#or that I need mood stabilisers and a mental hospital

[malachitezmeyka]

Whyyyyy is getting myself out of a pre spiralling state so much harder than an actual spiral

Like when I’m already at my lowest I can eventually go “alright, enough crying you useless dishrag, there’s shit that needs to be done, go wash up and then eat or god help me–”

But when I’m only at the point where my anxiety is still brewing and the thoughts are still mostly quiet, getting up is like wading through molasses, like my brain wants me to keep rotting away in bed until I do end up spiralling. I’ve been awake for almost 3 hours and haven’t even gone to the bathroom yet, and no matter how much I try to distract myself because I really, really don’t want to have a breakdown today, I can think of nothing else but how terrified I am. It’s all consuming and I just can’t stop…

[nahalism]

did you ever need to take sth like antidepressants for anxiety or panick attacks? I recall you speakin about having dealth with them in the past & been wonderin if you ever tried medicating urself for it / would consider it if your nerves were getting too much 4 u at some point down the line or did you develop ur own way around those little&big pits of hell

xX

heyyyyy <3 (this will b long but this question deserves a thorough answer so hope thats ok)

ive been strongly encouraged to take various medications over the years, particularly for anxiety/mood stabilisation, and twoish weeks ago i ended up in hospital cause literally i lost my mind, and i felt so out of it that thats the first time i ever considered not just wanting, but needing medication in order to function. however, i didnt, cause i dont like making decisions in the moment (desperation leads to desperate decisions) and because before that experience and even during it, ive never felt convinced that medication was the solution to the problems i was facing. 1) due to the physical, mental and emotional side effects. & 2) because im not convinced the people prescribing the meds even know what is 'wrong' with me.— a lot of that has to do with the nhs being a mess, (its quicker to get meds than wait thru the referral time to get diagnosed & into therapy) but also, theres a lot of comorbidity in the diagnosis ive been given, so there are multiple things to treat & in their eye's medication gives a faster result than unpacking all of that individually. the recommendation was to put me on a cocktail of drugs that can fuck up my liver kidneys and endocrine system to 'see if it will work' .. :/.

the only thing that has ever worked for me is sitting with myself and my emotions, acknowledging them, doing things at my pace in my time, and structuring my life in a way that is tailored for me and my success rather than being successful in the world or in a socially accepted way. that means having a morning routine that caters to my mental emotional and physical health, (mindful practices, yoga, gardening, sound work etcetc), and finding ways to continue that throughout the day (working creatively and limiting my exposure to people or situations that are not for me/overstimulate me).

that being said, this routine (which is still being refined and altered) works pretty well for me, but comes with sacrifices and isnt fool proof. symptoms of my mental illness still persist & without being medicated people are less lenient when helping someone they feel isnt 'helping themselves', im also still working on how to be as sociable as id like to be, and often my spirals are triggered by the very system i have in place to help me. i often face feeling like a let down, like im lazy, like im a weirdo/recluse, like im incapable of being a normal person etc etc. for example, a lot of the friends i graduated with have experienced crazy growth in their careers and have a sense of social and financial security that i dont have because they can function year round, whereas i have months at a time where i dont feel myself and have to disappear in order to keep sanity and peace in my being, lol. that, and the fact that it takes me a lot of base maintenance and effort to function as a normal person makes me feel like shit if i let it, so i constantly have to remind myself on top of the work i do daily, that whilst there are things others have/experience, that i dont, the inverse is also true, and theres beauty to me being me in my way. and .. yeah 🤷🏽‍♀️. that part is hard. but its also worth it to me and has taught me a lot

all that being said, do your own research and decide what feels right and what is best for YOU. speak to your doctors, therapists, and friends who may be medicated, or look on forums online for perspectives from both sides. [*if anyone reading this has a helpful opinion 2 offer pls comment]. the feeling of helplessness when your in the throws of whatever mental illness you suffer from can be debilitating and if taking a pill everyday or when you need it can fix that, no ones opinion should sway you from doing what you need to do to function. some of my friends who are medicated swear by medication!! (particularly when it comes to adhd meds) cause not being able to process thoughts and function is horrible and ruins lives needlessly.

so yh.. i hope this helps. as long as you do whats best for you, i have no doubt you will find your way through this and that it will be worth it. above all, know that the power of your will, your mind, and your person, is what makes you special, and so even if it takes more for you to show up than it does others, that's absolutely fine. take your time with it, and know what nothing is wasted, because you have no idea the good that can come from working out the details. most of the advice i have to offer comes from making it thru an existential crisis or bout of depression. <3

blessings 2 u love

[abimee]

On madness: a personal account of rapid cycling bipolar disorder

Anonymous

Copyright and License information Disclaimer

I became unwell suddenly, unexpectedly and severely 5 years ago. I was working as a full-time GP at the time with a growing list and four small children.

Initially, I had days when I was intensely irritable with my family and suffered from episodes of anxiety and tension headaches. I put these down to the long hours I was working and a full social life at the time. Then driving down the motorway one day I decided it would be appropriate for me to crash the car and end my life. This was the start of very strong suicidal thoughts and impulses that would pop into my head unbidden and needed real mental energy to resist acting them out.

In the meantime I was also having difficulty working, at times literally dragging a deeply fatigued body and an equally befuddled brain into the consultation, managing by treating one person at a time, rather than look at a whole fully-booked surgery. On other days I found work a useful distractor from the milder symptoms of my depression. Then again, at other times I was full of energy, enjoyed patient contact and was continually looking round for extra things for myself and the family to do.

Gradually, I noticed that working long nights and weekends became intolerable, which I initially put down to having young children rather than believing that I might be ill.

As my mood fluctuated so widely and on a day-to-day basis it was difficult for me to see that I needed help. In the end my husband encouraged me to make an appointment with my GP.

My GP wisely referred me straight on to a psychiatrist, unwisely she started me on an antidepressant not having asked about symptoms of elevated mood as I was clinically so depressed at the time.

My psychiatrist signed me off work initially with depression, but eventually with bipolar disorder, and thus began several years of treatment.

Antidepressants, mood stabilisers, ECT, antipsychotics, thyroid hormones, lithium, psychotherapy and hospital admissions made no difference to the unstable pattern of abrupt mood swings, rapid cycling, bipolar depressions, and mixed mood states with psychotic features woven throughout.

Go to:

WHAT IS IT LIKE TO LIVE WITH THIS CONDITION ON A DAY-BY-DAY BASIS?

This illness is about being trapped by your own mind and body. It's about loss of control over your life. Bipolar disorder is multipolar affecting not just energy levels, but behaviour and physiology. To onlookers it seems that your whole personality has changed; the person they know is no longer in evidence. At times they can be sucked into believing that the changes are permanent.

My mood may swing from one part of the day to another. I may wake up low at 10 am, but be high and excitable by 3 pm. I may not sleep for more than 2 hours one night, being full of creative energy, but by midday be so fatigued it is an effort to breathe.

If my elevated states last more than a few days, my spending can become uncontrollable and I have to hand over my credit cards to my husband, which takes a great effort of willpower otherwise I make purchases I will later regret. I remember being entranced by 18-metre lengths of coiled yellow extension wire. In my heightened state of awareness the coils of yellow looked exquisitely beautiful and irresistible. I wanted to buy several at once.

I will sometimes drive faster than usual, need less sleep and can concentrate well, making quick and accurate decisions. At these times I can also be sociable, talkative and fun, focused at times, distracted at others. If this state of elevation continues I often find that feelings of violence and irritability towards those I love will start to creep in. Concentration and memory start to wane and I can become hypersensitive to noise. The children making their usual noise and my husband singing can drive me to distraction.

My thoughts speed up and I can lie in bed for hours at a time watching pictures on the inner sides of my eyelids. Sometimes words are present and I read them as if engrossed in a good novel. If I were asked to read them out loud they would not make sense. They are a fascinating blur of words and pictures, snatches of poetry and music. I become impatient with myself and those around me who seem to be moving and talking so slowly.

I frequently want to be able to achieve several tasks at the same moment. I may want to read two novels, listen to music and write poetry all simultaneously becoming rapidly frustrated that I cannot do this.

Physically my energy levels can seem limitless. The body moves smoothly, there is little or no fatigue. I can go mountain biking all day when I feel like this and if my mood stays elevated not a muscle is sore or stiff the next day. But it doesn't last, my elevated phases are short, mild and generally manageable, but the shift into severe depression or a mixed mood state occurs sometimes within minutes or hours, often within days and will last weeks often without a period of normality. Indeed I often lose track of what normality is.

Initially my thoughts become disjointed and start slithering all over the place. I will feel that I am physically trying to pin them down in my brain, trying to run ideas together in a coherent way. They will sometimes remain rapid and are accompanied by paranoid delusions causing an inner tension that can only be relieved to some extent by physical activity such as pacing a corridor. I start to believe that others are commenting adversely on my appearance or behaviour. I can become very frightened and antisocial.

The children will detect the mood shift early on and play by themselves as I become more isolative and angry. My sleep will be poor and interrupted by bad dreams. I will change from being the person who has the ideas — is the decision maker — to not being interested in anything at all.

The world appears bleak and a pointless round of social niceties. I will wear my most comfortable, often black clothes, everything else grazes and chafes at my skin.

I become repelled by the proximity of people, acutely aware of interpersonal spaces that have somehow grown closer around me. I will be overwhelmed by the slightest tasks, even imagined tasks. I will see dirt on every surface, weeds all over the garden, and grubby children and feel solely responsible for improving these things.

Physically there is immense fatigue: my muscles scream with pain, an old nephrostomy scar plays up. I ache down to my bone marrow, my joints feel swollen. I become breathless weeding a small patch of garden and have to stop after 2 minutes. I become clumsy and drop things. The exhaustion becomes so complete that eventually I drop into bed fully clothed. Sometimes I will vomit, my digestive processes halted. I will often sleep without being refreshed for up to 18 hours. At times every muscle in my body will tense up and be totally resistant to relaxation. Sweat will pour off me or I will be caught in an attack of shivering unrelated to the ambient temperature. I will shout over and over again in my mind for help, but never get the words past my lips.

Food becomes totally uninteresting or takes on a repulsive flavour, so I will lose weight rapidly during a long depressive phase. Sometimes, I will crave only sweet foods in small quantities. It will often be difficult to bother to drink adequately, which can affect my drug levels and my bowels do not function.

I become unable to concentrate to read a novel for pleasure, for escape. Even a newspaper or magazines become impossible to follow. I start to feel trapped, that the only escape is death. At this point or earlier it becomes a rational decision.

My brain slows right down. I become stuck, unable to answer a simple question, unable to establish eye contact and unable to comprehend what is being asked of me.

I avoid answering the phone or the door. My voice deepens and slows sometimes to the point of slurring. My skin becomes pale and grey in hue. I feel the cold more readily. I will look in the mirror and fail to recognise the person there.

As I begin to slip into a more psychotic state of mind I become unable to recognise something as familiar as the palm of my hand or my children's faces. My sense of space alters and rooms that are familiar appear to have changed dimensions. Simple objects in a room can take on sinister meanings for me.

At this point the world begins to take on a malevolent aspect, which is difficult to describe. Those I love around me become part of a conspiracy to harm me. Their faces will alter and their voices develop a mocking ring. I will hate my husband and other loved ones.

Images just out of my field of vision will be waiting to pounce leaving me in a constant state of vigilance. I have been under the impression that I was rotting under my skin, that my bone marrow is being gnawed away by evil spirits.

Soon the voices and images in my head start telling me what to do.

Stop taking my medications, injure or kill those I love. Destruction. No other way out.

Ultimately they tell me that everything would be better if I killed myself.

I am evil, a burden; I deserve only punishment.

Twisted tales and delusions.

I become passionate about one subject only at these times of deep and intense fear, despair and rage: suicide. The suicidal impulses and images can come at any stage of the illness, even in mania, but are at their most intense and irresistible during psychotic phases.

For months at a time I have carried ropes, blades and enough tricyclic antidepressants to kill me twice over, in the boot of my car. In the past I have had access to a fatal pharmacoepia of emergency drugs through my general practice work.

I know where to buy a gun. I know the fatal dosages of the drugs I take. I have considered railway crossings, bridges over rivers, driving off roads into valleys and electrocution. I have made close attempts on my life by hanging and drowning over the last few years.

Sadly, the impact of suicide on my children does not avail me when I am ill. I consider myself to be such a huge burden to them at these times that I believe suicide to be a relief, a final gift to them from a mother who can do no more. A person who has reached the limit of endurance.

At times I will experience images of extreme violence towards others, often family members and those close to me, but on occasions complete strangers. Occasionally, I feel completely detached and dispassionate and compelled to act on these images: more often they are extremely distressing to me. When in a normal state of mind I find these images abhorrent in the extreme.

Fortunately, those who care for me have been able to recognise these unsafe states and admit me to hospital. Then inexplicably, my mood will shift again.

The fatigue drops from my limbs like shedding a dead weight, my thinking returns to normal, the light takes on an intense clarity, flowers smell sweet and my mouth curves to smile at my children, my husband and I am laughing again. Sometimes it's for only a day but I am myself again, the person that I was a frightening memory. I have survived another bout of this dreaded disorder.

It's a continuous round fought on a daily basis. If I'm lucky I will get a few days every few months when I am completely normal and don't have to make continual allowances for my mood state.

So why am I still here? I don't know. Possibly luck. Possibly the tiny scrap of humanity that remains even in my most psychotic and suicidal states, which allows me to express the desperation and loss of control that I am experiencing, so that caregivers and treating clinicians can respond appropriately and keep me safe. A little hope. Some denial.

I have lost my job, intellectual stimulation and my social life. Sometimes I wonder how my marriage holds together and I am continually anxious about the effects of my illness on my children and whether I will end up like too many other people with severe bipolar disorder, separated from them permanently.

There have been relationships broken and distorted, and relationships that have held fast and true through the worst of its manifestations. Making new friends has often been too difficult. Those who know of my illness have sometimes become accommodating and flexible, others have not.

I have had to tolerate opinions from all sorts of people who think that if I only did something differently I would be restored to full health. This has varied from advice to take multivitamins, regular massage, a holiday, a return to my country of origin, meditation, regular prayer, church attendance to the avoidance of atmospheric pollutants and negative thinking.

It's taught me that even with the best psychiatric care some people do not respond to medication, do not get better. However, I am grateful that I have had the best care available to me throughout and that I had completed my family before the onset of this illness. I am also grateful that I was able to take out income protection insurance several years prior to becoming ill, otherwise like many other mentally ill people we would be impoverished.

