#op this genuinely made me spiral

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

@softgirlgonehaywire @staryukis @elusivemoon

心の底から・from the bottom of my heart

[vulcan-moon]

im of the opinion that some of the original criticisms posted on tumblr were legit worth thinking about but to hear that it just turned into a complete dogpile on twitter is really disappointing :/ why i dont use that site ig lmao

yeah, i've just seen so many of these callout posts inevitably end up as a dogpile. no matter how much you label a post as "do not harass this person", the action of making the post in the first place, putting it in front of an audience, condemning actions as morally bad rather than thinking of them as mistakes someone can learn from, it just. doesn't ever end well, especially not when the person making the callout post views getting blocked by the person they're calling out as "winning". so often, this shit is seen as a way to gain internet points rather than as a way to actually open up any kind of a dialogue with people.

it creates such an atmosphere of fear where people are afraid of fucking up - and they shouldn't be! nobody is ever going to handle something perfectly, and no group of people will ever agree on what the right way to handle something is. people should be allowed to fuck up and be told it in a way that isn't instantly hostile. it primes an environment where people are so, so quick to distance themselves based on any allegations without reading into the motives of the person making them, all out of fear of being associated w that person and so called out themselves.

and it's got to the point with those kinds of posts now where such heavy fucking terms are misused and it waters down any actual accusations that people make. bc there's stuff like what happened in the last week w silvercistern that could have been handled in private or by distancing from her if she didn't take criticism well, vs like genuinely horrific shit that should be called out like the whole ukulele apology video situation.

[thevalleyoftriumph]

im beginning to think that i am mentally ill and the internet makes my mental illness Worse

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for starting shit with a 15 year old??

Alrighty here’s our cast:

I’m OP, I’m 19 years old, I’m FtM trans but not out nor have I started transitioning medically. I’ve graduated but live at home while I attend college

I have a little sister named “Janet”, she’s 16 and a sophomore. She’s popular, friendly, and had a big friend group

Janet has a friend named “Amy” who’s 15. Amy is the kid I think I started beef with

Okay for the story;

Janet is the leader of her group. She’s got the strongest personality and is the most sociable. Almost all the kids in her group are comfortably upper class while Janet and I are sitting very middle class. It’s always very jarring when I drop Janet off at a friend’s house and it’s a literal mansion.

Amy is who introduced Janet to this group, but it became quickly very clear that Amy has never been told “no” in her life. She’s controlling, spoiled, and jealous. Now, I’ve hung out with Amy before (Janet was there too, we were at a get together and Amy tagged along with us) and she’s a sweet girl, but definitely a product of her environment.

Now, over the last few weeks, things have spiraled out of control for that group. Amy got a boyfriend and has been repeatedly picked to spend time with him and made her friends (Janet’s group) feel like shit about it. Her boyfriend was always invited to group things, but Amy refused to let him join. She cited the other girls (who are all either lesbians or dating other boys) as trying to “steal her man”. She’s very insecure about herself and I genuinely feel bad for her

Recently, she’s been left out of group activities because she chose not to attend, but then later would send the group hateful messages on social media or would vague post about them being pieces of shit because they didn’t insist that she attend. Janet’s been under fire the most along with another girl named “Christina”. Amy even went as far as to out Christina as bisexual on Snapchat because Christina pointed out that Amy could have attended their Halloween party at any time as it lasted for seven hours

So Amy’s a mess.

Now, recently (again), Janet started talking to a boy we’ll call “Jeremy”. Jeremy’s a sweet guy, he’s in band, he’s still a dork because he’s a high school sophomore, but he’s still a cool kid. One day, Jeremy sends a bunch of screenshots to Janet from Amy. Amy, who has a boyfriend as mentioned above. Amy was not only flirting with Jeremy, but also talking shit about me and my family. She called my mom fat, said my dad was lying about having cancer (he’s a terminal colon cancer patient), called my twin sister an ugly control freak, and me a “gay whore who acts like a man” (LMAOOOO).

Here’s where I may be the asshole. I got Amy’s number from Janet’s phone and sent her what’s basically an essay calling her out for these insults and also threatening to screw her parents. I told her to never contact Janet again and that I hope she got over her insecurities. I know her insults weren’t directed towards me nor was I supposed to see them, but I can’t stand people talking about my family. I know I shouldn’t have contacted her, especially behind Janet’s back, but I wanted to defend myself and my family

Anyways, if I’m voted the asshole for sticking my nose in high schoolers’ business, I’d completely understand

🧐

^^^ so I can find this again 😭

What are these acronyms?

[raspberryflo]

so, need an outside opinion on this.

Herobrine, from the originally screenshot, not any adaptations, was an avatar of the spiral/stranger, leaning towards the latter.

Here are my thoughts on how Herobrine should be classified if he were brought up as existing in the Magnus Archives universe… So to preface, I disagree, I don't think that Herobrine should be classified as either a Stranger or Spiral avatar- I think he would be an avatar of the Eye. But there are points to be made for both of these options.

The Spiral is the fear of your mind lying to you, an aspect which is very much present in the original Herobrine creepypasta- OP explains that they would "constantly think [they] saw the other player" but could not manage to see him proper, bar their first encounter. The key takeaway here being that they thought that they saw somebody else in the fog, but could never confirm it, which I imagine would create a sense of paranoia that their mind was playing tricks on them- perfect for the Spiral. Similarly, when OP apparently posted about their findings online, their messages were quickly deleted- the suppression of knowledge about the figure that they had encountered would create more unknowns for OP and further the paranoia, which is why Herobrine could be considered an avatar of the Spiral. The OP also seems confused about structures that appeared in their world, since clearly they could not generate naturally- if Herobrine was an avatar of the Spiral, it would make sense for him to build random structures throughout the world just for the purpose of confusing the player and getting into their head.

As for the Stranger, I think that there's less evidence that Herobrine should be categorised this way. The Stranger is the fear of the unknown and the uncanny. Even though now in 2024 pretty much everyone who has heard of Minecraft has also heard of Herobrine, in 2010 Minecraft was much more niche and not every nook and cranny of the game had been explored, and so back then, the concept that somehow a ghostlike figure had made it's way into the game wasn't impossible. His existence could genuinely be believed, though not fully understood, giving credence to him being an avatar for the Stranger. Backing this up is his appearance of being exactly the same to the player character, but slightly uncanny, having glowing white eyes- with a modified, unusual appearance being a telltale sign of the Stranger. But his behaviour doesn't really align with how you'd expect a Stranger avatar to act, since all he does is watch the player and (supposedly) stop telling them to find more information. Which is why I think he would be an avatar of the Eye.

Throughout the original creepypasta, Herobrine doesn't take any direct action to confront or communicate with the player; every time he's mentioned in-game, he's described as simply watching from afar. Although this creates a sense of paranoia for the OP, they are specifically paranoid of being watched by somebody, mentioning that they constantly tried to catch whoever was watching them- although to no avail. Herobrine's behaviour here also reminds me a lot of the way that Jon is described by his victims when he appears in their dreams, just watching silently, never interacting. What's more, the situation drives OP to post on the forums asking about this, but their post gets deleted. One of the key aspects in regards to the Eye's identity is the desire for knowledge, even if it comes at a cost; here, Herobrine's presence leads OP to repeatedly seek out answers, despite the fact that it caused their posts to be deleted and for them to get into trouble with a moderator. My last persuasion point is that Herobrine's one key iconic identifying feature is that he literally has Evil Scary Eyes.

