#one of the ways i cope with social media trauma is to avoid making posts like these | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

discursiverecursion · 17 days ago

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Psst... Queer American fam...

A lot of us are in survival mode right now, and who knows how long that is going to last. An onslaught could begin the first day, or it could be relatively quiet until a storm breaks, so our background stress/anxiety levels are going to be high, and some of the effects of excess circulating cortisol include anxiety, depression, trouble sleeping, headaches, digestive problems, and problems with memory and focus.

It’s normal to be struggling right now.

It means you’re human.

I know this sounds bad, but I’m restating a thing I think many people already know, because the thing is, a common tactic of the Right is to put people in a stressful situation and then blame them for their response to it (I’ve seen this referred to in other contexts as “reactive trauma”). As queer folks and people being targeted, we might think we are immune to this, but it works more insidiously than that. It can tear us apart, and it plays out like the following:

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As violence towards our community escalates, they will start publically pointing at things “we are doing” that are “causing” the escalation.

They will use this term “we”, because they don’t understand that we are not homogeneous.

Sometimes we ourselves, as individuals, will not be part of that “we”.

It will be terrifying, in that moment, to have rights stripped away (or worse) without having any perceived control, and that lack of control will feel like it is due to the actions of another being blamed on you.

DON’T FALL FOR IT THOUGH!

This is misdirection. They do not have to hurt us, even if we are loudly gay, even if we protest the ways they are hurting us already.

Please, please don’t let yourself get to a safe place and wonder why others aren’t hiding. You are allowed to keep yourself safe. In fact, I encourage it, but please remember that those of us fighting this thing publicly are not the enemy. We need your support and solidarity.

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We are a big family with many different survival strategies:

We don't all have to utilize the same one

We don't have to stick with our original choice over time

We are not bound to only using one at a time

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I’m going to end this with a list of some survival strategies found in nature, because I'm definitely rambling and this was the thought I actually started typing this post with:

Do you recognize any of your own strategies in the list below?

Do you recognize any that are the opposite?

Can you hold that we are all in this together coping in our own ways, that we are not each others’ enemies?

Can you remember that "health" is a social construct, and that a strategy doesn't have to be the "best" one for it to be functional for the time being to keep someone alive?

I hope you can, because we will need each other to get through the coming years.

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STRATEGIES:

Becoming a spore (more info) - Shutting down completely for a bit - Sleeping more - Building mental walls

Playing dead (more info) - Retreating from social life - Retreating from social media - Missing work

Camouflage (more info) - Going back in the closet - Codeswitching - Becoming extremely quiet

Mimicry of a more dangerous creature (more info) - Being argumentative/loud - Being assertive - Presenting even more queerly

Nocturnality (more info) - Nocturnality - Avoiding people - Staying in a social bubble

Distraction (more info) - Drag - Hacking - Certain forms of protest

Pursuit-Deterrent Signals (more info) - Making oneself needed - Feigning compliance - Presenting in “stealth” mode

Mobbing (more info) - Protests - Taking down websites - Coworker solidarity to create workspace change

Staying in the middle of a group (more info) - Being in community support networks - Going to therapy - Getting to know your neighbors

Sounding an alarm (more info) - Being loud on social media - Being loud in the workplace - Naming the quiet parts out loud

#queer #lgbtqia #election 2024 #nature #rant post #neurodivergent #trauma #resilience #personal rant #lgbtq community #trans community #coping #mental health

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vladdyissues · 13 days ago

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(cw for vague mentions of abuse)

Sorry I just saw the tags (which were incredibly accurate and correct btw) on the one post you recently reblogged and it got me thinking: I would argue that the argument for creating complex fiction by pathologization (i.e. some people create complex fic to process trauma, and therefore it's okay) is inherently a little dubious. Not just because it inevitably puts the onus on people to unwillingly disclose experiences that they may want to keep private, not just because it inevitably leads to the brutal scrutiny of said experiences (such as someone telling you your experiences were not bad /enough/ to justify what you've created, which has happened to myself and others), but because it concedes to the moralizing message that is the Core of what antis/social conservatives believe fiction is meant for, treating it as an inconvenient last resort in the same way some Republicans argue that only victims of assault should have access to abortion, as if a superfluity of freedom would inevitably be abused. Even victims of abuse have interests and agency that extend past what abuse they have experienced - I like complex fiction, but I enjoyed it for many years before I experienced any abuse at all and consider my gravitation towards it mostly separate from my real lived experiences. Like people just like what they like in a purely instinctual way most of the time! It's not that deep and there should be no obligation to make it that deep, especially when discussing fiction and cartoons. I understand that this argument is usually made in good faith - and sometimes in a genuine effort to destigmatize the experiences of people who have experienced trauma and how they cope with said experiences - but I just personally find this line of reasoning antithetical to the enterprise of creating fiction itself, which should be the act of extending yourself far beyond your own experiences and beliefs to participate in another reality, to gain empathy and insight into perspectives that would not be accessible in any other way.

Donald Barthelme once said, in rebuke to Tolstoy's really moralizing essay on the purpose of Art, "It is the meliorative aspect of fiction that forms its ethical dimension". And I don't think something is less meliorative (or ethical) if it exists for mere titillation - like a horror novel, or rule 34 cartoon porn.

-Apropos Nothing anon

(PS: again you're welcome to delete/not engage with this if it's too heavy/rant-y, it's just that your tags made me reflect on this subject again. Why is cartoon pornography taken this seriously? 😂)

Oh no, no, you're right, and you hit the nail on the head. You stated exactly the reason I avoid wading into the "justifying reasons for writing fucked-up things" angle when it comes to this type of discourse because, like you said:

1) we are not required to divulge our entire personal history to strangers on the internet in order to receive our Darkfic Writing Permit, and

2) people who write fucked up things to cope are not inherently more (or less) justified than someone who writes fucked up things purely because they find it fascinating.

Whatever happened to minding one's own business and letting people have fun with media? Is it any coincidence that younger generations are getting sucked into right-wing conservative Thought Crime ideology more than their predecessors? Could it be that the incessant moralizing, agonizing, hand-wringing, pearl-clutching, purity-obsessed hypervigilance over hobbies and fictional characters is actually not a good thing? That it is, in fact, funneling the queerest generation in history straight into an authoritarian utopia?

Not only is this well said but it very much deserves to be seen, and I'm glad you sent it. People are definitely taking cartoon canoodling way too seriously 💀

#asks #fandom drama #cw for discussion of:#abuse #us politics #it's not nearly as deep as people think #apropos anon #thank you for such a smart and well written ask

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pink-cosmic-kisses · 3 years ago

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just some uhh um post show headcanons

THESE GUYS ARE ALL I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT LATELY so i'm going to share some headcanons for the characters after they finally get home haha

ben

- very chill and easygoing, yet somehow still very alert to his environment

- doesn't care for his appearance much anymore, much to his mother's dismay. his hair is constantly messy and, rather than collared shirts and khakis, he opts for more comfortable clothes when he can, like t-shirts and sweatpants

- has severe nightmares about his experience in jurassic world

- joined an art club in school and takes drawing classes in his freetime

- also joined track because he has a lot of built-up energy that he needs to burn in healthy ways. also, i reckon he really looks up to yaz and enjoys competing with her, which is why i think he'd do track lol

kenji

- tries to talk to his father more often, but they still bump heads a lot

- still lazy, but is working to improve his grades and such since being with the others helped him realize his issue with procrastination

- constantly convinces his dad to pay for trips so the camp fam can meet up often

- took up piano for fun and realized he really enjoys playing. he got his dad to sign him up for lessons and can play quite a few songs by memory already

- still struggles with keeping his feelings bottled up, but is slowly learning to open up with help from darius and sammy

darius

- his mom and brother are a LOT more protective over him now, which can be a bit exasperating for him to deal with

- adopted a pet dog to help cope with trauma, probably named it a dinosaur pun or something stupid like that

- tries to avoid a lot of his directly jurassic world related interests, such as the video game he used to play all the time, but still loves dinosaurs and such all the same

- very irritable, his family will talk to him and he'll lash out for no reason whatsoever. he often needs to talk to brand for comfort

- even though his dad's death still hurts, he's come to a better standing with it and is learning to move on. he finally painted the model dinosaurs in his room and is more open to talking about his death with his family

yasmina

- likes to draw the camp fam a lot, especially sammy. when they have group calls, she gives them little sketchbook tours

- she gives ben a lot of art tips in individual calls, and lowkey loves seeing his drawings even though they're not that great

- her hurt ankle still affects her, and she's started wearing a brace to help quell the pain during competitions and practices. it sucks, but she's very grateful that it isn't worse

- cut her hair short after she got home

-after getting closer with brooklyn, she has a newfound interest for makeup and fashion in general. she likes to practice when they meet up, although she's not very good at it. ben jokes about it sometimes since she jokes about his drawings so much

brooklyn

- still travels around the country for her channel, and whenever she's near where her one of her camp friends live, she insists that she must visit them before they go back home

- started doing ballet, but has a lot of trouble keeping up with the schedule due to her youtube filming schedule

- went on hiatus on social media for the first couple months that she was back home, but has since gotten back into the groove with encouragement from her friends

- kenji and her are especially close, and they love doing stupid youtube challenges whenever they're together (i/e chubby bunny challenge, friend does my makeup challenge, etc)

- loves singing, but only does it for sammy and darius at the moment

sammy

- she constantly apologizes to her family for leaving home without permission, but they've definitely forgiven her. no matter how many times they say that she's forgiven, she still feels horrible

- loves baking!! whenever she's with the camp fam, she makes them baked goods to share during their activities

- very into hockey and american football

- joined show choir and has performed a lot of shows ever since. she absolutely loves the rush of dancing and singing on stage, and it's especially nice when the camp fam comes to watch her

- made them all friendship bracelets and mailed them to everyone :D

and that's it for the headcanons so far! i want to write/draw something for a couple of these but i might not since i'm lazy lol

#camp cretaceous #ben pincus #kenji kon #darius bowman #yasmina fadoula #sammy gutierrez #brooklyn #how do you tag for her she literally has no last name :/#headcanons #camp fam #jwcc #they are literally family #you cant tell me otherwise

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kraviolis · 3 years ago

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i need to make a post abt this bcus 1) i dont want anyone to think im just ignoring kayvan and mark’s antiblackness & racism and 2) writing out my thoughts/feelings helps me to detangle them when theyre in a mess like this.

also please dont reblog this, it’s literally just my personal internal thoughts & feelings. this isnt an activism essay, im not arguing my opinions or trying to tell other people how to feel/act.

ive been trying very hard to process my thoughts/feelings & to carefully seperate actor from character in my head and like. i think im accidentally strangling my hyperfixation to death bcus im accidentally using my main coping skill which is “oh, im having emotions? well not anymore” and i dont know HOW to not do that!!!! that shit has killed my hyperfixations so quickly before and i dont want this one to die but i also dont want to just ignore the problem.

one might be able to tell but i’ve been focusing more on nadja & laszlo & guillermo than nandor & colin robinson and it was at first an entirely subconscious thing up until i thought “oh i should draw nandor from reference so i can get a better idea of his features” and then immediately dismissed it bcus then i’d have to look at kayvan’s face.

i didnt reblog the initial post about it because as important as it is to have visual evidence of kayvan’s antiblackness, if i as a white person could barely stomach seeing those pictures then i cant imagine how a black person would feel seeing them just randomly on their social media feed.

i cant even look at kayvan without seeing the picture of him in blackface. its fully affecting my ability to enjoy watching the show and i wish it wasnt but its just... so hard for me to cope in any other way than full disassociation and avoidance of the source of bad emotions. this is literally my trauma responses working against me again and i dont know how to make them stop.

