he and the Flames flew back to Calgary to prepare for game five– she was absolutely miserable.

More than once since that original goodbye in the airport, she’d actually considered texting or calling Matt and calling it off– telling him that he didn’t need to think about it, that she was being unreasonable and she knew that even after all of the times he’d told her before, all those times that he said he wanted to be with her– that he was genuine and truthful.

And if she thought she was hiding just how miserable she was, she was mistaken. Because that night after game three, Taryn had suggested that Ethan stay with either of the Grandparents tonight and she, Emma, and Caroline have a nice little girls' night at Caroline’s place. A night that was filled with wine, cheesy rom-coms, and pizza they had ordered in, it was something that Caroline hadn’t realized she needed to get her mind off of the big mistake she made and that was no doubt, soon going to be reaping consequences in the way of Matt choosing opposite of what she wanted him to.

“Childhood best friends who grow apart and lead different lives, only for them to come back together and live happily ever after?” Emma smiled, looking at Taryn as the title screen for 13 Going On 30 appeared on the screen. “Are we going for a theme with this one?”

“Oh no, it’s purely coincidental,” Taryn smiled, bringing her wine glass to her lips. “Totally not digging at my older brother and Line or anything. Nope, couldn’t be me.”

Caroline rolled her eyes, waving at the screen with her slice of pizza. “On with the movie, I need to see a happy ending where someone doesn’t die in the end.”

“Hey, they died together at an old age, okay?” Emma replied, pointing a cheese stick at her. “She remembered him in the end, that’s all that matters. True love conquers all.”

“Speaking of true love,” Taryn added, swallowing her bite of pizza. “Is there anything you’d love for me to pass onto my darling older brother when I fly out with Mom and Dad tomorrow?”

Caroline shook her head. “We’re not exactly talking right now.”

Emma and Taryn both looked at her at the same time, each with the same unamused look on their faces. “What could possibly be going on now? Was he a dick after that whole girl running up to him in the hallway after the game? Because if he was, just let me know and I’ll–”

“Wait, what girl?” Emma asked, looking at Taryn. “The game when we went up to Calgary? What happened? Is that why you didn’t come back up with everyone?”

“One of Matt’s old hookups from last season was waiting in the hallway after game two,” Caroline replied, holding onto her wine glass. “She ran up and kissed him, I saw it and needed some air, so I left.”

“That’s pretty ballsy of her,” Emma scoffed, eyes widening after a moment as she gasped softly. “Does that mean he was still with her when you and Matt–”

“No, no he wasn’t. According to him, he ended it last season and she just never got a clue. But still…”

“It was enough to make you doubt,” Emma sighed, pouring more wine into all three of their cups. “So when did you last talk?”

“The airport when he dropped us all off. When we were talking while everyone else was waiting by security, I gave him an out. That if he wanted to keep living the single life, he could and if he wanted to really be with me, then that’s even better. But I want him to be sure about it.” She looked down at her wine glass, tracing the rim with her left index finger. “I don’t want him to think he has to be with me, just because of Ethan...you know? I want him to genuinely want to be with me, that he wants to settle down, so whenever I figure everything out...he doesn’t feel pressured to stick with me.”

“It’s understandable, Caroline, really...it is,” Emma nodded, finishing her cheese stick. “Especially with everything that happened with Jonathan. While I think that Matt wouldn’t choose to be with you out of obligation, it doesn’t hurt to be safe. You have to be protective of both yours and Ethan’s hearts in this situation.”

“You know what’s funny?” Caroline said, picking herself another piece of pizza. “When my parents found out what I did– giving Matt the chance to decide what he wanted– my Dad thought it was because I was mad at Matt because of it.”

“Oh shit, Susan and Richard know about the hookup?” Emma asked, eyes wide.

“I told my Mom everything that happened on the plane ride home, because of the fact that I didn’t come back with everyone after the game and because I guess Matt and I’s conversion looked pretty intense. I told her and I think my Dad had asked about it and she probably told him too, but yeah I think everyone knows.”

“Not so sure about Mom and Dad,” Taryn said, shrugging. “Because I can guarantee that they’d probably chew him out for it.”

“What did your Dad say?” Emma asked, looking back at Caroline.

“He just went on about how I should probably consider how different life was for Matt in the last eight years, because he had no idea about Ethan or me, really. How I shouldn’t hold that against him, and I told him that I didn't because I do understand about Matt’s hookups and stuff. We talked about it, he told me everything and I’ve never held it against him since I found out.”

Caroline took a deep breath and sighed, shrugging. “But you know how my Dad loves to go into his philosophical stuff and most of the time, even when it’s not really needed– it turns out to be something you need to hear. So he just told me, ‘CareBear, if there's one thing I've learned through the years, it's that it's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.’ And he left it at that. I guess my out could stem from a little bit of anger, but really– I guess I was just hurt at it all. So go figure my Dad knows just what to say, hm?”

“I agree with Em, Line,” Taryn chimed in, nodding her head. “On one hand, I think you’re scared because of just how real and strong the connection between you two still is after all these years and now there’s nothing there to stop you from being with him. But on the other hand,” Taryn sighed, bringing her cup up. “You really do have a lot to consider before you can allow yourself to fully give yourself to him.”

Caroline nodded softly, laughing to herself. “Thank you, but I’m starting to feel like it was the shittiest decision I’ve made since deciding to hide Ethan from Matt.”

“I don’t know what kind of deal you guys have going on in regards to who's the one who has to reach out first, because you two have your own strange ways of working things out,” Taryn said, taking a long sip of wine as she shook her head. “But all I know is that if he chooses to continue living the bachelor life in Calgary, then he’d be a fool not to realize what he missed out on.”

And she really hoped that it didn’t come to that– Matt deciding that he wasn’t quite sure whether or not he wanted to genuinely be with her and that it was only the last few months of him being with her and Ethan, that made him think so. That the last few months and in all of those small moments where it felt like they were teenagers again and in the depths of a blossoming young and loving relationship, wasn’t just her reminiscing and dreaming back on that time– almost forcing herself to see what deep down in her heart, she desired.

Her, Matt, and Ethan together as a family– that was it. That’s what she wanted, nothing more and nothing less.

She wasn’t the only one missing Matt and it was obvious. After they had said goodbye to Matt in the hallway after game four, it was clear that it was getting harder on Ethan knowing that Matt wasn’t just down the block anymore. It was pouring after the game, all of them having to race to their cars but still getting soaking wet. When they had gotten home, Caroline took a shower first, letting Ethan sit at the dining room table so he could finish eating the shake shack they’d gotten on the way home.

He’d been down since they left the arena, needing to be told three times to follow after them when they went to leave the hallway and hesitating on doing so because he said he was waiting to say bye to Brady again, though Brady had said goodbye to them immediately after media since he knew he and the team had to hop on a plane to Calgary as soon as they were dressed. Eventually, Chantal went up to Ethan and talked to him for a bit, Caroline was not sure what she told him to be able to get him to leave his spot in the hallway and follow them.

On the car ride home, she decided to swing by shake shack to get him a meal, knowing that he was most likely still hungry, plus a milkshake as a little sweet treat. She herself was experiencing how it felt about saying goodbye to Matt again, so she could only imagine how Ethan was feeling, especially since he originally had a rough time when Matt returned to Calgary that first time. It had been a pretty hard week since two days earlier was Ethan’s first day back at school. She’d been a little stressed about how it was going to go, almost not trusting Ethan to be on his best behavior and not get into any more fights during recess. Since the school year was coming to a close, there wasn’t much homework for him to do– but it was still a pain to try and get him to keep up with his reading charts and whatever worksheets that his teacher did send home, most of the time he put up a bit of a fight until Caroline had told him she’d take away the iPad if he didn’t. He still put up some resistance until he realized she really would take the iPad and then he’d mumble and grumble his way into the dining room and sit down at the kitchen table to pout.

Pout exactly like he was when he sat down to finish his food. Pout exactly like he had when Caroline asked him to go take a shower so he could go to bed and get ready for school in the morning. Pout exactly like he did when he mumbled and grumbled something else before throwing his food away and dragging his feet down the hallway and into the bathroom. If she still wasn’t feeling just the small amounts of adrenaline from the game, she’d be pouring herself a glass of wine...or two. And the longer that she sat on the living room couch while making sure all of her work bag was packed, the more tired she became and the more she was really craving the wine.

Caroline heard a door open before another door closed and she assumed it was Ethan finishing up his shower and going into his room to get dressed. She stood up off of the couch and picked up her bag, walking into the dining room and placing it on the table before turning back around, ready to turn off the living room light when Ethan came walking down the hallway, his hair still dry and he was wearing swim trunks.

“I thought I told you to take a shower?” She asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“I did,” he replied, standing at the end of the hall.

“Ethan,” she sighed, turning off the living room light and walking towards him. “Rinsing off is not a shower, I can tell that your hair is dry. Also, why are you wearing swim trunks?” He mumbled something in reply and she stopped in front of him, noticing he hadn’t moved or looked up from his twiddling hands. “Is everything okay?”

“Can you wash my hair for me?” He asked softly, looking up at her with sad eyes.

It’d been a while since he last asked her to wash his hair– more around January of last year when he got hit pretty hard with the flu– but before that, it was almost a weekly request. When he was a toddler and cuddles wouldn’t do the trick in making him feel better, he’d always pat his head and say ‘wash’. As he got older, he would mainly want his hair washed whenever he was sick and didn’t feel too good– it was something that always seemed to calm him down or just give him that ease he wanted to feel.

“Sure, come on,” she nodded, resting her hand on his upper back as they walked down the hall and to her room.

They went into the bathroom and she turned on the tub as Ethan got in it, sticking a foot beneath the running water to check the temperature before he sat down in front of the faucet while Caroline went into the hall bathroom to get his shampoo and conditioner. When she came back, she got down onto her knees and placed the bottles down on the side of the tub, Ethan already having stuck his head under the faucet to soak his hair. She poured some shampoo into her left hand before getting closer to the edge of the tub and started to wash Ethan’s hair. He actually had taken a shower, because he no longer smelled like arena food or the shake shack they’d gotten on the way home– so he was definitely not feeling at his best since he hadn’t washed his own hair and was requesting for her to do so.

As Caroline washed his hair, she was flashed back to all of the times as a teen when she would wash Matt’s in the times when they would shower those summers spent at the lake or the beach house in Florida– bathing suits on of course (most of the time)– and how he used to just relax into her as she did. How once he started to let his hair grow a little bit and his curls started to get wild, she taught him how to take care of them by using the proper shampoo, conditioner, and products when he was off in Michigan. And more recently, their last morning before they dropped him off at the airport so he could go back to Calgary when they took a shower and washed each other’s hair.

She started to feel herself get upset as she thought back on the memories. Matt wasn’t here, he was in Calgary. He would be home for three months before he was off in Calgary again for potentially nine months. She wasn’t sure how she was going to be able to help Ethan get used to the fact that Matt wasn’t going to be right down the street because she was having a hard time getting used to that herself. She was still missing him occupying the space in her bed and she hated it. She hated missing him.

And she knew Ethan missed him just as much, if not more.

Caroline tilted Ethan’s head back to rinse out the shampoo, getting it all out before she reached for the conditioner as he sat up. “Are you okay?” she asked, working the conditioner into his hair.

“Mhhm,” Ethan shrugged, his knees propped up in front of him and his arms rested on top of them as he held onto his hands, keeping his eyes straight ahead at the wall in front of him.

“I know I’m your Mom and to you I’m just this old lady who likes to tell you what to do and doesn’t understand your life or how you feel,” She sighed, massaging the conditioner into his hair. “And I know you’re getting older and you want privacy and to start having your own thing away from me...but I’m always here, okay? You can come to me for anything without any repercussions or judgment, you can talk to me and tell me what’s wrong whenever you need to talk...I’m here.”

Ethan was silent as she rang out the excess conditioner from his hair. He let his knees drop as he sat criss-cross applesauce before scooting himself forward a bit so he could tilt his head back again to rinse his hair. He had his eyes closed as the water hit the top of his forehead and she rinsed out the conditioner, running her fingers through to make sure she got it all. As she brought her hand to the top of his forehead to run back through his hair, she looked down at him, him, and couldn’t believe just how grown up he was getting. He still had the same dark, long lashes that touched the top of his cheeks when his eyes were closed, the faint dimple when he wasn’t smiling, but the freckles that were so visible when he was younger, were starting to fade and his plump cheeks were too– but times like this reminded her that he was still that baby she used to play with at bath time and who would always try and give her the multi-colored rubber ducks so she could toss them back into the tub for him to find and grab again.

As she brought her hand through his hair again, double-checking to make sure that she got all of the conditioner out, Ethan opened his eyes and looked up at her with a soft smile, making his one dimple prevalent. She smiled, seeing even just the small difference in his mood since they left the hallway and booped his nose with her index finger. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Momma.” He replied, sitting up and standing up in the tub.

Caroline got up to grab a towel from her linen closet while Ethan turned off the water, getting out and standing on the bath mat as she came back with the unfolded towel and draped it over his head, ruffling his hair to get the excess water out before draping it over his shoulders. “Now go get in your pj’s it’s time for bed and you’ve got school tomorrow.”

Ethan nodded and they walked out of the bathroom, him leaving her room and going down the hall to his bedroom, while Caroline stayed in her room to set out an outfit for tomorrow– choosing to go more casual towards the end of the year than compared to the rest of the school year. After everything was set out, she plugged her phone in and rested it on her nightstand before turning towards her bedroom door and walking out of her room and down the hall to Ethan’s room, knocking, opening the door, and walking in once Ethan told her she could come in.

“I just wanted to say goodnight,” she said, leaning in the doorway as he rested the number 19 Calgary long sleeve on top of his dresser with the rest of his school outfit for tomorrow.

“Goodnight, I love you,” he replied, walking over and wrapping his arms around her waist, hugging her tight.

“I love you too,” Her stomach dropped slightly as she hugged him back, rubbing his back and bending down to kiss the top of his head. “Do you want me to tuck you in?”