Thankyou for coming to my squiddo talk

[suffersinfandom]

Heyo, @nidmightcookies! This is my response to your reply on Atticus' post over here -- I didn't want to take away from the message of that post or the additions from other POC.

Sidenote: I'm extremely white and have no credentials that make me qualified to talk about race (I'm just a person who reads and tries to listen), and my takes are probably going to show that. That's another reason I didn't want to clutter up the original post with my reply.

In response to this

“Why is it racist to depict Ed as uncontrollably violent?  Because he's not actually depicted that way in the show.”

you talk about Ed baiting the crew to murder him and committing other violent acts. The original point is stating that Ed is not depicted as uncontrollably violent in the show, not claiming that he perpetrated no violence full stop. Yes, Ed does violence. No, he is not uncontrollably violent.

What Ed does is purposeful, not uncontrollable. He doesn’t push Lucius off the ship after he gives up all hope because he’s a violent guy who just does stuff like that, and the mutiny situation in S2E2… as allthinky said in a response, “that’s Ed at the end of his rope,” not him being uncontrollably violent. He’d been working towards suicide ever since he started baiting Low. As a backup plan, he’s been working the crew hard, disregarding their well-being, and being an overall awful boss in an attempt to incite a mutiny. 

Yes, he was “a serious, immediate threat to his crew” by the time he was out of other ideas to make someone take him out. Ed commits acts of violence -- I don’t think I’ve seen anyone claim he doesn’t -- but he always does so with some amount of reason (not necessarily good reasons) and control. 

“Upon reflection, my biggest issue may be with the people who argue that Ed's never been shown to be violent, or that any time he has resorted to violence, he's absolved of blame by the fact that someone was mean to him first. Which... I don't think I've seen you make either of those arguments at any point in the past.”

I’m really glad that you mentioned that OP hadn’t made either of those arguments (that you know of), that was genuinely very cool. As for the rest of it, I don’t believe I’ve seen anyone say that Ed is “never shown to be violent” or that he can always be “absolved of the blame” unless you want to remove all of the nuance from common talking points. 

He is never shown to be more violent than the average pirate and, due to his deep-seated trauma relating to his own capacity for violence, he’s actually on the less violent end of the pirate spectrum. He can’t be absolved of all blame for his actions because he’s a grown man who makes his own choices (and saying otherwise robs him of his agency). What I’ve seen said is that Ed’s actions are informed by things like trauma, abuse, and racism. His actions make sense. They’re not spontaneous violence committed because Ed flies into rages and homicidal spirals out of the blue.

“Not saying we shouldn't consider it [that is, are we “assigning more weight to Ed's violent actions than those of other characters or assuming he's worse than he actually is”], but I mean. If a white character on the show had cut off his employee's toes and fed them to him, shot him in the leg, ordered his death, held a gun on his other subordinates, marooned some/tossed one overboard, threatened to drown the ones that remained... because he was pushed into it, with the same combination of abusive childhood/hostile work environment... would he be equally deserving of that consideration? Would it be an overreaction to call him dangerous?”

Probably, but if everything was the same except Ed Is White Now, his baggage and his relationship with Izzy wouldn’t be exactly the same. Ed's race isn’t inconsequential. We can't really remove race from the story and end up with the same character, y'know?

Also: I do think it’s inappropriate to turn this question back on POC. I don’t think that POC are obligated to reconsider biases against a white character.

“Izzy is crew”

Ed’s relationship to Izzy is not comparable to his relationship with the crew. The crew have done nothing wrong and haven’t behaved antagonistically towards Ed. Izzy and Ed have a complicated, toxic, and difficult relationship (regardless of where you stand on whether or not Izzy’s abusive), therefore any harm caused to Izzy has to be considered differently than harm caused to the rest of the crew.

“Even if we say that he doesn't count, Ed still pushed Lucius off the ship.”

Yes, Ed did do that, but I think that Atticus is talking about Ed’s S2 actions in that point, not what happened in S1. Most (I think all?) meta I’ve read does consider Ed pushing Lucius off the ship an act of violence that Lucius himself did nothing to provoke. 

This might be controversial, but I’d put Ed pushing Lucius overboard on par with, like, a particularly unjust firing in a workplace that isn’t a pirate vessel. When we watch OFMD, we have to adjust our physical violence meters to account for the fact that we’re dealing with an environment that’s full of physical violence.

“Also, emotional abuse directed at the rest of the crew is still abuse”

I don't consider Ed emotionally abusive. He works the crew hard. He’s a terrible boss who doesn’t give his employees vacation days or paid time off and then throws them a sad pizza party. That sucks, it’s not okay, and his final death spiral in S2E2 is terrible and he never should have involved the crew in that. 

Abuse is a pattern of behavior that’s meant to control people. Not all harm is abuse. When I say that Ed isn't abusive, I'm not saying that he didn't hurt people.

“So... I was raised by a physically and psychologically abusive parent. I get that Ed's been hurt, is still hurting, and why. The "why" doesn't matter for the question of "did he or didn't he", though. It may or may not be his fault, he may or may not have done it because he felt unsafe. The point is, his actions did hurt people.”

Same, friend, and I'm sorry you went through that. (That’s actually one of the reasons I’ve always been wary of Izzy. What he says and does in S1 is too familiar to me, sometimes to a point where I can’t watch certain scenes.) I don’t think anyone’s saying that Ed isn’t hurting anyone, or that all of his actions can be attributed to abuse. If that’s not what you’re getting at here, apologies for misunderstanding.

“His boss that he was trying to control was brown.  Was that a factor in his power play though, or was it because Taika wound up being cast as Blackbeard? Any other (white) actor in the role, would Izzy be as bad for trying to control him? Would the scripts have gone a different way?”

Here’s the thing. In the show we have, Blackbeard is played by a Maori/Jewish man, and this fundamentally alters the character. There are things in the show -- whole episodes, if you want to look at S1E5 and the fancy party guests who treat Ed like exotic entertainment and not a peer -- that wouldn’t be the same if Ed was white. 

And yeah, Ed being brown changes the dynamic between Ed and Izzy. It would still be bad if a white guy was trying to control another white guy, but it wouldn’t be bad on the same level. Same goes if they were both brown. A white man trying to control the behavior of an indigenous man is worse.

“Izzy got permanently disfigured, crippled, and dead, while Ed came out largely unscathed in a physical sense, due to Muppet logic. Not to say one is more deserving than the other, but for a bunch of fans, there's probably a sense of Izzy getting the short end of the stick, to consider.”

That’s fine if some people feel like Izzy got the short end of the stick. It’s fine that some people feel like Izzy’s arc was kinder to him than it should have been. It’s okay to feel whatever! We connect emotionally to different characters and that biases our opinions and meta. That’s not a crime. We just need to be aware of our biases and why they exist.

