#on christmas i ate my weight in chocolate

[scribblesandsorcery]

New Year’s menu:

-hashbrown crust quiche with ham, mushrooms, asparagus, and green onion

-garlic herb cream cheese, smoked salmon and roasted asparagus wraps

-homemade baguette with garlic olive oil, brie, cranberry sauce, and pecans

-peach mango bellinis

[jilixthinker]

Lee Know with aphrodisiacs. THATS ALL I'M ASKING FOR. LEE KNOW + APHRODISIACS.

anon 💖 this has been sitting in my requests for the longest time! 🤧 but such an honest concept, i have been thinking about this a lot.

=͟͟͞♡ lee know × fem!reader

=͟͟͞♡ chocolate aphrodisiacs (hard thought)

Minho who is usually the brattiest of brats, always teasing and answering back before giving you what you asked him, until the day you try feeding him special christmas chocolate pralines and he just melts in your embrace while you are watching home alone on your sofa.

You are splayed on the couch, Minho squirming on top of you, straddling your laps and softly nibbling at your earlobe, quiet moans directly on your skin while you caress his plush tighs.

"Uhm... b-baby... I am so hot -ah- why does it f-feel so hot?"

You turn your head to kiss his jaw. His face is flushed and red, and his skin feels very warm against your lips.

"Oh kitty... you knew the chocolate was going to work. but you said you could resist, don't you? Mh... did you change your mind already?"

Minho moves from your ear to start licking at your neck. His tongue is soft and wet and he sucks tiny kisses near your collarbones.

"Uh- mh. Wan' to..."

He stutters while moving a bit above you, his body is feverish, semi-hard cock already forming a tent, the underline of it looking delicious. You move your hand to play with the head over the fabric of his pants, feeling the way it twitches under your touch.

"Want to what, princess? Tell me, I might give it to you since you are so nice and good today."

Minho sighs and looks at you from his spot, nuzzled on the crook of your neck. His lips are still stained with the remains of the chocolate his ate before, collected in the corner of his lips.

You grab his chin with your fingers and you slowly start to lick all over his parted mouth, the sweet taste of the chocolate invading your taste buds together with a little bit of his saliva.

Minho moans directly in your mouth, your hand still teasing the tip of his clothed cock.

"W-wan' to suck, please, please, let me... ah-"

You bite his lower lip and you slide your tongue against it, shoving your hand into his pants and palming him before grabbing his heavy balls and squish them softly.

"Kitty wants to suck but he's so lost than cannot tell me what? Aw, baby..."

You coo condescendingly and you keep rolling one warm ball on your hand, the weight so nice on your fingers.

"W-whatever.. please, I need it - ah."

You crush your lips against his, finally grabbing his cock fully and starting to jerk him off, the squelching sounds so dirty in the room.

"Kitty, you're so wet.. mh- so wet like a girl. My dirty baby."

You circle your wrist against his head, precum gushing out of his slit while minho lets out the most loving sighs on your lips. You start to rub on the sensitive spot under his tip and his tongue lolls out of his mouths.

"I'm gonna decide for you, pretty. Suck on my tongue while I get my filthy princess off, mh?"

Minho nods frantically and takes your wet muscle in between his swollen lips, starting to suck on it messily, spit soaking both of your chins.

When he comes, he lets out the most desperate moan, all shivering and trembling while spurting all of his release inside his underwear.

"Good kitty, so cute and obedient for me."

You kiss his temple and Minho crashes on your body. The smell of chocolate is still in the air.

Oh, you definitively have to do this more often.

[letmesleeponu4sumtime]

I’m waiting for this edible I took to kick in as I reflect on my day in bed; a hot water bottle on my stomach and sleepy tea nestled in my duvet because my nightstand is at an angle that makes it hard to reach. I got my first real massage today and enjoyed it thoroughly after being on my feet all day at work. My favorite part was when she massaged my head and face…my god. I ate birria tacos and then walked around the health and beauty section at Sprouts. It was like stepping into the Health Gossip Substack. I bought an other bottle of castor oil because I ran out and I’m going to start doing oil packs, 2 dark chocolate bars, a wool pack, and eye cream.

I want an electric heating pad for Christmas.

I found I sleep better when I sleep with the hot water bottle.

I turned on Malibu’s new joint album that’s become a regular night listen.

I liked lingering today; I lingered in the car outside the massage place watching all the employees break outside. I would’ve taken a picture if they weren’t looking at me. A man jump-roped, one of the women mindlessly paced in the parking lot as she took a phone call that looked like she was enjoying, the other scrolled on her phone resting her weight on her elbows. I took a picture mentally. The other moment of lingering was in the car waiting for my aunt and sister to come out of TJ Maxx. I watched people come in and out…load things in their cars. A lot of people assume they’re alone when they’re in the parking lot I’ve observed.

[qtmcwhiskersblog]

Restricting during family holidays! My first blog post :)

I’ve lost weight 🥰 something that is usually quite hard over Christmas and new year for myself. So I thought I would write down some of the things I did that made a difference for me. I apologise in advance if some of this is just really obvious and things your already doing - hopefully this helps someone reach their goals sooner!

💕 Tips for restricting during family holidays 💕

Restricting can be really difficult on holidays, there’s a lot of eyes on you looking at what you’re eating/doing. I found it wasn’t possible to completely fast but restricting was very easy when I did these things! Here are some of my tips on how to restrict during holidays

- [ ] Bring your own food and make sure you have your safe foods if possible. Be prepared. Bring low cal drinks to sip on.

- [ ] When you do eat make sure you do it in front of others even if you just take a bite at the table and go spit it into the toilet.

- [ ] Offer to help cook - keeping busy in the kitchen is a good way to hide from judging eyes - you also have a good excuse to say no to food ‘I ate while I was cooking’ - offering to cook also gives you some control over what is served. You could offer to make a big salad or bbq chicken breast etc

- [ ] Charcuterie platters and fruit plates are your best friends. Offer to put out a fruit plate to share and make sure your seen eating from it, even if it’s just a few slices of apple or watermelon. Same with the charcuterie platter- load it up with fresh veges and fruit (carrot stick, cucumber, celery, low fat tzatziki dip, olives, pickled onions, mini dill pickles, slices of strawberry, lean ham, dark chocolate) as well as the stuff others will eat. I’ve found this the easiest way to get people off my back!

- [ ] Say no breakfast - breakfast is the easiest meal to skip without raising suspicions ‘oh I never eat breakfast normally, Thankyou though!’ ‘Thanks so much for offering but I’m still full from dinner last night’ ‘just a coffee for me I can never eat in the morning but thanks though!’

- [ ] Skip lunch if you can - ‘I know I said I didn’t want breakky but I ended up having some oatmeal/toast/granola bar/fruit about half an hour ago so I’m not hungry now.’ Or ‘just something really small for me’ and walk away with it but don’t eat it.

- [ ] Make friends with the doggo if there is one - offer to take the dog for walks to keep moving

- [ ] Play with kids!! Kids literally never stop they’re a great way to stay moving. Play chasey and football etc and go on the trampoline, climb, run, swing whatever! Just keep moving. Offer to take the kids for bike rides and walks. Kids don’t care if you don’t eat they just want to play!

- [ ] Offer to sit/supervise at the kids table when eating even if you’re not a kid as long as you’re engaging with them - as above, kids don’t care if you don’t eat. If a kid happened to ask why you’re not eating a simple answer like a tummy pain is enough explanation for a child. Sitting away from other adults gets eyes off you, you’re free to eat as little as you please. Also people will gush over how good you are with the kids and focus on that rather than what you’re not eating. Trust me this works like a charm.

