#okay okay okay enough treating my blog like my diary

[chickenchirps27]

hello denizens of tumblr i come with humble offerings

they wish to romance you

[cicidraws]

im not well.

[radiotorn]

im gonna throw up so much is wrong

[somuch-4-stardust]

something that peeves me is like. i dont even know how to explain this but sometimes people will try to comfort me when what im saying isnt meant to be all boohoo sad im just like. being realistic. like i appreciate the effort like genuinely so much but like. it almost feels patronizing? and like disingenuous?? to make it easier to understand like. im wasian! if i said 'i am wasian and it sucks sometimes' and you say 'nooo yr not wasian stoppp dont say that abt yrself!' that just DOESNT MAKE ANYSENSE!!! like its litearlly just a fact??

[etirabys]

Over the past few years I've eased off on trying to be an "appealing blog" and have let myself be weird and boring. I feel less vulnerable but more of a full person. It's nice.

I'm kind of touched people still engage with me / seem to like my posts even though I'm dequeuing random stuff that feels important and real to me but isn't interesting.

The part of me that wants to play popularity / follower-count-go-up games is getting exercised on twitter. I expect to get bored of this – my follower count is lower on twitter, but the negative interaction rate is higher due to the algorithm showing my content to randos faster than I can block them. My lust for attention will almost certainly be slaked before I hit 10K. After that, maybe I'll find another outlet.

My relationship with internet attention is different. I used to treat the internet as my diary because I wanted understanding, and because I had a deep and right feeling that my thoughts are public property. Now, at least on tumblr, the second factor is dominant. (I disclose much less than when I was younger because my irl and internet social spheres merged and intense disclosure embarrasses me, and because my most vibrant thoughts are increasingly about other people's private thoughts. It is nice to not be lonely, but what a cost.)

I notice I've barely linked my porn of the past 4 months anywhere, including in my actual porn server on Discord*. I just don't think those works are very good. I would love to get a flood of reviews and kudos, but the lack of it doesn't bother me. I am content to put the works out there and get 500 hits.

*By the way, if you have zero triggers, want an invite to my erotica writing and reccing Discord, and are okay being declined after a brief vetting conversation, DM me.

The me of five or ten years ago – who craved attention for her creativity – would be shocked by this attitude. But I'm now comfortable with the long game – if what I write is really good, eventually lots of people will be reading everything I write, the way I read everything by an author who passes a certain bar of competence / kink compatibility. If I'm good enough, it'll happen. If I'm not, it won't. Seems fine.

I'm happy to feel this way and not the way I used to feel. And I'm happy to be boring on here, and make meandering posts like this.

[iguessitsjustme]

What’s been going on with me?

No one asked but this is the oversharing website and well. I’ve always treated my blog like my own personal diary. For those of you who know me irl, feel free to ignore. You either already know or you I’m planning on telling you when I get the chance (only you get more details then what I’ll post online). Under the cut for length and other reasons.

I debated posting this but I am incapable of shutting up and telling everyone my business. Well sort of. Obviously, I don’t go into a lot of detail but I share what I’m comfortable telling strangers online.

I had something happen roughly a month ago that massively triggered my ptsd. I also had a whole lot going on in my personal life and I decided to take a break from tumblr for about a week. That break was great. But it became clear not long after I came back from my week break that it wasn’t long enough. Now, if we’re mutuals it’s likely that you’ve noticed I haven’t exactly taken a full break from tumblr and I’ve been here lurking and liking. But I definitely took a break from posting. June and July are already extremely rough months for me mentally and there were things about being on tumblr that made me feel…not great. So I decided to take a step back for myself. I also cut down on the amount of shows I’m watching. I had to place a lot of shows on hold because I no longer had the brain space for them. I’m planning on watching them when I have the time and capacity though.

I have also been…physically ill. I don’t talk about it a whole lot on here but I am chronically ill and it doesn’t often flare up and it doesn’t often flare up bad enough to impact my life but I can honestly say that the month of July has been one of the toughest months of my life. (Please don’t worry about me, I have a rock solid support system and I am doing okay.)

But as a result of my ptsd being triggered and my mental health tanking so severely, I really sat with why tumblr was contributing to this. And I had to come to a decision. I realized that over the past few years, in an attempt to make my blog as safe a space as possible for everyone, I have turned myself into a doormat. I have said before that it is a struggle for me to be kind because my natural state of being is to be mean. So I’ve decided that I’m just gonna be myself. I am going to be mean. That’s not to say that I’m going to go out of my way to be mean and rude and cruel to people. What I mean is, I’m gonna stop pulling punches if people come to me. If you do something weird, I am going to call a spade a spade and call you on it. My motto in real life and now on tumblr is “don’t start nothing, won’t be nothing.” Before I can make my blog a safe space for others, I need to make it a safe space for me. Because I was very close to deactivating my blog and never turning back. BL tumblr can be a wonderful community and I genuinely love it with all my heart (why I am still here and did not deactivate) but dear god we all need to stop policing each other. It’s one thing to have boundaries and it’s entirely another to tell people if they don’t post the way you do, that they’re wrong. If you come on my blog, if you interact with me in some way, you do not get to control what I say, how I say it, or how I post. By all means, if I am being problematic, call me on that shit. But if all we have is a difference of opinion, you don’t get to say shit. That’s not to mean that we can’t have a difference of opinion, but if you in any way imply that I am wrong to be sharing my opinion in any way, then congrats, you’ll see what I’m like when I’m mean. (To be clear, I have a whole list of blocked people now but tumblr is shit so I still see some toxic shit here because tumblr’s blocking system is ass. and before you tell me to use xkit, I do on my laptop but that doesn’t help if I’m on my phone.)

So now that I’ve said…all that. I want to share two things from the past week or so:

I saw Deadpool & Wolverine twice. Those two did definitely fuck in that van. The soundtrack slapped and I’m not just saying that because Stray Kids has a song…somewhere…in that movie. Apparently. Also their song for the movie goes SO HARD. Check out Slash by Stray Kids and then tell me your thoughts.

Speaking of Stray Kids. I saw them at Lollapalooza yesterday! They were GREAT. I was not. I felt wholey unwell the whole time. I am too introverted, too old, and too ill for music festivals. But if you get a chance to see some clips of the performance…just think of me, in the crowd, screaming despite feeling not too hot. (And when I say ill I mean my chronic illness not that I went to a crowded place with a contagious disease). I made a new friend there and I got to see them perform so many songs live. I don’t have a lot of videos or photos of the performances because I was too busy being entranced but I will say that I didn’t know I had to see Super Bowl live until I did. I did not realize I bad I wanted it. And seeing Back Door and God’s Menu live was simply a dream come true. I was close to tears but I held back because I needed to be able to SEE.

