#okay I'm running away now
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VELCINTA -- favorite moments from Season 1
+ bonus:
#idk man i'm working on it#thankfully this is just for me#mostly#velcinta#vel sartha#cinta kaz#andor#should really say 'a handful of favorite moments'#because obviously.....this is just scratching the surface#okay running away now#my gifs
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( random conversation I thought of, not sure if it's something that I would consider canon. Might be ooc for characters)
Blue: Aaaaand that's everything that happened today! Which.... isn't a lot but whatever.
Red: ....
Blue: .....( Leans back) Sooooooooo. How's things for you? You haven't, ah, really said much since you came back down Mt. Silver...( Tries to perk up a bit,forcing a smile) You're usually such a chatter box, you know?! Gotta be something interesting for ya today, right?
Red: .....
Blue: ........( Grimaces slightly, still trying to keep smiling. His voices lowers, as if the whole world would hear if he goes any louder) Come on Red, you- throw me a bone here, something-
Red: ( his eyebrows furrow slightly) .....
Blue: ( immediately back pedals) O-only if you wanna, I don't - you don't - ( he sighs, exasperated) Green? H-have you at least talked to Green?
Red: ( he flinches at that. The punch to his face still fresh in his mind. It was a year ago. And even so-) .....
Blue: ( he should back off. He really should-) Your mom? Have you at least talked to your mom?
Red: ( that causes him to outright glare at his....friend? Rival? Babysitter? What are they now? He doesn't know. But he doesn't like this conversation.) . . . .
Blue: R-right! Right, of course you- ( he takes in a breath. Why does he feel so sweaty.) Sorry. Sorry, that was just- Let's just forget I said anything, yeah?
Red: ( his glare softens, looking at his....whatever they are to each other, with concern. He doesn't know if he'll get used to Blue Oak apologizing for anything ever. He raises his hand to sign-)
Blue: ( he raises his hand before Red does, eyes pleading) Let's just forget I said anything, okay? ( Please )
Red: ..... ( He lowers his hand. He hates the look blue is giving him. He blames himself for it, as always) ( Okay )
#so. okay.#the idea is that this is red post mt. silver. maybe like. a few weeks in?#red is struggling to readjust and blue is being. very cautious about his friend. perhaps too much#blue wants to help but doesn't know how. doesn't want to overstep. doesn't want red to run away again bc he scared him off#red doesn't know what he's doing. he's scared. he doesn't know what to think of others. green punched him a year ago#and Blue is acting weird ever since he got back down#he doesn't even know if they're rivals anymore. if they're still friends#( blue n green both have visited red on the mountain for a year before he finally came down )#( of course they're still friends. they want to be friends again. but red latches onto their rage and hurt and uses it against himself)#Red and Blue even back in their old rivarly prided themselves in being able to understand each other#no word necessary. that just got each other.#but now thar connection seems to be....lost?#they don't know how to talk to each other. too scared to do so.#so there's cases like these where Blue is trying to push but not wanting to ruin things ( more than he already has)#and Red who is beyond scared to really. have these conversations even if he hates seeing Blue like this. with him specifically.#and they both just agree to. not talk about it. ignore the pushing. for now anyway#again i'm not entirely sure if this is the direction I want for these two post mt. silver#but this conversation came to me so ( shrugs)#r rambles#legendverse#reguri#trainer red#trainer blue#rival blue#tldr of all those tags: red and blue are teens who don't exactly know how to communicate and navigate their feelings just yet
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you'll forget all but what you chose
[night version below: eyestrain warning]
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#pink space#eyestrain#guess who was playing w/ inkingggg#meeee :333#also messed around w/ the noise and these two versions have different noise settings which was fun !!#and tried something with the lighting a bit i think i like it ? i think i like it :D#Annnnd that bike again 💥💥💥#getting much better at drawing it i hope hbfsvh ; i've gotta work on proportioning n stuff though bloo hbh#also working on clothing folds. bsing my way through it one piece at a time Hkhghfsjvh 👍💥🤌🎉#/i have these saved as 'gocey run (day).png' and 'gocey run (night).png) so lmfsvh#leo n i were having some sort of conversation abt that as i was drawing but i don't remember what it was about lol#also there's a version of this with a very faint grocery list in the background 👍 singular apple on that list#//yea okay i think i'm gonna pop away now :3#OH MY STARS i forgot abt my late-night jumbo crayon doodles i need you to see them hang ON#[sautees away]
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I think I just figured out what my favorite episode of 911 is. Not in terms of arcs or scenes just like the entire episode. And rn it's definitely 4x6 where ravi says the q-word and everyone assumes they're cursed. Expect eddie of course bc duh he has to be a sassy bitch about it. But like the ep starts with buck 3.0 and his clipboard and eddie being so smitten which is already such a plus. And then it's just such a silly and wholesome episode. Nothing too traumatizing or serious, just some crazy random calls and a lot of humor. I LOVE it. And don't forget this beautiful line from bobby: "they're so focused on what they don't have, they miss the chance to have something else, something real." AND honestly the entire dialogue after that line. Absolutely phenomenal. And while all of that is happening someone cosplays as a firefighter and steals the 118 engine. Like this episode is just flawlessly amazing in my opinion. And bc I love including pics here are some of my favs. Don't tell me you can't hear these.
