#overall mean well but have a difficult time figuring out what that means or how to achieve that when the only thing they really believe

[phagodyke]

weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

[eastgaysian]

he's so casual about the fact that dozens of people died it actually endears him to me. well it was less than ideal that you killed a woman we just met in cold blood but hey, pobody's nerfect

[domjaehyun]

the need to know (l.dh) — teaser

pairing. haechan x fem!reader teaser wc. 2.2k overall wc (so far). 27k notes. this fic is not coming up before the halloween fic, i just… got excited. hbd @hyucksaint 💖

Even with the music filling the room and the numerous bodies in between you two, Haechan’s staring is getting harder and harder to ignore. His eyes bore into you from all the way across the room where he stands talking to Jeno and Mark, and it’s so intense it’s almost palpable, prompting you to meet his gaze with a raise of your eyebrows.

He grins, flicking his eyebrows upwards, and you chuckle, turning your attention back to Renjun’s rant about his neighbor.

“...and then he had the nerve to tell me to ‘keep my music down’ as if he’s not up at the asscrack of dawn doing construction in his apartment!” 

“What a hypocrite,” you say with a grimace, and Renjun nods vigorously, relief written all over his face.

“I’m surprised you even heard any of that,” Jihyo remarks, raising an eyebrow at you as she sips at the straw sticking out of her drink.

You shoot her a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

“Well, with all the eye-fucking you and Haechan keep doing, I figured you were a little preoccupied.” she comments, and you narrow your eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” you lie, turning your nose up with a sniff.

“Oh, I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Don’t lie to me.” she says with a playfully stern look. “Now, what’s going on with you and Haechan?”

“Yeah, what is going on with you and Haechan?” Renjun asks curiously, leaning forward in anticipation to hear you better.

“Nothing!” you say defensively, and Jihyo arches an eyebrow.

“Oh, yeah? Then why is he coming over here?” she asks with a knowing smile that only grows when you subconsciously fix your hair as, sure enough, Haechan approaches, eyes on you the whole time. “Hi, Haechan.”

“Hey,” he replies distractedly, tilting his head to the side as he regards you. “Hi,” he says to you, his lips quirking up into a smile.

“Hi,” you answer, mirroring his expression.

There’s a beat of silence before Renjun speaks. “‘Hi, Renjun. How was your day? I totally see you standing to my right, and I’m definitely not ignoring you like a piece of lint—’”

“Hi, Renjun.” Haechan says with a laugh, and Renjun glowers at him, muttering something under his breath about going where he’s appreciated before stalking off, presumably to subject another one of your friends to his tirade about his neighbor. “You having fun?” he asks you, and you nod, prompting him to smile widely and puff out his chest slightly before saying, “More now that I’m here, right?”

“Sure, Haechan,” you reply with a small laugh, and Jihyo just raises her brows at both of you.

“I’m gonna go find Jiwoo,” she says, shooting you in particular a secretive smile before disappearing into the crowd of people.

Haechan immediately steps into the space she occupied, now much closer to you, and his smile widens even more before he speaks, murmuring, “I like your top. You look so good tonight, but I’m sure you knew that.”

“I did,” you confirm, and he snorts. “But thank you. You look good, too.”

“Oh, yeah? We’re kind of matching.” he points out, gesturing to your black lace up top and his dark gray Nirvana t-shirt. 

“Are we? That’s gray.” you reply with a growing smile.

“Dark gray and black are practically the same color.”

“But are they actually the same color? No.” 

“Why are you being difficult?” he says with narrowed eyes, and you shrug.

“It’s my specialty.” you answer with a beguiling smile, and he rolls his eyes, an amused smile tugging at the corners of his lips even as he feigns exasperation.

“Anyway,” he stresses the word, shifting the conversation. “Do you wanna get some fresh air with me?”

“Mm, not really; it’s kinda cold outside.” you say with a small pout.

“You can wear my jacket,” he offers, and you pause, thinking about it.

“Maybe later. For now, do you wanna come with me to the kitchen? I want a snack.” you ask, and he smiles at the invitation before nodding.

“Lead the way, baby.” he coos, and you roll your eyes with a smile as you do just that, reaching back to link pinkies with him.

“So we don’t get separated,” you explain.

He beams. “Good idea.” 

You two make your way through the throng of bodies and into the kitchen, where you promptly start raiding the cabinets.

“I love Jeno and Jaemin to death, but their snack selection is shit.” you huff in disappointment, turning back to Haechan to see that he’s propped himself up against the kitchen counter, watching you with amusement and intrigue.

“Jeno went on a snack purge the other day,” he reminds you. “Said something about overly processed foods and saturated fats.”

“Well, sorry if I like my foods overly processed and my fats saturated.” you gripe, and Haechan laughs, pushing off the counter to walk over to you. 

“I think they have fruit in the fridge,” he says, leaning into your space to open the refrigerator door. He pauses before he pulls back, eyes trained on your lips and his own lips part in a soft sigh, tongue poking out to wet them. 

“The snacks?” you remind him with a growing smile, unable to resist glancing at his very tempting mouth.

“I’m looking at one,” he breathes, and you burst out laughing, pushing him back gently.

“That was very cheesy.” you giggle, and he shrugs shamelessly.

“It made you laugh, so I consider it a win.” he says with a soft, fond smile. 

Your cheeks flare with warmth, not used to the gentleness and sincerity in his eyes, and divert your attention to the now open fridge, picking out a container of grapes that you hope are washed as you pop one into your mouth and chew. The burst of sweetness is very welcome on your tongue, and you lean back onto the fridge, closing your eyes in bliss.

“Better?” he chuckles, and you nod.

“Want one?” you say, offering him a grape, and he nods, leaning in to eat it from your fingers. Before he pulls back, he looks at you with heavy-lidded eyes, his sultry gaze too much for you at the moment and making you return your attention to the container of grapes with an urgency that doesn’t go unnoticed by Haechan. 

“Cute.” he murmurs softly, and you huff, trying (and failing) to hide your budding smile at the compliment.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” you say, carefully extracting yourself from the small space he’s got you cornered in. 

His eyes twinkle with amusement as he raises his eyebrows suggestively. “Was that an invitation?”

“It most certainly was not.”

“Aw, man. Next time?” he asks hopefully, and you snort.

“Don’t count on it.”

You do your best to hold your breath as you make your way through the hallway, stopping by the window for a moment before sticking your head out and breathing in the fresh air gratefully. After a moment of relief, you decide to open the window wider, climbing out and sitting on the windowsill, feet carefully resting on the fire escape attached to the side of the building.

It’s quieter over here, you note, pleased with your newfound situation as you scroll through your phone. Sure enough, when you open Instagram and tap on Jeno’s story, you see two boomerangs; one of him and his friends sitting in a circle around his bong, and one of him blowing smoke out of his mouth.

You tap the heart for both posts before footsteps pull your attention away from your phone, making you turn your head to see the newcomer. 

Haechan stops about a foot away from the window, leaning against the wall. “I thought I’d find you out here. Thought you said it was too cold?”

“It is, actually, but this air doesn’t reek of weed.” you explain, and he nods in understanding.

“Mind if I join you?”

You wordlessly scoot over to make room for him, and he smiles, climbing out and sitting beside you. The side of your leg presses against his as he makes himself comfortable, but you don’t really want to move it. 

So you don’t, and you just silently appreciate the warmth radiating from his body as he shrugs off his jacket and drapes it over your shoulders. 

“Thank you,” you say sincerely, and he smiles at you, nodding.

“The city looks so pretty like this,” Haechan sighs, and you direct your gaze straight ahead of you, taking in all of the city lights in the nearby buildings and the bridges in the distance. “It’s almost as pretty as you,” he says, nudging you with a cheeky grin, and you exhale through your nose in amusement.

“It is pretty,” you agree. “Someone’s feeling flirtatious, I see.”

“Can you blame me? You show up tonight looking as good as you do and expect me not to want to be all over you?” he snorts, and you raise your eyebrows, slightly surprised by how forward he’s being.

“‘All over me?’” you repeat, and he nods, looking you directly in the eyes. “Like… all over me?”

“You interpret it however you want to, baby.”

“You’re gonna have to stop calling me ‘baby,’ by the way; it’s starting to confuse me.” you tell him, and he raises an eyebrow.

“How so?”

“I think I kinda like it,” you confess, and his gaze drops to your lips instantly, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips. 

“Oh, really?” he murmurs suggestively, running one finger around one of the rips on the thigh of your jeans, and he chuckles softly as you shiver slightly, goosebumps raising on your arms. “Cold?”

“Something like that.” you reply evasively, and he snorts, his smile widening.

“Back to what you were saying… about liking when I call you ‘baby,’” he quickly returns to the previous topic, and you roll your eyes slightly in amusement. “What’s so wrong with that?”

“Friends don’t typically call each other ‘baby.’” you point out, and he shrugs.

“Maybe we can be special friends.”

“Oh, yeah? Special how?”

“Maybe we call each other cute names… touch a little bit… kiss a little bit…” he trails off, and you look over to see that he’s watching your lips again, a small grin on his lips.

“Mm, that could get messy though.” you murmur, and he gazes at you, longing openly written all over his handsome features.

“Life is messy.” he points out.

“This doesn't have to be.” you reply, gesturing between the two of you. Haechan links his fingers with yours and sets your linked hands on top of your touching thighs, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand. “That feels nice,” you sigh, leaning against him slightly.

“I bet I could make you feel even nicer.” he muses suggestively, and you snicker.

“Won’t lie and say I’m not a little curious.” you admit, and he sucks in a sharp breath of surprise.

“Don’t tempt me,” he murmurs. “I don’t particularly feel like holding back right now.”

“Oh, is that what you usually do?” you reply, speaking as soft and low as he just did.

He nods. “You always tempt me, actually—I’m just not feeling like beating around the bush right now.”

You raise your eyebrows in surprise and—you won’t lie—intrigue. “And what’s making you feel like that right now?”

“A number of things,” he replies. “How unbelievably good you look tonight, the way I can see the goosebumps on your skin when I touch you, and,” his voice gets even softer but carries an urgency you don’t believe you’ve heard from him before, “the way you’re looking at me.”

“And how am I looking at you?” you question, tilting your head to the side curiously.

“The same way I’m always looking at you.” he answers, and you don’t need him to elaborate.

“So if that’s all true,” you muse, regarding him carefully, “then why aren’t you doing anything about it?”

“I like what we have,” he says in reply, and you smile. “Wouldn’t want to ruin it.”

“And what if I said I kind of want you to ruin it?” Your words are quieter than ever, tentative even, but by the way the fire in Haechan’s eyes intensifies, you know he heard you all the same.

“What did I just say about tempting me?”

“It wasn’t a temptation,” you say carefully. “It was an invitation.”

He sucks in a sharp breath. “You know, I’ve never been one to ignore my urges before,” he admits. “If I want something, I get it.”

“Oh, yeah?” You can’t even try to hide the arousal building in you as you watch his lips with uninhibited longing.

“Yeah.” His gaze matches yours, unbridled desire swimming in his eyes as he slowly leans in, and you find yourself mirroring him, the two of you moving painfully slowly as you get closer and closer.

“And what is it that you want right now?” you ask, voice barely above a whisper.

“I bet you can guess.”

[lovielied]

mine, all mine ♡ toji fushiguro x reader

୨ summary ୧ : three weeks after a messy breakup with your ex-boyfriend, toji fushiguro, you decide to go out in hopes of finding someone new. as if he'd let it be that easy.

** this was initially posted on my ao3, lovelied. **

wc: 3.4k

It’d been just shy of three weeks since you’d broken up with your ex-boyfriend, Toji Fushiguro. As you’d told your friends time and time again, it’d be easier to list what he’d done right as opposed to what he’d done wrong. If you were to go on about how much of a deadbeat asshole he was, you wouldn’t be finished for hours. 

Despite the fact that he was flakey and overall a bad person, you weren’t the type to refrain from giving credit where it was due. After all, there were a few things that were good about him.

Well, one thing— his dick, if you were to be blunt.

Even you had to admit that it would be hard to compare to him in that regard while exploring the dating pool. He knew how to use it, and he was certainly aware of that fact. You weren’t a good girl by any means, yet you had your dignity. No matter how good his dick was, you refused to let him laze around and expect you to take care of everything in the relationship. 

So, you left. 

Toji didn’t put up most of a fight, in fact he seemed almost amused that you’d suggest such a thing in the first place. But you were serious, and he’d soon realize that when he returned to your apartment the next morning to see messily stuffed bags of his personal belongings strewn along the porch. 

To your dismay, the first few days without him were actually difficult to get through. You missed him more than you’d care to admit, though you’d profusely deny that fact to your concerned friends. You had found yourself in a depressive episode, flaking on plans and hardly ever leaving the confines of your bedroom.

He was an asshole, but there were times when his presence had been comforting to you. You would never admit it, but you missed the feeling of being cradled in his strong arms while you fell asleep against his chest, or the teasing grin that would tug on his lips before he’d kiss you. You missed the way his cologne smelled, the way he fit perfectly on your couch when he stretched. 

And, perhaps most of all, you missed how expertly he would fuck you. 

Toji probably knew your body better than you did. He’d make you cum every time without fail, working you perfectly no matter what he was using— his hands, his mouth, his cock, even one of his (far too many) toys that he’d purchased solely with you in mind. You’d scolded him more times than you could count about the fact that he’d blow an entire paycheck on dildos and vibrators, despite the extent of his already existing collection.

Not that he cared, of course. He easily silenced your protests when it came time to put them to use. 

In the weeks following your breakup, you found yourself missing his body more than you did him. Was it selfish? Absolutely. But he hadn’t necessarily been any better of a person even when you were together. It wasn’t like you wanted to miss him, either. 

But during nights when you were alone in your bed, desperately chasing relief with your fingers even though you knew Toji would have brought you there within seconds— what were you to do but miss him?

It wasn’t really your fault.

After nearly 3 weeks of moping around, you decided that he wasn’t worth the heartache. Why should you stay inside and grieve what could have been? Determined to start getting over him, you’d decided to go out for drinks after work on Friday evening.

When it came time to actually follow up with this decision, however, you had a few reservations. It wasn't going to make you feel any better about what happened, you figured. 

Nevertheless, you argued with yourself to the point that you had practically forced yourself into going.

Squeezing into the skimpiest dress you could find, you dragged yourself to a quaint, sleazy bar on the corner of the street. It was the only bar you knew of, and most likely the only one in town. You hadn’t been inside since long before you had begun to date Toji, and your memories of the place were fuzzy. All you remembered was that your roommate in college spoke highly of it, and apparently it had been good enough to get you both drunk that night.

Not like that’d take much effort, of course.

The smell of alcohol and sweat slammed into you like a brick as soon as you stepped inside. Immediately, you began to regret even considering the idea to leave your apartment, but you couldn’t find it within you to turn around and make the walk of shame back to your battered mustang. 

For the first few hours, it wasn’t too bad. You adjusted to the smell quite quickly, and loosened up once you got a few drinks in. You’d even managed to catch the attention of one of the patrons, a decent looking man with a nice smile. He offered to pay for your next round, so it wasn’t hard to make small talk and enjoy the company he provided. Apart from a few short calls from your friends throughout the weeks, he was the first person you’d spoken to since the breakup. 

As the night stretched well past the midnight mark, you began to notice the bar getting more lively. An increase of people were coming and going, the music was growing louder, the lights dimmer. The ambiance of the place had changed drastically since you’d arrived earlier that evening.

However, you were comfortable enough with the man you’d met, finding it easier and less overstimulating to focus on him and not the people around you. He made good conversation, you’d realize— his ability to make you laugh so easily was almost relieving, especially so when your laughter had been so persistent that it generated the urge for you to use the restroom.

You excused yourself apologetically from him before slipping past a large group of people, navigating the crowded room until you found the bathroom.

It was unisex, you noticed. Stupid idea for a bar, you thought to yourself before pressing open one of the double doors. By the time you've taken four steps into the bathroom, you freeze in your tracks.

No fucking way.

An all too familiar chuckle fills the small space of the restroom as you swivel on your heel to turn around, yet before you’re able to reach back up for the door, a large palm is wrapped around the base of your wrist, tugging you back inside.

“Well, well.” Toji purrs, his grip on you only seeming to get tighter as he grins down at you with amusement. 

“Let go, Toji.” you huff, refusing to even look him in the eyes. You knew you shouldn’t have left your stupid apartment! 

“Why?” he drawls, snaking his hand further up your arm as he cocks his head. “So you can get back to your new boy toy out there?” 

“Bingo.” The syllables are dripping with sarcasm, your face just as unamused. 

“Not gonna happen. Been meaning to talk to you, anyway.” 

You have to force yourself not to groan, a roll of your eyes emphasizing your annoyance as you attempt to tug your arm out of his grasp— to no avail, of course. “Not interested.”

“Sure you are.” he taunts with a smirk.

“I’m not, I assure you.”

He cocks his eyebrow and releases your arm, folding his own arms over his chest as he takes a step back from you. His eyes sweep over your frame, and the hunger that’s visible within them makes you squirm. 

After a minute of agonizing silence, he clears his throat expectantly. “For someone who isn’t interested, you’re hanging around an awfully long time, aren’t you?” 

You feel your face heat up, shooting a half-hearted glare at him. “Just talk, asshole.” 

Pleased that he’d called your bluff, he chuckles heartily, leaning casually against the bathroom wall. “That’s what I thought.”

“You don’t even like alcohol. Why are you here?” you spat at him, still refraining from looking him in the eyes.

“Figured you’d show up around this hellhole eventually.”

“You’re fucking crazy.”

“Didn’t have much of a choice, did I? Someone decided to dodge all my calls.” he points out, tapping the prominent muscle of his arm idly. 

“Blocked you, actually.” you clarify with a mumble. 

He runs a hand through his hair with a worn sigh, giving you a look of annoyance as it falls down to his hip. “Quit being difficult, will you?”

“You know a lot about that, I bet.” you retort, refusing to let him get the satisfaction of talking down at you.

You were frustrated that he was here in the first place, but even more so that he had apparently been here every day waiting for you to come. There were certainly downsides to living in a small town where every recreational spot was well known. He knew you liked to drink, so it was a no-brainer that you’d go to the only bar in town eventually. It was truly a shame that he wasn’t as stupid as you thought he was.

Lost in thought, you hardly recognized that he hadn’t responded to your little remark, his body language making it clear that he wasn’t very amused by it. However, as you finally looked up at his eyes, you’d notice that they were fixed directly to your chest. 

Face growing hot, you self-consciously tug your dress up, shooting him another glare. 

“Pervert.” you scoff at him.

He remains silent, his eyes grudgingly dragging up from the flesh of your breasts to meet yours. 

“Wouldn’t have to be if you weren’t dressed like a whore.” he retorts, his voice thickly laced with sarcasm, though you knew he wasn’t quite lying.

You had intentionally picked out the most risqué dress you could, in hope of attracting a decent amount of male attention. It wasn’t like he could blame you, though. You hadn’t had sex since you broke up with Toji, and the thought of masturbation hadn’t even crossed your mind. While dating him, you didn’t ever need to masturbate. He made you feel better than you ever could by yourself, it was almost underwhelming to do so when you had him easily ready to satisfy you. 