And speaking of lolla…one of the bands I saw there (same stage as Stray Kids) is Sundial and they are just…delightful. Wonderful stage presence and a fuckton of talent and if you are looking for some new music/new artist to check out, I HIGHLY recommend. They had a new fan out of me before the first song even ended.

I don’t have much else to add. As always you are welcome to DM me, reply, or send me things to my ask box but energy will be matched. If you’re kind and understanding and approach me genuinely, we’ll get on well. I have made some truly amazing friends here. I mean this when I say that my mutuals are really some of the greatest people on the planet and they deserve all of the love in the world. I love you all so much that I couldn’t leave despite how close I came to leaving. I also would like to add that despite all of the above, I am genuinely and truly fine. I will start posting again and annoy you all with my unhinged thoughts yet again <3

[curestardust]

Is it okay if I ask for advice as a newbie gifmaker? How do you deal with those stim and resource blogs who steal your gifs and repost them, or steal the gifs and RECOLOR them? I've only made about 10 gifsets currently but every single one I've made has been stolen and reposted, and every single one of those posts have like 100-300 more notes than my original gifsets.

There's no options to report for "content theft" or anything, so I get that there's like literally nothing I can do about it, but I just feel so defeated especially since every time I've tried to reach out to a reposter, they just taunt me and then block me. Please give me your wisdom curestardust, because I really feel like giving up 🙏🙏

i find it disgusting that stimming, which is supposed to be for giving comfort, has gotten this reputation and is being run by such people. ironic

i know how you feel, i had a run-in with one of such blogs for simply citing sources for their stolen gifs and they got really mad for some reason.

my advice is: block them. that's really it. i don't even see stim blogs in the precure tag anymore cause i've them all blocked.

i can't really speak of how to deal with them getting more notes as I never really cared about that. why do you make gifs? i make gifs because i enjoy it. i kind of treat it as running a digital diary of sorts. and if other people like what i make that's great! but if i was making gifs for notes only, i would've stopped long ago.

and a life lesson from someone who's now old enough to give those: if you can't do anything about it, just don't think about it. don't stress yourself with messaging these people. they're not worth it. oh they're proud of getting notes for stealing other's work? imagine how pathetic these people must be.

keep making gifs if you enjoy it, and stop once you don't. this is a hobby! it's supposed to be fun! never forget that <3

[antimony-medusa]

Ao3 Wrapped

I like numbers so here I am delving into my works again!

__

Overall stats for 2022!

User Subscriptions: 92

Kudos: 2,157

Comment Threads: 331

Bookmarks: 599

Subscriptions: 370

Word Count: 175,660

Hits: 19,653

That’s an increase from last year on every metric, which is not entirely surprising considered that I’m more established and that I wrote starting in January, not May.

I am particularly honoured by that user subscription stat, and delighted by the word count. I had several months in there when writing was Very Difficult for various reasons, and some where I didn’t write at all, so very pleased to make it that high. 

Fun Stats

Fics Published: 25, for 175,660 words

Number of One-Shots: 20 (of which 9 are at or around 1k and close enough to single-scene that I’d consider them “short”. Treats and drabbles. )

Number of Multi-Chapters: 5, (only one of which is finished :sob:, and the highest chapter count on the other is five chapters, I seriously need to stop doing exchanges and finish some ongoings.)

Number of Inspired Works: 1, a multi-chapter jumping off of a one-shot.

Longest Fic: My Body Has A Number And My Face Has A Name, at 34,777 words and 3 chapters, my very long-neglected superhero AU.

Shortest Fic: If I See You, Will I Know, 700 words (a single scene and the max word count allowed by the exchange).

Most Kudosed Fic: Now I'm On My Way (So Stand On The Edge Of The World With Me), 453 kudos (WHAT)

Most Viewed Fic: My Body Has A Number And My Face Has A Name 9,736 hits. (Okay I feel Very Bad for abandoning this one but there was some life stuff.)

Most Subscribed Fic: My Body Has A Number And My Face Has A Name , 174 subscriptions (I have got to write more of this one so people who’ve left the fandom can unsubscribe and get this one back under control).

Most Bookmarked Fic: My Body Has A Number And My Face Has A Name, 140 bookmarks, but the nether AU is coming up close with 109 bookmarks!

Most Used Fandom: Dream SMP, with 17 fics in that tag WE HAVE A CANON FANDOM TAG NOW.

Least Used Fandom:  A tie between Origins SMP, Murderbot Diaries, Books of the Raksura, Video Blogging RPF (Vault Hunters), Uncategorized (Philza Hardcore), or Original Work, all with one fic each.

Most Used Rating: Teen, 18 fics

Least Used Rating: Gen, 2 fics

Most Written Relationship: Technoblade & Phil Watson | Philza, 10 fics.

Most Used Additional Tag: Fluff (guys I told you I was a fluff writer.)

Most Frequently Used Characters:

Philza (15)

Technoblade (13)

Wilbur Soot (9)

Tubbo (7)

Ranboo (7)

Tommyinnit (6)

Original Characters (3)

Niki Nihachu (3)

Jack Manifold (2)

A good year!

[protect-namine]

I was gonna put these tags in tumblr's feedback form but like. if I was someone reading feedback, I'd honestly rather read something that's actionable (because sentiment is easy to understand but hard to make solutions for) so I'm just gonna draft here some suggestions before sending, because apparently, I have opinions. anyway this'll just be one of many, I'm sure staff will see a lot of suggestions in their time, so I'm not really expecting anything to come out of this. but uh, my two cents:

okay, first of all, what is tumblr? (I promise I'm going somewhere with this, it informs the actionable points later). I think it's obvious now that the tumblr userbase wants tumblr to stay true to what makes tumblr unique instead of copying what other social media sites are doing. but what is it that makes tumblr unique? why did people come here, and why have users stayed on this platform? a lot of us have been here for more than a decade now despite this site "slowly dying" and just hanging on by a miracle.

for me, what I like is how different tumblr culture is. tags function as community hubs, as ways to archive and organize individual blogs, and as quiet commentary. blogs are not treated like social media "user accounts" tied to an identity and one way of socializing. they are pseudonymous and flexible enough to function as a portfolio, a diary, an account to interact with other accounts, a collection of essays, anything really! it's a blog! you can do whatever you want! as much as we engage with other users, blogs are also a personal space just for you. this is your own little place on the internet, your own bulletin board. it can be anything you want it to be. and like, the pseudonymity thing (and not making follower count public) is important, I think, because it informs how users interact. nobody here gets influencer points. just do you. it's freeing in a way other sites aren't.