The thing with OFMD is that Ed is a main character with more background and a story that, at every turn, asks you to sympathize with him. We’re given a look into Ed’s psyche. We understand at least some of his trauma and hurt and why he acts the way he does. Izzy has virtually no backstory and we’re never offered a glimpse into his mind; we don’t know why he’s like that. You can totally like a secondary character (or even an antagonist!) with no real canonical background or mental groundwork. It’s fun to ask why characters do what they do when canon doesn’t offer us any answers, and who doesn’t love a mystery box? 

But with OFMD, it can raise eyebrows when people say their main concern is the suffering of a white man who behaves antagonistically towards a brown man, especially when that brown character is a well-developed lead who also suffers (and suffers at the hands of aforementioned white character). It’s not inherently racist for someone to care more about Izzy than Ed, but it’s also not unreasonable to ask that someone to think about the possibility that subconscious racism could be factoring into their point of view.

“I don't think it's fair discussion to have a rule saying ‘even though you didn't directly call out the brown man, your argument is still racist’... even if it's true in many cases, it effectively means that no criticism of the character can ever be considered valid. If someone wants to argue ‘removing your employee's toes and feeding them to him is abusive behavior’, they can't, because of the unspoken skin colors involved? I don't know what the solution to this is.”

No one is saying that all criticism of a character of color is racist or invalid. As allthinky said in response, we’re saying that “those critiques have to be based on real evidence, and placed in a careful context, so that their actions can be understood as human, and not just the brutality of some brute.”

Criticize, but criticize with evidence and with awareness of the context of the criticized behavior. 

With the Izzy example, you have to consider the context of their relationship and Izzy’s actions throughout S1. Izzy isn’t just an employee: he’s a trusted second-in-command who has been insulting, controlling, and disloyal; he endangered not just Stede but also Ed and the rest of the crew; he told Ed that he was better off dead than acting as he was, and that Izzy's loyalty belongs to the violent worksona that Ed wants to shed. Is Ed being abusive when he’s reacting in response to abuse from his abuser? 

“[T]he show has layers (like an onion). Sometimes the meaning is not entirely surface-level, and everyone has a different level of comprehension. Sometimes obvious things to us aren't obvious to other fans/vice-versa. There's a whole 'nother discussion of media literacy to be had.”

I think that Atticus said it best here: “This is not a subtle show. That's not to say it's a simple one [...]. It's amazingly layered and emotional responses by characters are often extremely complex. However, when the show is trying to tell you something, it's not subtle and it never tries to hide it.”

There are a lot of things in OFMD that are subjective and open to interpretation, and those things are fun to discuss even when we have different takes. There are also a lot of things that are very clear. When people try to subvert the messages and ideas that OFMD is conveying loudly and openly, other fans get suspicious and wonder if the folks doing the subverting have an agenda, a bias, or just misunderstand what the show is saying.

I hope that reply was sufficient!

[kartoffelstern]

answered ask from my curiouscat! feel free to send me asks either here on tumblr or on “curiouscat.live/kartoffelstern”, be it ideas, headcanons, questions, art requests, etc….or just saying hi!)

hellooo! what is ur take on how doflamingo felt when he’s pointing the gun at Rosi, killing him and the aftermaths? Was it (twisted) love? Hate? Both? Do you think he has any nightmares about him killing his dear Rosi again?

ah, DQ bros...my beloved, tragic birds;; here's my personal take, less gooooo

I do believe that Doffy genuinely loved Rosi. He took him in without asking many questions after all these years of being separated from each other, made him one of his executives in an instant because hey, that's his cute lil baby brother! and he came back into Doffy's arms!!

it's a complicated relationship they have - certainly anything BUT healthy. Doffy's understanding of love & family is twisted, riddled with his urge to control those he loves, because he thinks that only he knows what's best, only he can make Rosi happy!

Betrayal is the one thing Doffy despises most of all. He might forgive failures, but if stabbed in the back, he won't hesitate to punish even those he considers to be closest to him. he demands absolute loyalty, ultimate control. If one puppet dances to its own tune, he will cute off its strings and throw it away.

This is the second time Cora betrayed him - first it was infiltrating his new family as an undercover Marine with the goal of bringing him down, second was choosing Law over him. Law, a boy who resembled himself so, so closely...and yet Cora chose to go behind his own blood brother in favor of some kid he barely even knows? (Rosi wants to right his mistakes, do the right thing now that he couldn't do for Doffy when he was just a helpless child himself) it only fuels that ever-burning rage Doffy harbors

so when he realizes this, his only option is to shoot his heart dead - even if it might cause him pain as well (killing Cora was the moment he shed his last sense of humanity and spiraled further and further into madness)

I also think that Rosi's betrayal and subsequent death at his own hands haunts Doffy's dreams

causes him to hallucinate shadows on the wall that look like black feathers, the whiff of smoke where there is none

maybe he even spots him in his solitary cell in Impel Down as a silent ghost...

BONUS: | SPOILERS FOR THE OP ODYSSEE GAME INCOMING!!! |

you know that moment when memory!Cora saves Law from Doffy during the Dressrosa level? and Doffy was very quick to say "well, I killed you once, I can kill you again" I think it makes you inclined to say 'huh, Doffy must have really not cared for Rosinante at ALL if he's that casual about murdering his own brother in cold blood yet again', but also take into account that it had been 13 years at that point and Doffy's sanity has massively deteriorated. I think his younger self would have reacted differently had he been given a second chance to spare Rosi (or maybe that's just my own wishful thinking mhmm)

ANYWAYS...I am so in love with the DQ bros and their tragic, tragic relationship, I could ramble on about them all day;;

[scammydoesstuff]

heya, I saw your post and I'm really sorry you had a disappointing experience with Neil; I get that BG3 and Astarion shot him to fame but there's still a lot of fans around for his older roles actively posting fics and art (karl, nikolai ginoviev, kamsi etc), so it's not a dead fandom by any means. Village isn't an 'old' game either (it's only 3 years old??) and anyone who says so is wrong imo. I hope your week gets better~

Thank you for the kind words.

I've been mostly spending the last week recovering from being sick and drawing to get out the negative feelings while also trying to rationalize a lot of that interaction.

Honestly, I didn't want to make that post super long, so I didn't go in-depth with all of it for the sake of brevity (because I tend to over explain and get to be very long winded - as you're about to see). I do want to insist that I don't necessarily blame Neil for it being negative. I'm sure it was mostly on me and I'm also sure I was overreacting. Drawing that was just my way of getting out some of those negative feelings instead of spiraling.

So, in regards to the convention: we wound up waiting basically 2 days to even meet Neil. Not...because we wanted to, mind. His line was crazy long every day and it wasn't uncommon to see people sitting down in his line, usually waiting for him to come back from a panel or a photo op. All the lines were moving slow all weekend, though. Not just his. That was one of my biggest issues with the convention as a whole and a critique genuinely unique to this one since the last Fan Expo I went to wasn't nearly that bad.

Our weekend was unfortunately pretty booked as well, so we couldn't wait all day and, after being in his line for nearly 3 hours that morning and barely moving, we had to leave for a lunch reservation with some friends who could only be there for one day after he left for a panel, cutting the line off. They did give out little numbers to anyone who'd been waiting up until that point to hop back into line later that day, however, if we had somewhere to be.

