#or feel the shape of someones emotions
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Crowd sourcing plot points in my new wip
#tbh i am going to make all of these be a thing#but i'm doing a fun story idea i liked#it's like half magic half superpower thing; it's modern day but throughout society individuals soread out have unique talents#not entirely unique to each person but there are abilities that crop up again#but like small stuff#stuff like being able to pull water from the ground and fill a puddle#or feel the shape of someones emotions#or extend vision past normal reaches#be able to float very slightly#be able to summon mist or light rain#etc etc#plot would be about a bunch of separate people with powers living their lives as just people#people who just so happen to have an oddity to them#and like see how they use it or feel about the abiltity#then jump into it where something (i.e. poll option) starts boosting the effects of their talents to the point of danger#and then they've gotta figure who what when whete and why thijgs are happening#Concepts#writing#writeblr#polls
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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I have things I should be working on but I'm too busy wondering what a Low or High Kochanski would be like
#Does anyone know if there are any fics/posts about this concept? I probably just haven't run into them#Especially enamored by the idea of Low Kochanski. What would she be like?#Since- as established in The Inquisitor a few episodes beforehand- conceptions of morality/worth/etc. are emphasized as being subjective#that's how I've always approached the Lows: as manifestations of what *the characters* feared was the worst about themselves#shaped by social/cultural expectations#(that's probably why though I understand some people's discomfort towards the stereotypes Low Rimmer exhibits#I was less critical towards it because it says more about Rimmer's psyche than anything)#What would Kochanski see as the worst in herself?#I keep thinking about the tags someone left on the post about Kochanski perhaps feeling guilty about how her Dave changed for her#That mentioned the possibility of her going so far as to change Lister's peogram to align to her personality and her needs#I personally don't think she would do that. But! That doesn't mean that she hasn't thought about it. Maybe at some point in the beginning#So I'm leaning this manipulative Machiavellian sort of Low Kochanski. One that's coldly efficient and calculating#Which I think would suit the others well#The Lows of The Boys are sadistic animalistic primal#There's something chaotic to their immorality#I think Low Kochanski could stand in contrast to that. A member of the Low crew that is not driven by emotion. One that is ordered#And I think that would make her threatening in a different way#Anyways that's just my opinion :) Curious to hear what others think!#Red Dwarf#Kristine Kochanski#Original Post
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I could write a whole essay about how Victor Vale and Kell Maresh are two sides of the same coin, opposites yet somehow similar when it comes to their relationship with pain
#kell maresh#victor vale#adsom#vicious#to be fair I have not read Vengeful yet so idk if that adds some key details to this topic or not but#Victor basically died a horribly painful death and then came back to never feel any again#it was by his own decision out of curiosity and hunger for power and foolishness but oh it was agonising#so much so that it irrevocably marked the rest of his life#Kell suffered an injury because of sheer bad luck just an unlucky turn of events while trying to save the whole world#and he spent the next seven years in unbearable pain any time he tried to use his power#he saved someone he loved and defied the laws of life itself to do it because he could not bear to lose that person#and in exchange forever lives with experiencing not only his own pain but that of that other person too#books#shrews ramblings#here I listed more the ways in which they're opposites but you see#they're the same in how pain shaped them both#pain does things to you that don't always pass when the feeling itself is over#idk idk I'm emotional about them#actions and consequences and the cruel hand of fate#and what it means to be human and what it means to be rid of the thing that made you who you are#hmmm for Victor 'he came back to never feel any pain again' is per se inaccurate but you get what I mean!!!#he has complete control over pain#both his own and that of others#Kell has none
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the tragedy in night and day doesn't lie in the accident because day doesn't blame night for the accident (not really, not in the way night blames himself). the tragedy in night and day lies in day having wanted night to be his big brother but feeling like he had to take on that roll for night instead and night having wanted day to be his little brother who is as proud of him as he is of day but being unable to figure out how to get there before the accident. the tragedy lies in day not understanding why night couldn't step up until after day went blind ('im just so damn lucky to be blind') and their mother and the world started treating him like a tragedy; leaving him feeling like night has always been jealous of him and is only stepping up to take the place of the golden son of the family now that it's up for grabs. the tragedy lies in night not being able to communicate to day that he was always proud of him and that him showing up to his sporting events only after day went blind isn't because day is blind now but because he has always loved him and supported him ('this is my little brother. he's a junior athlete on the national team') but now it's impossible to convince day of his sincerity and night can't forgive himself. the tragedy of night and day lies in these brother not having been given the time to naturally grow out of this crooked brotherly dynamic that was put upon them and now they're stuck under all this weight both unable to leave the night of the accident when they're around each other. the tragedy in night and day is that tomorrow isn't guaranteed and they are too stuck in the past to look at today.