also, you can queue posts. how neat is that? I think it's cool because posts have longevity in this site, which also builds into site culture. this is why we have homegrown memes and inside jokes. posts don't disappear after 24 hours. you can reblog 10 year old posts if you think the art is really cool or the joke is really funny or the post is still relatable, and no one will find that weird.

and that's the thing, isn't it? tumblr is a microblogging site before it is a "social media" site. customizability is built into the platform. don't want an algorithm? you can opt-out on so many ways your dashboard can show posts. you can customize your blog theme and create your own tags to organize posts. you can change your dashboard colors. posts don't have a character limit and they give you so many tools for formatting. you can make sideblogs!! double, triple the blogs!! maybe you have a public fandom blog, an aesthetic blog, and a personal diary that you keep private. so many tools to make your experience flexible.

okay, so what are actionable things we can do to double down on what makes tumblr special? mind you, these are all just suggestions and like, I didn't really think of how easy or fast they will be to implement nor how much money this will rake in. but like. also, even if these suggestions are stupid hard to do, I believe that just showing the general direction of changes to do and prioritize should be reflected on showing off what makes tumblr different. and I hope to illustrate that here.

so, sticking on that theme of blogging and customizability:

we have a blog system. cool! you know what blogs have? about pages. tag pages. we used to make custom pages for this, now newer users just link their carrd. yeah, that's easier, but what if all tumblr blogs just had a default about page and tag page? like, you know what frustrates me about the mobile view for blogs? I have to manually link about and tag pages there (or carrd links, but I don't have a carrd). why can't it be a default thing? make all blogs have an about page and a tags page. users can turn it off if they don't want it. users can customize the pages further if they want to make it fancy. the tags page can list your top 10 tags or whatever as a start. we already show popular tags in a blog's search bar, so just take that to the next level. and this has the added benefit of reminding people that, hey, you have a blog and this is your playground for self expression. playgrounds are fun when there are toys! give users toys for their blogs, tumblr!

a functioning blog navigation system. what do all blogs have? well they have submissions and asks, and users will usually have some custom tags for them. blogs have a whole archive system that's underutilized and rather hidden. why not create a system that makes it easier to find all of these when scrolling through a blog? let users set their custom tag for asks and make that visible in the blog navigation menu, or just make them more accessible and easier to find. I don't want to go to the web version and type /archive in the url anymore. also, users can decide which ones to enable/disable in the nav system (maybe users don't want submissions or archives there, that's cool too).

users can see the top posts for a blog. cool! how about we make a customizable version of that? like, we can still keep the tumblr-generated top posts, but what if we let blogs have a user-generated highlights page as well? keep the highlights page limited to a couple of posts, maybe 10. artists can put their favorite art there. writers with their fics. fandom blogs with their meta essays and funny posts. aesthetic blogs with gifs and moodboards they're proud of. random posts about their day that they want people to know. maybe a blog has a combination of all of them to show the variety in their blog. give users a way to show what's generally on their blog in a flash. like top posts, but users decide which ones are the top one. like pinned posts, but longer.

we have a badge system. cool! how about we let users create their own custom badges? and let them share those badges with others? heck we can even make it a paid feature. I buy a badge from the marketplace, tumblr gets a small cut for distributing, but the creator gets most of the payment (this is important! pay your artists!). I mean, this is already a thing with blog themes (though idk, do people actually pay for themes these days?)

this one is just a personal thing, but aside from badges, can we get little hats for our icon/pfp/avatar/whatever people call it these days? like the top hat from that one april fools'. just a lil hat on the dashboard, I think that would be cute. :)

create an onboarding experience for new users. show users a guided tutorial on what settings they can opt in or out of, what they can customize on their blog, how to follow tags, and so on. maybe we don't need to appeal to how users from other sites use those sites. we want them to see what makes tumblr unique and how to actually see it. and I know what you're going to say. "oh, but the friction, protect-namine. the onboarding experience means it takes longer for users to start using the site". one: make it optional then. two: honestly, we probably should have more friction because we have a spambot problem. one of the best deterrents for spam is making it harder for them to start using the site.

tumblr is a playground and playgrounds need toys that are fun. tumblr live/tv? hate it. polls? love it, it builds community and everyone likes clicking buttons. layout change? don't like it, it makes tumblr look like other sites and it looks cluttered and takes attention away from the dashboard. ability to set popular tags in a blog search bar? love that, it makes my blog mine, now can we just extend this concept to every other change we can do for the site?

I am suggesting these things with love. maybe some of these suggestions are too hard or we don't have resources for them, maybe some of them are already in progress. I have no fucking idea. but I just think tumblr already has something going on for itself, and I would really like for that thing to keep going and be prioritized instead of seeing this site be cannibalized into something it isn't (a twitter clone).

[goingtolesbos]

re book recs: the murderbot diaries! i hadn't really delved into sci fi before murderbot but it's like. murderbot is blorbos of all time to me and the books are extremely easy for my brain to read! the books are almost all novellas so they don't take too long to read and there's good audiobooks of them tho i first read them as paper books! i cannot reccommend murderbot enough it is everything to meee. murderbot my friend murderbot 🤖🌠🚀

it's like. what if a hybrid human/bot construct with no freedom hacked its govenor module and gained freedom so it didn't have to be a security unit anymore but instead of going on a murder rampage it discovered media piracy and well if all the humans died there would be no more of its shows? what if it was an unreliable narrator and absolutely just kind of an assholeband hated its job but was incredibly good at it when it tried and when it gets to choose it chooses the first group of humans who ever treat it with personhood? i could talk about murderboot forever it's got amazing pacing it's funny and has made me so emotional too AUGH!

there's a free short story in the murderbot universe set before all the books, i can't link bc i blog from mobile browser but if u look up the future of work by martha wells it's easy to find !!

OKAY one last thing. to me murderbot is soo autistic without it at all being a case of 'neurotypical author writes robot character autism beep boop' like. other security units don't come across as autistic to me it's just murderbot and the author is ND and it's just. OUGH this series is so good!!!!

THANK YOU FOR THE REC RJ THIS SOUNDS INCREDIBLE!! i am so stoked to read this I'll read the short story tonight or tomorrow and get back to you!

