#one of my cats is even a pirate cat without eyepatch

[thelastunicornflipouts]

The kids at the women's shelter had been wreaking havoc for the entirety of my shift, breaking bookshelves and throwing books around, almost hurting themselves and forcing me to catch one of them mid-air.

Two of the women quarrelled furiously, then one had an emotional breakdown and told us some pretty heavy stuff.

Another woman decided to go back home because "he promised me he has changed!" after just three days since she came. Her eldest son (5yo) came to bid me farewell jumped in my arms and stayed with me until it was time to leave. We have played together only two times.

Three of my closest friends are dealing with a lot of shit and I have been trying to make sure they are okay throughout my shift with messages and calls.

Me, as soon as I have gotten home 30 minutes ago:

[celestialarchon]

400+ Followers Celebration!

various genshin impact x f!reader

warnings: fluff/crack/NSFW implications, jokes and innuendos. reverse Isekai storyline and a LOT of attention on reader. SPOILERS FOR IN GAME. Archon spoilers!

As much as you tried, connecting and staying in reality was too hard. It was always the same outcome, finding yourself whisked away to another fantasy land through media. Normally your obsessions didn’t last long, but one game had completely sucked you in. Maybe it was the stress of the nightmare year 2020 or maybe it was the fact that Genshin Impact was everything you loved and more, but you couldn’t get enough. It was getting out of hand as even your roommates had began to play because of the way you romanticized the game. Acquiring most of the five star characters, building several strong teams, and finishing almost all the quests in roughly 5 months.

As an insomniac, it was easy to grind through the game until the sun came up. Sometimes you wondered if it was strange that an adult would be so enamored with a game but shrugged it off. It’d been a hellish year, you deserved to treat yourself.

Yet another night spent entirely on the dreamy land of Teyvat. You yawned and stretched as the sun peaked through the blinds and cursed yourself for not noticing the passing time. Removing your head set, you yawned again, feeling a wave of drowsiness wash over you. It was strange, you’d only been up one night and you were already so tired. Your home was quiet, all the roommates sound asleep as you crept into your bed under the covers. The stuffie you adored so much was soon in your arms as you drifted off, wishing to dream of traveling the world of Teyvat.

An extremely loud crashing sound woke you from your deep sleep. Instinctively you shot up, your arm moved on its own aiming for the space around you and swinging quickly and forcefully. Your fist made contact with something and you shrieked as the strange shadow crumpled. You flew out of your bed and away from the safety of your covers, grasping for the light switch.

Your panicked screeches only grew louder as the figure on the floor groaned and stood upright, still fumbling for the lights. Fingertips finally brushed the switch on the wall and you flipped the lights on. The sudden brightness blinded you for a minute and the mystery person as well. It hit you how stupid it was to turn on the lights in your room as soon as your eyes adjusted. Adrenaline was pumping through your veins as you rushed to the door. You could hear heavy footsteps from the other room. Other people were home you needed to get to them.

“Shiiiiit,” The strange person groaned again, “I drank too much.”

The voice was familiar and made you freeze for a moment. Mentally slapping yourself you darted out of your room but ran straight into a wall. Well, that’s what it felt like, but there wasn’t a wall outside your door. The force of the collision knocked you on your ass and you yelped as you hit the floor.

“Oh? What’s this?” The supposed wall turned to look at you, eyebrows arched as he stared down at you.

Your jaw nearly hit the floor as you looked up at the familiar man. That smooth voice, the long hair, the eyepatch. This had to be some sort of weird dream. No matter how hard you tried to move, your body wouldn’t obey. You heard steps from behind you and glanced back to see another Mondstadt troublemaker. A disgruntled anemo archon was slowly approaching you.

“Ehe, fuck, she hit me hard.” Venti giggled nervously.

“Poor thing,” Kaeya held his hand out to you, “Did the mean little twink scare you?”

The room was spinning, so you took the cryo pirate’s hand. Your jaw was probably still on the floor. His grip was strong and cool, it was bringing you back down to the reality of the situation you were in. Oh, the irony. You were not dreaming. Awestruck, you peered behind Kaeya into your living room to see even more Genshin characters just vibing. The esteemed geo archon was drinking from your favorite mug, two troublesome harbingers bickered in the corner of the room, a certain librarian was flipping through your books, both travelers were attempting to learn how to play uno. It was unreal. A pirate was flirting with a silver haired beauty.There was an astrologist examining your fish tank, an alchemist and a child terrorist asleep on your floor, and a fucking adeptus perched on your couch like a gargoyle.

Your roommates were nowhere in sight and your home was crowded by your fictional lovers. The absolute chaos of it all sent you over the edge. High pitched, clearly unstable laughter erupted from you. What else could you do? Cry? That wouldn’t change anything. All eyes shifted to you as you leaned on the wall, clutching your abdomen and giggling like a madwoman. Kaeya shifted away from you, allowing the others to get a good look at you.

Finally composing yourself, you stood up straight and introduced yourself, “Hello, why are you invading my home?”

“Hey girlie! I’m Childe,” The cheery harbinger nearly skipped up to you shaking your hand, “but you can call me daddy.”

Your face reddened at his bold introduction but you clicked your tongue avoiding his eyes.

“Hello, cutie. I’m Lisa.”

“Albedo, and this is Klee.”

“I tend to go by Zhongli.”

“Beidou! The lovely lady by my side is Ningguang.”

“Adeptus Xiao.”

They all introduced themselves so politely, you almost felt bad for acting a bit crazy. However, that feeling was quickly swept away by Kaeya and his sharp tongue.

“Kaeya, but I believe you already know that,” he smirked at you, “May I ask why you aren’t wearing any pants?”

“Oi, what?” You looked down and gasped.

Venti’s drunk ass had sent you into fight and flight mode so you had forgotten all about your night time attire. You were in an oversized Genshin Impact shirt without any pants on. Shoving Venti out of your way, you rushed to your room to dig for pants. Oh, how you wished you hadn’t forgotten about laundry. You hastily grabbed a pair of shorts that really didn’t do much except cover your underwear.

“I have shorts on now. You just can’t tell because of my shirt.” You declared entering the living room.

Some of the more promiscuous characters giggled at your embarrassment while Zhongli facepalmed and the most serious of them all, Scaramouche and Xiao, simply scowled. You sat on the end of your couch furthest from everybody else, nervous. Nobody had answered your earlier question. Apparently your discomfort was lost on the Adeptus Xiao, or he just didn’t care. He was in front of you in a flash, pinching your face and glaring at you.

“Why did you call us here you foolish mortal?” His tone was more annoyed than murderous.

Zhongli slapped Xiao’s hands away from your face and sat down next to you, “Be nice. She doesn’t know either.”

You nodded at this, and the room erupted in murmurs. Zhongli slipped his arm around you, patting your shoulder sympathetically. Lumine tossed the Uno cards down and glided to you, taking strands of your hair into her hands and beginning to play with it. Perhaps it’s because you played as both the travelers but the three of you seemed to silently click. Scaramouche and Childe began to argue again about something silly. Out of the corner of your eye you saw a certain bard and the charming Sir Kaeya raiding your liquor cabinet.

It was too overwhelming to argue. Lumine took her time playing with your hair while the others attempted to figure out how to go back to their own world. Xiao crept closer to you, truly like a cat. Beidou and Ningguang fawned over you and invited you into their relationship several times. You politely declined, knowing they’d have to go back to their world. It was disappointing and a bit frustrating.

Your wish came true but it was too good to be true. Albedo seemed to notice your silence. He gently maneuvered his adorable little sister off of him and approached you. His eyes were filled with curiosity, your silence only made his thoughts wander further.

“Can I experiment on you?” Albedo was blunt.

“Huh?” You blinked, unsure if you heard him correctly.

“I’m not sure if that was brave or stupid,” Childe snickered, “Has he always been this bold?”

“Tch,” Scaramouche rolled his eyes, “Thats a terrible pick up line, mad scientist.”

“Leave my cutie alone!” Lisa yanked Albedo away from you defensively.

The room was filled with protest at Lisa’s words. Zhongli merely sighed and pulled you closer. Venti’s dumb ass was floating around your living room hiccuping. Xiao was wedging himself between you and the arm of the couch. It was insane. Beidou and Ningguang noticed the two Liyue men snuggling up to you and marched over to the three of you.

Ningguang tried to pull you away from them while Beidou aggressively smacked at Xiao. Xiao was hissing at the beautiful captain and Zhongli was attempting to intervene. You shoved them out of your way and stood up, panicked by the attention. Lisa caught you as you tripped over your own feet but landed face first into her chest. She stroked your hair but was interrupted by Albedo grabbing your wrist and mumbling about experiments. The single moment Childe and Scaramouche got along was to pull you from Albedo but it became a quick tug of war over you.

Somehow, Klee was still asleep and Kaeya was just watching all of it go down.

“Cheeeeeeeeers, bitch bitches,” The Knight slurred.

“Enough.” Lumine and Aether both intervened.

Aether held his hand out to you, “You don’t have to pick now, but please say you’ll come with us?”

“You belong in Teyvat,” Lumine smiled at you warmly.

“So,” Aether continued “What do you say, outlander?”

All eyes were on you as the words left Aether’s lips. What would you do?

[watevermelon]

Same Old Love | Kaeya (Genshin) x Traveler!Reader

✧ Summary: Kaeya was mysterious in every way that made you wary. From the gleam in his eye to how easy it was for him to flirt, it made you wonder how much he was presenting was truly real. Not wanting to get sucked in, you swore not to fall for the Cavalry Captain. At least, that was the plan, right? ➳ Notes: Angst with a happy ending ➳ A/N: Thank you so much for the ask!! This was fun to write ((I feel like I write so much angsty/jealousy fics haha)) I’m just getting into genshin and so please feel free to send in requests for these cuties <3 @breathings-of-the-heart​

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You had some worries about Kaeya, dubbed “The Handsome Mr. Kaeya” by Paimon.

There was no doubt that he was attractive, his ever present smirk and exposed chest was enough to signify to anyone that even Kaeya was well aware of his looks. But he tended to wield his words like a double edged sword - using his words for an express purpose.

It was admirable, in a way. He was the loyal Cavalry Captain who looked out for Mondstadt’s best interest. And while he had misled you on this pirate treasure adventure, there was no harm really done. In fact, from the way he prattled about haircuts and eyepatches inherited from his parents, you were already sure that it was simply a tale being spun for Paimon to latch onto.

At the end of the day, Kaeya still compensated you for your time and provided you with a higher-level weapon. The criminals were caught and the Knights were credited for another arrest of an infamous Treasure Hunter. It was a win-win situation that you very quickly put behind you as another job done.

The entire quest had not really bothered you - it was not like you had not withheld anything either. You ran from clue to clue without updating Kaeya on your progress, with the express intent of snagging some of this treasure yourself.

It was a really smart move on his part and, for whatever reason, it had the inverse effect on you - it made you want to get closer to Kaeya.

Paimon grumbled for all of a day before she prattled onto something new, complaining about the returning ruin guard by the temple or the way Venti sassed her. But you often found yourself hanging around Good Hunter or  Angel’s Share, wondering if you would be able to run into him again.

It was no surprise that Kaeya was always busy, Jean had mentioned before that Kaeya was the one who often wrapped up every physical incident that occurred in both the city and outer plains of Mondstadt.

And so it was easy to lose track of him, the image of Kaeya still present in your mind, just pushed back in the further recess as you continued in your struggle to find clues about your brother. When whispers on the street spoke of a Dark Knight hero, you were pleasantly surprised to see Diluc patrolling the streets from the shadows.

The last thing you had expected was to team-up with the very man who ran opposite to the Knights, but you learned how oddly sweet Diluc was in that short amount of time. His double life of fighting off the abyss army single-handedly to running the largest Winery on the continent - Diluc’s workload was no easy feat.

You were just out of the clear, Huffman gone to deal with the slimes when a resounding clap started from the dining area of the bar. Kaeya stood and approached you both, you turned to Diluc and he had the flattest, most unimpressed expression on.

You stood mostly silent in that conversation, Diluc with his arms and chin held high. Kaeya had reassured him that the secret was best kept that way, eyes glinting mischievously as they went from the winery owner to you.

You only stared right back, as if Kaeya’s face would give off exactly what he was looking for. Instead, he simply smiled at the both of you and left when Diluc said he was closing the bar. Diluc thanked you for your assistance, reassuring you that in case you need help, he was a willing hand.

When you walked out the bar then, Kaeya was still right outside, chatting casually with some of the late bar-goers that sat at the picnic table. Just as he made eye-contact with you, he bid himself goodbye from the group and fell into step with you.

“Paimon doesn’t trust blue-haired, eye-patched men anymore.” She started next to you.

“That’s good I’m a blue-haired, eye-patched handsome young man.” Kaeya shot back, to which she rolled her eyes. He then turned to you with the same open smirk as usual, “And here I was thinking I could make you my assistant.”

Was he flirting with you?

It took you a second to question this internally before Paimon scoffed, “Ugh, I’m going ahead to the inn. I don’t think I can stand watching you make kissy-faces at each other after the day we had.”

You waved a hand in her direction to smack her, but she was already flying away up and out of reach.

Turning back to the Captain, you were surprised to see that Kaeya was still looking at you, not even toward Paimon as she fled into the night.

Remembering his last statement, you shot back, “Think you could handle me?”

“Confidence, it looks very good on you.” Kaeya replied as his smile widened. He took a single step closer, lowering his voice next to your ear and continuing. “But the real question is if you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?”

You stood your ground, ignoring the shiver that ran up your spine, “I always like to try new things.”

“I look forward to it.” Kaeya straightened, lightly grabbing your hand in one of his own and raising it to his lips. “Until then, traveler.”

To think that such a simple action, hardly anything scandalous, had lingered on your skin the entire night. You remembered the way his lips felt against your hand, how striking his blue eyes bore into your own. Kaeya was extremely dangerous, able to catch your attention and keep it for hours on end.

The next day you had a commission about dismantling a rising Hilichurl camp, a perfect distraction away from the eye-patched hunk that kept plaguing your thoughts. The last thing you expected was for Kaeya to see you.

“Looks like our honorary knight continues their do-good streak.”

“It’s the least I can do.” You replied back, a sassy hand on your waist.

“Why don’t I accompany you?”

You wanted to scream.

Paimon actually did groan before stating she was going to stay in the city.

And suddenly, your distraction was running exactly opposite to your intention. With Kaeya joining your party, the Cavalry Captain was making himself decidedly known you.

He led you around a cliff, showing you a higher area where you could survey the camp before bursting in guns blazing. There were six Hilichurls, some slimes scattered about and two towers already set-up in this enemy campsite.

You decided to stick together, coming in from the high ground and slamming your weapon into the ground at unsuspecting enemies. It felt nice to fight alongside someone again, oftentimes you were alone in your adventures. Paimon would yell words of encouragement, but never would she actually lift a finger to fight. But Kaeya was reliable, freezing enemies into place and shattering them where they stood.

Taking down some of the outer-rim electro Hilichurls equipped with bows, you were nearly finished with clearing the entire camp. You grabbed the pyro slimes and exploded them near the towers, taking down the camp with them. With the camp almost completely disassembled, you heard the tell-tale electronic power-up that only signified one enemy.

A ruin guard.

Hunched over, you watched as multiple missiles took aim on the nearby unsuspecting Cavalry Captain. Running the best you could, you threw decorum out the window as you all but tackled the poor man out of harm's way.

Rolling a few times, there was no surprised yelp from the man beneath you. He simply allowed you to take the wheel until you came to a stop, hovering over his body. Kaeya was undoubtedly taller than you, but you were face-to-face as he smirked beneath you.

“Wow, not that I’m against this.” Kaeya started, a quip ready. “But ask me out to dinner first.”

You flushed and stood up immediately, “I was saving you!”

“I’ll let you save me any day of the week.” Kaeya replied, earning a half-assed scowl on your behalf. He only laughed at you, calling your attempted look of intimidation only served to make a cute pout instead.

You huffed and considered leaving him with the ruin guard.

From then on there was no doubt about it - Kaeya was flirting with you.

And you were openly flirting back, if of course he decided a less obnoxious moment. In between commissions and nights at Angel’s Share, Kaeya flirtations were growing more and more brazen. It was one thing to kiss the top of your hand in greeting and another entirely for Kaeya to throw his hand across your hair, leaning in to openly bury his nose in your hair.

