#oops! all bpd!

[takkton]

No one actually wants to hang out with me unless I demand/beg for it and even then it’s hit or miss. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Why am I the only one who ever makes any plans with anyone and if I don’t put forth an invitation no one ever remembers me to return the favor? 🧐

[theokusgallery]

i have bad news for anyone who expects mental illness to be family friendly

^ yeah!

[theloversarcana]

Random Ann headcanons because I’m bored

♡An absolute menace while driving, please don’t put her behind the wheel

♡(She has a lot of road rage and is pretty reckless when it comes to driving)

♡Is very scared of ghosts but Shiho keeps trying to get her to use a ouija board in old abandoned buildings

♡Has breakdowns often and can immediately be calmed down by the promise of Ben&Jerrys Phish Food ice cream

♡On that note, is a massive crybaby

♡Beautiful Princess Disorder (ifykyk)

♡Has to wear fake eyelashes 24/7 and feels naked without them

♡When she has enough energy to do makeup but not enough to do a full face her essentials are: winged eyeliner, fake lashes+mascara, blush, a red lip and her fav Fenty highlighter (Diamond Bomb in Rosé Rave)

♡Her parents are rich and she has expensive taste in most things, constantly tries to give her friends money and buy them things but they always refuse

♡(As she gets older her parents slowly stop sending her money and she has to learn to fend for herself)

♡Flips back and forth between “I am the most beautiful person in the world” and “I am so ugly I hate myself and I want to break every mirror in my house” very often

♡Has an absurdly large collection of candles

♡Is very indecisive (and picky) about her signature fragrance. Has tried many, many perfumes but still hasn’t found the perfect one so she smells different almost every day

♡Really bad ADHD, has medication but always forgets to take it

♡Her absolute fav color is red and she has to have everything in red. Pink is second but red will always be #1

♡Sanrio girlie through and through

♡Loves binging shitty reality tv shows like Too Hot to Handle, Jersey Shore, Say Yes to the Dress, and any Gordon Ramsey shows

♡Her guilty pleasure food is Chik-Fil-A (pretending Japan has it)

♡Her main music taste is 2000s-2010s pop (Ke$ha, Britney Spears, etc) but has a very large variety of music she likes

♡Her go-to breakdown song is What Was I Made For? by Billie Eilish (also she cried at least 4 times during the Barbie movie)

♡Shiho loves going to antique stores and trying to buy cursed objects which upsets Ann GREATLY

♡(A real interaction that happened) Shiho: *holding a crowbar* This object has really intense energy.. you think someone murdered someone with it? Ann: DONT YOU DARE THINK ABOUT BUYING THAT

♡Was a Legend of Zelda girlie as a kid and still loves the series. Zelda is one of her biggest kins

♡Mean girls is her favorite movie

♡Is a practicing pagan* with Hecate as her patron goddess

♡*I say practicing lightly because she often completely forgets about it and is terrible at keeping up with holidays, routines, rituals etc

♡Has a drinking problem

♡Vomits incredibly easily, accidentally vomited on Shiho once

♡Listens to true crime podcasts while doing her makeup

♡Uses said true crime podcasts for ideas for her plan in her head to murder Kamoshida and get away with it

♡Besides Zelda her other favorite franchises are Barbie, Studio Ghibli, Sailor Moon and Monster High

♡Ryan Gosling is her celebrity crush and she especially fell in love with him after seeing him as Ken

♡Is definitely dating Shiho but could also be dating Ryuji, Futaba and/or Goro (everyone loves her)

♡She is besties with Akira (though this is very specific characterization of Akira who is transfem and straight)

♡They’re strictly best friends but they have no boundaries. They will take baths together or make out because they’re bored and lonely

♡Had to cut her hair to a bob once because her split ends were getting so bad and she cried for a week

♡Is INCREDIBLY protective of her friends and will drop anything to help them. Has been the shoulder people cried on many, many times

[moodiest-moon-jelly]

Sometimes I just wanna fuck my whole life up. Stop taking my meds. Go ham on vices just say fuck it all. Then i.. "Oh ya but if I dont take this med my tummy will hurt tomorrow" and its enough for me to take my meds and try to just go to bed

[lindentea]

tbh i didn't like him at first either! and then i got to him crying himself to sleep on his couch at the end of "Ozzie's", and then "Oops" and... ho-leeee shit. it just suddenly clicked so hard for me.

my polycules keep being really sweet and helpful to me and i don't feel like i deserve it and uhhhhhh Blitz really is just becoming a self-insert character for me, huh?

[sunkissedscribbles]

The Beach

pairing: lorenzo berkshire x poet!mentally ill!reader

genre: angst, a wee bit of fluff

tw: mental health issues, swearing

word count: 2008

summary: enzo comforts you when having a mentally rough period

a/n: my soul needed this one. i don't really want to label reader's mental state because in my mind bpd was the starting point but I think it would fit under the terms of depression as well, that's why I haven't specified it in the pairing (and because i'm not a specialist). also, it contains one of my poems I have not yet posted on my main.

playlist: The Beach - The Neighbourhood

masterlist

dividers by @chachachannah

It hasn’t even been a month since the new school year started, only two weeks. Two weeks got you utterly exhausted, and even that was an understatement. It felt like you had forgotten to talk, taking a little too long to answer, to process things – to think. Your head felt heavy with emptiness, your entire body ached as it didn’t seem to be able to release stress, holding onto it deep in your bones, low in your back.

It wasn’t just fatigue, it was emotional and mental exhaustion that made you want to lie in bed all day, yet your sensible side made you get up every day and go to your classes.

Those damn lessons.

You went to all of them, tried to siphon in as much of each subject as you could but your mind was elsewhere all the time.

At how sick you were.

At how tired you were.

And in the afternoons you did nothing other than lie in bed, trying to convince your mind that it was okay, there was nothing wrong with you, and that you needed to study.

Just five more minutes.

Oops, It’s been ten minutes ago.

Anyway.

You’re gonna start studying at next-hour-o’clock.

You didn’t.

At dinner you were only pushing your relatively small portion of food back and forth on your plate, your mind foggy with very negative thoughts as the chatter of your friends next to you blurred into an indistinctive mess of different voices over your head.

You were silent,

and lethargic,

all the time.

It was after dinners when you lay in bed, hoping this was a phase or something you’d eventually get over. But in the back of your mind, you knew you wouldn’t.

And you didn’t really want to, either – you felt so down, so numb that you felt like you couldn’t move in the direction of getting better.

Not properly.

Not permanently.

Lying there, alone, you couldn’t think of anything better than causing your own pain, physically – at least you’d feel something, wouldn’t you? Even if it’d hurt – maybe you’d deserve it. Maybe you’d deserve it because you had spent your entire summer not doing anything valuable, pushed down these feelings of despair, hurt, pain, depression. You didn’t study saying you couldn’t pay attention and you were tired – of course you were when you kept staying up endlessly, only getting mere hours of sleep and not eating enough.

Maybe you did deserve to feel this way.

You missed the affection, just a hug at least, from your friends. But you have been so withdrawn from them and they were all beating around the bush, not knowing how to corner the question of your visibly deteriorating mental health.

It was Enzo though, who paid the most attention to you; he knew you like the palm of his hand, even if you hadn’t realised it. He cared about you, probably more than he should’ve. He’d known all your mood swings, and even when you had better days, he knew you were going to be just as down, if not even worse in just a matter of days.

He couldn’t bear seeing you like this, he missed the carefree, loving Y/N you were. He missed his Y/N. Every word you spoke felt like a dagger to his heart as your tone only made it obvious just how tired and ill you were. Every time he saw you scribbling into your notebook he knew contained your poetry his heart ached, even when it was just two words.

He knew you were starting to give it all up.

Life.

You didn’t cry, and that was obvious – you’ve never been one to cry much or cry immediately when something relatively bad happened, or when it was something that you took too personally, nor when one of the bandages you thought were securely protecting your wounds were ripped off, not suddenly but slowly to hurt even more as it stuck to the surface of your heart. No, you took it, held yourself together, trying to maintain the facade you built so well and perfected over the years of suffering from whatever game your mind was playing with you.

