#okay fine you can share examples about cas doing as dean tells him

[youchangedmedestiel]

Another example of Dean's love for Cas

I watched a show. So far so good. But then I saw a scene where the girl tells the guy to get out of the room despite his brother telling him multiple times before and he does it when SHE says it. What happens in the very next episode? Well, he tells her about his feelings for her.

So what my brain did is that he thought about Destiel (obviously, of course, as always) and thought about how this could apply to them.

Are there times when Dean does what Cas tells him to? The answer is yes there are.

Episode 5x02, Castiel wants Dean's necklace to find God:

CASTIEL: May I borrow it? DEAN: No. CASTIEL: Dean. Give it to me. DEAN (takes off the amulet): All right, I guess.

2. Episode 15x09, their whole trip in Purgatory (before and during):

DEAN: Chuck has Sam. I'm not leaving him. CAS: Chuck's not gonna kill him. That's not the ending. DEAN: Wh— Then he'll torture him. CAS: Dean, will you stop? Just stop being so stupid. DEAN: What? CAS: If we attack Chuck now, we don't have anything that can hurt him. We get that Leviathan blossom, complete Michael's spell, build the Cage. That's our chance. That's the way we'll save Sam, and that's the way we'll save the world.

Boom! They go to Purgatory. Then, when they're in, this happens:

DEAN: [...] Okay. Let's split up. CAS: What? DEAN: You go that way. I'll go this way. We'll meet back at the Rift, alright? We'll cover more ground. We'll better our odds. CAS: Yeah. We'll also improve our odds of getting lost or killed. Come on.

Boom! Cas sets out, and Dean follows after him.

There might be more examples, that was just those I could remember. If you have others, please feel free to add them in comments or reblogs. Anyway, it's funny to see that straight from the start of their relationship Dean already did what Cas told him to.

Did Dean have feelings for Cas since season 5? Maybe, I'm not sure what my headcanon is about this yet.

[wormstacheangel]

reminder I am watching The Nanny and I can't help but write scenes as destiel. So here is my second one. I think this one is a bit more sitcom, especially towards the end :) This is for episode 1x11.

wc: 1.7k

The kids have been having a hard time with the one night they don’t have Dean to tuck them in. Whatever Cas did, the kids would correct him and tell him Dean did it this way or did it that way. He simply couldn’t get it right. Even Claire was missing Dean, showing her fear of losing the one person who finally got her to be less angry at the world.

After finally getting the kids to bed, Cas walks into the kitchen to find Balthazar lounging around in his robe with a drink in one hand and scrolling through movie reviews with the other. Cas stands over his shoulder, trying to read it, but his eyes gaze over, not caring enough but still, he sighs.

“Would you like a drink, sir?” Balthazar sounded exasperated with him already, even if he has only been in the room for less than a minute.

“Please.” Cas fetches a cup and holds it out for Balthazar to pour some whiskey into it. He has been feeling restless all night but can’t pinpoint the reason why. “You know, Mr. Winchester would have loved talking about horrible movies with you.”

“Yes. I know.”

“I wonder how he is.”

“I’m sure he is enjoying his date, sir.” Balthazar takes a sip of his drink as he keeps his eyes on the screen in front of him.

Cas walks over to stand by the kitchen island. He already undid his tie, undid his top four buttons, and he can’t imagine how his hair looked after pacing the living room for a good 20 minutes.

He swirled his drink before downing the whole thing in one gulp.

“Or he can be having a miserable time, sir. The man was a mortician, after all. I don’t think that would fit Mr. Winchester’s happy-go-lucky attitude very well.”

Cas perks up at that, feeling his chest warm-up — probably because of the drink actually— as he stands up straighter with a hopeful grin. “You think so?”

“Have I ever wronged you, sir?”

“You’re right, Balthazar! He would never like that-that depressing man.” Cas smile grows. “Cause you know, the kids, they would miss him very much if he left.”

Balthazar shuts his laptop as he rolls his eyes, “For god’s sake, sir! It’s only the first-!” He looks at Cas’s stunned expression before slowly falling back in his chair, a cheeky smile on his face. “I mean, with all due respect, sir.”

“Yes.” Cas sighs, ignoring the outburst. “I think you’re right. I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?”

“Maybe a tad bit, sir.”

A chuckle came out of his mouth as Cas opens the trash can and plucks out the bag to throw it outside. He walks towards the back door as he says, “I didn’t see anything between them anyways. I’m sure it’ll be fine!”

Cas pulls the back door open only to find Dean and his date making out. Leaving Cas standing there stunned and fumbling, not knowing if he should break them apart or close the door.

“I don’t see anything between them either, sir.” Balthazar joked as they both watched Dean press closer to his date. Unaware of their audience. Balthazar was the one to finally close the door, taking the bag of trash away from Cas, as he leads him towards the stairs. “I believe it’s time for you to go to bed, Mr. Novak.”

“Yes. Yes. You’re probably right.” Cas shook his head, hoping to erase that image away like an etch a sketch, but he still saw Dean’s mouth being sucked on. “Goodnight.”

“Night, sir.”

(More Under The Cut)

In the morning, Cas somehow convinced himself—Balthazar was only half-listening to his words anyways— to talk to Dean about the rules of the house. It had to be done. He didn’t want Dean to bring home strange people to his home, where his children lived. He didn’t want to see—or better yet— he didn’t want his kids to see Dean bring people into his room.

What kind of example will that present to them? Not a very good one.

He knocks at the door and quickly gets an answer to come in; Dean never hesitates to have any of the kids in his room. Cas would usually find them all curled up in Dean’s bed watching cartoons on a Sunday morning.

“Good morning, Mr. Winchester.” Cas poked his head into the room first, and that enough stopped him short. Dean looked like he was getting ready to go out.

Dean is dressed in a comfortable-looking robe, no shirt, and he’s assuming no pants by the fact that he can see a peek of his thighs from the slit in the front.

“Morning, Mr. Novak. What can I do for you?” Dean turned back to the mirror, a small smile stretched across his lips as he continued to fix his hair.

“I just wanted to talk about your um—You know we have rules in this house, and I just wanted to make sure you know them.”

“Oh, I think you have me confused with Claire. She’s two doors down.” Dean teased.

“No. No, this is about your date. About you having dates. And-And having…dates.” Cas sighed the last word, unable to get the word he wants out without his whole body warming up. “Anyways,” He cleared his throat. “The rules of the house with me-”

“Oh, with you? Gosh, maybe I should have read the fine print better.” Dean teased, winking at him through his reflection as he ran his hands through his growing hair.

“No. Not like that!”

“Let me get this straight.” Dean turns to face Cas before practically strutting over to Cas, half-dressed in a semi-open robe. Cas eyes struggle not to travel on the man before him. “We are talking about having sex in my room.”

“Well, not-not us. Not we.” Cas nervous gestures between them, noticing his hand hit Dean’s bare chest in the process because they were standing so damn close.

“We already covered that.” Dean winks at him again, making Cas’s heart race. “Don’t worry, Mr. Novak, I won’t do anything to show a bad example for the children.”

“Good.” Cas stuffs his hands in his pockets as he rocks on his heels. “Yes. Good. Okay!”

“Okay.” Dean turns back to the mirror.

“Where are you going anyways?” That sounded way too demanding. “If I may ask?”

“Well, if you must know. I got another date. We’re meeting for lunch.”

“Again?”

“Yeah. Well, I gotta eat.”

“Of course. Well, have fun, Mr. Winchester.”

“Thank you, Mr. Novak. Nice chat.”

Cas makes his way out of the room, bumping on furniture as he went.

Cas walks into the kitchen that same afternoon to find Dean sitting on the kitchen counter, shoveling ice cream into his mouth. Cas quickly rushes over to take the spoon away from him.

“Mr. Winchester! You are lactose intolerant!”

“Well, I deserve a little bit of ice cream after the crap day I had, and the coconut milk one you got me is still frozen solid!”

“Oh,” Cas puts the ice cream away before walking back to him. “Date didn’t go so well this time? Was it the whole creepy mortician life?”

“No,” Dean sighs, watching as Cas runs the Dean-friendly fudge brownie ice cream under some hot water. “Weirdly enough, I was getting used to the idea.”

“Then, what was wrong with him?” Cas hands Dean a spoon, and they both dig into the still hard ice cream, but they can still scape a few bits off. Cas tried not to follow the way Dean’s tongue pokes out and licks at the spoon.

“He was a clown.” Dean sighs, spinning the spoon in his hand before aggressively digging at the pint of ice cream.

“In what way?”

“In a clown way.”

“What-?”

“Red nose! Big shoes! You want me to google it for you?” Cas looks stunned by the outburst. But it clicks; he means an actual fucken clown. He tried not to laugh as Dean let out a defeated sigh. “Sorry. I just thought…I just thought I finally found someone. You know? I’m 30. I should have found someone already.”

“I’m sorry, Dean. But I’m sure you will. You’ll find someone special who won’t honk their nose at you.” Cas bops Dean’s nose, it’s awkward, but Dean still chuckles when he pushes Cas’s hand away.

The atmosphere around them was warm and comforting, something he wishes to drown in. But in a respectable boss-and-employee-who-lives-with-him kind of way. The smile they share fades a little as they look away, and then Dean jumps off the counter with a yawn.

“I’m gonna head to bed now. Goodnight, Mr. Novak.”

“Goodnight, Mr. Winchester.”

And just like that, they are back to professionals.

The following day, Dean is in the room talking to Sam about his dating life.

“You just think the perfect person is gonna knock at your door yelling out ‘there you are! I found you!’”

“Oh, there you are.” Cas walks in, neither Sam nor Dean notices the coincidence, holding out two different ties. “What tie should I wear? Blue or yellow?”

“Blue. Goes great with your eyes.” Dean turns around to tie the tie nicely around Cas’s neck. Sam gave them no attention as it was an action that happens regularly.

When he was done, he fixes Cas’s collar and pats his shoulder before telling him he looks good.

“Thank you, Mr. Winchester.”

Cas walks out of the room while Dean continues to get ready as he talks. “I just want a person who actually respects and values my opinions, not just my pretty face.”

“Ah, sorry to bother you again, Mr. Winchester,” Cas walks back in. “but I do value your opinion. Should I wear the gold cufflinks or the silver?”

“Gold is a classic. But make sure it’s those nice ones Claire picked out for you. She’ll love to see them.”

“Oh, yes. Thank you! That would be great.” Cas walks out of the room with a grateful smile.

Sam is still flipping through Dean’s magazine collection as he sighs, “Yeah, Dean, that’s never going to happen. You should have just dated the damn clown,”

“And what? Never see you again cause you’ll be scared my boyfriend is in full makeup? No, thank you. Now let’s go before we’re late to the damn game.”

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

The Rooster Sunrise motel and the roots of the narrative at the sunset of the story. A masterclass in Dean characterization

If I didn’t care / more than words can say / if I didn’t care / would I feel this way? / If this isn’t love / then why do I thrill? / And what makes my head go round...

This song plays as Travis comes in to check at the Rooster Sunrise motel - late in the night, later than the motel technically allows checks in. Metaphorically, this episode happens later than it should. Everything happens later than it should. Dean defeats the monster too late, after it gets Travis dead. They’re running a case when they should actually be preparing for the ultimate showdown against God. Dean tells Sam the truth about Jack too late. The very episode is “out of place” in the season - I mean, purposely so - because it gives us a “old style” hunting case in a season where hunting has lost its original purpose in the narrative but has taken a different purpose, as a sort of caricature of itself, as we’ve discussed about before.

This episode is a last. Okay, we haven’t seen the next few yet, but this episode has a specific function, and it is to be the last traditional hunting case of the show. It’s about the past, and that’s why it can happen now that hunting can no longer exist, not really. This season, we have never had real hunting cases. Fake ones, weird ones, ones that just felt off -- obviously because the story is no longer working the way it did before. Chuck’s “hamster wheel” has been fully revealed, and the narrative can no longer function in the old way.

And this episode happens as... a sunset, actually. Or better, both sunrise and sunset because it shows us, in parallel, the beginning and the end. The first case Dean and Sam work together, and what is essentially the last, at least the last with the traditional formula - a monster of the week, a motel, a gross place, a civilian saved, some choking, some yeeting across a motel room, you know how it goes.

(The elephant in the room is the sun/sunrise imagery across the show, especially relevant after the latest episode brought back the Gas’n’Sip logo, of course, but let’s talk about something else here.)

There are many echoes in the episode. 2x11 Playthings, a case in a hotel that involved children. 11x16 Safe House, where a case was run both in the past, by Bobby and Rufus, and in the present, and involves a monster’s nest and visions. Of course 1x18 Something Wicked, where they defeat a monster that targeted kids after an attempt when they were kids had failed to get rid of the monster for good, and where we also get flashbacks of them as kids. And many other little references and callbacks. A pretty major one (*rubs hands together*) is 10x19 The Werther Project, where something supernatural causes hallucinations that make the victim kill themselves; Dean also almost stabbed himself back then. (Cuthbert Sinclair again... bless.) Oh, well, the pilot itself, where Dean and Sam comment that they make a good team. And then Carver-era secret and lies, of course.

And 14x13 Lebanon. (Yes it gets its own paragraph...) Dean smashing the stone in the ring, making the monster disappear, parallels straight to Sam smashing the pearl, making John disappear. The other monster of the episode is John, of course, who drops the kids in some motel alone while he gets “out of reach” when Dean tries to contact him on the phone (callback to season 1, when they kept trying to call John on the phone and he never answered, not even when Dean was dying or they were in their old house in Lawrence and terrified). John only appears as an invisible figure driving the car, symbolically driving their lives (all this “killing God and getting free” is nothing but a mirror to getting free from John’s influence, right). Callback to 9x07 Bad Boys, where we also see a younger Dean and we also deal with the weight of the lifestyle John placed on him, in an episode that features a literal ghost of a parent. (Heck, we even had Dean stealing food - in 9x07 he was caught by a policeman and brought to the boys’ house, now Caitlin jokes about arresting him.)

As 1x18 Something Wicked, we are presented with how growing up among monsters and hunting cases impacted Dean as a kid. Interestingly, Sam tries to reassure Dean in both episodes, telling him that he was just a kid and he shouldn’t be too hard on himself. In 1x18 he had ruined John’s hunt and put Sam in danger (of course the implication is that John put them in danger by using them as bait and expecting a child - addditionally unaware of what was going on - to watch after a younger child), now that he didn’t tell anyone about the nest because it was too horrifying to share that with other kids (of course, he’d also been a kid and shouldn’t have had to investigate a child-killing monster, so the implication is again that John shouldn’t have left them alone and unable to reach him in case of danger. It’s so telling that the episode has Dean discovering the bodies of dead kids while Sam is playing with another kid - although, of course, the game also turns terrifying soon).

So it’s an episode that has it all: the ghost of John Winchester, the way Dean’s parentified role impacts negatively his relationship with Sam (the episode establishes a connection between Dean shielding Sam from the horror of the monster’s nest and Dean essentially shielding Sam from the horror of the latest Jack news, it’s always about Dean feeling the weight of a responsibility to Sam because he’s Sam’s caretaker, even if he ostensibily mentions Billie’s plan and stuff as the reason of his silence), and of course the theme of FEAR.

I’ve been screaming this from rooftops pretty much since I’ve been here on tumblr - fear is the interpretative key to Dean’s character. Since season 1. Since the beginning. (You’re scared. It’s okay. I understand. See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom, and I was scared, too.) Many posts have been written about how anger is a secondary emotion, when the narrative ostensibly had Dean be “angry”. Dean has dealt with fear almost his entire life, and this episode basically works as an asterisk to the season. Hey, we’re having everyone comment on Dean’s anger! Including Dean himself! He says he doesn’t know why he has these outbursts! Well, we do know. Little reminder here now... he’s scared. And he’s scared because he cares, because he loves so much, and when you keep losing what you love you are scared, scared of losing more and more, stuck in a hamster wheel of losing and losing and losing.

In fact, if losing Jack will stop the hamster wheel, he’s fine with it, because as long as they’re stuck in the wheel they’ll lose Jack again anyway, they keep losing everything over and over, Jack and Cas and everyone. In this episode he mentions funerals of hunters, friends, how they couldn’t even attend all the funerals of people they were close to. There were so many. They’ve always been so surrounded by horror and fear and death. He just wants it to stop. (Of course the plan cannot work, just like the immersion therapy method didn’t work for Travis. Well, poor Travis’ idea of facing his fears to overcome his trauma worked very well on paper, just like Billie’s plan seems to be the best option on paper, but we still have a few episodes still to see...)

This episode is an exploration of the motives of Dean’s behavior, and it spells them out very clearly. John’s abuse and neglect, the forced parentified role he had to take towards Sam since a too-early age, the nightmarish horrors he had to see (while shielding Sam from, which reminds me of the infamous scene about Max’s childhood...), the neverending chain of losses with its baggage of fear.

Dean wants - needs - to defeat Chuck, just like Travis needed to face his fears and overcome his trauma. Because Chuck means hamster wheel. And the hamster wheel isn’t just a theoretical lack-of-free-will thing. It’s not just about a philosophical/theological concept. It’s about the very real cycle of horror and fear and loss that Dean has spent his entire life in. It’s about a pile of dead children, both a metaphor for his brutally ended childhood and a very concrete example of what has been haunting him for so long.

His apparently “okayness” with Billie’s plan is not out of a revenge thing or lack of forgiveness towards Jack (of course we can add millions of words about Dean’s relationship with Death). His okayness with killing Amara is... well, only partly about punishing her for, as he sees it, toying with him. His anger is because he feels so much. If I didn’t care / more than words can say / if I didn’t care / would I feel this way?

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

Sigh. It’s quiet today, so I guess it’s about time to talk about 12x06: Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox.  

This is an episode without Cas, so clearly it revolves entirely around Cas (I'm kidding, but only a little bit).  It’s also a bottle episode and a meta writer’s wet dream, so excuse me while I nerd out - this is a long one to unpack, and I have spent too much time doing it for you.  That’s ok because, as Sam says:

DIVE IN AFTER THE CUT BUDDIES!

The Asa montage is where we start.

Asa is a Dean mirror. The parallels are pretty clear - he’s a scruffy rough around the edges hunter, Mary is the reason he got into hunting, he wears a ton of flannel, etc.  If you remain unsure, the writers throw this in at the very beginning in the montage of Asa’s life as a hunter So That You Know:

Bucky: Hey, you know they make new cars, right? Asa: I don’t want a new car. This is my lucky car. 

***Canadian!Dean confirmed.

Shaine Jones may also be the Canadian Jensen Ackles.

I don’t make the rules ok?

Back in the US, the boys surprise Jody with a visit. 

In case you forgot the episode prior to this one:

Side note: domestic Jody gives me life. 

We’re clearly supposed to see how Jody is a mom figure for the boys, and it feels nice for them to have that, especially since Mary is Taking Some Space.  Their entire dynamic warms even my cold black soul.

[romantic scene of a couple silhouetted against a sunset while sweeping music plays on Jody’s TV. The couple kisses.] 

DEAN

[his mouth full of pizza] Jody, you watching some kind of chick flick here?

JODY

Well, Dean. I’m a chick. 

Kim Rhodes YOU ARE A DELIGHT.  A side note - I know this exchange is supposed to be funny, but I feel sad for Dean (who clearly is a rom com chick).  This is a perfect example of Dean struggling to present some fabricated image of heteronormative masculinity that’s not the heart of who he actually is.  His surprise that a “badass sheriff chick” can also enjoy rom coms makes me fucking upset.  

ALSO:

Anyway, Asa has passed on and the boys tag along with Jody to the wake in support.  

SAM

Yeah, no, Jody. We… we know you’ll be fine, but… you know, we never go to hunter gatherings, outside of bars. Dad always said they were trouble, so…

DEAN

Yes, you’d be doing us a favor if you let us tag along.

***more receipts that John Winchester was an isolating abuser.  They could have at least had a normal HUNTER life and friends who hunted.

SAM  

That is a big house. [Music continues playing, coming from inside the house now]

***We now establish one “theme” of the episode.

JODY

Family home. Asa was just a guy. 

AKA pretty brutal implication that Asa didn’t have a family of his own.

Speaking of implications:

[Jody removes her coat and the three of them begin mingling. Dean finds his way to the kitchen and a cooler full of beer] DEAN

No label. Well, that’s a red flag. 

****LOL WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON****

....

....

....

GIRL SEND HELP

Enter Bucky, who is actually (SPOILER!) the villain of the episode.

Do all hunters just walk around with this manly flannel/weird symbolic necklace combo?  Looking at you Bucky and Dean.  

Dean is surprised to find that people know who he is:

But doesn’t seem to have an issue with it until -

***Someone who just bragged the entire five hour car ride about killing Hitler shouldn’t be this concerned about what people are saying about him right? 

Or is he thinking it may involve something he isn’t comfortable sharing - since apparently there are things Dean doesn’t feel comfortable sharing as established by the prior couch conversation with Jody?  Hmmmmmm...

***Compare the expressions.  The “you’ve died four times” response is the same as the smug/proud “I killed Hitler” face.  The reaction to the “stories” is the “hey this is my personal business” reaction Dean had to Sam’s Japanese erotica art form comment. He is thinking specifically about something personal.

I wonder what it could be.

I don’t think any one had to teach Max Banes the art of seduction, but also thank you.

Also, manifesting Dean being raised by Max and Alicia’s Cool Witch Mom instead of John Trash Winchester.  Because that’s what we’re supposed to think here, correct?  Two sibling hunters usually present a brother mirror.

Worth noting Sam’s surprise that witches can also be hunters.  The John Winchester Bigotry Brain Rot runs deep.  (GOD the Sam-witch thing would have driven him crazy I LIVE FOR THAT).

Dean escapes to Asa’s office/room and proceeds to go through his things.

[Dean is in Asa’s office and finds an angel blade mounted on blue velvet inside an ornate glass-lidded box. He opens it, reaches in and pulls out the angel blade, comfortably spinning it in his hand when Sam walks in.]

SAM

Hey.

DEAN

Oh, hi. This is a real Angel Blade. I mean, this guy was legit. 