[elizmanderson]

2022 wrap-up, part 4

part 1 is here

part 2 is here

part 3 is here

istg this is the last part. it just turns out I did more stuff this year than I thought, which is exactly why I do these wrap-ups for myself every year. otherwise I fixate on the bad parts or the parts where I did nothing yet somehow also failed to rest.

travel

new york

I went to NYC for the first time ever for my friend chelsea's book launch! the officially unofficial one that we had for her in central park, since during her official book launch I was at phantom of the opera with another one of our friends who was kind enough to treat me to a broadway show

I saw and did a lot and went many places, but lowkey the highlight of my trip (aside from meeting all my long-time twitter writing peeps <3) was my last evening in the city. I had a drink at the stonewall inn and then wandered around the village, taking pictures of buildings because I was in love with the light on the fire escapes. I turned down jane street without even thinking about it.

after about a block, I was like, "wait, which street did I just turn down," and I went back to the nearest intersection to check. but nope, I'd turned down the right street without looking at my map, without paying strict attention to street signs and landmarks, without even thinking about it. I realize actual new yorkers will 100% disagree with this, but in that moment new york became a little bit mine and I became a little bit hers.

it took me months to recover financially from this trip, even with staying in a sketchy hostel and without paying for my own broadway tickets, but I loved it. a lot more than I thought I would, actually, since I grew up in the country and I'm probably three trees in a trench coat rather than an actual human person.

admittedly when I got back and saw how green the trails on our campus were, I was like "how did I even THINK I liked it there?? they kept all their nature in one place and it wasn't half this green!!" but I seriously did fall in love with the city, and yes I obnoxiously point at the screen when watching media set in manhattan like "I've been there!!" I am That Bitch.

georgia

I mean okay fine I go to georgia every year because my parents live here now. but still. I love savannah and coastal georgia in general, and this year I also visited jekyll island for the first time. I didn't stay long at jekyll, and unfortunately savannah was so cold I might as well have been back home (jk, it was sub-zero at home and a balmy 15 in savannah on the coldest night), but I always love going, I got to see my beloved atlantic, and I once again took a thousand pictures of live oaks just because.

other things

non-book media

movies: cyrano (yes it says 2021 but it wasn't at my theater until february of this year, so we're calling it 2022), bros, thor: love & thunder, ticket to paradise, see how they run, and actually encanto played at our second-run theater so I saw that in theaters again <3

tv: ofmd and only murders in the building, both new comfort shows despite one involving piracy and the other involving murder

musicals: groundhog day: the musical and come from away, and also I'm listing cyrano here in addition to above bc I love the soundtrack and have it in my car along with the other two

personal tomfoolery

we're about to go full-on diary here, but whatever bc that's how I used this blog before I got 500 new followers and ofmd ruined all other uses of said blog, so that's how I'm finishing this post

queer feels

I've both thought about and avoided about thinking about my sexuality and gender even more than I already have in the past 10 or 12 years. I like "queer" for this reason: it covers any non-allocishet identity I might ever need. it indicates that I'm part of the community while giving me space and time to figure out the particulars on my own (and reduces the need for me to come out repeatedly to the same people as I decide on new identities, which is good bc I viscerally hate coming out at all and dream of a world where I wouldn't have to). I like more particular labels for helping me figure out my experience, validating my experience, and finding other people whose experiences are similar.

I'm still thinking through they, although I admit when I asked folks to use it in a pronoun testing room I got warm fuzzies. I've avoided thinking through my gender in detail, but I bought a genderqueer sticker and enamel pin to add to my existing pride stickers and pins. it's just that it's like I have to come out to myself.

I did actually come out to my dad as queer this year. which made me feel feelings even though it shouldn't have been a big deal bc my parents are allies. my dad's literally in his law school's gsa, much to the confusion of the younger folks. I came out via email, in the spur of the moment, which is both a very me and a very internet-dad way to come out. and he basically said, "thanks for trusting me with that, but I already vibed it from your writing."

(I'm paraphrasing. my sixty-year-old, deeply uncool white-guy father didn't use the word "vibed.")

I'm quietly queer, for the most part, but every year I get a little louder. this year, with fascism on the rise and so many anti-queer and specifically anti-trans bills brought forth in so many states and me only just out of the closet to my parents (albeit less deeply in the closet in the first place than I thought I was), I talked more about my queerness than usual. I put "queer" in every single author bio for every single thing for which I needed a bio. I stickered my laptop in pride flags. I put up pride flags outside my office and pride pins inside it and joined the dei committee at work. I'm not a fighter. but I got just a little bit louder.

friend feels

I kinda started thinking some time within the last few years, how many friendships have I maybe missed out on because both of us were too insecure to take the first real step and be friends?

which has highkey always been my approach to romance. I'll get my heart broke a thousand times and still go after every new person I fall for. but when it comes to friendship, I'm like do not.

but I've been thinking this lately.

so with an existing maybe-friend, when an opportunity came along to write him a letter for a retreat he went on, I basically just wrote him a letter like "hey I care about you and I'm glad we're friends." and boom, lo and behold, he came back like "oh my goodness thank you so much for that wonderful letter," and things have been much more comfortable since then. which was a nice lil validation of my theory that sometimes people Do Not Dislike Me, In Fact, but are just as insecure in friendship as I am.

I also made a whole new friend with this new girl at work. the rsd has hit me fucking hard this year, which I do not appreciate. but I keep pushing past it and making an effort, and now I have a nice stash of good encounters stored up for when the rsd tries to bamboozle me once more. she's so welcoming and lovely and kind, so I hope things are also settled there even if sometimes I feel like they aren't because that's just how I am.

anyway, that's my year. there was a lot of weird and terrible bullshit going on locally, nationally, globally, and in the background, but there was some good shit in there, too.

here's to more friends, more books, more birds, more plants, more falling-in-love-with-cities, more kindness and good and little warm gestures in 2023.

[avanisstuff]

HOW GOOD ARE BAD DAYS

Did you or did you not make yourself a coffee as a mark of 'self love' & faked enjoying the aroma to go through the same cycle again? I assume if you are here, you too are done with the 'it’s ok not be ok' phrase and would do anything to go through it. In this blog, we will look at the problems we all face with a solution oriented mindset.

BAD DAY IN A NUTSHELL

Be it the snooze button prevailing the onerous battle or a presentation running off the mill, we confer this term on a flick of switch. At times it may be transcendent to frivolous things embarking the feud within us. But at the end of the day, isn't it just us to convert bad days to worse ones?

