#other people SHOULD edge me
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Cum? But good girls don't cum 🥰
good thing i’m more of a brat these days <3
#ok but fr#other people SHOULD edge me#just generally speaking#but I no longer have the patience to edge myself especially after being plugged all day
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a lot of clipping to fix, but hey I got it moving at least! I'll get the Telvanni robe properly physic'd if it's the last thing I do >:0
#last i checked the vanilla hdt clothes on the nexus didn't cover solstheim content#but i wanted to finally learn to do proper hdt bones myself anyway so its fine :)#this was a nightmarish mess before i separated the black underskirt to its own group#now it swishes around nicely and collides without going through the red outer skirt#i still haven't figured out the crouching/sneaking problem where it'll sometimes phase through the thighs like they don't exist#but that seems to happen to other people's outfits too so maybe it's not just mine? idk yet lol#hmmm i think that back flap thing with the gold trim is gonna have to be separated too. it stretches out weirdly :/#also. should the scarf get to move? maybe just the dangling ends?#bc the rest can't really move since there's nothing under the scarf. it's just glued at the edges to the chest of the outfit#which is good bc it's optimized well so the game isn't rendering the neck part of the robes that you don't even see#but I'd have to create new faces on the mesh to fill in the unseen gaps like i did when splitting the skirts up#and also i'm too lazy to map that new fancy chest area and draw out the missing texture with all the telvanni swirls :'(#help me motivation gods#modding stuff#my posts#i want nelly to be able to swish around prettily like anyone else <3#guys deserve some physic'd outfit love too
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why is so much of sewing just tracing and cutting and tracing again q_q i see why people get projectors and use adobe illustrator now
#drawing up a design that i can easily pattern from my sloper: 😊#actually having to make the pattern by tracing and cutting ad infinitum: ��#piecing together printer paper to get a big enough sheet of paper and doing this ten million times: 🥲😭#not to mention the IRONING.... prewashing the fabric and having to iron 8 yards of fabric???? excuse me????#and then distorting it as i iron bc it has a slight stretch and i got so tired i stopped being careful 2 yards in#and the way that you're supposed to press every seam... excuse me... am i just supposed to have my iron heated and on standby at all times#AND THE STEAM??? i just got stay tape the other day and thought it'd be a neat alternative to stay stitching#BUT IT NEEDS STEAM TO ACTIVATE (which okay makes sense) BUT long story short i'm too afraid to use the steam function#on my iron because none of us are sure if water should go back into a tank that's been in disuse for 30+ years#so instead i get this water spray pen and delicately spray down the length of each piece of stay tape#before i cover it with a piece of gauze and iron it. and then i have to iron it extra so all the water actually evaporates#oh and the spray pen holds as much water as half a pen so i have to walk to the kitchen every 10 sprays to refill it#and i have to do this for every curved edge on my pattern pieces#i mean the alternative is just stay stitching but then i would have to calibrate my settings for a single layer of fabric instead of double#which means i have to switch my needle out more and i'm still new enough that sometimes i install a needles wrong despite going through#all the same exact motions that i usually would. i'm LITERALLY suffering out here. anyway can't wait to sew or whatever#oh and did i mention i went to a sewing meetup recently? yeah...#everyone there bought like $30-$100/yard fabric and i was there awkwardly knowing i only buy like $12/yard fabric#honestly though i have the opposite problem people usually joke about. i find it So hard to find fabric i actually like#it needs to be the right fiber + right color + right pattern/texture + right weight + i have to know exactly what i'm going to make with it
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feeling more sad about my friend
#we weren’t super close but we hung out quite a bit a few summers in a row a couple years ago#and i saw them pretty regularly#and they were legit so warm and genuinely and comfortably funny#like someone who is easy to be around#and very present in community#so many people are grieving deeply#& there this little hole i can see forming & ripping at the edges of where they should be#yknow#like man i meet them when i was a weird lil punk and they were so fun and like. nonjudgmental and affirming and weird#we had a day where we marched 9 miles together#we buddied up at stuff#they always seemed happy to see me#& we saw each other often at the bar or at shows or at the corner store by v#*chance
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Human facial expressions don't make sense. If I have my lip pulled up, eyes narrowed, and teeth bared, I am not "disgusted" or "judgy". I'm about ten seconds away from mauling you. The only place disgust has in this situation is what I'll feel when your blood is on my teeth.