This illness is about having to live life at its extremes of physical and mental endurance, having to go to places that most people never experience, would never want to experience. It has been about having unthought of limitations placed on your life, your career, your family. For my family it's been about adjusting to totally altered dynamics, having a mother who is often unable to be there for them, for them to have to live with the flux of my moods and the disturbance that comes with recurrent hospitalisations.

It's about having to rely on others for help when you are feeling at your most vulnerable and exposed. It's about being stigmatised.

It has become about trying to stay alive and living life fully in the brief periods of normality or mild elevation that occur from time to time.

Otherwise, rapid cycling bipolar disorder is an unrelenting scourge.

[avillainousmagician]

I should not have looked up if the OU has practical art degrees because they do and I'm just really upset now because I still wouldn't be able to do it no matter how much I would like to finish the other half of my degree because I know I would just freak out about e-mails and not be able to handle deadlines just the same as what eventually happened during my third attempt at a degree. I'm in a much better place mental health wise and physical health wise and I wouldn't be in and out of hospital like I was but I just feel it would be another expensive disaster.

Maybe if the ADHD screening is positive maybe that'll give me the right kind of help. Since being on mood stabilisers got rid of my hypomanic ability to check e-mails and meet deadlines (that doesn't mean I in any way want off the mood stabilisers) which helped me through the first and second years that went well at DJCAD, I'm left with my extreme flakiness and problems finishing things and being late etc etc. It's the last thing I want fixed, I didn't notice as much when I was getting the other things fixed. Like, being Autistic was Thing 'Wrong' Number 1 and then the mood issues were Thing Wrong Number 2 and I have them under control, now I am left looking at my chronic, severe disorganisation and how much that in fact causes me terrible problems. I hope I get it fixed. I'm worried my high achieving, high masking childhood that made the first bit of the questionnaire seem like a very definite 'no' will be the end of the endeavour. I was still the same way as a child, terribly messy and problems with deadlines and stuff, I just had a proper routine with school and everything and lots of supportive adults plus I was like, 'gifted' type smart and that made up for the fact I put practically no effort into anything the whole way through school and so still got five As at Higher regardless.

I dunno how to explain this properly. I need to finish the form...it's been months of avoiding it...

[1stepforward2stepsbackcarousel]

Tumblr fairy godparents, help, please

I have a very good friend who has been hospitalised for the third time in the last few years for being "unstable" and "manic". She never got a diagnosis just a stint on the ward and pills to "stabilise" her. And none of the psychiatrists/psychologists/councilors she followed up with ever seemed to help her cope in any practical way. She works so diligently and consciously on herself and has made wonderful progress so this latest crash has been a shock to all of us including herself.

I know it doesn't say much one way or the other, but they gave her pills also used for mood stabilization in people with borderline and/or bipolar. (As you can tell i have almost no clue about these conditions, that's why I'm asking. I have experience with depression and adhd symptoms)

She does go through phases of upheaval that I cannot relate to. And have no practical advice to help her deal with them. She got herself her dream job this year, and even picked up her university courses again. It was a huge and difficult adjustment for her but she persevered and started to thrive. And now it seems it's all lying in pieces at her feet again. It drives me spare; when she just needs competent help managing her actual condition (whatever that is).

So in lieu of our dearly beloved (but still somewhat inconsistently helpful when it comes to mental health) public health system, I ask you, tumblr

How do you know when the high ist too high (she's never done/bought anything too outrageous), how to tell that that high is about to turn on a dime and land you in a hospital? How do you check your perception against reality and what are some warning signs that help you? How do you manage your sleep and food? What do your friends/family do that helps? Any online resources you trust on this topic? What would your advice be to her and to me, as her friend?

I dearly appreciate any and all insight you provide! Thank you.

[cph-dreaming]

Day # 25

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are.”

- Kurt Cobain

For some people receiving a psychiatric diagnosis will feel like an embarrassment, a stigmatising stamp. For others it will come as a relief, an explanation for all the things one wasn’t able to understand before. For most of us who receive it, it will probably be a combination of both.

Today was judgement day. Or not quite. The first thing the clinical psychologist said to me in our session today was that it had been difficult for her to come up with an exact diagnosis because (and I quote literally) “D, you really are one of a kind.” Thankfully she laughed after saying it so I shall take it not only as that I’m a special kind of nutcase but also as a compliment. Apparently I don’t quite fit into those narrow boxes they use in their diagnostic procedures as some of my symptoms and behaviours are correspondent with several kinds of MI’s, others negate the obvious explanations. What made a diagnosis even more difficult was that evidently I am extremely cognitive in my self-awareness, even when I’m hypomanic as I’ve been the last few weeks. So the best she could do was to give me a preliminary diagnosis and refer me to ‘Rigshospitalet’, “Denmark’s leading hospital for patients needing highly specialised treatment”, also in psychiatry. Wow!

So what is the preliminary diagnosis? Well [drumroll], I have a kind of Bipolar Disorder (surprise, surprise), maybe Bipolar II with a tendency towards Rapid Cycling. On top of that there are signs that I also might have Impulsive Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder although the clinical psychologist wasn’t sure of it as I have the ability to form meaningful long-term relationships with friends and family. Besides, “borderline personality disorder is often diagnostically comorbid with depression and anxiety, eating disorders such as bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder, substance misuse disorders and bipolar disorder (with which it is also sometimes clinically confused)” [British Psychological Society]. And supposedly a double diagnosis of both BP and BPD is rather rare. So she would instead of treating me here discharge me and let the specialists at the Centre for Affective Disorders have the pleasure of my company.

Honestly I don’t really know how I feel about it. More or less unconsciously I have spent my day talking on the phone with family and friends since the session just before noon and only an hour ago I sat down in my own room by myself trying to understand what all those fancy words actually mean. There is some kind of solace in knowing that I am bonkers and not just a drama queen (although I can be that as well, thank you very much). It is also reassuring that going forward I will be treated by some of the best specialists in this country. Most of all right now I am so much looking forward to going home and sleeping in my own bed again!

Being admitted here has totally destroyed my preconceptions and prejudices about psychiatric hospitals. I am still so much in awe of the staff, their professionalism and empathy and it’s been years since I have felt as safe as I have here. So it’ll be strange to go home on Friday however much I’m looking forward to it. Thankfully I will not be left to myself but be connected with a team that works with discharged patients until I can get an appointment at ‘Riget’. The psychiatrist here has deemed that I still need some kind of support as I am phasing out of my antidepressants and up the mood stabilisers. All in all I have faith in the future of my treatment.

Let me end by repeating myself from some days ago: If You are not ok mentally or emotionally, please do not hesitate to reach out to other people. Although it might feel like it, there is nothing shameful about needing help to get by. Life is too precious not to!

[enochianess]

Alex, Spain

When I was 11, I was bullied at school. I fell into depression, I never told anyone about the bullying and I had no idea what depression was because no one around me talks about those things. But I was sad and when my parents noticed it, they just told me that I was too young to be sad and I had no reason for it. I tried to kill myself the first time that year. After that, my mum forced me to tell her what was wrong and I had no choice but to tell them about the bullying. She went to talk with my tutor and he and the other teacher did nothing for me. Not even after knowing I was trying to commit suicide.

I started high school the next year, and my old classmates started spreading lots of lies about me, as more people started bullying me. I stopped eating. I started self-harming. My tutor sent me to the school’s counsellor and he diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, anorexia and borderline personality disorder when I was 14.

I tried to kill myself for the second time that year, and between that and the fact that I was really underweight, they took me to a mental hospital and I stayed there for two months.

I got better enough to be allowed out again, but when I went back to school, my classmates started bullying me again and my parents were no help at all: they told me they thought I was “crazy and a danger”. 

The counsellor eventually sent me to a therapist that treated kids/teens and she was the one who gave me the Bipolar II diagnosis. She explained to my parents what I was going through and how they should act, and prescribed me some meds. 

I was 15, I was being bullied at school after some of my classmates outed me and my then girlfriend, I had just come out of a mental clinic, my parents thought I was crazy, I had no friends and was so lost I only wanted to die because I thought the world would be better off without me.

So, I’ve “officially” been dealing with bipolar disorder for 12 years, with anxiety and depression for 13 years.

Regarding bipolarity, it’s the worst for me. I will never be able to be “normal” and I know it and it hurts and makes me wonder what’s the purpose of my life. After getting the diagnosis, I cried for hours, refused to eat, refused to go to school, and I self-harmed a lot because at least I could feel something, even if it was only pain. My parents looked at me like they were scared of me and barely spoke to me. They yelled at me, left me alone when I had an episode, didn’t get me my medication half the time. Apparently, not self-harming for a while was a sign of being better, so I “no longer needed them”. 

The first time I heard voices in my head, I had a panic attack. I didn’t know what was happening and still couldn’t recognise episodes back then.

For me, mixed episodes are the worst. I never know how I’m going to act during one and I’m not even aware of half the things I do, unless I have a moment of clarity.

Depressive episodes are the most common for me and I can be pretty self-destructive during those.

Manic or hypomanic episodes are less common, but equally bad. I feel full of energy, and while sometimes I realise it’s not real, but a symptom of my mania, other times I just think I’m having a good day. The only reason I prefer these episodes over my depressive ones is because at least I’m not thinking about dying all the time. I think about enjoying life and travelling around the world and making friends and I feel more creative and I almost feel normal. But I’m not, and I know I’’m ill and it will end and my depression will come back.

I’m not taking my medication right now because I hate feeling so numb. I’m tired all the time because I can’t sleep. With the mood stabilisers I sometimes take, I can’t also take the tablets I need for my insomnia because they can’t be mixed together, so I have to choose one or the other.

