#ok maybe i just resent reading about a straight man who does not love his wife pretending to care about a wedding to his wife who very much

[firebuug]

i think i will rewrite the de/////xter book series but to be gay and less stupid

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

just because you’re afraid it doesn’t mean you’re broken.

Titans 3.05

once more into the cold dark void of the internet with my stream-of-consciousness take on a superhero tv show...

spoilers ahead.

1. i cannot believe that among the first things i get to hear in this episode with my own two ears is the line 'eluded our overdudes'. why must you give me such pain along with so much joy, show?

1.5. scarecrow stringing jason along on this path to red-hood-dom is not something i would’ve ever expected, but does kind of make sense. 

1.55. i don’t know all the details of the original resurrection arc in the comics but i like that jason, weirdly, has a greater role to play in his own demise and rebirth? i think it makes it easier to draw a line between his past trauma, the demonstrably shitty and terrifying responsibility of being robin, the ways bruce and the titans wronged him, his responses to that, the reasons he turns to scarecrow, and his final evolution to red hood. it makes for a smoother character arc rather than a one that was interrupted for two decades before somebody went oh hey let’s resurrect that kid that the audience once voted to kill and make him an anti-hero!

1.75. what’s crane giving him? anti fear toxin? anyway, crane is a fucking creep and i’m not sure i want to see a whole lot of him on my screen.

2. oh, um, heads up: there’s a long sequence of unsteady cam + flickering lights right after the title card upto the 3:16 mark. it’s a bit headache-inducing so if you want to skip, you can go ahead and do that. 

2.45. that’s... weird... why would he dream about... donna...

ok, who am i kidding. i’m going to jump right into my theory about Why Titans Makes Sense Actually because the show itself is apparently not interested in explaining itself:

a) it makes no sense for jason to be conjuring up donna--who famously did not care much for him!--in his dreams. (he wasn’t even there when she died.) or for her to be telling him don’t go or there’s still time.

b) this leads me to think that that’s actually donna, in some sort of limbo between life and death, the kind of place where jericho used to be

c) rachel has demonstrated that she has the power to link the minds of the titans across great distances--she called jason and hank/dawn for help in 2.01, she linked up everybody later in the season, projected dick’s hallucination of his father into their brains without even realising she was doing it, and in the finale, she managed to get dick into conner’s brain. she’s in themyscira now. is this how she gets donna back to life? but reaching out to her in that non-space between life and death?

d) the next obvious question is: why isn’t donna appearing in the dreams of the other titans? she probably is, but they have better reason to be dreaming about her since they were actually close to her, unlike jason.

e) but why would she warn jason in particular? does she foresee jason entering the afterlife--however briefly? does she have an idea of what jason plans to do and what he will become?

f) anyway, more trippy mindscapes and weird psychic powers, yay!

2.5. my heart clenched when bruce comforted jason post-nightmare: clearly i’ve been reading way too much batfam fic. this is a side of bruce we haven’t really been told to expect by all the characters on the show calling him a ‘psychopath’ (*cough*unreliablenarrators*cough*) and him getting jason to speak to a professional speaks volumes about the kind of self-reflection he’s done post dick’s departure, and maybe some of the regrets he has with regards to how he dealt with dick’s traumas.

i mean, just look at him when jason dismisses his concerns! BRUCE IS TRYING JASON

anyway, i have a whole lot more i want to say about this, but i’ll save it for later. 

also: LESLIE THOMPKINS!!!!

3. i really like molly--and i love that she’s a friend from before jason got taken in by bruce, the implication that they meet up regularly and that she’s a grounding influence on him (tho clearly not grounding enough to not go along with his dumbass idea about confronting a child trafficker alone). 

3.5. aw, jason. robin was his armour against everything in the world that would throw him down and chew him to bits, but san francisco proved that even robin wasn’t enough to protect him. it’s really interesting how ‘disillusionment with the idea of robin’ is so integral to the traumas of both dick and jason but in such different ways. 

4. LESLIE!!!!!!! i even forgive her office being so goddamn blue because leslie! 

4.5. it makes so much sense for titans!verse leslie to be a therapist, because this show is so inward looking anyway, and therapist sessions are a useful tool to showcase this character work in a story. besides, at least in fanfic, leslie often seems to double up as a counsellor anyway. 

4.6. oh man. i’m not terribly convinced by walters’ red hood (tho i think that may be the point--argh. i’ll come back to this thought later. have to stop getting distracted!) but he plays the asshole kid that’s trying not to let any real emotion seep through really well.

“you’d like me to punch you, wouldn’t you”

5. not sure what to think of batman’s little trophy case other than the show winking unsubtly at us and going look look - catwoman! the riddler! two face! you excited yet?! it’s like the scene from the end of amazing spiderman 2 when they were trying to drum up excitement for a sinister six spinoff by having harry osborne walk by a bunch of display cases with stuff from iconic villains in them.

... but then again, bruce does like to display a lot of shit in his batcave, including his dead robin’s bloodstained costume, so.

5.5. bruce is so soft with jason it’s killing me. beyond just trying to learn from his mistakes with dick, it speaks to his own genuine desire to balance his dedication to gotham with doing the best by his sons, although he’s often not successful with that. 

i love that titans is really playing the long game with bruce wayne, with each season and character-perspective sliding in fresh pieces of a bigger puzzle. titans’ bruce has always been a phantom of other peoples’ making, but now we’re getting the idea that he’s a whole lot more complicated than other people make it seem.

5.75. it really recontextualises some of his actions from previous seasons: the fact that he locked dick out of his security systems in 1.06 is likely his way of respecting dick’s independence and his desire not to be associated with batman/gotham anymore. jason knowing about bruce’s tracker while dick doesn’t is probably bruce trying to be more honest and upfront with his charges. bruce sending jason packing off to sanfran to spend time with the titans is probably not him passing on a big responsibility to dick (as i first uncharitably thought) but him trying to get jason out of the toxic influence of gotham for a while and a sign of his trust in dick as a leader and a mentor,

5.8. i mean, bruce is a prick, but he’s also human.

6. i think leslie is doing some good work with jason here, though she may have overstepped the line with her line about robin as a construct being projected by a man with BPD. her speculations about bruce’s diagnosis have no place in her session with jason, and if bruce confides in her, an egregious violation of patient-therapist confidentiality. 

(about the diagnosis itself... i don’t know. i can’t really confirm or refute this without a whole lot more information, and i’m not sure if the writer of this episode means BPD in the same way an actual professional might.)

6.5. i think a huge thing that gets missed out in a lot of recent comics as well as movies/shows is that bruce didn’t create the robin persona out of whole cloth. dick did. he’s the starting point of that legacy and to call it entirely bruce’s creation is blatant erasure of that. in fact, i’m surprised that dick doesn’t feature more in the conversations they’re having about the pressures of being robin. after all, the guy had been robin--bruce’s partner--for such a long time before jason. 

6.8. (and here’s the primal part of me that resonates the deepest with dick grayson--the Eldest Daughter part--that’s sort of resentful: that jason gets the therapy and softness and the learning from mistakes when it took years and years for bruce to reach out in any meaningful way to dick.)

7. oooh that was a great scene!

it’s fun to do these stream-of-consciousness live reactions, because the moment you step down from your soapbox, the episode goes right into tackling what you were just complaining about. bruce means well, he’s learning, but he goes about exactly the wrong way to help jason: taking away robin now can’t be read by jason as anything but a devastating judgment call from bruce. and iain glen really sells the moment that bruce realises this--too late--and his helplessness in trying to get jason to see that it isn’t jason’s fault that he’s trying to do this. he loves jason enough that jason is enough. 

7.5. aaaah so jason brings up the elephant in the room at last. dick got everything makes sense from his perspective, where getting to put on a costume and fight crime means approval, means being something stronger and better than you are. dick got to be robin, then nightwing, and a leader of a whole team of other costume-clad heroes. 

8. ... how did jason just walk into arkham????? this is ridiculous.

8.3. i mean, clearly jason’s not thinking straight, but betraying batman like this puts his possibilities of being robin again even further away. 

8.5. watching that chemistry experiment montage was strangely funny. this guy is looking for an antidote to fear? well, constantly mixing up and inhaling gases concocted by a mad-scientist supervillain is something only the very fearless--reckless to the point of foolishness!--would do. what’s to say crane’s not given you a formula for a drug that will keep you tethered to his every will and whim? hmmmm?

8.7. so he sought out the joker to... test the formula??? 

9. wow the “loud and clear... boss” hits different after a whole episode of them referring to each other as father and son.

9.3. waitwaitwait HOLD UP. wait a DANG MINUTE. you’re telling me that scarecrow had enough resources that he could not only have folks on the outside steal jason away and dunk him in a lazarus pit (i TOLD you that this show would bring up and dismiss ra’s al ghul in a ten second aside! I TOLD YOU) but also have his own little chemistry lab in the basement, AND have enough resources for jason to build his red hood persona???????? all of this in barely twenty four hours?

well there goes my ‘jason orchestrated his death’ theory. it was nice while it lasted. *cups hands to the sky* fly away, my baby.

9.6. a part of me is gleeful at the rushed nature of such an iconic transformation though, especially when compared to all the character work that went before it. we’re so used to getting the opposite that it’s fucking delightful to have a show that’s more interested in exploring its characters’ minds rather than battle scenes or recreating transformations from the comics. that’s taken such bold and exciting steps to fully convey all the nuances of its most recognisable character, bruce wayne, from casting an older actor to play him to unflinchingly showing just how damaging the vigilante lifestyle has been to him and the people he loves. BRILLIANT

*sporfle*

10. again, heads up: a whole lot of flashing lights between 40:28 and 42:00. 

10.3. i guess it’s the super-compressed timeline that’s really throwing me off. where did he have the time to get/develop the mind control thing from? or is it something that he got from the cabal of villains that he intimidated at the beginning of 3.02? very messy.

10.5. i love molly, i hope she shows up again this season.

11. aaaand that’s it! that was a solid episode as flashback episodes go, but now i can’t wait to return to the present.

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Hi, I love your blog! Can I request a cake, if you’re still doing them? It’s fine if you’re not though.

If you are, can you do it for a boy? I’m generally considered tall (I’m 5’7”) and I have really curly brown hair with green eyes and really pale skin. I’m Irish-American and I’m an Aries. My hobbies are; photography, reading thriller or historical fiction novels, writing fanfiction, and listening to music (specifically punk rock or really obnoxiously loud Irish rock). I’m quite shy when it comes to new situations or places and I have an anxiety disorder, so I’m usually quite anxious and generally considered quiet (which makes my music choices ironic). Before people get to know me, people think I’m a b*tch or that I’m cold because I tend to stick with the same people and not generally talk to others unless I’m forced. Even my friends have said they thought I was mean before they actually met me. I can be pessimistic at times, but I care about the people I’m really close with and I’ll defend them no matter the situation. I can be annoying, I overthink everything, and I am insecure about literally anything and everything about myself (from my body to my writing)

I’m generally considered one of the smarter ones in my friend group, usually my friends come to me when it comes to writing essays or having to read a book for class, since I’m good at analyzing things. I’m the friend that usually everyone tries to protect from things, from fear that I might “break” or something like that, which can be annoying but I know it means that they care. Though I would prefer that people be straight forward and honest with me instead of walk on eggshells or keep secrets, because contrary to popular belief, I can defend myself just fine. My friends say I have a hard time letting people in since I don’t want to end up hurt, so I have a tendency to keep people at arms length because I’m afraid to have my heart broken.

I don’t know if that’s enough information or if I over-shared (I have a tendency to do that), but if you are still accepting these kinds of requests, I hope this is enough.

🍰 for @lifewouldbebetteronmars

Hello my Aries sister!!!!

Romantic Matchup

Tsukishima Kei

How yall met

Ok be prepared to be shocked

But Tsukki needed a tutor

He was having a difficult time understanding the new topic they were doing in class

So the teacher recommended you as a partial tutor

At first he didn't really like you

It really wasn't anything you did

He just hated that he needed someone else's help

And he was kinda embarrassed about it

But as time went on he started to warm up to you

Some could even say he looked forward to your tutoring sessions

So when he didn't need you to teach him anymore

He tried to find excuses to hang out with you

He's just too prideful to say that he likes you and wants to hang out with you

And even though you knew that was probably the case

You didn't want to call him out like that

So you would just hang out with him whenever you could

And the bond between you two grew with every passing day

And eventually you guys started dating

What they love about you

He loves how intelligent you are

Tsukki is pretty smart himself

So if he thinks that your smart

Bb you're a genius

And although he resented your smarts when he first met you

He's come to realize it's one of your most admirable traits

He loves how you care so deeply for your loved ones

He knows you would do anything and everything for him

But he also knows you would do the same thing when it comes to any of your friends and family

Like he's literally seen you telling off somebody for picking on one of your friends

He made a mental note to be careful who he picks on that day

He loves how straightforward you are

Ok so this is Tsukki were talking about

He doesn't really like overcomplicated people or people he can't understand

And you are anything but that

Tsukki can read you like a book

Maybe its because hes spent a lot of time with you

Maybe it's because he pays more attention to you than other people

The world may never know

What you love about them

You love how he doesnt try to “protect you”

Now don't get me wrong

Tsukki would take a bullet for you if it ever came down to it

But he knows for the most part you can take care of yourself

So unless you specifically ask for help hell leave you be

You love that he understands your limitations

Tsukki knows you have anxiety

So he tries to make social exchanges as comfortable as possible

If he notices that your uncomfortable talking to someone

He’ll swoop in and remove you from the situation

However...

He tries to get you to step out of your comfort zone from time to time

He knows just as well as you do that being social is just apart of life

And he doesn't want you do always be dependent on him when it comes to being social

So he just gives you little nudges

Until eventually its like your anxiety never even existed

Favorite things to do together

STUDY DATES!!!!!!

Ahem anyways

Mans loves to have a good study date with you

It's really just you two doing homework and reading together

But he loves those little intimate moments with you

Late night walks

You guys take late night walks ALL the time

Once again it's nothing more than just walking round and listening to music

But Tsukki finds comfort in your presence during these times

Random Hc

The team was very very shocked when they found out you were Tsukkis gf

Like Tsukki + a relationship = error

Definitely got bombarded with questions when you met the team

He keeps some of the photos you've taken in a little box in his room

He proofreads all of your fanfics

One time it was your turn to pick the music for a study date

He was very shocked when hard core irish rock started playing…

When you guys first met there were a lot of moments when you just stared at eachother like

Because you didn't know how to talk to each other

Sometimes he acts like he doesn't know something just so he can be around you

Astrology

Aries + Libra

Compatibility 62%

However difficult it might be to reconcile these two natures, remember that this is a primal opposition that represents partners by signification.

Aries and Libra are the couple of the zodiac, as much as any other opposing signs, for they are each other’s seventh house, house of relationships.

Even more so if we acknowledge the fact that Libra is the sign of relationships in general.

Any problem they might have with each other is something to be worked on, because it shows what their personal problem with any relationship is.

When they are madly attracted to each other and fall in love, there is almost nothing that could separate them, no matter the differences.

Wouldn’t we all like to find the middle ground with our loved one? They need to work on their bond, that’s a fact, but their relationship is a promise of a perfect fit of two souls meant to be together.

Friendship Matchup

Tendou Satori

How yall met

You guys have been friends since middle school

You saw how other people treated him and you just didn't think it was right

So you befriended him!

You guys were attached at the hip all throughout middle school

Then he left for highschool while you stayed in middle school

Then when it was your turn to go to high school you had went to karasuno

So you guys lost touch

But then one day you saw a familiar head of red hair at one of your boyfriends matches…

It was Satori!

You were so excited to see him again that you practically sprinted over to him to reunite

He was so happy to see you again!

Ngl the entire Karasuno team was very confused on how you knew the guess monster of Shiratorizawa

Why you became friends

Like I said you saw how people treated him all throughout middle school…

So even though you were 2 years younger than him

You decided to befriend him

He was shocked by your kindness

And honestly a little hesitant

It wouldn't be the first time someone pretended to be his friend just to stab him in the back later

But for some reason he thought you were different

So he became friends with you

He was super sad when he lost contact with you :(

He always thought about how you were doing

But hey fate decided to bring you two together again

And it was like nothing changed

You both still had the same strong connection you had way back in middle school

What yall love about each other

He loves how out there you can be

Like there was a time where you two just blasted music in a park and just were dancing and vibing

He loves how your able to channel your creativity into your photography

He compliments every picture you take

Even if it's not a good one

He loves that how you look vs how you act are two totally different things

He won't lie to you you definitely have RBF Syndrome

(resting bitch face syndrome)

It almost reminds him how ushiwaka looks

But the difference is behind you rbf is a generally warm person

You love how fun Satori is!

Moments with him are always filled with laughs

Never a dull moment with that one

You love that he does not allow what others say get to him

Oh and on the days they do

Your right there to pick him back up and get him back to normal

Overall you guys love that you can depend on each other

Random Hc

Tsukki felt a little intimidated when he found out satori was your friend

Their rivalry during their game may or may not have had something to do with you…

You guys had homemade friendship bracelets as kids

And he kept his in his room even after you lost touch

Ironically enough he WILL NOT allow you to be insecure

He's like Insecurities we don't know her ❤️

Astrology

Aries + Libra

A friendship between an Aries and a Libra brings in the inherent polarity of the Zodiac itself.

The constellations of Aries and Libra lie opposite to each other in the Zodiac, at an angle of 180 degrees between them.

This polarity is displayed in their characteristic traits as well. Each sign has qualities that the other sign lacks.

Add to it the fact that Librans have a natural desire to be harmonious, and Aries and Libra form a relationship of great equilibrium.

The polarity of Aries and Libra could be described as self versus other.

But the differences go much further than that. Aries are impulsive, excitable, and willing to jump into things immediately.

Libra are indecisive, peace loving, and prefer a calm, quiet view of everything.

Star signs with opposite polarity often share a zealous relationship with each other.

In general, polar alliances turn out awesome when they are good, but rather challenging when they are bad.

Polarities could twist and knot together if the signs didn’t understand each other well.

However, Aries and Libra are a well balanced pair.

Libra are charming, well cultured, and have pleasing manners that could compensate for the brazen nature of Aries.

On the other hand, Aries are strong willed and decisive, which could compensate for the irresolute nature of Libra.

Aries could help Libra reach resolutions more easily and make them more spontaneous.

Libra could, at times, show Aries that they are not always as right as they think they are.

[casmybelovedass]

The Destiel Folder: Season 7

[Season 4; Season 5; Season 6]

This season is mostly Dean being a depressed bi who can't cope with his crush's death.

This is, in my opinion, the season where Dean actually starts realizing he might for real think of Cas as something more.

Episode 1:

Cas is basically gone, both Bobby and Sam (almost) are ready to compel to whatever he says, but Dean still tries to get him to come back. "You can turn this around. Please!" (3:13) Denial

Dean has no idea how to deal with God!Castiel, but desperate to find him, and getting emotional "I don't even know what book to hit for this." "Then figure it out!" (5:47) Anger

As we have said many times already, angels don't have a sex, Castiel is not a man, and as he states, he is "utterly indifferent to sexual orientation" (8:03), and so is Chuck, God himself, who has admitted having had both girlfriends and boyfriends.

Dean turns off the news the moment he hears a woman describe Cas as "young and sexy", while doing that jaw clentch thing of his (10:14) ... huh... [and this doesn't really matter, but after this we immediately see Dean in a purple flannel. PURPLE! Go Bi!Dean]

"He's not a guy, he's a God [...] Cas is never coming back. He's lied to us, he's used us, he's cracked your gourd like it was nothing. No more talk. We've spent enough on him." (11:09) Dean trying to jump to the 5th stage of grief. Yeah, no baby that's not how it works

Dean tries so hard to convince himself that Cas's gone so he can kill him, but can't really. "Just kill him now!" and struggles hard to hold Castiel's glare. And as soon as Death offers a second option to killing him, Dean takes it. Bargening

"Dean, look, I know you think Cas is gone." "That's because he is." (31:22) Again with trying to jump to acceptance. Not doing great, Dean. In fact, "Yeah, you know how I'm gonna deal? I'm gonna stuff my pie hole, I'm gonna drink, and I'm gonna watch some asian cartoon porn. And act like the world's about to explode, because it is." (32:17) There it is. Depression.

[Remember this: Dean has no shame in watching porn in front of his brother. Wait a few seasons and see]

Just moments earlier, Dean was all "That's not Cas, Cas is dead" and shit, and now he goes "What? You need something else?" worried-husband-mode the moment Cas asks for help (34:50). Also#MARRIED (35:16)

Bobby: "Where's Sam? It's go time." Dean: *looks back at Cas worried* (37:12)

MUST HELP HUSBAND (38:06) look at Dean's eyes!!! They're like 'It's okay, it's okay. You've got this.' "I'm sorry, Dean." Cas chose these words to be his last, thinking he was going to die. LOOK AT DEAN (38:21) ICWAW this would MEAN SOMETHING ELSE

"CAS! [...] Is he breathing? ... Maybe angels don't need to breathe." says the one who was going around saying Cas was gone for good. "He's gone, Dean." "... damn it... *tears up* Cas, you child... Why didn't you listen to me." #MARRIED (39:15) Then he goes "CAS?!" as soon as he starts breathing again. ICWAW, we would SCREAM "LOVE" in this scene

"Imma find some way to redeem myself to you *looks at Dean straight in the eyes*" "*looks at Cas up and down*... Alright, well, one thing at the time, come on. Let's get you out of here." "I mean it, Dean." *eye love-making* "... Okay." (40:30) ICWAW, oooohhh, the meanings this scene would have...

Dean's face when the Leviathans tell him Cas is dead. Again. (41:18)

Episode 2:

Dean looking at the Leviathans occupying Cas' body. The HATE (1:44)

"... okay... so he's gone. *shakes while tearing up* [...] Dumb son of a bitch..." (5:14) Here we go again... I'm fine, shut up

Dean picks up, washes, folds and keeps Cas' coat (5:23) SWEET

"You just lost one of the best friends you've ever had." this hurts me. "... I'm fine, really." (12:11)

"You asked me how I was doing? Well, not good." (38:54)

Episode 5:

Dean progressively drinks more as his nightmares get worse and he misses Cas more and more. 3 times we see him drink, only in the first 12 minutes.

Sam can tell Dean feels like shit, and bet one of those reasons is Cas "Like it or not, the stuff you don't talk about, it doesn't just go away. It builds up." (39:33) Yeah, and not only problems or grief... even love

Episode 7:

Not a destiel moment, but Dean totally got hit on by the waiter. LOL (7:30)

And again. What is it with men in this town and Dean. "We're looking for a necklace." "Romantic. *looks at Dean*" (12:17). Is it an energy reading thing or something? Can they feel the bi energy?

