#but to know im alive. im relaly just by myself.
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im not well.
#i typed a whole thing out and yall are exhausted enough treating my art blog like a diary im sure. writing physically hurts.#and im already alone on adaily basis enough i wouldnt lie about the fact im glad if someone sees me - not for attention#but to know im alive. im relaly just by myself.#but im really not well and im trying so hard to stay out of hte hospital bc i cant afford it neither can my dad and i have no income#barely can afford half the groceries we have or rent.#im just really not okay right now. im not. im not going to sugarcoat that. im eXTREMELY unwell.#i will not be having a mental health check bc that happened before and the cops made fun of me horrifically and belittled me#and i will not be going to hte hsopital. unless i end up actually doing something#but i am so fighitngdoing something always im just so tired i really am so tired.#i dont wanna do this anymore or be here anymore i really dont#if you hear me out thank you but blacklist my tag#shutupcici -#im sorry fro making this art blog horrible to deal with or me to deal with by making this my diary at this point#im gonna try to stop that but its hard being alone.i really am#negative //#sui //
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emailed my teacher that called about me. going to see what i can do to jsut withdrawal. don’t know if i can or not. still waiting to be able to pay the state fee for my medical card but it’s been almost two days and it’s still not allowing me to make a payment. i have this sad little dream im clinging to right now of moving out for real. but i should know by now not to hope for shit especially that. and that i’m too weak to change anything in my life. i say i try but i don’t i jjst give in. i let myself rot. i out myself here. is ish i wasn’t still alive. i wish i had died so many times when i should have. i don’t wnat this life. despite it being a blessing many would kill for, i an selfish, and i hate this life, take it for granted. the life i want is out of reach it always has been, it seems sos imple but it’s fucjing impossible, or maybe just for me. im too scared to ever relaly change anything. in the same trapped frightened animal knawing through its own bones in some stupid attempt to escape
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Life Update
Hey kiddos! I haven’t done one of these in forever (since october oops) because life itself has gotten in the way!
I’ve finished my first year of my degree, finished a summer intensive course on Art and The Botanical (i will show you all my paintings and progressions!) and 2 weeks away from starting second year!!
(longer detailed update below!)
A lot has happened!! I’ve been receiving therapy for almost 5 months now and my mental health has DRASTICALLY improved!! I used to not say anything about my mental health on this blog because i felt it was shameful, especially with soooooo many people here being so successful and on top of everything. To be honest studyblr was both a source of strength but most of all insecurity because I couldnt achieve what I wanted to be.... YET.
Now I’m very optimistic in myself that I’m breaking bad cycles and habits because I know how to handle my anxiety more!!!! I feel like a newer person and just wow !! Like last week i lost my wallet and instead of being sososososooooo devastated, I was only A LITTLE bit devastated, it didnt push me into a depressive mood (esp bc i had artworks and essays due) and i was just relaly impressed and proud of myself!!!
BUT I just wanna address that I won’t hide my mental health anymore, i was feeding into the stigma, I was having a hard time and thats okay, that doesnt mean you’re not doing your best. I’m turning my life around and when i can (and i really want to) i will document it here!!!!
Very big progression, I might be reconsidering my medicine pathway. My main motivations for it were very unrealistic, based on what my parents wanted for me back then and what i wanted to show to the world, I know in my heart it would not have made me happy. I won’t be happy as an MD, or studying for it because it was more of a status thing in my head since i was a kid- and that will not work in anyones favour!!!! I will still complete all the qualifications though: the GPA, the prereq subjects and the entrance exam scores (THAT COSRS 600$ UGH), just in case I can do it.
Instead though, I’ll be putting focus into what i wanna do. I still want to major in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology, its really interesting and makes me happy (even though im better at evolutionary and microbiology), I like a challenge and its still super interesting!!!!!!!! I’m just happy i can finally admit these things, that I’m not strictly pre-med and my future is not wholely based on a career. I want it to become part of my life, not the entirety of it.
I’m getting sooooo much better at loving myself and my friends and my bf (Boys are so fucking dumb but its okay IM OKAY i love him). I just have a lil anxiety and i need reassurance about stuff. I’m becoming a person that i used to want to be now. I’m working on it! And I’m excited to keep doing so. I am so happy to be alive.
As always, keep going <3 keep your head high <3 and you are enough.
love, Jirou
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