“No, that’s okay,” Ethan replied, pulling away and walking back to his closet, closing the door before going over to his bed and sitting down.

She turned off the light before closing the door behind her as she walked out of his room and back down the hall to her room, closing the door. She got changed out of her sweatpants and tank top, switching over to pajama pants and the same old St. Louis t-shirt that Matt had left behind before she walked over to her side of the bed, pulling the covers back. She stared at the other side of the bed and again, only thought about how it was empty. How it felt when she fell asleep and woke up with Matt on that side and beside her. It was the only time she’s ever let anyone spend the night when Ethan was home and she never even second-guessed it or worried about what to do come morning. To her, having him there felt natural.

But now he was gone and she still had to wait oh so many days to find out what he had decided to do.

Caroline got into bed and pulled the covers up as her left hand reached out towards Matt’s side– the action having her contemplate whether or not she should text him. She sighed, talking herself out of it since it was late and he was still on his plane before she turned on her tv and Hulu, putting Criminal Minds on as she settled down for bed and set up her alarm for the morning. As she turned off her bedside lamp and got ready to roll over on her side, she heard a small knock come from her door, followed by the door opening.

Ethan was standing there in the doorway, wearing another Calgary long sleeve and his Calgary pajama pants, his hand holding onto the doorknob as he stood there, switching his balance from foot to foot. “Momma, are you sleeping?” He whispered softly.

“No, no I’m awake. Are you okay?” She asked, propping herself up onto her right elbow as Ethan just kept shifting from side to side. “Do you want to sleep in here tonight?”

He nodded in reply and when she reached out to Matt’s side of the bed to pull the blankets back, Ethan closed and locked the door behind him before running over to the end and climbing onto the bed and crawling beneath the covers, scooting closer to her side.

“Nuh-uh, you get those cold feet away from me.” She said, holding her left arm out to keep him back.

“They’re not cold, see!” Ethan giggled, trying to move by her and press his feet against her as they laughed once Ethan got by her defense.

“You are your father with your cold feet, I swear you two need to wear socks to bed,” she laughed, noticing how at the slight mention of Matt, Ethan’s loud giggling had started to fade. She rested back down onto her mattress, feeling herself start to calm down as she laid there and Ethan maneuvered himself closer to her side, curling up next to her and tucking his head on her chest as she felt one of his hands reach up into her hair instinctively like he always did as a baby.

“Ethan, are you okay?” She spoke softly, her left arm that was beneath his neck, reaching up and brushing the damp curls out of his face. Instead of answering her, he just curled up closer and pressed his head more against her chest. She sighed, kissing his forehead as she continued to play with the top of his hair. “Goodnight, baby.”

She laid her head back, closing her eyes as she felt herself sink into the mattress and her body start to relax, the adrenaline from the game and Calgary’s win fading off and the exhaustion from the whole day swallowing her whole.

“I miss Daddy,” Ethan finally spoke in a soft whimper, his left arm draping over her stomach as he grabbed onto her shirt.

Caroline instantly recognized the quiver in his voice, realizing just how upset he was about Matt having to leave again and she kept her eyes close in an attempt to keep tears from forming. As she kept brushing his hair back, she sighed and opened her eyes, looking at him.

“You can take your iPad to school tomorrow, but you have to give it to Mrs. Rumer at the start of the day. I’ll call and ask her if you can sit and have lunch in class so you can facetime him while you eat, how about that?

Ethan shook his head, curling more into her if possible as he mumbled something under his breath.

“What? You don’t want to talk to him?” Caroline asked, confused.

“No, I do.”

“Then what is it?” She asked, looking more at him.

“I miss him here...with us,” Ethan sighed heavily as he moved his chest and rested his chin on her shoulder, looking at her. “I want him to come back here...with you. We were a family.”

That was the sentence that made her heart crack in her chest, leaving her speechless for a few moments. She pulled Ethan into her, kissing the top of his head as he held onto her, his sniffles every so often filling in the quiet moments that the background noise of Criminal Minds left behind as she tried to think of how to counsel him. Because honestly, she missed Matt being here too— she missed that family feeling that was so obviously felt whenever the three of them were together.

“We’re always a family, baby,” she sighed, continuously brushing her fingers through his hair. “Whether Daddy’s here or not, we’re always a family.”

“But we’re happier when he’s around,” he sniffled, looking up at her. “You’re happier when he’s around and I miss walking home with him from Papa Walt and Mimi’s and our dinners and getting to sit on the couch with him or him tucking me in.” His mouth quivered as he reached up and rubbed his eyes on at a time as if he was trying to stop the tears from falling. “I want him to come home.”

“Oh, Ethan,” she whispered, leaning her head against the top of his as she hugged him and he cried. “If he comes home now, he won’t play for the Stanley Cup and you want to see that, right?” She asked, leaning back and cupping his cheeks. “You want to see Daddy win the cup?”

“Y-yeah,” he sniffled, nodding his head as he wiped his nose.

“Well he can’t do that if he’s already coming home for the summer, can he?” She asked, brushing his hair back from his forehead.

Ethan poured, shaking his head. “No.”

“How about this? If the Flames make it to the Stanley Cup Finals, we’ll go to every game, okay?” She asked, smiling down at him as she watched his eyes widen. “We should both be done with school by then and that way you can see Daddy all the time, okay? Besides, I know he and BeeBee used to fly on the plane with Papa Walt and the Blues sometimes.”

“Do you think I can?” Ethan asked eyes widened as his nose was congested from crying.

“We’ll have to wait and see,” she said, resting her hands on his shoulders. “I mean it, Ethan. You, me, and Daddy are always going to be a family, no matter what. Okay?”

“Even if you guys don’t get married?” He asked with sad eyes.

Caroline forced a smile onto her face, nodding as she tried not to think of the extremely possible possibility. “Even then. There’s nothing in this world that could ever tear our little family apart, I promise.”

Ethan sniffled as he stared at her, almost as if he was letting the confirmation sink in before he nodded and hugged her again. “Okay.”

“Okay,” she replied, kissing his head again. “Now get some sleep, okay? And if you’re still feeling a little bad tomorrow, we’ll see about you staying home okay?”

Ethan nodded as he kept his head on her chest, the two of them slipping back into silence again until he took a deep breath and exhaled. “I know you said we’ll always be a family even if you guys don’t get married…but I really, really want you guys to get married. Just saying.”

“Okay, baby.” Caroline laughed softly in an effort to conceal the sad look she had on her face and the hurt she was feeling inside, trying not to think about the big what if.

Matt had been nervous from the moment he woke up to join his teammates on the flight to St. Louis for game five. His parents flew back home shortly after he boarded the team plane, reminding him of the reserved late lunch they had at the country club his family were members at, telling him that both he and Brady were welcome to invite any teammates who didn’t have family in town. He invited the rookies, Sam and Marky, most of everyone else's families choosing to come into St. Louis for what could be either the second biggest celebration of their season (behind the Stanley Cup of course) or the time when they would need the comfort.

Besides the fact that the most important game in their hopes to continue their season was tomorrow, he would also get the chance to see Caroline this afternoon. It’s been one week since he last saw her, where in that airport she gave him the chance to decide what he wanted for their and his own future. One week since the two of them last had a conversation face to face or a conversation at all– wanting to give each other space so he could think everything out. One week had gone by and today, he was hopefully able to give her the answer he’d been dying to give her in the airport, and that hopefully, she was more than excited to hear.

He wanted a life with her and Ethan. Not just to be involved in co-parenting, but to be part of their day-to-day lives. He wanted– at least whenever Caroline was ready for it– to be able to hold her hand whenever he could, kiss her without a reason, and share a home with her, where Ethan would sleep down the hall and they’d maybe even grow their family by another child or two. He wanted to do it with her and only her.

When the time came for him and the teammates he invited to go to the country club, Matt booked an uber to drive them there– Sam giving him shit the entire way for making them show up so early. But he was anxious and nervous and every time someone new walked into the reserved room, Matt would immediately look up, thinking and expecting it to be her for just a second until he realized it wasn't and the cycle would continue.

And when Ethan showed up with his parents instead of Caroline, his parents told him that Caroline had to swing by a co-worker’s house for a bit to drop off a birthday present before she had to take care of something else, meaning she’d probably be arriving towards the middle or end of lunch. Matt continued to look for her with every passing minute and hour, the empty seat next to Ethan at their table was ever haunting.

“Dude, you keep doing this like you have been for the last hour, then you’ll get whiplash and be out of commission for tomorrow.” Sam joked, Matt, sitting down in Michaelson’s chair since he and Ricky were currently occupied with Ethan at Matt’s Dad’s table. “But really man, relax.”

“I can’t,” Matt said, shaking his head as he leaned his arms on the table as he picked up a balled-up straw wrapper. “I was going to tell her today that I made up my mind,” he tossed the wrapped back down onto the table, shaking his head. “Not that it matters anymore, cause lunch is over and we need to be back at the hotel.”

“You heard what your Mom said, dude. She had stuff to do today. I’m sure she didn’t just avoid this lunch completely,” Marky added in, nodding. “If anything, I’m sure she’s just as anxious as you are to hear your answer.”

He tried to take their words to heart and just relax and enjoy the time he had with his family before he continued to focus on the important games ahead of him. Though, that definitely didn’t help when he was talking to his Mom, Brady, Andrew, and Richard– Matt and Brady arguing about whether or not Brady pushed Matt down in the third period of the last game when they were fighting for the puck or if Matt embellished it to try and call a penalty. Because Ethan came up to Matt just as they were talking about being pushed and popped into the conversation with– “I’ve been pushed before!”

“By who?” Matt asked, looking down at him as Ethan stood between Matt and Brady and in the middle of their small group. “I remember the one with that kid on the ice when you guys all started to brawl.”

“Nope, not him. Jonathan.” Ethan replied nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.

Matt blinked a few times, staring down still as he rested a hand on Ethan’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

Ethan’s eyes widened as he looked at Brady. “Oops...was I not supposed to tell?”

Matt looked up at Brady to see him rubbing his temples as his Mom and Andrew both looked like they knew exactly what Ethan was talking about. “What’s he talking about? Jonathan pushed him?” He looked down at Ethan, eyebrows furrowed. “Jonathan touched you? Did he hurt you?”

“Well no, but I just got in the way because he was being mean to Mommy and called her an idiot and he was grabbing her arm and I just wanted to try and help. I’m fine, I swear.” Ethan rambled, shaking his head as he looked back at Matt before pointing at Brady. “Ask BeeBee, he’ll say I’m telling the truth.”

Matt’s mind was everywhere as he took in what Ethan had told him and all he could think about was taking one of his hockey sticks to Jonathan’s head. He had not only been mean to Caroline and grabbed her, but he had also put hands on Ethan and knocked him to the ground. Those were two people in his life, besides his family, who if someone were to lay a finger on them in any sort of negative way, he’d go to war for them.

“Annnnd I think we should go now, bye!” Andrew smiled, grabbing Ethan as he and Brady walked away, leaving Matt with his Mom.

“Hey, wait–”

“Matthew, relax,” his Mom said, walking towards him, resting her hands on his arms. “Let me explain what happened, okay?”

“Please, because when did this happen and why didn’t anyone tell me?” He asked, crossing his arms. “He’s my son, I deserve to know what happens to him.”

“You do, but Matthew, your Dad decided that it wasn’t the best time to tell you, mainly because of the series, but also because he didn’t put it past you not to get onto a plane to come and do something stupid.” She said, giving him a look. “Caroline wanted to tell you the moment it happened, but your Dad told her not to and that he would tell you when the time was right.”

“But when did it happen?”

“That first weekend after you left. The day after the article leaked,” she nodded, rubbing her thumbs over his sleeves. “Ethan wasn’t hurt, Caroline wasn’t hurt and both Andrew and your brother kicked Jonathan out the moment it happened, while Blake made sure that the two of them were okay. It happened, it’s over, they’re both fine. Now you need to not do anything irrational and focus on the series, okay?”

Matt took a deep breath, exhaled, and nodded. “Okay, you’re right.” He was still angry, he could feel the anger flowing through him, yet he took another deep breath and exhaled. “But if I see Jonathan, I can’t make any promises that I won’t–”

“Matthew,” his Mom replied, giving him a stern look.

“That I won’t call him out for what he did and give him a strict, the next time you touch either of them, I won’t be so nice, speech.”

“Don’t let it get to you, Matthew. They’re both fine,” she smiled, squeezing his arms. “Now please try to enjoy the rest of your night.”

He tried to do what she asked– enjoy the rest of his night. And it wasn’t so much because of what he learned Jonathan had done that kept him from doing so– it was because he kept waiting for Caroline to show up. When it came time for the stars of the hour to leave, Caroline still hadn’t shown up and besides getting to spend the extra time with Ethan, Matt left feeling unfulfilled. Sam, Marky, Ricky, and Michaelson all could tell that Matt was off, upset about how the day had gone when he had it set in his mind how everything was going to go. They tried to get his mind off of it, but Matt just played along until they got back to the hotel and he and Sam went back to their room.

“Listen, just because you didn’t see her today, doesn’t mean you won’t see her tomorrow,” Sam said, sitting down at the end of his bed.

“I think she didn’t come on purpose,” Matt said, actually saying the words that he had been thinking as time passed while they sat at lunch. “This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment dinner. My Mom’s had it planned since Wednesday–”

“And maybe whatever plans she’s had, were planned before that,” Sam replied, lying back on his bed and holding onto his phone. “You’re getting way ahead of yourself here, Chucky. Give her the benefit of the doubt, hm?”

“What if I took too long? I-I mean, what if she thinks that I didn’t choose her, so that’s why she didn’t show up today and she won’t show up tomorrow and I’ll end up having to bang on her door until she answers so I can tell her that I know what I want and what I want is to be with her?”

