#ok now I am going to go get ready
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Star Wars hyperfixation activated
What my muses would be in a Star Wars setting (specifically Old Republic).
Aella - She would be a star wars music celebrity, traveling the galaxy and playing for crowds. Is force sensitive but did not join the Jedi
Anatol - He'd be a Republic Trooper, working to do his best and be a very ethical trooper
Arakhivaen - he'd probably be a senator who has a background in the military
We're skipping Arzan
Brinus - full circle he was originally a SW muse so he's back to being a Sith inquisitor
Briza - I get a bounty hunter vibe from her which works becaues ranger
Chiela - some sort of local planet religion priestess who isn't nervous about asserting herself into politics as need be
Durante - An artist down on his luck, he became a smuggler and got the wrong job and now he has weird powers due to an old artifact he was supposed to take to a Sith.
Frits - A Jedi Sage but not one with a strong suit in healing. He just likes to study and learn, probably works in the temple library and gardens
Gwenifar - A Jedi Sage healer, who definitely puts herself in dangerous situations without concern for herself to help others
Ingeleif - he's a Jedi of some kind, I'm not sure knight or consular, but he has to balance himself a lot due to his ambition.
Klaudius - An Imperial Agent, probably operative, and has no problem torturing his targets for information.
Kyrirthlila - a smuggler who tends to target and scam those more well off to help others
Perun - force sensitive but left the Jedi and tends to travel the galaxy doing odd jobs here and there
Talilah - Somehow ended up as a Jedi, but she's a very lax and 'let's have fun' kind of Jedi. Still wants to do good things, but has a cutting tongue. Probably a Jedi Sentinel.
Tavinkas - raised in the Sith, was turned into a Sith experiment, but found by Jedi Talilah and now is trying to unlearn what he's learned and deal with the programming the Sith put into his mind so he can be his own person and do good things.
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She puts her hand in his hair and lets the strands slip between her fingers like she’s dreamed of doing so many times. Like she’s seen him do with the Weave. Her Lady’s essence, dancing between his fingertips.
i had the privilege of commissioning the wonderful @infernaldaydreams for art of the end of heretic, my exploration of religious trauma through a cleric of mystra tav/gale. i'm trying to be as normal as possible in this post but they have captured the scene utterly and this art is about to become my entire personality! thank you so much bestie!!
#infernaldaydreams#get ready to see this post OFTEN y'all I am shaking lol#ill go on about this but I am not an artist and I can't really visualize characters when I write them#even in game I couldn't get mira right despite all the options#but this image#THIS is mira ong#the look on her face OUGHHHHHHH#ok ok#normal now#galeposting#gale dekarios#gale of waterdeep#bg3#heretic#oc: mira#my writing#commissioned art
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I got an idea when looking at this post by @tangledinink. I couldn’t rest until I’d jotted it down. The art possessed me like an evil spirit. warnings for body horror, vomiting, general fuckery. 💚
what probably happened directly before Leo found himself in this situation:
Leo: Fairies? No way those sparkly little assholes are real.
The fae who happened to be within earshot: and i took that personally.
Anyway, here we gooooo:
Leo opens his mouth to scream, but the sound won’t come out. He gags on the feeling of it catching inside his throat, and then again when the trapped scream begins to grow thorns. It scrapes its way up, and he claws desperately at his throat, trying to tear the feeling out, falling to his knees as he gags around the forced silence.
The threat of suffocation is enough to tear his attention, however briefly, away from the horror of what is happening to his shell. His body is changing itself on the urging of some other thing’s whims, and even though his nerves didn’t seem to get the memo that a dissolving shell (you know, the thing that most of his internal organs and, like, half of his bones need to stay inside his body?) should probably hurt a lot, he can still feel it.
He retches as the first flower falls from his lips. It hits the ground with a disgustingly wet sound, coated with bile and saliva. It shines wetly, rich orange hues standing out brightly against the black soil. The rest follow shortly after, a painful deluge of familiar colors, and he’s helpless to do anything but dig his fingers deep into the rich soil and try not to let the horrific impossibility of the situation drive him crazy. Tears flow freely, staining his cheeks before they fall to the ground below, greedily absorbed by the cursed earth of this place.