Toji knew this, of course. You had made it quite obvious during your relationship just how much of a slut you could be for him, so malleable and compliant to him. How could you not be? With the way he had you feeling, you were more than willing to allow him to do as he pleased with you.

Perhaps that’s why he wasn’t subtle about the way he looked at you, or why he seemed so amused that you didn’t leave when he released your arm. 

He knew he’d fucked up, but he also knew that you’d come around. Your facade of annoyance would dwindle, he just had to ease it from you.

“How I’m dressed is none of your concern.” you hiss under your breath, heat spreading throughout the bridge of your nose and the flesh of your cheeks.

“Really? Whose concern is it, then? The scrawny little prick you left waiting out there?”

Your palms curl into fists at your sides, the frustration radiating from you as you glare up at him. “It’s not your problem.” 

“Mhm. Hoping he’ll dick you down half as good as I can?” 

Blinking rapidly, you can feel your breath catch in the canal of your throat. The statement is so blunt, it’s almost enough to make you forget your frustration. But you don’t, your brows furrowing into a frown as you scowl at him.

“He’d probably do it better.” you knew that wasn’t true, but you’d rather die than admit it to him. 

Though, the statement didn’t offend him as you intended it to. In fact, it had the opposite effect— an obnoxious guffaw rumbling in his chest. He was.. laughing at you.

You felt your face get hotter. 

“You’re an awful liar, baby.” 

And hotter. “Don’t call me that.”

Toji’s laugh dies down, though he has the audacity to clutch his hand against his abdomen as if the laughter had been hurting him. 

Hopefully it’d kill him..

“Come on, who are you fooling here?” he manages between chuckles, pushing himself out of the casual lean he’d maintained against the wall as he took a few steps towards you. 

You took equal steps away from him, backing toward the wall opposite to him. “I’m serious.” You lie, your wobbly tone a spotlighted contradiction.

He’s unfazed by your movements, continuing to walk in your direction with an amused expression. “I think we both know that you’re not.”

Admittedly, he adored the subtle reactions he so easily drew out of you. He loved the way you nervously dragged your gaze away, wedging your pouty lip between your teeth as you backed into the wall behind you. Toji mirrored you, moving in closer until he was mere inches away.

“I am.” you squeak out again, the sound of your voice shrinking as he grows larger in size the closer he wanders towards you. 

Your knees felt weak below you. It was almost surreal how easily he rendered you so helpless, all you were able to focus on was the feeling of your heartbeat ramming repeatedly into the inner lining of your chest. 

“Yeah?” he whispers, the heat radiating off of his immense physique suffocating you. The smell of his faint cologne filled your nose, and that scent alone was nearly enough to drive you crazy. Knowing him, he’d intentionally worn it to have this very effect on you, to have you gazing up at him so desperately while maintaining that stubborn look in your eyes. 

You swallow the lump in your throat, nervously chewing at the plush of your bottom lip without even realizing it. The gleam in his hungry gaze had you weak, his proximity causing you to feel small. He caged you against the wall with his arms at either side of you, his head dipping down so he could observe your reaction. The black strands of his hair fell synchronously, yet they didn’t shield his piercing eyes from you.

“You’re serious, right?” he mumbles, the warmth of his breath fanning against the flesh of your neck making you painfully aware of just how close he was to you.

You nod, almost helplessly. You were most definitely not serious, and he knew that. He knew it by the way your thighs pressed together, a sign he easily recognized as an effort to prevent your heat from spreading from the confines of the space between them.

“Stop me, then.” Toji whispers, lowering his head further and pressing his lips against yours. 

The little gasp you let out allows him to slide his tongue into your mouth, prodding it against your own wet muscle with ease. A calloused hand slides down from the wall and hooks against the fleshy handle of your hips, tugging your melting frame into him. His knee easily parts your latched legs, a soft and surprised whimper filling his mouth as the cap of it presses easily up your dress and against your clothed cunt.

He’s kissing you lazily, his mouth uncharacteristically languid as it pressed against yours. You were overwhelmed by his taste, the prominence of his tongue fulfilling an ache you didn’t even know that you had. So overwhelmed, in fact, that you almost whined out in protest when he withdrew for a short instance to catch his breath. 

“Stop me.” he repeats with a whisper, the warm sensation of his breath grazing your lips. Without giving you a moment to protest, his mouth is gravitating back into yours, a low grunt of satisfaction rumbling in his throat.

Despite your stubborn reservations, you knew you didn’t want him to stop. He always knew exactly how to work you up, and it’d be outrageous to pretend that there wasn’t a part of you that’d missed him for that very reason.

Toji uproots his wet lips from your mouth, pressing them instead against the sensitive flesh of your throat. Easily locating your pulse point, he nips at the skin, the sound of your whiny little moan making his cock twitch. 

“You want me to stop?” he taunts, his tongue prodding into the dull bite marks he’d created.

Your response is evident, a desperate back and forth tugging of your head.

His mouth, which had been moving in tune with your whimpers, slowed expectantly as he felt you shaking your head so frantically. “Didn’t hear you.” he grunts, threatening you with the possibility of his departure.

“Don’t stop..” you plead with him in a broken voice, your eyelids heavy with arousal as you felt his knee teasingly dig a little harder against your heat. 

He smirks against your throat. “You gonna quit whining and be a good girl?” 

“I will.” you assure him, the desperation in your voice leaving no room for doubt that you were more than willing to submit to him once again. 

“Say it.” he urges, his knee digging further up between your legs as he tauntingly dragged the cap of it against your clothed heat.

“I’ll- ah! … be a good girl!” you huff out in a soft hiss, your thighs squeezing around his leg as you pant out from the contact. 

You hadn’t even realized just how much you had missed him. 

With a groan of acknowledgement, Toji suddenly pulls away from you. You cry out softly in protest, slightly lifting your head up to reveal your pleading eyes to him. You’d promised to be good, hadn’t you? Why did he stop? He’d taken a step away from you, dragging his knee out from where it’d been wedged between your legs and giving you space to move from the bathroom wall. 

You whine out his name in a breathless whimper, subtly poking your lip out in a pout. 

“Not here.” He huffs out, motioning to your surroundings. Given how crowded the bar was in the first place, you were lucky someone hadn’t entered the bathroom sooner.

“Who cares?” You huff, unable to disguise the impatience in your tone as a familiar cork of arousal winds deep within your gut. He was the one who’d gotten you like this in the first place, anyway.

Toji lazily weaves his hand into your hair the next moment, a sharp tug of his wrist pulling you forward before you could process it. A gasp of pain flutters past your lips, but you’re too stunned to protest as he lowers his mouth down to whisper into your ear.

“I don’t want to hear you complain.” He murmurs, his voice low with warning as he gauges your reaction. 

Your lips parted as you prepared to protest, but the creak of the door swinging open immediately had you pressing them closed as you straightened your posture. 

He doesn’t seem nearly as bothered as a tall woman struts in, the sound of her heels clicking on the tile overbearing the awkward silence that filled the bathroom. 

“Excuse us.” He purrs, allowing his hand to fall from its original position in your hair to instead lock around your waist. “We were just leaving.” 

The woman’s petrified expression immediately reminded you of your disheveled state— your slightly unkempt hair and the crumpled dress that’d been rolled up above your thighs. You scuffle to rearrange the clothing, your face hot as you shoot her an apologetic look. 

Toji notices the silent interaction, however, and doesn’t hesitate to butt in with a smirk. “Sorry about that.” his tone was sincere, yet he was unable to mask the amusement in his expression. “She had too much to drink. Couldn’t hold herself together.” 

You bite your tongue, forcing yourself not to shout at him as you give the woman a sickeningly innocent smile. 

“She’s very sorry, isn’t she?” He continues, to your horror. His eyes travel back down to you, a taunting gaze within them as he squeezes your waist. 

“Yes, I’m sorry.” you mumble through gritted teeth. 

The woman waves her hands dismissively and hurries to an open stall, not a word from her. Embarrassed beyond belief, you swat Toji’s leg as hard as you can, tugging free of his grasp as you scurry out of the bathroom. 

“You’re such an asshole!” you hiss at him, huffing out in frustration as he wraps his arm around your waist again. 

His stupid grin only widens as he navigates the crowded room, assumingly headed for the exit. “And you’re still leaving with me.”

[chichiscloset]

WHAT IS THIS SEASON OF LIFE TRYING TO TEACH YOU?

When you’re in pursuit of the life of your dreams along the journey there will be many seasons. Some seasons will be triumphant and you’ll feel like anything is possible, while others will be so difficult you’ll be unsure how you’re even going to make it through this season of life.

I want you ladies to remember, and as a reminder to myself as well, that the only constant in life is change. When change comes are you able to withstand the turbulence of life while remaining faithful and focused? And when things are great can you show gratitude for all that you prayed for and received?

“To whom much is given, much will be required”

I love that quote! It’s a reminder that if you want a lot you have to go through a lot. The best things in life are found through effort and experience. I know the “soft life” has convinced us all that being a “bad bitch” is enough to achieve the life of your dreams. However, in reality, that’s not all it takes! The life of your dreams doesn’t just appear! It is a treasure, and like a treasure, a hunt is required because you only find what you seek!

God/the universe, whatever you believe in, is always guiding you to become your best self. Let life mold into what you need to become, so that you can receive the desires of your heart. There is a lesson to learn in every season, and it’s your job to have enough wisdom to let life be your teacher.

At the end of the day, as much as we all want to, there is no avoiding the process or the discomfort that different season bring. If you are not already born into money you’re going to have to figure out how to get everything you dream of. Which means, you’ll have to go through some thangs!

How to embrace each session if your life?

I. PRAY

Pray, pray, pray.

Seriously! Without getting too religious, prayer works! Plenty of the darkest seasons of my life required a crap ton of prayer to get through the days. You have to remember nothing is happening to you, and everything is happening for you. You are where you are because that’s where you’re supposed to be. Trust that God has a plan, and it’s more beautiful than anything you could imagine.

Pray for guidance, pray for clarity, and pray for wisdom. Prayer has a way of providing calm in the midst of a storm.

II. SLOW DOWN

Take a moment to reflect on everything that lead you to where you are today.

Realize that some days will be productive, while others will feel like you aren’t doing hardly enough. We are all human, and growth is never linear. If you’re always moving and doing it’s hard to hear your intuition. It’s ok to slow down and listen to what the universe is trying to tell you.

III.FIND A NEW PART OF YOU TO EXPLORE

As humans we’re always evolving. We change the way we dress, the activities we enjoy, who/how we like to spend our time, and everything in between.

As you enter a new season of being take the time to reflect on what’s changing about yourself. Is it a change you like? Are you regressing? Take the time to explore and get to know this new version of yourself. Be curious without being judgemental.

IV. PRACTICE GRATITUDE

Practicing gratitude is the quickest way to call more good into your life. By being thankful for the good things in your life, no matter how big or small they may be it allows you to focus on the positive aspects of your life and acknowledge the good things that have come your way.

Some ways to practice gratitude include keeping a gratitude journal and expressing gratitude to others, taking time to appreciate nature, and focusing on the present moment. By practicing gratitude regularly, you can improve your overall well-being and increase your happiness, and better weather any season in your life.

Ultimately, accepting the changes and transitions that come with different stages of life, whether they be joyful or challenging. It means acknowledging that life is a journey with ups and downs, and learning to appreciate each moment for what it is. By embracing the seasons of life, we can grow, learn, and become more resilient individuals.

Until we talk again ❤️

Chichi

[stevie-petey]

episode three: holly, jolly

Jonathan, your Jonathan, would never do this.  He tries to approach you again but you find yourself stumbling back, knocking against Steve’s chest. Hurt flashes in his eyes, you’ve never flinched at Jonathan’s touch, but what he did has changed everything.  Steve places a hand on your shoulder. “See, you can tell that he knows it was wrong, but that’s the thing about perverts. It’s hard-wired into them. They just can’t help themselves.”  He begins tearing up the pictures, and you can’t believe Jonathan of all people is making you agree with Harrington, yet here you are.

summary: you and jonathan talk it out and things are better (spoiler alert: they aren't), you somehow end up agreeing with steve harrington ?? then you have a minor breakdown in front of the kids and once again fail to prevent them from experiencing more trauma.

rating: general, slight cursing.

warnings: cursing, use of the word “slut”, fem!reader, use of y/n, and description of a dead body. this chapter is pure angst, steve is steve, jonathan is jonathan, and... well. we know how this episode ends.

words: 6.2k

before you swing in: hello ! i'm currently in the early stages of chapter 5, and it's a loooong chapter, so i figured i'd treat y'all to this one before taking my time with updating. this chapter was a bit difficult in terms of bug and jonathan, but i promise that they'll have more time later to really figure out why they keep clashing - for better or for worse lol. if their relationship feels stilted: that's why ! after all, season 1 is literally titled: we don't talk about it or have the time. the title has immense meaning for the overall tone of season 1 (and the song for the series shhh). anyways, enjoy <3

-

The next day you bike to school alone, not bothering to see if Jonathan’s car will pick you up as usual. 

The two of you have never fought before, at least not like this. From the moment you met him when you were twelve, there has never been a time where the two of you haven’t been on the same page. You’ve been in sync from the moment you met. 

Now it feels like everything is off between the two of you. It feels as if the tiny planet you live on is now off kilter, angled ever so slightly now, rotating out of sync. The change is almost imperceptible, but it’s there. You can feel it. 

Last night just proved that there’s something wrong with your relationship with Jonathan, but you can’t figure out what.

Jonathan has never yelled at you before, and you’ve never turned your back on him; then again, he’s also never kept anything from you. While he didn’t admit it last night, you know him. He was hiding something from you last night and it frightens you that he seems too ashamed to tell you what it is. 

You trust him, you do, but the guilt you saw in his eyes makes you uneasy. 

As you walk the school hallway towards your locker, you overhear some girls from your English class talking about Steve and Nancy. You normally wouldn’t eavesdrop on such a conversation, but the girls were talking obnoxiously loud and by the tone of their voice, they weren’t being kind about what they were saying. 

“I heard Harrington got little Miss Wheeler to sleep with him.” One of the girls giggles, looking around to make sure no one is listening.  

“What a slut!” Her friend sneers.

You clear your throat loudly, making sure they hear it, and send a glare their way. “Well, aren’t you guys just peachy?” 

The girls lower their eyes and shift uncomfortably, which pleases you. Good. They should feel bad. What does it matter if Nancy slept with Harrington? It’s always the girls who get labeled the slut, never the man who has slept with more girls than classes he’s passed. 

Typical. 

You roll your eyes at them and continue towards your locker, spotting the couple in question up ahead. Your locker is a few down from Nancy’s and usually you’ve been able to avoid their gross lovey-dovey sessions in the mornings since Jonathan is always running late, but since you didn’t ride with him, you’re forced to deal with two hormonal teens who you don’t necessarily like. 

“Hey, Henderson!” 

Steve stops you as you walk past, causing you to look up in confusion. “Yeah?” 

“How’s Byers doing? Ya know, with everything going on?”

You stare at him, trying to figure out what the punchline is supposed to be. Steve may not be a massive dick, but he’s still a dick, and you can’t imagine he’d ever ask about Jonathan given the fact that he can’t even remember Will’s name. 

“He’s… dealing.” You say, uncomfortable with the entire conversation. 

Steve nods, letting out a slight hum. “Well, tell your guy that any friend of Henderson’s is a friend of mine.” He sends a wink Nancy’s way, and it’s then that you figure out what he’s doing. He’s playing the nice guy card, trying to impress her with his “generosity”, and you’ve had enough of idiotic and emotionally constipated men these last 24 hours. 

“Funny, I don’t tell my friends to get fucked, yet here we are: get fucked, Harrington.” Steve’s eyes widen at your words, taken aback, and Nancy goes to say something but you cut her off. “You sure know how to pick ‘em, Nancy. Why don’t you ask him why everyone’s staring at you? I’m sure it’ll be a thrilling conversation.”

You shove past the two of them and make your way to class. 

– 

You don’t see Jonathan for your next three classes, which only makes your shitty day worse. Not only have you guys never fought before, but you’ve never done the silent treatment either. As far as you can tell, there’s no reason for him not to be in class today besides your fight the night before. 

When it’s your lunch hour you try to find him, because at this point you just want to put it all behind you and move on to focus on Will. You never got the chance to tell Jonathan about El last night, you hadn’t had the time to before things blew up. 

You wait at your usual corner of the lunchroom for Jonathan, but he never appears. You sigh in defeat and pick at your meal, which honestly looks more like prison food than anything else, trying to figure out what you should do next. 

While you’re thinking, Carol’s obnoxious moans carry through the lunchroom. “Oh, Steve! Steeeve!”

Tommy joins in now, banging the table to get a bigger reaction. You see Steve trying not to smile at their antics, but it’s obvious to everyone how uncomfortable Nancy is. You feel pity for her, she deserves better than Harrington and his immature friends. Then again, you suppose she chose this for herself the second she started dating him. 

King Steve has never hidden who he is. 

You watch as Steve says something to appease her, but something catches Nancy’s eye and she turns to face it. Curious, you turn as well and spot Jonathan staring right back at her. They share a look, one that you can’t decipher, and you feel something twist within your stomach. 

It’s not jealousy, at least, not in that way. Jonathan is your only real friend in Hawkins (the kids don’t count, you recognize how embarrassing that is), and you’ve never had to share him before. Clearly Nancy has taken an interest in him of some sort and Jonathan, being ever the private person, has allowed her to, so you just have to swallow down your pride and accept it. 

Besides, you did always tell Jonathan that the two of you needed more friends. 

Taking a deep breath to will your nerves away, you ditch your lunch and follow after Jonathan. Screw whatever silent treatment is in place, he’s your best friend and you honestly don’t think it’s possible for you to ever be angry at him. It just isn’t in your nature. 

For better or for worse, you could never hate Jonathan Byers. 

You catch Jonathan as he’s leaving the photo developing room. He’s holding some pictures in his hands but quickly hides them away when he sees you. 

“Y/N, hi.” 

You ignore the voice in the back of your head telling you that something’s wrong, that he’s still acting weird with you, but you ignore it because you just want some normalcy in your life. You need your best friend. “Hey,”

“Look, I’m so sorry for what I said last night…” 

You brush him off, “It’s okay, I promise.”

Jonathan huffs at you, exasperated as always whenever you let people get away with things that they shouldn’t. “No, it’s not okay. You’ve been nothing short of amazing and I was the dick who yelled at you for it.” 

The two of you are walking out of the school as you talk, and you let out a weak laugh. “I guess you were pretty awful, huh?”

He doesn’t laugh along with you, instead shaking his head in shame. “You didn’t deserve that, not after all you’ve done for me and my mom. I was lying through my teeth last night, you are family, Y/N.” 

“I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s genuinely okay-” 

“Bug, I was a dick. End of discussion. I just… sometimes it feels like I don’t deserve your help, you do so much for us. I let it get to me last night, and I’ll never stop apologizing for it.”

You don’t know what to say, caught off guard by the vulnerability. “Just… don’t do that again, alright? If something is bothering you I’d rather you tell me about it than take your frustration out on me.”