DEALING WITH BAD DAYS

Following the rule of being ruthless with yourself is the very thing you must fail at, especially on a bad day. This is just a part of you,so why draw a self out of it? So go, grab a packet of Maggi or treat yourself with chilled cup of coffee & there you are, at the very 1st step i.e. to treat yourself gently.Who knows if a long walk or a break is all you need?Embrace & adore bad days as ecstatically as the best ones. Here are few ideas to deal with bad days-

1.Confronting the self

Grab a paper & pen to honestly pen down the things which come to your mind the moment you read 'bad day.'You won't be just relieved by the amusement of futility,but also enkindle a solution oriented optimist mindset.

2.Gratitude List

This trick is as underrated as the futility with which it has been masqueraded. I know what a bummer is being grateful for having a roof over your head or having more than enough to eat while swamped by exhaustion. Gratitude list actually means rendering gratitude to the self at the present moment. Be grateful for every time you chose to wake up when it was impossible to, be grateful for the way you wiped our own tears & simply pat your back for the irrefutable fact that you could have been much worse.

3. Portrait of Happy Days- Affirmations

"It always seems impossible until it's done"- Nelson Mandela didn't dupe while quoting so. When you give yourself enormous optimism, wittingly / unwittingly those things end up having you. Practicing affirmations every night before going to bed & in the morning would suffice the same.

4. Half empty or half full

I won't apologize to break it to you, but the scapegoat here is no one other than you,the queen of your own mind, perceiving the half glass of water as half empty. As a punishment has polar effects on polar corners of the classroom, it is only your mind that possesses the make-or-break authority!!

5. Take a break

Go get yourself a long walk or vibe on your favourite songs to break the monotony for an exciting future!

A ROOM FOR HOPE

"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness",Desmond Tutu rightly quoted so.Irked by enos peril, a human mind becomes nothing else than exhausted ,thereby wittingly & unwittingly chose to remain oblivious to terms like 'hope’& 'positivity 'Okay; so be 100% honest, the last time you dwelled over your cause of a bad day, didn’t it make you only angrier? Ever been nostalgic & grandiose lying on the bed at 2 am mulling over the reason behind the best day, when acing was the only way you knew!Same thing follows with the worst of ever days you ardently wanna control the clock.As it can’t rain everyday, you too just cannot perform at running rains every single day.Let’s all take a moment & give my pungame the standing ovation it deserves! Now go & grab a diary to pen down the things you are grateful for to render gratitude towards yourself & this elated life. It’s just a part of cycle, this too is ought to pass.The ultimate reason behind the whining is nothing else than paranoia.Ever noticed any similarity between hope & pessimism?Both usher out of the blue,anytime anywhere! For this egocentric mind,it is far easier to condone problems than hope.All of us, at some point reach a dead end,dreading for hope. But isn’t every end a new beginning? Now close your eyes, take a deep breath & imagine the happiest of self.NO;stop! I never said 'events' that make you happy, happiness,just like self love is free from all the barriers where terms & conditions don’t apply!As you trail off, you’ll realise it was no other than you to lock each & every door for solution & obstinately didn’t want to unleash the comfort zone. Feelings such as hopelessness & worthlessness might be irrefutable, but how long will it take for you to condone the same & develop skills you need to learn?Uncertainty for sure would play its card, until you become pally with J.p Morgan’s quote - " Go as far as you can see; when you get there, you will be able to see farther."As I said,every end is a new beginning,berserkly waiting for you to begin a new yet enthralling journey!Debunking the same will lead to polar ends of self esteem, confidence & happiness!!

LIFE WITHOUT BAD DAYS

Now skim through the monotonous self you had been chasing.Imagine leading a robotic life, getting up everyday, being 100% & going back to bed;same shit another day! Ain’t you taken aback by the despairing monotony of perfection?So why not make mistakes,fall & enjoy the journey!So get up, fasten your seatbelts, confront & ace the sturm und drand! At the end of the day it will never be too late when you realise ‘Bad days are for better days!’

[feuqueerfire]

When I Fly Towards You Live Blogging

Need something cute and fun and happy to wash away the DFF tragedies and decided to watch this after I saw a few Tiktoks on this last night. The Tiktoks made me want to watch + it has a really high rating on MDL. I've never watched a het CDrama before (Stay With Me was the only CDrama I've watched + 2 bromance shorts) and they tend to be really long but this one is around SWM length (24 eps w 35min runtime).

Also, I find the male lead's demeanor/way of carrying himself really attractive lol and the female lead is round-ish face girl with black hair and bangs like ah my weakness

Ep 1 (Mar 13)

Another ill-advised time to start a new show, I have so much homework etc to catch up on.

seems like they don't know each other from the beginning? but she's into him lol

her name: Zaizai

oh, her diary. found by the dude

who is this guy who got mistaken as Zhang Lurang supposed to be? are they all gonna get detention together or smth and meet again?

his name: Zhang Lurang

oh lmfaoo Lurang's friend borrowing his books

so this is a new school and they're in grade 10, so did Zaizai and jiang jia (?) transfer in? It feels like maybe high school starts in grade 10 (searched it up and yes). that's also why many people don't know each other yet ig? though there are apparently at least 9 classes per grade so makes sense to not know e/o anyway

oh, her wallet, not her diary

omg she thinks Lurang's name is Guran

I forgot the dubbing kills me

she's so cute, already daydreaming about her and Guran.

they're going to the military base... the tiktok wouldn't already happen would it? I thought it happened after they started dating already

this show is funny heh

pls okay Enough with the mismatched names cuz when other people get involved I become nervous

Cute so far and funny, I hope the name thing gets cleared up soon

Ep 2 (Mar 13)

they do keep meeting each other

pls Lurang just not correcting Zai when she calls him Guran

Zaizai is literally so bold omg volunteering to sign a song in front of everybody + dedicating it to the boy she likes (even if she doesn't know his real name lol)

pls Lurang smiling while looking at Zai wanting to sing with Guran while knowing she means him... menace but he is endeared

Guran is kinda annoying, I think Jiang deserves somebody a little less annoying

ah not him using the "Run if it's raining. Fool" like that she used on him in their 1st encounter at the beginning of ep 1

lowkey also into Jiang and Zai yuri

not into Guran and Lurang yaoi cuz Guran irritates me

Zai is so cute "You're here alone. Do you need me to protect you?" says the one who's afraid of the dark

okay I could get into Jiang and Guran enemies-to-lovers if Guran stops being annoying

Zaizai is sooo cute also hah Lurang following behind her when he'd realized that Zai was scared lol but his nonchalant act is fun

Oh, is the year already over? They're in grade 10 and 16 years old here, does it follow them for a couple years? I know they apparently get married at the end