“Oh, dear,” a voice says, too close for him not to have noticed their presence. He tries to jerk back, but he can’t pull his fingers from the dirt. It hurts when he tries. A high pitched whine escapes his throat, but he’s too terrified to be embarrassed by that. The voice shushes him, soothes him, and warm fingers wrap tight around the back of his neck. They come to rest just above where the lip of his shell should be. He sobs at the way his back squirms as heat shoots down his spine and something begins to grow. The furred fingers drag like velvet against his scales as they squeeze, the sharp prick of claws threatening to break skin, and then release him just as suddenly.
“So much sorrow and pain. And, oh, so many regrets,” the thing says as she circles him, humming a tune that makes his head pound in rhythm with his racing heart. His hands have sunk beneath the black soil, and it has begun licking greedily at his wrists as well. He can feel tendrils of something wet and cold winding themselves around his fingers, and he wants to scream again, but the bursts of bile-soaked colors decorating the ground keep him from opening his mouth. He can feel a petal still clinging to his bottom lip, and when the thing kneels before him, she reaches out to pluck it off, unbothered by the way he shrinks as far away from her touch as he can manage.
She slips it between her lips, and he catches a flash of a blackened tongue as it darts out to meet that single purple petal. Her teeth are sharp when she smiles at him. They hadn’t been sharp, when she’d first approached him in the Hidden City. Nothing about her had been.
In the dim lights of the underground world he and his brothers had only recently begun to explore, she had looked soft. He’d seen her approaching, and the first thought to flit through his head was, aw, bunny. A fluffy, rounded face. Big eyes, dark and deep as a still pond as they reflected the flickering neon of a sign in the shop window behind him. A pink nose had twitched when she’d smiled at him, sweet and kind, and asked him for his name.
(What had he told her?)
Now, she would be unrecognizable, if not for the same strawberry patterned dress that drapes over her stretched out frame. He’d think to compare her to a hare now, but the hares he’d seen when watching Animal Planet with mikey had never looked like they would take delight in tearing his nails off one by one or plucking out his eyeballs. They had never made his vision swim or his body shake when he’d looked at them. Maybe she’s become more of a wolf.
The soil has reached his elbows. Those cool, slimy tendrils have circled his wrists like shackles. They’re squeezing tighter and tighter, and he feels his fingers throb and tingle as circulation is cut off.
His mind flashes briefly to raph and how he used to tell them not to wear rubber bands on their wrists, convinced that their hands would fall right off if they got squeezed too tight. He wonders if the things that live beneath the dirt will steal what they’ve claimed, just like she’s stollen his shell. Another sound wants to bubble up his throat at the thought, and he lets it, because what use is a swordsman without his hands?
The hysterical giggles escape as big, iridescent bubbles. They glitter pink and blue and leave a bitter taste on his tongue. They only float a few feet into the air before they fall back to the ground, their attempt to flee the horror of this situation not getting too far at all. Soft green grass rises up from the dirt to catch them, but they do not pop. They rest, suspended on those tiny blades, for far longer than any bubble he’s ever blown before. He watches, transfixed, as his laughter is eventually swallowed by green. It begins to spread.
A hand cradles his chin, and his gaze jerks back to the thing that brought him here. She is watching him intently, eyes darting to take in every tiny change in his expression. She looks curious, in the same way that donnie does when he’s thinking about all the ways he can take something apart, and what he can do with those pieces to create something better.
Her hand is soft where it touches him. She is gentle as she wipes a cloth across his mouth. It feels like water, soothing and cool, and he finds himself leaning into this tiny offer of comfort among the stomach churning violation of what is being done to him. His eyes flutter, and he distantly registers that the face she wears seems to swim before his eyes with each rapid blink, shifting back and forth between bunny and wolf and something other. She looks like she wants to devour him whole, no matter which face she wears.
From this close, he can see the way her eyes sparkle and dance when she smiles. He can’t help but think that maybe being swallowed whole wouldn’t be such a bad way to go, after all.
The writhing shackles around his wrists tighten.
She laughs, breathy and soft, and the sound is layered and beautiful like wind chimes. It conjures a hurricane inside his mind. Her cool breath gusts over his face. It smells like churned dirt and funeral flowers and pustulous rot. He doesn’t know if he wants to gag or breathe deeper.