#911 abc#eddie diaz#evan buckley#hen wilson#chimney han#bobby nash#buddie#911 buddie#eddie x buck#we are just going to ignore that ana flores is in that episode too#i honestly don't care much for her and tbh she should've run far away before going on that date with eddie#i love eddie so much but dating her was just not it#and just look at these silly firefighters i love them all so much#i will never understand why but they fill me with happiness#okay I'm done now thanks for reading this i guess
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oh I know its bad if I'm pulling out the hbomberguy plagiarism video i've watched it like 100 times already
Pre-show curse strikes again...
#hbomberguy. save me hbomb. hbomb save me...#I need noise to focus on and music isn't doing it since half my playlist is in a language I don't understand#jupiter rambles#I'm gonna be okay now I just need to calm down and get the last of my hysteria out of my system#hbomberguy#emotional support fuwas also at the ready akito is not leaving my person for the next week#But I swear to god before every show I have some sort of event that annihilates me#freshman year it was my old dog running away#sophomore year dude I don't even remember what happened I just had a massively hard time before ALL OF MY SHOWS.#And now. shitshow.#Canada lookin real fine rn..#3 hours away...
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Everything Lives On In The Stars will be releasing weekly starting August 23, 2024!
ELOITS is an Outer Wilds continuation fanfic that follows the canon ending of thte game with only small tweaks to explore the themes of the world of outer wilds as it continues onward, 14.3 Billion years later.
If you love Outer Wilds, space, recklessness and communication errors, I really would love your feedback on this fic as it continues forward. Less than a week until the first chapter releases!
Big thanks to everyone who supported me throughout this project, especially my beta reader (and the one who got me to play this game) @soratsuart ! This is my longest completed fic, and I'm very proud of it and the supplimental material that goes with it. I'm super excited to share it with you all!!
(Reblogs are really appriciated for sharing my writing projects in particular, but ELOITS is especially special to me. Such an amazing game)
#outer wilds#outer wilds fanart#outer wilds hatchling#outer wilds fanfiction#outer wilds art#digital art#ibis paint x#sams art#Everything Lives On In The Stars#ELOITS#I'm genuinley so excited and shaking I really am so happy to have this project and all the support I've gottten making it and just#Aaaaaa#Okay I post this now and run away
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say hi to me i don't know, i just remembered being so much brighter, i guess
cigarette ash like wildfire burning holes in the nighttime open scars feel like barbed wire white lies flying high like a ceasefire dropping flags on the shoreline this is as far as i can feel right 'cause what you don't know can haunt you
and all we ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think for a while
don't drag it out living like that doesn't mean a thing
so let's, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars 'cause happy endings hardest to fake
and i wanna let you know i wanna let you go but i just can't bring myself to speak but this is how it goes the end credits, they roll this bridge was built over kerosene but we can watch it and all i ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think
so let's run, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars you can wish away forever but you'll never find a thing like today
#miraculous ladybug#felix fathom#marinette dupain cheng#felix graham de vanily#🌃#ml amv#felinette felinette felinette FELINETTE#i'm shrimping so hard i'm gromping i'm making absolute tempura#yes the 2 am coco pops félix post was made while i was finishing this yes i am constantly experiencing inconsolable félix feelings#félings even. GOD GOD GOD okay listen#i could do a line by line analysis of this song and how i made the amv i have too many thoughts to put in the tags i am exploding#but in summary REPRESENTATION. REPRESENTATION. EMOTION. REPRESENTATION. EMOTION. REPLIQUE. FUCK ME#félix's trauma an open scar leading her to the art room as far as both of them will go to feel right#ALL HE EVER WANTED WAS TO KEEP ADRIEN AND THEN MARINETTE SAFE#it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark huAHUAHHGAG I MTHRWOING UP it's how he doesn't care what she thinks of him#how she sees him whether she hates him he's Chosen her as someone to protect and he will DO IT he will TAKE HER WHEN HE RUNS#i don't care if you beat me i know i have this under control and i'm protecting you and everything is going to be okay EXPLOIDNGNIG#tomorrow is a mile away tomorrow where i find out who you are tomorrow where we have to come apart#this is how it GOES you're the hero i'm the villain adrien is the lover i'm the monster i'm the cousin#marinette and félix and Knowing