#mitzy meows#coastal wolf therian#merfolkkin#merkin#(<- my more aggressive 'types.)#this is more graphic than most of my posts but i've been on edge.#tw blood mention#but nooo im not allowed to shred people's throats when they annoy me.#....sigh.#i need to go rip apart a tuna. i think.#or some other large fish.#i should make a violence/aggression/vent tag....#hm.
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the thing that fucks me up about rereading instructions for dancing is trying to pinpoint when it is that derek becomes obsessed with stiles and realizing the answer seems to be always. from the beginning. the moment they met. that poor bastard. he probably should have tried to be a little nicer about it, though, saved them both some hardship.
I think it slides so quickly from fear and annoyance that Stiles will steal Scott away to 'Oh no, oh fuck,' I'm not even sure Derek knows himself. Poor guy hamstrung himself by starting out with the 'I'm going to scare him away' mentality then wondering where the hell that went and trying to find it again through almost every subsequent interaction (while something so much bigger and so much worse - Derek's Thoughts™ - completely eclipsed it). Meanwhile Stiles also helps cultivate Derek's dickish-ness by assuming that original motivation to be his only interest in him at all, essentially until the moment Derek tells him he's in love with him.
Which is hopefully why it seemingly comes out of left field for Stiles and the reader, because that's what I wanted.
#i mean you should definitely think: uh ohhh derek caught feeelings before that moment#but since it's stiles and scott pov - they are the bright spots in each other's worlds so they are the focus#and occasionally derek will come along and glow around the edges and distract stiles a bit but that's all he is - a momentary distraction#and he's still that when he finds out that scott may be stiles' bright spot but they don't want each other the way derek wants#and so he blurts out 'i'm in love with you' before someone else shows up to want the same way he does#and since we've been in stiles' head and only gotten to see the moments that define him and derek is in so few of those#he's COMPLETELY thrown for a loop because what do you mean?? how could derek be in love with him??#how could stiles be all his defining moments and NOT know it y'know?#(because if you got instructions from derek's pov stiles wOULD BE so many of them)#and realizing they are in different places by a lot but not wanting that to mean they can't be anything more to each other says#'give me a chance to catch up' which in my mind is the only thing and the perfect thing#that was the very first scene i wrote for that fic actually - it changed almost ENTIRELY before the end but that line stayed the same#i just love the idea that you can be totally oblivious to something so defining for someone. that people can be such enigmas#inject that shit directly into my veins pls and thank you!#sorry i just love that dynamic so i can yammer on for DAYS about it lol#thank you for the ask and yeah you're pretty dead on about that haha#instructions for dancing#sterek#teen wolf#!ask
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idk if this is even worth talking about cause all my followers are smart and sexy and would never say cage should have died at the end of edge of tomorrow (2014) so I’m not convincing anyone. But my mind keeps going around and around like a hamster in a wheel or like (I imagine) Tom cruise in any room and if I make posts like offerings maybe it will calm the beast. Anyway the idea of Cage sacrificing himself would be a fitting ending for a much less interesting movie, based in a reading that sees his arc as “selfish coward->selfless hero” which if anyone sees his arc like that I would advise that they watch the movie again and pay attention. Cage explicitly Does Not Get Better through the movie if anything he gets Worse he just becomes the kind of person capable of saving the world. Which is kinda the opposite of a “good” principled person. One of the things that makes EoT great is that it doesn’t valorize violence and it doesn’t valorize death. Rita’s passive acceptance and even restless desire for her own death is—literally the entire point of the movie is to combat that. Why does it matter what happens to me? And Cage’s answer is essentially: it shouldn’t, it would be easier if it didn’t, but it does. Cage’s life MATTERS! Not to him, but to the movie! His death is not an acceptable cost for a happy ending! Also he doesn’t go from a guy who doesn’t want to die to a guy willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, he goes from a guy who doesn’t want to die to a guy who kind of does, someone for whom life isn’t a priority anymore because death has no meaning and life is a horror show. Him dying is not an act of moral good it’s not an act of heroism it’s the war winning.