Because the more people knowing you’re hurt the more able to hurt you.

Because the more pain you show the less people will think of you.

Because the more you trust the more leaving you and hurting you in the end, the more betraying you.

You were more on the bottling-up side, but the bottle always spilt in the end when it couldn’t hold more.

More suffering, more floating, more silence, more pain.

So, two weeks after your seventh and last year at Hogwarts had started, here you were, writing a new poem in the Astronomy Tower.

I find nirvana; I’ll exist in eternal peace, you wrote the last two lines, the cool autumn breeze in your hair.

“Y/N?” Enzo’s voice echoed through your ears, and closing your notebook, you looked up at him. This was the day the bottle broke – you’ve been crying before writing your poem.

Startled by your red eyes, he looked at you with concern. “Y/N, were you crying?” he immediately crouched down in front of you, and as he took your face in his palms gently, you could feel the dam break again. You didn’t like this. No, you couldn’t be crying in front of him.

“Just, uh, tired,” you answered in a low tone, trying to convince him – or yourself, rather.

He looks down at the notebook and shakes his head, “Liar. Let me see.”

You hesitated – how could you possibly show him what you were feeling? It took you weeks to be able to put it into words, and it’s not too happy. “Please,” he asked softly, one hand caressing your cheek, the other reaching down for the notebook in your lap. And you let him, knowing he’d get what he wanted anyway.

You saw his facial muscles twitch and tense up as he read its title, his hand falling off your face: ‘goodbye.’

His eyebrows knotted in a frown at first, glancing up at your once lively eyes, now missing the bright, pure shine they used to have.

You watched as his expression became sad and even more concerned as he breezed through your lines written.

these lines; I plan them to be the last ones I write and speak, so that I can be free in a world where pain doesn’t exist, where no clouds disfigure the sky. I go tonight; I don’t regret and don’t look back, I’m not afraid to leave anymore, I give up the fight, I end the war. i lie down tonight and drift to sleep, I unite with nature forever, and release the built-up hurt and pain. I find nirvana; I’ll exist in eternal peace.

“Y/N, you–” he shook his head as he lifted his head again, meeting your eyes. But you, you couldn’t look into his, you felt like you’d break immediately. You were afraid of what emotion would look back at you. Hurt? Sadness? Disappointment? Or would he look at you differently?

“I’m sorry,” you muttered, shaking your head, keeping it hanging low.

He cupped your face again to make you meet his gaze, gently yet forcefully tilting your head upwards. His eyes, as always had that caring look in them, mixing with concern, and a sense of fear that he’d lose you washed over him.

He’d lose you, before it was nature’s job to cross your path together, before he could even confess to you.

“...Why haven’t you told me?” he asked in a low, broken voice. Fuck, he couldn’t lose you.

You couldn’t answer him at first – how could you tell him that you’d been feeling like shit for weeks again? That the longer you’re alive the less you’re living? The more days you survive the more of your want to live, and the more of your shine you lose. you took a long breath and with a tremble tugging at your lips, you shook your head while a stray fat tear rolled down your cheek.

“Y/N, darling…” he pulled you in for a hug and as his arms enveloped you tightly, your salty tears started raining down your cheeks again, lading on the fabric of his hoodie.

“I’m sick…” you sob into his chest, not able to hold anything back anymore, not in front of him as your fists clutch the fabric on his back. “And I’m tired too.”

You weren’t fireproof, that was for a fact, and he knew it too, probably better than anyone. You didn’t want to burn in your own flames but you felt it, felt it burning you and spread over onto him, burning him too. You were holding on to him for dear life, hoping your own miserable state of mind wouldn’t murder you.

“...I hope I don’t burden you,” you trembled against his body and he held you tighter.

“You could never,” he assured you, shaking his head. “Never, honey. You’re not a burden.”

You didn’t need to say much, he’d known almost everything already. He just held you tight against him, as if you could just slip away and disappear if he wouldn’t – and the truth is, you could’ve, especially in this state. And you kept gripping his hoodie as you slowly calmed down in his arms, while his heartbeat gave yours a soothing rhythm to follow. 

You were slowly coming to your senses that felt numb all this time – his cologne was a nice mix of sandalwood and citrus which filled your nostrils and made you feel at home, even more at ease, his touch warm and soothing under your sweater, rubbing your skin through the thin layer of your shirt, his voice sending your mind into a state of contentment as he kept whispering sweet nothings into your ear, and yet again, you couldn’t help but wonder what his lips would taste like. You’d been friends for a long time and you didn’t want to ruin the relationship you two have built up over the years.

Then the three little words left his lips involuntarily; “I love you.”

You felt him stiffen against you as the realisation that he indeed said that out loud hit him, and coming down from your surprise, and trying to control your rapid heartbeat, you lift your head from his chest and meet his eyes. How could he love an emotional wreck like you?

“Y-you what?” you asked as if you hadn’t heard it right.

He gulped, trying to swallow his fear of rejection before repeating his words, “I said I loved you,” he led his hands onto your waist under your sweater as you pulled back slightly to look into his eyes, but kept drawing you in lightly.

Without any further hesitation, you crashed your lips against his, afraid this was only a dream, hence wanting to enjoy every second of it and take it to the fullest.

His lips were so soft and moved so in sync with yours, and you wanted nothing more than to stay like that forever, wrapped in his embrace, with your lips connected, your tongues dancing around, making your mouths a ballroom, available for only them.

You pulled back just to come up for air and to clarify one thing. “I love you too.”

Your words sent a jolt of electricity and happiness down his spine, and he leaned his forehead against yours before reassuringly whispering to you, “I’m not leaving. We’re in this together and you can count on me, anytime, anywhere. Just- don’t shut me out. Please… I need you here with me.”

You nodded against his skin and let out a heavy sigh. You knew it would be a long way, a really deep dive. But until it was him swimming with you it didn’t matter that you were out in the open. It wasn’t a sudden light, a newfound wave of relief taking you out to the shore, but the beach seemed closer than ever. 

tag list: @inksoakedparchment @mqstermindswift @reys-letters @girllblogging777 @myysunshine @yelanare

[pygmi-cygni]

Hello Pygmi! I wasn't sure if your requests were currently open, but nonetheless, I was wondering if you could possibly write a Moon Boys x fem reader, where the reader has both ADHD and BPD.

If you feel uncomfortable with any of this, then please feel free to ignore.

That aside, I hope you have an outstanding day.

Cheers! 💞

for sure my requests are open!! also I did a bunch of research on bpd and I really hope that it isn't inaccurate PLEASE tell me (respectfully) if it isn't!! obv every experience is different so I tried to make it as general as possible.

content: angst with a HAPPY ENDING GUYS we have happy endings here ok? mentions of mental illness, hurt/comfort, fluff, insecurity, healthy relationship dynamics ftw, afab reader and very sweet cuddles

(I made it sad I'm sorry, oops but it is fluffy, dw)

It was one of those days. A little drizzly out, cold fog still curling around your ankles. It made the boys' hair curl wonderfully, little dewy drops of condensation sparkling on their waves. Although it did feel like a wet dog when Steven smashed his face in your neck for a hug.

"Steven, honey, you're soaked," you shrieked, flinching from the wet sensation. He laughed, shaking out his hair.

"Sorry, but the bus got stopped up so I thought I'd walk," he said sheepishly, hanging his sopping coat over the radiator. You wrinkled your nose at the water pooling on the floor.

These were your favorite days; nothing to do, nowhere to go, just a nice rainy day with a cozy flat. There was leftover soup in the fridge - Marc had taken to meal planning so you didn't stress about making dinner. You'd gotten all the laundry done during a hyperactive period where you speed-cleaned the whole apartment (you'd set a record, a little less than two hours!). You were exhausted, wanting nothing more than to sit on the couch and watch television.

Steven, now changed into warm, dry clothes, poured himself a cup of tea.

"Hey, love, Jake wants to go grab somethin' for his car, but we'll be back soon, yeah? Just a few brake pads or whatever," he explained, catching your tense expression. You thumbed the ring on your finger.

"Can you text?" you offered. He nodded around a mouthful of Earl Grey.