“Deal.”

“Anything else on your mind?” 

Jonathan thinks for a moment and you can tell he’s trying to word whatever is on his mind correctly. “While I know you’ve always loved to help, there’s some things that I have to do on my own, okay? Will, my mom… they’re my responsibility, not yours. I mean, not in a bad way-” 

“Hey, I understand. I need to back off a bit, I recognize that now. I’m sorry, bee.” You kick at a rock in the parking lot, “so we’ve got ourselves a deal?” 

The boy gives you a quizzical look and you laugh at him, extending your hand. When he grabs it, you turn the hold into a handshake. “I’ll calm down my fretting antics and you’ll come to me about whatever is on your mind, no matter what; we don’t hide anything from each other.”

The slight smile Jonathan briefly had on his face vanishes. He pales slightly and quickly releases your hand. “Right.” 

You eye him. “Bee, what aren’t you telling me?”

Caught up in conversation, you and Jonathan don’t see Steve and his gang resting against his car until it’s too late. 

“Hey, man.” Steve approaches, effectively ending your conversation with Jonathan. He glances at you. “Henderson, good to see you again.” 

“I highly doubt it.” 

“What’s going on?” Jonathan asks, putting himself between you and Steve. 

“Nicole here was telling us about your work.”  

Confused, you look at Jonathan. “What, did you start another photo series or something?” 

Steve laughs coldly. “You could say that.” 

Jonathan ignores him and pulls you close behind him, ducking his head down to whisper into your ear, “it’s not what it looks like, trust me.” 

“Bee, what-”

“Henderson, want to take a look with us as, you know, connoisseurs of art?” 

You look at Steve now, more confused than ever, but you feel a slight sense of dread. You know that whatever photo he’s about to pull out will be bad. You know it’ll be connected to Jonathan’s behavior last night, to the guilt he’s been carrying, to the way he hid the same pictures from you not even ten minutes ago. 

You look back to Jonathan now, silently pleading with him for more of an explanation, but he averts his eyes. Exhaling deeply, you face Steve. “Show me.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jonathan says, trying to walk away, but Tommy grabs at his backpack. 

“Hey!” You run up to Tommy and start pulling at the bag, but the guy is twice your size and easily wins, accidentally flinging you to the ground. 

Jonathan runs over to check on you. “Y/N!”

At the same time, Steve berates his friend. “Woah, Tommy, easy man! Henderson isn’t who we’re here for, leave her out of this.” 

Both boys crouch next to you and offer you a hand, but you bat them away. You’re irritated and confused and pissed the fuck off at both of them right now for vastly different reasons. You pick yourself up and brush away some dirt that got on your jeans. “Show me the photos, Jonathan.” 

He looks at you, hurt. “Do you not trust me?” 

“Do you trust me?” Your words hang in the air.

Steve is now right behind you. “Oh man he’s like, totally trembling. He must really have something to hide.” 

Jonathan tries to step closer to you, but Steve is now the one who blocks him. You watch silently as he unzips Jonathan’s bag and pulls out the photos, ignoring the pleading look that your friend sends your way. You trust Jonathan more than anyone else in this world, but something doesn’t feel right. 

The photos are tame at first, though admittedly creepy. They’re all still shots of Steve and his friends from the night before, you recognize the famous pool that the whole school talks about when it comes to Harrington’s parties. 

“Your boyfriend is a creep, Y/N.” Steve says, nudging you with his shoulder as he continues to flick through the pictures. 

“He isn’t my-” 

“I was looking for my brother.”

Jonathan’s words make you freeze. “You went looking for Will without me?” 

Steve says something else, but you don’t catch it. You stare at Jonathan, hurt that he’d search for Will without even telling you first. He’s his brother, you understand that, but what would you do if Jonathan went missing too?

Nancy then appears, causing Jonathan to finally look up to catch your eye, but he quickly looks away. “Here’s the starring lady!”

She laughs nervously. “What?”

Carol explains what was going on, and you’re too upset to speak. There’s too many thoughts going through your mind, but when Carol flashes you a picture of Nancy, naked, it takes everything in you not to throw up. 

Jonathan, your Jonathan, would never do this. 

He tries to approach you again but you find yourself stumbling back, knocking against Steve’s chest. Hurt flashes in his eyes, you’ve never flinched at Jonathan’s touch, but what he did has changed everything. 

Steve places a hand on your shoulder. “See, you can tell that he knows it was wrong, but that’s the thing about perverts. It’s hard-wired into them. They just can’t help themselves.” 

He begins tearing up the pictures, and you can’t believe Jonathan of all people is making you agree with Harrington, yet here you are. 

Nancy is his girlfriend, and even outside of that, Jonathan had no right taking pictures of her naked without her consent. You agree with Steve’s actions, but then the camera comes into play. He reaches for Jonathan’s camera, causing him to dive forward to stop anything from happening to it, and it’s finally what breaks you from your shock. 

You react as well, shoving past Steve to try and get to the camera first, but it’s no use. He beats you to it, Carol now holding you back as she digs her claws into your skin. Jonathan is being held back by Tommy, and all the two of you can do is watch helplessly as Steve dangles the camera high in the air. 

What Jonathan did was wrong, there’s no denying that, but you know how long it took him to save up for the thing. How many awful shifts he picked up at the theater to pay for it, adamantly refusing any money both you and Joyce offered him to help pay for it. 

This camera was his and his alone. Paid for with his own money, bought for his own enjoyment, his pride and joy. 

“Here you go, man.” Without even hesitating, Steve lets the camera fall to the ground. 

You gasp, watching as the lens shatters and you crouch down to try and piece it back together. Your hands are shaking, you don’t know what to feel right now, but with how badly your hands shake, it’s no use trying to fix the camera; you need something to distract yourself with. 

Jonathan and Nancy join you on the ground, but you’re too overwhelmed to really notice them. The combination of emotions leaves you wondering if you’re about to cry, throw up, or both. It’s only when Nancy begins snatching up the torn pictures that you acknowledge her presence. 

You grab her hand and catch her eye, “I’m so, so sorry.”

She doesn’t respond, only giving you a slightly confused look, and you recognize how stupid it is that you feel the need to apologize for Jonathan’s actions. You aren’t his keeper, and until now you never even considered he’d do something like this, and yet the guilt creeps in. You open your mouth to say something else, but Steve calls her over to join them and she leaves. 

Jonathan is still next to you, remaining silent even after Nancy’s departure. You can feel his eyes on you as you continue to fumble with the broken camera pieces as a gust of wind blows away the remaining photo shreds. 

“Shit!” A shard of glass from the lens cuts your finger, drawing blood. 

“Bug, let me-” Jonathan grabs at your hand to inspect the cut, but you pull away harshly. 

“Don’t touch me!” 

“Y/N…” The hurt look on his face is almost enough to make you crack, but the blood drips from your finger and falls onto a picture that somehow didn’t blow away. You look at it, seeing the outline of Nancy’s back in the photo, her beautiful side profile perfectly captured. 

The urge to throw up returns. 

“You’re hurt, let me look at it.” Jonathan pleads, his voice soft, with more empathy than he’s ever shown you these last few days. It’s as if last night never happened. As if you’re some idiot who is always ready and willing to come crawling back to those who discard you whenever they please. 

In a way, you suppose that you are. 

You hate it. 

Jonathan tries to grab your hand again but you stand up before he can. “I said don’t touch me.” 

He tries to grab you once more but again you pull away. Your brain is a mess right now trying to comprehend everything that happened within the last fifteen minutes. You look down at the broken camera pieces still laying on the ground, its glass reflecting in the late afternoon light. 

Those photos of Nancy… 

God, you’re an idiot. 

“Nancy is the reason you were such an asshole to me last night, isn’t she?”

“Y/N, those photos-”

“You knew that the second I looked at you I’d know you’d done something terrible.”

Jonathan is silent beside you, but you don’t need to hear whatever excuse he’ll give you to know that you’re right. Instead of telling you what he did last night, he kicked you out of his home in a guilt-crazed daze, saying horrible things to you that he can never take back. 

Instead of being honest with you, he had been a goddamn coward who hurt you in the cruelest way possible. 

Jonathan runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Look, you know I’ve never been able to lie to you-”

“So naturally you resorted to screaming at me and saying we aren’t family-”

“I regret what I said, but how was I supposed to tell you about the photos if I don’t even know why I took them in the first place?” 

You start pacing around the parking lot, too overwhelmed to stay put. Jonathan’s words only confuse and upset you more. In the midst of your frantic pacing the cut on your finger begins to bleed more, which causes you to wince and catch Jonathan’s attention.

“Bug, you’re in pain,” his voice is gentle now, the worried crease between his brows now prominent in a way that you’ve always found cute. “I’m not just going to stand around while you’re hurt. Let me help.” 

Unfortunately for Jonathan, his words only piss you off more. 

“You’re not just going to stand around while I’m hurt? That’s fucking rich coming from you, Jonathan.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“This entire week I’ve been hurting! I mean,” you let out a laugh laced with tears threatening to spill out. “I lost Will too, did you ever consider that? And I understand he’s your brother and I would lose my mind if anything ever happened to Dustin, but I’ve done nothing but love and support you through this shit show and you haven’t even asked how I’m holding up. I mean, what kind of best friend does that?”

Shame washes over Jonathan. “I didn’t think-” 

“I’ve been exhausting myself trying to help and not once have I considered it a burden because I’m doing this for Will, for you. I’m doing what any decent person is supposed to do, and I’m not asking for praise or-or for a reward but holy fuck, Jonathan! I mean, I understand now that maybe I was bit too much but,”

You’re yelling at him now, all the frustration you’ve been swallowing down these last few days now spills out. “At least treat me like a human being! I mean, the stunt you pulled last night was such bullshit and I was ready to excuse your actions because you’re my best friend and you’re hurting, but then you hide those damn photos from me? Scream at me like I’m some pathetic fucking child because you’re too ashamed of your own actions? We don’t lie to each other.”

Jonathan steps towards you and it isn’t until he’s cradling your head in his hands to wipe away your tears do you realize you’re crying. He’s so tender, gently wiping the tears as they fall, and you feel weak against him, closing your eyes as you soak up the affection. 

“Bug…” His voice cracks, not knowing what else to say. 

You open your eyes now. “You went looking for Will without me… did you even think about what your mom would do if you disappeared too? What I would do if you disappeared?”

“I…”

“And Nancy…” you pull away so that he’s no longer touching you. “That was a line I never thought you would cross. And to lie to me about it, I just… why?”

Jonathan shakes his head, a few tears of his own now beginning to fall. “I don’t know.” 

There’s nothing else you can say; you’ve drained all your energy. A headache is beginning to form and with the parking lot clearing out, indicating the end of the school day, you know you need to leave for work soon. 

Normally when you look at Jonathan, you feel a sense of security, but now all you feel is dread. His shoulders are hunched, the bags under his eyes darker than ever, and at this moment you’re not sure you know who he is anymore. It terrifies the shit out of you. 

“I should go,” you wipe your nose with your sleeve, side stepping Jonathan as you start walking towards the bike stand. 

“You’re leaving?” There’s fear in his voice, and you can hear the undertones of are you leaving me, too?

“I have to work tonight, so I need to-” 

“Let me drive you then, it’s cold and-and we can talk more about this-”

He follows you to your bike and you feel such pity for him. You know he’s right about needing to talk more, but all you want right now is to crawl into bed and pretend that this whole week has been a dream. A horrible, awful dream. 

You offer Jonathan your hand, the cut on your finger no longer bleeding, and intertwine your fingers with his. “I want to be alone right now, okay? Please, just give me some time.” 

He wants to argue with you, you can see it in his eyes, but just like you know him better than anyone else, he knows you just as well. He knows there’s no use trying to change your mind when you get like this; when the feelings become too much and solitude is your only solution. It's happened before in the past, but never with him. 

All he can do is wait for you to come back when you're ready. 

“Okay, I can do that.” 

You squeeze his hand, like you always do, before you let go and bike away. 

He watches as you leave. 

– 

Tonight’s shift is another slow one, which you’re grateful for. 

It was just last week that Jonathan had been driving you, Will, and Dustin to school. You’d been singing some song on the radio and the November air had a slight nostalgia of August warmth. Will and Dustin complained about your singing as you wailed on, Jonathan eventually joining in so that the two younger boys could only cover their ears with their hands and groan in annoyance. 

Now Will is gone, taking the August warmth with him and leaving behind only November cold that leaves your bones feeling raw. 

The laughter is gone, and now you’re afraid that your best friend is gone as well. 

You come home to an empty house, a note on the kitchen counter informing you that your mother is at her knitting club and that Dustin is off with his friends. 

Wonderful. Your brother has once again gone off on some adventure without informing you first. What a lovely addition to your already horrible day. 

You call the Wheeler’s first, hoping that maybe you don’t have to bike around the entire town to find the little shit, but like always: you’re mistaken. 

“I’m sorry, but the boys went out biking right after school.” 

“Oh, lovely then. Thanks, Mrs. Wheeler, have a good night.” 

“You too, dear!”

As soon as you hang up, you allow yourself a moment to just scream. The headache that formed during your fight with Jonathan hasn’t left, you’re tired, you have so much homework that you’re too afraid to even look at, and you still have no idea who El is or what she really knows about Will. 

And now you have to bike all around Hawkins to find said girl, because there’s no way the morons have listened to your orders to stay put with her. 

You check Lucas’ house first, but Erica tells you that they aren’t there and requests that you inform Lucas that her lying fee has been raised to $5. 

“That’s a bit steep, don’t you think?”

“Do you wanna pay?”

“Good point, have a good night then Erica.”

You then search around the middle school, but there’s no sign of them anywhere. After another thirty minutes of nothing, you finally give in to your hunch and bike to the Byers. You’re not sure if Jonathan will be home, but your idiot brother may need you, so you just have to suck it up and check. 

Ultimately you’re glad you do, because as you ride up the driveway you see the boys circling around El. 

“Why did you bring us here?” 

“I have a better question Mike, why did you bring us here?” None of the kids had noticed your arrival, so they all jump at your voice. 

Dustin’s face goes pale. “Y/N! What-what are you doing here?”

“I’ve been looking for you little assholes for an hour now,” you park your bike and step closer to the kids. “Why do you never listen to me when I tell you guys to keep me updated, huh? Do I have a giant sign on my head that says ‘hey, ignore me and treat me like utter shit!’, is that it?” 

No one responds, too stunned by your words. You never cuss at them, and apart from last night, they don’t think they’ve ever seen you so angry before. 

“I’m just so sick and tired of people treating me like I’m some throwaway toy, just casting me aside and forgetting about me until it’s convenient. I have feelings too, isn’t that a wild concept? I mean, who knew Y/N Henderson had any real emotions behind her pathetic need to help everyone around her!” 

Dustin can hear the hurt in your voice and knows that this isn’t just about them sneaking off. You’re upset about something else, someone hurt you and he needs to know who, so he softly asks, “Y/N, what happened?” 

You spin around to face him. “Nothing! That’s what happened! None of you told me anything, everyone has just decided to keep me out of the loop because god forbid I deserve any honesty after years of being there for you guys-”

“Okay, this is definitely about Jonathan then.” Lucas mumbles, which Mike nods in agreement to. 

“This is not about Jonathan-” The sound of sirens cuts you off. 

Everyone freezes, and your heart stops. This is Hawkins, where nothing ever happens; cops don’t just go flying down the street late at night. 

You know, even before you can fully comprehend how, that it’s Will. You can feel it; the sirens are for him, the precious boy you’ve come to love like your own brother. 

Then, to confirm your fears, an ambulance follows behind the line of cop cars, and you feel your entire world shatter.  

“Will…” Mike exhales, and the second the name leaves his lips everyone scrambles for their bikes to follow the cars. 

You know you shouldn’t, you know this won’t end well, but it’s Will. Maybe he’s alive, maybe he simply got lost in the woods and has been wandering around the last three days or so. There’s so many other possibilities, an endless array of explanations, and yet…

Your legs feel heavy as you pedal after the kids. You know that, no matter what you guys end up finding, that nothing will ever be the same again. As you follow, the route you take begins to look familiar, back when you and Jonathan would spend your summers exploring the forest and its surroundings. 

The quarry. 

Suddenly you can’t breathe. “I… I can’t-” 

“Y/N, we have to see if it’s Will!” Dustin calls behind him, too eager to realize exactly where you guys are going. 

If you could just warn them, maybe speed up to block their paths, you could convince them to turn around, but it’s too late. The five of you arrive at the quarry’s edge and toss your bikes behind the fire truck. You see the firemen in the water, sloshing around for something, and you realize what they’re doing a second too late.

Immediately you begin to pull the kids away, not wanting them to see what you desperately hope you’re wrong about, but you’re too late. “Guys, get away from the truck, we shouldn’t be here-”

You’re always too fucking late. 

“Please, we need to leave,” your voice shakes as you try to shield the kids from the sight of Will’s body being pulled from the water.

Mike pulls away from you. “No, it’s not Will. It can’t be.” 

“Mike…” 

The firemen lift the raft up higher and the light lands on Will’s lifeless body, and you feel a piece of you die. He’s always been the smallest of the boys, but as the men lift his dead body out of the water, he’s never looked so small. Will is gone; he’s taken all the light with him. 

Dustin reaches for your hand and is the first to start crying. You pull him into your chest as he sobs. Lucas looks over at you, a silent acceptance in his eyes. “It’s Will. It’s really Will.” 

You grab the boy and pull him into you as well, the two of them now crying as you hold them. All you can do right is hold your boys, staring off into space as you feel them shake with grief against you. This isn’t real. 

From the corner of your eye you see El approaching Mike, and you’re too numb to warn her against it. “Mike…” 

“‘Mike’? ‘Mike,’ what?” He slaps her hand away, which causes you to become alert. He’s hurting, you know Mike loved Will more than anyone else, but he’ll only hurt himself more if he pushes everyone away. 

“Mike, I know you’re upset-” 

He faces you, a betrayed look in his eyes. “Upset? She was supposed to help us find him alive. She said he was alive!” he turns to El now, “why did you lie to us? What’s wrong with you?”

As he yells at the girl you hear his own tears beginning to form, and as you hold his friends, you lean closer to Mike and use your other hand to console him, but he begins to run away. 

Dustin and Lucas watch helplessly as their friend leaves, you all call after him but are ignored. They beg him to stay, too scared to be separated once more now that Will is gone, but Mike doesn’t listen. He grabs his bike, leaving you and the boys alone with El. 

She looks at you, tears in her eyes and a pleading look on her face. She’s looking to you for reassurance, to console her and tell her that everything will be okay with Mike, that he’ll forgive her, but you can’t. 

You also feel betrayed by the girl. You don’t think she was lying, in a sense, but then how can she explain Will’s dead body 50 feet away? El promised you and the boys that Will was alive, but he’s not. 

Tears start to fall down her face. “Y/N?”

You’re sure that when you look back on this moment later, you will have wished that you had done something braver, something more kind to the terrified girl, but you don’t. Instead of wrapping her into your arms alongside Lucas and Dustin, you give El a curt shake of your head, dismissing her. 