Due to short staffing at the restaurant, lunch also ran long and we didn't end up getting back until about an hour before the convention hall was set to close. We ran to Neil's line where they were cutting it off and, I'm super ashamed to admit, I let my boyfriend lie our way back into line (he told them we were leaving that night instead of staying the full 3 days we'd paid for, which coerced them to let us enter the line anyway) and spent the rest of the wait feeling guilty and really tempted to leave despite knowing on some level that this would likely be our last chance for the weekend. That's still on me. I could've said no and just left and not been a total piece of shit, but I didn't. Granted, other people got in line after us, so they weren't being that strict about it anyway, but I digress.

Regardless, we were already pushing it and I know that and I regret it. When we get to the front, I already wanted to keep things brief; get an autograph if I could, but mostly show him the Heisenberg plushie I'd made not long after the game came out.

(this is the plushie, btw. He took months to complete because he's entirely hand sewn - with the face being hand-embroidered - and was a major comfort project because of a lot of things going on in my personal life at the time that were causing me major stress. I've been hoping Neil would come to a con close enough for us to travel to at least so I could show him and this weekend was finally the opportunity I was waiting on).

So, we get to the front of the line and I see that he doesn't have any Village prints. Frankly, outside of Astarion, he doesn't have any other character prints except for one, which was a general Resident Evil group kinda thing with all the Resident Evil characters he'd done. There might've been one other, but I don't think it was for a character? It might've just been a headshot, but I could be wrong. I just know it wasn't Heisenberg-related, so I do not remember it clearly.

I was disappointed, but I decided to get the Resident Evil print anyway. I was initially going to have him sign a trench coat I'd made while working on the plushie. It was kinda practice to learn how to make the coat for that project and now it's just...my Heisenberg coat that I wear in winter. It's very warm. But I never ended up showing it to him after we finally get in front of him because the guilt was just too much.

So we start off and I was trying to be jokey and playful as I said 'I'm kinda disappointed you didn't have any Heisenberg prints' while showing him the plushie, but I can definitely see how, regardless of the tone I was trying to use, didn't come across right. So maybe *I* came off as rude instead despite trying to just...start a conversation about how I really liked Heisenberg? Totally possible. I'm not denying that.

And that's when Neil said that they don't bring prints along for Heisenberg anymore. That Village is an older game, so they don't get a lot of requests for it anyway and thus they save space when traveling. More disappointing. I started feeling worse because I could tell he was tired. It was the longest day for the exhibition hall to be open and he was still going even after everyone else was closing. He did arrive an hour after the hall opened, but it was still a long day, I know. I felt guilty and shitty, but, once he was done signing, I could properly show off the plushie - including the little cigars I'd made that he can hold cuz he has magnets in his hands. Maybe that would make him smile and lift his mood, y'know? So I was excited for his reaction and...

Nothing. Maybe a little laugh in that 'oh, that's cute' kinda way. He kinda did the voice when he saw it, but not really. I just...felt myself sink. I felt so embarrassed to have been so excited for this. My boyfriend asked if he could get a picture of Neil holding it and he did, but I was just...done. I wanted to leave because I realized that this was a mistake. It was late, he was tired, and this character doesn't mean much anymore because it's an older game that's been well overshadowed by Baldur's Gate III.

We wrapped up and left and that was it. I couldn't bring myself to say anything about how much Heisenberg meant to me as a character. I couldn't make myself show off the things about the plushie I was so proud of. I just wanted to leave because I felt like such a leech and that I shouldn't have done this.

I'm not dismissing the way I handled all of this. Looking back, I blame myself for my own bad time and I definitely blame myself for that interaction being as bad as it was. Neil was tired and, to a degree, he's right; it's not the new game that everyone's obsessed with right now. I shouldn't take it personally.

But it's easy to say that. It's so much harder to actually follow through with it. I couldn't help but feel upset because everyone else in line who'd seen the plushie would get excited to see it. Even the event manager who was hanging around at the end of the day told me I should sell them. Hell, back in April of this year, I even got to meet Maggie Robertson, who happened to be going to Fan Expo Cleveland (I live in Ohio, so less travel for that one). I thought it'd make her laugh (cuz, y'know, the size difference is accurate, right?) and, despite acting offended that I'd even bring him before her at all, she was still excited to talk about it and seemed to enjoy engaging with it. She was delightful and clearly still loves her character and that game, which made the contrast of meeting Neil so much more striking and...kinda hurtful...

So yeah...Sorry. That's a whole lotta words for 'I'm surely the reason it was so bad', but ye...Kinda got me out of an art funk, I guess. So that's something...maybe...

[asexualzoro]

it's december 9th, meaning today is my 23rd birthday (which is my favorite number!), which means it's time for...

Lew Writes Wrapped 2023!!!

im including anything that happened after my last bday, so we have some works from december as well. this one's a bit of a weird one for the total word count, you'll see why

it's all treebark from my sideblog / alt ao3. i cannot change. i will not change. for these im just gonna specify the relationship that's the main focus bc thats easier than fandom bc all but like one are third life

dandelion wishing

(Dec, 2.4k, treebark, oneshot) (link)

op movie 6 au for dogwarts in which Martyn is the baron and Ren doesn't know he's dead

id actually plotted out a whole third life au for this movie like months prior and really wanted to write it, so i took it for treebark week and focused it just on these two. it's my fave movie of all time and i obvs had to give it to my fave completely dead team <3

i will admit tho. it did make me back search martyns twitter to see if hes ever posted abt watching this movie. bc i know he likes One Piece and i realized this would bring me into the danger zone (he hasnt ever posted abt it if hes seen it)

A Romance Route for the Doomed Villain?!?

(Dec, 5k, treebark, oneshot) (link)

treebark dating sim isekai parody that spiraled out of my control made in a day-long possession

im still baffled by this one. why was the response to this one so insane?? there was smth in the water the day i posted this bro. a 1:2 kudos to hits ratio for the entire first day is literally fucking unbelievable. 70 comments?? what hold did this fic have on you people. i got fic written about this one?? my friends goncharov'd me in front of my face

really fucking fun to write and the insane response was smth im always gonna remember. i appreciate you guys so much

treesekai also turns a year old in a few days!

Until the Angels Realize You're Not One of Them

(Feb, 7.2k, emerald duo, oneshot) (link)

a traitor phil au which was mostly just me talking about all the reasons i love technoblade

this one... wasnt actually written this year for the most part? i didnt want to not acknowledge it, since it's on my ao3 in this year, but i wont be able to count it toward the total

still. traitor phil au my beloved. hearing him say on his stream he and techno wanted to do a betrayal arc made me feel insane bc i already had this written at the time

missing or obstructed

(2022-present, 12.9k, Grian & Ren, ongoing) (link)

post 3L fic about Ren and Grian seeking out closure with a lot of funny little sleep metaphors

same deal as the last fic, i, uh dont think i actually wrote anything new for missing or obstructed this year either? just uploaded chapters i wrote last year,,, i didnt wanna now acknowledge it, but i wont count this in my total later

i miss her. one day ill actually sit down and write more missing or obstructed. in my doc im JUST at introducing Martyn and i havent written it yet

to reach my mangled debut

(Sept, 4.2k, treebark week, ongoing) (link)

it wouldnt be me if i didnt have an execution somewhere in here. another op au!