***that’s weird, why does Canadian!Dean have an angel blade?  We haven’t heard anything about angels yet, and it wasn’t in the opening montage.  Hmmmmmm, I say. Hmmmmmmm...

***Sam is also concerned about The Stories They Tell 

This one particularly:

Honestly I don’t know why he’s THAT surprised that people know he was possessed by Lucifer?  Didn’t he start like multiple apocalypses?  That’s something people tend to be in the know about. Anyhoo.

DEAN

Yeah. Apparently we’re a little bit legendary. 

SAM 

Yeah, but, I mean, so was Asa. Then a hunt went bad, and he ended up hanging from a tree, alone in the woods.

DEAN

He died on the job. No better way to go. 

SAM

You really believe that? 

DEAN

Yeah. What, you don’t? I mean, come on, Sam, it's not like we're in the “live till you're 90, die in your sleep” business. This? [Dean points at Asa’s hunting wall] This only ends one way. 

***Insert deep internal screaming about 15x20 here***

It’s Jody’s turn to be uncomfortable as we find out she and Asa were more than just friends and everyone knew it and Said Things About It and Told Stories About It.

HMMMMMMM...

Dean is surprised that Jody not only enjoys rom coms, but ruggedly hot men. Another thing they have in common.

As Dean comes to terms with the idea that Jody can be a mother figure and also a human person with a life and her own feelings and needs and thoughts, enter the person whom said lesson is actually about:

This is a Kim Rhodes Facial Expression stan account now.

So cute how Jody knows immediately that Dean is not okay.  Time to reach:

JODY

Huh. Is that why you spent the entire ride up here telling me in extreme, excruciating detail how you killed Hitler, but, uh, you neglected to mention the fact that your mom is back from the dead? 

***look, it’s another Dean doesn’t like others knowing personal information parallel!***

DEAN 

Yeah, no big deal. 

JODY

That’s a lie.

DEAN

JODY …

JODY

Look, maybe this isn't my place, and this is epic stuff, but

JODY

Yeah. Because what if I’ve changed. What if they changed? What if it just didn’t work out the way I wanted?  If you wanna talk about anything

***Killing Hitler used yet again to show Dean doesn’t care about oversharing hunting stories, but he doesn’t like for people to know personal ones.  Also, Jody mentions her son and her husband.  Her family and her romantic partner.  

Dean wasn’t just reunited with Mary this season. He was also reunited with Cas, after saying goodbye to him at the end of Season 11 when he headed to what he thought was going to be his death as the Amara-bomb.

So, this conversation isn't just about Mary (the “anything”).  It’s also about Cas (the”...absolutely anything”).

Mary chats with Mama Fox and more Points Are Made about hunters not getting to have a “normal life” or family:

MARY

I saved his life. 

LORRAINE

[scoffing] What am I supposed to say to that? After you, Asa got so… Hunting was his whole life. He never married. Never had a family, kids. And now… enjoy the wake. 

***sending Mary on a guilt spiral about Asa (mirroring her other guilt spiral about hunting as a life for her own sons)

Speaking of mirrors:

BUCKY

And Asa loved that Jeep. Fuses were shorted, fuel line was busted. Ah, he didn’t care. He’d just roll up his sleeves, he’d get right to work. 

Time to learn about today’s Big Bad.

BUCKY

Jael. He’s a crossroads demon. And he hangs people. It’s his thing. Snaps their neck, slits their throat. He’s a real piece of work. 

***Wait a second.  Jael is a demon?  Don’t...angel’s names usually end in “el” in SPNverse?

Samandriel.

Uriel.

Gabriel.

Raphael.

Gadreel.

Castiel.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Anyways the demon [questionable] killed Asa and now everyone  is trapped and also In Grave Danger.  

BUCKY

Exactly. Right, so five years later, Jael– he came back, and he came for Asa. 

JODY

How so? 

BUCKY

Asa was seeing this woman, right? She had a kid. 

LORRAINE

Marlene. 

BUCKY

Yeah, Marlene. Jael got into her. It didn’t matter that he was killing people, he wanted Asa to know it was personal. He gets off on it. 

***that’s so weird, didn’t someone else in the show start seeing a woman with a kid - 

what a sexy little coincidence.

oh and didnt  a supernatural being come back right around that time too - 

HMMMMMMMM.  No killing though.  That’s the difference between angels and demons, I guess.

(meanwhile Dean has been drinking alone outside - as he does, and is realizing he can’t get back in)

HI QUEEN

Also, this immediately took me to 

this show isn’t fair.

****sob break****

Jael Posession 1:

So curious how there are two siblings and then one gets possessed by something Satanic and the other one is good at seducing men.

SO FUCKING CURIOUS.

Jael Possession 2:

Elvis. Random.  Though he was the guy who brought up the Stories Sam Was Surprised Were Circulating -

He was also oddly interested in it.  Methinks Elvis thoroughly enjoyed the Jael possession.

Bilie gets Dean back in the house.  The words “one-time deal” are said a lot of times.

BONUS: Jensen why are you so pretty:

The hunters get to work, and I live for Max Bane’s pentagram aesthetic.

MAX

I like a Fifth Pentacle of Mars. It’s got more character. 

***TBH, same.

Jael possession 3:

****Kim Rhodes is even better when she is playing evil.

JODY/JAEL:

I had so hoped you’d kill your mom. Wouldn’t that be a riot? 

[Mary draws the angel blade and charges at Jody. She cuts Jody’s arm before Sam wrestles her away.] 

SAM

No! Mom!

MARY

What are you doing?! She’s a demon. We kill demons. 

******WOOF MARY - I REPEAT TO YOU THAT THE JOHN TRASH WINCHESTER BRAIN ROT RUNS DEEP.

Also did you immediately flash back to this with me?

Gets me thinking that Dean’s feelings for Cas are made twice as complicated by the fact that he is also a supernatural creature.  Another Reason Why John Winchester Would Disapprove.

****Just as he would Disapprove of Sam Being Possessed By the Devil and all that (never forget he told Dean to kill him because of the whole made unclean by demon blood thing). 

Right on cue:

JODY/JAEL

Oh, I have heard so many stories about you Winchesters. And I desperately want the Lucifer thing to be true.  

***Stories again. Jael proceeds to go into Stories That Are Dark Personal Shameful Secrets:

JAEL

As for the rest of you, I have been inside your heads. I know all about you. For example, the twins. Too frightened to tell anyone that they actually came to say goodbye to their daddy. Or the grieving mother who hated the fact that her son was a hunter so much she’d hide his gear, she’d sabotage his Jeep, anything to keep him from hunting. Not that it worked. Could’ve tried harder, huh? 

[She gestures at her own face] And this meatsuit you all seem to care so much about. She actually fantasized about a life with Asa. Can you believe that? Like that worthless man– 

***HMMMMMMMMM

[Bucky gets off the floor and sneaks up behind Jody/Jael] 

BUCKY 

Shut your filthy mouth. 

[Jody/Jael grabs Bucky by the neck and forces him to his knees] 

JODY/JAEL

And you. Bucky. Brave, brave Bucky. I was there that night. Tell these nice, stupid people what you did. Tell them what you took from me. Asa was mine. 

***Excuse me? THIS IS GETTING VERY...subtextual.  A dark timeline supernatural being/hunter relationship [ending badly because demons only know how to take, consume and possess]? ...Asael?  CURIOUS. 

They chant the exorcism, a different hunter doing each iteration (beautifully done) 

and send Jael back to hell, but not before Bucky shares his Shameful Story - he’s the one who killed Asa.

Elaboration:

BUCKY

Asa, he was just all– he was just always so stubborn. Look, we were in the woods. [We see the scene play out as Bucky describes it] Jael, he… he was taunting him. Asa wanted to chase him, but he didn’t have the angel blade. I said, “Let’s go back.” He called me a coward, and he shoved me, so I shoved him back, and he fell. He hit his head. Asa? I didn’t mean to do it. But it was a mistake. Asa. Asa? An accident. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. Asa hated that damn demon so much that I just…

DEAN

Oh, you thought people would buy that Jael killed him? So you hung your best friend to cover your own ass. 

BUCKY

What are you gonna do to me? 

ALICIA:

Tell everyone, every hunter we meet. They’re gonna know your name, Bucky. Know what you did. 

MAX

You like stories. This is the story everyone’s gonna tell about you. Forever. 

***Shameful Stories that Define You, what a theme.  Also, definitely a supernatural being potentially having some subtextual feelings for Canadian!Dean.  Hmmm.

***Funeral pyre and side discussion about how Asa did have a family, and children, and a potential supernatural sidepiece.

In conclusion, Supernatural is a love story.  Thank you for watching this dark timeline/Canadian dub.  You’re dismissed for the day.  Go eat bacon.

[mittensmorgul]

Hi, I have a question, and I hope it would be interesting for you too... Could we talk about angel's wings and feathers?..

I always thought that angel's wings were a part of their true form, a kind of energy which we can only see as a shadows or electric sparks or ash or something like this.

And I didn't think that it could be a real wings with feathers as bird's. Until, while rewatch, I've noticed that angel's feather were mentioned in SPN at least twice (maybe you've noticed more?):

1) In 8.12 when Henry Winchester time travels he uses an angel feather in spell. And then Dean tells that Henry stole an angel feather from the trunk of the Impala. So feathers are reall??? Why did the Winchestets keep the feather in the trunk of the Impala and where they get it? (ok, maybe they found it in the bunker)

2) In 12.13 Sam uses a white feather in spell returning Gavin back in time (we know this spell needs an angel feather)

So now we can see how the real angel feather looks like???

Does that mean that the angel's wings can be presented in physical world like a real wings with feathers and this is not fanfiction? I like this idea so much.

I think that the creators of the show didn't let us to see it, as many other great things, that is sad...

I would really like to know your thoughts about this.

(Sorry for my bad english, it is not my native language...)

Hi there! First off, your English is fine! (lol it’s my native language, and I just typed it “Inglish” by accident, so you’re already doing better than I am :’D)

ETA: DON’T REBLOGGY THIS YET. I forgotted something that @thayerkerbasy just reminded me of, and I’m editing this post... brb... okay NOW YOU CAN REBLOGGY!)

As far as I know, those are the only times in canon we ever see or hear mention of an angel feather, and both times it’s for the same exact spell. They reference that it’s Henry’s spell when they use it again in 12.13, but make no mention in dialogue of it being an angel feather. Yet Sam had a whole jar of fluffy little pin feathers, so the assumption is that they’d been collecting them for a while (unless those were either found in the Men of Letters’ spell ingredient stockpile when they moved into the bunker, or otherwise given to them by Cas at some point).

It’s weird, because they seem like a very limited commodity, especially after the angels fell and their wings all burned up. Even after Cas got his original grace back, his wings never seemingly recovered. When we did finally see his wing prints in 12.23, they were still... not healthy... So my thinking is that any spell that would require them will become impossible to cast when their current supply runs out. All the other angels-- at the end of the series-- were either dead or locked in Heaven with their broken wings. We never learned any of their fates. Maybe they were all rendered obsolete under the Heaven Remodel?

A little behind the scenes from the early days of SPN as a bonus, since it’s tangentially relevant:

When they were filming the very early episodes of SPN, they had a lot of choices to make about what to show us based on what their budget would allow them to portray. Think of an episode like Wendigo, 1.02. One thing I see people say often was that it was a shame we didn’t see more of the monster, but only saw like... bushes shaking, or a vague form moving through the underbrush, or a blur. They made a stylistic choice right there to keep it within budget.

The options they faced were showing us a “dude in a rubber mask” type monster and showing it more, versus one really terrifying shot of a Proper Monster™ dying in spectacular fashion. Rather than go full-on cheesemonster, they chose to leave most of it up to our imaginations, giving us glimpses or hints of the monster.

They went back and forth on this a bit over the years, attempting to show us more on occasion, but most of those times the audience reaction has been varying degrees of wtf... Think about some of the scenes where they attempted to give us more than a glimpse at the supernatural, or a blood splatter, or whatever. It didn’t always work well. Think: the wire fight from 13.23...

I mean, it took us until 11.14 to ever see an angel “flap away,” when we saw Casifer zap Dean off the exploding submarine.

For the most part, I appreciate the fact that they understood the limitations of their own budget and didn’t give angels cheap little wings just to be able to show them on camera. Over time, only being able to see them as shadows, or as char after the angel died, became part of the lore of the show.

I blame Adam Glass for writing that spell, because he probably thought it sounded cool or whatever, that it was effectively a throwaway line because no other spell they’ve ever used has required an angel feather as an ingredient, and in story it was only linked into this larger Men of Letters Legacy plot that in retrospect feels like Chuck tying up loose ends and putting previously “deactivated” plotlines back into play.

I do find it kind of interesting that both iterations of this spell (the second resurrected by Bucklemming) were both tied to Abaddon. Henry’s spell in 8.12 brought her into the story from the past, she eventually travelled to the much further distant past to bring Gavin into the present (presumably with her own power alone, no angel feather required), and then after she was killed, they used the spell to return Gavin to his own time. So in a a way, the spell was part of a closed narrative loop, never to be referred to again.

Kinda wild that we’d never heard of angel feathers being a thing for spells until we learn that Dean apparently had some just stashed in the trunk, though... :’D

As for how corporeal angel feathers are/were, they exist in the earthly plane enough to leave char marks when they burn, when an angel is killed, so they must always have had the potential to manifest physically. I can’t imagine they ever would’ve had a budget to show us anything more than what we usually saw, though. It did give them a LOT of flexibility over how exactly they presented them to us when they DID show us. And I can’t even imagine the suffering Misha would’ve endured as an actor spending all those years wearing some weird wing harness rig. It would’ve been... impractical. And the CGI the show could’ve afforded-- especially in earlier days-- would’ve been... bad...

But what they were able to show us? Was often awesome. Remember when Raphael showed off his wings in 5.03? LIGHTNING!

And when we finally did see actual corporeal-appearing wings in 8.23... it was Dramatique™

And for More CGI Is Sometimes A Bad Thing Science, please have the attempt at Michael’s “true form” from 14.01:

It’s kinda a super-letdown after AU!Michael’s previous shadow wing displays from 13.01, but more specifically from 13.22:

those... were... badass... 

Even the pre-wire-fight wing shadows on Dean were badass:

But if they’d tried to show us more of them, to make them move through action scenes for example, it would’ve been... bad...

So what we’re left with is the knowledge that there is some sort of corporeal element to wings that we simply can’t see most of the time, but clearly angels have the ability to show or hide them at will, even from other angels. Could it be an act of will on the part of the angel that manifests a bit of their grace in the form of a physical feather? Honestly, that’s the theory I’ve personally adopted toward canon. In fanfic, I’ve read tons of various headcanons about what angel wings are and how they function-- everything from “a manifestation of their true form” to “angels share a lot of traits with birds” to “an extension of their grace,” and everything in between.

I personally, in canon, like to think of it as akin to how they’ve used angel grace for other spells. I mean, when we recall that angels haven’t been on Earth much for the last few thousand years (aside from at least a couple of known incidents where angels interfered with humanity, like Ishim and Company in 12.10, for example, and the presumptive extension that the Men of Letters knew of the existence of angels and likely summoned one up a time or two the same way Lily Sunder had, giving one explanation for how Henry Winchester knew of this spell and had an angel feather to use for it, but also recontextualized when Lily Sunder taught us that humans can use their own souls to power spells in the same way angels used their grace... which sort of makes the notion of needing an angel feather AND his own soul to charge that particular spell in 8.12 a bit redundant unless Lily’s knowledge of angelic magic was more advanced than Henry’s... hrmpf.... so much tangent... back to the point)...

We did eventually learn of other spells that required an angel’s actual grace, not concentrated in the form of a feather. The Angel Fall Spell in 8.23 being the prime example. Metatron took ALL of Cas’s grace for that one, even if he didn’t use all of it for the spell and left a “fragment” (Metatron described it as “not a lot, but enough.”). 

ETA: HECK. I have 9.03 on the tv right now and it’s distractedly made me disgusted enough to have forgotten something that Thayer just reminded me of: Lucifer’s “fossilized feather” in 12.07. It held enough grace to restore and heal him after Rowena’s spell in 12.03 had degraded him. Which really only adds to the theory that “feathers” are simply bits of grace that have been rendered solid somehow, but that can be transformed back into grace as needed.

And then there was the Rift Spell for travelling to alternate universes that required archangel grace, as well as the time travel/ward breaking spell that Sam found in 11.14 that ALSO required archangel grace specifically. Would these spells have worked with an archangel “feather?” Possibly, if material feathers are somehow just crystalized bits of grace, but since we never got a full explanation in canon, and never even really saw corporeal feathery wings that dropped feathers or could be plucked, and never even had mention of corporeal feathers outside of their use in this single spell, it’s really up to our own interpretation. And I kind of like it that way, because that way we get to have fun little discussions like this one. :D

I know this isn’t a definitive answer, but it’s how it all makes sense to me, in the hand-wavey sort of way that all of canon works. :’D

[arcticfox007]

Angel Wings

Destiel December Challenge 2020

Continuation of Days 2-5 - check it out on AO3

Day 6: Angel

               Dean would be gone for hours if he stuck to the plan Sam had been helping him with. Sam felt that, just maybe, things would go exactly has he hoped they would go. Dean seemed genuinely committed to treating Castiel better. Personally, Sam chalked it up to passing on Mom’s conversation with Cas’, Dean seemed to have taken the idea that Cas felt he didn’t belong here to heart.

Since they got back from the not-Yeti case Dean had been waking up to make Cas coffee, he’d convinced Cas that baking pies was an essential Christmas tradition which resulted in the two of them spending hours watching cooking shows together in an attempt to make the perfect pie, and Dean had even spent time helping Cas order a Christmas gift for Claire online. Just last night Dean had made apple cider for everyone and had been sitting awfully close to Cas while they watched Patrick Stewart in “A Christmas Carol” under the premise of sharing a blanket. Sam had spent the night wishing they would just kiss already because the sexual tension in the bunker was ridiculous, but he had honestly never seen Dean happier. Cas seemed confused but pleased by the change in Dean’s behavior and as a result had thrown himself wholeheartedly into his own Christmas plans.

However, with only 5 days left until Christmas, Sam had managed to kick Dean out of the bunker so he could focus on helping Cas with his spell. Dean had a lot of shopping to do anyway, and the stores were sure to be crowded enough to keep him out for hours. The streets were pretty snowy as well, and Dean couldn’t drive as fast as he normally would in the Impala because of it. Sam went looking for Cas in the library.

“Hey Cas, Dean will be gone for hours, do we have everything to try out this spell of yours?” Cas didn’t look up from the papers he was pouring over.

“I believe so. It should expand on my ability to astrally project my wings, but I’m uncertain it will actually result in physical manifestation perceivable to humans.”

“Okay, so obviously angels have wings, and you can project a shadow type image. You also said they can be used protectively to an extent – don’t they need to have some amount of physical presence in this plane for that to be possible?” Sam really did want to help Cas, but he was also geeking out a bit. How often did someone get the chance to learn this much about angels?

“Yes. Aspects of angel wings can retain physicality in certain circumstances as well. For example, a feather removed from our wings with purpose can retain enough of a, hm, echo of our grace to retain physicality. The purpose of this spell follows a similar principle. The difficulty is in maintaining it for a period of time without draining my grace too badly. It’s also strange because my wings are already altered when I’m in a vessel to be proportionate to the human body. They are only a reflection of my true form, so I’m attempting to alter and alteration.” Sam thought about that for a moment.

“Okay, so you’re saying whatever manifests, if anything, will be at least two steps away from your true form. Will that make them safe to see?” Cas nodded. “Okay. So, if this is mostly about you redirecting your grace, what is the spell for?”

“Two spells. One will make it easier for me to redirect my grace through my wings. When they were damaged by Metatron it became more difficult to make use of them. The second is specifically for Dean to give him temporary access to the astral plane, if he focuses on it. Gifted humans can do this anyway, and his temporary abilities will only work if I can meet him halfway.”

“Okay, so you said the second spell is one you already knew would work. You want to try the first one and see if it works?”

“Yes. Thank you for your assistance Sam.” Sam smiled at Cas brightly and got to work. Since they had already spent a day gathering ingredients, they just had to combine them and cast the spell. Sam did the actual spell work as Cas sat in a chair and tolerated the cold gunk being used to paint sigils on his back. Sam chanted in Enochian and for a moment it seemed like nothing had happened. Then there was a flash of blue light on Cas’ back and the sigils disappeared.

               “Well, something happened. How do you feel Cas?” Cas started to shake and make pained noises. “Crap! Cas, are you okay?” Sam crouched down in front of his friend, not sure what to do. Cas held his hand out indicating that he needed a moment so Sam waited anxiously while the angel curled over his stomach breathing heavily. Slowly, Cas seemed to breath more normally until he finally sat up.

               “I’m fine Sam. I believe it worked, my grace flowing through my wings unencumbered after so long was – painful. I have adjusted though.” Cas took a deep breath and Sam helped him stand. “I guess there’s nothing left but to try and see how much I can manifest them.” Cas looked around the library skeptically.

               “What’s wrong, Cas?”

               “This may not be the best location to experiment, my wings are rather large.”

               “Okay, let’s try the roof. We’re in the middle of nowhere so it’s unlikely anyone will see you.” Cas agreed and proceeded to walk outside, still shirtless. Sam almost said something about it being cold and still snowing on and off, but then remembered it wouldn’t bother the angel anyway. Sam grabbed his coat and hat and followed Cas outside.

               “Cas,” Sam started as they worked their way up to the roof, “Why did you want Dean to be able to see your wings as a Christmas present?” Cas glanced over his shoulder as he continued to walk in front of Sam.

               “I guess… it’s about showing Dean something of my true self. Giving him a part of myself so he knows how much I value him.” Cas seemed to want to say something else but stopped short. Sam honestly thought the whole thing was stupid romantic, and while his brother wasn’t big into talking about feelings, he doubted even Dean could fail to react emotionally to Cas’ present.

               “I’m sure he will appreciate it Cas. You make him better, you know. He’s cares for himself more when you’re here, I don’t worry about him as much.” They had made it to the roof and Cas turned around to look at Sam with a solemn expression.