It hurts to watch her leave, and you’re ashamed of yourself, but then Dustin lets out another sob while Lucas tightens his hold around you, and you know that you’ve made the right choice for now. You don’t know El or her intentions, but her actions have hurt the people you love the most, and right now you have to put them first. 

You let the boys cry, barely registering anything else. 

– 

Later, much later, after getting Lucas home and tucking Dustin into bed, you finally allow yourself to grieve. You lay in your bed, staring at the framed drawing on your desk that Will had made you for your birthday this year. It was a sweet gift, having drawn you as a princess in one of their DnD campaigns with your sword and shield. Jonathan stands next to you in the picture, holding his own sword and wearing a crown, while Will and the boys are next to him, dressed in their own armor. 

In the picture the six of you are facing a dragon, but there’s a smile on all of your faces as you fight the creature together. You, Jonathan, and your boys; together, there’s nothing that you guys cannot defeat.

It’s your favorite drawing of Will’s. 

And now it’s your last drawing from him. 

The tears come slowly at first, then all at once. You find yourself hunched over, letting out anguished sobs as you mourn for the boy, for Jonathan and Joyce, for your brother and his friends. You mourn for the Byers losing a child, a brother. You mourn for your brother’s now tainted childhood. He’s too young, they all are too young to be experiencing such a loss. 

Will was too young. 

You cry until there’s nothing left within you, and yet the sobs still wrack against your body long after the tears have dried up. It’s a pain like no else. 

Then, as you’re finally beginning to calm down, you hear a knock at your window. 

You get up and fling your curtain open to find Jonathan on the other side. 

Neither of you say anything as you open the window and let him in. Once he’s inside the two of you face each other, unmoving and silent for what feels like years. There’s still a tension there from earlier, though this afternoon feels like decades ago. Jonathan stares at you, a guarded and unsure look on his face, as though he’s afraid that if he breaks in front of you that you’ll push him away. 

Instead, you surprise him by throwing yourself against his chest and into his arms. 

You’re not sure who begins to cry first, but it doesn’t matter. His cries only make you cry harder, having never seen your best friend this heartbroken before, and it’s all so fucking unfair. He doesn’t deserve this, no one does, but especially not Jonathan. He loved his brother so much, with such an intensity that rivaled your own love for Dustin. 

Jonathan pulls away a bit so that he can look at you; tears stream down his face. “He’s gone, bug.” 

“Bee,” you don’t know what more to say. What can you even say? While it feels like your heart has been ripped from your chest along with your bones, you know it only feels worse for Jonathan. No words could ever soothe that ache. 

“He’s gone,”

You grab at his jacket and gently guide him so that you sit on your bed. “Jonathan, look at me.” It takes some coaxing, but eventually he listens. “I’m here, okay? I’m here.”

Your voice cracks at the end, your own grief getting in the way, but it’s all you can say right now. You’re not sure how else to phrase it, how else to tell him that even if everything and everyone else is gone, you’re still here. You’ll never, ever leave him, especially not when he needs you the most now. 

Despite the vague words, Jonathan nods, always able to understand you, and he rests his head against your shoulder as the two of you cry. Faintly you can hear Dustin’s cries through the wall, but you leave him alone. You know he needs to process this alone, just like you needed to, just like Jonathan had before coming here. 

Tomorrow you’ll comfort your brother, you’ll bake the cookies that Joyce loves, and tonight will pass. A day must always end. This day will end, and tomorrow will come. Then, you’ll face this together with everyone you love. 

For now, your best friend needs you, so you let him cry into your shoulder and you run your nails against his scalp and whisper soothing words. Fuck whatever is going on between the two of you. 

Will is dead. The best of you, the purest of you, is dead.

-

⌑ series masterlist

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⌑ taglist - @siriuslysmoking @sheisjoeschateau

[nyxthejinx]

Answering to this desperate cry for help

Maaan this was so much fun fr, i hope I made these bad boys justice. Also, didn't know what kind of format I should be using and especially how to repost the original thing, since copying and pasting on the reblog would be absolute hell rip

𝐓𝐖: people biting each other but in an affectionate way, idk lemme know if there's more

𝐅𝐭.: Dottore, Xiao, Childe - GN!Reader

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 1.1k (in total)

𝐋𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨: 3rd Made in Abyss soundtrack - Kevin Penkin (yes, it's that good, no comment)

𝐃𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐞

OHOO he's gonna be so intrigued by this weird habit of yours.

We all know he's not big on social interactions and all -he barely values human life- but when you came into the picture he felt invested in someone for the first time. Hence he observes... Normal people, to learn the basics.

He's smart, a quick learner. Will understand in no time your likes and dislikes, but one day you?? Bite him? Chomp like a feral newborn kitten? Oh, his scholar personality spikes through the roof.

Dottore's never seen anyone bite their partner like you do, it confuses him at first, although he won't say anything and just chuckle. He'd rather observe you and come to his own conclusions before asking.

Was it a one time thing? When, how and where do you like to do it? Is there a deeper meaning, a show of intimacy? Need for attention? Affection?

Yeah he'll treat it like a maths equation, that's how he is.

Some days you'd see him without his mask, leaning particularly close to your face. Other times he'd set his gloves aside and let his digits linger on your cheeks and jaw for every little thing. (He knows he’s difficult to bite because of his clothes)

"Oh Dear, look at your lips, they're chapped/full of crumbs/smeared with any other kind of food/every single excuse he can come up with."

It takes you a bit longer than you would've wanted, but you realise his true intentions eventually. If you feel smug you can just chomp on him randomly and see him lose his mind (he thought he'd figured everything out rip dottore.exe).

I advise against it though, he'd repay the torture tenfold. (aka not cuddle with you even if you ask nicely).

Overall, Dottore finds this habit of yours cute. You're a nice little, innocent thing in his eyes and that just adds to your charm.

Yeah you can be a 1.90m tall menace of a person and he'd still tease you, an arrogant, mean jerk >:(

After some time he starts biting you back (ouch shark teeth), not in a painful way ofc. He's so casual with it, most likely to strike when you least expect it just to see your surprised and/or flustered face.

Or to have you chomping in return, even ;)

I'd say 7.5/10, good chomping partner but will "fight" back.

𝐗𝐢𝐚𝐨

My guy, poor guy.

He's another social inept, we all know why.

He started to learn about human customs after meeting you, and you've helped him out a lot, but he's still so stiff.

He probably gets a heart attack every time you give him a surprise hug. The day you chomp on him his soul leaves his body.

It's not that he's a scaredy cat, physical touch just overwhelms his senses if he's not prepared :((

Asks you to tell him beforehand next time.

But aside from that he doesn't seem to mind. He finds every human custom weird in a way, this one is no exception, and eventually it becomes routine yeah?

I think he's a perfect subject for chomping, with all the exposed skin he has. I mean, look at his shoulders! The urge to sneak up from behind and just CHOMP.

He's got muscles for days too, won't shatter your teeth on his bones. AND HIS CHEEKS- his baby cheeks, they look so soft how can you not bite those.

But yeah, just give him some time and he'll get used to this.

Xiao's not stupid either, he notices right away that you're the only human partaking in this activity, or in public at least. Lowkey feels happy and proud to have you as a partner, you're so special and unique :( <33

At some point he'll want to try it out as well, but he's sooo shy about it and a bit scared he'll hurt you. You gotta make him confess with bone crushing hugs.

When he eventually chomps back he's UGHH so soft with it. For Xiao it's more about the meaning and the bonding experience than the chomp itself.

9/10 if you're fine with doing all the chomping. 8/10 if you want chomps back, but definetly recommended.

𝐂𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐞

Run. RUN. RUN FOR YOUR CHEEKS' LIFE.

He is THE chomping menace.

Let me tell ya, you're putting your life on the line. It's like a declaration of war and he will not hesitate to respond with all he's got.

We know for a fact that he's always up for a challenge. If you're crazy enough to engage and bite him first, well I hope you have a survival plan for the rest of your life cus he won't stop.

It can and will escalate in a "fight" if you're in a private space (you know the tickle fights where you become a mess of tangled limbs? That.) If you try that in public though? He's gonna look at you like a damn predator.

He'll eat your cheeks once you get home, good luck.

His bites are rough-ish too, unfortunately for you. He’d never hurt you on purpose, and is always careful with his strength, but in the heat of battle he’ll forget; 7 times out of 10 you leave the field with a 32 teeth bite mark. 

I think he is more of a cheek guy than anything. They're always available and easy to reach, regardless of your height, and it's also so intimate because who else touches your face? No one, aside from him.

He's the chosen one.

And don't think it will stop at the first time, no no. You've unlocked a new hobby for him. He'll put so much effort in it, it's terrifying.

If you act surprised or flustered well, bonus points in his opinion. Your face is just priceless and will make a habit to make you react that way.

At that point you either fight back or succumb. His soft spots are his stomach (duh, nibble on the exposed skin when he's in his work clothes, I bet he's ticklish), his nape, collarbones and overall the base of his neck.

The rest of his body is still a good chomping surface, but his instincts kick in and his muscles go taut, it's like biting a rock and has no effect on him.

Childe will definitely give you a hard time. It's up to you to take advantage of the right moment and give him a good revenge chomp.

Honestly, he's my fave ever but I'll give him a 5/10 just because of that. Can't even bite the man in peace anymore 🙄

DON'T copy/repost my work. REBLOG instead! ©nyxthejinx

[nymphia-tarot]

✞︎ All About Your Past Life 🦢🩶

pile 1 ----> pile 2

pile 3 ----> pile 4

🕊️ meditate on the pics and pick whichever one calls to you the most. you might feel drawn to more than one pile, which means you may have messages in other piles for you as well! if you don't feel particularly drawn to any pile, the messages in this reading might not be intended for you. since this is a general reading, take what resonates! 🕊️

🩶Pile 1

For my pile 1s I'm getting a lot of yall had very hard and stressful lives 😭 You might have faced a lot of societal and systematic problems which kept you worried throughout your life. With the world rx I'm getting that yall were deeply unsatisfied with the way your life progressed in the past and that there were a lot of regrets and unfulfilled wishes in the end. You were very intelligent and clever and it helped you survive the tough times though you might've been denied of a formal education due to your background and were kinda inhibited in a way from reaching your full potential. But from some of you, I'm getting that you did get to pursue the field you wanted initially but it didn't pan out due to practical issues and you had to abandon your own happiness. For some of you, I'm getting like street thug or thief? Where you were involved in illegal stuff and did a lot of questionable shit to survive and in the end it cost you a lot. I'm getting overall that money was a big issue in your life. However, you guys were very mentally strong people who had a "come what may" attitude towards hardships because you were so used to it.

You might've been in love with someone (I'm getting a woman) of high status in society but you couldn't dare to court her due to the difference in your social positions. For your career, it's like no matter how hard you worked it was extremely difficult to get to where you wanted and you might've also been burdened with the worries of feeding and supporting you family because you were the primary provider. Eventually, you ended up in a conventional marriage, probably arranged too, but you were never satisfied with your spouse truly. You always yearned after someone else (the lady mentioned earlier?) and couldn't give your heart to your spouse fully. For some of you guys, I'm getting you were a woman forced into a marriage with someone you didn't love just to provide for your family and fell in love with someone else (a foreign man I'm seeing) and tried to elope but it caused a huge scandal and you ended up homeless and abandoned.

You might've lived during a time where the economic situation and all wasn't really the best and the common folk were always under the worry of starving the next day. I'm getting like, a cold place too? You had to give up a lot of your dreams for the sake of either other people or due to the bad luck handed to you during your lifetime. It's like you lost sight of your purpose in life at the end and ended up deeply unhappy.

🩶Pile 2:

[TW: mentions of abuse‼️⚠️]

Pile 2, I'm getting you guys grew up in an affluent or well-off family. Probably like upper middle-class or something. Many of you guys' fathers were probably some rich businessman/trader. However, I'm getting that you guys had very unhappy childhoods. For some, I'm getting you guys were orphaned early due to an accident and may have been in grief for a long time. The trauma might've stayed with you guys for a good amount of time and it deeply affected you future interactions and capability to have relationships. For others, I'm getting like childhood abuse? By a male figure, or bullying by the rest of your family members, and it deeply impacting your self-confidence. As an adult, you might've closed your heart off entirely but deep down your biggest wish was a desire for a genuine connection free of deception, and true love. You guys were genuine romantics at heart. I'm getting that you guys in pile 2 didn't really marry at all and that romance wasn't really a big part of your life.

Spirituality was a major part of life for some in this pile and you guys might've become nuns that swore a vow of chastity or just some other religious/spiritual figure who inspired and taught people. My pile 2s are very nurturing and gentle souls deep down and it seems like people may be drawn to your warmth and caring personality. You guys provided comfort to a lot of people in your past life. Even if you weren't a religious figure, I'm getting that you were in some sort of position where you took care of people like a nurse or something. After a certain point in your adult lives, you guys took to travel: for some it was a spiritual journey, for others it was just a normal journey to aid those in need and help the impoverished in society like maybe social workers. You guys had innate spiritual gifts and intuition and your purpose in life was to help people. Very kind souls overall. Many people might've looked to you as a wise and knowledgeable figure in your later years and you became a symbol of knowledge and learning in your community. You might have even travelled from place to place to spread your knowledge and aid people.

In this life, a lot of you guys in pile 2 might be very passionate and dedicated individuals with a zest for life. Maybe a water sign too? Or like prominent water placements in chart. I feel like your past life purpose carried over to your current one as well and you might be very spiritual and intuitive people. "Learn to let go of your fears and let loose" is what I'm hearing?

🩶Pile 3:

Pile 3, It seems a big theme surrounding the energy of your past life was a certain lack of control you had regarding your destiny and choices. You might've been born to a life where you were put under heavy obligations and duties because of your position. You must have felt really restricted and burdened, as if there are eyes all over you, and pressure from everywhere, to the point you felt really burdened and suffocated. You might have been born at a time and place where there was a lot of upheaval and chaos and you were a key figure regarding the events, or at least you played a part in maintaining the balance of the situation no matter how small. For a huge part of your life, you might have been a part of a "higher order" (whatever that means) where you had to maintain a strong front. Perhaps there was a lot of conflict involved in your era and you were forced to participate or mitigate the issue. For some, I'm getting you had a very strict and controlling maternal figure in your life who made all your choices for you and shoved you into the path you were headed without really giving you any free will. And fir some, I'm getting a vindictive and malicious feminine figure of authority who posed as a thorn throughout your life.

There seems to be a lot of trickery and manipulation surrounding your relationships in this past life reading. Perhaps due to your position, there were a lot of malicious individuals who coveted your downfall. There were a lot of lies, backstabbing and secrecy involved in your interpersonal relationships, most likely due to the chaotic situation fate had handed to you. It was as if you could never fully trust anyone around you with your back. Due to these complications, it seems you never really found someone to commit yourself to.

One of your biggest desires in your past life that went unfulfilled was a desire to take charge and carve out your own path by yourself. You had to live in constant worry and fear of betrayal and death. Quite a lot of you in pile 3 were those who had a more creative streak to you and maybe what you really desired was to start a business of your own or to pursue the arts. A lot of you ended up as martyrs in your life which was the necessary step to pave the path for everyone's happiness but it ultimately made you sacrifice your own. I'm getting a lot of you also just wanted to live a life if simplicity in a small-scale area or community, away from the burdens of your position. An advice spirit is telling my pile 3s is to "drive out the negative influences and to take back your power".

🩶Pile 4:

Whoo pile 4 you guys are the most "tame" pile so far in the sense that you guys probably led the "happier" life compared to the other piles lol. The other piles' energy were so heavy 😭

I think my pile 4s were leading relatively simple and cosy lives but I'm getting that work/career was a significant source of stress for you guys in your lives. You guys were hard workers who probably worked in a job where you had to collaborate with or meet a lot of people. Maybe you guys were severely burnt out by your work to the point you felt your spark diminishing. Or perhaps life was so easy that you felt bored and wishing for adventure and excitement. You guys were very grounded and stable individuals however. I'm getting there might have been a lot of workplace drama in your lives though. Your co-workers may not have had your best interests at heart and you might have gotten cheated or manipulated by them. I'm getting workplace injustice. They took advantage of your kindness and giving nature and used it to exploit you. You might have even gotten framed for something you had no hand in and had to suffer for it.

You were, however, very loved and abundant when it came to suitors and friends. You might have even gotten a lot of love offers and proposals. You eventually ended up in a happy marriage with a very sensitive and emotionally mature person who cared a lot for you. I'm getting Aquarius vibes? Your spouse had a lot of love for you in their hearts and was someone who was willing to dive deep into anything for your sake.

I'm getting that a major issue surrounding your past life is work-life imbalance and diminishing creativity/passion. You guys might have been depressed at some point too. Perhaps you were chained to a very conformist lifestyle where you did not get to have a lot of fun. An advice I'm hearing from spirit is to guard your possessions and be wary of whom you give to. Don't just let people take what's yours freely and be open to what's different from the norm from time to time.

[youremyheaven]

Decoding Venus: A Journey Through the Nakshatras

Cancer rashi is considered the most feminine yet all the naks in Cancer rashi are ruled by masculine planets except Ashlesha ruled by Mercury which is a "eunuch" planet.

Similarly, Venus is the most feminine planet but Venusian nakshatras embody true masculinity.

Sexual polarity is imp because men are drawn to women who may outwardly seem feminine and charming but who embody strength and are emotionally masculine. The same way, women are drawn to men who seem outwardly masculine but who are in tune with femininity inwardly; this is what manifests as gentleness, kindness, appreciation for the fine things etc

The opposite of Cancer/4h is Capricorn/10h, 3 nakshatras fall into Capricorn rashi, Uttarshada, Shravana & Dhanishta. But I'll explain their masculinity later.

Now here are some things to consider,

*all Venusian naks are Ugra nakshatras (known for being fierce and cruel)

*all Venusian naks are Manushya gana

*all Venusian naks belong to a fire sign rashi

*all Venusian naks are assigned the cosmic purpose of 'preservation' (in Hinduism, the 3 cosmic functions, creation/preservation/destruction are personified as the Trimurti and different naks are assigned different functions)

The first Venus nak is Bharani and it is the second nak overall. It is important to understand that the Venusian journey begins in Bharani.

Bharani's deity is Lord Yama, the God of Death. He delivers justice and embodies Kala or time. Bharani is symbolised by the Yoni (which means "vulva" in sanskrit) and the word Bharani itself means "to bear".

Birth and death may seem like polar opposites but there is an element of each in the other. To be born is to experience the death of passivity. To die is to experience the birth of the spirit in another form. Lord Yama is associated with divine punishment and dharma but it would be more accurate to say that Lord Yama metes out the treatment that is the result of our own actions. He rules over time, hence what we do in the present is what we will taste in the future as its consequences.

"Time takes the ugliness and horror out of death and turns it into beauty"- Dodie Smith (Bharani Sun)

In French, orgasm is referred to as "La petite mort" which translates to "little death" and it connotes the "brief loss or weakening of the consciousness". Sex and death have had close associations in many cultures.