#yesterday I saw a thing on yt where apparently people thought he should have died. and it makes cartoon steam come out of my ears#the redemption through death trope makes me angrier than any other trope I think. to my memory I have never ever seen it done well#the ending is PERFECT. he has to become inhuman to survive and his survival happens against his will but he does survive.#and the fulfillment of his arc is not his death or his survival it's the moment he sees that rita is alive & safe.#it’s perfect.#edge of tomorrow#bill cage
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throwback to a couple of my favourite backhanded sets of compliments that casey and valentino threw each other's way
“It’s difficult to say who is the most talented rider,” Stoner said. “Valentino has talent in several things that I lack, for example in dealing with the media. In some aspects he is more talented than me, in others I am more talented. It’s a speech that applies to everyone. Lorenzo has shown that he is more talented than Valentino, and he showed it when they both had the same bike. Dani [Pedrosa] also has great talent, and if he manages to have a great season, without injuries, everyone will have to deal with him.” “We [riders] are all here for the same reason,” the Australian added, “we have the same passion. We all take the same risks and we have to respect each other: there is no reason for hatred, for hating an opponent. We are mature people and we have to realize that. I have great respect for the riders who ride clearly, without doing stupid things. We know that there could be an accident at any time, and we know how difficult it is to stay at the front every week, the effort that this requires. I have great respect for Lorenzo, he is a great fighter. The same goes for Valentino, Dani, Andrea…”
(from 2012) the one-two punch of the media comment and the jorge comment to shit on valentino's talent is really strong stuff. bunch of obvious insults couched in language that's barely trying to hide it but is JUST enough for plausible deniability, like yeah he really did get way better at this whole media schtick bless
“Stoner did an amazing job at Ducati. When I looked back at his telemetry I used to wonder how he’d achieve such times!” Rossi said. “People used to think he was very quick – but not particularly intelligent. And that’s why, eventually, he was successful. The reality is that at Ducati he had to go beyond the limits. Go quicker and quicker. And, if you ride like that, you eventually crash! “We had completely opposing paths in our careers: he’d always ridden for one manufacturer, Honda, under the guidance of Luca Cecchinello. When at Ducati I think he must have thought: ‘Stuff that! This bike is good. I have to win!’ “I, on the other hand, had come from years of success with Honda and Yamaha, and I immediately realised that the bike wasn’t the best. I’m certain that, were Stoner to climb onto Dovizioso’s Ducati tomorrow, he’d still manage to finish a race in 6th place. He used to ride in an incredible way. He’s unique. “Do I miss him? On the track, yes. He has fantastic talent and was difficult to beat. But off the track, no I don’t miss him. Without him there is much better camaraderie between the riders.”
(from 2013) kinda the last time he spoke about casey in any depth for close to a decade, but it's a personal fave interview because there's a really neat 50:50 split between compliments and insults. incredible tonal whiplash in every line
#gonna be a follow up post with a quote that i think ties one of their main themes together quite neatly but this one first#anyway. calls him a unique talent and also says he was fast because he was an idiot. beautiful stuff#no see people don't get the thematic depths of this rivalry... the most famous line associated with it is kinda also the thesis statement#essentially they are both in agreement - valentino thinks casey's the most talented and casey thinks valentino's the smartest#//#brr brr#heretic tag#the rivalry does go tonally off the cliff edge post 2009 and sometimes even EYE am going 'okay lads this is a bit much eh'#but man do i ever miss them. can you imagine riders saying stuff like this about each other nowadays#i am ideologically opposed to nostalgia posting but i do think sometimes u should be allowed to call ur opponents idiots !!#would it piss you off more to be called untalented or dumb/mentally weak? i feel quite strongly that it's the latter#but maybe especially if you're a professional athlete you might be more sensitive to the former#it's kinda key to me that however much they got under each other's skin with this stuff... they wouldn't switch if they had the choice#like casey draws so much confidence from the raw talent + the sheer extent of his skill. whereas valentino loves the mental side of it all#if valentino's ambition outweighs his talent and casey's talent outweighs his ambition then so be it y'know