Ep 3 (Mar 14)

nvm still grade 10

usually in a hetship i like it when the guy likes her more (and that probably is gonna end up being the case here too lol) but i love how bold and proactive Zai is here! Like following Lurang is one thing but she’s also not shy about the fact that she was trying to fit into his ideal type (ahh his smile when she’s crying into her braids) and last ep when she was saying she’ll protect him and this ep paying for Lurang with her bus card ahh it’s cute idk

and then her speaking up when the man was being creepy and when Lurang asks, her being like yeah I was scared but I knew you’d back me up! and then Lurang being the one who gets shy saying he wouldn’t back her up and her being like but you diddd hehe

Ep 4 (Mar 14)

i remember the edit where Lurang is a bit mean to Zaizai and tells her to be quiet had comments about Lurang's step(?)-mother, so yeah ig she doesn't treat him well and compares him to her younger son

ahh they're gonna tutor each other yess

her tugging on his short sleeve is crazy woah i love hetshipping <3

Okay, yknow what Enough! Stand up Zaizai, how are you down bad enough for a teenage boy that you let him finish your whole food? esp one that's meat, i'd offer the guy and be waffling down the rest. He should buy her something now

okayy she at least got him to agree to treat her to a meal later

and Zaizai got him to smile in front of her + also getting his WeChat so true

loll Lurang literally seeing in slow motion when she shows up in casual non-uniform clothes

oh Lurang calling her Su-laoshi (Teacher Su) killed me omg

I guess the Class 1 girl (Ye Zhenxin) will end up being a problem? The one who made fun of Zaizai for being from a non-key class and now also has to stay behind for basketball?

okay fine the boys can defend the girls from the bullies and show off by beating them in basketball

Ep 5 (Mar 14)

At least the Guran and Jiajia misunderstanding got cleared up

hehe rain and umbrella scene

umbrella scene hehe ofc

nooo is Zhenxin gonna accuse Zaizai of stealing the money? Because she saw her treating people to snacks + saw her leave Class 1?

ahh Lurang coming to her defense

plss Lurang seeing her pretend cry with her friends through the window but thinking Zaizai crying for real

glad it got finished quickly within the episode

Ep 6 (Mar 15)

aouuu Lurang waiting for her

plsss not Guran overhearing Jiang Jia telling his doctor dad about her hair loss but thinking she is deathly ill or smth and confessing every time he's wronged her T.T silly af

does Guran's doctor father kinda ship him and Jiang Jia lol

omg a roundabout way of the "MC has love interest running errands for them" trope

heh here's the scene from the edit of Zaizai getting caught by Lurang cheering for another student by calling him "handsome, jjayo!"

Ep 7 (Mar 15)

Ah, Zaizai realizing Lurang's habit of rubbing his neck when he's shy/lies heh

pls not Zaizai's homeroom teacher Mr. Lin being Lurang's uncle

I don't fully understand why Zaizai was so nervous like it's not like she's nervous about the fact that she was studying alone with a guy in his home because she was fine and eager to see Lurang's uncle. Is it because Zaizai thought that Mr. Lin wondered if the two of them were dating that one time before?

the dancing after the play, are they trying to sell me on Guran and Lurang yaoi?

Ep 8 (Mar 15)

omg poor Jiang Jia with a period stain on her skirt but at least the nice girl told her

prince Lurang... I want to be you but also you're attractive

ah Guran fr has a crush on Jiang Jia fr

and yet helping her by letting Qianyu know that she brought all that food for him ah

I'm way more into Guran and Jiang Jia now than I was in the beginning

The grandma telling Guan Fang (?) that he doesn't have to be the focus and the center to shine :(

Ep 9 (Mar 15)

ahh can Lurang or Zaizai just confess like they know they like each otherrrr just date already and I have no hopes of even getting a kiss bc the wedding kiss from the starting credits seems like an angle kiss

omg?! not Zaizai saying she saw Lurang with the kid and saw them in 10 years, that's a crazy thing to say but if you can say that, why can't you confess properly and start dating T.T

ah 2012, end of the world

alksdfj not Lurang purposely making Zaizai jealous heh

hmm okay but spending most of the time with the girl when he knows Zaizai is sad/insecure is >:(

not Lurang's brain turning off practically when in the room alone with Zaizai and leaving ASAP

glad that ended well

Ep 10 (Mar 15)

ohh Guan Fang seemingly easy-going and bullyable but not actually

pls Enough funny misunderstandings for Guran where he's accidentally seen as the hero, i'm just not somebody who can handle the joke being that somebody sees himself as better than he is

omg D: randomly a touching story amidst the jovial mood so far

Ep 11 (Mar 16)

ah, they're apart for a month for New Year's break and Lurang's going back home instead of living with his uncle

loll Zaizai's reaction to Suyang

The way every child is Zaizai's nemesis lmfao

not the gaggle of gossipping aunts and uncles

Started doing 1.25x this ep or the previous ep because 1x was taking a long time rip

Ep 12 (Mar 16)

pls i too initially thought Guran was hiding porn

Aw, ep 10 about Guan Fang and this ep about Guran feeling neglected by his doctor parents who are heroes to other patients but leave him alone.

Are we gonna get smth about Jiang Jia in ep 14? And then delve more into Lurang afterwards? and possibly some Zaizai too? I wonder when the part where Lurang tells Zaizai to be quiet and then she avoids him is gonna happen

Ep 13 (Mar 16)

Guran is so obvious in his crush on Jiang Jia loll

ahh Lurang being jealous thinking it was Su Zaizai righting the love letter to someone, I love jealous Lurang

ohh the jealousy during pull-ups, this was in the edits

Guran, ow "it's not like you'll ever be [Qianyu] anyway"

Ep 14 (Mar 16)

I've really liked thus far how supportive Guran has been in Jiang Jia's crush on Qianyu, like telling her to confess and helping her and encouraging her even though he obviously doesn't want to because he likes her. He just wants her to be brave and chase what she wants. It's a very kind thing to do I guess because like I'm used to fuckass Han Seojun (True Beauty) type characters who insist their their female friend date them and not leave her alone until she does

Y'know idk why I thought it was his step-mother? Feels like I saw it in the comments of a real but I think it's his bio mother maybe since Lurang lives with her teacher brother

now Guran gonna get got by Jiang Jia apparently crying when she didn't cry

"Turns out the sun and sunflower shine for each other" is so true like the connection immediately makes me think of the sunflower facing the sun always but indeed the sun is also shining brightly for the sunflower, not a one-way relationship