“Little blossom,” she croons, cupping both his cheeks, dragging their faces close. He doesn’t resist. She giggles, and she drags those soft hands and those sharp claws down his neck and over his shoulders, fingertips bumping against the disgustinghorriblewrongparasitetumor gathering of delicate buds that have sprouted up all across his back. She pinches one between the pads of her fingers, and he wants to screamcrybeghertostoppushherawaycutherdownandtearthemalloutbytheroots be good for her.
“Little blossom,” she says again, and those dark eyes catch his gaze and hold it as a heavy feeling settles against his skin, across his shoulders, around his neck, and he can’t look away no matter how desperately he tries. But he doesn’t want to try. Her smile stretches wider, wider, and for one brief flicker of a second he can see blood on her teeth as she asks, “Do you believe now?”
.
(Side note just for fun. The flowers that appear in this but aren’t actually described or named are:
Orange marigold, for grief and despair
Purple hyacinth, for sorrow and asking for forgiveness
Red cyclamen, for goodbye and resignation
Yellow zinnia, for missing a friend and remembrance
Bluebells, for gratitude and everlasting love
#Rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#faeries#rottmnt leo#body horror#Sorry sorry sorry#i checked your faq and it said you were cool with fanworks about your stuff and i didn’t want to clog your ask box so i’m just posting this#Lmk if you want me to get rid of it or anything#That picture (you know the one YOU KNOW THE ONE) grabbed me by the throat and made me write this though#Its all dark while the actual art is so light and adorable#Whoops#also fun fact blue bells are also known as fairy flowers and are said to call the fae to their revelries#I thought it was fitting that that would be leo’s flower even though nothing is ever mentioned by name in the actual writing lol#I wanted there to be a flower for splinter too but i wasn’t really sure what his signature color would be so#Shrugs#I am playing loose and fast with flower language#But its all based on like two hours of research to find the perfect ones at 3am lol#Bc again this idea would Not Let Me Go#Which is nice actually bc i’ve been in a slump so getting possessed by an idea was refreshing actually#ok shutting up now#Hope you like it#Bye now#Wait i have to come back to say that i am so so so excited to see where tangledinink is taking things#It is going to be so amazing and i am ready to cry#I love this sort of thing so so much
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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realizing that for the first time ever being w my bf has given me the chance to actually just , kinda be myself without it feeling So wrong. like i am a nervous lil freak n me not being anything else is somehow ok. and not just used as a joke or like yeah thats the freak dont talk to them dont worry about them like my friends irl always did w me. even my therapist likes to ignore core parts of me, whenever i try to bring it up she always shuts me down with the "im sorry u feel that way" and changes the subject. and like i still want to be better n i still have support for changing n growing but it's like for the first time i can actually plant myself down in the ground instead of stretch myself thin trying to fit into everything im not. so maybe i do have a chance. maybe this is where i was always going wrong maybe this is what i could never reach
#being able to talk n it come naturally n not be scolded or punished has truly changed me#ive never been able to be comfortable w anyone ive always had to plan every word i say w such intensity most of the time everyone would hav#moved on by the time i was ready#but i can actually just Speak#i can just let it go w/o thinking#without scolding myself#without spending every moment deep in daydreams of what i should be#and then getting so disappointed when i dont live up to them in the moment#because that isnt me#no matter how many times i watch it over in my head it isnt real n i have 2 be ok w that#at least for now#unless i have something to actually build upon i will always just fall back down to my quiet terrified self#for the first time ever in my life im allowed 2 b the autistic lil freak i am and treated w full love#not like a nuisance everyone is forced to deal with and ashamed of#& that is fucking wild 2 me i am still not used to it#but i am so thankful#n i will cry 10000 days for it#i love my bf so much for everything they are on their own but also how they treat me#every bit of love they give me is tripled n shared back
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wrote an extra few minutes just now… that means.. i wrote twice in one day…
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With the heavy caveat that I know people put their heart and soul into this show, having watched 6 seasons of this shit now, The Dragon Prince is just this to me
I root for this show as if it was my child’s little league team playing against the Dodgers. Like, they have the spirit, certainly. Can they actually hit a fastball going over 100mph? I think not.