Diluc called you both disgusting.

Tonight, you entered Cat Tail’s semi-inconspicuously to get a drink. Paimon had long caught onto your game, saying that she surprisingly approved of Kaeya, since after all he was still a good guy in some ways.

But, she still was not exactly a fan of you too making “kissy-faces” at each other, her words. And so tonight you were flying solo, Paimon opting to annoy Amber instead tonight as they tracked down some abyss mage or other.

You tried your best to hang around the bar, looking around the tavern to see if the object of your desire was anywhere around. You meandered for a few minutes, saying greetings to other bargoers that had recognized you, before approaching the bartender if Kaeya has been around

The bartender recognized you immediately. It was hard not to place one of the few new people in Mondstadt, especially one that was crushing much of the country's enemies. Diona had mentioned before that you were a friend of Diluc’s, often more than just a customer at the rival tavern. No, you were seen running around the city with the red-head at random times.

She said the worst thing you could have ever suspected.

“I think Kaeya has a hot date tonight.”

You felt a lump in your throat form, but tried to keep your response guarded. “Oh?”

The bartender continued, “Yeah, I’m not sure if it was Paula? Or Maggie tonight? But you know the captain - always changing up his escapades.”

“Right, of course.” You replied back, words coming out before you could even register it. Instead, you kept on nursing your drink, spiteful words from the bartender marinating in your mind.

Kaeya was mysterious, yes. But was he leading you on?

… Was it right of you to trust him?

The first red flag should have been the fact that you knew nearly nothing about him personally. To think that you had spent all this time together talking and fighting alongside one another, but you could not even recall basic facts about him, let alone anything deep. You were unaware of his family history - Diluc was his brother, but it was the red-head who ended up confiding that fact to you.

Kaeya was so charming that you hadn’t even noticed he shut you out of his world.

And so there was no point in actively keeping a one-sided friendship like that. From then forth, you resolved to avoid the Cavalry Captain for the time being. You knew you had to free Dvalin together, but that did not mean you had to swoon for him in your free time.

It was almost expected of you to join him on Friday nights at Angel’s Share, but tonight you were missing. Neither Charles nor Diluc had seen you the entire day. There were probably a hundred different things you were doing - gathering resources, fighting slimes - and so Kaeya thought little of it.

But he was still disappointed not to see your face that night.

And so he thought nothing was wrong the next day when he saw you in the city square, talking to someone at the general store. He approached you and offered to join your party again, take down some enemies somewhere out in the country.

You didn’t even smile at him.

Not this time.

Just a curt no before you were leaving out the city gates.

The second time Kaeya already had enough and confronted you before you could even attempt to walk away.

He grabbed at your elbow, “Have you finally grown tired of me?”

You pulled it back, no real strength behind it as Kaeya still held you under his grip. “Kaeya, why is it that you keep reaching out to me? I have nothing of my own to offer - no money, no family - there is nothing left I can give you.”

He frowned in response but grabbed at your other hand, “I haven’t asked you for anything, have I?”

You looked away, “You don’t have to! It’s inherent, after all. Isn’t that why you asked me to team-up in the first place, to use me to find your criminals?”

Kaeya mentally recoiled, “Woah, back up. I may have guided you regarding the treasure but never have I maliciously led you on.”

You pulled at your hands to no avail, this time the captain actively trying to keep your attention on him. 

“I just! I thought I meant something more to you, Kaeya.”

He smiled and tried to pull you into his chest, but you shoved off his touch this time fully.

“No! You can’t just hug me and think everything is okay. You’re supposed to be one of the good guys, one of the handful of people I can trust in Mondstadt and I know nothing about you.”

Kaeya did not reach for your hands, instead moving to stand in front of you. “I’m sorry that I hold my secrets close to my chest, but that’s what I’m used to.”

Frustrated, you replied. “Don’t you get tired? Holding the people that love you at an arm's length?”

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, this time reaching for you. “I’m sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t special. Trust me, you’re the only one I’ve had eyes on ever since you landed here in Mondstadt.”

You shook your head, “But the bartender, she said -”

“Who cares what she said?” Kaeya interrupted, “They know village gossip, but they don’t know me or you.”

“I don’t really know you.” You replied.

Kaeya caressed the side of your cheek before lightly gently grabbing your hand again, “Then let’s start.”

With a hesitant smile, you closed your eyes and nodded.

“Okay.”

You had your doubts then and it’s not like an issue of trust was fixed overnight. But, to his credit, Kaeya tried as best he could. Instead of meeting randomly at the bar, he would approach you sometime during the day and set-up a date. How he knew where you were was a mystery, but a man with that many connections surely had a way.

He had no qualms about holding your hand or openly kissing your cheek in the presence of others - proclaiming loudly to one and all in Mondstadt that you were his and he was yours.

Taking your first argument to heart, Kaeya was very keen on communication. Anything you were unsure of, he expressed that he was by no means rushing you. And when you finally shared your first kiss, for once not a single soul in front of the Lord Barbatos statue, you leaned into his touch to get many more.

Kaeya made good on his promise, slowly letting you into his world in kind. You remembered one night as the both of you sat on the edge of Mondstadt, nothing but ocean for miles in front of you. You had your head on his shoulder, describing your adventures with your brother and how you missed having family.  

Kaeya had a gentle hand in your hair, rubbing soothing circles as you recalled a time long ago. Once your story finished, you two continued to stare out, wondering what the future could hold as your minds swam in an endless sea of thoughts.

He broke the silence.

“I miss my brother also.”

Diluc was not always his estranged brother, but once a friend, supporter, and sounding board. Some even mistook them as truly twins in heart and mind, defending Mondstadt and having each other’s backs for years. The Diluc you had come to know was a shell of his old self, close friends and past hidden behind years of repressed feelings.

There was no doubt wistfulness in Kaeya’s eyes as he recalled the past to you, but you continued to listen quietly. 

Your relationship with the Cavalry Captain was hardly easy. Often responsibilities called you both - Kaeya was highly stationed in Mondstadt while you still had seven other countries to visit. But that did not mean the end for you both. Even when you were thousands of miles away or sat atop the highest mountain without a clue to where he was, you cherished the thought that you still shared the same sky with the love of your life.

No matter where you were in Teyvat, you had Kaeya to return to.

[ikeromantic]

First Day

This is an Ikemen Sengoku coffee shop AU. Approx 1700 words. Nobunaga, the owner of Azuchi Cafe, hires a girl to work in his coffee shop alongside his other oddball employees.

Pastry Chef and little rain cloud: Ieyasu Tokugawa

Head Chef and irredeemable flirt: Masamune Date

Dining Room Manager and rule-master: Hideyoshi Toyotomi

Barista and most popular kid in your class: Ranmaru Mori

Barista and coffee disaster: Mitsunari Ishida

Accountant and walking bad-boy vibe: Mitsuhide Akechi

I have never written a coffee shop AU and I have no idea what I'm doing.

Nobunaga unlocked the back door at 3am. It was so early most people would still call it night, but he enjoyed the peace and quiet at this hour. As if he were the sole living human in a world of stray cats and blinking traffic lights.

He flipped on the lights and began morning prep. As the owner of Azuchi Cafe, he didn’t need to be the shop opener, but he was the kind of man who’d never ask his employees to do something he wouldn’t do himself. This meant he often worked from opening until close, cleaning the kitchen at 10pm. It was something he was proud of, even if it was exhausting some days.

Ieyasu arrived a few minutes later, along with the morning shipment. Fresh fruit, cream, some new coffee bean varieties, and other items he stocked daily. The blond was quiet as he helped unload. Not a morning person, not by a longshot.

Once the crates were inside, Ieyasu made a beeline for the espresso machine and had two cups on the counter before Nobunaga completed his inventory check.

The blond downed both cups and then got started in the kitchen. He was too smart for a cafe job - easily one of the best bakers Nobunaga had ever met. And this cafe was blessed with two, though the other man was a polar opposite of the silent, serious Ieyasu Tokugawa.

As if thinking of him summoned him, the back door swung open and in swaggered Masamune. “Good morning!” His voice was loud and vibrant, as always. He never needed caffeine to feel awake - Masamune was naturally caffeinated.

“D’you have to be so loud?” Ieyasu glared.

“Do you have to be such a grouch?” Masamune raised his one eyebrow. His other eye was covered with a pirate-style eyepatch. The look wasn’t just for effect. He’d lost his left eye to a childhood illness, but that hadn’t dampened his spirit or enthusiasm.

Ieyasu held up a dough covered middle finger in response and went back to making croissants.

Masamune put a hand to his heart. “Such cruelty.”

“Stop bickering and start cooking.” Nobunaga tried to sound stern but couldn’t help the little smile on his lips.

The two of them did, though the grumbling and sniping never really stopped.

While Ieyasu handled bakery items, Masamune was in charge of the grill. Hot sandwiches, soups, and whatever else he decided to put on the menu. Nobunaga had given up trying to restrain him. The man was a genius cook, and whatever he made sold, so it made sense to give him his head.

Akechi showed up next. Mitsuhide was an accountant by trade, with a law degree besides. He didn’t technically work at the shop, but he did the books and didn’t charge much for the work. Nobunaga wasn’t sure why he spent so much time at the cafe, but he’d become a fixture. Showing up before opening to do Azuchi’s books and then sitting in the dining area, working on his laptop for hours.

“Anything I should know about,” Nobunaga called, before Mitsuhide disappeared into the cafe office.

“If there was, I’d tell you. Probably.” Mitsuhide gave him his trademark smile, sly like a fox.

“It’s that probably that worries me.” Nobunaga frowned. He didn’t actually believe Mitsuhide would sabotage him. Not after so many years as a client. But with that man, you never quite knew where you stood.

Akechi shrugged. “I can’t think of a reason not to - but you never know.” He disappeared into the office, and soon the only sound from that room was the clacking of a keyboard.

The sky to the east was beginning to lighten, the stars fading from view. It would be time to open soon. As if on cue, Mitsunari showed up with Ranmaru in tow. They were the baristas, taking orders, making coffee, and serving the sit-down diners.

“Isn’t it a beautiful morning?” Mitsunari said this to Ieyasu’s back as he passed him.

The blond snorted. “It looks like every morning. Literally, exactly the same.”

“And every morning is beautiful.” Mitsunari Ishida smiled. “I am so lucky to work with such wonderful people. It will be a great day. I can feel it.”

Ranmaru laughed. “Absolutely. Just ignore old grumble-pants here. We are going to have an awesome day.”

“I am not old,” Ieyasu snapped.

“You are compared to me!” Ranmaru was the youngest in the crew, and he liked to remind the others about it.

“That’s enough. Get up to the front and prep the display. Both of you.” Nobunaga pointed toward the front counter.

Ranmaru gave him a pouty look, but did as he was told. Despite his penchant for causing trouble in the kitchen, he was great with customers, and pretty reliable.

Mitsunari didn’t seem to realize he’d been in the middle of the bickering. He just smiled and followed Ranmaru to the front.

That one, Nobunaga thought, was dangerous. At first impression, Mitsunari Ishida seemed like an airhead. Cheerful to the point of being vapid, and clumsy as well. But he could take orders faster than anyone else, remember which customer had which preference, and quote the menu without a glance at the board on the wall. He was great, so long as you didn’t ask him to pour the coffee.

At opening, Hideyoshi finally sidled in. He was the dining room manager, in charge of the servers, and everything on the front end. Nobunaga trusted him implicitly. Most cafe owners had to worry about theft and inattention from their cash-handling employees, but not him. Not with Hideyoshi Toyotomi at the counter. That man was a veritable saint, if sometimes a little melodramatic about his service.

“I know you told me I didn’t need to be here until 10, since you open. But I couldn’t let you handle everything alone.” Hideyoshi’s version of ‘good morning’ as he tied his apron on.

Nobunaga sighed. “You are my closing manager, Hideyoshi. You’re going to be stuck here until 10 or 11 tonight . . . and you realize, I do have employees here, helping, right?”

Toyotomi nodded. “Sure, sure. But extra hands always help with morning rush, right?”

“Right. And that’s why I have a new hire coming in at 8.” Nobunaga sighed.

“A new hire?” Mitsunari’s violet gaze lit up. “Will I get to train them?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Ieyasu grumbled. “We want them to make coffee, not learn how to dump the pot on the floor.”

“Stop being so mean,” Ranmaru sniped back, defending Mitsunari.

“Hey, hey! The new employee isn’t gonna get trained by any of you. Clearly, the boss is going to put them with me. To pass on my culinary genius.” Masamune’s one eye sparkled.

“No, no, and absolutely not,” Nobunaga said, raising his voice. “Hideyoshi and I are going to train them. If the lot of you don’t terrify them into quitting on their first day.”

And that was the end of that discussion. It was 5am and the door opened. The steady stream of customers kept everyone busy for the next few hours. Lattes and cappuccinos, americanos and macchiatos, and decaf for those in denial. The flow began to slack as 8am approached. Most people were at work now, coffee in hand.

Clean-up started in the kitchen, and Hideyoshi began on the dining room.

The glass front door opened at 8am sharp. The new hire walked in. This wasn’t Nobunaga’s first time meeting her, but he still felt a twang in his chest as she smiled brightly at no one in particular.

“I hope I’m not late!”

Hideyoshi eyed her up and down, nodding to himself. Flat shoes, cute but practical. Hair pulled back sensibly - stylish, but not overdone. Professional clothes, fitted and comfortable. He hadn’t been part of the interview but he was feeling pretty positive about this candidate. He gave Nobunaga a nod.

“No, you’re right on time,” Mitsunari replied, leaning on the counter. His angelic smile was fixed on her.

The impact was obvious. One did not face the pure, focused joy of Mitsunari and not feel it. She blinked for a moment, stunned, her cheeks flushing. “Oh. Well that’s good, right?”

“Sure is,” Ranmaru said, coming around the side of the bakery display. He wiped his hands on his apron and held one out to her. “Welcome to Azuchi!”

“Hey, that’s my line,” Nobunaga grumbled.

“Yeah, but I’m cuter when I say it.” Ranmaru’s cheek reply got a chuckle from Masamune.

The one-eyed chef came out from the kitchen to observe. He wasn’t looking for whatever qualities Hideyoshi had, but what he saw made him grin. “Well, lass, I’d say welcome again but that’d make me look like an idiot. How ‘bout I help you put on an apron and show you around the place?”

“Again, my line,” Nobunaga said tiredly.

Ieyasu poked his head out from the back and sighed heavily. “Great. Another fluff head to train. Look, when you get bored listening to these idiots, come find me in the kitchen. I’ll try to teach you to bake. I’m sure you can manage a simple recipe. Probably.”

The girl looked unsure how to respond. She finally shrugged. “Yeah, ok! I’m here to work, so whatever you want to teach me, I want to learn.”

“You’d be better off learning how to keep the books,” said an amused voice behind Ieyasu.

The girl’s eyes darted up as Mitsuhide came out from the back. “Not that I’m hiring. I don’t do internships either,” he continued. He stepped out from behind the counter and closed in on her like a stalking cat. His golden eyes slid down from her face, over her chest and hips, down her legs, and back up, slow as syrup. “Though I can think of some reasons to make an exception.” He handed her a business card. “For when you tire of this service job.”

“Ah, thanks?” She glanced at the card and by the time she looked up again he was gone.

“Everyone, get back to work. I’m handling the new hire. You’ll all get a chance to train with her. I want her to work swing, so she’ll need to know a little of everything.” Nobunaga clapped once.

The workers all got back to it, though not without plenty of backward glances.

Hideyoshi handed the girl an apron. “Good luck!”

[dfcfanfics]

Two Kits That Pass In The Night: Halloween Miraculous Fanfic (One-shot, complete)

Greetings! I am continuing to attempt to restart my creative juices and finally finish that one story... so here's another new one in the meantime.

At a Halloween costume party for her father's merchant's association, Marinette is the very model of adorable femininity in a handmade kitten costume. But she is without company her own age, and bored... until a mysterious blond pirate appears, catching her attention and keeping her guessing.

Is this Chat Noir's normal self... or is it Adrien? It certainly couldn't be... both...?

One-shot, complete. Halloween special. The dance floor awaits... as does a cozy, private spot just outside.

Two Kits That Pass In The Night on FFN / AO3

A teaser...

Adrien wasn't sure how Marinette would react to his revelation [of a cat-eared headband underneath his pirate hat]... but a facepalm and laughter was probably not it.