"The Campbell brothers. [...] They weren't actually brothers. That was a cover for their, uhm... alternative life style." (22:40) Huh... I guess calling your lover "brother" runs in the family

"Ever since Cas... I'm having a hard time trusting anybody." (40:44) ouch

Episode 9:

Dean is drunk/high on Leviathan juice, and the first thing he thinks and blabbers about, is Cas (19:48) "I don't even care anymore." Oooohh ICWAW... the possibilities for this scene

Episode 12:

Dean totally checked out that man in uniform. FIGHT ME (16:27)

Episode 13:

"You're head's not in it, man. When Cas died, you were wobbly, but now-" "Now what!!" (39:35) as soon as Sam mentions Cas' death, Dean gets snappy

Episode 17:

Dean keeps getting snappy whenever Sam mentions Cas

"OH my God the love of my life is alive!" (13:02-13:06)

Dean's face when Daphne touches Cas (13:25), and when he calls her his wife (13:41)

AND HIS FUCKING FACE TRYING NOT TO TEAR UP BECAUSE CAS DOESN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT HIM (14:16)

You mean to tell me that ICWAW this wouldn't be seen as a mini desperation moment from a man seeing his lover in this situation? Yeah, I don't think so

"What if you were some sort of... I don't know, bad guy." "I... I don't feel like a bad person." Dean's face is like "Damn right you aren't" (16:50)

"He betrayed you, this dude. He was your friend?" Dean looking at him... can't even answer the question (19:59)

Dean says Cas' betrayal is something he cant get over like everything else. And that he doesn't know why. "It doesn't matter why." "Of course it matters!" (20:25)

Dean gets visibly uneasy about Meg being so close to Cas (25:34) jealous boyfriend is jealous

Dean doesn't want Cas to remember, afraid he'll leave again (32:18)

"I've known you for years!" (32:34) poor baby. Also "You're an angel." "Uhm, I'm sorry? Is that a flirtation?" DEAN'S FACE (32:42)

Dean doesn't want Cas to be hurt by his own memories and past actions (33:00)

"You used to fight together. Bestest friends, actually." Yeah, look at that reaction. Let's see how he reacts to being called his boyfriend later on (33:09)

#MARRIED!!! I'll just leave this. No comment (33:41)

As Cas regains his memories, only 2 of the ones we see are not of Dean. And the only one we hear is the "I'm sorry, Dean." . That is what matters to Cas (and this looks like a slash video. Kudos to the editors) "I remember you... I remember everything." Yeah, no-homo save (34:35)

Not even an hour earlier, Dean was ranting about Cas betraying him, how he couldn't forget and forgive him, and now he is saying Cas did "the best you could at the time", but Cas actually feels guilt and doesn't want Dean to defend him, but Dean does anyway (36:53)

"We didn't part as friends, Dean." "*looks at Cas up and down*... So what?" "I deserved to die." the look on Dean's face (37:18)

Dean gives Cas his trench coat back. The trench coat he kept, folded and all the the truck, for weeks. And that's not even Baby. So he moved the coat, to always have it with him (37:26). I'm not crying, shut up

Also, here, have a deleted scene that breaks my heart

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Episode 20:

Let us all appreciate that one time Dean helped a lesbian flirt with a dude (24:27-25:03)

Episode 21:

Dean is devastated about Cas' mental state, that he did that to himself to save Sam. Look at his eyes in this scene (16:08). Also, Dean still resents Cas for the whole 'New God' crap, but it feels like the real reason is the fact that he left (19:18)

"Cas! Don't make me pull this car over!" "Are you angry? Why are you angry? *puppy eyes*" "... No I-I'm..." #MARRIED (27:28)

Cas says he won't fight anymore, but as soon as Dean's in trouble, he FLIPS

"The angels... they don't care... I think maybe they don't have the equipment to care." (31:49) Touchy much, Dean?, are you trying to convince yourself about that? It feels like he's making excuses to not let himself feel anything for Cas. "It seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart." ... OK, fuck everything, ICWAW this would totally be seen as romantic angsty reference to Cas

Cas is so lost in his guilt for what he has caused. He looks like a baby, and it gets worse when it comes to Dean

"Why should we give you anything? After everything you have taken from us? The very touch of you curropts. When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost!" (36:50) okay damn, ICWAW all of this would seem as if they were talking about a love relationship between the two and you can't tell me otherwise

'HURT HUSBAND-MUST PROTECT MODE' (37:17)

"The bone of a righteous mortal and the blood of a fallen angel" ... shut up, I'm dying over these clues (39:11)

"What are you gonna do, Cas?" Dean's eyes are begging him to stay. ICWAW, we would point that out without a shadow of a doubt (39:40)

Episode 23:

"Dude... on my car. He showed up naked... covered in bees!" ... come on, ICWAW this would be a HUGE deal (5:10)

"Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first." (8:51) LISTEN HERE. I study psychology, and one of the first things they teach you is that jokes are based on the truth. HOW MANY OF THESE JOKES WERE MADE?! HUH??!! (plus all the "Dick" jokes Sam made) Also Dean's reaction with the jaw clentch... just saying

Cas keeps stating he doesn't want to fight, but again, Dean's in trouble? FIGHT MODE

"*soft shoulder touch, puppy eyes, serves Dean a sandwich*" ... SOFT #MARRIED COUPLE (18:27)

"You got anything to say on the topic of dicks?" you'd like that, wouldn't you, Dean? (26:42)

Cas is afraid he will do something to cause Dean more trouble. Let's remember he chose what he believed were his last words to be "I'm sorry, Dean.", but as we know, Dean deals with feelings by showing anger... Cas gets upset and copes by playing twister... pathetic. "I can't help. [...] I destroyed everything and I will destroy everything again!" for a moment, Cas is lucid, and expresses his fear, but as soon as Dean gets angry with him, Cas gows back to hide in his world of crazy (26:47)

"I'm not good luck, Dean." "... You know what? [...] I'd rather have you. Cursed or not." Look at Cas' soft little smile as it grows. ICWAW, this would be read as another confession (32:38)

"I'll go with you." SOFT

SEE??! The MOMENT Dick threatens Dean, Cas goes full Angel of the Lord on his ass. MUST PROTECT HUSBAND (36:52) and the utter shock on Dean's face is priceless

And here comes PurGAYtory

[Season 8>>]

[tysonrunningfox]

Two Night Stand AU: Part 8

Sometimes, you finish things on a quest for feeling accomplished and end up not feeling accomplished but also things are done.  And it’s bittersweet, but like, in the baking chocolate way where sure they’re sugar there as a concept but god, at what cost? 

Ao3

“Knock knock,” Ruffnut cracks Astrid’s bedroom door and peeks inside, and thankfully Astrid notices the plate of pancakes in her hand before calling her out on her less than stellar knocking etiquette. 

“Those better be for me, I’m not in the mood to watch you eat pancakes.” 

“A peace offering,” she nods, handing the plate to Astrid.  There’s a smiley face of strawberries on the top pancake and it makes her think of oatmeal from a world ago, and her stomach feels like it’s twisting around a rock. 

“What did I do to deserve a peace offering?” 

“Did you tell her yet?”  Snotlout appears in the doorway, thankfully clothed, and Ruffnut glares at him. 

“Tell me what?” 

“The pancakes were to keep your mouth full while I very gently tried to tell you that well…” She exhales, and Astrid wonders when Ruffnut grew up and started trying to be gentle. 

Or maybe she didn’t.  Maybe Astrid is just fragile now, and it’s a relief when the thought makes her furious, some forgotten lick of heat and anger swirling in her chest. 

“What is it?”  She takes a bite of the pancakes, forcing it down even though it feels dry in her mouth. 

“Should I be here for this, or…” Snotlout points over his shoulder, “or I can go—”

“Just tell me,” Astrid snaps, the newly re-discovered edge in her voice making Ruffnut raise her eyebrows. 

“We really liked having the place to ourselves,” she says, “Snotlout is ready to take over the lease, and since I’m the primary name on the apartment—”

“Yeah,” Astrid doesn’t need to hear the dissertation about why she needs to move on from this stagnant phase, because it’s finally on repeat in her head again, the silent assertion that tomorrow needs to be different.  That she needs to make tomorrow different.  “You’re right, I’ll…start figuring it out.” 

“I told you she could take it,” Snotlout tells Ruffnut, “it’s Astrid, after all.” 

“Yeah, and she hasn’t been acting like Astrid—”

“She’s right here,” Astrid clears her throat, “and I get it, I’ve…kept your second bedroom occupied long enough.” 

“You can stay as long as you need to,” Snotlout nods, “like a day.  Two days.  Through the week, maybe—”

“I’ll…figure it out.”  She says, shocked when she actually believes it.  Or at least she believes she can believe it.  That she might be believable once again.  

The second bite of pancakes tastes better. 

“Ok, then,” Snotlout claps, “we can share boxes, if you want, I’ve got like, a fuckton of boxes at my place—”  He cuts off with a grunt when Ruff smacks him in the stomach.  “Hey, I’m being helpful—”

“What happened to you?” Ruffnut asks, risking her fingers to steal a strawberry off of Astrid’s plate. 

She thinks about telling the whole truth, but doesn’t want to cry about it.  She doesn’t want to hear about what an asshole Hiccup is.  She doesn’t want to think about him, and she’s starting to remember how to force her thoughts in a direction. 

“Apparently it took a near hostage situation for me to get off my ass.” 

“Or some good dick,” Ruffnut jokes, but she looks relieved, and Astrid wonders how long she’s had that worried frown for Astrid to be so used to it. 

“Wasn’t all that,” she lies, still not thinking about him.  Not remembering what he said as she was leaving, after he proved to be everything she hates.  Not thinking about how it hurt to hurt him, even though that’s stupid.  Beyond stupid. 

“Well,” Ruffnut pats her leg, “either way, we have to get ready for the party tonight.” 

“Shouldn’t I be finishing my application or looking for an apartment with a totally possible monthly rent of zero dollars?”  She laughs, a little overwhelmed, but after months thinking she’d never even be whelmed again, it’s not unwelcome. 

“All the responsible returns at once,” Ruffnut snorts, “it’s our last New Years as roommates, come on.  One last party.  Snotlout’s dumb pretty friends are invited, you can continue your successful streak…”

“Oh God, no thank you.”  She sets the half-eaten pancakes aside, “I’m good, on that front.  Dating profile deleted, lesson learned, focus regained.” 

“So it was horrible dick, then,” Snotlout muses, “you know, I always kind of thought something would happen with the three of us while you two were living together.  And now that the days—or even hours, you could say, are numbered—”

“Still my room,” Astrid points at the door, “both of you, out.” 

“All the bossiness back at once,” Ruffnut smacks Snotlout on the back of the head as she stands up, “and you, stop being gross.” 

“You love me,” he follows her, grabbing her butt, and her giggle makes Astrid’s chest twinge. 

And she doesn’t think of Hiccup.  She doesn’t think how for a night it felt like something.  How for a day it felt like friends.  How he looked at her like he saw her, like she was more than her recent mistakes. 

Because even if that were true, it doesn’t change what he did.  When someone tells you who they are, it’s best to believe them, and Hiccup showed his hand. 

And his foot.  And she wishes he’d never made it her business, but there’s no changing that now.  There’s just forward. 

00000

“Really, I think you’d enjoy it.”  The guy who can’t read social cues drones on even as Astrid tries to make herself as obviously uninterested as possible, nursing her third drink of the night and trying not to resent everyone else for having fun.  “I don’t understand the stigma so many adults have against animation, but really it’s a show about the bond between man and dragon, and the world building on an already beloved franchise is vast.  You could say chief-sized.” 

He laughs at his own joke.  The joke that she doesn’t get, or care to get. 

“And with the coincidence of your name and appearance,” he gestures at her and she doesn’t remember Hiccup saying she was pretty over a video call, “I think you could really get into it.  Plus, the romance angle.”  He chuckles and she gets the impression he’s going to reach for her, or something, and she wonders who invited him.  She was promised Snotlout’s dumb, pretty friends, not some guy obsessed with a kids’ show about dragons that he’s been harping on about for twenty minutes.  “A great slow burn between well, the beautiful Viking warrior and the late-blooming future chief.” 

He gestures at himself. 

Her mother always told her that if she doesn’t have anything nice to say, she shouldn’t say anything at all.  Her uncle always told her that was bullshit, and sometimes people need a reality check. 

The only problem is she doesn’t know what reality he’s living in, so she doesn’t know from which direction to apply that check. 

She blinks slowly and chugs the rest of her drink to avoid that decision. 

“You know, it’s polite to respond when someone is trying to have a conversation with you.” 

“Dude,” she stands up, “I’m just intimidated as hell, you know.” 

“Oh, no, Astrid,” he says her name like it matters more than the rest of her and she doesn’t think about Hiccup pleading it at her, saying if he’d known she existed, his life would be different, and it’s a cruel twist that some nerd sees fate in her materialization tangential to his fantasy.  It’s like she hasn’t existed while she’s been unseen, and it makes her want to scream. 

“You’ve got me built up into this whole…thing, and I’m really not.”  She says some sanitized version of what she’d scream at Hiccup if she saw him.  She leaves out the ‘yet’ that she thought he had the capacity to understand, even if only for a second. 

“No, but you are,” he tells her, and she hates that it’s not a line, that he’s staring through her and telling her who he wants her to be.    

Mostly, she hates it because she was hoping for that a week ago. 

She hates it because it’s easy to identify the pivot point where she stopped waiting for someone else to instruct her and started asking for more.  Better.  She hates how she’d have to precede her rant at Hiccup with ‘thank you’. 

Good thing that won’t happen. 

“Fucking hell,” she swears to herself as she flops on one side of the couch, wishing she’d thought to grab another drink. 

“Astrid, right?”  Someone approaches her, a tinge of concern in their drunk voice, and she looks him up and down. 

Handsome, nothing behind the eyes.  No wit or charm or jokes about Bundy paraphernalia that should have made her run. 

“Are you Snotlout’s dumb, pretty friend?”  She asks.  He smirks, but the concern grows too as he points at the open front door where two uniformed police officers are waiting. 

“I mean, I don’t really know him that well, but sure.  I can be.”  He grins, teeth straight and uniform.  And there’s charm there, sure, but it’s generic.  A mass-produced kind of ubiquity to it that’s comforting, like she could get it anywhere and be reasonably confident in the outcome.  “But are you Astrid?” 

“I can be,” she jokes, wondering what the nerd would have said to the same line.  She doesn’t wonder what Hiccup would have said because it probably would have been something obnoxious, like he could pull off ‘I know’. 

“No, I mean—are you the Astrid Hofferson secondary on the lease?  They’re looking for Astrid Hofferson.”  He points at the cops again. 

“Well, considering I’m coming off the lease this week, I think any noise complaints should go to Ruffnut Thorston, who is over there.” 

Maybe it’s the universe righting itself.

“No, they’re asking particularly for you.  Something about breaking and entering?”  Stupid-Handsome scratches the back of his neck and she freezes, smile turned waxy on her face. 

Of course not.  That would require too much luck.  Be too easy. 

00000

“Did you write this note, or not?”  The officer at the station asks for what feels like the hundredth time, and Astrid knows, finally and absolutely, that Thank You notes are stupid and that her mom is and has always been wrong. 

What are you even supposed to do when you get a Thank You note anyway?  Does it require yet another Thank You?  Is it just the start to a never-ending procession of false politeness that people had time for before the internet? 

A gift is a gift, an in-person thank you is enough, writing it down is just a legal liability. 

“I don’t know where you got that.” 

“That doesn’t answer my question, Miss Hofferson.” 

She should ask for a lawyer. 

She can’t afford a lawyer. 

Hiccup should have to pay for her lawyer for framing her. 

“Yes, I wrote the note,” she blurts, “but I did not leave it anywhere than I had broken and entered into—”

“It was found in a Mr. Johann’s apartment, inside of a broken window.” 

“Yeah, I obviously just left an eyeliner note behind after smashing a window.” 

“Is that a confession?” 

“It’s sarcasm,” she sputters, “I didn’t—who told you about this?  Was it a guy?  On the phone he sounds like he’s plugging his nose like a nerd who never learned to hold his breath in the pool?”  She doesn’t think of Hiccup’s voice.  Her heart doesn’t twinge like it’s been stepped on. 

“Let me escort you to the holding cell while I confirm our source.”  The hesitation is obvious, and she feels rooted to the shitty, cold, plastic chair. 

“What happens if I don’t ‘let’ you?”  She asks, half-wishing she’d taken the dragon nerd up on the offer to play Viking warrior in a back room, except even joking about that internally makes her feel claustrophobic, like there’s no room in her for any more complication. 

Like Hiccup is weaseling his way back in where he doesn’t belong and crowding her. 

“Follow me, Miss.” 

00000

The next hour stretches.  In fact, she’s not entirely sure that it’s an hour, maybe all seconds just feel like hours when she’s in a concrete holding cell next to a woman who has puked into a government provided bucket 4 times. 

This is going to look great on her medical school application. 

Why do you want to be a doctor?

Well, my time in jail really showed me that the public’s opinion on alcohol is irresponsible.  Alcohol poisoning shouldn’t be a social activity.  Except it should, because it sounds like something I want to engage in right now, given that I had to mention jail on a medical school application.  Also, I want to help people, or something, especially after all this time I’ve spent being helped.  Not that karma operates on an economic model of supply and demand, but also, from what I know about capitalism and upward mobility, I’m not taking any chances. 

“Astrid Hofferson?”  The officer appears again, asking her name like he didn’t just spend an irrationally long time confirming it.  “You made bail.” 

“That’s impossible.  I haven’t even made my phone call yet.” 

“Well, there’s someone downstairs offering to pay your bail.” 

“Who is it?”  She narrows her eyes, trying to remember where Ruffnut was when she left the party. 

“Some guy,” the officer shrugs. 

“That narrows it down,” she snorts. 

“Most people don’t turn down bail.” 

“I’m not most people,” she crosses her arms, getting comfortable on the bench next to Pukey McPukerson.  “Who is it?” 

“Some guy,” the officer repeats, “tall, skinny, saying something about convincing his neighbor not to press charges.” 

“No.”  She puts her foot down.  Or she would, if it weren’t already down.  It’s so down the ball of her foot is starting to go asleep from the hard floor and she lets the tingle anchor her. 

“No?” 

“I don’t want his bail.  Just give me my phone call.” 

“You’re turning down bail?”  The officer asks and she nods, “I…honestly don’t know what to do with that.” 

“I’ll take it,” Pukey offers and Astrid glares at her. 

“You just stick to your bucket.”  She grumbles, “you only get one liver, you know.” 

“Oh, you’re a doctor now?”  Pukey rolls her eyes and Astrid crosses her arms. 

“Not yet.”  The yet feels like fire under that numb foot and she nods to herself, more resolute in her protest. 

“So, you want me to go tell this guy that you don’t want his bail?”  The cop asks and she raises an eyebrow. 

“I’ll tell him.” 

“I’m not supposed to let you out of holding without bail.” 

“I thought you didn’t know what to do with me,” Astrid antagonizes.  She’s not even sure why.  She’s glad she’s white.  Not in a ‘it’s great to be white’, disgusting way, but a ‘this little emotional peak would have had devastating consequences if she weren’t white’ way. 

She’s entirely shocked when the officer lets her out, apparently taking her suggestion to let her tell Hiccup where he can shove his bail, and that’s how she ends up at the top of the stairs, looking down at him. 

He has balloons. 

He looks miserable.  Desperate.  All of the things that her pettiest side has always wanted someone to feel when she left, instead of the other way around. 

“What if I told you that I helped?  Would you lock me up with her?”  He asks, and the officer behind the desk coughs. 

“Are you confessing, or?” 

“Yeah, no, I have no interest in this particular bail.”  She points back towards the holding cell, “I’d like my phone call, please.” 

“Astrid,” Hiccup calls up at her, like he’s said her name a thousand times, and her fingernails dig into her forearm with the force it takes to keep her arms crossed.  “I—I didn’t know what else to do, you deleted your account—”

“Not this, you idiot.”  She flings the insult like it weighs more than it does, and he goes along with the charade, crumpling slightly in a way she wishes she didn’t notice. 

“I know.  I know, I just—I broke up with Heather—”

“I don’t care.”  She almost wishes that she would yell, to impress upon him how much she means it, but it comes out calculating.  No, more than calculating, like she knows the answers already, and she feels like a liar.   

“Please.”  He begs.  She should like it.  It makes her feel worse and she wishes it were easier to resent him. 

“Phone call.  Please.” 

She gets Ruffnut’s voice mail.  Pukey lives up to her nickname and pukes twice more.  She thinks about her applications. 

Why do you want to be a doctor?

‘Because no matter what has happened in my life, the idea of helping people has been a North Star.  Yes, I know I have a fucking criminal record for breaking and entering, but in my defense, I really had to pee.  Also, the guy who half-framed me used me to cheat on his girlfriend so…

So, it doesn’t matter that he’s smart and funny and that it felt like he saw me.  It doesn’t matter that he admitted he was wrong.  It doesn’t matter that no one has ever looked at me like they were desperate before. 

It doesn’t matter that I liked it, even vindictively.  Even cruelly.  Even in a last-minute attempt to feel like I wasn’t part of the problem.’ 

So, yeah.  She’ll get into medical school. 

As a patient. 

Because how else is she going to get the therapy she so clearly needs without health insurance? 

“Astrid Hofferson,” the officer returns, “you made bail. Again.” 

“Lucky bitch,” Pukey moans into her bucket. 

“Is it—”

“It’s someone else,” the officer sighs, “do you need to vet them too?” 

“I wouldn’t mind.”  She stands up, shocked all over again when the officer escorts her to the top of the stairs. 

Ruffnut is downstairs counting money and the relief is almost perfectly drowned out when she sees Hiccup still standing there, stupid balloon waving in the heater blasting over his head. 

“Is this bail acceptable to you?”  The officer asks and she nods, resolving to ignore Hiccup even as she can’t look away from the fact that even the top of his head is miserable. 

Good. 

He deserves it. 

She’s not sad that he was so stupid.  He doesn’t feel like something lost.  It’s…post-orgasmic hormones that make her want him to be better.  It’s just the result of a long, satisfying experiment that makes her want to accept an apology. 

“Parked the car,” Snotlout appears in the doorway, “paid for fifteen minutes, so can we hurry this up?” 

“Snotlout?”  Hiccup bolts upright, recognition in his voice startling him out of his situationally appropriate moping. 

“Hiccup?”  Snotlout freezes, “what’s—why do you have balloons?” 

“Why…don’t you?”  Hiccup snorts, miserable and funnier for it, “everyone knows that New Year’s Eve is balloon hour at the police station.” 

The TV behind the intake desk shows the ball dropping and Snotlout and Ruffnut move habitually, pecking each other on the lips, and Astrid thinks she’d rather be in the holding cell.  Maybe her bail can be donated to charity.  She could be the face of The ‘don’t online date instead of finishing things’ Foundation.  The ‘just because Grandma is on Facebook doesn’t mean there aren’t still people on the internet who can and will ruin your life’ Initiative. 

The ‘sometimes when you make your bed you do actually have to lie in it’ Charitable Organization, under the sub-heading of ‘Don’t have sex with people who might interact with your arrest record’. 

“Can we go home?”  Astrid breaks the tension, leaning into Ruffnut’s side.  “The meter’s running.” 

“But it’s Hiccup,” Snotlout whispers at Ruffnut, “you know my weirdo cousin—”

“Thanks for that,” Hiccup blushes and Astrid wants to ask why and to hit him and mostly, to never want to see him again, because it’s impossible to stop looking at him. 

“What have you been up to?”  Snotlout punches him in the shoulder and Hiccup looks desperately at Astrid again, undistracted by the distraction.  “Wait—no, you know Astrid?” 

“He got me arrested.” 

“I didn’t know her last name,” Hiccup defends himself, “Astrid—I—there’s no way in any brand of hell that I could stop thinking about you and—”

“You fucked Astrid?”  Snotlout claps his hands against his cheeks, “this is—Oh my God, I don’t think I’ve seen you since high school graduation and now you’re the guy my girlfriend’s roommate hooks up with—”

“Snot!”  Astrid snaps, “let’s go.” 

“Astrid.”  Hiccup stumbles between her and the door, stupid balloon slapping against a corner.  “You have to listen to me.” 

“Hmm, ok, I’ll listen to you when you’re a witness against me, in court, because you got me arrested—”

“That was one time!”  He yells, too loud for a police station, “sorry, I—too soon, I get it.  I get it.  I—we had two nights together.” 

“Because of a blizzard.” 

“Whatever, I don’t—”  He reaches for her but thinks better of it and his hands shake between them with the desire to make his point.  “We had two nights together and yes, I should have told you about Heather.  I thought about it, but I couldn’t—I didn’t want to waste a second—it might not work out.” 

“And he sees sense,” her heart falls anyway, with all that saturated green staring at her, all that intensity that she can’t make unfamiliar in her mind.  “Let’s go, guys.” 