#last twilight#i have a lot of thoughts about feeling like you have to be the older sibling while you arent#i have a lot of thoughts about the sick pride and sadness that comes with being praised over your sibling for being the 'good one'#i also have a lot of thoughts about feeling like a failure compared to someone you love so deeply#about sibling rivalry and jealousy and the feeling like you are competing because of all this external pressure#when all you need is a brother#i have a lot of thoughts about a great many things concerning the mother and the father and the family dynamic and how#night and day were shaped into who they were and how it informed their relationship#about nights guilt and sadness and days anger and resentment#but in the end i just keep thinking about how day is the one who is called to pick night up when hes so drunk he cant walk#and how night gifted day a pet goldfish; named it little day and how despite days claims to hate the name and never wanting the pet#he never changed the name and watching the goldfish became the highlight of his day for a year#im very emotional about them and i need them to fucking talk soon okay
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i think what hits most about nobara's backstory is everything that's left unsaid and peaks from between the lines. it's the fact you can easily infer that something was wrong without ever having clear answers on what exactly was wrong. but if you can relate to the feeling of wanting to escape a place and the alienation from everyone around you, especially when you're brought up in small communities, then you can certainly understand, if not fully then partially, nobara herself and the struggles she might have had to face all by herself for a very long time; maybe even the importance fumi and saori had in her life and the pain from having to part from them; and, perhaps the selectiveness in letting people in that she later on develops as well.
#the way her story is told from fumi's point of view is quite interesting#nobara's backstory is like a silent whisper without a lot of obvious context and told from someone else's perspective#someone who until the end never really understood her fully despite their obvious close bond#someone who we weren't even aware was part of her life#and nobara's peak emotional moment and the last person she thinks as her life is in danger is her and the promise she didn't accomplish#a promise to reunite with the friends that shaped her and her life#ah.#i find her last line so... powerful?#she definitely struggled growing up and the only two people she kept in her heart from her life before jujutsu were people that#moved to where she lived. saori didn't even stay in that place for long. and then she moves somewhere new and she meets people#and a group that actually feels like home a community where she fits in and suddenly they kind of break through making place in her heart#just for everything to come to a halt. to turn to shit. for her to see that shatter away little by little. and in the end she's put in a#position where she knows she will not be able to hold on to what she cares for the most. that she will hurt people that truly cared for her#for not being able to go back to fumi and rekindle the friendship with saori and for being forced to be another punch in the guts for yuuji#and everyone else that up until that point were forced to go through losses already and traumatic events#and she decides to encourage yuuji to go on a good note and she truly believes the people she met made it worth it#even if it was for a brief moment in her life#i am not being coherent right now but it pains me :')#she deserved so much better#and i will hang on tightly to the line saying that she had a small chance of survival until the end#because she deserves it she deserves to live 😭#i'm taking her from that stupid anime and putting her in a slice of life anime watch me#yuuji too. and everyone else. i'm taking the kaisen out of the jujutsu and you can't stop me#jjk spoilers#nobara kugisaki#jujutsu kaisen#jjk 💭#my post
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Recovery win! Instead of spiraling from stumbling across an ice cold take from someone I had a harmful relationship with, I'm simply annoyed that I somehow missed blacklisting their URL a goddamn year ago.