Ep 15 (Mar 17)

girl why are we Singing?

ah, grade 11 begins

ouch, Guran always having to help Jiang Jia with Qianyu or the other way around

"Report to me if you notice anything" girl

bro the way we're having problems about Lurang and Zaizai dating or liking each other or spending time together or whatever at school but these fuckers aren't even properly dating yet T.T

omg D: is this gonna be the start of Lurang telling Zaizai to be quiet but she's gonna be hurt?

aww poor Zaizai who was already facing the rumour that she's some girl who's bothering key-class-Lurang and now Lurang being rude to her

Ep 16 (Mar 17)

immediately started this new ep, which doesn't happen with this show usually because the eps tend to end well but i'm too into the angst rn, I've been looking forward to it since the edits

but Lurang's not the one who told them about the transfer D: T.T

and omg Lurang's so bad at speaking too

I'll guess that this guy is her cousin or smth?

lolll not him fueling the fire talking about how he didn't tell an annoying girl in the next class about his transfer

indeed he's her cousin

ahh Zaizai getting Lurang to act cute for her

So, Lurang's brother is younger than him but is gonna be doing grade 12 test even though he's in grade 11? i'm confused girl

oh I see, he's a 10th grade age in 12th grade

aghhh like I can understand Lurang's frustration esp since he's a teenager but also Luli is also just 16 and in a new place where he only knows his brother and is also the focus of gossip even though they're praising him T.T I hope they become closer or at least more friendly :(

bruh, call Lurang to let them know that Luli's been found

Oh man, the bias and favouritism is wayyyy too much fr

I can handle this much tragic backstory for a male love interest like it's sad but not like every tragedy piled on

Ep 17 (Mar 17)

aw he's really leaving for a year :(

I really don't fully get what the status of this relationship is cuz she's saying happy 1 year anniversary lol like they both know they're lowkey in a relationship but they just... don't Talk about it I guess?

Ep 18 (Mar 17)

plss not the girl thinking Zaizai edited the pic of her and Lurang lmfaoo but at least Zaizai's happy and excited knowing he doesn't accept gifts from girls or anything

"Let's not give up on our dreams for the other" so true

I read a comment that said the grandma will be okay so that's good

Ep 19 (Mar 18)

I'll be honest, it's kinda hard for me to keep picking up this show cuz I just wanna watch a BL with dubcon/weird/uncomfortable dynamics instead.

ah, so they're talking about Confessing now like girl I wish I knew why your situationship is like this

pls not Lurang being like hmm Su zaizai, act normal *nods nods*

plsss not her signalling by saying my parents want me to get married at 30, so much get engaged by 29, should meet my partner's parents by 28 and need to have dated 10 years for that, so I need to start dating at 18

this tarot reading lmfao

bruh not the Guran and Jiang Jia

ahh confession finally and a cute one too hehe

hug !!!

oof, Guran leaving fr

Ep 20 (Mar 18)

ahh that's not even a kiss but so true i'm giggling

omgg a kiss hehehe esp bc Lurang learned copy-and-paste

Doraemon reference

Ah, she said "Rang-rang, you're the best" and it sounds like ZB1 Zhang Hao's name

ahhh no way both Lurang and the senior tried to say "here" for Su Zaizai to cover for her absence byeee

but i do like it when either of them get jealous cuz it's like cute but not Too Much lol

This ep had the military scenes from the tiktok that I'd watched. Also had the fantasy of everybody finding out that the FL is dating the cool handsome ML which is fun, we love.

Ep 21 (Mar 18)

and Zaizai cleverly letting the senior know that she has a boyfriend

why is there no fucking music during their kiss scenes is it because of youtube? is there music on Viki?

Ah, there is indeed music in the Viki version, I'll just continue watching that one

hah paying rent for staying in Zaizai's heart via kisses

Okayyy now it's Lurang's turn to have somebody interested in him while perhaps Zaizai is a bit jealous hehe, though I hope this girl also ends up bowing out gracefully like Zaizai's senior and less like the catty girl from high school

smh the girls in these really are Very Meddling huh? i guess there's appeal in that too even if I'm not super into it

loll saw these moments in tiktoks too

I really like it when Lurang sometimes widens his eyes when looking at Zaizai in a teasing way

Zaizai's parents are sooo funny lol

Ep 22 (Mar 19)

"You match my bed so well" while sitting him on the bed and grabbing his face like this, oh Su Zaizai you get me

dang, we've gotten multiple kisses and an allusion to sex and they also live together, idk why I expected it to be more chaste. Ig since they started out in high school + literally didn't start Dating until graduation, I thought it'd remain that way. obviously it's still not hot and heavy or anything and the kissing scenes are just closed lips pressed together but still

Did Lurang just notice Jiang Jia and Guran tension or did Guran tell him?

i don't remember who this Wan Nan is unfortunately lmfao I thought the senior that Jiang Jia liked was the prince charming in Cinderella play but maybe not who knows

had to pause to scream a little at the boss touching Zaizai's hand/leg >:(

Let's kill this boss wtf

Ep 23 (Mar 19)

my poor Su Zaizai, I hate this evil boss man >:(

ah Guran having to be told by somebody else that Jiang Jia likes him while Jiang Jia also never made a move despite thinking that Guran probably maybe likes her

Ep 24 (Mar 19)

last ep

man I'm gonna stop being practical or thinking because the thought of Lurang buying a house By Himself for them to live in just gave me the ick like why...?

ahhh proposal so cuteee also interesting to see a proposal that's not "Will you marry me?" "Yes" "yay she said yes!" even though the beats are the same

oh, scandelous, Lurang opened like one shirt button and slipped the sleeve off of Zaizai's shoulder lol

ahhh the wedding cuteee

Su Zaizai angry face and then biting Luran's arm heh

oh they're having a baby

ahh, them in their school uniforms again from the last scene, sooo cute

Overall:

This isn't the show's fault at all but I think I'm just in the mood for a BL, so occasionally I'll think of just pausing the show to watch a BL in the middle lol or to go watch some BL edits (esp because I'm using this fluffy cuteness to try to get over Dead Friend Forever TeeWhite tragedy). This doesn't tend to happen when I'm actually watching the show because for more of the eps, I'm watching it like :D ^.^ :) :> happy smiles and giggles, so it's not the show's fault but rather me craving some yaoi cuz it took like a week to watch this lol

This was so cute, I liked the characters and their characterizations, I liked the friend group (more than I thought I would at first bc I was annoyed by Guran in the beginning), I liked their romance. I liked how they were mutually helping each other achieve their goals and paths in life. It was just cute. They had a 1 year long-distance thing in the middle where they were obviously sad but they got through it. I like that they trusted each other and liked each other and were nice to each other. Su Zaizai and Lurang, you're so cute!