Sam sighed, resting his phone on his chest before rubbing his temples. “Dude, you’re giving me a headache. You’re psyching yourself out right now when you don’t even know why she didn’t show up. For all we know, maybe something happened on her way there or she got caught up. You’ll talk to her tomorrow, she won't miss the game, okay? Just...relax.”

Matt’s phone rang, just as he went to reply and when he picked it up, he saw Caroline’s name and contact picture on the screen. “It’s her! What do I do?”

“Answer it, you dummy!” Sam said, throwing a pillow at him.

Matt threw the pillow back before answering the phone, bringing it to his ear. “Hello?”

“I am so, so sorry,” Caroline breathed out heavily. “I just got here and your parents told me that you guys had left a few minutes ago because you had to be back at the hotel.”

“Yeah, Sutter doesn’t want us out past a certain time,” Matt replied. “Is everything okay? I mean...you kind of missed the lunch.”

“I know, I know. I got caught up at Melinda’s, she teaches freshman history, and it was her engagement party and I was only supposed to drop off a gift, but then they kept asking how Ethan and I were doing and about you,” she took a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “I just lost track of time and then I had to go run another errand before it closed and...I’m so sorry.”

“So you didn’t do it on purpose?” He asked, sounding relieved. “Not show up to the lunch on purpose...I mean?”

“No, I swear to you I didn’t.”

Matt took a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds as he felt Sam’s eyes on him as he exhaled. “Okay, good. I thought you did because you were upset that I’ve taken so long to think about everything.”

“No, I promise,” she replied, going quiet for a few moments before he heard her take a breath. “Though honestly? I’m kind of scared for tomorrow...and I was pretty scared for today too.”

He felt his heart slam against his chest as the breath caught in his throat. “Why?”

“Because, Matty,” she spoke softly, sounding unsure of herself. “I don’t know what I’m more afraid of...to see you again or to never see you again.”

“Is it because I took so long?” He replied, replicating her soft tone. “Because I swear I didn’t mean to. You told me to take a couple of days and I...I thought you might not believe me if I came back two days later with my answer. I wanted you to know that I took this seriously because I do, Care. I’m taking this so seriously because I know what this means for you, me...for us.”

“No, I mean...maybe,” she huffed in frustration and he could practically see in his mind, just how she looked– brows knitted together, a frown on her face, how she always looked when she was frustrated. “It’s not your fault, Matty. It’s mine. I was the one who told you to take your time and think it through. I was just scared because of everything that happened with Annalee and I don’t know...I thought this was going to help and maybe it will– but it’s not your fault, okay?”

He contemplated telling her right there on the phone what he decided to do– that he chose her. But he hesitated because he didn’t want to tell her over the phone. He wanted to tell her when he was standing right in front of her, that way he could do what he promised her back in the airport and kiss her like his life depended on it.

That way she knew what he had decided– who he had chosen– and there would be no more doubt in her mind.

“You’re coming to the game tomorrow night, right?” He asked, breaking the silence.

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it, it’s game six. I’ve gotta support the two boys who used to pull on my pigtails all the time.”

“Hey!” he laughed, shaking his head. “Brady used to pull your pigtails and then blame it on me. I was totally innocent.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” she laughed and he could tell that she was feeling lighter. “He used to pull my pigtails and you just used to steal my pop tarts.”

“Okay, maybe I’m guilty of that one,” he smiled, his laughter fading out as he sighed. “So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“I’ll be there.”

Matt rubbed his left hand down his leg, sighing. “Then I’ll see you then. Tell E I said goodnight and that I love him and I’ll see him tomorrow.”

“Will do,” she replied. “Goodnight, Matty and stop stressing about tomorrow, you’re going to do great.”

“Thanks, Care. Goodnight.” Matt hung up the phone, feeling more relaxed than he had been moments earlier as he sighed and dropped the phone onto his bed, seeing Sam stare at him. “What?”

“Oh nothing, just waiting for you to tell me that I was right and you were being dramatic.” Sam smiled, leaning up on his hands.

“Fine,” Matt said, pushing himself up off of the end of the bed and letting his hands fall to his sides. “You were right, I was being dramatic and she didn’t ditch me. There, happy?”

“Yep,” Sam smiled, picking his phone back up, only to look back at Matt. “Can I be a groomsman in the wedding, though?”

“Shut up and play angry birds or whatever the hell you’re doing on your phone,” Matt replied, rolling his eyes as he waved Sam off and went to his luggage to grab his shower stuff.

“I’m on Instagram, thank you very much,” Sam replied, rolling his eyes and lying back down on his bed.

“Whatever, just leave me alone,” Matt called out, walking into the bathroom with his bag of shower supplies before walking into the bathroom.

He reached into the shower and turned on the water before walking back to the sink, resting the bag on the counter and leaning against it, looking at himself in the mirror. He took a deep breath and sighed, taking it all in for a moment before he got undressed and grabbed the supplies out of the bag and bringing them into the shower with him.

Tomorrow would change everything.

After the pre-game skate, Matt and Brady both went out to lunch with their parents, Ethan and the Marsh’s– only Caroline was absent again. Even after last night when Caroline assured him that he would be at the game, her absence that early in the afternoon didn’t leave him with a confident feeling. Even as he went back to his parent’s house and they all hung around for a little while longer before Matt was set to go back to his hotel to take a pre-game nap. Again, it must’ve been written all over his face how stressed he was that Caroline, once again, wasn’t there and the news he’d been wanting to tell her, was once again forced to be held inside.

He played around in the basement with Ethan for a little while, not so much doing anything himself, but rather working with Ethan on small fundamentals before transitioning into the trick shots. When they went back upstairs, they just relaxed in the living room, Matt listening to Ethan tell him how his week of school had gone and how the boy who had tried to fight him last week, Jacoby, now wouldn’t even bother to look in Ethan’s direction anymore– which Ethan said was probably due to Matt teaching him how to fight and that since he had gotten in trouble for starting the fight, his Mom and the Principal had most likely told him not to bother Ethan again.

When it came time for his Dad to give him a ride back to the hotel, Ethan raced to the front door so he could ride along, walking out with Matt’s dad to get into the car in the driveway. The Marsh’s were leaving at the same time, Andrew teasing him about wearing Brady’s jersey, while Mr. Richard was already at the end of the driveway, making his way back to the house as Andrew followed suit. Mrs. Susan came up behind Matt as he was putting on his second shoe, a soft smile on her face.

“She wanted to come this morning,” she said, putting her purse over her shoulder. “She was just unable to finish her errands yesterday and wanted to get them done as soon as she could this morning so she could go to the game tonight.”

Matt nodded, holding the door open for her to walk out. “I know, we talked last night.”

He swore he heard her sigh in relief as she walked out onto the front porch. “Matthew, you’ve known my Caroline for a long time now, right?”

“Yes Ma’am,” he nodded, closing the door behind him as they stood on the front porch.

“So you know, that she feels things very deeply, even though she always prefers to put on a front like she doesn’t, right?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Mrs. Susan stood in front of him, resting her hands on either side of his arms and she looked at him. “Don’t you give up on her, okay? I can promise you with everything I have, that she’s not shutting you out. I know it must feel that way since the conversation you two had at the airport, but she was scared and she didn’t want you to think that she was.”

“I know, Mrs. Susan,” Matt nodded, his Adam's apple bobbing. “Any advice on how to get it through her stubborn head that I’m not giving up on her?”

Mrs. Susan laughed and she reached up with her right hand and patted his cheek softly. “Just let her know that you’re there and I promise you, once she works through everything that she needs to, the two of you will have the ending that you want. Okay?”

“Yes Ma’am,” Matt nodded as her hand moved to his shoulder. “I promise.”

“Good,” she smiled, leaning in and hugging him. “I already told this to Brady at breakfast, but I’m very proud of the both of you for getting to where you are. You two deserve all the best in your careers for the hard work I’ve seen you put into hockey since you were kids. And no matter what happens tonight, I’m always rooting for you.” She pulled away from the hug, smiling at him. “Good luck tonight, try your best and we’ll be rooting for you.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Susan.” He smiled, the two of them walking down the porch and towards his Dad’s car, now with Ethan and his Dad inside.

“Oh and Matthew?” She asked, turning around as she reached just at the end of the car. “When you and Caroline figure everything out, you should ask her if you can read the letters.”

“Letters?” He asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he shook his head slightly. “What letters?”

“There were a ton. Some from when you were off at Michigan, but most of them were from when she was pregnant with Ethan and the two of you were broken up.” Mrs. Susan said, adjusting her purse strap. “She wrote you letters all the time, but I think it just hurt too much to send them. I believe she still has them, you should ask her if she’ll let you read them one day.”

“Okay, I will,” Matt nodded, grabbing onto the door handle. “I’ll see you tonight.”

With a wave, Mrs. Susan walked down the end of the driveway and towards her house while Matt got into the front seat of his Dad’s car, with nerves riddling through his entire body as he looked at the time of the clock and realized that in both six and eight hours respectively, two things would change,

The first, he would either be continuing on to play for the Stanley Cup, or his season would end there and he’d be supporting his brother on a Stanley Cup run.

The second, he would hopefully be ending the night with all of his feelings for Caroline laid out to her and in the open and they could potentially start their journey for however long it took before Caroline worked through all that she needed to and they would finally be together.

Eight long years and it could all pick back up tonight.

Caroline had felt guilty missing the lunch yesterday, knowing it would’ve been the first time that she had seen and talked to Matt since she last saw him at the airport. She hadn’t meant to get caught up at Melinda’s engagement party, but just as she told Matt, she had gotten caught up in the questions people were asking about how she was doing and how Ethan were doing– they’d even asked about Matt and how he was doing. She’d only gone in to drop off a gift, say her hellos and congratulate Melinda before she would head off to the errand she had to do, but her planned out quick five-minute visit had soon turned into almost two hours.

Whenever she was finally able to leave and make her way to her real errand of the day, she was panicking. There was a set amount of hours where she knew that on a Saturday, she’d be able to stop by and pick up what she needed to and she knew that she was cutting it close on both making it in time and also making it to the lunch in time. When she pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse and raced inside, her heart dropped into her feet when she saw that the counter was closed and that she wasn’t able to fulfill her main errand of the day:

Getting the official paperwork for both Ethan’s name change and official documents.

When she finally got to the lunch in time, no documents in hand to surprise Matt with and late to the point where everyone had finished their meals and both Brady and Matt were gone– she felt more than defeated. Add on the nervousness of actually seeing Matt for the first time in a week and knowing that at any moment he could either give her the answer she was waiting for or dreading– she was a total wreck.

So much of a wreck that she had called him the moment after she’d learned from Chantal that Matt and Brady had gone back for the day. She felt better after that conversation, making sure that he knew she hadn’t done it intentionally and that she was sorry for not showing up, and felt even more guilty when he had wondered if she had missed the lunch on purpose.

Shortly after their conversation ended, she had sat down at the pretty much empty table since both Matt and Brady were gone, Ethan was off mingling with Keith and it was only her and Taryn sitting there. Her phone lit up and she was expecting to see a text from Matt, only to be greeted with an Instagram notification, telling her that Sam Bennett had sent her a message.

sbennett_93: Hey, so I know we’ve only ever really talked in passing, but what kind of best friend and hopefully future groomsman would I be if I didn’t message you and give you a heads up when it came to Matt, right?

carolinemarsh: Hi, Sam. Umm, yeah sure I guess. What’s the heads up?

sbennett_93: I don’t know why he didn’t tell you when he had you on the phone earlier, because he’s been freaking out about it since we left Calgary to fly here, but he’s choosing you. I’m pretty sure he chose you back when you even gave him the out and he’s just been stressing about it...but he’s 100% confident of choosing you. 😄

carolinemarsh: Wait...really? You’re not messing with me?

sbennett_93: Nope, our Chucky is 100% positive that you’re the one he’s picking and wants a future with.

sbennett_93: So wear his jersey tomorrow or whatever floats his boat so after we win tomorrow, he’s got another thing to be excited about. Also know that you can stop stressing now. Lol.

carolinemarsh: Thank you Sam 🥺

sbennett_93: Of course. But if you want, you can always mention me in the wedding speech 😄

carolinemarsh: I’ll leave that up to Matt 😂

sbennett_93: Technically not a no, so I’ll take it. See you tomorrow and remember, no Blue!

She had missed brunch this morning too, once again going to the courthouse to grab the paperwork she was notified that came in. What she hadn’t expected was the long line of people filing paperwork as well as picking up– causing her to miss brunch. By the time she had confirmed that the paperwork was correct in spelling and that it belonged to her, she was racing back home to get ready for game six. Everyone else had gone ahead to the arena, choosing to beat traffic and the crowds and arrive early, except for Andrew, who had opted to wait for her.

He had also opted to let himself into her house using the spare key and relaxing on the couch watching the pregame show for tonight's game. She rushed by him and went back to her room, immediately going to the bathroom to set up her shower. Caroline had sped through her shower and getting dressed in some jeans and just an old t-shirt while she did her hair and make-up, feeling herself be stressed about her appearance for the first time in what felt like forever. She opened her spare closet, looking through the very limited options of what she could wear tonight.

There was the Tkachuk vs. Tkachuk jersey she could wear to represent Brady and Matt. Brady’s Blues jersey was out of the question, seeing as Sam specifically told her not to wear blue. She had the blank Calgary jersey that came with the rest of the Flames gear in the gift Matt’s GM had sent. The Tkachuk red jersey Matt had given her the same time he gave Ethan his. And the many sweatshirts and t-shirts that also came in the gift from the Flames GM.

But there was also another option.

She reached out and grabbed the green and white jersey, holding it in front of her by its hanger. She brushed her fingers down the 7 on the left sleeve before touching the logo, turning it around to see Matt’s handwriting in the faded black sharpie– L.Y.A and his signature.

“So wear his jersey tomorrow or whatever floats his boat so after we win tomorrow, he’s got another thing to be excited about.”

Something inside of her told her that if she were to wear this, it would mean a whole lot more to him than just wearing his normal Calgary jersey. She took it off the hanger, tugging the jersey on over her t-shirt before walking out of her closet and room, meeting Andrew in the living room as she grabbed her purse from the kitchen counter.