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It's fucked up that the sober population straight up ignores how a huge portion of addicts have chronic illnesses
#was thinking about my stepdad and his plethora of health issues and how they shape his life#and then i thought about sewercentipede and Then i thought about the huge population of bipolar people who are alcoholics#and then after all that i thought about a convo i had with a straight edge friend who was like 'using illegal drugs Should result in jail#time because they could just Not do those drugs. they do it just for fun'#like i understand where he is coming from but i literally think he is wrong af.#i think the people who do drugs (esp hard drugs) recreationally are outnumbered 2 to 1 by people who#are self medicating with illegal drugs. i think most people totally ignore how chronic illnesses#and severe mental illnesses can hurt you on a profound level and because they dont know about that suffering#they do not understand the urge to numb that pain. and people have no sympathy for what they dont understand#lately im so bothered by people who share their opinions with me about complicated issues but clearly havent ever done any research on them#everyone thinks their opinion is so smart and special and no one is studying#especially not studying human behavior. most people think that socialization and political topics are a fucking joke#with 0 relevance to their personal lives. like no one is ever going to be truly informed about All the things#and i know i certainly am not but it is so annoying to speak with people who make no effort at all to learn about a subject#before they try and tell people the business about it. like that guy. his only understanding of drug use#comes from his own relationship to alcohol. but he was not an alcoholic he was just a perv who decided to go christian#like its so egotistical to assume that your experience and emotions can apply to everyone and yet he is not the only guy i know#who has no interest in any perspective other than his own but thinks his perspective is well informed#im sure women piss me off with this behavior too its just that atm i can only think of examples of men acting like this
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currently one week into a two-week stay with a terrible relative who needed help recovering from an operation and because i'm the only competent adult who was willing to do it (my dad literally lives with her but is both incompetent and unwilling) and i just. do not know how much more of this i can tolerate
she has the most TERRIBLE opinions and every morning when i sit down she'll just say something AWFUL and i have no choice but to respond because how on earth can you sit and listen to someone say something so repugnant and NOT say something. the one good thing i can say about her is that she isn't a tory but every other terrible evil little box you could tick, she probably fits it
i'm sure you're wondering, quite fairly, why i have even come here knowing this is the case. just to clarify, she has NEVER been this overtly awful before. like don't get me wrong, i knew she had some questionable opinions and i've butted heads with her about her views before but it's never been on this level. i think that now i'm an adult she feels free to go full mask off with everything and i'm like listen i'm usually in favour of unmasking but in this case can you put that shit back on, right the fuck now, preferably with superglue. and then apply said superglue to your mouth
the only reason i haven't just fucking walked out already is because my brother is coming down here on wednesday to see her for the first time since he started on testosterone, and i am genuinely concerned about how this woman will react because like. i'm sure saying she's also a transphobe will come as a shock to no one and for obvious reasons no one has told her... but when she actually sees him and hears him speak in person i feel like she's going to you know. catch on. fairly quickly. and i need to be here so i can back him up against the potential fallout and so i can get him out if things turn nasty. like it's not that i think she'd be able to DO anything, she's an old woman and she's just had surgery, but like. i'm obviously not gonna leave my brother to deal with that shit by himself
but yeah every minute i spend here is slowly crushing my soul to powder and making me feel unwell at the idea that there are real people who fucking think like this. and not only do they think it but they're willing to SAY IT and think it's a normal fucking thing to believe!!! and then when i go "what the fuck is wrong with you" and argue back she acts like there's something wrong with ME!!!! LIKE I'M THE BAD PERSON??? HUHHHHHHH???