               “Thank you for telling me that Sam. I am happy for anything I can do for Dean, and you.” Cas was silent for a moment, gazing off into the distance, but he then seemed to recall where he was. With a small shake of his head, he returned to the task at hand. “Well, I suppose we should see how much the spell helped.” Sam stood back and watched Castiel close his eyes in concentration. He seemed to be struggling with something and then Sam felt a rush of energy sweep past him. He saw two massive shadowy wings unfurl behind the angel. They were gaps where Sam thought there should be feathers, but they were still extremely impressive.

               “Wow, Cas. I can see them – well the projection at least.” Castiel curled his wings in front of him to examine them. He seemed mildly surprised by something. “Is there something wrong Cas?”

               “No. Actually, they seem to be fuller. Allowing my grace to flow more easily into them seems to be healing them, that must be why they are painful.”

               “That’s good, right? I thought angel wings couldn’t heal after Metatron expelled everyone though, would this spell work for other angels?” Cas shook his head.

               “My wings weren’t damaged by the expulsion; they were harmed by Metatron using up part of my grace. I just hadn’t thought about why they hadn’t healed before. Even then, it’s doubtful the damage can be repaired enough to allow me to fly again, my grace is still less than it was and the power of Heaven is greatly diminished.” Regardless of Cas’ words Sam could tell his friend was pleased to see his wings in better shape.

               “I’m happy for you Cas.” The angel took a few more moments to look over his shadowy wings before getting back to the business at hand.

               “You said you only see the projection of my wings? Do you mind if I try something?”

               “Go ahead.” Sam saw one of the giant wings sweep out and then back. Sam got a dusting of snow and a wave of chilly wind in his face. “Agh, cold!” Sam rubbed frantically at his face trying to get rid of the icy droplets.

               “Sorry Sam. It appears that they do have some degree of physicality. Hopefully that will be enough for Dean to be able to touch them with the addition of the other spell.” Cas tipped one side of his mouth up in a half smile, obviously pleased that his idea was working out so far. Cas noticed Sam shivering. “We can go inside now, thank you for your help Sam.”

               “You’re welcome but yeah, let’s get inside.”

***

               By the time Dean arrived home that afternoon Sam had gone out on a grocery run. Dean found Cas scrolling through the news online after he had hidden the shopping bags in his room.

               “Anything new?” Cas looked up at Dean as if the sun had come out after a storm. For a moment Dean just stared back, stunned more than usual by the angel’s fathomless blue eyes. He realized Cas was talking, but he hadn’t actually heard a word he said.

               “Dean?”

               “Sorry Cas, what was that?”

               “I was just saying there isn’t anything new on the Lucifer front. No new cases either.”

               “Okay. Do you want to do something then? Try another pie recipe? We still have peaches.” Cas’ smile widened. Now that Dean thought about it, he hadn’t ever seen Cas smile as much as he had been recently. Dean smiled back, happy that maybe his plan was working and Cas was beginning to feel more like he belonged here with them. With him, a small voice in the back of Dean’s mind insisted.

               “Can we try the flat pie one we saw yesterday?”, Cas asked. Dean snorted.

               “That’s not pie, more like a tart.” Cas rolled his eyes.

               “Dean. They said it was peach pie.” Well, Dean wasn’t going to deny that the ingredients were similar, and if it made Cas happy, he was willing to call the sheet pan dessert pie. Dean threw up his hands in surrender.

               “Okay, okay! Let’s go make not-pie, c’mon.” Dean grabbed Cas’ hand, allowing himself the brief contact with the angel. Dean was suspecting more and more that his feelings for Cas were only growing, but he was doubtful that angels could even fall in love. He’d just have to content himself with the time they spent together. He wanted Cas to be happier here on Earth, to feel like he was supposed to be here. Seeing Cas smile as they worked on slicing peaches together felt like the kind of peace that Dean hadn’t ever had, and had never thought possible.

               “Dean?”

               “Yeah?”

               “I’d like to give you your Christmas present on Christmas Eve. Just us. I know it’s traditional to exchange gift on the actual day but -” Dean cut Cas off before he could continue.

               “Whoa, Cas, it’s fine. I, uh, I’d actually like it to be just us when I give you your gift as well. So maybe Christmas Eve would work better anyway.” Dean carefully avoiding looking at Cas’ face as he could feel a blush creeping up his neck.

               “Oh. Yes, that would be… agreeable.” Cas’ voice trailed off into a whisper and Dean risked a glance at the angel’s profile. Cas was also studiously avoiding looking at Dean and seemed to be nervous. Dean started to wonder if maybe, maybe he was wrong about angels. Maybe Cas felt something more for Dean as well. They continued their prep work in silence but the tension slowly dissipated as they fell into a friendly argument about how much butter they really needed (Dean was in favor of more). By the time Sam returned they were happily watching Rudolf, at Cas’ insistence, while waiting for the not-pie to cool off on the stove.

               Whatever was going on between them, Dean was looking forward to Christmas Eve.

***

               On the astral plane, Cas’ slowly healing wings curled lovingly around Dean. Cas sighed in contentment, wanting nothing more than to stay here with Dean for as long as possible. He was beginning to hope that, just maybe, Dean wanted the same thing.

***

@galaxycastiel, @jellydeans, @my-favourite-hellatus, @nguyenxtrang

[deancas-fanfiction]

A Daydream Away

Chapter 1/?

Summary: After multiple couples go missing from a resort in northern Minnesota, Dean and Cas are forced to pose as a couple to investigate the mysterious entity. As Dean and Cas navigate their fake relationship, it leaves Dean questioning what's real and forces him to confront his feelings for Cas.

A story in which Cas is human, Dean is sometimes an idiot, and Sam acts as matchmaker.

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Tags: fake relationship, case fic, sharing a bed, human!cas, Sam ships Dean and Cas, fluff, eventual smut

available on ao3 Read Ch. 2 Here

“I think I found us a case,” Sam announced, entering the Dean Cave with his nose buried in his laptop.

Dean sighed in irritation, pausing the movie he and Cas were in the middle of watching. “This better be good, if you’re interrupting our movie night. You know we’re in the middle of Half Blood Prince, and Cas hasn’t seen it.”

“Metatron did upload the movie content into my –” Cas argued, but stilled at Dean’s murderous glare.

“Being told what happens and actually experiencing it are two very different things, Cas. You have to experience it firsthand.”

Cas opened his mouth to argue but didn’t get the chance, as Sam interrupted him by loudly clearing his throat.

“Are you two done?” Sam looked at the two of them in irritation and Dean had to stifle a laugh at the almost stern expression on his face.

“Sorry, Sammy. The floor is yours. Tell us about your case.”

“Okay, so get this. There’s this resort called Grand View Lodge in Nisswa, Minnesota where couples have reportedly gone missing. In the past month, three couples have disappeared without a trace. No evidence of foul play and all of their personal belongings were left behind as were their vehicles. None of the other guests saw or heard anything.”

“That does sound suspicious,” Cas agreed. “Did the missing persons have anything in common?”

“All I can ascertain from the articles and social media posts is that the couples were very happily in love and were staying there on their honeymoon. But there isn’t a lot of information out there. I think we need to check it out, but we’ll need to pose as a couple if we want to gather information and attempt to lure whatever entity this is.”

“Go for it,” Dean shrugged. “When are you and Eileen leaving?” Dean noted the sudden look of discomfort on Sam’s face as he awkwardly shifted the laptop to his other hand.

“So that’s the thing…”

Dean groaned. “Of course.  It’s never that simple.”

“Eileen is on a hunt in Ohio right now. She just got there, so she won’t be back in time.”

“What about Jody? Or Donna?”

Sam shook his head. “Neither can get off work. Claire and Kaia are both out on a hunt, too. That leaves just the three of us.”

“So…?”

“So, that means you and Cas will need to pose as newlyweds, and I can come as backup. The resort is looking for temporary help for the holiday season so I can work at the front desk and interview the employees for information, while you guys can lure the entity and interview the guests.”

Dean choked on his beer and barely managed to sputter out a response. “You want me…and Cas… to pose as a couple? Are you serious?”

“Fine.” He shrugged.  “Me and Cas will pose as a couple then, and you can get a job there. I just thought you’d prefer not to work at a customer service desk.”

Dean felt a flash of irritation surge through him at Sam’s suggestion. The idea of Sam and Cas posing as a couple left a bitter taste in his mouth. Imagining them holding hands or having a romantic dinner just the two of them caused him to involuntarily clench his teeth and form a fist. He wasn’t jealous. No really, he wasn’t. It just – wasn’t right, okay? Sam and Cas probably wouldn’t be able to even pull off posing as a couple. So really, for the sake of the case, Dean should agree to pair up with Cas. All for the sake of the case. That’s all.

Suddenly Deans thoughts consisted of posing as a couple with Cas. Well, not just a couple, but Cas’ husband. Dean’s mouth went dry and oh. Okay. That scenario suddenly seemed a lot more pleasant. They’d have to hold hands, but really, that wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe add a few lingering touches and cutesy nicknames into the mix. But that shouldn’t be too bad, he’s used to Cas being in his personal space. In fact, he’s sort of grown accustomed to it at this point. Cas has always gravitated towards Dean’s personal space. While it was a mild irritation at first, it evolved into a comfort as it was something so expected. Besides, since Cas became human with the help of Jack, they’ve spent much more time together. Movie nights were nearly a nightly occurrence at this point. Their thighs always pressed against each other as they fight over the shared bowl of popcorn. Or in the mornings, when Dean rests his hand on Cas’ lower back for balance so he can reach a mug from the top shelf. Or when Dean tries to teach Cas how to properly play pool by standing behind him, helping him aim the cue. Really, the list goes on. So, pretending to be married shouldn’t be that much different than their current dynamic.

Huh. That’s a new revelation. Before that thought can cause too much panic, he buries it deep inside and ignores the way it made his stomach swoop. “No, no. You’re right.” Dean cleared his throat in an attempt to hide the way his voice sounded borderline frantic. “I would be a terrible employee. I would probably be fired for flirting with the guests or yelling at my boss.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Okay, great. So, you and Cas can pose as newlyweds, just as I suggested. I’ll book the cabin and we’ll head out early in the morning.” He stomped out of the room and Dean mirrored his brother, rolling his eyes in return.

Cas wordlessly grabbed the remote and pressed play, leaning back into Dean as the movie resumed.

---

The next morning, they were on the road much too early, in both Dean and Cas' opinion. They stayed up later than was probably wise to finish their movie. Then Cas had questions, to which Dean had to patiently answer and suddenly it was nearly two in the morning. Meanwhile, Sam was bright eyed and happily sipping his thermos of coffee as he lowered himself into the Impala.

"Dean, if you wanted to keep sleeping I could --"

"Don't you dare." Dean warned. "I'm driving, now shut your mouth." He heard Sam sigh in response and turned the key, feeling the car rumble beneath him. He pulled out of the garage and turned onto the road, getting a start on the nine-hour drive to Nisswa.

The first hour of the drive was nearly silent. The radio played quietly in the background as all three occupants took the time to fully wake up. Every now and then Cas would nudge Dean's arm from the backseat, his silent way of asking for Dean's coffee. Dean would roll his eyes, but nevertheless pass him the thermos with a smile tugging at his lips.

The silence wasn't broken until Cas complained that Dean finished the coffee. This, of course, prompted into an argument over who was entitled to the last sip of the coffee, only to be broken by Sam's frustrated interjection.

"Guys. Cut it out. You can get more coffee when we stop for gas."

"Gas station coffee is not the same as bunker coffee."

"Yeah, they don't have almond milk at gas stations, Sam."

"See? Not the same." Dean chirped, enjoying teaming up with Cas against Sam.

Sam rolled his eyes at his brother's antics and changed the subject. "We should probably discuss the case in more detail before we arrive."

"What's left to discuss? Couples went missing while banging on their honeymoon. Probably a routine salt and burn of some pissed off ghost."

"Delicately put, jackass." Sam scoffed. "I was thinking, we should discuss your relationship with Cas."

"My what?" Dean's pulse quickened and he internally cursed his body for betraying him.

"Your relationship with Cas. You know, for the case. We need to come up with a back story so that way if someone asks how you met, Cas won't say 'I gripped him tight and raised him from perdition.'"

"That is how we met, though." Cas insisted.

"Dude, you can't just tell people that!"

"We just need to think of a way to twist it, so it sounds normal." Sam explained. "So, for example, Dean could say he met Cas during a bad time in his life and Cas saved him."

"That's putting it lightly," Dean commented. "Cas? Does that work with you?"

"Fine."

"You're grumpy today." Dean observed, meeting Cas' eyes in the rearview mirror.

"I'm not grumpy. I'm tired. And I didn't get my full amount of coffee."

"You drank your whole thermos and half of mine. How much do you normally drink?"

"More than that."

"You have a caffeine addiction, you know that?"

"Well, at least you two already have the bickering of a married couple down." Sam half joked.

Dean rolled his eyes and focused back on the road; lips drawn into a straight line.

"What else do we need to cover?" Cas resigned, breaking the silence that once again settled over the car.

"Length of relationship."

"Ten years." Cas answered easily.

Sam pursed his lips. "Why don't we say you've been together for 5 years, and friends for the first 5. That will make you fit the same profile as the other missing couples a little more closely."

"Jesus, Sam. We'll be fine, we've been in situations like this before."

"I just don't want your cover blown. We have no one else to fill in. We need to discuss what your wedding was like, who proposed, how long you were engaged --"

Dean cut him off with a sharp look. "The wedding was small, just close family and friends. No one proposed, we both talked about it and together we agreed to get married. The engagement was short, less than a year. How's that for our cover?"

"That's great. Cas, did you get all that?"

"Yes. Can we stop and get more coffee now?"

"I thought gas station coffee wasn't good enough for you?"

"It's not. There's a Starbucks at this next exit. I saw a sign."

"Cas, we're not even halfway there yet. Dean's not going to stop yet."

But sure enough, Dean was already turning towards the exit, cataloguing the way Cas' lips turned up at the corner.

The remaining hours of the trip passed rather quickly. Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel in tune to his Zeppelin tape, Sam read lore in preparation of the case, and Cas happily watched the passing snow-clad landscape while sipping on his venti coffee.

As they neared the town of Nisswa, the scenery gave way from a frozen landscape with nothing but bare trees and the occasional truck stop to boutique shops, rustic restaurants, and log-cabin-like structures that served as hotels and cafes. As they neared their turn off the highway, Sam requested to be dropped off in town so he could secure a car rental and check into his own hotel. Sam would be interviewing for the seasonal front desk position early the next morning, so he couldn't be seen arriving with Dean and Cas.

"Oh! Before I forget --" Sam paused after stepping out of the Impala and dug around in his bag. He retrieved two gold bands and handed one to Dean and Cas. "Your wedding rings."

Dean slipped his on and scowled at his brother. "Where did you get these?"

"A pawn shop," Sam said sheepishly. "I grabbed them when I went out on a supply run last night. Don't lose them - I'm pretty sure they're actually gold."

"It's probably a knock off and will turn our fingers green."

"No, Sam is right," Cas observed. He held the ring close to his face, carefully scrutinizing it. "It's 24k gold. It's actually quite good quality."

"Thank you, Cas." Sam said pointedly. "You two better get going and check in. I made your reservation under "Smith." I'll be at the resort tomorrow morning for my interview. I made a very persuasive resume so I should be hired no problem. Just keep your phones on you and check in with me occasionally, yeah?"

"I know how to do my job, Sam. Cas and I will get settled in then we'll talk to some of the guests at breakfast tomorrow morning. Don't worry about us. Worry about your interview," Dean said with a wink. "Cas, you've been upgraded to shotgun, let's go."

With that, Sam stepped away from the car, making room for Cas to climb in. "Be careful, guys."

"Yeah, you too," Dean replied. Cas then shut the door and Dean pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto the highway. "You ready for this?"

Cas nodded, fidgeting with the gold band on his finger. "We met 10 years ago and started dating 5 years ago. A few months ago, we decided to get married and we had a small wedding with our closest family and friends. Now we're on our honeymoon."

"Yeah, that - that's good."

Dean cautiously glanced over at Cas. His hair was tousled from leaning against the window, with the left side matted down and the right side sticking straight out. He had an air of contentment radiating from him, no doubt from the dangerously high levels of caffeine racing through him. Since becoming human, Cas formed a very dependent relationship with both coffee and sleep. Sleeping became his favorite pastime as he was finally able to experience dreams. However, that meant he would often sleep for the better part of the morning, only begrudgingly getting out of bed when Dean would pound on his door to inform him breakfast, and more importantly coffee, was ready. Even then, Cas would be grumpy until he was halfway through his second cup of coffee.

Dean would never admit it to anyone, but he always enjoyed his morning routine with Cas. Cas would silently sit at the table, watching Dean dish up breakfast. Dean would slide a fully loaded plate of eggs and bacon towards him and watch as he took his first bite. Cas would always groan in appreciation (which okay, maybe Dean enjoyed that part a little too much, but he would never admit to that either) and then Dean would refill Cas's mug. At that point Sam would enter the kitchen, just back from his run and openly making a disgusted face at the heaping pile of bacon on Dean's plate. Ignoring him, Dean would sit next to Cas, and Cas would scoot closer to Dean, soaking in his body heat due to the endless cold draft in the bunker. That's the only reason Dean would lean back into him. No other reason, whatsoever, regardless of the knowing look on Sam's face.

Dean ended his train of thought there and signaled for the coming turn which featured a large stone sign with "Grand View Lodge" neatly printed on it. The road was illuminated by string lights and lanterns along it and Dean could see cabins in the trees along the road, with warm yellow lights illuminating the darkness around them. The Impala's headlights shone on a sign directing them towards the main lodge for check-in. The resort grounds seemed beautiful and very quiet. Dean could understand why it was a popular destination for newlyweds. The cold winter air made the glowing cabins seem all the cozier. He could imagine the resort in the summer, filled with families and children running towards the lake with sunscreen and beach towels in tow. It would be quite the opposite than it is now, in mid-December with below zero temps and not a single person in sight.

The first sign of life they saw was the dozen cars parked outside of the main lodge for check in, otherwise no one was out of their cabins. "It's going to be hard to talk to the guests when it's this cold. No one will want to leave their cabin." Dean frowned.

"Sam said there's an optional itinerary over the weekend for all of the guests. We'll have to sign up for some activities so we can interview them."

Dean sighed. "As long as it involves free food, I'm in." He put the car in park and traded the warmth for the frigid cold. It was a sharp cold that hurts your lungs as you breathe it in. It was the kind of cold that you don't spend time in unless you have to. Dean pulled the jacket tight against him and motioned for Cas to follow him inside.

The main lodge was beautiful. There was no other way to describe it. The interior was covered in dark wood, with large leather couches set in front of a roaring stone fireplace. A small gift shop was off to the side and there were large rustic chandeliers hanging from the ceiling. Dean could hear silverware clattering and subdued conversation which hinted to the presence of a restaurant down the hall. The front desk was near the doors and they quickly approached to check in.

"Good evening," The receptionist beamed. Her name tag identified her as Brenda. "Welcome to Grand View Lodge. Have either of you stayed with us before?"

"No, Ma'am," Dean responded, leaning against the desk.

"Well, welcome!" She said cheerfully. Dean could already anticipate that she and Sam will get along perfectly once he’s hired. "Here's a map of the resort grounds for your reference. It shows all of our cabins and the four restaurants we have on site. You can dine in or order room service. All of that information is on the back of the map. Now, can I get the name your reservation is under?"

"Dean Smith."

Brenda typed in the name and clicked a few times then looked up at Dean and Cas grinning. "You should have mentioned you were on your Honeymoon! Congratulations, love birds!" Dean felt his face heat up and avoided eye contact with Cas. 'Minnesota Nice' was very real and it was making Dean very uncomfortable.

"Thank you," Dean choked out. "Could we get our keys now? We just had a really long drive and we're tired."

"Oh, of course! I don't want to delay your honeymoon activities," she stated not-so-subtly. She opened a drawer and handed Dean two key cards. Then she grabbed their resort map and circled their cabin number.

"Do you have a list of activities you offer?" Cas questioned.

"Oh! Yes! This weekend we offer both wine and bourbon tasting, depending on your preferences. We also offer couples' cooking classes, and our spa is open for couples' massages. I see you’re staying for a week so here's a pamphlet of all the activities we're offering this month," She explained as she handed over a brochure. "We also have an ice rink which is open until 8pm and free to all guests."

Cas opened his mouth to assumingely ask a question that would only drag out the check-in process, so Dean interrupted him.

"Great, thank you. We appreciate your help," He then grabbed Cas by the hand and pulled him back into the cold.

"She seemed nice," Cas observed.

"Too chipper. Sam will love her."

Cas laughed at that. It was the kind of laugh that shows his perfectly white teeth and makes his eyes slightly crinkle. It was the kind of laugh that was Dean's absolute favorite.

Dean glanced at the map, noting where to drive to get to their cabin. It appeared to be a short drive from the main lodge. He started the car and turned back onto the gravel road they entered on. Following the signs, they were led along a winding road towards the south end of the grounds, where the now frozen lake is located. The trees were dense, and the cabins were growing sparser as they continued along the road. At last, they pulled up to a quaint log cabin that matched the number on their keys. The cabin had large windows and a wrap-around porch that would be perfect to utilize in the summer and fall. The porch light was on, illuminating the front yard which was littered with large pine trees.

He put the Impala in park, and they grabbed their bags out of the backseat. The night was still and silent. There were no lights except for those on the porch. A large expanse of stars and sky nearly took Dean’s breath away. Growing up, Dean would always take solace in the night sky littered with millions of stars. With the ever-constant change of living on the road, the stars were always there. When John would drink too much or be gone too long on a hunt thereby forcing Dean to parent Sam, he would step outside of their usual run-down motel and take a deep breath, taking in the stars. As they got older and Sam’s nerd tendencies began to develop, he would tell Dean all about the constellation. They’d sit on the sidewalk with their backs against the brick motel and Sam would just talk. He’d point out the shapes in the stars and talk about the history and the namesakes behind each one. It was a most welcoming distraction from the constant shit in Dean’s life.