“That’s new,” Andrew said, standing up off of the couch. “Where’d you get that?”

“It was my Valentine’s Day present from Matt,” she replied, looking down at it. “Though originally, it was my early birthday present from when he went off to Ontario. But, I never showed up...and well, you know.”

They walked towards the door when Caroline felt Andrew tug on the middle of her jersey. “L.Y.A?” He followed her out onto the front porch and he smiled, crossing his arms. “Okay, big sister. I see why you’re wearing it. That was your guys’ little code phrase back then. You’re gonna wear it and then when he sees you, that’s your way of pretty much confessing your love and then–”

“Just get in the car before we’re late,” she replied, nudging him away as she turned towards the door to lock it, giving herself a few moments to make sure her face wouldn’t be all blushed.

Well, he wasn’t lying. She was hoping that the moment Matt saw her wearing his old London Knight jersey, that it might serve as some kind of confirmation to him that she still loved him even after all this time.

When she got into the car, Andrew was already buckled in and ready, but was resting the manilla envelope in his lap that she had picked up from the courthouse. “What’s this?” He asked, holding it up. “The reason why you were late?”

“Open it up and see for yourself,” she replied, turning on the car and buckling in before she started to back out of the driveway.

Andrew opened the manilla envelope, reaching in and tilting it so the two pieces of paper came out into his hand before resting the envelope in his lap. “Oh shit, so now it’s official, official?”

“Yep,” she nodded, looking at the new birth certificate and social security card for Ethan in Andrew’s hand. “I was late getting it yesterday, so I had to get it today. I’m debating giving them to him after the game tonight.”

“I’m sure they’ll make his night, no matter which way the game goes,” Andrew replied, looking at the papers. “Huh, it’s kind of weird seeing Tkachuk instead of Marsh. Kind of miss it, but I’m happy that Matt finally knows and Ethan can have that relationship with him.”

“Me too,” Caroline replied, nodding her head.

“Now all you have to do is finally marry him and you’ll have all the Tkachuk name,” Andrew smiled, putting the papers away. “Just don’t wait another eight years this time, hm?”

They arrived at the game a few minutes after warm-ups had ended and made it there with the rest of their families, not sitting in the box for the game, instead, having a little section mixed in amongst the crowd. Ethan immediately saw the jersey Caroline was wearing and tried to convince her to switch with him so he could wear it. The only way she could get him to stop asking was by promising him that he could wear it the next game. She was fine all throughout the waiting for the game to start, but once the National Anthem was performed and the lights dimmed for the video– she was all nerves.

Out of the six games that she’s watched, whether that be in person or on TV— this one was by far the most competitive and tense game she's ever watched. Both Brady and Matt were on their A-game and giving it their all with each shift. It was hard trying to cheer for both teams, knowing that while one would score, that meant that the other was just one goal behind.

Ethan was a big ball of energy throughout the game, sitting on the edge of his seat throughout the entirety of the game and jumping up whenever he thought something was happening or when something did happen. He was locked in with each puck drop, whenever he at least wasn’t munching on food.

Caroline had been nervous when she initially found out that they weren’t sitting in the box. At least in the box, they were safe from judging eyes or the gossip from going on around them. Caroline still wasn’t sure just how sensitive people were about what had been revealed in that article. In her mind, anyone in this arena or even around them in the close vicinity could’ve been someone who made one of the mean comments on social media. But it was Keith who had gone with her when Ethan wanted chicken fingers and told her not to worry about it. Because since she had missed warmups, she had also missed the way people interacted with Ethan and Keith when they were down at the glass for warmups– friendly smiles, kind conversations, and handshakes. She had also learned that when Keith brought Ethan to the arena earlier than the rest of their party, Matt had introduced Ethan to Adam Pruitt, who was the eight-year-old son of one of the defensemen they had received from the Florida Panthers during the trade deadline, Brandon Pruitt, and apparently, the two had hit it off to the point where they were planning on asking both Dad’s if they could visit each other in both Florida and Missouri.

And it was exactly that, that Ethan had talked about during the intermissions, trying to convince Caroline that she had to meet Adam and his Mom– Elizabeth Pruitt– so that he could visit Adam in Florida. He had caught a glimpse of the manilla folder that Caroline was holding in her lap for the majority of the game, and of course, he asked what it was and if that’s why she was late. She told him that he had to keep his chicken fingers and fries residue covered fingers in his lap while she showed him the contents of the envelope, Ethan almost reaching out to grab at the paperwork to make sure it was real until he stopped, a sheepish smile on his face to say sorry. And when Caroline had told him that she was going to show Matt the new paperwork after the game, depending on how it all went down tonight– he was even more ecstatic.

By the time that the third period had come around, the game was tied 3-3, the Flames losing a two-goal lead in the second period after Brady drew a hooking penalty against Matt, and then on a deflected goal off of Brandon. It was tense and Caroline could barely sit still in her seat as they all watched the gameplay out. The stakes were high for both teams– one was trying to push game seven and the other was trying to end it all here to win a Conference Championship and send themselves to the Stanley Cup Finals.

She wanted it for Matt and Brady both, so bad. She witnessed firsthand the hard work that they put into hockey for most of their entire lives. The late hours at the rink, the two, sometimes three-a-day workouts, sharpening up their skills, making sure they were fueling their bodies with the right foods and nutrients. She saw them leave home at 15-years-old in order to better themselves by playing with some of the best young players around the country and then go and play off internationally against other countries' best players. And it all led up to this– to playing for the chance to play for and hopefully win the Stanley Cup.

But one of them would be losing and not getting that chance this season and while she loved Brady...she was really hoping that that person wasn’t Matt.

As the last two minutes of the third period played out, everyone in the arena was on their feet– a mix of Calgary and Blues fans– with the Blues having shown speed and dominance over the puck and the Flames throughout the bottom half of the period. Caroline kept her eyes glued to the ice as O’Reilly headed towards Markstrom with the puck– only for it to be hit away by Johnny and sent into the corner of the board where a swarm of Flames and Blues players filed in to regain control.

Until Brandon stood strong and got the puck passing it out of the corner and hitting Matt just behind him.

The cheers were deafening all around them as Caroline clasped her hands together in front of her, resting them beneath her chin as her heart thumped against her chest. Her focus switched from the short remaining seconds on the clock to the race down for the Blues goal at the end, where Binnington was in his crease, anticipating the shot. She saw Brady’s 7 skating up fast to catch up with Matt’s 19 as he neared the crease, Blues’ Parayko and Krug both trying to take the puck or Matt’s shot away.

Like all the times before when they were younger and playing mini-sticks in the basement, Matt deked and to avoid the stick of Brady, dove out as he shot the puck before he kept sliding towards the boards.

And then...the goal horn.

It was a flash of white and red skating down the ice and jumping out of their bench, heading towards the boards behind the Blue’s goal with their arms in the air in celebration as Matt was swallowed up by the group of teammates. Blues fans around the arena were clearly upset about the loss and yet the cheers were still loud enough for Caroline not to be able to hear her own thoughts– because while their beloved team wasn’t playing for a Stanley Cup, there was a hometown boy on the opposing team who was.

Caroline felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist and she looked down to see Ethan pressing his face into her jersey and she could tell by the way he was breathing that he was crying. As he reached up to wipe his face with the sleeve of his jersey, Caroline cupped his face and tilted his head up, kissing his forehead before wiping his cheeks and hugging him.

“I know, E,” she said, looking out towards the ice with her own tears building in her eyes as she spotted the familiar 19, skating towards the bench, still receiving back pats and helmet taps from teammates. “I know.”

Everything was a blur once the Blues left the ice and they started to set up for the Flames to receive the Clarence S. Campbell bowl from Gary Bettman. Their group all moved as a tight-knit one so they could get down to the ice to go out and take pictures, in the craziness of it all as they were led out onto the ice, Caroline got to meet both Adam and his mom in a passing moment. Once Matt shook Bettman’s hand and invited the rest of the team over to pose behind the trophy, it suddenly became real.

This, being on the ice after big wins with the other wives, girlfriends, and families, seeing Matt win big games with his team and experience Ethan watching and admiring his Dad’s career like Matt had done his own– this could be her life.

And in a matter of minutes, she was set to find out whether or not it could or ever would be.

When the players broke away to find their families, she let everyone go ahead of her, choosing to give herself as much time to prepare for whatever news he had regarding his decision. She watched as he hugged his parents and Taryn, her parents and Andrew and when he finally got to Ethan– she gripped onto her manilla envelope tighter, the butterflies in her chest growing rapidly as he picked him up and hugged him tight– the two of them sharing matching smiles.

Before he could even find her as he put Ethan down, he was tapped on the shoulder and lead in the direction of a reporter from ESPN. Her nerves started to take over as she tried not to roll the manilla envelope in her hands, watching the players interact with their families around her before moving her gaze over to Matt who was giving his interview. Even though she’s been around him the last few months, she couldn’t help but realize, once again, just how mature he was. The way he held himself and spoke to the reporter like he was mirroring the ways Keith had done it all those years ago.

Matt nodded at something the reporter said before shaking his hand and turning around, looking down at his skates before looking up again and immediately making eye contact with her, causing her heart to thud heavily against her chest. He stared at her, his mouth dropping just slightly before he started nudging his way through people on the ice and towards her, Caroline shuffling her feet on the ice to meet him halfway. Her feet just started to slip beneath her, almost causing her to slip back just as Matt reached her.

“Falling for me already, hm?” He laughed, holding onto her arms to keep her steady. “If I would’ve known that scoring a dramatic, game-winning buzzer goal was the way to get you to fall for me, I would’ve done it months ago.”

She rolled her eyes, trying to distract from her blushing cheeks. “Well, what would’ve been more impressive is if you didn’t let Brady get you with that penalty. Then maybe that dramatic goal wouldn’t have been necessary.”

This time, Matt rolled his eyes, letting go of her elbows. “And yet you’re wearing who’s jers–.” He paused and looked at her jersey, a smile on his face. “Ahhh, so you broke it out of the confines of your closet, hm?”

“Mhhm and I was barely here for five minutes before Ethan tried to convince me to buy something from the merch stands so he could wear it.” She laughed, looking down at the jersey. “Plus, I had a feeling it’d be much better to wear than a Calgary one.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhhm, but moving on to what’s important...here,” she nodded, holding up the manilla envelope. “This is why I missed that lunch your parents set up and then breakfast this morning.”

Matt took it, opening the envelope and looking inside before he reached in and grabbed the new birth certificate, tilting the envelope so the social security card would come out. “Whoa,” he spoke softly, barely a whisper as she watched his eyes read over both documents, and just like Ethan did, he started to shift his mouth from side to side as he bit down on the inside of his cheek. “Is this…?”

“He’s always been yours, he always will be yours, nobody will ever change that,” she nodded, feeling herself start to get emotional as he started to put the documents back into the envelope. “And I’m sorry it took so long, but it’s real now. Your his Dad and he’s your son and it’s all I’ve ever wanted for the both of you and I just hope you–”

Matt pulled her into him the rest of the way with his right arm wrapped around her waist and with the envelope tucked beneath his left arm, he reached up and cradled her face, kissing her. Caroline could feel every bit of emotion that he was and because of that, she allowed herself to relax against him, reaching up and wrapping her arms around his neck.

When they pulled away, she brought her right hand up to his face, brushing her thumb across his stubble. “What was that for?”

“It was our deal, remember?” He smiled, shrugging. “What you wanted me to do to let you know that I chose to have a future with you? You wanted me to kiss you, so...here’s me telling you what I chose.”

“And you’re absolutely sure?” She asked, feeling the nerves take over as her voice quivered slightly and she kept brushing her thumb along his jaw.

“I’ve never been more sure, I was sure when we were standing right there in the airport. But knowing you, I know you wouldn’t accept any decision until I actually took the time you wanted me to. So I did and my choice has never changed, not even for a second.” He said, tucking hair behind her ear. “But if you want me to, I can always kiss you again to make sure that the message sinks in.”

Caroline nodded as the smile grew on her face. “Yes please.”

“Perfect.” Matt brought his right hand up to her face, cupping both sides as he kissed her again just as passionately as the first.

“Ew, can you guys not?” Ethan whined, causing the two of them to pull apart and look down beside them. “At least not in front of everyone it’s embarrassing.”

“Says the kid who literally asks every other day whether or not we’re getting married,” Matt replied, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Ethan replied, waving him off as he looked at Caroline with a big smile. “Did you tell him? Did you tell him?”

“I did,” she laughed, nodding at the envelope Matt had in his possession.

Ethan, still smiling, was hopping in place in excitement as he looked back at Matt. “I’m a Tkachuk, Dad!”

Matt laughed and bent down to pick Ethan up, hugging him before getting him propped up on his hip while he draped his right arm over Caroline, looking at her with a smile before looking back at Ethan, their matching dimples and smiles on display as they looked at each other with adoration in their eyes.

“You always were, bud.”

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[fruitcoops]

hi <3 i hope you’re well and having a beautiful day so far. i was wondering if you could write a fic about sirius or logan’s brother like relationship to adele - for example, how they would approach her when she’s having a bad day or when she needs advice about something or maybe even after a disagreement with her parents. no worries if you can’t, i just thought it would be a wholesome interaction 💕

Oh, for sure! Katie and Logan get so much attention (for good reason--they're adorable), but I like to think of Sirius and Adele as the blueprint. Hope you enjoy! Combined with asks for Logan and Loops friendship, Papa Dumo (for @ jinxedjaz), Sirius coming back from visiting his parents while living with the Dumais, and Sirius-learning-to-people from this hc list. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove!

I

A little hand tugged on the hem of Dumo’s sweater. “Papa?”

He glanced up from his crossword and smiled, turning to lift Adele into his lap. “Bonjour, mon papillon. Do you want to help me?”

“Is Sirius okay?”