Link to project

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

DOTW 19 - Full

Hanji wanted to throw a Welcome Home party for him, while Eren didn't want a party. They'd compromised, and now Eren was hiding out in his room, avoiding said party. Marco had already found him, his friend's stomach swollen into a small adorable bump, which his ear was against. Downstairs Levi was with Hanji and Moblit, after clinging to the presence of the alpha while copped up in hospital, his anxieties were now getting the better of him. He didn't know what to say, or do. It didn't matter that he'd missed Levi while he was with Zeke, nor did it matter that he'd ached for him during his heat. Even if it'd been 8 weeks, it felt like a lifetime had passed between them "Eren, you still awake?" Scratching his scalp lightly, Eren hummed up at Marco "Yeah. Barely though. I'm a terrible host. You're the one who's pregnant, yet I'm the one laying with my head in your lap" Marco laughed lightly. His friend didn't seem to care he'd disappeared completely, only that he was finally back. He'd spent the first hour or so, not knowing what to say. Then Marco had followed him up to his room, and made the first move. He'd assured him he didn't have to talk if he wasn't ready, for that he was grateful. Marco was so soft and sweet. He didn't want him to know "You've got a boot thing on your leg, and a cast on your arm. All I've got is a baby and indigestion" "You're going to be such a good mum. Do you know what it is?" "We decided to wait until they're born" "Awww. Either way, it's going to be adorable if it looks like you" "I just hope it doesn't have Jean's big head" Giggling, Eren had to agree with that. Something that big, just wasn't supposed to come out an opening that small. Babies in general were weird, but pregnancy was even weirder "It's still cool though. A tiny person is growing inside you" "One day, you'll have your own tiny person inside you" "I don't know about that. That means finding an alpha, and having sex and all that seems like effort" "What do you mean, finding an alpha? What about Levi?" Groaning, Eren rolled onto his side so he was facing away from Marco's stomach "That's complicated" "What's so complicated about it?" "I'm not in the headspace for anything. We got close... but I can't... I can barely stand being touched. I mean like, you're ok because you're an omega, but alphas... it's iffy" "You know, I don't think Jean would mind if you stayed with us" "No. This place is as good as any. It just feels weird being back" "Um... I know I said I wasn't going to push you to talk, but if you want to. I'll listen" "It's ok. It's nicer than the hospital" "Other than the stairs" "Yeah. I'm over them already. When we came home yesterday, Hanji sent me up to have a nap, then she called me down for dinner, then she sent me back to up to my room, then called me down again to see if I wanted to watch a movie with her and Moblit. 5 times up and down those stairs... it was definitely some kind of torture" "Jean's all paranoid about the baby. He won't let me do steps. I'm like 5 months. Steps are not the end of the world" "He just loves you" "He does. He's working a crazy amount of overtime so he can buy everything. I told him I didn't have to quit work, but he wants to take care of us" "You're lucky you have a good alpha" "I know I am. Do you know if Hanji's had any luck conceiving yet?" "I have no idea. Probably. I get the feeling that if she was, she wouldn't want to tell me" "Why not?" "She'd say she doesn't want me worrying or something" "I hope she does. Fall pregnant I mean" "Mmm. She'd be another good mum. The kid would be crazy, and Moblit would probably have a mental breakdown, but he'd love every second of it" Without really realising, Eren's right hand had moved to his stomach. His last heat had been rough. The need to breed, with Levi, and to be thoroughly bred into pregnancy physically hurt. He'd sobbed for the alpha, while Zeke was away for work. He'd nearly broken down the apartment door in his haze of need "I think you'd made a good mum too. Your kids would have such pretty eyes" "I don't know. I think I'd be scared for them to be an omega" "Things are changing for omegas" "Yeah, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to change. Sorry. I don't want to be a downer, not when this little ones growing so fast" Yawning, he closed his eyes "I think we could both use a nap. I don't even do things, and I'm still tired" "It should be ok, I mean, I should be ok if you want to nap up here" "You just want me in your bed and under the covers" "Can you blame me? You're nice and warm" And omega. And omega who wasn't going to hold him down, or try and bond with him. His omega was loving the contact of another person, something none of the alphas in his life could give. Moblit didn't even have to touch him for him to want to vomit, while Hanji left his stomach rolling because she kept forgetting about the "no touching" thing. He honestly didn't know how to make this situation work, when his nerves and anxieties, coupled with his retraining made the house feel so unwelcome. Even when it came to his room, he felt like he was invading and that he shouldn't be there "I need to pee again. Get comfy while I'm gone?" "I don't think I'd have the patience to pee every five minutes" "You should have seen the morning sickness then. It got so bad that Jean made a bed in the guest bathroom for me" "That's kind of..." "Gross and sweet at the same time?" "Yeah" "It was" Wriggling off Marco's lap, Eren waited until his friend was standing before crawling under the covers of his bed. He hadn't asked Hanji to invite Levi and Marco over, so as far as he was concerned, Hanji could deal with Levi. He and Marco both wanted to nap, so they would. He just hoped he wouldn't have a nightmare or wake up screaming, or even worse, hit Marco. He truly treasured his friendship with the omega, and even if it meant forcing himself not to think about everything he'd missed in his absence, he wanted to salvage it. He wanted to be there for Marco and his baby. Rubbing his swell as he walked across to Eren's bed, Marco smiled shyly as he climbed under the covers to join him "The baby was kicking again" "And I missed it?" "Sorry. They're super active, but seem to get all shy when someone's around" "So they're already taking after you" Teasing Marco gently, his friend took his hand and slipped it up under his shirt "Wait... there, can you feel it?" There was the faintest of movements beneath his fingertips, yet his heart swelled at the sensation. His omega piping up about how much it wanted a child. Part of him was still jealous it wasn't him who was pregnant, but the feeling of Marco's baby was amazing "Yeah... wow" "It's a little strange" "It's awesome" "Jean says he never feels it" "It's really faint. He was probably expecting a solid kick" "It's a solid kick inside me" "Mmm. I can't even imagine" Sliding his cast hand free, he rest it on Marco's hip. His friend starting to purr as he wrapped in one arm loosely around him "I really missed this. I missed hanging out with you" "I missed you too. I still haven't gone through all your texts, but I saw your ultrasounds" "It's ok. They're just mostly me talking at you. I haven't got that many friends, and being home alone gets lonely" "I promise I'll message back. I'm still trying to get through all the ones Levi sent" "Didn't Levi know you didn't have your phone?" "He did... he, um, he said he was looking for me, and he'd message me about his day" "You say you don't have an alpha, but I'm pretty sure if you told Levi you wanted to bond, he'd give you his mark in a heartbeat" He probably would... but the idea of being marked was scary as fuck. Having a permanent connection to one person for the rest of your life seemed an impossible dream "He's a good alpha. Hanji used to apologise for his bluntness and his crankiness, but he wasn't really like that with me. I don't know why" "Because you're cute?" "No, I'm all tall and thin" "And totally cute. Even with your moonboot and cast" Groaning, Eren buried his face in his pillow "I'm so over casts and boots and splints. Hanji said it has to stay on during the day until I've recovered completely" He had to take all sorts of pills too. Painkillers, mood stabilisers, antidepressants, anti nausea, vitamins. He was well and truly over taking tablets "How do you even shower?" "In a stupid chair. I wanted to have a bath last night, but that meant not getting the splint wet, or the cast and then that seemed like too much effort" "Doesn't it get wet in the shower?" "I take the splint and that off. And it doesn't get soaked like in a bath. Anyway. Tell more about the baby" "I've learnt that pregnancy makes you like super horny. Jean can't keep his hands off me" Wrinkling his nose, the omega shook his head "I said that baby. Not your sex life" "I'm just saying. All it takes is a whiff of Jean..." "Lalalala" Pinching him, Eren poked his tongue out "Fine. The baby is going great. Right on the track. Good vitals... good heartbeat. Tiny and perfect. We've been trying to decide on the nursery. I was thinking scandi-chic, but Jean was thinking more fun" "Scandi-chic has been done to death" "That's because it works" "It worked so well that everything looks the same. There's nothing really special about it. This little bean of yours is special" "They are. I don't know... there's just so many options" "Just avoid Jean's opinions and you'll be safe" "I can picture it now. A bright red wall for a newborn. It's not exactly calming" His voice shook slightly "Red isn't a great colour" Red was the colour of blood... red blood that didn't stop... "Eren?" His scent had shifted, betraying his miniblip of fear "Sorry. It's ok. Just, yeah. What about green? Or blue?" "Yeah, but do you know how many shades there are?" "We could, um, look at them together?" He didn't want to boss Marco into his ideas or ruin his dreams... "That would be so much help. I've been looking at everything on my own, well, when Jean isn't home to stop me and it feels like someone's split by head open, and everything is just melting out" "I don't think it works that way" "There's just so much! People used to raise babies in tents, and now they're like, each baby has to have its own room..." "Ok. Ok. I don't get it, but we'll take a look after our nap?" "Mmm. I have photos on my phone. I've like screen-shotted everything so I can show Jean" Resuming his purr, Eren's own omega began to purr back, feeding off of Marco's happiness and pheromones. Apparently it was common for omegas to feel maternal when around pregnant omegas, leaving him to hope he didn't just blurt out how jealous he was and ruin it all. Neither of them actually fell asleep. After a few minutes, Marco started giggling before he started tickling him. Unable to retaliate without the fear of smacking Marco's stomach, he pled for mercy until his friend finally stopped "Isn't it funny. I was so tired before, but now we're lying down, I can't get to sleep" Sighing softly, he patted Marco's hip "Grab your phone then, we'll start looking at baby things" "I thought you were sleepy" "I'm not promising I'll stay awake..." "Hey, my tastes aren't so boring that they'll put you to sleep" "I don't know, I haven't seen them yet" "You know, if they do put you to sleep, it's a good sign it's going to put the baby to sleep" "I give you permission to baby me if I fall asleep" Marco groaned, shaking his head as he fished out his phone "Don't even go there. Since my breasts started to develop, Jean won't leave them alone" "They're so tiny and cute" "I'll give you tiny.... and cute..." Tapping on his phone, Marco pulled up his latest ultrasound. Eren awwed over the small image "See" "Very tiny and very cute. I yield. Now, I want to see everything" Marco had what seemed to be thousands of screenshots, leaving Eren's head muddled. He could see why Marco was struggling, and understand why Jean couldn't catch up. His friend had so many ideas, and couldn't just settle on one. It was completely adorable. Marco's scent was so happy, his eyes bright as he talked a million miles a minute. Time slipped away from them completely, until a light knock interrupted Marco "Hey boys, sorry but Jean is out the front. He said he messaged?" Marco rolled over, beginning to climb from his bed "Thanks Hanji. We got caught up talking all things baby" "Did you two have a good time?" "Yeah. I'll see you soon, right Eren?" "Yep. If you get any more ideas, message me" "I might just message you anyway" "Sounds good. Hanji, make sure he gets down the stairs ok?" "You're not coming down? Moblit made cake" "He doesn't like the stairs" Turning back to look at him, Eren poked his tongue out at Marco "Dobber" "You started it" "I'm legitimately worried about you... and you're the one who said Jean won't let you do stairs alone" "I didn't think you'd use it against me" "It's all part of my evil plan" Marco rolled his eyes "I think that means he's staying in bed" "Yep. Thanks for coming over... I needed this. There hasn't been much to laugh about lately" His friend gave softened before brightening again "I know. Call me if you need me. Anytime" "I will" He wouldn't. He really wouldn't, but Marco looked so hopeful about it. * Levi'd expected Eren to be a little distant now that he was back at Hanji's, but he hadn't expected Eren to be in bed with his best friend. More than once he'd caught the sound of the pair of omegas giggling or laughing about something. Something that Eren had sorely needed after his recent stay in Shinganshima Memorial. Hanji had gushed over how cute the pair of them where, laying in bed together. He hadn't meant for his alpha to raise its jealous head. He was happy Eren had a friend he could trust... it just sucked it wasn't him. He'd thought with how close they're gotten, and with how Eren didn't want to be touched, that maybe he was special. The omega had let him hold him. Had let him comfort him and be there. Now Eren had Marco, he felt discarded. Eren didn't even want to come down for cake, despite the amount of effort Moblit had gone exerted to make the beast of a creation, and he didn't have an actual reason for wanting to go check on the brat, other than fact he was curious and jealous. Passing him two plates of cake, Levi frowned deeply at them "You've been glaring at it since I came back down. Just go talk to Eren already" "He's..." "Probably not sure what to say. He's in a good mood, so go see him already" Standing next to her husband, Hanji elbowed Moblit's side "Uh. What? Yeah" "You have no idea what just happened, do you?" Moblit snorted lightly "I never do. Why don't you take that up to Eren? You can use it as excuse to talk to him" Laughing, Hanji shoved a kiss to Moblit's cheek "That's what I was saying. You should really listen to what I say more often" "Yes, dear" The pair of them were so in love that it was disgusting. Placing his plate down, he looked at the slice for Eren. It was way too big. The omega wouldn't even be able to finish a third of it, then he'd probably feel guilty over not eating it all. They all knew Eren had bad eating habits, he didn't need a guilt trip over them on his second night back "Go on. Go talk to him already" "I'm going. God. You two are as bad as each other" Eren's door was open, Levi heart momentarily stopping in panic as the unwanted memories of their argument came back. He could see the omega laying in his bed, yet his alpha was still panicked. Eren had run once... what if he left them again? "Are you coming in, or staying out there?" Snorting at the brat's cheek, Levi walked into Eren's room "I have cake" "I can see..." Placing the plate down on the bedside table, he didn't know what to do with himself. Eren's room smelt more of Marco than Eren. The man's scent irritating his nose, and upsetting his alpha. His alpha wanted to protect Eren more than anything in the world, but with the scent of pregnant omega, it wanted to protect Marco too. Conflicted over it own confusion, Levi sighed to himself. He'd swapped suppressants again now that was back at work, so he was still waiting for them to stabilise everything "You can, um, sit. I don't mind" "You don't have to force yourself" "It's ok... having Marco helped my omega settle" Sitting on the edge of Eren's bed, he waited for Eren to pull himself into a sitting position before retrieving the piece of cake and passing it over "Holy shit..." "Yeah. Moblit got a bit carried away, but you don't have to finish it all" "I don't think I can stomach it..." Compared to everything Eren had been eating, the cake was probably was too rich for him to keep it down "Just try a small bit. It's better than hospital food" "Are you going to have some?" "This bit is all yours" "I don't want to eat on my own" "Just eat a little and I'll finish the rest" "Was he mad?" "Mad?" "Because I didn't go down" "Nah. He knows it's going to take some time getting used to be being back here" "Here isn't so bad... it's better than the hospital" "Then why were you hiding up here all night? Did I do something?" "You? No... Marco and I were talking about the baby. He and Jean decided not to find out if it's a boy or girl" If that was all, that didn't explain why they were laying in bed together, and not talking in the living room. If it wasn't him, then it must be Moblit "He looked happy" "He is. He's got so many plans for the nursery that he can't make his mind up" "As long as he doesn't listen to Jean, things should be alright" "I said the same thing... Jean made him quit his job, and Marco's always been so social..." "He's got you to talk to" "Mmm... I don't know how helpful I am though" "I'm sure you two can figure it out" Eren sounded excited about the baby, leaving Levi wondering if the omega wanted a child of his own. Eren would make a good mother. He'd been through so much shit, that he'd be a fierce protector of his pup "Do you want kids?" "I... uh, I don't know. When you have a baby, you're stuck with the father in their lives. If you leave your alpha, they're the one who gets custody... if I had a baby, I don't think I could give them up" He would never make Eren give up their child... no. They weren't a couple. He shouldn't be thinking of nice a well bred Eren would look, or how badly he wanted to be the one to sire his pups. Picking at the top of the cake, Eren sighed softly "Are you sure Moblit isn't mad at me?" "He's not mad. He just got a little carried away while baking" "It's not him. Can you let him know? I don't want to be scared of him, but the house is so big, and I don't feel like I belong here... and the stairs. I fucking hate stairs" "I'm glad it's not personal" "It's not. My nerves are just a bit messed up. Hanji makes me take all these pills. I don't like taking pills" "It won't be forever" "It just feels like