- [ ] Use a hangover as an excuse not to eat. If your of legal drinking age this is a great excuse to skip a few meals and snacks too - hangovers can last several days.

- [ ] Be seen putting food wrappers in the bin, even if it’s just something you opened for a child say it’s yours or you shared it.

- [ ] Dinner time is the hardest meal to get out of so I don’t bother trying to make excuses to get out of it - firstly I load my plate up with whatever salads and vegetables are on offer and pick the leanest meat in the smallest serve. If this isn’t an option say your having lasagne etc for dinner take a small portion and cut the food up into little bits - if someone at the table mentions needing a glass of water, napkin etc offer to go get it for them - whatever excuses you can use to get up and leave the table and draw out eating as long as possible. Long/frequent sips of water between small mouthfuls of food. Say how delicious the food is and something in particular you like ‘the cheese in this is great, what did you use?’ even if you haven’t actually tasted the cheese.

- [ ] Lie about food intolerances. Faking an allergy around family isn’t a good idea long term but saying you think you may have a gluten intolerance is a good way to get people to stop expecting you to eat bread and other carbs.

[m1stym0on]

doing all the days at once, below the cut *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

1. 5’7 , cw 111 , lw 94 , hw 180

2. sometimes i wish i was shorter but i do kinda like my height a lot too

3. i’ll make a separate post w my fav th1nsp0 atm

4. i’m not sure i have any ‘greatest fears’ about weightloss, i do get kind of scared that i’ll have to be hospitalised one day though just because of what my family would think

5. i want to lose weight because i always feel like i have to, i feel better about myself when i’m losing. it’s not about looks.

6. i do binge A LOT, my binges used to be between 4-8k cals but i’ve managed to bring them down to always under 4k. i binge when i feel ‘out of control’ wether that’s through emotions or because i overate my c@ls slightly. i hate it smmmmm

7. my parents can tell when i’m not eating, but i live alone so all they can do is buy me food.

8. i don’t ever workout really, i never have any energy. BUT i do try to get in 5k steps and 100 sit ups everyday :)

9. i was pretty chunky growing up so i did used to get a few comments, none were meant as insults though. since being skinny i just get positive comments about my weight and body

10. the hardest thing to give up is takeaways and going out drinking, the c@ls are just way too uncountable for me and i could work around it but it makes me SO ANXIOUS

11. n/a

12. i really love oatmeal, and yoghurt w granola and berries. i typically eat breakfast or protein bars or chocolate as well

13. i’m on 3dblr what do you think

14. my ugw is either 95/100lbs or whenever i decide i’m sick enough to recover (never)

15. i’m not either but i do sometimes like vegan/vegetarian alternatives to dairy or meat and i would definitely consider going vegetarian or vegan for a short amount of time - like maybe a few months?

16. i first decided to lose weight in december 2020, i was around 180lbs and immediately started a 1200cal diet that never ended

17. i’m not sure if i have an ed, if i do it’s probably ednos because i kind of have symptoms of a few different diagnoses

18. biscuits and cookies always get me man nothing else makes me lose control like that. gimme a pack of marylands and it’s over.

19. i ate fast food a few weeks ago, i don’t cut out ‘bad foods’ i just incorporate them into my c@ls

20. i don’t have any fav diet but i do love @honeysugarfree and all their posts <3

21. i’m a uk 6 or xs in tops and a uk 8 / s in bottoms :)

22. my lowest weight was i think 94, not sure because i stopped caring about the sc@le. i only gained because my auntie saw me at christmas for the first time in a while and then contacted my family about my ‘worrying appearance’. my dad ended up taking me to the doctors and i was put on a m3al plan, so forced r3c0very

23. no it’s not about the media, l0sing weight for me is all about how it feels on my body and comparing myself to people in real life, or that’s how it started anyways

24. i know the original terms meant community and pro acceptance but since now they have such stigma i’m not sure how i feel about them

25. i do struggle with p.rg1ng a few times a week but i’m trying to stop. i don’t actually remember the first real time but i do remember my ex bf teaching me how to thr0w up when i felt sick from drinking ??

26. i just want to feel valid in my eating problems, so i guess that’s what i want out of my ugw this time. but i’m also of course excited to feel fragile, delicate emo girl fr

27. i usually just have to distract myself if i’m around food like with gum or remind myself about my goals over and over in my head, i do find it pretty hard to be honest

28. i do really really want that th1gh g4p but i am kinda nervy about my short shorts and mini skirt not looking slut / tight anymore when i go out (dumb maybe)

29. honestly my definition of beauty is femininity

30. 10 facts! i do fine art at uni, i’m 19, i live alone, i have 2 little kitty cats, my fav colour is bluey purple. my fav flowers are chrysanthemums, peonies, hydrangeas. fav foods are fish and chips, pasta, COOKIES and biscuits, ramen (all so h1gh c4l i could die). alr that’s enough facts i can’t think of anymore my brain’s fried to pieces

okayy i just wanted to answer all these at once because i was bored, ily if u read it all ♥

[calmcoldevening]

Christmas shopping with Eric

Christmas shopping with Eric Draven

A few days before the holiday itself, you and Eric agreed to go shopping, and Eric was more than happy to participate in it.

You had a day off on the appointed day, so you subconsciously wanted to sleep longer. But Eric wanted to spend the day with you as soon as possible. He basically loved Christmas and the days before this holiday since childhood, because it was customary to spend these days with his family, and his family now was you. So, with a light weight on his heart, Eric decided to wake you up. He lay down on his side of the bed, pulling you to his chest and kissing the back of your neck.

"Good morning, my rose. It's time to get up. We wanted to spend this day together."

He won't be able to lift you up right away, but eventually he will. After a light sweet breakfast (Eric made pancakes with chocolate for you), you went on your long-awaited walk.

It was quite early in the morning, so there weren't many people yet. The cool wind gently caressed your face, small snowflakes fell on your face, making your nose wrinkle from tickling. Eric squeezed your hand gently, urging you to put the free one in your pocket. He didn't want you to get frostbite, and you didn't like warm gloves.

You walked slowly through the bright streets, looking at each sign with interest. The windows of the shops were decorated with flashing garlands with colorful lights, some of them even had decorated small Christmas trees. Your eyes were running away, clinging to every interesting detail, like a child. Eric liked to see this carelessness and the burning fire in your eyes, I am full of childish curiosity and joy. You couldn't even say that you woke up just half an hour ago.

You had a small list with you, but it seems that it has now faded into the background. You liked all these toys and little things too much. But the two of you still needed to buy some groceries for Christmas dinner and gifts for your relatives and friends. And of course, Eric wanted to choose the right gift for you. The latter was particularly difficult. Eric wanted this gift to be a surprise, but at the same time he wanted you to choose this thing yourself.

Eric was very patient and obediently followed you to every store. Of course, he was annoyed by the people around him, but he wanted to give you complete freedom of choice. He was here for you, for the two of you, and he wouldn't let anything ruin this trip.

As soon as you bought gifts for all your friends, Eric offered you a snack. You went into some lonely cafe. There were no visitors inside at all, but it was warm and cozy. As soon as you were settled and you began to study the menu, Eric decided to go to the toilet. Almost. While you were calmly waiting for him in a warm cafe, he walked briskly towards one of the shops you were passing. Oh my God, he noticed that jealous look of yours glancing at the necklace in the jewelry store window. And you were right. This necklace with a red stone would look great on your soft neck.

In the cafe, you both ordered a cup of coffee, hoping to warm up a little on such a decently cool day. Eric insisted that you also choose some kind of cake for yourself. The guy knew perfectly well how sweet things lift your mood. He watched with warmth in his eyes as you ate the cake with pleasure. He loved your magical sincere smile so much.