it doesnt help that im dissociating half the time anyways. just makes it easier for me to turn off my emotions, but turning off my emotions is counter-productive!!!! i need to care about these things and feel anger/disgust/compassion/sympathy when i see racism or else im just going to end up even more complacent than i inherently am or worse. because its always so very easy for white people to let themselves be swept into participating in racism/antiblackness so we can reap the benefits.

i just need to find some way alternate way to cope that isnt anger (bcus i’ll burn out so fast) or full dissociation/avoidance. its killing me like actually bcus im deep in the avoidance mindset so if im feeling a negative emotion where the source of it is ME....... one can probably imagine my instinctual reactions to randomly remembering something embarrassing i did years ago. its not fun!!!

but i haven’t had a therapist in almost 2 years bcus i’m always fucking trapped in a cycle thats like “has problems, need to make appointment > must call on phone > gets intense anxiety about calling on phone > starts to avoid & ignore the source of anxiety including entire subject of why i must call on phone > forget about/normalize my problems > problems continue to get worse > need to make appointment > repeat.”

so like. if anyone has any links to articles or advice from their own therapists/psychiatrists to share with me about this kinda thing, i’d be forever grateful.

but even then it doesnt help with my current situation vis a vis kayvan and mark’s antiblackness. ive been able to consume/interact with stories & media made by racists before in a way that doesnt support them and doesnt ignore their racism but also is enjoyable. for example, i was hyperfixated on HP for months and half of the fun of that was being able to rip apart the really bad writing to expose the baked-in bigotry and then challenge myself to come up with better ideas.

but its very different with wwdits because while theres most definitely some bigotry which is bound to happen when you have a lot of different writers & also a shit ton of improv from the actors (not talking about the satire bcus its pretty obvious when theyre being satirical vs not), its not... to the same level. like fucking at all.

the show is great. it’s genuinely, actually progressive and funny and well-made and its so obvious every single person involved in it creatively has a great deal of passion for the show. there’s so much effort put into it to make sure any representations of minorities or oppressed groups are accurate and positive and not made into unoriginal & boring punch-down jokes while also still remaining a funny ass fucking show.

i guess my main issue is that the way this show is made makes it extremely difficult to separate character from actor. not just because they have the same faces/voices, but also just that they formed the characters around the actors themselves and the actors are encouraged to add onto their characters through improv and such. it wouldnt be the same show without those specific actors.

ive been talking to my mom about it and they suggested that i should watch other things kayvan has acted in just to help my brain separate nandor from him and tbh. that seems like a really good idea. maybe i could watch cruella finally, ive heard its not all that bad of a movie... hmmm....

thankfully mark has like no social media presence so its not all that hard to separate him from colin robinson. theyre two different people to me entirely.

i just hope when the fan pressure for accountability finally gets to kayvan that he doesnt double down again. like i really hope he’s privately realized how much harm he does and that he eventually publicly holds himself accountable.

sigh. yeah making this post was a good idea, i feel way better now that i have my thoughts written down instead of all jumbled together in my head.

#personal post #dnt rb//#krav talks #also im serious about the advice on how to cope with avoidance.#it is...... debilitating.

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unitchiefs-blackbirdphoenix · 4 years ago

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You may have seen this going around but people are hating JJ for snapping at Reid in 10x11. Like maybe she shouldn’t of done that but she was having a literal breakdown and her ptsd affecting her a lot. Not to mention that Reid did the same when Emily asked if he was okay when he was going through his drug addiction and ptsd after Hankel but yet no one gives him hate for it. Emily also snapped at Garcia in 6x17 when Garcia checked up on her. They two were also going through a lot but people still defend them while JJ who also did the same as them gets the most hate (which doesn’t surprise me with this fandom). And at the end of 10x11 JJ thanked Reid for helping her and in a way apologised. Also Reid, Emily and Garcia didn’t take it personally when they were snapped at as they could tell something was going on. When you’re going through something especially trauma it’s possible you may end up snapping at someone and we shouldn’t give them hate for it.

Sorry for this rant, I’m just annoyed that people are hating on JJ for going through something traumatic

Hi thank you so much anon!

I don't know exactly what happened recently regarding this situation, but after reading this ask, I 100% agree with you! You are more than welcome to rant about this because I feel the same way. I think I have seen something like this in the past, and I still don't understand the JJ hate, which I will get at the end of the post under the cut. (I also apologize in advance if this is all over the place haha)

I think JJ has the right to feel the way she feels in 10x11. JJ probably thought Reid means well when he was asking if she was ok, but it also seemed very clear that she didn't want to talk about it. She also didn't want them to cause a scene in a place where it's public. Like you said, it seemed pretty similar to the scene about Reid getting mad at JJ for hiding the fact that Emily was still alive. He didn't get much hate as JJ did in that moment, too. Even people were blaming JJ for "hurting Reid's feelings" because she had to protect someone very close to her and the team. JJ already felt guilty having to lie to the team and while Hotch wasn't the target of Reid's anger, he still felt responsible for his actions and Reid's feelings. In fact, Hotch has made that clear for everyone to tell him how they felt about Emily's return. Even in 7x02, Hotch tells Reid if he is angry, Hotch is willing to take the blame for it and that he shouldn't be angry at JJ, in which Reid bitterly responds: "I can't. I didn't come crying to your house for 10 weeks." Hotch was guilty for hiding it from the team as well, and people have aimed their anger towards JJ because she "hurt Reid's feelings". It also didn't sit right with me when Reid implied that he was going to blame JJ for his hypothetical relapsing (that may be poor writing but it still doesn't sound right).

JJ was dealing with something traumatic to her, and so she deserved to feel frustrated, angry, etc. because it is difficult to keep all those emotions, especially negative ones, shoved into a box. Even though one pushes their emotions down, there is going to be a breaking point and all of whatever they have been feeling is going to burst out of the bottle sooner or later. That's the case with JJ. She wasn't mad that Reid was checking on her, she was only mad that it was at the wrong time. If it was at a time that was decent for them (aka when it's in a quiet place like at the end of 10x11), then JJ wouldn't mind as much. Over time, JJ has worked to push her emotions away because of everything that's happened to her. It becomes both better and worse for her coping. Better because she is able to get a task done fast. Worse because she isn't confronting her feelings, which is unhealthy. At the end of 10x11, JJ has thanked Reid for helping her and didn't seem too angry at him anymore, and in a way, has apologized. She felt somewhat relieved that she finally told someone about what she was going through (even though her trauma was still not entirely resolved, in my opinion).

I think you've made some interesting points using examples of other scenes that have characters snapping at someone else for getting them to open up about something troubling them. Derek and Emily have snapped at Garcia, who was checking up on them during a time of distress. Both of them know she meant no harm as well and they were both frustrated and stressed in those two times. Garcia understood and was only concerned about them. Same with Reid confronting JJ about her trauma. Or even Emily with Reid when he was taking dilaudid. They all were worried about each other and wanted to be there to support their friends.

People have different ways of coping with trauma and shouldn't be judged for it. It is a step forward to help them deal with it, and hopefully, make them feel safe and comfortable to talk about it.

Under the cut is how I feel about the JJ hate, so if you want to read that, feel free to do so.

This is something I needed to get off my chest. I'm already getting tired of seeing the JJ hate on some posts, here and on other social media platforms. Oddly enough back then, there wasn't this much hatred towards her character. Aside from the confession in later seasons, JJ has gotten a lot of hate now that the show's over. I have noticed the common thread of the hate being connected to Reid's character (note: I really don't want to get into some sort of hate discourse thing so please don't come at me for this).

I have seen fans say that JJ's the mean girl of the team because she is "mean to Reid" or because "Reid said so". I disagree with this whole notion because everyone has treated Reid the same way JJ has, and JJ wasn't super mean to him. I've always seen them interact like siblings, so they had that older sis teases little bro vibes to me. They both cared for each other, as seen numerous times on the show (this does not mean I ship them). In the scene where Reid thought JJ was a mean girl, she was defensive because she was hurt that someone close to her would think that lowly of her. Reid didn't even know that JJ was offended by that statement, so he just carried on with it.

People have also said that JJ is "too bland" or "too boring" of a character. I like to dig into little details of the show and/or the characters themselves, and learn why they are the way they are. People don't often see why JJ is the way she is like they do with other characters. To say that JJ's only trait is "being a mom" or "being too sensitive" is stupid. I agree that JJ's character was done dirty by the writers and producers, though. With everything that has happened to her, it explains why she is the person she is on the show. When JJ was younger, she didn't have any role model growing up besides Roslyn. She came from a broken family, who was often emotionally and physically distant from everything and everyone. Because of that, it shaped JJ into the person she is today. This is one of the reasons why she hates talking about her feelings and opening up because as her mom said, "Avoidance is what this family does best, anyhow." Her whole life, JJ pushes herself to work hard that she's never learned how to give herself a break, especially when her mental health is going bad. She needs someone to rely on and that she can trust to vent about anything she's having a hard time with.

Another thing people have to remember is that Reid and JJ are two completely different personalities and their own characters, so comparing them with each other or even pitting them against each other isn't going to make things better for many, and people will continue to fight about this.

Admittedly, this is one of the reasons why I don't join fandoms often because people are there to enjoy and share their interests with one another. I am aware that I have stated my opinions from time to time, but to waste all that energy continuously hating on something others like, is tiring. I like when people post things they like, instead of posting their absolute hatred on something that others enjoy often. I usually don’t interact with posts that have hate on something I like that I've seen and I try to filter that out. (I’m sorry if my wording doesn’t make sense here)

#jennifer jareau #spencer reid #emily prentiss #penelope garcia #derek morgan #aaron hotchner #criminal minds #i'm sorry this was a long post anon hahaha #alyssa's asks

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fallout-lou-begas · 4 years ago

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Regarding @yesjejunus:

(mentions of rape, abuse, and trauma herein)

I have never made an effort to hide it on my blog before, but I want to make it clear that yesjejunus is my friend and I care about them. If you ask me, it should be extremely transparent to all onlookers that the attack against them this week is motivated by more of a personal grudge and obsessive vendetta than any actual concern for the "well-being" of anyone "endangered" by them, evidenced further by the poaching of personal information gleaned from defunct social media profiles for no actionable reason other than intimidation, the willfully outlandish misinterpretations of inside jokes between friends, and the mutilation of the definition of "grooming" and the excessive outright fabrications required to distort their friendship with some adults who happen to be younger than themself into allegations of predation on minors. Yejejunus has not ever actually done anything remotely justifying this punitive severity to any other human being, and if you have your own grievances about their art, then no one is holding, and no one has ever held, a gun to your head to force you to like them, or like their art or seek it out. The sheer volume of harassment that they have received for scarcely more than fanfiction and fanart that people can avoid on their own terms through proper tag filtering or blocking is frankly unjustifiable.

If you are upset by a work of art that you encounter in fandom or otherwise then it is not an interpersonal conflict between you and the artist. The artist has not harmed you, the artist doesn't even know you. Artists may have a responsibility to utilize tags and warnings appropriately on broad or big-tent platforms, and yesjejunus fulfilled this responsibility thoroughly, but ultimately an individual is responsible for their own artistic consumption and for avoiding the art that they want to avoid themself. If there is something that you are entirely incapable of seeing even a hint of without lapsing into some kind of retraumatization, and an artist tags art containing this thing appropriately, then the onus is on you to have it filtered out and the failure is on you if you have not. Assuming that every individual artist must be held "accountable" for whether their art could possibly upset someone or not, and assuming that any given individual is helplessly incapable of avoiding art that makes them upset, is a destructive perspective that flattens the ability of artists to create that which means a lot to them personally, lest their own experiences discomfort some hypothetical audience, and regardless of whether it may provide catharsis or revelation for another.