Love that so much of this was them while in a relationship! Like they were in a "kinda relationship but we don't talk about it or define" for a while there during high school but even after officially becoming a couple after graduation, there are many eps of them in uni and at jobs and such. I love an established relationship situation and this delivered (want this for my BLs so bad). They got through situations together, no unnecessary breakup or terrible miscommunication, ah just feel good and cute but entertaining without becoming a bore.

It's just good and cute and endearing. Liked it. I don't necessarily think I'll think about them a whole lot, especially because everything is wrapped up so nicely, but I think the show did a lot of things well.

Rating: 6.5/10 [May 12, 2024 Update: Decreased by 0.5 stars when rerating shows I've watched in 2024: 7 -> 6.5]

Tiktoks - Before watching:

Saw this Tiktok edit while going through an account for TeeWhite (DFF) edits and

the most popular Tiktok of this show made me wanna watch

+ this one like omg idk why I’m so excited to see him get jealous/grovel I don’t know this man

Okay wait I saw this (pretend crush) on a reel before, I didn’t know this was from the same drama, no wonder the name seemed familiar.

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

[droolysub]

1.23.24

Good evening perverted people!!! Rn i'm eepily typing from bed, nakey under my fluffy robe and mostly treating this post as a personal diary entry. Feel free to read my late night thoughts if you're feeling nosy/interested or just bored!

Stressful school is back in session now (*throws a rotten tomato* boooooo!) and I'm extremely depressed as is, which means I'll probably be masturbating/hornyblogging even MORE often to cope. Look forward to it since my blog will be full of sexy content as a result 👀 ⁼³₌₃⁼³

Technically I should already be asleep if I want to make it to class on time but I can't get myself to rest just yet...

Cumming super hard might help.

Confession: I miss posting tease vids/photosets online and getting worshipped by strangers... The amount of sweet messages I got from interested subs, switches and doms alike made me feel so wanted. Not all of them are loving but I think that makes the ones who were even more special to me. A little bit of attention means a lot to a little orphan girl like me, okay? It did wonders for my self esteem and personal outlook on life. Who knew sharing my sexuality would make me feel so much better in all these ways

Btw, @staff DESPISES when I post sexy vids of me stuffing my cute pussy, so I decided that I'll be doing none of that this time around ۹(๑`^´๑)۶ N-O-N-E! 🚫 sorry everybody- blame @staff. Until further notice, I'm playing it safe! (• ̀ - • ́) .... I'm hoping that this blog won't be deleted if I comply with the ToS... Having to tone myself down in the name of compliance is lame AF and sucks hole 🕳️ but fiiiineeee... ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

Good News: ass/tiddy, censored images and sexy text posts are still good to go~ so yay! I'll be making more of that content (ㅅ´ ˘ `) ✨

ALSO! This feels like a good opportunity to share that I made a lovense wishlist for whoever is interested in spoiling me for long distance play!!!!! Daddy doms, owners, breeders, etc. who like my blog and share similar kinks should check it out 💖🙈 if they like!!! Please only spoil if you're willing/able

SHAMELESS SELF PROMO!!! As per usual, if you like what you see and would like to request for more, my custom content is available at a premium, just DM me 💸💰

Moreover....

I'm still recovering from a failed suicide attempt last week. I have a lot of painful throbbing all over my body and especially a few organs. It sucks and I sincerely do not have a single family member or close friend who cares to offer anything but pity... but I'm just really grateful to still be here. That's the only way things can improve. Nobody will listen, so I'll just blog. I'm scared that I have breast cancer from how long I've been neglecting myself. I'm scared to get checked. I really don't want to. I'm too afraid. But it hurts and I should if I'm serious about wanting to live. Even now, my chest hurts

Yesterday I was lucky enough to have my begging work. I was able to get food last night thanks to a generous daddy so that was good. The delivery guy delivered it to the wrong address so I had to run around in my robe looking for the order and was so happy when I found it just down the street. I haven't had that good of a meal in a long time and I'm so full now. I can go to bed feeling full. That's always a good feeling

[kinetic-elaboration]

January 7: Liveblogging Today's Writing Feelings

I received some sad news this morning and it feels weird to talk about anything else but I also… don’t want to talk about it. I don’t feel emotionally up to it. And as much as I do treat this blog as basically a diary, at least in these posts, it is still public. So.

I had the sort of quiet, sleepy, and unproductive weekend I’m generally trying not to have this year but that’s okay. I don’t really feel too guilty about it. I have to gear up for my first five-day week of the year after all. Also I did finally manage to do some writing this evening and am now one more scene closer to finishing the Time Loop. Only 3 more to go. I have some sort of mixed feelings about the way this scene turned out. It’s not really what I was imagining in my head but that isn’t to say it’s bad. A part of me thinks the very end, which is a pretty important part of the novel, doesn’t hit hard enough. But another part thinks it’s actually kind of cool and unusual to make it subtle (if it even is as subtle as I think it is lol). And overall, writing this scene made me excited for the fic as a whole again. Obviously it’s not perfect, and most of it still needs to be edited, but in general I really, really like this one. I’m so proud of it. It has so much complexity and balances so many characters, dynamics, histories, and so on, and I really like all the sections where I was able to weave in backstory and memories into the main text. I think it’s one that I’ll want to go back and re-read with some regularity—once I have some time off from it because I will definitely need a cleanse when I’m finished with all the writing, editing, and posting.

So I have 3 scenes. The next one I’m a little worried about because there isn’t much information in it that’s important but I need it for pacing, and I’m still not 100% sure how much I need for pacing. I’d like it to be short but not so short that it reads weirdly, if that makes sense. I have some time to toy with that in my mind though because I doubt I’ll be working on it this week. Then the next scene is one I’ve been looking forward to for a while, and I’m still more excited than I am nervous—it’s sort of a high-expectations scene but mostly it’s one I’m looking forward to sinking into. And then only the final scene left! I think it will be a pretty short one. It’s okay even if it reads as a little anticlimactic. And then I’ll be done, done! I know that this could still take me weeks, and I shouldn’t get too excited yet. But seeing so few lines left on my outline and being able to see the rest of it unfolding so cleanly… it’s exciting to me. It’s a good feeling. And it’s the feeling I’m trying to teach myself to chase so it’s good if I wallow in it a little. I wrote today and I earned it.