Dumo paused. His first instinct was to lie—how could he even begin to explain the complexity of the situation to a seven-year-old?—but the brightness in Adele’s big eyes told him she already knew the answer. She was a smart kid. She deserved to know at least some of the truth. “He’s having a tough day,” Dumo said quietly as dishes clinked in the other room. No matter what he and Celeste tried, Sirius insisted on washing up. “He’ll be alright.”

A little furrow appeared between Adele’s eyebrows. “Is it because of us? Because he misses his family now?”

“No, sweetheart, not at all. He just…” The words were impossible to find. “He just doesn’t like holidays very much.”

She worried her lower lip for a moment before wiggling free of his arms. “I’m going to make him feel better.”

“Adele—” Dumo made a grab for her, but she had already scampered out of reach and around the corner to the kitchen. In the three days since Sirius had come back from Thanksgiving, he had already reverted back to his shut-down ghost of a self.

“Excuse me, please,” Adele announced. The sink shut off. “Are you sad?”

That’s certainly one way to do it. Dumo craned his neck to watch their reflections in the glass of the back door without revealing his position. Sirius was always more comfortable around the kids than himself and Celeste. “Quoi?” Sirius asked, turning to face her.

“Are you sad? You’ve been frowny.”

Silence fell for a few seconds. “Ouais, a little,” he said at last. “But I’m not sad because of you.”

“That’s good. Papa said so, too. He says you don’t like holidays, but that’s so silly, because we were just talking about Christmas last week.”

“I like some holidays,” Sirius said haltingly. There was a rustling noise; Dumo saw him pick Adele up and settle her on his hip with a thoughtful tilt to his head. “I’m very excited to spend Christmas with you.”

“Pinky swear?”

“Pinky swear.”

“Good. I want you to spend all the holidays with us. Will you be frowny on Christmas, too?”

“I don’t think so.” Dumo could practically hear Sirius’ smile. “See? I’m already better.”

“Will you open presents with me? Marc and Louis always open theirs together, and Mama and Papa, but Katie’s too little to do it with me. I like playing Santa, but it means I hafta go last.”

In the glass, Dumo saw Sirius press a raspberry kiss to her cheek until she burst into giggles; his grin lit up the whole kitchen. “Of course I will.”

II

“You have to smile,” Adele groaned. “You’re scaring off all my customers.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Pardon?”

She turned a big, sunshine grin on him, pressing her fingers into her dimples to exaggerate it. “Big smiles! You like being here! These are the best cookies you’ve ever had! Everyone should try them!”

“They should!” Sirius agreed. “I don’t know why you’re upset!”

She heaved a sigh and clonked her forehead on his stomach, knocking some of the air out of his lungs. “You look scary when you don’t smile.”

“I do not.”

“You do! You’re built like a brick wall and when you’re thinking, you get frowny!” She adjusted her Girl Scout vest and straightened up. “You have to be perky and fun and the cutest little kid on the block.”

“…I might have a problem with the last part.”

“Then I’ll be the cutest little kid on the block,” she said, exasperated.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her. “Do you think I’m scary?”

“No,” she snorted. “But other people do.”

“No way.”

“Yes, way. Mama looks surprised when her face relaxes, but you’re, like, looming.”

“So…you’re upset with how my face looks?” he teased, dodging her attempt to poke his ribs.

“No, I just don’t need a bodyguard to sell cookies!”

“That’s literally what I’m here for,” he laughed, tugging one of her pigtails until she stuck her tongue out at him. “Alright, madame, I’ll try to be ‘perky’ and ‘fun’.”

“The air quotes weren’t necessary,” she informed him with great gravity, though she couldn’t hide the smile on her face as she turned back to the people walking across the street. “Hey, lady, do you want cookies?”

III

“So,” Logan began, then shoved another handful of pretzel sticks into his mouth. “Dating the captain. What’s that like?”

Sirius looked up from his phone and glared. “I am sitting right next to you.”

“Shush. Loops?”

Remus sighed and let his head fall toward Logan’s armchair; he was starting to get lightheaded from laying upside-down for so long, but it was doing wonders for his lower back and sore feet. “Dating the captain? Pretty cool, to be honest.”

Logan made a noise of disagreement. “I don’t believe that for a second. Does he make you run drills in the basement, or is it just a cuddle party all the time? ‘cause there’s no in-between.”

“Tabarnak,” Sirius muttered, flicking Logan’s ear as he headed out of the room. “You two gossip like middle-schoolers.”

“It’s really not bad,” Remus mused as he stretched one leg toward the curtains. “I’m the one who likes running drills, so he’ll usually watch tape while I do that for a bit. Cuddles aren’t as frequent as you might think. We’re boring.”

“Mmm, with some wild nights in there, eh?” Logan wiggled his eyebrows and Remus chucked a pillow at him, though it did not seem to deter him. “I seem to remember hearing a certain conversation about a new bedframe?”

“A headboard,” Remus corrected, pulling a face at him. “And it was already almost ten years old. You’re just jealous.”

“Ugh, for him? Nah. Peanut might have carried a torch—”

“You’re kidding. Did he really?”

“Oh, yeah,” Logan snorted, as if it was obvious. “But he has better taste now. Honestly, though, I’m glad you two are together. And that you’re happy in your boring domesticity, even if you’re breaking beds left and right.”

“Headboard, and it was one time.”

“Did I ever tell you about—”

The front door slammed open; both of them jumped as something heavy hit the ground with a thud. “Sweetheart?” Celeste asked from the living room, audibly concerned. Remus’ heart dropped and he shared a worried look with Logan, who was already on his feet. “Adele, what’s wrong?”

“Adele?” Logan called, his voice laced with worry. Remus’ heartbeat picked up as Adele appeared in the doorway to the living room with tears streaming down her cheeks, only to throw herself into Logan’s arms with a harsh sob. “Woah, hey, qu’est—”

“Boys are so stupid!” she half-shouted, half-wailed. “And I hate them!”

Remus stood there, useless, as she tore away and sprinted for the backyard, yanking the door shut with a bang before tearing across the grass. “Logan?” he asked after a moment. There was no protocol for this. He had absolutely zero experience with preteen breakdowns, and the Dumais kids always fell into Logan and Sirius’ territory. He could count on one hand the number of actual conversations he had had with Adele.

Logan’s nose twitched; he opened his mouth to speak, but the words died in his throat when Sirius came through the doorway and made a beeline for the yard without a single glance to either of them. “She’ll be okay,” Logan murmured as Sirius walked slowly to the swings, where Adele was sitting on the bench seat with her arms wrapped tight around herself.

“She seems pretty upset.”

Logan shook his head, not taking his eyes off the pair. “I’ve got Katie, he’s got Adele.”

“Yeah?” Remus asked, surprised. Logan and Katie were famous for their bond, two peas in a pod. As far as he knew, Sirius was equally close with all the Dumais kids.

“Apparently, they bonded from day one,” Logan said with the flicker of a smile. Outside, Adele laid her head on Sirius’ shoulder and pulled his arm around her back, burrowing into the softness of his hoodie as he gently rocked the swing with his foot and gave her a light squeeze. “They’re both quieter. Oldest children and all that. You really didn’t know?”

“I…” Remus trailed off and shook his head. “You and Katie are much louder about it, but that makes sense. He talks about all of you all the time., I guess I just assumed it was different since he was so closed off at first.”

Logan hummed. “Ask about it sometime. Dumo always likes talking about them.”

Sirius and Adele walked back after a few more minutes, still attached at the hip as Sirius jostled her lightly and pulled half a smile from her; they entered the house in relative quiet and Adele wrapped her arms around him one more time. “Love you,” she said, voice muffled in his sweater. Sirius rubbed her back in slow circles until she pulled away and padded down the hall to the bathroom

“Children are so mean,” he said as soon as the door closed.

“Then I’m glad she has you.” Remus curled his hand around Sirius’ shoulder and felt him relax beneath his touch. “Is she alright?”

“Some little asshole told her nobody would want to date her because she plays hockey.”

Remus’ heart panged. “How can we help?”

“Teach her how to throw a right hook,” Logan suggested. In a rare turn of events, Remus couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not; from the look on his face, it seemed to be the latter.

“She’ll be okay, baby,” Remus said. Sirius didn’t look away from the closed door. “Kids have always been mean, but the best thing you can do is be there for her, which you just did. It’s hard and it sucks but as long as she knows you love her, that’s enough.”

“Does she?” Sirius asked, almost too quiet for him to hear.

Remus looped an arm around his waist and kissed the top of his shoulder. “She does,” he promised. Without a doubt.

IV

Sirius drummed his hands on the steering wheel with a wide smile. “I’m so excited,” he said for the fourth time in twenty minutes.

“I can tell,” Remus said, still reading through his missed messages. The cell service in customs had been abysmal, and for some godforsaken reason his dad desperately needed to send paragraph updates on his hunt for the perfect holiday lights. Some days, Remus wondered whether he was happiest with his family or in Home Depot.

“I missed them.”

“Yep.”

“And I can’t let Logan get there first.”

“Sure thing, honey. Speed limit.”

“Three weeks is a long time, did you know that?”

“Mhmm. Sirius, speed limit.”

“How do you manage being away from Jules for that long?”

“Very poorly,” Remus said as he typed out a quick response to his dad’s latest text. His mother would end him if he allowed their house to be decorated with anything green—in all honesty, he was starting to think she had a personal rivalry with the Snakes. They turned onto Dumo’s street and he felt the excitement radiating off Sirius kick up several notches. “Deep breaths, love.”

“Ah, fuck me, the cubs are right behind us,” he muttered, pulling over to the curb and unbuckling his seatbelt.

“Sirius!” Remus spluttered.

“What?”

“Turn the fucking car off before you get out!”

Sirius heaved a sigh and pulled the key out, then took off toward the house at a jog; Logan went sprinting past the passenger window half a second later, and Remus heard Finn shouting after him from the still-running car to no avail. They reached the front steps at the exact same time, shouldering each other in an attempt to reach the doorbell first.

“—want to push it!” Logan insisted, kicking Sirius lightly on the shin as Remus headed up the walkway.

“You did it last time!” Sirius argued.

“I’m the youngest, so I get to do it!”

“That’s not how it works!”

The door swung open just as Logan tried to bodily shove Sirius out of the way, only to be put in a scrambling headlock. Dumo regarded them with an exhausted look on his face. “Bonjour, Loops.”

“Hey, Dumo,” Remus called from the base of the steps. “Nice night, eh?”

He shrugged, ignoring the two grown men roughhousing on his welcome mat. “Not bad.”

“Are les enfants here?” Logan panted, trying to heave Sirius into the nearest hedge.

Dumo rolled his eyes and opened the door the rest of the way. “Kids, we have visitors!”

Thundering footsteps echoed off the walls; Logan and Sirius tripped over each other in their haste to get inside. “Tremzy!” Katie shrieked, launching herself into his arms with a beaming smile.

Sirius hoisted Adele straight off her feet and shook her back and forth as she wrapped her arms around his neck in a tight hug. “You were gone forever!” she laughed. “We missed you!”

“What am I, chopped liver?” Logan teased as he set Katie down and opened his arms for a hug of his own. Marc and Louis slammed into him, nearly toppling him in the entryway.

“No, no, no!” Katie giggled as Sirius blew a raspberry kiss on her stomach, only to mimic it on his cheek a moment later. “You’re all scratchy.”

“Tough for kisses,” Remus agreed. “You should tell him to shave, Katie-bird.”

Katie squished his cheeks in her hands with a solemn frown. “No more porcupines.”

“You got it,” Sirius confirmed. “What do you think, Adele?”

She pulled a face and they all dissolved into laughter, exhausted from the long roadie and unable to contain their happiness. It was a tradition Remus was coming to know as he spent more time with the team—Logan and Sirius just couldn’t resist swinging by the Dumais house after a long trip, no matter how drained and battered they were. It was a combination of a competition and a family reunion, and the kids loved it every time.

“Are you staying the night?” Marc asked, lazily tying Sirius’ shoelaces together.

“Not tonight, no.”

“But it would be fun,” Louis said from his place hoisted under Logan’s arm, legs dangling.

“They’re tired, boys, be nice.” Celeste winked at Sirius as he leaned down so she could kiss his cheek before moving to Logan to do the same. “We watched all your games. You were wonderful.”

“Merci, Celeste.” The corners of Logan’s eyes crinkled, and Remus saw Finn and Leo share a smile behind him.

Sirius craned his neck to look back. “Oh, she wasn’t talking to you.”

Logan stuck his tongue out as the kids laughed, still clinging to them both. Remus happily accepted a quick hug and a hair-ruffle from Celeste before she moved on to Finn and Leo, and settled in for a cozy evening at home.

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: I loved your fantastic account of the battle of Waterloo and how each nation came to define the rest of the century for all the European countries in different ways. However what are your thoughts about the battle itself? Did Wellington win it or did Napoleon lose it? What were the turning points that you think determined the fate of the battle?

Thank you for reading and liking my previous post on Waterloo. I did heavily lean into studying ancient classical warfare when I was studying Classics but I only got into Napoleonic warfare because of a father who was (and still remains) big Napoleonic warfare military enthusiast. Through his keen eyes as a former serving military man, I also looked at the battle as a soldier might as well putting on my academic critical thinking cap. It’s a popular parlour game not just in Sandhurst but also in the officers’ mess (where those regiments actually fought at Waterloo) and around dinner tables - in my experience anyway.

I’ve always seen such speculative and counterfactual questions as an amusing diversion. I’ve never seriously looked at the detail until I came to France and unexpectedly interacted with Napoleonic scholars as well as soldiers (the cultured and historically well read ones at least) that forced me to think more about it. I’ve always been of the ‘if the Prussians hadn’t arrived in time to save Wellington’ school; and this was always enough to get me by in any conversation.