“No, no.  Please.”  He’s smart enough to only tap Ruffnut on the shoulder, “it might not work out, because two nights is…an insufficient trial period.” 

“I’m not a Netflix subscription!”  She snaps, and he has a way of making her certain that she wants to cling to, no matter how stupid that is. 

“No.  You’re—if we spend more time together, you might realize that I’m…insufferable during game shows.  And I might learn that you’re…really into weird cartoons that I hate.” 

“You did not just say that!” 

He read her mind again, and it’s not allowed. 

“Can we move this along?”  An officer indicates and Snotlout ushers them towards the door. 

“Fuck. Shit.  Fuck.”  Hiccup sputters, “not at you, not at anyone, I just—you can’t storm out again.  You can’t.  Not without hearing what I have to say—”

“You got me arrested.”  Astrid growls, “I spent the last few hours in a cell with someone throwing up, I—this is going on my record, how am I getting into medical school now?” 

“You’re applying?”  He grins, too wide, too bright, and she’d hit him if she could trust herself not to enjoy the authenticity in his reaction.  “That’s—I didn’t know what to do—”

“Not get me thrown in jail?”  She proposes. 

“Can we potentially leave jail out of the argument for why you never want to see me again?”  He winces even as he’s talking and she recognizes the face she’s felt herself make too many times, unwilling to stop even though she’s behind.  “For now, at least.  I truly believe this will be funny later, this is something we’ll laugh about—”

“Jail.”  She re-iterates.  “Like with bars. And cops.  And a single phone call.  Actual jail.” 

“I think it’s one of those jokes that needs time.”  He’s defeated.  She hates it.  She hates herself for hating it. 

“Ok,” she takes her phone from the evidence box on the nearby counter and hands it to him.  “Give me your number.  I will call you the second this is funny.” 

Which is never. 

“Ok,” he nods, and she refuses to look at his quick thumbs programming his number into her phone.  She refuses to see whether he’s Hiccup or Princess Outpost, because it doesn’t matter.  She’s not going to text it. 

“Ok.”  She takes the phone back. 

He hands her the stupid balloons. 

“So…bye,” she makes herself say it, waving him towards the door. 

“You’ll…” He swallows the rest of whatever he was about to say and she shrugs. 

He leaves. 

It’s different being left when the other party doesn’t want to go.  Less lonely.  More permanent, if only for her choice being implicated. 

“Sorry about that,” Astrid says reflexively to the officer who’d dealt with her in the cell and he holds a hand up. 

“That guy was nuts.” 

“Can I get his number though?”  Snotlout asks, scuffing his shoe against the linoleum.  Astrid blinks at him.  “What?” 

“You’re so stupid,” Ruffnut fills in the gap, hugging Astrid a little tighter, and Astrid’s going to miss her.  She’s going to miss this entire miserable, unending, painful period of her life, isn’t she? 

Closing doors always hurts, even when they need to be closed.  Even more when they don’t. 

“He’s my long-lost cousin, and I learn that he’s Astrid’s hostage dick?  I’m curious—”

“Snotlout.” Ruff cautions, careful again. 

And that’s not what Astrid wants.  She doesn’t want people to be careful, she wants honest.  She wants…

She blinks back a frustrated approximation of a tear and looks up at the stupid balloon Hiccup gave her.  One side reads ‘I’m sorry’.  The other reads ‘I’m an asshole’. 

She laughs. 

Not a cynical laugh, but a real bubble of something from underneath the layers.  Her intuition taking the reins. 

“Fuck,” she sits down in yet another shitty plastic chair, pulling up her contacts and finding Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III (an awful name).  His address is there.  So is his social security number.  She’d steal his identity and start over if his name weren’t a bodily function.  “You guys can go.” 

“Are you sure?”  Ruffnut asks, but there’s relief there too. 

“Yeah, I’ll get you back for the bail, ok?” 

“And you’ll get me Hiccup’s number—”

“Snotlout, go.”  She orders him like she has the authority and it seems to work.  And then she calls Hiccup.  It gets through half a ring before he’s picking up, breathless and pathetic and like he needs her.  She doesn’t know if she’s ever been needed, but she likes it.  “You are an asshole, for the record.” 

“Recorded.” 

“And an idiot.” 

“Yeah.” 

“And next time you decide to attempt romance, at least practice your speech first because that was awful.” 

“Basically, I was forced to endure it while like, astrally projecting above myself to judge myself.”  He laughs, sound husky in the speakers, and she thinks he’s outside, in the cold.  “It was awful.” 

“In the spirit of constructive criticism, it was appalling.  Truly.” 

“I’m sorry I put you in jail.”  He answers, authentic, and when she looks at the police station door, he’s outside, watching her hold his stupid vulgar balloon while the officers probably judge her sanity. 

She hangs up and steps outside, not surprised when he kisses her even as she doesn’t expect the tenderness in his hand against the back of her neck, the soft desperation in his lips. 

“Too soon,” she pushes him back, fingers staying fisted in his lapels, largely outside of her control. “You got me arrested.” 

“But have you considered how much tougher you seem now?”  He jokes, gloved fingers twined in hers as he tugs her down the sidewalk. 

“Absolutely,” she snorts, “already thinking about how to incorporate this into my application.” 

“Well, don’t worry about Mr. Johann’s interpretation,” he squeezes her hand and she squeezes back, sure of herself for some reason she can’t be sure of. 

“Oh yeah, did you kill him?” 

“Totally.” 

“Without me?”  She teases, and it’s a new year, the snowbanks on either side of the street barely soot-stained. 

“Too many witnesses out here,” he scans the empty street, “your place?” 

“To be fair, I don’t really have a place, I have a bed for a couple more days of Ruffnut’s charity.” 

“Oh, I only ask because I don’t have a place either,” he says it like he means it and she believes him because she wants to.  Because it feels instinctive in a way she feared she’d forgotten. 

“You’re a catch.” 

“Yeah,” he snorts, and she squeezes his hand first this time. 

“I think I’m ready for that kiss now.” 

“What if I don’t like your prison breath?”  He tucks her hair behind her ear, fingers strong and hesitant under her jaw. 

“Probably shouldn’t have sent me to prison.” 

“Fair enough.” 

[cosmiciaria]

Star Wars Jedi Fallen Order review! (Spoiler free)

Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order (SWJFO) appeared out of fricking nowhere and to everyone's surprise, it was a striking success? How? But… EA was so bad at making SW games!! I don't see micro transactions and… is this… actual… plot… with actual… good characters?? I'm shooketh.

So, yes, SWJFO is a good game! It's not perfect, it has its flaws, yes, but considering where we come from… Battlefront II I'm looking at you.

The game takes place between Episode III and Episode IV. I won't say it's a "bridge" between those two Episodes because it isn't, and some may argue that talking about Jedi in the middle of those two pieces of media doesn't take you anywhere, since we all know what happens next, but let me explain to you: the story fits so well. So well.

We follow Cal Kestis, your average ginger Good Boi, who's a padawan in disguise. It's been five years since Order 66 and he's been hiding all this time in Bracca, a junkyard, where he works mostly enslaved by the Empire. His good pal Prauf tells him he should go outside and explore the galaxy, since he's young and cute probably, but Cal is so scared of being found and he's suffering such a huge survivor's guilt that he doesn't take any action to leave that planet.

It all seemed to be like another ordinary day of work, dismembering old ships and searching for useful parts, when the wing that Cal and Prauf were working on suddenly falls from the body of the ship, and Cal, who hasn't been using his Force since the execution of the Jedi, is forced (pun intended) to save his friend from falling to his death. Prauf understands the stakes, and swears to keep the secret.

However, destiny seems to hate him, because the Inquisitors (the Second and Ninth Sisters to be more precise), an order of Jedi-turned-to-dark-side that serves the Empire, arrive at Bracca, looking for a remaining Force-wielder who hides among the workers. Prauf steps up for his comrade, only to be impaled quite literally in front of Cal. Cal loses his composure and snaps at the Second Sister, revealing his nature as Jedi, and so the hunt begins.

Cal faces the Second Sister, who menacingly swings her lightsaber with red emitters, but he's too weak to defeat her. Just when we thought that everything is lost, a new spaceship arrives: the Mantis, and a woman reaches out from the main gate, asking us to jump. Cal doesn't think twice, bids farewell to a very angry Second Sister and jumps into safety.

Inside the Mantis, Cal meets his saviors: Cere, a former jedi who purposely cut her link with the Force, and Greez, a lateros who is the owner and driver of the ship. Cere goes straight to the point: she's been looking for Cal (or any other Force-sensitive to be honest) for years now, because she has a clear plan: to rebuild the Jedi Order.

From here onward, the game opens up. You'll be visiting Bogano first, which is the sanctuary more or less of Cordova, a dead character that will have a great impact on the whole story. Cordova was Cere's master, and he's worked and compiled information about the Zeffo sages and other interesting mythos from around the galaxy. Cordova swears that in the ancestral chamber in Bogano, sealed by ancient technology created by the Zeffo, lies the Holocron: a cubic thingy only readable for Jedi, that holds key information about the names of the kids who are Force-sensitives. With this list of names, Cere plans to bring back the Jedi and strike back at the Empire.

So the main objective is to get this Holocron, but to get there, you'll have to go to many planets and explore many nooks and crannies. I won't spoil it for you, because I try to never spoil in my reviews, and like I said before, it may sound like this goal doesn't make any sense since we know they don't succeed in rebuilding the Order (hell, not even with Rey and it's been a whole generation since then), but hear me out: the story still fits so well! PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS ONE

So instead of talking about the plot, let's talk about the characters!

Cal will be your main character. I read that some people think he's boring, ok, I can take that. The reality is that there's so much more to him than just his dashing appearance (alright, maybe I am biased, since I love red hairs) and his kindness and good-boy-ness. Cal is deeply regretful by his actions during Order 66 and he can't forget nor forgive what happened to his master. He feels remorseful and blames himself for the outcome of the purge. He has a scar on his face that constantly reminds him of it. He's a clear case of survivor's guilt syndrome, and it doesn't take one much to see it. I won't say when or the context, but there's a moment in which he has to ride a escape pod, and he looks around, nervously, as if he's going to suffocate, because it reminds him of the purge – man, there's a lot not said that really touches you. I don't need a character to tell me that he's sad. He can show it to me and that's exemplarily well done with him.

Another example of a sad character, more in-your-face this time, is Cere. A former master, now devoid of the Force, Cere wanders the galaxy with a clear goal in mind. But in her past, she hides torture and some too-close-for-comfort connection with the dark side. She wants to redeem herself and she trusts that this sacred mission will, not wipe out, but compensate for her mistakes. Cere is a great north in this game and she always supports Cal in everything. Her unconditional trust may seem overwhelming at first, but she's careful and she knows with what they're all dealing with. Besides she's badass af.

Greez is a less warrior character but much funnier than the rest of the cast. As the owner of the Mantis, he takes care of this ship as if it were his daughter. He has a knack for cooking and even though he tries to hide it, he does have a soft spot for Cal. Maybe his past of gambler and addiction makes him come across as the one who doesn't give a damn of what's going on, but if that were truly the case, he wouldn't be here, trying to rebuild the Order as well. He has by far the best lines in the script, and he's so unintentionally funny. There was this scene, out of context, where Cere and Cal were having an argument while eating, and he was sitting in between, in the background, adding peppermint or whatever spice to his dish, but the thing is, he never stopped throwing peppermint to his dish because he was watching them argue. Damn. I love him.

Merrin is introduced later in the game, but she does play a large role in the story. Born and raised in Dathomir, Merrin is a Nightsister, an order of 'witches' let's call them that have twisted the Force and use it in a different way than the Jedi. After General Grievous (as much as we assume, because he's mentioned as "armored man wielding lightsabers") wiped out all the life in Dathomir, Merrin remained as the sole survivor of her planet, roaming around the corpses of her sisters with no goal whatsoever. She resents the Jedi and has sworn to fight them even if it cost her life. This led her to get in with a bad crowd… but she'll find a better purpose after she meets Cal (And if you ask me, this SHIP HAS SAAAAAIIILLLLEEED).

And last but not least, the Second Sister, who, as I said before, was a former Jedi who was forced into the dark side, now hunts the remaining Force-sensitive that have escaped from the purge. She seems your ordinary villain at the start of the story, but slowly the plot will be unfolding a lot of details about her past and how she became an Inquisitor, making her as much, if not more than, important like the rest of the cast.

If there's thread connecting all these characters, is their broken pasts. These are all broken characters who now must face the consequences of their decisions, however much they don't want to look that way. They have to reconcile with their pasts and overcome their fears. They have all suffered, but in this suffering they found strength. And each other.

And I cannot not mention BD-1, your companion droid. He has personality, you can't deny it. Every time Cal went like "How is it going, BD-1?" and the droid threw his "Boops-beeps", please, they're having a profound conversation DON'T INTERRUPT THEM.

As far as gameplay goes, this game borrows from other great creations of the PS4 era: Uncharted (you'll be climbing and doing parkour a lot), Tomb Raider (sliding down and tomb raiding, yes), Dark Souls (meditation/save points where you can level up your skills and also whenever you die you lose your exp gained, but not the ability points. You can recover that exp though), and Sekiro (parry. Parry a lot). This may seem to all of you like the game lacks originality, and while it's debatable, I still think that it has a lot new and original gameplay to offer, specially when it comes to Force wielding and lightsabers. Oh, yes, you're a Jedi (padawan, actually), you'll be using the Force! The game tries really hard to integrate the Force not only in combat, but also while you explore and while you solve puzzles. The more you level up, the more powerful your abilities become, and it comes a point when you feel unstoppable. The Stormtroopers might sound cocky at first, but when you start pushing and pulling, oh, yes, fear the Jedi! So yes, the game may look like a copycat of previous works in the gaming industry, but it does make a good use of all those mechanics, while still throwing something new elements into the mix.

The level design is ASTOUNDING, sometimes I turned around one corner and appeared somewhere I thought it was like miles away from my place, and I was marveled at how well everything interconnects with everything. The level of detail also is so meticulous and well crafted, like there are so many little things that if you stop to stare and pay attention you'll be so mesmerized by them. Some of the places are so eye candy, even Dathomir with their "I AM DEATH" vibes has such a beautiful color palette, that I couldn't help but take a thousand screenshots. This game looks gorgeous, and it shows. You know, when a game has a photo mode, you know the devs are convinced of its beauty.

But, like I said earlier, the game isn't without flaws. While I praised the intricate level design, there's also one thing I hate a lot: backtracking. Yes, in these huge maps, there are no fast travels. You can create shortcuts and such, but, if you want to get to that 2% that was left unexplored in that particular area, you must return to it by foot. This is a huge let down for me. I did the game with a guide, so I grabbed most of the collectibles during my first time in each planet, but still there were some things that I missed, and I had to go all the way there to revisit places with the only purpose of grabbing that stupid chest or filling that small percentage of the map, while trying to survive against the enemies, since everything in this game, everything, wants to actively kill you. Damn, Cal was wanted.

Another huge drawback for me that it normally doesn't bother me much were the low framerates. I played it on normal PS4, not the Pro, and the rendition of the game wasn't good. I wasn't even fighting or doing a lot of stuff on screen, I was just climbing and chilling, and still the framerates would fall like under 20. When there a lot of things going on screen, the game suffers from it and it makes you know that the play station is giving its all to make it function. I believe this isn't a problem for those who have a nice computer and play it with the highest specs, but as I know that there are people out there who really care about the performance, I had to at least mention this.

Also, do not come here thinking that this is an open world game. Yes, granted, you can travel from planet to planet with no real rush and take things with time, but the maps are mostly linear (except for the interconnections between each area), and once you explored or got all chests, that's all there's to it. Now that I have completed the game and platinumed it, the planets feel barren, empty, like there's no real life breathing through the leaves or the rooms. And I think I know what this game could've benefited a lot from: sidequests. There are no NPC's here, except for some Wookies at that moment in the story or your crew members, so there's no one to give you a sidequest. But even without NPC's, they could've thrown sidequests from the different collectibles that you come across in your path, or maybe when on arriving at a certain place. There's like one thing that gets close to a sidequest and it's exploring a crashed Venator in the planet Zeffo, but that's all there's to it: more of the same killing, climbing and cutting ropes. If you're a rookie collector, then yes, this game got you covered, for there are over 200 collectibles (I think over 300 actually, considering echoes and chests and scans), but it's not like there's anything in between these, except for enemies. No banter with your crew members while you walk around, some occasional beep boops from BD-1 only.

I think those are my main complaints, but all in all I believe that the good compensates the bad. The last "mission" is reaaaaally good, and they did something I really like, which I won't spoil. I'm just going to say that I'm so glad with the decisions they took. The relationships between the characters grow vividly before our eyes, and we see Cal develop from a frightened fugitive into a fighter. There are moments in the story and in the gameplay where the game made me go like "whoa", I was truly amazed by what was going on. The acting is flawless, the music gets under your skin and the vistas are just dreamy. There so many easter eggs to appease even the most hardcore SW fan! They could polish all the things I said, but if there's another SW game developed by Respawn and with that writing team, I'll be there to buy it.

It's not perfect, but it's good. Give Cal a chance!

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 21 - The PTSD is strong with this one & we need more braincells

Hello hello! Welcome to the commentary. How’s everyone? I’m frozen solid because it’s mid-June in Spain and yet we had 11°C yesterday. Fucking awesome!

I AM NOT WEARING MASCARA SO I CAN CRY ALL I WANT. I DONT KNOW IF THATS GOOD OR BAD THO.

Can I just take a second to appreciate how much this big strong powerful men emote? I mean, I know this isn’t western media where the tough guy can’t show emotions, and I don’t know that eastern media has the same hangups about men emoting but just... it’s so refreshing.

Huaisang bb you’re so sweet.

Oh, oh the PTSD is strong with this one.

Also, bless both JC and NHS, they absolutely noticed WWX flinch and, in their own ways, went and steamrolled over it so WWX wouldn’t feel scrutinised.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BROADCAST TO INFORM YALL THAT I GOT A KITTEN ON MY LAP. (She’s kneading my boob, which, ow, but...)

*BICHEN GRIIIIIIIP*

How do y’all think the guards go deliver bad news to WRH? Like do they paper-rock-scissor it? Draw straws?

NMJ did you have to?

And once again I wonder what would’ve happened if JFM had let sect leader Yao kick it.

Ughvhfnevus it’s this clown. Same as with Su She, if you see a bunch of screaming it’s just me not wanting to listen to Jin ZiXun.

The Nies: let’s throw a banquet to honour WWX’s return

Every asshole there: *gossips about WWX while in the room with him*

Once again I wish I could transmigrate (and speak mandarin lol) and just start delivering tongue lashings.

Listen, I have no idea how to play Guqin, but I did play the guitar for years and even from here I can see how much YiBo’s hands don’t match the melody. Nothing against him but why does this always happen? I know they got classes, so was the music not written by that time or something? Because one thing is not hitting the correct notes, another is plucking slow notes when the tempo is much faster.

JC: Since yours and LWJ’s unhappy separation...

My dumbass: do you mean breakup? *eyebrow waggle*

You will pry my “JC knows his brother is pinning after LWJ, he probably doesn’t want to know anything else” hc out of my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch.

WWX: *spouts a bunch of misdirection to avoid giving JC a straight answer*

JC: Bull-fucking-shit.

Should I count how many times WWX PTSDs all over the place or would you like me to leave your hearts intact? That’s two so far.

Ok ok, I feel that, if someone with a bit less trauma and a bit of insight (NHS maybe?) had seen the bit where ChenQing fucking hurts Shijie thing would’ve gone differently. I mean, yes, LWJ keeps warning WWX that this shit is gonna fuck him up, but as I said in my previous commentary LWJ also has the communication skills of a hermit crab so that wouldn’t work, and JC would be too wound up and WWX too busy trying to conceal his lack of golden core for that conversation to go anywhere. But if someone who WWX knows is a good egg (I’m not gonna say trusts bc paranoia) had sat him down and told him “your new instrument that you use for your new form of cultivation just hurt the person you love most please be careful when you use it.” I think it would’ve worked wonders towards his health overall.

I know Shijie says it’s like Zidian, but she’s not working with the fact that this thing is made for and by the Dark Side of the Force and I’m sorry but I can’t help but see ChenQing as a bit of a horrocrux almost. Or like, if you like me think the Burial Mounds is an Entity, something that’s a bit more sentient that it lets on.

Speaking of reputations and NHS being a good egg, I have oh-so-many ideas (I won’t say plot bunnies because I can’t write for shit) in which NHS for Reasons (time-travel? Letter from the future? His massive brain?) realises just how much damage WWX is doing to his public image. And he might be a sheltered dandy, but he saw what being the son of a sex worker did to Meng Yao despite how hard he worked (I’m assuming he doesn’t know about the whole betrayal business). This is way fucking worse, like hell is he going to let one of his best friends paint a target on his back. So he pulls back his sleeves, engages his slytherin brain and proceeds to lay down a plan to throughly destroy WWX’s reputation as a powerful genius.

I’m guessing LWJ and JC protest, and maybe WWX, and NHS just hits them with “do you want him respected or alive?” And they shut tf up. He glues himself to WWX, and brings up as many instances in which their behaviour can be compared as he can (we got drunk and punished at cloud recesses, we slept in class, we skipped to go fishing, I don’t carry my sword either). And, because assholes be assholes, people like Sect Leader Yao or Clown Cousin are quick to start spouting their own derogatory bullshit and thus WWX the untamed powerful prodigy dies a fiery death. Now he’s just a mouthy kid with a quick mind that “does tricks instead of battle” (I’ll never get bored of using that Thor quote). I also like to think that people who personally know WWX and are not pieces of shit go give NHS a tongue lashing for messing with what they thought was his friend, NHS takes that as a test of good eggness and bring them into the plan. Soon the whole Cloud Recesses class is swearing up, down, left, right and centre that all the shit WWX has ever successfully pulled is just an insane amount of luck and quick thinking.

I don’t know how would they work him into the battlefield (disguise? Mask?) to unleash his demonic cultivation but that’s Plot and I don’t do that.

Also, because I’m a terrible human being I want to say that people assume LWJ is on “pretty but useless” WWX like white on rice because *insert derogatory comment about being good in bed and sexual favours*. Because y’all know the assholes here are Like That. And WWX is horrified because holy fucking shit he’s gonna drag LWJ’s reputation down, he can’t have people thinking HGJ is ok with having him as a concubine pretty much. But before he can act LWJ politely all but confirms that yeah, he’s tapping that, y’all wish you were but he doesn’t share and none of y’all are good enough for his Wei Ying anyway. CUE FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I AM INDEED TRASH FOR THAT TROPE.

Muahahahaha y’all thought I was gonna devolve into my personal hcs and not include my fave trope? Shouldn’t y’all know me better by now?

(Btw I like this bit ^ so I might polish it a little and post it separately as well, just a warning if you find yourself reading an eerily similar post by me)

WuJi is playing and LWJ is pining so much. Also, if LWJ did not just realise that, just like Yu the Great, WWX had no other option but tame resentful energy I’ll eat my blanket.

I refuse to believe Jiang Yanli didn’t become the unofficial war camp therapist/sounding board/only sane person/everyone’s mum/I just need a hug and a corner to cry in peace. There are not enough fics about Shijie being her gentle BAMF self while in the camp and it’s a pity. My crops are dying y’all!

Also, I will fight anyone who scoffs at Shijie being the epitome of the “gentle woman who cooks and waits for the men to come back from war”. Look at her mum, do you think it is easy for a kid (she was a kid in the flashback when WWX ran away) to see that day in and day out, to have that as a “role model” and decide that she was not going to be like her mum? That she didn’t like what she saw in her so she was going to be kind and gentle? And do you think it is easy for a person barely in their twenties to deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse for again, being gentle and kind, and not grow a hard shell of bitterness to protect themselves? And to keep being gentle and kind while at war, with your parents dead and your siblings unraveling before your very eyes? Shijie is so fucking strong and I love her.