"Sure, love, we'll be back in a bit." He pressed a warm kiss to your cheek and ducked out the door, Jake's hat tucked under his arm.

You took a deep breath and counted to ten, reminding yourself of Steven's promise. It was really nice how the trio had stepped to with communication. You felt a little over-attached sometimes, but Steven put in a ton of effort to keep you in the loop.

Pulling a blanket from the dryer, you curled up on the sofa and drifted off to the sound of a movie.

You woke later to a still empty flat. Frowning, you turned off the television and sat up. The lights in the kitchen were still off, Jake's jacket and hat were still gone.

Why hadn't they come back yet? Surely it had been long enough.

You slipped on a pair of socks and padded through the flat, peeking in every room. You didn't want to call out in fear that the boys might have just gone to bed, but it appeared you were alone in the flat. Huh. Okay. Well.

A little agitated knot began to grow in your chest. Deep breaths. Small problem, this is a small problem. He's fine. Probably just a long line at the store.

Feeling a stronger rush of adrenaline, you went to the kitchen and pulled out a few ingredients. You'd bake something while you waited. It helped take your mind off his absence and also, you were hungry.

two cups of flour, half of sugar. a bit of salt. You hummed a song while you measured, laser focused on the mixing bowl.

one teaspoon of-oh. Steven said he'd text if something happened. Dropping the spoon, you rummaged around the couch cushions until you grabbed your phone.

No messages. You refreshed the app and got the same answer. Chewing your lip, you hovered over the bowl of half-mixed ingredients. should I reach out? don't wanna intrude, maybe they've got some Khonshu work.

Nevermind that. You should just finish the snack. Muffins were a good choice - you could eat them tomorrow for breakfast. There were bananas getting old on the counter, so in they went.

half of the batter with chocolate chips, half without. Jake always made sure to put a note on your recipe so you didn't forget. He liked the chocolate on the side.

The oven timer ticked down as you waited, licking the spatula clean. It was very late now.

it wouldn't hurt to reach out. You typed out something quick and finished the batter remnants.

hi love, hope you and the boys come home soon. x

You'd sent it to the group thread so that they'd all see it, no matter who was fronting.

The rain had started up again, but now the thrumming was irritating. Your agitation built, and you tugged at the hem of your shirt. laundry. do some laundry.

Yanking the hamper from the closet, you shoved all the darks into the small washer and slammed it closed. The heavy thud-thud-slosh-thud-thud echoed in the empty flat. The emptiness was tearing at your nerves.

You hadn't missed anything. No anniversaries, no dates, no meetings. All the errands were done. The big chores were done. Nothing big at work for Steven or you.

"Why isn't he home?" you huffed, pacing in front of the door. He said he'd be an hour. He promised-

it's okay. if he wanted to reach out, he would. they all would.

did he not wanna talk to you?

That idea send a cold sheen of sweat over your arms. Shuffling to the couch, you curled under the duvet and shivered. No, it wasn't that. Steven kissed you goodbye and promised. Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes and burrowed into the faint smell of Jake's cologne. Maybe he'd be here when you woke up.

Sleep did not want to come out, apparently. You tossed and turned for a while, ate a muffin, went back to the couch, ate another muffin.

It had been two hours before you heard Jake's muffled car door slam.

Your eyes were achy and tired, and a buzzing adrenaline headache had been thrumming at your ears.

Jake was halfway through the door when you yanked him inside.

"Hey, ba-"

"Why didn't you text?" You stared at him, eyes searching his surprised face. He blinked, slowly shutting the door and removing his hat. Grease was smeared on his forehead.

"I'm...sorry, baby, I got real busy," he said genuinely, pulling you in for a short kiss. You scowled and pulled back.

"But...but Steven said you'd text if something happened."

"Okay-"

"You didn't," you emphasized, flexing your hands anxiously. Jake paused, taking in your haggard expression. Realizing the issue, he set down the bag of supplies and gently tugged you forward.

"Hey," he whispered, rubbing his hands on your shoulders. "I'm sorry, amor. I didn't mean to let time get away from me, and it did."

"But-"

"I'm sorry I scared you, but me and the two were perfectly safe the whole time. I'd never intentionally shut you out, okay?" Jake looked at you again, eyes wide and sweet. He rubbed your cheek, the soft leather of his gloves grounding you.

"I'll remember next time. Look, I'll put a note in my phone." Still wrapping you tight to his chest, Jake set a reminder, letting you watch him type it out. txt when leaving.

Your irritation quelled, leaving behind a small inkling of shame. You curled into his shirt, still damp from the rain. Jake shucked his jacked and pressed a kiss to your hair. Out of the boys, he was the best at handling little escalations. He held you for a bit, casually stroking your head with his warm hands.

"Did you make something?" He asked, catching a whiff of the banana bread. You nodded, gesturing to the kitchen. Tugging you softly behind him, Jake grabbed a muffin and took a massive bite.

"it'sh good," he mumbled around crumbs, wagging his dark eyebrows. You smiled tiredly, feeling better already. He bumped your shoulder and flopped on the couch. His socks didn't match, you noticed, curling up into his side.

The silence wasn't so bad now that you could hold him. Jake's heart beat steadily under your ear, warm and soothing. He continued rubbing your back comfortingly. The muffin was gone, but the two of you still sat in silence. Sleep tugged on your shirtsleeves, and you were tempted to just pass out on his chest.

Jake nudged your nose with his thumb, tilting your chin up.

"Hey, c'mere," he said gently, pulling you up to his face. You averted his gaze, feeling shy from your earlier outburst. Jake squeezed you a little tighter, poking your sides until you squirmed and bit back a grin.

"I'm sorry," he said, eyes soft and warm. You met his gaze then, fighting through the awkardness. At his crooked smile, you melted, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

"It's okay," you said, half-smiling back. Once he saw you relax, Jake's face broke into a bigger, crookeder grin.

"Oh, you can do better than that."

Diving forward, he smothered your face in light, sweet kisses. You giggled, shoving his chest back onto the cushions. The adorable attack lasted a few minutes, until your cheeks were pink and you were laying on top of him. Still laughing breathlessly, you snuggled tighter, taking a deep breath of his detergent.

Your hands laced together and you kissed him again, slower. Jake hummed, soft lips sucking gently on your tongue. He tasted sweet and tart, like...

"Did you go to the farmer's market?" You said accusingly, eyes narrowing. "You taste like danishes."

His eyes widened, caught in the act. "No! I ate a muffin, is all," he covered, cheekily kissing you again. His diversion did not work against your detective skills.

"No, you taste like cherries-"

"Amor, would I lie to you?" He said in mock offense, hand braced to his chest. Snorting, you made a move for the bags in the kitchen.

"Yes. Yes, you would," you poked out your tongue, causing him to stick his out right back. Your hand just brushed the edge of a pastry bag, when-

Shrieking, Jake scooped you off your feet, twirling you back to the couch and attacking your ribs. His warm hands were ticklish against your soft sides, and you quaked with laughter.

Dissolving into giggles, you both fought over the last pastry, cut in the shape of a heart.

I HOPE I DIDN'T MAKE IT TOO SAD! also sorry for taking so long!!!!!!

tags: @krakenkitty @ominoose @bulletgoth @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @justsomeonecalledemma

@iolaussharpe-24 @rosegnome @twwcs @heeheehoohoofictimr @steven-grants-world

@ael-xander @to-be-a-sunshine @weasleyswizarding-wheezes @silvernight-m

xox comment to join!

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Okay so I have a request 😭 at some point could you PLEASSEEEE make a series where it’s Anakin x reader with bipolar? I’m pretty sure Anakin already suffers from borderline but I personally suffer from bipolar and 1. Could be such good angst , 2. Anakin could literally be insane and the reader would probably want to be around him bc bipolar sometimes craves danger, and 3. I feel like it would be really nice to see Anakin comfort a bipolar reader during a really bad episode where they’re like hysterical and then manic

(I’m so sorry this was so long)

Yes, Anakin has been diagnosed with BPD by many therapists!

That’s part of the reason I love him so much. I also have BPD and I really resonate with him. Because I get it you know? He’s obsessive, he will do ANYTHING for his Favorite Person.