#ok tag rant kiddos get ready#tdp in the beginning was cute- competent- passable kids media that was genuinely entertaining if silly to watch#like yall it was endearing at first but now— i don’t think they know WHY things worked in avatar#and don’t get me wrong#it has SO much potential#i WANT it to be good#it THREATENS WITH A GUN to be good#and then it trips on itself#which is so sad because all the pieces are there- then they make the most BAFFLING plot/character decisions#i pity the crew making it because 1) bts coming outta there kinda sounds like hell#and 2) making the netflix-style release schedule show is so deeply challenging and detrimental to its shows#idk i’ll rant more coherently later but damn#i hate to see so much passion squandered or lessened by just a top-down lack of ability to organize and execute#am i 24 and watching this? yeah. but not as a mere fan: im peer reviewing#this is such a late 2010’s-2020’s show like damn#there’s just too much going on#but god dammit if there aren’t so many talented people OBVIOUSLY pouring their all into it#some of whom I’ve followed for a while!#i just wish the show had the chance to live up to its potential#and didnt parrot avatar’s flirtation with darker themes in children’s media without understanding why it worked or what lines you cant cross#also rayla and callum are like… kinda gross imo. but that’s just me I guess#this is my new game of thrones if they wanna name an episode where no one dies ‘the red wedding’
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i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.
#rum.txt#i have to do something about my phone...........#i might be able to uninstall tumblr#i can't uninstall twitter because the stupid fucking thing turns off notifications when you do#so i wouldn't be able to catch up on the accs i have notifs on for#(a very small list of forcebook- and kaibaek-related accs)#i can't uninstall instagram because of forcebook again lol#i also use it for recipes sigh#but i might start just... leaving it in my room when i get up and see how that goes#i'd also have to try to not look at my phone first thing in the morning#i also have to start actually getting up in the morning#i think that's the main thing#ok maybe when i take my medication in the evening i start getting ready for bed#it'll take long enough that it'll probably still be late but reasonable late#and not like. almost 3 am like now#one of the problems with my room right now is that i have a lot of STUFF#and i'm afraid of getting rid of the STUFF#because the last time i got rid of a bunch of STUFF#(mostly clothes)#i totally regretted most of it and i'm still like ah shit i don't have that anymore? :(#but also i have a big bed that i just want OUT of there#and a huge wardrobe that unfortunately holds a lot of the STUFF#so i don't know where all the STUFF would go#and every job i apply to sucks#and every job i actually want is TERRIFYING in both its unattainability and the miniscule possibility of its improbable successful executio#so i'm like stressed out about a thing that hasn't happened to make something that hasn't happened that i'm also stressed out about#every possible scenario whether i want it or not feels like it could lead to a meltdown because everything is so god damn hard right now#AND I FEEL SO!!!!!! SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the worst part is that i know all this is because my stupid fucking period is coming up#but just because my hormones are making me feel overwhelmed and melodramatic about everything doesn't make anything i've said untrue
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I have finally finished O Segredo Na Floresta.
I have cried more than I thought possible.
And I fear I shall never be the same.