In the end, it was late afternoon before you returned home. Your cheeks were red, and Eric's hands were stuffed with bags of gifts and goodies. Now you were going to have an evening cuddle session to warm each other up.

[cozystarred]

January 4th :)

Eyeballed everything today bcs I felt like shit and had like 4 hours of sleep and then had to go to work 😔

Breakfast:

- Low-fat quark with granola and blueberries: ~160 kcal

Lunch:

- Ryebread with jam: ~90 kcal

- Low-fat quark with granola, raspberries, and some honey: ~185 kcal

- Skinny salty caramel bar: 62 kcal

Dinner:

- Pre-cooked rosemary chicken with veggies meal (didn't eat all of it): ~380 kcal

- Sweet potato fries: ~100 kcal

Snack:

- 1.5 cookie: ~150 kcal

- Candy: 30 kcal

- Milk candy: 16 kcal

Total: 1183 kcal

Burnt: 277 kcal

Net: 906 kcal

Slowly gonna be lowering my cal intake since idk what'll happen if I go from ~2k to 500 💀

(30 day thinspo + cal tracker):

Day 15-22:

15: Nope, not vegan or vegetarian. Not considerig turning it as well.

16: I think around 14/15 years old was when I first started actually putting in effort to lose weight? I just did a 15 minute workout every two days, but didn't watch what I ate at all. I've known since ~10yo I was bigger than the rest of my class though, the biggest in the friend group, etc. At the time I had bigger things to worrh abt though

17: I guess? Idk sometimes when I'm binging or eating normally I feel like a faker. I sometimes just feel so tired of everything I stop caring about calories. I'm also not underweight (bmi says I'm healthy and at a perfect weight, but how the fuck can I be when literally everyone else is so much thinner than me??)

18: Cookies T_T oliebollen (dutch doughnut balls), pepernoten, chocolate, hot chocolate, Crème brûlée, thousand layer cake, grapes, pancakes, chocolate covered raisins, sweet chili doritos, kaiser rolls. Too much.

19: Had a turkish pizza with döner the day before yesterday. Wasn't even worth the huge amount of calories since it tasted alright-ish. Regretted eating that, always do.

20: Don't really have one :/ I don't follow diets (just try to have a cal intake of ~500 kcal a day) because in the case I'm forced by family/friends to eat and go over my max kcal for the day I'll feel SO guilty, even if its just 50 calories.

21: Clothing sizes suck bcs I'm wearing xs thermal leggings, an s long sleeve shirt, an m shirt (I have L as well). So it varies.

22: It's 55,7kg/122.8lbs. It's not that low, but I was SO close to my gw1 :( Then Christmas happened. And then we went to (my favorite) themepark for three days during new years and I binged like daily T_T (idk if I can call it a binge. Body was full, mind was rabid pig ig)

Some pictures from the trip ^^ despite the stress around food, I had fun. Next time I visit I will be skinny, and I will be able to like looking at pictures of myself.

[capriciouscaprine]

omggg, all my family does is EAT!

we got together after the end of the semester, but instead of doing something, we had dinner

they invited me over for the next day by telling me what they were making for dinner

we got together for christmas, and (all at home) had brunch, chocolates while we played two board games, and then started making and then ate dinner

I went to see relatives with my mom, and we had pastries and cake and dinner, with most of the activities being cooking and then one small wander around the yard

today, they invited me out again, specifically to go to a chain restaurant

FIVE DAYS IN A ROW where all of the genuinely planned activities were EATING!!!

and then my mom was mentioning to me that my sister (who is very active and slender but also now over 25) had 'admitted to' gaining weight and needing larger pants

you know, the same woman who keeps agonizing over being a bit larger than she was in college

and worrying about her husband's health but not actually getting him specific treatment for his joints

please, be so for real for serious

[zerocaloriesplz]

WIEIAD

chocolate: 81

Consumed: 81

burned: 250

Net: - 169

I’m a little disappointed in myself that I ate that chocolate but at least I was able to skip dinner. When I went into the kitchen to pretend I was eating I didn’t even feel hungry! My mom and I watched a Christmas movie and I resisted all food that she put on the table as a snack. Also my weight went down to 47kg!

[didnt-eat-for-three-days]

December 2024

26th: 61.9

25th: forgot to weigh... Again... 🤦🏻‍♀️

Binged on hot coco and panetonne

24th: forgot to weigh ----- i eat 5 minichocolates on empty stomach. WTH IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!!

Binged at Xmas dinner but it's totally allowed c:

now i have a headache and a stomachache 🤦‍♂️😢😭

btw is my period over? just 2 days? really? 🤨

23th: forgot to weigh ---- around 1200 kcal

22th: 61.3 ---- around 900 kcal

I got my period 👒

Today I eat a litle more since i dropped the water weigh. I had a migraine today i suposed bc of the low calorie intake. Still worth it. Tomorrow i'll eat more but not above of the 1400 kcal limit.

21th: 63.1kg ----- today i ate around 400kcal

I feel so guilty about this. I'm up almost 3kg in a little more than 2 weeks. I've been indulging myself using the "its christmas excuse". Not anymore. We're fasting till monday, then we'll eat under 500kcal until christmas. We'll only eat 1500 kcal on christmas day tops!

i failed when I ignored the acne on my face. i didn't have acne until 10days ago. it was an early warning.

i failed when I ignored my body feeling bloated and disgusted. it was another red flag i voluntary decided to ignore.

i failed when i stopped weighting myself consistently. i voluntary decided to not doing it using "i forgot" as an excuse. I knew it is important for me to weight myself every day in order to keep my weight and my mind in order.

i failed when i stopped to register what i was eating. i knew if a cant tell how many calories and macros it has in it, i cant eat it.

i failed when i break my "no liquid calories" rule. i knew i only drink water, coffee and tea on daily basis. i knew my only exceptios are chicken soup or, if i'm feeling depressed, 1 cup of hot dark chocolate with cinnamon and nutmeg with no sugar or dairy. i knew i only drink milk on cheating day. Despite knowing my rule by heart, i drank soda many times and hot chocalate not made by me (with an excess of sugar, butter and all that xmas stuff) this month and drink milk almost everyday. i also put sugar and honey in my own hot chocolate without feeling blue.

i didn't take my cheating days or i used them as an excuse to over indulged myself. Cheating day is a day when i can enjoy some treat or to eat a meal i've been exciteadly craving the whole week. NOT to binge to the point i feel sick of my stomach adn disgusted with myself.

i basicly neglected myself but i also can make damaged control and be better. I always can do better. I'll do it better. I'll treat myself, my body and soul better.

I forgive myself for not taking care of my body this month. i'll make up to it taking back the right path.

i'm grateful for being kind with myself and happy for being able to forgive myself. My body is precious i won't hurt it again with food that is not appropiated for nourishing it and feeling happy with it.

i hugh myself and love me for being me and being capable for aknowledge what i did and what i didn't.

i'm taking the right path again

i feel happy again, i'll do better :)

17th-20th: BINGED

What is wrong with me?? I've been binging the whole frigging month!!!!!! 😭😭😭

16th: 61.7

15th: 61 // 250g panettone - i feel sick of my stomach 🤢- no more panettone for this month.

14th: 61.7 // sweet chinese food, extreamly sweet crossaint, extreamly sweet hot chocolate.

13th: ULTRA BINGED. // bougth a new cel.