He’d even spill blood.

The way it would pain him so deeply to see his FP in such anguish… he’ll punch a wall and cry about it later but right then he’ll be emotionless, he’d put on the best mask of comfort he could so he could soak up all your pain and take it away.

I got carried away. Oops. Warnings: inner monologue of: Self pity, gaslighting, verbal abuse, depression, self deprecation, co-dependency, death/suicide

He’d be so strong and solid for you because you need him, but internally he’d be shattered. What if he caused your episode? What if you leave him some day when you’re manic and feral for change no matter what the consequences are? What if you never loved him in the first place and he made it all up and somehow you’ve just went along with it this whole time? What if he doesn’t actually love you and he’s just been using you because you’re vulnerable and you make him feel needed and important?

Isn’t he just some attention hungry monster? He did this to you didn’t he? He triggered this episode for the simple fact that you would be in pain, you would be dependent, you would be reliant, you would see that there is no way you could leave him because he’s the only one who can handle you. You’ll see that won’t you?

God he’s just insane isn’t he? What a sick fuck. Treating you this way for personal gain. To hell with the fact that sometimes a Bipolar episode just sneaks up on you without a reason at all. Anakin knows he did this to you. Even if he didn’t… he’s still a horrible piece of shit because he can’t fix it for you.

Or even worse: what if he’s being used? What if you are playing him and he’s been too blind with infatuation to see it? That’s what’s happening isn’t it? You’ve fucking taken advantage of his kindness, his selflessness, his undying and unconventional love for you. You’re faking it.

When you snap out of this ‘episode’ he’ll lay into you about your true intentions with him. He’d call you out on your selfishness.

He’s better than this. He deserves more than this, can’t you get that through your thick fucking skull? How could you be so stupid? How could you be so dense? Did you truly believe he actually cared about you? No, he just felt sorry for you.

He felt so fucking sorry for you. Pathetic little clingy thing. He’s given and given and given to you and you’ve been nothing but ungrateful. You didn’t even try to get better for him. You rejected his help and this is the last fucking straw. He’s given you every chance, he’s given you everything.

Oh god he’s given you his entire soul. He’s laid his entire being out onto a platter for you to pick apart and terrorize but you’ve done… the opposite. You’ve coddled him when he didn’t deserve it. You made him happy when the world around him was devoid of anything but insufferable, heavy, suffocating despair. You were the light at the end of the long, cold tunnel.

And he’d almost extinguished you.

You were the key to every emotion he couldn’t attain on his own. You kept his happiness, his love, his joy, his contentment, his comfort, his calm.

Without you he’d be nothing.

You should leave. You should run. You should leave.

You should change your name and flee the country because he would stop at nothing to prove himself to you again.

He needs you. You are the air he breathes and the blood in his veins. You are perfect, pure, angelic.

You are heaven on earth and he is a demon walking through the flesh world.

You deserved better. You needed better. You know you deserve better.

But you won’t leave him because you are too kind and loving, you are so sweet and caring. You won’t ever stop. You won’t let him hide. You won’t let him believe he is unloved. You won’t allow him to crawl into himself and go mute. You won’t allow him to let his mind go blank and his flesh move about on autopilot. You won’t allow him to convince himself that he is unworthy.

You won’t give up on him.

And that’s why he has to leave. Permanently. That’s the only way you’ll ever be truly happy and free. He won’t be there to feel the all consuming sorrow every fucking day. He won’t be there to make you watch him drown, suffer as he claws at the surface of the water. So fucking close to air and unable to reach it. So, when he gives up, he won’t drag you down and force you to wallow at the bottom of the lake of despair with him. He won’t suction the life out of you anymore.

He’s selfishly sponged up every drop of life you’ve given him and he knows you must be exhausted from the never ending battle of trying to make him feel human.

It’s better this way. Maybe you’ll meet in the next life and things will be different. Or maybe your soul will recognize his and urge you to escape as quickly as possible. Either way, in this life, Anakin is setting you free.

Because if you love something, you should let it go.

You should let him go.

Don’t cry for him when you find him, feel the sweet relief of all your pain having died with him.

After all, he did this for you.

[marshmallowprotection]

You’re really good at analyzing the characters so what are some common mischaracterizations or head canons people in the fandom have about the characters that you don’t like?

Common? Well, there are a lot of things little things that I don't care for when I see them, but I know most people feel the same. Yoosung has a huge one. I hate when people make cousin jokes at his expense and I scroll and block when I see people make them at this point. It's not funny, and you don't understand Yoosung as a person. You don't understand his grief and frankly, that's insulting because that's a big part of his character arc.

People belittle him and make him feel like a kid when he's twenty-one years old and coming into his own. He's not a baby, sure, he going to learn a lot in the future because there's so much he hasn't gotten the chance to experience, but lack of experience doesn't mean that he's not capable of standing on his own. Yes, compared to the other RFA members, he hasn't done a lot, but that doesn't mean he's not super accomplished. He was a stellar student, he worked hard to get to the place he is, and the only reason he's floundering is due to the grief in his heart.

Grief plays a huge role in his story and if you want to understand him, you need to know his grief. Set aside the fact that Rika's still alive. He doesn't know that and in most routes, he never does. She was so very important to him because Yoosung was a lonely person even though he was a popular kid who didn't have trouble making friends. He was lonely and you can tell he's lonely if you look hard enough to see it in your own eyes.

Actually, if you want my headcanon about him, I think Yoosung was an oops baby. I think his sister was much older than he is and due to that fact, he was never super close to her. Sure, his family is the most normal in the entire game, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have its own faults. His mother loves him, she does her best to take care of him, but it seems like his father is always rather busy at his job with the government. With a sister much older than him that he can't ever seem to relate to, and a mom who is trying her best but pushes him when he makes mistakes, and a father who isn't around all that much for him, it's got to be lonely.

Why else do you think he latched onto Rika when she came to speak to him? She saw him. She saw him and related to him. She was closer to his age and knew how to talk to him. It's no wonder Rika became a very important person in his life. She saw that he was lonely and that he needed others to root for him, and that's why she convinced him to stick around and join the RFA. Rika did care for Yoosung, she really wanted him him to do well in life back then, and pulling him into the RFA was the best thing Rika did for him because it gave him a place to have others to turn to for advice.

The RFA is a found family no matter what, and even though the RFA playfully bullies Yoosung sometimes, they're some of the only people who know the facets of who Yoosung is.

Zen isn't a narcissist and even if he was one, that's not a bad thing. However, I will say it's not a good look when folks shout that word and villainize personality disorders. Please, I implore people to do more research and be more mindful about how they speak about personality disorders, not just with narcissistic personality disorder, but BPD, OCD, etc.

He is overcompensating. When he is spouting compliments toward himself, it's because he's trying to convince himself that those words have power. Words do have power, let me tell you, and if you call yourself trash all the time, you are inevitably going to believe you are trash. 

I'm not saying you have to do what he's doing to build up your confidence, but I'm going to say that what he's doing can be quite helpful for people. You'll make a lot of progress if you're not trying to beat yourself down. The world isn't going to hold back its punches, so why in the world would you beat yourself down just to help the things that want to see you crumble? I know it's easier said than done, but it's good to be in the habit of not insulting yourself.

You don't have to compliment yourself, but don't call yourself trash. 

You know another thing about him that gets to me? It’s something he shares with Jumin that doesn’t get the conversation it needs. Both of them have more in common than they realize. They're both victims of sexual harassment, and one of the reasons why I love Zen Route has to do with the fact that they get to have a healthy conversation about their insecurities and what they've both experienced.

Jumin downplays his copious trauma all the time, but speaking with Zen is a way to front those demons with someone who won't mince words for his sake but will also be understanding and considerate at the same time. Jumin thinks he isn't allowed to complain to expend on his trauma because he's a man in a place of privilege. He thinks it isn't important in the grand scheme of things. He thinks he got lucky and others deserve far more sympathy than he does because they've not had as much fortune as he has.