"Chat Noir!" she half-hissed, half-giggled. "Sit down and put that hat back on, already! People might notice!"

With a grin, Adrien replaced his hat atop his head and sat down next to Marinette at the table.

I wasn't completely sure which way she would recognize me, he mused to himself. It's easier to explain what Chat is doing here than Adrien, so I figured that adding cat aspects to the costume might tip her in that direction...

...not that I would've complained if she'd seen me as me, though. And if I play my cards right tonight, I can have lots of fun with this!

Briefly, Marinette's smile faded a bit. "...Wait. You're not in here because there's trouble, are you? I don't have my phone on me. Is there an Akuma?"

Adrien marveled as he watched Marinette's sense of alertness kick in, as if she was analyzing her surroundings, verifying every exit, looking for signs of danger...

I have GOT to get Ladybug to give Marinette another Miraculous, he told himself. She's such a natural for what we do!

"No, nothing like that. As far as I know, anyway," he reassured her.

"Then... what are you doing here?" she wondered. "And how did you even find me?"

"Well... let's say that a friend of a friend of a friend dropped a hint where you might be, and that you might be feeling a little bored and lonely tonight... and we'll leave it at that," Adrien grinned. "And you seem awfully sure of your facts."

"What, that you're Chat Noir? I think that's pretty obvious," Marinette countered. "A friendly, sneaky, goofy blond with cat ears who knows me. With green... eyes?"

She peered closely at the mask.. and saw a green eye, but not one matching the oversized green eyes of Chat Noir. This eye was very normal, very human...

...and seemed very familiar to her.

"Allow me to dispose of this," Adrien smiled, removing the eyepatch and showing that his left eye was normal, as well. "You are too stunning tonight to view only halfway."

Lost in his gaze and her own sudden uncertainty, Marinette was silent.

"...Cat got your tongue?" he quipped.

'I don't... understand," breathed Marinette. "Who are you?"

"I am your humble companion tonight, Marinette," Adrien replied. "If you'll put up with me."

"I'm serious," she insisted. "You're... well, you move, you sound, you talk, you look like Chat Noir. But those aren't his eyes... not as Chat, at least! The eyes that I'm looking at now, they remind me so much of someone..."

"...Someone?"

Someone I'm in love with, thought Marinette.

"...someone else that I wouldn't expect to see here," she continued. "And someone... well... who's never said those kinds of things about me, like you've been saying now. Who... I don't know... if you are him, you don't seem like yourself tonight."

"Is that bad?" he wondered. "Isn't that what Halloween's all about, trying out something new for an evening?"

"N-no!" Marinette gasped. "No, it's... I don't know how to... I'm... auugh! I mean... of course you can hang around with me, if you want to," she backpedaled. "I'd love to have you here, whoever you are. I just don't know what to make of you yet."

"Then take your time," he smiled. "I'll give you lots of time tonight to figure me out. If you can."

"Do you mean to figure out who you really are... or what you're up to tonight?" Marinette smiled back.

He let his grin be his answer to that.

[shrike-nest]

D&D Character Ask Post

In Honor of D&D, Here are 100 Questions answered about my character Alistair. Done from a prompt reposted by @mechmech and @scatterpatter , and also gonna tag my DM @aerial-ace97

What Does He Smell like: Ozone, Sandalwood, Pine

Voice: A light baritone, sometimes slipping into a bit of a lit from his native island (similar to a Scottish brogue/Irish lit)

Motivator: Before he met his group? Power and Adrenaline. Now? Redemption.

Most embarrassing memory: (TW: Animal Death) He doesn’t really remember this as he was terribly drunk at the time, but he and his crew stopped in a city that held goats as a sacred animal. With a terribly “bright” idea, he wondered how far a goat could fly? Because goats fly. Throws the goat off of the third floor of a building. Then proceeds to have a not very respectful Coffin Dance-style funeral for said goat.

How does he react to pain: Lots of swearing and anger.

What does he wear: He wears dragon scale armor that has three deep gouges in it from where he was previously killed. A faded and slightly ragged admiral style coat on top, leather breeches, and give this man some high calf pirate boots. He also always wears a green headband to keep his hair back, and occasionally an eyepatch to hide his demonic eye.

Most positive relationship: In terms of character development, it might be Torvid, as Torvid inspires Alistair to be a better moral person. In terms of wholesomeness? His partner/hopefully soon fiancé, Atwater. Atwater was able to show Alistair that he can have positive love in his life, without having to fight so hard for it.

The weirdest thing he has ever eaten: Corren’s cooking

Sleep: He suffers from nightmares and now more recently night terrors. Because he technically doesn’t need to sleep from effects of his class, he often chooses not to. However, when he does sleep, he sleeps hard, snores lightly, and octopus cuddles anything in his bed.

Favorite food/ kinda food: He actually really loves a dish similar to pao de queijo (Brazillian Cheese Bread).

Most insecure about: His ability of being a leader.

Like to wear: He enjoys fairly tight fitting clothing to prevent too much flapping when he flies or moves around quickly.

How do they react to feelings of guilt: Denial and self doubt

React to betrayal: A very quick and violent anger that chills to a long lasting and cold hatred. He doesn’t forgive easily.

Greatest achievement: After being mutinied against by his former crew, being wanted and supported as a leader for his current adventuring party

Too little sleep: Pretty robotic, but he doesn’t get exhausted anymore or feel any physical effects of not getting sleep due to his class.

What are they like drunk: He’s a very cheerful and boisterous drunk. Makes and laughs at many jokes. Can fall into a melancholy pretty easily though if he thinks on certain thoughts too long. Deflects with humor!

Music likes: 80s hair band music, and 70s-80s rock.

Right or left-handed: Right handed

Fears: He’s claustrophobic, but also has a fear of being vulnerable and getting his heart broken again.

Favorite weather: Sunny Day with a slight chill.

Favorite color: He really likes blue.

Collect anything: Well technically he used to collect gold and other high priced artifacts. He doesn’t really collect anything anymore.

Hot or cold weather: This man controls the weather. He enjoys his thermostat of life to be at a nice 70 degrees F.

Eye color: His natural eye color is an emerald green. His left eye is a demon cat eye, with a gold iris and black sclera.

Race/ ethnicity: He’s a human in the world of Sekrezia, but in IRL, he’s probably northern UK.

Hair color: Ginger/Auburn, with some sun-bleached streaks in it.

Happy where they are currently: … Well his adopted sister and brother just died in the last game so nah. BUT- as kind of a whole, he’s happy to be where he is now as a person compared to how he used to be.

Morning person: Yup. He tends to wake with the sun if he sleeps, and once he’s awake- he’s awake.

Sunrise or sunset: He loves the sunset. It calms and amazes him that he survived another day.

Messy or organized: He’s messy. Kind of an ADHD procrastination kind of messy.

Pet peeves: Disloyalty, undeserved ego trips, other weather veins that mess with his control of the weather,

Objects of significant importance: O’Malley, his halberd. He earned his weapon when he became a captain, and it has saved his life numerous times after.

Least favorite food: After being stuck in a cave for over a year? Anything with mushrooms.

Least favorite color: He’s not a fan of dark reds or browns. Reminds him too much of dried blood. (oooh edgelord)

Least favorite smell: Cauterized Flesh, Rotting Fish

The last time they cried: Last game. But before that? When he found out that Torvid killed his father. Before before that? When Atwater died. Before before before that? When he woke up alone in the desert after the mutiny.

Were they with anyone when they cried: His party. His party and both sides of the war that was going on. And no one.

One time they got injured: He actually died in a fight with a dragon, not with the dragon, but with a bat crony of the dragon.

Scars: He’s got a scar in the shape of a jagged p on his right cheek, a claw scar from when his eye was gouged out, and he also has the marks from the bat crony when he died. Alistair also has lightning scars on his arms that led to minor nerve damage that occurred when he first was learning how to use his magic.

Mental health issues: ADHD, Depression, Anxiety

Bad habits: Lashing out when he doesn’t know how to process his emotions

Why might someone dislike him: … Lemme get the list. So if we ignore the fact that he used to be a feared sky pirate, earning the nickname “Orphaner of the Skies”… he can be a flippant asshole sometimes. He can often forget to stay in touch and update people on important topics. Also, some may dislike him because he insists on being their dad (*cough* CORREN *cough*)

Why might someone love him: Alistair is very loyal to those he trusts and he can often fall into caretaker type tendencies.

Believe in ghosts: Yeah. He’s seen them and fought them. Also dated one.

Anyone they would trust with their life: Mecha, Corren, Tristan, Atwater, Jerry, Mephistopheles, and Torvid.

Romantically interested in anyone: Atwater!

Dating/ Married: He is currently dating Atwater

Like surprises: Not really

Birthday: His weave day is in Summer, Sibelya 13th.

Celebrate their birthday: He used to. Doesn’t really anymore, mostly because he hasn’t had much reason to celebrate or the time.

Family: His parents are dead, but he still has his adopted aunt Imelda. He also views Tristan as his brother, Corren as his little brother, Mecha as his sister. Atwater is his romantic partner, and he is now the step father of Atwater’s child, Crestwell. He also is the adopted father of Liam (deceased) and Liam’s twin sister, Serana.

Close to their family: Yes

MBTI type: ENTP

Zodiac signs: His Sekrezian Sign is Xamatang, The Coming Storm

Hogwarts house: Gryffindor

Alignment; Chaotic Neutral but he’s steadily making his way towards Chaotic Good

Nightmares: Yes. Often about his ex, Ghost. He also has nightmares about losing those he considers family.

View on death: If it happens, it happens. Once someone is at peace, leave them be.

Something they always laugh at: Seeing his group smile and joke around.

When bored, what do they do: Fly, tinker with magic, practice magic, research magic.

Enjoy the outside: Very much so.

Accent: I can’t replicate it, but I imagine it’s somewhere between a Scottish and Irish accent. However it has faded as he hasn’t been home in a very long time.

Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, the first reaction: *Poke it*, *Look at it*, *Look around*… *Shrug*, My cake now.

If they knew they were going to die what would they do/ say: He would find his party, if he can- gives them hugs, and hopefully be able to die watching the sunset. “Find what makes you happy and hold on to it. You all deserve to have happiness in your lives.”

Feelings about sex: He likes it. He also has a pretty damn high libido.

Sexuality: Bisexual

Squeamish around blood: Somewhat. It makes him uncomfortable now because he’s scared that he likes the sight of it still.

Anything they find gross: Rotting bodies and decaying bodies.

TV trope: Father Figure, Tragic Backstory, Anti-Hero

Enjoy helping people: Yes, he finds it comforting, like a form of redemption.

Allergies: Minor shellfish allergy

Pet: Does Meph count as a pet? I mean, he usually hangs around Alistair as a cat.

Quick to anger: Depends on the situation, but yes.

How patient is he: Not very. He gets very jittery and anxious easily. He’s getting slightly better at that.

Good at cooking: Somewhat, he tends to overdo it on the spice.

Favorite insult:” It’s cute when you try.”

How do they act when happy: The biggest doofiest smile, and he can’t help but laugh occasionally.

What do they do when they learn about others’ fears: He keeps it secret, but tends to go out of his way to help them through it, or help them avoid their fears.

Trustworthy: If you earn his trust, yes. A million times in return.

Do they try to hide their emotions: If it benefits him? Yes. And he’s damn good at it. But if he feels it’s not necessary to do so, his heart is on his sleeve.

Exercise regularly: Yes. His constitution is ridiculous and so he often finds ways to keep up and improve his stamina and strength even further.

Comfortable with the way they look: Yeah. He can get a lil cocky about it. But this is a man who uses bar soap on his hair.

Features they find attractive on others: Eyes and hands.

Personalities they find attractive: He likes those that can keep up with him intellectually, but also on a wittier level as well. He really views self-confidence as attractive.

Do they like sweet foods: Yes.

Age: He just turned 42.

Tall or short: He’s 6’0”

Glasses or contacts: Nah

Consider herself attractive: Yup

Sense of humor: Sexual humor, dad jokes ftw, but can also throw in some dark and self-deprecating humor nowadays.

What mood are they in most often: Most recently, a sort of determined melancholia. But he used to be very self-assured, confident, and flippant.

What angers them: Child abuse, betrayal, hurting those he cares about.

Outlook on life: “Just keep going. Roll with the punches. Because that sun is going to rise again, and you’re going to get to try again, try something new, find something new.”

What makes them sad or depressed: Thinking of those he has lost, thinking of Ghost, falling into his own insecurities.

Greatest weakness: He often jumps into situations without thinking them through. He tends to be very “leap before he looks”

Greatest strength: His determination and resiliency

Something they regret: Losing contact with his crew and Imelda, not being a better leader in his eyes, his past of piracy, and in some ways- all his deals with Mephistopheles, even the one that granted him his magic.

Biggest accomplishment: Isn’t this the same as greatest achievement?

Favorite memory: Sitting by the campfire with his group and all of them laughing, joking, and smiling with each other. With the good ol occasional ribbing at Corren’s expense.

[littlelasagne]

Hi! I love BMO so much. I was wondering how you chose the halloween costumes for each of them. I think Levi going for the same costume each year was so in character lol. Looking forward for the next update!

Hi!

I tried to think of what everyone would do realistically on Halloween and what suited them, and made little backstories in my head to fit...

Mike - Big kid #1

Does couple costumes with Nanaba every year. There's always that one guy at Halloween who looks out of place in a costume but couldn't give a shit because they're having fun. A man as tall as Mike in a tight revealing Peter Pan costume is funny and brave. He loves it because Levi hates it.

Nanaba - Big kid #2

Usually picks the couple costume for herself and Mike. Some years, for het fictional couples, Nanaba likes to dress as the man and Mike as the woman. But this year Mike wanted to be Peter Pan so she was Tinkerbell to fit. I see her as very pixie-like in general (probably because of her haircut lol)

Hange - Big kid #3

Goes all out for Halloween every year. Spends too much money making extravagant costumes that she only wears once. Really enjoys being able to experiment with costumes and feels 100x more confident at Halloween than other holidays. Hange was channeling her heritage as Meg from Hercules and honestly she would make a sexy af drop dead gorgeous goddess statuesque Meg. Meg is her favourite disney princess, followed by Mulan, then Belle. Her mum made her dress up as Princess Jasmine when she was younger and Hange's hated Jasmine ever since.

Marie - Make Up Guru

Loves dressing up and playing with costume makeup, and will spend money on new costume make up every year. Likes couple costumes because they're sweet. Went all out to be Harley Quinn

Erwin - Indifferent

Does whatever Marie wants as he doesn't have time to put together a costume himself, let alone think about it. Is lucky to have her arrange everything for him. Let's Marie apply make up and do his hair. Doesn't care what he looks like. Thinks adults who dress up are adorable. He really loves getting to eat sweets at Halloween and goes to the supermarkets to buy discounted sweets when Halloween is over. I made him the Joker because of the ~vibes~. and so levi could call him a pyscho.

Levi - The Hater

He only dressed up one year on the advice of a counsellor (have fun with your friends, you might even enjoy it!!!). He googled 'vampire costume' because it's basic af. He copied the resulting image from Interview with the Vampire, but had no idea it was from a film. Enjoys shopping for suits, so he spent a fortune on the outfit. The concept of adult's dressing up pisses him off. He didn't understand why it made everyone so happy when he dressed up for the time. He cares enough about his friends to carry on dressing up every year, but not enough to buy a new costume. I just wanted an excuse to make him wear a cravat and frilly shirt cos its sexy af.

Nifa - The Inbetweener

Every year she gets torn between having an extravagant nerdy costume and a pretty costume. Usually goes for something in between, so Blossom from Powerpuff Girls.

Oyankonpon - Clueless #1

Thought Halloween was an American thing and assumed Hange was joking when she told him she was going to put cobwebs all over her flat. He bumped into Moblit in the stairwell before the party and was given a pirate eyepatch. Apparently, it was for his own good.

Moblit - Clueless #2/Sad Idiot

Only started dressing up for Halloween when he met Hange. He intended to dress up for the party but genuinely forgot. He picked up a pirates eyepatch and a pair of cat ears (as an emergency backup) from the petrol station for £1 each out of guilt and shame. Moblit bumped into Oyankopon in the stairwell and felt sorry for him. He knew Oyankopon would suffer Hange's wrath if he showed up without a costume, so he sacrificed himself and gave Oyankopon the eyepatch, leaving the cat ears for himself.