Hey look, the White Walkers!

“Resentful energy is just energy” ok, valid. But my dude, you’ve got black ghost smoke coming out of you and can hear people screaming in your head. I’m not saying it is evil, like someone’s uptight set in his ways arrogant uncle; but it sure as shit ain’t healthy.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH (that’s a Clown Cousin scream btw)

Ok ok, just one little thing: IF SOMEONE ELSE CALLS WWX WEI YING AS A SHOW OF DISRESPECT IMMA SCALP THEM.

...are those crows eating that man alive? Yikes on bikes.

(Assume my comment about YiBo’s Guqin playing also goes for Xiao Zhan and his flute. I can’t play the flute but the tempo doesn’t match his fingers)

I’m just gonna say it, I think 3zun (well, 2zun as of now) suspect shit went down badly for WWX, that’s two questions by both of them in a very soft conciliatory tone. They are genuinely interested/worried about the topic, and don’t seem to come off as chiding or judgemental. I mean WWX is a weirdo irreverent kid and they’re sect leaders, they outrank him so much it’s ridiculous. I’m also counting the fact that both their baby brothers like him towards them being so kind. But I also think WWX just triggers all their big brother instincts the second he walks in.

Oh there’s a thought, Shijie, Wen Qing, NMJ and LXC take a look at everyone’s shitty parents and just decide to adopt everyone.

What happened at Yiling was a traumatised teenager (is WWX even 20?) PTSDing all over the place with the Dark Side of the Force whispering in his ear and an all powerful trinket at his disposal. Not saying I approve of all the torture and murder but he clearly isn’t revelling in them.

That is some outstanding bit of big-brothering on LXC’s side and I love it. Also, my dumbass just realised LWJ probably wasn’t quoting WWX when he was being punished (what is white what is black?) I think he was quoting his big brother. Which is magnitudes deep too, but in a different direction and I might love that scene even more.

Ok fuck it, I’m gonna tangent. So I had a terrible boyfriend when I was 15-18. He alienated me from my friends, sunk my self-esteem to the molten core of the earth, tried to convince me my parents were abusive and encouraged (aka threatened manipulated and cajoled) the slow tanking of my high school marks. I have A Problem when I see media where someone latches onto their significant other and everything they are shifts towards that person. Now, love, true genuine love, is powerful, and I believe it can be the catalyst for shifting your world-view for the better. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t have a problem with people sticking with their romantic partner if it is clear their previous “family” is so much shit. I don’t have a problem with LWJ coming out of his shell and defying corrupt precepts because his love for WWX made them see they were wrong, or getting sassy and unrepentant during his punishment (I have a problem with the punishment bc that’s abuse but...). But I do side-eye WangXian being the only thing in their orbit. People need people, and WangXian have other good people around them. So I kind of love that yes, WWX showed him the system was corrupt, but it is the words of his brother he is sticking by to the defy said system.

Let’s go back to our scheduled slew of held pinning glances shall we?

LXC after That awkward run-in: WangJi I wasn’t gone that long, what the fuck did you two oblivious pining idiots do?

(LXC has “bitching” tea sessions with Shijie and you can’t convince me otherwise)

LWJ: *is being dramatic and not knocking on WWX’s door*

Me: oh my god you fucking idiot

Shijie: *walks in*

Me: oh thank god someone with a braincell.

Ah yes, there we go triggering WWX’s paranoia again. Why would he get a break.

OH MY GOD YOU PAIR OF FUCKING IDIOTS. THATS IT, FUCK THIS SHIT IM OUT.

@ LWJ: bitch wtf was that? I know you’re shit at talking but have you thought about writing it down? Letters anyone? It worked for mr. Darcy.

(Yes LWJ is mr darcy and now I want an au where LWJ writes WWX letters and just pours everything in them, WWX finds them, any everything is sunshine and rainbows)

While this bullshit fight/misunderstanding is all on LWJ’s shoulders, I’m also going to scream at WWX. Because yes, he is in PTSD hell, but he trusted LWJ before, and yet he can’t get past his perceived notion of LWJ’s character (and his own inadequacies) to trust him again and ask for help. Plus, you know, he thinks he doesn’t deserve he’ll bc *waves hand at WWX’s trauma conga line*

These episodes can’t be good for my BP.

Thanks for reading!

[vxmorpheus]

The Crossroads to the beginning. P1

Tw - blood, and mentions of miscarriages

LONG post

"I... just don't think we can do this anymore, Eli. We can't just keep pretending nothing's happened," Michael spoke solemnly as he packed his clothes into his suitcase.

Eli stood by the door, fighting tears back, "you don't have to leave though! We can work things out, maybe-"

"No! ... no, Eli. We've tried working this out for 5 years, but you keep miscarrying! I-"

"Excuse me?! Are you blaming this on me?! It's not like I'm fucking trying to! I want a child just as bad as you do!"

He shouted back, "well it sure as hell doesn't seem like you want a kid!"

"So, you're saying I'm doing this on purpose?!"

"Yes! I don't think you ever wanted one in the first fucking pla-"

Eli slapped Michael hard. Hard enough that it jerked his head to the left, "get. Out."

He put his hand on his face, "Eli, I-"

"GET. OUT. GET OUT RIGHT NOW! LEAVE!" Eli screamed out. Michael jumped in surprise, then scrambled to close his suitcase and left quickly. Eli followed him to the door, slamming it shut behind him. She put her back against the door and slid down until she was sitting on the floor with her face in her hands. She sobbed into her hands before bringing her legs up, hugging them to herself for comfort. Eli didn't know how long she sat there crying, but by the time she got up, it was nighttime. She set a kettle onto the stovetop and walked to the window, looking out on the city... it felt much more empty and quiet now with Michael gone. "What am I going to do...? How am I going to pay rent...? I can't work..." the kettle cut off her ramblings to herself. She poured some of the hot water into a mug and put a teabag into it. Eli made her way to bed, walking by the spare bedroom that was meant for Michael and her baby... that was never to come. When she stood in the doorway of their bedroom, she stared at the empty king bed for a long time before turning around and going to the couch. She couldn't bear to sleep in that bed all alone.

Over the next couple of months, she and Michael got divorced. Which was easier than expected given there was no child to fight for custody of. She had also found out that he had actually been cheating on her for 3 months before he left her. She was pissed, not at the other woman, but rather at him. He was a coward. He was a liar. He never stood by Eli's side after each miscarriage. She was always left to heal by herself, to take care of herself even when she wasn't supposed to be walking and bending. She resented and hated Michael, she was actually happy she never had a kid with him... but she still wanted a child.

The money she saved and the money she got from the divorce helped her pay rent for some months while trying to figure out what she would do for income. One night, she was binge-watching a show with paranormal/supernatural themes and one of the characters went to a crossroads and summoned a demon then made a deal to save another character that was in a coma. Eli sat up slowly and thought, "if... maybe... I can do that... and make a deal for a job..." she grabbed her laptop and changed the channel to something else. She began doing research into crossroad demons, she had heard of them before but only for famous people. While she did research, the news played a recap of the election results... "Gabriel Kenward is the confirmed winner for governor. He and his wife are goi..." Eli zoned the tv out while reading steps on how to go about summoning a crossroads demon. She read up on every single website she could handle, even the ones making fun of people for looking or trying to summon a demon. Her eyelids felt heavy as she was reading a website specifically made for the supernatural practices, she could only read two paragraphs before she passed out on the couch. She felt herself falling in her dream, making her jerk awake. Eli sighed, annoyed, and got up, setting the laptop onto the coffee table. She walked around the couch to the kitchen to get some water, but... something felt off. She paused at her refrigerator and looked around. Everything looked normal but the air felt different for some reason. Eli shook her head and grabbed a glass, putting it in the water dispenser on her fridge. There was a pause... then liquid poured it into her glass before she yanked it away. Eli stared in horror at her fridge before looking at the glass, which had blood in it.

"You going to drink that?" A voice behind her asked humorously. Eli whipped around to see... something... sitting on the kitchen island. It was like her brain couldn't understand what she was looking at. "Didn't your mom tell you staring is rude?"

"I-I... wh...what are you?"

"What you're looking for," it took the cup from her and downed the blood, making Eli shudder in disgust.

"W-What do you mean?"

"Oh please, dear, you can't be that stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I'm a demon, idiot."

"I am not an idiot! How the fuck did you get into my house?"

"Hah! I'm not inside your house. Well, not in the traditional sense. I'm in your dream. This is a dream, sweetheart."

"Don't fucking call me sweetheart. What do you want."

"Ooh feisty, I like that. It's not what I want, it's what you want," it jumped off the island counter.

"You are not what I'm wanting to summon."

"Yes, yes, I know. But, I can tell you how to properly summon a crossroads demon. Just be sure to mention me to him, hm?"

"What else do you want?" Eli snapped back.

It held its hands up, "oh, my dear, nothing. I just want to be mentioned. Might get me a promotion."

"... a promotion...? What the fuck? What does that mean?"

"It doesn't matter, just listen..." it leaned into her and whispered.

Eli sat up quickly, the sun shining into the living room and her phone blaring loudly to inform her that her friend was calling. She picked up the phone and talked to her friend for a bit before agreeing to meet up at a cafe. She quickly got ready and called a taxi, thinking about her dream the entire time. By the time she was snapped out of her thought, her friend was shaking her arm. Eli looked at her friend surprised, "what?"

Her friend gave her a concerned look, "how are you holding up? You're really out of it today." She took a sip of her coffee, "like... what's goin' in your brain right now?"

"What would you want if you made a deal with a crossroads demon?"

"Oh, you finally got to that episode? Hmm... money or fame. What about you?"

"To be in good health and have a fun and fulfilling career..."

"Huh, don't you want a kid still? I thought you'd ask for something like that," she froze for a second. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I-"

"No, no... you're right... I never thought of that..." Eli sat back in her chair and idly sipped at her frappe.

"Uh... anyway... h..."

Eli had zoned out for the rest of the day until night fell. She gathered everything she needed to summon this... demon... The idea of summoning a demon made adrenaline pump through her body. She wasn't sure if it was fear or excitement... or maybe both? Eli put everything in a bag and grabbed a butcher's knife before heading out. She looked at her cellphone GPS where she marked down a crossroads that was relatively outside of town and away from busy streets. Eli shoved the butcher's knife into her bag when the taxi drove up to her. Eli showed the man where she wanted to go and he gave her a weird look that said 'ok but why?' He took her to where she said and asked her as she was walking into the dark, "are you ok lady? Are you sure this is where you wanted?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Leave," he quickly left as Eli made her way crossroads. She opened a box she brought. "Ok... to do this successfully..." She took out the knife and took a deep breath before cutting her thumb a bit, smearing the blood onto her own photo and onto the white yarrow flowers. Eli closed the big and dug a hole, burying the box in the crossroads.

Nothing happened for a bit, making her the slightest bit embarrassed, but her body got the chills like something was behind her. Eli was the type to hate being scared in such a manner, so, not caring that this was probably a demon, she spoke, "I swear to fucking God, if I turn around and you are right behind me, I will not hesitate to punch you." She heard a quiet chortle and then some steps backing away from her. Eli was prepared to see something monstrous and scary, but... this guy was... normal looking? It looked just like a man in a nice suit with silvery-white hair.

"You actually did this in a proper way... so I guess I can't trick you too much... how may I be of service, love?" His eyes flashed red for a moment and he gave a sharp-toothed grin as he leaned back into a tree.

"Love? Did you just call me love?" The demon nodded, "don't fucking call me that, you mean nothing to me. You are only a means to an end."

"Oh my, so rude to somebody who's just tryin' to help," he looked slightly taken aback by her blatant honesty but tried to keep a straight and cool face. "Who told you how to do the summoning correctly? It's a rare treat."

"I don't fucking remember its name. It was a demon that came into my dream and told me to do it this way."

"Ohhh, my friend... well... I guess I did promise him a promotion if he got someone for me... anyway! What is it you need?" He pushed himself from the tree and took a step towards Eli, an evil look of amusement in his eyes. Eli held the knife like she was ready to fight someone to the death, "love, even if I wanted you to kill me or severely injure me, you wouldn't be able to. Humans can only exorcise demons and harm them with religious artifacts."

"I don't give a shit, I'm putting up a fight whether it matters or not," she said through clenched teeth. He continued walking towards her nonetheless, making her back away slowly until, in the most cliche way possible, she felt a tree blocking her path backward. He got up close, his body touching her body, and looked down at her with a smile.

He grabbed her chin and made her look at him, "did you just summon me here to fuck around with me, or are we making a deal, dear?" He grunted and looked down, seeing the knife stab into his left side. He looked back at Eli with amusement, "I told you, you can't hurt me. You have no power in this situation. Also, this was a brand new suit, ya know, now I have to take it in to get it fixed."

"Let me make it more expensive for you then," she took the knife out of his side and stabbed him again in a different spot. Then she took it out again and cut his shirt, cutting him in the process.

"Stop," he spoke aggressively, her antics starting to get on his nerves. He pushed himself away from her and looked down at his ruined suit, "are you fucking kidding me? Come on."

"Don't get into my space without consent then," she snapped.

"Humans and their consent... jeez..."

"Excuse me? Listen here you little shit," she marched towards him. He took a step back in surprise by her boldness. Eli was so much smaller than he was AND she was just a human, so why was he slightly scared? "Consent is important to have, it makes it so both parties are enjoying whatever they are doing. If one party says no, it means no. Say, 'no means no', right now."

"What on this forsaken p-"

"Say it. Right now," she held the knife up at him. There was silence between them, just eye contact. They stared at each other for a long time... it could've just been 30 seconds or it could've been 10 minutes. Time was insignificant to the demon and the human before him didn't seem to care either. She was going to keep going. Nothing was going to stop her from whatever her goal was, not even him being an asshole.

Holy Hell... she's... beautiful... what the fuck...? He thought to himself. "No means no," he finally spoke and broke the eye contact.

"Damn right," she only slightly lowered the knife, watching him with suspicion, which she had every right to do.

"L-Look, lady... I do not have any intentions of doing anything to you. Not anymore, at least. Just... what do you want?" He spoke softly to her.

"I want..." she lowered the knife all the way down. "I want a child."

He choked on nothing, "w-what!? A- what?! A child?! You could literally have a bunch of money or fame or the love of your life or-"

"I want to have a child," she spoke more sternly and with determination. He was beyond confused. Usually, humans always wanted the same things; money, power, love, etc.... but a child? He's never heard a human ask for a child. Having a child because she wants to bring a new life into the world... was that selfish? Humans are only selfish beings... was there selfishness in this request?

"But why? Just go have one yourself or like-" he stopped speaking, seeing tears in her eyes. "I-It's not-! It's just-! Fuck! I don't know!"

Eli sniffled, "do you really think I haven't tried to have a child of my own? Do you think I would just summon a demon just because I could? You have no idea what I've been through to have a child of my own! I-"

Suddenly arms wrapped around her, strong arms that felt... comforting and held her close, "I-I... You're right... I-... I have no idea what you've been through. But... I can tell that death follows you... so, I can gather an idea of what's happened... but I can't ever truly understand how you're feeling." He made a surprised sound at himself. Why was he comforting a human? Why was he being so nice? He was nearly 6,000 years old and here he was... hugging and comforting some human woman he's just met. He expected to be stabbed by Eli again, but nothing happened besides the sound of the knife clattering to the dirt. Now was his chance. He could do anything to her and she... 'no means no... no means no... no means no...' he repeated in his head. He felt her face shove into his chest and heard her sob loudly. He looked up above the trees at the stars and the moon, some clouds drifting by slowly. The demon rubbed her back idly while glaring at the sky. 'What are you doing to me. What are you planning', he thought into the air, directed at the big man himself. After some time, Eli pulled away and apologized, "no, no... you don't have anything to apologize for. I-If anything... I should be apologizing to you."

"Hah... a demon apologizing..." she sniffled and bent down to pick the knife up, he put his hand onto hers, keeping her from lifting it.

"I'm sorry," he said to her quietly and then took his hand away. She stood up and looked at him with surprise, but there was still suspicion in her eyes. Eli slowly put the knife away into her bag while watching him carefully for any movements. He looked down to the ground, "I don't intend on harming you in any way, but I understand why you're suspicious of me... I still want to grant your wish, so to speak... make a deal."

Eli perked up, eyes wide, "w-wait, really?"

"Yes... I'm sure it's against the rules though... but... I'll just break one rule. For you."

"So... I get to have a child... one that'll live a good long life?"

"I cannot guarantee the good part, but a long life I can."

"What is the ultimatum? 10 years?"

"Ah... see... that's the issue... since I'm breaking the rules for y-this... I have to cut it down to 5 years... n-now I-"

"Deal."

"Excuse me? We haven't even talked about how and when and all that other stuff."

"I don't care, just... deal. I'll take it."

"It's really reckless to just run into a deal without finalizing everything first. A demon could pull tricks and make terrible rules..." he put his hands together and then slowly opened them, a scroll appearing in flames in his hands.

"Well... are you going to do that?"

"No," he untied the scroll.

"Alright then... where do I sign?"

"W-What? You're just going to believe me just like that? What if I'm lying? I'm a fucking demon for hell's sake!"

Eli stared into his eyes for a short while before bringing them down to the scroll, "I trust you."

The demon stared at her for a while, feeling his non-existent soul swell, "...alright... so be it... sign here with your blood." She nodded and took out the knife, it still had black demon blood on it. She poked the tip of her pointer finger, using it as a way to sign. After she finished, the demon looked at her signature, "Elisa... a very nice name... joyful... it seems about right."

"Just call me Eli. What do you go by?"

The demon rolled the scroll closed, tying it up once again, then making it burst into flames, "the deal is done. Just... call me Sam."

"Alright, Sam it is then... what happens now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like... how am I going to have a kid? It just happens or like..."

"A-Ah, right... in the traditional way humans have children."

"Should I go to a club, a dating app, or like... what?"

Sam felt the hairs on his neck stand up, "no! er... I mean... a club would probably be the best fit..."

"Is it already determined who's going to be the father?"

"You see, this would've been stuff to talk about before you signed the deal. Well... nnnnnnnnnoo-yes. Yes, the father is already determined."

"Can I ask who it is? Like what's his name?"

"You'll know it when you see him."

"...Alright..."

"Why are you not afraid?" Sam blurts out. He clears his throat, "I mean... like not afraid to go into the dark, in a place you don't even know, and summon a fucking demon."

"I don't have anything to lose," Eli said flatly. Sam winced slightly, "I need to get home. It'll be a long walk home... thank you for helping me even though I stabbed you a couple times."

"N-Now wait a second. You don't have a ride? Or a car? What about a taxi or whatever that taxi service thing is called on your cellphone."

"It uh... it died. I'm just walking... I don't drive either, so," Eli shrugged and turned away, about to make her way out of the trees. Sam grabbed her arm and pulled her back, accidentally(?) a bit too close, "what the hell? Let me leave."

"No! I... I'll take you home. There are weirdos and bad people driving at night on the highway, I can feel the sin..." he lied.

"What? ... I... uhm... I guess... but how are you going to take me home? I don't imagine you have a car, do you?"

"No, I have something better. I'm a fucking demon. Er... may I hold you closer for safety reasons?"

Eli raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms, "just don't try anything with me."

"I won't," he took a deep breath, pulling her closer to his body while he repeated 'no mean no' in his head. He closed his eyes, "close your eyes and don't open them until I say so, no matter what you hear." He opened his eyes and looked down at her, she had her eyes squeezed shut. He nodded and mover his left art out and forward, holding it above his head before making a slow cutting motion downwards. A rip in reality formed, the inside of the rip showed hell and its lovely glow of flames. He stepped into the rip while holding Eli as close as possible, "do not open your eyes." He repeated as the sounds of screaming and torture began. She buried her face into his side and started holding onto him as well. Again, his non-existent soul swelled up and he gave Eli a comforting squeeze. Sam successfully made it to the other rip that was made without running into any other demons. He stepped through that rip and looked at a door to a house he presumed was Eli's house. "You can open your eyes."

Eli peeked an eye open, "where..." she looked at the door, "home... where did you take me?"

"What do you mean?"

"The screaming place," she pointed behind her and started to turn.

Sam panicked, sealing the rip shut immediately, "You can't look at it! It's dangerous! It could damn your soul, trap you there, all sorts of things could happen!"

"Why would that matter? Am I not damned anyway for making a deal with you? I know I go to hell after the 5 years are up."

"W-Well yes... but no... I... If that happens you won't have a kid!"

"Fuck... yeah..." she looked down at the ground, a small smile playing on her lips, "this isn't like some fucked up dream right?"

"N-No. What? Why would it?"

"It just feels unreal..." Eli pulled out of Sam's hold and walked up to the door, digging the keys out of her pocket. Sam reached out slightly, her not noticing at all.

"Well... it's real... I'm glad you're happy," he followed after her.

She unlocked the door and started turning around, "I really am... I really am happy." Eli jumped slightly and looked up at Sam who was behind her. They stared at each other for a long time before he dove in and kissed her, pushing her slightly against the door. Eli's eyes widen in surprise before closing them and kissing Sam back. She reached behind her and grabbed at the air for the door handle, finally getting it and opening the door. They pulled away from each other, both of them flustered, "t-thank you, S-Sam... maybe see you again?"

"A-Ah... y-yeah... of course..." he rubbed the back of his head, "I'd... I'd love to see you again..." He knew it was against the rules to see her again. But... what's two broken rules to a list of nearly 400? He started walking down the stairs. She gave a kind smile, closing the door slowly before pausing and opening it again.

"Sam."

"Oh! Yes?" He turned around, surprised to see her at the top of the steps, eye level with him.

Eli grabbed his tie and pulled him to her slightly, "come here."

"O-Oh? Oh! Ohhh..." he let himself be dragged into the house. "Eli... is this... like... I don't want to get the wrong idea... but..."

"Maybe, play your cards right," she said playfully, still pulling him by the tie. "Take your shirt and coat off," Sam did so quickly, handing them to her, "go sit in the kitchen." He nodded and went there as she did whatever with his shirt and coat. She came out with a white box and walked over to him, "you said I couldn't hurt you because I'm human, right?"

"Yeah... physically."

"Well... that doesn't matter to me. I don't care if you heal faster than normal or it doesn't hurt or anything. It's the principle of the matter," Eli opened the box and pulled out some first aid supplies.

"Eli, you don't-"

"I want to! I... I want to," she got a wet washcloth and started cleaning the dried black blood. The room was in comfortable silence for a good long time before Eli broke it, "I'm sorry for stabbing you twice, cutting your chest, and ruining your new suit..."

"Yo-"

"But you kind of deserved it."

Sam blinked and looked down at her, she was concentrating on the left side stab wound. He laughed, "yeah... I kind of did." He watched her work carefully as they made idle conversation. She was treating him like a person and not some creature that could tear your body to pieces... and he... kind of liked it. Demons never really talked to each other, let alone have personal conversations. Sam put his hand on his chest in surprise, feeling a throb of something or some emotion he's never felt before or hasn't felt in a very very long time.

"Are you ok?" Eli looked up at him with... worry in her eyes?

Sam tore his eyes away from her, "Eli, I need you to get away from me, right now." He warned.

"But, I'm just trying to help you. Why are you getting hostile?"

"Eli, p-please, get away from me. Please. I don't want to hurt you."

"Now you're threatening me?" She stood up and crossed her arms, "in my own house?"

"Eli, you aren't understanding what I'm saying. I need you to get away from me. For your own health and safety," Sam started shaking. "Please, I'm begging you."

"Tell me what's wrong. What's happening?"

"For fucks sake, Eli!" He got off the chair and took a step towards her, "I need you to... get... away from me... right now. Go! Get out of my sight! Hide!"