Zen calls him on his shit for it. That's why I love when Zen and Jumin can truly begin to understand each other underneath their banter of "Zen hates Jumin because Jumin reminds him of his older brother in the worst way imaginable" and "Jumin lets Zen poke at him because it's fun to have debates and discussions with others and Zen doesn't hold back" and "Zen gets rightfully angry about how rich people can flaunt their wealth" and "Jumin doesn't even hate Zen, he just leans into what Zen expects because it's what Zen "wants.""

Zen and Jumin have a lot in common. Sure, some people understand that, but I think some of the little details get missed. It took me a long time to understand Jumin because he peeved me at first, but once I got to see who he is as a person, I realized that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, and that's a lesson we all know, but it's good to get it reinforced. You learn that in Zen's Route, and you can't shake it off when you get Jumin's Route when needs the same theory applied to it.

I just don't like it when put don't put weight on Jumin's trauma and entirely miss it when it's blatant.

Don't get me started on the bad ending. I don't like talking about his bad ending because people like to romanticize that relationship and call it canon. That's the problem for me. I also love indulging in Bad Endings myself, but I do not call them the good ending. My problem with Jumin’s BE is that there are people who claim the Bad Ending is healthy and fight to say that it’s a “better ending.”

Listen, my friend, if you want an ending with a relationship that has BDSM, you can have that. You can have that in the Good Ending. You do not have to get a Bad Ending to get it, you can write and imagine it in the Good Ending, and you can have the characters communicate consent and boundaries. You can imagine that and have it that way! I can't believe I have to say that! It is 100% okay to consume content for the Bad Ending and to create it.

But for the love of God, stop calling it a Good Ending and stop acting like it's healthy. Cheritz made a DLC for it because they knew people would pay for that. That's literally the only reason why that got made and I hate it. I hate that his trauma about his damn mother is hidden in a ending that emotionally destroys that man and you would never know anything about it unless you decided to play it. His mother is a piece of shit, by the way, but I'm sure most people know that by now.

All I want is for people to call the ending what it is and to tag it appropriately so I can avoid it. I don't want to consume anything for it and that's my choice. I'm not saying you can't enjoy it, please enjoy it if you want to enjoy it, but call it for what it is because I call all of the Bad Endings I consume Bad Endings for a reason.

I hate it when people say that Jaehee is bland. I hate it when people say that Jaehee is overbearing about Zen and then they bash her into the ground because she "gets in the way" of Zen/MC. I hate when I'm forced to see someone claim that Jaehee's route isn't romantic. Y'all do realize that Jaehee's route has the most realistic route, right? She isn't yet aware of her sexuality or her feelings toward other woman. It doesn't occur to her at first that her feelings for MC are romantic and it takes time for her to fall in love. She's not rushing this experience... she's indulging in it.

She wants to be your partner, your best friend, your closest person in the world first, and as you get closer, that's when you fall in love. She needs time to sort out her feelings, that's the kind of person she is. It takes her time to process her feelings. She's spent her entire life in a place where she's had to fight to earn her keep and look after herself. She went after a career field that would take care of her, and while it's great that she's good at being an assistant to Jumin, it's empty.

It doesn't make her happy. It gives her enough money to pay for all kinds of tickets to see Zen perform, sure, but it doesn't make her feel good about life. Jaehee's route is about someone who feels like they are trapped in a job that's killing them slowly because they don't think they can dream and try something risky because that risk might just be the thing that makes them happy and fulfilled.

I understand that people get frustrated when Zen gets to have hard conversations with Jaehee. I know that a lot of people would rather see the MC complete those visuals with Zen or do it themselves, but I think it’s important to understand why Zen is the one who talks to Jaehee about dreams and passion. Zen ran away from home to chase after his dream knowing it may not happen. It took him a while to get to the point he's at today, and not that many people are lucky when they chase after their dreams. He took a huge risk, which is very scary when you could take the easier path next to it, and to him, it was the risk worth taking.

Jaehee's afraid to take risks.

Having Zen, her idol, tell her to follow her passion, made a difference. On top of that, Saeyoung helped her, too. He could see that she was miserable and he offered to do that report for her so she wouldn't have to torture herself when she finally found something that put light in her eyes. Saeyoung, Zen, and MC are the real MVPs of that route.

While those two are doing their best, you’re doing the same work in the background. You are her confidant, the person who hears her, and the one who is there at the end of the day when all is said and done and she needs somebody to listen. 

That's how she starts to fall in love with you, and it's something she'll realize a little bit later after you two are working together to achieve a dream, and I think it's important to understand that. Your relationship builds from being friends to falling in love.

Yes, I understand there are jokes about them just being friends and this route being the platonic one, but I don't think people understand Mystic Messenger took a huge leap in 2016 by having a romanceable queer female route in the game. Progress is progress, and it's damn important to be happy when we have these milestones. I've seen so many other games come out after this leap was made and it's getting better with every new game that comes out that has male and female options. 

I know it can feel like such a minor thing after the fact, but little jumps are what make progress happen. Whether it's the wedding in Steven Universe that was fought by tooth and nail in 2018, or with Korrasami going canon in 2014, progress comes when we fight for it. Jaehee's route is one of those moments.

Pushing Cheritz for more gave us more romantic content in the game as well.

The Valentine’s DLC for Jaehee is much more blatant and even the Christmas DLC has its moment. Better yet, the birthday images over the years have become much more forthcoming in the fact that Jaehee and MC are in a relationship. You can be proud of the little things, and you can be proud of progress, because if you don't take a moment to appreciate the little things, it feels like the world is bleak and that's no way to live. 

I hate it when people misunderstand Saeyoung but that's something that's been fought over a lot over years so I don't think I need to say a lot about that. He is a multifaceted character and people limit him to being a silly guy. We all know where people go wrong with that at the end of the day and it's so much easier just to keep scrolling than it is to deal with someone who only wants to make him a joke. He isn't the butt of a joke. He's Saeyoung Choi.

However, I will say that I don't appreciate it when people don’t give him the same compassion as Saeran when it comes to his trauma. What I mean by that is I don’t see people talk about what Saeyoung suffered through because of Mother Choi—I don’t see a lot of talk about how Saeyoung was parentified and had to fight tooth and nail to take care of Saeran to the point where his identity became one in which his only reason for living was to take care of Saeran. People scratch the surface of this, but they don't get into the thick of it.

I don't see people talk about his feelings about his mother and how his parentification haunts him to this day. 

When people write (Secret Ending) Saeran to be an asshole. I have a lot of squicks about him fandom wise.

I have never enjoyed people writing him out to be cruel and vindictive but that is something people have done in the past, but fortunately enough, I haven't seen many people do it in the last year or so but it was a problem back in the day and it still irks me when I think about it. I get it, a lot of what we know about him has to be built on what we think as the player since there isn't information about him after his breakdown with his brother.

As fans, we had to build his personality ourselves and figure out his perspective. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to make some content for him, but I do hate it when people go out of their way to make him cruel. 

One of the reasons I wanted to start writing him in the first place was because every time I tried to read content for him, he would be such an asshole to Saeyoung. I get it. I know why people assume he would be that way, but he is baked in apathy and numbness. He does not have the energy to fight and made that abundantly clear in the end that he doesn’t have the strength to fight Saeyoung anymore. That's the main reason why he just stopped trying to... you know, get rid of himself.

His brother was never going to let him die. He accepted that he can't leave this world even if he wants to, so he's trying to make the best of what he has. He has the sky and he has ice cream, and that's pretty much all he has. 

He is sullen. He may not always be forthcoming or kind people, but he doesn't have the energy to be destructive anymore. It would take a lot to upset him. You would need to push every button in the book to get him to lash out. What's the point in lashing out at everyone when it doesn't solve anything? That's not to say he doesn't have moments where he can't see anything but the past and he lashes out because he's terrified, but that's different than actively choosing to be cruel to other people.

I don't think he has many people around him other than Saeyoung and MC. He doesn't know how to interact with other people and he doesn't particularly want to start at this point because he feels like it's too late. I also don't agree with the people who imply that he would be friends with the RFA. That is where I differ with a lot of people and I'm okay with that because that's just the way I imagine things to be and I don't try to force my opinion on others. 

It's nothing against the members of the RFA. I just don’t think he would want to be friends with them. Jumin and Yoosung especially. They were closest to Jihyun and Rika. It's not their fault they had that closeness with them, but because of that closeness, Saeran wouldn’t want to go near there.