THIS. I LOVE HER. when rev and i were plotting out the whole storyline for smop renchanting i was begging please give me this scene i need it and i had so much fun writing it. i rlly need to finish soon but i haven’t had time but please. please check out smop. she’s top of my priority list to update

Three-Dog Night

(Sept, 6.7k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

BIG DOG. beauty and the beast au!

god im so fond of this au. there’s some rlly good scenes written for this and unposted bc i just need to link them together. honestly i think if i took a month and focused it on this fic alone i could fucking finish it but i don’t have the time ;-;

that said i’m so enamored w this au genuinely. o dunno what else to say i just think. puppy

Cover Me In Roses

(Sept, 3.3k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

lamplight roleswap! put Martyn in a flower pot

i don’t feel as motivated to work on this one when i have lamplight unfinished so it’s lower on my priorities but know i have like an entire arc of this written and unposted. we just have a few paths for this one and i have to decide which one to use

it’s so wild to me lamplight has like. aus. like this isn’t even the only one? a roleswap. that’s insane? it’s wild that you all like lamplight enough i can even get away with this

First Sign of a House Fire

(Sept, 2k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

i love superhero stories for two reasons: plots about secrets and adapting the characters to give them powers. this had smth fun for both of them

yellow rose isn’t super high on my list of priorities to update (i think the oneshot is interesting on its own) but one day,,,, it’s part of the many aus cherri and i have but it’s the longest for sure. the doc for just this au is like 100k words long on its own. at the time i draft this cherri and i are actively writing smth else for it in another tab. theres like 4 offshoots and im obsessed w all of them. we had to make ocs about this one. i’m excited to eventually add more to this series

actually that’s one of the scenes i’m most excited for and most dreading adding. we made a backstory oc and im SO attached to him and im excited to post a thing out there w him but. ough. whatever cringe is dead i’ll get there eventually and brute force my way into attaching you to our funky little robot guy

also love that this fic forced me to be decided on a docv characterization that i have to stick to. he may be a canon guy to martyn’s vtuber lore but he’s my oc now too

Blindsided

(Sept, 2k, treebark week, ongoing) (link)

pirate au and royal au based on a big secret and also stuffing a guy in a box and it's all stupid dramatic literally what else do you want or need in life

this is my wife. my favorite. my most beloved. blindsided gives me new illnesses and diseases. i have just one scene to write before i can update it and then i can continue unleashing her. god i love this fic the drama of it is SO fun.

the funny thing abt blindsided is i know all the plot chronologically but now how to Present it which is part of why i haven’t continued too much. eventually i will but until then know that one of the scenes im sitting on which has been fully written is one i think about constantly. hopefully when i post it cherri’ll let free the comic she did for it

i actually have the ending of this fic written i just need to get there lmfao. second on my priority list after smop i think

Cradle of the Leviathan

(Sept, 1.5k, treebark week, oneshot) (link)

i just love mer aus man. whats the point of it all if you cant have mer aus. just get a big ol fish

i have the ending of this au written as well and literally so little of the lead up. but this is pretty low on my priorities. i think this one stands just fine on its own. mer aus are nice like that

we actually have a few mer aus but for now i’ll be focusing on this one. i do have a few sweet post story things written for this one. maybe one day i’ll write enough to post em lmao

Lamplight AU

(2022-present, 47k, treebark, ongoing) (link)

renchanting dnd/fantasy au, martyn's a paladin and ren's a lamp

so i started this au last year. my wrapped last year said my total was 20k, so that means this year's total is.... 27k!

and… it was just lamplight’s birthday and i did all my appreciation for the fic and its readers then, but god. i love this fic so much and i love you all who have read it and been so kind about it. the amount of popularity it has makes it a bit nerve wracking to work on, but i still really want to see it finished. i hope to see the bulk of it done by this time next year!

Six Sentence Sunday

six sentence sunday is a challenge where i try to post six sentences i wrote that week every sunday, to keep me writing every week of the year! i do it over on my writing blog, @driflew

i did not keep up on my six sentences,,, i had a lot of sunday fencing tournaments. i did for ~33 weeks this year! thats a pretty good amount! i’ll have to be more on top of it next year tho

unpublished work

the last few years i havent included unpublished work, but with the extreme bulk of it, i wanted to note it down. cherri @/cherrifire and i have been writing a lot back and forth at each other in discord dms this year, and i wanted to include those in my count! bc holy fucking shit is there a lot of them

i didn’t include collab pieces, just pieces i wrote alone. i also only included the renchanting aus i share w cherri and scarian aus i share w flowey, nothing else—no unfinished lamplight or other independent pieces or oneshots, no original fiction for class, nothing. i also missed a few u haven’t moved to docs yet. so i’m lowballing by a few. thousands. of words

the total for those is...... 135k words! there is,,, something wrong with me

total and end notes

our total this year is...

187512 words!

that might be my highest word count yet! because i caught treebark disease. wild.

something really fun about this year to me is i really loved everything i wrote.

if you want to get me a gift or support me on my birthday… maybe try reading my work and reblogging it or leaving a comment! you can find my writing at driflew or skelew on ao3, follow my writing blog at @driflew, or even consider tipping my kofi!

thank you for sticking with me and supporting me this year! i really appreciate it! hopefully i can break 100k next year too!

[theresnothingcruviswithme]

Gosh this weekend was an emotional roller coaster for me.

I am generally not a crier but I cried like 3 times.

Amanda Tapping, not just her characters, her as a human person, got me through some of those really bad times in my life. Especially because I was young and thinking that my life was over at 18 because of things that were outside my control.

At that time Sanctuary was the only show (well, classic Whose Line is it Anyway as well) that I could watch without spiraling into a panic attack or overwhelming feelings of dread.

I found online fandom which gave me a reason to get up in the morning because I had people who wanted to talk to me and it just made me feel a little less alone in the world.

Especially because it was a weird age. I was no longer in high school and didn’t keep in touch with any of those friends and I wasn’t able to return to university. And anything related to college was a major trigger so I completely stopped talking to those friends too.

But there was my little Sanctuary/Amanda Tapping bubble. My safe space.

And now, 13 years later, I am in a much better spot. And I’m in a spot where I can say I don’t regret the tough times because they would not have lead me to where I am now. And getting to finally meet Amanda properly again felt like true closure on that part of my life.

I practiced so much with what I wanted to say to her and psyched myself up so much while waiting in line and then I looked at her when it was my turn and turned into blubbering mess. Which isn’t made any better by the fact that she is the most genuinely kind and empathetic person.

She gave me a huge hug later at my photo op and one more when I went back for a table selfie today.

And I swear it literally healed something in me I didn’t know needed healing.

I’m just really happy 🥰

[emeraldsworld]

Buddy Daddies Ep 10 Speculation/ Predictions

the mood for this ep already looks so sombre I’m so unprepared..