it" Finally breaking off a small piece of cake, Eren popped the piece in his mouth, before pulling a face "That good?" "It's too sweet" Taking the plate back, his hand brushed Eren's. Eren letting go of the plate as he cringed from the contact "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" "No. It took me by surprise. I was ok with Marco, so I should have been ok with you" "Eren" "No. It's stupid... I should be over this" Placing the plate down, Levi held his hands up as if surrendering "You're healing. You don't need to force yourself. We're happy you're here, even though it's not under the best circumstances" "You mean because I'm back only because Zeke died" "Yeah" Fuck. Just. Fuck "I think I want to go bed now" He'd stepped on the Zeke mine, now Eren was throwing up his walls, practically ruining all the work Marco had done to make Eren feel relaxed and happy to be back "Do you want me to stay?" "No. Can you take the cake too?" "Sure. If you need anything, message me" "Yeah. Sure" Taking Eren's slice of cake back downstairs with him, Levi dragged his feet. He'd heard the start of Eren's purring before he'd even reached the doorway. The omega becoming distressed all over again, thanks to him. Joining Hanji and Moblit in the kitchen, Hanji sagged at the sight of the mostly intact piece of cake "He didn't want it?" "No, it wasn't that. After hospital food, it was a bit too much" Moblit sighed softly. He knew this was an attempt at making sure Eren felt welcome "Oh..." "We talked. You haven't done anything wrong. He's just readjusting to being here, and not loving the stairs, or the boot. Marco was a good idea. He was pretty happy to see him again" "I didn't even think. I should have made something lighter..." "Moblit. It's not you, and it's never been you or Hanji or even me. It's whatever was done to him in the past, and his brother was murdered in front of him by seems of it. It's shit. He's been sent back to step one and he's scared and lonely all over again" "Has he said anything about Zeke?" Levi shook his head "I accidentally went there, and he kicked me out" "I've booked him an appointment with his counsellor... do you think he'll be ok with that?" "As long as you ask him, and you're there waiting for him. Last time he was there he had a pretty big panic attack when he came out" "Do you want to take him?" "When is it?" "Friday afternoon" "I've got work. I'm still on probation" Hanji nodded "Then I'll take him, I thought maybe if you did, it wouldn't be so bad for him. I've sent through a fax to Thomas, outlining what we think happened, and Zeke's death. Also the needle thing. I don't want to believe he used, and his blood results didn't show any illicit drugs in his system, but his prints were the only one on the needle" Hanji had been "harassing" the police since they'd visited Eren. She was trying to get Zeke's body released, but as the case was "active", it may be some time before that happened. Even though he hated Zeke, he knew Eren would want to see him again, or at least know what happened to him "That sounds like a fun conversation. You spent a week next to your murdered brother, oh, and why was there a needle in your arm? Was it part of your psychopathic brother's training?" His tone dripped with annoyance. It should be up to Eren what he chose to disclose and when, and more importantly to who "You don't need to word it like that" "It doesn't make it any less true. Eren's gone to bed, so I'm going to go. If something goes wrong, let me know" "Oh... ok... now he's home, I suppose you'll be around more often" "That's up to Eren. Just go easy on him over the boot and the stairs. He already thinks he's still in trouble over returning to Zeke" "The boot's for his own good, and it's not like we change the stairs" "I'm just saying, give him space. Don't make a fuss over anything, even if it's complete shit" "It's easy for you to say that. He seems to trust you more than he trusts us" "That's not true. He can't control his phobias or fears" "I saw how you were with him at the hospital" "And now that he's home, he won't let me near him. He was fine with Marco, because Marco is an omega. If you're so worried about upsetting him by, you're only going to push him away further" Since when was he the one who seemed to understand this relationship shit. He didn't get people. He didn't get day after day in a happy relationship. He had no idea where any of this was coming from, but when it came to Eren, it just seemed to come semi-naturally. * Living at Hanji's felt completely off. Zeke had taken special care to show him everything he'd done wrong. His brother had told him what was wrong with him, and now... he felt like he had no right to be moving around her and Moblit's house when they weren't there. It was strange. He'd... he'd missed them all so much. He missed seeing everyone... well, talking with Levi mostly. He'd struggled so hard to accept that he'd never see Levi again. That whatever they'd had, was now over. Zeke had gotten so mad when he'd mentioned Levi, his brother had thrown him in his room before he could even realise what he'd done wrong. He should have been happy to be back with Zeke, but he just... he wasn't. His brother had changed while they'd been apart. His words hurt just as much as when he'd hit him. He always apologised for losing his temper, but Zeke had started to scare him. Some days he'd be in such a bad mood, Eren would hide under his bed from him... until Zeke would drag him out and force him to talk. All he wanted was to be good, so his brother would love him. He didn't understand how he'd changed so much. How he'd become such a bad omega who needed to be retrained so thoroughly. He'd had two heats while back with his brother. His first heat was more or less normal for him. He could still function, but he'd slipped up. He'd thought of when he'd had sex with Levi, and how Hanji said that it was natural for omegas to touch themselves. He'd tried... he'd barely wrapped his hand around his aching erection when Zeke walked in. His brother livid at the action... slapping him so hard he tasted blood, before telling him it was dirty and wrong, before making him shower under the painfully cold water. He hadn't meant to be wrong. Zeke had taken care of him after that. He'd got him fresh pyjamas and underwear, before tucking him up in bed and apologising. Zeke always apologised. He only hit him because he cared. He loved Zeke. Zeke was the only family he had... but now Zeke was gone and he didn't know what to do anymore. Hanji and Moblit were both at work, and if things were how they'd used to be, he would have cleaned through the house by now. But that was wrong. That was invading their privacy. He didn't pay rent. He didn't pay for food, so he didn't deserve to eat any of it. He couldn't even pay them back for his latest stint in hospital. Or for all the medication he had to take. Levi had said they were happy he was back... but... he wasn't getting better. He still didn't want to be touched. He couldn't stay in the same room as Moblit for very long, and Hanji kept giving him looks of pity. So he spent his days in his room. Sometimes he'd talk to Marco, or Levi. But only if they messaged him first. He didn't want to disturb them. He didn't want to be a burden. Both of them were busy with their own lives, while he was simple just wasting oxygen. He'd thought about doing something about it... he really thought about it... but he was too scared it would hurt. He didn't want to hurt anymore. Everyday hurt. He missed Zeke, and he hated him for leaving him behind again. He was so fucking angry with his brother for dying. For making him someone else's problem and for the fact that no one would even talk about Zeke. He knew that was his fault. He always got so worked up when things some how turned towards him. Everyone wanted him to tell them what happened, even Thomas had tried asking... but he wasn't ready. He didn't want to see the blood anymore. He couldn't even remember Zeke's smile or scent... just the blood and the gurgling sound as it bubbled from his mouth. He felt like he was drowning and he didn't know how to pull himself out. It was surprising how much time had passed like that. He'd already been out of hospital for three weeks. He'd seen Marco twice in that time, and only seen Levi that once. He knew Levi would be there for him, if he reached out his hand, Levi would take it. But everyone he'd reached out to was dead. His mother... she'd protected him... so had Zeke and because he was so stupid and useless they were both gone. If Levi died... he couldn't live with it. The man might be short and cranky, and have really weird taste when it came to music... but so many people loved him. Hell, he saved people's lives. All Eren had ever done was let them die. He wanted to be strong. He wanted to be better so his brother would love and rely on him more... then he'd gone and failed him. It left him physically sick. Hanji didn't know it, but when he was alone, he threw up. His fears would get so bad. His stomach knotting and rolling as he wondered if she or Moblit would really come home. Sometimes the nausea lasted for hours, and some times he felt ok after he puked. The medication was supposed to help with it, but he supposed it didn't really work when you were as useless as he was. Medication never worked properly for him anyway. Thomas had asked him why he wasn't on suppressants, then looked at him like he was a freak when he explained they sent him into heat. It wasn't that he didn't like Thomas... he just felt sure that the man didn't like him. He didn't even know if Moblit liked him anymore. He hadn't been able to eat the cake he'd made... or much of his cooking. Moblit always looked so stressed and tired, and if he was putting a strain on him, wasn't it better they just got rid of him? There weren't enough hours in the day to fix his kind of fucked up... so why was he even around? Why did they bother to save him? * Parking in front of Hanji's, Levi climbed from his car. Both Hanji and Moblit were working, which meant Eren was home alone and after weeks of shitty split shifts, he'd finally got a rare day off, which he hoped to spend with Eren. He'd talked a little with Eren, and knew the omega wasn't handling things well. Hanji and Moblit had both said he spent most of his time in his room, so Levi hoped today's outing would perk the kid up. Normally he'd never set foot in a shitty filthy zoo. All the animals and people and shit. That was a nope. But Marco had messaged him, reaching out on Facebook to ask if he'd be up for joining him and Jean at the zoo. He wanted to invite Eren, but was scared his friend might have a panic attack from the crowds, or from Jean opening his mouth without thinking. They were going to meet up at 10, so he had just over an hour to get Eren up and dressed, before the drive. Shinganshima zoo wasn't a very big place, but like the aquarium on the opposite side of town, it conducted a lot of research, with a specialisation in breeding and trying to bring back species from the brink of extinction. Locking his Range Rover, he jogged up the path and to the front door, pressing he doorbell, before straightening out his clothes. He might have put some effort into looking good for Eren. The light grey shirt he wore hugged his chest nicely, while he'd coupled it with black jeans. Attempting causal without being a slob. When Eren didn't answer, he pressed the doorbell again, remembering how much the omega hated stairs. Giving Eren a few more minutes, he sighed to himself as he fished his keys back out, letting himself into Hanji's house "Hello? Eren?!" Closing the door behind him, he already knew Eren wouldn't be downstairs. Which meant heading up to his room. Taking the stairs two at a time, his heart dropped at the sight of Eren's open door. With how quite it was, his first thought was that Eren had run "Eren?!" "Coming!" Relief washed over him. Doubly so when the guest bathroom door opened, only for it to be snuffed out all over again when he was how distressed Eren was. Not caring about the fact Eren didn't want to be touched, the strode over to the brat and wrapped his arms around him "Hey... what happened?" Shaking his head sadly, Eren buried his face against his shirt "I don't know what to do" "Alright. Can you walk? Just to your room?" Sniffling Eren let himself be led back to his room, where he sank down onto his bed. Squatting down in front of him, Levi reached up and brushed his fringe from his face "Bad day?" "Y-yeah... s-sorry" "Wanna tell me about it?" "I... don't want to upset her" Her had to be Hanji "If it's got you this upset, I'm sure she won't mind you telling me" "I... they're going to get rid of me" "That's not happening anytime soon. She's crazy about you" "There... there was a positive test in the bathroom..." Positive test... oh... Hanji was pregnant... "I can't stay here now" "Hey, you know pregnancy isn't an instant thing. There's still months, and your room isn't the only room" "I... I don't want to stay here" Hiccuping out his words, Eren wiped at his face "Did something happen?" "I don't feel right being here..." Leaning forward, he swapped to kneeling so he could wrap his arms back around Eren "If they didn't want you here, you wouldn't be here" "It's all my fault" "It's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong. Unless you're the one who got Hanji pregnant" "N-no... they have really loud sex... I... don't want to hear it... anymore" That's enough to scare anyone. They didn't know if anything like that had been done to Eren. They'd all suppressed the fact the omega had tested positive for syphilis, though he been treated and Levi hadn't even been told until Hanji accidentally let it slip when she'd explained the results from the syringe in Eren's arm had come back as free from prints other than his own "You've got your music right?" "Mmm... but... I can't stay here. I don't belong here. I don't belong anywhere" "Can I ask you a question?" "Y-yeah" "Have you felt like that ever since you came back here?" Eren paused, his voice filled with guilt as he replied "Yes. Hanji and Moblit try so hard... but I'm not getting better fast enough. Zeke showed me how wrong I was. How wrong I was for.. for touching their things and cleaning the house. He... he told me how wrong I was" Of course it came back to Zeke. Even dead, the arsehole still had a firm hold on Eren's mind. If Eren felt unloved and unwanted, and that his presence in the house was wrong, he was never going to make any kind of improvements. He already knew Eren was scared of sex, so hearing Hanji and Moblit boning didn't help either "You're not wrong. I'm..." Shit. He didn't know how else to fucking phrase this "I'm not saying Zeke was wrong, but everyone in the world is different. We all have different thoughts and ideas and different ways we get through life. What Zeke taught you, that was his way. It's different to how Moblit and Hanji live. I'm not saying it's wrong, only that it's different" "I don't know what's right anymore" "Eren, do you remember the offer I made you? I told you if you felt like this wasn't working, you can come live with me, or Erwin, or one of our friends" "I don't want to burden anyone else" "You are not a burden. Besides, I two spare rooms, and a cat that spends most of his time alone" "But you're an alpha" "And your an omega" "I have messed up heats... I don't want to upset you" "Eren, we don't have to spend your heats together..." Even if he really wanted to "... I can stay with Erwin, or you can come back here. The most important thing to all of us is that you're safe. I'm not saying you have to say yes right now, but think about it?" Eren nodded, still wiping at his tears "Why did you come over?" "Shit. Right. I totally forgot. We have a date" "We what?" "You, me, Jean and Marco" "Did I forget something again?" "No. Marco asked if I wanted to join them at the zoo. He wanted to ask you, but you'd need a lift so I'm just the driver. No pressure" "No pressure?" "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, but I thought the zoo would make a nice change. You really liked the aquarium" "Marco wanted me to come?" "Yeah. He messaged me and asked when my next day off was. He also thought you might like another friend who wasn't Jean to hang out with" "Jean has a big mouth... I'm going to slow everyone down" "Why?" "The stupid boot" "The boot isn't invited" "But Hanji..." "Hanji isn't here and you've been cooped up enough. Besides, Marco is pregnant. We'll probably be taking things pretty easy" "No boot... promise?" "Yeah. Also, you have the best paramedic in the whole city with you" Eren snorted out a small laugh "You did save him before... I've... I don't know what to do. I've never been to the zoo before" "You'd never been to the aquarium either, but you still had fun" "I don't have much money either" "That's fine. Consider this an apology" "Apology for what?" "I don't know yet, but I'm likely to do something in the future I'll need to apologise for" "I don't know... you're really nice" "Not always. Just ask Titan" "I don't know what to wear" Eren seems to "not know" much more than Levi remembered him not knowing. The omega was a wreck of sour scent and insecurities. He'd known something was off, but Eren hadn't asked for his help. He should have found a way to swing by sooner "Have you showered today?" "That's what I was doing" "Ok. So what's wrong with what you've got on?" "They're my pyjamas" "I won't tell, if you don't" "I'm not wearing my pyjamas. I want to look okish" "For who?" "What do you mean "for who"?" "Who do you want to look good for?" "Me?" "I was going to say I don't think Marco would care if you showed in your pyjamas, and I wouldn't either. But this is something you want for yourself and you need to do more of that self care shit. Why don't you choose something, and I'll wait by the stairs" "Ok... I need to find my wallet and phone too... it's somewhere in here. I threw it somewhere last night" "It's probably flat them" Eren's lip trembled, despite the fact he was trying to pull himself back together "It's fine. You can use mine for photos" "But... what if you want to use it?" "It's my day off. No ones going to be stupid enough to try and talk to me" "What if there's an emergency?" "Then you'll pass it back to me, right?" "You won't be mad?" "No Eren, I'm not going to be mad. I know you like learning new things" Eren's small smile fell away "Zeke said I learned all the wrong things" "We just had this conversation brat. There's a difference between different and wrong. And everyone's interpretation of them. Ok. You didn't learn things that we consider wrong. Now go pick out some clothes" Eren emerged from his room wearing jeans and an oversized hoodie. It wasn't really hoodie weather, but Levi could see a shirt