Saeran killed Jihyun. We could argue up and down all day long if that was something he wanted to do when he raised that gun to defend himself thinking his brother was dead. But, he did do that even in the wrong state of mind and that's something he has to carry for the rest of his life. Jihyun was Jumin’s best friend. Saeran won't be able to look that man in the eye even if Jumin could look past it knowing the complexities of the situation.

Yoosung held Rika close after the events of the Secret Ending and shipped her off with Zen, don't get me started on how much I hate that because I write it out of anything I write with the Secret Ending. That never happens in my Secret Ending. Rika goes to jail to face the consequences of her crimes and gets some well-needed therapy for her own trauma that's been left to the wayside.

He wouldn't want to be around Zen or Jaehee, either. He stalked them for years. He put them through hell depending on the ending you're playing. He doesn't want to be around them and he doesn't want their "pity" friendship. Saeran knows they would be nice to him for Saeyoung's sake, and he doesn't want that. I get it, I love it when Saeran is friends with the RFA, but that isn't happening in the Secret Ending, I'm sorry. Your MC can be friends with them, but... I just can't say Saeran will.

It was actually a dream of mine to write a SE Saeran/Reader fic that had the characterization I wanted for years and I finally a few years ago because I said, "What the hell, people will read it if they want." If you want to see my take on SE Saeran, please, read my fic Iris, It will keep you busy for a while, it's 170k.

I've never been huge on Yooran in the context of SE Saeran/Yoosung because most of the basis is built around the Bad Ending and when I see content for them, I'm always wary of it because I know there's a subtle chance that the writer might make Saeran become an ass to everyone around him and treat Yoosung in ways I'm not going to even think about. You can write whatever you want, just tag it properly if it is an unhealthy dynamic, and back in the earlier days, there weren't a lot of warning tags so it really soured it for me given how I already felt about SE Saeran.

I do think the ship can be great when it is founded in Another Story, though. Yoosung admires Saeran and even admits to having a crush on him, and in this ending, hey, if you want to imagine Yoosung/MC/Saeran or Saeran/Yoosung post-Another Story? I would love to see it. Because, God, Yoosung treating VAE Ray and Saeran tenderly during fireworks because they're terrified of loud noises? Or, even better, I'm giddy at the thought of Yoosung and GE Saeran baking together in a French kitchen!

I have thoughts and feelings about Rika and V as well, but those don’t land most of the time for me because I have to consistently hammer home that I don’t condone what either of them did every time. Just because I try to understand their past and motivations doesn't mean I condone their bullshit. Motivation, Traumatic Backstory =/= excuses. There is no excuse for their actions and they need to face judgement for it. Hard to have a conversation about them because some people think I'm condoning or erasing their actions by trying to understand more about them as person.

So, I don't get too heavy into those two, but I will say that a lot of people don't understand Rika and V because they don't want to. I can't fault them for that, either.

I understand why most people would not want to touch them with a ten-foot pole. You are not being forced to learn more about them, why they are the way they are, or what brought them to the point in which they made their choices. If you never want to learn anything more about them, I can't blame you for that. But, if you want to talk about them in a larger capacity beyond "I hate them and I want them to go to face justice for this and that" (very valid take, by the way), it's important to understand their motivations, if nothing else. 

I think they are interesting characters and I want to understand more about them because looking at Jihyun is an uncomfortable mirror for me at times. It's helped me be a better person.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

NPD + BPD culture is holding yourself back from telling your FP all the horrible shit you wish upon a person you split black on/cut off bc oops normal people dont think being replaced is a crime punishable by death

(Aka: Old FP+EP of mine has been publicly posting about her being so close to becoming a actor while I'm just sitting over here getting so excited bc Hollywood is going to rip her to shreads b4 she even makes it to the big screen and I'm so excited to see her become a washed up nothing. Like yesssss girl go on! Go make your dreams a reality with your mediocre singing & acting skills, low charisma, unconventional looks, oversaturated job market, and no generational wealth/connections! I tots believe that you can do it!! <- actively manifesting her downfall)

.

[a-problematic-writer]

I want to talk at length about The Ocelots. So... [Under a Read More for your convenience]

First off, I'm a firm believer that Aiden and Lukas are exes. No, you cannot unconvince me. It cannot happen. They're exes. This much I know. Chill, Chill. You can interpret them however you want. I believe there was a mutual romantic bond there though. They were childhood friends who fell for each other!!!! And broke up because Aiden got jealous and broke everything off after Lukas spent some time helping Jesse. [Think Aiden had always seen himself as inferior to Jesse subconsciously or maybe even partially consciously] I think, for Lukas, he figured he and Aiden would live in his little cottage--away from [Aiden's] adoptive father. I firmly believe Aiden dropped the bag on that one. And that's when Lukas' disdain for Aiden, Maya, and Gill started. 'Cause Maya and Gill took Aiden's side. However, in their defense, Lukas HAD seemingly left to be with the new heroes [and did I mention he didn't come after them during the witherstorm? Oops.] It's a whole mess.

Lukas was there by choice. He didn't feel stuck there. It wasn't because they were the only friends he knew. He genuinely enjoyed them and was the same about the rivalry with Jesse's team. He thought the others were a bit overzealous and did shoot them down when it got bad [aka borderline bullying], but he's arrogant and he poked and prodded too. I like Lukas better as a flawed person. I don't like that his arrogant side isn't explored. Let him be nasty! Let him be flawed but ultimately at his core a kind person!!! Love that shit!!

Maya and Aiden are siblings. This is just a personal take. They've always screamed siblings to me. Aiden is Maya's adoptive older brother. Though, she'd never say he was adopted. In her eyes, he IS her brother. End of sentence. They are blood-related to her. Aiden feels the same. That's his little sister.

Gill is the new kid to the ocelots having taken Petra's place when she and Aiden had a falling out. [That falling out being over how jealous Aiden was over her hanging out with Jesse, Olivia, and Axel and picking on the trio in retaliation] He gives blacksmith's son to me. Was likely gonna take over for his mom when the time came. He may be new but he quickly clicked with everyone and though Aiden was the slowest to warm up [fighting with the fact he's technically replacing Petra his ex-best friend] he DOES see Gill as a good friend.

Aiden does care about his friends. Perhaps too much at times. Enough to get jealous, a lot. He's scared of losing them. Already knows he isn't enough. He wasn't for his bio parents or even his adoptive parents. He's got a MASSIVE superiority complex and RSD and mild BPD. He's a mess. But he does care. He just has a TIME going about it healthily. I believe he is someone who under it all is timid and surprisingly kind. I do NOT believe his behavior in episode five is how he's always acted. Why? Petra can help me with that one. She says, and I quote, "He seems different, scarier." Thus telling me that he's not usually like that. And I will die on this hill.

Alright, I've rambled incoherently for long enough be on your way now.

[windbreakes]

get to know the mun! repost, don’t reblog.

——— BASICS.

NICK NAME(S): nana, nams, namnams, nami, nimnuts, i have been amassing an army. i don't care what people choose and actively encourage nicknames!!

PRONOUNS: he/they/it, please alternate!

ZODIAC SIGN: sagittarius! fun fact my bday is the same as sako's :>

TAKEN OR SINGLE: shingle

ANYTHING ELSE?: i volunteer at a local apothecary and just grind up herbs every week...?

——— THREE SERIOUS FACTS.

i realized i had bpd because my roommate who got diagnosed started talking about her symptoms and it was like something clicked. i had an "oh, shit" moment and it's actually been really helpful in processing my emotions ever since!

i have early onset arthritis. ripe old age of twenty. and carpal tunnel probably

unsure what else i can put here... this is sort of basic but i'm a junior in uni right now and i really want to do a semester abroad and go to grad school. not in that order and unsure how financially that will play out but we'll see.