But my vanity was stung by interacting with one of my downstairs neighbours, a high decorated retired army general, with whom I played a weekly game of chess over a glass of wine during the Covid lockdown in Paris. He didn’t spare me as he knew so much detail about the battle. But a typical failing of French thinking is to pontificate around generalities rather than specific reasons. So for him it came down to pooh-poohing the generalship of Wellington (the rain saved him) and lauding the emperor (he had haemorrhoids and thus a bad day at the office). So rain and haemorrhoids were the decisive factors in determining the outcome of the battle of Waterloo.

It was clear I had to raise my game. So I’ve been reading more when I could.

I had recently finished reading a wonderful book ‘The Longest Afternoon: The 400 Men Who Decided the Battle of Waterloo’ by the Cambridge historian Brendan Simms. The book came out in 2015 but it’s been lying on my shelf for these past few years until I actually took this slim book to read on my one of my business trips.  

The idea behind this short book is so superbly useful. It places to one side the huge, cinematic panorama of history and instead concentrates on one particular farmhouse, on one particular day: 18 June 1815. History is vivified, lifts itself off the page and into the mind, when a historian of Brendan Simm’s immense stature zooms in on the details - and here the details are compelling.

For the course of one day, 400 soldiers, wet, cold, in some cases hungover, who had bivouacked for the night in an abandoned farmhouse at La Haye Sainte, near a crucially strategic crossroads, found themselves staring down the massed barrels of Napoleon’s vanguard – and held them off.  On June 18, 1815, Wellington established his position and sent one battalion and part of a second to the farmhouse under the command of Major Baring. Napoléon’s initial attack was a direct assault that surrounded the house and came near to breaking Wellington’s line; but it held, and the legendary charge of two British heavy cavalry brigades drove back the French.

This is a detailed account of the defence of La Haye Sainte, a walled stone farmhouse forward of Wellington’s centre. Its defenders were the King’s German Legion, which (despite the British army’s penchant for oddball names) was genuinely German. Britain harboured many German expatriates who detested Napoléon, a number augmented in 1803 when he occupied Hanover and disbanded its army. That very year two ambitious officers recruited the first members of the King’s German Legion, which grew into a corps of some 14,000 men and served with distinction at Copenhagen, Walcheren and in Spain before its apotheosis at Waterloo.

Ordered to capture the farmhouse, Marshal Michel Ney - commanding Napoléon’s left wing - obeyed but became preoccupied with his famously unsuccessful cavalry attack. Reminded of the order two hours later, he dispatched infantry that reached the house and set it on fire. The men inside controlled the blaze and continued to fight until Ney took personal charge of a furious assault that succeeded only when the defenders ran out of ammunition and withdrew, having held out for six hours. Had they not defended it so stoutly and if the farm had fallen any sooner then Napoleon would have been able to get at Wellington’s troops before his Prussian reinforcements arrived, and in all likelihood Waterloo would have been a French victory instead; it would now be the name of a train station in Paris rather than London.

I doubt there is a definitive answer to this question which is why certain people love arguing about it because it’s so open ended in terms of cause and effect. You can pick on any episodic event and hail that as the decisive turning point. It’s one reason why we are so fortunate to have so many well researched history books on the battle of Waterloo to replenish the issues for a newer generation to argue with past generations.

If I were to go beyond the ‘if the Prussians hadn’t arrived to save Wellington’ line then I would point to ten decisive turning points which in themselves might not have changed the outcome but taken together certainly influenced the final outcome of one of the most important and iconic battles in history.

Napoleon gives Marshal Davout a desk job

6 June 1815 – All commanders need a good chief of staff to ensure that their intentions are translated into clear orders. Unfortunately for Napoleon – as what is arguably one of the most decisive battles in European history loomed – his trusted chief of staff, Marshal Berthier, was no longer available. Berthier had sworn an oath of loyalty to Louis XVIII – and then fallen to his death from a window – so the job was given to Marshal Soult.

Soult was an experienced field commander but he was certainly no Berthier. Napoleon’s two main field commanders were also far from ideal. Emmanuel Grouchy had little experience of independent command. Michel Ney’s heroic command of the French rear-guard during the retreat from Moscow led Napoleon to dub him “the bravest of the brave”, but by 1815 he was clearly burnt out.

Worse still, when on 6 June Napoleon ordered his generals to assemble with their troops on the Belgian border he chose to leave behind Louis-Nicolas Davout, his ‘Iron Marshal’, as minister of war. The emperor needed someone loyal to oversee affairs at home but the decision not to take with him the ablest general at his disposal would deprive him of the one commander who might have made a difference.

Constant Rebecque ignores orders

15 June – In June 1815 Napoleon assembled 120,000 men on the Belgian border. Opposing him were 115,000 Prussians under  Field Marshal Blücher and an allied force of about 93,000 men under Wellington. Faced with such odds, Napoleon’s best chance of victory was to get his army between his two enemies and defeat one before turning on the other. On 15 June his army crossed the frontier at Charleroi and headed straight for the gap between the two allied armies.

Wellington was taken completely by surprise: “Napoleon has humbugged me” he said. Uncertain what Napoleon’s intentions were, he ordered his army to concentrate around Nivelles, over 12 miles away from the Prussian position at Ligny. This would have left the two allied armies dangerously separated but fortunately for Wellington, a staff officer in the Dutch army, Baron Constant Rebecque, understood what was actually needed. He disregarded Wellington’s order and instead sent a force to occupy the key crossroads of Quatre Bras, much nearer to the Prussians.

D’Erlon misses the show

16 June – Two battles were fought on 16 June. While Marshal Ney took on Wellington’s army as it hurriedly tried to concentrate around Quatre Bras, Napoleon led the main French force against the Prussians at Ligny. Blücher’s inexperienced Prussians were given a severe mauling but despite this they managed to fall back in relatively good order.

This was partly due to a disastrous mix-up on the part of the French. Confusion over orders saw General D’Erlon’s corps instructed to leave Ney’s army at Quatre Bras and join the fighting at Ligny only to be recalled as soon as they got there. The result was that 16,000 Frenchmen who could have intervened decisively actually took part in neither battle.

Blücher stays in touch

17 June – Wellington succeeded in beating back Ney at Quatre Bras but Blücher’s defeat left the British general with a large French army on his eastern flank. He was forced to fall back northwards towards Brussels. The Prussians were retreating as well. Normally a retreating army tries to withdraw along its lines of communication (ie the route back to its base). Had the Prussians done this they would have headed eastwards. The two allied armies would then have been even further apart and Wellington would have been overwhelmed. But instead of doing that, the Prussians retreated northwards towards Wavre. It was to be a crucial move. The two allied armies stayed in contact and on 17 June Wellington was able to fall back to the ridge at Mont St Jean, and prepare to make a stand there until Blücher’s Prussians could come to his aid.

The weather takes a hand

17 June – The night before the battle was marked by a thunderstorm of biblical proportions. Rain lashed down, turning roads into quagmires and trampled fields into seas of mud.

It was a night of tremendous rain and cloudbursts. Wellington said that even in the monsoons in India, he’d never known rain like it. To wake up cold and damp, wet and terrified, then you have this slaughter in a very small space. By evening there were over 200,000 men struggling to kill each other within four square miles.

Private Wheeler of the 51st Regiment later wrote: “The ground was too wet to lie down… the water ran in streams from the cuffs of our Jackets… We had one consolation, we knew that the enemy were in the same plight.” Wheeler was right of course – the rain would inconvenience all three armies, not least the Prussians as they struggled along narrow country lanes to link up with Wellington.

It’s often said that Napoleon delayed starting the battle in order to allow the ground to dry out but the chief cause of the delay was probably the need to allow his units, many of whom had bivouacked some distance away, to take up their allotted places. Napoleon enjoyed a considerable advantage in artillery at Waterloo but this was lessened by the fact that the mud made it difficult to move his guns around and that cannonballs, normally designed to bounce along until they hit something, or someone, often disappeared harmlessly into the soggy ground. Macdonnell closes the gates

11:30am, 18 June – On 18 June the two armies prepared to do battle. Most of Wellington’s troops were sheltered from enemy fire on the reverse slope of the Mont St Jean ridge. The position was protected by three important outposts: a group of farms to the left, the farm of La Haye Sainte in front and the farmhouse of Hougoumont to the right.

At about 11.30am the French launched their first attack – an assault on Hougoumont. This soon developed into a battle within a battle as the French threw in ever more men in a bid to capture the vital chateau. They nearly succeeded: led by a giant officer nicknamed ‘the Smasher’, a group of French soldiers worked their way round to the rear of the chateau, forced open its north gate and burst inside.

James Macdonnell, the garrison commander, acted quickly. He gathered a group of men and they heaved the gate shut again. The French inside the chateau were then hunted down and killed. Only a young drummer boy was spared. Hougoumont was to remain in allied hands all day and Wellington later commented that the entire result of the battle depended on the closing of those gates.

Ney loses his head after his cavalry founders

1.30pm – The infantry of D’Erlon’s corps finally saw action as they attacked the left wing of Wellington’s army. As they reached the crest of the ridge they were met by the infantry of Sir Thomas Picton’s division. Picton, a foul-mouthed Welshman who rode into battle in a civilian coat and round-brimmed hat, was shot dead but his men stopped the French, who were then driven back by Wellington’s cavalry.

The next major French attack was very different. Ney unleashed his cavalry in a mass frontal attack, and thousands of Napoleon’s famous cuirassiers – big men in steel breastplates riding big horses – thundered up the hill. But Wellington’s infantry stayed calm. Forming squares, they presented in all directions a hedge of bayonets that no horse could be made to charge.

Ney needed to call the cavalry off or support them with infantry but he lost his head and threw more horsemen into the fray. When he abandoned these fruitless attacks, Wellington’s line was still unbroken, two hours had been wasted, and the Prussians were arriving in force.

The Prussians arrive

4.30pm – Blücher had promised to come to Wellington’s aid, and kept his word. Napoleon had detached nearly a third of his army under Grouchy to prevent the Prussians joining up with Wellington but Grouchy failed to do this and, by mid-afternoon, the first Prussian units were in action on the battlefield.

At about 4.30pm they launched their first attack upon the key village of Plancenoit near the rear of Napoleon’s main position. This savage battle would rage for over three hours. Faced with this, Napoleon was forced to send many of his remaining reserves to shore up his position – leaving him with precious few troops to exploit any success his troops might enjoy against Wellington.

Napoleon says no, and von Zeithen turns back

6.30pm – At about 6.30pm the French captured La Haye Sainte. Posting artillery and skirmishers around the farm, they unleashed a storm of shot, shell and musketry into Wellington’s exposed centre. The regiments there suffered horrendous casualties, but Wellington’s line held – just.

Ney asked for reinforcements to press home his advantage but Napoleon refused. Instead he sent troops to recapture Plancenoit which had just fallen to the Prussians. Von Zeiten’s Prussian I Corps arrived on the scene. These much-needed reinforcements were set to join Wellington when a Prussian aide de camp rode up with an order from Blücher instructing them to head south and support his troops at Plancenoit. Von Zeiten obeyed. Realising that Von Zeiten’s troops were desperately needed on the ridge, Baron von Müffling, Wellington’s Prussian liaison officer, galloped after Von Zeiten and pleaded with him to ignore this new order and stick to the original plan. The Prussian general turned back and took his place on Wellington’s left, enabling the duke to shift troops over to reinforce his crumbling centre. The crisis had passed.

Napoleon’s last roll of the dice ends in panic

7.30pm – With Plancenoit back in French hands the stage was set for the final act in the drama. At about 7.30pm Napoleon unleashed his elite imperial guard in a last desperate bid for victory. But it was too late – they were hopelessly outnumbered and Wellington was ready for them. His own troops had been sheltering from the French fire by lying down but when the two large columns of French guardsmen reached the crest of the ridge Wellington ordered his own guards to stand up. One British guardsman describes the scene: “Whether it was (our) sudden appearance so near to them, or the tremendously heavy fire we threw into them but La Garde, who had never previously failed in an attack, suddenly stopped.”

Meanwhile Sir John Colborne of the 52nd Light Infantry wheeled his regiment round to attack the flank of the first French column while General Chasse ordered his Dutch and Belgian troops forward against the other. Soon both French columns had withered away under the deadly fire. Their defeat led to widespread panic in the French army: amid cries of “La Garde recule” (“the Guard is retreating”) it dissolved into a disorderly retreat mercilessly harried by the Prussians. “The nearest-run thing you ever saw in your life,” as Wellington described the battle, was over.

This isn’t an exhaustive list but it will do.

Waterloo was a watershed moment for Europe, and indeed the world. The end of the Napoleonic Wars heralded a peace in Europe which was not broken until the outbreak of World War One in 1914. In the century following the Battle of Waterloo an increased respect developed for the figure of the soldier. True the Battle became mythologised in the nineteenth century and is now embedded in our cultural memory as one of the great British success stories.

We still celebrate Waterloo because it was a great British victory - even if we had a little bit of help from the Prussians. It embodied the British bulldog spirit and marked the moment we finally overcame Napoleon and his empire after a decade of being at war.

The ramifications from Waterloo and the Napoleonic Wars are still felt today in contemporary European politics. I think because of this the battle continues to fascinate and to court intense discussion and disagreement.

No doubt my French neighbour the retired army general and I will continue to stubbornly argue our differing viewpoints until the wine bottle empties. But we both agree that we would enjoy having dinner with Napoleon and talk about his military campaigns. I admire Napoleon a little more having read more and for living in France. He’d be a very amusing and stimulating companion.

In many ways, he was also an enlightened and intelligent ruler. His Code Napoleon is an extremely enlightened law code. At the same time this is a man who had a very, very low threshold for boredom. I think he was addicted to war.

General Robert E. Lee, at Fredericksburg said, “It is well that war is so dreadful, otherwise we would grow too fond of it.”

Napoleon would never have agreed with that. War was his drug. There’s no evidence that Wellington enjoyed war. He said after Waterloo, and I believe him, “I pray to God that I have fought my last battle.” He spent much of the battle saying to the men, “If you survive, if you just stand there and repel the French, I’ll guarantee you a generation of peace.” He thought the point of war was peace. And he sure gave not just Britain but also an entire European continent some respite from the spilling of blood on a battlefield.