each other is so#THEY DESERVE SO MANY OTHER DAYS THEY DESERVE TO SLOW DOWN AND BE WITH EACH OTHER AND NOT HAVE TOMORROW PULL EVERYTHING AWAY AND UAHAUHGAUGH#i'm not well about them. félix and freedom and escape#ALSO i have so many feelings about félix cherishing the people he wants to save so much he was willing to do the same thing that led to#his own trauma and use the peacock miraculous TWICE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME ARE YOU KIDDING ME#you can read it differently but right now come with me ARE YOU KIDDING ME#also ALSO i often think about how felinette standing in front of réplique is a reference to pv felinette#and me placing that directly before the wish is a nod to how the pv was rewritten into canon miraculous. a meta wish... felinette remains#but also in universe you can wish away the world that once was and you'll still never find another thing quite like félix#and who you were and could have been to each other today... cherish him marinette... please cherish him for me#i hit tag limit on this essay so i'm not tagging the episodes i used in the amv but i used all eight félix episodes as always
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Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡
So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.
At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.
Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.
I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.
So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.
If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.
#spotatalk#i'm just gonna drop this in the queue I guess?#but I'm writing this on the last day of june so....#whenever this rolls around will be a jumpscare abd a half I guess?#I think honestly I coukd do a full breakdown of the Crew and why they're all expressions of me but like#quick summary is#Reset: Wants approval from people but mostly clings to the past. is afraid of losing his brother and acts on it to bring him back. i#<- I lack that conviction to do whatever you have to to get your way. i worry my brother and I have a weird gap between us we wont repair#Orchid: Uhhh woman. lots of pressure that she had at one time that's now no being pressed but she still tries to live up to it also.#<- I don't like the pressure of being a woman. also gifted-kid who cannot move past the pressures imposed to be 'perfect' and it's screwed#Stereo: Pulled into a situation he doesn't want to be in initially. it's bad for him but he likes the people so he decides to stay#<- I see the good in people. even when they hurt others around me. I was a bystander often and should've left the situations. paralelling.#Monochrome: Afraid. No purpose or preperation in life. soneone offers to guide him and he takes that offer because it's better than home.#<- Kinda self-explanitory but I've got little direction and feel lost a lot of the time. If I'm given a path I usually walk it no hesitation#and... for fun let's do some others!#Haphazard: Cleaning up after others since childhood. he's never really gotten a break and sees any sort of mess as an enemy#-> He's fixing rifts in universes I gotta patch relationships. there's so much conflict and I'm always so overwhelmed by it#Lost: He's got amnesia. no clue where he is. where he's from. who you are. who he is. he'll know when he gets there. he's sure.#-> I've been hsving minor issues with my memory for years. i coukd be forgetful but sometimes it just escapes me and that's spooky#Teddy: Isolated in her universe for years. she self-mutilated until she liked herself. when she finally met people she compulsively lied#-> Much more extreme version of how isolated I sonetines feel. hobbies can't replace human interaction but it's hard#oh and Ichor: God who loves mortals but cannot seem to find ones who will prove hin right for his trust and care#<- I've got a big heart. i express it often but the sentinent is scoffed off a lot. I get beat down about it and just keep moving forward#Pretender: Knows who he is. however the world doesn't like it much so he acts how they expect him to or isolates away#<- I still present femme when I'm nb/agender. i bend and break to people's perception of me. if I can't solve something I run.#okay I feel more insane than when ai started but these stupid skeletons have helped me through so many mental health problems it's only a#little bit funny 🙏
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Dealing with some unwanted existential thoughts again