Even now, as he looks up at the brilliant set of stars unhindered by city lights, Dean can’t help but feel grateful for where his life is. Sure, his kid is basically God. And he’s helplessly in love with his best friend who was an angel but is now a human and probably doesn’t feel the same way about him and now he has to pretend to be his husband at a romantic resort, which can only go poorly. Then there’s the fact that his mom was dead, then she was alive, and then she was dead again. Really, just piles and piles of trauma that he’s had to deal with. But God, Dean still feels lucky. Because he has a family. He has Sam, Cas, Jack, Eileen, Jody and the girls. During those years growing up he always assumed he’d be dead before living a life like this.

A gust of wind whips across the yard, stinging all exposed skin which pulls Dean out of his spiraling thoughts. Cas is mirroring Dean from moments ago, also gazing up at the night sky. “I’ve been alive for so long yet the beauty and wonders of this life will never cease to amaze me.” Cas simply states, as if that wasn’t the most poetic shit to ever come out of someone’s mouth.

At a loss for words, Dean clasps Cas’ shoulder and leads him through the snow and into the cabin. He unlocks the door and welcomes the immediate warmth radiating from inside the cabin. The cabin is incredibly cozy. The walls are a dark wood, with leather sofas next to a large electric fireplace and a big fluffy rug. The kitchen is off of the living room, which on a normal occasion would be perfect to cook some proper meals. Then there is a beautiful wooden table in the dining room with dim lighting that would be perfect for a romantic meal. Dean cut off that dangerous train of thought before it went anywhere that made this situation even more complicated.

Speaking of complicated, Cas was no longer by Dean’s side. Frowning, he walked down the hallway that led towards the bathroom and bedroom. It was in the bedroom that he found Cas hovering in the doorway and oh.

Oh.

There was a king size bed in the center of the room with rose petals scattered over it. An ice bucket with a bottle of champagne rested in the center of the bed with a box of chocolate next to it.

“I’m going to kill him.”

Cas looked at Dean questioningly. “Who?”

“Sam. He told them it was our honeymoon! Then this happened.” He gestured at the array of items in the room.

“I see no problem with this behavior. They needed to know we were on our honeymoon for the sake of the case. And we got free champagne and sweets. Usually, you’re all about the free stuff.”

Dean sighed. “No, you’re right. It’s just – never mind. It’s late and I’ve been driving all day. Guess I’m tired.” Cas just nodded and set his bag down. “So, uh –” Dean started, rubbing his hand over his face. “Want me to take the couch tonight? We can switch off every night or something.”

“Dean,” He sighed. ”You said yourself that you’re getting too old to be sleeping on couches and pull outs. Hence, the memory foam in the bunker. Besides, we’re playing the role of a newlywed couple this weekend. We should probably keep up with appearances and not make it seem like we’re already sleeping in separate beds like unhappy middle-aged couples who are too stubborn to admit they need a divorce.”

Dean barked out a surprised laugh. He loves when Cas goes on his weird tangents. “Yeah, okay Cas. That bed is huge, so it shouldn’t be a problem anyway.”

Cas just nodded and began digging around in his duffel bag. Meanwhile, Dean removed the ice bucket with champagne from the bed and set it on the dresser. Then he brushed off as many rose petals as he could, determined to clear the bed of any romantic connotation. When he was satisfied, he began stripping out of his jeans and flannel. It was a long day of driving and his body was no longer accustomed to sitting for so long, so he was ready for bed at this point.

Dean stopped mid-action, catching sight of Cas doing the same. Cas removed his jeans and then lifted his shirt over his head. Dean swallowed, trying to

tear his eyes away from his best friend’s body but holy shit – Cas is toned. As he bent over to put his discarded clothes back in his bag, the muscles in his back and legs jumped out. His golden skin was completely on display and as a result Dean’s brain was short circuiting. Panicking, he grabbed his toothbrush and locked himself in the bathroom as an attempt to get his breathing and body back under control.

So much for uncomplicated.

[oh-writing-my-writing]

If they’d been gross before - this was taking it to a whole new level. Literally

Sam pinches his eyebrows together, nose scrunched in reaction to the ridiculosity unfolding in front of him. Too engrossed in himself - themselves - to notice Sam bitchfacing in their general direction, Dean stands with his hands on his hips, and Cas in his head. He’s staring himself down, in a very Dean kind of frustration - but his expression is clear enough to belong to a particular ex-immortal, kinda-sorta-angel of the Lord.

They’ve been talking within (heh.) themselves for ages.

“Jimmy felt healthier, Dean.” That’s undoubtedly Cas. Serious, grounded - somehow, tragic. “I must cure your -”

“- do not say cholesterol, or so help me -”

“Fine.” Cas, again - maybe Sam was imagining this, or maybe his voice really does come down half an octave. This way or that, Cas projects the word with the sort of insufferability that’s long been associated with Dean’s stubbornness. There’s a ponderous pause, like he’s not quite done yet. “But you’re bigger.”

It’s kind of amusing to see your brother choke on a simple, yet easily mislaid, ‘you’re bigger’, delivered in pointed deadpan, and your best friend’s dialect. Especially when it’s his own voice saying it. 

“I mean, there’s - Dean? - more space.” Cas stops abruptly. “Dean, what are you doing - ?”

Sam looks on curiously, as Dean thumps his chest to regain his breath.

“In what kind of a possession do you not feel me dying, Cas?” Dean throws back, obviously exaggerating because he’s stopped coughing. “What are you, detached?” He’s returned to the slightly irritated voice Sam’s matched with the man standing in front of him, for around thirty eight years now. 

“You’re not dying.” Cas informs him. (Himself?) “And I’m very attached.” As if to prove his point, Dean - Cas - brings his hand up to touch his own cheek. Grazing the skin, gentle, his fingertips trace along his jaw, all the way to his chin. 

It’s kind of weird to look at, but Dean’s own flustered face makes it more than worth it. 

“Shuddup. And dude - stop that.” Dean again. “The hell are you doing to my voice, anyway? What’s wrong with the way it is?”

“Nothing. I think it’s lovely.”

Cue the blush. Apparently, Dean still had control over the parts of his face prone to reddening when he was embarrassed. Though, paired with Cas’s naturally stoic demeanor, it made for a comical display.

“Then what’s up with the seven-cigarettes-before-breakfast voice? I’d thought that was a custom Jimmy thing.” 

Cas pauses. Or Dean does. Maybe both of them do, and Sam wonders if they’ve figured out how to talk inside their head - but because blessings are rare when you’re a Winchester, of course they haven’t.

“That - wasn’t on purpose.” Dean’s voice confesses, a little forlorn, and a lot more apologetic than Dean tends to go for. “Perhaps it’s my thing.” 

That makes sense. And honestly, makes it easier to tell them apart. Sure, they’ve spent enough time together for Sam to figure out who’s speaking, with the intonation of a single sentence if they’re arguing, but for the rest of the time? It’d be a lot more convenient. 

“Huh.”

“I’ll try to stop -”

“Dude. Forget about it.” Dean immediately cuts him off. Sam raises his eyebrows, knowingly, but neither of them are paying attention to him right now.  “Doesn’t hurt. I, uh. Just didn’t know it could go that low.”

Dean smiles, but in the absence of flashed teeth and gums, it’s closer to Cas’s reserved ones.

This was going to take some getting used to, even for Sam, and he was just the blissfully-ignored spectator. He knows Dean and Cas have their work cut out for them - and they were going to stumble into mishaps, and march straight into misunderstandings, but as they ultimately always did - they were going to come through.

Not to mention, some things were going to be hilarious. Eating, for example. Showers, Sam fleetingly thinks, wickedly. Or sleep - because Dean would need it, and Cas would remain wandering in his consciousness all night. When compared with the arguments over being watched when he sleeps? Sam knows Dean’s going to cause a ruckus.

But, end of the day? Sam figures that if they’re ever going to get a move on, he needs to step in.

“Dean - uh, Cas? Can we - ?” He clears his throat, tentatively. Tilts his head in the direction of the impala, and holds a hand out for the keys. “I could drive.”

Cas hands him the keys from Dean’s pocket, while Dean protests his indignance. “I’m driving -”

“I’m not sure where we’re at, motor-functions-wise. Hand-eye coordination isn’t all we need.” Cas returns, matter-of-factly. “Possession is easier. I’ve never shared a body before.”

“Well, guess what, smartass?” Dean throws back, and the thing which keeps happening, where Dean cuts himself off and proceeds to tell himself off, is not going to cease being amusing for a very long time. “Neither have I. Just - sit back, and enjoy the ride.”

“I can’t. I’m inside you.”

Dean starts to fluster again. Yeah, well, take the backseat in there!”

“Dean, there’s no backseat in you, unless you mean your -”

“Guys.” Sam breathes out, patiently. Dean looks up at him, with the magnitude of both their stares. “I’m all for communication, okay? But if we could all just wait until we’re in the car, so I can plug a goddamn aux in before you start discussing backseats - I mean, semantics -- which, just to be clear, I’m not judging, I’m just wanting an out - that’d be great.”

Dean seethes, pinkfaced, but he remains silent, and that’s clearly the most affirmation he’s getting from there. Cas is the one who directs a slow and understanding nod.

So Sam huffs out a short breath, and the three of them pile into their car, with just Sam in the front. He starts the engine, distractedly inserts one of Dean’s tapes in the deck, and decides to hum along to tune out the increasingly growing weird conversations in the back - for their sake, and at this point, also his own. 

Truly, if it had been obvious before? This was something else, entirely.

[namjoonknee]

It had been mere months since their final confrontation with Chuck, but in that time, everything had seemingly wound down. There was a finality about it, a change in the wind, that they had all felt. In the months since, for example, Castiel had been assigned the role of designated driver more and more, as Dean had given up any pretence of pride, allowing himself to be lolled to sleep sitting in shotgun. When he did take Baby out for a drive, Dean started singing again, wild and obnoxious and carefree. All the tension assuaged away, shoulders dropped, and pace slowed and most importantly, Castiel had seen far more smiles from the man in the past year than he had in the many years prior.

This was something else though. Castiel was acutely aware of the childhood that Dean had experienced, or lack thereof. It was safe to assume, then, that the idea of a birthday celebration let alone acknowledgement, must have been as obviously absent in Dean’s life as his father had been. Which is why, when Jack had brought the idea to him and Sam, they immediately assented. If there were any people who so desperately deserved recognition and honouring, it was the Winchester brothers.

Despite Dean insisting loudly and frequently that he didn’t want his birthday to be a ‘big deal’, his eager reception to any birthday related events violently indicated the contrary. Much of Dean was like this, and it seemed that everyone in his life was well aware of the façade, so it usually worked out fine. it had only a few months for Castiel to understand this about the man after all.

On the morning of the 24th of January Castiel had found Dean arisen early, sitting in the kitchen and smiling at his phone, aftereffects of facetiming Garth and the Fitzgerald IV’s. Jody had popped in later that morning, and whilst she could only stay for an hour, having a sheriff conference to attend, it was obvious that the effort was not lost on Dean. His giddiness was also particularly apparent when he received calls from both Krissy and Claire. None of the ‘old-man’ insults thrown his way weren’t contested at all, as Dean was apparently too wrapped up in his astonishment that they had even remembered his birthday.

His cheerful disposition persisted throughout the day, and Castiel soaked it up. Staring intently at Dean (more so than usual), Castiel tried to commit his smiles to memory, persisting even when Dean had laughingly told him to ‘quit it dude, you’re freaking me out’.

This was something that Castiel hadn’t even thought to pray for, most of that was spent on just making sure the man was breathing, safe and for once not in mortal peril. Seeing Dean beam was a sucker punch to Castiel’s heart. He had been in love with Dean for so long but seeing him this happy was overwhelming. Castiel had no doubt that he had fallen, he couldn’t imagine being able to deal with the extent of his feelings a hundred years ago, let alone a millennium. He really wouldn’t have known what to do with himself. Honestly, Castiel was having a hard time keeping it together, as it were. Being an angel of the lord for longer than the existence of the Earth gave him good practise though. So, if Castiel was completely overcome with adoration, no one was the wiser.

In any case, the birthday festivities had gone wonderfully. Most of the appropriate customs had been observed, at least in Winchester fashion, which meant the substitution of cake with pie and singing with Dean’s threat that ‘if anyone so much as starts singing you won’t get any pie, got it’.

The roast dinner Jody had brought over in the morning, warmed from the oven, was sprawled out on the map room table and passed around amongst the group. Jack had bought Dean a cowboy hat keychain, which he promptly added to Baby’s keys, after pulling a delighted Jack in for a hug and ruffling his hair. Sam got the same treatment, expressing much less appreciation for it, when he slid Kurt Vonnegut’s Palm Sunday across the table towards Dean. Minutes later Dean was barking a laugh and professed his love for Eileen as he swept her up. She had produced a smuggled bottle of Midleton Very Rare, which they wasted no time pouring it out and pairing with Castiel’s cherry pie, the best pie in the country he had found. His week-long pilgrimage had been under the guise of ‘angel crap’. Thankfully, the mission was aided by his recent reacquisition of his grace, but it would have been worth it regardless, Castiel thought, as watching Dean scarf it down. When Dean emerged with whipped cream on the tip of his nose Castiel feel like it might have actually been his birthday instead.

Presently, they had just finished watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, the third in the marathon of cowboy movies that Dean had prepared, seemingly oblivious to the pointed albeit good natured eye roll from Sam and the bemused glances shared between Jack, Eileen and himself.

“Alright, I think I’m going to head in” Sam yawned and rose slowly.

Eileen followed suit, signing “Hope you enjoyed your birthday” to Dean who smiled softly at her and signed “thank you” back.

Castiel turned to regard the boy pressed to his side, but the steadily rise and fall of Jack’s chest and a trail of drool on the arm rest answered his question. Castiel reached over to tap Dean’s shoulder and jerked his head towards the sleeping boy. “I’ll take him up to his room” he spoke in a low voice, “when I come back, we can watch Tombstone if you’d like.”

Surely, I can count on him not being tired yet, Castiel thought, his entire plan had depended on it, on them being alone. He had waited weeks for Dean’s birthday to arrive, the timing was finally right, and Castiel had to make his move now.

Dean grinned broadly, “I’ll set it up.”

Castiel gathered Jack up and carried his son in-all-but-blood to his room. After tucking him in, Castiel made a pitstop in his own room. Reaching into his bedside drawer, Castiel retrieved the object that he’d been mulling over for weeks on end. The package was small and neatly wrapped in glossy paper. Castiel turned it over, weighing it in his palms. He had been restless for so long and yet, Castiel suddenly found himself unable to move. This is ridiculous, he thought, I am one of heaven’s fiercest warriors, I’ve averted apocalypses, faced gods and monsters alike and triumphed, I should not be scared of giving my friend a gift for his birthday. Taking a deep breath, Castiel made an attempt at summoning courage.

“Hey Cas, did you change your mind about Tombstone? I mean I know it’s not your favourite, but I’m telling you it’s not just guns and tuberculosis-”

“Dean!” Castiel jumped in alarm and juggled the present in his arms, in attempt to prevent the imminent destruction of his hopes and dreams. Composing himself, he turned to face his friend, who was stood in the open doorway.

“Hey buddy” Dean said slowly, taking in the scene with an amused smirk, “whatcha got there?”

It took a moment for Castiel’s thoughts to catch up with him and he realised, flushing, that there was nothing subtle about the way he had reacted and was continuing to react, his arms having forced themselves behind his back. Yeah, definitely the picture of an innocent man. Castiel scolded himself for his childishness, brought his hands back to his sides and sat himself down on the edge of his bed.

Dean planted himself down next to Castiel and looked at him expectantly.
“Here” Castiel said, not trusting himself to speak he thrust the package into Dean’s hands, hoping, no, praying that Dean would understand.

Castiel stared at the package in Dean’s hands and watched as Dean examined it. In his periphery he saw Dean stare back up at him in apparent curiosity. Okay, that’s fine, Castiel thought, this is absolutely fine. Upon realising that Castiel was not prepared to give him either a reaction or explanation, Dean returned his attention to the gift and began unwrapping it. Dean pried it open deftly but carefully ensuring that the packaging was not ripped. After what seemed to Castiel as an eternity, Dean unveiled the gift and Cas raised his face in time to watch the widening of Dean’s eyes and realisation dawning across his own face.

“Cas’ Top 13 Zepp Traxx” Dean read faintly and matched his gaze.

“It’s a sequel,” Castiel started, looking back down at his palms, “of sorts. The mixtape you gave me was so thoughtful, Dean. And so, I just-” he was cut off by a pair of strong arms pulling him in. Castiel let go of the breath he didn’t realise he was holding and folded his arms around Dean, resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder.

“Thanks Cas” Dean whispered.

“Happy Birthday Dean.”

.........................

There’s more to this story x

[deanstefillin]

idk what overcame me anyway here’s a destiel ficlet

There is a ferality about the way Dean cooks, sometimes, Cas notices, and it's often from or because of something that had happened in the night or in the early morning - often, both - that causes his emotions to stir the scrambling eggs in a way that doesn't so much stop them burning as to stop them cooking. Eventually, of course, they do, but that isn't to say it's not without a lack of trying.

Castiel observes all these things, as an angel who observed most of life is want to do, and Cas is particularly well suited to pick up the intricacies in which Dean holds himself and the minute changes in that position. Sometimes, it comes as a shock when Dean tells him 'I'm fine, Cas, jeez,' because it couldn't be more abundantly clear from the way Dean's throat bobs and his shoulders tense that things really aren't okay.

Like today, for example. Not only is Dean attacking the eggs, he's seemingly attacking the bread too, near furious when it pops up out just on the light side of done - Dean stares at the toaster as though it is personally out to get him - and once those particular cooking battles are completed, then comes the final brawl with bacon. It sizzles and pops and turns the air fatty, as though it couldn't be thick enough already.

Dean sits, blankly staring at the food in front of him - after quickly chastising himself for forgetting to heat up the plates - and begins the slow and deliberate process of fitting as much of his breakfast into his mouth as humanly (and angelically, Castiel hastens to add) possible.

But the truly most stark reason as to why Cas knows Dean's in a huff is that he hasn't said a word to him since he sat down. Of course, Dean immediately placed a hot cup of coffee in front of Cas (black, obviously) and, of course, Dean has made enough food for the two of them and the others in their little home under the Earth, but this was all done in silence. And not their usual kind of silence either - the one where a whole conversation was had between shared glances and the slight tilt of the head, where they seemingly understood everything the other had said despite no actual words passing between them. No, this silence was not like that. It was deliberate. It was a barrier.

Dean had only just finished his first mouthful, and Cas only just finished his coffee, when he decides that in fact this silence is so out of the ordinary, it must be made known.

'You're quiet today,' Cas says carefully, eyes still a little sullen from sleep, and a little sullen from concern too. Dean simply grunts in response before putting yet another remarkably large amount of food into his mouth. Cas can hear Dean’s jaw pop as it struggles with the load.

Soon enough he swallows hard, and Dean takes his own coffee (also black, but with a little sugar, but only Cas knows that) and gulps half of it down before resolutely returning to his plate of food.

At this point, Dean's noticed Cas' noticing and is trying to unnotice it as a ploy for Cas to do the same. This is a strategy that has never worked.

'I am going to keep asking until you tell me why you're in such a mood,' Cas says firmly, not condescendingly, but more knowingly.

Dean simply rolls his eyes, and continues to eat. Cas does the same.

He does eventually speak once all the pans and dishes are washed and dried and placed ever so carefully into their rightful spots.

'Had a bad dream,' Dean says, and he doesn't elaborate. He doesn't need to.

Cas just shrugs over to him, his best friend, his Dean, and puts a hand on his shoulder, seeing in his eyes the temporary wall he’d put up come down. They're back now, to that silence they both know, and they share their looks and their tilts and their soft touches and it expresses everything they need to. Dean visibly relaxes, and does so even more when he stretches himself out onto his sofa.

'I'm not gonna tell you what is was about, so don’t ask,' is what his body language says, as though his eyes weren't enough to tell him that too.

Cas does what he knows best to do. He puts on Star Trek and they sit and watch that together, and when Cas comes back with popcorn and more family, Dean's asleep again with a smile curling his lips. Calm.

[geektrashfan]

"This is it Sam, I can feel myself fading"

"DEAN YOU CAN'T--"

"After everything we've been through, I can't--"

"Dean after everything we've been through, everyone we lost, you can't leave me alone, not like this--

Jack, if you're listening, PLEASE, just one last miracle, one last time"

Sam can see his brother's eyes droop, the light going slowly.

Not like this. We faced worse, you can't go like this

"Jack ple--"

He wasnt expecting to be cut off by a flash of bright light--

So much for a blaze of glory- a fucking vamp mime got him.

Dean feels the black closing in, his heart slowing, and the cliched flashes of life. The last is a flash of the familiar trench coat--

"How is he doing?" Eileen signs while putting down the coffee.

"Could be better, but yea he's out of danger"

"I'm sorry Sam, if I had been with you on the hunt I could have helped, I could ha--"

"May be you would have been dying too. We are no longer Chuck's favourites so who knows what could have happened. And I cant afford to see you both like this"

With a soft smile, Eileen cups Sam's face with a look that tells him 'things are going to be okay now'

"Hey, I have a thought. What do you think about not going out there? We can set up a base, we have the bunker, handle logistics and research" and I can be like Bobby

"Do you think it'll work?"

"Why not? We both know a normal apple pie life isn't for us, at least not for the Winchesters. And Garth managed it well, has a wife and kids. May be he could give me pointers on how to go about doing it."

"Getting a wife and kids?"

"A middle ground somewhat, but yea..the wife thing too"

"I guess it doesnt hurt to try..both"

When he opened his eyes, Dean was expecting cookie-cutter heaven (or greeted by Rowena). What he didnt expect was being back in his bed in the bunker, with the soft hairy mess of Miracle at his feet.

"What memory is this now?"

"It's not a memory Dean"

The low gravelly voice snapped him fully awake. There he was, on a chair beside Dean's bed, blue tie, trench coat, messy hair and suit-back in full form.

"Cas--is that really you? Are you really here?"

"Yes it's me" Cas stares into the green eyes

"I regret not coming sooner, heaven needed me."