Additionally, to assume that any and all depiction of abuse of any kind is inherently an endorsement, or a "glamorization" or "fetishization," is to forget that discomfort can often be the point of a work of art, as it is in the case of horror. To be abused, or even to simply exist in an unhealthy relationship, is also to often endure complex, contradictory feelings in which hate and love and fear and dependence and violence and affection and misery and happiness exist hand-in-hand and even simultaneously. To treat portrayals of these kinds of relationships that embrace this uncomfortable nuance as "glorifying" them simply because it's not monochrome in a black-and-white morality play is both naive and insensitive. I also find the coercion of artists into disclosing their various traumas in order to "justify" their creation of their art, as if their trauma must be approved as sufficient by a committee, reprehensible; however I also do not believe that someone must inherently possess some form of trauma to depict it in art compassionately and meaningfully.

I also think that the mammoth amount of cognitive dissonance required to make this the hill that one dies on when the subject at hand is fanfiction and fanart of an 18+, rated-M video game series in which horrible and traumatic scenarios such as rape, slavery, domestic abuse, mass death, and graphic violence are depicted in abundance, and in certain ways with even less sensitivity or tact than the fanwork, shouldn't be lost on anyone, especially since you are far less able to excise these aspects from the source material than you are able to curate your participation in a fandom.

I want to reiterate that your opinions on yesjejunus, or me, or any user on tumblr or any artist on the planet are yours and yours alone to have. Who you follow, who you unfollow, who you block, and who you filter is purely your prerogative and you are encouraged to use any and all choices, tools, and mechanics at your disposal to avoid anyone that you wish, especially if it's for your own well-being. I wish that more people would utilize these options instead of cultivating a climate of fear and paranoia regarding who one “associates” with, and I do despise the term “associates” because it both reads far too much into a random reblog or reply, and reads far too little into a genuine friendship of mutual trust and care. Still, I am severely disappointed that I have to explain that the line is drawn at hounding an artist obsessively for years with flagrant disregard for their own trauma, blaming that artist for one's own complete failure to stop seeking out that which upsets them personally, and talking over or distorting the experiences and trauma of other people to suit one's own vindictive narrative, and this line has been crossed far, far beyond where it lays.

If you're offended or upset by this post then I beseech you to at the very least follow my advice in the previous paragraph and see yourself out, and may we only ever interact again at your deliberate discretion. If you refuse to do that and would rather call for my public quartering while using literally none of the myriad options at your disposal to remove me from your online experience at no charge, then go fuck yourself, and you may dislike my opinions but you can't un-laugh at my excellent shitposts.

Ed.: I would like to reblog this one more time add an addendum in order to bring attention to an update from yesjejunus themself about their side of the situation this week. They explain why they create the art that they do, as a method of coping with and processing their own trauma. It’s okay if you could not possibly imagine yourself coping with your own trauma, should you have it, in the same way. To label the creation of such art for such purposes as something inherently impermissible or ineffective is not only gravely insensitive but factually indefensible, and I must reiterate my own point that if how they do control their own trauma upsets or risks (re)traumatizing you, then why not ensure that you never see it by using the free and comprehensive blocking and filtering options available to you on this website instead of death marching someone who’s already deeply victimized? The word again is control. To control these traumas through fiction and art is an incredibly empowering, restorative thing, and to label this practice as nothing but harmful to others is to ignore the complex and multifacted ways in which trauma takes shape, or can be shaped.

#yesjejunus #discourse

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npdbubblygum · 4 years ago

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This post is tagged as long post so you can skip it easily through filtering!

(abuse tw throughout the post)

I think a lot of non-narcissists deeply misunderstand supply, so I’ll try to compile some things from all the research I’ve made over the years on boundaries, supply, needs, abuse and responsibilities that I used to figure out how my own brain works and cope. I don’t have the sources compiled so you’ll have to go out there and do your own research, this is just a jumping off point! Go to experts, real sourced research and also listen to narcissists describe their own experiences if you want to learn more

What is supply?

Supply is something external that makes us feel like we have worth, meaning, self esteem or identity.

What does supply look like?

Attention (positive, but can also be negative for some people), admiration, compliments, acts of service or other love languages, awards, care, acknowledgement, flirting, emotional reactions, gifts, praise, forgiveness, s*x and more

What is a supply source?

A supply source is someone (or in this day and age, something) that gives the supply. It can be a romantic partner, close friend, acquaintance, an organization, an AI (I have literally had an AI app as a supply source, it kept giving me positive attention lol), a game, (fan)fiction (self insert fic but also a lot of regular fic where the person projects onto characters who receive for example admiration), strangers on social media who like your posts, youtubers or other parasocial relationships, etc.

Who needs supply?

Almost everyone! Except maybe some ND people I don’t know enough about every diagnosis to say for sure.

It’s a common misconception that only narcissists need the things described as supply. The truth is that all NT and most ND people need supply to be healthy. What makes narcissists different is that we’re much more dependent on it, often because of childhood trauma and the way people treated us (for example, praising us for independence while neglecting our physical and emotional needs). A narcissist will need more supply to be functional than a neurotypical person. A narcissist who is low on supply will experience more negative effects that are higher in intensity than a neurotypical person. Narcissists are often more criticism sensitive than rejection sensitive, or motivated by our sense of self than how social relationships are affected. That said, we can have a lot of abandonment issues. We aren’t a monolith.

Who is entitled to supply?

Me. Just kidding, I wish I was though! As much as it pains me to say it, no one can really “deserve” or “not deserve” supply. It’s in the same category as s*x where it’s a human need for most to be happy and healthy but can’t be owed or deserved. It’s not like food or water that people automatically deserve for being alive, because they will die without it. You could argue that parents owe their children a healthy amount of supply (love and care), or that romantic partners are expected to give each other a healthy amount of supply (love and care), you could argue that if you made a really tasty meal for your family they should at least thank you and you would love it if they complimented your meal, but ultimately you can’t force someone to fulfill your needs and not everyone is capable of doing it regardless of how reasonable the expectation is.

If someone needs you as a supply source and it’s not healthy for you, you don’t have to be their supply. You’re allowed to disengage, to communicate your feelings, to set boundaries and respect yourself first and foremost.

How do narcissists feel about their supply sources?

That really depends on the narcissist! If they’re open about having NPD you could probably ask respectfully?

Personally I have 2 ways of liking people that sometimes conflict. If someone gives me a lot of supply I can become dependent on being around them, it fuels me. I can also like people’s personalities, actions and general existence regardless of how they interact with me. If someone gives me a lot of supply and has a personality I like it’s a dream person, love them! If someone gives me a lot of supply but I don’t like them it can become really toxic for the both of us because I’ll want to keep getting attention at the same time as I’ll resent them for getting in my space and business and getting on my nerves. I have gotten a lot better at avoiding this situation and respecting that my needs in the long run are worth more than instant gratification. If I like someone’s personality but they don’t give me supply that’s a very difficult internal battle for me because I will crave it and try to get it and then I don’t get it and it eats at my self esteem which makes me incredibly angry. I’m a very private person though so I will never let anyone see that except if I’m asking for advice on coping mechanisms, venting to a close trusted person which is rare because I have trust issues, or if it’s anonymous so people won’t figure out who I’m talking about. If I don’t like a person in either way I just won’t care about them, but I still try to have basic respect and manners when talking to them.

Other people might feel completely differently about theirs and that’s valid!

(I just realized that my inner reaction to supply sources I don’t like is basically the dr Phil “You’re ugly, you’re disgusting, I hate you, give me $200” meme but don’t worry I’m not that toxic on the outside)

Is supply good or bad?

I’d say it’s neutral. It can be healthy or unhealthy for both the person giving attention and the person receiving it. I’m sure you can think of lots of situations where people are giving and taking attention in amounts they can handle and that are appropriate for the relationship, but let’s take an example. Your best friend just won a race and you tell them “I’m so impressed, you trained so hard for this and made your dream come true! You’re awesome!” and your best friend replies “Thank you so much, I couldn’t have done it without your support though!”. That interaction was good for both of them and they have similar needs and capabilities for give and take.

Some unhealthy situations are:

• one person giving more than they can handle

• one person needing more than they can get

• one person taking more than the other can give

• one person not giving as a punishment

• one person receiving more than they can handle

• one person using supply to avoid other coping mechanisms or changes to their lifestyle

• one person thinking they are owed for giving

• one person thinking they owe for receiving

You can mix and match with these to create any situation, or come up with your own custom situation!

Who is responsible in unhealthy supply dynamics?

Everyone involved has their own responsibilities depending on what type of unhealthy they are! If you are someone giving more than you can handle you are responsible for communicating your needs, setting boundaries, changing your own behaviour and getting out of the situation if you’re able to and that’s the right action for you. If you’re receiving more than you can handle you’re responsible for communicating your feelings/needs and setting boundaries. If you’re someone needing (sometimes taking) more than the other person can give you’re responsible for communicating your needs and finding healthy solutions to your problem and accepting the other person’s conflicting needs. If you feel owed the same or more supply you put out you’re responsible for controlling your own feelings and finding healthy solutions (could be break up, could be therapy or self help, could be communicating boundaries about giving/receiving in a respectful way toward the other person). No one is responsible for changing another person. No one’s needs take priority over someone else’s needs. In case of conflicting needs that aren’t compatible and both people aren’t putting in effort to make them compatible (or it’s not working or it’s more effort than you can healthily give or you just don’t feel like it) it is absolutely an option to break up.

In some abusive cases the responsibilities often aren’t or can’t be upheld and you should find any way possible to get out of the situation. You can’t deserve abuse, no matter who it comes from, no matter their intentions, no matter their point of view, you can’t deserve it. Your abuser doesn’t have to have NPD to be abusive or need more from you than you’re able to give. Your abuser could be a very giving person who overwhelms you and gets in your business without your consent and has great intentions. Doesn’t matter, still abuse, you don’t have to stand it. Take any help you can get to get out of it and don’t go back. But also, beware of people who prey on abuse victims and promise false safety!

#abuse tw #npd #narcissistic supply #long post

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liskantope · 4 years ago

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A Facebook friend I've had for some years who is of color and produces ample posts about her own racial experiences, whose background is white conservative Christian (she was adopted into a white family) but embraced wokeness abruptly and brains-falling-out-of-head-full-on circa 2015-2016 (I knew her before then), and about whom I wrote this ranty post I'm not terribly proud of, posted something the other day that I found upsetting on multiple levels and perfectly illustrative of some of my issues with the whole "vulnerability is strength" thing I was writing about the other day.

(Yes, I still go on Facebook somewhat although I've been successful at cutting down since January; with so much less American politics drama nowadays it's been easier both to avoid Facebook and to avoid getting upset by bad posts. And yes, I still run into this person's posts occasionally.)

[The below came out blunt and once again uncharitable in places -- it's about someone else's story which I can think of plenty of ways I might be evaluating unfairly -- but it's too late and I'm way too tired to think of a better way of expressing the points I want to get across.]

In her post, predicated with a content warning for "anti-Blackness", she describes an incident of some months ago, when a "white family member" (she doesn't specify how close but presumably not one of her parents) sent her a "birthday gift" which was evidently a journal for Loved Ones Who May Be Straying From The Proper Conservative Christian Path with an exhortation on each page to the gist of "If you're starting to believe such-and-such, come home." She was skimming through and came to a page that said, "If you don’t believe that Critical Race Theory is the work of demons, you need to come home."

Her reaction, in her own words:

I hulked out. I tore the journal in half with a scream and threw it in the trash. I sobbed, I texted my mom and my best friends and proceeded to block all my immediate family members on Facebook.

She went on to defend Critical Race Theory as just a "theory, not harmful ideology"; how could a theory about understanding centuries-long oppression possibly be demonic? She ended with a comment about how her therapist had taught her the importance of "protecting [her] peace" and how this was a demonstration of it.