#their opinions don't shape my view of myself anymore#fascinating what therapy and healthy friendships will do to a person#I obviously still have some Emotions from seeing them on my dash but hey! I'm human and I feel stuff and that's okay!#anyway#wild that you can have someone blocked and they still show up in reblog chains#thanks tunglr <3#I wish xkit existed on mobile
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with the year coming to a close, i hope that anyone who's reflecting about how the year went remembers to be kind and fair to themselves with how you evaluate the year as a whole.
i think there are definitely times when life throws things that are... Not So Great at you. whether if it's some external circumstance that surprised you, or maybe your mentality wasn't at it's best. i wish for anyone who's encountered those kinds of challenges to be able to triumph over them and be able to say that they got through it.
heck, it might still be a work in progress even though you've kept chipping away at it, and that's ok! the results will show themselves eventually as you work through it! and i hope that we can all remember to be patient with ourselves as we go through these processes (learning, healing, etc.), because damn, it can be frustrating when you feel like you're "not there yet."
knowing that life can be rough at times, i think it's unfair to yourself (and others) to discount and downplay any progress you've made this year- whether if it's something that you did for the first time, or maybe you came to a new understanding and insight that you didn't have in the previous year.
it's not to say that you should undermine the validity of your experience with hardship, but to take the time to remind yourself what makes life worth living. to recall what moments were the most satisfying to you- and use it to strengthen your resolve for the next year and beyond. no amount of hardship will ever take away from the fact that you deserve to have hope that things will get better.
i hope that looking back on the year, you don't leave out the things you cherish. that you can remember the good that came this year. whether if the small victories are things like meeting someone new, trying something out for the first time, or making some strides in a long-term project/obligation...!
i wish everyone a happy new year! may it be prosperous, and that your life can move in a direction that's close to what you want out of life. you're all going to do great! remember to congratulate yourself for what you did well! despite everything, you're still here, and that's wonderful. never forget that!
#lizzy speaks#hello everyone. i know that there are *checks calendar* still 20 days left of december and 2023#but i've had a lot of strong emotions and feelings i've had to sort through as i've been thinking about how 2023 went for me#so a lot of what i've written here comes from the perspective of someone in their early 20s#it's like... a crash and burn from when you were a teenager thinking that you know everything#and realizing how big the world is and how many responsibilities there are#all while a feeling of overwhelm looms over as you try to sift your way through the world and adjust your understanding of it#for me i've definitely had an underlying thought that 'you should have your shit together by now why aren't you there yet'#and it's! not motivating! at all! to think that way. and it's made me more than ever want to be a friend to myself. to extend a patient-#kind voice to myself that reminds me that others are also trying to navigate these feelings and to accept that i'm not going to have an-#instantaneous understanding of how one goes about adulthood. and neither will they. even if they look 'put together.'#like... these people have also undergone similar stresses and along the way figured out how to navigate through that space#and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i#some shape or form and that them living... being here.. is proof that we shall be fine in the end and that we will move past what plagues-#our mind. there's definitely been some... anger i've had this year that. school didnt teach me these things or skills!! i was so mad lol#but hey if we are little guys who are living on planet earth for the first time we shouldn't condemn ourselves to an unrealistic standard-#of going through life and being able to instantly do everything 'correctly' and know how everything works#i'm still working on improving that patience... and also trying to put in the work to understand these things.#in the midst of a very tough week for me i was tempted to say that 'nothing happened this year it was not productive'#but then i was like. that's. objectively not true if you just look at other things. also theres worth in life outside of 'productivity'#...i think i passed 20 tags at this point. but like. my favorite thing about 2023 was meeting so many cool awesome people!#who would've known that funny lil squid game could bring so many connections and friendships i cherish!#thank you so much! for being a part of my life and changing me for the better! for giving me many fond memories!#and i'm very grateful to anyone who supported me and my art this year... for sticking around even though i wished i could do more#it means the world to me knowing that there's proof that i exist and have touched someone's life in a positive way! thank you! truly!#ANYWAY. happy early new year. i hope everyone can nourish a friend in their head that extends acceptance and patience to themselves#as we try and make sense of the world together. there will be things that we don't understand yet! but one day we will! and it'll be like#wow! look how far i came! i'm okay! i'm alive! yipee! thank you for reading this post i made to get my feelings out! have a nice day!