"Heaven? You went back to heaven but you didnt come home? So what, Jack being God means you're back to being a soldier?"

"That is--that isnt the case Dean. Jack is hands-off and he needed someone to be there, to set things up. The bomb, the empty--it threw everyone out, for quiet time. Angels are back and most of them werent adjusting well with new boss. It took some convincing, but finally there is a new order upstairs. I have been there, keeping the peace, with some close-knit people."

"Okay--wow. Reordering Heaven, what--what are the chang--you know what, I dont even want to be bothered. As long as those winged idiots stay in line and dont threaten your life--"

"I dont think they'll want to go against the boss' father"

Both chuckle at that..so it wasnt a dream, Jack really is God and Cas really is back, and Dean is free...

"There's something more Dean. I'm..I'm not an angel anymore...I am human."

It takes more than a second for Dean to register that..

"Cas" He tries for casual but the shaky voice gives it away, "you said something, right before--did you--how long have you felt this way?"

"A long time"

"And you still do?"

"Yes"

"Stay here then, with us, with me. This is your home after all"

"Of course"

"I guess I should see the sasquatch"

"I'll go get them"

Dean watched Cas move and felt a warmth spread across his chest. "Hey Cas, I love you too"

---------------------------------

"How you feeling?"

"Scared and nervous"

"Dude, you punched God"

"But this is different. This is committing my life to someone, sharing all the good and bad"

"You and me share all the good and bad"

"You know what I mean! But hey, I got you and Cas right here, the good-old-married-couple example"

"We've been together for a year, tops"

"Oh like I didnt suffer the CasDean UST for a decade"

"Whats that?"

"Nothing"

"May I have this dance?"

"Do you see anyone else lining up to dance with me?" Cas rolled his eyes, some things dont change after all

"Gotta say, seeing the big family together at a wedding is pretty great...wish mom and dad could see this"

"Well, they are watching over you, new heaven order and all"

"You know, Sam had this life planned, with Jess, before dad disappeared and all this craziness started. He got his happy life in some way or the other"

"And you didnt have it planned?"

"I thought I'd be dead by now, the way I had been living. Never thought I'd live to see grey hair"

"I like the grey"

And I like this, you and me happy together.

----------------------------------

"What if the baby doesn't like me?"

"He'll like you just fine"

"It's a nerd baby"

"Baby arent born nerds Dean. And besides, he's Sam's kid, no way he wont adore you"

"You think so?"

"Yeah"

May be Charlie is right. I mean Sam loves him, no reason the baby wouldn't.

Wow, his baby brother has a baby now, talk about time flying.

"How are they doing? Is everything fine at the hospital? Did the baby come yet? I got one of every toy."

Okay, Cas is definitely way way more anxious.

"Relax you people, if you're freaking out now, I have news for you...parenthood is hard" Jody chimes in

"It's not like we dont have any experience, Jack had his trouble period"

That earns a big laugh.

"Cas..Jack was a special kid, human kids are more trouble"

"Ohh"

Dean can get used to this. This soft domestic life, theres no picket fence but theres plenty love. He still occassionally thinks he doesnt deserve it, when he does, Cas is right by his side to kiss that worry away.

[loki-lover84]

Could Be Worse Part VIII

A/N It’s been over two months! I’m so sorry I was stressed about moving into university and literally lost track over everything so I’m settled now and should be more consistent unless I get crushed with course work. Also because it’s been so long I tried to make it worth the wait personally I think it’s adorable but yeah that could just be me, let me know what ya think any way you want. I am keeping my promise as I loved this idea I will finish this (I’ve never finished a series before but this one I’m determined to so when the time comes I hope you like the ending, I might do alternative ones because I still haven’t decided on which ending I want to do so let me know on that too) HOPE YA’LL ENJOY IT!!! ^_^ ^_^

I woke up sober and alone in the bed as all the memorise of last night flashed through my mind. FUCK! I made a pass at Dean and got completely rejected. “We’re not making the same mistake as last time” The hell did he mean by that, we-I got Y/d/n from that night! I thought he adored her, maybe now that he knows she’s his does he really see her as a mistake? NO. Dean isn’t that cruel, well at least he isn’t to Y/d/n.

He was saying I’m the mistake. My heart feels like it’s been ripped out of my chest then crushed in a vice. Why? Why does it hurt? Dean and I aren’t automatically together because we have a child together. Don’t get attached, Y/n it will only end in tears.

“MUMMY. Look what Daddy and I made!” Y/d/n cheered as she ran into the cabin Dean following closely behind. “It’s a Pulski Axe!” She grinned naively showing off her lighter miniature version of the weapon whilst cutely mispronouncing it.

“Sweetie you’re going to be really careful with that, it is very dangerous.” I explain as calmly as I can for our daughter’s sake, in my mind however Dean was already decapitated.

“Why don’t you carefully show Chuck?” Dean suggests, not realising he’d signed his own death warrant as his only hope skips happily out of the door in search of Chuck.

What the actual hell Dean! She’s three, a three year old shouldn’t have their own Pulaski Axe! Did you have one at her age?”

“No but things were different when I was three for example we weren’t living in the fucking apocalypse!” Dean argued back.

“Do you think she’ll be forced into a situation where no one is there to protect her?”

“I hope not, not again.”

“What do you mean, ‘again’?” I asked my voice wavering.

“When that Croat hoard attacked the pair of you in that abandoned building, you were about to pass out if it wasn’t for me the pair of you might not be here!” Dean snapped his feelings getting the best of him as frustrated tears welled in his eyes.

He was right, the whole reason we’re here is because he saved us.

“You’re right but, she’s three. I want her to have a childhood ya’know? Fun, impulsive, naïve days that everyone deserves.” I whimper realising this may never actually be a possibility for her.

Not fully certain that he should, Dean pulls me in for a hug and just holds me while I break in his arms. He lowers his head and rests it on top of my own squeezing me slightly tighter once I fist his jacket keeping him close to me.

“I know this isn’t ideal but it’s the unfortunate reality we’re living in.” Dean says his voice barely above a whisper.

“Thank you Dean.”

“For what?”

“Everything: sparing us the first time round, saving us the time after, taking care of us whilst we’re here and for making our daughter.” I smile through the tears as I nuzzle my face into his chest.

The moment was starting to feel nicer, I was more relaxed I was accepting that my daughter needed to be armed despite her infantile age.

“Dean, we need to talk!” The door to my hut was flung open and a woman yelling ruined the moment. “It’s important.”

I tried to pull away slightly to give the woman who I was able to identify as Jane the opportunity to talk to Dean about whatever but, Dean refused to release me and kept me close to him glaring at Jane.

“Now isn’t the time, if there was something truly urgent Cas or Chuck would be here, not you.” 

“I think we should discuss it in private.” Jane urged scowling at me.

This is my home I’m not leaving it! Who does she think she is barging in here?

“I trust Y/n and if it is truly an important situation shouldn’t everyone know?” Dean remarks.

“Fine! You want to know, I’m pregnant and it’s yours.” Jane say folding her arms and wearing a smug expression.

“Oh yeah well how can you be so sure it’s Dean’s?” I growl at her accusation of him being her unborn child’s father.

“What are you trying to say?” Jane snaps at me her stance shifting into a hostile one.

Oh shit, I didn’t actually mean it like that but, I am aware that she’s shacked up with a few other people since I’ve been here.

“Well you aren’t really one for keeping it to yourself.” Dean replies.

“The dates match up asshole and you weren’t protected that night.” Jane says her piercing blue eyes staying locked on my e/c ones as she cocks an eyebrow cockily.

I pull away from Dean slightly and I can tell that it disheartened him. In my defence though he slept with someone else unprotected, does he ever wrap up? I’m not sure I want to even consider the concepts of him being in other women bare.

“I wasn’t the only person you slept with the last time we did it.” Dean snaps, “ I don’t remember much of that night but I’m almost certain that I was wearing a condom.” He adds glancing at me as if to persuade me.

“Wow Dean you’re neglecting our baby before they’re even born!”

My mind was clouded I didn’t know who to trust, I wish I could trust Dean but from first hand experience I know he doesn’t always wear contraception on one night stands. Jane other than at this moment didn’t seem to have any issues with me unlike Dean’s ex conquests.

“If ya really want to know who the father is, maybe you should just go see Cas.” I think aloud as the pair look at me, Dean’s eyes hold an element of hope unlike Jane’s that holds panic and fear fully aware that her disrespectful attitude to their ‘leader’ can result in punishment.

“I think that’s a good idea. How about we go see him now?” Dean suggests challenging Jane.

“Fine yeah I don’t see why not.” Jane says with false confidence leading the way.

Dean encourages me to be there to find out the result just so I can hear the definitive truth in person. On the way over I see my baby swinging her little axe at a children’s training dummy with Chuck supervising, I’m filled with pride but also fear at the sight. I take a deep breath to calm myself this is her unfortunate reality but she’s going to prosper.

“She’ll be fine.” Dean whispers with a prideful look on his handsome face, as we walk into Cas’s hut.

“Ah Dean, Y/n and...Jane?” I stifle a laugh at the fact that Castiel didn’t know her name despite her being here much longer than me. “This is a surprise, now is it a pleasant one or not?”

“Y/n here says you should be able to tell me who the father of my baby is, I was pretty certain it’s Dean’s but he refuses to believe me.” Jane explains.

Cas studies her for a moment focusing his eyes on her, his arms folded as he approaches her for closer inspection.

“With good reason, he isn’t the father of your child Jake is.” Cas shrugged as Jane’s eyes widened and Dean scowled at her unnecessarily harshly in my opinion before she fled.

“She’s not getting out of this that easily, now I’ve got to think of a suitable consequence.” Dean grumbled to himself.

“Dean you’ve got to be careful what ya do, the pregnancy part was true.” I say.

“I wouldn’t care if she lost it!” Dean seethed filling me with an undeniable rage, how could he say that about someone’s child, this isn’t the Dean I’ve got to know.

“Dean! How could you! That’s-” I was midway through yelling at him when he cut me off.

“Jake, is the one that was nearly responsible for killing our daughter! He was driving that vehicle, he ignored your screams to stop. If he was okay with nearly killing our girl why shouldn’t I be okay with returning the favour!” Dean erupted his arms flailing frustratedly as he clued me in on this news.

“Okay... I understand why you feel that way now De but, that would make you worse than him and you aren’t. You’re a good man, with a big heart whether or not anyone else knows it, you’ve been through so much and heck you’re still going through so much yet, you still spare your time to be with me and our daughter even when you should be sleeping you choose to spend that time with us. You still clearly love your brother despite everything, you’re still here for Cas and you put everyone before you. So please, accept that you aren’t a monster and admit that you didn’t actually mean that.” I declare hoping he’d actually believe my words.

Dean didn’t say anything he just gazed at me for a moment before stepping closer to me, his large rough hand rested on my cheek making my heart flutter as my eyes fixed onto his stunning green ones. Dean tilted my head up slightly before leaning down and capturing my lips in a deep love filled passionate kiss our eyes fluttering closed, his other arm snaked around my waist pressing me firmly against his body as I kiss him back to the best of my ability and wrap my arms around his neck pulling him deeper to me. I got so lost in the kiss that I forgot that Castiel was still in the room with us. 

After a while we parted for oxygen but not only that but I was sort of losing my balance. An applause erupted from beside us and we turn to see Cas with a silly grin on his face, Chuck and our Y/d/n. When they can in I haven’t the faintest clue. I could feel my cheeks heat up as a rosy blush stained my cheeks, Dean just smirked and held me close to him.

“Does that mean mummy and daddy love each other?” Y/d/n asked the room innocently.

I knew my answer, I should think that Dean shared the same answer as me but part of me couldn’t help but doubt it.

“Yes, it does Sweetheart.” Dean replied after glancing down at me and turning to face her.

[440mxs-wife]

Test Results, Part 3

Pairing: Castiel x Reader

You awoke to find a pair of ocean blue eyes gazing in your direction. You smiled in return at the handsome face of Castiel, your boyfriend of five years. It had been almost a year since his grace was stolen from him, turning him into a human. Even though he lost his grace, it did nothing to diminish your feelings for Castiel. You were more than happy to share your heart and your bed with the one you love, whether he was an angel or a human.

"Good morning, Honeybee," he said in his husky morning voice.

"Good morning, my angel," you returned. You reached up with your left hand to caress his cheek. Castiel closed his eyes as he leaned into your touch then he kissed your palm. He rose up on his left elbow, while the back of his right hand gently grazed your face.

"So beautiful...." he whispered, just before he swiftly captured your lips with his in a fiery, passionate kiss. You felt the depth of his love behind it, along with a hunger you had not known before from Cas. Your fingers threaded their way through his raven black hair, massaging with your fingertips, earning a groan of appreciation from Cas.

You tilted your head back to expose your graceful neck to him. Cas dropped a trail of soft kisses across your neck, while he took nips at the skin here and there. One of those nibbles turned into more of a love bite at that sweet spot where your neck meets your collarbone. You gasped at the sensation, knowing he'd left a mark for all to see.

"Marking your territory, my love?" you teased.

"I merely want the world to know that you are mine, sweetheart," he grinned. "I love you."

"And I am yours, Castiel. Now and forever, yours and only yours," you replied. "I love you, too. Shall we wander into the kitchen to make some breakfast?" you asked.

"Hmm. I think I'd rather stay right here," Cas said huskily. "I can't wait for breakfast to be made, I'm too hungry now," he growled playfully and pulled the covers over both of you. Then he took you down the path of sweet discovery, giving and taking pleasure in each other.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A couple of months later, you were in the laundry room and had just finished moving clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. Suddenly, you felt the urge to run to the bathroom, where you proceeded to lose your breakfast. Castiel heard you getting sick, and once he found you, he rubbed your back and held your hair out of the way.

"Are you all right, Honeybee? Can I get you anything?" he asked in a worried tone.

"I'm fine, Cas. I think it was just something I ate. Let me get cleaned up, wash my face and brush my teeth. Then we can maybe watch a movie?" you suggested.

Cas drew you into his arms and kissed your forehead. "As you wish, sweetheart. I'll get you a washcloth to clean up, then I'll meet you in the living room," he promised. You nodded and gave him a lingering kiss on the cheek, which brought out his megawatt smile.

As you were patting your face dry, you started to wonder what could have caused you to get sick like that. It wasn't flu season, and you didn't think it was food poisoning. Wait a minute...., you thought as you did the math in your head. Oh no. You gripped the edges of the sink and checked your reflection in the mirror. What am I going to do? you wondered.

You slowly walked out to the living room area to where Castiel was sitting on the couch. He watched as you carefully sat next to him and leaned your head on his shoulder. He put an arm around you, drawing you close and kissed your forehead. "Is everything okay? You seem like you are still not feeling well," Cas remarked.

"Just a little tired I guess," you replied. As the movie played on, you found yourself less and less interested. Your thoughts kept drifting back to earlier when you were washing your face.

Cas noticed that your full attention wasn't on the movie. He paused it, which caused you to look up at his intense blue eyes. "I may not be able to read your mind anymore, but I have a feeling that there is something occupying your thoughts," he remarked.

You hesitated before answering. "Do you ever think about children? Having them, I mean?" you asked timidly.

This time it was Castiel's turn to hesitate. "Not really. I mean, I love children, they're a gift from my Father. But as an angel, if I were to have a child with a human, for example, it wouldn't be well-received. A nephilim has great power, and there are those who would not treat it kindly or want to kill it. I couldn't take that chance with the child or its mother. Why do you ask?" he finished.

"Only curious, Cas. Don't get me wrong, I love being together with you, just the two of us. But, I also have thoughts about being a mother as well," you added.

"Honeybee, you would make a wonderful mother, if and when that time comes," Cas assured you. He pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling him. Your arms went around his neck, to pull him closer to you. Your lips crashed together in a series of hot, fervent kisses, trying to leave no territory untouched.

Cas rested his head on the back of the couch, granting you access to his neck. You worked your way across to his collarbone, taking playful nibbles at his skin along the way. When you reached his sweet spot, you turned the nibble into a love bite, leaving your mark. You pulled back a little to see his lust-blown pupils, which fueled your desire.

Suddenly, Cas flipped you around so you were on your back on the couch. He inched up on the hem of your T-shirt, little by little, dropping sweet kisses on your lower torso. Your hands tangled in his hair, lost in the feel of his lips on your exposed skin. "Sweetheart," he murmured against your stomach. "Come fly with me," he whispered. You nodded and followed him to your room, where you continued what had begun in the living room. Good thing you remembered to lock the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A week had passed, and your bouts of nausea had not improved. You quietly made a doctor's appointment so that you would know once and for all if you were pregnant or not. You slipped out of bed early in the morning without waking Cas. You left a love note for him to see when he first woke up.

At the doctor's office, they drew a sample of your blood and sent it to the lab for testing. About an hour later, the results were confirmed. Pregnant. You thanked the doctor, then sort of stumbled your way out of his office and out to your car. As you sat behind the wheel, contemplating your next move, your phone rang. Caller ID said it was Sam, so you picked up.

Sam asked where you were, and he told you that you needed to get back to the bunker right away. He said that it had to do with Cas, so you said you'd be there as soon as you could. You hung up your phone and quickly headed for the highway to home. When you got there, you demanded to know where Cas was.

"He's gone," Dean replied.

"Gone?!? What do you mean gone??" you cried.

"His grace was found and an angel returned it to him, so he's back to being an angel now," Sam explained.

"The 'courier' angel said that Cas was urgently needed in Heaven to help settle the civil war going on up there. They didn't know how long he'd be gone, either. Cas tried desperately to get the angel to wait until he could say goodbye to you, but they wouldn't," Dean said. "Where were you, anyway?" he asked.

"I-I was at the doctor's office. My nausea wasn't getting any better, so I made an appointment. At least I know what's causing it, though," you answered.

"Well, what is it?" Sam asked.

"I'm pregnant," you whispered. "And Castiel is the father." You looked from Sam to Dean and back again, then burst into tears. Both men rushed to your side and engulfed you in a hug. They each whispered soothing words in your ear, telling you everything would be fine. They promised to be with you every step of the way.

Although you appreciated their kindness, the one you wanted by your side through all of this was currently unavailable. You didn't get to say goodbye to him before he went back to Heaven. He didn't even know that he was going to be a father.

You broke out of their hug a bit to face them. "You guys can't tell Cas. He's got too much going on up there, and he needs to focus. I don't want to give him anything more to worry about or have as a distraction. Please?"

Sam and Dean looked at each other in silent communication. "You have to tell him. At some point anyway," Sam gently pleaded.

"Yeah, pretty soon, you're not going to be able to hide that, no matter how big of a hoodie you wear," Dean chimed in. You shot him a dirty look, which effectively silenced any further comment from him about your body.

"Well, I won't be hunting anymore, that's for sure. I'll hang back here and do the research for you guys, which should keep me out of trouble," you reasoned.

"What should we do if we need to call Cas for help, and he asks where you are?" Sam wondered.

"You'll just have to tell him....I don't know, something. Say that I'm not feeling well, or I went to visit a sick friend, something like that. Unless you think I should go to Donna's or Jody's until the baby is born?" you asked.

"We'll just have to play it by ear for now. In the meantime, can we get you anything? Pickles and ice cream?" Dean teased.

"How about some egg rolls from my favorite place in town?" you asked hopefully.

"You got it, sweetheart. I'll go and get that, then some more beer too. For me and Sam, though. Be back in a little while," Dean said as he kissed your forehead.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A month or so later, you had your first sonogram. Sam went with you, and thus he got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. You both had tears in your eyes at hearing the heartbeat from this miracle of life, growing and developing inside you. When the lab tech left the room so you could get changed back into your regular clothes, Sam turned to you.

"Thank you so much. It was a privilege to be here for that. Even though I know you'd rather have had Cas here, I'm honored that you chose to share that with me," Sam declared.

"You're welcome, Sam. You're right, I do wish he was here, but I had one of my best friends by my side. Thank you for agreeing to do this with me," you replied.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next month wasn't quite so easy. Sam and Dean were on multiple hunts, sometimes back-to-back, so you had to go to your next doctor's appointment alone. You were kept busy with the research the boys needed, so that made time pass quickly.

Dean said that they had to call Cas in on a couple of cases, both for the extra manpower and for his healing capabilities. He said that Cas asked about you, and was genuinely disappointed that you hadn't come with them.

The civil war in Heaven was still going on, but Cas felt confident that it would be wrapped up soon. Cas asked the boys to tell you that he still loves you and can't wait to be with you again. Sam and Dean passed along the message and reminded you that you were going to have to tell Cas soon that he is going to be a father.

A couple of weeks later, you were in your chair, reading a book you had chosen from the library. Suddenly, you heard a whoosh of wings, and your beloved Castiel appeared. He wandered through the bunker, scanning for you. When his eyes locked onto yours, he ran towards you, reaching your position in three long strides. He cupped your face in both hands and drew you in for a long passion-filled kiss.

"Oh, Honeybee, how I have missed you. I couldn't stand to be away from you for one more minute. I love you so much," he gushed. "Is someone else here with you? I am detecting two heartbeats," he questioned. He looked down and saw that something about you had changed while he was gone. "Are you....is that....a baby?" he managed to ask.

You nodded, unable to speak at the moment. "I'm almost five months along now, Castiel. I'm so sorry that I wasn't here to say goodbye when you went back--" he cut you off.

"Whose baby is that?" he demanded.

"What?? Whose do you think it is?? Do you seriously not trust me to stay faithful to you, after everything we've been through?" you exclaimed.

He took a step closer to you, anger showing in his face. "Who is the father? Sam? Dean? Someone else?" he growled.

You looked him straight in the eye and said, "YOU are. This is your child. I got pregnant before you got your grace back, so this is a human baby not a nephilim. I can't believe this," you sobbed as you ran to your room.

Sam and Dean came down the spiral staircase in time to see you run off to your room in tears. They saw Cas sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. "Why didn't she tell me?" he wondered.

"Cas, buddy, she didn't find out for sure until the day you left to go back to Heaven," Dean explained. "She was at the doctor's office that day, getting a blood test for confirmation," he said.