Hanya Yanagihara's novel 'A Little Life' has the following book cover:

its a photograph by Peter Hujar and is called 'Orgasmic Man'. The author insisted on using this image for the novel's cover because of how its difficult to tell whether the man is in pain or pleasure. This ambiguity is a major theme in the book as well, that deals heavily with sex, trauma, abuse, addiction etc

Hanya Yanagihara has Bharani Moon with Purvaphalguni Mercury & Saturn

The book, you could say explores the dark side of Venus in some capacity. one reviewer described it as "There may never have been a cover that better captures the emotional heart of a story — that is to say the agony and the ecstasy of desire."

"It poses this question: How does one navigate desire when all pleasure to be discovered in the sexual act has been forever stripped away and turned into the stuff of nightmares, and yet the deep longing for love remains?" the conflict between lust and love is a theme that's explored in the works of many Venusian natives.

Ishtar is a Mesopotamian Goddess of love, fertility and war. Like many ancient deities, she was a dualistic deity, associated with life and death, making love and war as well as thunderstorms and food preservation. Ishtar was closely associated with Venus.

Ishtar, though responsible for all life is never considered a Mother goddess. She bore arms as the Goddess of War. She is a paradoxical Goddess figure with many contradictions; sex and violence, fecundity and death, beauty and terror, centrality and marginality, order and chaos. She occupies a liminal space and her influence spans every area of society, she governs all of civilization (think: the preservation aspect of all Venus nakshatras). She was even worshipped as the Goddess of transition between life and death due to her ability to come back from the underworld after she died.

She was widely worshipped in Mesopotamian society as an administrator of justice (see the parallels between Lord Yama and Goddess Ishtar?)

All of this gives us an idea about the highly complex nature of Venus. it amuses me when people think that Venus is some soft uwu nakshatra with bright colored aesthetics and cute lighting when the actual Venusian themes are of violence and war💀💀💀Venusian naks are hardcore af, let me just say that.

“Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs; Being purg'd, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; Being vex'd, a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears; What is it else? A madness most discreet, A choking gall, and a preserving sweet.” ― William Shakespeare (Bharani Sun)

Bharani is closely associated with birth and procreation, however its cosmic function is "preservation" and not creation. This is because with other naks assigned the cosmic function of creation (ex: Ashwini & Punarvasu) creation must manifest from nothing. It manifests itself on its own; you are the creator and the creation. It is a spiritual and metaphysical concept, so to speak.

But Bharani is not associated with that sort of cosmic creation where the universe manifests itself from nothing, instead its connected to the most primitive and primal of human acts; copulation and procreation. Its directly associated with sex and reproduction. And this is not something that can happen on its own. by nature, procreation necessitates the union of man and woman. its not a symbolic act or a metaphor, it requires two people to get down and dirty. Creation of this sort is necessary to "maintain" or "preserve" our species; it does not arise out of nothing; certain prerequisite conditions have to be met in order for it to take place. this is why Bharani's purpose is "preservation".

from the minute that one is born, we are all on a journey towards death. Lord Yama embodies time because the actions we perform in the present can only be revealed in their true nature with time, i.e, whatever we sow, we reap but this is something that takes time. everything in life can be said to come down to timing. be it lessons learnt or success achieved.

its important to keep in mind that Bharani's aim is Artha

There are 4 aims, namely and each nakshatra has a specific aim assigned to it.

Dharma: doing what you are supposed to do. Fulfilling your soul in daily activities Artha: generating income and wealth so you can provide shelter and food for your body. Kama: going after your desires. Moksha: liberating your soul.

Venus itself is a planet associated with wealth, luxury, abundance, beauty etc

The first Venusian nakshatra is associated with the material aspect of Venus which is creating income and thereby attaining security. If we look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs and correspond it to the 4 aims, we can say that Artha is at the foundational base and Moksha is at the very top with Kama & Dharma located in between the two.

It is very telling that while Venusian nakshatras are split among Artha, Kama & Moksha aims, there is no nakshatra assigned the aim of Dharma, which is doing one's duty. With Venus there is no duty, no obligation, no decree; whatever one does we do out of love, this is the essence of Venus energy.

Therefore Bharani concerns itself with the most basic of needs, which is creating security for itself. It occupies the sign of Aries, ruled by Mars and we can say Mars represents the 'soldier'; it is raw, primitive and only concerned with survival.

As we progress through the other Venus nakshatras, we see how the aims ascend on the hierarchy, finally reaching its peak with "Moksha" or liberation in the final Venusian nakshatra.

Bharani is concerned with the most raw, primal and primitive of acts and located in the very first fire sign of Aries, it is an outcaste nakshatra and is the ONLY venusian nakshatra that is outcaste which is in itself unusual because Venus is concerned with refinement, grace, elan and elegance but the fact that the Venusian journey begins in a nakshatra that is outcaste with the aim of Artha implies one deep cosmic truth; in order for an individual to truly embody Venus and understand the planet's energies, you must first begin at the very bottom and ascend to the top. in Bharani, represented by the womb, we see the aspect of a human being taking physical form and being born, they are not born to riches or pleasures but in the most dire of circumstances, and they must now create security for themselves before they can even think of pursuing pleasures of any kind.

All Venusian nakshatras perform the cosmic function of "preservation" or "maintenance".

this is because they are all Manushya gana nakshatras, and human nature is one that's primarily best suited for this cosmic function over the functions of Creation or Dissolution (for deva gana and rakshasa gana naks).

Creation itself is the feminine principle but "preservation" is inherently masculine. Destruction or dissolution is a different expression of the same feminine principle.

All Venusian nakshatras are also of Pitta (fire) nadi

In Ayurveda, people with pitta are said to usually have a muscular build, be very athletic, and serve as strong leaders. They're highly motivated, goal-oriented, and competitive. They are said to possess an aggressive and tenacious nature.

The second Venusian nakshatra is Purvaphalguni, presided by the deity Bhaga, God of Marital Bliss. Purvaphalguni is symbolised by the front legs of the bed or a swinging hammock, indicating relaxation and comfort.

while Bharani was concerned with birth and death, in Purvaphalguni the association is with the sexual act itself.

Purvaphalguni's aim is Kama (desire) and this nakshatra is associated with love, romance, wealth, luxury etc.

Bharani's yoni animal was the elephant, a large yoni animal signifies the immense sexual appetite of the native but also the capacity for a certain breadth of experiences👀 with Purvaphalguni, the yoni animal is a rat, which is widely considered to be the most sexual animal as it copulates and reproduces at an immense pace. It makes sense as to why Purvaphalguni is about sexual pleasures and bliss and not about the how or the why; its purely concerned with the process. These natives are freaky af and the most openly and unabashedly sexual of all.

“Beauty is desired in order that it may be befouled; not for its own sake, but for the joy brought by the certainty of profaning it.” ― Georges Bataille (Purvaphalguni Sun)

Purvaphalguni men love the idea of corrupting something that is innocent and pure and making it filthy.many of them perhaps have a virginity kink 👀💀

In addition to this, Purvaphalguni men and Venusian men in general tend to exhibit the "Madonna-Whore Complex"

Jesse James (Purvaphalguni Sun, Bharani Mars) was married to Sandra Bullock and was outed as a serial cheater.

Tiger Woods (Purvashada Sun, Ketu in Bharani) was exposed as a chronic cheater (he slept with over 120 women during the course of his marriage) and spent time in rehab for his sex addiction.

Elvis Presley (Purvashada Sun) met his wife Priscilla Presley when she was 14 and he was 24. He was hell-bent on "preserving her purity" and they had a very "chaste relationship" after she was married and had a baby however he did not want to have sex with her anymore because she was a mother.

In the 2002 movie Spider, Ralph Fiennes played a man who struggled with the Madonna-Whore complex. He has Mercury in Purvashada as his amatyakaraka.

the movie Vertigo (1958) has this complex forming a major plotline. it stars James Stewart (Ketu in Purvashada) and Kim Novak (Mars in Purvaphalguni atmakaraka and Ketu in Purvaphalguni) as the lead actors.

The novel Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man features a protagonist who suffers from this complex and its the primary plot of the novel as well. Its written by James Joyce who is Purvashada Rising.

Madonna (Purvaphalguni Moon) often toyed around with the Madonna-Whore complex early on in her career and even has a song called Like A Virgin, the lyrics go like this:

"Like a virgin Touched for the very first time Like a virgin When your heart beats next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy My fear is fading fast Been saving it all for you 'cause only love can last You're so fine and you're mine Make me strong, yeah you make me bold, oh, your love thawed out Yeah, your love thawed out what was scared and cold."

Since Purvaphalguni is symbolised by the marital bed, and the consummation of the marriage was always associated with "losing innocence and virginity" and how sexual experience is linked with "knowing" and maturing from child to adult.

Black Swan, starring Natalie Portman (Purvaphalguni Moon) and Mila Kunis (Purvaphalguni Mercury & Venus) is a sexually charged movie that explores this dichotomy very well. Nina is a good little girl whereas Lily is highly sexual and wild.

A major theme of this movie is merging these two opposing forces. For good girl Nina to embrace her dark, wild "Black Swan" side. (spoiler alert!!) obviously in this movie, Lily's character is said to be an extension of Nina and not a real person which drives home this point even further.

Losing innocence and corruption/being corrupted are major themes in Purvaphalguni nakshatra and this is not just sexual. An ordinary person losing all sense of morality and submitting to utter debauchery and depravation is a common trope found in the works of many Purvaphalguni natives.

Take the movie, Taxi Driver, for example, it was written by Paul Schrader who has Bharani Moon, Purvaphalguni Venus & Mars

This movie revolves around Travis (the titular Taxi Driver) who is experiencing an extreme existential crisis and is deeply troubled by the prostitution he witnesses around the city; he is unsettled by the moral bankruptness and urban decay around him. He sets out to rescue a child prostitute and the movie has major elements of sex and violence.

This movie is a good example of Bharani's restrained Venusian expression meeting with Purvaphalguni's excess.

Hardcore (1979) directed by Paul Schrader (honestly all of the movies he's written and directed are LOADED with Venusian tropes, themes and motifs) is about a father who goes looking for his daughter who went on a church trip to Cali and ended up working as a porn star.

Like I've mentioned before, the dichotomy between innocence and corruption, divine and human, Madonna and Whore are core themes in the works of these natives. Like Taxi Driver, the protagonist has to descend into hell in order to save the person who is lost. The contrast between "polite society" or the prim & proper "morally upright" side of society versus the depraved, sleazy, immoral underworld is depicted in a very stark and raw manner.

Antichrist (2009) directed by Lars Von Trier (Bharani Sun, Purvashada Moon) and starring Willem Dafoe (Purvaphalguni Moon, Purvashada Rising) is another movie that explores Venus at its most chaotic, unrefined and truthful. Its about a grieving couple who lost their son and go to a cabin in the woods to cope but of course, crazy shit starts happening and is rife with sadomasochistic elements.

Purvaphalguni is the height of Venus, located in the sign of Leo which is ruled by the Sun; here a native loses all sense of ego or pride and gives in completely to their pleasures and desires. Its a very hedonistic nakshatra. Given that its aim is Kama and is a Manushya gana nakshatra, it points to how a native is willing to do anything to attain what he desires; there is no sense of "right" or "wrong" here because Venus is a planet of indulgence.

In Bharani, presided by Lord Yama, the themes were strongly tied to karma, justice, time etc but this is the initiatory stage of Venus, where Venus acts with restraint. In Purvaphalguni, Venus is at its most expansive and wild. Bharani's yoni animal is an elephant; are elephants known for being very sexual? no. they are known for how they protect their herd and how nurturing they are of their young ones. Compare this to the rat (Purvphalguni's yoni animal). Rats have millions of kids and don't stick around to care for them particularly. Since they procreate at such a fast pace, it's every rat for himself. they are associated with filth and dirt.

Its very common for Purvaphalguni men to be involved in sadomasochistic sexual activities; in fact, two of the most famous writers to address these themes, Georges Bataille and Marquis de Sade both have Purvaphalguni Sun & Moon respectively.

“Life has always taken place in a tumult without apparent cohesion, but it only finds its grandeur and its reality in ecstasy and in ecstatic love.”― Georges Bataille (Purvaphalguni Sun)

"Lust is to the other passions what the nervous fluid is to life; it supports them all, lends strength to them all ambition, cruelty, avarice, revenge, are all founded on lust.”― Marquis de Sade(Purvaphalguni Moon with Ketu in Purvashada)

As such, many Purvaphalguni men have been involved in some type of sex scandal at least once in their career.

Nabokov who wrote Lolita had Purvaphalguni Moon and its a book about a old man who falls in love with a child. Like I said previously Purvaphalguni/Venusian men in general tend to have a virgin kink/a thing for innocence and corrupting someone and derive a sense of satisfaction from it.

in the 90s, Hugh Grant (Purvaphalguni Sun) was caught with a prostitute while he was in a long term relationship with Liz Hurley.

Freddie Mercury (Purvaphalguni Sun & Rising) was known for his wild and freaky love life, he openly spoke about his "enormous sex drive", he once celebrated his birthday with a 5 day orgy💀💀

Namjoon (Purvaphalguni Sun) received flak for recommending the book Almost Transparent Blue which featured graphic sexuality and violence including threesomes and rough sex. In his early career, he also received flak for his sexually suggestive songs like "Expensive Girl", "Trouble" and "Joke".

I don't want to go into this because I don't think there can be astrological evidence of someone being an abuser (i.e anyone could be any abuser regardless of their placements) but many Purvaphalguni men have had sexual harassment charges pressed against them.

“One must do violence to the object of one's desire; when it surrenders, the pleasure is greater.”― Marquis De Sade (Purvaphalguni Moon with Ketu in Purvashada)

This nak is the height of Venusian indulgence and as every peak is followed by a valley, Venus after ascending through the aims of Artha and Kama, now finds itself in the concluding Venus nakshatra of Purvashada. The aim of this nak is Moksha. When all else is satisfied, the only thing left to do is seek salvation.

Purvashada's yoni animal is a monkey and Purvashada belongs to the Brahmin caste. It is a Manushya gana nakshatra.

It is symbolised by “a fan/winnowing machine which separates grains from the husk”. It occupies the sign of Sagittarius and thus its sign lord is Jupiter.

The deity of Purvashada is 'Apah', Goddess of Water/Ocean.

In the final Venus nakshatra, the themes of refinement and purification are at their height. There is a relentless desire for expansion and the combined energies of Jupiter & Venus together can make a native simultaneously expansive but still constricted at the same time. Purification is a major theme in this nak. Bharani was concerned with birth and creation, Purvaphalguni with the sexual act in itself but in Purvashada, the Venusian focus shifts beyond either of the two.

Although Magha is most commonly associated with the "Goth" aesthetic, I would say even Purvashada natives have a tendency to lean towards a darker, macabre aesthetic.

Ozzy Osbourne (Purvashada Moon) was lead vocalist of the heavy metal band Black Sabbath and called himself "Prince of Darkness".

Johnny Depp (Purvashada Moon) stars as Edward Scissorhands in the movie of the same name. The movie revolves around an artificial humanoid creature who tries and fails to adjust to normal society despite the efforts of those around him. He falls in love with a woman he cannot be with. This is a common trope in the works of many Purvashada natives.

Lars & the Real Girl (2007) stars Ryan Gosling (Purvashada Moon) as a socially awkward man who begins to have a relationship with a lifelike doll believing her to be real. His family tries really hard to help him and ultimately (in a very Purvashada esque ending; because of Purvashada's connection to water) he believes that the doll is dying and mourns for her while submerged in water.

Charles Addams who created The Addams Family had Purvashada Sun (he was also Magha Moon), Morticia Addams was played by Carolyn Jones who was Bharani Sun & Moon, in the 90s adaptations she was played by Anjelica Huston who had Purvaphalguni Moon & Ketu

in the movie City of Angels starring Nicholas Cage (Purvashada Sun) the theme of a human and non-human being uniting is once again repeated, this time, Cage plays an angel who falls in love with a mortal woman. (spoiler alert!!) the movie ends with Cage choosing to be a mortal but his human lover passing away tragically. In true blue Purvashada fashion, the movie ends with Cage near the ocean, accepting his grief and new life as a mortal being.

in Francois Truffaut (Purvashada Rising) Jules et Jim, we see the tale of two men who both love the same woman, Catherine. The story repeats the same trope of how neither man gets to truly be with her (true union being impossible is a common Purvashada trope) and the movie ends with her driving Jim and herself into a river while Jules watches on. (death in the water or mourning someone in the water etc seems to be a common motif in the works of these natives)

“Love (understood as the desire of good for another) is in fact so unnatural a phenomenon that it can scarcely repeat itself; the soul being unable to become virgin again and not having energy enough to cast itself out again into the ocean of another soul.”― James Joyce (Purvashada Rising)

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed.”― Ernest Hemingway (Purvashada Moon, Purvaphalguni Rising)

Hemingway's most famous work is titled The Old Man & the Sea and its set almost entirely on the water/the beach.

Christina Ricci who is best known for playing several dark edgy characters is a Purvashada Moon (she's also Magha rising)

I've also noticed that certain Purvashada natives have associations with Satanism 💀💀 or star in films that feature violent, gorey rituals etc

Rosemary's Baby stars Mia Farrow (Purvashada Moon) and Satanism is a major part of the movie's plot 💀

Zeena Schrek (Purvashada Moon) is the daughter of the founder of the Church of Satan and was the first baby to undergo a Satanic baptism. She's probably best known for conspiracy theories stating Taylor Swift is her clone lmao 💀😭

While Jennifer's Body's main story can be considered an Ashlesha themed one, there are significant allusions to the occult, virgin sacrifice and demonic possession which makes me believe it can be attributed to Megan Fox's Purvashada Rising

in the movie Satanic Panic (2019), Rebecca Romijin (Purvashada Rising) stars as the leader of a satanic cult.

Jane Levy (Purvashada Sun) starred as the protagonist in the 2013 film Evil Dead that features a lot of demons and demonic possession.

Nina Dobrev (Purvashada Sun) is best known for playing Elena on the show The Vampire Diaries. while i know demons and vampires are not the same, you've got to admit they share a lot of similarities xD

Dakota Johnson (Purvashada Rising) stars in Suspiria which is about a young woman who accidentally finds herself in a cult/witches' coven.

Some very well known people who could be called evil personified are also Purvashada natives, such as Hitler and Harvey Weinstein (Purvashada Moon)

Purvashada natives love to play the devil's advocate, the quality we most associate with a monkey (this nak's Yoni animal) is its playfulness. Purvashada natives do things simply for the heck of it/thrill of it. There is no sense of purpose or direction to which their Venusian qualities are directed. Thus it represents the dark side of Venus. When all other desires are fulfilled and the only thing left is to seek Moksha, the nakshatra tends to exhibit the Trickster archetype.

the 2002 movie May, stars Angela Bettis (Purvashada stellium; sun, mercury, jupiter and rahu) and depicts the cruel and sinister side of Venus very well (trigger warning; this movie is VERY gore-y), its about a woman who ritually murders several people who she did not feel loved by (to put it simply).