"H-hide?" Eli took a step back and looked at Sam closely, "o..oh... Oh!" She spun on her heel and ran down the hall and to the master bedroom. 'Ok... closet... no that's too obvious... bathroom... again too obvious... this is so stupid,' she thought to herself as she starts dragging herself under her bed. She gets into a comfortable position where she is one-hundred percent under the bed with no extremities poking out so she'd get yanked out like some horror movie. She steadied her breathing and waited... and wait...

...and waited

.........and waited...

She started getting tired and her body was aching from the way she was laying under the bed... but everything seemed clear. Maybe he was good now? She very slowly, inch by inch, as quiet as possible, pulled herself out from under the bed. She sighed once she was free from under the bed and got onto her hands and knees to push herself up. A sinister laugh came from behind her, "I was wondering how long you were going to stay under there."

She slowly turned around, seeing Sam laying on her bed, "S-Sam...? How did you get in here and onto the bed without me knowing?"

He shrugged, "I'm a demon, love. We have our ways."

"Sam, please... let's just go back to the kitchen so I can finish-"

"Mm, no," he stood up.

"Sam... please..." She slowly stood up.

"You're driving me crazy, you know that? What are you doing to me? What are you planning?" He walks up to Eli and pushes her back onto the floor easily, putting a foot on her chest to keep her down, "tell me."

"I-I'm not doing anything! I'm just trying to be nice!"

"Nobody is nice for no reason. What do you want?"

"There are people who are nice for no reason other than to m-" he pushed his foot down to make her stop talking.

"You are somethin' else, aren't ya?" He drops down to the floor to join her there. Sam reaches over to touch Eli's face, but she swats his hand away. He then grabs her wrist, her other hand coming and trying to get his hand off, only for him to grab that hand too, "just let me show you affection."

"No! Let go of me!" Eli shouts at him, trying to kick him. Sam moves and sits on her thighs, pinning each hand in its perspective side by her head.

"Why?" His eyes were wide and glowing in the dark, his pupils were dilated to their fullest amount as he looked down at Eli.

"Because I said no! No means-!"

"No. No... No!" Sam let go of Eli and threw himself off of her, wildly rubbing his eyes, "fuck! God damn it! Fucking... I'm sorry, Eli... I'm sorry... fuck, I'm so stupid."

"What is the fucking hell was that?!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry... fuck..." Sam stood up and kept rubbing his eyes, "this hasn't happened in 4,000 years..." He walked over to Eli, holding his hand out.

Eli hesitantly took it, Sam pulling her up, "ok, but what was that."

"I... in the past... it's only happened once to another woman... I... I killed her because I couldn't control myself. I was only 1,900 years."

"So, you would've killed me?"

"I'm sure you'd probably want to die after what happens..."

"What would have happened?" Sam gave her a look, "Oh... right... yeah... but why would I want to die?"

Sam laughed nervously, "let's not Uhm... talk about what happens, ok? It's... I... no, let's not talk about that."

"Uhhh..." Eli gave him a side-eye, "alright then... we won't talk about it... for now." Sam nodded and stared at the ground, "come on... let's finish cleaning your stabs. I would've stabbed you again if I had a knife."

"I know..." Sam said. Eli took his hand and dragged him to the kitchen, "why are you not kicking me out of your house?"

"I'll do that after I clean everything up," Eli looked back at him with a smile. Sam just stared for a moment before giving her a genuine and kind smile.

She changed him and he could feel it by the pounding in his chest.

[queenitn]

So...I just found something that I'd written one night at like 4am a month into lockdown.

It's pretty much a very unnecessarily angry rant.

I can probably contradict half the stuff I say in it myself. It's just...kinda rude in places and when I'm thinking straight there's some parts I don't really agree with myself. It's not aimed at anybody and I'm definitely a hypocrite but I'm gonna post it anyways so go wild I guess.

So I recently took a stroll through Stucky fanfiction on ao3. For a while there I'd been avoiding it, and I'd nearly convinced myself that my mind was exaggerating the whole bottom!Bucky/top!Steve thing but yeah, I'm not.

Normally, I'd say who tops or bottoms doesn't matter. It's pretty irrelevant. But... since the majority of the fanfictions clearly prefer to write bottom!Bucky, obviously, there is some significance. Wouldn't the proportion be more equal if it truly was irrelevant?

Besides being annoying as fuck, it's also pretty interesting I guess. I have nothing else to do so I'm going to be ranting about a lot of stuff.

So, I mostly try to look for bottom!Steve, right? Because that's what I like. I read a bottom!Steve fic, then I say, "Hmm, this author seems to like bottom!Steve, maybe they've written more?" I go check, and I find...mostly bottom!Bucky, with maybe one or two more bottom!Steve.

It's fine the first few times, but after a while it's honestly weird. Clearly, a lot of very good authors have no problem writing bottom!Steve. They just happen to write more bottom!Bucky. As far as I can tell, that's pretty much the common trend. But why? What exactly does one think while starting a new fic, going all, "Hmm...I think...this time.... we're gonna have bottom!Bucky again." Again and again and again until it's most times.

Why is bottom!Steve so fetishized? I don't mean the fics that actually have a dom/sub element. I mean just pure bottom!Steve itself. Why does it have to be some sort of rarity?

As far as I know, there's...really nothing in canon indicating who would likely top or bottom. (I mean yeah, I do believe that canon Bucky is more likely to want to dom than canon Steve, but that's different.)

So, what is it?

Sure, Steve is taller, has a deeper voice, more muscle, a beard....but those are just physical things. They don't actually have anything to do with taking or giving.

Besides, he used to be small before. Is that what this is about? Previously tiny man likes to be in control? Likes to...what? Prove he's a manlier man? Bullshit. Besides the fact that it's bullshit, it also doesn't seem to fit with canon Steve.

The "Sometimes I think you like getting punched" and the "And you've got nothing to prove" make me think that his proving himself had less to do with showing his dominance and more to do with showing his endurance. I'd say bottoming is exactly what he'd want to do.

Besides, wasn't that exactly what made his relationship with Bucky special? The fact that he didn't have to "prove himself" in any way? Bucky already knew his worth.

Is it because Steve likes to give orders? Some sort of "Oh, this guy was always meant to be the leader"? Well, there's a huge difference between being a leader, giving orders in a battlefield...and giving orders in the bedroom. And I'm pretty sure top/bottom preferences would be completely unrelated to who's the boss at work.

But nevermind that, as far as I can tell, sure Steve gives orders, but he also looks to the people he trusts for guidance. The best example is Nat. The thing that makes their friendship so goddamm precious is partly in the way he always glances at her for confirmation before making a decision. Isn't Bucky sort of like an Ultimate Nat with sex benefits?

Nevermind that too. Steve bossing people around is great, but that's not the point, is it? The point is does he enjoy it? I think, the only movie where he did look like he relished his power was TFA. I'm pretty confident that's because of the novelty of his new strength partially, and partially also because of the rush caused by his back to back successes. Why? Because he never seems to take that kind of enjoyment again. As opposed to...maybe Sam? The guy who gets his literal wings back after (presumably) years and lets out a whoop after being chased by the missile thingies. Sam's joy doesn't wear off. Steve's does.

Is it just me, or has this skew towards bottom!Bucky actually increased over the years? Why? I can say a few things on this.

First, maybe people need to remember a bit more that Sebastian Stan is not Bucky Barnes. Chris Evans is not Steve Rogers. And Steve Rogers is not Captain America.

No matter what you think about the actors, the characters they play are separate. Please.

Second, there is a very interesting theory that exists which says that the reason why Bucky is so popular in the fandom is because his character arc is relatable to women and the queer community in the fact that it's about him regaining his stolen agency. Which is true.

Does this have anything to do with him bottoming though? I mean, I don't know. Fanfictions are important because they allow us to explore ourselves, whether it's our sexuality or our trauma that we're trying to figure out. In that way, it makes sense that maybe we will tend to write Bucky as a bottom more often. Except no.

Partly because, having had bad experiences at a young age myself, and being queer myself, I do not relate to Bucky. And hypothetically speaking, I would totally bottom for Peggy or Bucky, but I would rail the absolute shit out of Steve. I canNOT be the only one.

Partly also because yeah, a lot of fanfiction is projection, which is good for the soul, both yours and mine, but not to the point where we create a fanon version of the character completely different from the canon one. Yeah, you could say that canon doesn't really give us much of a character, but clearly they give us something and we have to build up on that right? It's true for both Bucky and Steve. Bucky barely has lines, but his actions speak enough. There's an absolutely breathtaking character waiting for you in canon if you really want to look. As for Steve, let me just say, sass and the tiniest little hints of PTSD do not make a whole character. Marvel fucked it up, but this goes for the fandom too (this is keeping in mind that Steve technically has three movies dedicated to him and Bucky doesn't)

Stop treating Steve like your personal punching bag, Stucky fandom.

It does happen, if we project our bad experiences on Bucky, Steve often naturally fills the role of the clueless/mildly asshole-ish love interest. Not too much of an asshole though, clearly you love him.

That's fine. Fanfiction is about self expression, but should we lose sight of the canon characters that we loved so much in the first place? And isn't fanfiction just as much about exploring those characters, as objectively as we possibly can?

Another thing related to that...why do we only have to identify with one character? I don't know how to put this, but there's a thing called halo effect and I think that's kind of what happens (I'm not a psychologist).

You see something in Bucky. And then you start to attribute more and more things to him that may or may not actually exist. Like yeah, he's fullfilling the traditional love interest role in Steve's movies, but that doesn't automatically mean he's a bottom. The two things are... actually entirely unrelated. They're only related in your mind. And similar to that, when we see one thing in a character that we identify with, we kind of want to see even more things in them we identify with, but it doesn't have to be like that. That's not how any person works, and it's not how any fully developed character works. You can relate to both the characters in different ways, no need to dump it all in one.

Ok, another thing, that I don't like to think about but it's occured to me and I don't like it. So, Steve is generally coded as a bisexual, right? And Bucky is coded as gay. Look yourself in the eye in the mirror and think about whether you're unconsciously assuming that the bi guy isn't going to want to bottom. I'm a bisexual woman, I will top Steve. I kind of resent this.

Going off on another tangent, I have also delved into Stony on my quest for bottom!Steve. Pretty sure there's even less of that there. Why??? That's crazy.

Normally, I'm pretty sure Tony would be coded as the top. He's much older, richer. He clearly has control issues. That's one of his defining features. Control. (I don't mean that in a bad way.) So....what exactly do Bucky and Tony have in common besides dark hair and short hight? The only thing I could come up with was thotiness. They're both shown as Thots. Is that it? The Thot Bottoms? Ok.

Is it the whole energy thing? "Bucky has bottom energy"? Does he? Can you argue with me if I say that TFA Steve has bratty bottom energy? That TFA Bucky goes from service top energy to mean top energy? Pretty sure that's subjective. But what exactly are we seeing differently here? I'm honestly asking.

Bucky's character is ridiculously strong, stronger than Steve in some ways (besides probably physically). Specifically, it's because of his ability to not only survive, but heal. Can we acknowledge how crazy that is? He's just fucking buying plums, but that's still more than we've ever seen Steve do. You can say his trauma is greater, but it looks like his coping ability is greater too. So is that what this is? Steve doesn't cope. Instead he focuses on external things like being Cap, Hydra, Bucky. I wouldn't call that a healthy way of living...but it's romantic, right? Neglecting to take care of yourself? No, actually avoiding taking care of yourself by focusing entirely on another person? Is that it? We're romanticizing unhealthy behaviour?

Is it because you feel more for Bucky, wearing his hurt on his sleave, versus Steve who wears it hidden under his skin?

Am I allowed to believe that Steve's ultimate shield isn't the vibranium one, but Captain America himself?

That's just me getting off track and mildly pissy but the point stands. We like seeing Steve in control. He wears it well. He's good at it. But that's just not that relevant. You don't just boss poeple around in the bedroom because you're good at it, you have to want it too. Would he want it? Is a commanding voice really an indicator of a person's desire to command? Can we really say because he's usually the one giving orders (because that's his actual job), that he likes it too? Does he look like he especially likes it? No.

I've been around fandoms long enough to know that all fandoms always have a preference regarding who ultimately tops or bottoms. This isn't the first time it's bugged me, but it feels more this time because I just don't see it. And it makes me angry because it contradicts what I feel, are the best parts of the characters. No, Bucky bottoming isn't the contradiction..but all this that I wrote, the connotations of this kind of coding, the underlying thoughts.... some of it is just not nice, but some of it opposes the little things that humanize these characters. It wouldn't matter, except that it wouldn't have happened at all if it didn't matter.

It's not just what happens to them in canon that matters so much. It's also what they choose to do for themselves when they have the chance. It feels like they made their choices and half the fandom ignored it. "Nah man, you'll look better at the bottom. Look at that hair."

Because ultimately, that's what it feels like to me. A mixture of not thinking too much about it (though I know this post probably counts as overthinking), some wierd internalised heteronormativity, and I don't know what just kind of fucks with all of us. All I know is that I hate it. I hate it.

It's not the bottom!Bucky I hate, it's the underlying, unthinking assumptions. The way it's a foregone conclusion. It's not. I really just want to be able to read the goddamn fanfictions again without wanting to tear my skin off.

( You can help by giving reccs)

[manggojooz]

Take My Hands Now (Part 12 - Final)

pairing: Jungkook x reader

word count: approx. 3,250

genre: drama, angst, romance, fluff

summary: You were born with a condition that allowed you to feel the pain someone else was going through when you touched them. Jungkook, on the other hand, looked like he could not be any less bothered with other people’s feelings and was a well known playboy of the school. One night, at a party, while he attempted to turn you into his toy for the night, he grabbed your hand and pain crashed through you, making you wonder whether behind the facade of this pleasure seeker, he could also be hiding something.

warnings: none

Song rec: Euphoria - by Jeon Jungkook

Previous Parts: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6| Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 

Taglist: @competativekook @flamingorosette  

Comments: it’s been a little under four months since I started this series. To everyone who has read, liked, commented on or reblogged it during this time; thank you so much for holding my hand in this journey. This will always remain a special story to me personally and I hope this ending is befitting enough.

“Ok, so basically all of your suggestions revolve around buying her something pretty? That seems a little lacking, doesn’t it? In terms of like creativity or sincerity…”, Jungkook complained as he sat next to Hoseok, mindlessly flipping through that same Winnie-the-Pooh book, ignoring Hoseok’s judgmental stares.  

“Why are you even asking me when you aren’t going to accept any suggestions from me?”, Hoseok was increasingly annoyed at the relentless questioning.  

“Because you are the only person I know who barely had a serious-ish relationsh -”, Jungkook managed to cut himself off before he went any further.  

Hoseok looks up briefly, his mouth turning into an inverted triangle, evident of his downturned mood.  

“Sorry man, I didn’t mean to bring it up again… it’s just that I have no one else to ask…”, Jungkook stammers. Hoseok looks back down at the pen he was twirling in his hand to occupy himself.  

“Just do what your heart wants to, she’ll like anything you get for her anyway”, Hoseok muttered without looking up again at Jungkook.  

Seeing his best friend now, Jungkook wonders, will there be someone who could share his pain too?

“Hoseok, it’s been so long, don’t you think you should -”, before he could finish speaking, his phone rings. He glances at the screen, reluctant to pick up but knowing that rejecting this call was not an option.  

“I gotta go, catch you later”, Jungkook waves to Hoseok as he leaves the room. Hoseok saunters over to where Jungkook had left the book lying on the table, the words on the pages sending a pinch to his heart:  

“Some people care too much. I think it’s called love.”

—

Jungkook walks into his grandfather’s office. He always disliked the place. He would never visit unless he was called up here.  

“Are you seeing someone?”, his grandfather asks pointedly, without even looking away from the document that he was reading.

“I see a lot of people…”, despite the distaste he has for his grandfather, this was the only person who could truly struck some fear within Jungkook.  

“If you see a lot of people it is not of concern, but if you get serious about one person then it becomes a concern”, his grandfather always displayed the utmost disdain for feelings of any nature.  

“She’s -”, Jungkook opened his mouth to retort but the door bursts open, startling him.  

Her heels clicked with a determination that was new.  

“Father, let them be”, she walks past Jungkook and threw down a number of photographs on the table. Jungkook was not surprised, he always knew his grandfather kept a watch on everyone. Just seeing the silhouette of you in those photographs reminded him of how much he wanted to protect you even though he felt entirely powerless.  

“What are you doing here?”, his grandfather snorted.  

“To stop you from making the same mistake twice.”  

The stern elder scoffs, “What mistake?”  

She stares at him stoically.

“Am I not enough evidence that you made a mistake?”, there could have been a tear or two twirling in her eyes but she would never have admitted it. She steels herself to table a deal instead, “Are you really prepared to hand your company over to that man? He’s not your blood. But Jungkook is. I still hold ten percent of the shares and I can -”  

“Jungkook’s far from ready. And if he’s going to let his emotions for one girl get in the way, then he’ll never be ready”, his grandfather stops his mother’s pitch before tilting his head to look straight at Jungkook. His mother stood between him and the aged chairman, it somehow looked like Jungkook was being sheltered by her in this moment.  

“That was what you said to me too, twenty-three years ago. And look where we are today. The empire which you spent your entire life building… on the verge of being overtaken by your hand-picked son-in-law. Do you really trust him that much?”, she knew she was provoking a beast but there was hardly any other way.  

“And do you really think I don’t know all of that? Two years ago, I set up a trust for all the shares I own in the group. Who do you think the beneficiary is?”, he taunted the mother and son pair. “It will keep my shares away from him, in case something happens to me. But… there’s a condition to obtaining these shares, Jungkook has to prove that he is capable of holding them, he has to become the CEO first”, his grandfather declares.  

The poised lady felt a wave of relief mixed with disgust as she realises the ruthlessness of her own father. Even if she hated her husband, time has so passed, and she has watched him sacrifice everything for this company, yet at the end of the day, what did he gain?  

“As my only grandson, do you know how powerful your marriage is, Jungkook? Do you understand the amount of benefits it can bring if you choose to marry the right person? The question isn’t whether you are prepared to lose all of this… it is what you are prepared to do to protect it”, Jungkook’s grandfather challenged him.  

“I never had anything even when everyone told me I had everything. Maybe we are just different. Maybe you don’t feel it. But I do. And she does”, referring to his own mother. He took a few seconds to look at his family wistfully, understanding that he should also bear the burden of being born into such a position.  

“Let me be with her, she is all I have. And I promise to do my best to become what you want me to be. I will do anything to protect her… please… otherwise I really don’t know if I might -”, Jungkook’s voice was shaking discreetly.  

“Otherwise he might end up like me… then you will truly have no one left, Father. What are you prepared to do to protect all of this?”, his mother backed Jungkook up as she senses his need.

The two of them emerged silently from the dreaded office. For the first time since she could remember, he called out to her first.  

“Mum…”, she turns around at his word, stunned, the term so endearing yet so estranged, “… thanks”, Jungkook mumbles, finding it difficult to meet her eyes.  

And for the first time in his recollection, she smiled at him soberly and earnestly. “I just wanted to make up for all the wrongs I made in the past, to you. Don’t make the same mistakes I did”, she lamented.  

—

“I’ll be starting to work in the company in summer, Dad”, Jungkook stood in front of his father’s wide mahogany office table. The desk plaque bore his father’s name and the designation of CEO.  

“I heard”, his father replied coldly, typing away on his laptop.  

“You must really hate me now, right? You must think that Grandfather wants me to replace you?”, Jungkook carefully probed.  

The older man’s hands stopped abruptly on the keyboard, lifting his eyes up threateningly to look at his “son”.  

“It still turned out this way in the end, didn’t it? No matter how hard water tries, it can never become thicker than blood…”, he looks down again, away from Jungkook. “You are his grandson and you are not my son…”, he spoke sternly, “… even if you were the one person I thought was mine...”, he thought internally.

“… now we will become enemies”, his father concluded.  

Jungkook felt that awfulness budding in his chest upon hearing those words. He flashes back to his elementary school days. His grandfather often came to fetch him from school, but the old man never once left the backseat of that posh-looking car. Jungkook would always walk out through the school gates himself, towards the chauffeur who held the car door open for him. Everyone would marvel at the lavish sedan but all Jungkook could see was how the other parents walked their kids home while holding their hands, talking, laughing.  

That was why he always looked forward to the days his father would come and pick him up. His father would wait for him inside the gates, greeting him with the warmest voice, and then lead him by his hand to their favourite ice cream hangout. Even if that all stopped when he was eight, those memories had kept him going.

Now, he stood here, hearing the same man declaring them as adversaries. Jungkook lets the nasty feeling settle in the pit of his stomach, bracing himself before responding, “I used to think that everyone were my enemies too. But then I only ended up hating myself more than anyone.  

     Maybe you don’t think of me as your son, maybe you hated me all these years, maybe you used me to bargain for what you have now… but you were the only person who held my hand back then. You are not my enemy.  

     You can choose to fight everyone now. But if ever you feel like you can’t do it anymore, if ever you feel like you have drifted too far away… I hope you know that I’ll always be here holding out my hand. You can take it anytime, Dad.”  

He doesn’t know if his father will think it preposterous of him to be saying all this, but Jungkook is finally starting to understand…

We are all mirrors to some extent; the more resentment he had for everyone else, the more resentment he had for himself.  

—

“So I guess you aren’t coming to the movie with us after your class?”, Mirae asked, Namjoon also turned to look at you.  

“Uhh… Jungkook said there’s something important today so I gotta meet him after class…”, you smiled awkwardly.

Namjoon slow-nods while tossing a rhetorical question at you, “And you have no idea what is so important about today, right?”

“Mmm…”, you were just generally very bad with remembering dates.  

“For ditching us on movie night again, tell us… how’s the progress with Jungkook? I’m surprised you guys even lasted this long”, Namjoon spoke sarcastically.  

At his question, you felt a pang of guilt. To say that there was limited progress would be an understatement, and the reason is probably your stupid condition. There must have been a thousand times where Jungkook’s hands would brush your fingers but he never seemed to have enough courage to even hold your hand, let alone do anything else.  

During the weekend that just passed, you had gone home to spend time with your family. That was when your grandfather had once again sensed something was bothering you. You were always certain he had superpowers in this aspect. After some probing you finally let on that you didn’t want to think of your hereditary condition as something negative but you also couldn’t help feeling bad towards Jungkook for all of this.  

“Don’t just feel with your body, Y/N, feel with your heart”, that was all he advised you, his wrinkled eyes calming and smile reassuring as always.  

“Kim Namjoon”, Mirae chided and gently hits him on his back, “can you be any less encouraging?” You were also jolted back to the present from your thoughts.

“Woman, this is known as reverse psychology”, Namjoon quips.  

“Just ignore him Y/N, run on your own timeline, don’t rush it if you aren’t comfortable”, Mirae was in fact the one who had been more concerned when you first told the two of them that you were going out with Jungkook. But once she accepted that you were sure of your decision, she is and always will be your strongest supporter.  

“But Namjoon’s not wrong Mirae… I’m surprised too, that Jungkook is still sticking around, despite… despite our lack of physical contact… you know what I mean”, you cringe in embarrassment having to say it yourself. Leaning back into the chair, you stared into space thoughtfully as the professor entered the room to start the lesson.  

—

You hopped down a huge step that overlooked the school’s running tracks, towards the back-view that was now more than familiar to you.  

“Jungkook-ah!”, you called out.  

He stood up from the step he was sitting on, immediately turning around to beam at you. It still fascinates him that just hearing your voice was enough to lift his mood.  

“Sorry for making you wait, some smart ass in class just wouldn’t give up on arguing with the prof about a totally inconsequential point”, you explained yourself.  

“It’s not the first time anyway, I think I’m getting used to waiting for you…”, he jokingly griped.  

