#parenting trauma

[b0bthebuilder35]

[linesonpages]

“I didn’t even know it was bothering me until it was gone”

This happens to me all the time. I’ve been trying to learn the same lesson, from a different source but very similar. I often find myself getting anxious and defensive/explosively reactive and can’t identify the source of my overstimulation/discomfort, eventually that source is removed and I can finally regulate.

I want to be able to identify the sources while they’re happening so I can eliminate them sooner, but in the moment my brain freezes and my executives can’t function.

So I started a note in my phone to write down the triggers after it gets fixed and I identified it. When I have time and energy I write the trigger out as a question I can ask myself, and an explanation I can give myself as to why changing that thing might help. If applicable I also write out the tools I can use with my kids when my sensory needs conflict with theirs. I write it conversationally so I can read it aloud to myself and just follow my instructions, if it’s just bullet points I can’t always connect the information to the moment, or remember what those four words were supposed to make me think of doing.

I always like it when people share their lists on advice posts like this, so here’s mine in case it helps as a starting point:

Things to check when it’s all a bit too much:

Are any of the blinds up? You feel trapped and unsafe if all the blinds are closed and the house is too dark. Try opening a couple (even if the weather is bad)

Have you been outside today? You also feel trapped if you are in the same place for a whole day. Step out on the porch for at least 2 minutes even if the weather is miserable you ALWAYS feel better.

Have you consumed any calories in the last 2 hours? You are a grazer and a lil’ treat queen. Your brain probably needs a little glucose, if the kids are also tense give them something carb based too. This physically helps you and it often gets your attention off the stressor so you can try to find it.

Are the big lights on after 6pm? That’s unacceptable, you own lamps for a reason. You don’t need this much light all the time. Turn them off. If the kids are feeling stressed by the dark give them their lanterns, you bought them for this moment specifically. They need more light than you, so give them the dumb lanterns batteries are not as expensive as you think.

Are you cold? Are you hot? Change your clothes or get a blanket. Put socks on or off. It sounds stupid but inverting your sock situation tends to help.

Have you drank anything recently? Get a beverage of extreme temperature. It’ll give you some glucose for your brain and give body a job to do and a temperature change to monitor so she stops freaking out so much.

Are you sticky or wet? Are there crumbs on the floor and by extension your feet? Fix that and it’ll change your life. You abhor these things.

How many sounds are currently being produced? You often try to put on a podcast because you’re bored but if the kids have the tv on and your podcast is on it’s usually too much for you. If there’s multiple musics being produced you’re toast. Either give up on the podcast for now or get your good headphones, don’t forget to tell Tali she needs to come and touch your arm if she needs you while you’re wearing them.

I’m adding more each time I find one and it’s really helpful. My daughter has even started learning some things and offering to change them when she notices I’m getting stressed. Especially big lights after dinner time, I think that one helps her too. I gave my husband the list too, but he prefers bullet points over the long version.

It’s really hard to relearn and parent ourselves. But it is possible if we keep at it and give ourselves grace and compassion to grow slowly. We were supposed to learn this stuff over the course of 18ish years with our parents coaching and collaborating with us. So it’s going to take a long time for us to teach ourselves.

I think something a lot of other people can relate to is the way that you get so conditioned to discomfort that you stop registering it.

I remember sitting at the table with my family, eating dinner as a child. I’d try to eat, because of course I was hungry. But sometimes the flavor or texture was so repugnant that it moved into a category of Not Food.

“Two more bites before you can leave the table.”

“I can’t,” I’d say, trying to explain the impossibility.

But because I was a child they heard, “I won’t,” and made me sit at the table. I’d sit in dull agonized silence, bored and hungry for hours until bedtime when they’d give up. I’d hate myself for not eating and my parents for forcing me to sit there. The few forcefeeding moments ended in vomit.

They’d say, “If you don’t eat this you can’t eat a snack later,” and I moved past trying to communicate my discomfort into accepting that I’d just be hungry.

That state of affairs didn’t last, because my parents realized nothing could force me to eat so they catered to my palate, worrying they’d starve me. But the message stuck. If you can’t do anything about a situation, just accept the suffering.

A few years later my mother called me off the playground to ask, “Are you limping?”

I shrugged. My feet had hurt for a long time, but that was just the way things were now. My mom pulled my socks and shoes off and gasped. The soles of my feet were covered in huge painful planters warts.

“Why didn’t you say anything?!” She demanded but I could only shrug at her. I’d learned a long time ago that saying things about my discomfort didn’t matter, so now I had no words. Sometimes things hurt and sometimes they don’t. I simply accepted and did my best.

Now as an adult trying to learn to improve my own conditions can be hard. If I make food that I can’t eat I’ll force myself to sit at the counter still, full of guilt and self loathing, trying to will myself to eat it.

At first I needed my betrothed to gently take it away to present me with something I could eat. Now on my own I can usually admit that it’s not happening before too long and get something else, but I still feel guilty.

Laying in bed at night waiting for my betrothed to finish getting ready I let out a huge sigh of relief when they turned the lights off.

“Why didn’t you turn them off if they bothered you?” they asked the first time it happened.

“I didn’t even know it was bothering me until it was gone.”

Assessing my physical state now to see if I can improve it is something I’m still relearning but I’m relieved to finally have the space and support to do it.