Oluo - Clueless #3/Hater

Dislikes Halloween and hadn't worn a costume since he was a kid but he overheard Nanaba and Petra discussing couple costumes at work and decided to surprise Petra. He had to google The Little Mermaid and was thrilled to see how low-effort Prince Eric was. He didn't know Levi was dressing up and would have gone to more effort if he knew. He was severely embarrassed when they laughed at him. it almost ruined the night but he got over it by drinking punch.

Petra - Fashionable Costumes Only

She's the type who doesn't mind dressing up with her friends, but doesn't get fully invested because it's a bit too silly and she wants to look good for instagram. Prefers to wear costume inspired outfits over full on costumes. Hence the low key Ariel.

[automated-life]

TW - s*icide indications, trauma, blood mention

Will it set me free...?

“Lately I've been feeling so ashamed… By these thoughts I'm hiding in my brain”

Sitting alone up top her ship, breeze flowing through her hair and letting it flow through, giving it flight. The null silence engulfs her. Knees up to her chest as a lonesome, ruby eye looks out over the horizon watching the waves sway gently and whistle. The lone girl up top her ship stares blankly, not a single emotion crosses her face as she is left alone with her thoughts and pain.

'Cause I've been holding them down but they twist me violently… I'm hanging by a thread tonight but this time I don't wanna be saved”

Metal arms wrapping the one flesh and one metal knee of the girl, holding them close to her chest and her chin resting upon them as she watches the waves. The sun setting slowly behind her, time ticking by and every moment is a moment alone. The girl sitting alone reliving over and over again in her head, the pain and suffering she has gone through. Letting it empower her mind and not doing a single thing to fight it, letting it take over.

“So let me fall, let me break Under everything unsaid Just let me die 'cause I can't take Living with what's in my head”

Tonight it was one of those nights. Her crew either fast asleep, in the process of getting ready for bed, or doing their own thing. It was the girls turn on look out watch for the night, which never ended up being a good thing. Being left alone with no one but your mind. Letting go of her knees, the girl grabbed the nearby blanket and draped it over her shoulders, wrapping it around her knees as she brought them back up to her chest and held them close with those metal limbs once more.

“If I surrender, surrender To the monsters in me If I surrender, surrender To the monsters in me Will it set me free?”

Those metal limbs are a constant reminder of the biggest regret the girl had. Letting power hungry men control, abuse and use her to get what they wanted and rip her of rights and the ability to be human. Lifting a hand slowly, she looked at the nooks, crannys and joints that made up the piece before her. Curling her fingers slowly, they creaked a little indicating they needed a little TLC, but the girl was too tired to do so. Opening her hand, she took another look at it. If this was flesh, would she be who she is today? Or would she be someone different? Would she have gone through what she did? And would she be wanting to end it all like she wants to right now?

“What's the point of holding on like this? When no one seems to care if I exist”

The last thing she remembers feeling… the last time she felt texture, firmness, weight.. Was picking up a wrench. It was hefty, top heavy, and cold too. Oh how she longed to be able to feel things again. Wanting to pet a cat and feel how soft their fur was, warm her hands up by a fire with her crew on those cold winter island nights. Holding hands with someone again, feeling the touch of skin, hair and even clothing she missed. Clenching her metal hand, she gripped to the blanket over her shoulders and pulled it over her body more to keep in the heat. Her eye closed as she began to imagine.

“There is no agony like being strong when no one knows you're sick So sick of hearing I should stay when I know I would never be missed”

A cheerful child she was. Bright, bubbly and very optimistic. The world, her oyster and her island allowed her to be who she wanted to be. With some many options and opportunities to be anything she wanted, it was no wonder the girl loved her home. Scientists, mechanics and researchers alike all loved her. The little girl prodigy they called her. Rising star in the world of cybernetics and being the islands first to break the barrier between human and robot technology and create it into one form. It was clear this girl was going to be one of the top, along the likes of Dr Vegapunk and his team.

“So let me fall, let me break Under everything unsaid Just let me die 'cause I can't take Living with what's in my head”

Blood… all she could see was blood. Sprawled out bodies of the ones who meant the most to her. The little girl froze in the moment as she stared at the scene before her… scared, horrified and intimidated, she didn’t know what to do. Out her trance broke the sound of a voice. A voice belonging to her mother. ‘Mama and papa love you Rhea… don’t ever forget’ then a thud. Opening her eye, the raven shuddered, remembering that particular memory. It was a recurring nightmare leaving her with sleepless nights and tearful mornings. The scar across her stomach, a constant reminder of her failure to save them...

“If I surrender, surrender To the monsters in me If I surrender, surrender To the monsters in me”

If she surrendered now, would they meet her once again? Would they recognise their little girl? The girl didn’t know what to think, would she even want to meet her parents again after all she’s done. Would she even recognise them? The hazy memories she has of their faces and features remained locked up in her mind, never revealing themselves and letting the nightmares keep occurring. If she surrendered, would she be free of this pain she’s experiencing. Would she be finally able to rest and relax? Who knows unless she decides to pull the trigger. On her hip resides her weapon. Was it a good idea to come up here with such a thing within easy reach when feeling like this, who knows at this point.

“If you could see under my skin You'd realize why I hold it in Why it's a fight I don't wanna win Why it's a fight I don't wanna win If you could see all my abuse”

A tear flowing down her cheek as she continued to look out over the horizon. Then another… and another. The silent tears flowed down her cheeks and dripped onto the blanket, soaking it a little. Will these tears stop? Closing her eye once more, this time a different memory engulfed her. She was now inside a laboratory. Four walls encasing her with the exception of one small window attached to the only door to the room. It was locked tight with no room to escape. The girl curled up alone in a corner, shivering and wasting away.

“And spent a day inside my shoes You'd realize why I just wanna lose You'd realize why I just wanna lose Will anyone believe the hell of being me Before I decide to be the dying proof?”

Dragged out by her hair. It was easy, there was nothing of the girl. Skin, bones and metal. No muscle on her, malnourished and weak, she could barely stand without tipping to the side. Her leg had just been removed and replaced with a metal replacement. This wasn’t the first time, but more had been cut off. Are they going to do the same with the other? Drugs, torture and abuse was a daily thing. It was almost a routine in the end. It took the girl months to get out of it once she was freed. It scared her saviour, but did he really care about her? Or was it a ploy to get her to trust again to just throw it aside and use her for profit again.

“So let me fall, let me break Under everything unsaid Just let me die 'cause I can't take Living with what's in my head”

Opening her eye, a few more tears flowed down her cheek, wetting the blanket more. Keeping her gaze out towards the sea, the metal hand grabbed the gun sat upon her hip and held it before her eye. Looking at it with little thought and wondering if she should pull the trigger. Would it be better for everyone if she was gone? One less pirate out there to chase, one less mouth out there to feed… One less person to love. The girl held the gun under her chin, finger hovering over the trigger, but not on it. If this trigger is pulled, her life would be over and she’d be pain free. But if she pulled the trigger, would those she’s helped along the way miss her? That's if they still remember her…

“If I surrender, surrender To the monsters in me If I surrender, surrender To the monsters in me”

The sun began to rise. Time had gotten past her, the night time slowly turning to day as she contemplated the last possible move of her life. Hearing a door open and footsteps, the raven looked down and saw blonde hair, a matching eyepatch to hers and a white coat. Her saviour. The man who risked his life to save hers, then nurse her back to health. If she pulled this trigger, his hard work would go to waste. Lowering the gun and placing it back on her hip. Wiping the tear stains off of her cheek. The girl stood up and folded the blanket up and tucked it away before descending the crows nest to head to her quarters. Is her life really worth living? Who knows but her. The past, she cannot change, the future she can. But right now in the present, her life is a gift and she should live it to its fullest. Maybe that man did more than save a life…

"Will it set me free?"

[365days365movies]

March 2, 2021: The Last Unicorn  (Part 2)

Ready to get back to The Last Land Narwhal!

Forgot to mention narwhals in my last post. For the record, that’s a tooth, not a horn, and nobody knows for sure what it’s for. It seems to have functions in defense against predators, communication, environmental analysis, and of course, sexual selection. That last one is the leadng theory for purpose of the tusk.

But yeah, these guys are the unicorns of the sea, so I should’ve mentioned them. OK, back to The Last Unicorn! Part 1 of the Recap is right here!

Recap (2/2)

The journey continues anew, in the right direction this time, and the three head to King Haggard’s castle to find the Red Bull and the other Unicorns. And they find it soon enough, as a bright red light envelops the castle that night. And that light is, of course, the Red Bull.

Well, it’s out of my system...I think. I think. But OK, the real Red Bull, then.

Yeah, this thing is a scarlet MONSTER, and it really does quite monstrous. Molly asks the doubting Schmendrick to do something, and tells him that he has the ability to use magic,, even though he doubts it. With the Bull chasing the Unicorn, Schmendrick tries to do something to stop the chase. And, uh...he succeeds.

Yeah, whoops. Looks like Schmednrick turned her into the worst thing in the world: a human girl! NOOOOOOOOOO! Yeah, everybody (except for Schmendrick) freaks out about this, ESPECIALLY the Unicorn. Now in a mortal body, she’s starting to lose it. However, Schmendrick is right in that this is a pretty decent body.

But yeah, no, the Unicorn is NOT HAPPY about this development. However, Schmendrick does convince her that this is the best way to get into the kingdom of Haggard to find the other Unicorns. They give her the name “Lady Amalthea”, and they indeed get access to the castle.

They go to meet King Haggard (Christopher Lee), whom it turns out is an old, shriveled man who seeks only happiness. He only keeps things around him that make him happy. Molly, clever as she is, convinces Haggard that he has need of a new magician, as his current one clearly does not make him happy.

Seems that Haggard agrees, and pretty much immediately fires his current magician, Mabruk (Paul Frees), who’s none too pleased by this development. He begins to exact his vengeance, until stopped by the magic still within the Unicorn. Mabruk tells Haggard that he has “invited doom through his front door”, and leaves without another word.

The Unicorn, now as “Amalthea”, also quickly unnerves Haggard, as he can’t see his reflection in her eyes, which understandably freaks him out. However, with the help of his son Prince Lir (Jeff Bridges), he quickly calms down and tells the three that they can come and go as they please. And the group settles in, as Lir and “Amalthea” bond.

Lir’s pretty quickly smitten with her, and tries very hard to prove himself a worthy escort and partner, through slaying monsters and becoming a hero. However, she never even speaks to him, seeming cruel to him. He tells this to Molly, and Molly goes to speak with “Amalthea”. However...Amalthea appears to be losing her memory and identity as a Unicorn. Well, fuck.

This is revealed through the song “Now That I’m a Woman”, sing by Mia Farrow herself. And...yeah, she’s not a great singer. Honestly, she’s a pretty poor singer, and it definitely shows. Hell, in the soundtrack, they actually replaced her voice with someone else. And...yeah, that doesn’t surprise me at all.

Molly assures Amalthea that Schmendrick will find a way to speak with the Red Bull, but Amalthea pretty heartlessly writes him off and mocks him as the King’s clown, which Molly rightfully tells her off for. Yeah, Molly’s the best character. The cat named...The Cat (Paul Frees) agrees!

Oh, yeah, there’s a cat with a peg-leg and an eyepatch that speaks with a pirate accent. What? You’ve never seen a pirate cat before? Come on, they’re super-common...I guess. Anyway, the cat tells Molly that soon the Unicorn will become Amalthea, a human woman. Oh, yeah, cats see through magic and lies, including the fact that Amalthea is the Unicorn. It’s common knowledge.

Amalthea, meanwhile, is having dreams of her life as a Unicorn from earlier in the movie. She wakes up, and Lir comes to speak with her. She is quite tired, and is always dreaming of this life, asleep or awake. Lit wants to help her, and she asks for a way to wipe away these dreams. As Amalthea becomes more human, she also grows to love Lir.

Lir serenades her with a song, called “That’s All I’ve Got to Say”. And Jeff Bridges...is also not a singer. Yeah, he’s not the worst, but he’s DEFINITELY not great. Sorry, Jeff, I love ya, but this definitely isn’t your strong point. Fun fact, though, Art Garfunkel apparently covered this song. And it’s...A LOT FUCKING BETTER. Seriously, check it out right here, it’s not bad! And actually, Leighton Meester and Scott Grimes also did a pretty great cover, which is right here, if you’re curious! Sorry, Jeff. You just aren’t my favorite singer.

Anyway, as the two fall in love, Schmendrick tries to solve a riddle passed down by the cat, regarding a clock with the answers. At the same time, Haggard speaks to Amalthea on the parapet, as he reveals that only one thing has ever made him happy. But before he reveals it, he states that he knows who Amalthea actually is.

And that’s when he shows her the one thing that makes him happy: unicorns. The Red Bull, a fire elemental, drove them into the sea so that the King could always see them from this castle on the shore. He commanded the Red Bull to catch them for him, as he had never been as happy as the first time he saw them in the woods. So, in other words...he turned them into NARWHALS, THE UNICORNS OF THE SEEEEEEEEA!

However, it would seem that Amalthea is a little bit too far gone at this point. Haggard notices this when he can see his reflection in her eyes this time, and she believes him mad. Yeah, Amalthea’s taking over, and the Unicorn is starting to fade. Well, shit, now what?

Schmendrick may have an answer to that, as he’s started to solve the riddle, which involves getting a skull to talk or some such thing. I think I missed some of the specifics, because this movie has...a LOT of talking. Like, fuck me, dude, it’s not a long movie, but the amount of talking makes it feel that way. Anyway, the Skull, called...the Skull (René Auberjonois), guards the Red Bull’s lair, and they have to convince the Skull to let them in. Schmendrick does so by bribing the Skull with wine, because apparently he’s a recovering alcoholic. And they trick him with literally an empty bottle. Powerful placebo effect, baby.

As they get to the clock, the Skull realizes that Amalthea is a The Last Unicorn, and raises the alarm to Haggard as they make their way through the clock to the Red Bull’s lair. They make it through, and Lir is also there at the same time. Weird. On the outside, Haggard destroys the clock, trapping the four within.

While in there, Amalthea confesses her love for Lir, and wishes to remain a human, rather than turn back into a Unicorn. However, Lir understands the truth of who and what she is, even if he does still love her. Molly believes she should stay as a human, for the sake of her love, while Schmendrick notes that she must become a unicorn again. However, that’s all made pretty goddamn moot when the Red Bull shows up.

Schmendrick finally gets his shit together, and the magic speaks through him to turn Amalthea back into the Unicorn. The Bull still chases after them, and begins to drive the Unicorn into the sea. Lit attempts to save her, and is nearly killed by the Null in the process.

At the last second, the Last Unicorn rallies against the Red Bull, attacking and driving it into the sea...with the rest of the Land Narwhals.

And with that, the rest of the Unicorns return to the land, and Amalthea is no longer the Last Unicorn. With their stampede, Haggard’s castle by the sea crumbles, and Haggard himself plummets to his death.

As they run off, Amalthea returns, and revives Lir from the dead. Amalthea says that she remembers Lir, and then...fucks off to the woods, I guess. Lir says goodbye to Schmendrick and Molly, who pledge their love for each other in the process. Schmendrick says goodbye to Amalthea, who asks if it makes him happy to be a true wizard now.

Amalthea notes that she’s afraid to go back, as she is the only Unicorn to ever know regret. Schmendrick apologizes for this, but she asks for no apologies. She rides off into the moonset, and into the credits.

And that’s The Last Unicorn! And it was...interesting. I say that a lot, I know, but I’m gonna have to percolate on this one. See you tomorrow for the Review!

[ultraclops]

Semi-Live Blogging: Finale Time!

With reaction images this time!

Adoradad

TRAINING EXERCIIISE

Adorabat's practicing her screaming! Bet that's gonna come in handy later.

"Fneh!" Wow what an introduction Eugene

His design is like? Really cool?? He looks practically nothing like Adorabat tho. And why does he have a spade on his stomach instead of a heart??

Badgerclops drew him with a giant ass mustache lol.

Adorabat takes banjo lessons? More importantly, Eugene thought she was at a banjo lesson FOR 8 MONTHS?!

"She scares me" lol

Adorabat ran away from home? Why?

"I thought you were a ward of the state!" Remember when everyone thought Adorabat was an orphan? Yea.

"I thought you were my conscience!" Badgerclops...you've lived with Adorabat for a year...went to her school...AND YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS A PIECE OF YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS?!

