#over and over again can be scary...
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After Maria dies in front of him a second time Shadow wanders. He knows there's something he has to do. It's something he doesn't want to do, but he knows he must. He knows it's not a feeling he's meant to feel but it doesn't mean anything else when all he can identify is his rage. The inhibitor rings mean nothing to him now, all this Chaos in his blood is simply ichor fuel. He approaches the empty square the rocket he had once taken to the ARK long ago. He circles it. He would take an IV to his veins if it could fuel that rocket with his Chaos-infused blood. It has to be good for something.
Legs move mechanically around and around that abandoned square of concrete. There's no rocket here anymore. How can I get to the ARK? How can I get to the ARK so I can crash it into the planet? I already got all the Chaos Emeralds, so that part's already done. I already blew up Prison Island. That fake hedgehog. He pauses to realize he has the green Chaos Emerald on him and reaches into his quills to pull it out and looks at it like it's a stranger, holding it up to pale moonlight, thinking, "It all starts with this--," but that was years ago. The Emerald goes back into his quills. That's fine. He can make amends now. For Maria. Maria who died in front of him a second time and this time it was just his fault with no one else to blame. Vengeance...
He's still walking in the same loop. Around a worn-in piece of concrete with some faded paint on it. GUN hasn't used this outpost in years. He's something more of a skeletal creature with his arms hanging all ball-jointed like at his sides than he is hedgehog. I have to get to the ARK. Walk. I can't get to the ARK, so I'll just walk. Around and around like a vinyl. How many broken records are on-board the ARK right now, the ARK that he will crash into the planet? It's what Maria wants him to do so he will do it. Ungrateful humans. A sneer in his heart behind sunglasses; a sneer belonging to the Professor.
Shadow's not even looking anymore. Seeing but not, eyes half-lidded, the jets in his skates turned off as he plods heavily around the same stretch of square. The same half-piece of fern in the broken concrete greets him for the n-teenth time. How can I get to the ARK? Lab experiment turned weapon and Shadow likes to do what the Professor tells him to do so he will think on it some more; don't worry, Professor. Plodding on all Godot-like, waiting, waiting waiting--
A million years that feel like one night pass. Spent shuffling like moving shadow on the ground, time tracked only by the slinging motion of his fingers at his side. He takes the Emerald out from his quills and looks at it again. He's been walking for so long the sun is coming up now and he's still walking; Shadow catches a reflected ruby eye in the transient green cut of jewel. Somehow this startles him back into something resembling person-hood. The first real feeling that is his own is fear, again. He's had enough of that. Shadow crouches and shakes again, hand clutching the Emerald furiously, clinging to that source of Chaos like a lifeline. It pushes and floods into his palms, bells ringing in battery-operated eardrums, neurons firing, remembering the truth, just one hedgehog all by himself on an abandoned launchpad. I have to get to the ARK but I don't want to. I am so afraid of what will happen if I do.
Eventually exhaustion takes him and he collapses. The Chaos of the Emerald at combat with his damaged psyche. The Emerald clatters onto asphalt, fingertips just barely brushing smooth gemstone. Shadow is grateful when he faints. He does not faint often. He does not dream. It is welcome.
Shadow wakes to a hand on his shoulder, gently pushing. Somehow, it's Sonic. Idiot. "No," he half-says half-moans with despair, pushing his face into the ground as hard as he can, somehow himself again. "NO...!! Fuck you, this is your fault!" It's easy for him to blame someone that isn't him right now--the hand on his shoulder releases. Shadow can hear a whispered oh boy, and his head flies up to shoot daggers at a wilting smile on Sonic's face.
"She's okay," Sonic offers, voice a million degrees removed from the reality of the situation, and Shadow's hands turn into fists as he pushes himself up onto his elbows into an arced fetal position and screams--screams because he's himself again and for what he's done, fully cognizant, the Professor's hold on him slipping into the shade of his heart again. His scream asks Why did I do that and What do I have to do to be free? and If I am the Ultimate why am I so afraid of myself still? And then he gets up, wipes his mouth with the back of a hand, and reclaims his Emerald. A stifled, scuffed breath through his nose. Shadow's shoulders rise and fall. He clears his throat, line that is his mouth shifting. He's all business. He's the Ultimate Lifeform.
"Where is she."