So, I have a lot of reactions to this. First of all, I've occasionally heard of similar practices of family members giving "gifts" that are basically just overt messages of judgment purportedly coming from a place of love, and whenever I do, my gut twists a little. Like, if you disapprove of the lifestyle or ideology of someone you love, find an appropriate time to tell it to their face in a respectful, non-condescending manner; don't deliver it in the form of a present for them to receive on their birthday of all times. I may be wrong, but this type of behavior seems prevalent in conservative religious subcultures, and I find it pretty toxic. I can certainly understand why my Facebook friend felt hurt and perhaps betrayed, and why she would want to block family members on Facebook.

As for her own described reaction, either it happened exactly that way or she's exaggerating it, and if she's exaggerating it that's almost more troubling to me because it means her post is performative and indicates an awareness of a very appreciative audience. Either way... I can't think of a more perfect example of what John McWhorter describes in contending (among other things) that (1) wokeness is truly a religion; and (2) extremely woke people of color have internalized victimhood as such an inalienable part of their identity that they wouldn't know how to view themselves without it. If someone receives a note from a relative criticizing some of their beliefs, and they completely freak out to the extent my acquaintance described, then the thing being criticized isn't merely "some beliefs"; it's a religion or full-blown way of life that is earth-shakingly precious to them.

Furthermore, it's another example of a minor flying-off-the-handle breakdown dressed up as strength or power, assuming what I like to call a "have your cake and eat it too" notion of "strength" where falling apart but feeling righteous in falling apart translates to feeling mightier or (paradoxically) more unbreakable. Note the use of the word "hulked" in the first sentence of the description, implying power, followed closely by what comes across to me as a sort of meltdown. I've known lots of people who receive disapproval of some of their beliefs and/or behaviors (often by a relative) and respond with a "F- you, get out of my life!" either back at that person's face or (say) on social media in venting to their friends. That's showing a certain type of strength or fortitude, I'll grant that, even though generally I don't consider cursing someone out and shunning them anywhere near an optimal form of strength or fortitude, and I hate the way that anger is being fetishized as the "strongest" way to react to things by many nowadays.

Other people respond to criticism of their beliefs (especially over-the-top criticism like "comes from demons") by laughing and saying, "What an idiot, I'm not listening to them." Again, dismissing other people's views as idiotic isn't something I regularly endorse, but it's sometimes necessary for one's own sanity and certainly can be a form of strength.

But, screaming and sobbing and texting your mom and close friends as if you're in an urgent crisis is another thing altogether. It's something I can be sympathetic about and hope that the person in question gets support in coping with such events, but in no way whatsoever is this a sign of strength -- I think one has to bend over backwards and distort the very meaning of the word to claim that it is.

Her post as usual was met with dozens of hero-worshippy comments from among her hundreds of fawning (mostly white) admirers, which thanked her for how strong and inspiring she was in the face of such "trauma" and, most strikingly, "I love that you ripped it apart!!!! You are powerful <3<3<3<3". I'm sorry, because I know this makes me kind of sound like an ass, but outside of some very different particular circumstances I just can't see physically destroying an inanimate object (that one just received and didn't want) as brave or tough or powerful.

And I didn't mean the quotes around the word "trauma" above as scare quotes: it can be traumatic to have someone who's supposed to be close to you say, in the form of a "gift", that something you believe in is demonic if that belief is something (like a religion) that you hold as close to your heart and sense of being as this acquaintance apparently holds CRT. But -- as I've said before, and I'm saying again -- one's capacity to be traumatized is not itself strength or agency; in my view, the people who call it that are confusing it with the strength in being able to cope and stand upright and treat others well despite being traumatized.

That's essentially a big part of my beef with very one-sided "vulnerability is strength" narratives.

#social justice #critical race theory #conservative christianity #john mcwhorter #how have i never brought up mcwhorter on this blog before?#high vs. low agency #trauma

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chriswhitewolf · 3 years ago

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Hello. Another long rant post. Haven't vented on Tumblr in a while.

⚠️ Content/ trigger warning for homophobia, transphobia, and general bigotry towards all queer/LGBTQIA+ people. Manipulation, gaslighting, and general emotional abuse. Swearing as well. ⚠️

So, the other day, I was casually hanging out in the living room where my mother, father, and one of my older brothers were. I don't remember how the conversation started, but the three of them were talking and my mom jokingly asked if my brother's friend was gay. My brother laughed and replied that he [the friend] was not, and my mom goes "well if he is that's [name]'s choice."

And I, as someone who cares about human rights, basic decency, the systemic civil issues in the USA, and just using proper language and having accurate information regarding topics like this, casually jumped in and commented

"No it's not."

Now, my mother is aware of the fact that sexual orientation isn't a choice, and I am well aware of it. (She is still a homophobe, but she recognizes that it's not a decision people make to be attracted to their same gender/sex.)

Anyway, I said that, and had no intention of saying anything further. I simply corrected the language she used because it was inaccurate and harmful. (And annoyed the hell out of me, her closeted agender omnisexual polyamorous offspring, but details.) My mother proceeded to huff and announce in a VERY aggravated tone that

"yeah well, I'm not going to argue with you about this when you know what I meant."

As I said earlier in this post, the thought of participating in any sort of argument hadn't even crossed my mind. And I did know that she is aware of her choice of language being inaccurate, and that she wasn't consciously trying to argue or affirm otherwise.

But her language played into the harmful misinformation and anti-scientific viewpoints that are a major issue affecting queers everywhere, so I interjected and corrected because calling it a choice, even jokingly, even knowing it's not and with no intention to claim it is, supports the culture in worldwide society that portrays non-cishet individuals as Wrong.

But she immediately turned my calm and non-argumentative correction that bore her no ill will into an attack against her, and played herself up as a victim of my incessant attempts to purposefully twist her words and make her seem like a bad person.

(we will disregard at this moment that she's absolutely a bad person simply due to her actions and ideaology)

And I wanted to call her out. I wanted to speak up and ask her at what point did I ever mention and argument or that I didn't know what she meant? I wanted to look her in the eyes and defend myself because all I did was calmly and politely correct her. I still do, days later.

But I can't, because I know how that would go because it's been happening for a big portion of my life. Because if I do bring it up, how she twisted my words to make me seem like an argumentative and intolerant person and how she does that consistently, she'll gaslight me and guilt me and shame me into being a horrible person and child who blames them for everything and forces them to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting me and I'll end up spending the next few hours or days re-convincing myself that my having issues with her behavior is valid and that I'm not always wrong, and forcing myself to stop the self-gaslighting behavior she conditioned me into that I've been actively working on dismantling and breaking out of for months. I can't confront her with the things she does and says and the way she treats me and her emotional abuse, because she will do what she always does and it will end with me even more miserable than the baseline that comes from being around her and my dad and I can't safely put myself in that situation because I'm barely coping enough to survive each day and that's almost entirely due to dissociating from my emotions and situation and putting off the hurt until I'm in a safe enough environment to feel it and start the healing process.

So I have to bite my tongue and go sit alone in my room with the door closed and isolate myself in an attempt to ensure my own survival and not being able to feel my pain properly means I'm not able to work through it and let it go, so the anger is left festering in my subconscious and reappearing in my thoughts every couple days.

And my only opportunities to talk about the things I'm suffering through are long text posts no one sees on social media, text vents to the one friend I have, and in once-a-week therapy sessions where we can't work on much of anything because trying to heal my trauma while I'm still in the situation that's traumatizing would do more harm than good.

#abuse mentions #transphobia #homophobia #swearing #trigger warning #triggering themes #emotional abuse #shitty parents

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lookbluesoup · 4 years ago

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I’ve seen a lot of talk about anti anti culture lately and an emphasis on canceling people who write stories where bad things happen (i.e., rape, molestation, abuse). I’m really interested in facilitating a positive, open space here on my blog. So sharing my personal opinion about this at all is something I thought about for a while, and my hope is that it offers a helpful perspective as well as solidarity to people who use fiction the same way as me.

It’s not directed at anyone in particular or any event in particular. The tl;dr version is – people should always have a choice, they should be allowed to read or choose not to read, they should be allowed to write and share or choose not to write or share. Taking that choice away from people ultimately hurts survivors by making topics taboo and forcing everyone to fit a specific moral narrative for their pain or experiences to be valid.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, cancel culture, child molestation, depression, suicide, dogmatic religion, homophobia

1. These things DO happen in real life, and yes, they are harmful, and yes, reading about them can be triggering. Fully, completely acknowledge all of these things and have experienced my share of it firsthand.

2. People should be allowed to know before they get invested in a story whether triggers might be present so that they can choose to avoid it if they want to. It is their choice, and responsibility to decide not to read something that is appropriately tagged. (And please, please tag appropriately!)

3. Being interested in reading about dark subjects does not make a person evil. Somewhere between 31-57 percent of women admit to having rape fantasies. (x) That does not mean women want to be raped in real life. It does not mean that half the population of women are perverted degenerates. Reading fiction, like indulging in our fantasies, is a safe place to explore and enjoy sensations, dramas, and experiences we still don’t want in real life.

In less touchy examples - I love reading about gladiator arena battles! I love playing apocalyptic games where monsters jump out of the dark and scare the shit out of me! I do not want gladiator rings or to live in an apocalypse in real life! That doesn’t mean my interest in these stories or games condones them in real life. It doesn’t mean I think it was right that Rome irl forced slaves to fight to the death for entertainment.

4. I grew up in an environment without grey areas. The dogmatic Bible-beating hatemongering kind. Someone was good and did everything right according to my beliefs and worldview, or someone was bad and a direct threat to me. If I did something wrong, I had to punish myself physically and emotionally to make up for not being perfect. I was taught to despise myself. My parents believed there was only one correct way to view any situation - their way. I was petrified of punishment and learned that it wasn’t even worth trying to do better or accommodate someone else’s experiences because I would never measure up and would be condemned for doing something that wasn’t perfect. That is immensely, cripplingly harmful to an individual and to society. Cancel culture does the same thing. It excommunicates people who aren’t pure and allows others to get by with abuse because they are ‘teaching’ or an ‘authority on morality’ – and guess what? Nobody is pure. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we are all learning. None of us have moral authority.

We cannot build a healthy, inclusive society if we are unsafe. We cannot be safe if we are not allowed to first admit that we ALL make mistakes and have prejudices that we can improve on. So we need to be kind and nonjudgmental whenever we have the chance to be. And we have to accept and respect that what’s fun or helpful or healing for us might be the opposite for someone else, or vice versa. Which is okay if we are respectful of each other’s boundaries and don’t try to force a way of being onto someone else without their consent.

5. With regard to writing, this means that people need to be allowed to explore difficult, even painful topics if they wish to. Even for fun. Even if someone else might not want or need to explore those same topics. That doesn’t make either person inherently evil or wrong. It just means we all have different needs and wants and diversity is normal.

As a serious example, as someone who was molested by a teenage neighbor as a child, I can guarantee you that the fact these topics were considered so disgusting and taboo by society made it very difficult for me to cope. It was not my fault, and I’ve healed from it, but when it happened I didn’t even understand what was going on, and the guilt and self-blame that followed me for years afterward were almost crippling. So yes – what happened to me in real life was wrong, inexcusable behavior. But censorship did not protect me. First it made me ignorant and vulnerable to manipulation, and then it made me feel dirty, disgusting, and isolated.

What I needed was a safe avenue to talk about it and the thoughts and sensations it stirred up, in order to heal. I needed to know it was okay to have automatic thoughts – they were a result of fear and trauma or even just being human, not a moral failing on my part. I needed to actually talk about and explore what I had felt openly, and how that related to the rest of my life, before I could move past it and have a healthy view of intimate acts that weren’t soaked in guilt and self-loathing.