...why did Badgerclops use Adorabat as monster bait...

I expected to hate Eugene but he's actually really cute and interesting?? Aside from the fact he thinks Mao Mao & Badgerclops are criminals. Love to see him again sometime!

Wow her dad has a whole badass mansion!! Why doesn't she just stay there...

Oh...her mom died...that's why he's so protective of her and was so upset when she left. Also her mom looks amazing & I wanna see a flashback episode with her. For some reason I can imagine her sounding like a deeper version of Scoops?

Aww Adorabat's room is super cool! Also Eugene cracking the door for her asfgjkl

"Do you think that monsters attacking the city are gonna - wait, does that have peanut butter in it? " (Cuts to MM & BC eating ice cream while crying) That's a perfectly rational reaction to losing your adoptive daughter

"I can keep it together!" (Cut to Mao Mao trying and failing to shovel ice cream in his mouth with his helmet on) NSADGEDHAMADH

Wait a second. Mao's eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. ISN'T CHOCOLATE TOXIC TO CATS?!

"But you said I was part of the team!!" "Then you're...off the team."

Adorabat crying while showing Eugene the picture OUCH MY HEART...

"I used to go exploring in those caves with Mom all the time..." I'm guessing those are the caves from the promo?

"She wasn't afraid of anything!" " Well Adorabat definitely takes after her mother...

"And then one day, Sonara didn't come back with you." Ooh her name's Sonara!! Pretty!! I can't tell if they chose it cuz it sounds like Sonar or because it means "pleasant sounding"

Glad to see Adorabat's still a die-hard metal fan, even with Eugene

Oof Mao isn't taking this well at ALL if he's pretending Adorabat's molt is her...

OOH SHIT ADORABAT RAN OFF TO THE CAVES - wait a minute no she didn't. OH NO EUGENE WENT TO THE CAVES

Ooh there's Sonara's looking glass, bet that's gonna be important

Yay Adorabat saved her dad!

Damn Adorabat must be super traumatized after basically watching her mother die. No wonder she tried to murder Boba-Chan!

Oh the only way to stop the monster is by screaming!

(Mao Mao hears Adorabat scream) "ADORABAT?!" ADOPTIVE DAD POWERS ACTIVATE

Ooh her mother's figure appears over her when she says she's not afraid of anyone...maybe her spirit's inside of her or something?

REVENGE TIME BAYBEY

HOLY SHIT ADORABAT FUCKING MURDERED THAT THING

Eugene & Adorabat both apologized to each other I...

"You can't just leave without the most fearless member of the group!" YAAY ADORABAT'S BACK (Also how are we gonna explain to Eugene Adorabat's scared of the dark?)

"I'll mess 'em up real good! So good, their mommies and daddies won't be able to recognize them when I'm done..." Daaammmnnn...

"She scares me :)"

I wonder...is Sonara really dead? Or are they gonna pull a Kipo & have her still be alive but in a different form?

Badge-A-Fire explosion

Uhh...where is Badgerclops? And why is Mao Mao on the top bunk?!

Of course Badgerclops is petty enough to install a fake monster alarm on his laptop to wake Mao Mao and Adorabat up.

"This is a super-serious work meeting, as you can see by the fact that I haven't provided any snacks!" No snacks?! This must be a serious issue!! /s

"As you know, I am a creative genius. Sometimes there's so much natural creative genius that my brain overloads, and I enter a heightened state that I call 'Ultra Focus'..." Oh so basically like hyperfixation?

"...where I break into a creative sprint, inventing super-advanced technology at supernatural speeds, unparalleled by anyone in the entire field of science." Okay maybe only a LITTLE bit like hyperfixation...wait a second, IS THAT WHY BADGERCLOPS IS SO TIRED ALL THE TIME?!

Uhh did he get his arm stuck in the front door? HE TOOK THE AEROCYCLE?!

"...I forget everything the next morning." Remember my headcanon that Badgerclops represses his memories? Yea...

"Which is why it's not my fault and I don't think I should be criticized :D" TBH I screamed with laughter at this scene solely because of the expression he made

...HE GAVE THE SKY PIRATES THE GEM CELL?! I mean he clearly wasn't thinking right when he did it BUT STILL?!

"Oh hey, I told you I'd use that weird elevator thing!" Dude you LITERALLY used it in Ultraclops. What are you talking about.

"If the Sky Pirates had the Gem Cell, they would've used it already!" That is a fair point ngl.

Umm...did Badgerclops give Adorabat a BOMB?!

Tbh if my friend woke me up in the middle of the night with weird-looking eyes and handed me a timer while saying something about an explosion I would DEFINITELY not go back to sleep afterwards...

I'm sorry, IS THE WHOLE VALLEY GONNA BLOW UP?! WHAT THE HELL DID HE MAKE?!

Mao wiping Badgerclops' tears I'm

A paper towel dispenser? Well that's not that bad - IS THAT A GIANT PAIR OF PANTS?!

Ooh it's not a shock collar it's a translator!! That makes a bit more sense... "I HAVE NO REMORSE OR CONCEPT OF EMPATHY!" ...if the monster doesn't have remorse or empathy how does it know what those words mean...

Badgerclops keeps telling Mao Mao & Adorabat not to criticize him...hmm...I wonder who criticized his inventions that made him that way...*cough* HIS MOM *cough*

"Are all your inventions this weird?!" "YOU'RE WEIRD!!"

IM SORRY DID BADGERCLOPS BUILD A DANCING MACHINE INTO MAO MAO'S BONES?! HIS BONES?! AND HE MADE ADORABAT A SECOND MEGAPEG?!

What in the absolute hell is going on dgaadhdagdadga

Okay but when Badgerclops clutched his head and started shaking when Mao Mao asked why he made those things...I FELT THAT IN MY HEART I FELT THAT IN MY SOUL

Ngl this scene really hit home for me cuz that's how I act when I have a breakdown...

The timer went off but nothing blew up - WAIT, IS THAT A REPLICA OF MECHA HOSSORAFFASNAKEARANG?!

"Initializing Totally Humane Knockout Procedure." (Proceeds to slam the Sheriff's Dept. into the ground) ajdajdgdad

Ooh...ohh they're on some sort of water park...ride...thing??

"And if I didn't want us to get out, then I made sure we couldn't...with super-strong shoe things." But there isn't any on Adorabat, can't she just squeeze herself out?

Ooh I'm getting Pirates of the Caribbean vibes

There's the Gem Cell, it must be powering the ride! Also the robotic arm slaps Mao's hand the same way Mao slaps Badgerclops' hand in Flyaway skkkk

"My amazing creativity is finally gonna destroy us all..." "Hey, at least we'll be destroyed together!" Fair point, fair point

The shoosh returneth

"I always loved inventing." So he was an inventor ever since he was little? Daww.

YOUNG BC IS SO ADORABLE!! He has a lil medical patch instead of an eyepatch which is def more accurate to real life...but what's the vest for? Protection in case he falls? A pressure stim?

That figure's def his mom since they rejected his ideas & he mentions she was mean to him. Also the theory that his mom's a villain seems a bit stronger since they straight-up hand him a tool kid + a set of blueprints with no regard to his safety...

"Also there was a bunch of other kids at school and some other people throughout my life who mocked me relentlessly." THEN WHY'D YOU TELL ADORABAT YOU COULDN'T RELATE TO HER WHEN SHE SAID NO ONE WANTED TO BE HER FRIEND?! (Also I noticed literally all the kids are other badgers, so I'm assuming Badgerclops grew up sheltered like Mao Mao did.)

So the Ultra Focus is basically a really weird coping mechanism to deal with all the abuse and bullying he went through? Holy fuckkk

"They only made fun of you because they were jealous. Happened to me my whole life!" Umm...

"Even the dance chip I surgically implanted in your brain?" Excuse me the dance chip that you WHAT

"I love you-" HE SAID IT 💗💓💗💓

"I'm finally around people who love and understand me..."

Wait did the cannon misfire? DID IT BLOW A HOLE IN THE GROUND?!

OH HE ACTUALLY DID CREATE AN ANIMATRONIC BAND?! I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE!!

"Take it away, Boss Hosstritch!" (Distorted garbling)

Oof Mao caught all the water

"We hope you all enjoyed being Badgerclops' friend." 💞💕💞💕

Not that anyone cares but I noticed there's a picture of some of the Sweetypies on the monitors, meaning 1. Badgerclops tested it out using them first, or 2. Badgerclops just likes those Sweetypies for whatever reason. Tho that makes me wonder why he'd choose Pinky of all people...

THE SKY PIRATES WERE INSIDE THE ANIMATRONICS THE WHOLE TIME?! THE MAN BEHIND THE SLAUGHTE

Zing Your Heart Out

Why are they giving out rotten sushi??

"HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT ME EATING SOMETHING GROSSLY?!"

Ooh god Chester's gonna be super freaking annoying in this episode, I can feel it.

"What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!" BAYBEY

Jesus what a prick. GET HIM MAO MAO

Ngl that background's really pretty...

Oooh no the Ruby Pure Heart's being weird again. Ooh no.

FUCK YEA ROAST HIM BABY - Did Adorabat's eyes turn purple because the Ruby Pure Heart gave her powers?

Oh so the siren in Badgerclops' robo-arm is a backup monster alarm?

More Sky Pirates - and the Pure Heart's being weird again...

"I'd tell you but despite your height it'd go right over your HEAD!" Asdfgghjjk

"For someone with two brains, you're not very BRIGHT!" EVEN BETTER

Kevin said he was raising money for a school trip, then for a trip to the hospital...which one is he raising money for?!

"SILENCE PANCAKE, LEST YE BE BUTTERED"

OOH NO SHE ATTACKED MAO AND BC

"IT FEELS LIKE THE WEIGHT OF ONE THOUSAND PLANETS!!"

"One second, I'm getting mad, and the next thing you know-" Is she freaking possessed??

Wait, is the Pure Heart TALKING to Adorabat?! How?!

Cluckins you don't ask people what's wrong with their eyeballs...even if there is something wrong with their eyeballs

"I CAN'T FEEL MY SELF-RESPECT!!"

The pure 'oh shit' on Marion's face when Adorabat turns to her

Half of the people she insulted showed up to her party! Didn't that mean she loved them?!

Oh god not this bitch again - nvm, thanks Adorabat

"Taking over the castle and ruling Pure Heart Valley forever does sound nice..." This is starting to remind me of that one AU where Adorabat turns evil, becomes the ruler of the Sky Pirates, then convinces them to kill Snugglemagne and becomes the queen of Pure Heart...she isn't gonna kill Snugglemagne, is she?

What did Adorabat tell Snugglemagne?! I WANNA KNO

Why is Pinky stealing teeth...reminds me of this

NO BC DON'T EAT THE TEETH

"I...hate myself! Therefore, I'm invincible!" So the trick to not getting your ego destroyed...is to not have an ego. Sounds reasonable.

"Your bug platter, my king?" Genderfluid Adorabat rights

"Mao Mao, your head looks like a CROW!" (Mao Mao caws) IT WAS A LIE HE ISN'T A CAT HE WAS A CROW THIS WHOLE TIME-

"It looks like a half-melted ice cream cone!!" That is...a strange way to describe your own neck...

"Well, I'm...bad (◡‿◡)" Kinda weird that the canonically depressed character can't even cleverly insult himself

...why does Adorabat's skin smell like old cantaloupe

OH SHE IS POSSESSED!!

HOLY SHIT MAO WAS GONNA FUCKING MURDER ADORABAT TO SAVE THE KINGDOM?! THANK GOD HE SAW HER JOKE BOOK, HOLY SHIT

Positivity outweighs negativity!

"WHERE DOES A 800 POUND GORILLA SIT?!" "Where ever it wants!◝(⁰▿⁰)◜" Curse you for making me laugh...

OOH NO THE JOKEBOOK! - Wait nvm Mao remembers Adorabat's jokes!

I think the reason they used that joke is because it represents Mao Mao and Adorabat - Adorabat is blue, and she wants to be like Mao Mao, who wears red. What is BLUE, and smells like (is similar to) RED paint?

YAAAY HE BROKE HER FREE FROM MIND CONTROL!! And did BC get Thanos snapped in the background?

"Thank goodness you're alright! We almost..." Fucking murdered you? Yea

"Might we have our crown and kingdom back, yes?"

"Sorry for being such a monster today." "You're a monster everyday." Is that a joke because she was today's villain, a reference to Sleeper Sofa or foreshadowing?

I hope Mao Mao and Badgerclops decide to investigate what's up with the Heart in Season Two, cause I highly doubt they'll let Adorabat getting fucking possessed go under the radar.

The visual gag of Mao trying to stomp out his ice cream cone like a cigarette is perfect. This is peak comedy everyone else go home

WHOOP CHESTER'S ASS GUYS

Strange Bedfellows

"So, your name is Boss Hosstrich, but you're not actually the boss?" How long did it take him to realize that

JFC Mao & Orangusnake are REALLY hellbent on killing each other huh...at least the deputies and the other Sky Pirates have common sense.

Hahaha nice Dragon Ball Z reference - and they both got crushed by the monster! Lovely.

...did Mao seriously think he died and went to heaven?

So does Orangusnake breathe through Tanner or do they both breathe independently & Coby can feel when Tanner can't?

Dang those skeletons remind me of the Steven Universe Future episode Growing Pains. And why is Lucky inside of Orangusnake? "THAT WAS MY LUNCH, JERK!" Ooh that's why.

"They're full of these tiny, little cracks or, as they're known in the medical field, 'whoopsie-boo-boos'." AGSADGASGADGDASG

Damn their skeletons are just gonna freaking evaporate huh...

"The doctor said I was very brave :D"

Ooh shit the Deputies and the other Sky Pirates met at the same elevator, are they gonna fight - nevermind, they're still calling time.

JESUS CHRIST ARE MAO & ORANGUSNAKE EVER GONNA STOP?!

"You don't have the guts!" "I have a million guts." That is...mildly concerning

"Yeah, I wanted to be a baker, before I realized I liked hurting people so much." Then why doesn't she just like, help Muffins or something?

Tbh I thought Ratarang was holding a gun and I'm glad it was just a weirdly wrapped banana

CONE OF SHAME. CONE OF SHAME. CONE OF SHAME.

"Aww, y'all shouldn't have - this is empty." "Just like my heart when you injure yourself!!" He loves him sm...💓💓

"Why didn't you bring me weapons?!" "Because this is a hospital, and I'm a good boy (◡‿◡ )"

"I really feel like this could be a turning point in their relationship." (Mao and Orangusnake proceed to try and kill each other again) *sigh*

Ngl Mao & Orangusnake constantly repeating themselves is getting super annoying.

That hospital bed beeping is giving me flashbacks to all the times I went to the hospital for seizures...

"You know y'all could live like this, like, all the time if you didn't go around hurting people, right?" "Pssh! Tsk-tsk, boy. You know I gots to hurt people." Uhh you guys should really listen to Badgerclops he knows what tf he's talking about

UUhh, whose egg is that? "MAMA" ASGagddahDh

Of course they had to land in freaking CEMENT to realize that maybe they shouldn't kill each other

Did Mao just deflate like a ballo- oh nvm there he go.

Boneless Mao. Boneless Mao.

And Mao saved Orangusnake!! By...breaking every bone in his body somehow.

"I'm the kind of hero who wants to save you so I can fight you later...at the right time and place." Just gonna file this along with the credit score scene from Perfect Couple in the 'Orangumao' folder.

Is Badgerclops duct taping Mao to the stretcher? I mean, at least he won't move & hurt himself again but geez

Tbh Zing would’ve made a better finale than this ep. At least it had a sequel hook

[realfuurikuuri]

Don’t Look Away

MMHOPH Missing Arm! AU fic

WC: 2,954

Angsty as fuck 

Oneshot

AN: This was a little thing I did using @spookylovesboba MissingArm! AU. It's been a while since I last wrote fanfic(like two years) but this was pretty fun. There wasn’t much to go on The AU gave a lot of room to invert the themes of the original source, which was pretty fun. If I had to place this anywehre on the hypothetical timeline it’d be before he finds the new arm so things aren’t too bloody. The story is a oneshot. I might do more; I might not. Depends on how I’m feeling. I could ramble about this for a lot longer, which I probably will in the tags, anywyas enjoy the fic.