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My experience of discovering i'm demisexual at age 25
edit: for context, I identified as strictly asexual until earlier this year!
#litriu art#How do allosexuals live like this.#Experiencing an almost entirely new emotion as an adult is crazy#Is this tmi? no. because it's funny#actually i want to talk more about this#every time i'd ask my allo friends what it's like to be sexually attracted to someone they'd be like it's like [xyz]#and i'd be like what do you mean it's like [xyz]. i know the words you're saying i understand what they're supposed to express#but what does that MEAN#and i'm here to say it is exactly like [xyz]#like i get it now.#i feel like someone showed me one of those algebra problems with all the letters and shapes and i was still working on long division#and it just looked like mathsoup to me#but i've gotten to the part in the book where they explain what the letters and shapes are and i'm like ohhhhh#IT IS ALSO EXACTLY AS ANNOYING AS I THOUGHT IT'D BE#i apologize to allosexual characters i made fun of you were overtaken by madness i get it now.#some of it#a small portion of it
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i love going back through old writing from when i was a teenager and just being in love just in love. i love these words i love the love that wrote them. i love that these stories compelled me so deeply i thought and wrote about them for years already and will do so for years more. i love that they were trailheads on journeys i didn't yet know i was taking. ideas i followed in curiosity to see what else i could find where they led me. i love that people i've been thinking about for years still draw me into them because i put so much of myself inside them- before i even knew it was me. i sang into a vastness and my own voice echoed back to me over and over. i laid down truths i would learn to live by. there has always been delight and wisdom in the things i wrote. the child wrote in joy and when i read and write in joy i am with again the child. you know?
#chat#getting emotional a little . a lot. Many thoughts these past couple months about the things we return to knowing over and over again#Finding in ourselves we knew things long before we thought we ever did. Memory is a gift even in its gaps because it grants you surprise#You can learn something new about someone or remember something old and feel the love of them so deeply again- and it's you.#It's your little heart- the heated clay inside you then- that gained weight + shape + finger-prints with the years you've been collecting.#ownwords
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to the boyfriend i want so hopelessly but will never have, happy birthday milove ♡
#gyugyu 🐶#hiiii ! yes this is the mandatory ‘it’s my ult bias day’ sappy ass long delulu message from aleyna 💌#so pls proceed with caution bc once i start talking it’ll get ... yeah. anyway#happy mingoo day everyone 🥺🥺#he the loml 💖 (... one of many but let’s not talk about that *cough*)#i just love him so much :((#the giant puppy boy who stole my heart and never gave it back 😭😞#also he’s literally the most boyfriend to ever boyfriend?????? it’s so unfair ☹️#just another day of not having mangyu 😔... what is life#do you know the feeling when you like look at someone and your heart starts swelling in your chest so much that it hurts??#that’s exactly how i feel whenever i look at mingyu 🥺! i appreciate and love every little thing about him so much i :(( can’t explain#he’s soooooo comfort shaped i love him 😞. god. wanna pepper kisses all over his face and tell him how happy he makes me and#how precious he is and how i’d actually commit arson for him 😭#also wanna kith those pretty moles 🥺🤏🏼 nnnnnnnn#why so babie if so huge 😔 he’s literally a giant puppy baby ashtsjjdhk GOD#when he laughs/giggles >>>>>>>>>!! my heart is hurting so BAD i’m so fond of him 😭😭😭#every now and then i find myself going; SIR WHY ARE U DOING THIS ARE U WILLING TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY POOR HEART??#like loving him literally unlocked a whole new spectrum of emotions for me idk how to explain this like a sane person#in short this is like. the most fucking delulu i’ve ever been in my life 💀? or at least it feels like it...#😩 just one chance PLS!!! PLS I BEG!!!! :(( i’m so down bad it’s SO BAD#a very brainrot inducing man (the type i always fall for 😔?! started seeing the patterns hhhhh)#the amount of love my little body holds for him is insane 😷 (little in comparison to him btw... i’m generic female height 👾)#loving mingoo feels like a rainy night where you’re cuddling with your loved one under a blankie; about to fall asleep bc of how cozy u are#i wish words were enough to express how i feel about this man... but it really isn’t 😕!#he just means a lot to me okay?#he’s everything and beyond 💓 i love him like my whole life depends on it (although i’m like that for several people)#not my fault that my heart is so fucking big and it has separate places to store everyone i adore 💖#happy bday babylove 🥺 i hope your day is filled with the happiest of moments and you can celebrate properly 💕#it’s so sad that you’ll never know how much you mean to this random girl on the other side of the world :/#i’m so done for aren’t i? took like 40 minutes to type and everything... sigh. i love him so bad </3