12th: 61.2 / cheat day: 8 churros glaseados, roasted chicken, maki buffet

10th: 61 / roasted chicken at night

7th: 61.2

6th: 60.8 / a dessert

5th: 61.3 / a maca muffin

4th: 60.8 / 6 pieces of bread at night :(

[becoming-happy-for-myself]

Day 63 / 75 Soft 🍁

Starting Weight: 72,3 kg / 159 lbs

Last weeks Weight: 70,2 kg / 154 lbs

Current Weight: 70,2 kg / 154 lbs (- 2,1 kg / 4 lbs since the beginning)

Showing off my closed rings for October and November because I'm so proud of myself for being this consistent with moving my body ❤️‍🔥

⚖️ : My weight has stayed the exact same as last week. I'm pretty happy about it considering I didn't eat very well. I had a hot chocolate with whipped cream every single day, as well as some treats here and there, and not just on my "cheat meal". I don't know why I've been slacking with my diet lately... But I've decided that the remaining days until day 75 will have no more cheat days. I want to see results! 🤞🏻✨

🚰 : The 3 liters of water is still very dependent on the day. Some days I don’t mind it at all, other days I have to chug half a liter before bed.

🏃🏻‍♀️ : I’ve been continuing on varying my workouts, and even took a stroll through the snow which I really enjoyed. In general I'm getting in the Christmas mood way more this year! 🎄

🍓 : I have to cut out the snacking. On top of drinking the hot chocolates, I also ate almost an entire thing of Nutella, which is 250g... I wanted to buy it for breakfast on Sunday, but just knowing that we had it in the house made me crave it sooo much all the time. Gotta tell my boyfriend to hide the rest of that from me until the challenge is over 🤷🏻‍♀️

📖 : The German version of "Iron Flame" is finally out!! So excited to read it, even though I want to pace myself, so I only want to read one or two chapters every night. But I'm super excited ✨

Only 12 days remaining in this challenge. Let’s goooo 🤍

[darsynia]

Trust Fall | Ch 23

ARC by Eury Escodero | gif by @cindysmoon

Story Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Summary: Tony/OC, ‘terrorists made us fall in love;’ IM1 timeline. In this chapter, Emory feels the effects of the serum withdrawal and gets some details about the mission she's been drafted into.

Length: 4,795

Taglist: @starryeyes2000 @raith-way @arrthurpendragon @themaradaniels @starksbf @chickensarentcheap @tiny-anne

Excerpt:

Emote: You still have my shirt

Metal Man: I’m sleeping with it in lieu of you being here

Emote: Aww, that’s kind of sweet

Metal Man: Yeah, well, the next step is to dress Dum-E in it and roleplay little arguments about how much of my arm real estate is on display

She is entirely too shy to admit she’s been sleeping with his clothes, but her heart is full to bursting at the comparison. Unfortunately those thoughts could generate power, which is a bad idea in the car, so she goes for a joke to defuse the romance potential of their conversation.

Emote: That is so ridiculous!

Emote: I’m way shorter than that thing!

Metal Man: I was expecting you to object to the lack of boobs, but actually that was me. I object to the lack of boobs. I miss boobs. Yours in particular.

Chapter Twenty-Three: Heat Haze

“Apparently, I have a lawyer,” Emory tells Clint as she reads an article written about sightings of her over the past few days. ‘Emory Autumn’s lawyer’ asks for privacy as she builds her life back from scratch. Whoever wrote it isn’t wrong-- but she doesn’t remember being consulted about it. If it’s the same gentleman she spoke with by phone to discuss the forged POA papers, though, she trusts the man’s judgment. He’d done a lot to reassure her about that situation, and had promised to contact the police on her behalf.

“Good,” Clint says. “You’ll be able to defend against my civil suit for emotional distress after you ate the last of my seasonal chocolate.”

She lets half of the paper fall forward so she can glare at him. “You said I could have anything in the cupboards!”

“I forgot they were in there!” He flips a coin that lands in exactly the right way to knock a piece of wood into the window latch, releasing it so the hinged pane swings open. He tosses another at the opposite window, with the same result. The immediate crossbreeze is a blessing in the hot July temperatures. “They had Christmas wrappers, Emory. That should have been a sign.”

“I thought I was doing you a favor!” Emory argues, scooting forward on the couch in preparation to get up. “Do you know how demoralizing old chocolate can be? You are so ungrateful.” She goes to stand up, but her knees fail. It’s as if they’ve liquified and cannot hold her legs straight anymore. Emory falls back onto the couch, her insides flash-frozen from the splash of adrenaline and fear.

“Em?” Clint says, rushing over.

The now-familiar weight in the pit of her stomach sinks lower, and for the first time she recognizes its similarity to the aches and pains she’s been feeling in her joints over the past week.

“Oh my God,” she whispers.

“Serum withdrawal?” he asks, concerned. All Emory can do is nod, but when she sees him go for his cell phone, she pushes herself to elaborate.

“I’ve been feeling ‘off’ for at least two weeks, but I figured I was just tired. I thought that bone-deep weight pain was anxiety!” she croaks, her vocal cords feeling thin and brittle. She pulls his lone couch pillow onto her lap and buries her face in it.

“You had one job,” Clint teases, sitting down beside her to rub her back with a wide, warm hand. 

He’s right. She was taught a few maneuvers they wanted her to know, but the crux of the mission is based on the debilitating effects of serum withdrawal. Everyone is waiting for her to get sick, but the pain had crept up on her so subtly that she’d completely missed the signs.

“Hey, Nat. It’s time. She says they might have been happening for a while,” Clint’s saying into the phone. “Yeah, I agree. No more than ten days.”

Ten days sound like a lifetime to endure in terms of deterioration and far too soon when looking at her own preparedness. If the alternative is to progress through pain like this until she dies, though, Emory would rather face her fears, both real and imagined.

“I took your suggestion and offered to back up all the records, so there’ll be more than just SHIELD ops on these,” Rhodey says, setting down what sounds like a very heavy box onto the floor beside Tony’s desk. To check for sure, Tony reaches out a foot and pushes against it with his toes. It’s as solid as Gibraltar. He gets up and offers his seat to his friend. 

“They just let you hobble out with decades of this stuff?” Tony asks, crossing his arms and looking down into the box. It’s a collection of hard drives of varying ages, all jumbled together like tetris pieces.

“They wanted me to find something to do while on desk duty with this leg, so I did,” Rhodey shrugs. “It’s not like there isn't a warehouse somewhere with all the paper copies.”

Colonel Rhodes had been one of the airmen injured when an improperly secured load gave way. Tony still hasn’t found out whether he sprained his ankle running away or being struck by something, which really only matters for the teasing.

“In reality, I’m doing you all a favor, is what you’re saying,” he says, lifting out the first ancient-as-hell hard drive. 

Tony heads over to rummage in a drawer of cables, looking for the right connector to start copying over the data. There’s something symbolic about the fact that his father had kept exactly the right kind of cables for the copy, but had never rigged up this basement lab space with the kind of airflow that made it bearable in the summer. Howard Stark always did prioritize machines over people, except maybe when Steve Rogers was involved.

“Either that or you’ll piss them off by helping me do it too quickly.”

“There’s no reason why you can’t just wait to tell them you’re done, Mr. Eagle Scout!” Tony points out. “I’ll text Happy to go grab some of the terabyte drives we have in storage. We’ll expense them to your boss, and you can take two boxes in when you go back to work.” Rhodes is notoriously reticent with pain medication, so Tony pushes that button, just because. “On second thought, maybe just one at a time. You’re probably on some pretty hefty drugs, and those hand cart dolly things count as heavy machinery.”

“Speaking of heavy machinery, are you ready to let me take a look at the device you keep hinting at? The one that you said let you know what it’s like to fly?” Rhodey asks, completely ignoring his jab.