Mao Mao polished Geraldine, holding the sword in his right hand, holding the handle with his tail. Every so often he would turn towards the silent monster alarm before he went back to pointlessly polishing his sword. Badgerclops and Adorabat were out getting… Ice cream, was it? He wasn’t paying much attention when they left. Maybe he should have joined them and actually done something with his day. The monster alarm wasn’t giving him anything to do. 

Ring! Ring! Ring! 

Or maybe it was. He grabbed his sword and headed out the door and headed back in when he realized that it wasn’t the monster alarm. The ringing was coming from the backroom. Covered in dust, hidden in the shadows, was the home phone. Mao Mao slowly walked up to the phone, mind already racing with the unfortunate possibilities. Was it going to be one of his sisters? Probably not, he never gave them his number. Was it going to be his father? Definitely not, Mao Mao almost found the idea of him finally calling commercial. Almost. 

Mao Mao reached for the phone,” hello?” 

“Is this… sheriff, Mao Mao?” 

The voice on the other end was faked, although there was something to it he could almost recognize. 

“Who is this,” Mao Mao asked. 

“Your reckoning. I am here to destroy everything you hold dear! I am here to make sure you get what's coming to you! I am-” 

“-Going to stay out of the mayo,” Mao Mao interrupted. “Dammit Pinky, quit prank calling the sheriff's department!” 

Mao Mao slammed the phone back down without even letting him finish. “Need to have the number changed again,” he said to himself. 

He sheathed his sword and headed for the door. He might as well explore the town. It was better than getting prank called by Pinky. 

* * * 

“He just hung up on me. The ass just hung up on me!” The stranger threw the phone on the ground, growling in frustration. “Can’t even let me threaten him right. Prick won’t let me do anything!” 

“Hey, that was our phone.” 

“Shut it!” The Stranger snapped, voice echoing throughout the Sky Pirates ship. 

Orangusnake didn’t know what to think of this man. Kid more like. He couldn’t have been much older than 16 maybe 17. He was a cat with mostly white fur, save for a patch of black here and there. He was a little taller than the sheriff and even sounded like the sheriff. The only thing the kid had that Mao Mao didn’t was both arms. If he closed his eyes he could easily imagine it was an extremely vulgar version of Mao Mao. 

“So whadda we do now, boss,” Ratarang asked. 

“Well, -uh, first we’ll…” 

“You’ll shut the hell up and let me do my thing,” the stranger said. 

“Hey! You can’t just come to MY ship. And start disrespecting MY crew.” 

“I can when I’ve already beat the crap out of you and tied you up.” 

“You haven’t even beat us up!” 

“Do you want me to?” 

Orangusnake was about to tell him to try it, but the kid’s eyes reminded him of Mao Mao on a bad day. 

“Fine! But you said you could get rid of the blasted sheriff for us, so you better do it.”

“Don’t throw a bitch-fit, I have a plan.”

* * * 

Mao Mao arrived in the town on foot because Badgerclops had to take the aerocycle. He walked through the streets making sure everything was under control. Occasionally he called out their names, but he got no response. It was quit. Too quiet. The town wasn’t on fire, Pigguns hasn’t tried to run him over, and there was no trail of mayo from Pinky. Something was horribly wrong. Did it only affect the sweetie pies? Was it the Sky Pirates? A monster? Did whatever happen also effect the King? Mao Mao gritted his teeth and began to run to the castle. 

He ran as fast as he could up the castle steps. He could hear chatter get louder and louder until he finally kicked down the door. 

“My door,” the king exclaimed, but Mao Mao ignored him. He had to take a minute to wonder what exactly he was seeing. 

The entire kingdom was caught in a net with a misshapen piano hanging above them like it was some sort of cartoon. The group Horde Gaggle Headache of sweetie pies all began to speak at once. 

“Quiet!” 

The headache finally fell silent letting Mao Mao think. He pointed his sword at the King. 

“Speak,” he said. 

“Sheriff, get me out of this mess these… ruffians are disgusting.” 

“What happened? Why you are in a net?” 

“Oh, help me! Help me! Help Me! Help me! The pink… thing is getting closer!” 

Mao Mao was tempted to let the King sit there and deal with Pinky however, he did sign his paychecks, so he had to do something. He took a few steps back before he began to run towards the net, pushing it with his one arm as the Piano began to fall. One swing with Geraldine and the leaf was in two pieces? What? Was Tanya behind this? Was she the one that kidnapped the sweetie pies? Did she do all of that just to mess with him? Why?

Mao Mao was moving towards the net when he noticed that the leaf wasn’t green. It was red. A nice fall red. 

“Sheriff! SHERIFF!” 

The King’s screams snapped him out the daze. He walked over to the net and grabbed the king by the collar. 

“Who did this,” he asked. 

“Who? I don’t know, just let me out-”

“Who did this,” he asked again.

“I said I don’t know, now get me-”  

“What did he look like?” 

“Oh, I don’t know. A black and white cat, maybe. A lot like you, actually.” 

Mao Mao let go of the king with a huff. He turned to the door and began to walk to the door.

“Don’t forget about me. Sheriff? Sheriff? Cut me loose...Please,” the King asked, Mao Mao’s mind too busy to hear; his mind buzzed with thoughts and old memories. 

* * * 

“So, uh, care to tell me what exactly is going on?” 

The Stranger looked up at his captives. One was a rather large badger with an eyepatch and a little blue bat. He knew the bear was Badgerclops although he didn’t know the small one. He expected it would take more than a half-assed ice-cream stand to catch them, but it seemed to work.

“What’s going on is that you'll both sit there quietly and wait for him to show up.” 

“Whose he,” the blue one asked. 

“I don’t know, maybe I would if someone would tell me what’s going on!” 

Orangusnake slunk up to the captives with a wicked smile. “What’s going on is-” 

“Nobody shutting the hell up. That’s what's going on,” The Stranger mumbled. 

“Okay, why are you so rude? I let you into my ship! Then you start yelling at everybody! What do you want?”

“First off, you don’t ‘let’ me be anywhere. I can do what I want and you certainly can’t stop me. Secondly, I’m not rude you all are just insufferable. Lastly, what I want is to finally give Mao Mao what he deserves.” 

“And what is that?” 

The Stranger just smiled and took out more leaves. A flick of the wrist and a puff of smoke turned them into poorly made dolls of Mao Mao, Badgerclops, the blue one and himself. 

“What are those?” 

“The important people.” 

“We aren’t I there,” Orangusnake said. 

“Dude, I literally just said it's the important people.” 

“That… that hurts.” 

The Stranger rolled his eyes going back to his dolls. “First, I kidnap you two. Already done that. Then he shows up and we beat him up. Once he’s all nice and bruised we bury him alive. Let’s see how he likes being locked up without anyone to help him.” 

The Stranger let out a cackling laugh. 

“You’re a lot like your dad you know that,” Badgerclops said. 

The laughter suddenly stopped. “What would you know?” 

“I mean, you’re Jǐngtì Mao, right? Mao Mao’s son?” 

Everyone turned to the Stranger. He squinted his eyes, pushing a finger into Badgerclops’ face. “Okay, its Jǐngtì Keys actually.” 

The blue thing’s eyes lit up like stars. “Oh my gosh! You're Mao Mao’s Kid! WhatshelikeWhereyou’vebeenIsn’thethecoolestwhoseyourmom- wait, if you’re Mao Mao’s kid then why’d you kidnap us?” 

“Well, you see… Blue thing. Mao Mao is… awful. So, I’m going to make use of the only way he taught me to deal with my problems: bury it deep deep down and hope it never comes back up.” 

“That doesn’t sound very heroic.” 

“Well, you see that would be a problem if I was a hero, fortunately, I’m not so I don’t have to worry about shit.” 

“If Mao Mao’s your dad then who's your mom,” Orangusnake asked. 

“Tanya Keys.” 

“Who.” 

“What do you mean who she was here like last week.” 

“Never met her.” 

“Really? Tanuki. Did the stuff with the leaves. I mean you should’ve met her, she’s a bounty hunter.” 

“These guys don’t have bounties on their heads,” Badgerclops added from the back. 

Jǐngtì turned to the pirates then back to Badgerclops. “Aren’t they pirates.” 

“Sky Pirates,” Orangusnake added from the back. 

“Yeah, but they suck so we never really placed bounties.” 

“We’re right here.” 

“Damn, I thought they were strong because mom didn’t catch them.” 

“Nope. They’re bottom of the barrel.”

“We’re still right here.” 

“Why do I even have these guys then?” 

Everyone turned when they heard a loud bang. “Open up Jǐngtì! I know you’re here.” 

“They may not be fighters, but I suppose they can be cannon fodder.” 

* * * 

Mao Mao kept knocking on the hull of the Sky Pirates ship. His one good hand was starting to hurt when the door finally opened a tad. Jǐngtì poked his head over the door, his face covered with the purple bandanna. 

“Son.” 

“You.” 

“It’s been a while.”

“Four years and 156 days. Believe me, I’ve been counting.” 

“How are you even out of jail?” 

“Mom paid bail.” 

“All of it?”

“What do you think she was so desperate for bounties?” 

Mao Mao sighed and scratched his ears. “If you stop know we can have this kidnapping stuff all blow over, so just get down here.” 

“You can’t make me.” 

“Yes, I can.” 

“There’s just one of you and six, maybe seven if you count the snake-monkey as two different people.” 

“You mean the Sky Pirates?” 

“Yeah.” 

Mao Mao raised an eyebrow.”Really? You’re just scraping up wood chips. I beat them once a week, twice if I need to blow off some steam.” 

“See! That’s the shit I can’t stand. You pretend to be better than everyone else when you’re just as awful!” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I make one mistake and you just throw me into jail. You didn't even try to help me. You complain about your dad when you’re not better.” 

Mao Mao didn’t know words could hit that hard. He felt all the wind leave his lungs and pain in his chest. He clenched his fist and closed his eyes before looking up again. “You can’t just do things without consequences. You can’t just do wrongs and expect no justice.” 

“You’re right,” Jǐngtì said,” so let me fucking bury you alive.” 

“Please get down here. And stop cursing, Adorabat’s only six.” 

“The blue thing?” 

Mao Mao nodded.

Jǐngtì turned over his shoulder then back to his father, looking him dead in the eyes. “Shit, ass, fuck, motherfucker, bitch-” 

Jǐngtì certainly inherited his obstinance. He climbed up and swung the back of his blade at Jǐngtì. He dodged the attack, stepping forward to bring down his knife. Mao Mao stuck his sword in the floor, freeing his hand to catch Jǐngtì’s wrist. 

“-cock, fucker, and motherfucker.”

“You said motherfucker twice.” 

“Well, I am fighting you so I guess it was on my mind.”

Jǐngtì pulled a bomb from his bag forcing Mao Mao to jump back. When the fuse burned out the bomb just turned back into a leaf.

“Pirates!” Jǐngtì called out.

Mao Mao was forced to let go and quickly step out of the way of Rammaraffe, he was pushed back by an egg-bomb from boss-hostrich, a small head-tilt was enough to dodge Ratarang. Orangusnake let out a battle cry, leaping forward with battleax brandished. He couldn’t win like this. He dashed underneath Orangusnake, and reached for Geraldine. When the sword was nearly in his grasp it was pulled away. 

“How does it feel to be disarmed again,” Jǐngtì asked. 

“You’re like really mean, you know that?” 

Jǐngtì gave Badgerclops the side-eye before transforming with a  large puff of smoke. “Meh meh meh meh meh, that’s what you sound like,” he said. 

“Hurtful, but why’d you turn into modern art?” 

Jǐngtì raised an eyebrow,” what do you mean modern art I’m supposed to be you.” 

“That’s supposed to be… me?” 

Badgerclops laughed. He laughed and laughed as Jǐngtì’s frustration grew and grew until he exploded in a puff of smoke. “You know what! I don’t see you doing magic! You don’t get to criticize me for doing mine!” 

Mao Mao pinched the bridge of his nose.“ Badgerclops, quit arguing with an actual child and free yourself. Also, hand my sword while you’re at it.” 

“Can’t tied up.” 

“Quit being lazy. You know that’s not even a rope. It's just a leaf.” 

Badgerclops rolled his eyes and stood up, popping the rope around with a puff of smoke. He pointed his arm right at Jǐngtì. “You’re both very demanding you know that?” 

“I suppose I’ll just try burying him alive another time.” 

Jǐngtì pushed Badgerclops arm up. A single misfire blasted a hole right through the Sky Pirate’s ship. He grabbed Adorabat without hesitation, jumping off Badgerclop’s face to start climbing towards the exit. Mao Mao called his son’s name, quickly following after. They climbed to the top of the airship. Jǐngtì held Adorabt in one arm. The wind howled in their ears. 

“That’s enough, Jǐngtì.” 

“Enough of what?” 

“Enough of all this. You have to stop.” 

“Why? Why should I?” 

“Because you literally held an entire kingdom hostage. You teamed up with the Sky Pirates. You’re just becoming a villain.” 

“Like father like son, I guess.” 

“Jǐngtì just… just stop before this goes too far.” 

Mao Mao walked forward while Jǐngtì kept walking back. 

“Before I too far? I already thought I did go too far back in Queens Putland.” 

“You stole from the monarch and stole their crown! You can’t just do that and expect nothing of it!” 

“So, I guess it's justified to leave me in jail without even trying to post bail. I guess it’s fine to just up and move on with your life like you didn't spend 13 whole fucking years with them! Instead, you fuck off and replace me with… this!” 

He shook Adorabat around like a ragdoll. “Careful!” Mao Mao shouted as he took a tentative step forward. 

“Listen I get it I… am a hypocrite, certainly not the best father, but that's no excuse to do any of this.” 

“Shut up! Just shut up!” Jǐngtì reached into his pouch throwing leaf after leaf. 

Some turned into bikes, others into furniture, pianos and anything heavy. It didn’t slow Mao Maod down; he just cut them down one after the other. The final thing he threw was also the largest. A massive boulder that belonged at the slope of a mountain hurled through the air. Mao Mao simply raised his hand, simply grabbing onto it so tightly that it popped.

“Are you done?” 

“No, I’m not done! I never will be until you finally get your shit together! Put action to your words, and try, for once in your life, to do something right!” 

It happened in an instant. A step back when nothing was there. Jǐngtì fell back, too surprised to even scream. 

Mao Mao lunged forward grabbing onto his wrist.

To his horror, Jǐngtì seemed genuinely surprised. “Why?” 

“Does a man have to give a reason to protect his own children?”

The look in Jǐngtì’s eyes gave him hope. Hope that maybe mistakes can be fixed, or at least worked past. He helped Jǐngtì to his feet and placed his hand on his shoulder. Jǐngtì refused to look him in the eye, but he didn’t shrug it off. 

Without warning, he threw down one of Adorabat’s bombs. A cloud of smoke filled the air. When the smoke cleared he was holding Adorabat and Jǐngtì was nowhere to be seen. 

“Mao Mao,” Adorabat said. 

“Hm?” 

“What was that?” 

Mao Mao took a deep breath as he searched for the right way to phrase it. “Adorabat, we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions. You can’t just forget about them, lest we start to hurt the people we’re close to.” 

“Did you forget him, Mao Mao?” 

“You know what? I never could. I never even wanted to. I hope he knows that.” 

A loud crash shook the ship. Badgerclops helicoptered out through a brand new, much larger, hole with his arm cannon at full charge. “Alright daddy issues, that’s enough.” He waved his cannon around, searching for his target. 

“What?” 

“No not you. Jǐngtì,” Badgerclops said. 

“You can put the arm cannon down now. He’s long gone.” He knew Jǐngtì wasn’t. He taught him that disappearing trick, after all. 

“Oh. Well then let's get the aerocycle and go. I have no idea where it's parked.”

“But I didn’t ride the aerocycle here.”

Badgerclops groaned and they shared a laugh as they walked back home

[red--dragoon]

At the request of my friend, I made a little “Halloween Special” with my FE:3H Sims. As a fair warning, things get a little weird... 

So! My main file with Garreg Mach is having some issues with NPCs and for a certain mod, I need NPCs to spawn. So, instead of the whole 20+ Sims group, it’s just a small party that went to stay at a strange mansion. The house leaders, their retainers, the professor and Flayn are ready for Halloween!

Edelgard is a festive witch, while Hubert is a Jacoban priest (which is from The Sims: Medieval) and/or cult leader. He would have been the vampire that he quite obviously is meant to be if I had the proper game packs, but sadly I do not.