#and this isn't even touching upon the hundreds of insane little rules she has for EVERYTHING. E V E R Y T H I N G#look im autistic. i'm cool with rules. but the sheer NUMBER OF RULES THIS WOMAN HAS ABOUT EVERY FACET OF EXISTENCE#ONE CANNOT POSSIBLY REMEMBER THEM ALL#the dishwasher has to be loaded in a certain way. if i put a single plate in the wrong place she freaks out and makes me move it#she has a fork preference which is fine and normal except that she INSISTS THAT OTHER PEOPLE ALSO ADHERE TO *HER* PREFERRED UTENSILS#like one type of fork is for dessert and one type of fork is for normal food. she didn't like the knives i picked because they're “too big”#(babe they're YOUR KNIVES) but then when i set the table she told me off because i should have used the big knife for my dad#because it's a “man's knife” SHUT UP. GENUINELY SHUT UP.#she told me to hang the clothes on the line straight so they don't get creased. okay makes sense#NO THAT'S TOO STRAIGHT. YOU'LL STRETCH THEM HANGING THEM LIKE THAT.#i even have to put the FUCKING WASHING UP BOWL IN THE SINK IN A CERTAIN DIRECTION. YOU COULD NOT MAKE THIS UP#im constantly on edge because everything i do is wrong in some way and there's just so many pointless rules to remember#like idk about you guys but if it were me. if someone had come to stay with me to help me after a surgery#and was cooking and doing the washing up and doing my errands for me. i would simply fucking say thank you?#i wouldn't be standing over them to make sure i didn't fold a fucking sock the wrong way
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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im still so tired mang like fuck. fuckkkk
#i dont have anyone in my life who gets it like no one i know is trapped like i am it seems#i just want to know how to fix it all and myself yk#more than that though i just wish i had someonewho could stomach fighting this by my side. i genuinely dont think i can do it alone#like i feel like im slowly drowning in mud#and everyone wants to stand at the edge and cheer for me for a bit but like i dont need that#i need a hand#or 10#but no one wants to get themselves all muddy and it's generally frowned upon to ask anyone to get themself all muddy#and it's also frowned upon to freak out at the people cheering and i dont even want to do that like.#i dont hate the cheerers. I dont want ppl to feel bad. when im slightly better i appreciate it for what it is.#but it just. really emphasizes that feeling of untouchableness ig. and sometimes i feel like a show#ik it's just like. i wasn't properly socialized as a child and i dont know how to experience gratitude or how to place value on the words#and platitudes that seem to really help other people feel better#but like the second i think about it it's like yea i can do a lot of things to make myself FEEL better. for like a second or two#but nothing fundamentally changes in my life so what is that even worth?? genuinely? and for what it costs is it even a fair trade?#idk what im trying to say but basically. if you've offered verbal support to me-- thank you. and im sorry it doesn't have the desired effec#i too wish i wasn't like this. i too wish my problems started and ended in my own feelings.#kindness is kindness and it should be appreciated as such. pls dont let my mental breakdown convince you otherwise#just know that this is me keeping a lid on it and not getting myself another involuntary hold
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.
#dreamt me and some of my friends were driving through the village i lived in as a kid and the sun was setting.#and i was taking pictures of the sun and moon which were both in shot and i had the exposure very low#and suddenly even with the low exposure there was a bright flash. and i instinctively said look away.#and we did for a few moments before glancing back. and there was a nuclear explosion on the horizon. and i said we should keep driving.#and we were within the blast zone i knew that. but it wasn't here yet so we kept going up the coast.#and finally got out as it was about to arrive. and i walked to the water's edge and sat with my feet in the esk for one last time#and it suddenly struck me as really funny that there was a chance the nuclear waste beneath the beach was the same stuff in that bomb#and when the blastwave hit we all survived but just badly burnt.#and i had the realisation that most of the people i knew hadn't. and i had the realisation that despite everything i was still alive.#and it was so horrible. and i couldn't do anything but crawl back over to the others and sob.#eventually a helicopter arrived. and i just wanted to be left there on the beach.#woke up sobbing. first time that's ever happened.
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school
#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful#did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w#possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting#plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there#my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh!#not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO#i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig#need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn#but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :)#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.#even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP#idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus#yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted)#a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay!#im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid.#he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party#and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate#and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :)#and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING#good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT
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i hope everyone knows that today i did something that broke my little front of house worker soul… i had to leave the theatre mid act one to go to the bathroom. went against everything i stand for.
#i was so unbelievably nice to the usher about ot though#didn’t let them know why i was so nice about it#bc me also working front of house affected how i was bc ive BEEN THERE#but its human decency ??#like me having been on the other end of this should not have been what prompted me to actually not be mean#everyone should be decent and not be mean in the first place#like it SUCKS but you left the show#like you should be able to reap the consequences but we tell you#and it sucks that enough people have been dicks to me to motivate her to be especially nice to her#*me to be especially nice…#like yea…#also their lockouts are a lot more lenient than ours god#i was allowed to stand on the edge until a scene change#whereas for my work you wait outside until the latecomer point#anyways i only missed a bit of dancing through life and i know wicked well enough to have it not matter#it was a tough decision to make but i really couldn’t hold on
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