"So, you and Sam have known? All this time? And didn't think to tell me?" Cas asked.

"I asked them not to," you replied. You walked over to the couch and sat down, but decided to keep your distance for the time being. "Cas, you were involved in a civil war up in Heaven. I knew you had a duty to fulfill. If I had told you that I was expecting your child, you wouldn't have been able to concentrate. You would have been too worried about me, which could have caused you to be distracted, then you could have been killed! I couldn't live with myself if that happened."

"You still should have found a way to tell me," Cas muttered. He swiftly rose from the couch. "I-I need to go somewhere and figure out what I'm going to do about all of this," he remarked.

"Cas, please don't go, you just got here! We can work this out together, just like we always have! I love you," you pleaded.

"I'm sorry," he replied and with a fluttering of wings, he was gone.

You sank onto the couch, too stunned to speak at first. Tears silently streamed down your cheeks as you realized that you may have just lost the love of your life, forever. In that moment, your heart broke a little more with the knowledge that your child may not get a chance to know its father. "Oh, Cas. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you. I don't want to raise our child alone. I love you so much. Please come home," you whispered.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Another month went by, and still no word from Castiel. You prayed to him every night, begging him to come home, but he never appeared. Finally, one night, you made one of the hardest decisions of your life. You stopped praying to Cas, because you had decided to let him go. You would raise your child without him, and hope that wherever he is, he's happy.

Castiel was wandering around the hallways in Heaven. To the other angels, he looked like a shadow of his former self. He had a near-full beard, his clothes needed washing and he could benefit from a long, hot shower. The other angels steered clear of Cas, rather than risk his wrath at the slightest mistake.

Gabriel knew that Cas wasn't himself, and it was because he was heartbroken over you. The light was gone from Cas' eyes, and Gabriel knew only you could put it back. He asked Cas what had happened with the two of you. Cas explained about your last meeting and finding out about the baby. He assured Gabriel that it was conceived during the time he was human, so no nephilim to worry about.

"So, why aren't you down there with her right now, taking care of her?" Gabe asked.

"She withheld important information from me! She knew about the baby on the day I got back here to Heaven, and by the time I found out, she was almost five months along. Sam and Dean knew the whole time but didn't tell me, because she told them not to," he retorted.

"And why do you think she did that?" Gabriel wondered.

"She said....it was because I was up here, trying to stop the civil war. She thought that knowing about the baby would be a distraction, that I would worry too much," Cas replied.

"Would she have been right? If so, then she made her decision to withhold the information out of her love for you. She couldn't bear to have something happen to you if you were too worried about her and the baby on Earth," Gabriel explained. "Question is, do you still love her?" he asked.

A dawn of understanding came over Castiel and a smile crept across his face. "Of course I do! I love her with all of my heart. She's carrying my child, and I want to be there for the both of them," Cas declared.

"Good answer! I hereby discharge you from your heavenly duties to be with your true love and your child," Gabriel replied. Just then, they both felt a rumbling, and lights flickered for a few moments.

"What happened?" Cas asked.

"Uh oh. You'd better get cleaned up fast, my brother. That rumbling you felt? That's what happens when your soulmate lets you go," he explained sadly.

Cas hung his head. "She's been praying to me ever since I left, but I was too busy being hurt, that I didn't go to her," he remarked. "Time for that is over now. I have things to do," Cas said with a determined look on his face.

"Go get her, Castiel. Go get your soulmate back," Gabriel said softly.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Okay, I think I've got everything. I'll only be gone at Ruthie's for a few days, for the baby shower and hanging out with her. If you guys need anything, though, just call me and I'll come back," you said.

"Will you get going?" Dean chuckled. "This is your first real vacation since who knows when. You deserve this, so go have fun. Hope you get lots of cool baby stuff at the shower. Don't worry, Sam and I will be fine, we can do our own research," Dean assured you.

Sam put your bags in the trunk of your 1968 Chevy Nova. You climbed into the driver's seat as best you could, given your current condition. "I'll call you when I get there. See you in a few days," you promised. Sam and Dean each leaned in through the window and kissed your forehead, then waved as you drove away.

When Sam and Dean returned from the garage, they saw Castiel standing by the map table. They exchanged glances between them and kept walking to the kitchen, not saying a word to Cas.

"Where is she? I need to see her," Cas pleaded.

Sam and Dean both ignored Cas for the moment, too focused on fixing themselves a snack and getting something to drink. "I know you both can hear me. Please, I need to know where she is. We have unfinished business between us," Cas remarked.

Dean was the first to speak. "You should've taken care of that a month ago," he seethed. "Do you know what it's been like for her ever since you left? She prayed to you every night, Cas, crying and begging you to come back. Every night. But you never came."

Dean continued. "Sam and I nearly had to force her to eat, so that she kept her strength up for herself and the baby. We went to her doctor's appointments with her. All stuff you should have been doing, had you been here. So, excuse us if we don't feel like telling you right now where she is. You've hurt her enough," Dean retorted.

"I realize that I didn't handle the situation very well when I first found out. And you're right, I should have worked this out with her long ago. I'm here now, though, and I need your help. One thing I have to know, though," he gulped. "Does she still love me?" Cas asked in a small voice.

Sam and Dean looked at each other in silent communication. "Of course she does, Cas. You know she's not one to hold a grudge. But, you have to know, she's been hurt pretty deep. It's going to take something huge on your part to win back her heart," Sam explained.

Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, black velvet box. "I found this at a place that sells vintage jewelry. Do you think she will like it?" Cas asked.

The boys examined the contents. They both gave a low whistle in appreciation. "Cas, that's beautiful. Does this mean what I think it means?" Dean asked.

Cas grinned and nodded his head. "Will you help me? Please. I need her back in my life. I'm lost without her, and I want my child to know who his father is," he pleaded.

After a few agonizing seconds of exchanged glances, Sam and Dean nodded to signal that they were on board. "Okay, here's what we do," Dean grinned and rubbed his hands together conspiratorially.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Boys? I'm home! Can someone give me a hand with my bags?" you shouted but were greeted with silence. "You know, they can help me take them out to the car, but bringing them back in? Must be too much to ask," you grumbled aloud. "Guys? Where are you and why aren't the lights on?" you asked.

At that moment, the main part of the bunker was awash in twinkling fairy lights. Rose petals were strewn about on every flat surface. You heard soft music playing in the background as you slowly descended the stairs, leaving your bags for later.

You picked up a few rose petals and brought them to your nose to inhale their scent. As you put them down, the voice that you had been longing to hear for the past month broke the silence.

"Hello, Honeybee," Castiel said softly.

"Cas?" you whispered. "Is it really you? Where have you been?" you asked, your voice thick with emotion.

"It really is me, and I've been....hiding up in Heaven, I guess you'd say. I had some things to sort out in my head, things about us, and the baby. But by the time I finished doing that, I thought I'd been gone too long to come back. That maybe you wouldn't want me anymore."

Cas continued. "Sweetheart, I am so sorry for all the hurt I caused you by not coming home to you sooner. I hope you can find it in your heart to someday forgive me. I want us to be together, a family with you, me and the baby. I am lost without you, and I want our son to know his father. I love you with all of my heart," Cas finished.

As Castiel was giving his speech, he was slowly walking towards you, until he was standing directly in front of you. He could see the tracks of your tears, which he wiped away with his thumb. You closed your eyes and leaned into his touch, having missed it for so long.

"Cas....I've missed you so much. I prayed to you every night, but you never came. I thought that you didn't love me anymore, so I thought my only option was to let you go. I did that so that you would have a chance at happiness, even if it was with someone else," you explained.

"Honeybee, the only woman who has and will ever make me happy is you. In fact," he knelt down on one knee and withdrew the velvet box from his trench coat. "I have loved you from the moment I met you. You are kind, generous, funny and smart. Your outer beauty is only surpassed by your inner beauty. I can only hope to make you as happy as you have made me by being in my life. Will you marry me?" Cas asked.

He opened the box to reveal a simple yet gorgeous vintage engagement ring. Overcome by emotion and unable to speak for a few moments, you nodded your acceptance. "Yes! Yes, of course I will marry you! I love you, Castiel," you replied.

Cas took you in his arms and embraced you as carefully as he could, given the stage of your pregnancy. "Oh!" you felt a flutter in your belly that can only be described as your baby kicking. You placed Cas' hand on your stomach, just in time for the baby to kick again. A soft look of wonder crossed his face as a tear slipped down. "He knows who his daddy is, Cas," you explained.

He leaned down and kissed your belly. "Hello, little one. I'm your daddy. And even though we haven't met yet, I already know that I love you and would do anything for you." He turned to you with love shining in his eyes. "Thank you. You are my everything and I love you so much," he finished.

"I love you too, Castiel. Welcome home, my angel," you replied softly.

[mila-dans]

Symphony of Sadness & Chorus of Pain

Hi, everyone! This is most definitely a different change of pace and tone when compared to my normal writing. I wrote this one for me and whoever else needs it. This 7000 word piece of work deals with some very real and dark issues in a very supernatural way. Its got depression, attempted suicide, and a whole lot of self deprecation. This is a reader insert so if you dare read this, be warned that it is very dark. It does have what I would call a happy ending though. 

Please realize that if you ever find yourself suffering from types of issues like this, know that you are not alone. Seek help. You have friends around you. I am here for you if you need it. I’m not the strongest but I will share my strength with you. 

This was written for me to read when I am feeling down and I hope the same can go for you. :)

It wasn’t okay. You were not okay. This was it. This was the end. Your end. The grand finale of your life. You were going to die all alone. Suffer alone. The most ironic thing is the fact that no one knows. No one knows how you feel. You can’t even describe the feeling if you could. The feeling of destruction. The last straw falling. The final structure crumpling right before you. This was the end of your life. Now, it is time for you to die.

_____________________

Before the end…

You and the Winchester brothers had just taken down a couple of witches who were wreaking havoc on any man who caused them any sort of suffering. And apparently, a lot of men caused them pain. As opposed to most regular hunts, you were the lead on this one. Couldn’t have the boys ending up hexed like the other men who you all found dead in the basement. 

“Gruesome,” Dean described it as the three of you got back into the Impala. “Burn witch, burn.” Dean started the ignition as you all watched in awe as the house went up in flames. It was the best way to put an end to, well, all of it. 

“You alright, Y/n?” Sam asked, turning around in the seat to face you. He was referring to when you got knocked out by the witch. You hadn’t thought anything about it. It wasn’t a fatal blow. All that happened is that when you confronted the witches while the boys were investigating other parts of the house, they simply blasted you and caused you to become unconscious. Lucky you, you happened to awake right as the fighting started.

“I’m fine,” you said with a smile.

“You sure?” Dean furthered. “Like no love spell or webbed feet or anything like that?” You chuckled a  bit.

“No.” You smiled. “No love spell, no webbed feet, no to anything other than a headache.” Sam smirked at you as he turned back around, grabbing a bottle of aspirin from the glovebox and throwing it in your hands. “Thank you,” you said as you shook the bottle and popped a tablet in your mouth. 

They were most definitely not fast acting. Your head felt as if a bulldozer, you know, dozed it. Funny. It didn’t hurt in any one place specifically. It just hurt all over. Your mind felt fried too. You weren’t going to worry the boys or anything though by telling them how you really felt. 

They had enough going on. It always seemed to be some boss battle that was bigger and more bad than the last. The pressure of saving the world was always on them. When was it going to end? When were you all going to die by some vamp or ghoul or in Dean’s case, bacon? The work never stopped. It never ceased. It always seemed to be a never ending cycle of pain, torture, death, repeat. 

You were set aback by your more angsty and depressing thoughts. You usually pushed those away when you were with the boys. It had been a while since you let anything slip out of your mind vault like that. Truth is, you all had your demons. Sam and Dean really had theirs though. Even Cas. To think that yours were even as close to being as bad as theirs was just one big laughing matter. You had never talked about your small and miniscule problems with them.

What was the point? Sure you suffered from bad things but it couldn’t even pale in comparison when it came to your family’s. They had it so much worse than you. Dean was in hell. Literal hell. He suffered for thirty years and then tortured people for ten. That was horrible. The weight of the burdens that he carried was unbearable. Trying to wake up in the morning was a struggle every day for him. That was just the tip of the iceberg.

You shut your eyes for a moment trying to prevent any more dark thoughts to enter your mind. You tried to focus on the rock music that was playing on the radio. It was Bob Seger, your favorite. As a way to get further from the unusual thoughts, you decided to sing along with the lyrics of “Old Time Rock and Roll.”

“Just take those old records off the shelf!” You belted out from the backseat as you reached over to turn up the volume.

“I’ll sit and listen to ‘em by myself!” Dean sang. The two of you smiled as you turned to the disappointed Sammy who was clearly not getting into the song.

“Today's music ain't got the same soul!” You continued to sing as you hit Sam on the shoulder making him smile just a little.

“I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll!” Dean followed. “Come on, Sammy!” Dean shouted as the two of you faced the reluctant Grinch. Sam rolled his eyes at the both of you.

“Don’t try to take me to the disco!” Sam sang.

“Yeah, Sammy!” Dean smiled.

“You’ll never even get me out on the floor!” Sam sang again.

“In ten minutes I’ll be late for the door!” You added. “I like that old time rock ‘n’ roll!”

“Still like that old time rock ‘n’ roll!” The three of you sang all together. “That kind of music just soothes the soul! I reminisce about the days of old. With that old time rock ‘n’ roll!”

The trio of you and the brothers continued to sing all the way back to the bunker. It was amazing. It was really great to feel happy again. You hadn't in so long. You would’ve labeled it as depression but you knew that it wasn’t even worth some actual medical exam to say what’s wrong with you. It was nothing. Even if it was depression, you had no right to complain about it. You had no right to say that you needed help when countless other people needed help too. It didn’t matter. You didn’t matter.

You tried to focus on singing with Sam and Dean but the bad thoughts you had couldn’t help but linger in the back of your mind.

This is stupid. I am stupid. I just need to go back to singing. I am with the people that I love most and I should be happy. I’m so happy. I am unbelievably happy.

You were upset that you couldn’t convince yourself with the reassurance of lies. Instead, you pushed the thoughts down. Deep, deep down. You just continued to sing with a false smile laced on your face, hoping to feel something. Hoping to feel happy. Hoping to feel anything.

________________

Do I matter? Am I worth the trouble of being here? Sam, Dean, and Castiel say that they love me but, do they really? Do they care or am I just a burden to them? Cas has had to take on so much in his life. You were for sure just some other person that he thought he’d have to protect. Have to save. He cared for the boys. He always has. He cared for humanity. Could they even classify you as human? You’ve done countless bad things. You’ve hurt your loved ones. Sure the boys were the best examples of people who make mistakes but they are heroes. They didn’t need to apologize. They saved the world. You might’ve helped but it didn’t matter. They were the faces, the faces wearing the capes with a symbol of hope plastered across their chest. You weren’t a sidekick. You weren’t even a part of the team.

“Hey! Y/n?” Sam called. “Are you alright?” You looked up to Sam as you got snapped out of your daze. You didn’t know how long you had been standing up in the kitchen with the pot of coffee in your hand. Weird.

“Yeah, sorry,” you replied as you set down the pot and regained your composure. You gave Sam a reassuring smile.

“You sure you’re alright, Y/n?” You nodded at the concerned Sam. “I mean, I don’t mean to press but you’ve been seeming like something’s been bothering you the past couple months.” You turn your head and give Sam an oblivious look.

“Have I?” You question as you start to fiddle with the coffee again.

“Yeah, you have,” Sam says slowly. You feel his worried gaze on you but you try to quickly change the subject.

“What did you need me for?” You take a deep breath before you turn back around to face the young Winchester to give a half hearted smile. Sam looks at you with the obvious worry on his face but shakes it off.

“I um, I was going to go on a supply run. Do you want to come?” he looks at you, suspicious of how you might respond. You give him a big smile as an attempt to throw him off.

“Yeah! Of course! Just let me get my jacket,” you say as you walk past him giving a reassuring pat on the back.

___________________

“Cas!” You called as you walked past him in his room. “You need anything from the store? Me and Sam are about to head out.” 

“No, I’m fine,” he responds. “Are you okay, Y/n?”

“On food?” You question playing clueless. 

“Not on food.” Cas walks up to you as you stand still in his doorway. “I mean, are you alright in the mental sense?”

“I’m great, Cas!” You lie with a smile. “I’m better than ever. My head hurts just a little from getting knocked out earlier though. But other than that, tip top shape.” You nod your head once more as Cas looks at you with yet another concerned face.

“I could try and see what’s the problem in your head if you’d like?” Cas asks as he starts to put his hand towards your head. You take a fast step away, clearly giving him more reason for worry.

“No, no. I’m fine. I mean, it’s fine,” you clarify. You try to ignore the worrisome look that covers his face. “I’m gonna go,” you say with a smile as you walk away. “Bye!”

Stupid. He could’ve helped you. He could’ve seen what was going on in your head and tried to help take the pain away.

You tried to push away the thoughts as you continued your walk down the hallway.

If he helped, he would’ve seen it all. He would've seen the fear, the worry, the anxiety. He would’ve seen every single one of your little, measly, insignificant problems. It would be a waste of his time to sort through all your overdramatic issues. How could you even know that he wouldn’t just judge you right there on the spot or end up leaving you like the rest of them? I mean, everyone that you have opened up to has left you or worse. All your old friends stopped talking to you cold turkey just when you thought you could trust them. That was your fault though. They trusted you and needed you and even though you helped them, you couldn’t be honest. Of course they left you. Everyone always leaves you and it’s all your fault.

___________________

You sat in the car with your head leaned against the window. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. They were getting worse. You kept trying to push them down like you always have but it didn’t work. Nothing worked.

“Y/n!” Sam called as he lightly hit your shoulder. You turned towards him confused. “I’ve been calling your name for a minute.”

“Oh,” you say as you sit up. This isn’t good.

“You can talk to me, Y/n,” Sam says. You just continue to stare down at the ground and start to feel one of your old battle wounds on your wrist.

“About what?” You ask trying to play it off, unsuccessfully.

“About whatever is bothering you!” Sam’s tone starts to rise as he gets frustrated with your playing dumb act. “We all know that something is going on with you. You don’t even have to hide it. Sometimes you don’t even try to anymore. We are worried about you, Y/n. All of us. We thought that maybe you were just down in the dumps and would ask for help if you needed it but you haven’t.

…

…

Y/n!” Sam shouts as you suddenly snap out of your daze. “Will you stop that?!” You face him with true confusion. He points at your wrist. “You’re making yourself bleed!” You look down at your wrist as you notice how you’ve completely reopened the wound causing blood to go all over your pants.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You weren’t even listening to Sam. Now look at what you’ve done!

“I’m sorry--I’m so sorry!” You mumble out as you quickly wipe the blood that has stained a spot on the seat.

“Y/n?” Sam questions with a softer tone as you look up at him with watery eyes. “Why are you sorry?”

“I--I--I just am,” you try to say. You quickly ball up all the tissues and put them in your pocket, trying to reassure yourself that it never happened. You look back up at Sam and see the concern on his face. You try to form words to change the topic at hand but fall short of excuses.

“Y/n, please,” Sam says sincerely, “Please just talk to me. Just let me in. Let Dean or--or even Cas in. Just talk to one of us. Please.” You look down at the ground again as you try to press your nails into the palm of your hands in order to distribute the pain somewhere else. “Y/n,” Sam says as he moves his hand onto yours, opening it up. “Stop it, please.”

“No!” You shout as you throw his hand to the side. “I’m fine! I’m perfectly fine! You and Dean and Castiel just need to mind your own damn business! Now quit asking if I’m okay, or if I'm alright, or what’s wrong with me! Nothing is wrong, got it?!” You take a deep breath and fall back into your seat as you wipe the tears that had escaped your eyes. You can feel the tension in the car in between you and Sam as you go back to staring out the window.

You stupid idiot! You completely ruined everything! This was your chance at asking for help and you blew it! Now you’re never gonna get that chance again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Sam probably wouldn’t have even listened to you in the first place. He had been tortured by the devil. He had been to the worst part of hell. Do you think he had time to listen to you whine about your emotions? Do you think he actually even cared? He was your family. He had to ask about you. He was designated to do so. It is just him trying to be kind. As if he could ever care about you. As if anyone could ever care about you.

__________________

You slammed the door shut as you stepped out of the car. You raced inside the grocery store as Sam called out your name. You didn’t even bother to look back or respond. All you did was search for the bathroom as soon as you walked inside.

The further you made your way into the store, the worse your thoughts got. It was different though. It felt as if they weren’t just yours.

What is happening to me?! Why can’t these thoughts just go away?! Please, just go away!

You put the toilet seat lid down as you sat on it, placing your hands on your face as you started to sob. You felt so broken, so busted inside. You felt so much pain. So much emotion. You just wanted it to end. You just wanted it to stop.

“Honey?” A voice called from outside the shut stall door. “Are you alright?” You started to sniff as the thoughts died down just enough to understand the complete stranger who was worrying about you. You wiped the tears and opened the door.

“I’m fine, Mamn,” you said as you gave a smile to the elder lady. She smiled back at you. She seemed kind and nice. A complete stranger. You always thought that it was easier to tell a stranger secrets about yourself than someone who you knew and trusted. “Stranger’s security,” you called it.

“What’s the matter, Dear?” She asked again as her smile made you giggle a little.

“I’m just overwhelmed,” you admitted. You stood up and walked out of the stall to face her. “I just don’t know what to do.” She took your hand and immediately, you began to think the worst.

She doesn’t care about you! Don’t put your burdens on her! Don’t bother her! You are being selfish if you think for just one minute that it’s okay to open up. Think of how as soon as you admit how you feel to her, she’s just gonna make your heart break even more when you realize it’s just charity. It means nothing to her. You mean nothing to her!

“I’m sorry!” You say as you remove her hand from yours and start to head for the door. “I’m so sorry!” Once outside of the bathroom, you begin to feel completely out of sorts as you see the crowds of people staring at you as tears stream down your bright red face. “I--I…” You duck through the rows of people as you race back to the car. You open the door to the backseat and jump inside, locking yourself in as quickly as possible.