#i have discovered that however bad quarentena was - cellbit has tons more angst material ready to unleash when least expected#it was so so so good but my god - i have never felt more empty#you ever see a piece of media and think yeh this is gonna change the way i view certain things forever - yep.#but now i enter the ordem episodes that arent captioned and only have the youtube autotranslate - the final boss for my portuguese knowledge#cellbit#ordem paranormal#this post is sort of my proof to myself when i actually finished the bastard - this season was three billion years long i swear#and still so long to go#cellbit will continue to stab my emotions for many more hours to come!!!#it is very late at night and i am very sad. TIME TO START THE NEXT ONE :D#o segredo na floresta#enigma do medo#bro i need to yell at someone about the last like hour of the damn thing because i have many things to say. or maybe just cry some more#at least my portuguese is much better now lmao. I'll get to a point where i can just listen to an episode with no subtitles if it kills me!!#hopefully cellbit will be back on the qsmp soon to rip my heart out with a cute lil cubito delivering heart wrenching angst for some variety#qsmp#ok sleep time lmao
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i have 2 interviews on monday so im gonna try to just eat so much tomorrow that i literally die
#one is the one from today that i did in fact reschedule bc tbh i don’t want that job and i was so not ready for the interview#bc from the phone interview last week the recruiter was like yeah you’re gonna want to know like the history of the company for the next#interview and reallllly have good star answers and i was like lol ok just kill me#so i wasnt ready and that’s fine now it’s on monday BUT today i got an email for another phone interview from a job that i reeeeeeally want#actually it’s like exactly what i do now but actual hourly pay and benefits which is all i’m looking for#AND it’s 100% remote anywhere whereas the first one which is the finance job that i know nothing about#finance but they have an office in the city i used to live in which is like idk 45 minutes away and is also the city i’m planning to#move back to anyway once i can get the fuck out from under my familys roof#but training is 7 months in office so if i get tht i absolutely have to move bc i will not be driving that for 7 months but if i move it’s#whatever but anyways the second job which is for copy editing which my ultimate goal anyway is to be an editor so this would be sooo good#and such good experience for me and my resume!!! and it’s 100% remote like i said and NO PHONES#the other job is a complete customer service job but i need all these finra licenses and shit and i’m like ok. how am i even supposed to#pass those anyway#but anyways. it’s obvious which job i want but i’m going to go to both interviews just to keep my options open bc i can’t be stupid about#this bc now that student debt forgiveness is completely off the table. lol forever. i’m going to have to start paying that#so anyways. my life is so stressful rn but at least things are starting to come together at least in the job department#well hopefully anyway like watch me get rejected for both 💀
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leaving for college tomorrow... it doesn't feel real at all :')
#am I excited. idk. mostly I feel terrified and confused.#I got together with a friend the other night and he straight-up asked 'do you *want* to go to college??' and I was like '....yeah. I think.#I mean I need to go.'#and that's all I've got right now tbh.#it's going to be ok. I keep having people tell me that. people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine.#that I have a history of making good choices and I should stop second-guessing myself and everything around me.#but isn't that pride? to believe you'll make it out alright? shouldn't you always be a little bit afraid?#but I'm sick to death of being afraid.#I've wondered around in fear for ever it feels like. I'm ready to grow up and get out of it.#I'm ready to live in the real world. the question is how.#gurt says stuff#personal#college survival
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sorry if i am weirder than usual right now GRINS EVILLY but not too evilly. i dont know whats up with me today but its like a whole thing it might be the four hours of sleep if im honest
#ive been awake for 12 hours im realising hmmmm#i did all the dishes then cleaned the mop & took a shower. i am now lying down until my feet & back stop hurting#bc like. ok i did the dishes but in the sense that i got them dishwasher ready right. i still need to get the dishwasher going#but since my mother never lets anyone else do it i dont know how to. ill figure it out though of course. grown ass man.#feeling very physically disabled atm bc. i am. but also feeling accomplished. i intend on cleaning my room as well#no ones home so.. smiles#but yea idk why i decided to do all thst. ive been jittery & antsy & like i need to do everything forever at once#& im also socially weird(er than usual) i can notice it but theres not much i can do about it bc the urge to yap.#its nothing HARMFUL i dont think since im not getting mad at ppl yknow im just a bit of an odd thing right now#do u forgive me for being a weird little mentally ill freak 💞💞💞💞😊🐏 say yes im nice
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ive decided that andoras almost always has crazy makeup and wigs on simply bcus its fun for him. and everin doesnt see him without any of it on until after the birthday party debacle and loses it slightly bcus she thought that was his real hair the whole time wdym youre BALD (hes not bald his hair is just short)