While Bharani being the initiatory Venus nak is Venus at its most ethical, all sense of "right and wrong" evaporates into thin air as the Venusian journey progresses. In Purvaphalguni, this manifests as a desire for sex itself but in Purvashada, the native is dissatisfied with mere bodily union, it seeks something bigger. This theme of union being impossible/not satisfying can be seen in the works of many Purvashada natives. The desire to delve into the occult arises out of a desire to transcend ordinariness, find something that addresses the darkness and uncover the truth within it.

The Venusian journey passes through the sign lords of Mars, Sun & Jupiter; beginning as a soldier, working out of a sense of duty, reaching its height in the individualistic Sun, seeking pleasure merely for one's own sake and finally concluding itself in the expansive Jupiter where things get unusual. Venus is a complicated planet full of contradictions and combining its energy with that of Jupiter which expands beyond control means the darkness of Venus makes itself seen in ways we don't quite see in the same way in the other naks.

The tattvas of these naks are earth, water and air respectively. It originates in a very grounded fashion, full of practical concerns, then dissolves itself entirely in the formless water before becoming the element that's hardest to narrow down; air.

Bharani with Aries, Purvaphalguni with Leo and Purvashada with Sagittarius and all these signs are traditionally perceived as masculine and the Fire element in general is understood as masculine. The opposite of fire is water, which is feminine (water being related to the Moon, which is a yin planet) whereas fire is related to the Sun which is a yang planet.

it is the combination of masculine with feminine that heightens the effect of the other. a highly masculine man or a highly feminine woman have integrated the opposite energy within them fully; they are internally almost androgynous . they dont lack the influence of the other

in Bharani, we have the womb and creation, in Purvaphalguni we have the bed, in Purvashada, we have the winnowing basket, separating the husk from the grain, depicting the different functions of Venus; as source, hedon, and order.

[mint-yooxgi]

Yearning - Yandere!Phoenix!Mingi

Yandere AU & Phoenix AU - First Person POV

Genre: Mature, Smutty Themes, Internal Monologue

Pairing: Mingi X Implied Chubby!Reader

Words: 1,710

Warnings: Implied stalking, and dirty thoughts. This is a Yandere story, it will contain themes such as stalking, violence, obsession, possessive natures, and just general overall creepiness and swearing. You have been warned.

A/n: Felt like getting this out tonight, so I hope you all like it!! Again, I feel like these are tamer than what I originally had in mind, but some of them are going in a different direction than I though. Hehehe, I don't know, I still like them! Feedback is greatly appreciated! Enjoy!~

The Fourth of The Feral Drabbles

You’re a strange one, aren’t you? You don’t let anyone get close to you, do you? At least, not really.

I’ve seen the way you shy away from their touches. It’s like you know that they don’t deserve you, just as I do. Only I should get to caress your delicate skin. Only I should get to touch you. Your body is a canvas meant to be painted by me, and me alone.

You know that already, don’t you?

You’ve seen me watching you. I know you have. I’m much more in tune to your reactions than you think, especially when heat is involved.

Perhaps that’s just the way I’ve always been. Or maybe, perhaps, that’s just the effect you have on me. Either way, I always make sure to watch you carefully. I want to know your every reaction to everything, so I can replicate the good ones as desired. I want you to see me in a good light all of the time. There’s no room for error. Not when you are involved.

I can never help myself when it comes to you. I always want to know where you are, and who you’re with. I long to know what you’re doing, and especially how you’re feeling at all times. It drives me crazy not being able to be by your side at all hours of the day. Watching you isn’t enough, I need to be with you, and I want you to need me, too.

You’re guarded, that much I can tell. I mean, you certainly live up to your nickname of Ice Princess, wouldn’t you say? You hardly give anyone the time of day. It’s as if no one is worth your time.

Good. They don’t deserve you, anyways. At least you know how much value your life has, and how important you are.

I wouldn’t expect anything less from my twin flame.

I want you to know, that I am worthy. I will make myself worthy.

I have a theory: you don’t give anyone the time of day because the treat you like a princess. 

It’s the princess part, isn’t it? You long to be treated like the Queen you are, don’t you?

You don’t have to worry much longer, My Queen, a fitting King is on his way.

You know, my kind… we mate for life. We’re extremely territorial and possessive of our mates, especially once we’ve imprinted. You’re lucky I haven’t had a chance to court you yet, otherwise those friends of yours… well, let’s just say ‘burnt to a crisp’ would be putting it lightly.

They don’t care for you. I’ve seen the jealousy in their eyes when you turn away from them. They always want what you have, and they hate how effortlessly it comes to you. You’re too smart for them. Too beautiful. Too desirable.

I must admit, taking out my competition lately has been a bit difficult, but I’ve made tremendous progress this past month alone. You’re even acknowledging me on your own, and going out of your way to start conversations with me! I knew playing it cool would work - that seems to be the type of people you’re drawn to. None of this loud and boisterous displays of passion some people attempt to smother you in.

I have to admit, though, there are times where I wish I could scream my love for you from the rooftops. I want everybody to know how much you mean to me, and to be jealous that only I can have you, and only you can have me. 

I’m not blind, I see the way your friends look at me when you all walk passed. I hear them whisper as their heated stares lock onto my figure. I know I’m desirable, too.

The only one I care about, though, is you.

Oh, how I revel in your gaze when I feel you looking at me. Honestly, it’s embarrassing how much I preen myself just for you. I’ll admit, my posture has never been the greatest, until I met you.

It’s almost comical how obvious I can be; my friend tease me about it all the time. My kind, we’re not subtle in our ways, but either you don’t notice, or you choose not to.

Perhaps you don’t want to believe I could ever fall for someone like you…

Is this why you don’t let anyone get close to you? Because you’re afraid of getting hurt?

Well, My Little Dove, you don’t have to be afraid any longer. I will never hurt you, because I will never leave you. I only want you, and I will only ever want you.

Do you want to know the dangers of my love for you? It’s a little thrilling, isn’t it? To know that there’s always risks when it comes to love. At least, I find it amusing, and once you feel the same as I do, I know you will, too.

See, my kind, as I said before, we mate for life. But, not just this life. 

Every life.

Our love is reborn through the ashes with each incarnation. No matter how far apart we are, or who we are, we will always find each other. That’s what it means to love a Phoenix.

Once an imprint, always an imprint. Nothing can change that.

My heart is yours. It burns for you. It yearns for your cold touch to quell the flames that have long since kindled the fires of my passion for you. I am devoted to you in every way imaginable. You just don’t know it, yet.

I desire you, My Dove. I have desired you from the very first moment I heard you utter my name. Never has it sounded so pure, so perfect falling from any other’s lips but your own. It was meant to be yours. I was made to be yours, and you were always meant to be mine.

Fuck, I want to know what my name sounds like falling from your lips after I’ve kissed you breathless. I want to wrap you in my embrace and ignite that same spark of desire in you that has always burned within me for you. I want to feel you gripping at my hair, pulling me in closer to you as you cling to my body as I light the fires of my passion upon your own.

Fucking tug on my roots as you pull me back into your core for more. I want to feel you dripping down my chin, suffocating me with your luscious thighs as I get lost in your pussy for hours. Let me make a beautiful mess of your cunt, lick it clean, and then do it all over again, and again, and again.

I want you to moan for me, like I’m your one and only salvation, and you’ll find rapture in my every touch. I want our breaths to become one, never knowing where one ends and the other begins. I want to taste you until I become drunk on everything you have to offer, and then I want to drown you in an ecstasy so deep you’ll never want to come back up for air.

I want my touch to sear across every dip and curve of your skin, so that you feel my desires for you even when we’re apart. If you cannot feel my love for you by the time we’re done, I haven’t finished fulfilling my duties of your perfect lover. By the time I’m finished with you, my name will be the only thing on your lips, my body the only thing you can feel, and my devotion to you the only thing on your mind. 

And your heart…

Your heart will be mine.

Long have I desired to burn my mark on your heart, just as I know you’ve already branded mine. I will accept no other. I cannot.

My greatest desire, though, is far tamer than any of this. Yet, it is probably the most significant. The most intricate and intimate of experiences I could offer you.

I want to show you my wings.

I want to show you my wings, and watch as that wondrous expression of yours lights up your face. I want to see you in awe of the colours, and the contrasting feathers which are quite plush and so delicate to the touch. I want to watch you reach out to feel them, but hesitate slightly, unsure of if you should or not, and then I want to smile and nod at you, encouraging you to fulfill your every desire.

And, oh, how encouraging I would be!

We don’t let just anybody touch our wings, you know. It’s a sacred practice, reserved for the most intimate of lovers.

That’s how much you mean to me. I want to share in that intimacy with you, and only you.

Fuck, and then once you’ve traced the contours of my wings and run your fingers through my feathers, I would make the sweetest love to you. I would hold you so fucking close, whispering how deeply my affection for you lies with every movement I make, my wings on full display as I bring us both to ecstasy together.

I can practically hear the way your voice calls out my name so desperately for me now…

Many nights have been spent playing out this fantasy, but I’m afraid it never fully captures the full effect of the moment. I know it’ll be even more special and intimate when the time comes, and I can only imagine how your delicate hands will feel gripping me, and stroking along my wings during the moment.

Just thinking about it now gets me so sensitive.

You truly have no idea what you do to me.

I just have to get closer to you. You’re starting to open up to me, I can feel it. I’m slowly but surely melting that cold exterior of yours. Or maybe, you’re just cooling me down to your level. We’ll be together soon. We have to be, or else I don’t know just what I might do.

I’ll be wrapping you in my embrace soon enough. 

I’ll make sure you can handle the heat.

[themonochromaticcat]

Graag, Graag, Graag!

(part I)

>Joost x suicidal!reader

>genre- angst / fluff (ending)

>warnings- mentions of SH and suicide, attempted suicide.

A/N This is written from the 2nd point of view, it’ll be specified otherwise. :P Please let me know if I missed anything, uhm, this is based off of my failed attempt :,( (I’m better now tho- ish) Just enjoy!

Suicide hotline (116 123)

It had been an averagely difficult day in the Netherlands, first it was the weather, then the colleagues, then timings. Overall, it was just a plain day that tipped yourself over the edge just a tad bit more, just how it had been doing for the past couple of months: years even. At this point you couldn’t really remember when you felt normal when not in your loving boyfriend’s; Joost, Joost Klein’s embrace.

He had known you longer than you could even remember, you were childhood friends, best friends even; that blossomed into the most picturesque couple people thought of. In social media, in real life and behind closed doors, Joost was perfect; supposedly you were too, but you most definitely didn’t feel like it. You felt more… disappointed in yourself, it felt like you didn’t put any effort into your relationship with Joost. Well, Joost felt the opposite way, and he always reassured you of it, yet the feeling was still there.

What could it be? The fact that he was practically an a-list celebrity now that he got unfairly disqualified from Eurovision and having ‘the best’, song in Eurovision, though it was probably just a fan-favourite instead. Nevertheless, you always felt weird next to him, like you didn’t belong with him any longer.

Overtaken your consciousness was what your thoughts were doing to you, it had gotten to the point where your half an hour journey from your job to the little apartment (that you shared with Joost) had gone by in the brink of an eye. You waltzed into the apartment, the soft, soothing, sensational scent of the candle you had bought Joost engulfed your senses, making you realise that you were home.

Without any noise, you made your way into the kitchen to heat up some leftovers from the day before. And, before you knew it; there he was, muttering a soft string of praises into your ear, constantly switching between Dutch and English. It took you a good minute to turn around and thank him due to the strong hold he had on you, not letting you do much. Though, once you had gently pried his hands off of you, you lazily ran your hands through his long, healthy hair; pulling him in so that you could murmur and he could clearly hear you. And so, you did just that; in a weak, sickly voice, you murmured into his ear.

“I don’t know how much longer I can take this, Joost. I want this to end, now.”

You two drowned into a sickly disease; silence, it could mean nothing and everything. It left you thinking, overthinking yet all of these thoughts that consumed your mind, you knew they weren’t true. He would never do anything like that, he hadn’t done anything of that, bad, nature for the whole time you had been together. Instead of judging your bad habits, he tried helping you prevent them, from the moment he figured out, he sat next to you. In that dingy bathroom, cleaning them up, wrapping them tightly in paper towels before grabbing actual bandages.

“Lieverd, alsjeblieft.” (Darling, please.)

A excruciatingly large sigh left your lips as you slowly rested your head onto Joost’s shoulder, using him as a pillar to remain up on your own two feet. You felt a salty liquid drip from your eyes, travelling from your waterline, to your pink; swollen cheeks to your neck then onto your clothes.

“I love you Joost, I really do, you know?”

Idk what I think about this 😓😓😓

Suicide hotline (116 123)

Part II

[adelrambles]

Tips on Writing Bishop

I've been asked a couple times for advice on how to write a good (03-style) Bishop, and I'm well-aware he can be a bit tough to get a grasp on. As someone who's studied him specifically to learn how to write him as accurately as possible, I figured I'd compile some thoughts in case it'd be helpful to anyone else. I know a lot of Rise takes on him are basing off the 03 version, so maybe this could help generate ideas, too. SO!

Big Overall Points!

At the core of EVERYTHING Bishop does are two primary motivations. The first: the protection of the earth. What this means to him can get tricky, because it doesn't necessarily mean protecting the people, at least not all of them. But it will be better understood alongside the other:

The second: The protection of his sense of safety. Bishop has been deeply traumatized, and everything he does is born of a want to avoid that pain ever again. In his mind, earth is a safe area, a controllable factor, and anything outside it is a danger that must be eliminated. This is why he will still be willing to put himself and other people on the line in service of this; any sacrifice is worth the greater goal. (It's worth noting, Bishop will claim the first as his motivation freely, but is likely not consciously aware of the second.)

Bishop deals in Big Picture ONLY. Another reason Bishop will willingly throw away anything, including the lives of the people he claims to protect, is that he seems incapable of understanding things on a small, individual basis.

Bishop is a cold personality. He does not have strong displays of emotion. He does emote, but for the most part it's muted, so I recommend using emotional bursts very sparingly. (In my own writing, as an example, I try to limit my use of exclamation marks in his dialogue as much as possible.)

At his core, Bishop is afraid, and his response to fear is aggression. This also makes it particularly difficult to talk him down, if he's put in an emotional state. His response to not being in control is often violent retaliation.

With those basic tenants understood, let's move next to some major personality traits:

Bishop is a controlling personality. This is a direct result of his trauma response. Things that can be controlled are safe, therefore he must control everything. If something cannot be controlled, it's a threat that must be eliminated. If he doesn't know why something happened, he becomes angry (including even when it benefits him.)

Bishop is very low-empathy. When writing him, I try to keep in mind that he cannot put himself in the perspective of others. (Or if he can, he doesn't care to.)

Bishop is a sadist. He gets personal enjoyment from hurting others.

Bishop likes fighting, but only when he's winning. He will quickly leave if he can't see a guaranteed victory.

Bishop is paranoid. This is probably self-evident, but it's the reason he's often so well-prepared even when things don't go to plan.

Bishop genuinely seems to enjoy science. He's shown to be far more lenient with scientist characters than anyone else, and he seems to involve himself in his scientists' projects to a degree. Enough to, at the very least, understand their work. (Given he was the one set to dissect the turtles, it might also be argued he has some medical or biology background, himself.)

Bishop is an opportunist and scavenger. He can roll with failures as long as he can find something to get out of it. If he's presented with an opportunity to stab someone in the back, and he has something to gain? He'll take it without a second thought.

Bishop is deeply self-blind. For all his perceptiveness and strategic prowess, Bishop is not very self-aware in the slightest. He is completely blind to his own hypocrisies, and thoroughly confident in his own righteousness.

Bishop adapts fast. He accepts situations for what they are and acts (Though he may still be angry about them, or what have you.) This is likely a skill developed via longevity; the world around him has changed rapidly, but he doesn't feel out of place at all.

Bishop will take extreme risks and thinks wildly outside the box. Also self-evident, if you're familiar with the plans he enacts throughout the show. He'll put a lot on the line if he thinks the reward is worth enough, and he's willing to go to extreme lengths to get what he wants, even if his plans would be considered crazy by normal standards.

Bishop is persistent. If he wants something, he won't stop until he gets it. If he fails, he'll retreat, make a new plan, and try again. It is very difficult to convince him to back down (and certainly not on moral grounds.)

Habits and triggers I've noted:

Being restrained of any sort puts Bishop in a panic. He is more likely to have an emotional response in these scenarios, and seems to have (an albeit muted) desperation to escape. (See: Leatherhead restraining him in the first encounter; His reaction to being trapped on the surgical table in Head of State.)

When being duplicitous or suppressing a reaction, Bishop will go to adjust his tie. This could possibly be considered his tell.

Bishop seems to have a particular fear of aliens blending in as humans. His slayer project was built around the assumption that this is a common threat. (Worth noting: This makes The Shredder the model of the exact threat Bishop is afraid of. Technically, Bishop himself may also fit the description of a threat shaped like a human.)

Writing considerations:

In 03's narrative, Bishop is EPF and EPF is Bishop. Narratively speaking, any organization Bishop is head of acts as if it is an extension of his will and character.

Bishop is shown to strike fear and/or discomfort into most characters he interacts with. Anything beyond this is an outlier, and will draw a reader's attention.

Dialogue-wise, Bishop is generally succinct and blunt. He does dabble in gloating, though, and especially likes to upset others. If he's given a chance to be mean, he'll usually take it. It can help to consider he has a Mission Mode and a Normal Mode. When it comes to Mission Mode, he gets straight to the point and hates unnecessary talking. Otherwise, he's still not very talkative, but will take the time to make pointed jabs or talk through a plan. A lot of his sense of humor seems to be rooted in how He's Better Than You (And You're Going To Die Painfully.)

It's a common pitfall that Bishop is depicted as seeking out the turtles. In 03, once he gets their DNA, he's done with them. Any encounters after that are incidental. Bishop does not care about anything that won't effect his greater goal. If he's targeting another character, it should have to do with a greater plan.

Bishop is an extremely competent combatant, shown to be able to handle up to 7 opponents at once. For a breakdown on his fighting style check out my other post on that!

Bishop is hard to kill, and oftentimes he accidentally contributes to his own defeat. (The hook from Bishop's Gambit is an example I get a LOT of mileage out of, as a perfect symbol of his self-defeating prophecies.)

We almost only ever see Bishop in the context of his work. While it could be construed that he depersonalizes himself, it's much more clear that the narrative depersonalizes him. As far as we, the audience know, Bishop's work is all that he is.

It's unclear if Bishop was released from his abduction or escaped. Depending on which you ascribe to, this can have ramifications for his mindset on how to deal with the alien threat. (Personally, because so much of his inability to cope hinges on a feeling of helplessness, I believe he was released. If he escaped on his own power, that undercuts it, somewhat.)

Thematically-speaking, Bishop parallels both his own torturers and his own victims at the same time. He has perpetuated the cycle that traumatized him in the first place by trying to fight fire with fire. (In that vein, I don't think he's capable of understanding that, not seeing aliens as people in the first place, just dangers. Considering how deeply ingrained his trauma is in his worldview and actions, it would probably ruin him, if he were ever able to actually grasp it.)