I’m assuming from this shot that kyu does end up telling/ hinting to kazuki and rei that they’re in danger and that shigeki has asked for info.. which will obviously make them reflect on whether keeping miri with them is the safest thing for her moving forward

- or they’ve told kyu about misaki coming back and he gives them some advice they don’t want to hear… potentially something that contradicts his previous ‘don’t regret it’ advice now he knows they’re in danger but can’t betray the organisation …

which is obviously something both of them are gonna take really hard (from the looks of the trailer especially kazuki, though he wears his heart on his sleeve)

putting the rest of this under the cut bc its long

we also know that misaki makes a return in this ep. miri looked so happy to see her which really tugged on my heartstrings ahah

we know that she’s come to pick up miri and take her back from the episode synopsis

it seems that misaki is invited over for dinner from miri eating the hamburg steak and kazuki and rei sitting next to each other rather than opposite like they usually do (edit: its confirmed by the episode synopsis that she comes over to discuss)

I think this interaction with misaki, seeing miri happy in the presence of her mom for the first time AND potentially knowing that their family is in danger is gonna make kazurei reflect (spiral) on what the best course of action is… we know misaki is the one to intimate she wants miri back and they can’t really say no to her birth mother ..

I also think the reason misaki wants miri back is because she’s ‘made it big’ in her career and is moving out of japan- hence her posh new clothes and haircut and the ‘specific reason’ mentioned in the synopsis, this is also where the title ‘lost at sea’ could come into play

however I also have a theory that misaki is lying and has been paid off by the organisation to take miri back .. which would explain the fancy look and the sudden turn around in maternal feelings (though if she knows she’s gonna have a better life she may be able to offer miri a better childhood than before, since her life is no longer ‘ruined’ by her)

which brings me to these shots

we can see the family are shopping for miri again, and their bags and items are with them when they arrive at the funfair (you can tell by the rainbow lights and the final shots in the trailer with kazuki and rei)

this seems odd to me as buying miri a bunch of stuff and then having to lug it around the fair doesnt seem productive

which is why I think they might be giving her a final send off with lots of gifts and a fun day out 💔, they may not have a lot of time before the organisation closes in on them and they have to send her back to misaki..

you can tell they’re in the ferris wheel here which also makes me think they might be ambushed and the episode will end of a cliffhanger - thanks to the scenes from the op (though rei is dressed in his assassin wear in that)

(sorry for the low quality screenshot lmao)

I can’t fathom the anime making misaki come back without a genuine reason/ ploy considering the central themes of the show are about found family and how they set up that some people just don’t want to be parents … though I hope that if my organisation theory is true misaki isn’t doing something irredeemable bc they set her up as a victim and I would hate for them to do a 180° on that

and considering how many episodes are left and the focus on them truly being a family last ep, it seems too soon to definitively say that miri should live with her mom that is what’s best for her

edit: I also saw someone say that kyu may have been the one to send misaki as shigeki would just kill miri which I also think is a very likely scenario!

I’m excited for some angst though! lmk what you think this is a whole lot of waffle ngl

[greatpawtender]

same anon lol. follow up from my previous ask (I started thinking about oz and the original team more):

augh. Thinking about laurent genuinely trying to connect with makoto and failing. Thinking about him watching abbie and cynthia connect with makoto effortlessly, and feeling left out. Thinking about him talking to oz about it, and realising that oz knows nothing about makoto at all. laurent getting angry, because even he knows makoto better, and suddenly feels responsible for him. imagining laurent blaming oz, blaming shi-won because they "made" him this way, even though by now he's responsible for his own actions. I'm imagining shi-won specifically calling him out on this, because she's been there the longest. how even though he suffered, at some point he has to accept that his decisions were his own. and that arguably, makoto was put through far, far worse things than he was.

laurent empathising with makoto more and more and starting to feel kind of angry on his behalf, but realising that by now there's very little he can do... he can resent the remaining members of the original team confidence all he wants, but they've been so good to him. they're old friends but they're also walking wounds. he can blame shi-won for teaching dorothy, for bringing him to dorothy. he can blame oz for giving him makoto to work with. he can blame them, but it's not going to change anything. shi-won at least stuck by his side, so she's easier to forgive. oz is harder to forgive, even if he gave up everything for dorothy, for laurent. laurent is splitting hairs here, because he still blames them less than he blames himself.

I think once laurent has this realisation, he doesn't really know what to do with himself. he still does cons and stuff because he probably feels like anything else would be boring, but I think he now kind of wants to shoot oz (not shi-won, because like I said, her sticking directly by his side all those years makes it easier for him to "forgive" her). he gives himself reasons to hurt oz in these cons because he doesn't know when to quit a bad habit when he's spiralling. oz notices, but he doesn’t say anything. he does whatever laurent asks of him, because he's right. I don't think oz feels bad for laurent, however (I think he just feels bad for makoto at this point, because he's already processed most of his grief and self-loathing regarding miki).

I think oz is the type of person to mask his loneliness. he probably cares about laurent the same way two people in a jail cell care about each other. he does whatever laurent asks of him almost like a peace offering, because he's used to just playing whatever role people ask of him without question. he probably doesn't know who he is anymore, and he probably doesn't care. he'll just follow whatever laurent says because the memories he made with team confidence stick to him like old wallpaper, and he can't bring himself to peel them off. he traded one life for another, and he lost both of them.

unlike them, I imagine shi-won already made peace with her demons long ago. there's a reason she told kudo to just let his daughter go. there's a reason why she didn't get an arc to herself. I don't think she feels bad that they're going through this, but she probably tries to distract them once in a while because the one-sided tension between them is annoying to deal with.

sorry I'm a little skdjsjajfj about them

as it is, it feels to me that oz just goes along with what others want most of the time. he isn't too different from makoto in that regard orz

op how does it feel like to be the sexiest person on earth

god god god I LOVEE your thoughts about laurent theyre so incredibly great I've never seen more correct hcs than yours

laurent and oz bonding over fucking up makotos life augohfj its sad but. But. sigh

laurent empathizing with makoto and somehow relating to him now bc he realizes he kinda been through the same shit as him. but like. makoto dealt with way worse so he cant really say anything so he lashes out at the og team instead orz 😭

oz doing everything laurent asks kf him the same way makoto does too now . im going insanw now.

thanks op sorry i dont have anything to say bht please know that i fucking love all ur thoughts about this thank you so much you have opened my eyes

[madsworld15]

Been doing a lot of thinking these last few days. Read: I’ve been doom spiraling, and when I do that, my brain thinks about Ryan Kelley.

TL;DR: One fan's bond with the actor Ryan Kelley.

My friends, and Twitter followers know the story but I want to write it out here so I can always go back to it when I’m feeling down on myself.

I first met Ryan Kelley at HowlerCon in NJ in 2015. That year it was my first ever con so I was beside myself anxious. However, I got a photo op with Ryan because I’d loved him for years, since he was in Prayers for Bobby. That photo op didn’t turn out well, but I was proud of myself for actually doing it. That whole weekend I barely said ten words to him.

So, 7 months later in June 2016, when I saw him again at HowlerCon, I really expected Ryan to not recognize me at all. Instead, he grinned really big and said he was so happy to see me come back. He asked me for my name and smiled really big as he repeated it back to me. I had a meet and greet with him later that day, so we parted ways.

At the meet and greet, I was given the opportunity to ask a question. I asked him how hard it was to get into character for Bobby considering how morose the character always was and what ultimately happened to him. Ryan was so generous with his response and seemed genuinely happy someone had asked him about this movie.

At the end of the meet and greet I approached him directly and asked him if I could hand him something I had written for him. He told me sure, and I scrambled in my bag to find the letter. As I handed it to him, I conveyed that I was grateful he answered my question about Prayers for Bobby since it was such an important film for me. He returned the sentiment saying it was one of the most important roles he has ever done.