#taking advantage of being tired to do kind of a prose-heavy and creepy drabble#or at least trying to be creepy JKSDHFH i wanted it to feel a little scary in the way of doing the same action#over and over again can be scary...#obviously set after that thread i did w rain#drabbles.#fun writing experiment! maybe ill hate it in the morning#but thats ok its tumblr rp it doesnt have to be fire. so here#as of right now i think i did a good job KJAHSDFJH
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Forever thinking about the fact that Campbell, a guy so proud of his own neurodivergency, still raised his voice at his own father when he called him "ill" to claim he wasnt
Taking pride in the issues you're gonna have w you your whole life is such a common way of coping w being "different" yet you always know people only see it as there being something WRONG w you
#Campbell is very dear to me#feels like i can relate to scenes like this a lot#also why i like this show so much#i can never explain to people how comforting is seeing other neurodivergent ppl be proud of who they are#i could wish id be born neurotypical every day but its a thought so scary bcs autism has brought such happiness to me time and time again#if nobody got me i know Campbell Bain got me#campbell bain#taking over the asylum#takin' over the asylum#tota#my post
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I think the most baffling thing about the Tulpar as a vessel to me is the fact that the ship really did only have a one way communication system.
I know it was cheap but even the most basic of vessels regarding major transport would have some way, shape or form for outside communication. Not only that but there was absolutely no form of innate emergency signal to show they may have been offline or in trouble despite clearly having a system to dock credits if they went off course. It's another factor that really shows that bad situations are made to get worse by design. One person who is required to relay all information to the crew and make all the choices without feedback. No way to update or call for help in case of a dire situation. No way to inform of inner personal conflicts and acquire procedures accordingly.
It really is like they are all in some sort of fucked up solitary confinement. They have their own world with strict roles that are meaningless in the end, as long as the cargo makes it, it doesn't matter what happens on that ship to the company. They don't want to hear anything and will come to conclusions on what happened based on how much pay they can withhold from the workers. Even what they do send is short, sterile and corporate to the extent it was likely written and sent out with a command by some random unmanned computer in an office.
There's something to be said about how unfair it is to force absolute power and control onto one person when you as an entity could do so much more to offload it but I've said it many times before so I won't again.
#its just like idk i dont think Curly was a bad captain because we only have this scenerio and I certainly dont think a man like Swansea#would like him or have very little issues with him specifically if he was incompentent or too lienent in the past but I do think the stress#was making him worse and worse as being a present leader as it dawned on him how much he actually had to handle like I really think he#just wanted to do yknow normal captain pilot stuff and fly the ship and yknow the little stuff like make sure things run right and over tim#the constant stress and strain of having to make every major choice started to grate on him and freak him out cause they cant even fucking#eat unless he pulls out the scanner and starts cooking like he has to choose the meal likely or have a vote and i make that part of the#reason he seems so indecisive and inactive is the fact he has to make the choice all the time and he's hoping he can at least make the crew#feel a little more in control of themselves as people by staying out of affairs like the game or disputes because god he literally has to#choose for them all the time like thats a lot of responsibility monitering their sleep their breaks food consumption thats all on him like#it really should be another persons job entirely as thats almost like absoulte contrl over the lives of everyone else that PE forces onto#that title and its also crazy how everyone accepts it even if they dont like it like they broke the food machine open rather than get the#scanner they all waited two months before Jimmy appointed himself leader its so scary how conditioned they all are to the environemnt#cause that sort of mindset is sadly real where people just wait everyone just waited until it was getting real dire and then they still#followed Jimmy without too many complaints like i saw a fic or post where Anya acknowledges they all kinda just let Jimmy do what they want#because he became the captain and it was stupid on all their parts cause they could clearly see how bad he was and yet he was captain so#they just fell in line to their roles and thats a bigger point towards how PE treated them and the complacency capitalism brings to you#just like something that irks me because idk I know Curly is slow to act but he's not as like unopinionated as people make him out to be#like he does try to find solutions but they are still restricted at the end of the day by what PE provides them and I think his biggest c#crime is being in his own head too much and not giving Anya that emotional stability cause like idk man was he supposed to go to Home Depot#himself and install like padlocks? even if the let Anya sleep in medical after she pointed it out she was already pregnant at that point#like we arent seeing the inherent issue that no one not even Anya herself was thinking of the preventative measures because a)there was a#point nothing was happening that necessitated them b) it would've been the responsibility of PE to address them pre and post incident and c#there is only one person on the entire ship given the authority to do anything. You can not make multiple important choices in one instance#in such little time and Curly should not have had that total power like i think the most interesting thing in takes that really blame Curly#is that level of control they give him over the company. Like again i think about the three days we miss between the eval/party and the#convo/crash like i think people switch them around as if those scenes happen in succession when they are broken up and its heavily implied#Curly and Jimmy just havent been talking vs the depiction that she told him and for like three days Curly was just chummy despite the fact#Jimmy and him just had a blow out fight like the next time we assume they talk is during the crash sequence cause he honestly hangs#around Anya more which i think is really important because she trust Curly to defend her himself but not his judgement to give her somethin#to defend herself as she knows he believes her but also knows she's not seeing the danger the same and its heartbreaking and more
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It’s me again!