Bishop and EPF are likely a commentary on the military of the time 03 was coming out. This can be something worth keeping in mind, when figuring out his greater themes in your story, though it can just as well be discarded if it doesn't fit.

Adding to that, Bishop has an extensive american military background. His skills and knowledge will reflect that.

Bishop also plays on and references a number of real-life alien conspiracies. It can be worth digging through conspiracy history to drum up ideas and themes, too.

The ethical and philosophical quandaries of Bishop's body-hopping and humanity tend to not hold too much weight, because Bishop, himself, doesn't seem to care.

If I think of more I'll certainly be adding on to the reblogs of this post! Or, if you have more thoughts, please feel free to add! If you're in the mood for more Bishop ramblings, that's practically most of this blog atm, but this post is a particular favorite. If you're interested in Fast Forward!Bishop, specifically, consider this post! (also read Taking Pawns. slipped in that self-promo, nice.)

[13thdoctorposts]

At some point 13 fans needs to actually put the numbers to paper on the era's audience numbers, because my recollection is that they're perfectly on par and at times even better than Capaldi's and several of the latest specials. I'm tired of haters whining about 'everyone hated it' when they mean misogynists targeted it and boycotted it from the very instance of a rumour that 13 would be a woman.

Peter Nolan from Blogtor Who did a post on the numbers after the airing of Power of the Doctor, in one section of the post he compares the Whittaker and Capaldi eras…

“It’s remarkable then, that the Whittaker era of Doctor Who is overall on course not only to retain the audience it was given, but actually very slightly grow it. The average Thirteenth Doctor was watched by 4.67m viewers, up 0.12m (2.6%) on the 4.55m average of the Twelfth Doctor. It’s median viewing figure of 4.21m, meanwhile, is 0.34m (7.4%) lower than Capaldi’s, representing the boost Whittaker’s average is given by the large audiences for her first series. But overall, we haven’t seen Doctor Who just do a respectable job all things considered. Rather, it actually got ratings that would be good a decade ago.”

You can check out the whole article here https://www.blogtorwho.com/doctor-who-power-of-the-doctor-viewing-figures/?amp=1

As you can see the Whittier era did quite well especially when considering it had to fight to get through the Pandemic, which people seem to like to act like isn’t a big deal with their revisionist history of how difficult that time actually was. Not only were millions dying and getting sick, people were losing their jobs and lock downs were keeping people at home and a number of parents learnt how hard it was to home school your child even with a teacher on zoom, some while also having to work full time at home. This isn’t to mention the ridiculous amount of restrictions on how they could make the show and keep everyone safe. Sadly they also just didn’t have budget, it was why they needed Disney to come in. In the Who Corner to Corner podcast Chibs talks about how he wanted to do a new years special after Flux but was told there was no budget and he couldn’t do it but he wanted there to be a new year special so he ask if he used monster from the cupboard (a couple daleks they had sitting there) a warehouse and only 2 guest stars could he do it and they still told him they didn’t think so but he told them they were doing it and then we got Eve of the Daleks, one of my fav episodes of the run.

This goes to show the show was struggling to afford to make episodes it had no real money for marketing. If series 12 and Flux got the marketing series 11 did of course we would have seen even bigger numbers but Chibs stated in his Radio Free Skaro podcast from Gally One in 2023 that the only marketing budget they had after series 11 was marketing that could be done on the BBC that’s extremely limiting. They also didn’t have a brand manager unlike all previous eras. If you can afford a brand manager you’re not going to choose to not have one and having one probably would have also help quite a bit.

It’s not 2008 anymore, even Tennent couldn’t pull his 2008 numbers and that was with the big Disney budget to make the show and market the show, and they had a year to market the show and the most well known Doctor, so considering that vs what Chibs had to work with the Whittaker era is a solid era of Doctor Who. It just came at a time when the Budget was struggling, and the TV landscape was changing along with a campaign to try and destroy it before it began simply because they chose a Woman to be the Doctor, as demonstrated by the fact the BBC had to release a press statement backing Whittakers casting and the change to a Female Doctor. And that did have a snow ball effect of people picking everything apart to an insane level they do not do with any of the episodes from the male Doctors episodes a lot of which could be seen as far more problematic.

All this to say could the numbers had been better? Yes, if they had budget to market the show the way it needs to be marketed in a landscape with a million competing shows on far more streaming services than there were regular channels back in the day. But did the show do well with the limited resources it had. Also Yes.

[yuzurujenn]

[2024.08.29] FS Life Extra - Yuzuru Hanyu PROFESSIONAL Season 2

Interview: Hanyu Yuzuru

“I realised that there was still so much potential left”

Hanyu has completed his 2nd year as a professional athlete. Having completed his first solo tour, "RE_PRAY," it appears that he has explored and elevated his expression to a higher level, both as a producer and as an artist. However, the responses that he spoke of were unexpected. From this valuable long interview, we explore where Hanyu Yuzuru is now in his third year as a professional and the state he is aiming for.

(Interviewed in Sendai on June 17, 2024)

Q: Let's start with the recent activities, starting with Fantasy on Ice's Makuhari and Aichi performances. What was your overall impression?

A: Well, after all, since I did my own solo tour, my awareness as a professional, my sense of who I want to be as a skater and the kind of effort I want to put into shows have become much more solid. In that sense, even though it was "Fantasy on Ice," I think I was able to approach my performance with a completely different sense of responsibility than I had up until last year.

Q: Was it due to the experiences and feelings accumulated during your second year as a professional?

A: Although it has only been two years, my sense of responsibility for the show, my gratitude for everyone's willingness to come to see me and support me, and my desire to cherish and respond to their expectations have all become stronger. Even though it was not my solo show this time, I felt that I performed with the same passion. Maybe because I was with other skaters, this feeling was more prominent in my heart, and I felt that I had indeed changed since becoming a professional skater.

Q: Do you feel differently in solo shows and shows with other skaters?

A: Until last year's Fantasy, I strongly felt that sense of comfort that comes with it being "Fantasy on Ice”. However, for example, there were certainly physical challenges, like having to do a quadruple jump in the Opening, but this year, rather than feeling that sense of comfort, I thought more about what it meant to skate here, and treated each program sincerely. However, after all, the seniors have gradually retired, such as (Evgeni) Plushenko and Johnny (Weir), and while Stéphane (Lambiel) is still here, (Nobunari) Oda-kun was not in A tour, and I felt that I have become a more senior, prominent figure in “Fantasy on Ice”. In that sense, I did feel a sense of responsibility. I felt that I needed to lead where I could, and the performance expected of me was no different from my solo show. And while skating, I was also thinking about the meaning of performing two programs, so in that sense, looking back now, this atmosphere was probably what I wanted to convey in Fantasy this time. As for the collaboration program, I performed “Meteor” with a sense of nervousness, as Nishikawa-san (Takanori) was also very passionate about the song. And I think because I was able to echo his passion with my skating that a sense of power and agility was brought out in that program.

Q: "Meteor," which was also the insert song for "Mobile Suit Gundam SEED," is a song that holds a lot of meaning for you as well?

A: Yes. It is one of my favourite songs, but since I like it so much, it was not easy to imagine myself skating to it. On the contrary, if it is a piece I am not familiar with, when someone says to me, "Please skate to this," I can still think about how to skate while listening to it. But, because it is a piece I am already very familiar with, I will think, "Eh, I already have this image in my mind, but I need to build the skating from here?" In that sense, because I like it, it is even more challenging to skate this program. I remember it being very difficult.

Q: I heard that it took you about four weeks to create the choreography.

A: It really took that long (laughs). After all, Nishikawa-san has very strong vocals, and I had to think about how to match that. And because I’m so familiar with this song, I could hear all the different sounds, so I needed to decide how much I should express. I also wanted to stay true to the image of the original work as well as the feelings that Nishikawa-san himself would have singing this song, but since I was the one skating, I also wanted to value the image I had in my mind. It was really difficult as there were so many complicated elements entangled together. When I was choreographing, I kept thinking, "This is not right, that is not right."

Q: It's because you have a strong attachment to the song.

A: It's really difficult.

Creating a program that starts from the feet

Q: The program included choreography that evoked a story. Was this choreography inspired by your desire to value not only the music but also the story that had influenced you?

A: That’s right. The story is of course important, but I also didn't want it to become like a theatrical performance. If I focus too much on the story, it will easily become too theatrical and lose the essence of the music. When I choreograph, I always try to "avoid making choreography that can be put into any program." I believe there must always be a unique relationship where the choreography is essential to the music and the music is essential to the choreography, so, while valuing the story, I was very conscious of expressing the image, rhythm, and melody of the music. 

Q: The gesture of putting Tori (the bird-shaped pet robot that the protagonist got from his childhood sweetheart) on the shoulder made me think, "Could it be…?" even though I’m not familiar with Gundam.

A: Yes, yes (laughs). The main character (Kira Yamato) is bound by the past, but he has to fight because of the expectations placed on him. I am not the type to be overly tied to the past, but I think I can understand that sense of obligation to fight while carrying expectations. It doesn't matter if you want to do it or not, it's like you have to continue on as part of your mission. When I skated with those feelings, I thought that if I expressed too much of myself, it wouldn't fit the music. Considering various things, I was hesitant to make the choreography with Tori at first, or to make it a point like "That's the scene", but going back to what I said earlier, when I thought about "what can only be done in this program", I thought "But, this is Kira, and it's "FREEDOM", so if I thought about it properly, I thought it's better to include it. If there’s a part that leaves an impression, it would make it easier to recall the story. I thought it would be easy to convey to the viewers, and I thought it would not only satisfy my own feelings, but also satisfy those of the viewers. I put it in while considering the balance.

Q: When I first saw it in Makuhari, I didn't know who choreographed it, so I thought the choreographer must be a fan of Gundam...

A: Haha, he is (laughs). But I think that's a program that typical figure skating choreographers wouldn’t be able to do. When I’m creating choreography myself, I often notice that I tend to start from the feet. For example, "Ashura-chan" was like that, and "GIFT" too, where I build the choreography by setting the rhythm with the feet first and then adding the upper body movements. So, the upper body doesn’t lead; often, it takes a while for the upper body movements to come together. In figure skating, it’s more common for choreography to start with the upper body and then add steps or turns as needed. Since I start with steps and turns, my programs probably end up being a bit different from what you might expect from a typical figure skating choreographer. Because I’m aware of this, when I create something like "Messenger of Ruin" or a program for a solo show that’s more like a typical figure skating program, I sometimes think the opposite, "Lead with your upper body!"

Q: You remind yourself of this.

A: Yes. Otherwise, it might not feel like figure skating. I think about whether I should focus more on picking up the melody, or if I should create parts where I don't pick up the melody to make it feel more like figure skating.

Q: Is this approach of creating programs starting with your feet related to what you said before about your tendency to catch the sounds of bass and drums when listening to music?

A: Ah, yes, I do catch them. It's partly because of that, but it's also something that figure skaters generally don't do with their feet. For example, this time I had my own part in the finale of Fantasy, “High Pressure,” and I had to improvise differently each time, as it would be too fast if I had to pick up all the sounds of the percussion with my feet (laughs). But I did it unconsciously, and I have always liked doing that kind of thing since I was a little kid. So, it is not something that a typical figure skater can do, but something that only a person who likes music and can hear sounds very well can do. In that sense, I guess I am a bit more like a dancer.

In addition, I believe that my style may have been influenced by Alexei Yagudin and Kurt Browning. Yagudin's "Winter" (2001-02 season short program) has that famous toe step, and if you ask me whether it’s about capturing the sounds, I think it’s more about matching the gradually rising violin sound to create a climax. I just adapted that approach to fit with the rhythm. Kurt Browning, on the other hand, focuses more on capturing the rhythm than the melody and is very precise. The beats and rhythms that are difficult to hear are visualised in this way, changing how the music is perceived. It’s like experiencing music visually. I was greatly influenced by Kurt in this respect. So, I was influenced by both Yagudin’s use of toe steps to emphasize the melody, and Kurt's footwork that fully expresses the sounds that are often unnoticed and hard to capture. I think my style was formed in this way.

In fact, when I was creating "Meteor", I watched a lot of Yagudin's performances because I really had no ideas (laughs). Speaking of which, the initial feeling was very similar to Gladiator. In the opening of Gladiator, he turned his body holding a sword like this, and I used that as a reference. When I was creating “Meteor” for figure skating, I wanted to present a very cool choreography, and when I thought about what a cool choreography is, the first person that came to my mind was Yagudin.

Q: So, the cool image you had was Yagudin.

A: Yes! I also like Plushenko very much, he is incredibly cool, but it’s not so much about the choreography, but rather the strong aura he exudes from within. As I get older, the more I listen to music, the more I can see the world that Yagudin wanted to express. I’ve only come to realise just how skilled he was now.

Q: In the past you were absolutely crazy about Plushenko.

A: That’s right. I always thought his overwhelming aura was so cool! But this time when I was creating “Meteor”, I was quite influenced by Yagudin's style. The toe-steps at the end of the interlude, just before falling to the ground, was completely Yagudin. The rhythm was a bit different, and the use of arms was more Hanyu-like, but that kind of footwork was definitely Yagudin, at least to me.

Q: I’ll watch it again later.

A: Please do! (laughs) It influenced me a lot. After the intro, when the singing starts and at the line ‘Frozen~’ (凍りついた~♪), the way the legs are spread out and the body is turned is something that Yagudin often used as well.

Q: Yagudin is scattered everywhere.

A: Yeah (laughs). I always watch it thinking, "I was influenced by him." (laughs).

Q: The costume is also very elaborate.

A: Yes!

Q: How was the design decided?

A: I first gave an image concept of the kind of design I wanted, and then having the designer to create and complete the design based on that.

Turning trouble into opportunity

Q: What about the decoration on the shoulder?

A: That was just a coincidence, really! Even the similarity in colour to the Gundam model that came with the limited edition of Nishikawa's "FREEDOM" CD was a complete coincidence.

Q: That's amazing!

A: I originally had an image of that colour as well, but when I first received the costume and checked it, the colour was much whiter and a bit of a lighter blue. At that point, I didn't know about the plastic model, but I was thinking that, “It would look better if it was darker", and then, during the costume check, I accidentally hit my forehead and got covered in blood (laughs). So, the costume got covered in blood as well, and I had to get it washed right away, but because of that, I was able to say without compromising, “Please make it a bit darker”.

That incident left a permanent scar, but I couldn't help but think it was a fateful injury (laughs). If I hadn't ended up covered in blood, I probably wouldn't have said anything. The colour was originally a lighter blue. So, it might have all worked out for the best in the end.

Q: Is your forehead okay now?

A: Although the scar is still there, the pain has mostly subsided. However, I still feel some pain when a large drop in atmospheric pressure occurs. Also, when I turn over while sleeping, it rubs against the scar, which can be a bit painful. But, while skating, I don’t feel any pain, and it’s nowhere near as painful as when I sprained my ankle (laughs).

Q: You have had many painful injuries in the past.

A: Yes, only painful injuries (laughs).

Q: Also, I think "Danny Boy" in Fantasy has evolved even more than ‘notte stellata’.

A: Wow, thank you!

Q: What did you do to make it even better?

A: I studied a lot about how to use my body and how to express myself in April. 'Danny Boy' was where I could most clearly showcase that. I gradually came to understand how to use my feet in jazz, how to incorporate the sound of the piano into my body, and how to pick up the nuances of the rhythmic fluctuations that I could feel as someone with a strong sense of rhythm. That’s the program where I could express these most easily.

Q: So, the evolution of your performance in Fantasy came from that study.

A: That’s what I would like to think (laughs).

Q: I thought the program was good at “notte stellata”, but it was even better at Makuhari, and I was really moved. The lines were also very beautiful.

A: Thank you! I’m so happy! Indeed, in such a program, the more delicate the way you show the lines of your body, use your arms, and how you connect your body with your arms, the better. It’s about wanting to use big movements, but not using the full range of motion, while still having everything perfectly controlled and in the right angle. It’s something you have to master for it to look good. Conversely, the more you master it, the better the program becomes. I feel it’s similar to programs like "Ballade No. 1" or "Introduction and Rondo Capriccioso."

Q: Until last year, you only skated one program. Why did you decide to skate two programs now?

A: When I was offered to perform on the show, I had already planned to skate two programs. After being told, "For this Fantasy, these are the song choices for you to collaborate with", I listened to those songs and thought, "Ah, one program probably won’t be enough." After all, many people know about my solo ice show, and for those who spent almost the same or even more money to watch Fantasy, I felt that I couldn’t just perform one program. I have such a sense of pride that I didn't want them to feel that it was insufficient. When considering how to maximise audience satisfaction, I felt that two programs would be the best approach.

But it was really hard... In ‘notte stellata’, in the first program it was a triple axel, so I didn't need to do a quad jump. But for the opening of Fantasy, I had to do a quad jump right after I got on the ice, which was really challenging (laughs). Naturally I had to prepare on land, as I also need to be ready before stepping onto the rink. But there was no 6-mins practice on ice, so it was really hard to do a quad jump right after getting onto the ice in that state... It was really tough even from the warm-up stage. Then I had to perform "Danny Boy" soon after that, so I was really exhausted.

Q: Now that Fantasy has ended, I think you finally had a chance to take a break. But are you already gearing up for the next stage?

A: I’m really thinking about various plans and keeping my antennae up. I can't go into details, but I have to do a lot of work. In that sense, it is a very challenging time for me.

Q: Are you in the stage of preparing various things now?

A: I guess you could say I'm in a phase where I'm actively putting things out there, rather than just nurturing ideas. For me, rather than accumulating ideas and then releasing them all at once, I tend to be better at inputting and outputting simultaneously. It's kind of like improvising choreography while listening to music. My expressions were born while being influenced by something. So, whether it's about planning or doing a photo shoot, most of the ideas that come to me are often inspired by the music on the spot.

Q: I always wondered how you gather your input.

A: Surprisingly, it's manga, and of course games. Recently, I've been reading some philosophy books and papers, so I might be spending a bit more time on such texts these days. I actually don't hate reading papers, and I read about two a week. It doesn't have to be a long paper, a short one is fine, and when I'm not feeling like it, I just read the summary (laughs). There are times when I just read the introduction and the conclusion and think, "Oh, I see, that's what it was about," but even so, I think just acquiring that knowledge will increase my range of expression, or broaden my perspective, so I try to make a habit of reading.

Q: How do you find papers to read?

A: When I was making RE_PRAY, I read a paper about game storytelling. The article analysed what was contained in the storyline of a game, and finally concluded that games have these characteristics. The paper was about how novels have this kind of storyline and these characteristics, but games instead have this kind of storyline and these characteristics. I read a lot of such works while creating RE_PRAY.

Behind the scenes of RE_PRAY

Q: How was the RE_PRAY tour for you?

A: I really learned a lot. It wasn't a one-month tour, but a series of performances over a longer period at several locations, so my mental state and my perception of "ice story" were completely different each time, and the reactions and feelings of the people who watched were different too. This tour really made me realise just how closely expression is linked to one's state of mind and background.

Q: The lighting and projection mapping were also very cool. In that regard, I felt a sense of novelty.