Your thoughts become so overwhelming that you are unable to follow any thread of ideas or worries. It’s all one big mess of problems and fear, as the walls in your head collapse in on itself. It was all you. It was all falling on you. You had no idea what was going on or why this was happening. You couldn't even think straight. You could only close your eyes and be engulfed into the sadness and pain.

____________________

You heard the car door open, drawing your attention away from your abundance of overwhelming thoughts. You look up to see Sam get into the car and turn to see you. You were clueless to see how much of a wreck you looked like but you didn’t have to know. The expression on his face said it all. He started to open his mouth to probably try to console or comfort you.

“No, Sam,” you said, stopping any words before they left his mouth. “Please just take me home,” you requested as you slowly turned back into facing the seat, feeling the darkness pull you closer to it.

You are worthless. You are nothing. Look at Sam. You think you have problems? Sam has spent his whole life living in fear. Living with truly overwhelming problems. He has to stay alive so that he can be there for Dean. Be there for Cas. He can’t choose to die, to give up. He doesn’t have the option. People need him. People rely on him. He has a brother and a best friend who loves him. He carries the world on his shoulders and never, ever gets a break.

You once again become caught up in your empathetic thoughts. Your mindset was in complete chaos. For some reason, you couldn’t just think about you, you thought about everyone else and all their problems. It’s as if you could feel whatever they were feeling and think whatever they had thoughts. Impossible. 

____________________

You sat on your bed as you stared at the plate of food that was set before you. You couldn’t eat. You didn’t want to eat. It’s not like you wanted to starve, it’s just, you didn’t care. You didn’t care if you were hungry or if you had to eat. It didn’t matter. You didn’t matter.

“Y/n,” Dean calls out as he opens your door and walks inside. You were out of it, again, not even noticing his knock. He takes a seat on your bed as he puts the plate of food on your nightstand. “Not eating?” He asks.

“Not hungry,” you respond. You would try to give a false smile but you are unable to do even that. He looks at you, clearly trying to read your face. You just pulled up your knees close to your body, wrapping your arms around them

“Sam told me what happened, Y/n,” Dean says. “What’s going on?” You can hear the care and concern in your voice. If anyone knew about demons it would be Dean. He was one after all.

Sure, tell Dean what’s bothering you. Have him laugh in your face when you rant and bitch about all your little problems. It’s not like he’s ever able to. He has to hide all of his problems. He has to haul them all up and lock them down, never getting to deal. He can’t deal. There is never a single second in the day that he has to relax or has to calm down. Sam always says that he can talk to him but putting his burdens on Sammy wasn’t right. They were his burdens. All his. It was up to him to carry everyone else. It was all on him. He had the weight of the world in one hand and the weight of everyone else in his other. He didn’t have time to care or worry about himself. It would be pathetic to ask for help. Childish to need someone to lean on.

“Y/n!” Dean shouts. You open your eyes as you take notice of Dean’s hand on your shoulder. You swat it away and stand up from the bed.

“Get out of here, Dean! Leave me alone!” You shout. Dean gets up quickly as you push him out the door. 

“Y/n! Whatever is goi--” You shut the door on Dean and lock it before he has a chance to finish his words.

You slump down with your back against the door, falling onto the ground. The floor was freezing against the back of your legs. You didn’t care. It didn’t matter. You didn’t matter. You were nothing. You are nothing.

_________________

These men save the world. You save nothing. You aren’t worth saving. Most of the people that they save aren’t worth it. But you? You are at the bottom of the barrel. How you have made it this far in life is perplexing. You should be dead. 

You laid in bed as the thoughts and feelings kept you awake. You couldn’t move. You could barely breathe. These thoughts, they weren’t just yours. They were Sam’s thoughts. Dean’s thoughts. Cas’s thoughts. You were being clouded by their emotions. It was a mix of all of their pain and all of yours.

He rebelled against his family, against his home, and for what? So that he could watch everyone that he loved fail?

What did he do when he wasn’t in control? Who was having to clean up his trail of messes? 

It was all on him. Everything was on him. It was his fault that they died. Hasn’t it always been?

Death. It was his fault. It was all their fault. It was all your fault. Worthless. Stupid. All on him. It was all caused by you. The world would be better off without you. He meant nothing. You were nothing. Die. Die! Die! Die! Die!

“No!” You screamed at the top of your lungs. “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” You screeched as you shattered the plate of glass on the floor, cutting your hand, causing so much more pain. You continued to yell for the thoughts to leave your head. 

“Y/n! Stop it!” Sam yelled as he kicked in your door. You struggled to breath as the dark thoughts consumed you.

Worthless. Nothing. Piece of trash. Nothing. You should be dead. 

“No!” You continued to scream. Dean tried to walk closer to you but you swatted him away. “Don’t touch me!” You screamed at the boys.

“Cas! Do something!” Dean demanded. The angel walked closer to you but you knew that if he touched you, if anyone touched you, if anyone tried to help, it was all over.

“Don’t!” You shouted as you reached for the angel blade and immediately all the hands went up in defense. Castiel backed away as you walked slowly towards the door.

“Y/n,” Sam tried to say, walking closer to you. “Please, put the weapon down.”

“You don't’ underst--shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” The thoughts continued to pound in on your head. You didn’t even notice the tears streaming down your face or the ones that the boys had. You just continued to try and stop the thoughts, the voices, the feelings and emotions. You raced down the halls and out the door as quick as possible.

“Stop it!” You mumbled as you found a clearing behind a tree in a small wooded area behind the bunker. The thoughts wouldn’t stop. But now, now they were all yours. Just yours.

You are nothing! You are less than nothing! You deserve to die! You deserve to go to hell! It’s where you belong! You’ve done wrong, you’ve done bad! There is no saving you! There is no point! You should just die! There is no point in a maggot like you taking up space in a world that is far too good for you! Just die! You already cause so much death around you, why don’t you just end it?! Just do it. Just die! You are nothing. You are useless. You are worthless! You are unimportant! You are hated! You are stupid! Self-centered! Idiotic! You are dead!

It wasn’t okay. You were not okay. This was it. This was the end. Your end. The grand finale of your life. You were going to die all alone. Suffer alone. The most ironic thing is the fact that no one knows. No one knows how you feel. You can’t even describe the feeling if you could. The feeling of destruction. The last straw falling. The final structure crumpling right before you. This was the end of your life. Now, it is time for you to die.

You feel the emotions clouding your judgement. You see the angel blade. There is no stopping it. This was the way. The way to stop the thoughts. This was it. Your hand trembles, tears fall.

NOTHING! WORTHLESS! MEANINGLESS! STUPID! YOU ARE--

You take a deep breath and open your eyes. The angel blade falls from your hand.

“They stopped,” you whisper. The voices have all stopped. You wipe your eyes and stand. Your headache leaves. It’s all gone. You weren’t dead. You didn’t know what you were or what happened. You still feel the pain but it was just yours. It was only the pain that you’ve carried for years. The pain that you can handle. You still have tears fall down your face but it’s not as bad as it was.

You walk back to the bunker and open the door. You slowly walk down the stairs as you see Sam, Dean, and Castiel run towards you. When you make it to the last step, you give a smile their way and then collapse to the floor.

“Y/n!” Dean shouts as he rushes to your side. You just continue to smile, unable to see them through your watery eyes. Sam puts his arms underneath you as he scoops you into his arms.

“It’s okay,” Sam says as he carries your body into the infirmary. “It’s okay.” He lays you down on the bed as you just shrivel up into a little ball. You hear them talk amongst themselves but unable to make out what is said. You see your trench coated companion walk close to you as he lays his hand on your head. Sam takes a seat in a chair facing you and Dean sits by your feet on the bed. Dean places his hand on your leg, trying to comfort you and Sam takes your hand, doing the same. Castiel removes his hand from your head as you begin to close your eyes.

“Y/n,” Castiel starts to say. You can hear the shock in his tone. Whatever it was, he was lost for words. 

“What is it?” Dean asks. You shut your eyes tight as you hear the three of them walk out of the room.

You try to sit up in the bed and manage to wipe the tears from your eyes. Fully able to see, you watch the boys walk back into the room. 

“What?” You ask quietly as you see the amazed expressions on their face. Dean rushes over to you and wraps his arms around you. The second he lets go, Sam comes to your side to do the same. You feel their arms around you and feel pure joy and love for just a moment. Once the two of them go back to their positions by your side, Castiel pulls up a chair next to Sam. Worrisome thoughts fill your head again. “What’s going on? What happened?” You ask as tears stream down their faces causing you to cry from just feeling the sadness radiating off of them. “Please tell me what I did. What?”

“You--uh,” Dean starts to say as he looks at you with tears continuously falling down from his eyes. “How did you do that?” He says with an exasperated breath.

“What? What did I do?!” You question, shifting in the bed as you can’t help but be filled with concern. 

“The witch hexed you, Y/n,” Cas says. You notice the tears coming from him as well. 

“Wh--what did she hex me with? Wh--what?” You look in all the boys’ eyes as you become overwhelmed with the sight before you.

“She cursed you,” Sam pauses as he takes a breath and clears his throat, “She cursed you to feel everyone’s pain.” All of the boys look at you as if you should be dead. You realize that that is exactly what they must be thinking.

“How did you do that?” Dean asks again.

“Do what?” You ask in return. You take a deep breath and look down at your wrist to the wound. “What do you mean she cursed me to feel everyone’s pain?” You look back up to Sam in search of an answer.

“It’s what killed all those men,” Sam states.

“What do you mean?” You again ask.

“The witches,” Cas starts to explain, “They killed all those men by hexing them to feel the pain of those around them. They all died because of suicide or because of a fatal panic attack. Y/n, you got put under the same spell.”

“If--if I did,” you start to say, “Then how am I alive?” You look at the boy’s lost expressions on their faces.

“The spell wore off after twenty-four hours but, Y/n,” Cas says, concerned, “You are the only person who has ever survived it. You are the only one who has ever lived through it and made it out alive.” You think for a moment about what he just said. It made sense. All the thoughts that you were feeling weren’t just your own.

“You felt all of our pain,” Sam says.

“How did you do that?” Dean asks. You look in their eyes, realizing that even they couldn’t take their own pain most of the time. 

“You took all of our pain and felt it for yourself, Y/n,” Cas says.

“How did you do that?” Dean again asks. You laugh and smile a little.

“That’s the fourth time you’ve asked that Dean,” you say with a smile. He just looks at you in awe. “The truth is, today just felt like a really bad day. I have dealt with that pain, my pain, all my life.”

“But--but that was our pain too,” Sam says. “You felt all of our pain. You felt hell? Lucifer?” Sam asks and you nod. “And that isn’t bad to you?!”

“I always thought that my problems were nothing compared to yours, all of yours. You’ve all been through so much that I’ve always hid my problems. Today, it just felt as if those problems and feelings broke out.” You wipe the tears away from your face and muster up another smile.

“You deal with pain like that every day?” Dean asks.

“Basically.”

“Why haven’t you told us?” Castiel asks.

“Why didn’t you ask for help?” Sam questions.

“Because it’s my burdens, my pain, not yours. And I figured that I had already wasted my chances in asking for help,” you answer. “You all have done so much, been through so much, I have been through nothing. I am nothing. I am worthless even when being compared to your shadow.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Dean shouts. “Y/n, do you not realize that you have taken on all of our burdens, all of our fears, our pain, our emotions? You did all of that and are still here! You are the strongest person in the world! You are not worthless. You are amazing. You are beautiful and special and incredible!”

“You should never compare yourself to us,” Sam says.

“You can’t ever compare your problems to our pain,” Cas states. “There is no scale in the universe that can measure who has it worse or who has it better. Every single person has different pain tolerances, different perspectives. For you to be dealing with all of our collective pain and still think of it as a bad day, that is what I mean when I say pain is immeasurable.”

“Y/n, why on earth would you not tell us about what you’ve been dealing with?” Sam asks. You look at him and smile.

“I’ve wanted to,” you say. “I’ve wanted to for so long but I’m terrified.” You take a deep breath and wipe the tears from your face. Dean reaches up and takes your hand in his.

“Why?” Dean asks. “Why would you be afraid to tell us anything like that?”

“Because I can’t know if you’re real! I can’t know if you are just gonna be another person who says that they’re gonna be there for me then just disappear! I can’t go through that again. I’ve had my trust broken, shattered countless times that if I put myself through that again, I don’t know if I could take it.” Your voice starts to waiver as you begin to sob again. Sam scoots his chair closer to you as he wraps his arms around you. You lean your head on his shoulder as you feel Dean squeeze your hand tighter just as Sam hugs you tighter.

“It’s okay, Y/n,” Sam whispers in your ear. “It’s okay.”

“But I don't want to be a burden,” you state as you close your eyes as more tears fall onto Sam’s shoulder.

“You’re not a burden,” Castiel states. “I saw and felt your feelings, Y/n. You should never feel that way about yourself.” He reaches for your other hand and grabs it in his.

You remain in the clutches of all three of them. You are with your heroes. Dean has your hand, holding it in the both of his. Castiel holds your other hand, squeezing it in the most compassionate way possible. Sam keeps you in his arms as you place all of your weight onto him and continue to bury your head into his shoulder.

“You are not worthless,” Cas says. “You are not nothing. You are not stupid. You are not idiotic. You are not self-centered.”

“You are the furthest thing from it,” Dean adds. “You are amazing. You are incredible. You are worth so much. You are worth everything.”

“You are worth saving,” Sam says. “I don’t know what I would do if you died, Y/n. You are the person who makes me happy. You make all of us happy. You can always ask for help.” Sam releases you from his hug so he can look at you. You open your eyes and see the people who keep you going. The people who inspire you to be strong, stay strong. These people are your world. They are your everything and for them to say that you are theirs, that is the best compliment that you could ever get.

“Never, ever think anything but the truth about yourself,” Dean orders.

“But the truth is,” you say, “I don’t know if I can believe you all. I have been told by so many people who I love and look up to that I am stupid, manipulative, that I am nothing. Those thoughts and feelings of self depreciation are carved into my heart. Wired into my mainframe. Every time I try to be happy, every time I try to let go, I get a setback. I fall down.”

“Y/n, those people that you say thought bad of you,” Castiel starts to say, “They didn’t love you. They don’t deserve your love. They don’t deserve any part of you.”

“It doesn’t matter what they say or what you did or who you did it to,” Dean says, “Here, right now, it is us and it is you. And I promise that we love you. We love you so much, Y/n. We love you with your burdens and all.”

“And I promise,” Sam states, “That no matter how many setbacks you have, no matter how many times you feel depressed or down, I will always be there for you. We will all be there for you.”

“If you want a shoulder to cry on,” Dean says, “I’ve got two.”

“If you need someone to listen,” Castiel explains, “I have till the end of time to listen.” You start to sniffle and smile.

“That’s our girl,” Dean says as he brushes the hair away from your face.

“And if you ever need someone to talk to,” Sam smiles, “There is nothing that I would rather do than to be here for you.”

“Hey! That rhymed,” you state with a smile and a giggle.

“Yes, yes it did,” Sam says with a laugh.

You look at your heroes. You look at your friends. You look at your family. You have countless reasons to be sad. You have such a big vocabulary of harsh words that you have been called and could call yourself but the truth is, none of them are true. You can believe that you deserved it then but under no circumstances can you believe that you deserve anything less than the absolute best now. 

“You are beautiful, Y/n.”

“You are magnificent.”

“You are giving and ask for nothing in return.”

“You are the one who saved me.”

“You are the one who shows me kindness when I need it most.”

“You are the one person who always makes me feel better.”

“You are selfless.”

“You make me laugh.”

“You are a hero.”

“You are extraordinary.”

“You are the best.”

“You always make me smile.”

“You make me feel good about myself.”

“You are the representation of good in the world.”

You are gorgeous. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You! All you! You are worth it! You are truly spectacular! You are incredible! You are perfect just as you are! You deserve to be happy! You deserve to be loved! You deserve to live the life you want! You deserve so much because you have been through so much! You deserve to get double the amount of love that you share! You deserve a crown! You deserve gold! You are too good for this world! You are a spectacle! 

You are loved.

You feel overwhelmed with joy, real, true, joy as Sam leans forward to give you a hug. Dean leans to your side and wraps his arms around you. Castiel comes from behind you and squeezes you tightly in your clutches. You were the most loved and appreciated person with three amazing people all pouring their love into you. It is exactly what you deserved and so much more.

You were going to have setbacks. You were going to have bad days. You were going to feel broken, lost. You were going to feel down. But I promise you, they are real. The people who love you are real. There are so many. Your affect on the world may seem miniscule to you but it's not. You can save the world. You make it better everyday. You may save the people who save the world. You matter. You help the world turn. Even when you have bad days, you will always have someone who will want to be there right with you. They will want to suffer with you. They would do anything for you. Never give up.

You must know: you are loved, you are not alone, you are worth it, and you must always keep fighting.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for reading! Never doubt yourself or think you don’t deserve love! You do! You deserve so much! And more!

[mattzerella-sticks]

Supernatural Crack🩹tober

Day 16: Hair Swap

           He returns on a Tuesday. Walking through the door, duffel bag slung over his shoulder and spinning his keys on his fingers. Cas sees Dean at the map table, back facing him. Short hair sticking wildly at all ends, hunched over as he watches a video on Sam’s laptop. Shaking with silent laughter. The sight makes his heart swoon, Cas falling deeper in love despite the previous record set yesterday when Dean called because he texted a frowny face. They spoke well into the evening, until Cas fell asleep.

           Dean has not heard him yet, so Cas uses it to his advantage. Silently descending the stairs, he creeps towards the other man. Runs his fingers through Dean's hair and drops a small kiss along the crown. “Hello, Dean.”

           It wasn’t Dean.

           Sam’s face comes into view, an earbud falling out. “Cas!” he says, slamming the space bar, “What are you doing?”

           Cas pales, blinking. Looking from the younger Winchester’s face, then at his hair. Nothing adds up. “Sam?” he says, “you’re not…”

           “I’m not what?”        

           “You’re not Dean.”

           He snorts, turning fully in his seat. Languidly stretching, boots propped across a nearby, unoccupied chair. “Thought it’d be obvious,” Sam starts, lips pursing, “I am the more attractive brother. For a second I thought you broke and finally admitted your attraction to me, because then I’d have to awkwardly turn you down and hope it wouldn’t ruin yours and Dean's relationship.”

           “I…” There’s a lot he said that Cas needs time digesting. He still hasn’t gotten past the hair. Nor Sam’s lazy smirk that reminded him of someone else. Before he can think more on this, he hears another person approaching. Deep timbre achingly familiar. “Dean? We’re in here – Dean!”

           Dean steps into view, hair pulled tight in a bun. Smiling, like nothing was out of the ordinary. “Cas!” he says, striding forward with a glass of green liquid in hand, “I thought I heard you. Didn’t think you’d be back this soon, though.” He kisses him, free arm looping around Cas’s shoulder.

           Cas hugs reflexively, nose scrunching in distaste. “You reek,” he says. And, as his hand trails across the damp planes of his shirt, Cas adds, “sweaty, too.”

           Chuckling, Dean pulls away. “Yeah, I hadn’t showered yet. I was on my way, too, honest. Don’t like stewing in my yoga sweat for long.” He gestures at his outfit, the loose cotton t-shirt and shorts sticking at odd angles, toes flexing on the hardwood floors. “But I had to make sure someone was doing their research like he promised.” The pointed glare aimed at Sam strikes, the younger boy switching tabs with a rueful pout.

           He hadn’t left them for more than three days. How did this happen? “Are you feeling all right?”

           “Yeah, never better actually,” Dean says, “why do you ask?”

           There were many reasons. Given how ordinary the brothers treated this situation, Cas opted for a simple lie. “It’s just… yoga?”

           “I know,” his hunter sighs, leaning on map table. Tapping on his glass. “I normally do it every other day, but it was raining all morning and I didn’t feel like running in it. But I’m keeping with my juice schedule!”

           “Your… juice schedule?”

           Sam snickers, nudging Dean’s thigh with his elbow. “You know, Cas, it’s the thing Dean drinks that tastes like raw sewage and not… y’know, good?”

           Dean needles him back, flicking his temple. “It is good. Good for you.”

           “Chunky vegetable water isn’t good for me. Burgers are,” Sam stands, collecting his things. He offers a tiny salute in Cas’s direction before swaggering through the exit. “Which I’m gonna go ahead and make. Hopefully regain some of my appetite along the way. So long, bitches!”

           Glaring at his retreated form, Dean sips at his juice. “Jerk.” Then, Dean downs the entire contents while Cas watched helplessly.

           His mind ran through a number of possible scenarios. Dean and Sam were being possessed. Replaced by versions of themselves from a different universe. Under a spell. Touched a cursed object. Were playing an elaborately staged prank on him. The list grew infinitely. Stopping only when Dean snaps his fingers, drawing Cas out of his mind. “Hey,” he says, running a hand down his arm, “you okay?”

           “Fine,” he answers, throat scratchy. He stumbles backwards, giggling. “I… it was a long trip. Guess I’m pretty – I’m tired.”

           “Tired, huh?” Dean asks, grinning. Reading far past the shallow waters of his excuse. “Yeah, I guess I’m pretty beat, too. My body was such a tight knot, like I haven’t stretched in ages.” Or ever, Cas mentally tacks on. “If I wasn’t so filthy I’d collapse onto our bed and…” Dean demonstrates, shimmying onto the table and dropping. Legs helplessly kicking as they dangle over the edge. “Whoops,” he says, “give me a hand?”

           Cas inches close enough he can grab Dean and lift. As he does, the hairtie holding the other man’s hair breaks and a waterfall of hair cascades across his shoulders. He gapes at the magnificence, unsure if Sam’s hair ever looked like that. Or was that long when he left.

           “Dammit,” Dean growls, picking up the former accessory. Frowns at the broken circle, now a sad line. “I’m running out of these… oh well.” He tosses it blindly, tugging Cas into the space between his legs in the same breath. “Cas,” he says, “I thought you said you were tired?”

           Cas winces, pants incredibly tight since the threadbare exercise shorts allow Cas to feel everything. “I did.”

           “I was tired,” Dean sings, looping fingers around Cas’s wrist. Dragging the hand up, guiding it into his hair. “But if you want, I’m game for whatever. Better before I’ve showered than after, right?”