——— THREE RANDOM FACTS.

i have a dog named milk who is evil but i love her anyways; i also technically have a cat named beef who is the cutest cat in the world. i say "technically" because i don't live with my friend who owns him but i basically do. (beef is my godson)

i have the cilantro soap gene...?

i binged wind breaker in like a three days. i don't think a piece of media has affected me this much since haikyuu and that's saying something because haikyuu made me throw up

——— EXPERIENCE.

i've been rping for over a decade now i think...? i started really young (maybe not even 12 oops) on places like wattpad, skype, kik, google+, animal jam, etc. i don't really remember why i switched to tumblr rp but it was one of the best decisions of my life—— i've met so many of my close friends here!

that isn't to say i didn't have bad experiences though. oopsies

——— MUSE PREFERENCE.

LMFAOAOEWRIJAMSDFLDSFM I WRITE ANYONE AND EVERYONE IF YOU COULDN'T TELL. i rarely make single muse blogs—— the only time i really do so are for ocs—— and even if i make a single muse blog for a canon character, i guarantee you i write others from the same media somewhere. i am physically incapable of only writing one character.

i do think i generally go for muses who have bad home lives, who have several mental illnesses (either confirmed, coded, or projected), and most of the time kind of bad people. examples: endo yamato, sylvain jose gautier, childe tartaglia, among others. i look like a walking red flag and i'm so sorry about it.

——— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT.

FLUFF: i love fluff so so much! sometimes it's about the comfort and the happiness of it all... i'm always down for some feel good threads! however——

ANGST: —— i love to put my muses in situations. it is my favorite past time. call me a torturer the way i treat my muses because even though i love them they're always going through it cuz of me. i do love angst for angst's sake, but you will rarely see that from me because in the end i do need something to balance it out. it's always hurt and comfort with me!

SMUT: not on this blog, no, but i do write smut! i get embarrassed very easily though so it takes me a while to get to them. not my preference but if it happens, it happens.

——— PLOT / MEMES: i love love LOVE plotting!! i get so excited talking about how my muses would interact with others, it's why i may jump to respond to some things over others.

TAGGED BY: @cherriedrage !! thank you zag ♡ TAGGING: obligatory "if mari sparky and rain see this you have to do it" here; @prudenze; @taritsu; @timewounded; and anyone else who wants to!

[everythingwasnormalhere]

Stan Marsh headcanons?

first i love my main au stan because he's so !! and because he goes thru lots of changes as he grows up,,

Tw for alcoholism, depression, s/h, attempted sewerslide, hospitalization...its stan what did you expect

Most popular stan hc ever: he's an alcoholic. But like,,, till he's like, 12-13, he only drinks in the mornings so it helps him get through the day, like antidepressants but bad 💀

When he's 12-13 some people his age start drinking for fun, and so he sees it's socially ok so he starts doing it too

Yeah everything is way less shitty in the moment, but when he's sober it's even worse than before. Oops

Well anyway his friends don't really notice he's doing this, sure they're kinda concerned when they hang out and he's getting drunk, but yk,, typical Stan it's not that bad

This is an obvious one but he's depressed asf

And btw. All sp kids have gotten something misdiagnosed in their lives, like this is canon the medical system in that town sucks

So Stan has anxiety, but it was misdiagnosed as asthma (haha not me projecting)

He didn't get it diagnosed right until he was in his teens

But he doesn't have it anymore

He also has insomnia and BPD

The amount of times he's split on Kyle is insane

Anyway about his depression !!

It remained undiagnosed for a Long while

It got better and worse and better and worse and yeah you get it

On the worst episodes he would spend weeks not getting out of bed

At the beginning he'd say he's sick but at some point he gave up and stopped with excuses

His friends (Kyle mostly) would check on him but he wouldn't really talk to them much (on another episode of: stan giving up on life!)

Also he would spend time with the goth kids sometimes, mainly when he was at the worst points

The goths were kinda pissed he would leave them every time he felt better, but Stan's kinda their adopted kid lmao they have a soft spot for him<3

Welp anyway he starts s/h-ing at 11-12

At first it's not really noticeable but soon it gets worse

He covers it with wristbands but eventually the wristbands don't cover it all

And so, after his parents find out, at 13 he goes to the psych ward for the 1st time

It's only for a couple weeks, but it gets him to get so much worse

Nobody at school knows what he was doing for those weeks, besides Kyle because Stan went to him first thing after he got let out

Kyle is Worried. btw.

He gets hospitalized 2 more times after that

Once at 15 after he attempts

And another at 16, after a huge ass breakdown in which he asked his parents to take him there because he was scared of what he'd do otherwise

People in town only know about the one of when he was 15 (it was big news)

Besides Kyle and Kenny, Kyle because Stan tells him every time and Kenny because,,,he's Kenny he just Knows

After the 2nd hospitalization, he starts taking actual antidepressants

They don't do That Much but they still work better than nothing

Short after the 3rd time he goes to the psych ward, he finally manages to stop s/h

And slowly he stops covering his scars, as they're a reminder of how he's healing :)

Since he's 14, he starts bleaching his hair every few months

Now it's closer to straw than to hair but whatever issok

It's also incredibly greasy, so much it's insane

When it's really really bad he wears a dark blue beanie with some pins of obscure bands and some his friends gave him

His clothes are mostly black, and the ones that aren't are still alt

He wears eyeshadow all the time

And his parents don't allow him to get tattoos so he and his friends draw on himself instead

He's still in Crimson Dawn, he's the main singer and guitarist :)

His guitar is red and he takes so much care of it

The same can't be said about its case, that thing's fucked up

He's also the one who writes most songs, it's become kind of a coping mechanism for him<3

They're not famous, but they're not completely unknown either - they've played in some cities besides South Park, and they have a bunch of listeners on Spotify

They're the kind of band that almost nobody knows but the ones who do are the most loyal fans ever

"wHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW CD??? You gotta listen to them Right Now"

By the way Stan is late to every practice

The days when he's not arrived at least 10 minutes late are almost non-existent

Same for school

At school his worst subject is definitely math

(He probably has dyscalculia but he doesn't have it diagnosed)

He likes music best obviously

He's also pretty good at history and English

Btw he has a musicals phase for a year or two

His favorites are the historical ones, like Hamilton and Les Miserables

His family life isn't the best

He stays at Tedrigri farms on weekends, the rest of the time he spends it at his mother's

Shelly's kinda physically abusive still, but not as much as when they were kids

Btw he fucking hates staying at Tedigri so most nights he cycles to Kyle's or Kenny's instead

Fun fact he has a scar on his side from when he was 13

The m4 were jumping a fence to get to this one abandoned house (Butters was grounded)

And when it was Stan's turn he got cut with the fence and fell

That scar is huge and he's super insecure about it

Another fun fact he plays Brawl Stars

His favorite brawlers are Brock and Kit

And in general also the ones with attacks like Shelly's and Bull's

He's bisexual :) and ultimately broke up with Wendy when he was 16

(one of the things that triggered that huge breakdown btw)

He also had so many gender crisis, finally he decided he's just non-binary (he/him) because everything else was way too confusing

Aaaand i think that's it? Tell me what you think :D

[a-sip-of-milo]

”ocd is destigmatized!!” “bpd is distigmatized!!”

there are no destigmatized disorders. at all. all of them have stigma to them.

you have npd? oops, sorry, you’re an “abuser” now

ocd? you’re a “perfectionist!!”

adhd? lazy. depression? in a phase. anxiety? just worried.

let’s stop stigma together :)

yis

[teddykaczynski]

i really dont know what to do about a situation............ i cant figure out if ive lost interest in someone or the actual answer is that im mentally ill. or a third thing. but basically, more than a week ago im pretty sure i split on boysweetie. which is also the first time i can recall splitting on an irl romantic entanglement. other times i have, it was an online relationship. and its now become really hard for me to spend time around him. not all the time, there are times when i feel warm and fine and im enjoying myself but im much grumpier, irritable, impatient, just hard to be around and unpleasant. and i dont like how my behavior impacts him and i also dont like how it impacts myself, i hate knowing im acting this way it makes me feel so terrible that im so avoidant of that feeling that its enough for me to want to end it. but the split wasnt that long ago, so its possible ill feel less critical and harsh and more open and accepting soon. in which case it would suck to end things prematurely. but also, my grumpiness may not be bpd. every time its been really Bad it could also be blamed on being hangry or nicotine withdrawal. but but also, i do feel like the relationship wont... last.