Later on that night, there was a party where the cast and fans could dance together and have a good time. I went, despite my anxiety, and I ended up finding Ryan on the edge of the crowd just watching. I was about to leave myself, having already used up all my social spoons, but a part of me told me I should go and talk to him. So I did. We ended up having a wonderful conversation about observing the world around us and about being from big families. He talked a bit about how his parents adopted a ton of kids, and I talked about how I had been adopted myself. Something shifted between us that day, and whatever the cause, I'm grateful it did.

The next day at his autograph session, he asked me if I was feeling better today. Then he held my hand as he signed for me, and I explained that I had anxiety which sometimes got in the way of me enjoying things. For the first time ever, Ryan wrote me a message on the image he signed for me, and he thanked me for coming.

HowlerCon convened again in June 2017, which was billed as being the last one. It made sense, considering that, at the time, the show was coming to a close. When they had announced their guests for that final year I kept waiting and waiting for them to announce Ryan's name. He was a staple for the con. So I knew he'd be attending, but as more and more got announced, I was certain he wasn't going to make it. But then, on April 21st, the con announced he was one of their Bonus Guests. I didn't see the announcement initially, but one of my con friends tagged me in a tweet response, saying they just knew I would be beside myself with that announcement.

I was excited, but then a confluence of events happened in my personal life that pushed that con completely from my mind until a few weeks before it was scheduled to happen. I bought all the photo ops with Ryan I could afford (resulting in a total of 3 different poses) and an autograph ticket along with a ticket to his meet and greet.

That year, I was excited and sad all at the same time. Ryan and I had many opportunities to talk and joke. His presence was a balm that I desperately needed at that time, considering the insanity of my life. He never once judged me for things I said or did, even if I bet more money than I should on an auction for a bobblehead of his character. When I didn't win the bobblehead, he asked his handler to come find me in the crowd and come up to him. He then hugged me and told me he appreciated the support I always showed him.

That year, I asked Ryan to write out the words: Be Your Own Anchor so that I could get them tattooed on me for my birthday. (A few months after this con, I did just that.) He joked that he wasn't a fan of tattoos himself, but if that was what I wanted, he would do it. Since I had two autograph tickets, Ryan also signed our photo op and wrote me the following message:

So glad I got to spend this weekend with you. XOXO (his signature)

Then, over the next couple of years, I would post something on Instagram related to him or Parrish and tag him, and he would like the post or comment in some way. I even remember sending him a message on Instagram during one of my low grief periods after my Pop died and when my Nana was dying of cancer. He responded and basically told me that I mattered and I wasn't a nobody.

Then came the COVID-19 lockdown. I had an excess of money because I was getting the government stipend while also being on unemployment because daycares weren't able to open during that time. So, when an auction came up to have a 15-minute Zoom call with Ryan, I leaped at the chance and won the auction.

When he came on the screen, he told me. "Let me ask you questions since I'm sure you don't have any for me." So, our conversation centered on my job -- which at the time was working for daycare and my TV critic side gig. He was very interested in my TV critic gig and I admitted to him that I reviewed his Christmas movie. He asked me who paid me to watch it.

All in all, it was a great time, and then the next day, the organizers of the event asked me for my Twitter handle. I assumed it was for promotional reasons, so I gave it to them. The next day I was driving home from work and had pulled over to get gas when I saw I had a notification that Ryan Kelley had followed me. Then a few moments later, he sent me a message letting me know that my positive attitude about the stuff we were going through really inspired him, and he was grateful that we got the chance to connect again.

I didn't talk to Ryan much over the next few years, an occasional message back and forth on Instagram or Twitter, but nothing major. Then Howler Reunion happened in June 2022, and I realized there were some things I had to tell Ryan. For one, in the time since we had last spoken I had come out to the world as non-binary and had changed my name. I knew he would be very gracious about it all, but still, I worried.

It came to the day of my duo photo op with Ryan Kelley and Linden Ashby. I had decided I would come out to both of them because my bond with Linden had always been like he was a father to me. So, I wore my Asexual pride shirt and my non-binary colored flannel and hoped for the best. My dear friend Lori, who helped run the con, went with me for moral support.

I don't remember exactly what I said to them, but I do remember that I told them afterward that this photo op was a "Pride" one so they could act proud of me. Linden reassured me that there was no acting necessary because he was proud of me. Ryan just squeezed me close to him in a side hug. Seeing the photo result, I am forever grateful that I chose to come out to Ryan because the way he looks at me in this photo is hard to describe, but gives me so much comfort to this day.

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. I do remember at my individual photo op with Ryan he asked me to explain the reasoning behind my new name. He said he had always been able to remember my old name because it was the same as his mom's and that I reminded him of her in personality and my kind nature. (cue the tears seriously) I explained to him the history behind my adopted name and how I wanted to keep a piece of that even with a more gender-neutral name so I had shortened my middle name to what is now my first. I then explained to him that it was so wonderful hearing him say my new name out loud because I felt like he was an extension of my family and that no one in my immediate family had been willing to use it yet, at least not at that point. He looked so concerned for me that my own mom wasn't being respectful at the time, and he pulled me into another hug.

That afternoon there was a final panel with the whole roster of guests. We could stand at the mics and ask questions if we wanted to, but I just wanted to thank Ryan one more time for his kindness. So, I did.

Later on in the panel, the guests were asked about a project they've done that they are so proud of. Ryan got on the mic and talked about how he knew one of his projects meant the world to a couple of his fans, and then he found me in the crowd, and we locked eyes, and it meant the world to him to know that because it was a project, he was extremely proud of himself.

Then, later on, we had an autograph session and his handler, a new one from previous years, looked up at me and asked my name. Ryan grinned and said, "Don't need it. Mads and I go way back." Then he gave me a wink and said Mads again. I told him that it had been an extremely rough time for me since the Summer of 2018. And that it helped to have my tattoo, which I then showed him, that he'd written because it reminded me to stay grounded. Then, Ryan grabbed my arm, covered my tattoo with his hand, and looked me in the eye.

"I know you think you needed me to be strong. But you are strong all on your own. It's inspiring."

I then handed him a custom Funko Pop I had made of Parrish, and he got emotional and thanked me for such a beautiful gift. When we said goodbye, I told him that I was grateful for all the kindness he had always shown me and that I would miss him. At the time I was certain we would never see each other again because I couldn't afford to travel to Europe where he frequents cons on the regular.

"This isn't goodbye. You are stuck with me for life."

I know Ryan was being kind and probably as honest as he hoped to be but I know despite our shift in bond, Ryan is still an actor and I'm still just a fan. But, our bond is definitely unique and one of a kind.

There are some days I still look at the evidence in front of me and believe that I made it all up in my head. That none of it ever happened.