Thanks for your question.

[seeingteacupsindragons]

So I Heard People Wanted My Thoughts On Chapter 57

So here’s 1151 words on it that cover at least a little of what I think everyone wanted. No, it’s not under a read-more; what do you think I am, considerate?

The newest chapter of YuuMori was far from uneventful, but at the end of it, all I can think about is Louis (okay, and William, a bit, I’m worried about Liam). A lot of time was spent establishing the new normal for House Moriarty in light of William and Albert being removed from the game board, and oh.

Leadership looks good on Louis.

In a way it did not on either of his brothers.

Not that William (or Albert) were bad leaders, because they were not. They were entirely competent. But I don’t think either of them especially enjoyed it. Albert performed that role because he was expected to and it was his obligation as a member of the nobility, but he fell in line with whatever William or even Mycroft wanted him to do exceedingly easily and typically looked for William to give him orders or advice. He had absolutely no initiative whatsoever.

William was very, very good at the role, and William is a possessive mastermind with goals and a plan, who takes people’s loyalty with pleasure, but I still don’t think he actually wanted to be a cult leader. As soon as Sherlock showed up, all he wanted to do was run away from that entire mess because he found someone who could be his equal partner and he wouldn’t have to keep giving instructions and taking charge of everything. The entire thing was a burden he really did not handle well emotionally. William was a very good leader, but leadership was not good for him. And that’s kind of a sticking point.

Louis wears it so naturally.

See, the thing that’s becoming very apparent about Louis now is that he is far healthier and more stable and better equipped to handle the burdens and responsibility of leadership of a New World Order than William or Albert ever were. He is not going to shatter into pieces like William did. He is not so shapeless that he needs someone else to give him strength and direction like Albert did.

He is everything his brothers could not be.

But you know, Louis has on the surface absolutely no reason to be stable and secure and capable. The way you get stable, secure, capable adults is primarily by raising children with love and stability and security and trust in their abilities. Louis was raised a food-insecure orphan who lost his home, who nearly died of illness, who suffered abuse and child labor. That environment fractured William.

Louis is older now than William was (and I would kill to see a more direct comparison of what William would’ve been able to manage with another two years of some kind of maturity that Louis now has, but frankly I don’t think it matters to the narrative, so we won’t), and him being older is maybe part of it.

But I think mostly it’s that Louis had a William to give him love and stability and security and to trust in his abilities.

William turned himself into a lightning rod for abuse to ensure Louis had a figure he could always trust and rely on, so Louis could how to trust other people, so he could delegate and so he could learn to reach out and connect with others. William’s sort of shitty at all of those things.

But Louis listened to and relied on his older brother, trusted his older brother more than himself for a long time, although William certainly encouraged Louis to grow his own spine and confidence in himself and his abilities—William gave him that, too.

William gave more than ever should’ve given to Louis, since he was still protecting Louis even as fully grown adults, trying so hard to keep Louis safe. But when it became apparent that Louis was ready to take on more responsibility, more tasks, and took the initiative to demand he be given them, William conceded and trusted his brother and gave him more.

Moneypenny has this bit where she is musing about Louis that echoes Mycroft last chapter—Louis was always as capable of as William ever was, but he hid in William’s shadow so thoroughly, no one could see his potential. But it was always there, ready and waiting.

And, well.

William could see it. William always did. Louis was always who William intended to leave his world to. Louis was the seed he protected and preserved and nurtured so it could bloom after he razed the world down. Like those giant sequoia trees that need forest fires in order to reproduce and grow because their seeds don’t release otherwise. Like the humans that repopulate the world after the death of the gods in Ragnarok. Like a phoenix rising from William’s ashes (I’m sorry the phoenix thing really kills me on account of all the fire in this series and most especially how they were reborn in fire as Moriartys all the way back in chapter one).

(I could very seriously keep going on and on like this, but I will leave it there for now)

William grew up strong but inelastic and brittle as hell. Louis is tougher than that. He can handle the work required of him now. William served the purpose he intended and handed everything to his brother to inherit, everything his brother was always intended for.

And I hope he gets to see that, one day. But I’m intensely curious as to how that’s going to work out, and it depends a lot on what’s been going on with Liam for the last three years. Liam has spent his entire life destroying himself for others, but…

No one (with the possible exception of Moran, given the fact that Moran is Weird and didn’t quite match up with anyone else, and also plot reasons) needs Liam anymore.

Not that they wouldn’t let him have a role in their lives; they’re all quite fond of him. But they don’t even really know him because he would never let them. And they have Louis now to give them direction and purpose.

I don’t think Liam being needed was good for him. He gave and gave and gave when he was needed until there was nothing left for him. It would be dangerous for him to go back. But he also devoted his entire life to that dynamic and refused to allow anything else to grow. What would he even do there?

I don’t know. I have a lot of trouble imagining what would happen if he threw himself into that group again. Too much has changed, and it’s better for all of them. All three Moriarty brothers are in much healthier places with environments they need to grow and stretch into themselves and their potentials, now.

But Liam’s life is going to have to be something very different.

Besides.

He could never take away what makes Louis shine brightest.

[blacksunscorpio]

The Planets, Elevated

Sun

As the Most Elevated indicates a drive to express one’s creative essence and core ego values before the world. This individual will shine amongst their circle of peers. This person’s 15 minutes of fame can extend to a lifetime of fame in one area of life or another. The world is a stage they play on. They were put here on earth to display their creative gifts and talents. They tend to be leaders. Tend to be worshipped. Popular. If the elevated planet is conjunct the Midheaven, this is a strong indicator of celebrity. Martin Luther King had his Sun in Capricorn as the Zenith of his chart. Albert Einstein’s Sun was his most elevated as well.

Moon

As the Most Elevated is more inverted than the Sun. Whereas those born with the Sun highest in the chart can feel an urge toward leadership or expressing their egoic and creative impulses in a public way, those with the Moon highest are more often drawn to project their personality or their emotions into the spotlight. Many actors and musicians have this placement. Individuals with the Moon at the Zenith of their chart can become well-known for their nurturing talents. Their emotions. Their moods and the creativity surrounding them. Their temperament and what they create with them/ expressing their emotions to the public can gain them notoriety. The late John Lennon of Beatles fame had his Moon as his most elevated. Academy Award winner, Meryl Streep’s most elevated planet is the moon as well.

Mercury

As the Most Elevated indicates a native with an urge to project one’s ideas or verbal skills before the world. They will find many ways to get their voices out there or “broadcasted to the public”. The sign the Planet is in indicates how this will be done. This individual will be renowned for their linguistic, mental, and/or intellectual talents. Could become well known for their teaching abilities, writing abilities, communications abilities, or public relation abilities. Writer Sylvia Plath had Mercury in intense Scorpio as the highest planet in her chart.  

Venus

As the most elevated indicates a desire to project beauty and/or harmony in some way before the public. Widely desired/admired.  Marilyn Monroe was born with Venus as her highest planet, and she became virtually synonymous with mainstream ideals of beauty. They will be the Models, the creatives, The fashionistas, the person with a “nice girl or nice guy” persona.  This placement often leads to occupations directly or indirectly involved with aesthetics and design. Tom Hanks, widely considered as Hollywood’s nicest leading man [A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, anyone?] has Venus as his most elevated. Marilyn Monroe and David Bowie both did as well.

Mars

As the most elevated Indicates a drive to project energy and strength before the world. Muhammed Ali had Mars as his most elevated planet. Ruthless ambition. Renowned undefeated heavyweight champion in boxing. Martial arts ruled his life and where he received the most notoriety. Definitely a feisty placement as well as one that will make the native hard to ignore. This placement indicates a leader. The types to set shit off. The type to be the “boss” in whatever field of work they choose. Spearhead some sort of militant movement. The ‘Gangster” placement. Very often seen in the charts of those who take part in sports. Franklin D. Roosevelt had Mars as his most elevated planet and he was the driving for behind America’s decision to partake in WWII. Founding father of the Mafia Lucky Luciano also had Mars at the zenith of his chart.

Jupiter

As the most elevated Indicates there is confidence about matters of career or dealings with the public. As a result, this is one of the leading chart indicators of popularity and success, as well as general “good luck,”. Global awareness, travel, teaching, and philosophical/spiritual matters will be their forte. The “prophet” or “guru” aspect. Someone who’s calling in life may involve lots of travel or they can be a “citizen of the world”. Angelina Jolie has Jupiter at the highest point in her chart and not only was her film career a huge success, but she also became a bit of a 2nd Mother Teresa, traveling internationally to adopt children, and doing humanitarian work worldwide. There is also an interest in different spiritual teachings [i.e the Cambodian prayer tattoo on her left shoulder blade.]  This is one of the hardest-hitting horoscopic indicators of popularity and success, as well as general “fortune/luck” in life. Basketball heavyweight Michael Jordan has Jupiter at the Zenith of his chart as does Kim Kardashian. This is also an indicator of one who can become famous or well known for their ideas/thoughts on spirituality. If Jupiter is in Virgo, the native can become renowned for their writings on esoteric or spiritual matters.

Saturn

As the most elevated Like Jupiter, Saturn near the top of one’s chart can show considerable success and prominence in one’s life. But unlike Jupiter, this usually involves far more work and a few tough building blocks along the way. There’s a “late bloomer” quality to the lives of these natives. Many instances, they can experience great struggle in building their career and reputation — that constant ‘between a rock and a hard place”. Yet these people often live to see great rewards and prestige as a result of said hard work. The types to be in inevitable positions of authority in whatever they do but also the types to hold themselves to impossible standards. They must be the best. They will often become well known/ be in positions that involve structure. For example, Queen Elizabeth has this placement, I don’t know a life more structured than the life of a monarch. Spanish artist Picasso was born with Saturn in Taurus as his highest planet; he was subject to enormous criticism regarding his art early on, but eventually found prosperity and fame as a result of his discipline and productivity. Bill Clinton has Saturn at his Zenith and became the leader of the free world. Jazz musician Louis Armstrong rose from an intensely difficult childhood in Louisiana to become a pioneering artist admired by audiences all over the world.

Uranus

As the most elevated indicates a native who possesses a fiercely independent streak and a desire to pursue uniquely personal or unconventional life paths. The weirdo who becomes famous for being.. well, a weirdo. Needless to say, this generally makes it difficult for these people to adapt to rigid routines and structured environments, and in terms of career, they like to have/need as long a leash as possible. They think outside the box and as a result, can gain prestige for doing just that. The “fuck it I do what I want” aspect. This attitude may make them famous and even admired. Geniuses. Actor Steve McQueen had Uranus in Aries as his highest planet, and virtually became Hollywood’s poster boy for the ‘Rebel’ archetype. He also spent time in reform school as an adolescent. The late great Nipsey Hussle had Uranus at the Zenith of his chart and he lived his life in unapologetic opposition to the law being part of the Rolling 60′s Crip gang. You can see this rebel spirit in many of his songs that went platinum. Many Astronauts including Edgar Mitchell have this placement. Those with Uranus as their most elevated see “beyond”. This also indicates the maverick spirit of innovation. This placement is often connected to technology or the media [remember, Uranus has an ‘electric’ energy to it]. A prime example is Apple computer founder Steve Jobs who had Jupiter and Uranus in conjunction as his highest point.

Neptune

As the most elevated indicates a spirit of “reaching for the stars”. I see this planet most elevated in the charts of those renowned for their artistic talents. ESPECIALLY in music and the arts. Many actors have this placement, which is fitting considering Neptune is the planet of dreams/fantasy, and actors are paid to pretend to be someone else. Famous for the mask they wear. Powerful spiritual impulses. An inspiring individual. Can become famous/well known for their idealism or the spiritual messages they send out to the world. When well aspected or unafflicted it can indicate an individual who can become revered for their fantastical ideas. Walt Disney’s most elevated planet was Neptune and I feel many of us can agree that his classic works of fantasy shaped our childhoods. His billion-dollar empire still stands today decades after his death. Elevated Neptunian Bruce Lee not only brought martial arts to the attention of thousands but also expounded on its spiritual philosophy in writings and interviews. He even created Jeet Kune Do, a martial art deeply rooted in spirituality, wrote a book about it, too. 44th President Barack Obama has Neptune as his most elevated planet and his campaign slogan “hope” gave many just that during the 2008 election. An affliction to this most elevated planet can still make one very well known but not necessarily for the best reasons.  When afflicted it can be a dangerous placement and one can suffer or make others suffer from fanatical or delusional teachings. Cult leader Jim Jones had Neptune has his most elevated and his spiritual teachings resulted in the death of hundreds of naive and innocent people due to drugged [Neptune] kool-aid.

Pluto

As the most elevated indicates that an individual’s career or sense of “calling” will be involved with any or all 8th house dealings. Sexuality, death, transformation, secrets, the occult. Megan Fox has Pluto at the highest degree in her chart, though she is a Taurus, her MC is in Scorpio and conjunct her Pluto which is the most elevated. She comes off an undeniable Sex [Plutonic/8th house] symbol. Same for the late great musician Prince, who was very public about sexuality. Vladimir Putin, President of Russia has his Pluto closest to his MC and he was a KGB spy. This is definitely a placement of someone with considerable power. Not one to be underestimated. Capable of covert manipulation and may/can become famous for it. They may also become well known for dealing with dark matters. Jack Kerouac, who celebrated the bohemian “underworld” had his Pluto elevated. Mary Shelly, author of Frankenstein became renowned for a book that had to do with a monster made of dead bodies transformed through supernatural means. It is now one of the first books parents will read to their children on Halloween.

Honorable Mentions

There’s been an ongoing discourse about Asteroids/Hypothetical Points being considered “elevated.” It’s a topic of debate within the astrological community. However, if we are to entertain them, this is what they can mean:

Chiron

As the most elevated indicates a calling in life dealing with healing. Dealing with the pain of others and making things better for them. A teacher that is known for helping others find their way.

