#pain i am in pain
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Bitches (I) need to realize that Tropical Libra Risings (I) need to focus on spiritual, mental, and physical health because Saturn in Pisces is gonna thrash 'em (ME!!!).
#admin speaks#astrology#saturn#saturn in pisces#libra rising#pisces 6th house#6th house#tropical astrology#pain i am in pain
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Me when I remember something I said ages ago that was wrong or my values no longer align with
#my path of self improvement has been less self righteous and personally gainful#and more just. a lot of embarrassment and pain#like i wouldnt change the path i took to get where i am now but i wouldve chosen to travel that path sooner because omg#nothing hits me like the fear that future me will feel the same way about right now me that right now me feels about past tense me
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If you've ever told a person who's had to be bedbound for a period of time that you wish you could "just stay in bed", DO IT.
Stay in bed. For days. But don't get up if someone needs you to, or you get bored, or you get antsy. Don't do anything other than rest. Just lie in your bed, whether you need to get stuff done around the house or socialize or anything else "productive". You'll have to cancel on people, you'll disappoint them, they won't understand.
And if you're thinking, "well, i CAN'T just be in bed. There's stuff that has to be done - I have plans", maybe ask yourself why you assumed a disabled person doesn't have plans or things to do or desires.
#Disability#Bedbound#Housebound#Actually disabled#Chronic illness#Long covid#Chronic fatigue#Inspired by my boss asking what I did over the weekend and I said I couldn't get out of bed and he said that sounds nice actually#I'm literally only able to work bc I am in bed at all times I'm not at work and it's still so hard and painful#I can't get my own groceries or cook my own meals or socialize or eat at restaurants or go to movies or take care of my own pets#If I didn't have a loving generous caring spouse I'd be dead by now
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You Are Not Immune To fanart of characters who die in canon that has them alive and well, with scars from the wound that originally killed them
#I Am Sobbing So Much.#anyways shoutout to my fellow kny fans who are in so much pain#every time i see [spoilers] with a big vertical scar#i cry so much!!!! so much
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Looks like we can’t isolate, ignore, ibuprofen our way out of this one boys
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Body swap movie where one of them has invisible disabilities and when the other one lands in their body they immediately collapse catatonic on the floor from the pain and fatigue and the first one is like 'oh damn guess I don't have to worry that I'm faking it anymore'
#i have this fantasy of one my able bodied friends and or coworkers occupying my body for like an hour#just to get a real sense of how much i am truly weathering hellfire every day of my life#sometimes i take stock and im like holy crap ive gotten so used to so much#im a frog in a pot and ive convinced myself the bubbling is just fun ambience#my thoughts#invisible disability#chronic illness#chronic pain
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I think it's super interesting how Jimmy's fear of Anya and the baby manifests in his mind as the Pony Express mascot.
Unlike every other character, Anya ISN'T in Jimmy's guilt/regret hallucinations near the end. He sees Daisuke walk towards the dark, he sees Swansea chase him through a cemetery, he sees Curly on fire in front of him but ANYA? Anya isn't given that kind of treatment. No, instead, we see a hallucination of the baby, a tiny horse in a womb that has no face attached to it (Anya's face specifically, all he sees is the womb), turning into a deformed monster that hunts him down the moment it's born.
Polle (the baby) is seen as a danger in Jimmy's head in the beginning of the game too, after he walks out of the cockpit. The more he walks, the louder the baby noises get and the more deformed Polle looks when he runs into it!
Jimmy doesn't give a damn about Anya, nor does he regret anything he did to her, but he is scared of that baby and what it means. The living proof of what he did to Anya, manifesting as a monster that hunts him down throughout the game.
#mouthwashing#Polle says: FACE THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS INSTEAD OF BEING DELUSIONAL!!#god please take all of Anya's pain.. double it and give it to Jimmy#this might be gibberish but in my defense it's 2 in the morning and I am very sleep deprived#mouthwashing jimmy#mouthwashing anya#mouthwashing curly#mouthwashing daisuke#mouthwashing swansea
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laying in a dark room waiting for the Tylenol to kick in, and Belphie snuffled up to me. and I was like oh…….. Belphie 🥺 and then he catapulted off my cheek meat and ran so fast out of my room that he tripped and hit a wall
#aughhhhhh#the doctor offered a strong pain killer prescription#and I was like No I Am Tough Guy#but I’m not tough guy…….. I am sad in pain guy
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i am unreasonably proud and excited about this
#disability#chronic pain#mobility aid#i am officially running a thing to make my university accessible#i am so ready to fight people over it and I've recruited a bunch of people#we may or may not end up in our local news too#im done with this shit#literally on Friday had to walk around the building bc the elevator broke again and i couldn't do stairs#should take 30 seconds instead took like 10 minutes
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unconditionally
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#megumi#yuuji#im shaky and numb the way this took years off my life#genuinely cannot believe i thought it was smart to make it a comic i could have stuck at a painting and it would have been fine#but nooooooo in my hubris i thought Surely im an expert at this longform stuff now Surely i can do it :)#and then it killed me it killed me dead this is like over twice as long as the train comic and 4 times as detailed#backgrounds . angles. i yearn fr death.#AND I HAD 2 WRITE THEM ACTUALLY TALKING GGSDH i am actually so insecure abt the way the dialogue flows gomen....#i wanted to add more to it to fix how clipped and rushed i think it reads#but that would mean drawing more expressions would mean drawing more panels would mean more gd hyDRANGEAS#so ultimately i decided 2 have the conversation take the hit because let me tell u.#if i have to draw. one more blue petal i will snap i will lose it#i knew tht would happen n wanted to alleviate some of the pain so i found a few brushes that helped speed up the process#but the thing w a lot of premade flower brushes is they also come preshaded n look uniform in a way that stands out badly against my style#so i had 2 render over them anyway........#yuuji's domain rly putting me through the wringer first the train station now death by a bajillion petals smh#all that to say tho . my labour of love . i am going to take a nap#hina.comic
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Demo has had many careers - tattoo artist isn't one of them.
