#how have i never brought up mcwhorter on this blog before?

[liskantope]

A Facebook friend I've had for some years who is of color and produces ample posts about her own racial experiences, whose background is white conservative Christian (she was adopted into a white family) but embraced wokeness abruptly and brains-falling-out-of-head-full-on circa 2015-2016 (I knew her before then), and about whom I wrote this ranty post I'm not terribly proud of, posted something the other day that I found upsetting on multiple levels and perfectly illustrative of some of my issues with the whole "vulnerability is strength" thing I was writing about the other day.

(Yes, I still go on Facebook somewhat although I've been successful at cutting down since January; with so much less American politics drama nowadays it's been easier both to avoid Facebook and to avoid getting upset by bad posts. And yes, I still run into this person's posts occasionally.)

[The below came out blunt and once again uncharitable in places -- it's about someone else's story which I can think of plenty of ways I might be evaluating unfairly -- but it's too late and I'm way too tired to think of a better way of expressing the points I want to get across.]

In her post, predicated with a content warning for "anti-Blackness", she describes an incident of some months ago, when a "white family member" (she doesn't specify how close but presumably not one of her parents) sent her a "birthday gift" which was evidently a journal for Loved Ones Who May Be Straying From The Proper Conservative Christian Path with an exhortation on each page to the gist of "If you're starting to believe such-and-such, come home." She was skimming through and came to a page that said, "If you don’t believe that Critical Race Theory is the work of demons, you need to come home."

Her reaction, in her own words:

I hulked out. I tore the journal in half with a scream and threw it in the trash. I sobbed, I texted my mom and my best friends and proceeded to block all my immediate family members on Facebook.

She went on to defend Critical Race Theory as just a "theory, not harmful ideology"; how could a theory about understanding centuries-long oppression possibly be demonic? She ended with a comment about how her therapist had taught her the importance of "protecting [her] peace" and how this was a demonstration of it.

So, I have a lot of reactions to this. First of all, I've occasionally heard of similar practices of family members giving "gifts" that are basically just overt messages of judgment purportedly coming from a place of love, and whenever I do, my gut twists a little. Like, if you disapprove of the lifestyle or ideology of someone you love, find an appropriate time to tell it to their face in a respectful, non-condescending manner; don't deliver it in the form of a present for them to receive on their birthday of all times. I may be wrong, but this type of behavior seems prevalent in conservative religious subcultures, and I find it pretty toxic. I can certainly understand why my Facebook friend felt hurt and perhaps betrayed, and why she would want to block family members on Facebook.

As for her own described reaction, either it happened exactly that way or she's exaggerating it, and if she's exaggerating it that's almost more troubling to me because it means her post is performative and indicates an awareness of a very appreciative audience. Either way... I can't think of a more perfect example of what John McWhorter describes in contending (among other things) that (1) wokeness is truly a religion; and (2) extremely woke people of color have internalized victimhood as such an inalienable part of their identity that they wouldn't know how to view themselves without it. If someone receives a note from a relative criticizing some of their beliefs, and they completely freak out to the extent my acquaintance described, then the thing being criticized isn't merely "some beliefs"; it's a religion or full-blown way of life that is earth-shakingly precious to them.

Furthermore, it's another example of a minor flying-off-the-handle breakdown dressed up as strength or power, assuming what I like to call a "have your cake and eat it too" notion of "strength" where falling apart but feeling righteous in falling apart translates to feeling mightier or (paradoxically) more unbreakable. Note the use of the word "hulked" in the first sentence of the description, implying power, followed closely by what comes across to me as a sort of meltdown. I've known lots of people who receive disapproval of some of their beliefs and/or behaviors (often by a relative) and respond with a "F- you, get out of my life!" either back at that person's face or (say) on social media in venting to their friends. That's showing a certain type of strength or fortitude, I'll grant that, even though generally I don't consider cursing someone out and shunning them anywhere near an optimal form of strength or fortitude, and I hate the way that anger is being fetishized as the "strongest" way to react to things by many nowadays.

Other people respond to criticism of their beliefs (especially over-the-top criticism like "comes from demons") by laughing and saying, "What an idiot, I'm not listening to them." Again, dismissing other people's views as idiotic isn't something I regularly endorse, but it's sometimes necessary for one's own sanity and certainly can be a form of strength.

But, screaming and sobbing and texting your mom and close friends as if you're in an urgent crisis is another thing altogether. It's something I can be sympathetic about and hope that the person in question gets support in coping with such events, but in no way whatsoever is this a sign of strength -- I think one has to bend over backwards and distort the very meaning of the word to claim that it is.

Her post as usual was met with dozens of hero-worshippy comments from among her hundreds of fawning (mostly white) admirers, which thanked her for how strong and inspiring she was in the face of such "trauma" and, most strikingly, "I love that you ripped it apart!!!! You are powerful <3<3<3<3". I'm sorry, because I know this makes me kind of sound like an ass, but outside of some very different particular circumstances I just can't see physically destroying an inanimate object (that one just received and didn't want) as brave or tough or powerful.

And I didn't mean the quotes around the word "trauma" above as scare quotes: it can be traumatic to have someone who's supposed to be close to you say, in the form of a "gift", that something you believe in is demonic if that belief is something (like a religion) that you hold as close to your heart and sense of being as this acquaintance apparently holds CRT. But -- as I've said before, and I'm saying again -- one's capacity to be traumatized is not itself strength or agency; in my view, the people who call it that are confusing it with the strength in being able to cope and stand upright and treat others well despite being traumatized.

That's essentially a big part of my beef with very one-sided "vulnerability is strength" narratives.