peaking out from under the hoodie. With a tiny, shy smile, he had Levi's heart racing for all the right reasons. The kid had pulled himself together, and now he was facing the world that he was so scared of. Taking each step slowly, Eren looked to him as if he was proud to be doing something as simple as walking down the stairs. At least if the kid moved in with him, he wouldn't have to worry about the stairs anymore. He'd never really thought about sharing his personal space with anyone, yet he had the feeling that if it was Eren, everything would work out in the end. The omega wouldn't be left alone for hours on his own, Titan would make sure of that. And being in the city, there was always noise and movement, not like out in the suburbs. It would also be closer to the hospital, and to Eren's therapist... they could work to getting him to the point where he could attend his session alone. As for money, it wasn't like Levi couldn't afford to take Eren in. He'd grown up having nothing after his mother died, and had worked hard to get where he was, saving every cent from the shit jobs that got him through high school, then by some miracle, he'd found himself living with Erwin and getting into medical school. It wasn't until his estranged uncle passed that he finally had proper money to get himself set up. Once his probation passed, it would be like it never happened. His job stable enough that he didn't need to worry about finding another... or it would be, provided he didn't punch anyone else. If Eren came to live with him, then all the omega would have to worry about is cleaning up after himself and working out what he wanted in his own life. Levi could and would support him any way that was possible... though it might be his own arrogance showing, but he would be happy with that kind of life "Uh, Levi? Are you ok?" Blinking back to reality, he realised he'd spaced out while watching Eren. The omega blushing slightly as he stared back "Sorry. I was day dreaming" "Do I want to know what it was about?" "Titan" "You were staring at me, while thinking of your cat" "Yep. Let's go, before he finds out" "He's a cat and he's at your place. How is supposed to find out?" "It's a cat owner thing. They know everything, and they see everything. They don't even need to be near you to be mad at you. In all honesty, you never really own a cat. It owns you. Your house. Your furniture. The soul of your first born child..." "Cats sound funny" "They are. You should have seen Titan as a kitten. Everything was too much effort for him, that and his arse was too heavy. He couldn't even climb onto the sofa because that was too much effort" "Shit. That would have been adorable" "It was. Until he finally got big enough to climb. After that, no toes were safe" "What about now?" "He's mellowed in his old age. He much prefers curling up next to you while you sleep, or stretching out and making it impossible to move" "I've never had a pet before" "Titan would love to have the company" "You said "no pressure"" "I know. I'm just saying. Anyway, in order to leave, we actually have to go" "Like outside the door?" "Yep" "God. The effort..." Walking over to the front door, Levi opened it for Eren. Eren giving him an exaggerated sigh before limping towards it "Does your ankle hurt?" "No, it's just stiff from that stupid boot. It'll loosen up" "If it starts to hurt, let me know" "Yes, Mr Doctor Levi, sir" "Sir? That's a new one, brat" Eren shrugged, heading out the door in front of him. Sir... he wasn't one for pets names, but something ran through him at the sound it it. Sir. Maybe it was Eren's answer to brat? * Sitting in Levi's car, Eren wasn't sure about the zoo thing. He was happy to see Marco, but wasn't thrilled about seeing Jean. Even if Jean didn't mean any harm, he always just spat out whatever he was thinking. When he woke up that morning, he'd never thought he'd be going to the zoo, or having a breakdown in Levi's arms. He was just grateful the he'd showered after vomiting. He was happy and excited for Hanji, she and Moblit had wanted babies for so long. But he didn't know if he could handle being around a hormonal Hanji, or a baby. He didn't know what set off his anxieties, and often he'd snap over nothing, at himself. He didn't want anything happening near the baby. Letting his eyes wander over Levi's dashboard, his attention was caught by the gold chain looping down from around the rearview mirror, a small gold turtle pendant swaying with movement of the car. That hadn't been there the last time he'd been in the car... and it was so pretty, and something Levi wouldn't have bought for himself. His heart dropped a little. If Levi hadn't bought it for himself, then someone had gifted it to him. Someone important enough that Levi had it hanging in his car, where it was a constant reminder of that person "Brat? You ok?" "Yeah. Um... how much further?" "We're nearly there. It's not a huge place, but I think you'll like it" "Have you been before?" "Nope. This one's new to me too" He was right. Zoo's weren't really Levi's thing. Was Levi really ok with going to the zoo? Staring down at his lap, he mumbled at his hands "We don't have to go if you don't want to" "I didn't say I didn't want to go" "But there must be a reason you haven't" "Because I had no one I wanted to go with before" "You have Hanji and Moblit" "Can you imagine trying to go to the zoo with Hanji? It would be a nightmare. She'd probably just get us kicked out, or get herself lost" "Then why go with me? And Jean and Marco?" "Because you're not annoying, like Hanji. And before you say you are, you're not" "But... you don't know Jean and Marco" "No, not really. I know Jean is an enormous arse, and that Marco is your best friend. They're important to you" "That's to me, not to you" Levi sighed, the man drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as they came to a stop at red light "Look. What do you want me to say?" "I want to know why you'd do this. For someone like me. You just don't seem like the kind of person who'd want to go to a zoo willingly" "You really don't know?" What was he supposed to know? He felt like he didn't know much of anything anymore, not that he really had "No?" "You're important, ok. Just like Marco is important to you, you're important to me. Now I sound like a shitty idiot. I'd planned to take you at some point, Marco just got in sooner than I did" "You wanted to take me?" "Yeah. I saw how happy the aquarium made you" "But you don't like zoos" "I thought you would like it" "But you don't" Levi sighed again "Eren, I wanted to bring you out here. I wanted, want to do things with you" "Don't you get mad at me for not knowing anything?" "No, I don't. It's honestly refreshing, spending time with you that is. Now, do you have any more questions?" "No..." "You're not going to ask about the necklace? You keep staring at it" Sprung. He hadn't meant to be so fucking obvious "It's just pretty" "Do you want to know why it's hanging there?" Yes! No. Maybe. He did, but he didn't want to hear Levi had found someone special "You don't have to tell me" "I bought it for you. When we were at the aquarium. You were so excited over the turtles, and the stone reminds me of your eyes. I was going to give it to you at some point, but then you left... and I kept it up there. To remind me of you" "What do I say to that?" "You don't have to say anything" "I didn't think... that I meant that much to you... " That didn't quite sound how he'd wanted it to sound, so rushed to add "That you'd hang a necklace up and all" "Brat. You're really fucking dense sometimes. You know I care about you" "Um... I'm sorry. I... uh, didn't mean it how it sounded" So he was important to Levi! And the alpha actually cared about him. The necklace wasn't something he'd choose for himself, but he felt stupidly happy knowing Levi had chosen it just for him, and it wasn't a gift to the alpha "Give me a minute, you can put it once we reach the zoo" "You still want me to have it?" "I bought it for you, so yes. If you don't like it, you don't have to put it on" "No. No. I like it. Thank you" He'd been so down this morning, now it felt like he was in some kind of dream. Maybe he'd lost his mind? Pulling into the zoos carpark, Levi managed to find a spot near Jean's car. His friends were making out as if they weren't in public. Blushing, he looked away from the sight "I bet they don't even realise we're here" "Probably not... come here" Taking the necklace down from around the mirror, Levi undid the clip and waited for him to lean in. Placing the necklace around his neck, Eren's heart raced at the close and intimate touch across his nape. Whining softly, he wanted to throw himself into Levi's hold, but it was over way too soon. Pulling his hand back, Levi took the small pendant into his hold "It suits you, but it's only plated, so you'll want to take it off when you shower" "Ok, thank you" He sounded out of breath. Snorting lightly, Levi pulled back completely, the moment over between them. Leaving Eren slightly disappointed Levi hadn't kissed him "Oh, Marco's noticed us" "I suppose we should probably get out of the car then" Jean and Marco were still straightening themselves out as Eren climbed from Levi's Range Rover, ending up with him seeing more of Jean than he'd wanted to. Rushing to the back of Levi's car, he shook himself off, feeling like the image of the alpha's spent junk was going to haunt him forever "You ok, you look a little pale" "I just saw Jean's dick... it... was gross" Levi laughed openly, reaching out and pulling him into a hug "Who would have thought shy little Marco had it in him?" "Of course he's had it in him, he's pregnant" "Fuck, brat. I've missed your sarcasm" "I've been traumatised" "They're your friends" Pulling away from Levi, he really wished the alpha hadn't hugged him. Knowing Jean and Marco were sexual deviants was one thing, but he didn't want to see it... now Jean and Marco were going to smell like sex. Couldn't they have got it out there system before they'd gotten to zoo? Or even once they got inside. Somewhere where he didn't have to see it! "Not when they're... can we just go? They can catch up" "Are you ok?" "It's nothing" "Eren" "It's nothing ok. Let's just go" Marco didn't even seem sorry as he and Jean finally joined them. His friend was blushing, and they'd both sprayed down with scent cancellers, but Eren still stayed close to Levi. There were so many people around, that his chest felt tight... and he felt hot. The day was bright and sunny, not really long sleeve weather. He just didn't want Jean saying anything about his cast. Or asking anything about where he'd been "You ok, brat?" "I'm ok... it's just a bit warm" "Why don't you take your hoodie off then?" "No. It's ok" Pulling his phone out, Levi passed it over to him "Take as many photos as you want to" "Are you sure?" "Yeah. Go for it. We can get them printed if you want. Don't worry if you drop it. The case is shock and waterproof" He hadn't been worried about dropping Levi's phone until now. Taking the device gingerly, he now has something else to fear. Armed with his own phone, Marco looped his arm through his, taking Eren's casted hand in his hold "Hey. I was hoping you'd make it... sorry about the carpark, my hormones are out of control. Anywaaaaay. We should get going, there's so much to see here" Levi had said the place wasn't that big... Jean slung his arm over Marco's shoulder, effectively pulling Marco away from him. If that was how it was going to be, why had Marco even invited him? * Levi knew it wasn't Marco's intention to disclude Eren, but the omega was with his alpha and the pair were in a world of their own. He'd call Eren over to show him something, only for Jean to take Marco's attention away from Eren, and for Eren to retreat further into himself. He didn't like it. What was the point of even inviting Eren, Marco was going to spend all his time with Jean. He'd had enough. Eren'd been so happy, and each time he went to share it with Marco, Marco was caught up in Jean. Wrapping his arm around Eren's waist, he placed himself between the two omegas "Eren, can I borrow you for a moment. You guys can go on ahead" Marco frowned, but Jean kissed his mates temple "Just don't take too long, right babe?" "Uh. Yeah... we'll be around here somewhere" Leading Eren in the opposite direction, the omega began to slow, before coming to a stop "Levi, where are we going?" "Just come with me" "But..." "Eren, come with me" "Ok" Pulling the omega back to the start of the mammal area they were in, Levi stopped at the large sign explaining what mammals are "What are doing?" "I can't stand it" "Can't stand what?" "Marco and Jean are off in their own world, and I know he's your best friend, but you look so sad. I know we've been walking around for a while now, and if I could, I would drag you all the way back the entrance of the zoo, so we could do this all over again" Eren's eyes filled with tears, the omega throwing his arms around him "You don't need to cry" "I thought I did something wrong" "No. You've done nothing wrong, and I bet Marco doesn't even know how bad you feel. And really warm..." Moving to place his palm against Eren's forehead, he frowned at the heat he found. A quick glance of the area, showed a shaded bench. Leading him over, he sat Eren down "Here, take your hoodie off" "Why?" "Because you're overheating. You're probably already dehydrating" "I..." "I'm a trained medical professional, listen to me about this, please" "I don't want to make a fuss about the cast" "Eren, I'm not going to make a fuss about the cast" "Jean..." "Don't fucking listen to that horsefaced arse. Seriously, after all the shit he's said to you... he's just not worth it" Unzipping his hoodie, Levi took it from the omega before he decided he still needed it on. The shirt Eren had on beneath was thin enough to see that he'd definitely lost more weight, again "Better?" "Um... yeah, it is" "We need to get some fluids into you too" "You don't need to worry about me" "Then don't do things that make me worry" "I don't mean to" "I know you don't. But I'll still worry for you, even if you tell me not to. Now, I'm going to go find you a bottle of water, you're going to drink it slowly, then we're going to back past all these animals, and you're going to tell me all their names, and if you can't read them, I'll break it down for you" Visibly swallowing, Eren nodded quickly "I'd really like that" Leaning in, Levi kissed his forehead "Stay right here. I promise I'll be back" "Really?" "You have my phone, I might hate the thing, but it's too much bother to activate a new one" Eren gave him a sweet smile as he ducked his head "I'll be back soon" * Feeling like an idiot, Eren sat there holding Levi's phone. The alpha keep seeing right through him, like his walls didn't exist. He'd never thought Levi would pull him away from Marco, but with Jean at Marco's side, he couldn't really as his friend the proper names for things. Staring down at Levi's phone screen, he smiled at the photo of Titan that was his background. The fat cat looked smug as fuck, and completely adorable. Jumping as the device started to call, he eyed Hanji's name on the screen. Levi said calls weren't important, and it was wrong to answer someone else's phone, but it was Hanji... Levi wouldn't be mad if he answered? Looking up, he couldn't see the alpha anywhere, and he realised just how alone he was. Marco and Jean were missing, and Levi was missing. No. They knew where they were. He was the lost one. Drawing his knees up, he answered the call "Levi! Levi, Levi! Please tell me you're not working!" "H-Hanji?" "Eren? Is that you sweetheart?" "Y-Yes" "Oh thank god. I've been trying to call you. Are you with Levi?" "Sorry... my phones at home" "Are you ok? Did something happen?" "I'm ok. Levi will be back soon" "Honey, where are you? Are you alone?" "I'm at the zoo. Marco and Jean are here too" "Is Marco there?" "He and Jean are together somewhere" "And Levi?" "He went to get drinks" "So you're alone" "Levi's coming back" "Stay on the phone with me until he does" Eren bit his lip. Hanji sounded mad at him... she didn't usually call when she was at work, so he didn't think so message her, or Moblit to let them know Levi was taking him out "Eren?" "I'm still here" "Why didn't you tell me you were going out?" "I didn't know... Marco and Levi arranged it. Levi picked me up this morning" Shit. He was fucking crying. Like a fucking idiot. He couldn't stop. He'd made Hanji mad "Eren?" "I'm sorry! My phones flat and you don't call when you're at work! I didn't know... I didn't think.. I'm sorry" "Oh, honey. No. I was worried you'd taken off, when you didn't answer" He knew it. She was still mad that he'd left. She was mad at him. She hadn't forgiven him. He was still a bad omega... it wasn't... it wasn't like he'd thought he'd be gone for so long. "Eren" Rushing to his side, Levi took his phone from him. The alpha sinking down beside him smoothly wrapping his arm around his shaking form "H-Hanji" "Hanji can wait. Here, I need you to sip this for me. Ok?" "She... she's mad at me" "I'm sure she's not. She's probably mad because I didn't think to message her about all this" Opening the bottle of water, Levi pressed it into his hand "Small sips for me, while I talk to Hanji" "I... I'll pay you back for this" "It's fine. Now drink up" It wasn't fine. He'd have to find a way to pay Levi back... because he was really thirsty, but he hadn't paid for the water. Sipping it, Levi smoothly explained everything to Hanji. Eren coming out and back in when Levi said he was taking him out to dinner and that Eren was spending the night at his. It only took Levi a few minutes to sort everything out, hanging up with a sigh "See, nothing to worry about" "Are you sure?" "Yeah. She jumped to panic mode. Then she thought you might be sleeping, so was going to send me around to make sure you got out of bed" "I'm not a little kid" "I know. Now drink your water" Eren pouted, but did as Levi said. Slowly he worked at the bottle until it was half empty "I don't think I can drink anymore right now" "That's fine. Just make sure you keep sipping. Have you cooled down?" "Yeah... will you um, help me with the names now?" "Sure thing, brat" Most animals he knew the basic names for, things like the foxes were pretty cool. The fennec foxes were adorable, and so were the sloths in their own unique way. Meerkats were absolutely adorable, and one he hadn't known... but was able to work out the word on his own. All this things he'd wanted to share with Marco, he could share with Levi. His hand finding Levi's and not letting go as they moved from enclosure to enclosure, until they finally reached where they'd parted with Jean and Marco, saddened to see they were no where close "Hey, Marco really wanted you to be