Tony doesn’t want to show Rhodes the suit. It wasn’t built for war, but he’s not naive, not after all the years he’d spent consulting for the military. There are five, maybe ten places in the carapace that could be modified for weaponry, and that’s just off the top of his head. They’ve been best friends for years, but James Rhodes is a model soldier. He’ll see the practical applications right away, but once his colleagues get ahold of the armor, they’ll want to add weapons to it, guaranteed.

He brushes off those thoughts and tosses a flippant comment at Rhodey.

“I thought you liked airplanes, Orville.”

“The Wright brothers were as fascinated with the design process as they were with flight, you know that, don’t you? From what you’ve implied, the thing you came up with involves both.”

Tony leans over to make sure the copy’s going, but when he straightens up, he lets a big grin cross his face. “Almost better than sex. Almost.”

“Even with that woman you were--”

“Are,” Tony corrects. “And that’s why you’re doing this for me. Shield’s got their claws in her, and I’m going to get my claws in them.” Since Rhodey had been teasing him about settling down or catastrophically falling in love for years, he changes the subject. “You guys good to find another weapons supplier? Anyone but Hammer, okay?”

“Maybe we should. Watching the troops struggle with that guy’s shitty designs might be enough to change your mind,” Rhodes tells him. He reaches down as if to scratch his leg and frowns at the bulky boot that encases the lower half of it. “Damn. It’s really tempting to sleep for a week, if only to stop my damned leg from driving me crazy inside this thing.”

“Yeah, the itching is the worst. I’ve got this, okay? Most of it doesn’t need much more than mild supervision,” Tony tells him. “Skedaddle, Daddio.”

“I’ll go on one condition: you never say that again. Ever.” 

“Fair enough. I’ll call you when I get those drives, this’ll take a few days, tops. I’ve got multiple computers that can work on this. Go rest.”

Rhodes agrees, and Tony walks with him to the car. He’s happy his friend chose to have a driver for this visit, and even happier that circumstances had worked out to give him access to those records. Just like with the SHIELD agent before, Rhodes’ hired car had parked out front, and Tony watches it drive off from the front door, almost thumping his forehead against the frame in a form of violent stress relief. There are probably still cameras watching the front of his house, though, so he ostentatiously scratches his face with a middle finger and goes back inside. 

He heads back in after waving goodbye at the retreating vehicle, anxious to get started on the protective armor he’d started designing for Emory. As cool as it is that she can fly under her own power, the emotion-based nature of that power leaves her dangerously exposed, as does the idea of using air as any kind of protective barrier. The trick had been finding a material that’s light enough not to need significantly more power consumption to stay aloft, but Tony’s pretty sure he’d found the right combination. As a bonus, he’d been able to devise a fastening system that she can easily get in and out of, something that wouldn’t work with his heavier, thicker metal plates. That part isn’t fabricated yet, though. He doesn’t have a Bridgeport at the New York house, but despite JARVIS’s jokes about his rapport with the lab guys, they haven’t minded him stopping by to make a few things. They’d liked the attention.

Emory’s mission can’t be more than three weeks off, not that he expects that they’ll let him know very far in advance. There are a few more tests to run on the efficacy of her armor, tests that would be easier if he could ask Emory to spin air around the prototype while he tested how much mitigation that adds-- but Tony would rather surprise her. The plan is to fly back to LA tomorrow for a day and a half so he can use Stark Industries’ wind tunnel. It’s just a shame the palladium shipment won’t be there yet. Tony’s own improved arc reactor design allows for palladium inserts rather than a depletable ring, so he can at least build the power core for her suit without having to wait for Obie to show up with it next week.

When he gets back to his workroom, Tony heads for the boot he’d been doing wirework on. On the table beside it is a floor-incorporated design for the Disrobe-Bot, but he pushes that aside for now. The wiring for Emory’s suit has taken a little longer than his own, mostly due to him having left the best tools in Malibu. He tells JARVIS to make a note that he should pack some of them up to bring back to New York. 

“Certainly sir. In addition, you should know that the preliminary results from our SHIELD analysis are proving concerning,” JARVIS says.

“I am Jack’s complete lack of surprise,” Tony mutters under his breath. Director Fury has yet to call, not that he’s surprised. He’s observed that, quite often it’s the ‘little guys’ who are more trustworthy than upper management. Barton and Romanoff feel like they’re legit, if mysterious. Coulson and Fury? Conniving at best, duplicitous at worst. “Lay it on me,” he says, louder.

“Drawing solely from public data, there is a twenty-two percent overlap of SHIELD ops at locations where adverse events occur within a week’s time. I believe the deviation from random chance is enough to warrant more investigation. However, this may change when the confidential missions are factored in.”

Tony squints one eye, then another, as he tries to figure out what his AI is suggesting. He tosses out a guess. “Are you saying that SHIELD has managed to schedule actions that coincide with crisis events so often it might be on purpose? That’s far more likely to be bad luck, wouldn’t it?”

“The number of occurrences are statistically significant.”

“Not to question your diligence, J, but have you factored in the idea that at least some of those missions were designed to prevent the catastrophes in question? That the public facing part is a smokescreen?”

“I have.”

Tony stands in silence digesting that idea as the soldering iron he’s just turned on heats up. “That’s… bad, right?”

“Quite possibly. More data is required.”

Tony shuts off power to the soldering iron and shoots a text to Hogan saying he’ll pick up the hard drives himself. He’ll see what computers are laying around unused and bring some of those home to expedite the copying process. It seems like the most important thing he can do to protect Emory right now is find out what her new buddies are really up to. 

He’d love to find out the location of her mission, too, but that will be more tricky. If SHIELD finds out he’s even thinking about that, they’ll probably trump up enough charges to keep him tied up in legal knots for years.

The benefit to being covert in D.C. is the proliferation of governmental offices. Emory knows that she’s being watched mostly tangentially by the press; thankfully Tony’s reappearance on the social scene and her extreme ordinariness has done a lot to neutralize Rory’s accusations. The general consensus is that she’s working with ‘the government’ in relation to the kidnapping, something that Tony can’t do because of how busy and difficult he is. Any residual talk about the whole thing has been more about the nasty letter Tony’s lawyers reportedly sent to Rory.

Emory’s lawyer has strictly instructed her to avoid any contact with her former boss (not that there’s been an attempt, which she supposes would hurt more if she hadn’t been forcibly removed from Rory by the kidnapping in the first place), and to stick to ‘no comment’ if/when she’s asked about it. That’s only happened a few times, though. The car that SHIELD sends for her blends in with all of the other cars like it, and sometimes they even duck into a nondescript parking garage and wait a while, just to muddy the waters.

As she often does to pass the time during the ride, Emory sends Tony a text through his private messaging app. He’d explained the high level of encryption to her in a note he’d sent with the phone, which she’d thought was adorable. The entire thing read like complete gibberish to her. At first she’d felt stupid and insecure about it, but eventually Emory realized that he’d taken the time to explain, rather than assuming she’d never understand.Someday she’ll ask how much is made-up tech speak, which, knowing Tony, has a 20% chance of being true. 

Tony is inordinately proud of the fact that his pre-existing music-related username is even more apropos nowadays.

Emote: You still have my shirt

Metal Man: I’m sleeping with it in lieu of you being here

Emote: Aww, that’s kind of sweet

Metal Man: Yeah, well, the next step is to dress Dum-E in it and roleplay little arguments about how much of my arm real estate is on display

She is entirely too shy to admit she’s been sleeping with his clothes, but her heart is full to bursting at the comparison. Unfortunately those thoughts could generate power, which is a bad idea in the car, so she goes for a joke to defuse the romance potential of their conversation.

Emote: That is so ridiculous!