Lilith

As the most elevated indicates an individual feared and admired for their rebellious sexual spirit. The seductress/seducer. The individual can become loved or hated for their ability to put their wily charms on both men and women. Audrey Hepburn had Lilith at the zenith of her chart, quite close to Saturn near the MC.

Juno

As the most elevated planet may become famous for their marriages or whom they are married to.

Vesta

Famous for their devotion or well known for becoming homemakers.

Pallas

As the most elevated can indicate someone known for their wisdom. How they temper their instincts with discretion.

[moonyswriting]

Pride

Happy Pride Month everyone! Whether you queer or questioning, closeted or out, I am so proud of you, you are valid and perfect! Remember that you never have to come out if you don’t want to. You’re not lying to anyone if you don’t. You don’t owe them to come out. Only do it if you want to. Also remember that labels can stay forever or can change and both is perfectly normal. You're fantastic the way you are. <3

So, I managed to write a pride fic for the first day of pride month! yay me. I hope you like it :)

Thank you for the idea @moonofthenight

Characters by @lumosinlove

When Pascal came into their living room it had never looked more colourful, but it had also not looked this messy in a long time. There was tape on all four sides of the table, paper and little paper cut outs all over the floor and in the middle of everything, all his four children, looking like deer in the headlights.

“What happened?”, he asked slowly. There would be a reasonable explanation for all of this, he was sure. Celeste had probably helped and they would clean everything back up in no time, leaving no trace of a mess before the team came over for dinner tonight.

Adele shuffled over looking at the floor. “Um,” she stared before glazing back at her siblings, who nodded at her encouragingly. “So, we decided to make some things for the others. You know, since you’re having that Pride Party tonight? We thought we’d make little gifts for the team.”

Oh, Pascal’s heart was already a puddle. “You-”, he stared, but couldn’t continue. He had questioned a lot if he should have raised his children differently, more open to the rainbow or attractions and genders (or lack thereof) that was out there, but this made him feel like he and Celeste had at least done some things right.

Pascal only realised he hadn’t properly said anything yet when Katie rushed towards him, hugging his hip. “Please don’t be mad. I promise, we’ll clean it all up. Mama said she’d help us!”, the big eyes of his youngest daughter stared up at him, guilty, but hopeful.

“I’m not mad, mon chou.”, picking her up, he turned towards the other three, still standing in front of him. “Not at any of you. This is an incredible idea! The team will love them. Thank you so much, it’s really thoughtful.” Leaning down, he placed a kiss on each of his childrens’ foreheads, including Katie’s before setting her down to get back to the others. Celeste walked through the door the next moment, flowers of all colours in her hand.

“You found our little pride squad then?”she asked, walking past him and into the kitchen, probably to cut off the ends of the stems. “Don’t worry, I’ll help them clean up and we’ll be done before any of your teammates even leave their houses.”

His wife knew him too well. He hated when other people visited them and their house was messy. Of course there had been times where he couldn’t really keep it clean with four toddlers running around, but he still always tried and his family knew that and helped him. It wasn’t really that it bothered him that visitors could see that they were possibly not clean people, it was just the principle. He thought it should that they were prepared and anticipated someone’s visit. He never wanted them to think it was a bad time to visit because he would eventually excuse the mess. He always wanted everyone to feel welcome.

And that’s what tonight would be about. Making his team feel always welcomed and loved and accepted.

Celeste returned back to their dining room without the flowers, kissing Pacal’s cheek and then turning towards their children. “Did you show him what you made already?” they shook their heads but quickly climbed up onto chairs and sorted through the things they had made. “They’re all really cute, I already saw some of them.” Celeste whispered giddily into his ear, as excitement bloomed in his chest and they walked over to look at the crafts.

“Here!” Katie waved a piece of paper in the air and Pascal walked around the table to look at what she had made. SHe beamed up at him as she explained, “This is for Tremzy! And Harzy and Knutty! It’s a card and I drew Lo, Leo and Finn on the front, see!” The man took the card in his hands. There were three stick figures on it, the smallest with brown hair, the next one with bright red hair and the last, taller than the other with yellow hair. In the back there were blue, red and black dots. “Why did you use those colours, ma petite?” He did have an idea, but with the many coloured pens on the table it could have just been a coincidence.

He could see Katie look over to Adele and Marc, before her eyes met his again. “Del and Marc said that those are the colours when you have more than one love and Logan has Finn and Leo, so they said I should use those. They look good together right?” Pascal could see that he wasn’t the only one close to tears after glazing over at Celeste smiling brightly. “Yes, Katie, it looks beautiful. Lo, Leo and Finn will love it! Adele, Marc, thank you for helping your sister. I know that this will mean a lot to Logan.” then as if he couldn’t help but to add, “I’m also very proud of you for looking up pride flag colours. I’m really happy you're informing yourself about these topics. They’re important.”

They all smiled at him. Pascal went over to Louis next. “I made two! This one is a card for Olli and Del and Marc also helped me with colours, so it's black, grey, white and this really nice purple that Katie gave me. It didn’t really match the photo, but I liked it better than the really dark one. Do you think he’ll mind?” The fact that his youngest son actually looked concerned staring down at his work had a tear spilling over. He let out a wet chuckle. “Non, je pense qu’il va l'adorer, c’est parfait. For who is the green one?” Louis pulled it out from under his other one and now Pascal could see it was not just green. There were black, grey, white and purple stripes on it too. “It’s for Reg! See, it’s got these stripes and then I drew this heart above it, cause even though he doesn’t want a boyfriend like Siri, he still gets all the love he needs from me and Siri and you and Re and the rest of the team!” Celeste came over and placed a kiss on his cheek, “He loves you too, mon lapinou. They look amazing.”

He walked over to his older son, he didn’t know if he could be any prouder of them. “ I made one for Kasey, Nat and Alex.” Marc stated as he handed his father one of the cards he had made. There were three heads on it, one with long blond hair and hoop earrings, one with light brown hair to the shoulders and one with dark red hair, freckles filling up more of his face than the light pink his son had used for all their skin tones. Pascal was about to compliment it, when Marc gave him another one. “This one is for Nado and Kuny. I made it full of hearts in pan and bi colours, because you mentioned that once and I really hope it’s right.” before Pascal could even think his next thought a stack of cards was placed in his hands. “And then for some of then we didn’t know, but we didn’t want them to feel left out or asume, so I made some rainbow ones for Pots, Talker, Sergei, Timmers, Cookie, Bluey, Ringer, Volley, Wrangler, Sunny and Foxy.”

Pascal was a bit shaken, not only that his son even remembered everyone of his teammates, without missing a single one, but at him having crafted every single one of them a rainbow card. “They will all love them, I’m sure. They look incredible.”

He saw Adele look down at her cards and moving them slightly out of view. Frowning, he walked over to her, “Did you also make something, ma colombe?” She nodded, pulling out one of her cards and holding it up for him to see. It was beautiful. She had glued blue magazine cut outs on the top of the cards, which got lighter til they reached a white in the middle and to green ones at the bottom. Over it there was a heart which read “Some hockey players marry their PT, get over it” He didn’t know how she had thought of that, but it was true and funny and so Adele, Pascal had no choice but to love it.

“These are all perfect. Thank you so, so much for making them, they’ll all love them I’m sure. We can tell them to all sit down in the living room so you can give them their cards later, sounds good?” They all nodded, seemingly happy with the idea. “Now let’s clean up before they come here and don’t recognize the place, eh?” All of them nodded as they got up, Celeste telling them where to start and how to clean it.

Pascal moved to the kitchen with the tray of now empty glasses Celeste had no doubt gotten them earlier, when he heard something behind him. Once he had carefully placed down everything he turned around to see Adele standing in the kitchen, arms behind her back. He waited for her to speak for only a moment until she did. “So, you saw that we made cards for everyone, because they’re all great and we should let them know we love and support them, right?” Pascal nodded, letting her continue, “But there’s one more card I made,” Pascal had counted before, his children hadn’t forgotten a single one of his teammates, he had no clue what that last card could be for. “because it’s important that they know they’re loved right?” she continued, “that’s a really important part of all of this. So,” she slowly pulled out a card from behind her back, “this one is for exactly that. Just because someone’s not queer or questioning, doesn’t mean they’re not important this month. It’s not the main focus of it, of course, but having allies is a big part of being able to be proud of who they are for some people. I wanted to thank you for that. I could have gotten some homophobic dad like some of my classmates, but I’m really, really glad I got you.”

She handed him the card she had made, similar to the collage of magazines but in black and white stripes with a rainbow A covering it. He couldn’t help the wetness that gathered in his eyes again. And here he had thought the emotional stuff wouldn’t be until the team arrived. He walked forward and hugged his oldest daughter. “Thank you so, so much,” he whispered, since he didn’t trust himself with anything else to come out anywhere close to evenly, “Thank you, ma petite. I am so proud to have you as my daughter. You’re the best children I could have ever asked for.”

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Thurs 4 Feb ‘21

Confirmation is here at last of Harry’s role in the film adaptation of My Policeman, brought to us by queer fave Greg Berlanti (and his husband). Harry will costar with Emma Corrin, who you may remember from the at the time inexplicable seeming Harry/Emma cross promo last August-- given the pains they took then to emphasize that the relationship was platonic, one assumes this film will go for a different promo tactic than the current one! They share a stylist though, so they’ll no doubt be beautifully coordinated. Harry will play Tom, which some people object to on the grounds that Harry is the wrong person to play the role of a closeted man which is certainly… one opinion. Aaaaand there’s plenty more of that discourse (and about him playing a policeman) to come over the coming months so I’ll just leave it there for now! Anyway and as for that current project, we got more DWD set pics today, featuring Harry in various costume outfits! There’s ones where his character looks bloodied, and ones where his character looks clean but absolutely terrifying, grown up frat boy from hell looks to give you CHILLS, plus some of Harry as Harry in a bright orange hoodie designed by his friend Kunichi Nomura.There was also {moustache spoilers} some weird facial hair on display. Okay then!

Project Defenseless has been launched to push Defenseless up in the streaming charts and push for radio play! The fan single project offers resources and organized pushes to get people streaming and promoting on all the platforms and reaching out to radio, and has fans making lots of very cool edits besides! “I see what you’re doing with defenseless! You are all incredible!” said Louis. That song is such a fitting choice for this kind of project! Its journey has been all about the fan response from back when Louis played it for us for the very first time in 2019 (it was the one everyone was screaming about from soundcheck clips for the few hours between that and hearing the songs for real even) and afterwards he told us about how although he’d always liked the song it clicked for him in a new way after getting the fan reaction, saying “something happened to it when I performed it live, and ever since then it really kind of got me,” and “the fans make everything sound amazing, they made it sound so good,” and “the fans for whatever reason really took to this song, so now it has a special place in me heart definitely”. Plus of course there was the long saga of fan stress when it seemed like it might not be on the album and rejoicing when Louis finally definitively confirmed that it would be, after what seemed like might have been a reversal on his part due to the outcry about it. And now she’s climbing all kinds of charts like a the star she is! The song shot up on itunes (#3 worldwide, #1 in 16 countries) just for starters and the project has only just got going. Louis commented on the stats-- “An album track off an album that’s a year old. You lot blow my fucking mind! Thank you so much!”

Louis also commented on a Jack Saunders (BBC indie music DJ) tweet and followed guitarist Johnny Took of the DMAs on twitter which is weird only in that he didn’t already.

There’s news about Zayn’s Zach Sang interview, and it’s not the most surprising news but it is very sad; Zach says “hi beautiful humans, this convo was scheduled for last week but we got a rain check from his team. this conversation can still happen, it ain’t over yet! we’ll keep ya in the loop. I listened to this album 7 times! we’re determined” Well... damn. However Zayn DID pop up with some spon-content but like… the WEIRDEST ad content?? It’s for Coors Light and, well I’ll let Zayn tell you about it! “They’re gonna see if they can put a commercial inside your dreams... which is kind of messed up.” HAHAHAHA I have nothing to add! What Zayn said!!! “So we’re gonna give that a go and uh see if it works,” he says, sounding appropriately skeptical, followed by “wish me luck”. Does this kind of sponcon count as malicious compliance? Technically he DID say the stuff he was supposed to- and he’s doing an instagram live for them Sat, supposedly. I can’t wait to see how that goes! Wish him luck! The latest installment of the NIL comic book video series is also out today, but just one this time instead of a pair. This week’s song is Connexion and the new comic shows us that the figure pursuing our hero is, drumroll-- himself! The call is coming from inside the house!

Unlike interview shy Zayn, however, Gigi is out there ready to overshare, as long as it’s to Vogue. She has plenty to say about giving birth to zaby Khai (newly revealed nickname: Khaiba) at home at the Pennsylvania farm. The article says that they decided to have the birth at home due to COVID placing restrictions on hospital births that would have prevented Bella and Zayn and Yolanda all being present, and after she and Zayn watched the documentary The Business of Being Born. “They placed a blow-up bath in their bedroom and sent their three cats and border collie away when the midwife expressed concern that the sphynx and Maine coon felines might puncture the tub with their claws,” the interviewer learns while horseback riding with Gigi. The article also says Zayn “caught the baby” but it isn’t a direct quote from Gigi and I’m thinking a bit of an exaggeration perhaps. Gigi had the baby at the Hadid family farm but she and Zayn have since relocated to live at his farm, which is nearby, where they say they will be raising the child, with Z’s mom Trisha coming to stay to help out for the first month, that Khai sleeps with them, and that Zayn said his experience of the whole thing reminded him of the birth in a lion documentary they’d watched. Neither mentioned it but it has been spotted that Gigi and Zayn each now have tattoos of the name, Khai, in Arabic.

Meanwhile, Niall surfaced only in golf guy mode- a Modest Golf announcement and a podcast appearance to promote the new Modest initiative to get young people into playing golf. He says they want to “get rid of that thing that’s been holding golf back for a long time, that it’s a boring sport…” and I know he means he’s trying to combat that idea but when I tell you I LAUGHED!