here. He probably didn't think it would end up like this" "I know... I mean, I know he hardly gets to spend time with Jean and their bonded and he's pregnant..." "I'm just sorry they don't get to see how happy and excited you look" "I probably look stupid" "No. You really don't. You, uh..." Levi paused to scratch the back of his head "... look cute" Blaming his burning face on the sunshine. He hated how good Levi made him feel. Wandering into the next area, it was a large grassed picnic area. Marco and Jean were still missing "Do you want me to message them?" "No. They're probably, busy" "Well the left path leads to the birds, while the right leads to the reptiles" "Reptiles" "You don't want to see the birds?" "Birds shouldn't be kept in cages. It's sad" "I thought it would be because you don't like them" "I'm scared of them. We talked about this, I'm sure" "We did. So reptiles?" "If that's ok?" "Reptiles it is. Just don't think I'm going to be touching anything in there" "Wait. You don't like snakes?" "I have a healthy respect for them, when they're behind glass and no where near me" "You don't like things slithering into your bed?" "The only snake I don't mind handling is the one in my pants" Snorting, Eren shook his head "One eyed trouser snakes don't count" Levi raised an eyebrow, an almost smirk on his lips "You know that one?" "Mhmm. Zeke liked reptiles. Did you know legless lizards have tiny legs?" "I did. Although I don't know if I'm impressed or scared that you do?" "I didn't have any books. Zeke had a couple on snakes and reptiles... but they went missing" He'd only got to flick through them a few times before they disappeared from Zeke's room. He didn't ask what happened. If they were gone, then Zeke didn't want them anymore "Lets go see what they have" Would Zeke have liked the zoo? His brother didn't... hadn't seemed really into animals. They never had pets... * Fucking Zeke. For a moment Levi thought Eren had his own interests in reptiles, but it came back to fucking Zeke. He was done with the man. They could cremate him and throw him out the window for all he cared. Holding Eren's hand tight, he walked into the reptile house with the omega. Eren had no way of knowing he'd once witnessed a death from snake bite. It hadn't been pretty. Not after being bitten a dozen times to the face. The tongue swollen so large the owners mouth was blocked completely. His tongues and lips purple and black, and the stink of the rotten body... nope. That was a big nope. Eren didn't need to know this. Leaning him over to the first enclosure, Eren's eyes widened at the green snake. It was tiny, barely noticeable "Imagine having a snake that small" "Really brat?" "It's tiny" "Still probably bigger than Jean's" Eren giggled, before covering his mouth with his hand "We need to find someone else we don't like" "I don't know many of your friends" "You'll meet them. Especially around Christmas. Hanji insists on starting her celebrations in November and going right through until January. Last year was a bit of an exception, due to her marrying Moblit" "Oh! Hey, do you know what 12 25 means?" "Christmas?" Eren frowned at him "What is it?" "Hanji told me to make it my PIN number, but I don't know why" Shitty Glasses. Eren had no idea it was his birthday, and no doubt she would have laughed to herself about it "Probably because it's Christmas Day, and it's kind of hard to forget it" "Wouldn't my birthday be easier?" "And more predictable. Let's continue through here?" He was done looking at snakes already. Even lizards were creepy fuckers, marginally better, but only by a tiny margin. They had scales. They were wankers. And then it happened. It was his fucking bad luck that they were giving a talk by the time they'd rounded the interior of the reptile house, Eren's eyes huge as they settled on the boa laying across the handlers shoulders. Taking a half step behind Eren, he was not ashamed to admit that he was fucking hiding. Snakes shouldn't be that fucking big, but at the same time, all fucking snakes should be that big so you can see those fuckers... but a big snake meant big fangs. Fuck it. Burn them all with fire "It's sooooo pretty. Levi, look at it" Nope. One of the advantages of being vertically challenged was that he didn't have to. Eren was tall enough to hide behind and brush it off as comforting gesture for the omega. A hug with his face buried against Eren's shoulder salvaged his alpha image "Mhmm. Pretty. Yeah" "Do you think they'll let us touch it?" "Probably not" The woman giving the talk continued on for a few more minutes, before offering "pats" to the crowd. He didn't even get to protest, before Eren was slipping out his hold and over to the snake... which seemed to take an immediate liking to him, it's vile form slithering up Eren's arm "You can take photos, but please, no flash" "Levi, can you please take a photo?" No. He didn't want a permanent reminder of this moment... but the bright look Eren gave him as turned back to ask was impossible to say no to. Talked through things by the handler, the demon spawn was laid over Eren's shoulders. Levi mentally glaring at the thing for making his ome... for making his friend so happy. Snapping a few photos, he nodded and the handler lifted the snake from Eren's shoulders. Thanking the woman, Eren returned to his side "Did you see that?" "I did" "It was so heavy!" Taking Eren's hand, the omega was too happy to notice they were making a beeline for the exit. Eren could basically as him for any other pet in the world and he'd agree, provided it wasn't one of those scaly abominations "That was so cool... I wonder if Marco would have held the snake" "He doesn't seem as brave as you are" Eren blushed slightly "I'm not brave" "I think you're very brave" "I'm not... I'm just doing the best I can, and it hasn't been very good lately" "Want to talk about it?" "Not really..." Emerging near the nocturnal animal house, Eren swayed beside him. Levi barely catching him as the omega dropped, a hand coming to touch his forehead "Eren!" "Sorry. I just got a bit dizzy" "Just dizzy? Do you feel light headed dizzy, or sick dizzy?" "There's a difference?" "Shit" People were starting to whisper and stare. Eren was already recovering, but the attention would freak him. Pulling him up and close, the omega leaned heavily against him as his stomach let out a strange gurgle. He was such a fucking idiot. He'd had Eren walking around for hours without thinking about the fact he probably hadn't had breakfast "Let's find somewhere to get lunch" "What..." "When's the last time you ate?" "Last night..." "You need food. I'm an idiot" "What? No, you're not. I'm not hungry" "Your stomach says otherwise. Come over here" On the side of hell in a house, there was a map of the zoo. The nocturnal house came out near the cafe area "Ok. We're going to get food, then we'll double back so you can look at the nocturnal animals" "We don't have to" "Your hungry, and now I'm thinking about food, I'm hungry" He wasn't hungry. His stomach was knotted with worry for Eren. If he voiced his thoughts, Eren would only protest that he was ok. With how light he felt, Levi was sure Eren wasn't eating properly. Eren tried to drag his feet as they walked through the nocturnal enclosure, but Levi wasn't having it. Making it through, the cafe area was actually really pretty. It had an Asian vibe, walled on two sides by thick bamboo stalks, the lush greenery swaying softly in the breeze "Wow" "Yeah" The cafe was set in an older turn of the century styles building, with a wide veranda area, the long central step lead down another decked eating area, after that was grass which circle around a flowing pond "This is so pretty" "Food first, then we can admire the view" "Oh. Hold on..." Sliding his wallet out with his left hand, Eren fumbled it into Levi's "Brat?" "Let me pay. Please?" "You want to pay for lunch?" "Yeah. You paid at the aquarium, so it's like fair, right" "I don't mind paying" "Levi, please let me pay for this. I want to do this" Letting go of Eren's hand, he took the kid's visa from his wallet "Alright. But only because you asked so nicely" "Thank you... it's really hard. Hanji and Moblit won't let me pay for anything. I don't like it" They didn't let him pay because they loved him "Let's find somewhere to sit. You look like you could use a break, in the shade" "I'm fine now" "Are you ignoring directions from a paramedic?" "I would never" "Cheeky shit" Settling Eren so he had back and right side blind spots covered by the wall, Levi dropped a kiss on the top of his head "I'll be right back" "Can you bring back a receipt?" "You want a receipt?" "Yeah" He had no idea why, maybe the omega's anxieties were getting the better of him, or his lack of independence. Choosing two ham and salad rolls, along with two flavoured milks, Levi went to pay for it all with Eren's card, only for it to be declined. Even with their meal costing nearly $30, well it was $26 but that was close enough, it was still declined. He knew Eren should have money from dancing in his account, along with the money Hanji had insisted on putting in there to pay for the cleaning Eren did around the house. It shouldn't have been declined. Paying with his own card, he binned the two receipts that said declined, before heading back out to Eren. Settling down beside him, he handed him the receipt and his card, thankfully it didn't say that it was Levi's card he'd used "Thanks" "Do I want to know about the receipt?" "It's.. stupid. It's got the zoo details and stuff, and I don't want to forget today" Eren wasn't lying, but he also wasn't saying everything. Letting it slide, he pulled his phone back out, sending Hanji a quick text to tell her to check into Eren's finances. He didn't want to believe Zeke would sink low enough to take Eren's money, but he couldn't think of another reason why it would be declined. "They're you guys are! Where were you?" Still mulling over the declined thing, he'd failed to notice Marco and Jean returning. Even more small red marks were on Marco's neck. Great. The pair were off fucking while Eren was hurting over thinking he'd done something wrong. Sitting down across from Eren, Marco smiled at him while Jean mumbled something about getting lunch "We waited for you guys" "Sorry, Hanji called and I got stuck talking to her. She didn't know anything about today" Marco groaned "The baby isn't even here and I have total baby brain. I'm so sorry. What do you think of it all?" "It's really pretty" "Isn't it? Where have you been?" "Just in the mammal section, then the reptile house" "Jean and I, went and saw the birds. You have to go. They have so many, and some of them are huge" Nice to know they'd "waited". Returning to the table, Jean placed a number down before sitting next to Marco, wrapping his arm around him "Where did you two go?" "They went to the reptile house" Eren nodded at Marco's explanation "I got to hold a snake" "You didn't!" "Mhmm. Levi got photos for me" "Why would you want to hold a snake? They're not that interesting" Eren slumped. The effect of Jean's words immediate "I don't know. The thing was bigger than him" "Snakes are gross" "He's pretty good at handling them, especially the big ones" Eren coughed as he choked. The connotations flying right over Jean's head "They're the worst. Nah. Smaller ones are better" Continuing to choke, Levi patted Eren's back until he regained his breath, still coughing slightly as he shook his head "The handler was explaining how the smaller ones, like newborn snakes are even more dangerous than the big ones. The don't know how to hold back the amount of venom they deliver, not like the big ones. You're more likely to die from a small snake" God. The brat was killing him. Placing his hand on Eren's thigh, he squeezed firmly. Jean just sat there and looked dumb, while Marco wrinkled his nose "I saw plenty of snakes growing up. I am in no rush to ever see one again" "Let's stop talking about them, yeah?" "Mmm. Sound good, babe" Kissing Jean, it felt like they were once again being pushed to the outside. Eren hadn't even touched his food after pulling off the tiny bit of bun he'd choked on "Oh! I didn't notice before, is that necklace new? It looks good" Eren's hand went to turtle "Yeah. It was gift" "It reminds me of the watch Jean got me for our anniversary, it was 9 carat with a blue face. That's what reminded me it" He wanted to shake Marco. If he was like this every time he was Jean, he'd have to seriously rethink letting Eren see him with the alpha around. No. Shit. Eren wasn't his fucking property. He had no right to say who Eren could and couldn't see. If he did say something, he'd be no better than Zeke "Levi got it for me, when we went to the aquarium" The aquarium was definitely always going to be a special place for them. He could see the fondness on Eren's face when he mentioned it "I like this place better" And once again Eren slumped at Marco's words. God. The kid didn't get it all. He was just trying to keep the conversation going, and really didn't realise how upset Eren was. He loved Marco, and Marco was hurting him without intending to "I'm not so sure. This place has its charms, but it doesn't have sharks and cat fish" "That's true. I haven't found another grump Levi" Breaking his roll up further, Eren picked the smallest piece to eat. His own roll had half disappeared between his words. He needed to talk to Hanji about Eren's eating habits. This was ridiculous... though if the omega did come live with him, he'd make him whatever he could, when he wanted. Maybe Eren didn't like things and didn't want to upset Hanji and Moblit? "So, what's going on with you two? You seem pretty close" "Levi's my friend" Jean snorted "Alpha's aren't just friends with omega's" Slapping his mates arm gently, Marco shook his head "Eren could be friends with anyone. He's so nice that he just seems to draw people to him" "You're the nice one" Leaning in, Jean nuzzled into Marco's neck, while Eren squirmed beside Levi. The omega wasn't ok with watching this. The omega hadn't been ok with sex before he'd left, this was probably an overload for him. He prayed to whatever powers were out there, that the food would arrive soon. This time, whatever or whoever was up there, actually listened. Eren barely ate half his roll, until Jean teased him about how long he was taking. The omega finishing it in three more bites as if to piss Jean off. It wasn't the best reason to finish a meal, but Eren needed all the calories he could get. The omega may have had Zeke controlling his meals for years, and "teaching" him all the wrong things when it came to eating, but Levi didn't give two shits. What he'd like was for Eren to put on more weight. When he'd met the brat, he'd had some curves, toned curves that had fallen away. Dancing was a hard enough activity, Eren didn't need to be punishing himself over something like eating and trying to look beautiful. Yes the omega was gorgeous, and as erotic as fuck, but Levi cared for the spirit inside the body. For all he cared the brat could put on 500kilos and still be beautiful. He knew it wasn't Hanji's nor Moblit's faults that Eren's bad habits had slipped through their combined radars again. All of them lead busy jobs, their minds never really stopping to rest. He just cursed the fact the Eren felt he needed to starve himself because of Zeke. Marco brushed Jean off after lunch, taking Eren by the hand and leading him from the deck while Levi and Jean were left to awkwardly follow while not wanting to talk to each other or even breathe the same air. He could smell sex on both of them, only serving to piss him off further. He knew pregnant omegas did tend to get ridiculously fucking horny, but most of them took care of it much more discreetly, and not while on what was a "date" with their best friends. Still. He pushed down his annoyance and followed back to the nocturnal animals, getting a few photos of Eren with Marco for Eren's sake. The pair had started whispering about something, and though Levi was sure it wasn't, he hoped there was some kind of apology in Marco's words. From the nocturnal house, the headed back out and towards the exit, Marco saying he was getting tired, while Eren's face had paled. They made a quick stop at the petting zoo, Eren's face lighting up at petting two small deer fawns, while Marco got head butted lightly in the stomach by a third. Was it bad to feel smug over that? It wasn't like the tiny tap hurt the baby, it just felt like karma had taken its revenge in the way Eren would best approve... if the brat believed in taking revenge and all that. From there was the gift shop, where Marco practically dragged Eren straight through telling him how everything was over priced. That didn't mean the kid shouldn't get to at least look. He didn't know the money he'd worked for was gone. Following them out, Marco continued to cling to Eren until they reach their cars. It was there that Eren finally lost his stomach, throwing up at the back of Levi's Range Rover, while Marco backed away and shot him a worried look "It's fine guys. He got a little dehydrated before, I've got it from here" "Are you sure?" "Yeah. Thanks for today" "Eren, message me later, ok? It was good to see you again" Eren nodded, but didn't reply. He was leaning heavily against the back of the car. With Jean needing to get into his own car, Levi moved to place his hand against the small of Eren's back so the omega wouldn't be hurt while Jean reversed. Vomiting again, Eren whimpered as his knees started to fold. Fresh tears ran down Eren's face and his smell was rancid. The poor kid was embarrassed as fuck over all of this "It's ok. Here, hold onto me" "'s on my hand" Normally he'd flinch, even at work it was hard to deal with sticky hands "It's ok. Right now, I would rather keep you standing for the few more seconds" Leaning against him, Eren buried his face into Levi's shoulder, his words mumbled "I'm sorry" "No, you've got nothing to be sorry about" "I got sick" "So?" "I ruined everything" "Nope" "I did... I do" "You don't ruin everything. You've had a long tiring day, emotionally and physically" As Jean pulled away, Marco waved. Ignoring him, Levi lifted Eren off his feet and carried him to the passenger side door. Keeping Eren balanced with his knee, he fumbled his car open and got the omega inside "I'm sorry" "No more sorries. You're staying at my place tonight, and it's much closer than Hanji's" "I don't want to be a burden" "You're not a burden. I never would have offered if I thought you were" Clipping Eren in, he kissed the omega's forehead "We've got a half hour drive, so go ahead and nap if you feel like it" Nodding, Eren wriggled and tried to get comfortable. The zoo might not have gone over as well as the aquarium, but he still fucking happy he'd got to see it with Eren.