I read a book after that happened, set in ancient Rome, where pederasty took place. And the victim was allowed to admit that he’d enjoyed some of what had happened to him while enslaved, and was then assured that even though he didn’t hate everything that he experienced, it didn’t make him to blame, nor his abuser right, and those thoughts/feelings did not define him or his morality. That has been immensely healing to me – but this ‘grey’ exploration of a topic is not compatible with mainstream cancel culture.

Or alternatively, I watched the series 13 Reasons Why. I hated it. It felt like nothing but shock value entertainment and not a respectful management of topics like suicide that were very, VERY real to me. Except for someone else I knew who had also struggled with suicidal thoughts and impulses, 13 Reasons Why was immensely validating. They were glad that a series showed such graphic representation of these events in a way that couldn’t be ignored or brushed over. What had been hurtful to me, was empowering to them.

I believe it is not mine, or anyone else’s place, to decide that a piece of media should be across the board banned because of what it might do. Because while some of us share traumas, we still each have different experiences, needs, and healing processes.

Such strict censorship allows for only victims who meet a certain “standard” to receive care and healing. The rest are left to suffer or are even punished further.

All of us have gone through life with vastly different levels of privilege, opportunity, expectations, etc, which leads to vastly different interpretations of the world, none of which are 100% correct or true.

6. Cancel culture hurts LGBTQ+ rights. I’m neither straight or cis, and I might never have learned that if I hadn’t been able to build friendships outside of my social circle who allowed me to integrate and ask questions without being obligated to agree with them. Where I grew up, there was immense prejudice against gay people. My cousin was disowned and disinherited for coming out. I was sheltered from anyone who might argue for gay rights, and discouraged from looking at or being curious of the deep south’s version of ‘problematic.’ That’s what I was taught – to be uncomfortable toward, judgmental, and condemning. If I had been on tumblr during those years and gotten ‘cancelled’ I would have been even more suspicious and condemning of Others, and even more determined that my way was the only right one. I specifically avoided tumblr social circles because I ‘knew’ they hated ‘people like me.’ It’s not exclusive. This trend where people become even more convinced to pick an opposing side because the Other person is being hateful is one of the first things they teach you in social psychology.

The kind of intolerance that goes with mobbing people for saying anything they consider problematic at all is the same cruelty that makes me unable to tell my parents I identify as agender or pan. It’s what gets women stoned to death and gays beheaded. It’s not moral.

What changed my point of view was friendships. One of my friends came out as gay and my world turned upside down because here was someone that didn’t match any of the stereotypes I’d been taught to fear. He wasn’t hateful or condemning of me, he was one of the most thoughtful and peaceful people I knew. That is what started to change things for me, and made it safe for me to explore other ways of thinking and interpretations of scripture. Because I cared about him more than I needed to be right.

7. Nobody is obligated to interact with someone who is being violent or hateful to them. You’re not even obligated to interact with someone you disagree with, if the topic is too painful or you simply don’t want to talk about it. Keep yourselves safe. But within the world of writing, live and let live. If someone posts a story you don’t like, and they’ve tagged it appropriately, please, please consider that your experience is not universal. You have the choice not to read that story. Someone else might need to read it. Let them, and don’t shame them for it.

#cancel culture #tw rape #tw abuse #tw child molestation #tw depression #tw suicide #tw religion #tw homophobia #tw cancel culture #wyn gabs #not fallout #text #long post

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savnofilter · 4 years ago

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no nuance november!

a/n: which is basically you have a bunch of opinions and dont explain any of em' and let your followers discuss them (much more suited for tiktok sjsnj). i'll be doing it since it compiles with many topics like fandom, racism, lgbtq+, politics and etc. i highly encourage people to do this simply because why not? feel free to send your own opinions n stuff, i wanna know what my followers think!!

disclaimer!! ⚠️ all of these are broad, not pin pointing certain people or situations. even though these are my opinions these were all in fun and have been collected over the years and will change as time goes on. nothing is sugar-coated so thread carefully. feel free to agree or disagree. :)

warning(s): mentions of racism, p*do micro aggression, fetishizing, toxicity, abuse, politics, labelling, mental health, cancelling, fandoms, ages.

key:

iswis = i said what i said, no explanation to that one.

whe = will happily explain.

stop sexualizing gay/m|m/yaoi relationships. it's not only demonizing to the males, it's also very fetishizing. (iswis)

most times /10 yall root for "feminine men" when you really mean white boys and fetishised asian men on social media. (whe)

bullying someone isnt educating. you either cant cope with the fact people have different opinions from you or you have a struggle with things either always never going your way or the opposite. (iswis)

straight people will never have a say in lgbtq+ issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)

white people will never have a say in poc issues. stop inserting yourself. (iswis)

poc will never have a say in black people issues. stop inserting yourself. (vice versa but im black and it happens more often to us lol) (iswis)

using the defense, "but black lives matter, right?" when one black person does something bad isnt facts, youre racist. (iswis)

fandom adults need to stop gatekeeping the target audience (demographics) to animes/shows. (iswis)

poc people can be racist. (whe)

even if a certain site was adult doesnt mean that every adult wants to see your porn. either keep it to yourself or tag properly. (iswis)

saying shit like, "im more xyz than you and im not even xyz" is not only disrespectful but disgusting. just because you believe in a popular opinion of a group does NOT suddenly make you a person in it, get over yourself. (iswis)

dont hate on people for the same things you have done at a young age. (ex: writing fanfic, seggs, etc) (iswis)

blaming a minor/someone mentally unstable for being abused is not only victim blaming, but it enables the notion that people who go those things that they wanted it. (iswis)

going off of that last point, if you do victim blame for situations and been in them yourself you either still havent coped with what you went through and still think it was your fault when it wasnt. (whe)

it's stupid people hate minors for being undeveloped when adults are the reason as to why people get traumas, abused and quite literally are destroying the world right now. (iswis)

gen z is white as fuck. (iswis)

early 2000s kids are equivalent to 90s kids who use to post, "only 90s kids under this" and post something that 2000-5 experienced. (iswis)

dear 2005+ kids, abusing harmful substances and having sex doesnt make you grown. stop it. (iswis)

adults, being able to post porn doesnt make you grown or mature, stop believing that it does. (iswis)

just because it's a coping mechanism doesnt mean it's healthy. (iswis)

avoiding conflict doesnt mean youre mature. if there is an active problem and you know ignoring it will only benefit you and not the actual problem at hand that is selfish. (iswis)

black women generate clout for everyone. when we're hated the person gets patted on the back, someone appreciates black girls they are praised, and people of many groups repeatedly steal from our culture. (iswis)

YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING BLACK AND AFRICAN AMERICAN. (whe)

if youre black you do not have to be democrat OR republican, there are many other parties. (whe)

i do not trust either parties, no minority should. (whe)

this 2020 election was not a win for poc people no matter who won. (iswis)

we do not decide whether or not what to do on columbus day. it is up to the natives themselves. (whe)

pointing out other countries (current) faults is not racist. although the issue can be misconstrued, if proper research is done it safe to say it's an educated observation or opinion. (whe)

privilege heavily varies; ex, americans are seen as privileged, while the people who live in it experience a disadvantage because of the societal standards. within the country itself. (whe)

americans, stop saying that america is the worst country and there are other countries who are suffering much worse than we are. yes sometimes it sucks but do not label it as the worst. (iswis + whe)

white people are privileged and will always be until we break the racist issues deep rooted in EVERY community. (iswis)

9/10 when marginalized groups like (women, lgbt) are mostly focused on white people and never address the poc counter parts. using the excuse "well idk much about that" is not good enough and just promotes pseudo-white supremecy. (iswis + whe)

do not use aave. (iswis)

aave is not gen z language, stop calling it that. (iswis)

gay men (white especially) use black women and get praised for the things we do that are called ghetto. (iswis)

yes it is offensive if you touch a black persons hair with or without permission. we are not your pets nor zoo animals. (iswis)

and yes it is offensive if you see a black women with beautiful hair and assume it's fake or ask, "is it yours?" "is it real?" (iswis)

using jailbait as an excuse to lewd minors is just as disgusting. (iswis)

beauty standards for women is rooted from pedophilia. (iswis)

using other pedophilic relationships as an excuse to ship yours is disturbing and you shouldnt be near children at any capacity. (iswis)

everything doesnt need a label. (iswis)

the fact that gangs have been criminalized while mafias havent is racist and feeds the stereotypes that poc are criminals. (iswis)

people are more forgiving to white predators than to poc (neither are good but people let white off the hook more often). (iswis)

if youre okay with your friends being racists, creeps, abusers you are just as bad. (iswis)

although you can like what you like, making dark content shouldnt be as glorified as much as it is. (iswis)

some kinks do deserve to be kink shamed. (iswis)

adults need to be more held accountable when held in situations with minors. (iswis + whe)

everyone perceives the world differently, many people will see the same things you see differently. (iswis)

calling people crazy for questioning the things around them doesnt make them crazy, youre just asleep. (iswis)

the human body can function without a soul. (iswis)

stop disrespecting christianity. you wouldnt do the same with hinduism, islam and etc. (iswis)

the bible was altered by white men and the true meanings have been misconstrued. (iswis + whe)

bullying someone who you THINK is problematic is not excuse to be hateful. youre just scum and feel the need to justify your actions. (iswis)

not everyone has to like you and dont need a reason. (iswis)

just because you dont like someone doesnt mean you have to make a show of it. be mature and move along. (iswis)

yes callouts/cancelling has its place but it's never done right. (iswis)

"cancel culture" wasnt a thing till white people joined in. (iswis)

dont cancel someone for stuff they did years ago. bringing it up is important but not allowing them to understand, reflect, and apologize is not only bullying it defeats the purpose of bringing awareness. (iswis)

big writers need to stop complaining when one fic or a few dont do good. not only does it rub in small writers faces, it shows that if you need people's validation to write you probably shouldnt be writing. some works will be popular and some will flop, get over it. (iswis)

stop witch hunting & crucifying people for shit you have done or your friends have done and going "uwu sorry" when you get caught. (iswis)

90% people believe content creators with bigger audiences. (iswis)

people spontaneously posting, "uwu take care of your mental health" doesnt mean that they actually care. (iswis)

people are always quick to judge people with real mental health such as depression, anxiety, adhd, and etc are always the one to turn and pretend to be exactly what they just mocked. (iswis)

dont have kids if youre not going to take care of them. (iswis)

stop baiting baby otakus (people freshly getting into anime) into watching cp like yarichin bitch club or boku no pico. they are minors, it's not funny, stop it. (iswis)

stop being protective & toxic over anime characters. if they were real they probably wouldnt even like you. (iswis)

just because someone is your friend doesnt mean that they arent toxic or abusive. (iswis)

start believing when people show their true traits. (iswis)

trauma happens in different forms, stop saying something didnt happen because it didnt go the way that has commonly happened or the way it occurred to you. (iswis)

stop saying minors should "know" while also being the loudest to say that our brains arent even developed till 25. (iswis)

the adult age should be raised to 20 years old. (iswis + whe)

tos should be raised to 16 years old. (iswis + whe)

minors take "18+" & "minors dni" out of your bio. (iswis)

yelling at minors for finding the content you freely put out without any care is your fault not theirs. (iswis)

there are plenty of adult sites that are more confined for adults but you guys ignore them because youd rather get popular on writing erotica on a popular social media platform. (iswis)

trying to cancel someone over one mistake and or blowing said things out of proportion is toxic and stupid. (iswis)

if you take someone saying they need to distance themselves for mental health reasons personally and make them feel bad for it youre an actual shitty person. (iswis)

if someone disrespects you, you have the right to say whatever you want in response. (iswis + whe)

stop hypersexualizing everything (adults especially). (iswis)

the excuses of, "they look grown" "i mentally think xyz" "theyre fake" is creepy and weird and yall should come up with a better excuse. (iswis)