reasons being: 1. personal differences, the fire and earth stuff. 2. i should find it and watch the interview but there was a john waters post i saw recently where he was saying in a relationship you never want to be the one that likes/loves the other person more since its the more vulnerable position and he said some other things too but thats stuck with me and i feel like ive often been the one who cared more. but im pretty sure he cares more. so on one hand thats flattering and a little exhilarating but it also makes me feel gulity and uncomfortable. uncomfortable because im like textbook anxious attachment and a whole part of my process is like... idk basically convincing the other person to love me. when theyre open and interested right away im like. well you know nothing about me so how do you know you like me. 3. he has bad breath. and i told him i think this. oops. its not a hygiene thing he brushes often but ive noticed it. and my mistake was telling him this right after i said i was thinking of canceling our sleepover and going back home. once we both calmed down he brushed his teeth again and asked if the smell was gone and it wasnt but what was i supposed to say? the truth? like. perhaps it was cowardly and wrong of me to lie but i had already really hurt his feelings. and as i was beginning to write this post in my head way before i got to this part it made me think of a seinfeld bit of like. george asking jerry whats the social etiquette for how many dates you need to go on with a woman before ending it after you insulted her appearance in a vulnerable moment. 4. hes in recovery for his weed addiction and im addicted to weed 5. i dont like being at his house because of his tim roommate 6. he straight up told me he would lose attraction to me if i began dressing feminine. so......

[bonefall]

can we have some random trivia for HeatherHareBreeze? Im weirdly attached to that ship now tbh

Behold. The thems. A summary of the Hare/Heather/Breeze polycule.

Something overlooked about canon is that Breezepaw begged Crowfeather to let him say goodbye "to his friends" and was shot down

So I have interpreted this to mean that Breeze is actually a total ride or die little fella for his buddies

That was the reason why so many WindClan cats were in the Dark Forest. He was the RINGLEADER

By the way-- I am writing Breezepelt with BPD in mind. Him, Cinderheart, and Squirrelflight. He often sorts people into broad, unhealthy categories-- BAD or GOOD

But anyway I could talk about BB!Breezy-P all day

Bottom line is, these three were TIGHT. They're the three warrior apprentices of Lake WindClan in Po3 and were always getting in trouble together

Heatherpaw got them into digging holes. Normal stupid teenager shit "let's make the deepest hole ever"

Harepaw got buried OOPS. Get tunnel'd idiot

Brushblaze was nearby enough to hear someone scream and helped pull Hare out

After three sets of teary eyes BEGGED him to not tell Onestar, he made them promise to come get him when they were digging deep enough that they couldn't dig back up.

He's an ex-solver from BloodClan and can help them make sure they don't make an unstable hole

Bottom line is, the three of them go back a very long time, but I don't imagine it was even romantic back then. It was Heather And The Boys.

The Dark Forest drove a wedge between Heather and the boys, as she quickly realized that they may not have started with bad intentions, but cats like Mudclaw, Tigerstar, and Hawkfrost were BAD news and they were going to drag them all down too.

It wasn't worth it. Training with a REAL tunneler was the bait to lure her in like Tunnelbun crumbs for a hunted bird.

The wedge between Heather and the Boys became a wedge between the Boys when they all got their Dishonor Titles. Harespring --Darkseeker-- was working to atone. This meant disavowing his training, focusing on how he could help people, and seeking the things he could learn in his own Clan.

Breezepelt --Dodderheart--, took that badly. How dare Darkseeker start pretending like there was something to disavow! Onestar sucks! Crowfeather sucks! StarClan sucks! He'll do whatever it takes to get power and change things around here, get the respect he wants, but Breezepelt didn't learn his lesson at all

Darkseeker lost his Dishonor Title first, back to Harespring. Rottenheart decided he wasn't his friend anymore, just like Heathertail.

Dodderheart: "Everyone hates me except Furzepelt and Sunstrike! I'll bet they're all sitting around plotting against me right now!!"

Harespring: "aw this tunnelbun has a grumpy face like breezepelt lol"

Heather: "lol"

And so, as soon as he learned The Kin was looking for any cats who felt like the Clans had wronged them, misfits and rejects, he brought himself and his two supporters there. BIG mistake.

Mistake he spends the rest of his life regretting

Heather rightfully calls him on this when she ends up joining the Kin to learn more about her brother Darktail. "This is all garbage you put in your head! Crowfeather is a dick, and so is my dad, but you shoved me, and Hare, and even your stupid half siblings or whatever into some ridiculous narrative about how evil and hated you are! We LOVE you, can't you see that?!"

"YOU'RE the one who's blind! I killed Firestar, I tried to kill them, and only now with Darktail am I finally-"

"Being used AGAIN. He's using you. Just like Tigerstar when he wanted to get rid of Firestar."

"...thats not true you're l-lying"

"You're always being used, Breezepelt."

"No I'm not! Darktail's my friend and my leader! He sees the value in me, he says I'm going to do a lot for him, and without me the Kin wouldn't..."

Heather stares, unimpressed, before shrugging, "I'll still be here when you realize it. Will he?"

In the big breakout, Harespring is there to secure a tunnel for them all to escape with

I think it makes a good idea that it was a backup plan Heather had all along, and Hare was entrusted with making sure it was done by this day. Just in case Darktail turned out to be the lunatic they expected him to be

Brushblaze is going to go out here, too, collapsing the tunnel so they can't be followed. It's a really good end for him.

When Breezepelt comes back to WindClan, it is on their grace. Hare and Heather are both vouching on their honor that they will he responsible for his actions.

I imagine Harespring looked Onestar in the eyes when he did this. FULLY expecting to have to defend himself for working on a secret tunnel, losing Brushblaze, possibly losing his deputyship for LITERALLY undermining

But... Heathertail was saved. Breezepelt looks bedraggled and humbled, unlike what happened just about a year ago. Brushblaze made the ultimate sacrifice. Now is not the time to discuss this.

AVOS is just about to hit its climax; where Onestar steals Breezepelt's plan to drown killing Darktail.

But anyway, enough of the plot of Better Bones AVOS. Fluffy trivia time

Harestar eats his tunnelbuns like a beast. He bites clean through them, Heather and Breeze are always screaming about this

Harespring's personality is very mild, level headed, and thoughtful. He moves slowly when he's not in a hurry.

He can be pushed around under stress though. He doesn't like being under pressure for that reason, and tries to minimize situations where he's put on the spot.

In Clanmew his name is "Hare Will-Jump Up", it's a hare that thinks before it leaps.

Breezepelt appreciates how Harespring will reword things for him, when they work on communication together.

If Hare worded something in a way that set Breeze off, Breeze can just ask what he meant and Hare will say it a different way

When Harespring becomes Harestar, I like to think there are cats in the Clan who feel like Breeze is only here because of his wife and husband. And maybe he is, what're you gonna do about it? Cry?

Heather has an honest, curious personality. She likes to be respected for her intelligence and insight, being a smart person is something she values about herself.

She is not easily tricked and can be cutting if she smells bullshit. She will be rude if she thinks you're lying to her.

"Did you eat, Breep?" "Ye-" "no you fucking didn't go get food"

I don't see her as "nurturing" like others think, she's a militant carer and outgoing about what she believes to be the right thing

She's definitely the head of one of the patrols, probably Construction.

When kits come through in TBC, Breeze is the primary parent. Villain to mom pipeline

He doesn't hold a high rank in WindClan because he spent the majority of his life Being Breezepelt, and is accepting that he probably never will

And that's okay because he's currently the loyal Kitchen Head of MeadowClan and the kits have just gotten back from the harrowing death of Honeysucklestar but it's lunchtime

"Honeysucklestar too, being a corpse doesn't make you stop being hungry. Come on, up up up" Woodkit jumps up from her deathbed

Turns out he's better at caring for others than he is at caring for himself

He doesn't feel like he deserves this. Like love and happiness isn't something he should have, after everything he did and the people who are not here because of him

Yet, he persists. He's still here and, somehow, people think he's worth saving.

And maybe that's what matters. Making life better from this point forward, for everyone. In the ways he can.