Emote: I’m way shorter than that thing!

Metal Man: I was expecting you to object to the lack of boobs, but actually that was me. I object to the lack of boobs. I miss boobs. Yours in particular.

Everything she can think of to say is based on his reputation as a womanizer, so Emory just sits there like a rock, biting her lip and staring at the phone waiting for him to say something else.

Two minutes go by.

She can’t take it anymore.

Emote: Tony?

Metal Man: I’m sorry, I got distracted.

Emote: Please tell me you weren’t thinking about physically modifying your robot so it can wear my shirt!

Metal Man: I was not

Metal Man: I was thinking that I’d rather talk about your boobs on a voice call. In detail. You free tonight?

Her hair blows into her face from the jolt of energy that prompts. Emory does what she’d practiced: she sets the gathered ball of power in motion around her head like an invisible crown. The energy packet will ruffle her hair and eventually blow out or knock itself free, but it won’t disrupt anything too badly. It’s a precursor to the actual shielding she’d tried before, but with a bit more density per ‘ball.’

That’s her power dealt with, but her body’s physical reaction is still raging. Because, yes, she does want to hear his voice, low and teasing, telling her to do things, explaining what he’s doing in response.

Metal Man: Please tell me you’re busy thinking about that.

Swearing under her breath, Emory scoots her body away from the back of the seat and adds another packet spinning around her shoulders.

Emote: Guilty as charged.

Emote: I can barely hold my phone now, I can’t even imagine what a mess I’ll be if you’re serious about this!

Metal Man: Oh, sweetheart, our hands will be too busy. That’s what speakerphone is for.

Fuck, she can picture that in full technicolor surround sound. The car comes to a complete stop and she looks up, surprised and certain something’s wrong, but they’re already at the Triskelion.

Emote: Speechless. Car ride over. Yes to the call. 

Emote: !

It’s all she can do to send her stored up energy spinning up into the sky above her before she steps into the huge lobby. Her phone vibrates, but Emory doesn’t let herself check it till she’s more calm. It’s been a while since she’d gotten so flustered, power-wise, but really, SHIELD would deserve it if she flattened a few fancy sculptures after the bullshit they’ve pulled on her so far.

Tony’s message is worth it, when she gets to peek at it in the elevator.

Metal Man: Good, looking forward to it. I’ll even promise not to make ‘Stark naked’ jokes.

She taps out a response, lips curving into an indulgent smile.

Emote: Don’t make promises you can’t keep!

She ducks into a bathroom and splashes water on her red face, trying to settle her imagination down. Both of their sexual encounters had included dim or nonexistent lighting, and she hadn’t even seen his mansion bedroom… but the images in her mind’s eye capture Tony with so much realism that she’s breathless.

The intense feelings of longing she’d felt in the cave had retreated while she was trapped at SHIELD, but they’re back now that she’s back in the modern world. Just as Yinsen had implied about his time confined with his future wife, Emory had expected that the rush of affection and desire she felt for Tony was about seeing him so often, learning his quirks, watching him hammer on metal, arms slick with sweat. But even though they’re separated by more than two hundred miles, she still wakes up expecting to catch a glimpse of Tony changing shirts, or see him angrily brushing back his shaggy hair as he glares at a schematic. She hasn’t gotten to trace her hands along the angles of his bare back like she’d promised herself she’d be brave enough to do someday.

“Shit, I swear I stepped in here for something more than cooling off, but what--” Emory mutters to herself. At least her frequent ‘thirsty’ thoughts lately have helped with keeping her power generation at bay. In addition, the flood of endorphins from her favorite coping mechanism eases the chronic ache from serum withdrawal. It’s a hell of a silver lining, but she’ll take it.

A text from Natasha pops up reminding her to take her pain medicine. Emory smacks her head in remembrance, shoots off a thank you text to Nat, and takes the pills, rushing back out to be on her way. There are two checkpoints to get into the conference room, and once she’s inside, Emory hears the hum of an odd-sounding machine.

“Sound scrambler,” the woman at the head of the table says. It’s Agent Sharon Harris, who seems to be leading the mission briefing. Harris offers a thin smile. “It’s probably overkill, but this will be the culmination of over two years of work, most of it undercover, all of it vital. We’re just waiting for Agent Barton to finish up with one of our suppliers, and we’ll get started.”

Emory hadn’t seen Clint, but Harris nods over to an alcove in the room where he is speaking on a landline in another language.

“I didn’t take his seat, did I?” Emory asks Natasha in dismay. 

Before Nat can answer, Clint does it for her. “Nah, you’re good.” He says to Harris, “Transport’s on, sightseeing tour is a go. The Army reserve ‘World War II in Two Weeks’ group will stop to see the Nazi massacre site of Baron Kovačevi’s private army early in the AM. One scenic drive later, we’ll be in position around noon.”

Nat watches him sit down across the conference table and remarks, “We’re going to another location directly before heading into Sokovia for that, right? I have some candidates.”

“Not that one,” Clint says, pointing with narrowed eyes. “We do not need to be hung over for this.”

“It’s not my fault you can’t hold your liquor,” Natasha purrs.

“If that’s settled, we can start with the overview,” Agent Harris says with the barest hint of a smile.

While folders of information are passed out, Emory whispers to Nat, “Is she your superior or is the leader different for each mission?”

She holds up two fingers, probably meaning option #2.

Despite her enduring dislike for her, Emory gains a new respect for Agent Sharon ‘Nurse Kate’ Harris as the hour-long briefing unfolds. Far from an opportunistic mission unlocked by her own unexpected capture, the lead-up to the assault on the serum scientist has been going for eighteen months or more. Harris has been undercover for much of it, posing as a negotiator for a dying crime boss from a place called Madripoor. After his death, she’d been offered a job working as a liaison between their target, the scientist, and his victims. Emory’s appearance had been fortuitous, shifting the focus of the assault to one where Emory, guided by Sharon, would suggest offering the serum to Tony Stark in an attempt to appeal to their target’s ego.

“Ms. Autumn is meant to be seen as a sad, beaten person who is out of luck, money, and options. All she has left is influence,” Sharon tells the room.

“Valid, but ouch,” Emory says, as all eyes turn to her.

Not long after that, the assault support team is asked to break off into a separate room to discuss logistics and travel. Natasha gets up and speaks with one of the agents, who nods and leads the group of twenty of them out.

“Starting to feel like a rabbit in a trap,” Emory says. She has managed to keep her fear-based energy generation at a minimum today, but it’s not nonexistent. Natasha’s focus on her ability to control herself is making a lot more sense now that she has a better idea of what they’re up against. It seems pretty clear that this villainous scientist will view her as an adversary until Emory proves otherwise, and he’ll be prepared for her to have ‘magical’ abilities as a matter of course. A beaten-down supplicant is going to generate outrage at a different pace than a deceptive adversary.

“Do you need to go toss some tornadoes, for courage?” Clint teases.

“No, but I’d take a time machine, if you’ve got one,” she jokes weakly. “I think Stark would be the better choice for a double agent.”

“Don’t worry,” Sharon says briskly. “Your demeanor only makes you more credible.” Without further pause, she starts in on a few of the things that she’d wanted to keep quiet from the rest of the team. 

Most of it sails over Emory’s head, all but one (encouraging but astonishing) thing: through her liaison work, Sharon has managed to make allies of two of the people currently working as ‘minions’ because of their inability to pay for the life-sustaining serum injections. It’s encouraging in a way, but Emory’s incredibly grateful that this isn’t what they asked her to do. Talk about a rabbit in a trap!