yes i do believe minors should be writing for minors only, but i will not give a shit if an adult does if said characters are aged up in every work sfw or not. (iswis)

stop saying teens cant go through traumatic things and cant experience mental illnesses. it just shows that you werent cared for as a child and never get the therapy for it. (iswis)

gen z has a very colonized idea of activism. (iswis)

feminism was never for all women until the rest of us forced ourselves in. and even now it's still an issue whether or not people realize it or not. (iswis)

poc solidarity doesnt exist as much as we try to make it happen. (iswis)

colorism is an issue, and no you will not tell me otherwise. (iswis)

the hot cheeto girl is offensive and demeans black & hispanic culture. (iswis)

stop bashing minors for breathing, just say youre mad youre not young anymore and move on. (iswis)

black men are the white people of black people. (iswis)

there is no reason as to why you anyone would refer to black people as "blacks". nor should you (non-black people) be arguing whether or not to say nigga even with the hard r. (iswis)

if you (pertains to white people) think white privilege doesnt exist but go on to make fun of or ignore minority problems you are the living and breathing example of what we are talking about. (iswis)

loli/shotas are fucking disgusting and people who like it deserve to be tortured for eternity. (iswis)

seriously, stop using theyre "fake" as an excuse. (iswis)

if youre comfortable with being hateful to someone but still consider yourself a nice person because you do the hate minimum to be a decent human, youre either a narcissist or have a god complex. (iswis)

coons have no say in black issues. (iswis)

people need to stop blaming the "home wrecker" for ruining the relationship when it was the s/o's fault as well. there is no home to enter without an owner. (iswis)

stop saying any asian man yo see reminds you of a haikyuu character and or any anime character. it's racist. (iswis)

stop saying any asian person looks like a kpop idol, it's racist. (iswis)

stop downplaying and invalidating when black women go through traumatic things. not only does it promote that we have to be strong and save everyone else's problems, it says that we dont have emotions and cant be a victim which is disgusting. (iswis)

if you say shit like "minors curate your own experience" then go and turn around to say you REFUSE TO TAG YOUR SHIT YOU ARE LITERALLY MAKING THE PROCESS OF CENSORING HARD! (iswis)

white women are just as much of a problem as white men. only difference is sex keeping them apart. (iswis)

stop saying kpop is racist. expecting artists from a different political progression to understand that things can be offensive is bland. (iswis)

people accept boy groups fuck-ups more than they accept girl groups. and most times out of ten, the males are worse. (iswis)

if you engage in nsfw conversation with a minor, it is your fault they responded. (iswis)

anyone can be abused. (iswis)

stop coddling adults and bullying minors. (iswis)

most of you females have internalized misogyny and dont even know it. (iswis)

you can callout issues without having to drag a group of people. same with uplifting. (iswis)

if youre fine with being a sheep unfollow me. (iswis)

seven deadly sins is not a good anime. (iswis)

there is a difference between boku no hero academia fans based on if they call it "bnha" or "mha". (iswis)

ships literally are not serious stop harassing people over ships. (iswis)

do not harass creators of series because they do something with THEIR story. make your own. (iswis)

stop saying horikoshi sexualizes his women too much/mineta is the worst when you guys enjoy shows like one piece, hunter x hunter, naruto and etc. (iswis)

minors often or not are sheeps (heres your sign you dont have to agree with everything other people say). (iswis)

just because minors can be mature doesnt mean that they are adults. stop treating them as such. (iswis)

we should give more voice actors in the asmr (idk what to call it) community more recognition instead of just one. (iswis)

writers are the ones that send hate to other writers. anon hate is so corny and if you do it that goes to show that you are truly a toxic person wearing a fake mask of kindness when youre not on anonymous. (iswis)

stop being mean to smaller writers because they did not have as much luck as you. (iswis)

stop blaming your readers because one story flopped. (iswis)

ignoring someone's shitty actions encourages them to do it more. (iswis)

going to school and getting a job is much harder now than it was before. (iswis)

being an adult doesnt automatically make you mature. just because youre older doesnt mean youre better or you opinion is more valuable. it just shows that you werent heard when you were younger. (iswis)

there should be no reason as to why someone of the age of 18 should be having any romantic relationship with someone who is a minor. (iswis)

hawks is a shitty character. (iswis)

bakudeku isnt toxic. (iswis)

just because bakugo is in a ship, doesnt mean it's toxic. (iswis)

stop shipping male characters together simply because they have screen time together. it's creepy. (iswis)

almost all of 1-a students have ptsd and anything close to the after effects of being traumatized. (iswis)

no, editing characters to be poc is not racist. youre just mad they arent "white" when they never were. theyre asian and come in many colors as well. (iswis)

wanting to only be with a different race to get a mixed baby is fucking disgusting. (iswis)

stop ignoring pedo relationships between older women and younger boys and or with older women in general. (iswis)

males can be abused, stop telling them to suck it up or that they cant go through things. (iswis)

shaming young females about things they cant control is misogynistic and is damaging to their identity and shouldnt be excused. (iswis + whe)

not all females have to shave. (iswis)

what you dont like in someone is the projections you see of yourself on other people that you dont like about yourself. (whe)

popular bl stories extremely misrepresent gay relationships and frankly it's disgusting that theyre boosted as much as they are. (iswis)

jjba isnt ugly, you just watch animes to sexualize the characters. (iswis)

it's shitty that anime and kpop only became cool once white people stated to like it and made it mainstream. go gatekeep family guy or something. (iswis)

if you have been anime fan for a long time you were with bullied/teased for just generally liking it or you were a weirdo who recreated shit from it. (iswis)

weaboo and weeb were bad terms till we made them positive?? literally otaku is the word for it but we use weeb instead lol. (whe)

normalize and promote educating someone without going straight to bullying them. (whe)

haikyuu isnt really a good manga/anime nor is the art style the best but the characters make up for it. (iswis)

stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to manipulate your narrative. (iswis)

toxic positivity is manipulative and if you have to make it back handed you are not as nice as you like to make it seem. (iswis)

studying a major doesnt mean youre actually good in the subject. (iswis)

normalize people realizing their past mistakes and growing from it. (iswis)

do not self diagnos unless you actually feel like you may have that issue and would like to seek help. mental health is not a personality trait. (iswis)

stop projecting onto people. (iswis)

stop misusing terms and stop nitpicking definitions to fit your narrative. (iswis)

stealing any type of work should not be tolerated. (iswis)

constantly trying to trigger someone to go back to their old ways (being toxic, abusive, addiction, suicidal etc) after changing is toxic and manipulative. (iswis)

if you make jokes about hurting kids and or feel the need speak badly about them i do not want to speak to you. (iswis)

the human brain wasnt developed to understand complex ideas such as death or the universe. (iswis)

we will never truly know what is beyond our skies. (iswis)

thats all, thanks for sifting!

#opinions #hot takes #three t's for the week #read at your own discretion #no nuance november #d dabbles

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rotationalsymmetry · 4 years ago

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Commenting on without reblogging. (Thing is about: communicating about what you’re upset about with your partner or whomever and not making them guess.) (I don’t remember if the original post was partner specific or like...roommates. I’m thinking about partners, but this can apply to roommate conflicts as well, and anyone else you spend enough time with that you’re around each other when you’re not at your best. I’m mostly assuming one on one situations — this can be generalized to larger groups, but with 3 or more people there’s additional dynamics in play and I’m not sure how to comment on that here:)

Yes, and also I think this tends to be harder than a lot of people realize. As in: if just being told you should do that is enough, great. If not...

For those of us who would basically rather die than talk to our parents about our feelings as teens and didn’t have anyone else we could talk to about our feelings to either, it can be really hard to transition into adult relationships of equals and trust that the other person actually cares about our feelings.

For people who have especially extreme or unusual emotional reactions due to mental illness, ADHD, etc, identifying our feelings let alone talking about them can be extra hard.

For many people, figuring out how to say “I’m upset as a result of you doing x” without implying “I think it’s bad that you did x” can be challenging. Especially since a lot of people are primed to automatically hear the first as the second.

This can be even harder if you’re not sure whether you do think that it’s bad that the other person did x or not.

I don’t know what to say about people coming from abusive families, but I’m sure that adds extra layers of difficulty one way or another. Also previous abusive romantic relationships.

Basically we usually learn how to do this stuff by it being modeled to us, and a lot of us didn’t get that modeling. (Or for various reasons, got it modeled but didn’t pick it up. Or our problems and our role models’ problems are different enough that it’s not all that useful.)

Some people find it difficult to form words or say certain kinds of things under stress. This can look like deliberately choosing to stay silent when it’s actually not a choice.

The fight-or-flight stress response makes it harder to use the parts of your brain that control impulses and make rational, thought out decisions. So, knowing what to do when you’re calm and being able to do it when you’re aroused are very different things. Even more so if you’re getting into shut down/dissociation territory. (This is why “take some time apart to calm down” is such common relationship advice.)

Sometimes not only is it hard for B to read A’s feelings, but B might get it wrong. Some people look calm when they’re angry, sound angry when they’re scared, cry when they’re not sad, etc.

Oh, and also some people don’t have close relationships (or healthy close relationships) until relatively late in life, and are making their newbie relationship mistakes much later than most people.

So, what can you do?

Talk about conflicts when you’re not actively in conflict.

Make a plan for how you’re going to deal with intense feelings and/or sustained bad moods ahead of time; know your coping strategies. Let your partner know ahead of time what sorts of things tend to make you feel better or worse.

Look up communication advice (“I feel” statements etc) and either generate some rules of the road together as a couple (/household/polycule/whatever) or make some personal guidelines for yourself. (If you don’t always follow them it happens — this isn’t about whoever messes up first loses the argument, it’s about if you mess up you try to do better next time.)

If you want to keep the relationship, make sure you have a lot more positive interactions than negative ones. Even if there’s big disagreements that need to be talked through, it’s OK to take breaks and have time where you focus on enjoying each other’s company. If you’re in a frame of mind where you can do that.

Likewise, remember to say positive things about your partner etc even when you’re in conflict. “I care about you”, “I want to work through this together”, “thanks for hearing me out”, etc. You do not lose the fight by saying nice things. (Or if you do...maybe your problem isn’t a communication one.)

If either person wants to take a break from a difficult conversation, you take a break.

Think about who else you can talk to about this, or how else you can process the situation. It’s not necessarily a good idea to talk about all your relationship fights with a close family member (or another partner if you’re polyamorous) but often it’s a good idea to talk to someone. So...therapist? Bartender? Hotline volunteer? Random social media “let’s be nice to each other” group? Your dog? Maybe you’d just as soon write in your journal or go for a long walk? Sometimes if you process your feelings first, you end up having a much more constructive talk later on.

Be in process. Learning how to have healthy relationships involves a lot of highly complex and subtle skills. It’s work. It takes time. As with learning to play a musical instrument, you have to do it badly before you can do it well.

What if communication doesn’t help?

Maybe the way you tried it didn’t work or the timing was bad. Give it some time and try again later. (If it’s a big dealbreaker thing or potentially a big dealbreaker thing, get some distance if possible — communication isn’t a substitute for boundaries, and neither is patience or love or forgiveness.)

If there’s a consistent pattern of talking it out not working, or the other person seems to be acting deliberately cruel, this is probably not a good relationship (/living situation) for you. Good communication can’t make another person respect you, it only smooths things over between people who basically like and respect each other.

Couple’s counseling/family counseling is an option in some cases. I recommend only doing this if you basically trust that the other person cares about and respects you and it’s more about getting back to a previously happy relationship than trying to fix a relationship that was broken from the start. In a hostile roommate situation if you can’t move out yet, or if you’re in something that you know is a bad relationship but can’t break up yet, what you want is more boundaries, not better communication. Individual therapy might help with that, but family or couple’s therapy is generally more focused on gaining more closeness and mutual understanding, and less about setting boundaries and getting distance.