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In my feels about my body, and rn they are not happy feels
It's hard to like my image when my body doesn't feel like "me" and feeling frustrated I'm struggling to loose weight due to pcos, wondering if I'd be happier in my body if I was born a boy, and stressed about trying to seek gender affirming care
Guess I just fear my body will never truly feel like it's mine, scared I'll hate my body forever
I want to like my body, I want to see me in the mirror
#emotions make things complicated#my body shape isnt bad#my weight isnt terrible either#i just dont feel like me in my body#i dont look anything like i was hoping to before i hit puberty#i meam tbh i expected to look like my brother and become a boy after puberty#i guess im also tired of having a terrible relationship with food due to my weight and as someone who forced to diet as a child#just tired
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going over old fic notes and outlines and character talks with friends and it's always really funny when i get to the stuff i was developing early-mid 2019 where bill just literally kept kryptos around to rag on, and he genuinely just. did not like the man. like was just completely annoyed with his general existence. boy have things changed
#for anyone curious: i came to the conclusion that no amount of 'this guy sucks but he's fun to bully' would get bill to keep someone around#for like literal eons. bill gets bored of his toys too quickly. he'd break 'em. plus the fact that bill decided he was worth saving to begi#with. there was at first an element of 'i owe the guy' because [FIC SPOILERS] and a grudging 'if i had a gun to my head i'd say he was my#best friend i GUESS but do not tell him that' but no real genuine friendship or anything more#before realizing that with the specific story i was going to tell it just made the most sense to have these assholes still be like.#bad people for sure but to actually care about each other. it also just felt too easy to write bill off as someone whose cruelty is just#a lack of certain emotions. like that doesn't automatically make a bad person and a bad person doesn't automatically lack emotion#(there's a character that'll be introduced sometime soon who is aroace and doesn't make friends easily and she's lovely because...)#(idk man. i'm aroace and why shouldn't she be. a lack of affection doesn't make you bad and the ability to feel it doens't make you good)#so bill can and does love people-- even if actual vulnerability is near impossible to get from him-- and kryptos is included in that#it's just that he still sucks really bad and hurts and even kills people that he loves because again. bad person who has no idea how to#navigate relationships healthily because of his own baggage and the environment he grew up in#(also in canon he usually does not want to navigate relationships healthily because. again. he sucks!)#so the only lasting relationship he's ever had where he isn't trying to hurt someone is still just... messy as hell#(and to be fair kryptos is also a p. bad person by adulthood it's just that they're pretty young at this point in the fic)#(so there's less avenues to show that)#kryptos being desperate for any scrap of attention and bill providing the only attention he's ever gotten was always the vibe#but it really was much more of a 'bully and bulling victim who he lets hang around him because said victim'#'is like the only one willing to talk to him' dynamic which is... very much not the case anymore#as said in the tags of my fic. these awful shapes care about each other as best they can care about anyone#anyway sorry idk how much anyone really cares about these tag essays but theyre helpful for me to get my thought process like... down#and track how different the story used to be