In the car on the way back to Clint’s, Emory can’t help but wish Agent Harris felt more trustworthy. Her demeanor is hard to deal with, but the woman’s actions have been nothing but helpful. Sharon Harris reminds Emory of a kind of ‘reverse’ Rory Fall, at least up to the last couple of years. Rory had always been careless or neglectful, but her attitude had remained friendly, albeit needy. She’d played the part of a lost, desperate best friend who couldn’t do without Emory’s help, paying lip service to their relationship while always choosing what was best for herself. Eventually, the people they worked with got tired of dealing with her shortcomings, and the veneer slipped. 

It should feel better to interact with someone trustworthy, whose actions speak louder than their brusque, dismissive words, but Emory almost feels conditioned to mistrust, at this point. She pulls out her phone and almost sends a message to Natasha about it, but the last thing Emory wants to do is look like less than a capable partner on the upcoming mission.

Clint will be gone for many hours yet, so when she gets inside the apartment, she locks it and heads into her bedroom, locking that door too. As they were leaving the conference room, Nat had asked her how her power generation control has gone lately. Emory was able to tell her truthfully that she sets aside some time every day to practice control during moments of strong emotion. That’s true, but it’s not always on purpose. Throwing herself onto the bed, she tries not to picture herself as a storm-tossed boat, but that’s hard.

She’s frightened by the pain of withdrawal.

She’s scared by the mission.

She’s angry at Rory.

She misses Tony.

These same emotions flash through her every day like lightning. Emory employs various strategies to dissipate any power that accumulates as a result, and she does try to learn how to diffuse the more powerful emotions before they get out of hand. All of that is reasonable, and it makes sense. The problem is that the most effective way to mitigate those strong emotions, the ones she’s wracked with when she curls up in bed, is… unorthodox, at best. She’d never be able to do it on a mission, in public, anywhere else, really. For the most part, Emory had avoided sex while working for Rory, and romance? Forget it. In a way, it makes sense that she’d be consumed by these feelings now. But something about her upbringing (or maybe the way she was almost never afforded privacy in her life as a PA) makes her feel like she’s doing something wrong.

Telling Tony she’s been touching herself for stress relief is impossible to imagine, even though he’s the person she thinks about the whole time. When he’d joked about phone sex, she’d nearly collapsed in on herself.

Emory rolls over on her side, pulling her phone from her pocket so it’s not uncomfortable. Suddenly, the familiar pain in her joints hits her. That’s new. Usually she has a mostly coherent, pain free existence until nighttime when the withdrawal pain catches up to her. But it’s three in the afternoon!

“Noooo. It’s too early, come on!” she groans. 

A sudden buzzing sensation under her has her jolting upright. Everything on the dresser across from the bed flies off into a heap. Emory hobbles over, pain seizing up her joints, but nothing is broken. Her blast of energy dissipated almost as soon as it had appeared.

On the bed, her phone is ringing. She must have been lying on top of it and missed the quieted ringtone. It’s faster to throw herself onto the bed and roll over to reach the darned thing than take the pained steps to walk closer.

“Hello?” In her haste to answer it, she hadn’t checked who was calling, but only two or three people have the number anyway.

“Hey, gorgeous. Why do you sound like you’re dying? You’re not dying, are you? I have a strict ‘no dying’ policy.”

Next chapter... Tony calls Emory up and the two of them greatly enjoy the ensuing... conversation.

[pbandjesse]

Man today has been a lot of driving. Well James is doing the actual driving. But being in the car for so much of the day has been rough. It wasn't a totally terrible day but I will be very happy to be home.

I slept alright last night. I was a better temperature. And when I woke up I felt alright. I got washed and dressed and felt pretty. James had woken up a lot earlier then me and was thankfully not as sneezy as yesterday. I felt so bad that they had such a bad runny nose. While I was finishing getting ready James was reorganizing the car and getting the last of my stuff into the car. And after hugs for the Fulwilers we were off.

We would stop for an actual breakfast first. They had had mini glazed donuts at the Airbnb but they made my mouth go numb so I only ate one before deciding I wanted real food.

And James was able to find a little cafe not far from the highway. I wasn't sure it was goj g to be open, the day after Christmas. But it was and it was honestly perfect.

The staff was super kind. James got a BLT and I got an omelette. An elderly couple came in who absolutely loved the stickers on our car and we had a lovely conversation with them about those but also about the Barbie movie. And I was in a lot better spirits today. Boxing day has no emotional weight, and I got to eat foods I like and have caffeine so I was doing a lot better.

And while it was a very long drive, it was mostly fine. New England was beautiful to drive through and there was a lot of fog and it was very pretty. I started l, and finished, the Dear America book I had brought with me. It was about a little girl living through Pearl harbor and it was unreasonably sad in the epilogue. It's wild that these are for kids. I did really enjoy it though and it kept me occupied for most of the ride.

Around New York though traffic got very bad. And our original ETA of 145 for pushed farther and farther to 3pm. And I was frustrated. We would make a stop to use a bathroom that had way to many people but I'm glad we stopped with how much longer the trip became.

It wasn't a terrible drive though. James accidently dropped the box of chocolates on my head and we got little chocolates everywhere so I had to try to find those while buckled in. We were laughing and being so silly. I really wanted to be out of the car but I was happy to be with my husband.

After I finished my book I spent a bunch of time texting with Jess. And being frustrated by the traffic but at 3 we got to langhorne and I was very happy to be standing for a while.

Hugs for my parents. But I wanted to see my Sweetp. He was sitting in the basement and because he's the best boy he listened to me when I said it was time to go and came upstairs. Where the dogs would upset him but he was being very good and sweet and tried to stay on the counters and tables to keep them from barking in his face. It was so good to see him.

We would sit in the living room and talk a bit. But the drive made me tired and it was hard to do to much. Mostly I was teasing my dad. He was also going over some more of the home inspection. He wishes he could come help. I hope he can muster up the strength to come down even if he can't do as much as he wants to. It would be nice to just have him there. But in the mean time I am bullying him. Out of love.

I got to show mom Percy the Purrble. She said he was very nice and I was like. Right? So pleasant. And after some hugs and some pictures we decided we needed to go. To stick to our original schedule even if we had been in the car more then an hour longer then planned. We wanted to get on with the last leg of the journey.

Getting Sweetp in his carrier was not easy. And he cried a lot. Once we were loaded in the car and mom pointed out some drips from our car so I was laying on the ground and she was laughing at me but I wanted to see if it was something I could see!! James thinks it was just condensation. They are probably right.

Once we got to the highway Sweetp started crying. And I felt so bad. I reached back and unzipped his carrier and he just sort of flopped out. I don't think he wants to get out but I think he wanted to stretch. And he's been perfectly fine since then.

The sun has gone done and we still have an hour until home. But when I get home I just want to wash my hair and rest. These long trips are exhausting.

It was a nice Christmas. And I struggled emotionally but today I feel a bit better. I hope to cuddle with my husband and enjoy being home.

I am glad I have some more time off. The time will help I think. I love you all and I hope you are safe. Sleep well everyone. Until next time.

[sk1nnyfairyy]

Pro ana, please dont follow if in recovery

A little about me/ why I'm here

Im 18 and ive been diagnosed with anorexia for about 4 years now

The reason i am here is because 2022 was the best and worst year of my life, best because i had reached my lowest weight, yet worst because my physical health was the worst it had ever been, with multiple hospital admissions due to refeeding syndrome, i was having seizures whenever i ate but if anything the seizures helped me not gain as i was petrified of eating incase i had a seizure.

The lowest my weight was 40.9kg and i loved it, everyone was telling me how sick i looked and told me they were worried about me,

However Christmas came round and i went home (i dont have scales at my mums house)

whats this fattys favourite food? Chocolate, and omg was there so much chocolate, i gave in and binged about 3000-5000 calories for about a week, it tasted so fukn good.