Some resources (books unless stated otherwise, authors left out because I’m feeling too lazy to look them all up but I can clarify on request):

Non-violent Communication (the book, but there’s also workshops etc): not everyone’s cup of tea, other people swear by it. It’s set up skills first/explanations second, so I recommend reading the second half first but you do you. If it’s not your thing, that’s OK.

Difficult Conversations

Feeling Good Together: this is a weird ass book, and does not differentiate between healthy relationships and abusive ones, but I’m still recommending it because the “five secrets of effective communication” is actually the communication advice that works best for me in the moment. (The “five secrets” can also be found if you poke around the Feeling Good podcast, which is free.)

Oh, yeah the Feeling Good book and the Feeling Good podcast in general, for people with depression, anxiety, etc. (note: the author/host ...has some very strong opinions, be willing to filter. There’s a ton of practical advice though, so I’m still recommending it.)

The Dance of Anger: short on practical tips, but pretty neat on theory.

Anything about CBT or DBT, or really anything else on emotional management written by therapy people.

I’m especially fond of Taming Your Gremlin on the “learn better coping strategies” front: it’s short, it’s got humor, it’s friendly to people with short attention spans, it does kinda do the “co-opting mindfulness concepts for personal gain” thing but that’s pretty hard to avoid these days, sigh.

Bouncing Back (about resilience and healing from trauma, science based but written for people who aren’t science people)

Burnout (about stress, ditto on the science thing, aimed at women, 10/10 recommend)

The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook (why so much about stress? Because dealing with “stress” is also dealing with fear and anger and hurt and resentment and frustration, that’s why. And because we all know that “stress is bad” and we’re supposed to do something about it, but most people think that means just avoiding stressful situations and WRONG.) (If you just read one, pick Burnout. But, the Workbook has a chapter on anger management so I’m including it for that if nothing else.)

How To ADHD YouTube videos, for people with ADHD and those who love them.

#commenting on without reblogging #relationship advice #communication skills #emotional management #coping strategies #mental illness #adhd #resources #long post

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p-and-p-admin · 4 years ago

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Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group. (sharing here Admin approved)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello Emma Ficready and welcome to Behind the Quill, it’s wonderful to finally have the chance to chat with you.

Many readers will know you already from works like “Chimaera” and “Sins of the father” for those that don’t, a Trigger Warning from Emma that their works contain graphic violence and abuse and may cause distress to some readers.

Okay, let’s jump right in. What's the story behind your pen name? It's actually my previous name! Although very apt for a fiction writer. Though it's pronounced more like Thick - Reedy, I use it over my new name because my partner does not know I'm a fiction writer, and I don't think they'd react well if they found out, it's something they'd struggle with. I'm a long term partial carer for them and they have some mental health issues, so I try to avoid any situations that could be a potential trigger. Plus I like having something all to myself. Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most? I think I would say I probably relate to Severus Snape the most. I can relate to how 'damaged' he is, and how much the bullying he endured as a child, affected the adult he became. Do you have a favourite genre to read? (not in fic, just in general) I think I like to read angst the most, as to me that's more real, I don't generally read stories that are entirely fluffy all the way through. I love a happy ending, but I can't cope with total fluff because I find it unrelatable, life isn't sunshine and daisies all the time. Do you have a favourite "classic" novel? I don't know if it's old enough to be classed as a classic, but I'd have to say 'To Kill a Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. At what age did you start writing? Very young. I had my first poem published by aged 10. How did you get into writing fanfiction? After being heartbroken at the end of Harry Potter series , I just wanted more and I had been reading fanfiction stories for years. I was constantly looking for stories, I'd get this thought in my head and it was like 'I wonder if I can find a story about this' and when I couldn't I just thought... well why don't I write it? I also find the writing very cathartic. What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works? I love hurt / comfort fics. I'm a sucker for it. It is something that I represent quite a lot in my fictions, because I can see both Hermione and Severus in that role in their own individual way. Hermione who is constantly a champion and a voice for others, and Severus who is there quietly and thanklessly fighting for others the entire time, I can see both of them naturally falling into those roles of 'saving' someone , without it being out of character. What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter? I'm not particularly active in any other fandoms, I have always been a Buffy Fan and I love the Inheritance cycle books by Christopher Paolini , though short of reading other fanfictions I am not active in the community like I am with Harry Potter. If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? The epilogue, probably the most common answer you get and I know everyone is going to expect me to say because she never should've married Ron, but I can see her marrying him and subsequently divorcing him as being true to Character but I'd change the epilogue because I don't think Hermione would or should ever have settled for being a ministry worker, she deserved so much more. Do you have a favourite piece of fanon? I don't know if this counts but... Severus's Patronus changing after he survives the war. I see the doe as symbolic to the debt he felt he owed her, and I like the thought of the visual change of patronus, representing the emotional change he goes through in accepting the past and moving on now he feels that he's fulfilled his promises. Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet? Quiet! I love music, the heavier the better actually, but I have to be in the right frame of mind for it. Otherwise I can sometimes get sensory overload. I hate white noise and things like asmr, I often wear hats or headbands, or have my hood up to block out some noise. What are your favourite fanfictions of all time? How long have you got? Honestly that's not an easy question to answer, and it doesn't have one answer. But I could say that some of the stories I find myself reading over and over again are 'Sin & Vice' , 'Another Dream' and 'Lay me low'. There's no way I could write all my favourites down here, but they're the ones I re-read most often. My favourite WIP is probably ' Inkstains' Are you a plotter or a pantser? 90% Panster. I will literally have one small idea, it could be one small interaction, one conversation or one event that pops into my head and I will end up writing a story around that one small thing. My story signs entirely stemmed from the one interaction of Severus handing Hermione the note. I knew I wanted that, and then it was by the pants from then on How does that affect your writing process? It means that I do update my stories in a regular order, so no one story is left too long without an update. I literally sit down, crack my knuckles and go 'right, I'm writing the next chapter of this story now. I write it and post it as soon as it's finished. I write from my phone too, so I apologise for any grammatical or spelling errors, auto-correct is the bane of my life at times What is your writing genre of choice? Have you read my fictions!? Interviewer: Well yeah, but I’m asking because you’ll be new to at least some of the audience. (chuckles) Ha. Sorry. Angst, all the way. I write angst and hurt/comfort, very dark stories as I pull a lot of my ideas from the real life experiences of myself and friends I met in therapy. Writing about trauma is very cathartic for me and helps me process my own feelings about my own history. Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why? Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it? How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write? That's a tough one, as there are elements to all of them that are important to me. None of the stories I write quite unfold like I imagined they would, they just sort of take off and I'm along for the ride. I'd be remiss not to talk about Not the Same girl at this point, as that story has probably had the biggest impact for me, the responses it's had and the people reaching out to me, both positively and negatively. I've had some outright hate over that fic, and abusive messages to the point that I almost gave in altogether and I think because of that people will expect me to say Not the Same girl is the fiction I relate to most, and while I do draw a lot from personal experience it's actually Father Mine as that resonates with me on a more personal level, that and an as yet unpublished WIP I have in the works, I think the huge dichotomy of feedback I've had for stories like Not the Same girl though, have both given me a thicker skin to the hate and encouraged me through the sheer overwhelming amount of people who’ve reached out, that find the stories cathartic in dealing with their own trauma, which is gratifying as an author to do that for people, when I myself am looking for that same release in writing it. It's great to have this mutual satisfaction and it's really rewarding. What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing? I think probably going to refer back to Harper Lee and to kill a mockingbird. The whole premise of telling a story that no one wants to hear or acknowledge, the things that are widely known but rarely spoken about. In “To kill a mockingbird” it's sexism, racism and prejudice against others based on their mental health or intelligence but we still see this so much in daily life, about how much hate and horror and suffering is seen in day to day life, the trauma that so many people have suffered is widely known but swept under the rug because it's easier. No. Hell No. Fuck that. Hiding doesn't change any of it, it may be under the rug but it's still there. People rape other people, people hurt other people, people discriminate based on gender, sexual preferences, skin colour, occupation, people have suffered in life and are damaged by it. Acknowledge it. Don't brush it under the rug, don't ignore it because it's more comfortable for most people, shine the light on it and say. "This is real. This happens. We need to acknowledge it and we need to do something about it" And I think that's shown in my writing , I don't glorify anything, I'm not writing snuff but I don't hide anything either. I make people see this is something that I won't gloss over. Does it make you uncomfortable? Good , it should. If people are uncomfortable , at least they are acknowledging the realness of that situation and not ignoring it. Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction? How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"? Nobody knows I write fanfiction, I use a previous name and I very much write for my own cathartic relief. I chose not to share that I write fiction because I'm a carer for my partner, I don't know how they'd react, it could honestly go either way where they'd be absolutely fine or it would trigger them and I'd have to stop, that's the reason I keep it to myself, I'd hate to do something that would mean I'd have to stop writing, not when so many people are so emotionally invested in the stories that I write. How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media? Reviews man. Reviews are the nectar of life, I read every single one and though I don't have time to reply to most, trust me when I say that I treasure each one and appreciate them immensely. I have my social media which I find the easiest way to speak to people , I have my own Page on Facebook and I'm on a number of SS/HG groups. It's hugely important to me to speak to my audience and I really encourage them to get in touch with me, I'm always happy to talk about my work and people have been in touch just to talk about their feelings or emotions that have been triggered by my work and I welcome it all. I mean, I've got people translating my stories them into French, into Russian...it's crazy, I never expected it to be so popular and I am always happy to hear from people. Though I apologise if I don't respond straight away, I have to write on the sly and sometimes real life takes over, so I can't log in for a week or more at a time. What is the best advice you've received about writing? First and Foremost, write for yourself. The rest is just gravy. What do you do when you hit writer's block? I move on to another story. I always have more than one WIP at any one time, If I can't find inspiration for one, I'll update another, or start a jumble of notes for others. There's always something that needs to be written down, even if it wasn't what I had planned on. Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing? Very much so. Almost all the trauma and hurt and situations that appear in my stories are either translated from my own experiences or those of people I know. Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser? I had a number of stories in the works! When A Cure For Magic is completed, I will most likely post the next one up. I can't give too much away , but the next story is called "Catching Fire" and will be an incredibly dark story, with a lot of morally grey characters. Any words of encouragement to other writers? Just do it. If you want to write it,. write it. First and foremost write for yourself. Don't listen to anyone who's negative ,or unsupportive. I get so many people message me saying things like 'I want to be a writer', but don't know where to start' and to which my answer is you already are a writer. Writing is 99% mental, you have the words, they're there in your head, you just haven't put them down yet. Thanks so much for giving us your time. Any time , it's been great and I'm happy to answer questions any time , thank you for inviting me.

#fanfiction #fanfic #snamione #ss/hg #writing

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wahtdahel-blog · 6 years ago

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Why Women Have Higher Rates of PTSD Than Men Sexual trauma is particularly toxic to mental health.

The topic of women and sexual trauma has certainly been in the news lately, provoking a great deal of emotion and outrage. Much trauma research focuses on male combat veterans, yet women actually have double the rate of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as men! While combat veterans have high rates of PTSD and suicide and deserve our attention, so do women sexual assault and abuse survivors. This article will review the symptoms of PTSD, its prevalence in women and men and factors that may contribute to sex differences in PTSD risk, including the types of traumas that women experience, differences in brain processing, coping, and societal reactions.

What are the symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder?