#tf2#tf2 fanart#team fortress 2#tf2 soldier#tf2 demoman#demo warned him a tattoo might be painful and he's just thinking 'wow! he wasn't kidding! i! am! in! agony!'#then they go wake medic up at 3am to grow soldier a new arm#slowly drawing all the mercs shirtless ig 🥴#i as gonna add a tanktop to solider but my boyf came along and was like '...you don't....neeed to add one...ifyoudontwantto.........' HMMM#omg how has it been this long and ive never drawn a gun or someone holding one?? fake fan i guess
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Self-indulgent showtime sketches
#my art#fanart#digital art#the amazing digital circus#tadc#showtime#showtime shipping#pomni x caine#caine x pomni#tadc fanart#look i get that he’s an ai and that she probably hates his guts#but their designs just compliment each other ok??#and they have such a fun dynamic too#i am cringe but i am free#tadc caine#tadc pomni#took me a lot of willpower not to draw them for a while now but the parasites the demons in me….they want me to draw showtime#paine
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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.
sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.
you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.
it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.
but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.
they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.
they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.
barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.
and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.
but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.
they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!
this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.
#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone#yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.#writeblr#ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person#and on this blog we support workers.#at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going.#when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens#have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists#and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like.#it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases -#at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory.#it was what i had seen.#and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference#we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol'#so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender#and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID.#he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different#i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.
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I think it's so interesting that when the Night Nurse goes through Charles' trauma, she does see him being attacked by the other boys, sees him running alone through the night, but she never sees him dying. That only comes later, when she is searching for love.
And there is no fear in that memory, even if there is pain, there is just Edwin and the light he is bringing, metaphorically and physically, into Charles' life, there is smiling and joking and listening to stories. There is Edwin.
So, yeah, I don't think dying was a bad experience for Charles. Not a good one, per se, but one that led to the best thing in his existence.
#dead boy detectives#dead boy detective agency#dbd#edwin payne#edwin paine#charles rowland#painland#payneland#paynland#chedwin#charles x edwin#edwin x charles#i am v emotional about them always#and is such an interesting choice of framing to me#is it bad if you are in pain and cold and literally dying#or is this being offset by meeting the most important person in your whole existence#(it is)
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there's something about the fact that charles said he never finished reading the myth of orpheus and eurydice. he references it and yet he never finished it. he looked back, not out of fear but because edwin needed to be seen. he got edwin back. they made it out of hell. he never finished the story. he is not orpheus and edwin is not eurydice.
#soda speaks#something something subverting the genre expectations simply because you dont have the ingrained idea of following them#as you can tell i am very normal about them#dead boy detectives#dead boy detective agency#orpheus and eurydice#edwin payne#edwin paine#charles rowland#payneland#paynland#paineland#painland#dbd#dead boy detectives spoilers
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In the latest installment of me Terrorizing Medical Professionals, I got my Wisdom Teeth extracted because one decided to be an asshole and the other 3 were pending assholery, and demonstrated to my dentist that it's entirely possible to out-metabolize Ketamine if you start moving ASAP and also have a freakishly powerful liver.
So yesterday I had my one-month Checkup. It went pretty great, and the dentist asked if any part of my mouth was bothering me.
"Yeah, there's a sharp bit of bone coming out through the side from the extraction in my lower right jaw. The bone spur itself doesn't hurt, but it keeps cutting my tongue, so can you just pull it?" "Oh. Sure! Let me go get everything to do that." she said, and went to go get the tools for the extraction.
...Then there was some kind of confusion at the front desk I could overhear, with someone showing up with an urgent problem and they had to juggle the available staff, so she came back a bit later with the Pliers, said something about something taking "long enough" and went in.
It came out in two pieces, and the most discomfort I had was like, a 3/10 from the extraction itself, but mostly from keeping my mouth open.
...About halfway through, the Hygienist came in, apologizing for being late getting back from the front desk.
"Oh good, you have her the Novocaine!" the hygienist sighs with relief.
"What?" Said my dentist.
"What?" said the hygienist.
Both of them turn to look at the very full syringe on the tool table behind me.
"Honestly this is bothering me way less than the shot would." I said, lightly dribbling blood, and they both turn to me in horror.
"I really hate needles." I explain.
"What." says the dentist.
"Woah." Says the hygienist. "You would have done great in like, The Civil War."
Which is probably the funniest thing anyone's every said about my dangerously high pain tolerance.
Anyway, it was a one-off issue, and a non-issue for me because I think a normal person would have stopped her, so I go back in August if she doesn't recommend me to someone else for terrifying her twice in as many visits.
#family lore#Dentistry#CW: teeth problems#I am fine I just tolerate pain extremely well if I know it isn't going to kill me
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