[deathordecaf]

A (not so) Brief Introduction

Hello to you, entirely hypothetical reader!

My Name is Alessa —or rather that is the name I will be using for the sake of privacy. You see my intention with this blog is two-fold:

To share the information & tools I have learned regarding mental health, in an accessible format for myself, those like me, and those who wish to simply satiate their curiosity.

To keep a record for reflection on my personal journey, in an attempt to provide myself with some perspective on my conditions and appreciate the progress being made, as all too often we are blind to our progress when we need to recognise it most.

As such some of the entries here may be, well, personal. This may not be just so for me, but to those close to me as well. So for the sake of privacy pseudonyms will be used.

But enough waffling! This brief introduction is rapidly growing in length, so in no particular order here are a few key things about me that may provide context to myself as the narrator of this blog:

I am 25 rapidly approaching 26 —making me practically a fossil in Tumblr terms

I come from the land down under

I have a very Australian attitude to swearing in that I often fail to notice I’m swearing at all. Those who to umbrige to so-called “strong language” may not appricate my liberal usage in writting.

I was Diagnosed with Generalised anxiety & OCD at approx. 15yrs

I was also diagnosed with ADHD (ADD at the time) and like many 90′s kids (particularly girls), my parent did not take this to be a legitimate concern and neither treated nor informed me of my condition before they themselves forgot that incident entirely!

I have been on and off a number of antidepressants since my GAD diagnosis. Predominately SSRIs with a couple SNRIs threw in for good measure.

SSRIs and SNRIs show mixed to no results until I was in my early 20s when the newest pills on the block would (after making me disoriented and sick for a week) make me feel fan-fucking-tasic! For About a month or so before my inevitable plumment into my realisation, once again, that i was in fact human garbage & hiding under my desk until the fear subsided in another few month.

I do not like taking SSRIs; it’s not them, it it’s me.

I was bullied ruthlessly in primary school In an attempt to escape the constant bullying we tried changing my school, this was an abject failure and I returned to my previous school and dealt with the bullying I knew.

By the time I reach high school I developed a 0% drama policy, made A number of close friends 

I took a Gap year after high school, to really wallow in depression for the first time and ensure that I cut with as many of my social ties as possible, before they realised the truth that i was actual human garbage.

Despite not correctly completing enough qualifying subject in my senior year of High School to apply for university; I took an “alternative pathway to study” test the year following my graduation and scored in the top 5% percent of participants and then enrolled in an art programme in University the following year.

I began a perpetual cycle of dropping in and out of university and working until I became frustrated with my lack of direction or purpose, then returning to study again.

I studied Sociology partially because it interested my and partially because I thought I was to emotional to study psychology like I wanted.

I realised I would never leave this cycle without ongoing professional help.

I was sexually assaulted and had a complete mental breakdown and finally sought the help I needs.

I was now suspecting my Dysthymic + GAD +subclinical OCD combo I’d been labeled with was less than accurate and went to a Psychiatrist for a differential diagnosis

I was was diagnosis with ADHD (again, but this was news to me) and my Psychiatrist agreed the after somewhere in the vicinity of 6+ variety of SSRI was a good enough sample sizes to say they were a good Fit.

I begin taking dexamphetamine (for ADHD + off label depression treatment) and Mirtazipine (for anxiety + chronic insomnia I have had since childhood)

Thing start getting better 

Now here’s the “good” bit

 I have a job a love

 I’ve decided paying for education is for suckers

 I’m planning to start a new business to run while working this current jobs (i already have 2)

I’m working on two art projects

My partner and I are living together for the 2nd year so I now know he won’t leave randomly (because that’s definitely NOT a thing i have immense fear around as a result of a number of traumatic events that I’m pretending to not be effected by)

I’ve finally committed to being a vegetarian

dropped 10kgs

I’m hardly sleeping

I’m bursting with amazing ideas

Secretly convinced I’m going to change the world or at the very least Australia (because I’ve got to be “realistic”

I feel amazing, people love me, I love me

So because I’m finally “normal”, i decide i don’t need therapy anymore I’ve decided I CAN BE MY OWN THERAPIST JUST AS WELL! 

I’ve even done the “responsible” (please read: deluded) thing and doubled my Mirtazipine dose myself (with out having to waste my doctors time) to help me sleep again, although this doesn’t work so I start combining it with alcohol to knock myself out (this is also increasing)

I’M FINALLY MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!

I am depressed

I am more depressed than I have even been

I am not eating because I don’t so the point

It takes me an entire day to sit up right

I keep trying to work, but it’s poor, the stripped my hours back to nothing

I’ve been thinking of hurting myself to try and let the negative feelings out, but i settle for writing nasty thing about myself on my skin and hiding them under my clothes as a reminder that I am human garbage.

We can no longer afford our rent so we move in with my partners parents.

I go to the general practitioner near by she doesn’t want to write a mirtazipine script but does, she asks if I’m okay... I confess I had planned on killing myself a few night ago while visiting my father and his new family and that I only stopped myself because I couldn’t guarantee my three half siblings wouldn’t find my body and be traumatised. I confess I still want to hurt myself and that a feel I am a burden. She wan’t me to go to the hospital immediately but I talk her into a referral instead on the provisor i check in a week later.

At first i hide the for my partner but I confess what happened and i week later i’ve packed my bags and gone to the hospital.

It’s a mess, they ignore me, constantly forget my name, and take my medication away until they can confirm with my psychiatrist that i’m telling the truth. At first all I do is sleep

I don’t realised it but this stress triggers another hypomanic episode, and as I am clearly no longer depressed... they let me go. They don’t notice I’m on a power trip and intentionally making them uncomfortable by mentioning their mistakes in front of my family and laughing about it to my partner.

The goes on for another two week i’m increasingly annoyed by people telling me to pace myself “can’t they see i’m fine?”

Until I experience my first mixed episode. I have never been so scared of myself in my entire life

I’m completely unhinged. Even my partner with all the patience in world sits beside me as body is wracked by sobbing and says “maybe your right. maybe you’re not going to get better” a little part of me dies.

But I’m determined, I’ve spent to last few months actually taking care of myself for the first time in years. I’ve gotten back in contact with my psychiatrist and see hm once a week.

We had concluded I have some degree of Bipolarity and c-PTSD in addition to the ADHD and anxiety.

My mirtazipine has been increased again and Yesterday I’ve started taking Limotrigine and a mood stabilisers

I’ve begun a DBT course (which is part of a university trail to verify the affectivity).

I’ve started learning to embrace slow routine, monitoring my moods and have been drinking in all the possible information I can on my condition

This bring us to now.

I’m still a work in progress but I’ve come a long way and I’m already doing so much better than just 3 months ago. I have decided I will study Psychology like I’ve alway wanted. But I’m not rushing myself to be ready and I will do limit myself to three subjects at a time instead of the typical 4.

Until then my goal everyday is to do 4 simple things:

Ride my exercise bike for 30mins a day

Water my plants as I’ve started a small garden to ground me

Shower once a day

Always to my meds

So that’s an overly long overly intamate look at me... so how are you?

[the-whitewalls]

Day Three

Today’s therapy class was based on the topic guilt. Guilt influences us to make poor choices. We become apologetic over nothing. I apologized to people that treated me horribly. The emotion is just shit and most people don’t know how to deal with it, especially me. I felt so much guilt coming to a mental hospital as I had to leave behind my entire world. I had to leave behind my job, family, friends, business, uni and partner and so much more. 

Before admission I started neglecting my self-care and self-destructed myself by binge drinking, smoking pot and doing stupid things like going out for breakfast and ordering a glass of wine on the side on a Tuesday morning. I found a way to levitate my emotions and at that point ordering wine for breakfast in order to numb my anxiety, that’s when I knew I needed help.

I need to stop judging myself and comparing myself to the ‘happy’ person I used to be. Things have happened over these past few years, I’ve suffered and been through so much trauma. I just need to work on myself and find coping mechanisms and work out my triggers for my personality disorder to help stabilise a ‘healthy’ mood. Acknowledge your pain. We all have issues and we are all struggling, just some of us more then others. Once we accept that we are struggling only then can you work out your issues.

[artmotherhoodandmadness]

What Now?

Not written a blog for a while but I think I will start again. 2020 was a strange year for most of us due to Covid-19 and lock down, acute social isolation and increased uncertainty. It was also the year I was sectioned twice. When I think of how unwell I was and how badly I was treated at the hands of the police in Belgium it only makes me realise that I can never get unwell in a public space ever again. My time at Fond ‘Roy, the mental hospital, was humiliating and violating but eye opening because I went undercover and took photos when I was inside - something that is forbidden. I never thought I would have psychosis again, but it happened when I was in Europe. The psychosis was triggered after I was sexually assaulted by a famous Belgian singer in my own home. He attended one of my performances at L’Archiduc in Brussels and implied he wanted to collaborate, how could I have been so naive?  I am still waiting to hear if the police have charged him. I believe the psychosis, which continued for four months, was my worst episode to date. It explains why I was taken from my hotel room during quarantine in Malaysia, I had painted all over the windows, in the bathroom, in the bath, on the plasma TV and made sculpture out of plastic. I was taped and put in a strait jacket and taken to hospital, arguably though I had done nothing to warrant such actions apart from create an art installation, I did the same when I was staying at Soho House in Amsterdam. However I was completely delusional and it got worse before it got better. It was only after I took Tolanz, an anti psychotic drug that I stopped thinking that I was the chosen one and the buildings were giant computers. During both episodes I lost data, I deleted followers on Instagram, I deleted all my facebook friends, professional relationships were compromised, old friendships, too, the fall out from each episode is always catastrophic. To deal with this as well as Covid, on top of that, it has been a bit much for everyone, the uncertainty is the worst, the not knowing what now? I feel I am facing an existential crisis regarding  my work, for years I have religiously made art and now I am questioning why, I do not know how to do anything else, and so I will continue, but part of me is lost. Every year I would apply for a grant and get it and do a project in London but last year my project was cancelled due to Covid. I have had to totally rethink my practice now.  I am awaiting to hear from the Arts Council, if I get my grant then I will feel yes, I can do this, I will be motivated to continue, but if I don't get the grant then I guess I will have to apply again and have a major rethink. Or maybe I should stop being an artist?

I completed two new books The Tree People and Pain = Alchemy = Transformation and in the latter I write about how I believe my psychosis is linked to trauma and also feelings of exclusion and not being good enough. I have been slogging as an artist for over 20 years and it feels that it is getting harder not easier, all these doubts have an impact on your mental health.  

I started writing a new novel, called Living in a Painting, I feel that I would rather inhabit my paintings than be in the real world, the real world is just so competitive and full of noise and people, these days I cannot even manage to go to the shopping mall. 

It will take a long time to recover from this last episode, I have been stable now for several months but my mood is flat, I do a bit of cycling, but my body wants dopamine, I have become addicted to a lethal cocktail of chemicals induced by unhealthy trauma bonds. It’s an insidious process whereby you become addicted to the peptides generated by abuse and trauma which is  intensified by intermittent reinforcement. The abuser can be a parent, a sibling, a friend, a partner, these relationships can take many forms. Trauma bonds have punctuated my whole life and the pattern started in childhood. What is worse than the abuse is the addiction to the cortisol, the adrenaline, the fear, and you seek it out over and over again in other forms. In some ways then I am an addict, even though I do not smoke or drink or do drugs, I would say I am addicted to these chemicals and it’s hard to find a substitute. Now I am no longer psychotic or manic, only flat and depressed, I would say the depression is worse than the mania, at least when you are manic you feel some emotion.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist Dr S’s and I am on medication, I am not saying that I feel better, in fact I am chronically suicidal, which is the norm for me, but killing myself is not an option, I have to carry on. For years I was out of the mental health system, but I needed help and didn't seek it much to my detriment. It is not possible to manage my brain without some intervention, and that feels like a defeat in some ways. Art, music, exercise, none of it is helping right now. At least none of the meds I am on are causing weight gain, unlike the Tolanz, one of the pills Temesta makes me sleep but you cannot stay on Temesta too long, you can very quickly get addicted. Dr S’s says that I need to stabilise first because I am too fragile, and then we will try CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and EDMR, which involves rapid eye movement. It’s the first time that I am speaking about the CSA (Child Sex Abuse) to a professional since I recalled it in 2016. Dr S’s says that the way I remembered, which involved a hallucination, could have been a psychotic episode, but then how do you explain the flashbacks. One thing that he did say was that all my behaviour is symptomatic of someone who has had deep trauma. It was a great relief to hear this. I believe we all have had trauma and trauma impacts our psyche. The treatment that I am having is incredibly expensive, Dr S’s is apparently the best in his field, which is why I have decided to start blogging about it. Can he fix me? Can he help me? That is the question. I haven't had therapy and help for a long, long time, my problems are deep rooted, but Dr S’s believes that he can help, so I have to have faith then.

I only recently started doing iPad paintings, I was making them in 2010 and then I stopped, to date I have made about 20 (my aim is to make 100) when Dr S’s saw them he said they were scattered but I would say they reflect what is happening in my subconscious. I relate more to the world I create on my iPad than the actual one these days.

[cripthevoteuk-blog]

Disabled in Theresa May’s Britain #34: Lauren [CW: suicide]

From West Midlands

In 2016 I was receiving okay (not great, but okay) treatment from Birmingham MH services for Bipolar Disorder whilst studying at university. I had regular appointments with a psychiatrist, I could always get my medication and I had somewhere to call/go in MH emergencies. 