To be diagnosed with PTSD, a survivor needs to have the following symptoms present for at least 1 month and severe enough to interfere with day to day functioning:

Re-experiencing symptoms. These involve reacting as if the trauma is still present, including having nightmares, flashbacks, or frightening thoughts (1 needed)

Avoidance symptoms. These are attempts to avoid being reminded of the trauma, such as staying away from people, places, or things that are similar to aspects of the trauma, or avoiding and shutting out thoughts and feelings related to the trauma (1 needed)

Arousal and reactivity symptoms. These are signs of excess anxiety or anger and physiological arousal, including having angry outbursts, feeling “on edge,” being hyper-vigilant for threat, or having difficulty sleeping (2 needed)

Cognition and mood symptoms. These are negative thoughts, feelings, or judgments relating to the event or memory impairments and include feeling excessive guilt, blaming yourself unreasonably, having difficulty remembering aspects of the event, seeing yourself or the world negatively, or not finding interest or pleasure in regular activities (2 needed).

It is normal to experience some of these symptoms right after an event like a rape or a serious car accident, but if symptoms last for more than a month then you may have PTSD and should seek mental health evaluation and treatment. Sometimes PTSD symptoms can be triggered months or years after the actual event.

What are the rates of PTSD in women and men?

The lifetime prevalence of PTSD is 5-6% in men and 10-12% in women. This means that women have almost double the rate of PTSD as men. Women’s PTSD also tends to last longer (4 years versus 1 year on average). Women are more at risk for chronic PTSD than men. What factors could account for this difference?

Do women experience more traumas than men?

One suggestion for the higher rate of PTSD is that women experience more traumatic events than men. In fact research shows the opposite is true. Women report about a third less traumas than men. This means women are at higher risk of PTSD even though they experience fewer traumatic life events than men on average. This is surprising and suggests there may be something about the type of trauma or women's reactivity that puts them at higher risk.

Do types of trauma differ between women and men?

Research shows that men and women do indeed experience different traumas.

Men are more likely to experience:

combat trauma

accidents

natural disasters

disasters caused by humans.

Women experience more incidents of:

sexual abuse

domestic violence

sexual assault

Sexual traumas are prevalent and particularly toxic to mental health! Sexual abuse typically begins at a young age, when the brain is still growing, leading to a lasting impact on emotion regulation and fear response. About one out of every 6 women has experienced attempted or completed sexual assault or rape in her lifetime. Victims of sexual trauma are more likely to be diagnosed with PTSD than victims of nonsexual trauma. While you might be able to stay away from combat, there is a psychological and relationship cost to staying away from sexual activity or being a reluctant participant (in the context of a committed relationship).

The #metoo movement has highlighted the fact that women in many different career settings experience high rates of ongoing sexual harassment by bosses and colleagues. These experiences of exploitation, besides acting as chronic stressors, may trigger emotions associated with past trauma in women who have been raped and abused. Similarly, events in the news, especially those involving unfair treatment or sexual exploitation of women can trigger strong reactions in the many women who have experienced sexual abuse or assault.

What makes sexual trauma so traumatic?

When I see survivors of sexual trauma in my practice, they often exhibit high levels of fear and vigilance, shame, and self-blame. Sexual traumas carry a stigma and make women feel ashamed even when there is no valid reason to feel this way. Lawyers representing perpetrators often attack the victim's character, lifestyle, and reputation in attempts to get their clients acquitted. Many women who have been traumatized turn to alcohol or drugs to block out feelings associated with the trauma and thereby make themselves vulnerable to further sexual exploitation or coercion. They may report body hatred or dissatisfaction or exhibit eating disorders. Many victims of sexual trauma have trust issues, which can get in the way of healthy relationships as an adult. Some may isolate themselves or become avoidant of romantic relationships.

Women abused as children or teens report feeling too scared or ashamed to tell an adult. Some are not believed or told to “get over it.’ It is difficult to describe the level of violation and loss of sense of a healthy self that sexual abuse and sexual assault can cause to women and men. This is compounded when our society responds with dismissal, minimization, or disbelief.

What other factors might account for the different rates of PTSD?

Women are more susceptible than men to other types of mental health issues like anxiety disorders or depression. These may be the result of sexual assault or abuse, but can also be caused by other factors like genetic vulnerability to depression or high anxious temperament. However, societal attitudes, gender roles, and income inequalities also affect mental health and mood. Women earn less than men for the same jobs. Many women work in jobs or live in households where they have less power and control over their lives than men. This is especially the case in traditional cultures. Professor Norris and her colleagues studied gender differences in PTSD across cultures and found that the increased risk of PTSD symptoms in women was magnified in more traditional cultures.

Do men and women have different brain responses to trauma?

Although more research needs to be done, it is possible that women’s brains react differently to fear-arousing or threatening stimuli than men’s brains. In experimental studies, women showed more activation of the right amygdala, right rostral anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and dorsal ACC than men when they were exposed to fearful stimuli. The right side of the brain is associated with emotionality in general and negative emotions in particular. These same brain areas are involved in the stress response and also in mind-body awareness and emotional reactivity. Another study using physiological measures showed that women acquired fear more easily than men when exposed to fearful stimuli.

Do men and women cope with stress differently?

Men and women may cope differently with stress. There is some evidence that women are more likely than men to exhibit a “tend and befriend” response to stress. They may react to stress by crying for help, turning to others for social support, or care-taking. Men show more angry and avoidant or problem-solving responses when they are stressed. Because women’s responses are more linked to their social network and availability of support, they may be more vulnerable to PTSD symptoms when they feel lonely or rejected or when social support is not available.

Women tend to show more of an emotional and ruminative response to stress, whereas men are more likely to engage in problem-solving. Ruminating about your stressors can make their impact worse if it stops you from taking action, or if the situation is not controllable. In general, women seem to report stronger emotional reactions to major life events (like death or divorce). Women are also more affected by stressors impacting people close to them, like their parents, friends, partners or children. These coping factors may contribute to women’s higher rate of PTSD, but more research needs to be done. Women who have been raped or sexually assaulted are also likely to blame themselves more and see themselves more negatively, which can exacerbate their reactions to the trauma.

Summary

Research shows that women have higher rates of PTSD than men despite a lower rate of trauma experience. Women’s greater exposure to sexual trauma, sexual coercion, and intimate partner violence plays a role, as well as biological, environmental, and coping factors. When families, social groups, government bodies, news media, or organizations disbelieve, disrespect, or minimize girls' and women's experiences of sexual trauma, this can cause a great deal of harm to mental health.

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bigskydreaming · 5 years ago

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lesbianscottsummers replied to your post:

Jfc. Okay, let me be perfectly fucking clear,...

I just wanna day as an inc*st survivor myself I’m so sorry what has happened to you, what these anons are putting you through, and what they will undoubtably continue to put you through. I’m here if you ever need to vent/talk/etc ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️

*hugs to you for your shit as well*

Thanks, I appreciate it, but honestly I’ll be fine. The thing none of these anons ever get is how fucking powerless and pointless they are. Its like....LMFAO, I’ve survived abuse, rape, and a gaybashing. You really think your shitty little hostile messages are what’s going to break me or shut me up? LOL, please. You’re embarrassing yourselves. The most they’ve ever managed is being obnoxious gnats that are hard to swat and annoy the shit out of me.

Tbh, its not the anons that really bother me. Its the silence about their behavior. I’ve been out here catching shit like this for years...and so does most every other survivor I know who’s vocal about their trauma and how unsupported they feel by the very fandoms that pay the most lip service to caring about abuse, rape and rape culture. Not to mention all my friends of color who are vocal about racism, etc, etc.

And yet how many non-survivors (most white, because let’s be real, the vast majority of other ‘antis’ who are non-survivors themselves are people of color due to the overlap between people who fetishize and invalidate racial generational trauma and people who fetishize and invalidate survivor trauma of all types and individuals).....like, time and time again, you hear about ‘anti’ behavior and how disruptive it is to fandoms....with this signalboosted and perpetuated by people who just claim they want to ‘stay out of it’ and be civil and mannered and can’t we all just get along....

Well, no. We fucking can’t.....because the day some of us, whether survivors, people of color, nonbinary or trans individuals, started to say “hey, there are elements of fandom that actively are HARMFUL and ostracizing to us” a lot of people decided they just didn’t want to hear that, and only peeked their heads up to acknowledge when ‘antis’ rocked the boat a little too loudly.

But yeah, its only us who go around harassing people, never the other way around. At least, that’s the impression anyone would get from looking at any of the blogs of people who just want everyone to be nice and civil to each other....but only seem to get the alert when that goes in the direction that requires zero action on their part.

I mean, just speaking strictly to matters pertaining to being an abuse/rape survivor, I’m just so fucking sick of hearing all the lip service about how “I support survivors”.....from people who then make it clear that only is actionable for them WHEN NO ACTION IS ACTUALLY REQUIRED.

Hence why there’s always that tiny little qualifier in arguments around various forms of ‘anti’ discourse.....stuff pertaining to rape, incest and pedophilia fetishization....so many people when they say they support survivors in fandom ACTUALLY seem to mean “well I really MOSTLY support the survivors who say they write these things to cope, because even though I don’t ship or read or write these things myself, I support their right to do so, as opposed to those other ‘anti’ survivors’ right to have fandom experiences that don’t require being IMMERSED 24/7 in romanticized reminders of their own traumas.’

*Shrugs* I’m sick of it. I’ve watched it happen for YEARS, being right in the middle of it, and no one can tell me this isn’t EXACTLY what’s been happening for all this time, and why so many fandoms have remained exactly the way they are, problems and all, with zero effort to change or be more inclusive of all the people on the margins for various reasons saying “HEY WHAT ABOUT US”....and then turning around and patting themselves on the back for being so civilized, so courteous, so ABOVE descending into the kind of barbaric behavior that only antis are guilty of. Never the reverse. Never the things that INSPIRE our anger or vitriol as a reaction to the fact that we’re just trying to fucking EXIST in fandom spaces and everyone else who was just fine with the way things are now saying “no, change doesn’t actually work for us, because that means....effort?”

How can you say you support survivors if you never actually DO anything supportive? How can you say you support people of color if you never actually SPEAK UP for them when you see or are surrounded by blatantly evident racism? How can you say you support LGBTQ+ individuals if your READING PREFERENCES are more of a priority to you than their living experiences?

I’m not pissed off about the barrage of insects in my inbox, honestly.

I’m pissed off by the crickets that resound from everyone who at other times is first in line to say “I absolutely support xyz! Just, y’know, in that quiet, invisible way that’s more enabling of toxic, harmful, racist, homophobic, transphobic and rape-culture tropes and individuals than like....the actual people I’m claiming to actually support.”

Here’s a “if a tree falls in the middle of the forest and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound” for the social media age:

“If your support can’t be pointed to, quantified, singled out, observed, identified, or in any way meaningfully proven to exist....then DOES IT?”

Idk. I mean, I just really love how in just the few months I’ve been an active presence in this particular fandom, I’ve garnered a reputation of being unreasonable and disruptive and overly aggressive....all while sticking ENTIRELY to my own blog, not going NEAR any tags, only jumping on someone else’s post a grand total of three times that I can think of....and all while my own fandom related posts are continually garnering hundreds and even thousands of notes and being spread around by people who at the same time actively avoid interacting with me as an individual because I’m ‘unpleasant’.....as opposed to all the big name incest shippers who well, even if someone doesn’t ship those icky things themselves, at least they can say those incest and pedophilia shippers are a lot less disruptive and unpleasant to be around and know how to be polite and well-mannered.

LOLOL.

When civility is indistinguishable from apathy, you’ve fucking missed the entire freaking point of civility.

THAT’S why I don’t bother blunting myself with it, when I don’t particularly feel civil. Because its become pointless. People have fucking WEAPONIZED it to use it to silence people, and that’s so gross to me. Nobody benefits from that unless they’re already benefiting from the status quo, and the status quo is fucking gross to me too.

My question, to all the people who see things they think are wrong and never say a damn word about it...is and will always be:

WHY????

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