Of the RWBY villains, which one(s) is/are your favorite(s)?
I love when you show up :D
So I’ve been thinking about this for a bit, and this is based off my current knowledge with where I’m at in the series. Honestly, the villains I tend to like are the ones that eventually change their ways, like Hazel and to my surprise Emerald, cause she annoyed me for a bit.
However.
I thought about it some more and I was like. You know. Out of everyone so far. The only guy that’s ever been like a serious threat from start to end is Tyrian. Like he’s just full psychotic and cruel, kills for pleasure. He’s like a rabid lapdog. I see him more a threat than even Cinder.
Pretty scary guy, gotta say.
#fooze#salvasti#rwby#rwby fanart#tyrian callows#rwby tyrian#my man gets straight to the point while having his fun. for a villain that’s pretty scary man#he just wants to hurt people#simple as that#thanks for stopping by again!#someone force me to finish this show so I can be in the loop lol. the way I avoid watching things should be a sport#while researching the campaign posters it was hilarious seeing all of Jacques were spray painted over#L Bozo
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some of you haven't experienced true hell until you end up drowning in Horrors and your only lifeline is an individual who completely sucks and only views you as a feelgood accessory to augment their own life and you can't seek anything better for yourself because there is a rot inside your body that you cannot fix and scares literally every other human being away no matter what you do so it's either settle for being shoved into someone else's myopic fantasy mold or let every minute of your life be ruled by unfathomable loneliness and terror. as you do.
#:)#the illness is survivable the material circumstances the illness has locked me into are unbearable however#i feel wet and pathetic moaning about this because all this shit really should pale in comparison to the Literal Organ Failure#but you know how much it sucks when everything in your life either stresses you out or bums you out!#like i have uni but that's stressful on account of how unstable my schedule it is#my ability to go places and do stuff is dependent on if i can work around constant hospital appointments#and other people in my life all fail me in various ways!#my parents are understandably traumatised and 24/7 fixated on my health so no reprieve there#my friend is good and lovely but she's barely keeping her own head above water herself#and my partner....complete flop#can't talk about my illness because it upsets him and he needs comforting instead#i have to go visit him on his terms because he won't take time off work and his ocd means he refuses to leave his city#so this obviously limits when/how much i can see him since it's 2.5 hours to reach his house#and when i do see him he only really entertains Cute Gay Romance fantasy so vibe killer conversations are no go#since obviously i'm way less desirable when bumming him out talking about my mortality lmao#but that means that i can't and shouldn't really lean on him in literally any way in any matter#so i spend so many days sitting in my house dwelling on scary thoughts with not much to break it up! absolutely maddening lol#think i would kill sometimes just to have someone around who i can uncomplicatedly cry to but being in your 20s is about Not having that#fuck an organ transplant at this point i'll take having a shoulder strong enough for me to lean on!#maudlin on main again but i'll get over it
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this could be kuwameshi if you guys would like. take my hand and trust me
#yyh spoilers in tags#like major spoilers ok#which ig i dont usually tag but whatever#the if i had to choose between the world and you it's you thing happened. and it was KUWABARA like hhhhgghh#yusuke makes him forget his honor code sometimes and i need you guys to see that with me#bc it makes me wanna fling myself into the ocean over and over again#kuwabara literally is like you need to be alive bc otherwise im nothing idek who i am. please let me punch you#and he wails this multiple times#and yusuke would burn down the world himself if he thought it'd help his friends we all know that#and doomed by the narrative? mmm with the ever escalating world ending nature of being a spirit detective thats kinda there#throw in the sudden demon-human age gap post yusuke death 2 and you've got some narrative dooming in a way#but not enough for me to well and truly call them doomed by the narrative#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#ofc i can handle you at your worst thats basically you all the time is Very kuwa to yusuke#and maybe we can figure out what the hell ur problem is over dinner sometime is Very yusuke to kuwa#actually i should draw that. or make it a textpost or something#but like turning up the protectiveness/possessiveness thats already there with them in line with the whole#'ive watched you die' trauma they Both have means that like. i think they would Need to have each other around for a period of time#in the wake of sensui's bs perhaps. and then yusuke cuts it all off and they start to get a bit healthier about it. hm#i think about them all the time it's like if typicsl shonen rival/bestie homo-ness was kind of scary and painful#like they love each other but the ways they hurt each other and hurt over each other drive me fucking insane
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sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye
#cats#love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face...#since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed#Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor#I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase#looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me#a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful#I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold#and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only#concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other#less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need#background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something#and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav#orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I#love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac#is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless#you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t#he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree.#I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol#One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic#to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite*#THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat#had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything#about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me.#It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able#to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat#basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp#and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:|#ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh
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hi! i saw your post the other day about how the felix and pepper chapters can be tough to write and especially to edit. i just wanted to say that you’ve done an amazing job so far and you are absolutely in my view skilled in judging what to keep or cut! part of me doesn’t want you to ever cut anything though as i just love this story and want it to go on and on! but i know also that however you decide to gracefully conclude will be just perfect in terms of pacing and such:) all to say: no pressure, and thank you for your dedication and work. ❤️
thank you so much for this! 🩷🩷 this absolutely made my day if not my entire week!!
my life has been hectic recently and while writing is usually a comfort for me, it has been hard to put my time and energy into it. your support seriously means the WORLD to me. thank you thank you!! 🩷🩷🩷
#I’ve been putting off writing until I actually have the time to focus on the next chapter without half assing it#soooo much happened this week#I auditioned for a musical for the first time in over a year. I felt like felix#it was really scary but in the end I got a lead which is so awesome 🥹#but between the first audition and the callback it was so scary and time consuming cause I barely knew anyone 😭#now that the stress is dying down though I can actually start writing again :) 🩷
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had this moment yesterday of "what am i gonna do, go take ceramic classes and do what i enjoy in life that makes me happy instead of being useful?" and it was this 💡 of like. thats probably something to strive for. to not be miserible.
#im like just banging my head on the wall. i have a new dr appt in feb and this is a dr that sorens dr recomended instead of a random person#and im hoping please please take my immense chest pain seriously i havent been able to smile in half a year#im wondering that since this is supposedly good health insurance im on now if i can do something about my knees#since sorens grandma had knee replacement surgery and has been thriving with it and she brought it up to me recently#and ive never had surgery so its a scary concept sometimes. but fine! ill say it! i miss walking on my own!#i miss ice skating! i miss dancing! i miss being able to do anything! im so sick of the pain!#i want my legs to feel normal! i want my chest to feel normal! it doesnt have 2 be perfect it just has to not hurt so much!#i also got some new shirts today so i feel less embarassed about how i dress since a lot of my shirts dont fit anymore#and! i have an appt in a few days for glasses! so i can finally see again! my visions gotten really bad over the years and its like#officially too bad to do most things. cant read subtitles on a tv anymore. playing video games is too difficult to see anything#i feel like i have to reinvent myself from the ground up. and i felt like i almost started to see myself as a person for the first time#and then well. health crisis. isolated in a little blue room for several months. pain. i think im a different person now but not by choice#anyways hiiii
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i was really hoping i would dream about the cipher because i couldn’t fall asleep for ages it was stuck in my BRAIN but alas i had a dream about having a birthday party i never had with people i’m not friends with anymore and my sister was there as a teenager and she was actually nice to me and my ex boyfriend was there . this is just rude
#fray.txt#i can semi lucid dream in that i’m quite aware during dreams and if things i don’t like are happening i can force wake myself up#i learnt this skill as a child#i used to have the same dream where i died in it over and over and over again as a kid#and i taught myself over a period of time how to make the window box appear. like a computer screen#and then i could move the mouse to the x. and when i pressed it i would wake up#when things got too scary i would do that#i’ve gotten better now in that just thinking press X or close the window can wake me#where was i going with this? i’ve lost track. anyway