It’s been a little more than three months. He would wait for you to finish your classes, he would wait for you to finish work, and he is still waiting for that nasty feeling within him to go away completely. But it was getting increasingly tormenting. Patience is a virtue, however, he was never a particularly virtuous person to begin with.  

“Sorry, how should I make it up to you?”, you apologised again while sticking your tongue out a little at him, knowing that he is not truly angry.  

Jungkook didn’t answer you and instead he took out a dainty box from his pocket, revealing a silver necklace bearing a tiny hedgehog pendant with a heart shape engraved on it.  

“It’s for me? What’s the occasion?”, you gasped in delight.  

“I knew you wouldn’t remember”, he was pouting slightly now, “we’ve been together for 100 days.”  

You grow wide-eyed, partly surprised that he actually bothers about such milestones and partly because you felt even more guilty for not even remembering.  

“Jungkook, I… I’m so sorry. I’m seriously bad with dates. That’s not an excuse, I know, I’ll definitely make it up to you…”, your words stumbled around as you tried your best to make him feel better.  

His pout turns into a comforted smile and he removes the necklace from the velvet casing. He cuts short your awkward apology by leaning in to put the jewellery around your neck. You stopped breathing for a moment. You must have been blushing intensely given how your cheeks felt like they were on fire, your nose was almost touching his neck and you could feel his breath at the tip of your ears.  

“That’s a lot that you have to make up to me…”, he whispers as he finishes fastening the necklace, cocking up an eyebrow while admiring it resting between your collar bones.

The distance between the both of you was probably measurable only in millimetres. His eyes fleetingly glancing between your eyes and your lips. You could hear his heart beating, or was it yours?  

Jungkook thought he must be losing his mind. He has been wanting to do this since he started dating you. No, he must have wanted to do it even before that. There was but one thread of sanity holding him back from closing the gap between the two of you – he cannot hurt you again. He honestly had no idea whether that dreadful pain is gone or not, since he has grown so accustomed to it that he barely notices it sometimes.  

He huffed the tiniest sigh as he looked away, and he started to yank himself backwards. In that split second when you notice that he was giving up, you tip-toed so that you could reach his lips, grazing it with a gentle peck. It startles the boy so much that every movement in him stopped, even his breathing.  

No thanks to your sudden action, that one thread holding him back completely snaps. He puts one arm around your waist and pulled you towards him, his mouth pressing adamantly against yours. You couldn’t help but close your eyes, amplifying the fuzzy feelings. It was a strange mix of everything, a tinge of pain where he was supporting you, a tenderness where your lips met, and a fervor in the cavity where your heart pounded.  

Through all of it, you reached out to hold onto his other hand which wasn’t snaking around your waist. As you grasped his hand, you felt it again, the feeling that started it all. It wasn’t as strong as you remembered it to be, but it was still strong enough to cause a reaction in you.  

Jungkook felt you wince into the kiss and he immediately let go of your waist to back away, breaking the kiss. But this time, you used your free hand to pull him back to you by his jacket.  

“No, Y/N… stop. I don’t want to hurt you again”, he murmurs, reprimanding himself for getting this far, the rim of his eyes turning a hue of red.  

“No, you stop. Stop thinking about it. I will learn to feel you with my heart, so you do it too, feel it with your heart”, you encouraged him soothingly.  

You strained your neck to place your lips gingerly on his again, and you could sense his will to separate from you slowly withering as he eventually returned your kiss. You focused on the exhilarating sensation, gradually drowning out your awareness of all other feelings.  

Your hand that still held onto his moved to intertwine his fingers with your own. You felt him draw you in closer, his other hand moving to caress your face as his soft lips continued to moved slightly, eliciting an urge within you. You shifted your other hand which held onto the collar of his jacket to circle around his torso, bringing your bodies close together.  

For the first time since you have known him, there were no thoughts and there was no pain. Maybe your own feelings overrode it, or maybe he just felt none in this moment.  

And for the first time, there was no place for lust within him, for it never truly killed those detestable feelings anyway. With you it was all different, there were no feelings to kill, there was only a feeling to grow, a feeling which could probably only be described as… euphoria.

He didn’t even deepen the kiss any further. He was the one who was afraid, that it might be too fast, that he might not be able to handle all of the emotions. This much was enough for now, he will learn all of it anew, step by step, with you.  

As he parted from you, you gave him the biggest smile ever, showing no signs of discomfort, much to his relief. He is always concerned about every feeling you had, more than his own. That is how much he cares about you; some people call it love. And thus, he learns…  

People in love will become mirrors to each other; the more he loved you, the more he was able to love himself.

He squeezes your hand tightly and tugs you into a hug determinedly, “I don’t think I’ll be able to let you go now, there’s nothing you can do about it. Since you have so much to compensate me for, just let me keep holding your hand”, his voice was a mesh of querulousness and sweetness. It was the cutest threat you have ever heard.  

“I’m not planning to do anything about it. I’ll be here, whenever you need it, take my hands.”  

—

♫ Across the dream, over the horizon

I’m going to the place that’s getting clearer

Take my hands now

You are the cause of my euphoria ♫

[myevilmouse]

In Defense of The Rise of Skywalker

Or...how I learned to stop hating and enjoy a movie

Spoilers and random thoughts below the cut.

I hate the abomination that was/is The Last Jedi.  Let’s get that out of the way.  I’ve already explained the hundreds of reasons why, the biggest and most unforgivable being the character assassination of Luke “I call him Jake” Skywalker and the invalidation of every victory of the OT.  I resent this making people lump me into a “gatekeeper” sect, or accuse me of racism (Rose was annoying and ruined Finn’s heroism, jeopardizing hundreds of lives for her own selfish reasons without building up a convincing romance and blah blah etc).  It has nothing to do with her gender, race, or anything.  It has to do with poor character development and inconsistent motivations/messages. 

I’m also not a huge fan of The Force Awakens, mainly for its lack of originality and the treatment of Han/Leia, but otherwise I thought it was OK.  I liked Finn, wanted him to become a Jedi, found Poe to be a worthy heir to our antihero mold.  Rey left me indifferent and Kylo Ren was a temper-tantrum throwing teenager, but anyway...

Let’s keep that as background/context and not get bogged down.

Since they announced the title of this movie, I have been livid with rage. How dare they use my man’s name to sell their disgusting imitation of a beloved universe?  I was certain, ever since it was announced, that Rey would take Luke’s surname, despite having treated him so horribly in TLJ, despite having done nothing to earn it, despite having spent far more time with Leia, so if anything a Solo/Organa family name would make more sense.  It was just to sell tickets and I was furious.

I read all the spoilers.  Worst fears:  confirmed.  I looked at leaked photos.  I raged over the inanity of the plot and the sad conclusion to the Skywalker Saga, which in my mind will always end with ROTJ.

Still, I love Mark Hamill, and I decided to treat this film as a MH film. The completist in me required theatrical viewing.  Rare to get our man in a cinematic release.  So I went, ready to hate watch, prepared to dull the bitterness and betrayal with wine.

But….JJ Abrams directed a fix it fic.  And it’s good.  This film not just address the real injustices and horrible story decisions of TLJ, but also addresses some of the major problems of TFA too. 

I tried to go in with an open mind, but obviously I had many preconceived notions, and already knew almost every single story point and character beat.  I was ready to roll around in my hate and slam the abomination.  I want to emphasize that I am one of those people that was COMPLETELY prepared to hate EVERYTHING about this.

There are flaws. 

But there is so much that is great. 

I really really liked it. 

No one is more shocked than I at my own reaction.  I was ready/willing/wanting/primed to hate everything about this.  Please keep that in mind.  Hahah and no one is paying me to write this post 😉

I decided to write this because I also read all the negative critical reviews online from the pro critics yelling FAN SERVICE.  And I’m like…damn straight?  Ever since George Lucas made Han shoot second, fandom has understood that we understand this franchise better than film executives.  We aren’t concerned with adding an extra dewback or improving special effects.  We love these films the way we first experienced them, and they cannot and should not be “improved” to the ultimate detriment of the brand.

I’m here to tell you that the critics are not being fair.  The spoilers on reddit were true, but the movie works. Let’s accept, before we go further, that Abrams couldn’t entirely rewrite the mess that he stepped into/helped create. So I can’t defend the fact that Finn isn’t a Jedi yet or the mess that is the new Rebellion/failure of the old. I, like many fans, wish we had been given a different/better story from the beginning.  Sadly, we were not.

That is something we don’t have to accept (I certainly don’t consider these films “canon” in my mind—Mara Jade forever!) but let’s approach this film in the spirit it seems to be intended:  An attempt to address the very valid criticisms loudly voiced about the others in the trilogy, with the caveat that we are stuck with TFA and TLJ no matter how much we hate them.

First, the music is amazing, as we all knew it would be.  The acting is stellar.

Some of the things Abrams “fixed:”

“Rey is perfect/Mary Sue/good at everything”.  There is a conscious effort in this film to show her training, with Leia as her Master.  There is a good scene foreshadowing her final struggle, where she strains to hear the voices of Jedi past and fails.  There are several signs that she is not a Jedi yet, including how Palpatine talks about her, and perhaps my favorite, when she tells Leia she hasn’t earned Luke’s lightsaber.

Me: Damn straight you haven’t.

And Leia AGREES, keeping Luke’s weapon because Rey isn’t ready for it. She’s still learning.

Further proof of her non-Jedi status, when Rey is killed, she doesn’t join the Force.  She is a corpse.  On the other hand, Ben Solo, once redeemed, disappears as we would expect a good Jedi to do.  A clear distinction between the two of them.

And speaking of Leia:

Leia’s character:  TFA and TLJ Leia is weak and sends other people to fight, whereas our brave Princess from the OT is volunteering for suicide missions, grabbing weapons from the hands of her rescuers, and running into danger for a good cause.  It always bothered me that she didn’t go after Kylo herself (or with Han).  In this, we see her as a Jedi Master, training Rey, with her own lightsaber.  Leia is once more a badass, true to her character.  A legitimate Jedi who also joins the Force (although not sure why it took her so long post-mortem, that was weird).

Luke’s character:  Hello, I am A LUKE FANATIC.  The biggest sin of TFA and especially TLJ was this idea of Luke hiding out and becoming the disgusting, pessimistic coward he was shown to be.  Abrams ignores this pretty much entirely, starting with the revelation that Luke was actually going on missions with Lando to hunt for a Sith artifact to help the Rebellion.  Luke kept notes, he was busy and ACTIVE.  He wasn’t giving up; he was leaving a trail to help anyone who followed.  The best ‘fuck you’ in the whole movie was Luke catching Anakin’s lightsaber when Rey throws it away.  The ultimate rejection of his TLJ characterization.  

Luke’s conversation with Rey echoes very much the ROTJ “you must confront Vader” conversation.  There are many echoes of ROTJ but given the restrictions on what we are working with, I accepted this parallel.  Much like Luke had to face his unfortunate inheritance, so must Rey.  It’s not terribly original, but these films aren’t.

I also loved the simple line “I was wrong” when Rey asks why he did what he did in TLJ.  This to me is simply “Rian Johnson was wrong/The Last Jedi was wrong.”  There is no excuse that is acceptable, but this is a filmmaker acknowledging an injustice, and I appreciated it.  (Did I mention these films are not canon for me? They aren’t, just giving credit for this attempt.)

Han’s character:  I hated SO MUCH how they turned Han into a failure in TFA.  A buffoon, not even a good smuggler anymore, a failure as a father, a husband.  When I heard he was going to be in this I was like HUH?  But this “memory” of his father that Kylo Ren sees after Rey heals him and departs, after he’s lost his mother, is another attempt to redeem the injustice to Han’s character.  Han is the one in the movie who brings Kylo Ren back to the Light, not Rey.  It is a very short scene, but effective.  The acting is poignant, with the “Dad” working for me.  Maybe I’m a softie.  But I appreciated this brief proof that Han Solo, in the end, didn’t suck as a father, and ultimately, even as a hallucination, inspired the love that saved his son.

Chewbacca got a medal:  I said Abrams was fixing things in the sequels, but I admit I was choked up to see this fixit from A New Hope.  Finally Chewie gets the medal he is LONG overdue.

Team dynamic with the new characters:  Finally we understand why these people care about each other.  They go on shared adventures, they have banter (and some good jokes, not the stupid bathos of TLJ), and there is finally some sense of camaraderie that was discarded in TLJ.  There are several references to Rey’s “new family,” clearly referring to this band of Rebels, and it was far more compelling than in earlier films.

Finn’s Force Sensitivity:  I, like many, desperately wanted Finn to be a Jedi.  Since TFA, it seemed inevitable!  I loved how he used the lightsaber, how he seemed to have Force abilities (that were never really explored).  TLJ ignored that potential completely, sidelining him on that stupid Canto Bight quest and pulling him away from Rey.  There are so many signs that he is destined to be a Jedi in this film, I was thrilled to see them.  Knowing things without explanation, doing amazing things, sensing things, trusting his feelings, it’s another ‘fuck you’ in my opinion, to RJ for ignoring this former stormtrooper’s destiny in favor of overblown set pieces and pointless CGI theatrics.  When he says, towards the end “I can feel it,” I wanted to fist pump.  YOU GO BE A JEDI FINN!  THE FORCE IS WITH YOU.  Personally, I would have loved for Finn to be the main protagonist of all three films, but I appreciate us getting what we got, since we can’t get what we want.

Stuff that worked:

The Wedge cameo:  Yeah.

Lando:  Wonderful. His dialogue, especially at the beginning, does a lot to fix our view of Luke.

Kylo’s redemption:  See above re: Han.  I’ve seen a lot of criticism about the kiss.  I get the whole “female character’s purpose is to validate the evolution of the male” criticism, but I want to point out a couple things about this. First of all, it’s not a “Reylo” kiss. Kylo is gone.  This is well after Kylo is redeemed.  He’s been of the Light for a while before this, it’s clearly Ben at this point.  It’s also obvious Rey knows that, and like Luke forgave Vader for his abuse, she forgives Ben Solo for his.  So I understand also the criticism that is making people puke about Rey kissing her abuser, but again, Luke sheds tears for the father he loves, who maimed and traumatized him.  Star Wars is about redemption and forgiveness that accompanies it, and I don’t have the same issue with this.  If she kissed KYLO without him being redeemed before he died, for example, I would be disgusted.  This is not that.

The cinematography/pacing/story:  So many critics and the spoilers made it sound like this was a convoluted mess.  I went to see it with a non-native English speaker and neither of us had any trouble following the plot.  Yeah, a lot happens, but it all is linear and consistent within the film.

The humor/dialogue:  Felt way more Star Wars-y and better placed than the last two films.

The Jedi Helping Rey:  As much as I thought I would hate this, it was really well done, largely, I think, due to the foreshadowing during her earlier training.  When Palpatine says all the Sith live in him and we know what she’s gonna say but it still works SO WELL.  I was rooting for her and I’ve never been a huge fan.  But at that climactic moment, I was a believer.

Major flaws

Of course there are some.  For me the most major:

A Jedi Strikes Not In Anger: In every single lightsaber battle (pretty sure, I only saw the film once), Rey is the first to strike.  She always seems to be fighting from anger and with negative emotion.  This is not at all Jedi-esque and I found it particularly jarring in her duels with Kylo Ren.  This bothered me more than almost anything else in the film because it is never addressed.  She fights ANGRY and she fights FEARFUL and then somehow when she’s supposed to strike down Palpatine, she has it in her to resist.  This, above all else, makes me not like her as the “heir to the Jedi”.  I thought it was a real problem, and makes her ultimate evolution at the finale less convincing.

Rey Skywalker:  I get why they did it, but I stand by my earlier thoughts regarding taking the Solo or Organa name.  I have nothing against adopted families.  And I found it SLIGHTLY more palpable because since the Emperor refers to Ben as “the last Skywalker” and then since he transfers his entire life force into her, you can argue that she has “Skywalker” literally in her spirit now.  OK fine.  But I still don’t really think she earned it.  She came CLOSER than I thought she would and I didn’t ultimately want to burn down the cinema as I expected I would want to.

Force Resurrection:  No. Just no.  This changes so much and makes so much of the earlier films moot. Why wouldn’t Anakin just resurrect Padme?  Don’t get me started.

Other random new Force things:  Like Force Ghosts touching shit.  Yeah I know Obi Wan sat on the tree in Dagobah, I know, but we keep learning new and more powerful Force shit each film.  Teleportation of objects (that lightsaber?!), astral projection, rapid healing, and now playing catch with your ghost friends.  I get they are important to the story but it feels lazy.  But my exception here was Luke catching the saber because FUCK YOU RJ. 😊

Redemption=Death:  I wanted Kylo Ren to die for his sins too, but I recognize this strange thing we have going on in the GFFA that if a baddie goes good they die.  It’s the equivalent of the horror movie “fuck and the killer gets you” trope.  I didn’t necessarily mind Ben dying, but it seemed … lazy.

The final shot:  It was a mistake to even touch this iconic moment.  It wasn’t earned.  Make your own legend/iconic moment and leave my farmboy his.

Something no one can fix:  The sucky destinies of Luke Jake, Han, and Leia.  They didn’t live happy lives, they didn’t see the end of tyranny, they all died with only the hope of success.  I will never forgive the attempted destruction of the legacy of the OT (attempted cause it’s still how it all ends in my world), this disregard of the triumph of the Rebellion over the Empire, and I will never believe that the New Republic failed so completely and miserably.  Bring on the EU/Legends and forget this shit.

Final thought:  I went to this expecting the cinematic equivalent of a back alley abortion and instead I got what felt like an apology.  An entertaining and polished and sincere apology.  We deserved better, and I think the people who made this film realized that and did their best.  TROS had to wrap up something that was divisive and imperfect and misguided, and tried as hard as it could, in my opinion, given what they were working with.

It was a good movie.  Ambitious, with flaws, but I am glad I saw it, and I hope you will be too. <3  May the Force be with you.

[ifeveristoday]

 [video description: just me yelling for seven minutes straight]

Ok. Am I ready for this?

Every issue of the Boom! Verse has been building up layers of characterizations and the aftermaths of choices. Issue 9 shows us the fallout of two major events - the showdown at Sunnydale Museum, and Xander’s half Vampire state (and what Willow had to do to get him there).

It also touches on the fact that Buffy is in the Hellmouth with no way to contact the surface world.

Yet that isn’t the most pressing matter in this issue.

Relationships are frayed.

Everyone in the Scooby Gang is isolated.

Jenny has a cat.

Sorry, that’s not thematically relevant but I, as a cat person, am legally bound to discuss when there is a cat in media.

JENNY HAS A GREY TABBY WHAT IS THEIR NAME

Spoilers and reactions to issue nine under the cut - we scream and flail like men, who needs a review?

PTSD CLUB PTSD CLUB PTSD CLUB

edited to correct that bit about Willow’s hair and level of evil it indicates

Something that Jordie used early on is the narrator POV (unreliable perhaps) and it returns to this issue. But instead of Xander or Willow, it’s Joyce. And she’s grieving about the world she’s lost but what every parent knows in the back of their mind: the world is tough and scary and so many bad things can happen. And Joyce has survived the attack but there’s no Buffy to commiserate with, to fuss over in person. (Also, what a nod to Joyce’s obliviousness in TV canon - to believe that Buffy would just go on a mandatory field trip with no phone connection.) Luckily, she has Eric, who is supportive and says all the right things. 

Joyce’s disconnect with what she feels and the outside world’s determination to ‘life goes on’ is repeated in the rest of the issue, as our favorite Sunnydale residents deal with both small and large terrors.

Revelations besides Jenny’s cat:

Cordelia works in a clothing shop and there are some Portland looking dudes roaming around Sunnydale. Or maybe it’s Silver Lake. She still has a crush on Spike, because who hasn’t met a mysterious, well-muscled stranger emerging from the forest like a person-shaped Cheshire cat and thought, “Gotta get me some of that?”

I mean, a whole fairytale industry has grown up around that idea.

But despite all normal appearances (and Cordelia is the still most ‘normal’ character) and her Cordy Crew updates, life is not going to her plans. There are fissures erupting in the sidewalk, cracks appearing in walls, people are stressed and Cordelia can’t even play with her dog without falling over said fissures. Oh, and her books are dissolving into ash when she opens her locker.

So shit is horrible.

Willow’s dyed a black streak in her hair (honey, red hair is the hardest color to re-dye to. Your hair is so beautiful and now you’ve got to tone and strip the fuck out of that streak if you want a base to dye it red again - oh wait, magic, I guess) and is being rude and abrupt and just plain Not Willow with Rose and everyone.

Except Willow chafes at the idea of there being a standard for her - why should she be just the smart capable responsible one? While a vampire doppelganger doesn’t burst out of the wall and drawls that she’s bored now, Willow is resentful that Rose and everyone else expects her to be one way when hello, the world is on fire outside.

Rose has found out about the weird shit that goes on in Sunnydale and accuses Willow of keeping things from her, including giant bats and the fact that Buffy was there, and she, Willow’s girlfriend and considerably known her longer than Buffy (imp.)  wasn’t there or told about it.

Willow naturally thinks that Rose being jealous of Buffy is just stupid, because Buffy isn’t even there and honestly she’s not even thinking about it. Which causes Rose to worry why is her empathetic Willow like this?

Which makes Willow lash out that she’s tired of having to be the one who has to consider everyone else’s feelings but her own? Why can’t she have the space to figure out what she wants?

And like that, Rose and Willow are on a break.

Xander, in direct contrast to everyone else around him, is calm and sensitive and just generally being a good bean. He’s concerned about Willow and Buffy, but he’s not crowding Willow. He’s patrolling in Buffy’s absence and making stakes and friends with raccoons - and all of his warm-heartedness and acceptance of ‘everyone’s journey is different’ upsets Giles, who is stubbly and running on presumably zero sleep as he worries about Buffy, and the break in his relationship.

Xander’s facade of handling all the weird crap Sunnydale’s thrown at him gets blown when he encounters a vampire delivery boy in the cemetery. He wins the fight, but the vampire’s words taunting him that they’re just monsters, and not in-between--unfinished like Xander is, resonates with him. Xander’s been doing so well, learning how to live and cope with his depression, being a good friend and responsible evil thwarter - and then to have Giles dismiss him so coldly? And to have one of his worst fears spoken out loud - he’s not human anymore. Not in the way that it used to count. And he’s only half a vampire - and there’s no one else straddling that line so he’s still alone. 

Everyone needs a hug.

Especially Giles and Jenny, because shit, things get incredibly real in the next act. Giles heads over to Jenny’s house to make some kind of amends, but Jenny is understandably Not Having It. Giles disregards all of her reasonable requests, pushes past her and enters her home and then tries to make her understand how really, she’s wrong and he’s right and MAYBE IF SHE HADN’T GIVEN THE DAGGER TO DRUSILLA, THE WORLD WOULDN’T BE ON FIRE.

This is a mess. In so many ways Giles is wrong - he ignored her request to stay away, he invited himself in - and then spent too long trying to make excuses for why it was OK for him to do all of that shit. And he looks a hot mess while doing so - I don’t even think it’s the artwork style, it’s just that Giles is wild-eyed, wrecked, and actually slavering at the mouth as he tries to explain his point of view. He’s feverish and Jenny puts aside her anger for a minute to get him a glass of water. Like, yes, she’s furious with him, but she still loves him, even though this scary man practically foaming at the mouth doesn’t really look like her partner.

Jenny presses him on his attempt to protect them all, asking pointedly, what about her?

Giles automatically assumes she’s talking about Buffy and assures her that he knows Buffy’s capable of fending for herself, which is exactly the Wrong Thing to Say, because as previous issues have shown, Jenny is not cool with children having to save the world, and also, Buffy’s mom? How about her, Fuckhead Watcher Man.

And Giles goes and puts his whole head up his ass as he says that there are sacrifices that come with successes, as in any war - and Jenny loses it. Because Giles rants do you think that it’s easy for him to live to believe that everything in his life is disposable except for Buffy? That nothing else matters?