#my post#the wondrous oc tag#madineau#the lore is stored in the tags#world so beautiful. i love making shit up about my ocs#did this partly bcus i wanna include more ridiculous hairstyles in this bcus i realized that i can#and this is perfect for andoras bcus he literally doenst do anything all day anyways. so he just gets up spends half the day gettnig ready#and then spends the rest of it hanging around ev and bothering her#theres a bit of bright colors and markings like aposematism. like watch out hes toxic do not approach#like ev gives a shit though#ANDDDD ive managed to incorporate MOON SYMBOLISM. bcus god what is this story if not just the moon a thousand times over for no reason#(the reason is it was like 2 am i was delirious on sharpie fumes and got really emotional about the moon out of nowhere)#so like when hes first introduced his makeup includes a new moon. new beginnings and all that#during the birthday party hes got a 1st quarter moon. for intention. bcus thats when ev and an get a little normal about each other#and an specifically realizes oh hey. i actually liek this person. and i think she likes me too. i dont want this to ever stop.#smilesss he realizes this while theyre dancing. and ev is laughing and relaxed and SMILING for once and an wishes he could watch that smile#forever...#dreamy sigh. ive had that scene living in my head for years now#i think i came up with that after reading knifetrick. bcus i loved the party scene soooooo much <33#where was i. right moon makeup.#so in the very very very end andoras has a full moon#sealing of intention slash continuing the cycle. because its implied hes gonna overthrow the government and kill the current leaders#thats a big jump from where we just were. bear with me here a lot happens in this story#like the birthday party and that tender moment. is interrupted by the rev squad showing up and trying to convince a crowd of people to#murder ev#which more or less works pretty easily btw. they all just go 'ok bet' as if they werent attending HER party.#its fine its whatever its ok. ev doesnt think theres anyone she can truly trust but she does so anyways and just prays they dont turn on he#bcus the only people she has left in the world are her 2 advisors who hate her and her best friend who also maybe hates her
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honestly genuinely sometimes you need to get ur heart broken. like. it's healthy, it's good. it's learning and growth. some ppl need to get theirs broken a bit more. myself included
#i need more heartbreak so this one doesn't feel so consuming yk#it will get easier each time#because now the ones before this...i look back slackjawed like. u were in grief for so long over THAT?#THIS is a real heartbreak this one makes 100% sense why i'm going crazy the way i am and the length of it etc#but the 3 before this i'm like..ok dude...u were together like 3 months max..#lmao i just have a problem w taking things more seriously than i should#my lead was like 'u need to go on dates it doesn't HAVE to be anything serious u can just go Out and meet new ppl'#and i was like yeah i Do Know that i just am not ready for that this is really hard i've only been in 3 relationships#AND BROOOOOOO THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWED.................#she had that 'oop--' look on her face lmao#she thought i was more experienced than i am 😭😭😭😭😭😭#like no girl i'm an incredibly anxious homebody..!!!! my body count is ONE. it's gonna stay that way for a WHILE lmao#glad i give off vibes of someone who's done more tho
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Uh oh it’s bed time I’m starting to get my existential crises and worry about the fragility of life
#listening to the caretaker probably isn’t helping#it’s so odd going from being young thinking I wouldn’t get older#but now I am and I’m not even old yet knowing one day it will all be gone is so sad#things will get old and decay#I’m not ready for when my parents eventually lose their minds as elders#oughhh life is weighing me down again#one day I’ll be forgotten as well as my family in just a few generations#ok going to bed fr now
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#i cannot Believe i am having to buy locking boxes to keep my food and belongings in at home#bc my mother (who is also my 'caretaker') (heavy use of air quotations) refuses to stop stealing and/or throwing out all my shit !!!#my food and my clothes and my literal everything#cannot respect boundaries cannot respect me honestly at this point dont think she understand what respect even is#and sure as fuck isnt capable of giving it#so like. fuck my entire existence i guess :-)))))#stole all my food last night yet again#now dont have anything i can have bc im too low on spoons to cook anything#and she ate all my ready-made and microwave options so :-)))) guess i get to starve#bc i cant afford to buy anything#gr8. cool#fuck my entire life truly i cant w this woman anymore#she truly has a mindset of 'everything in this apartment including u as a person belongs to me bc i pay the majority of the rent'#ok go fuck urself actually#u massive fucking bitch#jfc#guess im not a human person bc im disabled and my disability $ isn't enough to live off independently#i'm just like. a fucked up pet u can neglect and abuse however and whenever u want#that's fun.#how about i kill myself#not even exaggerating#shjsshdjdk#jfc i'm DONE#ask to tag#ableism#abuse#idk lmk if i need to tag other stuff#negative#suicide mention
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