           “Dean, I…” His protests still, Dean’s hand covering his and squeezing. Cas’s fingers threading through soft locks, a newer sensation that makes fireworks explode behind his eyes. He claws at Dean’s hair again, tighter. Those same bursts happen within Dean’s green gaze. “You like this?”

           “Of course I like it, Cas. I love it.”

           “No, no… I mean this.” He pulls Dean’s hair harder, a gasped moan stolen from his lips, “Having your hair pulled.”

           Dean furrows his brow, playfulness waning. “Well, yeah. But it’s not like I’m the only one who gets off on it.”

           “Hmm?”

           “Cas?” Dean asks, pushing his arm away. Frowning, “Are you okay?”

           In that instant, Cas makes a decision. Maybe not the best, but he sees it through. He places both hands on Dean’s scalp and grabs his hair, one after the other, in quick succession. The pupils of Dean’s eyes widen, and his adam’s apple throbs. Better yet, Cas’s leaking dick spasms. He did enjoy this. “Sorry,” Cas smiles, guiding Dean’s face towards his. Their lips hovering nearby, barely touching. “This hunt, it got me all turned around. But I can tell you about it after, okay?”

           “Okay,” Dean kisses him, ankles crossed above his ass. “Less talk about work, more this.”

           “Gladly.”

🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹🩹

           The next day, Cas sits with the Winchesters at the table as he explained the strange circumstances. “Apparently, when touching the finger trap,” he tells them, “it caused your personalities to switch… among other things.”

           Sam sighs, brushing his bangs from his face. Hairstyle returning, the ends curling below Sam’s chin. “Thanks for figuring that out, Cas. Being Dean for two days was more than I’ve ever wanted to be.”

           “I don’t think it was enough,” Dean snorts into his coffee. “Maybe if it was a week, my stunning personality would’ve rubbed off on you. Maybe then you'd be less of a wet blanket all the time.”

           “Really, Dean? You wanted to drink those disgusting juices for a week?” At the mention, Dean’s stomach gurgles loudly. Dean shudders from the memory of happily inhaling those tinctures, cheeks tinted green. “That’s what I thought.”

           “Whatever.” Dean stands, circling the table. Placing a sweet kiss atop Cas’s head. “Just glad you put everything back to normal.” He pulls on the hair tie at his wrist, quickly gathering wavy, chestnut locks and folding them into a messy bun. “I’m making omelets. Any requests – that aren’t vegetables, Sammy.”

           “You're supposed to put vegetables in omelets!”

           “Meats and cheeses only!”

           Cas sighs, sipping at his own coffee while they bickered. Glad that both brothers were themselves again. At least, almost.

           When researching the cause of Sam and Dean’s strange behavior, and after finding the cursed object responsible for it, Cas happened across a spell that could undo the finger trap’s effect. Returning what had been swapped. As he read through the ingredients, he kept flashing back on the wondrous night Dean and he shared together. The feel of his fingers through that long hair. Cas would miss it when Dean’s old hairstyle returned.

           But, hidden within the margins, Cas found a scrawled note from Men of Letters past. Deciphering that faded chicken scratch, the writer added extra instructions. Variations of this spell that could change its effects. In the example given, a beauty mark stolen could be duplicated and shared between the donor and recipient. Cas wondered if it would apply elsewhere.

           “Cas?” Dean calls, bundle of hair bouncing while he cooked. Dean swaying along with an imaginary song. “Cas, what do you want in your omelet?”

           He stood, drifting closer. Wraps his arms around Dean’s waist and burying his nose in his hair. “I’ll have what you’ll have.”

           “Two kitchen sinks then,” Dean grins, nipping at Cas’s lips. He shoots a stale glare over Cas’s shoulder, “and one pussy vegetarian.”

           “Dean,” Cas nuzzles his cheek, laughing, “watch it. If you're not careful, some of your hair might fall in.”

           Sighing, Dean focuses on his cooking. Extra cautious with how his bun flopped around. “You know,” he whispers, “sometimes I think I might be better off with a buzzcut...”

           “Really?” Cas digs his fingers into Dean’s hairline, scraping it. Catching loose strands in his efforts. “You think so?”

           Chuckling, Dean melts into Cas’s embrace. “Nah… short hair’s lame, and so not me.”

           “You’re absolutely right.”

(Day 15 - Impala Alternate Paint Job)

[thehunterwithanangel]

Not Done Yet A Destiel One Shot for post 15x18 and what I want to happen (but probably wont)

Ship: Destiel (Dean Winchester/Castiel)

Word Count: 4,362

Written by: thehunterwithanangel

Notes/Warnings: Very angsty Dean but ends drowning in fluff, some language

The words played on a loop in Dean’s head for what felt like hours before he could process them, at least that’s how he felt; ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ ‘I love you…’ over and over again.

For a brief moment Dean sat in total denial, there’s no way Cas, his Cas actually just said that, only he did and now he was gone. Dean started to cry, and not just a few tears, he started to sob; at first he told himself it was from the shock, but once that settled and he was still left feeling like somebody had just ripped his heart from his chest, he knew it was more. Dean shut down, as he always did when something highly emotional happened, and next thing he knew Sam and Jack were shaking him back to reality.

 Dean wasn’t sure how long he’d been sat there but time was irrelevant to him the moment Cas disappeared into the empty; in fact, nothing at all mattered to him right then because all he could focus on was those three words, still on loop what must actually be hours later. Dean also wasn’t sure how he got back to the bunker, he guessed Sam drove Baby when he realised Dean was in no fit state to drive (he would have to argue with him about that some other time); but here he was, staring at his bedroom ceiling feeling so unfathomably empty, and not the fun ‘give zero fucks’ soulless way, in the way that makes you disconnect from your own body mentally because being in it is just too painful…

 Three days went by with Dean staying much of the same way, only really talking to say ‘Cas is gone, the empty took him’ and multiple counts of ‘go away’ and ‘leave me alone’. Dean didn’t eat or drink, he barely even slept because every time he closed his eyes, there was Cas saying ‘I love you…’ all over again; the only time he ever got any sleep was after many hours of disassociating and silent sobbing...

 The thing is, even though Dean was clearly devastated, he refused to admit to himself as to why. Why even though he’d lost Cas before, hell, had Cas die before, that this time was different; in the back of his mind he knew, of course he knew, but admitting to himself he knew only meant opening himself up to more pain right now and he just couldn’t do it, not now…

 It had been a month since Cas had been gone, physically Dean was okay again, thanks to many, many, many, attempts to get him being a human again from Sam and Jack; Mentally though, he was still destroyed, still refusing to talk about Cas or anything that happened that day, and despite pushing him a couple times, the others knew it wasn’t going to work, he would talk when he was ready, if he was ever ready.

 It had gotten to the point that the others wondered if Dean had completely repressed what had happened though, because his level of fine-ness was almost too much. Little did they know it was quite the opposite.

 A normal day, normal routine, normal conversations, everything was normal to everyone, except Dean. Dean felt almost itchy as he could feel the pain clawing it’s way back to the surface, ready to ruin him again; and his time he didn’t know if he would survive it. So Dean made some excuse about needing pie and took off driving, maybe if he could distract himself with Baby long enough he could push away the hurt once more; at least that was his plan…

 For a couple hours it worked. He kept his feelings at bay and enjoyed the road, but then it happened, an otherwise fun energetic song kicked up from his radio, a song he’d loved to annoy Sam with before, a song he played after they had a successful hunt for example; but now all it carried was pain because this wasn’t just his feel good song, it had become Cas’ too, and that hit way too close to home for Dean. In a split second he slammed on his breaks, shut off the radio, and froze, tears pouring down his face as his hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel, while he tried to hold on to his okay reality for just a little longer. It didn’t work.

 Dean’s body was shaking so hard from the uncontrollable sobbing that every muscle hurt, he gasped for air as the sobs stole the air from his lungs, his vision so blurred from all the tears he wasn’t even sure if he was conscious anymore; and then he said it, the thing he’d been pushing away for weeks, even years if he was being totally honest with himself, out in fuck-knows-where USA, a complete and utter wreck, barely able to function let alone speak, but the words find their way out of his mouth regardless:

“I love you too Cas” Dean choked out, his voice ruined from all the crying. For a fleeting moment Dean hoped Cas could hear him, could know that even though he may be trapped in the empty, he is still so loved by Dean.

 Dean cursed at himself once the words left his mouth, not because he regretted saying them, but because it had taken each of them so damn long to just say it! The truth was Dean always knew deep down but was so scared of losing what they had, he never said anything. ‘Chuck must be laughing at me right now’ he thought; I mean how ironic that he realised he didn’t say it as to not lose Cas after losing Cas…

 Some time later Dean had recomposed himself and while he still felt shattered, that was accompanied with a new sense of determination.

“I love you Cas and somehow, some way, I’m gonna bring you home” Dean said assuredly to himself before shifting Baby into drive and speeding back to the bunker (probably much faster than was anywhere close to safe). He could do this.

 Meanwhile at the bunker everyone was freaking out trying to find Dean; it had been about eight hours since he had ‘left to get pie’, he wasn’t answering his phone, which was going straight to voice-mail, no hints, no notes, nothing; and based on Dean’s current mental health everyone was on edge fearing he’d done something dumb and reckless.

 Dean stopped off at a rest stop to get snacks when the thought crossed his mind he should probably turn his phone back on. He hadn’t meant to go MIA, he just had a lot on his mind and he needed one less thing to think about for a while, which accidentally turned into a long while. Once his phone was rebooted, a pang of guilt shot through him, he was greeted by missed calls from pretty much every single person he knew, and even a couple numbers he didn’t recognise; in total there were at least a couple hundred calls, though Dean didn’t bother to count after the first 50 or so, it was a lot regardless.

“Ah shit.” Dean muttered to himself as he walked back to his car “I should say something to Sam at least” Dean decided before sending a quick ‘I’m fine omw home now’ text to Sam. His chest tightened in fear, or joy, Dean wasn’t sure, at the thought of having to tell Sam what had happened with Cas and how Dean felt and how he had to get him back, yikes, definitely not something you say over text; Dean laughed at the thought of sending a text that was just ‘hey bro btw Cas said he loved me and I love him too so we’re getting him back’ and the chaotic side of him almost did it, but he knew it was going to be more complicated than that so thought better of it. Another thing that made him laugh was Sam’s text back

‘Good, when you’re back I’m going to kill you :)’

He wouldn’t actually kill him obviously but Dean could feel the passive aggressiveness though his phone and he knew Sam was pissed.

 A few hours and Dean was pulling into the bunker and swinging open the door, very shortly followed by Sam slapping him across the back of the head.

“Do you have any idea--!” Sam began but to angry to finish “You couldn’t be bothered to turn your phone on sooner--!” He tried again “What the hell Dean!?” He yelled before pulling Dean into a tight hug.

“Sorry, lost track of time…” Dean said matter-of-factly

“Lost track of….Unbelievable” Sam muttered shaking his head in disbelief. The was a brief moment of pure silence and Dean held his breath, knowing Sam was about to lose it. “YOU DISAPPEAR FOR LIKE NINE HOURS AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS YOU LOST TRACK OF TIME!? ARE YOU SERIOUS!? DID IT NOT OCCUR TO YOU THAT THE FACT YOU WERE DEPRESSED AFTER CAS AND THEN JUST VANISHED COULD BE WORRYING!?!?” Sam yelled; it wasn’t very often he was legitimately mad at Dean, but right now, he definitely was.

“I’m sorry! Look I’ll explain, but not until you agree to stop yelling” Dean pleaded; Sam took a deep breath.

“Okay okay I’m calm now what is it?” Sam asked

“I…” Dean started, his voice shaking “Okay uh, first I need whiskey.” He decided, heading to their bar area; he was going to need some liquid courage to say it to other people, hell, it took him over a decade to admit it to himself. “Okay I…” nope that wasn’t it, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. He could do this. He decided it was better to say it all at once because saying it was the hardest part. “When Cas got taken by the empty it wasn’t totally random apparently he made a deal to save Jack and this was his price only it wasn’t just about him being taken that I was freaking out” Dean explained pausing to breathe “Before it took him he had this big speech about how I’m the reason he cares about anyone, how saving me opened him up to being able to feel and how I’m a better person than I think I am” Dean continued, paraphrasing, because even though that whole speech was burned into his memory forever, that was a big deal for him and Cas and he wasn’t about to share every detail. There was one thing he had to tell them though, or they’d never understand why he acted the way he did. “…He also told me he loved me and it felt way more like an ‘I’m in love with you’ than not and so I was freaking out because holy shit what and then I froze” Dean paused as a lump formed in his throat and tears welled in his eyes as his heart filled with regret all over again. “I…I should’ve said something, done something, I shouldn’t have just stood there, especially because the next second he was pushing me out of the way of the empty…I should’ve saved him…” Dean rambled, choking back tears at the last phrase. A heavy silence hung in the air as neither Sam nor Jack knew if they should speak first or if Dean had more to share; eventually Sam spoke up.

“At least he’s gone knowing he saved Jack though right? And took out Billie” Sam pointed out trying to find the silver lining. Dean breathed out a laugh as  few tears finally fell; his head falling into his hands.

“But I didn’t get to say it back” Dean said quietly, his head still pointed at the floor

“What?” Sam and Jack said in unison, Dean looked up at them, eyes still full of tears

“I didn’t get to say it back.” Dean repeated, louder this time, more sure of his words. “I wanted to say it back but he was gone before I could so I shut down” Dean added, his heart pounding because he actually did it, he told them; he watched them for a moment trying to gauge a reaction. For a while nothing happened and Dean wondered if he’d actually said it or not, but then Sam and Jack looked at each other, then began grinning and laughing lightly. Dean blinked a few times, confused.

“Well it’s about. damn. time.” Sam said shaking his head laughing

“W-What…?” Dean asked

“Dean we’ve known for years” Jack explained casually, Dean did a double take at that.

“And nobody thought to mention it!?”

“Well no…we figured you’d tell us you were together eventually…” Sam told him to which Dean’s mouth fell open.

“Well guess what I didn’t even realise how I felt until he was gone so thanks for that!” Dean informed them, his tone kind of harsh because he could’ve avoided a lot of pain if they had said something sooner.

“Oh…Oh no” Jack said, his hand moving swiftly to cover his mouth

“Oh we screwed up bad” Sam said, more to himself

“You can make up for it by helping me get him back” Dean told them bluntly

“Dean…how..? I mean every other time it was Chuck or Jack but Jack is powerless and Chuck definitely isn’t going to…” Sam pointed out

“I don’t know Sammy but after everything we’ve been though I have to try everything I can, he has to know I love him too” Dean replied frantically

“Dean…He knew. Even if he didn’t hear you say it, he knew” Jack assured him

“Even if he did I refuse to let the time I want him back the most to be the one time it doesn’t happen”

“Okay, where do we start?” Sam asked and with that they set about making a plan to bring Cas home.

 They tried every lead, every contact, every spell, nothing worked. Dean was so defeated, this was so unfair. Jack also spiralled over how if it wasn’t for him Cas never would have made the deal to which Sam and Dean assured him that Cas would’ve made that choice for either of them too. Two months went by and it was time to focus on the bigger picture…

 “If I can’t get Cas back I’m damn sure gonna rain hell upon Chuck at least!” Dean exclaimed confidently as he set another shotgun on the bunker tables.

“What is that now? Seventeen?” Sam questioned glancing over the arsenal Dean had gathered.

“Yup. And I got the flame thrower up and running again so I can watch him burn.” Dean confirmed. Sam would admit this side of Dean scared him a little but who can blame Dean after everything? So he let it go.

 It was one hell of a fight but in the end they won! They may have had a few broken bones and definitely some new scars, but at least they made the son of a bitch pay.

 Two days later and the boys were still riding the high of victory, drinking, laughing, generally having fun; and then Dean’s phone rang.

“Hello?” Dean picked up, puzzled, it was a number he didn’t recognise. The person on the other end spoke briefly and it made all the colour drain from Dean’s face.

“Dean?” Sam prompted with no response. Tears started pouring from Dean’s eyes and both Sam and Jack stood there bewildered

“Uh huh, yep, on our way” Dean told the person before hanging up, clearly not really registering what he was saying. After he hung up his phone dropped out of his hand and he fell to the floor sobbing.

“Dean!?” Sam repeated, more urgently this time; it took him a minute but Dean eventually replied.

“He’s back Sammy! He’s back!” Dean exclaimed between sobs

“Who…? Chuck!?” Sam asked suddenly panicked, relieved when Dean shook his head no

“Cas.” Dean told him simply

“WHAT!?” Sam and Jack both yelled

“How is that possible?!?!” Jack asked, still kind of yelling

“I don’t know but whatever the reason he said it makes his head hurt to think about so it was better in person” Dean informed them “So c’mon!” Dean added as he practically dragged them out of the bunker.

 A few hours later and they were at the location Cas gave. Dean couldn’t believe they’d actually made it; the entire drive he was either hyperventilating or his heart was pounding or both; he had fully given up hope but there he was driving to Cas, his Cas. The three of them walked around the area Cas pointed them to, looking for him, and after a couple of minutes both Sam and Jack stopped walking and stood still which Dean looked perplexed at until he heard him and his heart stopped for a moment.

“Hello Dean.” A voice rang out over the cold winter wind. Dean whipped around sharply to see Cas looking warmly at him, without hesitation Dean ran to him, hugging him with so much force he nearly knocked them both over. “Dean I…” Cas began to say but Dean interrupted him.

“I love you” Dean told him, the words rolling off his tongue as if he’d said them a thousand times; which to be fair, he had in his head over the last few months. Cas stared at Dean dumbfounded and Dean laughed lightly because this must be how Cas felt after he told Dean he loved him. Dean decided that he needed to be stronger with his admission of love. He placed his hand on Cas’ cheek with his thumb under Cas’ chin, and tilted Cas’ head up slightly so that Cas was looking him in the eyes “I love you” Dean repeated, this time putting more emphasis on his words so that Cas knew he meant it.

“Really?” Cas asked as tears welled in his eyes, to which Dean nodded. “Are you sure you mean it the same way I do? Because I mean I get if you mean it in a family way I just…I don’t…” Cas rambled

“Cas” Dean prompted, startling Cas a little by how close he suddenly was, their foreheads touching, Dean’s hand still on Cas’ cheek. “I know…” Dean assured him, his voice barely a whisper, which made Cas’ breath hitch in his throat involuntarily. Dean smirked slightly which made Cas look down at Dean’s lips and Dean could almost hear Cas thinking ‘kiss me’ and so he did.

 The first second or so Cas couldn’t move, completely shocked that Dean actually made the move, but after that he relaxed into it, savouring the moment he’d waited a lifetime (or in his case several lifetimes) for.

“I love you” Cas said softly after they pulled apart. Dean’s heart felt like it flipped at that moment, there was a time he thought he’d never hear those words, coming out of Cas’ mouth, again

“And I love you” Dean reiterated

  They stood there hugging for a few minutes, oblivious to the world around them, before someone broke the silence

“Listen this is really sweet and everything but Dean you have the car keys and it is freezing out here can you at least toss them over so Jack and I don’t freeze to death!?” Sam called from back over by the car.

“Oh oops!” Dean said, mainly to Cas, before turning and throwing Sam the keys, feeling his back vibrate as Cas laughed against it.

“You know…we should probably get out of the cold too” Cas told Dean

“But I like our little warm bubble” Dean whined

“Don’t you wanna know how I’m back?” Cas asked, Dean inhaled sharply; in all the joy of Cas being back and getting to hold him and kiss him, Dean had completely forgotten about the how he ended up there “I’ll take that as a yes” Cas said, before he moved around Dean to head back to the car, only to be stopped a couple of steps after by Dean who took his hand. It was a small thing but Cas could swear if Dean hadn’t been holding onto him he would’ve melted. So many times Cas had wanted to do this, a simple touch, a brush of fingers; so small and yet so important. After so many years telling himself he can’t let himself crave connection like that, to finally to not only admit he wanted it, but to actually get it, felt incredible. He glanced at Dean who responded by holding his hand a little tighter as if to say ‘I know what I’m doing and I want to do it’ so Cas just smiled and they walked hand in hand back to the car where Sam and Jack were sat grinning at them from the back seat.

 “Holy crap!” Dean exclaimed as the warm air from the Impala hit him, in that moment realising just how cold he’d become. After a few minutes regulating their body temperatures Dean was ready to know and Cas was ready to tell

“Okay so…The empty took me into oblivion as you know” Cas began, everyone else nodded “So I get there and I’m awake and so I think oh no not this again and sure enough the empty was pissed saying ‘why won’t you just die quietly!?’ and such and this went on for however long I was gone pretty much” Cas continued “and then one day I was being…dragged? Ejected? Out. It was very weird because it wasn’t like I was being carried out, it was like the empty was trying to push me out, kind of like last time only this time I remember it, as well as an overwhelming feeling of ‘you don’t belong here’ then I woke up and have been trying to find my way back to civilization since” Cas explained then looked at the boys expectantly.

“Cas, when did you come back?” Sam asked

“Two days ago, I remember hearing the radio of a car that drove past me and they said the date that was two days ago”

“What the…” Dean said, shocked

“...Cas, two days ago we took out Chuck.” Sam informed him

“Do you think it’s related?”

“You break out of angel/demon hell the same day we kill the most powerful being ever? Yes it’s related! I mean c’mon!” Dean insisted

“But how?” Jack added

 They brainstormed for a while but every theory had some kind of fatal flaw and then it hit Jack like a lightning bolt

“Wait wait what if it’s not complicated at all? Cas went to the empty but the empty is for angels and demons who died”

“Right…” the others agreed

“Well Cas didn’t die he was just kind of consumed by it. So what if killing Chuck was some kind of reset that every being in there that didn’t actually die, was thrown out??”

“That actually…makes sense…good job kid!” Dean praised

“But if that’s true what else got let out!?” Sam asked panicked, suddenly Cas froze.

“Billie.” Cas stated coldly

“Shit!” They all collectively yelled in unison. And just like that they all knew they’re not done yet…

 Fade to black/credits etc...