And Jenny reads the underlining footnote - if nothing matters, where does that leave her in his life?

FOR FUCK’S SAKE GILES YOU’RE DERANGED GO HOME

And Jenny’s cat agrees with me and hisses at him to leave Jenny alone.

Giles exits the house wondering aloud has everyone gone mad, while a suspicious rabbit looks on from the grass.

There’s a Tucker Wells/Andrew shades of who the fuck cares interlude about a lonely kid who stalks his school facebook to read the comments about classmates and I might be callous, but I actually do not care about those type of characters because guess what, lots of lonely kids and people out there and their first thought is not to kill everyone else. Anyway, I suspect this is a side effect of the Hellmouth magnifying negative thoughts.

It lingers on Buffy’s face and the comments - “She’s weird but hot.”

Now imagine that being her epitaph. 

This pans over to the last sequence - Robin is chilling at home, and his dad (!!!) tells him to go to bed, he doesn’t care how much this town is falling apart. Robin’s dad believes in education.

And guess who shows up at his door in the late of night?

KENDRA.

And she hits him with a Star Wars reference. “Aren’t you a little short for a watcher?”

[typefive]

Headcanon for the Arcana main six when they’re sick because I have a cold and I feel shitty and writing something dumb will make me feel better.

Asra - 

Rarely gets sick, so it’s always a surprise to him when he does.

He already naps like six times a day so how could you even tell.

Like, is he drinking more tea because his throat hurts or because he's just in one of his lapsang moods??

Low-key ignores that he’s feeling shitty and doesn’t say anything to anyone until you mention having to leave the house or do something productive and he’s like, “Yeah, we should........” and then starts CRYING SUDDENLY

And he doesn’t even know what’s wrong he just feels terrible and he’s shivery and his joints hurt and... :’(

He’s so relieved when you cancel your plans and make the executive decision that everyone should stay home and rest.

After that he’s low-maintenance but very clingy and just wants to cuddle on the couch and watch cartoons read books all day.

Nadia -  

Handles being sick like she handles everything else... gracefully.

A countess does not catch a cold, my darling.

Sick? No, dear, she’s simply... Thinking. With her eyes closed.

Denies it until she really starts to feel horrible and then politely retreats to her bedroom to save face more than anything.

Is very selective about who she lets take care of her but definitely sends out for the finest and best cold treatments money can buy.

Apologizes for “looking a mess” after you enter, even though her hair  is still perfect and her nose just is a little red.

Probably still tries to run the country from bed bc honestly

Refuses your help for the most part but thanks you from the bottom of her heart for being so sweet as to offer.

Eyes the shelves full of neti pots... but will never be that desperate sorry Julian

Julian -

Refuses to rest when he’s starting to get sick, if anything doubles down on working too hard because HA HA he’s not going to let some puny cold get in his way!

And then oh look he’s running a bad fever and you have to haul his stupid, delirious ass off to bed while he continues to weakly insist that he’s fine.

Definitely whines about the dramatic irony of it all.

When he’s finally too sick to get out of bed, the regret kicks in.

Tries to refuse your help at first because no no please he can feed himself you don’t need to worry on his account.

But he secretly obviously feels extremely guilty that you have to take care of him and worries that you’ll get sick too and then it will be all his fault for being so [insert self-deprecating adjective].

But after some insistent nagging (”JULIAN GET BACK TO BED”) and maybe a reminder that you love him more than you’re afraid of a cold, he finally gives in and lets you take care of him.

And then he is a good quiet bb

Just lets you feed him soup and pet his hair and is absurdly appreciative that someone would be nice to him in his lowest hour

Portia -

Much like Julian, tries to power through her cold because she has work to do and momma didn’t raise no punk.

But once someone tells her to take a sick day she’s actually really good at taking care of herself because she knows that her health is important!

You go to make sure she’s okay and she’s already curled up in bed with Pepi and a cheesy romance and/or detective novel just chillin’ through her cold.

But I bet she also knows all of these weird home remedies like layering wet socks on your feet for a fever or drinking baking soda water to beat out her cold. (Thanks Mazelinka)

It’s hard to tell if they work but hey, if it helps her feel better, you guess it’s fine??

Also she has the immune system of a large and powerful horse so she’s better before you know it.

Muriel -

"Are you okay? You look pale.” “................. I’m fine.”

Two days later you find him passed out in the woods or something

Trying to drag him to a bed is a Monumental Effort so it might be easier to just leave him on the floor and bring the pillows and blankets to him.

He doesn’t talk much when he’s healthy and so is DEAD SILENT when he’s sick.

But he seems like the type to mumble deliriously at the height of his fever about his parents or his deep deep guilt or something.

It’s actually really worrying for a minute when he doesn’t even have the strength to fend you off when you’re trying to take care of him.

But it’s ok, this mountain man sleeps for like two straight days and then gets up REALLY HUNGRY but otherwise like nothing happened.

You know he’d be so good at taking care of the few people in his friend circle, though... Would never leave their side... Murieeel my booooy

Lucio -

Well there was that one time he caught the plague.

Which didn’t go poorly for anyone, so. He’s probably really cool with it.

I’M KIDDING Lucio is a fucking menace.

People die when he gets a cold.

Your kink better be babying people because that’s the only thing that will stop his incessant, childish whining.

Just... the yelling.

The constant yelling.

Honestly the best you can do is load him up with NyQuil, lock him in his room, and hope that he wears himself out before he decides to give his cold to every other human in the palace out of bitter resentment for people who Aren’t Suffering.

BONUS ROUND

Goatboi Ghost Lucio -

He would be pretty funny with a cold, though, right

Trying to haunt your ass and then, like, sneezing

Honestly this level of sitcom idiocy is exactly what I want

Faust -

Can’t get sick because magic snake but could you imagine her with a little thermometer in her mouth tho... ;w;

[larenoz]

Roswell New Mexico - Live Rewatch - Ep 1 - Pilot

So I don’t really have much in the way of original content on my blog. So I decided it might be fun to post the live blog I’ve been doing on discord of the rewatch our server is doing for Roswell, New Mexico over the hiatus period. 

I’ve only posted my comments, so there might be a couple of bits that look out of place. These are my responses to other people’s comments. I’m up to episode 6, so I will post the backlog and then do one a week until the re-watch is complete.

Be warned, there is swearing. 

--------------------------------

Sorry, cat decided it wanted a cuddle

I love the glass effect, it's so cool

You may not plan to see the small people again, Liz but we know it's gonna happen!!

Not gonna lie, I love poltics in my TV

You quote that verdict to him, Liz!!

That vent tells us so much about Liz in such a short period of time.

You're finally back says Max.Because he's been waiting for that to happen the whole time.

Excuse me Sheriff, with that good girl comment. Rude!

Arturo, playing along with Liz's mpreg story.

Fuck, I just realised - mpreg is canon!?!

Rosa!!

I want antenna headband

Cream on a milkshake is wrong.

So many people in this show have pretty eyes!!

Nooo.

Damn that's alot of lights to replace

I love that damn bullet hole in Liz's dress. It was the first indication they weren't gonna make everyone dumb as a bag of rocks and drag the storyline out FOR EVER.

Hoverboarding. Iz!!

Hey there Kyle!

Annnd here it comes, I'm in love.

That smug fucking grin. The song.

That look when he's trying to get the keys. That look would make you do just about anything.

That Michael monologue. It just gets better everytime I watch it.

Without a doubt, top 3 best character intros ever.

And we're only 15 mins in! I need to make less comments

I didn't think anyone was reading!! :wink:

"Untie some loose ends" - you go Iz

Oh Max you fucker. Telling Michael he wouldn't do anything for anyone else. Excuse fucking you.

Ok, blasting Max across the room is kinda hot. But then his guilty face! :sob:

And god, that little shoulder touch on Iz one the way out.

Another example of non-verbal storytelling. In one scene we get the fractured relationship between Max and Michael, we get that Iz and Michael are close and that both boys defer/protect Iz. So much with so little. It also sets up the physicality of the broken relationship between Max and Michael.

Others have commented on how Max is physically intimidating with people, and literally pushes Michael around, but to be fair, Michael is pretty much the same with Max (but never really with anyone else that we see on screen though we hear about it.

And then in a few lines, Iz gives us a lifetime of fears and concerns - dissection, prison, lying and hiding to loved ones - the rest of the season in seconds of dialogue

Ah, the ONLY thing that gives me Max feels is how dismissive both Iz and Michael are of Max's feelings about Liz. Especially annoying consider Michael should really fucking know better.

Yeah, because he's been pining for Alex just as long.

Unrequited love hurts just as much. Kiss or no kiss.

That's my take anyway.

Here it comes...

Typing may get bad. Cat is sitting on chest and I can't see keyboard.

Seriously, there is nothing overtly relationshippy or sexual, no pointed stares, but just how soft Michael is, even as he's making the real Manes man comment, you just know these two have a past, and that past was probably intimate.

The casual sex comment though, oh yeah they've fucked. That is such a fuck you comment to an ex.

And again with massive story in few words - Alex knocking his leg. "3/4 of one"

That run and tell Daddy line. The nastiest thing Michael says in the entire season, although we don't know that yet. And it strikes such a dissonant tone, even though we don't know why. I'm gonna put it down to things changing so much between shooting the pilot and the rest of the season.

Just my humble opinion but the shirt changing scene could've lasted longer. Just sayin'

Maths, lots and lots of maths

I love the glass SFX

Rosa!! "All our lives that kids been making eyes at you"

Oh Liz, such a good sister. Fixing up the memorial. And the braclets

Ah, sneaky Liz appears

Oh yeah can he keep a secret

Liz begging Max to tell her she isn't loosing her mind. Fuuuck.

Not cool Michael. Great control, but not cool.

Racist Hank, you douche bag

And Maria introduced as taking no shit from ANYONE.

Iz and her slideshow. I love that line.

Why is Iz so vehement that Michael would be so upset about telling Liz?

Max loosing it and Iz looking quite surprised. Forshadowing

yes, Iz no like about it. He is in love with her.

Ah Iz, Iz, Iz. "Too many secrets, things she can't ever know" you don't know the half of it.

Fall in love with someone else.  - If I could have, I would have. Fuck, Max, I feel you on that one.

Jesus, how do all these guys make dark flannel look so hot?

Dance it out. i don't dance in this town anymore, Kyle...

Hot take, I know everyone is mad for Trevino's cheekbones, but honestly, they aren't my thing. But his eyes, gods, his eyes. He has the best eyes on the show. God that make me sound like a freak.

"whatever" with that tiny, tiny almost invisible smirk. Yeah, you think you're all that

He manages that whole distraction use me, use me speech without coming off as a total wanker. And that is pretty amazing.

The station promo/ad on my cable channel has a bit for Roswell - tag line: "Beam me up hotties." Too right.

Scientist Liz!!

Needs answers now.

Fuck you Jesse Manes

I hate you already.

No Kyle, don't do it. But thank fuck he doesn't just start talking,

Yeah, nah Max. That's not how it works. It's not ok if people are nice to you but shitty to everyone else.

Why should Michael like the world? it's been pretty shitty to him!?!

Liz with the serial killer joke, just with the wrong person!!

The pods are sorta cool.

They could've been so chessy.

Now we know why the three of them are so close. And just about the only real bit of exposition on the show.

But will you Liz? Will you keep the promise?

Secret Bunker No 1

"This matters to you, so I'm here". :heart:

Do what Michael, what could you possibly mean?

"Just like you did 10 yrs ago".......

What are you max? Just a guy from Roswell

In Max's favour, when he says he stayed in Roswell, and didn't follow Liz because of Iz and Michael, he doesn't sound resentful, which is sort of what you'd expect here. I like that.And Max going to the reunion for Iz. And Liz tagging along even though she's expecting a bad reception.

"i don't save people all the time. I never save people" But you saved Liz, And why is that Max?

OT re Trevino's eyes. It was that gif set of him laying on his stomach  on his bed (?) with his doggo, looking up to the camera. That angle, OMG, his eyes....

And no verbal confirmation, just Liz realising exactly what Max said - that even though he's in a job where he'd be in contact with sick/dying people alot, he's never saved anyone before. Omph

Of course you remember the very first time you met, Max.

Little kid Max is sooo cute.

Ah you big sap, Max.

No kissing. An "Echo" of what he feels for Liz.

Nice choice of words there writers.

We see what you did there.

So far it's taken me 2 hrs to watch 50 mins

Fuck you again Jesse Manes

Swoon Kyle's eyes.

And we have Kyle's first exposure to the fact that the govt knows about aliens and did medical type stuff to them.  Does this hover in the back of his mind from now on? is this the reason for the quick reaction to his fathers actions at Caufield.?

No he's fucking not cooking meth. Seriously, Alex, what the fuck?

Sorry Alex, not cool, not cool AT all.

I want to see the outakes of Tyler saying phenyl-2-propanone

Because I'm a bitch like that

Yeah, that so serious up close and personal for straight people....

And there is Alex's nastiest line - You're wasting your life. Gods, that is such a shit thing to say to Michael.

And re outtakes because Tyler would laugh and do that thing where he covers his mouth as he trys to stop himself giggling. That's soooo cute.

But anyway, back to the show...

Oh, he wants to hold something, Michael but it's not your hand...

Macho cowboy swagger.

Did it get old for you.

No it did not get fucking old for him. At all.

Michael walking away with arm around girl. Noting for those who say they didn't realise Michael was bi after watching the pilot. How?

How could you miss it?

You go Maria - dying alone of syphillis to bitch

Maybe Liz does still dance in Roswell!! She just needs a good reason.

And that song begins.

"You can't hide from who you are". Alex's prothesis as he looks at himeself skating in the slide show. Fucking killing us.

And it only gets worse-

I don't thnk that's an unpopular opinon at all. That's totally where I see his headspace. But that does result in him saying some nasty shit to Michael. And it's because we know it's not true that it hurts so much.

Fair warning it may take me half an hour to get through the next 2 mins of show!!

Long shot - "Nostalgia's a bitch"

Fuck, the way Michael looks at Alex as he's leaning against the door. People have started wars to have someone look at them like that. That's Greek epic shit right there.

Then cut shot to Max and Iz looking at Liz.

Alex expecting Michael to be gone from Roswell.

"Is that what you want" as Michael takes a step closer. Not "wanted", but "want".

"What I want doesn't matter" as they both slowly sway towards each other. Bullshit, Alex. What you want is ALL that matters. Fuck everything else.

Michael's eyes flicking up to Alex's face....

And Michael launches himself at Alex like a dying man.

God, how do you even describe that kiss?? Everything about it is just.......

But it's more than just the fire. Its the tenderness of Michael gently craddling Alexs' head even though the kiss is passionate and desperate.

Battery break

And then, back to reality - Iz knows that Max has told Liz.

And then Jess Fucking Manes (I fututus et mori in ignie cunne) (don't look that up it's very bad swearing) talking about being monsters who despise compassion and love. Projecting much.

"Thrive on our tragedy". Die MF Die

Despise Love over a visual of Michael and Alex. Die some more you MF

But you haven't told Liz everything have you Max. There's still some stuff you're hiding.

"When the truth hunts you down"

Yeah, that truth is going to hunt you down and fuck you up Max

My house just wobbled.

No, there isn't a secret that is safe.

And people will be caught in the crossfire - have already.

"What's lost will be found, when the truth hunts you down."

Well doesn't that one line sum up a ton of shit that goes down in the rest of the season.

And fin

3 hrs

That was not what I planned.

[pug-bitch]

That’s not why I’m going (15)

Not any man can have me

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake Walker x Amara Suarez

Rating: some foul language, some extremely suggestive, and one steamy scene, around 60 diamonds. This is absolutely NOT appropriate for people under 18.

Word count: 4,500 (let me know if the ‘keep reading’ cutoff isn’t working well!)

Notes: This starts on the same night as last chapter, during the beach party, with Drake’s POV.

*****

Drake was still reeling from the news he had just heard, a couple of hours before. He didn’t blame Maxwell, and he certainly couldn’t blame Amara at all, but he had needed a few minutes to himself. Still, he couldn’t help but glance at Amara, who was standing just a few feet away, in her stunning white dress. A gorgeous woman, with an even more beautiful heart. How did he get so lucky? She had offered to help him find Savannah, and he trusted her. He just couldn’t get over the fact that maybe Savannah didn’t want to be found.

Liam approached, a stern expression on his face. Drake had meant to go talk to him earlier, after King Constantine’s announcement at the beginning of the party, but couldn’t find him. And if he was being honest, he didn’t try very hard.

‘Drake, I’ve been looking for you,’ Liam says, putting a hand on his arm. ‘God, did you hear my father’s announcement?’ he whispers.

‘I did. Jeez, I didn’t see it coming, Li, did you?’

Liam looks around before whispering back, ‘I did not. I never thought he would abdicate, let alone so soon.’

Drake noticed that Liam looked very worried, similarly to when Leo fled court, except a lot more intensely. ‘Liam, it’s gonna be ok. You can do this.’

He nods. ‘Thank you. I doubt it, but thank you. At least, after this season, I won’t have to do it alone.’

Drake ponders for one second and goes for it. ‘You’re right. You should focus on choosing a solid partner, someone who would love to be Queen. Someone who can and will support you.’

Liam sighs, looking wistfully at Amara. ‘I know. That’s what I’ve been thinking all evening. But… Part of me still believes that I deserve to marry for love, you know?’

Drake doesn’t know what to say. Of course Liam deserves to marry for love. But the love needs to be mutual. ‘You do deserve it, Li. Do you want my take on it?’ Liam nods and gestures for Drake to continue. ‘I feel like you’ve been overlooking Olivia this whole time. She would make an amazing Queen, and she’s always loved you.’

Liam chuckles and waves his hand in a dismissive manner. ‘Ha! Please, Olivia doesn’t love me! She wants me, and I admit I find her extremely attractive, but I’m afraid I need more romance than she can offer. But I feel the same about her being a great Queen. Father keeps pushing Madeleine on me, but it feels very strange after her engagement with my brother, you know.’

Drake nods and can’t help but think that Liam would feel weird too if he knew about his relationship with Amara. ‘It’s your decision in the end, Liam. But you gotta know that this is a much bigger responsibility than any of these women thought it would be. They all thought it would be years until they had to actually be Queen, but now it’s imminent, and you can’t blame anyone for freaking out.’

‘I wouldn’t blame them, because I’m freaking out myself, Drake. This is too soon, I’m not ready. I was already picturing myself getting married, and then, only then, would I have to worry about being King. This is all too much…’

As Liam hyperventilates, Drake pats his back and gently comforts him, ‘It’s gonna be ok, Li, breathe. Just relax. You’re not alone in this.’

After a few moments, Liam regains his composure and finds his princely smile and demeanor again. Creepy, Drake thinks. That was too quick a turnaround, how did he do that?

‘Thanks bud,’ Liam says, squeezing Drake’s forearm. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to steal a few minutes with Lady Amara and her bewitching white dress.’ Drake gulps. Liam continues, ‘White is a fateful choice, it’s bound to give me ideas,’ he says with a wink.

As he walks away towards Amara, Drake thinks, Ew. Is that what court is like for a woman? Being treated like meat, judged according to her dress code? No wonder Sav wanted out. No wonder Amara feels uncomfortable around Liam, truly. Drake doesn’t know what to think. He still loves his friend, but he can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, he’s always been a creep, but Drake had been too busy resenting the court to notice. And maybe now that he had a vested interest in Liam’s final choice for a Queen, he was finally noticing. This wasn’t a good color on him either.

He needs to remain close to Amara, in case. But in case what? Amara was more than capable of defending herself, and she could probably punch Liam in the dick faster than Drake could. As Maxwell put it, she was a badass cop, after all. Still though, Drake wants to stay close. So, who to talk to, within this perimeter? He turns to the left and sees Bertrand. Nope, too soon. He can’t look at his vest without feeling queasy right now. Does Bertrand know about Sav and their baby? No, he can’t. At least, Drake hopes he doesn’t. To the right stands Penelope. Alright, Drake thinks, swallowing more of his whiskey. Time to talk about some poodles.

*****

Amara has to contain herself in order not to roll her eyes. Liam is walking straight towards her, all smiles and teeth. Drake is still within sight, which makes her feel better. Not that she needs him, she could definitely kick Liam’s ass on her own, but still, it feels nice to sense Drake’s presence.

‘Hello, Lady Amara!’

She smiles back. ‘Hello, Your Highness.’

They exchange pleasantries for a few minutes until Amara is tempted to cut the crap. ‘So, how do you feel about the King’s announcement?’

Liam’s smile falters, just for a millisecond. ‘Well, it is with great sadness that the nation will say goodbye to the great King that my father has been. But I welcome the new challenge with confidence and open arms.’

Wow. Perfect for a press conference. For robots.

Amara nods, but he can probably read on her face that she doesn’t buy it. ‘Great,’ she says. ‘I’m sure you’ll rise to the challenge seamlessly.’

Liam takes a sip of his drink, very obviously calculating his next move. ‘To tell you the truth, it took me by surprise. It’s a lot to take in.’

‘I can only imagine. I’d be worried it if didn’t affect you.’

Liam flashes a bright smile and says, ‘It does affect me. In fact, I was about to take a little moonlit stroll along the beach, and maybe go to a little creek that is far from prying eyes. You know, to get some quiet time.’ Oh, Amara knows the creek. She got plenty of quiet time with Drake there earlier. ‘I was thinking maybe you could come with me?’

Ugh. So, there it is again. The relentless need to lure Amara out for some outdoors sex. No thank you.

‘Oh,’ she replies, ‘I’d rather not leave the party.’

Liam puts his hand on her arm, and squeezes a little bit too tight. His other hand is grazing her upper thigh, discreetly but firmly. Amara leaps back at his contact. ‘Come on, no one will know. It’ll just be you and me. Away from everyone. No one will see...’

Amara subtly pulls her arm back, and glances at Drake rapidly. He’s looking straight at them, no longer listening to Penelope, his eyes filled with rage. Calm down, Walker, she thinks. I got this.

Once she gets her arm back, she looks into Liam’s eyes and whispers, ‘In what language do I have to tell you no?’

Liam chuckles dismissively and throws his hands up. ‘Wow, Lady Amara, I didn’t mean to anger you. I was just inviting you for a stroll!’

Amara takes a sip of her cocktail and whispers, lowering her voice by an octave. ‘No you weren’t. You were inviting me out to have sex with me, just like you did that day in the maze. You think because you’re royalty, you can snap your fingers and fuck me,’ she demonstrates by snapping her fingers, ‘like that, on command? Sorry, but where I come from, that’s not how it works.’ She chugs the rest of her drink and plasters on a smile, her voice now back to normal. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, Your Highness, I’m going to let you talk to your other suitors. I’ve taken enough of your time.’

She curtsies and heads to the bar, where Olivia is sitting down, cocktail in hand.

Amara sits down next to her friend and orders a whiskey sour.

‘Welcome to the circle of sadness, Suarez,’ Olivia says while clinking her glass to Amara’s.

‘Thanks Nevrakis. Why the sadness?’ she asks while taking a big gulp of her freshly prepared cocktail.

‘You know. The usual. Being the best contender here and being constantly overlooked. You?’

*****

Drake’s blood boils as Amara walks away from Liam. He excuses himself to Penelope, who was knee-deep in a cute story involving Merlin pranking Morgana, and closes the distance between him and his maybe-former best friend.

‘Hey Drake,’ Liam says, not meeting his eyes.

‘Hey man, what the hell was that?’ Drake knows he shouldn’t react like this in public, he’s being too obvious, but Liam just crossed a line. Drake saw his hand gripping her arm, and his other hand on her thigh.

‘What do you mean?’ Liam says in a shaky voice.

‘You just grabbed Amara and she had to shake herself free? What is that, Liam, are you losing your fucking mind?’ He could feel his face going red, but he couldn’t help it.