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It clearly wasn’t important to you (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#Helix#Dexter Favin#Max Vyer#ZEX#''It was a mistake''#That's another person in there Dex! Even if he knew what you were talking about he wasn't the one who experienced it!#That said even with their dynamic how Would ZEX react to the implication of him already being involved with a human#Presumably this would be set before Everything Terrible(? Does such a time exist? Probably not if he's wearing that shirt haha)#Something of a return to form of drawing someone else's mind in a body that emotes differently! Haha#Max's body with large and dark eyebags looks strange to me :0#It's especially funny because I /have/ drawn ZEX with what I'd consider ''Max's body'' for some of my concept/outlining sketches#But that body feels like his! It's like - his own molecules rearranged into a similar shape it was never Max or anyone else there#But here - it's weird! How does he look so different when the inspiration source is the same!!#Context I guess lol#Speaking of designs I'm pretty sure I keep making Dex too fluffy lol slightly out of control floof#All my fluff shapes have gotten very big! I blame Scriabin lol#Nothing a few studies couldn't work towards ♪ Give it a sense of weight that'd be nice#Poor Dex and poor Max and poor ZEX - none of them make it out unscathed! Some certainly worse than others
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#so#here is the thing#when you've spent most of your life in a very happy relationship with fantasy#the idea of having a relationship in *reality*#well that may not be very happy. might result in feeling like your heart got ripped out your asshole. but even ignoring that#suddenly the amorphous idea of a partner (which can be anything) takes the shape of an actual person#which can very much only be one thing. this feels like doors closing. feels like getting trapped#part of the difficulty here is that i have difficulty not thinking in the long term (this is a defense mechanism apparently) so#even allowing the possibility of being with someone feels confining#because what if the reality is painfully disappointing (like everyone keeps telling me it will be#bc nothing can measure up to the fantasy) and then im trapped between a lifetime of disappointment and breaking somebody's heart#like. fantasy and Yearning leave one empty to a degree but they've kept me *alive*#and how could the reality ever have that same emotional high while also being Safe and in control#also it doesn't hurt anybody#my over the top desire for intensity feels like something nobody's ever going to want to match. too big. too much. unhealthy prolly#even if they did it wouldn't necessarily be a good thing#so. better maybe to quarantine myself to fantasy.#the Rewards of Being Loved tho. i want those.#realistic and rational part of me knows that Those are the Real Good Healthy Thing that will help the pain#but damn if im not attached to my little pet torments#what if i don't want to be healed? does suffering and trauma just sort of get you addicted to the intensity of emotion and then you're jus#chasing that forever? is anything healthy ever going to feel like Enough???#like how do you just ask somebody ''hey do you want to crawl inside each other's rib cages and take everything way too fucking seriously#so we can attempt to maintain a perpetual state of Desire and the subsequent altered state of consciousness until we both die?''#''but in like a chill way?''#like that's *insane*#im insane. is there any way to have both???#ugh. anyway. don't get crushes this sucks.
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fun little raz fact I love genderbend but in a deeply dykeish way. I just love women so much and always end up hyperfixated on male characters. however... when people write the woman version as petite and curvy and soft and weak I want to bite something. maintain the fucking character design you cowards. I don't CARE if they have features that are more conventionally attractive on men than women KEEP THAT SAME ENERGY. some of us LIKE that shit and pretending that women can't have masculine features is transphobic, racist, and misogynistic. however... when they DO maintain the character I am kissing the author on the mouth gently and platonically. I'm loeign woman.
#its not funny either. theres no 'oh haha strong man weak! look how he struggles!' joke abt women that will ever be fucking funny.#i am dead serious about this too. it pisses me off. you cant say personal beliefs dont carry over to fiction with rhis shit going down.#it pisses me off so badly.#or when they make the character suddenly so whiny and emotional. what if i killed you with a knife rn.#i want the same guy. to be a girl. got it? bonus points if she's trans.#anyway. women come in all shapes and sizes and while their beauty shouldn't define them they should still have the chance to feel good#about their appearance and that can start in the media we consume. while it is not fanfiction's job to do such there is a greater capacity#progressive subversion when monetary gains aren't consisted.#and that should be borne in mind when writing it. if this is your story it is likely someone else's and writing it will likely have a#massive unseen impact on SOMEONE that should not be discarded for its amateur nature.#so cut this shit out.#raspberry rambles#fanfiction#fandom#genderbend#I'm gonna start fights hopefully. I'm ready to duke it out over this shit.
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