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Kabu superfan, very normal and usual about him (Patreon)
#Doodles#Pokemon#Kidding no they're not#Not an idea I can claim apart from the concept art aspect lol - once again inspired by Zarla ♪#I hear whispers about a potentially dark or scary or uncomfortable or sad and I'm like 👀 Promise?#Though that said with Pokemon it is also easy to imagine it silly and light and mostly harmless#Team Skull comes to mind - Team Rocket duo/trio comes to mind - heck even what I know of Team Yell they seem mostly silly#I Do think there's an interesting idea to investigate with fan culture though - Team Yell is willing to sabotage yes but what about the rest#Not just of making things harder for others - Kabu keeps his fanclub polite and respectful as much as he can hehe#But of devotion and interest and desire - parasocial affection and intrigue#Until a feeling of entitlement starts to creep in - look how much they do for him! How much they Feel and Want#It's interesting! Pair that with a stylistic layout and it makes for Quite a concept to rotate it one's mind haha#I had fun translating a Team Yell into a....Team...Fire? That's awfully basic hm#Kabu can be plenty loud too lol#Maah it's a work in progress it's fine - maybe they'd still consider themself a Team Yell! Just Ex-/Kabu Team Yell lol#The X becoming Kabu's Gym logo and adding the three white streaks in Kabu's hair are probably my favourites haha#The rest is basically Kabu's fit just - torn up#I had another couple doodles of Kabu's gloves cut into jagged fingerless gloves but hmmm#Bad Touch#And obviously only Kabu can rep those incredible thighs and calves#How would Larry feel about his fans thirsting over him hmm#Well he can relate so lol#Last one was trying out Kabu's towel as a silhouette-breaker around the neck rather than a collar#Would some of the aesthetics be harder to break than others! ''I feel naked without something around my neck'' or something haha#Fun to consider
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When will people realize these trucks are insanely dangerous because you can't see shit in front of you, and if you hit someone, especially a shorter person, you're hitting all their vital organs besides their head. It also means they're gonna go under the vehicle, possibly getting run over (on top of whatever other injuries they got), instead of bouncing off the bonnet/hood because only their legs were clipped.
It's not gonna be a good outlook for them.
Now imagine how scary the visuals and statistics are for this truck (Denali):
And we haven't even gotten into the lifted pickup trucks yet. Would this lady have survived if the driver hadn't been driving that complete monstrosity?
From Axios: Pickup Trucks: From Workhorse to Joyride
See also: CBC The Problem with SUVs
#i'm big mad about this again and i'm never gonna shut up about it#i cross in front of these all the time and i can barely see over the hood it's fuckin scary#car dependency#fuck cars#light pickup trucks#pickup trucks#cars#vehicles#walkable cities#equity#equality#vision zero
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Evan kelmp man that you are ……………..
#the psychosis metaphor. the guard dog nature. it’s not a wound it’s just healed badly. i realize this thing is just here to hurt people and#I think man I know that song and I keep kicking. telling stories that are normal to you to get a worried looks and ppl asking if you’re okay#literally brennans explanation of how evan felt fighting that salamander was so.#this character was created in a lab to make me specifically crazy. and boy oh boy is it working !#I can’t get over aabria referring to his arm as ‘not a wound just healed badly’ and that the only way to fix it is to break it again and k#being so convinced they can help it’s so. I can’t put into words buts it’s so. that’s their whole everything.#evan isn’t broken he’s just healed wrong and people around him can’t or won’t accept that. and it’s coming from a good place (sometimes)#but it has the same effect in the long run which is the reinforcement that he is wrong and bad and needs to change but he CANT bc he HAS#healed. he isn’t carrying around an open wound he has worked on that but that shit never goes away. it’s there forever and it looks wrong an#scary to people and it probably always will but it works#he said it’s different metrics of success I kept the arm and then k tries to fix and he loses the arm. do you understand me.#do you you see. can anyone fucking hear me.#it’s about being so scary to the people you love that your success is still cause for concern and they don’t understand that you’re doing#better !! you are doing good !! I’m not sad anymore he said and it’s. oh god.#anyway mismag makes me feel ill if I think about it too long so I have to stop now#prsnl#mismag#🐦⬛
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pardy nation, namely you guys up in america. you guys need to keep fucking living. you have to. i dont care how terrible shit is you need to fucking live. don't fucking die. please.
don't let those fuckers get the satisfaction they want.
#putting this on the sovblog as i want this to reach as many people as it can#i don't even live in fucking america however the fact i am scared over shit that isnt in my own fucking country says so fucking much#i know shit is fucking scary but i must stress again **you must not let those evil pieces of shits get the satisfaction they want**#fuck donald trump and fuck everybody who voted for him#im sorry if this is worded shittily i'm legit terrified for y'all#ᯓ★ p@rrdy ponderrs ✮⋆.˚
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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