Dimitri and Dedue are a pirate and a navy captain. Yes, I did this entirely because I thought it would be funny to have Dimitri wearing an eyepatch on the “wrong” eye. No, I don’t regret it at all.

Hilda is a kitty cat, and Claude... is cursed. I’m so sorry.

Originally I was going to go with Seteth as the Church representative, but I ran out of male costumes. I almost made him a cowboy, but I really wanted to use that cute dress.

Literally the first thing Dimitri does is make Mac and a Cheese in the cauldron. Some things never change.

As per usual, it turned out very popular. 

… All the while ignoring poor Dedue diligently making French toast for everyone.

Claude decides to take a stance against beds and sleep on the ottoman instead of the $7k bed that was specifically registered to him. 

And Hilda decides that the best place to brush her teeth is the kitchen sink and not one of the 4 bathrooms. 

Anyway, it wouldn't be Halloween without some... horror, right? So I downloaded a little mod... 

Suddenly, zombies! Or... risen? Idk. 

Dimitri was the first one to investigate the zombie problem. 

...It didn’t go very well. 

Professor to the rescue, I suppose.

I gave Byleth a single dezombification cure and she had to use it within the first 10 minutes of the zombie apocalypse because Dimitri is a dumbass who charged into the zombies without a weapon. 

And now... Byleth has a gun. 

She then proceeded to go on a murder spree and do sit ups in the blood of her freshly dead enemies. Also I love how she’s doing her favorite pose in that first pic. 

And while that bloodbath going on, everyone at home is not comprehending the concept of bathrooms. Edelgard literally walked in on Hubert trying to use the toilet... twice. And guys... y’all know there is more than one mirror in the house, right? 

So after Byleth killed all the zombies in the vicinity of the mansion, the apocalypse seemed to die down. I realized that to get more spooky Halloween occurences, I’d have to get more creative...

Flayn seems to have found something suspicious about the bookcase...

Turns out its the classic Scooby Doo-esque secret door! 

And of course, it leads to a spooky staircase... 

...and an even more spooky basement. 

Meanwhile, it seems like we have a visitor? 

TO BE CONTINUED? (insert spooky music here) 

Honestly the true spooky shit comes from the Sims itself. Case in point: 

What is wrong with his arm?? 

THIS IS NOT PART OF THE ZOMBIE MOD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP WHERE IS HER FACE I--

[xelinielx]

Wednesday - A JadeRoxy pirate AU one shot

This story is for my friend @tentiginouslogophile (Jade) whose birthday is today!! I failed at drawing pictures to this so you’ll have to settle for a short story heheh. It’s a bit messy because it’s hard for me to find motivation right now, though I really wanted to give you something today. I hope you’ll like it anyway. Happy birthday again! I love you!! I will probably rewrite this when I get my motivation back so it will be as great as you are 💕

Warning: contains a lot of fluff, the striders being dumbasses and implied smut.

-

Out of all the pirate ships sailing the Sburban sea, two stood out and were renowned as led by the scariest captains by all who saw them - but their crew wouldn’t agree.

Pirate captain Roxy Lalonde on the Mutie was actually one of the most absent-minded people on the planet. If they were born in the 21st century, her crew would have likened her with the pirate captain Jack Sparrow from the pirate movies, and Roxy would find that absolutely hilarious.

She was a good captain though, despite not always acting like one. In battle, she was a scary blur of swordstrokes, and she had gotten the nickname The Cat from her enemies. They all saw her as a terrifying force of nature, but her crew, who had more than once seen her throw up over the edge of the ship and fail to pet their aggressive ship’s cat, didn’t agree in the slightest. There was only one pirate brave enough to fight her.

Captain Jade Harley.

They had been fighting for as long as they could remember, always chasing each other and trying to beat the other. Today was the day they would clash again.

Jade Harley was seen as eccentric by her crew. She was brave, fast and had no hesitation in throwing herself in dangerous situations when needed. Also when not needed. That’s why her crew felt more like babysitters most of the time. “No captain, diving from the top of the mast is not a good idea in this storm.” “Captain, if you try to steer the ship through that gap it will sink.” “JADE FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T TRY TO SHOOT THE SEAGULL WHILE WEARING A BLINDFOLD!”

Her enemies called her The Witch. She appeared out of practically nowhere with her ship, cannons firing rapidly. In the harbors there were people spreading stories about how she must have contacted Feferi the fabled Sea Witch and sold her soul for power.

The first time Jade heard those stories, she’d laughed so hard that she got the hiccups and couldn’t talk normally for the rest of the day. After that, she of course made sure to scream some long difficult words that sound like a spell to spur the stories even further when she fought the crews who dared oppose her.

-

Jade kicks the door to her quarters open with a well-aimed strike and steps out onto the deck, striking a grin. “Good morning everyone!” she exclaims and puts her captains hat over her unbrushed mess of black hair.

“‘sup Jade!” Dave calls out from atop some barrels where he’s sprawled out, eyepatches over both eyes. He was supposed to be the lookout but he was usually too lazy to do so. He also never wanted anyone to see his eyes, so he looked rather comical with the eyepatches.

“Is it Wednesday again?” Rose, the first mate asks and rolls up the map she was analyzing. Jade saunters over and smacks her hands on the table with a huge grin.

“It sure is! Let’s go to that island we passed last night. I’m sure they’ll be there.” Rose had long since learnt not to question her captain’s directives. Somehow, she always manages to get them to where they are supposed to go — even if it’s the complete wrong way according to Rose’s very accurate maps.

Sometimes she felt like she wanted to believe the sea witch rumors. “John! Prepare the cannons,” Jade shouts down a hatch, jousting the poor boy from his sleep by scaring him so bad that he crashes into the ground.

“Not Wednesday again,” he mutters and goes off to work the cannons while wrapping a blue napkin around his head.

Jade flops down on the deck and starts to pick apart her gun to clean it. It’s an important day after all, and she can’t have it ruined due to poor gun maintenance. What would grandpa say? The fact that she cleaned the gun yesterday doesn’t matter.

Dave groans as he hears the telltale clang of metal objects hitting the wooden deck and Jade humming.

“Is it fucking Wednesday again? Wasn’t it Wednesday like yesterday?” Jade giggles and throws a dirty rag on Dave and takes out a new one. Dave jerks back and almost falls off the ship.

“Shit man don’t scare me like that.” He slips off the barrels (in the right direction) and takes a seat with his back against them. “Like do you want me to die before we even fight? That is so uncool of you. And you call yourself our captain.”

Jade shuts out Dave’s usual rambling and focuses on her gun. When she’s gone over it three times, she’s satisfied and puts it back together.

“There’s a ship to starboard, Captain,” Rose calls out after a while. Jade gives Dave a disapproving look that he doesn’t see.

“And what a good lookout you are then,” she complains before running up to Rose, who is steering the ship.

She could identify that flag anywhere. “It’s them all right,” she says, face turning serious. From the way people start moving on the other ship, Jade knows that they have seen them too.

I mean not that a huge pirate ship is that easy to hide.

“To your stations!” Jade calls and runs over to the side of the ship, tying a rope with a hook securely to the side. “We’re boarding them!”

It doesn’t take long for the ships to close in on each other. Jade scans her opponents with a stern face. There is the black haired guy who wields two small guns and uses weird words to threaten them. What even does “Tally-ho!” mean? Then, there is their cook who doesn’t really like to fight. She holds a kitchen knife in one hand and looks uneasy. She will be easy to take down.

There is the blonde guy who wields an odd sword and looks even dumber than Dave. They seem to have the same mindset about letting people see their eyes- and seeing, apparently. The only difference is that this guy’s eyepatches are cut into triangles. How does that even work?

And then, staring straight at her, a sword and pistol in each hand, blonde hair flying in the wind is no one else but the ship’s captain and Jade’s nemesis.

“Roxy,” she says, and the grip on her gun tightens.

Roxy’s painted lips curl into a smile, and the sun reflects off the small black cat she has dangling from an ear. “Hi there Jadie.” She places the back of a hand against her hip and blows a lock of hair away from her face.

Jade takes a moment to take note of the sleek, fancy pink coat with golden buttons adorning Roxy’s body, the headband she has tied around her head and the white tights ending in knee-high boots.

She can feel Roxy’s eyes scanning her, seeing the loose white shirt, her large captains hat and green pieces of fabric tied around her waist into a loose, comfortable skirt.

Jade can almost feel Dave roll his eyes. “Prepare to be boarded!” Jade suddenly shouts, knocking everyone out of their staring contests. She throws the rope over to the other ship and runs over on the taut line without even swaying. Her crewmates (except for John, who runs down the hatch to the cannons) grab ropes and throw them onto Mutie’s mast, swinging themselves over. They are not going to run over a rope. In just a few moments, swords are clanging and shots are fired.

Dave and Dirk engage in a fierce battle in the front of the ship. Their swords clash together with skill and precision — the fact that neither of them can see doesn’t seem to matter. They attack and block quickly, engaging in a dangerous dance.

On the opposite side of the ship, Rose is using her sword to strike Jake’s pistols rapidly, trying to keep him from shooting. She uses the ship to her advantage, swinging her sword to urge Jake into a more vulnerable position. Jane seems to have disappeared down into the ship again. That’s just as well.

In the middle of the ship, Jade and Roxy cross blades. They whirl around each other, anticipating each other’s moves. Roxy makes a jab with her sword, and Jade slaps it away with the front of her gun, twisting around to pound the back of it into Roxy’s stomach and make her loose her footing for a moment.

But only for a moment. Roxy charges immediately, knocking Jade against the edge of the ship with her shoulder. Jade kicks Roxy’s legs before she can regain her balance, but Roxy slips her gun behind Jade’s back, knocking her to the ground with her.

They tumble around for a moment, Jade knocks the gun from Roxy’s hand with a slap from the flat side of her blade as she struggles to get out on top.

Roxy fights back and straddles Jade, holding her sword at her throat. She feels some metal touch her chin, and her eyes dart down to see Jade smirking with the nozzle of her gun aimed at her. They make eye contact for a second, then two.

Unanimously, they drop their weapons, and Roxy leans down to kiss Jade as Jade leans up to meet her lips. Jade’s hands land on Roxy’s waist, and Roxy places her hands on either side of Jade’s face, gently brushing her hair out of the way.

The rest of the world fades away as the two of them relish in the feeling of each other. The closeness of their bodies, the beating of their hearts, and the taste of the each other’s lips.

Roxy knocks the stupid hat off Jade’s head, grinning against her lips. Jade retaliates by slipping her hands under Roxy’s coat, feeling the soft skin of her stomach.

“Hell no, I’m not watching this.” The two of them part to look at the intruder. Dirk is staring straight up into the sky, triangular eyepatches still over his eyes. Roxy snorts and gives Jade another peck on the lips.

They slip into Roxy’s quarters and shut the door as their crewmates sit down together at the back of the ship. Jane comes up to join them with a few bottles of rum, and John shows up too after a while.

“You’re getting better,” Rose tells Jake after taking a swig of the rum. “Just a few more years and you might beat me.” Dave snorts and almost chokes on the drink.

They chat and joke together until the sun sets. There are several empty bottles of rum between them, and at some point, Jane went away to get them some food to snack on as well.

They hear the giggling before they see Roxy and Jade slip out of the hut. Roxy’s coat is buttoned in the wrong holes, and Jade’s hair is even more of a mess than earlier.

“Clean up after yourselves,” Jane groans and rests her head against the floor, knowing that no one will listen.

Jade and Roxy hold hands, smiling warmly at each other. Jade leans forward to place another kiss on Roxy’s lips. “Same time next Wednesday?” she asks. Roxy can see the sun set in her green eyes.

She places Jade’s hat back on her mess of black hair and kisses her nose with a giggle. “Next Wednesday.”

With those words, Jade’s crew returns to their own ship and Rose sets the course for wherever she likes, as she does every Wednesday.

As the ships part in different directions underneath the night sky, two captains stand at the far back of their ships, staring longingly at each other across the sea that mirrors the stars in the sky until the other ship disappears from view, waiting for the next Wednesday.

[finnofamerica]

Hi i’m desperate for the A-Z fluff w my boy Blink

Okay, so I had to take notes, but I hope this is good. 

—-

A = affection (how affectionate are they in day to day life? Do they show affection publicly or keep that more in private?)

He’s not usually outwardly affectionate, but he loves cuddles when he’s had an absolute shit day. 

B = best memory (what is the best memory they have with you)

When you first met, you made a terrible awful pirate joke that he hated. But it just sounded so wonderful coming from you. It is tied with that one time that you told off a guy for making fun of his disability. 

C = cat or dog person (this is pretty obvious)

You found this one scrawny cat that was all mangled from fighting, he was scarred and missing an eye. He absolutely adores that cat. 

D = dreams (what do they want to do in life?)

He wants to raise money, with Crutchie, to spread awareness for people with disabilities. 

E = evenings (how do they spend their evening? So they go out? Do they read?)

He doesn’t like reading bc it gives him headaches, but he likes audiobooks or you reading to him. 

F = first date (what was it like?)

He was very careful in choosing his activity to do with you. So he took you to the carnival. 

G = giggle (what is their laugh like? What makes them laugh?)

His laugh is the sweetest thing ever. He laughs at bad puns. Like “Heyyy baby nice to see you.” 

H = hugs (do they like hugs? What kind of hugs do they give?)

He likes to hug you when he’s alone with you or when he’s seeing you for the first time of the day. 

I = instrument (do they play an instrument?)

He plays the harmonica like a boss. 

J = joy (what brings them joy in life?)

Just things that are kinda stupid, like Albert sleepwalking down the stairs and landing on his face. 

K = kisses (what kind of kisser are they? Shy? Passionate?)

His kisses are soft and sweet. He likes to hold you close to him. Sometimes he ends up ruining the moment with a stupid joke. 

L = love (how do they act when they have a crush)

He avoids you until you confront him for ignoring you and you have to demand why. He denies everything until you grab him and get him to look at you. You ask him what was wrong. Finally, he’d mumble out a response, but you wouldn’t be able to hear it. and when you asked what he finally looked at you all exasperated “I like you okay?!” 

M = memory (what’s their favorite memory?)

His eye patch (In modern times he wears special sunglasses) got destroyed and he was really torn up about it. So you got one special made for him as a surprise. You even painted a cute little bear on it bc it reminds you of him.

N = no (what is their pet peeve?)

Anyone who is not him or you messing with his eyepatch/ special sunglasses. 

O = occupation (what’s their dream job?)

Weird but I kinda see him as a barista? Like maybe he works in partnership with Henry’s Bakery. 

P = parent (what kind of parent would they be?)

He is so sweet to his kids, but he will 10/10 call out bullies. 

Q = questions (do they believe in the supernatural? Aliens? Anything along those lines)

He likes creepypastas. He might believe in a few of them.

R = romantic (are they romantic during the relationship?)

He’s not great at romance, but he does let you know through actions. 

S = smile (what makes them smile without fail)

When you take his hand and kiss it when he’s over thinking something. 

T = together (how clingy are they? How long do you two spend together per day on average)

He usually falls asleep while cuddling. You’re also the only person he feels comfortable enough not to wear his eyepatch/special glasses around you. He doesn’t mind you seeing his eye. 

U = unbearable (what habit do they have that’s unbearable? What habit do you have that they find unbearable)

Sometimes he forgets the light in the bathroom. 

V = videos (do they take lots of videos or photos during your relationship?)

He doesn’t like pictures or videos bc of his eyepatch. But you take pictures anyway and reassure him that you don’t care that his eye is fucked up. 

W = wedding (what was the wedding like?)

It was a small wedding. He stood so proudly at the altar and beamed at you as you walked down the aisle and during his vows he stopped in the middle he stopped, “This is almost perfect, one sec,” And he took off his eyepatch and continued. You melted. 

X = eXtra (what’s an interesting fact about them that they don’t tell anyone about?)

His eye got messed up in an accident involving a fire hydrant. 

Y = yuck (what do they hate? Could be a food, sent, word anything)

People asking to look at his eye. Especially when they say “Ew gross.” if he actually lets them see it. 

Z = zzzz (how heavy of a sleeper are they? How do they sleep? What mood do they wake up in? Really any sleeping headcanons)

He loves sleeping with his head on your chest or stomach. He also likes being held, but he’d never admit it. 