‘Look,’ Liam says, ‘I get it, she said no, I just thought she was being flirtatious up until then. That she wanted me to court her, to insist, you know. Turns out, she doesn’t want to fuck me for now, but I get it. She’s not that easy, and that’s a great quality for a Queen. Determination.’

Drake just can’t believe what he’s hearing. On the one hand, they had agreed with Maxwell and Amara to keep a low profile and not to give away to Liam that Amara was not interested. But was it worth it? Now that Liam had become physical, all Drake wanted to do was punch him, and take Amara far away. ‘Dude, you grabbed her arm to be flirtatious? What the fuck are you talking about? Is sexual assault flirtatious to you?’

‘Lower your voice, Drake. Come on, let’s go somewhere else.’ Liam guides him away from the crowd, although no one is paying attention, too drunk to care.

Ironically enough, Liam is walking Drake towards the creek that he and Amara had sex in earlier today. ‘Look, Liam, I don’t want to piss you off, but Amara’s my friend, ok? You asked me to keep her safe, and that means--’

‘Stop. I know you have white knight syndrome, Drake, but please, not to me. I tried to fuck someone I really want, she said no, well, let’s just add that to my list of life experiences. I’ll try again later. Now I know she doesn’t respond to overt flirtation. I won’t offend her anymore. Happy?’

It was all kinds of wrong, and Drake was everything but happy. Instead of making things worse, or more obvious, he turned around and silently went back to the party.

*****

‘You promise not to say anything if I tell you?’

Olivia rolls her eyes, and says to Amara ‘Who do you take me for? I told you, I’m a steel trap. Go on.’

‘Liam just went way too far with his advances. Like, fully grabbed my arm and my thigh, to make me go have sex with him in the creek.’

Olivia falls silent, a heavy look on her face.

‘What? Say something, Liv.’

Olivia raises an eyebrow. ‘Are you a steel trap, too?’ Amara nods. ‘Liam and I had sex this afternoon. Like a few hours ago, before the party.’

Amara’s face falls. Her heart breaks for her friend who, as tough as she was, was obviously feeling more than taken advantage of. ‘Liv, I’m sorry. Fuck, he’s such a--’

‘An asshole. I know.’

Amara has one more sip. ‘Why don’t we both withdraw?’

Olivia scoffs. ‘Then what? We leave the country to incompetent people like Penelope, or psychos like Madeleine?’

‘No offense, but I literally have just met this country.’

‘But you care about the people in it.’

Amara cocks her head. ‘True.’

‘Plus, this man’s in my blood, you know. I doubt I can ever shake him.’

‘Come on,’ Amara said a little too loud, the alcohol running through her system, ‘you’re Olivia fucking Nevrakis, you can have any man you want!’

‘Yeah, but not any man can have me.’

Amara’s eyes widen. ‘Oh that’s deep.’

Olivia chuckles. ‘You’re a good listener, Suarez, I’ll give you that. And you’re right, I deserve better, yada yada yada. Point is, this guy tried to take you to the creek forcefully, and that’s not ok. How are you feeling?’

‘Well,’ Amara shrugs, ‘I told him no, very firmly, and walked away. I’m expecting guards to take me out any minute.’

‘Maybe you should go ride Walker’s dick one last time then, don’t waste your time on me.’ She chugs her cocktail. ‘In all seriousness, I doubt he understood that you’re not interested. The man loves a challenge, whatever that means. You could chop his dick off, he’d think you wanna keep it in your bedside drawer.’

*****

Drake and Amara had caught up at the end of the beach party, both too afraid of being too obvious to talk about it in public. They’d discussed the Liam debacle many times over and had concluded to continue with the low profile until Amara couldn’t handle it anymore. In any case, Amara was determined to stick around long enough to find Savannah, help out House Beaumont, and figure out a way out of this thorny situation.

They had continued the party in Hana’s room, just the 4 of them, with Maxwell, and had watched Monster-in-Law all together while having more drinks, because the girls and Maxwell outnumbered Drake. Still, he had to admit, J-Lo and Jane Fonda were really good. Or maybe it was the booze talking.

He and Amara had left around 2am to go back to Drake’s room. Amara was playing brave about the whole Liam thing, but when Drake suggested they go to his room because it locks, she said yes very enthusiastically.

Once in Drake’s room, Amara takes off her dress and bra, then puts on one of Drake’s shirts. As she removes her makeup in front of the bathroom mirror. Drake can’t stop looking at her, smiling. The intimacy they’ve been able to create within such a short time amazes him every time. There’s no hesitation, no second guesses, just the pleasure of being together. For a minute, Drake forgets about everything else at stake and takes in the view. Amara finally notices and turns around, smiling.

‘Creep much, Walker?’ she says with a smirk.

‘No, I was just admiring your makeup removing technique. Quite impressive.’

She brushes her teeth and hops onto bed next to him. ‘This day was sooo long, I’m so glad to finally get some rest.’

They hold each other tight, Amara’s head fitting right in the nook of Drake’s arm, as he gently kisses her forehead. They’d need to get up early to get to Applewood Manor by early afternoon. Sleep gains them both quickly and deeply, until they are both awakened by Amara’s phone at 6am. Amara bolts up and checks who’s calling; Drake expects it to be Michael, to whom she’d never responded after their initial conversation the night Drake saw her cry. But it’s Mia, Amara’s roommate and best friend.

Amara, still half asleep, mutters, ‘I should pick up, if she’s calling this early in the morning, it’s probably an emergency.’

Drake nods frantically, rubbing his eyes.

‘Mia?’ Amara says as she picks up the phone.

‘Honey!!!’ an excited voice replies, ‘Finally you’re picking up! Holy shit! You look terrible.’

Amara, realizing she’s in fact on FaceTime, covers up and fixes her hair, visibly annoyed. ‘Dude, I thought you were dying or something. Why are you calling me at 6am?’

‘It’s midnight here, dummy. I just came back from the bar and--hold on a second. Are you in bed with someone?’

Drake covers himself with the blanket and peeks his head in the frame. ‘Hi there.’

Amara rolls her eyes and mouths ‘Sorry’ to him. The truth is, he’s not sorry at all. He’s happy Amara is comfortable enough with him to introduce him to both her dad and her best friend.

Mia squeals, ‘OH MY GOD!! Hi there, handsome, who are you?’

Amara whispers, ‘This is Drake. We’re, um… together?’ She glances at Drake, her eyes full of questions.

Drake enthusiastically replies, ‘Yes, we are. Hi Mia.’

Amara quickly explains the situation to a drunk Mia who does not seem to grasp anything, except that her friend is in bed with a man who’s not the Prince she was originally competing for. After a quick conversation, Amara tells Mia that they need to go back to sleep.

‘Hold on,’ Mia said, more serious all of a sudden. ‘So you mean it, you’re ok?’

‘Yes, I’m doing great. Don’t worry, ok?’

‘I’m glad I saw you. I kept on reassuring Michael, but my heart wasn’t in it. Through text, it’s hard to tell if someone’s bullshitting you, you know?’ Amara nods. ‘Sorry I mentioned Michael. I know he’s kicking himself for what he told you before you left. He’s worried, Amara.’

‘Alright,’ Amara says wearily. ‘I gotta go to sleep. Love you Mia.’

She hangs up. Drake strokes her messy hair, pulling her close. ‘That was sweet. Your friend is something else. Kinda like a female Maxwell.’

‘That’s what I’ve been thinking! These two would love each other. Sorry about that. That was awkward.’

Drake kisses her lips softly. ‘Not at all. I like those glimpses into your life.’

Amara kisses him back, with more urgency this time. ‘Thank you for being understanding. And patient with me.’

‘It goes both ways, Suarez. We both have baggage, but we can carry it together.’

‘Good metaphor.’ She pulls him close, wraps her leg around his waist. ‘I’m up now…’

He smiles, and kisses her deeper. His hands slide under the shirt that she is wearing, up her back, then on her stomach, until he finds her breasts. He brushes his thumb on her nipple, and feels it get hard under his touch. Seamlessly, he pulls her shirt over her head, and admires her body before covering it with kisses.

God, he loves going down on her. Her taste, the way her body feels under his touch, under his tongue. Her moans, the way her pussy contracts when he hits the right spot. He loves all of it. He takes his time, he wants her to come. Once she does, she’s the one who decides, the one who tugs on his hair for him to come back up and fuck her. He’s completely and utterly hers, and he loves every second of it.

Especially the moment when he finally enters her, and feels her all around him, wet and tight and inviting. Her walls contract around his cock as he goes in and out. Again, he takes his time. He’s so turned on by her that he could come right now but no, this feels too good to stop. He has to focus, slow down, kiss her some more. Until she tells him to go faster. He abides, knowing full well that he won’t be able to contain his orgasm for long.

Still reeling from the pleasure, he lays down on the bed, Amara’s head on his torso, her lips kissing his skin. He loves these moments. They lie there for a while, chatting about life, sharing intimate thoughts, until their alarm rings. Time to put up a front for the world again.

*****

Bertrand had briefed her in the car that took them to Applewood Manor. She’d have to show the press and the royal family that she understood the concept of the Cordonian Ruby. She had trouble looking Bertrand in the eye. Not only because she knew too much about his sex life, but also because she had some major, life-changing information that she couldn’t share with him. She was a little tired of secrets.

She did well with the press, answered all the questions right. As she was being shown to her room, she hoped that Drake’s would be near. They hadn’t been able to travel together, as Bertrand had insisted on spending the whole drive briefing her. Maxwell was less than thrilled, too. Before they left in the morning, he’d dropped off the file he promised her, with everything he knew about Savannah. Amara had packed the file in her suitcase, hidden in her clothes, in the hope that she could work on it over the weekend at Applewood. She had contacted Jamie, her former partner at the NYPD who was really good with computer stuff, and was awaiting a response.

Her room at Applewood Manor is gorgeous, very regal, with crown moldings and ornate wooden decor. Amara texts Hana quickly to tell her the location of her room; they had agreed to pick their Apple Queen competition outfits together. Not two seconds after the text is sent, Amara hears a knock.

‘Hey Suarez,’ Drake says, peeking his head in, as soon as she says to come in. ‘Just wanted to say hi, see if you’re settled in ok.’

‘Hey, come in!’ she replies excitedly. Drake closes the door behind him. ‘Hana will be here soon.’

Drake closes the distance between them and pulls her into a kiss. They made love this morning and were together all of yesterday, but the urgency doesn’t leave. Especially when they have no idea how long they’ll be alone for.

‘You look good,’ he whispers. ‘Is that what you’re wearing to the Apple shit?’

She chuckles. ‘This T-shirt and those black jeans? No, Drake, I’m not wearing those to a royal event.’

He shrugs. ‘I don’t know. You look hot, that’s all I’m saying.’

She smiles, and cups his face with her hand. ‘You’re too kind. No, I’m waiting for Hana to pick an outfit with me. No idea what to wear, but I overpacked, so…’

Drake sneaks a peek inside her suitcase, and digs out a black lace bra. ‘You could start with this…’

She snags it out of his hand. ‘That’s for later tonight.’

‘You don’t need any of this to turn me on, Suarez, but I bet it looks good on you.’ He grabs her waist and pulls her close again. She feels his growing erection against her thigh.

‘God, I wish we had more time...can you meet me here tonight, after everyone is in bed?’

He nods. ‘I’d love to. My bedroom is across from yours. Maxwell’s is right next to yours, so we’re all good.’

Another knock. Hana this time.

‘Hey Hana!’ Drake says, opening the door. ‘Come in. I was just leaving. You guys have fun, I’ll see you both at the Apple shit.’

Hana laughs, and puts down a few outfits on the bed. ‘The Apple shit, what a good nickname for this competition.’

‘Ha, totally. I can’t believe we have to rave about apples in order to get a pretend crown, but whatever floats their boat.’

Hana giggles. ‘Well, at least we’ll look stylish as we do it.’

*****

Amara can’t believe she’s been crowned Apple Queen. All afternoon, she can feel Madeleine’s angry eyes on her, staring at her with rage and envy. If only Madeleine knew how little Amara cared about all this shit. Did she want to win Apple Queen? Nope. The press had taken to her as the ‘Mystery Woman’, which, to be honest, sounded a whole lot more engaging than ‘Serial Fiancée Who Wants to Bag Her Ex’s Brother’.

They’d had to ride horses in the afternoon, which was fun. Amara hadn’t ridden a horse for years, the last time was when she was in the Police Academy, and they had to have lessons. Before that was when she was 9, with her mother. Her mother, Marisol, was actually a very good rider back in the day. Her family had horses and a whole lot of land in Mexico. Amara wasn’t very good at riding, but she liked horses, they reminded her of her mom. Sergio was good, though. He was good at everything, except cooking.

‘Suarez, are you with us?’

Olivia’s cutting voice shook Amara out of her daydream. They’d all had a nice dinner, followed by some cocktails by the fireplace. Olivia and Amara were sat in a comfy loveseat, and Drake and Liam were on the couch opposite them.

‘Um, yes,’ Amara replies, all the while trying to avoid looking at Drake too much. ‘What were you saying, Liv?’

‘Just that this riding session was very much needed. I was getting real sick of this whole apple theme.’

Drake chuckles. ‘Agreed.’

Liam instantly turns to Amara. ‘Where did you learn to ride, Lady Amara? You were excellent out there!’

Bullshit, she thinks. She’s not great at it, she’s afraid of galloping, and it hurts her boobs, but sure, she’s ‘excellent’. She notices Olivia’s subtle eyeroll and says: ‘I’m not a great rider, but I enjoy it. My mom and I used to ride when I was little, but I haven’t done it again since.’ She can’t help but think that the two people she used to ride with are now dead.

‘Well,’ Liam continues, ‘you were a natural out there. Well done.’

‘Thank you.’ She puts her glass down and says, ‘If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll call it a night. It’s been a long day and I want to be up early to get ready for the apple pie competition.’

She says her goodnights, shares a long knowing look with Olivia, and heads upstairs.

Once her bedroom door closed, she plops down on her bed, unpacking the cute underwear that Drake had unearthed earlier. God, she hopes that he’ll be here soon. Not too soon, that would be suspicious. But then again, Olivia knows about them, and Liam is too full of himself to notice anything, so maybe it’s not that risky after all.

She unzips her red dress, and as she’s standing there, in the dark, in her underwear, she hears the door open. Already, she thinks. Drake usually tries to be more subtle, but she’ll take it.

She turns around, about to move towards him and pull him into a warm embrace, but she stops in her tracks.

‘Well hello, gorgeous.’

Tariq.

*****

Taglist:

@andy-loves-corgis , @drakewalkerwhipped , @drakxwalker , @drakewalkerrosenberg , @drakeswalkers , @drakelover78 , @silviasutton1989 , @jovialyouthmusic , @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria , @mariahschoices , @drakesensworld , @thequeenofcronuts , @notoriouscs , @drakewalkerisreal , @nikkis1983​ , @simsvetements , @alesana45

Thank you for your encouragements, everyone! Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

[inanawesomewave]

SOCIOPATH WALKS OUT OF A THERAPIST’S OFFICE

Today I received a letter saying I had been discharged -- without my request or input -- from therapy.  Let me rewind a little.  As those of you who follow this blog know, I have been receiving therapy for just a few weeks. We have barely left the assessment phase, so whilst my therapist has been very good at listening to the traumas I have experienced and throwing in his two cents here and there, we haven’t so much got into the crux of therapy, as we have identified what the therapy is for, and what it was for was: 1. I have a lot of baseline and situational anger and contempt (his words, but I do tend to agree) and whilst I don’t want to give into forgiveness and adopting a mindful, wellness-y kind of mindset which would be insincere for me, I would like to stop being so constantly exhausted by my own rage, and stop being so at the behest of the contempt I feel constantly whirring in the background. 2. In order to do that, I need to confront childhood trauma head on, deal with it, talk about it, make sense of it, draw a line under it, move on. My old therapist from years ago (who discharged me after two and a half, almost three years, not long after my ASPD diagnosis, but we’ll get to that...) once described trauma as being like a big old blanket, in that if you shove it into the airing cupboard all crumpled and hurried, it’s going to ping out from time to time and trip you up and you’re going to have to angrily just shove it back in there, and it’s going to happen again and again. If you fold it neatly, it will stay there and not bother you, and will only come out if you specifically go in to fetch it. My current therapy was to learn how to fold that big blanket.  3. I love my son and my husband with all of my heart, and I want to treat them fairly and lovingly. In order to do that, I need to be a healthy person, so therapy was about untangling the threads of who I am, so that I can have enough insight and awareness to know what I need and when I need it. If I know that, then I will better know what my son needs and when he needs it. In short, I don’t want to become my mother.  And we did uncover some things. We spoke about a specific trauma, one that sticks out the most amongst everything, and going into that was like opening a Pandora’s Box of feelings, some of which I didn’t know the name of, and whilst it was very hard to hold it together without relapsing into some extremely antisocial behaviours (random people who I don’t know don’t need to hear any diatribes about What I Really Think About People Like You, and that’s not empathy talking, that’s a desire to not be seen as someone small and pathetic), it was cushioned by the fact that I knew I had a therapist now, and whatever intense, primary emotion took over my brain and my body whilst these old thoughts came to harry me, I could go to therapy that week, and mention them to someone who I was assured was there to help me. I had to agree to trust this man, and he had to agree to trust me. I was given conditions before my behaviour demanded them: “there are ways I won’t be spoken to” was said, before I’d ever slipped away from respect and courtesy, “some of this will trigger anger in you and you need to trust that I’m not trying to hurt you” was said too. Most importantly, I was told: “the relationship we have in this room will come to be the prototype of the relationships you have outside of this room. If you can be vulnerable and trusting in here, you will have a new blueprint of how to behave out there”. Sound logic, I thought. He’s into attachment theory and I guess I am too -- the relationship I had from my primary caregiver growing up was inconsistent, punitive, cold, dismissive and contemptuous, and that’s how antisocials get this way, most of the time. We didn’t learn the things that non-sociopaths would consider to be markers of goodness and humanity. Therapy is where you try to learn those things.  In my first few weeks, my therapy was on a day where I attend university to do my degree in psychology (finally, eh?). I told the therapist it wasn’t possible for me to attend those days without my performance at uni being compromised. I was told, in the kindest way possible, look do you want therapy or not? Because I’m in the UK and poor, I’m receiving the therapy through the NHS. Waiting lists are long and you take what you can get. I was lucky to get therapy in the first place. Still, I missed a few, and the day was finally changed. I didn’t miss any more sessions because I didn’t need to, and was told that I couldn’t miss any more unless it was a medical issue. Then, I got the flu.  Now I don’t know if you’ve had the flu, you probably have. It’s that kind of virus where your throat is on fire and your bones are aching and every muscle hurts to move and you feel you’ve been hit by a city bus for a week. I couldn’t get into therapy, but given our agreement about medical absences, I thought we were good. Nobody called to gripe about this absence, and my next appointment was in just two days from now. Then I got a letter telling me I was no longer receiving therapy, citing “competing demands in [my] personal life” -- a decision that has been made for me. “I want to assure you this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I have no doubt that you wanted to engage in therapy”. I tried to call to smooth things over and explain that a sick note is making its way to them to excuse my absence, but guess what? My therapist is on leave. Because he’s allowed time off from his demanding personal life.  And now I have some thoughts.  As mentioned earlier, I study psychology. My initial degree was a major in psychology, and a minor in psychotherapy. I was going to become a therapist, if you can imagine such a charade, but one semester into my studies I realised through “self reflection” and a practical exam where I had to give therapy for ten minutes to prove what i’d learned, that I straight up don’t have the empathy. I should’ve known to begin with, but I don’t. I couldn’t do it, or feel it, I had this man sitting in front of me (a classmate) talking either candidly or in character, I didn’t care to really speculate, about feeling like a failure, letting himself down. My instinct was to try to show him the things in his life that were good, snap him out of it as gently as I could but at least get him to stop talking and having those thoughts, and I was given the feedback that I shouldn’t try to hurry someone out of feeling bad, I should sit with their feeling, let them feel their feeling, reflect it back to them, show them that I’m feeling it with them. I pretended in the re-exam in order to pass, but the whole time I felt myself knowing just how on display I was, and how this was different to performing empathy in day to day life; this was real, applied, intense and unwavering empathy I had to show. I passed, and I dropped the module so that next year it will be replaced by forensic psychology. I don’t have what it takes, and I’m ok with that. But my therapist knew he had what it took. He did the schooling, got the MA, has a background in social work, he sat with pain and shared his pain and learned and cared and earned the title of Psychotherapist through the kind of work I shirked from at the first hurdle. Not only does he experience empathy, but he made a career out of it. And in that room, I was encouraged to trust him, though he could not trust me to be ill, and could not empathise at all. I admire the pretence perhaps, but I am resentful of its consequence. He has so much empathy, he thought it would be a good idea to coax traumas out of me, and in turn the trust that I would speak and confront them knowing they would finally get folded away. His attachment theory deal encouraged me to re-learn what interpersonal interactions really are, the good that people really have, the contempt I’ve been wasting. And all I have learned from him is the same I have learned since being very small: you can’t trust people. There’s no such thing as help. There’s no such thing as selflessness. There’s no such thing as empathy. There’s no such thing as trust. I am someone who does not need love. I am someone who must not ask for help. The only way to not be weakened by my trauma, is to be strengthened by it. Weakness is to talk, talking leaves you open to exploitation. Vulnerability is a curse. It’s a dog eat dog world. It’s every man for himself. And it’s funny because just last week I wondered if the mood had changed. Sociopaths, whilst hilariously low on affective empathy, can read a room, a tone, a palpable shift at the very least. I don’t know if this is because of years of studying human performance, or a hypervigilant hangover from an abusive childhood where tone-reading was essential and could be the thing that stopped you getting a beating, reading the mood and charming your way out of it before it got violent, it may even be something neurobiological, who knows. But I sensed something else. We’ve never said the words, antisocial or otherwise, but it’s known. And I think last week, he knew that he knew. Now I don’t want to get all paranoid, but I know this story very well. Sociopath walks into a therapist’s office. Sociopath is encouraged to walk right back out again.  And I wonder if the diagnosis of ASPD is a morally correct one. Why diagnose a mental illness to begin with? Well, usually because it’s causing the person distress, and could be treated to improve that person’s quality of life. But what’s the treatment for ASPD? If threadbare research has kind of sort of perhaps but maybe not “proven” that antisocials don’t respond to therapy, then is the correct way to test this half-baked theory to in fact remove that decision away from antisocials? And how many times have I heard antisocial friends tell me they’ve been refused therapy, or spoken to like shit in therapy, or dropped from therapy when their diagnosis became apparent? Is it ethical to diagnose antisocial personality disorder if you have no desire or intent whatsoever to help that person? Who is that diagnosis helping, exactly? Because there are no medications licensed, and there’s no inpatient treatment, no therapy, nothing at all unless you’re willing to pay through the nose for what is essentially guesswork. It is known that if two people commit the same crime but one of them has ASPD, that person will receive a harsher custodial sentence. Not because of what they’ve done, but what they might do in future. Is the diagnosis of ASPD a morally sound one? Who is it protecting? What purpose does it serve? I have said this before and will repeat it until my bones seize completely: antisocials are just as likely to have come from trauma and neglect as those with BPD, and cPTSD. Antisocials have extremely high rates of addiction. Antisocials are just as likely to commit suicide as borderlines, a figure we can agree is very high. But who cares about a dead sociopath?  Who cares about a living one? And if I get my therapist back, what then? What will therapy look like now I’ve lost respect and trust for this person? When they say that sociopaths don’t respond to therapy because “They’ll always just try to analyse the therapist, that’s their problem”... perhaps, yes. Because if you poke a hungry bear with a stick over and over again, the bear might bite you, even despite what studies have said about bears in captivity secretly not wanting food, based on a sample size of two bears who ate their gatekeepers.