[happyherringbonkpickle]

[anna-scribbles]

emma dupain cheng on the brain😽🎀

more:

[hypewinter]

Ok ok ok so hear me out. I've seen a lot of stories and prompts where the Joker is scared of Danny. But honestly? Big scary ghost? Whatever, doesn't phase him. He's seen scarier. He's done scarier. Try again.

But you know what has been actually proven to scare the Joker? The IRS. So imagine this man's utter horror when one day an IRS agent just appears in his hideout and lets him know that he still owes them money. The agent gives him a deadline to pay his remaining taxes then leaves.

Joker immediately starts scrambling. He needs to come up with this money fast. No way he's making an enemy out of the IRS. But before that, Johnny? Find my accountant and give him the most painfully funny death you can think of.

For the next few days, Joker is running around, trying to collect the remaining money that he owes but he still doesn't have enough. As the IRS agent so helpfully reminds him every time he shows up.

On the day of the deadline Joker is still just short of what he owes so he pulls out his trump card. Begging.

That's how Batman finds one deranged clown killer on his hands and knees begging for a loan or at the very least some protection and he is utterly confused. It's at that moment when a young man appears out of nowhere.

"I'm sorry. It looks like you still haven't paid all of your taxes," he says in a frighteningly cheerful voice before he grabs the Joker by his collar and drags him into the shadows.

[kyri45]

You guys wanted un-glamoured Mac for a month now you have to pay the consequences.

Shadowpeach Bio Parent AU (PREV / FIRST / NEXT

[princess-beef]

When The Bough Breaks: A Look at Generational Trauma

TW: sexual abuse, emotional abuse, generational trauma Alright kids, let’s talk about it. In the tender year of 2018, I went and saw the movie Ladybird with my husband. I cried through the whole movie, and continued for 2 hours after. I was wrecked. Something about that movie touched every open “mom” wound I had and I had never confronted it. (My boss also has the perfect touch for finger…

[ophanim-vesper]

A short-ish fancomic poem thing about my hc for Zelda

(best read from left to right)

[chloesimaginationthings]

How helpy tested out the FNAF pizza sim attractions

[seventeendeer]

ppl are too quick to point to laios' disability as the reason his friends think he's a freak sometimes. so many instances of laios getting yelled at are, in my eyes, a case of "this guy had to emotionally mature very early in order to be there for his little sister" combined with "much older friends who never had to learn to manage their own emotions to the same degree"

a lot of the time he's right about needing to be more direct/deal with things in a way that may seem scary/needing to put your gut reaction aside. he tries not to make his friends uncomfortable and he puts up with a lot because he's trying to keep the peace, but he also pushes the others out of their comfort zones purposefully to try to get them to think more constructively. everyone else in the party is prone to acting on their gut instincts and avoiding uncomfortable situations even when facing them head-on is very much necessary. part of what makes laios such a great leader is the fact that he knows from experience how to put his own feelings aside to help someone else grow.

yes, he does make a lot of social blunders by accident and he does struggle to connect with others, but not all of his positive influence on others is accidental or "despite" making people uncomfortable. a lot of the time, I think it's clear he knows exactly what he's doing and he's trying to help the people around him process emotions in a healthy way as they all go through some truly harrowing shit. all the main characters support each other as well as they can with their unique emotional skillsets. laios' skillset just happens to be "gently talk child into eating her vegetables"

[stargirldotcom]

- on mothers

lady bird/ @death-born-aphrodite/ everything, everywhere, all at once/ rupi kaur/ unknown/ maia baia/ your best american girl- mitski/ lady bird/ unknown/ @inkskinned

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

[purble-sarah]

hey im back from the dead and here's Jason and I'll be active again and drawing again cuz im back yeah (sry for the unexpected hiatus)

[gentleaffirmations]

You deserved parents who encouraged your dreams.

It wasn't your job to make their dreams come true for them, or to live the life they dreamed up for you.

Your life is yours.

[nerdy-hyperfixations]

“Pain is hilarious!”

C’mon guys he had to learn that his eye regenerates somehow!

So fun fact! You know that thing people, perhaps parents tell you? That if you smile it tricks your brain into being happy? Well don’t do that in traumatic moments! Because if you do, your brain mixes wires on how to process shit and when you’re under mental turmoil you might start laughing maniacally! I may or may not know from experience!!! 😃

[faeriekit]

I think Alfred needs his own prompt 👻(dp x dc)

Alfred had died.

(It was a bit of a waste of time— he'd been scheduled to get the boys to and from their suit fitting at this time. Now here he was; languishing. Murdered. Sulking, even.)

(How frivolous.)

As a busy man with children (an adult child) to care for, a house to maintain, and a budget to supervise, Alfred's main goal was to return to Earth, obviously. If he left Master Bruce in charge of the dusting, the man would absolutely let the unused parts of the house go into disrepair. Too impatient, his ex-ward was.

The only problem was that in this green, nebulous, and gravity-free afterlife, there seemed to be only one way out— navigating through the individual worlds that the denizens of this world have molded around themselves, until he finds a being willing to grant his wish to return.

Alfred sighed, checked for the pistol at his hip and the rifle on his back, and marched straight upwards. Or. Well. Downwards. Actually... Never mind.