A: It made me realise again that there is still room for improvement in the field of ice shows, in terms of the use of lasers, projection mapping, and even lighting. I wasn't able to participate much in the production of "GIFT" (the first Ice Story). I didn't have the time. I was also working on "Prologue," so we didn't have many meetings.

Q: After all, it was being done at the same time as Prologue.

A: That's right! That's why I didn't have time to attend many meetings, but in RE_PRAY, I was more involved in the direction, visuals, and many other things, and in the process, I realised that there was still so much potential left. Conversely, I also realised how much that I hadn't been able to do before.

Q: The animation was also cute. Like (8-bit) pixel art.

A: I had a meeting with a designer who creates pixel art, and we decided that this would be good. When we think about games, they're not just limited to pixel art; there are so many games now with incredible realism. Nowadays, there are many games that are almost like movies, resembling real people, but still, I wanted something that would make the concept of game easily understandable for those who come to watch skating and ‘Yuzuru Hanyu’, and convey it in a way that’s straightforward. We thought a pixel art approach might be effective for that purpose. Although I really love realistic games and initially wanted to go with a more realistic style for the title screen, we ultimately decided that we wanted the audience to feel a bit of nostalgia when they saw the screen. That’s how we ended up with the pixel art design.

Q: It's very cute, I hope you will release merch someday.

A: Sure, we will, please buy it (laughs).

Q: I'm looking forward to it (laughs). Also, in “Prologue”, you performed “SEIMEI” at the beginning of the show with jumps like in competitions, but in “RE_PRAY”, “Messenger of Ruin” was placed at the end of first half of the show. And it was a free skate composition.

A: When I skated "Roncapu" at the end of first half of "GIFT," it was pretty tough, and I went into it thinking, "No, this isn't possible," but I managed to do it at the time... I wonder why I made it (Messenger of Ruin) into a free program (laughs).  

Q: To challenge your limits (laughs).

A: Really (laughs). When I was writing the story, or rather, once the structure was in place, I already had in my mind that 'this is definitely the music for the free program.' It wasn't about my stamina or anything, I just did it because I thought it was the best choice. But people around me were saying things like, 'Will you be okay? You were shaky even in the short program'. But I felt that it was precisely because I was shaky that I was able to fully express "Ruin", so I was like, "It's okay, it's okay to be shaky." I believed that “since I’m close to breaking down, the expression will come through”, but looking back now, I realised I was being really reckless.

Q: But even after doing all that crazy stuff, you kept moving without taking a break during the intermission.

A: Yes, I have to keep moving, really... I used a huge amount of spray to keep my hair in place. I used a really strong spray, so much so I couldn’t comb through it, and if I try to force it, the hair might all fall out. The comb would often break too. So, I had to wash my hair. First of all, since my fingers couldn’t get through the hair with shampoo, I had to use conditioner first to dissolve the hairspray before I could use the shampoo. One round of shampoo is not enough, so I had to shampoo twice, then apply conditioner again, making it a total of four washes. Instead of using a shower, I had to stick my head into the basin (laughs). It really took a lot of time, and after that, I had to dry my hair, style it, warm up, and then go out right away. It was really hell (laughs).

But I wanted to change the stiff hairstyle to a new state to make it look like it never happened, or rather, I wanted to change the atmosphere itself. The theme of RE_PRAY itself is "Starting from saved data", even though I had gone through the route of "Messenger of Ruin" (Save Data failed, Act 2), but I should start from where the data was saved, so in terms of the timeline, it means I should be back to the time before Act 1. Therefore, I couldn’t just restart with the image of being exhausted with messy hair after "Messenger of Ruin".

Q: You have to go back to the initial state.

A: Yes. Since I should be in the initial state, it needed to look like I wasn’t tired at all, and start with a completely different atmosphere as if ‘The data is loaded', so in my mind I had already decided to 'undo all the hair setting and start over.' In my simulation, I thought I could do it in 20 minutes, but it took longer than expected... So as soon as “Messenger of Ruin” was over, I took off my shoes, but it took about 5 minutes to take them off, then I went to the waiting room, where another 7 minutes passed. Then I managed to wash my hair in about 10 minutes, and from there it took me about 5-7 minutes to set my hair, warm up for 7 minutes, then put on my shoes immediately. It was hell.

Q: You said on a TV program that if you take a break, fatigue would hit you hard, but it seems you didn't even have time for rest.

A: Yes, that’s true... If I stopped to rest, I would realise how tired I was, so I tried not to stop, but, well, I didn't even have time to rest in the first place (laughs).

Q: I was going to ask you when you realised this, but I didn't expect this (laughs).

A: Haha (laughs). But because I was doing that in RE_PRAY, I knew that if I stopped, it would be over. Notte stellata 2024 is another example. There were three programs, "Notte (Stellata)", "Carmina Burana" and "Danny Boy", and I had to think about how I could maintain my physical condition without taking a break between those programs. Just like when I was doing my solo show RE_PRAY, I was constantly trying to keep my body in top condition for the next program.

Q: It's evolution through experience.

A: Yes. So, in a sense, this Fantasy feels the same way. I was always on the move.

notte stellata 2024 “I hope everyone will be happy”

Q: And about 'Notte Stellata 2024.' Regarding the collaboration with Mao Daichi, was it decided first to include 'Carmina Burana', or was the collaboration with Mao Daichi decided first?

A: Daichi-san came first. It is very difficult to decide who to collaborate with in the first place. Considering that the brand 'Yuzuru Hanyu' has a strong impact and there are many people at the venue who come to see “Yuzuru Hanyu”, it is very difficult to choose someone who can attract equal attention. While thinking about this, we thought "It would be better if the person could sing and dance as well. So Takarazuka Revue might be a good fit." When thinking about someone who could captivate the audience just with their aura in Takarazuka, we thought it would be great if we could ask Daichi-san.

Q: I see. And “Carmina” is one of the songs that fans have been asking for as a program they want to see someday.

A: Yes, "Carmina" is a piece with strong religious overtones, so it was difficult to use it as my own program. It could be seen as a difference in religious views.

Q: That is indeed difficult.

A: That’s right. I had always wanted to use it, but I thought it would be difficult to use it for my own program, but the producer (of “notte stellata”) sent me “Carmina” and said, “Go with this”. So rather than me choosing the song, it was decided by the producer from the beginning. He wanted me to skate to this, and collaborate with Daichi-san on this. So, the song was already selected and arranged. And I was determined to do my best.

Q: The worldview and aura were amazing.

A: When I saw “Carmina,” I knew that I could not do it alone. Each of us had a clear role to play, and the collaboration was something we could not have done without each other, so that was a good thing.

Q: I had the impression that “notte stellata 2024” was brighter than the first show, with a more positive aspect. At what point did you decide to go in this direction?

A: After last year's “notte stellata” was over, we had already talked about the possibility of doing it again next year, and at that time I was already thinking about making it more cheerful to some extent. Last year, I was too much affected by the 3.11. It was the first time for me to deliver a performance to people on March 11, after all, I rarely meet people on March 11, and I was often at home on that day. This year, however, I decided to do my best not just for my own personal feelings, but also to express my wish for the people who suffered from the various disasters, including 3/11 and the Noto earthquake, to “cheer up” and be healthy.

Q: Since I am also from Tohoku, I thought the first time would still be difficult to watch, but this year, I felt much more hope and positivity, so I was somewhat relieved.

A: Just like with RE_PRAY, I’ve been reflecting on what I really want to convey, and not just what I want to express but also “what I hope for”. I’ve started to think more about how I want things to turn out and what I need to do to express it. Of course, there are certainly things I want to convey and express, and many ways to do that, but I’ve gradually started to think about what I want the audience to feel and how I want them to react. This is true for both ‘Meteor’ and ‘Danny’, it’s not just about pushing my own emotions onto them; rather, I feel like I’ve started to view things from a broader perspective and think, “I want the audience to feel this way, so it’s okay to express it in this way.”

Q: In RE_PRAY, when you said that “everyone (the audience) is a player”, is that what you meant by that?

A: Yes. This is my recent theory, but when I read a novel or a manga, the dialogue and narration of the characters are ultimately spoken in my own words, or rather, in the voice of my own inner thoughts. There are voices of voice actors that I imagine, but in the end, it's my own voice that resonates in my head. It's the same with games; the story progresses, but the player who advances the story is myself, and that's what makes games interesting. In figure skating, since there are no words, and it's a form of physical expression without language, there’s a lot left to the viewer’s interpretation. This is why there is a greater freedom of interpretation, and this is also why some parts are difficult to understand, and this difficulty in understanding also allows for a greater degree of freedom in the feelings that can be received. I want people to enjoy this aspect, which is at the core of RE_PRAY and Ice Story.

For example, skating to 'Danny,' the way it is received in 'Notte' compared to 'Fantasy' would be completely different. With the various programs leading up to "Danny Boy", the way it's being perceived changes, the way the music is heard also changes, and of course, the lighting is different too, and I think that’s what makes skating so interesting, and Ice Story is always seeking for that. But, until now, I've often said things like, "It's so different depending on your emotions," or, "I have this image in mind, but I want you to see it as you feel it”, that being said, I feel like maybe I can guide the audience a little more too. I think that the idea of ​​"I want you to go a little bit in this direction" came out strongly in "Notte."

Q: Will ICE STORY continue in the future?

A: Yes!

Q: You said in RE_PRAY that "the end is the beginning of the beginning," but do you have any new plans other than Ice Story in the future?

A: I am thinking of various things.  It's difficult to be specific, but entering my third year after spending two years as a professional like this, I’ve realised just how much I was lacking. This second year made me aware of how shallow the things I’ve been taking in so far. Therefore, I want to incorporate a wider range of information and study various things more deeply. I hope to gradually expand and deepen my expertise. I think that will contribute to expressing figure skating in a way that is uniquely me. For example, there are very ballet-like expressions, very dance-like expressions, and very figure-skating-like expressions. Rather than having these exist in a half-hearted way, my goal now is to study properly how to express myself in a way that is in line with the theme.

I am not skating alone

Q: Finally, some Q&A that aren't about the show. How do you maintain your motivation after becoming a professional athlete? I guess it is different from competing.

A: I guess it's the expectations that people have of me... Honestly, what is it... I don't really have much time to think that "I really love skating!" After all, practicing skating is tough, and it's also hard to practice without anyone watching. But because people have high expectations of me, I want to live up to their expectations and go beyond them. I guess that's my goal, or motivation. Q: Are there any plans for SharePractice in the future? A: I would like to do it, and I thought about doing it before, but the security issues are really difficult! I really don't want to cause trouble for the rink. Q: How about not doing it live? A: That would be better. But you know, if it's not live, I can't interact with the comments and such, which is a bit sad. It’s SharePractice after all. But I do hope to do it again someday. Q: And speaking of Hanyu-san, you’ve always been very proper at greeting people, but what does greeting mean to you? A: Thank you. After becoming a professional, I have come to think more and more that “I am able to skate because of the support of the people around me”. It's the same for production, ice making, management, promotion, and so on. I really feel that the power of people is involved in many things. I’ve come to realise again that I am not skating alone, and I’ve been reflecting on how much I need to be grateful to the people around me. Q: Also, congratulations on becoming a GUCCI ambassador. I also saw the photo exhibition "In Focus: Yuzuru Hanyu Lensed by Jiro Konami" in Ginza. Have you become more interested in fashion?

A: I don't have much interest in fashion (laughs). I have no intention to wear so-called fashionable things on a daily basis. I'm no Steve Jobs, but I don't usually put much thought into it too. Or rather, it's not like me. It’d be strange if suddenly it's like, "Wow, Hanyu has become really fashionable!" (laughs). Q: Why not take this as an opportunity? (laughs).

A: This year I turn 30, which is a milestone (laughs). But I feel more comfortable in a jersey that allows me to move around freely, I want to feel more athlete-like in that regard. Q: As you just said, this year is a milestone for you, but what is your ideal image of your 30s?

A: When I was a teenager, I used to say, "30 is an old man" (laughs). I remember being scolded by (Miyamoto) Kenji-sensei, like, "30 is not old!" (laughs). When I was a teenager, I had a strong impression that skaters in their late 20s were getting less and less able to jump and losing physical strength. So, I thought that 30 is old in competitive figure skating. But now that I'm learning about different training methods and ways of expression, I'm starting to think, "That’s not so old after all." So, I want to continue to improve my skating, express myself better, and evolve in life. Hehe, I'll do my best in my 30s. Q: Yuzushenko (ゆづ シェンコ) has also grown up. A: Yes! (laughs)

Q: Lastly, please give a message to your fans.

A: From now on as well, nothing will change. I will work hard as always!

Source: FS Life Extra PROFESSIONAL Season 2, pg 50-65 Info: https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/4594622488 https://www.amazon.co.jp/dp/4594622771

[sfstranslations]

how hard(?) would you say it is to translate? Ive been kinda curious about that, like does anything get lost in translation/ just not make that much sense without knowing the og language? or anything like that? 🤔

Hm, maybe 7 or 8 on a scale of 10? Though it can easily go higher at times, haha. (Always when Sung Hyunjae is in a scene because his name is a misspelling and it pisses me off.* This is a joke. Only half, though.) Basic word-by-word dictionary lookup is simple, which is why machine translators can do it well enough. But then you have to string all of it together in a sentence where you:

figure out and find a way to convey any difference in connotation between this specific chosen word and other words that mean the same thing (think the connotations of "regal" VS "royal" in English), and

do the same as above, but on a sentence-wide level translating the nuance of a particular grammar/sentence structure (thousand and one sentence endings in Korean, I swear -_-), and

make sure distinct character voices are retained or translated from the original Korean (think Song Taewon's stiff formality VS Han Yoojin's more casual speech VS Sung Hyunjae's middle-aged rich guy-type speech), and

make sure this sentence flows with the overall paragraph/chapter.

All those priorities have to be juggled throughout the chapter and add up to make it a fairly hard task. It definitely gets easier with practice once you're more familiar with the language (especially the nuance/connotation stuff), though, and I did get lucky in that my native language shares some aspects with Korean so the grammar is easier to intuitively grasp. Of course, I'm still learning, so I do have times I need to call in more experienced speakers for help.

(I definitely wouldn't say I'm good with the language period. Recently I've tentatively picked up a new novel—people following my personal blog will know which one—and it turns out I'm familiar with the way Geunseo talks and familiar with the vocabulary typical to dungeon fantasy novels, but kind of. Majorly hopeless when it comes to other stuff. The phrasing is juuust off enough that I keep getting tripped up and taking thrice as long to understand what's being said.)

There's definitely stuff that wouldn't make sense in English—certain idioms, cultural stuff, and all that, but that's why I try to localize wherever possible and add footnotes with relevant info/links if not. And there is stuff that gets lost in translation—you can look at the chapter titles from 302–307 for an example of that, where the joke is much more immediately obvious in Korean but had to be translated differently as chapter title VS in-chapter text messages and lost the clear parallel. I also remember being grumpy back during the virtual reality dungeon arc because Yoohyun would use 네놈 (ne-nom but typically pronounced ni-nom, a derogatory way to say "you", LMAO) towards Sigma and there was no concise way to get that across in English except having him be aggressive and direct. Especially since he isn't the type to swear by word of god, so I couldn't have him addressing him with "asshole" or "jerk" to convey it.

TL;DR: Fairly hard to translate, but gets easier with time, and there is stuff that's lost or difficult to understand, but I do what I can to make it understandable in English!

--

* Sung Hyunjae uses "ae" at the end, but that implies it's 성현재, which is wrong—the correct spelling is 성현제, which should be "Sung Hyunje". (If you wanted to go the full Revised Romanization route, it'd be Seong Hyeonje, but I've weathered my share of name changes and that's a step too far even for me.) I've been meaning to make a poll about changing it like with the Lauchitas spelling, but I keep forgetting.

[bugcatcherkit]

more plural mob talk when you get the time please!

I need to hear about shigeo and mob/other characters it's my favorite interpretation of them!

OKAY I will try my best!!!!! But its a little difficult because the way I think about them changes a lot. There's, like, some set characteristics and all, but I don't tend to think in "definitives" with them. The difference between this and canon is there's More Dissociation and a further degree of separation (though, again, Baseline Identity; they can't exist in isolation).

OKAY OKAY. ANYWAY. I think a lot about the resentment they developed for each other. Mob resented Shigeo ("his power") for how they lost security in their relationships and were isolated from others, as well as his general destructiveness that Mob had to deal with the aftermath of. I also think that Mob sometimes gets hung up on how to live his life to the fullest when he has to share it with a part of their brain that doesn't always agree with what he wants to do.

Shigeo started resenting Mob for taking over their entire life, and also all the demonization, dehumanization, being rendered as scapegoat, and being cut off from all their relationships. Confession Arc was him trying to separate himself from Mob so he wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. And despite learning to accept and be more open with each other, I think they still struggle with this stuff sometimes in post-canon !! When they have problems with each other, most of it comes back around to this. But they're better at working through it and communicating and all that.

In line with their new communication efforts. I think it's interesting that Shigeo seems to know more about Mob than Mob does sometimes. Mob is so good at intellectualizing his emotions and fears and experiences, but Shigeo is more aware of the underlying emotional reasons that Mob struggles to grasp. Mob does not know this much about Shigeo, because Shigeo is mostly Raw Emotion, and he mostly relies on what he's been told about him up until post-canon. I'd imagine finding a balance becomes difficult sometimes even though that's what they're working on. Also, I tie this stuff to their memories. Like, Mob doesn't want to be left in the dark about things he doesn't remember but Shigeo does, especially surrounding stressful experiences. But Shigeo is like "bro you just want to Know you don't want to actually Accept or Feel anything about it yet".

I know I have other stuff about how i view their dynamic but I can't think of it right now so I hope this suffices. Most of the time they're just going through life. Mostly co-con or blended. So.

OH AND OTHERS. One I really think about a lot is Mob/Shigeo and Dimple. IT'S SO GOOD. They severely understand each other. Also, whether he knew it or not, Dimple was one of the only guys in Shigeo's corner for a while because he was always encouraging them to stop holding themselves back and consider their emotions. And Dimple was there to help them out a LOT when others couldn't, which was a big hang-up for Shigeo during Confession Arc. They all understand what it's like to be seen as scary or insignificant or inhuman in some way or another, so they don't do that for each other. And its great for Shigeo to know that once Dimple realized he couldn't use their power (which he never actually succeeded in doing), he stuck around anyway when he Rematerialized. Overall, Dimple would Get It and not pass a lot of judgment I think. Dimple dynamics are so underrated guys…..

Another fun dynamic is them and Ritsu, who I think was the First to know by the way. Sometimes he helps figure things out between them when they're having an especially difficult time communicating. Also Shigeo's general strong attachment to nostalgia means he kinda struggles to see Ritsu as more grown up, and he babies that kid in a way that Mob does not. He also likes to give Ritsu so many cool rocks off the ground and he'll feel mildly offended if Ritsu doesn't keep them.

And also Shigeo and Tome would get along great. Their shenanigans would be worrying.

Sorry I didn’t explain many other dynamics I got sidetracked and also I didn’t want this to be too long. This took a while because I’ve been in my “school is starting soon” slump where I am so so so tired all the time and struggle to focus on anythingg 🙏

them..