#kers ramblings#when your circle starts loosing interest in things you used to enjoy together and at some point you just..#just find yourself in a much smaller circle than it used to be. i know it's okay. i know people aren't bound to things and its the memories#that matter. still. it might be a part of my neurodivergent experience but i never felt like i truly belong anywhere#and now friends and acquaintances leaving the fandom one by one..i know i can't force them to stay and I'll never try to#its just...such a bittersweet feeling and a bit of grief and nostalgia about the moments you shared. but it's a change of a routine#they're not actually going anywhere and still ARE your friends but its a big change#changes are stressfull and sad but they're implying that you should move on#and I'm mostly used to running away and forcing myself to get into something else even if i still enjoy it#because im always afraid of ending up completely alone. in some sort of a trap feeling like the worst person alive#all of that because i just...i simply forbid myself talking to someone about the things they're not interested in anymore#like something just dies inside and will never come back the way you knew it. it's just the way how things are to me. it always was#and it hurts to feel like and know that at some point I'll end up being “alone” again despite having so many friends. it just wouldn't#be the same anymore. i don't even know if you get it or not but its like..a burning need to have a buddy or a few to enjoy things together#to get crazy over things together. to discuss headcanons. to share thoughts. to draw and write about it and simply be feral together.#I feel like it's been slowly slipping through my fingers over the past months and i kinda feel heartbroken by that#and yet I don't even know how to approach so many new people who are like me to feel and share it again#life isn't ending really and people aren't going anywhere but the huge change i tried so hard to ignore is getting closer day by day#maybe it's just the brain worms and i need to get some sleep...I don't know really#i know I won't be left completely alone but i kinda feel like i *will* be alone#in a “i don't want to keep bothering them talking about things im passionate about. they're into other stuff now” kind of way#can someone please come and smash my head with hammers and take that emotional pain away
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Here are my political thoughts. I'm not putting it under a read more and I'm not tagging it!! I know a lot of people come here to give themselves a break from real world stuff but sometimes you gotta deal with it (like right now)
Or just scroll by/block if you want idgaf baby!!!
To those in the US: I hope you are okay, get resources for your mental health if needed. Be scared, be pissed off. Don't let anyone tell you your feelings aren't valid because anyone that is queer or disabled or a poc is in for an even bumpier ride than usual.
If you are able: I hope you are involved and engaged in your community because there is no getting progressives into the White House without getting them in at the local level first and that's where you can make the biggest changes. Volunteer with youth or a campaign you feel good about. The DSA have a lot of different chapters in different states if that's your jam.
Remember that progress takes time and does not happen overnight or even over a few years. It is slow as hell and I know that sucks, but we have to be in this for the long haul and for future generations.
The rest of the world: we fucked up for real (again). Sorry for the fallout your countries will inevitably face.
If you voted for Tr*mp: get off my blog before I shoot you with my laser eyes. I do NOT tolerate intolerance. I come from a rural community who are completely brainwashed and!! newsflash!! His 2017 legislation hurt farmers and his tariff plan on John Deere is gonna hurt you again!!!
If you don't "do" politics: well, politics is gonna do you, babydoll, so you might as well!
#this ain't a harris endorsement but if you voted for trump get the hell away from me#the dem party is so fucking stupid to run a campaign pandering to white centrists don't get me started#MY POINT IS#community is important!!#love is important!!#if leaving the country is what is best for you and you're financial able good for you i guess#I was born here and feel some twisted horrible need to stay here and try to fix it#the US is a world leader and we really have a domino affect that impacts the entire world whether you want to admit it or not#his last presidency caused a lot of far right nut jobs to come out of hiding around the world AND helped them take leadership positions#the US has been in a shitpile for ages#pick up a shovel for those who can't and help dig!!#voting matters!! climate change is real! vaccines save lives!!#we live in an age of disinformation and heavy apathy!!#don't let it win!!#he's gonna try to start taking rights away on DAY ONE!!#but at least the economy is going to get worse too#end my soapbox rant#actually last thing: STOP painting melania as some innocent gold digger who hates him#(i'm petty and still haven't forgiven her for renovating jackie kennedy's rose garden but there are tapes of her defending him)#she knows what she's doing and is okay with what he's doing and is not a victim just STOP#okay now i'm done for realsies this time
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I'm seeing too many Greek mythology-related wars on Tumblr these days and I'm kinda scared.