In June 2016, I was informed that I would be immediately discharged from the adult services as everyone under 25 was to be moved to the new extended child and adolescent services 'Forward Thinking Birmingham'. I was told that I'd get a letter from FTB soon. My psychiatrist gave me prescriptions covering a much greater period of time than he had ever been comfortable doing before, I suspect because he knew I would not actually be hearing from them any time soon. He stressed to me that if I needed help in an emergency before FTB picked me up I could contact him there. I heard nothing from FTB until October. 

I called daily for months. My parents called daily. The most we ever got was an assurance that someone would phone us. I had an emergency in the summer. I tried to contact my old psychiatrist and was told by other staff that as I wasn't an adult patient anymore they couldn't let me speak to him. I ran out of medication. GPs wouldn't give me prescriptions without speaking to a current psychiatrist- which I didn't have. 

In September I went back for my third year of university pretty unwell. My university offered specialist mentoring for students with serious MH problems. I hadn't needed it before but now, receiving no treatment whatsoever and only able to get meds through a family friend with prescribing powers, I needed the help. To get that mentoring I needed a current psychiatrist. My university GP changed and that saved me. He started calling/writing to FTB about my case and others similar. He was visibly angry at them in our conversations and said they were totally unequipped to deal with the influx of patients but had lied and said they were. He said no one checked this. Through his efforts, I finally got an appointment in October. 

Instead of a hospital, I went to a dirty community centre in Selly Oak full of screaming children. They had none of my records or information. I had to go through my entire history again with my 'core worker', who told me that they were having trouble finding psychiatrists to see new 18-25 patients because all their previous psychiatrists were child and adolescent ones not suited to adult patients. He said they had to 'borrow' adult psychiatrists when they could find them and afford them and then hire extra space in random buildings around Birmingham, when possible, because their existing buildings were obviously used by their existing 0-18 work. I asked for a prescription and he told me he couldn't do that. He said he could ask the duty doctor but he "wouldn't like it". I started to cry so he agreed to do it so I would leave. 

I had to come back the next day for my prescription and when I did it was wrong. My mood stabiliser dose had changed and the type of antidepressant I was on changed totally. I challenged this and was told that the doctor 'thought it would be better'. I refused to accept it because no one with any medical credentials had seen me before making this change. I had to come back the next day. They had forgotten. The next day the drugs were right but the doses were wrong. Fortunately I already had a GP appointment that day too and I explained everything to him in tears. He wrote me a correct prescription and said he'd be speaking to them about this. 

I was offered a psychiatrist appointment in November, my first since June (I had previously been seeing or speaking to my psychiatrist once a month). My core worker was supposed to be there but didn't show up. The psychiatrist I saw tried to persuade me to change mood stabilisers and arranged blood tests to prepare for this. He talked a lot about talking therapies I could try which I agreed to. He said 'someone' would contact me about them. This didn't happen. I chased it up but I was just told someone would call me. They didn't. I had the blood tests but nothing happened. I didn't hear anything from FTB until January when my GP again stepped in. I'd been calling them as often as I could but I was at Uni 9-6 most days and the number was open 9-4. Even then they mostly didn't pick up and when they did they took my number and told me someone would get back to me. 

My cousin died in November. By January I was the sickest I'd been in years. When they got in contact in January they told my GP via letter they had seen me in December. This is either a mix up on their part or a complete lie. They later told my GP about two other appointments that didn't happen. When I challenged them on this they admitted that there hadn't been appointments and blamed admin. They offered me an appointment in February with my temporary core worker (as mine was on annual leave). He made me fill in a flow diagram about 'how I came to be this way' that I assume was designed for children as it had cute cartoons on it. I wrote "I have bipolar disorder" in every box. He laughed. I cried. That was the whole session. I'd given up on getting meds from them at this point and fortunately my amazing GP was seeing me regularly. 

At the end of February I got so ill I had to take time out of uni. I knew from past experience I was going to seriously hurt myself if I stayed. The University were amazing with this. I had to get extensions on several assignments including my dissertation and my mental health advisor from student support, personal tutor and project supervisor fought my corner to ensure that a GP letter was enough proof for the extensions- because I couldn't get one from a psychiatrist. My GP changed my antidepressant dosage. He wasn't comfortable doing it, but he wanted to help and knew that FTB weren't doing anything. The change sent me manic for a couple of weeks. I hurt myself accidentally during the mania and then intentionally during the depressive period that followed. I came back to uni eventually and had to defer my summer exams because I was now so behind. Having hurt myself was enough to get me another psychiatrist appointment. This time the core worker standing in for my original core worker did show up. They talked a lot between themselves and asked me something occasionally. They didn't have any of my information so we had to do my entire history again, but we ran out of time because of their conversation. I asked about the blood tests I had and the psychiatrist told me he had records of arranging the tests but hadn't received the results. He said he wouldn't arrange any more tests because I was nearly finished with university and probably wouldn't be around long enough for it to be worthwhile. He gave me a prescription (the first correct one I'd had from MH services since June the previous year) and also a prescription for sleeping pills (that I didn't want or need) "to make things easier". I don't know what he meant by that. 

Then nothing until April. I asked to speak to either of the core workers I'd seen and was told that they had both left the service weeks ago. (Since then receptionists had been telling me that one of them would call me back, despite them no longer working there). I asked if I had been assigned to anyone else. The receptionist sighed and asked if I really thought I needed to be. I said yes and she said that someone would call me back. I'm still waiting and calling. 

Within my university I know 4 other people who were moved from Birmingham adult services to Forward Thinking Birmingham. 2 have dropped out entirely since their treatment and safety nets disappeared. 1 has taken a year of medical leave. 1 killed himself. 

From online forums I've heard loads more stories like this from young people who've had their support/services/access to medications taken away. Some of them haven't posted anything in a long time now. I hope they're okay. I think they probably aren't. 

The overwhelming feeling we've all had is that the child services are totally unable to deal with us, unable to admit that, and just want us to go away. They want us to just disappear. So they ignore us and brush us off again and again because eventually that will work. We don't have it in us to keep fighting with them forever. 

The only reason I've fought this long is because of my GP and family's support. Most people simply do not have the support I've had. Often we just want to disappear too, so to hear that from the services that are supposed to help us is unbearable. 

It is active encouragement to kill yourself. I've been habitually suicidal since my late teens. Since my support evaporated because I was suddenly the wrong age I think about killing myself daily. I have no hope that things will get better- other than the vague idea that if I get to 25 the adult services will be better again. I suspect they probably won't be. And I'm not sure I'll manage to hold on that long. 

We are dying. Yes, we are killing ourselves, but we would not be doing this if basic services weren't being withheld. We are dying because we are being killed. 

[vaguelybipolar]

So my mum went in to talk to my mental health nurse @ the day hospital I've been attending, and the nurse said they don't like to put people my age (19) on meds for bipolar. She wasn't saying that's my diagnosis she was just speaking in general. My mood swings only affect me for half the year then seem to settle, but what do I do if my consultant psychiatrist says no to meds if I end up with a bipolar diagnosis? I feel like I'll end up dead if I don't get something to stabilise me.

First of all fuck that nurse! I’m 19 years old and I’ve been taking medication for my bipolar for almost three years now. The only “problem” with younger people taking meds for bipolar or any other mental illness is that our brains our still developing, so we may need to change medication every so often. But it’s no excuse to just not give medication to someone in need. You wouldn’t refuse to give a patient in pain ibuprofen or any other type of pain med. So they shouldn’t be doing that to you. 

Even if your mood swings only affect you for half of the year, you should still be on medication for that half of the year. if you do end up having bipolar, and a psychiatrist says no to meds, then THEY ARE NOT A GOOD DOCTOR and you need to see another one as soon as you can. 

Idk how your mom is, but maybe try talking to her and voice your concerns, or another adult that can help you find a good psychiatrist. If the consultant psychiatrist says no to meds, then you need to find another one. This is your life and it’s important that you see someone who is willing to listen to you and pay attention to what you need to help you through this. 

I’m sorry I can’t do more to help you, but I’m not a professional, and what you need rn is a professional who can help stabilize you. I hope this helped, and I hope you can find a good psychiatrist who will help you through this. Stay strong, if you ever need a friend I’m here for you, and have a lovely day

[bpd-ptsd]

does bpd need any pills? for example in bipolar disorder is necessary to take pills, but i don't know in bpd. if its necessary (or its a option, not everyone with bpd has to take it) what pills and for which sympthoms are?

There are no specific medications for BPD, so combinations are often used. Antidepressants can help with the feelings of emptiness and the anxiety, mood stabilisers help with the mood swings, antipsychotics can help with paranoia and some may help with mood swings. It depends on someone's personal symptoms, and meds don't work for everyone. There is no "requirement" for meds with any mental illness, but some people who are at greater risk may have no choice but to be on them - e.g. in hospital I had no choice, but now I do. Meds help me so I am going to kerp taking them, but everyone's experience is different and it's always important to get a professional opinion.

[mental-health-advice]

Hi. I was prescribed Risperidone (I don't have schizophrenia nor bipolar disorder) and when I read my discharge papers it said that its purpose is for psychosis, but I didn't know I suffer from it. And I can't ask the psychiatrist because it was while I was in a partial hospitalization program. I have anxiety, and sometimes I get panic attacks when I think too much of reality, but I don't hear voices nor see things. What are some symptoms and causes of psychosis? - tag 1005

Hi there 1005!

Risperidone is an atypical antipsychotic, which is used to treat psychosis but also other symptoms such as anxiety, rage, and agitation. It can also help to stabilise mood swings.

I was prescribed risperidone whilst inpatient, but I was not psychotic. For me personally, it helped to reduce my anxiety surrounding eating, and reduced my outbursts of aggression. It can also be used for individuals with autism and difficult behaviours. Some people are on this medication long term, whilst others only need it short term (up to six weeks).

Psychosis is defined as “a mental health problem that causes people to perceive or interpret things differently from those around them. This might involve hallucinations or delusions.” The two main symptoms are seeing/hearing/senses something which is not there, or strongly believing things which aren’t true (e.g believing there is a conspiracy to harm you). The combination of hallucinations and delusional thinking can cause severe distress and a change in behaviour.

Psychosis is a symptom of several mental health conditions, such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar disorder, Severe depression, Substance misuse, and PTSD. A psychotic episode can be triggered by a range of things, such as a significant trauma, stress, medication changes, and drug/alcohol use. Some disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder can also include transient psychosis.

Schizophrenic patients may experience 'positive symptoms' (such as hallucinations, disturbances of thought, hostility) and/or 'negative symptoms' (such as lack of emotion and social withdrawal). Risperidone is effective in relieving both positive and negative symptoms of schizophrenia, whereas the conventional antipsychotics are usually less effective against the negative symptoms. Risperidone also relieves 'affective symptoms' that are associated with schizophrenia, such as depression, guilt feelings or anxiety.

Risperidone mainly affects two neurotransmitters in the brain - dopamine, and serotonin. Dopamine and serotonin are known to be involved in regulating mood and behaviour, amongst other things. Psychotic illness is considered to be caused by disturbances in the activity of neurotransmitters (mainly dopamine) in the brain.

Most antipsychotics have sedating properties and can help to treat insomnia.

Do you have a medical professional you can talk to about your medication? Some people experience side effects from their medications, or may have to try a few different drugs before they find the right one. Don’t be afraid to ask questions :)

I hope some of this information has been helpful - please do send us another ask if you have any other thoughts or questions!

We are always here for you

With love, 

Imogen :) x

[chronicallymissyxo-blog]

Chronically Borderline, 16/12

Trigger Warning: Suicide

Life is a learning curve, one big curve. Everyday, we learn new things. We learn to adapt to living with pain and fatigue, and we manage our lives around the concept of knowing we’re condemned to a life of medication, therapy, counselling and doctors appointments. When I was 18, I began showing more severe symptoms of mental illness, after a suicide attempt put me in hospital. I began to experience pain, constant aches in my muscles and joints, my skin would feel like it was burning, painful to the touch, my memory gradually worsened and symptoms deteriorated over time. That leads me to where I am today.

When I was 16, I went through a traumatic event which lead to the social taking me away and putting me back with my mum. The post-traumatic flashbacks caused meltdowns and I couldn’t contain my rage and emotions. Over time it built up and I crumbled under the pressure. This wasn’t helped by two additional assaults in recent years. I now find it difficult to trust anyone. I can’t physically handle socialising unless it’s people I already know, or someone who is a friend of my fiancé.

In May, I was admitted back to hospital after yet another failed suicide attempt. My now fiancé, who was a friend at the time, stayed awake all night to make sure that I was okay. He was worried sick about me, stressed and had a long shift at work the following day. We’d dated a few months before but I was so fucked up from a previous narcissistic relationship, I shut everyone out and did nothing but get high. I thought it was helping me get better, but in reality, my outlook was impaired by the amount of weed I was cramming into my system.

We begun dating again at the end of June and we got together towards the end of July, and I haven’t left his side since. One of the perks of having BPD is I dedicate myself to the person I’m with, and I’ll cross oceans for him when previous ex’s wouldn’t cross puddles, they’d stamp in the puddles and cause ripples of negativity. So that brings me on to how I got diagnosed.

In May, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s one name for a collection of diagnosis. My psychiatrist tells me I experience severe symptoms of Generalised and Social Anxiety Disorders, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Manic and Severe Depression, and more. It’s horrible. I can act impulsively and I end up becoming self destructive and losing my cool, big time. I get angry, but then anger turns to upset and I end up breaking down and crying. I go through periods of feeling worthless and feeling not good enough for my fiancé, or anyone so I tend to push people away and lash out through fear of abandonment, but I’m learning not to push him away and I’m able to communicate and tell him how I’m feeling now as I know he isn’t out to get me.

In March, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, and I had a referral to the pain clinic to have an appointment to speak to a consultant and get their opinion. He explained that the pain I feel is chronic, and that now that I’ve accepted that this is my way of life now, I need to learn to live and adapt my routine around my pain. I’m learning not to do TOO much, though it’s difficult. 😂

I take many medications. Strong painkillers, antidepressants, sleepers and mood stabilisers, but they keep me alive and I’m beginning to feel a lot better about myself, because I am better than the illnesses that way me down, and I am good enough. I’m strong, I’m beautiful and I’m amazing, and every single day my fiancé helps me realise this. I love gaming and my escape is playing on the PS4 having fun with our friends on PSN.

This was part one, more to follow.

Over & out. 💜