—-

tags: @kingofsantafe @anon-pancake @green-tea-anon

[mandawrites]

|| fandom: south park || || pairing: creek || || notes: hi i literally just wanted to write the boys being cute in the halloween store from the last ep. this is my bare minimum contribution to the witch tweek fad lol. || 

“Maybe we should just be Ninja Turtles…” Tweek mumbles, staring at the ground and wringing the handle of the broomstick between his fingers.

Craig’s hand darts out and covers one of Tweek’s, grabbing ahold of the broom beneath it and halting his fidgeting. The suddenness of it forces Tweek to blink up at him in surprise.

“No. That’s what Clyde wants us to be. You should be whatever you want.”

Craig glances sideways at the wall of hats, eyes scanning each one carefully until he settles on one beside him. He plucks it from its hook and uses both hands to plop it on over Tweek’s mess of hair, tugging it down firmly.

“There. Perfect fit.”

The wide brim of the hat nearly blinds Tweek. With the tips of his fingers that he gently prods it just the slightest bit higher out of his face. He seeks out the mirror he’d been staring at before, gazing back at himself. The hat was huge, black and with a tiny pumpkin adorning the band, so tall at the tip that it curled back down against the back of his head, at the end of which dangled a small yellow crescent moon charm. Under the brim, his hair fanned out like the mane of a lion.

Craig sidles closer behind him in the glass, staring at their reflections with his arms crossed.

“How is it.”

Tweek touches the edge of the brim lightly. He’d been a bit nervous about possibly looking stupid wearing this, but...well, he definitely didn’t hate what he was seeing.

“It’s nice.”

“Great, let’s get it.”

“Well…” At this, Tweek whirls around until he’s facing Craig. “What do you think?”

“Oh,” Craig scoffs, waving a hand dismissively. “Don’t ask me that. We don’t have that kind of time.”

Tweek frowns. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means...”

Craig reaches out a hand to flick the hat brim, revealing even more of Tweek’s face beneath it.

“...I could write Encyclopedic-length novels about how cute you look.”

Tweek, as he does every time Craig utters something this sweet in so straightforward a manner, feels like he wants to die. Like, in a good way, but also in the sort of way where he’s still not used to someone loving him so casually like that. Craig seems entirely aware of it, the look he’s giving him growing more affectionate if not a bit smug the longer it drags on. Tweek tightens his hands around the broom, resisting the urge to stomp his foot and protest angrily.

Instead, left with nothing else to say, he hastily changes the subject off himself.

“W-where’s your costume, then?”

“Right here.”

Craig uncrosses his arm to reach behind his back, pulling out the fuzzy black headband he’d apparently tucked in his pocket. As he begins twirling it casually around his index finger, Tweek can clearly see a pair of triangular ears sitting atop the band.

Then he slips it over his hat.

“Meow meow, bitch.”

Tweek stares at him, notably expressionless in a way that was a clear testament to the amount of time he spent around Craig.

“That’s it, huh.”

“You’re lucky I managed this much.”

To be fair, he had a point. Tweek wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised if Craig had instead settled on a piece of paper that said “cat” and affixed it to his chest.

“I didn’t think you liked cats enough to want to be one.”

“Well, it was this or pizza.” Craig stops in the middle of his thought as he gets distracted by the thing he just said, the faintest shade of excitement suddenly lighting up his eyes. “They have a whole aisle with nothing but food costumes. Babe.” He put both his hands on Tweek’s shoulders. “I could’ve been a fucking slice of pizza.”

That’s all he needed to say. Literally everyone was aware of how much Craig liked pizza more than pretty much anything.

“Okay,” Tweek laughs. “Then you should have.”

“Nah. It wouldn’t have matched yours.”

“I could change mine. I could be, like, a pizza chef.” Tweek pantomimes tugging on a curled mustache that he didn’t have. “Wear one of those big poofy hats.”

“Next year,” Craig promises, nodding. “I’m down to be a cat, though. Whatever you want. As long as people know I’m with you.”

Tweek smiles softly.  “You really wanna do a couples costume, huh.”

“Yeah, of course. You’re, like...my boo, or whatever.”

The unexpectedness of him saying that causes Tweek to burst out in a laugh. Even Craig cracks a grin.

“That would’ve been funnier if you were going as a ghost. Can we redo this? Please change your costume.”

“Stupid,” Tweek mumbles through his snickering, gently pushing Craig’s arm. “And you say I’m cute.”

“Because you are.”

“Yeah, uh, not as cute as you.”

“Hey, do you wanna fucking fight?” Craig says with a scowl, pushing up his sleeve like he was ready to actually throw down. He makes it as far as putting a fist in Tweek’s face, which Tweek blinks at before knocking aside.

“Please don’t embarrass me in public. You and I both know I would destroy you. And have, for that matter.”

Craig stares at him a moment, struggling to maintain his tough guy demeanor, lasting all of three seconds before it melts away with a sigh. He drops his hands at his sides in defeat.

“I can’t even pretend to do this. You’re that fucking lovable.”

And before Tweek can say anything more Craig yanks down the brim of the hat until Tweek’s eyes are completely hidden beneath it. There’s yelps of surprise and protest before Craig swoops in and kisses him quickly on the mouth. Which just makes Tweek yell more.

“Oh, hey, we found you guys.”

“Told you, man, we just had to wait five seconds before Tweek started screaming somewhere in the store.”

Tweek manages to readjust the hat off his face just in time to witness Token and Clyde round the corner.

“Baby, look,” Craig says, elbowing Tweek. “Clyde’s an avocado.”

“An arr-vocado, dude,” Clyde says exasperatedly, pointing at his eyepatch and wiggling the wooden sword he had in his hand. “Like a pirate avocado. Come on, we went over this.”

“Sorry, yeah.” Craig turns to Tweek and gestures at Clyde again. “Whatever dumb thing he just said.”  

“What are you supposed to be, Token?” Tweek asks, tilting his head at him. Token was currently sporting a pink Mario Kart car around his waist, a Ninja Turtle shell on his back, a Spider-Man mask over his face, and a Naruto headband on his forehead.

“I’m every obsession I’ve ever had since I was five years old.”

Tweek nods approvingly. “Original, I guess.”

“Hey, are you guys matching?” Clyde suddenly exclaims, getting a good look at the other two. “That’s fucking gross. You’re too cute.”

“But he’s cuter, right?” Craig says. “Have you seen the goddamn pumpkin on his hat.”

Tweek looks more than eager to resume this argument, his mouth opening in swift retaliation. He is instead interrupted by what sounds like a harmonizing chorus of synthesizers from somewhere outside the store.

The boys all stop and glance around listening before a familiar obnoxious high-pitched voice shrieks a greeting above the music. They all then stare at each other in a shared moment of regret for having left their homes that day.

“Is this...who I think it is,” Token asks, sounding about as tired as they all felt.

They all knew exactly whose voice that was.

“Yes, obviously,” Craig says, rolling his eyes. “It was dumb of us to think we were going to make it through this whole day without Kyle and that fucker ruining it.”

“Should we...” Clyde says with a shrug. “I dunno, go check it out?”

Craig really doesn’t want to, none of them want to, he’d rather just stay in here and kiss his witch boyfriend a thousand times until whatever was going on outside blew over.

He sighs.

“Let’s just pay and get this over with.”

[ernmark]

Does Rita actively try to help Juno through his depression and intrusive thoughts? If so could you please show us some instances where she does?

She definitely tries to make an effort at it.

We don’t see it much in Season 1, in part because we don’t see all that much of Rita in general, and in part because Juno’s depression isn’t quite as major of a theme, and partly because Juno’s got something that he’s actively working toward during the entire season that keeps him too busy to get too preoccupied inside his own head.

In Season 2, though, he’s so much worse than he was before. 

RITA: Boss, you been different since your eye blew up, realdifferent— You’re cranky all the time now! I mean, you were always cranky, but thisis different! (Kitty-Cat Caper)

And right away there’s evidence that she’s tried to help him through it, spinning a pretty horrific physical mutilation into something more lighthearted and at least somewhat positive:

RITA: ...you justshowed up with an eyepatch one day and after I was so worried about you cuz youdisappeared but you said it was okay so I thought okay maybe we can dress upand buy a little beakmonkey like all the pirates get in the movies— 

Rita’s been giving him his time and space for six months without pushing him for an explanation or even to act beyond his capabilities. And that’s her trying to help him with his depression.

And this scene itself? When he gets physically violent and smashes her stuff, she doesn’t cower-- she calls him on his bullshit and holds him accountable, and that also is her helping him through it. 

And she is holding him accountable, not rubbing his face in it. She’s calling him out because she’s hurt, but also because she cares. And she’s not blaming him for not trying hard enough or whatever. She understands that there are extenuating circumstances. She’s not taking it personally, which is... just so very nice, I gotta say. 

JUNO: Rita…It’sjust a dry spell. That’s all.

RITA: That’s theproblem, Boss. You always get like this when you don’t have a case.

And once he concedes, she forgives him and immediately suggests that he get some sleep, and offers to help him get back on his feet.

JUNO: I…yeah, sure. I guess.

RITA:��Well, I’m gladyou seen the error of your ways. Now go take a little nap in your office andI’ll call you just as soon as the next case comes through the door.

When he’s anxious about his abilities, she builds him up and encourages him:

RITA: Boss, you can do it! I know you can do it! You’re Juno Steel, remember? The winner of the HCPD’s Sharpshootin’ contest three years in a row!

When he’s caught in a spiral, she tries to help him logic his way out of it:

JUNO: Hey, Rita?Cancel that order for a new case. I’m feeling under the weather today.

RITA: What! But MistaSteel, you can’t! You gotta take a new case! You gotta helppeople!

JUNO: They don’twant the kind of help they’d get from me, Rita. I haven’t done anything goodfor anyone in months.

RITA: Of course youhave! You got Mick outta all that trouble with that shark!

JUNO: Thatwas a loan shark, Rita. I paid him.

RITA: Well,you got Cassandra Kanagawa off Mars, didn’t you?

JUNO: Thatwas you.

RITA: Well, it wasyour idea! And… and… hey, because of you, Billie Navarro is dead!

JUNO: That’ssupposed to make me feel better?

RITA: She was a realmean lady, Mista Steel. I’m sure it makes… someone feel better?

And again at the end of the episode:

RITA: Hey…what’s the matter, Boss?

JUNO: Nothingyou can fix.

RITA: But… we won!It was just the case you were waitin’ for, exciting and life-threatening, andit even ended with some real nice fireworks! It’s everything you coulda askedfor, and Ms. King is safe now, ain’t she?

JUNO: I’llsee you tomorrow, Rita.

RITA: Well… alright,Mista Steel. You’ll feel better after you sleep a little. You gotta. I know youwill.

Notice how it just doesn’t get any footholds?

We keep seeing her do this stuff throughout the season, but it never really takes, does it?

She’s not the only one who does this stuff, either. Mick and Peter are also pretty awesome at being supportive of their depressed little lady, but more often than not it doesn’t land. When they offer him space, when they offer him positivity, when they offer him solidarity, when they offer him reality-- sometimes they can derail his spirals, but there’s only so much that they can really do to help him.

And that comes back to a sad reality that’s talked about at the end of the season:

But it never worked -- none of the people he'd ever helped had stayed helped -- because you can't force someone else into it. Because getting better's always on you. It has to be. And that doesn't mean you're alone, doesn't mean you can't lean on others when you get tired or ask for directions when you get lost, but... Getting better's a long road. And if you want to go down it, you have to start walking. (Man of the Future)

Juno has to make that decision over and over again: in the FreeDomer’s compound, in the desert, in the Cerberus Province, and inside his own head. 

And after he’s made that decision, Rita keeps doing the exact same stuff she’s been doing, but for the very first time he’s actually responding to it.

When she calls him out (via the THEIA bot) for leaving her behind, he realizes and acknowledges his wrongdoing and apologizes. 

THEIA: Cuz maybe then she should disappear for weeks instead. Not say anything. Cuz that would definitely make you less worried. And not way more worried. Ain't that right. Boss?JUNO: Oh. I… What did I do? Rita, I’m… sorry. I’m so, so sorry. (Long Way Home)

And just like before, after she’s aired her grievances, she hugs him and forgives him. 

JUNO: I... Uh... I'm sorry, Rita. I'm just... So sorry. It won't happen again... Rita?

SOUND: RITA TACKLE-HUGS HIM.

RITA: I missed you, Boss. I was real worried.

JUNO: I know. I hear you. For once. And I missed you too, Rita. Really.

And when he does misstep, she reassures him that she’s still on his side, even after he’s been called out.

RITA: And besides, Boss...(SHE HUGS HIM)JUNO: (GETS HUGGED)RITA:I ain't goin' nowhere. (Man of the Future)

And she keeps calling him out. 

RITA: Mista Steel, how come you're bein' so mean to your second-best friend!JUNO: Because he's a chump, Rita. I always knew he was a chump but it's still disappointing to find out just how true that is.RITA: Oh, come on, Boss--JUNO: You "oh come on!" Sorry. I'm just... disappointed. I really thought that he'd have the answer, or at least that... Ramses wouldn't sucker him, too. Like he did me.RITA: Aw, Boss...JUNO: Either way, I don't think Mercury's gonna help us with this one. And we only have... Twenty-one hours left. We've gotta keep moving.RITA: But first...?JUNO: "But first" nothing! All of Oldtown, hell, probably all of Hyperion's on the line, and you want to "but first" about my loser friend? No! Hell no! ...Yeah, wow, that sounded pretty bad, huh?RITA: Mmmhmm.JUNO: I should probably just... apologize. 

I’d like to point out here that she’s not being mean or nitpicky here-- she’s helping him not be an asshole and push his loved ones away. She’s recognizing that this is a behavior pattern that he falls into when he’s scared and self-loathing, but it doesn’t excuse him being cruel to the people around him. 

And because Juno’s in a place where he wants to get better, he’s accepting this as constructive criticism, rather than a personal attack or evidence that he’s a terrible person. 

Rita also acts as a point of calm to ground Juno through his own panic/depression spirals:

JUNO: This is a nightmare… A billion to one chance... oh god damn it, this is a nightmare…!RITA: I can do CPR, Mista Steel. You just tell me when he’s breathin’, okay?

And again:

JUNO: A bad spot! Me? After all the times I've scraped you off the sidewalk, Mercury, you're really gonna stand there and tell me that you were worried I was gonna put you in a bad spot?!RITA: Mista Steel.JUNO: What?RITA: I'm almost there. Okay? It's almost done.JUNO: Right. Right, almost... done. Thanks, Rita.RITA: No problem, Boss.

And again, when he’s starting to voice some intrusive thoughts:

JUNO: I told you I'd change. Hell of a lot that was worth. Maybe the Theia was onto something. One bad choice and all your progress is gone. Maybe the reason it was so terrifying was because it was right.RITA: No, Mista Steel, I think it was probably scary because it brainwashed your best friend and then threw him through a door at you.

Notably, she also helps Mick calm down from a panic spiral:

MICK: Me and...?! What, did I already do something wrong? Ohhhhhh I knew I shouldn’ta switched those two chairs when I moved in! They said this place was gonna be fit to my specifications exactly, and then I came in and saw the chairs and I went, “hey, maybe they’ll look better this way,” and they didn’t! And now they’re gonna kick me out of Newtown, aren’t they?!RITA: No, Mista Mercury. We ain’t gonna kick you out. An’ we can help you move the chairs back if you really want. (Man of the Future)

Also notably, even now, she’s powerless to help Juno if he’s not in a headspace where he is willing to be helped. Which is why she’s ineffective when THEIA Mick gets under Juno’s skin:

MICK: One weak day. That's all I'm saying, Jay. Your punishment for one weak day could be to lose fifteen years of progress. You could go back to feeling how you did after you were booted out of the HCPD. You might feel fine now, but...

RITA: He wouldn't! You don't have to listen to him, Mista Steel, you're better'n that now in a million ways, and I wouldn't letcha anyway, and--

And again here:

MICK: Puck Falco, that's right. Where are they now?

JUNO: I don't know. We... fell out of touch.

MICK: Heard that one before, am I right?

RITA: Mista Steel, this is all wrong! Diamond was gone before you left the HCPD and Detective Falco just transferred to another planet and--

I’ve gotta say, she’s really good at handling him when he lets her. I suspect that she’s developed a lot of these skills over the course of fifteen years being his friend, and this latest dark period is largely her exercising every skill she’s got in her arsenal to try and help him.