Please send help QAQ
#everyday i open this website and see another argument going on and there are only more as i scroll#it's either about Epic and the Odyssey#or the Helen of Sparta's abduction controversial#or the good old Persephone's abduction controversial#or another retelling complain and GODS KNOW what else#okay you guys have your fun debating but i'm tired of seeing people getting angry over the myths all the time#i'm gonna retreat to my little corner and read stuff about my prince Hyacinthus#also please don't start war on this post i'm trying to run away from reality right now#greek mythology#The Pen explodes with ink
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I know people have a right to disregard canon for the sake of the fic or whatever but every time I see "Bad Parents Jack and Maddie Fenton" on the same fic as "Good Parent Bruce Wayne" my brain goes a little bit fuzzy
#dpxdc#one of these days I will write a whole thesis paper with sources on why the Fentons are good (or at the very least not bad) parents#i get that you need an excuse for Danny to be adopted. have you thought of things such as:#a. danny is in a different dimension#b. Danny's parents are dead or otherwise incapacitated#c. danny is being a dumb teenager and thinks he needs to run away from home when he really doesn't#d. Bruce literally doesn't need an excuse to adopt people. see Duke and Steph and Barb and some variations of Tim#I'm sure a whole thesis paper will not keep me from seeing people say that Danny and Jazz learned to dumpster dive as kids#because their parents didn't feed them#please tag your fenton bashing im begging#okay sorry for ranting I'm finished now
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its not unusual at this point for me to go several days and occasionally weeks without posting here BUT this time i'm going to have a good excuse and her name is hurricane helene and she sucks and i hate her
#trousled rambles#first time i've ever been effected this bad by the Big weather events bc the terrain that i live is usually very very protective. yayy#i am safe and okay however it's not possible to get in or out of my town (or even my driveway lol) & my power might be out for several days#meaning i'm effectively stranded & cut off from most things for a good while now. wahoo yippee yay#when i say i can't get in or out of my driveway btw i mean the thing is literally gone. like it's a gorge now im not joking pipes are outtt#and when i say nobody can get in or out of my town i mean there isn't a single highway or interstate or normal ass road still in tact rn#the only way in or out is by air and that's not. particularly accessible to the average person#also cell service is gone completely in the very large majority of my region (i got lucky w that part which is why i can post rn)#and everywhere is flooded real real bad#if anybody recognizes what area i'm talking about pls pretend u dont and do not doxx me tha nk uu#i usually wouldn't be posting This much detail about my area but like#this is one of the worst storms i've ever lived through in my life and i feel like i gotta talk about it or i'll explode a little bit#especially since i've only been able to get myself to look away from the news for like 5 minutes total in the last 48 hrs#anyway point is i will probably not be super active for a bit! i'm sure you're shocked#if anything insane happens papyrus-wise just imagine me running around in circles and throwing myself into the nearest standing water#fuckass storm
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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i think i just need to rewatch lost.
#that will fix me i think.#because i am doing. bad. i know i have not been keeping this a secret but i feel very stuck and i don't really know what to do.#my general anxiety levels are much higher than they usually are and um. i don't really know why. which then just makes it worse.#and i feel so down and hopeless. i can't make myself feel excited about things. i have hardly any motivation#and no energy to do anything even if i did#like yellowjackets s3 starting production and i just don't feel excited about it and it's making me really sad#and I'm getting upset about things that i feel silly for getting upset about and i can't say anything because I'm embarrassed#for being upset in the first place#i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone around me it's so hard to talk to anyone#I'm running on autopilot most of the time at the moment#and I'm finding it so hard not to push people away. but at the same time i feel so out of place and I'm dissociating a lot so.#idk whay I'm saying with this#i just feel like i need to get stuff out because i feel so anxious i might explode#and with the weather getting warmer a lot of my physical symptoms are flaring up. anf being in this house is so suffocating#i feel like i can inly exist in this perpetual state of fine. can't be any worse can't be any better#I'm just constantly pretending that I'm just Okay because it's easier than having to deal wirh anything else. but i know I'm really just#causing myself more harm.#I'm done now. just trying to relieve some of the pressure i am feeling in my whole entire body.
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