[torchickentacos]

ok having a weird one today ngl. having that thing of 'extrovert who craves interaction is also facing social burnout at the same time' which is an odd feeling to balance so I'm just gonna be on tumblr today and not much else probably. not ignoring messages, of which i probably have several on discord, just kinda off vibes today. I will say though it's interesting from like. a social standpoint how different tumblr and discord or even twitter are? under cut bc I'm just rambling about the interesting and immense social differences on the paltforms despite many people using both and enjoying both

because like. with discord, it's very not on your time frame. The conversation moves on in real time, which can contribute to a sense of not having control or time to slow down, and even twitter has a similar fast-paced social vibe. But tumblr is so much more manageable in moods like this, because it's all on your terms. Conversation can be picked up and dropped off at your own time frame whereas discord keeps it moving by virtue of being a groupchat, but here it's just... idk. op answers when they want. op can talk about what they want when they want it because interacting is much more open-ended and optional on tumblr. I'm tossing this post into the void, not AT people, so I'm more comfortable just kinda quietly vibing here whereas discord, if i typed this out and sent it, people would respond and it would be a conversation. But here it's just. type it out. throw it into the world. go make coffee or something.

TLDR tumblr is parallel play where you can just vibe quietly with other people and discord is more of a genuine social setting with more expectations and pacing. Which I usually LOVE but today's just not the vibe for it. Yesterday i made a post about what to do when you feel shitty, and this is part of it. Knowing what types of social interaction are going to make you feel less isolated, and which are going to overwhelm you on a bad day. bc today is a very 'if i say anything i'm gonna spiral about if people took it right or if i came across wrong or if everyone hates me' day. And I think that's soemthing everyone struggles with to an extent, and the best way to manage it is to not necessarily avoid all interaction, but to see how you can accomodate your social life day to day depending on your mental space. Which at this point should really be a skill people are taught how to do since we're more hypersocial and interconnected now more than ever, but I digress.

[wienzard93]

misguided admiration

another genshin character rambling; kamisato ayaka

i just realized why i have my reservation for ayaka. she reminded me so much of a friend i had back in my college days. there’s this post i made way back about “self reflection” and my experience.

first and foremost i’ve never been the ‘savior’ kind of person. i’m not an extrovert. i’m self-proclaimed the most introvert out there to a point of chronic hermit. but when i’m placed in a group settings (especially those with small groups) i become very social. my switch is just kind of flipped on to mold into the situation and condition needed me to be. this isn’t me being ppl pleaser. far from it. this is me trying to socialize and try to ‘human’ and to fit in with society.

while i’m very aware and familiar of human behaviors and their patterns, i’m not actually able to feel sympathy towards most ppl i talked to. i empathize with them. it’s very different. for me when i listened to someone i tried to put myself in their situation and condition, understanding how they feel and course of action. but in my brain, i know i’m not them. when said person look to me for advice, i always can do it bcs i automatically compared that simulation of their experience to my memory and past experiences. i’ve always been aware the divide between me and others and that i’ll never completely understand other people. bcs their life is theirs, so is mine. we have different way of thinking, therefore there will never be a 100% understanding, at most maybe 80%-90%.

when i tried to understand someone i spend my time with them. i do this especially for my friends in equal manner. i always tried to split my time for what small circle i have and have quality times. most usually have no problem with my intense need of that quality times while others reacted in two ways. either they turned off and gradually moving away, or they ended up having a crush on me.

what happened between ayaka and traveler happened to me two or three times in my 4 years of undergraduate alone. one of them almost escaped my attention until my bestfriend told me about that one guy who had a crush on me. i don’t even want to think about when i was younger, maybe there are others that i didn’t know.

people like ayaka never knew what companionship is. it’s more than just spending times together and having your thoughts and words heard. they’re akin to a person who is dying of thirst in a desert. that ‘water’ is affection. affection isn’t always romantic, it can be platonic too. the way i spent my time is how i show my affection to my friends and family. unfortunately some ppl who never had a friend or received a healthy amount of attention given to them, me spending time with them means i gave them ‘special’ attention and in reaction to that the person began to develop feelings overtime.

it’s always the shy smiles, the eagerness to have more time together..

i had to reject someone’s heart multiple times, with different people, because of this misguided admiration. on one hand i can’t and couldn’t blame them for thinking the way they did. they never knew what and how genuine friendship works. on the other hand i felt bad for them. it always sent me into this spiral of ‘what did i do?’ ‘what did i say?’ ‘was it ok for me to do that?’ from time to time.

also, i hate seeing someone’s crying or sad or heartbroken because of me.

i guess in a way ayaka reminded me of that one girl i rejected in my college days. i feel the need to stay away from her to avoid the growing sentiments from ayaka. it was unbidden for me. especially after how ayaka’s character story ended. the other reason for me not liking her is bcs she IS kind of mary sue. she has the illusion of being the perfect noble lady; rich, smart, beautiful, strong and she IS meta in-game. a lot of ppl use her bcs how OP she is. adding to that i found myself hating the metaslaves part of the fandom. they’re rude, some are so full of themselves and thinks the world revolved around them.

there are layers to my feelings for ayaka’s characterization. as much as i try to redeem her in my brain, i simply cannot bring myself to like her. i just can’t.

[vague-mintyboy]

Warning: no hate to op it just literally made me spiral about challengers.

I would love to talk about the tags

Bc I know it’s a joke but it kinda encapsulates my feelings about the reception of this movie.

Like I thought while watching Challengers that it was playing on the 80s trope of a women getting in the way of a homoerotic relationship bc Hollywood didn’t like the gays. But, the fact that it never actually was brave enough to act on the subtext makes it just another example of the trope, even if it is aware of it. Which is what this tag made me spiral about. Exactly— they didn’t even show anything. The kiss was literally unintentional which is good build up but like…that was it. It felt like an empty scene that doesn’t have any tangible repercussions. Like the kiss should have had a ripple effect across the film but nah. It’s just…left there.

I liked the movie. Everyone was hot, the camera work is genuinely jaw dropping, and I love messy, complex character studies (don’t get me started on ppl who exclusively hate on Art I stg). But it isn’t revolutionary for queer rep. It isn’t even good polyamory rep!! I’ve seen so many takes being like “finally a film where a love triangle ends up in the girl getting both guys”. NO. SHE CHEATS ON HER HUSBAND. I love when characters devolve and are complex, but no. She isn’t a girlboss with two boyfriends. Like it just straight up isn’t polyamory without communication. It isn’t even attempted polyamory. It’s just cheating. Which, again, the movie isn’t claiming it isn’t. I just hate the reception of it. Ugh.

But that’s the thing. You could cut Art and Patrick’s kiss and the own frame of bisexual tinder and nothing would change. That isn’t good queer rep. And I’m not saying to have good gay rep there needs to be happy endings or that you can’t have subtext, but goddamnit gay subtext to just make your movie edgy is so fkn 2010s. It did feel like the movie didn’t genuinely want to show a friendship that slowly becomes tainted by mutual pining and internalized homophobia. It just wants to use queerness as a garnish to comment on humanity or whatever. Which is not new. Fucking Gatsby did this.

The difference between real rep and not is resolution. Resolving the queerness doesn’t need to be positive or negative or whatever— it needs to be addressed. It just feels so dated to leave it to tumblr to directly call it gay.

I’m just tired of queerness being used as a motif vs a human fucking experience. It isn’t just decoration for your indie film it’s an entire identity and culture.

And I liked the movie!!! I genuinely did. I just don’t think it’s right to let Hollywood think that is good queer rep.

We're not talking about tennis. What the fuck else do I have to talk to you about?

CHALLENGERS (2024) dir. Luca Guadagnino