About a week later i went back to my place and weighed myself.... 49.7 fukn kg

WHAT THE FUCK

so here i am to try and keep myself reminded of that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

[chained-to-the-mirror]

Here I am again, with my thinky thoughts about where I am now when it comes to body image and suchlike. Will put this under a cut so I won’t disturb anyone who doesn’t want to read about stuff like that.

It’s been a few months since I last wrote about this… I just read it to remember where I was then. I had just dodged the calorie counting bullet, and the weighing bullet. I think I was getting back to a good place with my eating. And I was doing really well for a good while. Then Christmas season happened, and so did my moving house crisis. It has thrown my eating a bit off tracks, which I guess is common enough. Lots of snacking, less substantial eating. And, as a result, feeling off and crappy in my body. Which is why I’m writing this now, I guess.

The fact is that I have been snacking on unhealthy stuff lately. Not nearly as much as I have done at my worst, in the past, but a lot more than since last summer. I’ve been able to stick to the fasting schedule really well, and with no trouble. But the quality of my food intake is not ideal. My downfall is sweets, mainly chocolate. And it’s crazy, because I KNOW I feel physically better when I eat well - but still I keep snacking if the opportunity presents itself. 

All this has led me to believe I have gained some of the weight back. I feel very fat and uncomfortable. It’s not about clothes - they feel the same on me as they did before, not tighter. But the mirror seems to tell me that I look hideous and BIG. I know I am still big, and that will never change, because I’m just built like that. But the thing is, I didn’t feel as big before Christmas. I didn’t LOOK as big in the mirror.

I saw my hairdresser friend a week ago or so, and I hadn’t seen her since early December. She said I had lost more weight since then. And she’s not the type to just say that to be nice. But that didn’t help me feel more secure or less fat. I don’t know what would, to be honest - except getting back to a diet that feels right to me. I also saw the dietician a second time last week (I think) and she went over my two day food journal. But those were days when I ate well, because I was keeping a journal (obviously) - so it was not really a true test. But she said that for the most part it looked really good - all she wanted was for me to eat a bit more bread, and fish if possible. She was still wondering whether I eat enough, but it was better now than last time. I had incorporated some changes she suggested during our first meeting, and I’ve been able to stick to them. That’s something I’m proud of, because it meant adding food to my day, and definitely adding calories. In the past I would have had trouble with doing that.

Today I have not snacked much, mainly because I don’t have sweets in the house, but also because yesterday was really bad in the snacking sense. I hope I can start over now. Maybe I shouldn’t buy chocolate for a bit, since that obviously seems to be something I can’t have around currently. Anyway, it has felt really good to eat proper food, and decent amounts of it. What I see in the mirror remains the same, BIG. But at least I don’t feel as off as I did yesterday.

Something I did just now was take a pic of myself in the dress that gave me the most good vibes feeling ever when it comes to looks. The picture on the left was taken in late July, and the picture on the right is from right now. I will say that the dress feels quite a bit looser… but I think it felt looser before Christmas. I wish I had a pic of that too so I could see if that helped. I am none the wiser now.

All this makes it seem like I care a lot about the weight. I don’t. I care about how I feel… I want back the feeling I had in the autumn when I felt balanced. Looking at those pics now, I look much better in the left one. I hate my brain sometimes!

Anyway, this is some of what has been in my brain lately. I don’t know if this is of any use to anyone… maybe someone has some advice on how to be more objective about your image in the mirror - and how to eat sweets in moderation. A big one, that. Imagine if someone actually figured it out!

Will tag this with some ED tags - as always, just let me know if you want me to add a tag. Thank you for reading my ramble! ❤️

[beautifulreflections]

Blog Post 4: Looking back to move forward.

Blog Post 4: Looking back to move forward.

This week I’m remembering the why. I truly believe your willpower will only be as strong as your why. So, I’m taking you back to my why, which takes us back almost six years to the birth of my second son. It was a beautiful day, when He was born with His big brown eyes and brown hair making me the proud mom of two healthy boys. Except I still remember the nurse coming in every hour and pricking my youngest son’s feet. It was horrible. I was tired, He was tired, my husband was tired, and all I wanted to do was sleep, but the nurse had to check His blood sugar.

Why? Well because I had gestational diabetes all during the pregnancy leading up to the birth of my second son. My Dad had triple bypass surgery about three years ago, His mom had type 2 diabetes and later developed Alzheimer’s, and my aunt has type two diabetes as well. The gene pool clearly wasn’t flowing in my favor and the sickness seemed to trickle right down to me. The symptoms were low mood and a lack of energy, but I was mom. So, I chalked it up to job description. I mean, all moms are exhausted right? Apparently, these were warning signs of what was to come, I just didn’t know that at the time.

I ate sugar free chocolate pudding every day after dinner to curb my sweet tooth in a healthy way and took walks when my sugar was especially elevated. After I had my son, and after the heartache of hearing Him cry when the nurse checked His blood sugar, I moved on with life, sweets, and all. But a couple years ago I was diagnosed with chronic gastritis and acid reflux. So, this is when I became a vegan. I let go of the meats and cheeses, filled up the fridge with vegetables, and watched many documentaries about how diet is connected to overall health. My favorite documentary is still “What the Health” by Kip Anderson. In this documentary, Kip uncovers the secret to reversing chronic diseases.

After years of living a vegan lifestyle and seeing the health benefits including clear skin, good digestion, and overall increase in energy, I began to get lax in my efforts and became a vegetarian, and now I eat meat again. The point is that those habits are only as effective as my ability to maintain these healthy eating choices consistently and over a long period of time. Now I am focusing on eating healthy foods overall. I’m pulling back out those old but loved vegan recipes including crispy tofu with quinoa and steak seasoned zucchini. I even put some of the candy from my Christmas bag into the communal candy pile for someone else to devour. This may sound small to you, but it’s a big deal for me.

I said no to Super Bowl brownies and key lime cake last night, as well as all the diet sodas that I used to love. My favorite soda used to be cherry coke zero. The point is that Americans, myself included, consume too much sugar. I know I did, and I now must come up with a game plan to leave the sugar where it needs to stay, on the shelf for special occasions. According to the American Heart Association Americans on average consume 20 teaspoons of sugar per day while the recommended daily amount of sugar is 6 teaspoons for women and 9 teaspoons for men. Beverages make up most of our sugar consumption at a whopping 47% which include soft drinks, sports drinks, energy drinks, coffee, and tea. The second leading cause of excess sugar comes from snacks and sweets at 31%.

The point is, sugar consumption has gotten way out of control, especially in the United States, and we need to be aware of the risks associated with excess sugar which include chronic inflammation, tooth decay, acne, advanced skin aging, weight gain and obesity, diabetes and insulin resistance, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, brain loss, cancer, and premature death. Sugar though sweet can be deadly. It’s recommended by John Hopkins Medicine that we avoid sodas and other sugar sweetened beverages, reach for fruits instead of candy, cookies, or other sweet treats, read ingredient labels, and watch for sugar aliases. As it turns out, smoothies with no added sugar still taste sweet because that’s how they are made naturally. If we stop and think before we run to the sweets isle, in the future we will be happy with the choices we make.

            “Always begin with the end in mind.” - Ellen Muth

References:

“How much sugar is too much?” American Heart Association. https://www.heart.org/en/healthy-living/healthy-eating/eat-smart/sugar/how-much-sugar-is-too-much

Ndumele, Chiadi. “Obesity, Sugar, and Heart Health.” Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/obesity-sugar-and-heart-health